X-Files: Rain King 'Shipper Survey

So here I am to bulk up the archive of Senseless 'Shipper Surveys before THE BIG REVIVAL THIS SUNDAY, and I'm glancing about for something 'Ship-tastic.

So what you get are flying cows. Enjoy.

RAIN KING

Okay, here we go:


1) The episode begins on Valentine's Day, with someone filling out a romantic card, finishing it off with a lipstick kiss. This makes you realize:

A) That Scully would never kiss a Hallmark card...it's a waste of perfectly applied peach lipstick, dammit!

B) That you've never gotten a Valentine's Day card like that before...well, you've never gotten a Valentine's card period... Oh, God, and I thought Christmas gets so depressing... :-(

C) That if Fox is seeing some girl named Sheila on the side, Dana has no choice but to trout-slap that cheatin' bastid!


2) We watch Sheila (ex-SNL player Victoria Jackson) get into an argument with her worthless boyfriend, who ridicules her and drives off into the night drunk as a skunk. So we've got some broken hearts, half-eaten boxes of chocolate, and hail the shape of hearts (anybody who starts singing "We know that diamonds/mean money for this art/but that's not/the shape of my heart" will receive a free copy of "The Best of Sting and the Police Playing Polka Remixes by Puffy Combs!!!"). This all makes you think:

A) Bill Murray's guest appearance later on as Caddyshack Man is going to make you shut off the t.v. and toss it out the window

B) That whoever gets CancerMan a box of chocolates for Valentine's Day is going to find out what it's like to have an alien probe up the a--! (Pardon my Swedish...)

C) About how Dana and Fox are celebrating Valentine's Day this year...probably inside a pup tent with an infinite number of Bee-B-Gone spray cans! <hopeful grin>


3) After the credits roll, we fast-forward six months later (solar calendars, guys, anybody going by lunar months will be off by a few weeks!) to watch a plane buzz an airfield. The plane finally lands, letting our intrepid heroes Mulder and Scully step out to a grand welcome...of a John Deere cap-wearing mayor and one (rather good) baton twirler (they don't get much visitors around these parts, do they?). When the mayor thanks Mulder for coming and mistakes Scully as "the missus," you reply:

A) With a wrathful "That's AGENT SCULLY, you Jay-Hawking corn-eating <additional expletives deleted to protect younger viewers, but suffice to say anyone in a Navy family would understand>!!!"

B) With a disdainful "At least you don't confuse her for an airline stewardess..."

C) With a hopeful "Oh, IF ONLY!...<sigh>"


4) Scully finds out why Mulder dragged her out to the mountainous terrain of Kansas: Daryl Mootz, the bum from the opening scene, has been going around promoting himself as "The Rain King," and the mayor is convinced Daryl is controlling the weather and inducing a drought so he could then force people to pay for his skills of precipitation. As Scully keeps glancing this look at Mulder who keeps trying to glance a look of innocence back at her, you interpret it as:

A) A pre-trout-slap glance meaning "You Punk, dragging me out here on a flight that didn't even have peanuts, dammit, just to find some wannabe Weatherman!Elvis"

B) A withering "Oh, great, another small town with wacky inhabitants. Didn't we do this already with 'Post-Modern Prometheus'?"

C) A seductive "Hey, this mayor knew something I didn't! You dragged me out here to get married, didn't you? That's why he thought I was the missus, because we're honeymooning out in the Kansas wine valleys! Oh, Fox, that's so sweet..." <hopeful sigh>


5) Our heroes walk the Main Street of Kroner, KS., where Mulder points out is a center for the most bizarre weather conditions in the Midwest. Scully points out the boarded-up shops and deserted streets, reflecting on how desperate the locals are in blaming their plights on any available scapegoat or in placing dubious faith in a loser who claims to control the weather. You note:

A) That the Blessed One is really upset there are no bagel shops here, dammit!

B) That Vince Gilligan's diner seems to be doing pretty nicely here, and you wonder if he's got a chain of them between Vancouver and L.A.

C) That if the locals are expecting them to be a married couple, they ought to walk down the street holding hands! <extremely wishful grin>


6) Mulder and Scully bump into the Rain King's secretary Cindy, then make their way to the local t.v. channel to question the weatherman there. They arrive and are quickly greeted by an excited Sheila, who shepherds them forward and announces that our intrepid heroes are...the Gundersons?!?! As both agents arch eyebrows to that, you determine:

A) That you can't picture belonging to an organization named "Order of the Blessed St. Gunderson the Enigmatic"...c'mon, OBSGE just won't fly!...

B) That you just can't picture the show changing its title to "The Gundersons Versus the Mysterions"...that just won't work!

C) That Dana and Fox really ARE having a truly romantic getaway...that's just fine! ;-)


NOTE: I am not touching upon when the real Gundersons arrive. Nope. Uh-uh.


7) After quizzing weatherman Holman Hardt on the ditzy blonde, uh, ditzy weather covering the vast Kroner terrain, Mulder and Scully drive out to catch the Rain King start up another performance, strapping on an artificial leg marking the one he lost in the prologue's hailstorm, calling upon his 1/64 Cherokee heritage and drunkenly dancing to a really bad song. Scully gets her patented "Oh God Why Am I Here?" look and walks out of the tent. Mulder tries to point out that rain dances fall back on a grand native tradition, letting Scully to point out her Irish aunt has more Cherokee in her than Daryl. When Scully queries "I mean, look at him... Does that look like a man who can control the weather?" you know:

A) That the Blessed Skeptic shouldn't set herself up like that...next time, O Redheaded One, please do that while the Punk has his umbrella open...

B) That someone off-camera is having a blast with that water hose

C) That there's nothing like a romantic thundershower to get Dana and Fox in the mood...you hope! <deep sigh>


8) Okay. Two words. Bovine aviation. This means:

A) That the translation of that startled cow moo-ing during take-off comes out roughly as "OH NO NOT AGAIN." <knock on the door> <writer gets served with a restraining order from Douglas Adams' lawyer> Oh. I see. Um, people, please disregard this answer. Sorry.

B) That the commercial possibilities of bovine aviation as explored in certain Monty Python skits have yet to be perfected. <knock on the door> Oh, c'mon, you gotta let me have this one!...

C) That Fox is going to hafta share a room now with Dana! YEEEESSS! Fanfic alert! Fanfic alert! All 'Shippers, report to your keyboards!!!


9) With the dawn comes sanity...except in this town. Scully finds out the hotel managers have moved "her boyfriend's stuff" into her room. She finds Mulder, still ranting about someone using the weather to toss cows at him, getting treated for his scars, so she uses the moment to check for any sign of head trauma. Holman shows up, worried if anyone was hurt, and Sheila walks up with her mascara running as she tearfully claims she is the one responsible for the weather. All this makes you declare:

A) "Aha, so now the plot turns, as fate points its fickle finger at the ditzy blonde. And so, gentles all, can we dare say that...that...you know, talking like Shakespeare is harder than it looks..."

B) "Hey, ground sirloin is now half off at the Piggly Wiggly!"

C) "Aha, the excuses Dana has to come up with in order to make physical contact with Fox! You know if she spots a bruise she'll gently kiss the area and ask if he's all better...oh, by the way, is that a small bruise on the corner of his mouth? Yes!..."


10) Sheila gives Mulder and Scully a brief rundown of all the meteorological troubles she has had in relation to her love life: a tornado at prom, snow at her July wedding, laughing clouds on the day of her divorce, the hail of hearts, and now flying cows. Mulder and Scully keep giving each other these looks while she talks. Mulder, surprisingly, tells Sheila she's NOT the cause for the weather and asks Scully for her confirmation. As Scully glares in surprise at her partner while stammering out a "No, no doubts," you realize:

A) That Scully's shock comes from having the Punk finally - FINALLY - asking for her opinion - and ACCEPTING it - on this sort of thing! Wow!

B) That Sheila's abilities to destroy a prom just can't compete with Carrie's...

C) That those glances between Dana and Fox mean only one thing... ice cream!!! ;-)


11) Mulder notes Holman's reaction upon learning that Daryl's leg injury was due to drunk driving and not the hailstorm. Promptly, the rains that have followed the Rain King stop. ("Uh-oh.") Scully, just taking a moment to note how quickly Mulder has moved into her room (and made a pig sty of it), informs him that the rains have stopped, Daryl Mootz is now considered a fraud by the locals, and they can go home. But as Mulder starts telling her that Holman the Weatherman is the One True Rain King, you:

A) Knew that the Punk's bachelor ways were the reason why the Blessed One kept wanting separate hotel rooms.

B) Knew that the days of wine and rains would not last for the <insert Elvis accent> Rain King, thank you very much...

C) Knew that Dana and Fox weren't about to flip a coin to see who gets the bed...<wiggle eyebrows> <insert Roy Orbison growl here>


12) We watch as Holman, sad lonely Holman, speak before a mirror in a wimpish attempt to work up the nerve to ask Sheila (or should that be "beg", ladies?) to be his Rain Queen. The phone rings, and lo and behold it's Sheila, saying she has finally given up on the loutish Daryl. Holman gets excited as Sheila wants to ask him something (he starts sweating), and she asks... (his heart is pounding) "What do you think of Agent Mulder?" At that point you shout at the screen:

A) see B)

B) see C)

C) "Uh-oh. RUN Fox RUNNNNN!!!" <lightning flash> "And don't hold that umbrella too high!!!"


13) Mulder shows up at the t.v. station to confront a miffed Holman. The FBI agent tells the weatherman that he knows Holman is the Rain King, but that his control of the weather is based on his emotional state: his bottled-up feelings for Sheila is what's causing the drought, and until he tells her it'll stay that way. Holman, however, can't work up the nerve and begs Mulder for help. Scully calls from the airport: fog (Holman's desperation) has grounded the planes. Mulder explains to Scully they're stuck in town until he can give Holman dating advice. When you hear the silence on the other end of the phone, you realize:

A) That the Blessed Skeptic knows the Punk too well: asking Mulder for dating advice is like asking Dr. Kervorkian to cure your headache!

B) That you're hoping to get some dating advice as well...<writer of survey counts the years since last date> <weeps> C'mon, David, talk!...

C) That Dana's wondering if she and Fox should provide demonstrations on such techniques as hand-holding and wistful-gazing and lip-locking...especially lip-locking!!! <wicked sigh>


14) SCULLY: Mulder, when was the last time you went on a date? MULDER (miffed): I...will talk to you...later. SCULLY (look of disbelief): The blind leading the blind... YOU:

A) "You said it, sister!"

B) "Well, there was that vampire chick from Season Two...and Bambi, if you could call that dating...and Kersh's secretary, well that was actually somebody else...oh, there's Phoebe...<very long pause> uh-oh..."

C) "It doesn't have to stay that way, Dana!" <weep> <gnash teeth>


15) Mulder and Holman talk about the birds and the bees (No, NOT THE BEES) and the monkey babies. HOLMAN: I've been envious of men like you my whole life. Based on your physical bearing, I'd assumed you were...more experienced. I mean... You spend every day with Agent Scully a beautiful, enchanting woman. And you two never, uh...? Mulder just stands there in silence. HOLMAN: I...confess I find that shocking. I've seen how you two gaze at one another... YOU:

A) "That's not gazing. Scully's just fixing her aim so she can hit him with a trout every time he drags her out to the boonies to investigate flying cows!"

B) "They're not gazing. They're telepathically telling one another about this great bagel shop just off of State Road 819!!! They'll be stopping by next episode!"

C) "You're not the only one, Holman! We're all shocked and disappointed! Damn bees!"


16) Mulder doesn't answer Holman's queries regarding the agent's relationship with Scully. He's just here to help the One True Rain King flirt with Sheila. Mulder proclaims that he's "perfectly happy with my relationship with Agent Scully," which leads to this kind of response:

A) "What relationship? You don't let her drive, didn't let her have a desk in the basement, you kept taking her parking space, stole her bags of peanuts during those long flights, and never gave her a chance to get those bagels she likes with cream cheese! Damn Punk!"

B) "Hey! If he's acting like a psychologist this episode, why wasn't he one last episode?!" <writer: yep, Chris Carter and Co., we will be ragging you on that flagrant continuity error for the rest of the year. Enjoy!>

C) "We're not happy! <weep> <wail> <gnash teeth> Fox! It's so obvious everybody else sees it! You and Dana were meant for each other! <continue weeping>"


BONUS: Mulder adds he does not "gaze" at Scully.

A) This doesn't cause you any difficulty

B) You shrug this off, doesn't bother you at all

C) You weep, pull out your hair, destroy the 1,000-page romantic novel you were writing of Dana and Fox getting personal in a cabin during a winter storm, bewail the dashing of all your hopes, and collapse in the bathtub crying your eyes out until your relatives shove some Prozac down your throat


17) Holman tries to tell Sheila. Sheila is oblivious to Holman's "I love you" and instead focuses on Mulder. Daryl, no longer earning income as a Rain King, is desperate to get back together with Sheila. Complications ensue. Especially when Sheila kisses Mulder. Your response:

A) Echoes that of Scully: arched eyebrows, false look of shock, a sign that she's going to blab about it over the water cooler meaning you can snicker about it on the next session of the #OBSSE chat room...especially with that lipstick all over his face...<snicker>

B) Sticking your tongue out with a "Thhhpt!" C'mon, you're sure you saw this before on an episode from the "Monkees"!!!

C) Is to run back to the bathtub for more crying. These damn blondes keep kissing Fox! Nooooo...


18) Mulder and Scully crash the Kroner High School re-union, as the rains of Holman's anger over Sheila's kissing of Mulder flood the countryside. They argue with Holman to make the rains stop. Holman argues that this is Mulder's fault for "kissing" Sheila. You reply:

A) "Well, he's got you there, Mulder. Here, Holman, just slap him with this trout..."

B) "You call that a kiss? I didn't see any tongue!"

C) "We know, we know! <weep> <run for the bathtub>"


19) Sheila arrives blissfully unaware of the situation, eager to dance with Mulder. Mulder stammers until Scully notes that "Holman was just telling us that he wanted to dance." As Sheila gets the hint, you realize:

A) That the Blessed Redhead is the one who knows the dating rules! You go, girl!

B) That Mulder, like most white guys, just simply can't dance to 70s music, uh-uh, no way...

C) That Dana is doing what she can to keep Fox all to herself! Yay!!! <sigh of relief>


20) Mulder tries one last trick he learned in psychology school: he growls "Tell her, Holman!" You growl:

A) "Oh, yeah, you stayed awake in all those classes you took at Oxford, uh-huh, sure..."

B) "Cerulean! Oh, wait, you need psychic powers for that to work..."

C) "Tell HER, Fox! YOU tell Dana YOU LOVE HER, okay???"


21) Ah, the things we do for love. Mulder and Scully sway to the music as they watch Holman finally get through to Sheila. When she storms off, Mulder quips "I'll build the ark, you gather the animals." You respond to this scene by:

A) Quoting from the Gospel of Sister La: "Yea, verily, did the Blessed One gather the animals by two, for two is the number and thou shalt only count up to two. And thus did St. Scully bring the animals to be saved, and The Creator Carter was pleased. And they gathered in the spot where Mulder was to build the ark, and they saw it was built. And then did Scully, with the blessedness of her righteousness, seize upon the two trout brought with her. And with this trout she slapped the Punk, saying, 'Oh Lord, let me shew thee thy foolish ways, for you see a single piece of formica bought for $42.99 at Home Depot maketh a raft and not an ark!'..."

B) Piping up your very own love song on your CD player: Dead Kennedys "Too Drunk To F---!" Yeah! <begin slam dancing with your loved one(s)>

C) Swaying back and forth with your fellow 'Shippers across the globe, hoping that this might somehow spark an emotional moment between Moose and Squirrel...<big swaying sigh>


22) Scully finds an upset Sheila in the bathroom. Sheila's convinced that Scully is trying to use Holman to keep Sheila from getting to Mulder. Scully notes "her partner's" theory (yeah, you just tell yourself that, Scully) that Holman's emotions control the weather and that his love for Sheila is behind all the bizarre storms. Scully tries to explain the ways of love (So THANKS to Tiny Dancer and CarriK for the transcript): "Well, it seems to me that the best relationships-- the ones that last-- are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with." (Nice speech) You answer with a:

A) "But in Mulder's case, the switch is probably connected to Old Sparky, Florida's electric chair!" <zap>

B) "What? You mean I have to make friends with a woman first? Damn! And all those times I went up to the ladies with a 'Hi there, talk to me, I'm FABULOUS' wasn't working!..."

C) "Somebody! Find that switch! Turn it on! HIT THE SWITCHHH!"


23) The lights go out, the plumbing gets backed up, and Sheila and Holman finally have a heart-to-heart talk. And, aw, they kiss. The flooding ends, the rains cease, and the sparklers flare up. Aw, so romantic. Which makes you wonder:

A) How Scully could weasel her way out of being the maid of honor at the wedding...well, after all, do you know how hideous those maids-of-honor outfits can GET?!

B) Why did they still hold the re-union when the weather was so bad? Wouldn't they have needed the gym for an emergency shelter or something?

C) What will it be like when Dana and Fox finally kiss?! Oh, WOW, just thinking about it boggles the mind!...<faint>


24) Like a Shakespearean play, all are reconciled at the end: The Rain King has his Queen, the false King learns his lesson, gets his leg and his true love Cindy, and Mulder and Scully are still Mulder and Scully...unless they switched identities with anybody...nah, not this episode. When Mulder asks Holman how it's going, the weatherman grins and replies, "You should try it sometime," meaning:

A) Scully now is going to have to keep the Punk away from blondes, entomologists, two-timing British women, L.A. vampire chicks, and anything else that'll cause her trouble on a full-time basis! <mutter> <grumble>

B) You are confused: wasn't Holman upset when Mulder kissed Sheila? <scratch head> <watch scene again>

C) Dana and Fox SHOULD DO IT!!! <emotion runs high> <relatives show up again with the Prozac>


25) As Judy Garland sings "Somewhere Over The Rainbow," the scene shifts ahead a year to a pleasant mid-western home as Holman talks the weather on t.v. noting how it's going to be another beautiful day. As the camera pans across the room, we see Sheila smiling and sitting there with a newborn son, and as the camera moves past them to the window showing us the fertile farmlands of our youth, we conclude:

A) With the understanding that someday Scully is going to have to come back to this town to stop the Rain Prince's temper tantrums!

B) With the realization that this is the X-Files and there are no happy endings, dammit! Don't you see that swarm of bees in the horizon? Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!...

C) With the knowledge that somewhere, out there Dana and Fox are listening to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" as they enjoy their honeymoon...<deep romantic sigh>


If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSEr who knew St. Scully would be the one to fix things between Sheila and Holman...now if she can just tell those animals lining up outside her apartment that the flooding has stopped!...

B) Then you are an X-Phile who's just noticing there's been a lot of references to the "Wizard of Oz" lately...hmm...

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who WANTS Dana and Fox gazing at each other, who WANTS Dana and Fox to hold hands, who WANTS them to kiss at a high school re-union, who <family members take away keyboard> who NEEDS another bottle of Prozac! <writer whines, "Mot-her! Not now!...">

X-Files: all things 'Shipper Survey

So there I was yesterday responding to the Twitter-fest that exploded over the X-Files episode "Chimera," and so I realize, hey how far along into this season are we? And I discover we're in Season Seven, and then I discover that the next episode is "all things," the episode directed by Gillian "St. Scully" Anderson...

...and that THIS is the episode for all 'Shippers to band together in celebration.

WHEEEEEE.

So, without further explanation, here's the survey I wrote oh so long ago!

all things

1) The episode begins in lower case letters only. e.e. cummings would approve. Actually, the episode begins with a bathroom faucet dripping. We see Scully changing into her clothes...hey, was she undressed for a reason? She quietly leaves the bathroom and walks into a bedroom, walking past a leg barely covered by a bedsheet...hey, wait a second. She keeps walking past the sleeping form of a guy lying NAKED IN BED?!?! You scream:

A) "Condoms! Did you remember the condoms?!?!"

B) "Uh-oh. If that's Mulder, we'll never hear the end of it from those naive 'Shippers who keep answering C) on these surveys!"

C) "That had better be Fox!!! <camera keeps panning up to reveal it is, indeed, Dana's One-In-Five-Billion> YES! YES! THEY DID IT! THEY FINALLY DID IT!" <faint in orgasmic bliss>

2) Okay, so they did it. There's still an episode to do. So...

A) Forget it. We've got to talk! Details, Dana, we want details!

B) No, they didn't do it. They're just friends! That's all they are, all right?! <mutter> <grumble>

C) <Unable to respond due to current blissed-out state>

3) Shall we continue? We flashback to Saturday, and who works on a Saturday? Mulder does, sadly dragging poor Scully into his Hell. She shows up with lunch while Mulder is preparing another slide show, this time thankfully using Moby for a soundtrack. He starts off the slide show on those pesky crop circles that make for cool rock album covers. Scully focuses on her sandwich, noticeably not listening. Mulder realizes he's lost Scully's interest, so he adds, "And I'm not wearing any pants." Only then does she pay attention. You:

A) Expect the Blessed One to rattle off the FBI dress code to remind the Punk he either wears pants at work or at least a Scottish kilt...what clan tartan is 'Mulder' anyway?...

B) Note that this is still a strictly professional relationship and they're just good friends, okay?

C) Are certain this is how the conversation led directly to BED WHERE THEY DID IT! <pant> <gasp>

5) I would love to re-type the entire conversation between Mulder and Scully at this point, but I'm sure I'll run into copyright violations. Just check out Carri K's work archived at Tiny Dancer's transcript site. Essentially, Mulder is disheartened that his partner doesn't want to hunt for crop circles. Scully is unhappy about wasting another weekend when she's got more important things to do, like autopsies and bubble baths (although not at the same time). You are:

A) Damn proud the Blessed Red-head has finally stuck to her guns on this issue! Damn right she deserves a bubble bath!

B) Damn pleased to point out that given the way this is going, this is proof that Mulder and Scully are NOT romantically involved. They're, well, not even good friends at the moment...

C) Damn pleased to point out that Dana and Fox always argue as a way of flirting, so they are indeed going to DO IT TONIGHT BABY! Woo-hoo!

6) I will take these quotes from the transcript (Thanks, Carri, oh and whoever wrote the script...). Scully: "Look, we're always running. We're always chasing the next big thing. Why don't you ever just stay still?" Mulder: "I wouldn't know what I'd be missing." You:

A) "You'd be missing a trout upside the head, you Punk! Now finish your sandwich before it hits the floor!"

B) "They're just good friends! Why won't you accept it?!"

C) "Fox! You'd be missing some great passionate sex! Now take Dana over to your place now and check to see if those bedsprings hold up better than that waterbed!"

7) Scully goes to a hospital to pick up her autopsy reports. A distracted, disinterested blonde nurse hands over a file, all the while tapping her pencil to a particular rhythm. It's the same rhythm, in fact, of the water faucet, the slide projector, and the wheels of a car driving over the Sunshine Skyway Bridge at 14.3 mph. Scully checks the file but notices the x-ray is of another person. She goes back to the nurses' station to report it, but the blonde nurse has left. You:

A) Have already said your peace about blondes and nurses and blonde nurses. Let's not go over that again, shall we?...<mutter> <grumble>

B) Recognize the backbeat. It's the background noise you get on your radio telescope array when you point it at Vega.

C) Know at some point Fox will return from England with a set of little green children from the Land of St. Martin's that he and Dana can adopt, because after all WE KNOW THEY'RE HAVING A RELATIONSHIP! No, not the kids, but Dana and Fox! YES! YES!

8) It turns out that the x-ray Scully had been given belongs to someone she knows, a Dr.Waterson. She heads up to his hospital room, carefully avoiding Waterson's family member by hiding behind last February's issue of Feng Shui Life (Damn. My library doesn't cover that title). When she gets the chance, she walks into the room. Time slows. Scully walks very dramatically. Suddenly, a World War Two era plane dives in, the pilot screaming for God. You:

A) see B)

B) see C)

C) Scream at the cats to get the <expletive deleted> off of the remote control!!! <grr> <hiss> <switch back to proper channel>

9) Waterson's doctor returns and asks to speak to Scully in the hallway. Scully is flustered, especially after the doctor mentions that Waterson spoke of her. Uh-oh. It turns out Waterson was a teacher of Scully's. UH-OH. You:

A) Note the fact that Scully has a thing for older father figures and...and...Skinner, will you stop drooling?!

B) Jump to the conclusion that Waterson's really a good friend...no, really.

C) Aren't fazed in the slightest. After all, the teaser showed us that DANA WANTS FOX! So in this case, Waterson really IS a good friend... 'cause that's ALL he is!!! <triumphant smirk>

10) Scully had hurried back to her apartment to check if crazed manicurists haven't broken in lately. She gets a phone call from Waterson's daughter, Maggie, who's not entirely thrilled to speak to her. Her father learned of Scully's visit and wants her to come back. Scully gets another call coming in. It's Mulder, asking for a favor: a group researching crop circles developed alternate calculations with new data, and he wants Scully to pick up the materials and ship it out to England for him. Scully fades out, listening to the rhythm, before regaining her sense of time and tells Mulder she's going out for the evening. You:

A) Watch that defeated expression cross the Punk's face. HA! Go call the Lone Gunmen. They're NEVER doing anything on Saturday nights!

B) Remain convinced the Lone Gunmen are just good friends...

C) Remain hopeful that the events in this episode's teaser will bear fruit (foreshadowing, natch!), because Dana and Fox ARE GONNA DO IT!!!

11) Scully returns to the hospital, accidentally entering the wrong room, where it seems a tall red-haired woman is leading a prayer service. You want Scully to say:

A) "Sorry. I was looking for the fresh trout freezer."

B) "We're just friends, okay?!"

C) "Sorry. I was just thinking about this guy I work with and how I'll be jumping in bed with him by the end of tonight's episode...Walter! Not you! Stop drooling!"

12) Scully visits her old mentor, Dr. Daniel Waterson. Waterson's daughter leaves the room in anger. Scully and Waterson hold hands while they talk: Waterson looking to renew a past relationship, Scully noting that he still thinks her joining the FBI was a mistake. You note:

A) That it wasn't a mistake. It led to her relationship to her FBI trainer, too!

B) That even with the hand-holding, they're just good friends.

C) That those NoRomos who keep answering B) think EVERYONE'S just good friends. Sheesh!

13) Scully's driving away from the hospital. Mulder calls again, looking to leave the address of the paranormal group with the crop circle data. While on the phone, Scully gets distracted with how traffic is flowing because of the eye-rolling that occurs whenever Mulder brings up this stuff, and almost gets in a car accident. It happens like this: time slows. The rhythm kicks in. That blonde nurse shows up. The soundtrack changes from Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" to Moby's "Sky Is Broken." Then a truck blows by, the same truck that flattened a prostitute in last season's Tithonus. You can tell by that dent. You take this all in and realize:

A) This stuff wouldn't happen if people didn't use their phones while driving!

B) Ray Bradbury's story "The Crowd" got it half-right: at every car accident in the world, there's the same damn blonde nurse!

C) That Dana was okay: like Clyde Bruckman told her, she'll never die! There can be only One! <soundtrack switches over from Moby to Queen>

NOTE: that survey question contains the most cross-references to other episodes, shows, songs, and literary works than any other previous question. Call ESPN Sportscenter! I've got a "Did You Know?" for them!!!

14) Still stunned by the near-miss, Scully does Mulder a favor and visits the home of the Taoist crop circle group. It turns out to be the tall red-headed woman we last saw in survey question 11). Scully wants to wait a minute and catch her breath after her almost-car wreck. The Taoist, Colleen, tells her "...a car accident isn't nothing...in my experience they're often the end results of us not paying attention to something." You add:

A) "Yeah! That something is called a stop light!"

B) "No, really, they're just good friends!..."

C) "And that something is Fox! Go to him, Dana!"

15) Scully is being brusque with Colleen: she wants to get the papers and get going. Colleen remains cheerful and hands over the papers. Scully drops a folder, sighs, and bends over to pick up some pictures. Time slows again. That means something. As she picks up a picture of a crop circle shaped like a heart, you realize:

A) It means Led Zeppelin has another cover shot for a greatest hits album!

B) It means they're just good friends! Why can't you accept that?!

C) It means Gizzie and strong safety John Lynch of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are just good friends! Just seeing if you were paying attention. It also means Dana and Fox are meant for each other! <sigh>

16) Scully gets a call. She hurries back to the hospital to find Dr. Waterson arguing with his doctor over treatment. Scully catches a bit of the disagreement and sides with Waterson on the amount of dosage. The doctor leaves in a huff. Maggie Waterson storms out as well, chewing out Scully for her very existence. Scully wonders how Maggie learned of the affair. It turns out Daniel was sloppy in hiding the evidence: the whips, the handcuffs (and he wondered why Scully went in for the FBI...), the midgets standing in the corner playing accordions, you know, the kinky stuff. But I digress. Daniel had to divorce the missus, piss off his daughter, and move to Washington. Scully, realizing why he moved to D.C., asked him when. When he whispers, "almost ten years ago," you yell back:

A) "WHAT?! Ten years without even trying a phone call?!?! This was your big plan, to wait until you had a heart attack and hope for cosmic forces to draw the Blessed One to your bedside?! This is worse than a ditch! At least the Punk calls when he ditches!!!"

B) "Ten years?! What kind of friend are you?!"

C) "Ten years?! Hah! Any romantic inclinations you have toward Dana are now legally null and void! And best of all, she doesn't have to invite you to her and Fox's wedding!!!"

17) The news freaks Scully out. She starts to cry, and openly wonders why and how she came to this moment, this place, wondering about the life she has and the life that could have been. She leans atop Waterson, listening to his heart. Time slows. Again. This time, though, the rhythm becomes erratic: Daniel's heart flatlines. As Scully screams for a nurse to come help, you:

A) Wonder how the Blessed Skeptic would hold up if she had to guest-star in a crossover episode with "Chicago Hope" where...what? They canceled that show? Oh. We can let Christine Lathi out of the bathroom now...

B) Check your wrist watch. You can...see...time...slowing...down...to...where...

C) Remind Dana she probably just kicked out the equipment's power cord...

18) Scully goes into Take Charge!Mode, ordering the nurses around, gripping the shock paddles, uping the voltage, and generally proving that she can indeed do well in a guest appearance on "Chicago Hope"...uh, in a reunion special or something. Anyway, once they revive a pulse in Waterson, Scully relaxes, at which point you:

A) Serve out some Scully-ritas to the nurses and with a wink say "It's Bro Sean time!"

B) Point out that Mulder and Scully are just good friends...

C) Wonder if this is a good time for Fox to show up with some paranormally-bent wheat stalks and ask Dana if they could...hold hands or something. <sigh>

19) Scully returns to Colleen's house to apologize and indirectly ask for further enlightenment. She waits in the hallway, uncomfortably, as Colleen fondly kisses her female companion Carol goodbye for the day. Scully and Colleen chat: Colleen brings up holistic medicine practices, the need to maintain a spiritual balance to be healthy, and truckloads of high fiber for normal bowel movements. But I digress. Colleen brings up the fact she was once a successful, overworked physicist under a lot of stress professionally and personally: she eventually found herself suffering from breast cancer. She went to a holistic healer who preached spiritual balance, and it helped: Colleen's cancer went into remission. As Scully sips some tea and takes all of this in, you contemplate:

A) If stress and spiritual imbalance explains these nagging heada...<Mulder calls again asking Scully if she's sure she doesn't want to hunt crop circles> A-ha! That's the cause! <trout-slapping of Punks ensue>

B) That, okay, besides the lesbian couple, everybody else on this show are just good friends!

C) If all this denial on the part of the NoRomos will cause them physical ailments...Guys, let it go. If you don't, you'll suffer with facial twitches for the rest of your lives!

20) Scully goes back to the hospital with flowers, only to find an extremely pissed off daughter and Waterson deep into a coma. Dispirited, she walks the streets of D.C.'s Chinatown (which looks suspiciously like Houston), again in slow motion to the rhythm of a Moby song. She spies the blonde hair of that nurse again, and follows it to a Buddhist temple. She kneels and prays. As Scully does this, flashback sequences from the last seven seasons pass the screen. You:

A) Spot the episode where Scully talks to God, and She says "Girlfriend, trout-slap that Punk!"

B) Think Scully and Buddha are just good friends...

C) Recognize most of the flashbacks, but where's the scene of Dana and Fox dancing to an Irish tune from the lost Limerick episode?! Aw, nuts, they forgot to include it!...

21) Scully gets a flash of insight. The next thing we see is a holistic healer standing over Waterson's body trying to "purge" the unhealthy "blocks." Waterson's doctor shows up, extremely pissed that Scully would bring in somebody like this, and argues that only he or family members can decide what's best for the patient. Maggie speaks up, surprisingly in favor of having a healer present. The healer announces, though, that there's not much he can do: Waterson is fading, and all that's preventing him from leaving is some kind of unfinished business. You:

A) Know that unfinished business is to have the oil changed in his car. Or something like that.

B) Are certain that the healer and Dr. Kervorkian are just good friends...

C) Think someone should kick the plug out again...beep bu-dep beeeeeeeeeeeeeepp!

22) Scully has returned to her apartment. Time slows. Again. Will someone fix the <expletive deleted> clock?! Anyway, Scully finds herself back at the hospital. This time, though, she's visiting herself, when she was dying of cancer. It's a dream. She wakes up. When Maggie calls asking her to come to the hospital, you're certain:

A) That it was all a dream...let's go eat ice cream. Cool, dude!

B) That it was all a dream...all a dream...all a dream...<the NoRomo answering this wakes up in on a farm in Kansas surrounded by X-Files characters...with the noticeable distinction of Scully and Mulder dressed up like they were just married>...AAIIEE!

C) That the scream you just heard was the scream of a NoRomo realizing that it's NOT a dream and that Dana and Fox have always been/are/will always be in love! <insert maniacal laughter here>

23) Scully returns to find Waterson revived from his coma, but upset that Scully would bring in a holistic healer: Waterson seems to think alternative medicine is "crap." He's also insisting on re-starting his relationship with Scully, but she backs away. She points out the illness he's suffering is of the soul, caused not by her ending the relationship ten years ago but by his refusal to deal with the pain it caused his daughter Maggie. Scully tells him goodbye, and leaves him with Maggie who seems willing now to talk with her father. You:

A) Cheer the righteousness of the Blessed Red-Head and enjoy the metaphorical trout-slap she just delivered to this No!Phone-Call Punk!

B) Are probably right in thinking Daniel and Dana are just good friends...but not really. They're not even friends now.

C) Cheer the righteousness of the Sexy Red-Head and enjoy the fact that this leaves her entirely free to MAKE OUT WITH FOX! Here comes the events leading to the teaser! Woo-hoo!!!

24) Scully walks out of the hospital. Time slows. She goes past two nuns (Hi, Twee! Hi, SisLens!) and spots that blonde nurse again. She runs up to meet her, but then a crowd walks between them and Scully instead finds Mulder standing there. He'd returned from England with nothing to show but a cap that reads "Stonehenge Rocks!" They smile, and Scully offers to make some tea. You:

A) Are upset that Gillian didn't give Twee or SisLens the opportunity to give a cool one-liner like "We're doing it out of habit" or...or...okay, I'll shush...

B) Are absolutely one-hundred percent convinced they're just good friends! Okay? OKAY?!?!

C) Are absolutely gleeful. YES! YES!

25) Mulder and Scully have returned to Mulder's apartment. It looks like they've been talking for a long while and drunk a lot of tea. They're talking about Scully's experiences of this weekend, of confronting a past and the possibilities another path would have offered. Mulder is stunned Scully talked to God in a Buddhist temple: to him, it's like "saying you're having David Crosby's baby." You:

A) Curse the Punk for his blasphemy. The Blessed One talks to God all the time! It goes like this: SCULLY: "Dear God, please do something about my dumb-ass partner!" GOD: "Okay." Why do you think God keeps dropping holy trout on your head, you Punk?

B) Keep repeating to yourself that they're just good friends drinking tea and talking about God throwing fish at people. Happens all the time.

C) Curse Fox for even suggesting the slight improbability that Dana's carrying David Crosby's baby! Dude, she's supposed to be carrying YOUR baby!

BONUS: They finish talking. Scully starts sleeping on Mulder's shoulder. He tenderly pulls away a strand of hair from her face, draws a blanket over her shoulders, and gets up from the futon so he can get the bed ready for some raunchy hip grinding. The camera pulls over to the fish tank as Moby's song comes up one last time for the evening. The camera focuses on a small statue of Buddha underneath the fish tank. Re-consider the teaser that opened this episode and you can conclude:

A) THAT'S who has been keeping an eye on Mulder's fish! And we thought it was Frohike taking care of Bubbles, Buttercup, and Blossom!...

B) That nothing happened! Scully is going to stay right here on the futon! They're just good friends! THAT'S ALL! NOTHING HAPPENED!

C) That it looks like when Dana and Fox get married it's going to be in a Buddhist temple. And we've finally figured out Fox's religion! He's a Fish worshipper!

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSE member who's at least glad the Blessed One has a life.

B) Then you are a NoRomo sitting in a white padded cell muttering "They're just good friends...just good friends...<uncontrollable facial tic> Just good friends..."

C) Then you are a 'Shipper dancing the Happy Happy Joy Joy dance. And you're dancing in Jack's boots. Whee. Life is good. :-)

WAIT! I just realized something! Remember in Season One, in episode "Tooms"? The Conversation In the Car? Where Mulder said, "If it's tea it's love," and Scully replied, "Must be fate, Mulder. Root beer." That's why they drank tea at the end!!! IT'S LOVE! YES!!!!!!!!!

SQQQQQUUUUEEEEEEEEE.

Purpose of this 'Shipper Survey site: ASSURED.

That is all.