One of the horrifying things about reprinting these Senseless 'Shipper Surveys is coming across aged and decaying references to things you can't even conceive once existed.
Yes. I am talking about versions of Microsoft Windows that predate XP.
AIIIIIIIEEE.
Also, welcome to the part of the X-Files that's all gross-out freak-out. But this is honestly one of the better ones!
Senseless 'Shipper Survey- Pine Bluff Variant
1) As the episode begins with Mulder jogging through the parks of Washington D.C., we realize we're spying on a surveillance operation conducted by Skinner with Scully sitting in the control van keeping track of the suspect. As one of the suspects suddenly goes into convulsions and dies, everything goes crazy, with Mulder chasing the prime suspect and Scully chasing Mulder. You note:
A) That Scully is once again running in high heels, and is doing a damn good job of it.
B) That the image of the Capitol Dome in the distance was computer generated because you saw it waver and a Windows95 image flashed in the corner
C) That Dana and Fox would have done a better surveillance job in the park if they were there as lovers on a picnic... sigh...
2) Scully is watching the surveillance tapes, noting how Mulder actually talked to the prime suspect before he escaped. Mulder arrives to pick up papers from his desk, evading all the questions she has about his activities. You shout:
A) "Dammit, Scully, shoot the Punk!"
B) "Dammit, Mulder, a simple `It's not what you think I can explain it later' would suffice!"
C) "Dammit, you two, clear off that desk and use it for a quickie!"
3) You watch the credits across the screen during the high-level meeting and see this: "Written by John Shiban". You:
A) See B)
B) See C)
C) Scream your damn bloody head off in sheer terror (note: Shiban is the one responsible for some of the weaker episodes in X-Files canon. To wit: killer kitties.)
4) Mulder drives off to a roadside motel for a late night... something. You determine:
A) That it's a good thing Scully followed him to make sure he doesn't go all Led Zep and trash the place
B) That he's really there to watch "Love Confessions" on Cinemax
C) That Fox planned on Dana to follow him, and he'll eventually invite her in for some red wine, sob stories about prom nights, and intense (deleted to protect younger viewers)
5) Scully confronts the motel manager about Mulder. He asks, "You the wife?" She replies (in THE perfect tone of voice) "Not even close." You:
A) Cheer for the Sainted One
B) Roll on the floor laughing your ass off
C) Burst into tears...if Dana feels that way, then... then... (sniff) (cries)
6) Mulder is dragged off by the militia group Losers-R-Us for some finger-breaking torture and pinochle. You:
A) Stoically nod to yourself: sure, Mulder's a good guy and doesn't deserve to get tortured, but the Punk's been asking for it since Season Three
B) Realize poor Mulder's free-throw shooting is going to suck from now on
C) Realize Dana's REALLY got to give him some hugging this episode
7) Mulder returns to his darkened apartment, finding Scully waiting there. She's found out he's under orders by Skinner in a deep cover operation to break the militia group and stop their bio- warfare terrorism. She sees the broken finger and earns her doctor's pay cleaning the wound and setting it. You:
A) Praise her for her saintly patience and maternal healing qualities
B) Wonder if anyone's ever going to clean off that "X" symbol on the window
C) Watch them sit in the darkness holding hands and talking about trust, finally fainting away in orgasmic bliss
8) Mulder goes back to the militia group to set them up for a future sting, while Scully goes back to investigate more dead bodies and figure out how they were killed. As the action picks up, you come to the conclusion:
A) Scully will solve this case like she always does, and it still won't get her a desk
B) Shiban's script doesn't suck this time
C) That they shouldn't have cut away from the scene where Dana fixes Fox's finger because you're damn sure they made sweet love afterwards
9) Mulder is forced to wear a Dracula mask and help the militia break into a federal reserve. Scully waits for Mulder before suddenly realizing how the militia has been killing people. You note:
A) That Scully's psychic abilities aren't just a plot device but a sign of the Enigmatic One's powers
B) That a Stormtrooper mask for Mulder would have been more kick-ass
C) That Dana seems to do her best thinking at roadside motels, so she and Fox should hang out at those places more often... (wink) (wink) (nudge) (nudge)
10) Mulder has been betrayed, caught on tape confessing his deep cover role to Scully. His betrayer, however, turns out to be working for the CIA, which had funded projects on developing the killer bacteria. He escapes to meet up with Scully so the two of them can berate the government official that had set them all up in order to contaminate evidence of a large-scale shadow ops fund. As the episode ends with the last surviving militia man dying from the bacteria, you realize:
A) That Scully had already proved the CIA was behind it all, but she just needed the Punk's hands-on observations to back her up
B) That all Shiban has to do is not write about killer kitties or guys with fungus faces and he just might be a half-decent writer
C) That, even though Skinner has heard from Fox by now, Dana should still go by to feed his fish... and check his fingers... and hold his hands and give him a nice hug and (writer is dragged away from computer terminal and forced into a nice, comfortable straitjacket)...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who knew the Punk would be trouble this episode, but as the Enigmatic One is a forgiving sort you'll cut Mulder some slack (for now)...
B) Then you are an X-Philer who finally doesn't have to equate Shiban's name with "killer kitties" anymore... well, unless the FX channel shows a repeat (shudder)...
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's convinced the CIA double agent captured a lot more, uh, talking yeah that's it talking, between Dana and Fox on that tape recorder of his (veery wicked grin)...
Showing posts with label season five. Show all posts
Showing posts with label season five. Show all posts
Monday, July 25, 2016
Sunday, July 10, 2016
X-Files: Kitsunegari 'Shipper Survey
I have to note this upcoming survey was for a pretty weak episode. A sequel to one of the best episodes "Pusher", this was an unwelcome follow-up to what had been a powerful stand-alone Monster of the Week story. It wasn't particularly inventive with the plot or the twists and scary deaths. So if the survey seems flat, the episode was flat.
Oh, one other thing: I like the color blue, but I liked it waaaaaaaaay before I even started watching the Cerulean-Files. Uh, I mean X-Cerulean. Uh, is a gentle breeze. Wait. WAIT MY MIND IS MY CERULEAN BLUUUUUUUeeeee (drools)
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: KITSUNEGARI
: SPOILER Space for those who watched Babylon 5 instead...
: In SPOILER SPACE noone can hear you say "I'm fine, Mulder"...;-)
1) As the episode opened with the first look at the blankless stare of Robert Patrick Modell, the Pusher, your first thought was:
A) "Gee, he looks about as emotional as all of the characters are going to get this episode!"
B) "Cerulean! Cerruuuuuulean..."
C) "Oh, BOY! More hand-holding by Dana and Fox!!!"
2) As Mulder, Scully, and Skinner detailed the search team on the hunt for the escaped Pusher, did you:
A) Want Scully to finish off the speech-making with a Psalm quote and a hearty "Let's go get that bastard!"
B) Find yourself flashing back to that Babylon 5 episode where...oh, wait, cerulean...cerruuuuulean...
C) Wait for the officers to leave so Dana and Fox can get close and whisper their thoughts and theories to each other in a highly romantic setting like somewhere behind the boiler
3) As they found the prosecutor dead of paint ingestion, you found yourself focusing on:
A) The byzantine, surreal Japanese writing on the wall, hinting at the darkness to come against our heroes
B) The paint was cerulean blue! Cerulean.......
C) The fact Dana knows what a wedding ring looks like, and hope that prefigures something to come...(deep sigh)
4) As Mulder stumbled away from his confrontation with Modell, a blank expression on his face, did you:
A) Want Scully to slap him right then and there
B) Wonder if he's switching the color of his Speedos from red to cerulean blue...cerulean...
C) Want Dana to hug him and console him and tell him he'll be fine and then (deleted to protect sensitive X-Philers)
5) When Mulder determined that the prosecutor's wife (I call her Pushyr) was the real culprit even though Scully disagreed and Skinner ordered him off the case, did you:
A) say to yourself "What the hell has gotten into you, Punk?!"
B) mutter "brush...paint...cerulean..."
C) run screaming from the room yelling "Oh GOD NO! THE RIFT! THE RIFT!!!"
6) As the physical therapist calmly reached for the fuse box, your first thought was:
A) "Oh MY GOD! Her's name's really Kenny! You bastards!!!!"
B) You had no thoughts... your mind is blank expect for the color blue... ceruuulean blue...
C) "Scully, I had to call and check on you. By the way, does your cell phone have a surge protector?..."
7) As Pushyr came to visit Pusher in the hospital, as Modell slowly died under the watch of his sisterly feminine half, did you:
A) Wonder why this was the most emotional moment in an otherwise flat and unemotional episode
B) Think only of... you know the color by now!!!
C) Hope that Fox will recognize and accept his feminine half in Dana and finally quit his job, settle down with Dana on a small farm in Montana, and raise an army of Emily hybrids
8) When Mulder watched "Scully" shoot herself in the warehouse, your first thought was:
A) "That'll never happen! The Enigmatic One can never be pushed!!!"
B) -blank stare-
C) "NOOO! Now Fox is stuck with the UNiBlonder!!! NOOOOO!"
9) As the real Scully shot the real Pushyr standing behind Mulder, your reaction was:
A) "At last! Scully gets to shoot a blonde!!!"
B) Standing at attention and singing "Inna Gadda Da Vida" in German. I have no idea why.
C) Sigh with relief that Fox had enough sense to hold his fire and that Dana had enough practice with her aim!
10) As the episode ended, with Mulder pondering a possible defeat even though he won Pushyr's game, your final thought was:
A) "He would feel that way. Everybody's emotions have been whacked out of orbit this episode..."
B) "I will avenge my mistress Pushyr upon you... cerulean... ceruuuuuulean..."
C) "Oh NO! He's referring to the RIFT!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!...." (weeps uncontrollably)
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who's confused by all the emotionless acting this episode
B) Then you are a mind-slave of the Pushyr and will paint your house/ apartment/ college dorm cerulean blue before getting dragged off by the OBSSErs assigned to capture all of Pushyr's victims
C) Then you are a 'Shipper terrified of one thing...one unmentionable plot development...that...that...NOOOOO, the RIFT IS RETURNING! (runs) (hides) (watches the dance scene from Post-Modern Prometheus to stay sane)
Just remember, kids: Cerulean Blue is a gentle breeze... a gentle breeeeeeeeze... CEERRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUULEAN...
Oh, one other thing: I like the color blue, but I liked it waaaaaaaaay before I even started watching the Cerulean-Files. Uh, I mean X-Cerulean. Uh, is a gentle breeze. Wait. WAIT MY MIND IS MY CERULEAN BLUUUUUUUeeeee (drools)
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: KITSUNEGARI
: SPOILER Space for those who watched Babylon 5 instead...
: In SPOILER SPACE noone can hear you say "I'm fine, Mulder"...;-)
1) As the episode opened with the first look at the blankless stare of Robert Patrick Modell, the Pusher, your first thought was:
A) "Gee, he looks about as emotional as all of the characters are going to get this episode!"
B) "Cerulean! Cerruuuuuulean..."
C) "Oh, BOY! More hand-holding by Dana and Fox!!!"
2) As Mulder, Scully, and Skinner detailed the search team on the hunt for the escaped Pusher, did you:
A) Want Scully to finish off the speech-making with a Psalm quote and a hearty "Let's go get that bastard!"
B) Find yourself flashing back to that Babylon 5 episode where...oh, wait, cerulean...cerruuuuulean...
C) Wait for the officers to leave so Dana and Fox can get close and whisper their thoughts and theories to each other in a highly romantic setting like somewhere behind the boiler
3) As they found the prosecutor dead of paint ingestion, you found yourself focusing on:
A) The byzantine, surreal Japanese writing on the wall, hinting at the darkness to come against our heroes
B) The paint was cerulean blue! Cerulean.......
C) The fact Dana knows what a wedding ring looks like, and hope that prefigures something to come...(deep sigh)
4) As Mulder stumbled away from his confrontation with Modell, a blank expression on his face, did you:
A) Want Scully to slap him right then and there
B) Wonder if he's switching the color of his Speedos from red to cerulean blue...cerulean...
C) Want Dana to hug him and console him and tell him he'll be fine and then (deleted to protect sensitive X-Philers)
5) When Mulder determined that the prosecutor's wife (I call her Pushyr) was the real culprit even though Scully disagreed and Skinner ordered him off the case, did you:
A) say to yourself "What the hell has gotten into you, Punk?!"
B) mutter "brush...paint...cerulean..."
C) run screaming from the room yelling "Oh GOD NO! THE RIFT! THE RIFT!!!"
6) As the physical therapist calmly reached for the fuse box, your first thought was:
A) "Oh MY GOD! Her's name's really Kenny! You bastards!!!!"
B) You had no thoughts... your mind is blank expect for the color blue... ceruuulean blue...
C) "Scully, I had to call and check on you. By the way, does your cell phone have a surge protector?..."
7) As Pushyr came to visit Pusher in the hospital, as Modell slowly died under the watch of his sisterly feminine half, did you:
A) Wonder why this was the most emotional moment in an otherwise flat and unemotional episode
B) Think only of... you know the color by now!!!
C) Hope that Fox will recognize and accept his feminine half in Dana and finally quit his job, settle down with Dana on a small farm in Montana, and raise an army of Emily hybrids
8) When Mulder watched "Scully" shoot herself in the warehouse, your first thought was:
A) "That'll never happen! The Enigmatic One can never be pushed!!!"
B) -blank stare-
C) "NOOO! Now Fox is stuck with the UNiBlonder!!! NOOOOO!"
9) As the real Scully shot the real Pushyr standing behind Mulder, your reaction was:
A) "At last! Scully gets to shoot a blonde!!!"
B) Standing at attention and singing "Inna Gadda Da Vida" in German. I have no idea why.
C) Sigh with relief that Fox had enough sense to hold his fire and that Dana had enough practice with her aim!
10) As the episode ended, with Mulder pondering a possible defeat even though he won Pushyr's game, your final thought was:
A) "He would feel that way. Everybody's emotions have been whacked out of orbit this episode..."
B) "I will avenge my mistress Pushyr upon you... cerulean... ceruuuuuulean..."
C) "Oh NO! He's referring to the RIFT!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!...." (weeps uncontrollably)
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who's confused by all the emotionless acting this episode
B) Then you are a mind-slave of the Pushyr and will paint your house/ apartment/ college dorm cerulean blue before getting dragged off by the OBSSErs assigned to capture all of Pushyr's victims
C) Then you are a 'Shipper terrified of one thing...one unmentionable plot development...that...that...NOOOOO, the RIFT IS RETURNING! (runs) (hides) (watches the dance scene from Post-Modern Prometheus to stay sane)
Just remember, kids: Cerulean Blue is a gentle breeze... a gentle breeeeeeeeze... CEERRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUULEAN...
 |
| CERULEAN! |
Monday, June 20, 2016
X-Files: Chinga 'Shipper Survey
So, one of the things that happens with a successful horror/sci-fi/supernatural show getting into later seasons is that the producers get desperate for gimmicks and attention grabbers to avoid flagging ratings. Sometimes in the form of guest stars (Burt Reynolds?), or wacky crossovers (X-Cops) or Sweeps Week Lesbian Kissing (it has its own trope).
Sometimes it's in the form of famous horror/fantasy writers contributing a script, bringing in their own brand of character tics, plot devices, and bloody mayhem.
So of course they called in Stephen King.
"Can I do it about food?" He probably asked Chris Carter.
"What are you, Weird Al?"
"Can I at least set the story in Maine, even though there's no godforsaken reason to set a story there?"
"As long as you don't set it in Cabot Cove and violate Murder, She Wrote copyrights, knock yourself out!"
And so he did. And after waking up from the concussion, he wrote this script.
Which begs the question: WHAT THE HELL IS A CHINGA?
Senseless 'Shipper Survey- Chinga
(note: this was still early into Season Five when I didn't draw out the surveys into more than 20 questions or so. I've also cleaned up some of the survey with better details and hopefully funnier punchlines...)
1) As the show opened with a bratty little kid and her evil Twilight Zone doll wrecking havoc in a grocery store, your first thought was:
A) "At last! An X-File where St. Scully solves something without getting angsty!"
B) "Did Stephen King ever get ripped off at the local Publix or something? He really has it in for grocers..."
C) "Wait! That woman looks like Samantha! Dana will find her, end Fox's quest, and allow themselves the chance to settle down and develop a relationship! Yay!"
2) When Scully drove into town, convertible top down and classical music playing, all fashionable in blue jeans and t-shirt, did you:
A) want to buy a touristy t-shirt yourself so you could emulate the enigmatic one
B) wonder how much the gas costs in Vancouver... uh, Maine
C) know that Fox was beeping on the cell phone with helpful tourist tips and a possible marriage proposal (we have, after all, read the SPOILERs)
3) Scully calls in the bizarre mutilations and death in the grocery store. Mulder rattles off the X-File idea of witchcraft. Scully counters by rattling off everything she knows on the occult- and brother is it everything, like so:
SCULLY: Like evidence of conjuring
or the black arts
or shamanism,
divination,
Wicca
or any kind of pagan
or neo-Pagan practice.
Charms, cards, familiars, blood-stones,
or hex signs
or any of the ritual tableaux
associated with the occult,
Santeria,
Voudoun,
Macumba,
or any high or low magic?
MULDER (aroused): Scully... MARRY ME.
You wanted Scully's response to be:
A) "Not now, Mulder, I'm solving the case."
B) "I'm grateful that my arcane knowledge impresses you. Does this mean I can have my own desk now?"
C) You wanted Dana to say "YES!", but you were too busy overdosing on orgasmic bliss to care!
4) Typical as always: Scully finally gets in a good bath and the phone starts ringing. Your response to the entire situation is to:
A) Call up to the show with a Scullyrita recipe so the Blessed One can enjoy that too while she soaks
B) Wonder at the impressive bubble placement in the bathtub!
C) Want Dana to answer the phone, dressed conservatively of course, so she can hear Fox offer more possible solutions and almost certainly another marriage proposal...(sigh)
5) More bizarre deaths in a small Maine fishing community. Who could possibly solve it? (informed this is getting too close to copyright violations) When the town sheriff asks Scully if she's technically still on vacation, a subtle asking for her help in this case, did you:
A) Celebrate yet another "authority figure" bowing before the wisdom and strength of St. Scully
B) Realize that Scully wasn't wearing the t-shirt anymore, proving that she already knows the vacation is shot to bleep
C) Worry that "Jack" and Scully were getting a mite too familiar with each other...EEEK NO NOT THE RIFT
6) Scully finds out the doll the little girl lugs around everywhere wasn't bought in a shop or a yard sale, but recovered mysteriously by her now-dead father who dragged it in off a fishing net. You realize:
A) Scully had it lucky: Her father brought her GI Joe action figures from the Navy commissary!
B) Isn't it typical for East Coast fishermen to be dragging in devil dolls like that? But wait, devil dolls weren't in season that month!
C) That Fox hasn't called back with another marriage proposal. Maybe he's shopping for a ring first...
7) Scully and Jack the Sheriff arrive in time to see the devil doll force the poor mommy to hit herself with a hammer. As Scully politely asked the little girl for the doll so she could toss it into the microwave, you realize:
A) St. Scully has the patience of a...well, saint. :)
B) That somebody should have made the mental connection before now: doll, dead people, doll, dead people, evil doll = lots of death, Hey Jack toss that doll into the microwave, will ya?
C) Dana's real good with children, if only she accepted that marriage proposal from Fox and settled down in Montana to raise Emily hybrids...(sigh)
8) Mulder has been left the whole weekend watching bee movies (NO NOT THE BEES), bouncing the ball, and sharpening the pencils. Scully arrives having defeated the forces of darkness, finally asking about his poster and discovering the bizarre case of pencils being where they shouldn't be. Your closing thoughts were:
A) "See? The PUNK doesn't know what to do with himself while the Enigmatic One's away! And that wouldn't happen to the pencils if they had a proper storage area, like Scully's new desk, hint hint!!!!!"
B) "Who helped Stephen on the story? It looks like...Darin?!? At least it wasn't Shiban!..."
C) "Who cares about the pencils? Dammit, Fox, make that marriage proposal again!!!!"
If you more often than not answered:
A) then you are an OBSSEr who's grateful Scully knew how to play with dolls
B) then you are an X-Phile oddly surprised that a guest writer didn't stick up the place with his first script
C) then you are a 'Shipper wondering why Dana didn't say YES dammit to Fox's marriage proposal, and Valentine's Day right around the corner and everything...(here's your Sweeps Week ratings grabber, network execs! Weddings!)
Now, who wants pictures of Gillian as Lucille Ball?
Sometimes it's in the form of famous horror/fantasy writers contributing a script, bringing in their own brand of character tics, plot devices, and bloody mayhem.
So of course they called in Stephen King.
"Can I do it about food?" He probably asked Chris Carter.
"What are you, Weird Al?"
"Can I at least set the story in Maine, even though there's no godforsaken reason to set a story there?"
"As long as you don't set it in Cabot Cove and violate Murder, She Wrote copyrights, knock yourself out!"
And so he did. And after waking up from the concussion, he wrote this script.
Which begs the question: WHAT THE HELL IS A CHINGA?
Senseless 'Shipper Survey- Chinga
(note: this was still early into Season Five when I didn't draw out the surveys into more than 20 questions or so. I've also cleaned up some of the survey with better details and hopefully funnier punchlines...)
1) As the show opened with a bratty little kid and her evil Twilight Zone doll wrecking havoc in a grocery store, your first thought was:
A) "At last! An X-File where St. Scully solves something without getting angsty!"
B) "Did Stephen King ever get ripped off at the local Publix or something? He really has it in for grocers..."
C) "Wait! That woman looks like Samantha! Dana will find her, end Fox's quest, and allow themselves the chance to settle down and develop a relationship! Yay!"
2) When Scully drove into town, convertible top down and classical music playing, all fashionable in blue jeans and t-shirt, did you:
A) want to buy a touristy t-shirt yourself so you could emulate the enigmatic one
B) wonder how much the gas costs in Vancouver... uh, Maine
C) know that Fox was beeping on the cell phone with helpful tourist tips and a possible marriage proposal (we have, after all, read the SPOILERs)
3) Scully calls in the bizarre mutilations and death in the grocery store. Mulder rattles off the X-File idea of witchcraft. Scully counters by rattling off everything she knows on the occult- and brother is it everything, like so:
SCULLY: Like evidence of conjuring
or the black arts
or shamanism,
divination,
Wicca
or any kind of pagan
or neo-Pagan practice.
Charms, cards, familiars, blood-stones,
or hex signs
or any of the ritual tableaux
associated with the occult,
Santeria,
Voudoun,
Macumba,
or any high or low magic?
MULDER (aroused): Scully... MARRY ME.
You wanted Scully's response to be:
A) "Not now, Mulder, I'm solving the case."
B) "I'm grateful that my arcane knowledge impresses you. Does this mean I can have my own desk now?"
C) You wanted Dana to say "YES!", but you were too busy overdosing on orgasmic bliss to care!
4) Typical as always: Scully finally gets in a good bath and the phone starts ringing. Your response to the entire situation is to:
A) Call up to the show with a Scullyrita recipe so the Blessed One can enjoy that too while she soaks
B) Wonder at the impressive bubble placement in the bathtub!
C) Want Dana to answer the phone, dressed conservatively of course, so she can hear Fox offer more possible solutions and almost certainly another marriage proposal...(sigh)
5) More bizarre deaths in a small Maine fishing community. Who could possibly solve it? (
A) Celebrate yet another "authority figure" bowing before the wisdom and strength of St. Scully
B) Realize that Scully wasn't wearing the t-shirt anymore, proving that she already knows the vacation is shot to bleep
C) Worry that "Jack" and Scully were getting a mite too familiar with each other...EEEK NO NOT THE RIFT
6) Scully finds out the doll the little girl lugs around everywhere wasn't bought in a shop or a yard sale, but recovered mysteriously by her now-dead father who dragged it in off a fishing net. You realize:
A) Scully had it lucky: Her father brought her GI Joe action figures from the Navy commissary!
B) Isn't it typical for East Coast fishermen to be dragging in devil dolls like that? But wait, devil dolls weren't in season that month!
C) That Fox hasn't called back with another marriage proposal. Maybe he's shopping for a ring first...
7) Scully and Jack the Sheriff arrive in time to see the devil doll force the poor mommy to hit herself with a hammer. As Scully politely asked the little girl for the doll so she could toss it into the microwave, you realize:
A) St. Scully has the patience of a...well, saint. :)
B) That somebody should have made the mental connection before now: doll, dead people, doll, dead people, evil doll = lots of death, Hey Jack toss that doll into the microwave, will ya?
C) Dana's real good with children, if only she accepted that marriage proposal from Fox and settled down in Montana to raise Emily hybrids...(sigh)
8) Mulder has been left the whole weekend watching bee movies (NO NOT THE BEES), bouncing the ball, and sharpening the pencils. Scully arrives having defeated the forces of darkness, finally asking about his poster and discovering the bizarre case of pencils being where they shouldn't be. Your closing thoughts were:
A) "See? The PUNK doesn't know what to do with himself while the Enigmatic One's away! And that wouldn't happen to the pencils if they had a proper storage area, like Scully's new desk, hint hint!!!!!"
B) "Who helped Stephen on the story? It looks like...Darin?!? At least it wasn't Shiban!..."
C) "Who cares about the pencils? Dammit, Fox, make that marriage proposal again!!!!"
If you more often than not answered:
A) then you are an OBSSEr who's grateful Scully knew how to play with dolls
B) then you are an X-Phile oddly surprised that a guest writer didn't stick up the place with his first script
C) then you are a 'Shipper wondering why Dana didn't say YES dammit to Fox's marriage proposal, and Valentine's Day right around the corner and everything...(here's your Sweeps Week ratings grabber, network execs! Weddings!)
Now, who wants pictures of Gillian as Lucille Ball?
Friday, April 15, 2016
X-Files: Redux II Senseless 'Shipper Survey
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES...
(insane amount of sweaty moaning, groaning bodies entwined in passion as... oh wait, that's the porn parody. My bad)
PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL X-FILES...
It's a Mytharc episode where Mulder fakes his death, Scully tries to expose a traitor within the ranks of the FBI, Skinner flirts shamelessly with his fanbase, and everyone else is waiting for the Big Movie that's due to arrive after Season Five.
And now, onto the third part of a three-episode cliffhanger!
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: REDUX II The Quickening!
1) The episode begins with Mulder and Scully enjoying themselves at a picnic. You respond by:
A) Finding the writer of this survey and slapping him with a trout
B) Shaking your head because you're damn sure you've never seen that happen
C) Tasking Fox for bringing chips when Dana specifically asked him to make potato salad
2) Okay, really, the episode begins with Mulder stumbling into a hospital where no one will tell him where Scully is. Skinner appears to chew him out, and drags Mulder away from a comatose Scully. You:
A) Pull out your Holy Tissue Paper and pray for the Blessed One
B) Flash back to "One Breath" and worry that Chris Carter and Co. are repeating themselves
C) Bask with the knowledge that Fox's over-reaction to Dana's health proves he loves her
3) Mulder gets called to the carpet, after faking his death and becoming a prime suspect in the shooting death of the DOD agent that spied on him. Meanwhile, CancerMan also gets called in by the Elder, who warns that Mulder had seen too much of their operations. As the plot thickens, you take the time to:
A) Pour yourself a Scullyrita and prepare for the movie, coming to all theaters June 19, at which point Gillian Anderson will become the first performer to win an Emmy AND Oscar for playing the same character
B) Count the hours and minutes for the movie, coming to all theaters June 19, at which point it'll leave behind such wimpy films like Godzilla and Truman Show in the dust
C) Count the hours and minutes for the movie, coming to all theaters June 19, at which point we'll all see Dana and Fox finally DO IT
4) Mulder checks in on Scully to see how she's doing. They talk about what they found, with Mulder admitting he found no cure and Scully worried that Skinner is the traitor. When Scully offers to let herself take the blame for the DOD agent's death with the words, "If I can save you, let me," you react by:
A) Whooping up a storm in high praise for the Enigmatic One, who's willing to redeem the Punk with her gallant noble sacrifice
B) Sewing up a few voodoo dolls of the Emmy judges who failed to hand over the Best Drama award last time around
C) Cursing Fox for that kiss on Dana's cheek when there was a better target, like HER LIPS...Dammit, two inches to the left and it would have been BLISS!....
5) Mulder finally meets Scully's older brother, Bill Jr. When you size up the animosity between the two, you realize:
A) That both the Punk and the OBIE (Older Brother Incarnate Evil) deserve to get trout-slapped by Mama Scully
B) That the ER unit's gonna hafta show up soon to get Mulder's shoe out of Bill's ass
C) That Fox and Dana shouldn't expect any wedding present from her brother
6) CancerMan arrives to offer Mulder information: that he did indeed find Scully's cure in that vial from Redux I. Mulder returns to the Lone Gunmen, who find a microchip similar to the one Scully removed all the way back in Season Three. He returns it to Scully, who has to listen to her brother's objections and doctor's warning before making her decision. You:
A) Chant, "Damn right it's her decision!"
B) Chant, "Kick Bill's ass, Mulder!"
C) Chant, "Clear out the doctors and relatives, Dana, and use that bed with Fox!"
7) CancerMan tempts Mulder some more, this time by bringing back his sister Samantha, who claims that CSM is her father. As Mulder poignantly grips her hand in that diner, refusing to let her go, you realize:
A) The Punk's going to need truckloads of psych evaluation after this episode's over
B) Mulder just wants her to stay and try some of that damn good cherry pie shipped in from Twin Peaks
C) That Fox should invite her to the hospital to meet Dana and her family, and hopefully help him kick Bill's ass
8) Mulder quietly returns to the hospital and with tears in his eyes begins chewing at Scully's hand. You:
A) Want the Enigmatic One to wake up and trout-slap him
B) Wonder if Scully literally tastes like strawberries
C) Wish Fox would chew on Dana's lower lip instead, gently stirring her from her respite as she wraps an arm around his neck, drawing him closer to her as their mouths touch, as his hands slowly, oh so slowly moves along her stomach right up to her (deleted to protect younger viewers)
9) Scully meets with her mom, tears in her eyes. She confronts the moment of her mortality by questioning why she still wears her cross when she had denied her faith until now. As Scully questions her need for faith, you realize:
A) That Scully has now confirmed her sainthood and that the Vatican should begin the beafication process right now!!!
B) That Scully's really upset about these teethmarks on her arm
C) That Mrs. Scully really introduced her daughter Dana to that priest in Gethsemane so she can organize that impending wedding with Fox (hopeful grin)
10) CancerMan makes the offer to Mulder: Quit the FBI and work for him. Mulder says "no deal." You:
A) Recognize the moral victory and decide he's not such a Punk after all
B) Wonder if CancerMan will add to the temptation by offering a free lifetime subscription to Romana Clef magazine
C) Know Fox will go from this meeting straight to that jewelry store you're sure you spotted in the background so he can pick up that diamond ring he's had on order for two months (hopeful grin)
11) Okay, you've defeated the Rancor Beast and have escaped into the main hallway with your lightsaber. You're looking for a Droid Arm that'll help you open one of the locked doors at the other end of the hall. At this point you:
A) Trout-slap the survey writer and tell him to stop playing "Mysteries of the Sith" dammit!
B) Find the room with the conveyor belt and find the Droid Arm there, then slash at the grate below you to sneak into a Secret Area
C) Wonder if Mara Jade and Luke Skywalker would ever do it (P.S. Mara, make sure Luke doesn't have a tail, okay???)
12) Okay, back to the show. Blevins calls Mulder back to the carpet and offers a deal for Mulder to betray Skinner. You realize:
A) That after that close-up of the Elder, you can tell Scully that it wasn't him who left the teethmarks (Sheesh! You'd think the conspiracy would pay for a decent dental plan!...)
B) That now it's too obvious that Blevins is the mole and that he's going to get his ass kicked...right after Mulder whups Bill Jr's ass, that is...
C) That after all these deals and betrayals, it's good to know that Dana and Fox "trust" each other so well...(grateful sigh)...
13) Mulder and Scully meet one last time before he must go to the investigating committee. Mulder confides that he turned down a deal knowing Scully would argue against his accepting it. Scully clasps his hand and whispers that he will be in her prayers. You:
A) Know the Punk will be okay, because the Enigmatic One's prayers get to the Head Office Upstairs ASAP!
B) Know now that deal Mulder was offered doesn't have a decent dental plan
C) Know that priest was really there to perform an impromptu wedding...(deep sigh)...
14) Mulder goes before the committee, making his big speech about the conspiracy against the American people. He declares Blevins is the traitor in the FBI. As everybody runs about, with Blevins killed by his lackey and CancerMan shot by Quiet Willy, you shout:
A) "Go get 'em, Punk!"
B) "That's Brisk, baby!" (Sorry, saw the ad a moment ago...)
C) "Fox, get back to that hospital bed and get that priest to marry you and Dana NOW!"
15) Skinner finds Mulder waiting outside Scully's hospital room. They share information: Blevins is dead, CancerMan was shot but there's no body, and Scully's cancer is in remission. As Skinner tries to smile at an apologetic Scully and as Mulder stares at a photo of Samantha and cries, you end the episode by:
A) Knowing Scully would never die...after all, that's what Clyde said!
B) Pondering how CancerMan survived the shooting
C) Wishing we can see Dana and Fox celebrating over a bottle of red wine and sob stories about prom nights...(deep sigh)...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who knew the Enigmatic One would rise again
B) Then you are an X-Phile who really needs the cheat codes to get through the "Mysteries of the Sith" game
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's glad Dana and Fox know how to kiss each other on the cheek, but we want lips locking, dammit!!!
P.S. You know, an X-Files game like "Quake" and "Jedi Knight" wouldn't be all that bad!...
(Note: As this is 2016, I'm pretty sure an X-Files MMO would be more awesome!)
(insane amount of sweaty moaning, groaning bodies entwined in passion as... oh wait, that's the porn parody. My bad)
PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL X-FILES...
It's a Mytharc episode where Mulder fakes his death, Scully tries to expose a traitor within the ranks of the FBI, Skinner flirts shamelessly with his fanbase, and everyone else is waiting for the Big Movie that's due to arrive after Season Five.
And now, onto the third part of a three-episode cliffhanger!
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: REDUX II The Quickening!
1) The episode begins with Mulder and Scully enjoying themselves at a picnic. You respond by:
A) Finding the writer of this survey and slapping him with a trout
B) Shaking your head because you're damn sure you've never seen that happen
C) Tasking Fox for bringing chips when Dana specifically asked him to make potato salad
2) Okay, really, the episode begins with Mulder stumbling into a hospital where no one will tell him where Scully is. Skinner appears to chew him out, and drags Mulder away from a comatose Scully. You:
A) Pull out your Holy Tissue Paper and pray for the Blessed One
B) Flash back to "One Breath" and worry that Chris Carter and Co. are repeating themselves
C) Bask with the knowledge that Fox's over-reaction to Dana's health proves he loves her
3) Mulder gets called to the carpet, after faking his death and becoming a prime suspect in the shooting death of the DOD agent that spied on him. Meanwhile, CancerMan also gets called in by the Elder, who warns that Mulder had seen too much of their operations. As the plot thickens, you take the time to:
A) Pour yourself a Scullyrita and prepare for the movie, coming to all theaters June 19, at which point Gillian Anderson will become the first performer to win an Emmy AND Oscar for playing the same character
B) Count the hours and minutes for the movie, coming to all theaters June 19, at which point it'll leave behind such wimpy films like Godzilla and Truman Show in the dust
C) Count the hours and minutes for the movie, coming to all theaters June 19, at which point we'll all see Dana and Fox finally DO IT
4) Mulder checks in on Scully to see how she's doing. They talk about what they found, with Mulder admitting he found no cure and Scully worried that Skinner is the traitor. When Scully offers to let herself take the blame for the DOD agent's death with the words, "If I can save you, let me," you react by:
A) Whooping up a storm in high praise for the Enigmatic One, who's willing to redeem the Punk with her gallant noble sacrifice
B) Sewing up a few voodoo dolls of the Emmy judges who failed to hand over the Best Drama award last time around
C) Cursing Fox for that kiss on Dana's cheek when there was a better target, like HER LIPS...Dammit, two inches to the left and it would have been BLISS!....
5) Mulder finally meets Scully's older brother, Bill Jr. When you size up the animosity between the two, you realize:
A) That both the Punk and the OBIE (Older Brother Incarnate Evil) deserve to get trout-slapped by Mama Scully
B) That the ER unit's gonna hafta show up soon to get Mulder's shoe out of Bill's ass
C) That Fox and Dana shouldn't expect any wedding present from her brother
6) CancerMan arrives to offer Mulder information: that he did indeed find Scully's cure in that vial from Redux I. Mulder returns to the Lone Gunmen, who find a microchip similar to the one Scully removed all the way back in Season Three. He returns it to Scully, who has to listen to her brother's objections and doctor's warning before making her decision. You:
A) Chant, "Damn right it's her decision!"
B) Chant, "Kick Bill's ass, Mulder!"
C) Chant, "Clear out the doctors and relatives, Dana, and use that bed with Fox!"
7) CancerMan tempts Mulder some more, this time by bringing back his sister Samantha, who claims that CSM is her father. As Mulder poignantly grips her hand in that diner, refusing to let her go, you realize:
A) The Punk's going to need truckloads of psych evaluation after this episode's over
B) Mulder just wants her to stay and try some of that damn good cherry pie shipped in from Twin Peaks
C) That Fox should invite her to the hospital to meet Dana and her family, and hopefully help him kick Bill's ass
8) Mulder quietly returns to the hospital and with tears in his eyes begins chewing at Scully's hand. You:
A) Want the Enigmatic One to wake up and trout-slap him
B) Wonder if Scully literally tastes like strawberries
C) Wish Fox would chew on Dana's lower lip instead, gently stirring her from her respite as she wraps an arm around his neck, drawing him closer to her as their mouths touch, as his hands slowly, oh so slowly moves along her stomach right up to her (deleted to protect younger viewers)
9) Scully meets with her mom, tears in her eyes. She confronts the moment of her mortality by questioning why she still wears her cross when she had denied her faith until now. As Scully questions her need for faith, you realize:
A) That Scully has now confirmed her sainthood and that the Vatican should begin the beafication process right now!!!
B) That Scully's really upset about these teethmarks on her arm
C) That Mrs. Scully really introduced her daughter Dana to that priest in Gethsemane so she can organize that impending wedding with Fox (hopeful grin)
10) CancerMan makes the offer to Mulder: Quit the FBI and work for him. Mulder says "no deal." You:
A) Recognize the moral victory and decide he's not such a Punk after all
B) Wonder if CancerMan will add to the temptation by offering a free lifetime subscription to Romana Clef magazine
C) Know Fox will go from this meeting straight to that jewelry store you're sure you spotted in the background so he can pick up that diamond ring he's had on order for two months (hopeful grin)
11) Okay, you've defeated the Rancor Beast and have escaped into the main hallway with your lightsaber. You're looking for a Droid Arm that'll help you open one of the locked doors at the other end of the hall. At this point you:
A) Trout-slap the survey writer and tell him to stop playing "Mysteries of the Sith" dammit!
B) Find the room with the conveyor belt and find the Droid Arm there, then slash at the grate below you to sneak into a Secret Area
C) Wonder if Mara Jade and Luke Skywalker would ever do it (P.S. Mara, make sure Luke doesn't have a tail, okay???)
12) Okay, back to the show. Blevins calls Mulder back to the carpet and offers a deal for Mulder to betray Skinner. You realize:
A) That after that close-up of the Elder, you can tell Scully that it wasn't him who left the teethmarks (Sheesh! You'd think the conspiracy would pay for a decent dental plan!...)
B) That now it's too obvious that Blevins is the mole and that he's going to get his ass kicked...right after Mulder whups Bill Jr's ass, that is...
C) That after all these deals and betrayals, it's good to know that Dana and Fox "trust" each other so well...(grateful sigh)...
13) Mulder and Scully meet one last time before he must go to the investigating committee. Mulder confides that he turned down a deal knowing Scully would argue against his accepting it. Scully clasps his hand and whispers that he will be in her prayers. You:
A) Know the Punk will be okay, because the Enigmatic One's prayers get to the Head Office Upstairs ASAP!
B) Know now that deal Mulder was offered doesn't have a decent dental plan
C) Know that priest was really there to perform an impromptu wedding...(deep sigh)...
14) Mulder goes before the committee, making his big speech about the conspiracy against the American people. He declares Blevins is the traitor in the FBI. As everybody runs about, with Blevins killed by his lackey and CancerMan shot by Quiet Willy, you shout:
A) "Go get 'em, Punk!"
B) "That's Brisk, baby!" (Sorry, saw the ad a moment ago...)
C) "Fox, get back to that hospital bed and get that priest to marry you and Dana NOW!"
15) Skinner finds Mulder waiting outside Scully's hospital room. They share information: Blevins is dead, CancerMan was shot but there's no body, and Scully's cancer is in remission. As Skinner tries to smile at an apologetic Scully and as Mulder stares at a photo of Samantha and cries, you end the episode by:
A) Knowing Scully would never die...after all, that's what Clyde said!
B) Pondering how CancerMan survived the shooting
C) Wishing we can see Dana and Fox celebrating over a bottle of red wine and sob stories about prom nights...(deep sigh)...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who knew the Enigmatic One would rise again
B) Then you are an X-Phile who really needs the cheat codes to get through the "Mysteries of the Sith" game
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's glad Dana and Fox know how to kiss each other on the cheek, but we want lips locking, dammit!!!
P.S. You know, an X-Files game like "Quake" and "Jedi Knight" wouldn't be all that bad!...
(Note: As this is 2016, I'm pretty sure an X-Files MMO would be more awesome!)
Thursday, April 14, 2016
X-Files: Redux Part I 'Shipper Survey
One of the things we get with season openers are the oversized Mytharc episodes, where there's so much conspiracy to unpack that they split the stories up into a season-ending cliffhanger the previous year and an exhausting two-parter the next.
Season Five opened up with a big one, as this was the season that everyone knew was prologuing towards the big screen Movie, so a lot had to be addressed.
As a reminder to the readers here, Season Five is when I started the 'Shipper Survey posts on alt.tv.x-files so the number of questions here is smaller than it would be for the later Mytharc / 'Shipper-friendly episodes. That said, here goes...
X-Files 'Shipper Survey: REDUX
Well, I missed this the first time around, since I really started these with "Detour," but thank God for re-runs, ya?
1) As the episode begins with a flashback to "Gethsemane" and leads into Mulder discovering his upstairs neighbor is a bit of a snoop, you realize:
A) That the Punk should have noticed earlier the sawdust on the floor from where the hole was drilled
B) That Mulder wasn't going to kill himself because he hadn't returned "Sorority Sex Kittens II" to the rental store yet
C) That the guy upstairs must have about two months worth of video proving Dana and Fox did a lot of...um, hand-holding...(very wicked grin)
2) Scully returns to her apartment, checks her answering machine ("You have zero messages") and goes to change her clothes. As she pulls at her shirt, we hear Mulder whisper in the shadows, "Take it off, FBI woman." You:
A) Want Scully to hit the Punk with a Holy Trout, not only because he snuck into her apartment but most likely erased all of the messages left by Scully's mom
B) Wonder why Scully didn't see Mulder's car out front
C) Wish Dana would plop a Sarah McLachlan CD into the player and slowly -seductively- strip to that cool song "Wait"...deeeeeep sigh...
3) Mulder reveals he killed the guy upstairs, and that he has evidence someone in the FBI has set them up all these years. As he asks Scully to lie for him, you decide:
A) That the Blessed One would lie is a complex issue that must be investigated at the next #OBSSE chat this Friday
B) That when the credits for the guy who plays Blevins (Charles Cioffi) flashed on the screen, you figured out who the inside leak was!
C) That Dana and Fox are going to have to hug now because it looks like they're splitting up to chase different clues for the rest of the episode (Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...)
4) Skinner confronts Scully about the apparent suicide of Mulder. You realize:
A) That the SRE she just used on her boss doesn't sound as convincing as the ones she's used in Darin Morgan episodes
B) That Mulder's neighbors must be grateful that the bastard's finally gone...I mean, all those shootings, all those dead bodies, all that basketball bouncing, sheesh!...
C) That Walter's looking at Dana the wrong way...Nooooooooooo!...
5) Scully goes to the basement office and checks with the internal telephone operators about the phone numbers leading to the inside leak. As Holly from "Pusher" gives help and consolation, you:
A) Want the Blessed One to kick that nameplate off Mulder's desk and put hers in its place
B) Scream at Holly to run because the producers have this bad habit of killing off all the cute, young FBI agents who help out
C) Wait for Dana to admit to her friend, "Yeah, well, thank you for your concern, you know...I just...I "trusted" him...(sniff) (sniff)..." **
6) The guy who tipped off Scully and Mulder about the alien autopsy hoax, Kritschgau, meets Mulder in the DOD offices and escorts him through the building, all the while expounding on the history of government cover-ups. While pictures of various military projects, experiments, nuclear tests, quickly flash on the screen to supplement the ongoing narration, you:
A) Know St. Scully will appear shortly to give a medical warning for possible epileptic seizures
B) Realize the editors from Oliver Stone's "JFK" have taken over the post-production of this episode
C) Believe you caught a "Blink-And-You'll-Miss-It" shot of Dana and Fox at a wedding
7) Skinner confronts Scully, revealing the lie about the dead man in Mulder's apartment. Scully confronts Skinner, convinced for some reason that Skinner is the inside leak. Your response is:
A) To worry that Psychic!Scully's powers may be waning as her cancer kills her
B) To worry that your bet about Blevins being the leak might not pay off
C) To worry that Dana's not taking the time to call Fox with the message "I'm fine"
8) Mulder finds CancerMan's closet. While he's looking for a cure for Scully, you wish:
A) That the Punk would find some holy water so Autumn can bless more trout with it
B) That he'd find a wooden box marked "Tanis Artifact RE: Dr. Jones, H. - Classified 1936" with something humming inside
C) That not only will he find a cure for Dana but he'll also find a diamond ring and the courage to offer it to her...deep sigh...
9) Mulder escapes from the underground passageways holding what may be the cure for Scully's cancer. But as he leaves, CancerMan steps from the shadows oddly smiling. You scream out:
A) "Oh NO! The Punk's grabbed the wrong thing!"
B) "Oh NO! That building has no "No Smoking" policy!"
C) "Oh NO! Fox didn't find that diamond ring!"
10) We see Scully as she was in "Gethsemane" before Blevins' committee. As she tries to reveal her conclusion that Skinner is the traitor, blood drips from her nose and she collapses. We cut to the Lone Gunmen testing the contents of the vial found by Mulder, but they discover it's only de-ionized water. As the episode concludes with a "To Be Continued" message, you:
A) Pull out your Holy Handkerchiefs and pray for the Blessed One's recovery
B) Sigh and wait for the final chapter which apparently has CancerMan saying, "Join Me, Fox, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son"
C) Weep that Fox wasn't there to console Dana in her hour of need
** Author's note: I think by now EVERY X-Phile (and not just the 'Shippers) knows that "trust" means "love" where Mulder and Scully are concerned...deep sigh...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who's convinced Scully was going to say to the committee members watching her nose bleed, "I'm fine, really..."
B) Then you are an X-Phile who's already tired of repeats this summer and can't wait for the movie...hurry up!...
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's upset that Dana and Fox didn't strip for each other when they had the chance...sigh...
So who wants to see Redux Part II Survey?! ...Anyone...?
Season Five opened up with a big one, as this was the season that everyone knew was prologuing towards the big screen Movie, so a lot had to be addressed.
As a reminder to the readers here, Season Five is when I started the 'Shipper Survey posts on alt.tv.x-files so the number of questions here is smaller than it would be for the later Mytharc / 'Shipper-friendly episodes. That said, here goes...
X-Files 'Shipper Survey: REDUX
Well, I missed this the first time around, since I really started these with "Detour," but thank God for re-runs, ya?
1) As the episode begins with a flashback to "Gethsemane" and leads into Mulder discovering his upstairs neighbor is a bit of a snoop, you realize:
A) That the Punk should have noticed earlier the sawdust on the floor from where the hole was drilled
B) That Mulder wasn't going to kill himself because he hadn't returned "Sorority Sex Kittens II" to the rental store yet
C) That the guy upstairs must have about two months worth of video proving Dana and Fox did a lot of...um, hand-holding...(very wicked grin)
2) Scully returns to her apartment, checks her answering machine ("You have zero messages") and goes to change her clothes. As she pulls at her shirt, we hear Mulder whisper in the shadows, "Take it off, FBI woman." You:
A) Want Scully to hit the Punk with a Holy Trout, not only because he snuck into her apartment but most likely erased all of the messages left by Scully's mom
B) Wonder why Scully didn't see Mulder's car out front
C) Wish Dana would plop a Sarah McLachlan CD into the player and slowly -seductively- strip to that cool song "Wait"...deeeeeep sigh...
3) Mulder reveals he killed the guy upstairs, and that he has evidence someone in the FBI has set them up all these years. As he asks Scully to lie for him, you decide:
A) That the Blessed One would lie is a complex issue that must be investigated at the next #OBSSE chat this Friday
B) That when the credits for the guy who plays Blevins (Charles Cioffi) flashed on the screen, you figured out who the inside leak was!
C) That Dana and Fox are going to have to hug now because it looks like they're splitting up to chase different clues for the rest of the episode (Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...)
4) Skinner confronts Scully about the apparent suicide of Mulder. You realize:
A) That the SRE she just used on her boss doesn't sound as convincing as the ones she's used in Darin Morgan episodes
B) That Mulder's neighbors must be grateful that the bastard's finally gone...I mean, all those shootings, all those dead bodies, all that basketball bouncing, sheesh!...
C) That Walter's looking at Dana the wrong way...Nooooooooooo!...
5) Scully goes to the basement office and checks with the internal telephone operators about the phone numbers leading to the inside leak. As Holly from "Pusher" gives help and consolation, you:
A) Want the Blessed One to kick that nameplate off Mulder's desk and put hers in its place
B) Scream at Holly to run because the producers have this bad habit of killing off all the cute, young FBI agents who help out
C) Wait for Dana to admit to her friend, "Yeah, well, thank you for your concern, you know...I just...I "trusted" him...(sniff) (sniff)..." **
6) The guy who tipped off Scully and Mulder about the alien autopsy hoax, Kritschgau, meets Mulder in the DOD offices and escorts him through the building, all the while expounding on the history of government cover-ups. While pictures of various military projects, experiments, nuclear tests, quickly flash on the screen to supplement the ongoing narration, you:
A) Know St. Scully will appear shortly to give a medical warning for possible epileptic seizures
B) Realize the editors from Oliver Stone's "JFK" have taken over the post-production of this episode
C) Believe you caught a "Blink-And-You'll-Miss-It" shot of Dana and Fox at a wedding
7) Skinner confronts Scully, revealing the lie about the dead man in Mulder's apartment. Scully confronts Skinner, convinced for some reason that Skinner is the inside leak. Your response is:
A) To worry that Psychic!Scully's powers may be waning as her cancer kills her
B) To worry that your bet about Blevins being the leak might not pay off
C) To worry that Dana's not taking the time to call Fox with the message "I'm fine"
8) Mulder finds CancerMan's closet. While he's looking for a cure for Scully, you wish:
A) That the Punk would find some holy water so Autumn can bless more trout with it
B) That he'd find a wooden box marked "Tanis Artifact RE: Dr. Jones, H. - Classified 1936" with something humming inside
C) That not only will he find a cure for Dana but he'll also find a diamond ring and the courage to offer it to her...deep sigh...
9) Mulder escapes from the underground passageways holding what may be the cure for Scully's cancer. But as he leaves, CancerMan steps from the shadows oddly smiling. You scream out:
A) "Oh NO! The Punk's grabbed the wrong thing!"
B) "Oh NO! That building has no "No Smoking" policy!"
C) "Oh NO! Fox didn't find that diamond ring!"
10) We see Scully as she was in "Gethsemane" before Blevins' committee. As she tries to reveal her conclusion that Skinner is the traitor, blood drips from her nose and she collapses. We cut to the Lone Gunmen testing the contents of the vial found by Mulder, but they discover it's only de-ionized water. As the episode concludes with a "To Be Continued" message, you:
A) Pull out your Holy Handkerchiefs and pray for the Blessed One's recovery
B) Sigh and wait for the final chapter which apparently has CancerMan saying, "Join Me, Fox, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son"
C) Weep that Fox wasn't there to console Dana in her hour of need
** Author's note: I think by now EVERY X-Phile (and not just the 'Shippers) knows that "trust" means "love" where Mulder and Scully are concerned...deep sigh...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who's convinced Scully was going to say to the committee members watching her nose bleed, "I'm fine, really..."
B) Then you are an X-Phile who's already tired of repeats this summer and can't wait for the movie...hurry up!...
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's upset that Dana and Fox didn't strip for each other when they had the chance...sigh...
So who wants to see Redux Part II Survey?! ...Anyone...?
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Today The X-Files Returns, So You Get... The End 'Shipper Survey!
NOOOOOOO!
Oh, relax. It's only the The End to Season Five! They had the movie after this.
Wait, did I just SPOILER this survey?! Uh-oh... (runs)
Senseless 'Shipper Survey - The End
(This is the end...beautiful friend...this is the end...my only friend...the end...GOD, I have waited sooooo long to quote Jim Morrison with this show!!!...)
1) As the episode opens in Vancouver (for some reason looking a lot like L.A.) with a packed arena watching a chess match between a Russian master and an American child prodigy, you realize:
A) That Scully could beat the Punk at a good game of chess
B) That Vancouver's teams must suck royally if the local sports fans are driven to turn out for chess
C) That Dana and Fox could play a wicked game of strip chess if they wanted to...
2) Skinner is waiting in the basement to quiz Mulder about the future of the X-Files and the fact that Agent "Stiff Neck" Spender is leading the investigation into an assassination attempt at the chess match. You:
A) Task Skinner for not letting Scully put that nameplate she got at the NY Expo up on the door
B) Wonder who put that Post-It note saying "You Are Here" over the UFO in the poster
C) Worry that Skinner is looking at Fox the wrong way ("Not that there's anything wrong with it!")
3) Mulder interrupts Spender's presentation by showing up and inside of three seconds solving the case: the shooter was aiming for the kid, who seems to be aware of someone aiming for him. You respond by:
A) Suggesting Scully hand Mulder a trout so he can slap Spender with it
B) Changing the title you've scribbled on the VCR tape from "The End" to "Shooting At Bobby Fisher"
C) Hoping Fox would stop staring at that brunette sitting in the corner...hel-lo, Fox, please stare at the redhead!...
4) Mulder and Scully drive off to interview the child prodigy, but this time they have a backseat driver: Diane Fowley, the brunette who looks a lot like that woman from the movie "Rapture". You:
A) Stop your loathing of blondes like Marita and Det. White and start your loathing of brunettes like Bambi and Diane
B) Wonder if Tea Leoni is cowering in the backseat whispering "You just keep your eyes on the road, mister!!!"
C) Suggest that next time Fowley drives the car so Dana and Fox can sit in the back (vwg)
5) The trio of agents confront the child, who's busy watching cartoons. When Mulder pesters Gibson with questions, the kid says "You've got a dirty mind," reveals Fox is thinking of one of the women and also notes one of the women is thinking of him. You shout out:
A) "Scully, stop thinking about cookie dough ice cream and focus on your assignment!"
B) "Hey, if Mulder's got a dirty mind, why isn't he thinking about BOTH women???"
C) "Dana, you'd better NOT be thinking about cookie dough ice cream!!"
6) While Mulder confronts Spender about getting information from the assassin, Scully and Fowley team up to examine the boy using science and parapsychology. As Gibson accurately reads off the picture cards and the breakfasts the examining crew had, you:
A) Note the fine maternal qualities the Enigmatic One used in handling Gibson during the medical examination
B) Consider what the kid meant when he noted Scully was wondering about Fowley and that Fowley was wondering about her...Hey, now I'VE got a dirty mind!!!...(vwg)
C) Worry that Fox said, "Diane, you know what to do" as though he and Diane once...once...oh NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo
7) Scully goes to the Lone Gunmen to verify some evidence and to also find out about Diane Fowley. You:
A) Task the Red-Headed One for getting all flustered over a Punk
B) Admire Frohike's fashion sense
C) Wail and knash your teeth, knowing the horrible realization that...that...NOOooooooo
8) Fowley and Mulder talk about his work on the X-Files, on whether or not he would have been better off teamed with someone open to the extreme possibilities, someone like her. Then they hold hands. You:
A) Grumble, because the Punk didn't praise Scully highly enough
B) Scowl, because all the kid seems to do is watch cartoons from the FOX Network
C) Curl up into a fetal position, because Fox is holding hands with the wrong one...NOOOoooooooooo (Note: this was before I found out there were NoRomos in the world, damn them)
9) Scully catches Fowley and Mulder holding hands. She stumbles back to her car, sitting and thinking over...something that can't be said. You respond by:
A) Suggesting Scully drive off to a bar that serves Scullyritas
B) Suggesting Scully plow her car into Spender's as he drives by her rearview mirror
C) Suggesting Dana go back into that room, slap Diane with a trout and give Fox a huge wet sloppy kiss that'll prove once and for all she is his One-In-Five-Billion
10) Scully informs Skinner and most of Spender's task force about what she has found about the boy Gibson: his mind has accessed something called the God Module, indicating a highly evolved thought process that could ascertain both parapsychological as well as spiritual understanding of Everything. Spender scoffs at the idea that the kid could be the key to unlocking the X-Files. Fowley warns Mulder that taking the wrong approach of giving the assassin immunity in exchange for proof could shut down the X-Files. As she says she has an interest in the files as well, Scully shoots Mulder a worried glance. You note:
A) That Fowley, having scoffed at Scully's assertion that the child can quantify spiritual understanding, will most certainly get nailed by God's Mighty Anvil for her blasphemy
B) That the Attorney General's not about to listen to any request from Mulder after that terrible SNL skit last week
C) That Diane is staring at Fox the wrong way...and that Skinner is staring at Dana the wrong way...and that the guy standing in the far corner is staring at Spender the wrong way...NOOoooooooooo
11) Mulder confronts the assassin again, needing more proof before Janet Reno can offer a deal. The killer says the boy is "the missing link." Mulder leaps from Point A to Point D by realizing the child is proof of alien genetic manipulation since the Dawn Of Man. As Spender scoffs at the concept of alien astronauts, you wish for:
A) Scully to make a cameo appearance on Ally McBeal so she can slap Georgia with a trout...hey, where did THAT come from?...
B) God to drop a black monolith on top of the blasphemer Spender
C) Dana and Fox to quit the FBI so they can become spokespersons for the Ab Roller...no, wait a sec, let me think of something 'shippier than that...
12) Scully quizzes Gibson some more about his talents. He notes about how other people say one thing but think another, worried about how others would think in turn. He sees that Scully doesn't worry about what other people think...except Scully is worried about what Diane Fowley is thinking. You note:
A) That Gibson trusts the Enigmatic One when she promises to protect the boy...damn right!
B) That there IS a conspiracy! They're promoting FOX Network's cartoons! Shameless plugging before our very eyes! Dammit!
C) That Dana is actually going over to the next room in the hotel where she'll call Fox and leave dirty messages on his answering machine
13) The endgame is played. The assassin is killed holding a Morleys wrapper. Diane Fowley is shot and the boy is kidnapped. Mulder overreacts by confronting Spender, little realizing it's his coffin being prepared and not Spender's. You consider:
A) That Fowley got exactly what she deserved for questioning the Enigmatic One's spiritual insights
B) That Fowley should have stayed away from the window instead of sitting there with a bullseye on her chest
C) That, well, you didn't want anyone to get hurt or anything...but YAY, now Fox and Dana have no one to distract them! (grateful sigh of relief)
14) Scully is sitting with Mulder in his apartment, talking with Skinner about the upcoming inquiry by the Justice Department, that they could face re-assignment and certain closure of the X-Files department. You:
A) Warn Scully not to drink the orange juice in Mulder's fridge
B) Know that Janet Reno is really shutting down the X-Files to get revenge for that SNL skit
C) Wonder if there's enough room on that futon for Dana and Fox to do it
15) CancerMan takes Samantha's file before he sets fire to the basement. He confronts Spender with the fact he is Spender's father. As Mulder and Scully races to the Hoover building to find everything they have worked for burnt to ash, as they confront the possibility that this is the end of the X-Files, and as Scully tries to comfort Mulder (and herself) with a hug, you conclude:
A) That maybe it's a good thing Scully hadn't put up her nameplate on the door after all
B) That Spender should have pulled out his light saber and whacked CancerMan's hand off...nah, that would have made that jerk a Jedi...
C) That Fox isn't hugging Dana back! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who's convinced this fire will lead to Scully getting her own desk when they re-build the set (let this be the last desk joke I ever make!)
B) Then you are an X-Phile who tried watching the show and listening to the Doors' song "The End" to see if they synchronize each other like the way "Wizard of Oz" and "Dark Side of the Moon" did
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who'll have to be content with that blink-and-you'll-miss-it clip from the movie of Dana and Fox gazing deeply into each other's eyes like they're about to kiss...deeeeeeeeeeep sigh
--
Okay, who's ready for TONIGHT! The X-Files IS BACK, baby!
Oh, relax. It's only the The End to Season Five! They had the movie after this.
Wait, did I just SPOILER this survey?! Uh-oh... (runs)
Senseless 'Shipper Survey - The End
(This is the end...beautiful friend...this is the end...my only friend...the end...GOD, I have waited sooooo long to quote Jim Morrison with this show!!!...)
1) As the episode opens in Vancouver (for some reason looking a lot like L.A.) with a packed arena watching a chess match between a Russian master and an American child prodigy, you realize:
A) That Scully could beat the Punk at a good game of chess
B) That Vancouver's teams must suck royally if the local sports fans are driven to turn out for chess
C) That Dana and Fox could play a wicked game of strip chess if they wanted to...
2) Skinner is waiting in the basement to quiz Mulder about the future of the X-Files and the fact that Agent "Stiff Neck" Spender is leading the investigation into an assassination attempt at the chess match. You:
A) Task Skinner for not letting Scully put that nameplate she got at the NY Expo up on the door
B) Wonder who put that Post-It note saying "You Are Here" over the UFO in the poster
C) Worry that Skinner is looking at Fox the wrong way ("Not that there's anything wrong with it!")
3) Mulder interrupts Spender's presentation by showing up and inside of three seconds solving the case: the shooter was aiming for the kid, who seems to be aware of someone aiming for him. You respond by:
A) Suggesting Scully hand Mulder a trout so he can slap Spender with it
B) Changing the title you've scribbled on the VCR tape from "The End" to "Shooting At Bobby Fisher"
C) Hoping Fox would stop staring at that brunette sitting in the corner...hel-lo, Fox, please stare at the redhead!...
4) Mulder and Scully drive off to interview the child prodigy, but this time they have a backseat driver: Diane Fowley, the brunette who looks a lot like that woman from the movie "Rapture". You:
A) Stop your loathing of blondes like Marita and Det. White and start your loathing of brunettes like Bambi and Diane
B) Wonder if Tea Leoni is cowering in the backseat whispering "You just keep your eyes on the road, mister!!!"
C) Suggest that next time Fowley drives the car so Dana and Fox can sit in the back (vwg)
5) The trio of agents confront the child, who's busy watching cartoons. When Mulder pesters Gibson with questions, the kid says "You've got a dirty mind," reveals Fox is thinking of one of the women and also notes one of the women is thinking of him. You shout out:
A) "Scully, stop thinking about cookie dough ice cream and focus on your assignment!"
B) "Hey, if Mulder's got a dirty mind, why isn't he thinking about BOTH women???"
C) "Dana, you'd better NOT be thinking about cookie dough ice cream!!"
6) While Mulder confronts Spender about getting information from the assassin, Scully and Fowley team up to examine the boy using science and parapsychology. As Gibson accurately reads off the picture cards and the breakfasts the examining crew had, you:
A) Note the fine maternal qualities the Enigmatic One used in handling Gibson during the medical examination
B) Consider what the kid meant when he noted Scully was wondering about Fowley and that Fowley was wondering about her...Hey, now I'VE got a dirty mind!!!...(vwg)
C) Worry that Fox said, "Diane, you know what to do" as though he and Diane once...once...oh NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo
7) Scully goes to the Lone Gunmen to verify some evidence and to also find out about Diane Fowley. You:
A) Task the Red-Headed One for getting all flustered over a Punk
B) Admire Frohike's fashion sense
C) Wail and knash your teeth, knowing the horrible realization that...that...NOOooooooo
8) Fowley and Mulder talk about his work on the X-Files, on whether or not he would have been better off teamed with someone open to the extreme possibilities, someone like her. Then they hold hands. You:
A) Grumble, because the Punk didn't praise Scully highly enough
B) Scowl, because all the kid seems to do is watch cartoons from the FOX Network
C) Curl up into a fetal position, because Fox is holding hands with the wrong one...NOOOoooooooooo (Note: this was before I found out there were NoRomos in the world, damn them)
9) Scully catches Fowley and Mulder holding hands. She stumbles back to her car, sitting and thinking over...something that can't be said. You respond by:
A) Suggesting Scully drive off to a bar that serves Scullyritas
B) Suggesting Scully plow her car into Spender's as he drives by her rearview mirror
C) Suggesting Dana go back into that room, slap Diane with a trout and give Fox a huge wet sloppy kiss that'll prove once and for all she is his One-In-Five-Billion
10) Scully informs Skinner and most of Spender's task force about what she has found about the boy Gibson: his mind has accessed something called the God Module, indicating a highly evolved thought process that could ascertain both parapsychological as well as spiritual understanding of Everything. Spender scoffs at the idea that the kid could be the key to unlocking the X-Files. Fowley warns Mulder that taking the wrong approach of giving the assassin immunity in exchange for proof could shut down the X-Files. As she says she has an interest in the files as well, Scully shoots Mulder a worried glance. You note:
A) That Fowley, having scoffed at Scully's assertion that the child can quantify spiritual understanding, will most certainly get nailed by God's Mighty Anvil for her blasphemy
B) That the Attorney General's not about to listen to any request from Mulder after that terrible SNL skit last week
C) That Diane is staring at Fox the wrong way...and that Skinner is staring at Dana the wrong way...and that the guy standing in the far corner is staring at Spender the wrong way...NOOoooooooooo
11) Mulder confronts the assassin again, needing more proof before Janet Reno can offer a deal. The killer says the boy is "the missing link." Mulder leaps from Point A to Point D by realizing the child is proof of alien genetic manipulation since the Dawn Of Man. As Spender scoffs at the concept of alien astronauts, you wish for:
A) Scully to make a cameo appearance on Ally McBeal so she can slap Georgia with a trout...hey, where did THAT come from?...
B) God to drop a black monolith on top of the blasphemer Spender
C) Dana and Fox to quit the FBI so they can become spokespersons for the Ab Roller...no, wait a sec, let me think of something 'shippier than that...
12) Scully quizzes Gibson some more about his talents. He notes about how other people say one thing but think another, worried about how others would think in turn. He sees that Scully doesn't worry about what other people think...except Scully is worried about what Diane Fowley is thinking. You note:
A) That Gibson trusts the Enigmatic One when she promises to protect the boy...damn right!
B) That there IS a conspiracy! They're promoting FOX Network's cartoons! Shameless plugging before our very eyes! Dammit!
C) That Dana is actually going over to the next room in the hotel where she'll call Fox and leave dirty messages on his answering machine
13) The endgame is played. The assassin is killed holding a Morleys wrapper. Diane Fowley is shot and the boy is kidnapped. Mulder overreacts by confronting Spender, little realizing it's his coffin being prepared and not Spender's. You consider:
A) That Fowley got exactly what she deserved for questioning the Enigmatic One's spiritual insights
B) That Fowley should have stayed away from the window instead of sitting there with a bullseye on her chest
C) That, well, you didn't want anyone to get hurt or anything...but YAY, now Fox and Dana have no one to distract them! (grateful sigh of relief)
14) Scully is sitting with Mulder in his apartment, talking with Skinner about the upcoming inquiry by the Justice Department, that they could face re-assignment and certain closure of the X-Files department. You:
A) Warn Scully not to drink the orange juice in Mulder's fridge
B) Know that Janet Reno is really shutting down the X-Files to get revenge for that SNL skit
C) Wonder if there's enough room on that futon for Dana and Fox to do it
15) CancerMan takes Samantha's file before he sets fire to the basement. He confronts Spender with the fact he is Spender's father. As Mulder and Scully races to the Hoover building to find everything they have worked for burnt to ash, as they confront the possibility that this is the end of the X-Files, and as Scully tries to comfort Mulder (and herself) with a hug, you conclude:
A) That maybe it's a good thing Scully hadn't put up her nameplate on the door after all
B) That Spender should have pulled out his light saber and whacked CancerMan's hand off...nah, that would have made that jerk a Jedi...
C) That Fox isn't hugging Dana back! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who's convinced this fire will lead to Scully getting her own desk when they re-build the set (let this be the last desk joke I ever make!)
B) Then you are an X-Phile who tried watching the show and listening to the Doors' song "The End" to see if they synchronize each other like the way "Wizard of Oz" and "Dark Side of the Moon" did
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who'll have to be content with that blink-and-you'll-miss-it clip from the movie of Dana and Fox gazing deeply into each other's eyes like they're about to kiss...deeeeeeeeeeep sigh
--
Okay, who's ready for TONIGHT! The X-Files IS BACK, baby!
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
X-Files: Mind's Eye 'Shipper Survey
To be fair this isn't a very 'Shippy episode because Scully isn't in it that much (story was she was busy re-filming scenes for a movie), but it's been awhile since I posted a survey and with NaNoWriMo coming up I have NO TIME to write any fresh surveys so I'm pulling from Season Five reviews... Sorry. NOW GO WRITE 50,000 WORDS FOR YOUR NOVEL! Ack, I'm a Municipal Liaison this year so I gotta motivate writers.
Anywho, survey time. All answers should be in the form of a question, such as "Do you, Agent Dana take Agent Fox to be your one and only Moose...?"
Senseless 'Shipper Survey - Mind's Eye
1) As the episode begins we see a young woman living a grungy life in Delaware. Suddenly, she gets psychic flashes of someone dying. This leads up to police officers entering a trashed hotel finding a dead body and a cowering figure in the shower stall. They pull back the curtain to reveal the young woman is Lili Taylor, Cult Movie Goddess from such art films as "Dogfight" and "The Addiction". You note:
A) That, given her psychic abilities and spiritual coolness, she would qualify for her own religion...sigh...
B) That you've got a major crush for brunettes...sigh...
C) That there's no sign of Dana or Fox, and that no one has held hands yet...sigh...
2) We get a slide show presentation of the murder scene, the victim, and the suspect. But there are two catches: one is that the suspect is blind, the other is that Scully is doing the slide show presentation. This leads you to conclude:
A) That Scully is expert enough to handle audiovisual equipment, meaning she should get her own desk
B) That Lili looks really cute with those straight-ahead photo shots but ought to work on her over-the-shoulder look
C) That Dana and Fox should kick the detective out of the office and use the light projector to perform some erotic hand puppet show
3) Mulder and Scully get to interview the blind woman, whose name is Marty. You note:
A) That Scully most likely drove the car here
B) Lili's named after Mulder's alter ego? That is so...arousing...
C) That Fox is looking at Marty the wrong way...NOooooo...the RIFT!...
4) Lili Taylor acts like a real smart-ass during the first interrogation, but does it in a real cool, hip way, leading Mulder to say this about her "perfecting her poor blind girl stand-up routine." You note:
A) That Gillian's got the deadpan delivery for stand-up routines, given the number of off-the-wall SREs (Standard Rational Explanations to you noobs) she's had to memorize over the years
B) That Mulder's got Lili Taylor confused with Janeane Garofalo, yet another caustic-yet-cool brunette who's great at stand-up routines...hmm, Lili AND Janeane...deep sigh...
C) That Dana and Fox haven't held hands yet this episode, and we're already closing in on the second commercial break...something's wrong here...
5) While examining Marty's blindness with visual-stimuli testing, her "vision" causes a bizarre reaction, leading Scully to ponder a Rational Explanation that sounded so irrational you can't even remember it. This leaves you to ponder:
A) That the poor Saint has been distracted by her quest for a desk, forcing her to miss out reading up all those technical journals she needs in coming up with all these SREs.
B) That while Mulder and Scully are bickering about whether a blind girl can see, poor Lili's watching another victim get sliced and diced
C) That Dana and Fox have finally gotten around to flirting this episode...Thank God!...
6) Having been freed for lack of evidence, Marty is checking out her personal belongings and making sure her money's the way she left it. When the cop on duty snidely notes that he replaced all her tens with twentys because of her sweet disposition, you reply:
A) "Yeah, right. Hit him with a trout, Lili!"
B) "Sweet disposition? Lili?!? She's as brutal as they come, but hey that's what we love about her! Fugeddaboutit!..."
C) "Sigh...if only Fox would complement Dana about HER sweet disposition...sigh..."
7) Marty witnesses another murder, and this time confesses, but she uses the confession to interfere with the true killer's plan to sell drugs. Mulder pouts while Scully is off hand-delivering physical evidence for the crime labs. Lili Taylor puts her character through every conceivable emotion between her confession and her first confrontation (and "self-recognition") with the real killer. You take this all in by:
A) Guessing which movie it is that GA had to re-shoot when this episode was being filmed
B) Trying to find a Lili Taylor web site so you can make sure her fans know she kicked ass in this episode
C) Crying because Dana isn't there to console Fox
8) Mulder has figured out the connection between Marty and the killer. The killer is the same one who killed Marty's mother, who killed all the others and who left his blood on a glove Scully found at the first crime scene (please refrain from making OJ jokes until the survey is completed). Mulder knows the killer is Marty's father. As she and the audience reels from that knowledge, you respond by:
A) Noting it was Scully who found the bloody glove, it was her that works her butt off solving these cases, and she does it all for you, Mulder! You you you!
B) Humming the theme to "Empire Strikes Back" and noting that Mulder (and in a lesser extent Scully) has a problem with father figures too
C) Waiting for Dana to show up to console Fox, only because it would be nice to see that...deep sigh...
9) We see what Marty sees through the killer's eyes as he comes to kill her, and we see how she handles her final confrontation with her father: she stands up, points a gun towards the killer/herself/the audience, whispers "I hate the way you look at me," and pulls the trigger. Your primary thought is:
A) "She needs to work on her aim...Scully would've taught her how to aim for the shoulder..."
B) "No! Lili! Don't hate us for looking at you like that! Nooooooooooooo..."
C) "Thankfully, Dana doesn't hate the way Fox looks at her...deep sigh..."
10) Marty ends up in jail, guilty of the crime of killing the true Monster Of The Week. Mulder arrives to see how she's doing, and she notes of how she saw the ocean through her father's eyes and that now it is the only vision she can remember. Mulder cracks a joke at the expense of the Ice Capades and holds her hands along the jail bars. Your final thought is:
A) "Dammit! I know Gillian's off filming additional movie scenes, but that means there's no Enigmatic One around to keep the Punk in line!"
B) "The only way Lili Taylor doesn't get the Emmy for Best Guest Actress is if Posey Parker or whatever her name is makes a cameo on NYPD Blue..."
C) "Noooooo, Fox, you should be holding hands with Dana right now...in her apartment...with a bottle of red wine chilling nearby...talking about bad prom nights..."
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are a member of the OBSSE who's mailing a membership application to Lili Taylor so she can sign up and hang out with other cool, smart people
B) Then you are a lot like me, a X-Philer who'll always look at GA but still think of Lili...deep sigh...
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's worried Fox held Marty's hands this episode and not Dana's...NOOOOOOOoooooooo...
Anywho, survey time. All answers should be in the form of a question, such as "Do you, Agent Dana take Agent Fox to be your one and only Moose...?"
Senseless 'Shipper Survey - Mind's Eye
1) As the episode begins we see a young woman living a grungy life in Delaware. Suddenly, she gets psychic flashes of someone dying. This leads up to police officers entering a trashed hotel finding a dead body and a cowering figure in the shower stall. They pull back the curtain to reveal the young woman is Lili Taylor, Cult Movie Goddess from such art films as "Dogfight" and "The Addiction". You note:
A) That, given her psychic abilities and spiritual coolness, she would qualify for her own religion...sigh...
B) That you've got a major crush for brunettes...sigh...
C) That there's no sign of Dana or Fox, and that no one has held hands yet...sigh...
 |
| Our Gen-X actresses had CLASS, dammit |
2) We get a slide show presentation of the murder scene, the victim, and the suspect. But there are two catches: one is that the suspect is blind, the other is that Scully is doing the slide show presentation. This leads you to conclude:
A) That Scully is expert enough to handle audiovisual equipment, meaning she should get her own desk
B) That Lili looks really cute with those straight-ahead photo shots but ought to work on her over-the-shoulder look
C) That Dana and Fox should kick the detective out of the office and use the light projector to perform some erotic hand puppet show
3) Mulder and Scully get to interview the blind woman, whose name is Marty. You note:
A) That Scully most likely drove the car here
B) Lili's named after Mulder's alter ego? That is so...arousing...
C) That Fox is looking at Marty the wrong way...NOooooo...the RIFT!...
4) Lili Taylor acts like a real smart-ass during the first interrogation, but does it in a real cool, hip way, leading Mulder to say this about her "perfecting her poor blind girl stand-up routine." You note:
A) That Gillian's got the deadpan delivery for stand-up routines, given the number of off-the-wall SREs (Standard Rational Explanations to you noobs) she's had to memorize over the years
B) That Mulder's got Lili Taylor confused with Janeane Garofalo, yet another caustic-yet-cool brunette who's great at stand-up routines...hmm, Lili AND Janeane...deep sigh...
C) That Dana and Fox haven't held hands yet this episode, and we're already closing in on the second commercial break...something's wrong here...
5) While examining Marty's blindness with visual-stimuli testing, her "vision" causes a bizarre reaction, leading Scully to ponder a Rational Explanation that sounded so irrational you can't even remember it. This leaves you to ponder:
A) That the poor Saint has been distracted by her quest for a desk, forcing her to miss out reading up all those technical journals she needs in coming up with all these SREs.
B) That while Mulder and Scully are bickering about whether a blind girl can see, poor Lili's watching another victim get sliced and diced
C) That Dana and Fox have finally gotten around to flirting this episode...Thank God!...
6) Having been freed for lack of evidence, Marty is checking out her personal belongings and making sure her money's the way she left it. When the cop on duty snidely notes that he replaced all her tens with twentys because of her sweet disposition, you reply:
A) "Yeah, right. Hit him with a trout, Lili!"
B) "Sweet disposition? Lili?!? She's as brutal as they come, but hey that's what we love about her! Fugeddaboutit!..."
C) "Sigh...if only Fox would complement Dana about HER sweet disposition...sigh..."
7) Marty witnesses another murder, and this time confesses, but she uses the confession to interfere with the true killer's plan to sell drugs. Mulder pouts while Scully is off hand-delivering physical evidence for the crime labs. Lili Taylor puts her character through every conceivable emotion between her confession and her first confrontation (and "self-recognition") with the real killer. You take this all in by:
A) Guessing which movie it is that GA had to re-shoot when this episode was being filmed
B) Trying to find a Lili Taylor web site so you can make sure her fans know she kicked ass in this episode
C) Crying because Dana isn't there to console Fox
8) Mulder has figured out the connection between Marty and the killer. The killer is the same one who killed Marty's mother, who killed all the others and who left his blood on a glove Scully found at the first crime scene (please refrain from making OJ jokes until the survey is completed). Mulder knows the killer is Marty's father. As she and the audience reels from that knowledge, you respond by:
A) Noting it was Scully who found the bloody glove, it was her that works her butt off solving these cases, and she does it all for you, Mulder! You you you!
B) Humming the theme to "Empire Strikes Back" and noting that Mulder (and in a lesser extent Scully) has a problem with father figures too
C) Waiting for Dana to show up to console Fox, only because it would be nice to see that...deep sigh...
9) We see what Marty sees through the killer's eyes as he comes to kill her, and we see how she handles her final confrontation with her father: she stands up, points a gun towards the killer/herself/the audience, whispers "I hate the way you look at me," and pulls the trigger. Your primary thought is:
A) "She needs to work on her aim...Scully would've taught her how to aim for the shoulder..."
B) "No! Lili! Don't hate us for looking at you like that! Nooooooooooooo..."
C) "Thankfully, Dana doesn't hate the way Fox looks at her...deep sigh..."
10) Marty ends up in jail, guilty of the crime of killing the true Monster Of The Week. Mulder arrives to see how she's doing, and she notes of how she saw the ocean through her father's eyes and that now it is the only vision she can remember. Mulder cracks a joke at the expense of the Ice Capades and holds her hands along the jail bars. Your final thought is:
A) "Dammit! I know Gillian's off filming additional movie scenes, but that means there's no Enigmatic One around to keep the Punk in line!"
B) "The only way Lili Taylor doesn't get the Emmy for Best Guest Actress is if Posey Parker or whatever her name is makes a cameo on NYPD Blue..."
C) "Noooooo, Fox, you should be holding hands with Dana right now...in her apartment...with a bottle of red wine chilling nearby...talking about bad prom nights..."
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are a member of the OBSSE who's mailing a membership application to Lili Taylor so she can sign up and hang out with other cool, smart people
B) Then you are a lot like me, a X-Philer who'll always look at GA but still think of Lili...deep sigh...
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's worried Fox held Marty's hands this episode and not Dana's...NOOOOOOOoooooooo...
Sunday, June 28, 2015
X-Files: Kill Switch 'Shipper Survey
I have no idea why I'm going with this episode for a posting at the moment.
Well, actually I do:
1) Not enough time today to write a brand-new 'Shipper survey, so I'm pasting in a recap back from Season Five whence I wrote it;
2) I think the cyberpunk genre maestro William Gibson favorited a Tweet I posted last night, so I'm kinda in a fanboy OMG mood, and Gibson is the one who wrote this episode.
So, traveling back through time to the heady days of 1998, when computers were on Windows 98, RAM was measured in MB, tablets were how we figured out our pill dosages, Apple was coming out with these colorful little all-in-one machines called iMacs, and we were all still waiting for the hoverboards Back to the Future movies promised us for 2015... sigh...
Additional notes: this is still early in my career as a 'Shipper Survey writer, so the questions - and the jokes - don't go into as much detail as the later ones. Also, I go with calling Mulder and Scully by their last names in the C) 'Shipping answers, I won't switch to first-names Fox and Dana until later. Silly me. Anyway, here we go!
Senseless Shipper Survey- Kill Switch
1) As the episode begins in a darkened cafe, your first thought was:
A) Does Scully drink decaf?
B) Odd, absolutely none of the businesses shown on the X-Files seem to pay their electric bills
C) This would be a great place for Moose and Squirrel to meet for a late-night coffee chat
2) Scully winces in the driver's seat as Mulder pulls out smuggled evidence. He finds a CD and plops it into the Ford Taurus' disc player. As the music flows and the lights blink, your thought was:
A) A-ha! Scully gets to be in the driver's seat!!!
B) Gee, my Ford Taurus doesn't have a disc player...:(
C) "Twilight Time?" Gee, it's the perfect excuse for Scully and Mulder to crawl into the backseat...;-)
3) The cybergrrl Invisigoth has just told our intrepid heroes about artificial-intelligence superviruses, DOD orbital platforms, and a few other end-of-the-world stuff. Scully pulls the car over so she and Mulder can argue out in the open. Your response is:
A) To congratulate the Enigmatic One for her excellent driving skills, even though it's hard to see her explain away the "orbiting platform" stuff since something DID blow up Invisigoth's berth
B) To wonder why they left a suspect, even one in handcuffs, able to roam about and possibly flee
C) To be satisfied that Mulder and Scully are comfortable enough in their relationship to hold their discussions (which we all know is how they really flirt!) in full view of other people
4) Mulder and Scully bring Invisigoth to the suddenly perky and gleeful Lone Gunmen. Did you:
A) Emulate the Enigmatic One's eye-rolling as "Esther" shamelessly humiliated the obviously overwhelmed Gunguys
B) Wonder if Invisigoth really can type with her tongue
C) Thank Frohike for focusing on someone else "really hot," so that Fox and Dana can fall in love with no interference on his part (note: I think this is where I start doing it, but not consistently...)
5) Scully lets her guard down and Esther uses her gun to take them to a hidden location. During these tense moments, did you:
A) Overlook Scully's mistake of keeping her gun out in the open and pray that she will escape Esther and kick ass
B) Think Esther should have done a better job cloaking her voice over the cel phone by using electronic scramblers
C) Want Scully to say, "Mulder, I'm in a hostage situation, so I might not see you again, so let me tell you that I...I...trust you, Fox..."
6) Esther finds only the smoking ruins left by an orbiting platform. Just as Scully is about to break free, the cybergrrl breaks down and talks about being in a relationship so intense it moved beyond mere flesh. Your response was:
A) "Damn! Just as Scully was about to smoke another blonde, the cyberbitch has to turn out human and sympathetic!"
B) "Hey! The safety was on all the time!"
C) "Okay, Scully's silence during the rhetorical question about relationships merely affirms that she DOES know what it's like to be in an intense shared relationship that moves beyond mere flesh. Thank God!"
7) Mulder has let his guard down, and has been given massive electrical shocks. He awakes in a hospital with busty nurses and serious cutting tools. Your response is:
A) "His doctor is Scully? She should get paid for overtime, man..."
B) "Red right hand, you can have. Just don't ask about your red left hand, though..."
C) "Forget the cutting tools! What's with the nurses? Mulder!..."
8) Two words: Nurse Nancy. Your first thought was:
A) "Scully can kick her blonde ass any day!"
B) "Wasn't that the title of the, ahem, adult film that got PeeWee Herman in hot water with the Sarasota police force?"
C) "This wouldn't happen, Mulder, if you stop purchasing all those porno tapes- which, by the way, the supervirus traced and used in this holographic simulation- and started focusing on a pure, intense relationship that moves beyond mere flesh with a certain redheaded partner of yours..."
9) SWAT!Scully arrives and proves she spent her youth watching Avengers re-runs by kicking ass Emma Peel style. Did you:
A) Cheer at the graceful way she kicked ass while wearing high heels
B) Note that this was all a computer-generated fantasy anyway, and that Scully probably doesn't kick ass in high heels
C) Thank God Mulder's fantasy was moving away from those silly, underdressed nurses and toward a fully functional, intelligent, strong doctor/warrior who just happens to be incredibly beautiful...
10) The real Scully arrives to rescue Mulder, but as they turn to go she sees Invisigoth logging into the VR system to merge/battle with the supervirus. Your final thought was:
A) So Scully may have been wrong about orbiting platforms and artificial intelligence. At least she can shoot straight in this reality and kick ass in virtual reality!...
B) "Bite me"?!?! Shouldn't Esther, uh Invisigoth, have used the cornier "Byte me" as a better send-off?!?!
C) Does true love, even love that moves beyond mere flesh, prevail? It better!!!...
If you more often than not answered:
A) then you are an OBSSEr who's happy Scully got to do all the driving this episode
B) then you're a marginal computer user, someone who knows how to operate a mouse and play "Tomb Raider II," but completely in the dark when it comes to T3s, encryptions, and superviruses
C) then you are a 'Shipper who was worried for a while about Mulder's "obsession" with porn but thinks his virtual nightmare will, uh, amputate his need for adult video and force him to interact on a human level, hopefully by taking Scully for some coffee to that diner...;-) ;-) ;-)
Well, actually I do:
1) Not enough time today to write a brand-new 'Shipper survey, so I'm pasting in a recap back from Season Five whence I wrote it;
2) I think the cyberpunk genre maestro William Gibson favorited a Tweet I posted last night, so I'm kinda in a fanboy OMG mood, and Gibson is the one who wrote this episode.
So, traveling back through time to the heady days of 1998, when computers were on Windows 98, RAM was measured in MB, tablets were how we figured out our pill dosages, Apple was coming out with these colorful little all-in-one machines called iMacs, and we were all still waiting for the hoverboards Back to the Future movies promised us for 2015... sigh...
Additional notes: this is still early in my career as a 'Shipper Survey writer, so the questions - and the jokes - don't go into as much detail as the later ones. Also, I go with calling Mulder and Scully by their last names in the C) 'Shipping answers, I won't switch to first-names Fox and Dana until later. Silly me. Anyway, here we go!
Senseless Shipper Survey- Kill Switch
1) As the episode begins in a darkened cafe, your first thought was:
A) Does Scully drink decaf?
B) Odd, absolutely none of the businesses shown on the X-Files seem to pay their electric bills
C) This would be a great place for Moose and Squirrel to meet for a late-night coffee chat
2) Scully winces in the driver's seat as Mulder pulls out smuggled evidence. He finds a CD and plops it into the Ford Taurus' disc player. As the music flows and the lights blink, your thought was:
A) A-ha! Scully gets to be in the driver's seat!!!
B) Gee, my Ford Taurus doesn't have a disc player...:(
C) "Twilight Time?" Gee, it's the perfect excuse for Scully and Mulder to crawl into the backseat...;-)
3) The cybergrrl Invisigoth has just told our intrepid heroes about artificial-intelligence superviruses, DOD orbital platforms, and a few other end-of-the-world stuff. Scully pulls the car over so she and Mulder can argue out in the open. Your response is:
A) To congratulate the Enigmatic One for her excellent driving skills, even though it's hard to see her explain away the "orbiting platform" stuff since something DID blow up Invisigoth's berth
B) To wonder why they left a suspect, even one in handcuffs, able to roam about and possibly flee
C) To be satisfied that Mulder and Scully are comfortable enough in their relationship to hold their discussions (which we all know is how they really flirt!) in full view of other people
4) Mulder and Scully bring Invisigoth to the suddenly perky and gleeful Lone Gunmen. Did you:
A) Emulate the Enigmatic One's eye-rolling as "Esther" shamelessly humiliated the obviously overwhelmed Gunguys
B) Wonder if Invisigoth really can type with her tongue
C) Thank Frohike for focusing on someone else "really hot," so that Fox and Dana can fall in love with no interference on his part (note: I think this is where I start doing it, but not consistently...)
5) Scully lets her guard down and Esther uses her gun to take them to a hidden location. During these tense moments, did you:
A) Overlook Scully's mistake of keeping her gun out in the open and pray that she will escape Esther and kick ass
B) Think Esther should have done a better job cloaking her voice over the cel phone by using electronic scramblers
C) Want Scully to say, "Mulder, I'm in a hostage situation, so I might not see you again, so let me tell you that I...I...trust you, Fox..."
6) Esther finds only the smoking ruins left by an orbiting platform. Just as Scully is about to break free, the cybergrrl breaks down and talks about being in a relationship so intense it moved beyond mere flesh. Your response was:
A) "Damn! Just as Scully was about to smoke another blonde, the cyberbitch has to turn out human and sympathetic!"
B) "Hey! The safety was on all the time!"
C) "Okay, Scully's silence during the rhetorical question about relationships merely affirms that she DOES know what it's like to be in an intense shared relationship that moves beyond mere flesh. Thank God!"
7) Mulder has let his guard down, and has been given massive electrical shocks. He awakes in a hospital with busty nurses and serious cutting tools. Your response is:
A) "His doctor is Scully? She should get paid for overtime, man..."
B) "Red right hand, you can have. Just don't ask about your red left hand, though..."
C) "Forget the cutting tools! What's with the nurses? Mulder!..."
8) Two words: Nurse Nancy. Your first thought was:
A) "Scully can kick her blonde ass any day!"
B) "Wasn't that the title of the, ahem, adult film that got PeeWee Herman in hot water with the Sarasota police force?"
C) "This wouldn't happen, Mulder, if you stop purchasing all those porno tapes- which, by the way, the supervirus traced and used in this holographic simulation- and started focusing on a pure, intense relationship that moves beyond mere flesh with a certain redheaded partner of yours..."
9) SWAT!Scully arrives and proves she spent her youth watching Avengers re-runs by kicking ass Emma Peel style. Did you:
A) Cheer at the graceful way she kicked ass while wearing high heels
B) Note that this was all a computer-generated fantasy anyway, and that Scully probably doesn't kick ass in high heels
C) Thank God Mulder's fantasy was moving away from those silly, underdressed nurses and toward a fully functional, intelligent, strong doctor/warrior who just happens to be incredibly beautiful...
10) The real Scully arrives to rescue Mulder, but as they turn to go she sees Invisigoth logging into the VR system to merge/battle with the supervirus. Your final thought was:
A) So Scully may have been wrong about orbiting platforms and artificial intelligence. At least she can shoot straight in this reality and kick ass in virtual reality!...
B) "Bite me"?!?! Shouldn't Esther, uh Invisigoth, have used the cornier "Byte me" as a better send-off?!?!
C) Does true love, even love that moves beyond mere flesh, prevail? It better!!!...
If you more often than not answered:
A) then you are an OBSSEr who's happy Scully got to do all the driving this episode
B) then you're a marginal computer user, someone who knows how to operate a mouse and play "Tomb Raider II," but completely in the dark when it comes to T3s, encryptions, and superviruses
C) then you are a 'Shipper who was worried for a while about Mulder's "obsession" with porn but thinks his virtual nightmare will, uh, amputate his need for adult video and force him to interact on a human level, hopefully by taking Scully for some coffee to that diner...;-) ;-) ;-)
Sunday, June 7, 2015
The X-Files: Unusual Suspects 'Shipper Survey
Filming apparently is beginning RIGHT ABOUT NOW for the revival episodes, so to tide things over I'm getting some of the classic 'Shipper surveys I'd posted decades ago (yeah, I'm dating myself here) on the alt.tv.x-files newsgroup.
Today, for kicks, I'm going with an episode that's got no Scully (NOOOOOOOO) and only two minutes of Mulder, thirty-seven seconds of which has Mulder running around naked (knew that would get your attention).
Just so the Gillian Anderson fans out there are appeased, here's a recent selfie of her:
Now, ONTO THE 'SHIPPER SURVEY
UNUSUAL SUSPECTS (Byers Version)
SOME SPOILERS!
Usually, 'Shipper sentiments tend toward Dana and Fox, but since we're Dana-less and Byers is so puppy-faced this episode, this is dedicated to the Lone Gunman with the professional fashion sense...
1) When the episode opens with the Lone Gunmen hiding and Mulder lying about on the floor completely naked, your thought was:
A) "You know, Scully would've solved this case by now..."
B) "Damn, those Lone Gunmen parties can get really wacky!"
C) "Where's Dana? Fox needs her support and hand-holding!" (Sorry, out of habit, trust me the rest will be about Byers...)
2) Byers tells us - actually he tells Det. John Munch, Patron Saint/Lead Detective of the Westphall Universe - his full name is John Fitzgerald, born the day JFK was assassinated, right after asking for some mystery grrl. You note:
A) "Hmm, he can't be asking about Scully. The Enigmatic One can take care of herself."
B) "Dammit, Byers, you're in the show `Homicide'! You're on the wrong network!!!"
C) "Aw, Byers cared about someone else. She must be really special...(sigh)..."
3) Happy, naive Byers works at the FCC booth of a hackers' convention, trying desperately to sell a happy positive image to those he views as professional equals. Sadly, he gets the derision and scorn of those who call him "narc" and shun his efforts. Then, he turns and stares as SHE walks into the room. You think:
A) "Damn! Another blonde!"
B) "Damn! The guy in the background is getting a higher score on Dig Dug than I ever got!"
C) "Damn! Byers, you've got to do a better job of flirting than that!"
4) The mystery grrl passes the booths of Mel Frohike and Langly, who both vie for her attention. You note:
A) "Geez, these guys flirt with every warped blonde that comes their way!"
B) "Uh, sure, getting cable from Frohike or Langly. Wait until Direct TV, okay?"
C) "Please, don't flirt with those guys! Sure, they're destined to be Hackers Supreme, but Byers is the one who's sincerely interested with your quest for the Truth!"
5) Byers gets to talk to the mystery grrl, who calls herself Holly and who's looking to save her daughter Susanne from a psychotic ex-boyfriend. You realize:
A) That the Enigmatic One knows her share of psychotic ex-boyfriends as well as one punkish partner.
B) She doesn't look a bit like Holly from the later seasons of "Red Dwarf"...well, okay, maybe their haircuts do look a tad similar...
C) That Byers really knows how to flirt, so that means us other geeks might have a chance after all...:-)
6) "Holly" sneaks in on Frohike and closes the curtains as he predictably drools like Pavlov's dog. You note:
A) That the Blessed One would have slapped him down a bit before offering a kleenex to him
B) That you could have whupped Byers' colleague's butt at Dig Dug after all
C) That Byers needs to be more discreet in finding a better place to bring his dates
7) "Holly" goes ballistic when a certain Agent Mulder shows up. She claims HE is her ex-boyfriend and father of her child. Your response is:
A) To insist that Scully shoot him in the other shoulder when she finds out about the cheatin' bastid!!!
B) That ring from "Travelers" is starting to make some twisted sense...
C) Frohike's right, Byers: go kick his ass!
8) Poor Byers. First his new girlfriend runs off, then he finds out Mulder is an FBI agent hunting for her, then he sees his Dig Dug colleague get dragged off by Army soldiers for some hacking Byers did, and when Byers tries to do the honorable thing by offering to turn himself in, Frohike pulls off his FCC badge and whispers, "Welcome to the Dark Side." Your main thought is:
A) "Gee, Frohike tells that to Scully almost every other week, right?"
B) "Byers, no! If you turn to the Dark Side, choose the quick and easy way, forever down that path you will go..."
C) "(sigh) The things we do for love..."
9) To continue the hacking quest, Frohike and Byers must turn to another Master: Langly, AKA Lord Man-Hammer. When Frohike grudgingly admits "Your Kung-Fu is the best," and as the triumphant music swells, you realize:
A) Scully would make for a great elf-wizard...
B) Sword of Wounding? Give me break, you're better off with a +5 Shield of Forever, which protects you from magic spells, dragon breath, demi-lich drainage, and...and...oh, uh, okay I know a little D & D, JUST A LITTLE!...
C) That at least Byers is out getting a social life while these sad fools waste their hours in the darkness playing games, getting on the Internet, posting ridiculously silly posts like senseless sur...uh, oh dear, never mind...:-/
10) Langly succeeds in hacking into the FBI mainframe. They find that Mulder has commendations up the wazoo, single with no sign of being a parent, and chasing after "Holly," who turns out to be Susanne Modeski, wanted for murder, destruction of property, and willfully being a blonde. You note:
A) Scully has commendations up the wazoo, too. But does that get her a desk?!?! Noooooo...
B) Hey! If Mulder's single, where the bleep does he get off wearing a wedding ring?!?!?
C) Poor Byers. He finally meets a woman and it turns out she's the victim of a massive government conspiracy that's framing her for high crimes...
11) Susanne arrives, scaring the timid hackers with talk of conspiracies, Gideon's Bibles, and JFK ("Dallas? 1963? Hell-oooooo..."). She gets them to hack further into the Arpanet, finding out there IS a conspiracy to perform some controlled public experiment and that her dentist might be involved. When they find out she's pulling out her teeth to get at whatever they planted on her, you realize:
A) That if she removes that implant she'll get cancer!...
B) That she'd be better off getting at it with a Sword of Wounding instead of those rusty pliers...
C) That she needs someone's help and support, and that Byers should hug her...
12) They head for a nearby warehouse, where they find a box of inhalers filled with a fear-inducing chemical. Mulder arrives to arrest them, but other government agents arrive as well, starting a shoot-out. As the mayhem ensues, you note:
A) That Scully would've nailed those MIBs with one shot, without damaging the toxic containers...(okay, she may have let a stray shot hit the blonde, but maybe not, you never know...)
B) That Mulder keeps standing where he's gonna get covered in toxic chemicals that'll warp his mind...sheesh, no wonder he's spooky...
C) That Byers and Susanne should use this opportunity to sneak off to Las Vegas and get married by an Elvis priest...;-)
13) Susanne shoots the bad guys and escapes while Mulder crawls off to hallucinate. Then trucks arrive, doors open, and Mr.X enters to clean up the mess. Your main thought is:
A) "No one touches" Mulder? Sheesh, who would WANT to touch the Punk?!
B) Gee, do you think this whole situation was contrived by CancerMan to send Mulder on a quest into the investigation of the unknown, and to provide him with allies like these hackers, even granting X the ability to state "I heard it was a Lone Gunman" knowing full well that would lead to the formation of the Lone Gunmen?! Nah...
C) Poor Byers. He keeps finding his girl, then losing her, then finding her, then losing her...poor guy...
14) Daylight comes, and with a touch of sanity. Mulder frees the Lone Gunmen from jail, allowing them a chance to find Susanne leaving a newspaper office in tears. No one believes her story, except for Byers and the LG. Grateful, she kisses Byers and walks away. You note:
A) That the Enigmatic One would have suggested going to the Washington Post. I mean, those suckers would print anything!...;-)
B) That Byers should have answered that ringing phone in the background with the words "Mad Dog Pizza! We deliver!"
C) That, THANK GOD, somebody around here FINALLY KISSED! :) :) :)
15) The story has ended. Poor Byers had seen Susanne captured by X, and Mulder has returned to ask the Lone Gunmen what had happened. As the LG begin their role as conspiracy experts and advisors to the Spooky One, you conclude with this thought:
A) "You know, Scully would be getting into the Academy right now at Quantico...only three more years until she shows up to keep Mulder's ass out of trouble!..."
B) "No, not now! They were going to explain that bit about hotel bibles!..."
C) "No, it can't end like this! Byers WILL find his true love!!! Dana will meet Fox and they WILL fall in love!!! Frohike WILL subscribe to Romana Clef! And Langly WILL prove he IS Lord Man-Hammer, um, well maybe not..."
If you more often than not answered:
A) then you are an OBSSEr waiting for that special Scully-centric episode without the Punk, without the Geeks and WITH Det. Kersage.
B) then you are an X-Phile who's grateful to see an origins episode but who never knew it cost $50 to get a Sword of Wounding.
C) then you are a 'Shipper who's saddened by the fact Byers only got a kiss after all he's been through and that dammit! he and Susanne should have fled for Jamaica on a honeymoon...;-)
Today, for kicks, I'm going with an episode that's got no Scully (NOOOOOOOO) and only two minutes of Mulder, thirty-seven seconds of which has Mulder running around naked (knew that would get your attention).
Just so the Gillian Anderson fans out there are appeased, here's a recent selfie of her:
 |
| either that or Gillian is showing off the new cellphones they're using on the show. NO MORE FLIP PHONES NOOOOOOOO |
UNUSUAL SUSPECTS (Byers Version)
SOME SPOILERS!
Usually, 'Shipper sentiments tend toward Dana and Fox, but since we're Dana-less and Byers is so puppy-faced this episode, this is dedicated to the Lone Gunman with the professional fashion sense...
1) When the episode opens with the Lone Gunmen hiding and Mulder lying about on the floor completely naked, your thought was:
A) "You know, Scully would've solved this case by now..."
B) "Damn, those Lone Gunmen parties can get really wacky!"
C) "Where's Dana? Fox needs her support and hand-holding!" (Sorry, out of habit, trust me the rest will be about Byers...)
2) Byers tells us - actually he tells Det. John Munch, Patron Saint/Lead Detective of the Westphall Universe - his full name is John Fitzgerald, born the day JFK was assassinated, right after asking for some mystery grrl. You note:
A) "Hmm, he can't be asking about Scully. The Enigmatic One can take care of herself."
B) "Dammit, Byers, you're in the show `Homicide'! You're on the wrong network!!!"
C) "Aw, Byers cared about someone else. She must be really special...(sigh)..."
3) Happy, naive Byers works at the FCC booth of a hackers' convention, trying desperately to sell a happy positive image to those he views as professional equals. Sadly, he gets the derision and scorn of those who call him "narc" and shun his efforts. Then, he turns and stares as SHE walks into the room. You think:
A) "Damn! Another blonde!"
B) "Damn! The guy in the background is getting a higher score on Dig Dug than I ever got!"
C) "Damn! Byers, you've got to do a better job of flirting than that!"
4) The mystery grrl passes the booths of Mel Frohike and Langly, who both vie for her attention. You note:
A) "Geez, these guys flirt with every warped blonde that comes their way!"
B) "Uh, sure, getting cable from Frohike or Langly. Wait until Direct TV, okay?"
C) "Please, don't flirt with those guys! Sure, they're destined to be Hackers Supreme, but Byers is the one who's sincerely interested with your quest for the Truth!"
5) Byers gets to talk to the mystery grrl, who calls herself Holly and who's looking to save her daughter Susanne from a psychotic ex-boyfriend. You realize:
A) That the Enigmatic One knows her share of psychotic ex-boyfriends as well as one punkish partner.
B) She doesn't look a bit like Holly from the later seasons of "Red Dwarf"...well, okay, maybe their haircuts do look a tad similar...
C) That Byers really knows how to flirt, so that means us other geeks might have a chance after all...:-)
6) "Holly" sneaks in on Frohike and closes the curtains as he predictably drools like Pavlov's dog. You note:
A) That the Blessed One would have slapped him down a bit before offering a kleenex to him
B) That you could have whupped Byers' colleague's butt at Dig Dug after all
C) That Byers needs to be more discreet in finding a better place to bring his dates
7) "Holly" goes ballistic when a certain Agent Mulder shows up. She claims HE is her ex-boyfriend and father of her child. Your response is:
A) To insist that Scully shoot him in the other shoulder when she finds out about the cheatin' bastid!!!
B) That ring from "Travelers" is starting to make some twisted sense...
C) Frohike's right, Byers: go kick his ass!
8) Poor Byers. First his new girlfriend runs off, then he finds out Mulder is an FBI agent hunting for her, then he sees his Dig Dug colleague get dragged off by Army soldiers for some hacking Byers did, and when Byers tries to do the honorable thing by offering to turn himself in, Frohike pulls off his FCC badge and whispers, "Welcome to the Dark Side." Your main thought is:
A) "Gee, Frohike tells that to Scully almost every other week, right?"
B) "Byers, no! If you turn to the Dark Side, choose the quick and easy way, forever down that path you will go..."
C) "(sigh) The things we do for love..."
9) To continue the hacking quest, Frohike and Byers must turn to another Master: Langly, AKA Lord Man-Hammer. When Frohike grudgingly admits "Your Kung-Fu is the best," and as the triumphant music swells, you realize:
A) Scully would make for a great elf-wizard...
B) Sword of Wounding? Give me break, you're better off with a +5 Shield of Forever, which protects you from magic spells, dragon breath, demi-lich drainage, and...and...oh, uh, okay I know a little D & D, JUST A LITTLE!...
C) That at least Byers is out getting a social life while these sad fools waste their hours in the darkness playing games, getting on the Internet, posting ridiculously silly posts like senseless sur...uh, oh dear, never mind...:-/
10) Langly succeeds in hacking into the FBI mainframe. They find that Mulder has commendations up the wazoo, single with no sign of being a parent, and chasing after "Holly," who turns out to be Susanne Modeski, wanted for murder, destruction of property, and willfully being a blonde. You note:
A) Scully has commendations up the wazoo, too. But does that get her a desk?!?! Noooooo...
B) Hey! If Mulder's single, where the bleep does he get off wearing a wedding ring?!?!?
C) Poor Byers. He finally meets a woman and it turns out she's the victim of a massive government conspiracy that's framing her for high crimes...
11) Susanne arrives, scaring the timid hackers with talk of conspiracies, Gideon's Bibles, and JFK ("Dallas? 1963? Hell-oooooo..."). She gets them to hack further into the Arpanet, finding out there IS a conspiracy to perform some controlled public experiment and that her dentist might be involved. When they find out she's pulling out her teeth to get at whatever they planted on her, you realize:
A) That if she removes that implant she'll get cancer!...
B) That she'd be better off getting at it with a Sword of Wounding instead of those rusty pliers...
C) That she needs someone's help and support, and that Byers should hug her...
12) They head for a nearby warehouse, where they find a box of inhalers filled with a fear-inducing chemical. Mulder arrives to arrest them, but other government agents arrive as well, starting a shoot-out. As the mayhem ensues, you note:
A) That Scully would've nailed those MIBs with one shot, without damaging the toxic containers...(okay, she may have let a stray shot hit the blonde, but maybe not, you never know...)
B) That Mulder keeps standing where he's gonna get covered in toxic chemicals that'll warp his mind...sheesh, no wonder he's spooky...
C) That Byers and Susanne should use this opportunity to sneak off to Las Vegas and get married by an Elvis priest...;-)
13) Susanne shoots the bad guys and escapes while Mulder crawls off to hallucinate. Then trucks arrive, doors open, and Mr.X enters to clean up the mess. Your main thought is:
A) "No one touches" Mulder? Sheesh, who would WANT to touch the Punk?!
B) Gee, do you think this whole situation was contrived by CancerMan to send Mulder on a quest into the investigation of the unknown, and to provide him with allies like these hackers, even granting X the ability to state "I heard it was a Lone Gunman" knowing full well that would lead to the formation of the Lone Gunmen?! Nah...
C) Poor Byers. He keeps finding his girl, then losing her, then finding her, then losing her...poor guy...
14) Daylight comes, and with a touch of sanity. Mulder frees the Lone Gunmen from jail, allowing them a chance to find Susanne leaving a newspaper office in tears. No one believes her story, except for Byers and the LG. Grateful, she kisses Byers and walks away. You note:
A) That the Enigmatic One would have suggested going to the Washington Post. I mean, those suckers would print anything!...;-)
B) That Byers should have answered that ringing phone in the background with the words "Mad Dog Pizza! We deliver!"
C) That, THANK GOD, somebody around here FINALLY KISSED! :) :) :)
15) The story has ended. Poor Byers had seen Susanne captured by X, and Mulder has returned to ask the Lone Gunmen what had happened. As the LG begin their role as conspiracy experts and advisors to the Spooky One, you conclude with this thought:
A) "You know, Scully would be getting into the Academy right now at Quantico...only three more years until she shows up to keep Mulder's ass out of trouble!..."
B) "No, not now! They were going to explain that bit about hotel bibles!..."
C) "No, it can't end like this! Byers WILL find his true love!!! Dana will meet Fox and they WILL fall in love!!! Frohike WILL subscribe to Romana Clef! And Langly WILL prove he IS Lord Man-Hammer, um, well maybe not..."
If you more often than not answered:
A) then you are an OBSSEr waiting for that special Scully-centric episode without the Punk, without the Geeks and WITH Det. Kersage.
B) then you are an X-Phile who's grateful to see an origins episode but who never knew it cost $50 to get a Sword of Wounding.
C) then you are a 'Shipper who's saddened by the fact Byers only got a kiss after all he's been through and that dammit! he and Susanne should have fled for Jamaica on a honeymoon...;-)
Sunday, May 3, 2015
The X-Files: Bad Blood 'Shipper Survey
As mentioned earlier I've run out of Season One 'Shipper Surveys from afore. I could write up newer ones to the first season, but I need to find the time (takes almost a whole day, maybe a weekend, to write up a decent survey). Meanwhile, I'm tossing out a classic 'Shipper Survey for a classic Vince Gilligan written episode.
BAD BLOOD
Senseless 'Shipper Survey- Bad Blood
Hoo boy, will this be senseless...;-)
1) It's the start of the X-Files. There are people running in a forest. Mulder impales one with a stake through the heart. Scully arrives and Mulder babbles about the kid being a vampire. Scully removes the fake vampire teeth, and Mulder starts saying "Oh, sh--...": Your first thought is:
A) Well, looks like the Punk is going to jail. I guess the show's just going to be about Agent Scully from now on...;-)
B) Watch it, Mulder, the t.v. warning label doesn't say anything about "South Park"-like language...
C) Scully, it looks like Mulder's going to have a bad day, so why not give him some tender lovin' care?...(deep sigh)
2) Back in the Hoover basement, Mulder wonders how Scully could have a different POV on the case. Your response is:
A) "Shut up, Mulder. Her version is the right version, so go with it!"
B) "Oh MY GOD! He killed Kenny! You bastard!"
C) "You should trust her by now, Mulder. Stop arguing and use your desk for a quickie!"
3) We start watching Scully's version of the story, with an Eager!Mulder acting like a know-it-all jerk showing off meaningless slides of mutilated cattle, and you can't help but say:
A) "Punk!"
B) "Wait until Leonard Maltin shows up talking about the Diamond of Zinthar..."
C) "This is how Dana sees Fox? No wonder they haven't had sex yet!"
4) Stoic!Scully gets her first view of Sheriff Studly (Sue me, I didn't read the acting credits for character names). Your response is:
A) "Oh no, the Enigmatic One's falling for another slice of beefcake. I wish she'd be more mature than that..."
B) (Extreme constant laughter that sends you rolling on the floor)
C) "Oh no, Dana's getting all misty-eyed for someone other than Fox! The RIFT!! NOOOOOO!"
(note: you may need to pick up on vital 'Shipper terminology. The RIFT was short-hand for "Mulder and Scully ain't getting any"... or something akin)
(additional note: the sheriff's first name is Lucius?! This is a bit before Harry Potter took off and Lucius Malfoy became a memetic pimp)
5) Stoic!Scully gets to work on her autopsy while Eager!Mulder runs off in search of untied shoelaces. As you watch Scully work, do you:
A) Appreciate everything this woman goes through for her jerky, punkish partner
B) Order a pizza when she describes the stomach contents
C) Cry over Dana's statement that the deceased is the only person in Texas more miserable than she is, knowing full well her enjoyment of life could be achieved if she and Fox mend their fences
and settle down in a passionate no-holds-barred relationship
6) Eager!Mulder returns to the hotel to send Scully back out for another autopsy. Do you:
A) Enjoy that the Blessed One gets Mulder to pay for the pizza
B) Wonder if the pizza has mushrooms on it
C) Wish Dana and Fox could both enjoy the vibrating bed (massive deep sigh)
7) Stoic!Scully discovers the pizza guy is the culprit and returns in time to save Mulder from being the next victim. What do you say?
A) "Battle on, SWAT!Scully!"
B) "Look out Ned, it's coming right for us!"
C) "Dana, you should sing the `Theme from Shaft' with Fox until he gains consciousness so you can then use the vibrating bed together (deep sigh)"
(note: you have to see it to believe it)
(the damn clip cuts off before Duchovny, uh Mulder defends "I DID NOT.")
8) Having heard Stoic!Scully's version of events, Mulder counters with his own version. Your response is:
A) "The Punk's absolutely completely off his rocker!"
B) "Does this version come with Cheesy Poofs?"
C) "Does this version have him admitting his love for this woman?"
9) We now get a retelling of the slide demonstration by Nice!Mulder while Cranky!Scully jumps down his throat. Your first thought is:
A) "Mulder, you're nuts!"
B) "Hey, do you know last week episode of South Park didn't have Isaac Hayes singing, but this week's episode of X-Files had Mulder singing `Shaft'! Coincidence? Buy the book!..."
C) "This is how Fox views Dana? OH NO! The RIFT!!!! NOOOOOOooooooo..."
10) Mulder's POV provides us with Sheriff Bucktooth. Your response is:
A) "Hey! The Saintly One doesn't get all misty-eyed over anybody...um, except for guys with tattoos..."
B) "Well, at least he's not a fat-ass." CARTMAN: "Hey, who you calling a fat-ass?" YOU: "Shut up, Cartman. Jesus, you'd walk down the street and people would say `Goddammit! That kid's a fat-ass!" CARTMAN: "I'll kick you in the nuts!" etc.
C) "Uh, Dana? Dana? Heelllo, Earth to Dana!...stop staring at Sheriff Bucktooth like that, Dana!!!..."
11) Mulder goes out to the graveyard to ponder the mysteries of the universe. Your main thought is:
A) Shut up, Mulder. Jesus, just stop babbling like that, you Punk!
B) Is Kenny buried here?
C) You should call Dana right now and explain everything over the cell phone, okay Fox?
12) The sheriff gets a call at the local RV area. He and Mulder have to wrassle with a runaway van. After viewing the whole scene, you:
A) Know Scully would have stopped the vehicle with one shot
B) Wonder if the RV is filled with mutant turkeys
C) Realize Mulder has to go back to the hotel and take a shower...hopefully with his redheaded partner hint hint...
13) Nice!Mulder makes it back to the hotel to speak to Cranky!Scully, who quickly bitches about doing "Everything for you. You you you!!!" You say aloud:
A) "You tell him, sister!"
B) "Let's hear Scully sing `Mulder's Mom Is A Big Fat B---- in C Minor'!"
C) "Fox, she needs to relax. Take off your coat, join her on the vibrating bed, and slowly- gently- give her a nice soothing shoulder massage. Then work your way down, gently ever so gently, working on the curve of her back, and then her arms, and her legs, gently, slowly working up her thighs until (deleted to protect younger viewers)."
14) Mulder has just told his version, and he and Scully realize they will never be able to complement each other's versions of events. Do you:
A) Suggest Scully dump her Punkish partner and head off for her own t.v. show "Scully: Medical Examiner"
B) Suggest they get Robert Smith of the Cure to come in and save the day
C) Suggest they clear off Mulder's desk and get in a quickie before the authorities come in and drag them off to prison (what, so I'm repeating myself here! IT'S THE ONLY SANE SOLUTION TO THIS EPISODE... or any other for that matter...)
15) They're waiting in Skinner's office like middle school students nailed big time for some serious infraction. You:
A) Have a nasty flashback to the Eighth grade when everyone was using your back for spitting practice
B) Have a nasty flashback to the Ninth grade when...when...I can't say it! I can't!!!!...
C) Have a nasty flashback to the Tenth grade, when...(at this point, someone should slap me upside the head and remind me I'm no longer in school and I shouldn't be ruining a perfectly senseless survey with my emotional scars)
16) Scully tries to straighten out Mulder's tie. You:
A) Task Mulder for fidgeting with her when she's going out of her way to help the Punk
B) Wonder if they're in trouble for watching Terence and Phillips again
C) Want Scully to rip off that tie, leading to Mulder shredding her clothes and her shredding his so they can roll on the floor making sweet love while Chef sings a new tune (oops, got South Park and X-Files mixed up in this answer, ach well)
17) It turns out Mulder's not such a good vampire hunter after all, as the pizza guy comes back to life. You:
A) Note that Scully would've done a better job...IF she believed in that sort of thing, anyway...
B) Cancel that pizza order you made ten minutes ago
C) Still want Scully to rip off that tie, leading to...you know...
18) They go back to Texas, and we see that Sheriff Bucktooth is really Sheriff Studly. Mulder decides to leave Scully with the sheriff while heading off to the RV camp for clues with a "Never say I don't do any favors for you, Scully." Your response is:
A) "Mulder, you never do any favors for the Enigmatic One, you punk!"
B) "Hey, Kenny, how do you know she owns a cat?"
C) "FOX! Don't ditch her and leave her there with another guy! Noooooooooooo..."
19) Mulder finds the camp filled with vampires, while Scully discovers to her horror that Sheriff Studly has this eye problem- namely, they're glowing like he's a vampire. You scream out:
A) "Use your Jedi powers, Psychic!Scully! And dammit, Mulder, put some garlic on those breadsticks!"
B) "Pink Eye! Quick, get some topical cream!"
C) "Hey, if Dana and Fox become vampires, at least they'll be together...young, beautiful, forever...(deep Anne Rice-ish sigh)"
20) The episode ends with chastened agents sitting before A.D. Skinner, who's getting another headache from yet another unresolved case. You:
A) Accept Mulder's feeble clincher, "That's pretty much how it happened...except for the buckteeth."
B) Check to make sure the pizza guy delivering your pizza doesn't have pink eye
C) Wonder if Dana and Fox realize that, while they may have differing views and opinions, they are bonded forever by their mutual quest for the Truth...so they should stop bickering with each other, see each other as beautiful wonderful human beings and DO IT!...(deep sigh)
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who's wondering why the Sainted One didn't wear her cross (actually, she did, but for some reason this writer missed it!)
B) Then you're a pizza-loving South Park fan who's making sure the pizza just delivered doesn't have any, um, artificial additives
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who thinks they should have put that vibrating bed to better use (massive deep sigh)
(note: what do you think? Too many South Park references...?)
BAD BLOOD
Senseless 'Shipper Survey- Bad Blood
Hoo boy, will this be senseless...;-)
1) It's the start of the X-Files. There are people running in a forest. Mulder impales one with a stake through the heart. Scully arrives and Mulder babbles about the kid being a vampire. Scully removes the fake vampire teeth, and Mulder starts saying "Oh, sh--...": Your first thought is:
A) Well, looks like the Punk is going to jail. I guess the show's just going to be about Agent Scully from now on...;-)
B) Watch it, Mulder, the t.v. warning label doesn't say anything about "South Park"-like language...
C) Scully, it looks like Mulder's going to have a bad day, so why not give him some tender lovin' care?...(deep sigh)
2) Back in the Hoover basement, Mulder wonders how Scully could have a different POV on the case. Your response is:
A) "Shut up, Mulder. Her version is the right version, so go with it!"
B) "Oh MY GOD! He killed Kenny! You bastard!"
C) "You should trust her by now, Mulder. Stop arguing and use your desk for a quickie!"
3) We start watching Scully's version of the story, with an Eager!Mulder acting like a know-it-all jerk showing off meaningless slides of mutilated cattle, and you can't help but say:
A) "Punk!"
B) "Wait until Leonard Maltin shows up talking about the Diamond of Zinthar..."
C) "This is how Dana sees Fox? No wonder they haven't had sex yet!"
4) Stoic!Scully gets her first view of Sheriff Studly (Sue me, I didn't read the acting credits for character names). Your response is:
A) "Oh no, the Enigmatic One's falling for another slice of beefcake. I wish she'd be more mature than that..."
B) (Extreme constant laughter that sends you rolling on the floor)
C) "Oh no, Dana's getting all misty-eyed for someone other than Fox! The RIFT!! NOOOOOO!"
(note: you may need to pick up on vital 'Shipper terminology. The RIFT was short-hand for "Mulder and Scully ain't getting any"... or something akin)
(additional note: the sheriff's first name is Lucius?! This is a bit before Harry Potter took off and Lucius Malfoy became a memetic pimp)
5) Stoic!Scully gets to work on her autopsy while Eager!Mulder runs off in search of untied shoelaces. As you watch Scully work, do you:
A) Appreciate everything this woman goes through for her jerky, punkish partner
B) Order a pizza when she describes the stomach contents
C) Cry over Dana's statement that the deceased is the only person in Texas more miserable than she is, knowing full well her enjoyment of life could be achieved if she and Fox mend their fences
and settle down in a passionate no-holds-barred relationship
6) Eager!Mulder returns to the hotel to send Scully back out for another autopsy. Do you:
A) Enjoy that the Blessed One gets Mulder to pay for the pizza
B) Wonder if the pizza has mushrooms on it
C) Wish Dana and Fox could both enjoy the vibrating bed (massive deep sigh)
7) Stoic!Scully discovers the pizza guy is the culprit and returns in time to save Mulder from being the next victim. What do you say?
A) "Battle on, SWAT!Scully!"
B) "Look out Ned, it's coming right for us!"
C) "Dana, you should sing the `Theme from Shaft' with Fox until he gains consciousness so you can then use the vibrating bed together (deep sigh)"
(note: you have to see it to believe it)
(the damn clip cuts off before Duchovny, uh Mulder defends "I DID NOT.")
8) Having heard Stoic!Scully's version of events, Mulder counters with his own version. Your response is:
A) "The Punk's absolutely completely off his rocker!"
B) "Does this version come with Cheesy Poofs?"
C) "Does this version have him admitting his love for this woman?"
9) We now get a retelling of the slide demonstration by Nice!Mulder while Cranky!Scully jumps down his throat. Your first thought is:
A) "Mulder, you're nuts!"
B) "Hey, do you know last week episode of South Park didn't have Isaac Hayes singing, but this week's episode of X-Files had Mulder singing `Shaft'! Coincidence? Buy the book!..."
C) "This is how Fox views Dana? OH NO! The RIFT!!!! NOOOOOOooooooo..."
10) Mulder's POV provides us with Sheriff Bucktooth. Your response is:
A) "Hey! The Saintly One doesn't get all misty-eyed over anybody...um, except for guys with tattoos..."
B) "Well, at least he's not a fat-ass." CARTMAN: "Hey, who you calling a fat-ass?" YOU: "Shut up, Cartman. Jesus, you'd walk down the street and people would say `Goddammit! That kid's a fat-ass!" CARTMAN: "I'll kick you in the nuts!" etc.
C) "Uh, Dana? Dana? Heelllo, Earth to Dana!...stop staring at Sheriff Bucktooth like that, Dana!!!..."
11) Mulder goes out to the graveyard to ponder the mysteries of the universe. Your main thought is:
A) Shut up, Mulder. Jesus, just stop babbling like that, you Punk!
B) Is Kenny buried here?
C) You should call Dana right now and explain everything over the cell phone, okay Fox?
12) The sheriff gets a call at the local RV area. He and Mulder have to wrassle with a runaway van. After viewing the whole scene, you:
A) Know Scully would have stopped the vehicle with one shot
B) Wonder if the RV is filled with mutant turkeys
C) Realize Mulder has to go back to the hotel and take a shower...hopefully with his redheaded partner hint hint...
13) Nice!Mulder makes it back to the hotel to speak to Cranky!Scully, who quickly bitches about doing "Everything for you. You you you!!!" You say aloud:
A) "You tell him, sister!"
B) "Let's hear Scully sing `Mulder's Mom Is A Big Fat B---- in C Minor'!"
C) "Fox, she needs to relax. Take off your coat, join her on the vibrating bed, and slowly- gently- give her a nice soothing shoulder massage. Then work your way down, gently ever so gently, working on the curve of her back, and then her arms, and her legs, gently, slowly working up her thighs until (deleted to protect younger viewers)."
14) Mulder has just told his version, and he and Scully realize they will never be able to complement each other's versions of events. Do you:
A) Suggest Scully dump her Punkish partner and head off for her own t.v. show "Scully: Medical Examiner"
B) Suggest they get Robert Smith of the Cure to come in and save the day
C) Suggest they clear off Mulder's desk and get in a quickie before the authorities come in and drag them off to prison (what, so I'm repeating myself here! IT'S THE ONLY SANE SOLUTION TO THIS EPISODE... or any other for that matter...)
15) They're waiting in Skinner's office like middle school students nailed big time for some serious infraction. You:
A) Have a nasty flashback to the Eighth grade when everyone was using your back for spitting practice
B) Have a nasty flashback to the Ninth grade when...when...I can't say it! I can't!!!!...
C) Have a nasty flashback to the Tenth grade, when...(at this point, someone should slap me upside the head and remind me I'm no longer in school and I shouldn't be ruining a perfectly senseless survey with my emotional scars)
16) Scully tries to straighten out Mulder's tie. You:
A) Task Mulder for fidgeting with her when she's going out of her way to help the Punk
B) Wonder if they're in trouble for watching Terence and Phillips again
C) Want Scully to rip off that tie, leading to Mulder shredding her clothes and her shredding his so they can roll on the floor making sweet love while Chef sings a new tune (oops, got South Park and X-Files mixed up in this answer, ach well)
17) It turns out Mulder's not such a good vampire hunter after all, as the pizza guy comes back to life. You:
A) Note that Scully would've done a better job...IF she believed in that sort of thing, anyway...
B) Cancel that pizza order you made ten minutes ago
C) Still want Scully to rip off that tie, leading to...you know...
18) They go back to Texas, and we see that Sheriff Bucktooth is really Sheriff Studly. Mulder decides to leave Scully with the sheriff while heading off to the RV camp for clues with a "Never say I don't do any favors for you, Scully." Your response is:
A) "Mulder, you never do any favors for the Enigmatic One, you punk!"
B) "Hey, Kenny, how do you know she owns a cat?"
C) "FOX! Don't ditch her and leave her there with another guy! Noooooooooooo..."
19) Mulder finds the camp filled with vampires, while Scully discovers to her horror that Sheriff Studly has this eye problem- namely, they're glowing like he's a vampire. You scream out:
A) "Use your Jedi powers, Psychic!Scully! And dammit, Mulder, put some garlic on those breadsticks!"
B) "Pink Eye! Quick, get some topical cream!"
C) "Hey, if Dana and Fox become vampires, at least they'll be together...young, beautiful, forever...(deep Anne Rice-ish sigh)"
20) The episode ends with chastened agents sitting before A.D. Skinner, who's getting another headache from yet another unresolved case. You:
A) Accept Mulder's feeble clincher, "That's pretty much how it happened...except for the buckteeth."
B) Check to make sure the pizza guy delivering your pizza doesn't have pink eye
C) Wonder if Dana and Fox realize that, while they may have differing views and opinions, they are bonded forever by their mutual quest for the Truth...so they should stop bickering with each other, see each other as beautiful wonderful human beings and DO IT!...(deep sigh)
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who's wondering why the Sainted One didn't wear her cross (actually, she did, but for some reason this writer missed it!)
B) Then you're a pizza-loving South Park fan who's making sure the pizza just delivered doesn't have any, um, artificial additives
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who thinks they should have put that vibrating bed to better use (massive deep sigh)
(note: what do you think? Too many South Park references...?)
Saturday, April 4, 2015
The X-Files: Detour 'Shipper Survey
This is actually going back to the real beginning.
I started writing up the 'Shipper surveys in Season Five, meaning that there are four seasons through which not a lot of 'Shipper surveys were done. During the summer months between the later seasons, I would go back and review an earlier episode from early seasons, but never found enough time to do ALL of them in an appropriate way.
It was this episode "Detour" where the 'Shipping elements were so overt that the fans were squeeing a little too much and I decided, "well hell, someone needs to quiz up the fanbase for the right things to say about the episode."
And people liked it. So I continued on with other episodes that season and went from there.
Looking back on this, you'll notice a few things:
So, here goes:
DETOUR
1) When "Detour" opened with the FBI agents en route to the seminar, did you:
A) Pray that the other two FBI agents wouldn't sing "Kum-bai-ya"
B) Notice that the other two FBI agents were the Mirror Universe opposites of Moose and Squirrel
C) Thank God Mulder was leaning in so close when he whispered to Scully!
2) When Scully brought wine and cheese to Mulder's hotel room, talking about a "par-tay" and FBI rules of sexual conduct, did you:
A) Take the time to listen to the witty, well-thought dialogue between two characters that know and respect one another
B) Wonder if Scully brought red wine and a sob story about her prom night
C) Run off to the computer to start writing a steamy erotic fanfic
3) When Scully found herself alone in the forest, screaming for Mulder's help, did you expect the next scene to be:
A) Scully single-handedly defeating an attacker
B) Scully making a discovery that cracks the X-File open
C) Mulder rushing up to hug Scully and swearing never to ditch her again
4) When Mulder and Scully began their "Sleeping Bag Conversation" did you:
A) Admire the calm, almost magical connection between these two caring characters
B) Wonder why the red-eyed monsters didn't interrupt this special moment
C) STOP writing your erotic fanfic to squidge until collapsing into a sated unconsciousness
5) When Mulder raced at the end to the hotel to rescue Scully from a possible red-eyed monster attack, did you:
A) Expect to find Scully slapping the hand-cuffs on a monster whose camouflage doesn't work against hotel wallpaper
B) Expect Mulder to slam the hotel door into the monster's face, knocking it unconscious while he and Scully belatedly walk away
C) Expect Mulder to catch Scully in the shower, giving them the delicious opportunity to find the soap while the monster leaves and joins a circus act in Gibbston, further down the state
Please send all answers to someone you know is a NoRomo. Thank you.
I started writing up the 'Shipper surveys in Season Five, meaning that there are four seasons through which not a lot of 'Shipper surveys were done. During the summer months between the later seasons, I would go back and review an earlier episode from early seasons, but never found enough time to do ALL of them in an appropriate way.
It was this episode "Detour" where the 'Shipping elements were so overt that the fans were squeeing a little too much and I decided, "well hell, someone needs to quiz up the fanbase for the right things to say about the episode."
And people liked it. So I continued on with other episodes that season and went from there.
Looking back on this, you'll notice a few things:
- I had yet to settle on the pattern of having answer A) be a pro-Scully joke,
- Squidge was apparently a word back in 1997,
- This survey only went five questions rather than a more coherent, detailed twenty questions.
So, here goes:
DETOUR
1) When "Detour" opened with the FBI agents en route to the seminar, did you:
A) Pray that the other two FBI agents wouldn't sing "Kum-bai-ya"
B) Notice that the other two FBI agents were the Mirror Universe opposites of Moose and Squirrel
C) Thank God Mulder was leaning in so close when he whispered to Scully!
2) When Scully brought wine and cheese to Mulder's hotel room, talking about a "par-tay" and FBI rules of sexual conduct, did you:
A) Take the time to listen to the witty, well-thought dialogue between two characters that know and respect one another
B) Wonder if Scully brought red wine and a sob story about her prom night
C) Run off to the computer to start writing a steamy erotic fanfic
3) When Scully found herself alone in the forest, screaming for Mulder's help, did you expect the next scene to be:
A) Scully single-handedly defeating an attacker
B) Scully making a discovery that cracks the X-File open
C) Mulder rushing up to hug Scully and swearing never to ditch her again
4) When Mulder and Scully began their "Sleeping Bag Conversation" did you:
A) Admire the calm, almost magical connection between these two caring characters
B) Wonder why the red-eyed monsters didn't interrupt this special moment
C) STOP writing your erotic fanfic to squidge until collapsing into a sated unconsciousness
5) When Mulder raced at the end to the hotel to rescue Scully from a possible red-eyed monster attack, did you:
A) Expect to find Scully slapping the hand-cuffs on a monster whose camouflage doesn't work against hotel wallpaper
B) Expect Mulder to slam the hotel door into the monster's face, knocking it unconscious while he and Scully belatedly walk away
C) Expect Mulder to catch Scully in the shower, giving them the delicious opportunity to find the soap while the monster leaves and joins a circus act in Gibbston, further down the state
Please send all answers to someone you know is a NoRomo. Thank you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)