Sunday, January 24, 2016

Today The X-Files Returns, So You Get... The End 'Shipper Survey!


Oh, relax. It's only the The End to Season Five! They had the movie after this.

Wait, did I just SPOILER this survey?! Uh-oh... (runs)

Senseless 'Shipper Survey - The End

(This is the end...beautiful friend...this is the only friend...the end...GOD, I have waited sooooo long to quote Jim Morrison with this show!!!...)

1) As the episode opens in Vancouver (for some reason looking a lot like L.A.) with a packed arena watching a chess match between a Russian master and an American child prodigy, you realize:

A) That Scully could beat the Punk at a good game of chess

B) That Vancouver's teams must suck royally if the local sports fans are driven to turn out for chess

C) That Dana and Fox could play a wicked game of strip chess if they wanted to...

2) Skinner is waiting in the basement to quiz Mulder about the future of the X-Files and the fact that Agent "Stiff Neck" Spender is leading the investigation into an assassination attempt at the chess match. You:

A) Task Skinner for not letting Scully put that nameplate she got at the NY Expo up on the door

B) Wonder who put that Post-It note saying "You Are Here" over the UFO in the poster

C) Worry that Skinner is looking at Fox the wrong way ("Not that there's anything wrong with it!")

3) Mulder interrupts Spender's presentation by showing up and inside of three seconds solving the case: the shooter was aiming for the kid, who seems to be aware of someone aiming for him. You respond by:

A) Suggesting Scully hand Mulder a trout so he can slap Spender with it

B) Changing the title you've scribbled on the VCR tape from "The End" to "Shooting At Bobby Fisher"

C) Hoping Fox would stop staring at that brunette sitting in the corner...hel-lo, Fox, please stare at the redhead!...

4) Mulder and Scully drive off to interview the child prodigy, but this time they have a backseat driver: Diane Fowley, the brunette who looks a lot like that woman from the movie "Rapture". You:

A) Stop your loathing of blondes like Marita and Det. White and start your loathing of brunettes like Bambi and Diane

B) Wonder if Tea Leoni is cowering in the backseat whispering "You just keep your eyes on the road, mister!!!"

C) Suggest that next time Fowley drives the car so Dana and Fox can sit in the back (vwg)

5) The trio of agents confront the child, who's busy watching cartoons. When Mulder pesters Gibson with questions, the kid says "You've got a dirty mind," reveals Fox is thinking of one of the women and also notes one of the women is thinking of him. You shout out:

A) "Scully, stop thinking about cookie dough ice cream and focus on your assignment!"

B) "Hey, if Mulder's got a dirty mind, why isn't he thinking about BOTH women???"

C) "Dana, you'd better NOT be thinking about cookie dough ice cream!!"

6) While Mulder confronts Spender about getting information from the assassin, Scully and Fowley team up to examine the boy using science and parapsychology. As Gibson accurately reads off the picture cards and the breakfasts the examining crew had, you:

A) Note the fine maternal qualities the Enigmatic One used in handling Gibson during the medical examination

B) Consider what the kid meant when he noted Scully was wondering about Fowley and that Fowley was wondering about her...Hey, now I'VE got a dirty mind!!!...(vwg)

C) Worry that Fox said, "Diane, you know what to do" as though he and Diane once...once...oh NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo

7) Scully goes to the Lone Gunmen to verify some evidence and to also find out about Diane Fowley. You:

A) Task the Red-Headed One for getting all flustered over a Punk

B) Admire Frohike's fashion sense

C) Wail and knash your teeth, knowing the horrible realization that...that...NOOooooooo

8) Fowley and Mulder talk about his work on the X-Files, on whether or not he would have been better off teamed with someone open to the extreme possibilities, someone like her. Then they hold hands. You:

A) Grumble, because the Punk didn't praise Scully highly enough

B) Scowl, because all the kid seems to do is watch cartoons from the FOX Network

C) Curl up into a fetal position, because Fox is holding hands with the wrong one...NOOOoooooooooo (Note: this was before I found out there were NoRomos in the world, damn them)

9) Scully catches Fowley and Mulder holding hands. She stumbles back to her car, sitting and thinking over...something that can't be said. You respond by:

A) Suggesting Scully drive off to a bar that serves Scullyritas

B) Suggesting Scully plow her car into Spender's as he drives by her rearview mirror

C) Suggesting Dana go back into that room, slap Diane with a trout and give Fox a huge wet sloppy kiss that'll prove once and for all she is his One-In-Five-Billion

10) Scully informs Skinner and most of Spender's task force about what she has found about the boy Gibson: his mind has accessed something called the God Module, indicating a highly evolved thought process that could ascertain both parapsychological as well as spiritual understanding of Everything. Spender scoffs at the idea that the kid could be the key to unlocking the X-Files. Fowley warns Mulder that taking the wrong approach of giving the assassin immunity in exchange for proof could shut down the X-Files. As she says she has an interest in the files as well, Scully shoots Mulder a worried glance. You note:

A) That Fowley, having scoffed at Scully's assertion that the child can quantify spiritual understanding, will most certainly get nailed by God's Mighty Anvil for her blasphemy

B) That the Attorney General's not about to listen to any request from Mulder after that terrible SNL skit last week

C) That Diane is staring at Fox the wrong way...and that Skinner is staring at Dana the wrong way...and that the guy standing in the far corner is staring at Spender the wrong way...NOOoooooooooo

11) Mulder confronts the assassin again, needing more proof before Janet Reno can offer a deal. The killer says the boy is "the missing link." Mulder leaps from Point A to Point D by realizing the child is proof of alien genetic manipulation since the Dawn Of Man. As Spender scoffs at the concept of alien astronauts, you wish for:

A) Scully to make a cameo appearance on Ally McBeal so she can slap Georgia with a trout...hey, where did THAT come from?...

B) God to drop a black monolith on top of the blasphemer Spender

C) Dana and Fox to quit the FBI so they can become spokespersons for the Ab, wait a sec, let me think of something 'shippier than that...

12) Scully quizzes Gibson some more about his talents. He notes about how other people say one thing but think another, worried about how others would think in turn. He sees that Scully doesn't worry about what other people think...except Scully is worried about what Diane Fowley is thinking. You note:

A) That Gibson trusts the Enigmatic One when she promises to protect the boy...damn right!

B) That there IS a conspiracy! They're promoting FOX Network's cartoons! Shameless plugging before our very eyes! Dammit!

C) That Dana is actually going over to the next room in the hotel where she'll call Fox and leave dirty messages on his answering machine

13) The endgame is played. The assassin is killed holding a Morleys wrapper. Diane Fowley is shot and the boy is kidnapped. Mulder overreacts by confronting Spender, little realizing it's his coffin being prepared and not Spender's. You consider:

A) That Fowley got exactly what she deserved for questioning the Enigmatic One's spiritual insights

B) That Fowley should have stayed away from the window instead of sitting there with a bullseye on her chest

C) That, well, you didn't want anyone to get hurt or anything...but YAY, now Fox and Dana have no one to distract them! (grateful sigh of relief)

14) Scully is sitting with Mulder in his apartment, talking with Skinner about the upcoming inquiry by the Justice Department, that they could face re-assignment and certain closure of the X-Files department. You:

A) Warn Scully not to drink the orange juice in Mulder's fridge

B) Know that Janet Reno is really shutting down the X-Files to get revenge for that SNL skit

C) Wonder if there's enough room on that futon for Dana and Fox to do it

15) CancerMan takes Samantha's file before he sets fire to the basement. He confronts Spender with the fact he is Spender's father. As Mulder and Scully races to the Hoover building to find everything they have worked for burnt to ash, as they confront the possibility that this is the end of the X-Files, and as Scully tries to comfort Mulder (and herself) with a hug, you conclude:

A) That maybe it's a good thing Scully hadn't put up her nameplate on the door after all

B) That Spender should have pulled out his light saber and whacked CancerMan's hand off...nah, that would have made that jerk a Jedi...

C) That Fox isn't hugging Dana back! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSEr who's convinced this fire will lead to Scully getting her own desk when they re-build the set (let this be the last desk joke I ever make!)

B) Then you are an X-Phile who tried watching the show and listening to the Doors' song "The End" to see if they synchronize each other like the way "Wizard of Oz" and "Dark Side of the Moon" did

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who'll have to be content with that blink-and-you'll-miss-it clip from the movie of Dana and Fox gazing deeply into each other's eyes like they're about to kiss...deeeeeeeeeeep sigh


Okay, who's ready for TONIGHT! The X-Files IS BACK, baby!

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