One of the things about the X-Files being a show of the 1990s is how time marches on. This blog started in 2015, more than 20 years after, and so there's a lot of hindsight involved in getting the original 'Shipper surveys reposted. For starters, looking back and recognizing big-name actors before they ever started winning Emmys and Oscars.
This is one of those classic episodes. This is, in fact, the episode Vince Gilligan remembered when it came time to cast someone for the iconic role of Walter White for his own television epic Breaking Bad. As I need to edit this Survey to update for modern times, I may well insert a few Bryan Cranston memes into the half-baked jokes here. Now, to wit:
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey - Drive
1) The episode begins (for the writer at least) with a commercial promoting an upcoming installment of the Donny and Marie Show. Then the scene cuts to a LIVE on-air transmission from FOX Channel 11 out in Nevada, where a high-speed chase is keeping the highway patrol on their toes. They stop the car, but when the try to arrest the driver (Bryan Cranston!) and rescue the woman passenger, the poor woman keeps banging her head against the glass until her head, well, explodes. When the opening credits take over, your primary thought is this:
A) High-speed chases with exploding people, you can deal with. But the Donny and Marie Show?!?!? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo <dies>
B) What's Walter White doing driving outside of New Mexico like this? Anyway, HE is the one who HONKS!
C) This is in Nevada? Hey, doesn't that state have a lenient marriage license policy? After all, you can get an Elvis Impersonator to preside over your wedding, right?...;-)
2) After an Intel commercial where Homer Simpson gets implanted with a chip in the back of his head, the show continues with Mulder and Scully out in Idaho, doing routine work on checking a farmer's recent purchase of fertilizer (as Mulder puts it, "So routine it numbs the mind."). As they look for the paperwork, Mulder spots the news report showing the bizarre death in Nevada. While the agents watch the replay, you realize:
A) That if Homer takes that Intel chip out of his head, he'll get cancer! D'oh!
B) That it was either checking fertilizer bags in Idaho or checking for meth labs in Albuquerque!
C) There's a good chance, because the FBI will be reining in their "dubious" travel expenses, that Dana and Fox will have to share one hotel room on this trip! Yes!
3) Scully finds Mulder near the car just as he's finishing up a phone call. She already knows that Mulder wants to detour to Nevada to investigate that death, but points out that they're being watched closely on this one and any deviation from their routine will get them in trouble. He argues that this routine of hunting down big piles of doo-doo is going nowhere, and besides, they can go to Nevada, be in and out in a day, and "nobody has to know." When he says that, you know:
A) Scully should have learned after five seasons of this sh-t that "nobody has to know" means the bosses will be chewing them out for property damage and body counts again!
B) That every Fox Channel west of the Mississippi is going to catch them on tape and play it over and over again for a new hit show, "When FBI Agents Attack!"
C) That Fox's real excuse is to get Dana close enough to Las Vegas so they can get a quicky wedding presided by an Elvis Impersonator, oh yeah!...<sigh>
4) Our intrepid heroes make it to Nevada, where the driver Crump is under lock and key for carjacking. Scully volunteers to go check the autopsy on Crump's wife, while Mulder agrees to stay and talk with poor guy, whom the audience noticed earlier is starting to nosebleed and scream in terror. When this happens, you:
A) Notice that it's Scully initiating the ditch this time, beating the Punk to the punch
B) Know they won't see each other for another 38 minutes and 40 seconds
C) Realize they're both politely ditching one another, courtesy of 'Shipperdom's favorite writer Vince Gilligan (so don't forget his new movie - for 1998 - Home Fries starring Drew Barrymore and Luke Wilson, the Sheriff Bucktooth from "Bad Blood"!)
5) Scully goes to follow up on the autopsy with the local pathologist, who notes how the poor woman died: one side of the head blown away as an exit wound, but no sign of an entry wound, like something was already inside her. Scully notices something unusual in what's left of Mrs. Crump's inner ear. As she starts poking at it, you scream:
A) "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
B) "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
C) "Uououououououououo!" <there are some type of screams that involve the letter 'I', but we'll save that for later>
6) While Scully learns too late not to pick at things like that, Mulder follows after Crump, now suffering from a seizure of some sort and getting placed in an ambulance. Scully goes into In-Charge! Mode setting up a quarantine in the morgue, getting word that another body had been found and assuming whatever killed Mrs. Crump is communicable. She calls Mulder, warning him of the quarantine and warning him to isolate Crump ASAP. She specifically warns Mulder not to see the guy. As she says that, you realize:
A) That the Blessed Skeptic should have learned by now that Mulder is always in it up to his ears by the time she tries to warn him...
B) That every warning about Bryan Cranston characters never get heeded UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE...
C) That it was sweet of Dana to call and warn Fox, but next time, hon, try it before he's taken hostage, okay?
7) Guys, you gotta be quick with the pause button: Scully flashes her phone number on the screen. You're pretty sure it's:
A) (202) SNT-DANA
B) (900) FBI-SEXY
C) (202) MAR-RYME ext. FOX
8) Well, actually, her number's (202) 555-0166, but meanwhile she's learned Mulder has been taken hostage and forced to drive Crump westward. She plans with the local law enforcement to set up a roadblock with people from CDC to quarantine the two, but Crump calls in demanding the chasing police cars pull back. The cars do pull off pursuit, but when someone dials Mulder's cell phone, Crump angrily tosses it out the window. As Mulder freaks out, you realize:
A) That it had to be Scully calling, and even the Punk knew this time he needs her to save his Speedo-wearing butt!
B) That it's not really Crump. It's Heisenberg, and everyone's got to play the game his way now!
C) That Fox really needs to hear Dana's voice from time to time, aw, isn't that romantic? <sigh>
9) When Mulder slows down the car, Crump freaks out and gets sicker. Mulder's intuitive skills kick in and he hits the accelerator, watching as Crump's condition improves. He realizes that this is what happened to Crump's wife, if you slow down you die. "I think I saw this movie," mutters Mulder, and you guess the movie he saw was:
A) Playing God...no, that's if you star in a cruddy movie, your career dies...
B) It wasn't a movie! It was an acclaimed five season Emmy-winning series on AMC!
C) Godzilla 2015! Well, it could work as a date movie for Dana and Fox!
10) Scully finds out that they've avoided the roadblock, hinting that Mulder has learned of something. She gets a call, and hey, it's from her new boss AD Kersh, who asks how it's going in Idaho, with the addendum "Think carefully." Realizing that the "nobody will know" promise from Mulder is now out the window (along with the cell phones), she admits that they had gone to Nevada because of this case they felt needed investigating. Kersh calmly promises to await the report and offers the nearest field office for support, but he makes it clear Mulder is going to get chewed up and spat out for this one. As Scully ends the phone call with one of her patented "oopsies" look, you:
A) Notice, after she makes an intuitive guess that the victims are connected by location, that it's always after getting chewed out by her bosses that Scully does her best thinking.
B) Realize Kersh must be watching the show, because he learned Scully's phone number the same time the rest of us guys did (expect that phone to ring non-stop for the rest of the episode!)
C) Know full well that Dana REALLY wants to see Fox alive more than Kersh does! <protective grumbling>
11) Meanwhile, Mulder and Crump are happily exchanging recipes for bundt cakes... Crump, who's not exactly enjoying this day, insists when Mulder calls him Crump he put "Mister" in front of it. He then snarls if Mulder's a Jewish name. Mulder growls back "That's Mister Mulder, you peanut-picking bastard." As the audience learns this is going to be one of those fun family drives, you:
A) Know that if Scully was driving, she'd growl, "That's Miss Scully, you <many and varied expletives deleted>" because as Sister Autumn points out so often, Our Little Sailor's background as a Navy brat has exposed her to the best selection of four-letter, eight-letter, and twelve-letter vulgarities on the seven seas!
B) Realize Bryan Cranston is going to put that gun to Mulder's head and growl. "Say... My... Name..."
C) Wonder if Dana's going to ask Fox about that bottle-smashing bit in Jewish weddings...better yet, if he can demonstrate it <deep sigh>
12) After an exciting commercial for Puppy Chow, the show resumes at night at the Crump residence. Bathed in a fog-filled moonlit light, Scully leads a team of Disease Control staffers into a potential hot zone. They find a dog, agitated and constantly barking as it runs back and forth on its leash. As the team tries to subdue the dog to see if there's any infestation, you:
A) Would think someone from a dog family like Scully would just let the poor thing be...
B) Know that dog ain't working himself up for some Puppy Chow! :(
C) Scream "NOOO! Not the poor puppy! Don't! No, don't...." <ick> "Oh, not the poor doggie..." :( :( :( :( :( :(
13) After the poor puppy incident, Scully and the team leader for CDC discuss what diseases can affect both dogs and humans. She spots a light in the distance and notes the Crumps might have neighbors. She enters the far trailer, using her extra-powerful Super-Flashlight (for you Brits, the Super-Torch) to examine the clutter and carnage. She spots some dead tweety-birds, proving whatever kills here doesn't discriminate, and moves toward a still human figure in a chair. As Scully gets closer and closer, you:
A) Notice the lady is watching this weird sitcom about teenage boys driving their crazy parents even crazier, including a bumbling dad who moonlights as a meth cook.
B) Thank God the FBI finally re-issued those big flashlights to our intrepid heroes...I mean, those dinky little lights couldn't generate an INCH of fog-cutting beam, and these are so much more cooler!
C) Go ahead and scream that "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" scream when the old lady jumps up.
14) Scully ponders what could kill almost everything within a mile radius yet leave a deaf woman intact. Realizing it's not a virus they're fighting but something to do with the aural tracks of the ear, Scully takes off her helmet and listens for a sound. When a beeping noise suddenly chirps up, you realize:
A) That, damn, this girl is GOOD...
B) It's a bell, someone keeps ringing a bell, this old guy sitting in a wheelchair with a bomb strapped to th... OMG DUCK (explosion).
C) It sounds like the wake-up beeper Dana and Fox have back at the hotel room they're sharing!
15) Mister Mulder and Mister Crump take a few minutes to talk. Crump rants against the government conspiracy he's certain has used him and his wife like guinea pigs. He points out it's no way to treat a man, to take away his dignity like that, that it would be better just to kill him, that's all he's saying. Mulder points out that they'll find a way out of this. Crump nods but notes they have to hurry, "There's not much West left." As they pass a Welcome sign for California, you realize:
A) That this sign is yet another dig from the producers about moving the show to L.A. You Vancouver-hating bastids...it ain't right to take the dignity of a Canadian town like that, man...
B) This is the acting bit Bryan used for his Walter White audition, wasn't it!
C) That Crump is hinting at the treatment Fox is getting from his FBI superiors, a metaphor of how men struggle against the injustice of a cruel and chaotic universe... But Fox may have this consolation to carry with him in the darkness, that the bond between him and Dana, the bond of Lo...well, the bond of Trust, will yet save him!
16) Scully goes to a nearby Navy base, home of the Seafarer communications system, to find out about that humming box in the Crumps' backyard. The Navy lieutenant who comes to speak with her assumes she's from the FCC and apologizes for the power surge that disrupted TV signals. As Scully bluffs her way into finding out more, you note:
A) That Scully's got to work on her hemming and hawing when she bluffs, otherwise the Punk is going to beat her at seven-card-stud every time they play poker
B) What is it with these military guys? First it's that private who didn't know his phone from his butt in the "Fight the Future" movie, now it's this Navy idjit who can't spell between FCC and FBI!
C) Dana and Fox are both really bad at bluffing because they keep throwing their games when they play strip poker <wicked and hopeful grin>
17) Mister Mulder wakes up Mister Crump, warning him that the California Highway Patrol is pulling up on them. You respond:
A) With a "Hey! Dad! 'CHiPS' is back on the air! Ponch and Jon, rolling on!"
B) With a "Hey! Is that a Hello Kitty phone from Saul Goodman's office?"
C) With a "Hey! Dana and Fox are finally going to talk with each other! Finally! Let's hope they say the 'Trust' word about five times!" <sigh>
18) With a replacement phone in Mulder's possession, Scully tells Mulder her theory: the power surge through the Navy's Seafarer project, used to communicate with subs, somehow created ELFs, low-level radio frequencies which have been known to cause biological changes. It's possible those frequencies altered the Crumps' bodies to create their own frequencies, causing pressure to build in the inner ear to the point that it explodes. As Mulder winces while Scully describes how she might be able to save Mister Crump, you respond to the screen:
A) "Uh, Mister Crump, when you suggested that someone was sticking it to you, you didn't really want it to be in your ear, did you?"
B) "Oh great. Throw all this on top of Walt's medical bills why don't you? HE'S JUST GONNA COOK MORE METH THAN EVER..."
C) "Wow, this must be serious...Dana and Fox didn't flirt at all during the phone conversation..."
19) They make it to the end of the West. The camera rises over the hill as the car passes, the Pacific Ocean in view. Scully has her needle ready, waiting for the car to pull up. As it does so, you realize:
A) That Mulder didn't stop the car in front of her but right at the ocean's edge, meaning Mister Crump didn't make it...and that the Punk is going to get all angsty on us again...:(
B) That they could have filmed the Pacific Ocean from Vancouver...but Nooooo, they had to actually do it in California this time! <mutter> <grumble>
C) That Fox is going to need some serious hand-holding...once he's done taking care of that business he mentioned to Dana a little earlier...
20) Mulder and Scully have returned to D.C. AD Kersh is reviewing their expenses. Mulder curtly interrupts, knowing how little a deal this really is. "Are we done here?" Mulder continues, wondering aloud if they have to go back to grunt work hunting down big piles of manure. "You can always quit," notes Kersh, nailing home the point of the episode. Mulder silently walks out. Scully tries to defend Mulder noting he's been through a lot, but Kersh points out she apologizes for him a lot. Scully believes that what they did shut down a dangerous military operation and may have saved lives. Kersh doesn't see it that way. He reminds Scully that they're not on the X-Files anymore, and the sooner she and Mulder know that, the better. As Scully turns and walks out with a "Big piles of manure" under her breath, you conclude with the thought:
A) That the Blessed One does seem to apologize for the Punk a bit too much, but hey, that's the forgiving nature of the Saint, ya?
B) That if they're not on the X-Files anymore, why call the show by that title? Why not change it to "Breaking Malcom In the Middle" or something? WHADDA YA MEAN THAT WILL BE TAKEN?
C) That Kersh didn't mention the extra cost of two hotel rooms...so did that mean they shared one for once? YES!
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who thinks Scully should have gotten on a helicopter, flown it over the speeding car, jump down in an exciting stunt sequence, smash her way in through the roof, and then slam that needle into Crump's ear, saving his life and keeping the Punk from getting all angsty at the end
B) Then you are an X-Phile who wonders if all this could have been avoided if the United States just went with a universal healthcare program that could have treated Walter's cancer... I mean Crump's earache...
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who watched this episode worried that Dana and Fox didn't take an extra minute after the talkdown by Kersh to hold hands... Ever! WILL THEY EVER HOLD HANDS, CHRIS CARTER YOU SADISTIC... (gets told about Season Seven) Okay. Fine. We'll hold out for ONE MORE YEAR...
Showing posts with label guest stars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guest stars. Show all posts
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Friday, January 22, 2016
My finest in free verse: Scully Is A Highlander fanfiction
Just found out one of my olde fanfic stories "Scully Is A Highlander" is referenced on the TV Tropes page under the Crack Fic category!
MY EGO IS SUPERCHARGED NOW!!! Mwhahahahahaha.
So here's a copy of the story from the much-beloved Gossamer archives. PLEASE do visit to read the fanfic!
Good Lord, I wrote this back in 1995?! ...What have I done with my life since then?
Scully Is...a Highlander
by. Paul Wartenberg
INTRODUCTION:
Byers (voice over):
When psychic Clyde Bruckman informed FBI agent Dana Scully that he could
not see her death, she was at first skeptical. But some time later, she
had a near-death experience from which she discovered she was part of a
race of Immortals, those who can never die, except with the loss of their
heads, with holy ground their only sanctuary.
I should know. My name is Byers, one of a group known as the Lone Gunmen,
who have heard rumors throughout history of these Immortals. It is now
our job to record the actions of Dana Katherine Scully as she confronts
the other Immortals to be one of the few who will come to the Gathering,
to claim the Prize and dominion over humanity. Pray that it is Scully, a
Highlander...
Mulder (voice over):
Scully, your family's not Scottish...
Scully (voice over):
Well, it's my high school mascot...
OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE (Queen music plays at full blast. Lots of
close-ups with Scully twirling a sword and cutting off guys' heads.
Mulder is in background, shaking his head and thinking "this show used to
be about aliens...")
AFTER LOTS OF PLOT TWISTS AND BLOODY SWORD FIGHTS:
(Mulder and Scully are riding an elevator up. For a long time nothing is
said. Scully sighs and absentmindedly wipes clean her sword blade on her
sleeve. Mulder shrugs and double checks his gun. It's a slow elevator.)
Scully (Staring forward away from Mulder.):
You don't have to do this.
Mulder:
You're my partner.
Scully:
Yeah, but you've got one life.
Mulder:
And you've got one head. You need all the help you can get.
Scully:
Okay but this time aim straight, clear?
(They go back to standing in silence facing the elevator doors. This is
an incredibly slow elevator. Image starting on the first floor of the
World Trade Center on an elevator where all the buttons are pushed and
you're trying to get to the top floor. Then image the elevator itself is
moving two feet per minute. That's how long this elevator ride is.)
Scully:
Should we have taken the stairs?
Mulder:
Um...oh, wait, here's our floor.
(It takes another two minutes for the doors to open. They step out into
a hallway filled with thuggish extras from "Die Hard," "Darkman," and a
cameo appearence by Richard Kiel with those killer braces.)
Mulder (Busily emptying his gun's clip.):
I've got a problem.
Scully (Cutting the guts out of two bad guys at one time.):
What's wrong?
Mulder:
I've run out of one liners.
Scully:
Just flash your underwear, that should keep the audience's attention.
Richard Kiel:
Hurrrummmmmaggghhhh....
Mulder:
Uh oh. James Bond villain at eleven twenty one o'clock.
Scully (busy):
Stop with the time jokes already, Mulder!
(Kiel bites down on Mulder's gun, chewing it in half.)
Mulder (Shrugs and tosses remains of gun over his shoulder.):
At least I don't have to worry about dropping it...
SMOKE-FILLED ROOM:
(Krugan struts through the room waving his sword in anger as his lackeys
stand around waiting for action.)
Krugan:
I don't get it. All I seek is the Prize. All I seek is total victory.
So why does everyone treat me like a villain?
One Lackey:
Maybe because "Earth 2" sucked big time?
(Krugan swings his sword and cuts off that Lackey's head.)
Krugan (shrugging):
You could be right...
(Camera suddenly swooshes into Krugan's face, indicating he's sensing
another Immortal nearby).
Krugan:
Ahhh, by the pricking of my thumb, something cute, petite and reddish
comes...
BACK TO THE FIGHT:
(Kiel has got Mulder by the throat. Mulder is flailing his arms,
wondering why he didn't do more upper body workouts. Scully succeeds in
dispatching about twelve more bad guys before focusing on Kiel.)
Scully:
Just what do you think you're doing?
Kiel:
Well, I figured if that wimpy lead singer from Fine Young Cannibals can
play a bad guy, then I could show up and...
Scully (holding sword toward them):
Forget it, Kiel. Your time's gone. Nobody even realized that was you in
`Pale Rider.' Just...just, shoo. Go away.
Kiel (dropping Mulder to the ground):
Well, I...I, gee...<sniff> <sniff> when you put it that way...well, gee...
(Kiel walks away in tears. Mulder coughs and rubs his throat.)
Mulder:
That wasn't necessary, telling him off like that.
Scully (putting the sword back under her trenchcoat):
Well, it was the truth.
Mulder:
No it wasn't.
Scully:
Yes it was.
Mulder:
No it wasn't.
Scully (pulling the sword back out):
YES it was!
Mulder (thinking it over):
Y'know, arguing with you isn't as much fun anymore.
SMOKE FILLED ROOM:
(Krugan and the Lackeys are all waiting, facing the door for Scully to
enter.)
Krugan:
Now remember, her head is mine!
Lackey Number Two:
But what about the rest of her?
(Krugan whacks the head off Lackey Number Two.)
Krugan:
That...was rude.
(Door opens and Mulder walks in.)
Mulder:
Oh, hi guys. She'll be along in a minute. In the meantime, you're
supposed to chase me around and try to beat me senseless.
Lackey Number Three:
That's what happened to you the last three episodes.
Mulder (Shrugging):
Okay, so I've got a great stunt double.
(Mulder starts running around the room, but nobody chases him.)
Lackey Number Four:
Gee, I dunno, it's not right to waste time on an unnecessary chase sequence.
Lackey Number Three:
Yeah, I know. If we were driving cars or something it would make sense,
but this...
Krugan (Getting impatient):
Will you just do it?! Jeez, I coulda gotten better lackeys from the
`Batman Forever' movie...
(Lackeys shrug their shoulders and half-heartedly chase after Mulder. A
few minutes later, Scully walks in, sword ready.)
Krugan:
Ahh. At last. There Can Be Only One.
Scully:
The Truth Is Out There.
(They sword fight. The battle moves across the room. Meanwhile, Mulder
suddenly breaks out into a dance routine, which catches the lackeys by
surprise. Mulder uses the moment to pull some curtains from a nearby
window on top of the lackeys.)
Lackey Number Four:
Oh dear. Caught again.
Lackey Number Three:
He was much too clever for us, by Jove.
(Scully and Krugan are still fighting. Even though Krugan is slowly
winning, Scully is still smiling.)
Krugan:
Why are you smiling?
Scully (Suddenly knocking his sword from him):
Because I know my show is still on the air, you idiot.
(Scully swings, cuts his head off. Lights go out, lightning surges
across the room, furniture explode into flame, lions lie down with some
lambs, Mike Milken ends up back in jail, Florida wins its game against
Nebraska, Tampa Bay Bucs make the playoffs and all is made right in the
world .)
Scully:
Cool.
(Connor McCloud of the clan McCloud strolls into the room.)
Highlander:
Hey! I was supposed to kill Krugan, not you.
Scully:
Look, if they can screw around with continuity in those godawful movie
sequels you did, then I can change the storyline so that I get the Prize.
(Scully swings her sword. McCloud loses his head. Some more special FX
occurs. Mulder walks in as the energy subsides.)
Mulder:
Okay, can we go back to hunting aliens now?
Scully:
Aliens? There's no such things as aliens.
Mulder:
Scully...
(Scully raises her sword.)
Mulder (realizing who's in charge now.):
Oh, you're right. I should try to be more skeptical from now on, O
beautiful and intelligent federal agent person.
Scully (Smiling):
It's great when I win an argument, you know.
(Mulder rolls his eyes. They leave the room.)
THE END
Okay. X-Files and X-Files characters are owned by Chris Carter & Co.
Highlander characters are based on work by Gregory Widen (did I get his
name right?). Richard Kiel needed the work.
And of course, I realize absolutely everybody who were X-Files/Highlander
fans came up with their own stories about how Scully was an Immortal
after that throwaway line in Clyde Bruckman was uttered. But this one IS
MINE! MINE DO YOU HEAR ME!?!? Bhwa-ha-ha-ha! (Um, unless somebody sues
me, in which case Sheryl Martin or Peggy Li gets the credit.)
MY EGO IS SUPERCHARGED NOW!!! Mwhahahahahaha.
So here's a copy of the story from the much-beloved Gossamer archives. PLEASE do visit to read the fanfic!
Good Lord, I wrote this back in 1995?! ...What have I done with my life since then?
Scully Is...a Highlander
by. Paul Wartenberg
INTRODUCTION:
Byers (voice over):
When psychic Clyde Bruckman informed FBI agent Dana Scully that he could
not see her death, she was at first skeptical. But some time later, she
had a near-death experience from which she discovered she was part of a
race of Immortals, those who can never die, except with the loss of their
heads, with holy ground their only sanctuary.
I should know. My name is Byers, one of a group known as the Lone Gunmen,
who have heard rumors throughout history of these Immortals. It is now
our job to record the actions of Dana Katherine Scully as she confronts
the other Immortals to be one of the few who will come to the Gathering,
to claim the Prize and dominion over humanity. Pray that it is Scully, a
Highlander...
Mulder (voice over):
Scully, your family's not Scottish...
Scully (voice over):
Well, it's my high school mascot...
OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE (Queen music plays at full blast. Lots of
close-ups with Scully twirling a sword and cutting off guys' heads.
Mulder is in background, shaking his head and thinking "this show used to
be about aliens...")
AFTER LOTS OF PLOT TWISTS AND BLOODY SWORD FIGHTS:
(Mulder and Scully are riding an elevator up. For a long time nothing is
said. Scully sighs and absentmindedly wipes clean her sword blade on her
sleeve. Mulder shrugs and double checks his gun. It's a slow elevator.)
Scully (Staring forward away from Mulder.):
You don't have to do this.
Mulder:
You're my partner.
Scully:
Yeah, but you've got one life.
Mulder:
And you've got one head. You need all the help you can get.
Scully:
Okay but this time aim straight, clear?
(They go back to standing in silence facing the elevator doors. This is
an incredibly slow elevator. Image starting on the first floor of the
World Trade Center on an elevator where all the buttons are pushed and
you're trying to get to the top floor. Then image the elevator itself is
moving two feet per minute. That's how long this elevator ride is.)
Scully:
Should we have taken the stairs?
Mulder:
Um...oh, wait, here's our floor.
(It takes another two minutes for the doors to open. They step out into
a hallway filled with thuggish extras from "Die Hard," "Darkman," and a
cameo appearence by Richard Kiel with those killer braces.)
Mulder (Busily emptying his gun's clip.):
I've got a problem.
Scully (Cutting the guts out of two bad guys at one time.):
What's wrong?
Mulder:
I've run out of one liners.
Scully:
Just flash your underwear, that should keep the audience's attention.
Richard Kiel:
Hurrrummmmmaggghhhh....
Mulder:
Uh oh. James Bond villain at eleven twenty one o'clock.
Scully (busy):
Stop with the time jokes already, Mulder!
(Kiel bites down on Mulder's gun, chewing it in half.)
Mulder (Shrugs and tosses remains of gun over his shoulder.):
At least I don't have to worry about dropping it...
SMOKE-FILLED ROOM:
(Krugan struts through the room waving his sword in anger as his lackeys
stand around waiting for action.)
Krugan:
I don't get it. All I seek is the Prize. All I seek is total victory.
So why does everyone treat me like a villain?
One Lackey:
Maybe because "Earth 2" sucked big time?
(Krugan swings his sword and cuts off that Lackey's head.)
Krugan (shrugging):
You could be right...
(Camera suddenly swooshes into Krugan's face, indicating he's sensing
another Immortal nearby).
Krugan:
Ahhh, by the pricking of my thumb, something cute, petite and reddish
comes...
BACK TO THE FIGHT:
(Kiel has got Mulder by the throat. Mulder is flailing his arms,
wondering why he didn't do more upper body workouts. Scully succeeds in
dispatching about twelve more bad guys before focusing on Kiel.)
Scully:
Just what do you think you're doing?
Kiel:
Well, I figured if that wimpy lead singer from Fine Young Cannibals can
play a bad guy, then I could show up and...
Scully (holding sword toward them):
Forget it, Kiel. Your time's gone. Nobody even realized that was you in
`Pale Rider.' Just...just, shoo. Go away.
Kiel (dropping Mulder to the ground):
Well, I...I, gee...<sniff> <sniff> when you put it that way...well, gee...
(Kiel walks away in tears. Mulder coughs and rubs his throat.)
Mulder:
That wasn't necessary, telling him off like that.
Scully (putting the sword back under her trenchcoat):
Well, it was the truth.
Mulder:
No it wasn't.
Scully:
Yes it was.
Mulder:
No it wasn't.
Scully (pulling the sword back out):
YES it was!
Mulder (thinking it over):
Y'know, arguing with you isn't as much fun anymore.
SMOKE FILLED ROOM:
(Krugan and the Lackeys are all waiting, facing the door for Scully to
enter.)
Krugan:
Now remember, her head is mine!
Lackey Number Two:
But what about the rest of her?
(Krugan whacks the head off Lackey Number Two.)
Krugan:
That...was rude.
(Door opens and Mulder walks in.)
Mulder:
Oh, hi guys. She'll be along in a minute. In the meantime, you're
supposed to chase me around and try to beat me senseless.
Lackey Number Three:
That's what happened to you the last three episodes.
Mulder (Shrugging):
Okay, so I've got a great stunt double.
(Mulder starts running around the room, but nobody chases him.)
Lackey Number Four:
Gee, I dunno, it's not right to waste time on an unnecessary chase sequence.
Lackey Number Three:
Yeah, I know. If we were driving cars or something it would make sense,
but this...
Krugan (Getting impatient):
Will you just do it?! Jeez, I coulda gotten better lackeys from the
`Batman Forever' movie...
(Lackeys shrug their shoulders and half-heartedly chase after Mulder. A
few minutes later, Scully walks in, sword ready.)
Krugan:
Ahh. At last. There Can Be Only One.
Scully:
The Truth Is Out There.
(They sword fight. The battle moves across the room. Meanwhile, Mulder
suddenly breaks out into a dance routine, which catches the lackeys by
surprise. Mulder uses the moment to pull some curtains from a nearby
window on top of the lackeys.)
Lackey Number Four:
Oh dear. Caught again.
Lackey Number Three:
He was much too clever for us, by Jove.
(Scully and Krugan are still fighting. Even though Krugan is slowly
winning, Scully is still smiling.)
Krugan:
Why are you smiling?
Scully (Suddenly knocking his sword from him):
Because I know my show is still on the air, you idiot.
(Scully swings, cuts his head off. Lights go out, lightning surges
across the room, furniture explode into flame, lions lie down with some
lambs, Mike Milken ends up back in jail, Florida wins its game against
Nebraska, Tampa Bay Bucs make the playoffs and all is made right in the
world .)
Scully:
Cool.
(Connor McCloud of the clan McCloud strolls into the room.)
Highlander:
Hey! I was supposed to kill Krugan, not you.
Scully:
Look, if they can screw around with continuity in those godawful movie
sequels you did, then I can change the storyline so that I get the Prize.
(Scully swings her sword. McCloud loses his head. Some more special FX
occurs. Mulder walks in as the energy subsides.)
Mulder:
Okay, can we go back to hunting aliens now?
Scully:
Aliens? There's no such things as aliens.
Mulder:
Scully...
(Scully raises her sword.)
Mulder (realizing who's in charge now.):
Oh, you're right. I should try to be more skeptical from now on, O
beautiful and intelligent federal agent person.
Scully (Smiling):
It's great when I win an argument, you know.
(Mulder rolls his eyes. They leave the room.)
THE END
Okay. X-Files and X-Files characters are owned by Chris Carter & Co.
Highlander characters are based on work by Gregory Widen (did I get his
name right?). Richard Kiel needed the work.
And of course, I realize absolutely everybody who were X-Files/Highlander
fans came up with their own stories about how Scully was an Immortal
after that throwaway line in Clyde Bruckman was uttered. But this one IS
MINE! MINE DO YOU HEAR ME!?!? Bhwa-ha-ha-ha! (Um, unless somebody sues
me, in which case Sheryl Martin or Peggy Li gets the credit.)
Sunday, December 20, 2015
X-Files: How The Ghosts Stole Christmas 'Shipper Survey
'Tis the season to be cranky, fa la la la phooey.
This wasn't really a fun episode to watch back in the day.
To all the Germans visiting this site during these holidays, apologies for ruiningMithras Festivus Saturnalia for you.
Here goes:
X-Files: How the Ghosts Stole Christmas 'Shipper Survey
SPOILER SPACE for those who think the Ghost of Christmas Future will be played by The Guy Who Will Always Be Known As Doogie Howser
Okay, here we go...
1) Once upon a Midnight Clear-y, while Scully gift-wrapped, weak and weary...there came a beeping gently bleeping on her cellular phone (all right, it ain't Poe, but poetry ain't my gig, you dig?). She drives out to "Somewhere in Maryland" (If it's Crofton, my older brother needs to re-appraise his property value...) on Christmas Eve to find Mulder staked out in front of a condemned home. You realize:
A) That Scully isn't out caroling with her mother like she's supposed to! Damn it! When is Sheila Larken going to make her mandatory appearance this season so she can call Mulder "Fox"?!?!
B) That "Somewhere in Maryland" doesn't cut it for your rabid X-Phile, who'll most likely chart the location according to stellar cartography, time of day, nautical measurements, and determine the exact location to be...Vancouver?!...whoops, didn't carry the two on that longitudinal calculation...
C) That it would have been so much easier on them if Fox had swung by Annapolis to pick up Dana at her mother's ("Hi, Fox!" "Mrs. Scully, PLEASE stop calling me that!...") before driving to this...quaint bed and breakfast...
2) Scully wants to know what the hell is going on. "Mulder: Stakeout. Scully: On Christmas Eve? Mulder: It's an important date. Scully (borderline ticked-off): No kidding." Mulder wants a stake-out on this house on Christmas Eve. Scully complains that she's got an early morning with her family at 0600 hours and that she's got some wrapping to finish up. As Mulder spies at the back of her car, spotting all the presents already wrapped, you realize:
A) That the Blessed One has been caught fibbing! <gasp> Oh My God, now she DOES have something to confess to her priest!...<hang head in shame>
B) That Scully quite simply isn't in the mood to house-shop...she's comfortable with her new apartment in Georgetown as is...<shrug> <writer of survey is home-shopping though, so where's them classifieds?>
C) That this is Dana's subtle way of saying she wants to sit at her mom's house in front of the Christmas tree...sipping warm tea...with Fox...under the mistletoe...<wink> <wiggle eyebrows>
3) Scully does her best to avoid temptation, but the next thing you know she's sliding into Mulder's car wanting to know what the big deal is about an abandoned house. Mulder says it's not abandoned, that the former occupants are returning, and thereby hangs a tale. Scully quickly realizes this is a haunted house and Mulder wants her to go "ghost-busting." As he tells a tale of young lovers seeking to escape the horrors of war and plague in 1917, you note:
A) That there's a trout-shaped package in Scully's backseat that she should give to the Punk now for getting her out in the middle of Andover and locking the car doors on her all with this warped desire to chase ghosts...
B) That "ghost-busting" is a trademark owned by Dan Ackroyd and various other suits in Hollywood, and you'll be sure CC will be hearing from their lawyers in the morning
C) That this idea of a lovers' pact doesn't sound so great... why didn't that ghostly couple go to Vegas for an Elvis wedding like Moose and Squirrel are supposed to?...
4) Scully doesn't buy it. Mulder, slightly disappointed that she doesn't believe in ghosts, gets out of the car and goes to enter the gothic house alone. Scully, at first worried Mulder should have somewhere else to go, tries to talk herself into not following him ("I'm not going to do it. My New Year's resolution."). But as she pats her jacket for her car keys, you wonder:
A) Whether or not the Blessed One will have to seriously kick the Punk's ass for taking her car keys
B) Why Scully doesn't believe in ghosts after five years and a half years of doing this show...and not only that, but Ahab and Missy are bound to be spinning in their graves...
C) Why Dana just doesn't invite Fox over to her mom's house...Bill and his family are staying at a hotel, so nobody's feathers will be ruffled tonight as they sit by the fireplace humming "Winter Wonderland" and looking up at the mistletoe and... <phone rings. Writer: "Oh, hi, Mary. No, I do not have a mistletoe fetish!... and by the way, do you need those research papers back for grading?... Oh, the students flunked anyway...Sorry about that...">
5) Scully storms into the house after Mulder, asking if he took her car keys. He says no, and then the doors slam shut as lightning strikes through the fog-filled hills of Bowie, MD. At this point, you:
A) Know the Punk is lying through his teeth, and he's got the Lone Gunmen outside operating a dry ice machine and strobe lights/sfx equipment all in some elaborate hoax to scare the Blessed One into a false confession that she Believes... but it won't work!
B) Scream, hide under the sofa, and rediscover all those Canadian quarters you keep getting in the vending machines instead of real American coinage like you're supposed to when you get change back from soda machines! I mean, I can't trade those Canadian coins back for American quarters! It's a bloody rip-off! I hate getting the wrong change, dammit! I hate it I hate it I hate...<writer gets tackled by medics> <they give tranq injection> <writer smiles, becomes calm> <sings> Oh, the weather outside... is frightful... hmm-hm-hmm-hm-delightful... la-da-la-la-la-da-da, let it snow let it snow let in snow...
C) Hope this bed-and-breakfast has a nice downy-filled mattress that Dana and Fox will find warm and cozy... <deep sigh>
6) They're locked in the house. There's noises upstairs, chains rattling, floors creaking. Scully sees a shadowy figure during the flash of lightning. And there's something about that grandfather clock... You take this all in and:
A) Wait for Scully to state one of her "Scully Rational Explanations" (trademark pending) to convince Mulder to help her kick the damn doors down!
B) Recognize the grandfather clock from an episode of "Hart To Hart"! This is what happens when you move your production to L.A.! You keep seeing the same rock formation in the desert again and again and again and...but I digress...
C) Wonder why the camera hasn't spotted that mistletoe in the foyer yet... <phone rings> <Writer: "Nancy? Yet Another Nancy? Hey, how are...no, look, it's Christmas. I have to write about mistletoe. It's not a fetish, okay???...">
7) As expected, Scully hauls out her SRE (note: oh, to the newbies, this stands for Scully Rational Explanation). I'd write it down, but I wouldn't finish it until Easter. To wit, we react to the potential horror of haunted houses because the concept of such is so ingrained into our collective consciousness. Ghosts reflect not the reality of an afterlife but the Living's desire to believe in some form of immortality. Mulder doesn't hear a word of it, which leads you:
A) To want Scully to turn on the lights in the house, use the clock to smash open the doors, get in her car, hot-wire the ignition, and drive home to be with people who actually listen to what she has to say
B) To stop using an Ouija board to contact the dead, since that doesn't seem to work, and use something else that would attract those spirits that are young and immortal... something like Pictionary!...
C) To count all the words Dana uses that connotes sexual imagery... hmm, I count nine! <sigh>
8) A door (once locked) squeaks open. "Tell me you're not afraid," whispers Mulder. Yes, Scully whispers back, "I'm afraid... but it's an irrational fear." You:
A) Note that, as the Blessed One is showing us, there is no weakness in being afraid... there is, however, a serious problem of hanging out with Punks that keep getting you in trouble!...
B) Recite the "I will not Fear" speech from "Dune"... "Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will go out to a bar, actually approach cute women, flirt with them, ask for their phone numbers. And if they throw drinks in my face, I will wipe it off before it spills onto my pants. But I will not fear."
C) Want Fox to comfort her by holding Dana close and answering, "Let that feeling you feel be not fear, but hope... and trust... <smooch> and love..." <after he kisses her, then you can swoon>
9) They enter a room, a library (Hey! My kind of haunted house :-)) of sorts where Scully notes how the lights are turned on, and that there's a log on the fire. Someone, squatters perhaps, has moved in here. Mulder openly wonders why anyone would want to be in a house that's cursed. As Scully grouches, "It's not enough that it's haunted? It has to be cursed?" you shout at the screen:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) "WHAT? Couples die here on Christmas Eve?! NOW YOU TELL US?! Head count, buddy! One gal, one guy equals one couple! Fox, you BLEEPING Punk!"
10) Mulder notices something about the floorboards, and Scully turns to notice the stairs to the upper floor of the library is gone. She turns back to see Mulder doing that "Spooky-Face-with-a-flashlight gag." She screams, and you scream:
A) "Shoot him!"
B) "Shoot him!"
C) "Kiss him, then shoot him!"
11) They lift up the floorboards to find a dead body, then Mulder spots another one next to it. Scully suddenly notices how the dead woman is wearing her clothes...and that the dead guy is wearing Mulder's outfit. As they put two and two together, you:
A) Relish the fact that there are other women who emulate the Enigmatic One's fashion style... uh, that IS another woman under the floorboards, ya?...
B) Wait for them to calmly and quietly place the wooden pieces back where they belong before running the HELL OUT OF THERE!
C) Wonder if the bodies were holding hands...<sigh> What a way to go-go...
12) They try to run for it, but they keep stumbling into the same room. They figure on splitting up to see if either room leads to a way out, but they wind up getting separated when the door closes between them. You:
A) Suffer a post-traumatic flashback to an episode of Scooby-Doo that had the same stunt as this
B) Task the two for separating like that: Rule #2 of Haunted Houses specifically states "You must never split up with the group to investigate a darkened room all by your lonesome."
C) Worry that Dana and Fox will never get a chance to break Rule #1 of Haunted Houses: "Never have sex." :(
13) Mulder shoots the lock on the door only to find a brick wall now between himself and Scully. Then, the door at the other end of the room opens, and...Ed Asner walks out?! This leads you to picture:
A) Alan Alda showing up later as a Conspiracy figure known as "Korean War Doctor Who Has Nightmares About Losing His Arms Man"
B) Shannon Doherty showing up as Bitchy, uh, Witchy Woman... oh, wait, can they afford a cross-over episode like that?...
C) Pope John Paul II as himself blessing Fox and Dana's wedding... well, rule is you hold the wedding in the bride's church, and if Dana's Catholic, then bring in the head honcho to do a job this important, ya?...
14) Ed Asner talks to Mulder about why he's there. Ed describes himself as an expert on behavior relating to the paranormal, and classifies Mulder as a narcissistic, overzealous, self-righteous egomaniac, "you kindly think of yourself as single-minded but you're prone to obsessive compulsiveness, workaholic, anti-socialism... Fertile fields for the descent into total whacko breakdown." He sees Mulder as lonely, chasing "paramasturbatory illusions" and having to trick his own partner into doing things for him. He evens suggests Mulder stole her car keys just to get her inside the house. When Mulder quietly stares back, looking either shocked or guilty, you:
A) Scream, "You DID steal her car keys! You Punk! Shoot him, Scully!"
B) Query, "Paramasturbatory? What is THAT? Would that be <explicit bodily function> to an alien sexual partner? Eeeeeeeewwwww..."
C) Weep over the possibility that, yes, Fox does indeed stay home alone instead of going over to Dana's to sit by the fireplace and glance ever so innocently at the mistletoe hanging overhead... <phone rings> <Writer: "Hi, Zod, I was expecting your call. No. Look. Mistletoe. Christmas. I have to write about mistletoe, okay? Would you prefer I have them eat fruit cake, like that's even possible?...">
15) Scully is having a hard time with her door, too, until Lily Tomlin walks into the room. Scully screams, Lily screams, Scully fumbles for her gun, shouting she's a federal agent. Lily asks some questions about why she's there, finding out that they're looking for ghosts, even though Scully doesn't believe in them. Lily mocks Scully for having such a lonely life, hanging around someone just to prove him wrong, that she "can see it in your face. The fear, the conflicted yearnings, a subconscious desire to find fulfillment through another. Intimacy through co-dependency, etc." As Scully gets defensive, you answer:
A) "Scully, no! That was so embarrassing. Let Mulder do the girly screams, okay?..."
B) "Right. Furniture is draped. Having house painted. Sure. That doesn't explain the cobwebs, swirling dust, floating candelabra, dancing brooms, meddling kids and crazy mutt running around, etc."
C) "Hey, more sexual terminology... 'yearning'... 'fulfillment'... 'intimacy'...add words like 'chocolate' and 'cookie dough ice cream' and Dana'll be flying through the roof!..." <wicked grin>
16) Ed Asner joins the ladies, having left Mulder in the other room to walk into brick walls. Scully gets even more antsy and orders them to raise their hands. She then spots a not-so-solid hole through Lily's midsection, and then, worriedly, lifts Ed's hat to see a very-solid hole through his head. As the poor girl faints, you shout:
A) "Scully, no! That was so embarrassing. Let Mulder do the fainting, okay?..."
B) "Head like a hole! Black as your soul! I'd rather die! Than give you control! <repeat twice> Bow down before the...oh, sorry, I'll stop singing...sorry..."
C) "Hey! They are ghosts! Dana's got to believe now! Does that mean she and Fox can finally end all this denial and DO IT?!?!"
17) The show returns to Mulder, who's now busy climbing up to the upper floor to see if he can escape that way. Lily shows up to block his exit. He figures out she's a ghost, and watches as she checks the books on the shelves, pulling them out without touching them, for the one she's looking for... "The Ghosts Who Stole Christmas." Lily asks Mulder why he and Scully are there, and assumes they came this night to fulfill a lovers' pact to kill each other and live (or should that be un-live?) together forever. As she hands Mulder his own gun, offering the temptation of "never being alone again," you:
A) Chuckle, knowing that the Punk couldn't even shoot the broad side of an Area 51 hanger!
B) Shake your head, knowing that the book-moving scene is a rip-off from "Ghostbusters" and that Dan Ackroyd and his suits WILL be calling CC for sure.
C) Worry, knowing that all Dana and Fox really need is a good chat with Mrs. Scully while she serves them hot cocoa (with marshmallows, yum!) while they sit near the fireplace under the mistletoe... <phone rings> <Writer refuses to answer>
18) Now it's Scully's turn, this time with Ed warning her as she awakens that Mulder is crazy, a sad lonely man who brought her out to this haunted house to fulfil some twisted desire, a secret lovers' pact to un-live forever. He even hands her the car keys, offering a chance to escape. Scully, hearing Mulder banging on the door, instead orders the door between them to be opened. Ed opens it, and Mulder steps in with gun blazing. As the scene cuts to commercial, you realize:
A) That if that's really Mulder pulling the trigger and not a ghostly trick, then the Punk is going to get the Mother of All Trout-Slappings once the Big Trout returns from its TOD in Iraq!!!
B) That Scully's going to have to wear Kevlar body armor off-duty too...
C) Hey! Fox didn't steal the car keys after all! Dana, you're not going to have to shoot him like we thought...<BLAM>...oh. Fox! You didn't have to shoot her! She was going to forgive you about the car keys!...
19) Mulder comes in shooting, shouting that this is the only way to end the loneliness. Scully refuses to shoot back, shouting that she doesn't believe Mulder would do this. <BLAM> Mulder finally aims at her and nails her in the gut. She falls to the floor as Mulder notes "Merry Christmas, Scully," and aims the gun at himself. But as the camera turns and reveals it's really Lily using her ghostly powers to trick Scully, you:
A) Curse Lily for not shooting Mulder first and giving Scully a chance to head back to San Diego and visit Det. Kersage again... oh, she's doing that next week?... okay...
B) Knew all along that Mulder wasn't real: C'mon, if he wanted to get back at her for shooting him in "Anasazi" he would have done that in the "Pusher" episode three years ago!...
C) Convince yourself that Fox was really shooting at this bee he saw on Dana's blouse... damn bee!...
20) Now it's Mulder's turn. He comes into the room to find Scully shot. She mutters that she couldn't believe he would do it, that she would...<BLAM> She nails him in the gut. As Mulder falls down, we see it's really Lily on the floor doing her best to trick him. You reply:
A) "Serves you right for stealing her car... oh, wait, he didn't do that. Serves you right for shooting the Blessed One... oh, wait, Lily did that... Oh. Okay. Serves you right for doing that scary-face trick with your flashlight, you Punk! ...That oughta stick..."
B) "Uh-oh. If Skinner and Krycek show up, the Slashers are going to paint bull's-eyes on them too!"
C) "Damn bee! Stop screwing up Dana and Fox's aim!"
21) Somewhere, an old record player plays a nice, sweet Christmas tune. Mulder and Scully crawl into the main hallway, blood trails in their wake. They see each other, aim, decide against it, and bitch to each other about getting shot. As Mulder stops to think, you realize:
A) That the Blessed One has exceptionally good upper-body strength if she's beating Mulder in the race to the doorway out of there
B) That the realtors in Maryland are going to have a tough time selling this property: "Oh, never mind those brownish streaks on the floor, Mr. and Mrs. Smith... and that growling noise in the upper bedroom, well that's just a loose window... that odd stench coming from that bottomless pit in the basement? That's just the neighbors..."
C) That the ghosts, to create a proper romantic mood, should be playing Dana and Fox's love theme... "Too Drunk To F---" by the Dead Kennedys... <romantic punk sigh>
22) Mulder stands up, figuring out the shootings were all a trick. Scully stands up as well, and they silently glance at one another. You know they're thinking:
A) MULDER: Hey, let's go back in and complain about this treatment we're getting. SCULLY: Do that and I'll shoot you for real, you Punk!
B) MULDER: Run? SCULLY: Run. MULDER: Ladies first. SCULLY: Oh, no. Go right ahead. MULDER: I insist. SCULLY: Let's not wait, shall we? We'll run together.
C) FOX: Oh, dear. I'm going to have to make up this Christmas to her. I wonder if I can get some massage oil for her at this late hour... DANA: I know he meant well, but this Eve hasn't turned out right. It's a good thing I bought some erotic incense for him to use later...
23) They run. You:
A) Praise Scully's ability to move that fast in high heels!
B) Clock them at Mach 2, running a little faster than those teenagers in "Rush". Oh, right, haven't uploaded that survey yet.
C) Swear they held hands quick-stepping it down those stairs!
24) It's morning. Mulder is watching "Christmas Carol (no, the Dickens version!)" on TV. There's a knock at the door. He answers it to find Scully, who is noticeably missing out on her family's 0600 meeting at the tree. She wants to confirm none of this night's events really happened. They fret a little: Scully trying to admit she doesn't live to just prove him wrong, Mulder trying to admit he's a bit self-obsessed (okay, paramasturbatory) about his quest, both of them facing up (a little) to their denials. As you wait for it, you wish:
A) That Mulder would make a New Year's resolution not to ditch Scully all the time, to listen to her, to be more supportive and open...in short, to stop being such a Punk!
B) That the next time these two go after ghosts, they wear some body armor.
C) That they spray for bees right now before they kiss, dammit!
25) Mulder, apologizing for earlier saying they shouldn't exchange Christmas gifts, offers a tube-shaped gift to Scully. Scully offers a box-shaped gift to Mulder. They both grin like kids and sit down to open them. As the camera pulls away, you conclude with this thought:
A) "That better not be a Grail, Mulder! She's already got one! It's very nice-a!..."
B) "What the...? What kind of gift is tube shaped? Why did that box rattle like a video cassette? No, don't pull the camera away! We gotta see!..."
C) "Hey, dammit! Fox, you didn't put up any mistletoe!..." <phone rings> <Writer: "OKAY! Yes, I've NEVER kissed under a mistletoe, ALL RIGHT?! So I'm OBSESSED about the idea!...oh, Mom. You just called about the visit this Christmas... Uh, oh, that rant, uh, never mind...">
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who's giving out holy trout blessed in the waters of Scully's bathtub for Christmas...just right for slapping the Punk or Punkette in your life!
B) Then you are an X-Phile who's giving out those plastic alien fetuses in bottles for Christmas... much to the chagrin of your Trekkie friends, who would have preferred a Borg action figure.
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's upset that there wasn't any snow this Christmas episode so Dana and Fox could make snow angels...or any carolers singing bright happy romantic Yuletide tunes...or any cozy fireplace scene sitting on plush rugs drinking warm cocoa...or any mistletoe <phone rings> <Writer: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO">
<singing> And have yourself...a Wicked...Kick-Ass... Christmas... Toooooooooo... ;-)
This wasn't really a fun episode to watch back in the day.
To all the Germans visiting this site during these holidays, apologies for ruining
Here goes:
X-Files: How the Ghosts Stole Christmas 'Shipper Survey
SPOILER SPACE for those who think the Ghost of Christmas Future will be played by The Guy Who Will Always Be Known As Doogie Howser
Okay, here we go...
1) Once upon a Midnight Clear-y, while Scully gift-wrapped, weak and weary...there came a beeping gently bleeping on her cellular phone (all right, it ain't Poe, but poetry ain't my gig, you dig?). She drives out to "Somewhere in Maryland" (If it's Crofton, my older brother needs to re-appraise his property value...) on Christmas Eve to find Mulder staked out in front of a condemned home. You realize:
A) That Scully isn't out caroling with her mother like she's supposed to! Damn it! When is Sheila Larken going to make her mandatory appearance this season so she can call Mulder "Fox"?!?!
B) That "Somewhere in Maryland" doesn't cut it for your rabid X-Phile, who'll most likely chart the location according to stellar cartography, time of day, nautical measurements, and determine the exact location to be...Vancouver?!...whoops, didn't carry the two on that longitudinal calculation...
C) That it would have been so much easier on them if Fox had swung by Annapolis to pick up Dana at her mother's ("Hi, Fox!" "Mrs. Scully, PLEASE stop calling me that!...") before driving to this...quaint bed and breakfast...
2) Scully wants to know what the hell is going on. "Mulder: Stakeout. Scully: On Christmas Eve? Mulder: It's an important date. Scully (borderline ticked-off): No kidding." Mulder wants a stake-out on this house on Christmas Eve. Scully complains that she's got an early morning with her family at 0600 hours and that she's got some wrapping to finish up. As Mulder spies at the back of her car, spotting all the presents already wrapped, you realize:
A) That the Blessed One has been caught fibbing! <gasp> Oh My God, now she DOES have something to confess to her priest!...<hang head in shame>
B) That Scully quite simply isn't in the mood to house-shop...she's comfortable with her new apartment in Georgetown as is...<shrug> <writer of survey is home-shopping though, so where's them classifieds?>
C) That this is Dana's subtle way of saying she wants to sit at her mom's house in front of the Christmas tree...sipping warm tea...with Fox...under the mistletoe...<wink> <wiggle eyebrows>
3) Scully does her best to avoid temptation, but the next thing you know she's sliding into Mulder's car wanting to know what the big deal is about an abandoned house. Mulder says it's not abandoned, that the former occupants are returning, and thereby hangs a tale. Scully quickly realizes this is a haunted house and Mulder wants her to go "ghost-busting." As he tells a tale of young lovers seeking to escape the horrors of war and plague in 1917, you note:
A) That there's a trout-shaped package in Scully's backseat that she should give to the Punk now for getting her out in the middle of Andover and locking the car doors on her all with this warped desire to chase ghosts...
B) That "ghost-busting" is a trademark owned by Dan Ackroyd and various other suits in Hollywood, and you'll be sure CC will be hearing from their lawyers in the morning
C) That this idea of a lovers' pact doesn't sound so great... why didn't that ghostly couple go to Vegas for an Elvis wedding like Moose and Squirrel are supposed to?...
4) Scully doesn't buy it. Mulder, slightly disappointed that she doesn't believe in ghosts, gets out of the car and goes to enter the gothic house alone. Scully, at first worried Mulder should have somewhere else to go, tries to talk herself into not following him ("I'm not going to do it. My New Year's resolution."). But as she pats her jacket for her car keys, you wonder:
A) Whether or not the Blessed One will have to seriously kick the Punk's ass for taking her car keys
B) Why Scully doesn't believe in ghosts after five years and a half years of doing this show...and not only that, but Ahab and Missy are bound to be spinning in their graves...
C) Why Dana just doesn't invite Fox over to her mom's house...Bill and his family are staying at a hotel, so nobody's feathers will be ruffled tonight as they sit by the fireplace humming "Winter Wonderland" and looking up at the mistletoe and... <phone rings. Writer: "Oh, hi, Mary. No, I do not have a mistletoe fetish!... and by the way, do you need those research papers back for grading?... Oh, the students flunked anyway...Sorry about that...">
5) Scully storms into the house after Mulder, asking if he took her car keys. He says no, and then the doors slam shut as lightning strikes through the fog-filled hills of Bowie, MD. At this point, you:
A) Know the Punk is lying through his teeth, and he's got the Lone Gunmen outside operating a dry ice machine and strobe lights/sfx equipment all in some elaborate hoax to scare the Blessed One into a false confession that she Believes... but it won't work!
B) Scream, hide under the sofa, and rediscover all those Canadian quarters you keep getting in the vending machines instead of real American coinage like you're supposed to when you get change back from soda machines! I mean, I can't trade those Canadian coins back for American quarters! It's a bloody rip-off! I hate getting the wrong change, dammit! I hate it I hate it I hate...<writer gets tackled by medics> <they give tranq injection> <writer smiles, becomes calm> <sings> Oh, the weather outside... is frightful... hmm-hm-hmm-hm-delightful... la-da-la-la-la-da-da, let it snow let it snow let in snow...
C) Hope this bed-and-breakfast has a nice downy-filled mattress that Dana and Fox will find warm and cozy... <deep sigh>
6) They're locked in the house. There's noises upstairs, chains rattling, floors creaking. Scully sees a shadowy figure during the flash of lightning. And there's something about that grandfather clock... You take this all in and:
A) Wait for Scully to state one of her "Scully Rational Explanations" (trademark pending) to convince Mulder to help her kick the damn doors down!
B) Recognize the grandfather clock from an episode of "Hart To Hart"! This is what happens when you move your production to L.A.! You keep seeing the same rock formation in the desert again and again and again and...but I digress...
C) Wonder why the camera hasn't spotted that mistletoe in the foyer yet... <phone rings> <Writer: "Nancy? Yet Another Nancy? Hey, how are...no, look, it's Christmas. I have to write about mistletoe. It's not a fetish, okay???...">
7) As expected, Scully hauls out her SRE (note: oh, to the newbies, this stands for Scully Rational Explanation). I'd write it down, but I wouldn't finish it until Easter. To wit, we react to the potential horror of haunted houses because the concept of such is so ingrained into our collective consciousness. Ghosts reflect not the reality of an afterlife but the Living's desire to believe in some form of immortality. Mulder doesn't hear a word of it, which leads you:
A) To want Scully to turn on the lights in the house, use the clock to smash open the doors, get in her car, hot-wire the ignition, and drive home to be with people who actually listen to what she has to say
B) To stop using an Ouija board to contact the dead, since that doesn't seem to work, and use something else that would attract those spirits that are young and immortal... something like Pictionary!...
C) To count all the words Dana uses that connotes sexual imagery... hmm, I count nine! <sigh>
8) A door (once locked) squeaks open. "Tell me you're not afraid," whispers Mulder. Yes, Scully whispers back, "I'm afraid... but it's an irrational fear." You:
A) Note that, as the Blessed One is showing us, there is no weakness in being afraid... there is, however, a serious problem of hanging out with Punks that keep getting you in trouble!...
B) Recite the "I will not Fear" speech from "Dune"... "Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will go out to a bar, actually approach cute women, flirt with them, ask for their phone numbers. And if they throw drinks in my face, I will wipe it off before it spills onto my pants. But I will not fear."
C) Want Fox to comfort her by holding Dana close and answering, "Let that feeling you feel be not fear, but hope... and trust... <smooch> and love..." <after he kisses her, then you can swoon>
9) They enter a room, a library (Hey! My kind of haunted house :-)) of sorts where Scully notes how the lights are turned on, and that there's a log on the fire. Someone, squatters perhaps, has moved in here. Mulder openly wonders why anyone would want to be in a house that's cursed. As Scully grouches, "It's not enough that it's haunted? It has to be cursed?" you shout at the screen:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) "WHAT? Couples die here on Christmas Eve?! NOW YOU TELL US?! Head count, buddy! One gal, one guy equals one couple! Fox, you BLEEPING Punk!"
10) Mulder notices something about the floorboards, and Scully turns to notice the stairs to the upper floor of the library is gone. She turns back to see Mulder doing that "Spooky-Face-with-a-flashlight gag." She screams, and you scream:
A) "Shoot him!"
B) "Shoot him!"
C) "Kiss him, then shoot him!"
11) They lift up the floorboards to find a dead body, then Mulder spots another one next to it. Scully suddenly notices how the dead woman is wearing her clothes...and that the dead guy is wearing Mulder's outfit. As they put two and two together, you:
A) Relish the fact that there are other women who emulate the Enigmatic One's fashion style... uh, that IS another woman under the floorboards, ya?...
B) Wait for them to calmly and quietly place the wooden pieces back where they belong before running the HELL OUT OF THERE!
C) Wonder if the bodies were holding hands...<sigh> What a way to go-go...
12) They try to run for it, but they keep stumbling into the same room. They figure on splitting up to see if either room leads to a way out, but they wind up getting separated when the door closes between them. You:
A) Suffer a post-traumatic flashback to an episode of Scooby-Doo that had the same stunt as this
B) Task the two for separating like that: Rule #2 of Haunted Houses specifically states "You must never split up with the group to investigate a darkened room all by your lonesome."
C) Worry that Dana and Fox will never get a chance to break Rule #1 of Haunted Houses: "Never have sex." :(
13) Mulder shoots the lock on the door only to find a brick wall now between himself and Scully. Then, the door at the other end of the room opens, and...Ed Asner walks out?! This leads you to picture:
A) Alan Alda showing up later as a Conspiracy figure known as "Korean War Doctor Who Has Nightmares About Losing His Arms Man"
B) Shannon Doherty showing up as Bitchy, uh, Witchy Woman... oh, wait, can they afford a cross-over episode like that?...
C) Pope John Paul II as himself blessing Fox and Dana's wedding... well, rule is you hold the wedding in the bride's church, and if Dana's Catholic, then bring in the head honcho to do a job this important, ya?...
14) Ed Asner talks to Mulder about why he's there. Ed describes himself as an expert on behavior relating to the paranormal, and classifies Mulder as a narcissistic, overzealous, self-righteous egomaniac, "you kindly think of yourself as single-minded but you're prone to obsessive compulsiveness, workaholic, anti-socialism... Fertile fields for the descent into total whacko breakdown." He sees Mulder as lonely, chasing "paramasturbatory illusions" and having to trick his own partner into doing things for him. He evens suggests Mulder stole her car keys just to get her inside the house. When Mulder quietly stares back, looking either shocked or guilty, you:
A) Scream, "You DID steal her car keys! You Punk! Shoot him, Scully!"
B) Query, "Paramasturbatory? What is THAT? Would that be <explicit bodily function> to an alien sexual partner? Eeeeeeeewwwww..."
C) Weep over the possibility that, yes, Fox does indeed stay home alone instead of going over to Dana's to sit by the fireplace and glance ever so innocently at the mistletoe hanging overhead... <phone rings> <Writer: "Hi, Zod, I was expecting your call. No. Look. Mistletoe. Christmas. I have to write about mistletoe, okay? Would you prefer I have them eat fruit cake, like that's even possible?...">
15) Scully is having a hard time with her door, too, until Lily Tomlin walks into the room. Scully screams, Lily screams, Scully fumbles for her gun, shouting she's a federal agent. Lily asks some questions about why she's there, finding out that they're looking for ghosts, even though Scully doesn't believe in them. Lily mocks Scully for having such a lonely life, hanging around someone just to prove him wrong, that she "can see it in your face. The fear, the conflicted yearnings, a subconscious desire to find fulfillment through another. Intimacy through co-dependency, etc." As Scully gets defensive, you answer:
A) "Scully, no! That was so embarrassing. Let Mulder do the girly screams, okay?..."
B) "Right. Furniture is draped. Having house painted. Sure. That doesn't explain the cobwebs, swirling dust, floating candelabra, dancing brooms, meddling kids and crazy mutt running around, etc."
C) "Hey, more sexual terminology... 'yearning'... 'fulfillment'... 'intimacy'...add words like 'chocolate' and 'cookie dough ice cream' and Dana'll be flying through the roof!..." <wicked grin>
16) Ed Asner joins the ladies, having left Mulder in the other room to walk into brick walls. Scully gets even more antsy and orders them to raise their hands. She then spots a not-so-solid hole through Lily's midsection, and then, worriedly, lifts Ed's hat to see a very-solid hole through his head. As the poor girl faints, you shout:
A) "Scully, no! That was so embarrassing. Let Mulder do the fainting, okay?..."
B) "Head like a hole! Black as your soul! I'd rather die! Than give you control! <repeat twice> Bow down before the...oh, sorry, I'll stop singing...sorry..."
C) "Hey! They are ghosts! Dana's got to believe now! Does that mean she and Fox can finally end all this denial and DO IT?!?!"
17) The show returns to Mulder, who's now busy climbing up to the upper floor to see if he can escape that way. Lily shows up to block his exit. He figures out she's a ghost, and watches as she checks the books on the shelves, pulling them out without touching them, for the one she's looking for... "The Ghosts Who Stole Christmas." Lily asks Mulder why he and Scully are there, and assumes they came this night to fulfill a lovers' pact to kill each other and live (or should that be un-live?) together forever. As she hands Mulder his own gun, offering the temptation of "never being alone again," you:
A) Chuckle, knowing that the Punk couldn't even shoot the broad side of an Area 51 hanger!
B) Shake your head, knowing that the book-moving scene is a rip-off from "Ghostbusters" and that Dan Ackroyd and his suits WILL be calling CC for sure.
C) Worry, knowing that all Dana and Fox really need is a good chat with Mrs. Scully while she serves them hot cocoa (with marshmallows, yum!) while they sit near the fireplace under the mistletoe... <phone rings> <Writer refuses to answer>
18) Now it's Scully's turn, this time with Ed warning her as she awakens that Mulder is crazy, a sad lonely man who brought her out to this haunted house to fulfil some twisted desire, a secret lovers' pact to un-live forever. He even hands her the car keys, offering a chance to escape. Scully, hearing Mulder banging on the door, instead orders the door between them to be opened. Ed opens it, and Mulder steps in with gun blazing. As the scene cuts to commercial, you realize:
A) That if that's really Mulder pulling the trigger and not a ghostly trick, then the Punk is going to get the Mother of All Trout-Slappings once the Big Trout returns from its TOD in Iraq!!!
B) That Scully's going to have to wear Kevlar body armor off-duty too...
C) Hey! Fox didn't steal the car keys after all! Dana, you're not going to have to shoot him like we thought...<BLAM>...oh. Fox! You didn't have to shoot her! She was going to forgive you about the car keys!...
19) Mulder comes in shooting, shouting that this is the only way to end the loneliness. Scully refuses to shoot back, shouting that she doesn't believe Mulder would do this. <BLAM> Mulder finally aims at her and nails her in the gut. She falls to the floor as Mulder notes "Merry Christmas, Scully," and aims the gun at himself. But as the camera turns and reveals it's really Lily using her ghostly powers to trick Scully, you:
A) Curse Lily for not shooting Mulder first and giving Scully a chance to head back to San Diego and visit Det. Kersage again... oh, she's doing that next week?... okay...
B) Knew all along that Mulder wasn't real: C'mon, if he wanted to get back at her for shooting him in "Anasazi" he would have done that in the "Pusher" episode three years ago!...
C) Convince yourself that Fox was really shooting at this bee he saw on Dana's blouse... damn bee!...
20) Now it's Mulder's turn. He comes into the room to find Scully shot. She mutters that she couldn't believe he would do it, that she would...<BLAM> She nails him in the gut. As Mulder falls down, we see it's really Lily on the floor doing her best to trick him. You reply:
A) "Serves you right for stealing her car... oh, wait, he didn't do that. Serves you right for shooting the Blessed One... oh, wait, Lily did that... Oh. Okay. Serves you right for doing that scary-face trick with your flashlight, you Punk! ...That oughta stick..."
B) "Uh-oh. If Skinner and Krycek show up, the Slashers are going to paint bull's-eyes on them too!"
C) "Damn bee! Stop screwing up Dana and Fox's aim!"
21) Somewhere, an old record player plays a nice, sweet Christmas tune. Mulder and Scully crawl into the main hallway, blood trails in their wake. They see each other, aim, decide against it, and bitch to each other about getting shot. As Mulder stops to think, you realize:
A) That the Blessed One has exceptionally good upper-body strength if she's beating Mulder in the race to the doorway out of there
B) That the realtors in Maryland are going to have a tough time selling this property: "Oh, never mind those brownish streaks on the floor, Mr. and Mrs. Smith... and that growling noise in the upper bedroom, well that's just a loose window... that odd stench coming from that bottomless pit in the basement? That's just the neighbors..."
C) That the ghosts, to create a proper romantic mood, should be playing Dana and Fox's love theme... "Too Drunk To F---" by the Dead Kennedys... <romantic punk sigh>
22) Mulder stands up, figuring out the shootings were all a trick. Scully stands up as well, and they silently glance at one another. You know they're thinking:
A) MULDER: Hey, let's go back in and complain about this treatment we're getting. SCULLY: Do that and I'll shoot you for real, you Punk!
B) MULDER: Run? SCULLY: Run. MULDER: Ladies first. SCULLY: Oh, no. Go right ahead. MULDER: I insist. SCULLY: Let's not wait, shall we? We'll run together.
C) FOX: Oh, dear. I'm going to have to make up this Christmas to her. I wonder if I can get some massage oil for her at this late hour... DANA: I know he meant well, but this Eve hasn't turned out right. It's a good thing I bought some erotic incense for him to use later...
23) They run. You:
A) Praise Scully's ability to move that fast in high heels!
B) Clock them at Mach 2, running a little faster than those teenagers in "Rush". Oh, right, haven't uploaded that survey yet.
C) Swear they held hands quick-stepping it down those stairs!
24) It's morning. Mulder is watching "Christmas Carol (no, the Dickens version!)" on TV. There's a knock at the door. He answers it to find Scully, who is noticeably missing out on her family's 0600 meeting at the tree. She wants to confirm none of this night's events really happened. They fret a little: Scully trying to admit she doesn't live to just prove him wrong, Mulder trying to admit he's a bit self-obsessed (okay, paramasturbatory) about his quest, both of them facing up (a little) to their denials. As you wait for it, you wish:
A) That Mulder would make a New Year's resolution not to ditch Scully all the time, to listen to her, to be more supportive and open...in short, to stop being such a Punk!
B) That the next time these two go after ghosts, they wear some body armor.
C) That they spray for bees right now before they kiss, dammit!
25) Mulder, apologizing for earlier saying they shouldn't exchange Christmas gifts, offers a tube-shaped gift to Scully. Scully offers a box-shaped gift to Mulder. They both grin like kids and sit down to open them. As the camera pulls away, you conclude with this thought:
A) "That better not be a Grail, Mulder! She's already got one! It's very nice-a!..."
B) "What the...? What kind of gift is tube shaped? Why did that box rattle like a video cassette? No, don't pull the camera away! We gotta see!..."
C) "Hey, dammit! Fox, you didn't put up any mistletoe!..." <phone rings> <Writer: "OKAY! Yes, I've NEVER kissed under a mistletoe, ALL RIGHT?! So I'm OBSESSED about the idea!...oh, Mom. You just called about the visit this Christmas... Uh, oh, that rant, uh, never mind...">
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who's giving out holy trout blessed in the waters of Scully's bathtub for Christmas...just right for slapping the Punk or Punkette in your life!
B) Then you are an X-Phile who's giving out those plastic alien fetuses in bottles for Christmas... much to the chagrin of your Trekkie friends, who would have preferred a Borg action figure.
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's upset that there wasn't any snow this Christmas episode so Dana and Fox could make snow angels...or any carolers singing bright happy romantic Yuletide tunes...or any cozy fireplace scene sitting on plush rugs drinking warm cocoa...or any mistletoe <phone rings> <Writer: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO">
<singing> And have yourself...a Wicked...Kick-Ass... Christmas... Toooooooooo... ;-)
Monday, July 20, 2015
X-Files: Beyond the Sea 'Shipper Survey
As threatened, here's a Season One survey of a classic X-Files, and the first one to play with the Skeptic/Believe dynamic between Mulder and Scully: Beyond the Sea!
This is also a notable episode in that a couple of veteran actors from David Lynch productions - Don Davis and Brad Dourif - happen to show up. Due to the production in Northwest US/Vancouver, a good number of alumni from Twin Peaks showed up in the first few seasons of the X-Files. That Duchovny showed up in Season Two of Twin Peaks as a recurring character allowed for a lot of early crossover fanfic between the two shows to take place those early years.
Just to note: as the X-Files are returning, so too is Twin Peaks! Although the details are still a bit murky, the news of Lynch returning to its production can be a good sign.
That said: here's the newly written survey of a Season One episode I just only got around to writing today!
Senseless 'Shipper Survey - Beyond the Sea
1) The episode opens with Scully entertaining two people in her apartment. One of them is, in fact, a refugee from this small Washington state town of Twin Peaks! It's Don Davis, kids! (applause) As Scully salutes the Navy officer as her father, you realize:
A) Scully was a Navy brat? Small world, my dad was Navy too! How many curse words did you learn, Scully?
B) That with this episode getting rehashed due to the X-Files coming back, and because Twin Peaks is coming back, that you all are gonna get a sh-t ton of Lynchian cultural references!
C) This means Dana can arrange a marriage at sea with Fox!
2) Later that cold open, Scully wakes up in her recliner noticing that Don Davis is still in the apartment sitting across from her. He's talking, slowly and with purpose, but there are no words, no voice. The Christmas lights festooning the apartment are blinking in an unusual order. A bottle of beer topples from the counter. The phone rings. This means:
A) The owls are not what they seem.
B) What bottle of beer was that? Heineken!? F-ck That Sh-t! Pabst! Blue! Ribbon!
C) Dana's already figured out who killed Laura Palmer, and she just needs to trust Fox enough to tell him.
3) It turns out Scully's father suffered a heart attack and died during the time she had a vision of him silently trying to tell her something. She's left comforting her mother during the funeral, a burial at sea involving her father's ashes while the song "Beyond the Sea" plays in memoriam. You:
A) Cry for Scully, for she is Highlander and she will not cry so you will cry for her.
B) Try to ignore the dancing cowboy in the distance, because that's not really helping sell this scene Mr. Lynch.
C) Have something in your eye, just hold on... oh the screen's just a little fuzzy right now that's all... sniff... waaaaaaaaaaahh...
4) Oh, by the way, this is the X-Files, so there's a mystery to solve in the form of a kidnapped couple who may be the next victims of a serial killer. The profile points to someone reliving a traumatic childhood accident, and there's a period of time where he tortures the victims before completing the ritual kill. The twist in this case is that a convicted killer on Death Row, someone Mulder just happened to have captured as a Profiler, is claiming to have visions of the kidnapping and is asking for leniency. For once, Mulder isn't buying the psychic vision element. That tells you:
A) That Scully's Skepticism isn't even going to be needed this episode. Hell, why even visit the guy? Let's go find us some clues, jinkies!
B) That Mulder's not going to use the Tibetan Method of throwing baseballs at bottles to determine the spiritual connection of a suspect to the case.
C) That Fox is ignoring how important it would be to Dana to give her a hug after the personal loss she's had. Sniff...
5) The serial killer is interviewed on death row in North Carolina. Look kids! It turns out that Luther Lee Boggs is played by Brad Dourif! (Applause) That means:
A) Our quota of actors with creepy eyebrows has been met this season! Good job to the casting agents!
B) It is by will alone I set my mind in motion...
C) Well, there's not a really 'Shipper moment to be said about this. I *think* Dourif's played romantic figures in a few movies, maybe Billy in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, was that him in Ragtime maybe? That's about it. He's been typecast as unhinged guys so often it's kinda sad...
6) Mulder tricks Boggs into giving up a clue about the victims' whereabouts by using a piece of cloth from his own basketball jersey. Convinced Boggs is faking his psychic power, Mulder leaves the prison cell in a huff. As Scully follows him out, she suddenly notices Boggs is appearing to her as her father, and Don Davis leans over and says "Did you get my message, Starbuck?" You:
A) Scream "AAAAHHHH! OH NO SCULLY'S GONNA BE THE BELIEVER THIS EPISODE! NO FAIR"...
B) Wonder if Dirk Benedict and Katee Sackhoff are gonna sue Gillian for taking their BSG name?
C) Scream "AAAAHHHH! DANA'S REALLY GOING TO NEED A HUG NOW, FOX!"
7) Another attempt to scam Boggs - this time using a fake news clipping about the victims - doesn't get the expected response, but Boggs gives cryptic clues about the location where the serial killer is set to kill the first of the two. Later, Scully is driving around getting lost in Vancouver, uh North Carolina when she spies a statue that fits Boggs' clues. Calling in Mulder and a SWAT team, you're convinced:
A) Scully is just certain this is the place because of her innate rational skills of deduction! Yeah, that's our excuse and we're sticking to it...
B) That flashing neon sign "This Is It" had something to do with it.
C) That we're going to get a rescue mission that will involve trust issues and at least three hand holds!
8) The FBI team is able to rescue one of the kidnap victims before she can be killed, but the serial killer escapes by shooting Mulder, forcing Scully to stay and cradle him to stop his bleeding. You:
A) Really think that SWAT!Scully needs a fight cry. "BATTLE ON!" Yeah, that'll work! :)
B) Worry about the sudden flashback sequence that has Scully imagining herself talking to this elderly couple hiding in a blue box...
C) Are happy that Dana is comforting a Hurt!Fox, but this whole getting-shot-to-create-an-intimate-moment thing better not turn into a common occurance after Season One, okay? OKAY?!
9) An angry Scully goes charging into Boggs' cell: "You set us up! You’re in on this with Lucas Henry. This was a trap for Mulder because he helped put you away. Well, I came here to tell you that if he dies because of what you’ve done, four days from now, no one will be able to stop me from being the one that will throw the switch and gas you out of this life for good, you son of a bitch!" You:
A) Cheer.
B) Cheer.
C) Shout "DANA LOVES FOX!" then cheer.
Note: this must be YouTubed:
10) Boggs morphs into Mulder: "Dana... you're the one who believed me."
A) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
B) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
C) Damn NoRomos!
11) Boggs tries to explain to Scully what happened to him: that his experience on Death Row, going through the first run of an earlier execution attempt had exposed him to the dozens of souls now haunting him. He truly fears now the fate the afterlife has stored for him, and while he accepts that he will die for his crimes he wants some atonement in this world to lessen his coming doom in the next. You take this in and shout back at the screen:
A) "Look not to St. Scully for your absolution, you fiend! Prepare the fresh trout, so that Boggs may be slapped first for his sins!"
B) "It would be better for you to die... in the innards of a Worm! Activate the thumpers! Watch for Wormsign!"
C) "Get back to the hospital and give Fox another hand hold, Dana!"
12) Boggs gives Scully one more clue, and tries to convince her to show up at his scheduled execution in four days by claiming he can pass on her father's last message to her. He also warns her to avoid "the devil". Scully takes the clue and figures out where the killer will attempt to kill the young man he still holds. You figure out:
A) Scully will this time bring enough SWAT guys to cover all exits, destroy all hiding places, and serve some Scullyritas!
B) That the dancing midget singing backwards in the other jail cell would have better cryptic clues! Go ask him!
C) Dana's gonna make it up to Fox by solving this case so they can get on with the post-recovery comfort treatment!
13) The second raid is more successful. Scully chases after the serial killer, who goes running through the abandoned brewery. He hurries into the production area, crossing over on an overhang ramp, and Scully stars to follow but stops herself when she sees the beer company's logo was a devil's face. As the serial killer breaks through weak boards and falls to his death, you note:
A) SWAT!Scully needs to be a thing more often! Work on it, Chris!
B) Told you that beer is for sh-t! PABST! BLUE! RIBBON!
C) Hey, is this gonna be an episode where only the bad guys die?! Good news, that means we won't feel guilty when Dana and Fox have celebratorysex uh hand-holding!
14) It's time for Boggs to face his justice. The souls of his victims silently watch him, and he stares back with genuine fear in his eyes. As he gets strapped down to the chair for the gas chamber, he looks through the witness window to see if Scully would appear so he could deliver her father's message. When he sees... just the priest and the executioner, you realize:
A) Scully didn't buy his bullsh-t story after all! YAY!
B) Boggs' only way out now is to transform into a completely different person, like how that guy who played the President in Independence Day morphed into uh that other guy in prison, so they had to let him go and end up working for Frank Booth's second cousin Dick Laurent!
C) Dana is probably off giving Fox a comfort hug during his recuperation!
15) Scully is at Mulder's bedside, trying to come up with logical explanations about how Boggs' knew her personal details, and how he played on her father's recent death. Mulder, still recovering from the wound, tries to comfort her but asks why she didn't take the next step and get enough evidence to finally Believe. Scully answers, "I'm afraid, I'm afraid to Believe." As the episode ends you reply back:
A) "It's not that you're afraid, Scully, it's that you are contractually obligated to be the Skeptic character for at least five seasons and a movie!"
B) "THE SLEEPER HAS AWAKE... oh, wait, no she hasn't. Never mind. Back to the spice mines, everybody! Nothing to see here..."
C) "EVERYBODY HUG EVERYBODY ELSE RIGHT NOW! WE NEED COMFORT HUGS!"
If you more often than not answered:
A) You're a Scully acolyte bothered by the dynamic shift of Believer/Skeptic this episode and hopes it doesn't happen again.
B) You're a fan of David Lynch movies and television shows who understands exactly what happened in Lost Highway. Yup. Absolutely. Every last frame. Just take my word for it.
C) You're a 'Shipper who saw enough Comforting and Emotional exposure this episode to make you wish for more! MORE! MORE HUGS! MORE HAND HOLDS! MORE BEDSIDE CONVERSATIONS ABOUT BELIEF AND TRUST AND...
What do you think, sirs?
This is also a notable episode in that a couple of veteran actors from David Lynch productions - Don Davis and Brad Dourif - happen to show up. Due to the production in Northwest US/Vancouver, a good number of alumni from Twin Peaks showed up in the first few seasons of the X-Files. That Duchovny showed up in Season Two of Twin Peaks as a recurring character allowed for a lot of early crossover fanfic between the two shows to take place those early years.
Just to note: as the X-Files are returning, so too is Twin Peaks! Although the details are still a bit murky, the news of Lynch returning to its production can be a good sign.
That said: here's the newly written survey of a Season One episode I just only got around to writing today!
Senseless 'Shipper Survey - Beyond the Sea
1) The episode opens with Scully entertaining two people in her apartment. One of them is, in fact, a refugee from this small Washington state town of Twin Peaks! It's Don Davis, kids! (applause) As Scully salutes the Navy officer as her father, you realize:
A) Scully was a Navy brat? Small world, my dad was Navy too! How many curse words did you learn, Scully?
B) That with this episode getting rehashed due to the X-Files coming back, and because Twin Peaks is coming back, that you all are gonna get a sh-t ton of Lynchian cultural references!
C) This means Dana can arrange a marriage at sea with Fox!
2) Later that cold open, Scully wakes up in her recliner noticing that Don Davis is still in the apartment sitting across from her. He's talking, slowly and with purpose, but there are no words, no voice. The Christmas lights festooning the apartment are blinking in an unusual order. A bottle of beer topples from the counter. The phone rings. This means:
A) The owls are not what they seem.
B) What bottle of beer was that? Heineken!? F-ck That Sh-t! Pabst! Blue! Ribbon!
C) Dana's already figured out who killed Laura Palmer, and she just needs to trust Fox enough to tell him.
3) It turns out Scully's father suffered a heart attack and died during the time she had a vision of him silently trying to tell her something. She's left comforting her mother during the funeral, a burial at sea involving her father's ashes while the song "Beyond the Sea" plays in memoriam. You:
A) Cry for Scully, for she is Highlander and she will not cry so you will cry for her.
B) Try to ignore the dancing cowboy in the distance, because that's not really helping sell this scene Mr. Lynch.
C) Have something in your eye, just hold on... oh the screen's just a little fuzzy right now that's all... sniff... waaaaaaaaaaahh...
4) Oh, by the way, this is the X-Files, so there's a mystery to solve in the form of a kidnapped couple who may be the next victims of a serial killer. The profile points to someone reliving a traumatic childhood accident, and there's a period of time where he tortures the victims before completing the ritual kill. The twist in this case is that a convicted killer on Death Row, someone Mulder just happened to have captured as a Profiler, is claiming to have visions of the kidnapping and is asking for leniency. For once, Mulder isn't buying the psychic vision element. That tells you:
A) That Scully's Skepticism isn't even going to be needed this episode. Hell, why even visit the guy? Let's go find us some clues, jinkies!
B) That Mulder's not going to use the Tibetan Method of throwing baseballs at bottles to determine the spiritual connection of a suspect to the case.
C) That Fox is ignoring how important it would be to Dana to give her a hug after the personal loss she's had. Sniff...
5) The serial killer is interviewed on death row in North Carolina. Look kids! It turns out that Luther Lee Boggs is played by Brad Dourif! (Applause) That means:
A) Our quota of actors with creepy eyebrows has been met this season! Good job to the casting agents!
B) It is by will alone I set my mind in motion...
C) Well, there's not a really 'Shipper moment to be said about this. I *think* Dourif's played romantic figures in a few movies, maybe Billy in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, was that him in Ragtime maybe? That's about it. He's been typecast as unhinged guys so often it's kinda sad...
 |
| This is actually one of the saner characters Dourif ever played... |
6) Mulder tricks Boggs into giving up a clue about the victims' whereabouts by using a piece of cloth from his own basketball jersey. Convinced Boggs is faking his psychic power, Mulder leaves the prison cell in a huff. As Scully follows him out, she suddenly notices Boggs is appearing to her as her father, and Don Davis leans over and says "Did you get my message, Starbuck?" You:
A) Scream "AAAAHHHH! OH NO SCULLY'S GONNA BE THE BELIEVER THIS EPISODE! NO FAIR"...
B) Wonder if Dirk Benedict and Katee Sackhoff are gonna sue Gillian for taking their BSG name?
C) Scream "AAAAHHHH! DANA'S REALLY GOING TO NEED A HUG NOW, FOX!"
 |
| every argument is hereby invalid |
7) Another attempt to scam Boggs - this time using a fake news clipping about the victims - doesn't get the expected response, but Boggs gives cryptic clues about the location where the serial killer is set to kill the first of the two. Later, Scully is driving around getting lost in Vancouver, uh North Carolina when she spies a statue that fits Boggs' clues. Calling in Mulder and a SWAT team, you're convinced:
A) Scully is just certain this is the place because of her innate rational skills of deduction! Yeah, that's our excuse and we're sticking to it...
B) That flashing neon sign "This Is It" had something to do with it.
C) That we're going to get a rescue mission that will involve trust issues and at least three hand holds!
8) The FBI team is able to rescue one of the kidnap victims before she can be killed, but the serial killer escapes by shooting Mulder, forcing Scully to stay and cradle him to stop his bleeding. You:
A) Really think that SWAT!Scully needs a fight cry. "BATTLE ON!" Yeah, that'll work! :)
B) Worry about the sudden flashback sequence that has Scully imagining herself talking to this elderly couple hiding in a blue box...
C) Are happy that Dana is comforting a Hurt!Fox, but this whole getting-shot-to-create-an-intimate-moment thing better not turn into a common occurance after Season One, okay? OKAY?!
9) An angry Scully goes charging into Boggs' cell: "You set us up! You’re in on this with Lucas Henry. This was a trap for Mulder because he helped put you away. Well, I came here to tell you that if he dies because of what you’ve done, four days from now, no one will be able to stop me from being the one that will throw the switch and gas you out of this life for good, you son of a bitch!" You:
A) Cheer.
B) Cheer.
C) Shout "DANA LOVES FOX!" then cheer.
Note: this must be YouTubed:
10) Boggs morphs into Mulder: "Dana... you're the one who believed me."
A) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
B) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
C) Damn NoRomos!
11) Boggs tries to explain to Scully what happened to him: that his experience on Death Row, going through the first run of an earlier execution attempt had exposed him to the dozens of souls now haunting him. He truly fears now the fate the afterlife has stored for him, and while he accepts that he will die for his crimes he wants some atonement in this world to lessen his coming doom in the next. You take this in and shout back at the screen:
A) "Look not to St. Scully for your absolution, you fiend! Prepare the fresh trout, so that Boggs may be slapped first for his sins!"
B) "It would be better for you to die... in the innards of a Worm! Activate the thumpers! Watch for Wormsign!"
C) "Get back to the hospital and give Fox another hand hold, Dana!"
12) Boggs gives Scully one more clue, and tries to convince her to show up at his scheduled execution in four days by claiming he can pass on her father's last message to her. He also warns her to avoid "the devil". Scully takes the clue and figures out where the killer will attempt to kill the young man he still holds. You figure out:
A) Scully will this time bring enough SWAT guys to cover all exits, destroy all hiding places, and serve some Scullyritas!
B) That the dancing midget singing backwards in the other jail cell would have better cryptic clues! Go ask him!
C) Dana's gonna make it up to Fox by solving this case so they can get on with the post-recovery comfort treatment!
13) The second raid is more successful. Scully chases after the serial killer, who goes running through the abandoned brewery. He hurries into the production area, crossing over on an overhang ramp, and Scully stars to follow but stops herself when she sees the beer company's logo was a devil's face. As the serial killer breaks through weak boards and falls to his death, you note:
A) SWAT!Scully needs to be a thing more often! Work on it, Chris!
B) Told you that beer is for sh-t! PABST! BLUE! RIBBON!
C) Hey, is this gonna be an episode where only the bad guys die?! Good news, that means we won't feel guilty when Dana and Fox have celebratory
14) It's time for Boggs to face his justice. The souls of his victims silently watch him, and he stares back with genuine fear in his eyes. As he gets strapped down to the chair for the gas chamber, he looks through the witness window to see if Scully would appear so he could deliver her father's message. When he sees... just the priest and the executioner, you realize:
A) Scully didn't buy his bullsh-t story after all! YAY!
B) Boggs' only way out now is to transform into a completely different person, like how that guy who played the President in Independence Day morphed into uh that other guy in prison, so they had to let him go and end up working for Frank Booth's second cousin Dick Laurent!
C) Dana is probably off giving Fox a comfort hug during his recuperation!
15) Scully is at Mulder's bedside, trying to come up with logical explanations about how Boggs' knew her personal details, and how he played on her father's recent death. Mulder, still recovering from the wound, tries to comfort her but asks why she didn't take the next step and get enough evidence to finally Believe. Scully answers, "I'm afraid, I'm afraid to Believe." As the episode ends you reply back:
A) "It's not that you're afraid, Scully, it's that you are contractually obligated to be the Skeptic character for at least five seasons and a movie!"
B) "THE SLEEPER HAS AWAKE... oh, wait, no she hasn't. Never mind. Back to the spice mines, everybody! Nothing to see here..."
C) "EVERYBODY HUG EVERYBODY ELSE RIGHT NOW! WE NEED COMFORT HUGS!"
If you more often than not answered:
A) You're a Scully acolyte bothered by the dynamic shift of Believer/Skeptic this episode and hopes it doesn't happen again.
B) You're a fan of David Lynch movies and television shows who understands exactly what happened in Lost Highway. Yup. Absolutely. Every last frame. Just take my word for it.
C) You're a 'Shipper who saw enough Comforting and Emotional exposure this episode to make you wish for more! MORE! MORE HUGS! MORE HAND HOLDS! MORE BEDSIDE CONVERSATIONS ABOUT BELIEF AND TRUST AND...
What do you think, sirs?
Sunday, June 14, 2015
The X-Files: Hollywood AD 'Shipper Survey
In honor of The X-Files resuming their filming, I felt it appropriate to break out a 'Shipper Survey from Season Seven for the classic fourth-wall demolishing episode "Hollywood AD." Lights! Camera! People Made Out of Turkey! ...wait, what?
HOLLYWOOD A.D.
1) The episode begins with explosions, laser battles, some kid bending a spoon with his mind because he tells you "There is no spoon," and...and...<sigh>. The show begins with Garry Shandling running around thinking he's Mulder. It also has Tea Leoni thinking she's Scully. That black-lunged mackerel snapper called the Smoking Pontiff, I dunno where they got him. You're pretty sure:
A) Someone was drugged.
B) Someone lost a bet.
C) Someone needs a hug.
2) Garry/Mulder and Tea/Scully defeat the Smoking Pontiff and his zombie minions, and find themselves rolling into an open coffin which closes as they enter. They banter, make a few quips, then start making out like a drunk FBI agent and a so-called "blonde" detective during some planetary alignment. We find out we're watching a movie, and in the audience are the cast members of this travesty, as well as Minnie Driver and David Alan Grier from "Return To Me" (wonder who sent them invitations...). As the camera finally settles on the stunned faces of the REAL Mulder and Scully (well, the actor and actress who tend to play the characters on a regular basis), you determine:
A) Scully's fans are probably outside the theater, protesting the hiring of a tall, long-legged woman to play her, when Kate Winslet would have sufficed...(fume) (chant) (protest)
B) Mulder's fans are right next to the Scullyists outside, protesting the failure to hire the actor they want to play the spooky FBI agent: Eddie Deezen! (fume) (chant) (protest)
C) That somebody should tell David Duchovny that Garry Shandling is making out with David's wife Tea in a coffin. Hey, Bree Sharp would be thrilled to break the bad news to him...(wicked grin)
3) After the credits roll, we find ourselves in Skinner's office with a message informing us it's "eighteen months earlier," where the bald guy is handing over a report on a church bombing to Mulder and Scully. Meanwhile, some geek sitting on a far sofa is making notes and answering his cell phone. You notice the confused look on Moose and Squirrel's faces, and:
A) Begin to ponder the myriad and mystic aspects of our reality. In other words, you've already had two Scully-ritas too many...(hic)
B) Suddenly realize that if this is eighteen months earlier, this episode (and this survey) should be back in Season Five! Damn! Now I have to re-shuffle my 'Shipper Survey web pages! (grrr)
C) Hope this leads to a quiet moment in the hallway where Dana and Fox question their assignment, leading up to a hand-hold, some of that slow-motion stuff from all things, and another visit to Fox's bedroom...(sigh)
4) The guy on the sofa, Federman, is a writer/producer, who's an old friend of the "Skinman" from his college days. Federman's here to make a movie about the X-File cases Mulder and Scully work on: he sees it as a cross between "Silence of the Lambs Meets E.T." That look on Mulder and Scully's faces tell you:
A) They're about ready to jump out the Skinman's window. Aliens, they can deal with. Liver-eating mutants, no problem. Somebody who actually calls himself a "writer-slash-producer?" NOOOOO!
B) They're wondering about that writer/producer title: does that make Federman a hybrid? Quick, grab him! He's the clue you've been looking for!
C) They're not ready to deal with a sequel just yet. Damn bee!
5) Mulder, with Federman in tow, goes to the Catholic church where Cardinal O'Fallon, whom Scully knows as a high-ranking church official, had reported the bombing. Federman is questioning about Mulder's relationship to Scully, if she's more than just his partner. Mulder is trying to get him to shut up as they walk past a pair of nuns into the church. You:
A) Are certain that the nuns are Sis Paula and Sis Twee from the OBSSE, and they're here to help the Punk learn the fine Art of Trout-Slapping to deal with this writer-slash-producer from the sixth plane of Hell!...
B) Have this nagging suspicion that the church is three blocks away from this comic book store you know in the shopping district of Georgetown...
C) Worry that Wayne is thinking the wrong things about Dana staying back at the office to work with Walter. Trust us, the bald guy's REALLY secretly doing the Monica with his prancy secretary!...
6) Mulder is interviewing Cardinal O'Fallon about the bombing of the church's crypt. O'Fallon notes there was little of value in the crypt, merely ancient church texts and relics. O'Fallon keeps cracking quips, like owning the relic of the Bathrobe of St. Peter, which amuses Federman. Federman being amused, of course, drives Mulder to snarl, "Shut up, Wayne." You:
A) Can't picture the male members of the OBSSE wearing the kind of fancy duds the Cardinal has on! One thing about Catholics, they've got a good fashion sense...
B) Note you have holy relics of your own: the Dish That Can't Be Cleaned, the Signed Autograph of William B. Davis On a Piece of Paper, and the Unfathomable Computer of Constant Crashing!
C) Worry that there's something going on between Kelly and Sue...damn Survivor Slashers!
7) A cell phone goes off. Mulder looks ready to kill Federman, but it's not his. Mulder checks his own phone, nope. Cardinal O'Fallon checks his phone, uh-uh. They follow the sound of the beeping to a body beneath the rubble. As Mulder answers the dead guy's phone, you think he ought to answer it with:
A) "Yes? You're calling for a lifeline? Uh, I don't think so, Regis..."
B) "Mad Dog Pizza. We deliver."
C) "I'm sorry. The dead guy can't come to the phone right now. If you would like to speak to his medical examiner, please dial 1-800-FOXLOVESDANA..."
8) Scully was able to get away from the office so she could play hooky. Or was it hockey? Anyhoo, she, Mulder, and Federman head for the residence of the dead man, Micah Hoffman, a radical protestor of the 1960s who disappeared in the 1970s before making a reunion tour in the 1980s and ending up in a "Behind the Music" documentary in the 1990s. Deep breath. Mulder does his breaking-and-entering routine, which brings up a not-so-nice comment from the writer-slash-producer. Also, Scully's reply that she and Skinner just did paperwork gets an eyeroll from the hanger-on. You take this all in and:
A) Triangulate the best possible trout swing between the demonic writer-slash-producer and the moronic Punk! (slap-woosh) Damn. Missed the Punk's hair by three centimeters. Recalculating now...(slap-slap) That got it.
B) Wonder if Mulder's ever broken into the stash of Playboys you've got hidden in the safe...(check contents) Hey! The newsstand issues with Sophia Arden pics are missing! NO!
C) Sigh. Having a writer-slash-producer tag along as a chaperone to Dana and Fox can be a huge bummer. They'll never hold hands while someone's watching!...
9) Mulder, Scully and Federman find evidence that Hoffman was the mad bomber, and that Hoffman had ancient scripts of a long-rumored Lost Gospel involving Mary Magdalene. Scully, good Catholic that she is, considers them forgeries. Mulder wonders why Hoffman was messing with heretical texts. Scully wonders why Hoffman was making forgeries of them. Federman wonders why O'Fallon might be involved with the forgeries. As Mulder and Scully glance at each other realizing the jerk is right, you:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Slap your forehead in shock and dismay! Federman figured it out?! Oh, BLEEP, Chris Carter is going to add this jerk to the team! AUGH!
NOTE: after a handful of Federman's lousy quips, Mulder snarls, "All right, one more pun and I pull out my gun." See, Mulder's a poet and we did not know it. (snicker)
ADDITIONAL NOTE: Scully mentions her Greek's a little rusty. The writer learned Greek, too...unfortunately, it was the stuff written on the bathroom stalls in Tarpon Springs High School, so I can't give you the translations here...
10) Mulder goes back to the wrecked crypt, with Federman still in tow. They find a copy of the Lost Gospel, which Federman wonders is the "real" fake or the "fake" fake. Amidst odd clicking noises, Federman answers his cell phone, trying to talk to Hollywood about ordering a pizza. As he talks, he flashes his light across bones dancing, yes that's right dancing, along the catacombs. You:
A) Start humming "Dem Bones." What, you never saw Prisoner, Episode 17 Fallout?!
B) Shake your head. Bones dancing the waltz. Okay, NOW you've seen everything on this show!
C) Worry that the thigh bone is looking at the ankle bone the wrong way...damn anatomy slashers! (Writer's note: yes, go ahead, scratch your head at that one. I just can't think of anything else 'Shippy to say about dancing bones...)
11) Later at a coffee house, Scully tries to explain what Federman thinks he saw as dancing bones was actually a weather balloon. Federman doesn't care: he's gotten his "flavor" of what the X-Files are like and takes his leave. Before he goes, he tells the agents they're both crazy: Mulder for believing what he Believes, and Scully for NOT believing what Mulder Believes. You take in that evaluation and:
A) Mark that producer-slash-writer jerk for a jihad. How DARE he accuse the Blessed Skeptic of not Beli...uh, wait a second. It IS kinda her raison d'etre after all...(Writer gets trout-slapped by the more fanatical OBSSE nuns) Okay, it's your call...
B) Try saying "She sells seashells by the seashore" very quickly. (Writer has trouble saying 'sh' words)
C) Realize Wayne has figured out what 'Shippers have known for years! (sigh)
12) After Mulder uses some much-needed sarcasm directed at Federman's departure, Scully brings up an old story she once heard from one of the twisted Sisters of her old Catholic school (St. Baptista of the Tennis Elbow). The story involved the Lazarus Bowl, a clay bowl forged by Lazarus's aunt during Jesus's resurrection of the dead man. The bowl pieces the bones were fingering might be that bowl. You listen to the story and:
A) Wonder what else the Blessed Red-head learned in Catholic school...(Writer points out he knew a lot of bad girls who got sent to Catholic school, so she must have learned a lot) (Writer gets trout-slapped)
B) Chuckle. We knew Jesus was good in wood shop back in high school, but didn't He flunk pottery class? (Writer gets crushed by God's Mighty Anvil) (note: bonus points to anybody who even remembers the show that's from) Oooooow. Uh, sorry. Won't do that again...
C) Hope that Dana was gently rubbing her leg against Fox's under the countertop while they shared that chocolate shake...(Writer sighs) (Writer gets sued by NoRomos still convinced they're just good friends)
13) Scully brings the bowl pieces to everybody's favorite paraengineer, Chuck Burks. He mentions how everything from people to trout give off vibrations. Essentially, it's our electromagnetic auras (or as Yoda called it, the Force), attuned to specific frequencies. Burks uses his gear to listen to the vibrations of the ceramic, and he instantly hears it vibrating on all frequencies. As that happens, you:
A) Measure the vibrating aura of the mitichloreans in the trout you're wielding to match the Punk's shield modulation and...and...this is getting TOO silly. Start over...
B) Start humming "Good Vibrations"...oh, c'mon, you had to see THAT coming!...
C) Think about other things that vibr...(Writer gets trout-slapped by Sen. Joseph Lieberman) Ack! He's not only cleaning up Hollywood, he's cleaning up naughty 'Shipper web sites!
14) Mulder, meanwhile, is confronting O'Fallon about the Lost Gospel forgeries. It seems the Cardinal was convinced the forgeries were real, and that its' description of a Jesus who made love to Mary Magdalene had shattered his faith. So he hid them, but he couldn't destroy them. He asks, " Is being made a fool of a crime, Agent Mulder?" When Mulder replies, "I'd be doing life if it were, sir," you reply:
A) "On the 193 charges of Being a Punk, how does the jury find? GUILTY!"
B) "Really? According to the U.S. Code, it's only a Class 3 Misdemeanor!"
C) "Why do fools fall in love? (start warbling) Why do birds sing so...so...(stops singing once you notice the stares of others) Um, it's a good song, people..."
15) Mulder calls Scully and asks if she can do an autopsy on Hoffman's body. In mid-flirting, he gets an incoming call from Federman, who's asking who Mulder thinks should play him in the movie. Mulder suggests Richard Gere. You suggest:
A) Ben Stiller. Janeane Garofalo can be the trout-wielding Scully who can keep him in line.
B) This guy named David Duchovny. Yeah, okay, he's not an A-list guy, but hey they've already got a song about him!
C) Fox play himself, and Dana play herself. Sure, they'd have to give up their glamourous jobs with the FBI, but if the movie careers never take off they can always do the Ab Roller infomercials!
NOTE: Richard Gere had already signed on to play Walter Skinner. Which was a damn shame: the guy who played Captain Stuebing was perfect for that role...
16) Scully does the autopsy on Hoffman's body. She takes out a few vital organs to measure them, but then Hoffman wakes up and insists she give the organs back when she's through. You shout at the screen:
A) "Don't you hate it when bodies wake up in the middle of autopsies? I'm sure the Blessed Red-head does!"
B) see A)
C) see B)
17) After the shock of the "illusion" (or did it happen?) of Hoffman's resurrection, Scully reports to Mulder her discovery of wine and poison in the dead man's stomach. It looks like O'Fallon poisoned Hoffman, then left his body near the bomb before it exploded. They go in with a warrant to arrest the Cardinal, and Scully takes a moment at the church to pray to a Crucifixion. She suddenly sees the Christ on the cross change into Hoffman. It gets weirder. As they arrest Cardinal O'Fallon for the murder of Micah Hoffman and on an additional charge of illegally wearing St. Peter's Bathrobe, they all watch in amazement as Micah Hoffman walks smiling into the church. You:
A) Curse "Dammit! Who's cloning 60s radicals?! CANCERMAN!!!"
B) Scream "Ahh! The dead bleeping live! Ahh! Kill it before it eats our brains! KILL IT!"
C) Shout "No! Dana and Fox should have gotten the Cardinal to marry them first before having him arrested!!!"
18) The next thing we see is Skinner chewing out Mulder and Scully for false arrest, unwarranted break-ins, and failing to get Michael Ovitz to represent him for his own talk show. He orders them on a four-week leave (probably still getting paid for it too), and the agents actually seem disappointed they can't use that time to goof off. You:
A) Task the Bald One for his overzealous reaction to the Blessed Red-head's work. Hey, who do you think helped out with your paperwork earlier in the episode? Show some gratitude! (trout slap)
B) Wonder about the body that was in the blast rubble. Did it disappear? Did it rise from the grave to hunt down nubile co-eds in the cheerleaders' shower room?! Check Badmovies.org to find out!!!
C) Cheer that Dana and Fox have time now to go off to Vegas and hunt down alien Elvis hybrids!
19) Dejected, Mulder and Scully return to the basement, where they catch Burks listening to the ceramic pieces. It turns out the bowl contained two vital clues: someone singing in the ancient Aramaic language that "the walrus was Paul," and the voice of someone praying another man to rise from the dead. You:
A) Wonder how Jesus got ahold of the White Album! And how did He play it backwards?...
B) Can't see how a ceramic bowl can fit into a CD-recordable drive!
C) Wish that Burks would take his work back to his office so he can let Dana and Fox use the basement for a quickie like they were hoping!
20) Despite orders to leave the case alone, Mulder and Scully go to interview Micah Hoffman. He confesses his work forging holy documents; but explains that as part of the process, in order to create documents relating to the life of Jesus, he had to BECOME Jesus in order to make the scam work. But once that happened, Hoffman regretted his acts and tried to destroy the documents the only way an aging 1960s radical could: with explosives. This, of course, doesn't explain who the dead guy was. Plot holes can be annoying like that. Anyway, you also question:
A) "Does this mean those holy documents claiming the Blessed Skeptic Scully is a Highlander aren't real? Trout-slap the offender!" (survey writer goes into hiding for awhile)
B) "So who's going to pay for the pizza that the dead guy ordered during the autopsy?"
C) "WHEN WILL DANA AND FOX GET MARRIED?!" (gasp inhale)
21) Scully, after hopefully finishing off a tub of cookie dough ice cream, stops by Mulder's place to see if any more government-sponsored assassins have shot up the stale orange juice. She finds him watching "Plan 9 From Outer Space." He says it's the 42nd time he's watched the film. You:
A) Curse "Damn you, Punk! You ought to be getting enlightenment from 'The Mighty'!!!"
B) Scream "42! The answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything! It all makes sense now!"
C) Sigh "At last! Someone's figured out Ed Wood films are great for casual dating!"
NOTE: I am not about to say anything about the God Ed Wood Jr. (ohm) (genuflect) (ohm)
22) Mulder and Scully head for Hollywood. They visit the movie set for "X-Files: Insert Lame Subtitle Here." They run into Yahoo Serious and thankfully put him out of his misery. They try for Pauly Shore but he ducks behind the lead singer of Limp Bizket. Maybe another time. Anyway, Federman introduces David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson to Garry Shandling and Tea Leoni. As these actors who've obviously met in real life (especially David and Garry) pretend like they haven't met before, you:
A) Spot the glaring inaccuracies of Tea's Scully outfit: the cross is too big, the tastefully covered birthmark above the lip is on the wrong side, the jacket collar is turned all wrong, and the trout she's holding isn't a trout, it's a halibut!
B) Spot the glaring inaccuracies of Garry's Mulder appearance: no trenchcoat, no hair parted in the exact right way, no sad-eyed-puppy look, and no style!
C) Spot the glaring inaccuracy of Tea and Garry's performance as Dana and Fox: where's the hand holding?! Damn stunt bee!
23) Tea has a question for Scully: how the bleep can she run around in those high heeled shoes? Scully looks askance, then shrugs and goes off to the other end of the movie set. There, she proceeds to run back and forth during the rest of the scene. You have to see it to believe it. Go! Now! Watch it now! Rewind! Watch it again! Okay, come back to the survey. If there are any questions, please remember that some questions are best left unasked...
24) While the Running!Scully scene plays out, Garry asks Mulder, as a way of finding the character's rudder, "Do you dress to the left or to the right?" Mulder seems a little embarrassed but answers "mostly to the left." Garry seems horrified. You seem:
A) Perturbed. It's not how he dresses, it's if he gets trout-slapped left or right!
B) As confused as the survey's writer. What's the deal about dressing to the left or right? For me, it's up with the underwear and pants, and down with the t-shirt. There's no left or right involved here! Just what is this all aboot?!
C) Perplexed. Garry, instead of embarrassing Fox, could have asked Dana, she would know! (sigh)
25) It's later. The director is filming a scene. Action is called, and the cameras roll. A zombie bites into Tea's shoulder, then stops and bitches that the "flesh" he'd bitten tastes wrong. It seems the zombie actors are all vegetarians, and the one who bit Tea is running off screaming that "the people are made out of turkey!" You:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Muse, "Wow, no wonder Soylent Green tastes so familiar!"
26) Much later. Scully is enjoying a bubble bath and calls Mulder. Mulder is also a bubble bath, and they talk about zombies and Ed Wood movies. There's another call: it's Skinner (who immediately orders Mulder not to call him "Skinman"), and HE'S in a bubble bath at the same hotel the agents are at. In fact, he says, "I'm right underneath you...Right below you and Agent Scully." You scream:
A) "Ack! This is all wrong! Only the Blessed Red-head should enjoy bubble baths!"
B) "Ack! Is there anybody left back at FBI headquarters? Who's minding the store?..."
C) "Ack! If the damn Slashers got ahold of that 'right below you' line..."
27) We've returned to the scene of the crime. Back at the movie theater, we're watching the love scene in the coffin. Suddenly, Tea stops kissing Garry and tearfully admits, "I'm in love with Assistant Director Walter Skinner." Mulder stands up and loudly protests "THAT'S IT!" You:
A) Want Scully to stand up and protest "This movie sucked! You could see the strings holding up the UFO!"
B) Smirk evilly like any NoRomo would and snicker that you were right about Mulder and Scully being "just good friends"...
C) Stand and scream "DAMN YOU NOROMOS! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!"
28) Mulder storms out of the movie theater. Scully joins him, and they talk. For one thing, the real-life Lazarus Bowl case has gone bad: Cardinal O'Fallon killed Hoffman and then committed suicide. Mulder is enraged at the movie, however; it had trivialized the complexity of the case and the people involved. O'Fallon had been sadly morphed into "Cigarette-Smoking Pontiff." Mulder muses, "How are we going to be remembered now 'cause of this movie?" You would point out:
A) "Forget this movie, Mulder. Do you want to be remembered for 'Playing God'?!?!"
B) "Forget this movie, Scully. Do you want to be remembered for 'The Turning'?!?!"
C) "Forget this movie, stunt bee. Do you want to be remembered for ruining a perfectly good kissing scene in the real 'X-Files' movie?!?!"
29) Scully points out that Skinner is so tickled by the movie premiering that he'd given the agents a bureau credit card and carte blanc to use it. Smiling, they decide to walk away. As they do, Scully admits something to Mulder: she's in love with Assistant Producer Walter Skinner. You:
A) Worry that Scully is going to try and use her relationship with Assistant Producer Skinner to snare a role in the Matrix sequels! Actually, that's not a bad idea...Scully in tight leather kicking Agent ass...hmm...
B) Ponder what the debit bill on that card's going to look like next month!
C) Curse the damn NoRomos again!!!
NOTE: when Mulder says, "Yeah, me too," you also curse the damn Slashers.
30) As Mulder and Scully continue walking into the night, the zombie dead rise from the graves of Hollywood to seek revenge on all the talent agents who said they couldn't find work past the age of 175. Then, they start dancing Lambada, the Forbidden Dance. You worry about your sanity, remember you already lost that back in Season Three, and we all conclude with this thought:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) We can only hope Leonard Maltin gives this X-Files Lazarus Bowl movie two-and-a-half stars just like Laserblast.
If you more often answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSE nun who's got a copy of the sacrilegious Book of Spookycc, which shockingly suggests that it was Scully's older sister Melissa who learned the Sacred Art of Trout-Slapping before teaching it to the Blessed Red-Head! Do you know what that means?! It contradicts the Holy Texts declaring that the Red-Headed Skeptic was fully born with that knowledge!...
B) Then you are a zombie who knows Lambada, the Forbidden Dance! (zombie hunters show up and thankfully nail you in the head the way it's done in the original Night of the Living Dead)
C) Then you are a NoRomo who's in love with Assistant Producer Walter Skinner...damn Slashers!
 |
| Relax, Gillian, This Wasn't As Bad As That Second Movie... |
1) The episode begins with explosions, laser battles, some kid bending a spoon with his mind because he tells you "There is no spoon," and...and...<sigh>. The show begins with Garry Shandling running around thinking he's Mulder. It also has Tea Leoni thinking she's Scully. That black-lunged mackerel snapper called the Smoking Pontiff, I dunno where they got him. You're pretty sure:
A) Someone was drugged.
B) Someone lost a bet.
C) Someone needs a hug.
2) Garry/Mulder and Tea/Scully defeat the Smoking Pontiff and his zombie minions, and find themselves rolling into an open coffin which closes as they enter. They banter, make a few quips, then start making out like a drunk FBI agent and a so-called "blonde" detective during some planetary alignment. We find out we're watching a movie, and in the audience are the cast members of this travesty, as well as Minnie Driver and David Alan Grier from "Return To Me" (wonder who sent them invitations...). As the camera finally settles on the stunned faces of the REAL Mulder and Scully (well, the actor and actress who tend to play the characters on a regular basis), you determine:
A) Scully's fans are probably outside the theater, protesting the hiring of a tall, long-legged woman to play her, when Kate Winslet would have sufficed...(fume) (chant) (protest)
B) Mulder's fans are right next to the Scullyists outside, protesting the failure to hire the actor they want to play the spooky FBI agent: Eddie Deezen! (fume) (chant) (protest)
C) That somebody should tell David Duchovny that Garry Shandling is making out with David's wife Tea in a coffin. Hey, Bree Sharp would be thrilled to break the bad news to him...(wicked grin)
3) After the credits roll, we find ourselves in Skinner's office with a message informing us it's "eighteen months earlier," where the bald guy is handing over a report on a church bombing to Mulder and Scully. Meanwhile, some geek sitting on a far sofa is making notes and answering his cell phone. You notice the confused look on Moose and Squirrel's faces, and:
A) Begin to ponder the myriad and mystic aspects of our reality. In other words, you've already had two Scully-ritas too many...(hic)
B) Suddenly realize that if this is eighteen months earlier, this episode (and this survey) should be back in Season Five! Damn! Now I have to re-shuffle my 'Shipper Survey web pages! (grrr)
C) Hope this leads to a quiet moment in the hallway where Dana and Fox question their assignment, leading up to a hand-hold, some of that slow-motion stuff from all things, and another visit to Fox's bedroom...(sigh)
4) The guy on the sofa, Federman, is a writer/producer, who's an old friend of the "Skinman" from his college days. Federman's here to make a movie about the X-File cases Mulder and Scully work on: he sees it as a cross between "Silence of the Lambs Meets E.T." That look on Mulder and Scully's faces tell you:
A) They're about ready to jump out the Skinman's window. Aliens, they can deal with. Liver-eating mutants, no problem. Somebody who actually calls himself a "writer-slash-producer?" NOOOOO!
B) They're wondering about that writer/producer title: does that make Federman a hybrid? Quick, grab him! He's the clue you've been looking for!
C) They're not ready to deal with a sequel just yet. Damn bee!
5) Mulder, with Federman in tow, goes to the Catholic church where Cardinal O'Fallon, whom Scully knows as a high-ranking church official, had reported the bombing. Federman is questioning about Mulder's relationship to Scully, if she's more than just his partner. Mulder is trying to get him to shut up as they walk past a pair of nuns into the church. You:
A) Are certain that the nuns are Sis Paula and Sis Twee from the OBSSE, and they're here to help the Punk learn the fine Art of Trout-Slapping to deal with this writer-slash-producer from the sixth plane of Hell!...
B) Have this nagging suspicion that the church is three blocks away from this comic book store you know in the shopping district of Georgetown...
C) Worry that Wayne is thinking the wrong things about Dana staying back at the office to work with Walter. Trust us, the bald guy's REALLY secretly doing the Monica with his prancy secretary!...
6) Mulder is interviewing Cardinal O'Fallon about the bombing of the church's crypt. O'Fallon notes there was little of value in the crypt, merely ancient church texts and relics. O'Fallon keeps cracking quips, like owning the relic of the Bathrobe of St. Peter, which amuses Federman. Federman being amused, of course, drives Mulder to snarl, "Shut up, Wayne." You:
A) Can't picture the male members of the OBSSE wearing the kind of fancy duds the Cardinal has on! One thing about Catholics, they've got a good fashion sense...
B) Note you have holy relics of your own: the Dish That Can't Be Cleaned, the Signed Autograph of William B. Davis On a Piece of Paper, and the Unfathomable Computer of Constant Crashing!
C) Worry that there's something going on between Kelly and Sue...damn Survivor Slashers!
7) A cell phone goes off. Mulder looks ready to kill Federman, but it's not his. Mulder checks his own phone, nope. Cardinal O'Fallon checks his phone, uh-uh. They follow the sound of the beeping to a body beneath the rubble. As Mulder answers the dead guy's phone, you think he ought to answer it with:
A) "Yes? You're calling for a lifeline? Uh, I don't think so, Regis..."
B) "Mad Dog Pizza. We deliver."
C) "I'm sorry. The dead guy can't come to the phone right now. If you would like to speak to his medical examiner, please dial 1-800-FOXLOVESDANA..."
8) Scully was able to get away from the office so she could play hooky. Or was it hockey? Anyhoo, she, Mulder, and Federman head for the residence of the dead man, Micah Hoffman, a radical protestor of the 1960s who disappeared in the 1970s before making a reunion tour in the 1980s and ending up in a "Behind the Music" documentary in the 1990s. Deep breath. Mulder does his breaking-and-entering routine, which brings up a not-so-nice comment from the writer-slash-producer. Also, Scully's reply that she and Skinner just did paperwork gets an eyeroll from the hanger-on. You take this all in and:
A) Triangulate the best possible trout swing between the demonic writer-slash-producer and the moronic Punk! (slap-woosh) Damn. Missed the Punk's hair by three centimeters. Recalculating now...(slap-slap) That got it.
B) Wonder if Mulder's ever broken into the stash of Playboys you've got hidden in the safe...(check contents) Hey! The newsstand issues with Sophia Arden pics are missing! NO!
C) Sigh. Having a writer-slash-producer tag along as a chaperone to Dana and Fox can be a huge bummer. They'll never hold hands while someone's watching!...
9) Mulder, Scully and Federman find evidence that Hoffman was the mad bomber, and that Hoffman had ancient scripts of a long-rumored Lost Gospel involving Mary Magdalene. Scully, good Catholic that she is, considers them forgeries. Mulder wonders why Hoffman was messing with heretical texts. Scully wonders why Hoffman was making forgeries of them. Federman wonders why O'Fallon might be involved with the forgeries. As Mulder and Scully glance at each other realizing the jerk is right, you:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Slap your forehead in shock and dismay! Federman figured it out?! Oh, BLEEP, Chris Carter is going to add this jerk to the team! AUGH!
NOTE: after a handful of Federman's lousy quips, Mulder snarls, "All right, one more pun and I pull out my gun." See, Mulder's a poet and we did not know it. (snicker)
ADDITIONAL NOTE: Scully mentions her Greek's a little rusty. The writer learned Greek, too...unfortunately, it was the stuff written on the bathroom stalls in Tarpon Springs High School, so I can't give you the translations here...
10) Mulder goes back to the wrecked crypt, with Federman still in tow. They find a copy of the Lost Gospel, which Federman wonders is the "real" fake or the "fake" fake. Amidst odd clicking noises, Federman answers his cell phone, trying to talk to Hollywood about ordering a pizza. As he talks, he flashes his light across bones dancing, yes that's right dancing, along the catacombs. You:
A) Start humming "Dem Bones." What, you never saw Prisoner, Episode 17 Fallout?!
B) Shake your head. Bones dancing the waltz. Okay, NOW you've seen everything on this show!
C) Worry that the thigh bone is looking at the ankle bone the wrong way...damn anatomy slashers! (Writer's note: yes, go ahead, scratch your head at that one. I just can't think of anything else 'Shippy to say about dancing bones...)
11) Later at a coffee house, Scully tries to explain what Federman thinks he saw as dancing bones was actually a weather balloon. Federman doesn't care: he's gotten his "flavor" of what the X-Files are like and takes his leave. Before he goes, he tells the agents they're both crazy: Mulder for believing what he Believes, and Scully for NOT believing what Mulder Believes. You take in that evaluation and:
A) Mark that producer-slash-writer jerk for a jihad. How DARE he accuse the Blessed Skeptic of not Beli...uh, wait a second. It IS kinda her raison d'etre after all...(Writer gets trout-slapped by the more fanatical OBSSE nuns) Okay, it's your call...
B) Try saying "She sells seashells by the seashore" very quickly. (Writer has trouble saying 'sh' words)
C) Realize Wayne has figured out what 'Shippers have known for years! (sigh)
12) After Mulder uses some much-needed sarcasm directed at Federman's departure, Scully brings up an old story she once heard from one of the twisted Sisters of her old Catholic school (St. Baptista of the Tennis Elbow). The story involved the Lazarus Bowl, a clay bowl forged by Lazarus's aunt during Jesus's resurrection of the dead man. The bowl pieces the bones were fingering might be that bowl. You listen to the story and:
A) Wonder what else the Blessed Red-head learned in Catholic school...(Writer points out he knew a lot of bad girls who got sent to Catholic school, so she must have learned a lot) (Writer gets trout-slapped)
B) Chuckle. We knew Jesus was good in wood shop back in high school, but didn't He flunk pottery class? (Writer gets crushed by God's Mighty Anvil) (note: bonus points to anybody who even remembers the show that's from) Oooooow. Uh, sorry. Won't do that again...
C) Hope that Dana was gently rubbing her leg against Fox's under the countertop while they shared that chocolate shake...(Writer sighs) (Writer gets sued by NoRomos still convinced they're just good friends)
13) Scully brings the bowl pieces to everybody's favorite paraengineer, Chuck Burks. He mentions how everything from people to trout give off vibrations. Essentially, it's our electromagnetic auras (or as Yoda called it, the Force), attuned to specific frequencies. Burks uses his gear to listen to the vibrations of the ceramic, and he instantly hears it vibrating on all frequencies. As that happens, you:
A) Measure the vibrating aura of the mitichloreans in the trout you're wielding to match the Punk's shield modulation and...and...this is getting TOO silly. Start over...
B) Start humming "Good Vibrations"...oh, c'mon, you had to see THAT coming!...
C) Think about other things that vibr...(Writer gets trout-slapped by Sen. Joseph Lieberman) Ack! He's not only cleaning up Hollywood, he's cleaning up naughty 'Shipper web sites!
14) Mulder, meanwhile, is confronting O'Fallon about the Lost Gospel forgeries. It seems the Cardinal was convinced the forgeries were real, and that its' description of a Jesus who made love to Mary Magdalene had shattered his faith. So he hid them, but he couldn't destroy them. He asks, " Is being made a fool of a crime, Agent Mulder?" When Mulder replies, "I'd be doing life if it were, sir," you reply:
A) "On the 193 charges of Being a Punk, how does the jury find? GUILTY!"
B) "Really? According to the U.S. Code, it's only a Class 3 Misdemeanor!"
C) "Why do fools fall in love? (start warbling) Why do birds sing so...so...(stops singing once you notice the stares of others) Um, it's a good song, people..."
15) Mulder calls Scully and asks if she can do an autopsy on Hoffman's body. In mid-flirting, he gets an incoming call from Federman, who's asking who Mulder thinks should play him in the movie. Mulder suggests Richard Gere. You suggest:
A) Ben Stiller. Janeane Garofalo can be the trout-wielding Scully who can keep him in line.
B) This guy named David Duchovny. Yeah, okay, he's not an A-list guy, but hey they've already got a song about him!
C) Fox play himself, and Dana play herself. Sure, they'd have to give up their glamourous jobs with the FBI, but if the movie careers never take off they can always do the Ab Roller infomercials!
NOTE: Richard Gere had already signed on to play Walter Skinner. Which was a damn shame: the guy who played Captain Stuebing was perfect for that role...
16) Scully does the autopsy on Hoffman's body. She takes out a few vital organs to measure them, but then Hoffman wakes up and insists she give the organs back when she's through. You shout at the screen:
A) "Don't you hate it when bodies wake up in the middle of autopsies? I'm sure the Blessed Red-head does!"
B) see A)
C) see B)
17) After the shock of the "illusion" (or did it happen?) of Hoffman's resurrection, Scully reports to Mulder her discovery of wine and poison in the dead man's stomach. It looks like O'Fallon poisoned Hoffman, then left his body near the bomb before it exploded. They go in with a warrant to arrest the Cardinal, and Scully takes a moment at the church to pray to a Crucifixion. She suddenly sees the Christ on the cross change into Hoffman. It gets weirder. As they arrest Cardinal O'Fallon for the murder of Micah Hoffman and on an additional charge of illegally wearing St. Peter's Bathrobe, they all watch in amazement as Micah Hoffman walks smiling into the church. You:
A) Curse "Dammit! Who's cloning 60s radicals?! CANCERMAN!!!"
B) Scream "Ahh! The dead bleeping live! Ahh! Kill it before it eats our brains! KILL IT!"
C) Shout "No! Dana and Fox should have gotten the Cardinal to marry them first before having him arrested!!!"
18) The next thing we see is Skinner chewing out Mulder and Scully for false arrest, unwarranted break-ins, and failing to get Michael Ovitz to represent him for his own talk show. He orders them on a four-week leave (probably still getting paid for it too), and the agents actually seem disappointed they can't use that time to goof off. You:
A) Task the Bald One for his overzealous reaction to the Blessed Red-head's work. Hey, who do you think helped out with your paperwork earlier in the episode? Show some gratitude! (trout slap)
B) Wonder about the body that was in the blast rubble. Did it disappear? Did it rise from the grave to hunt down nubile co-eds in the cheerleaders' shower room?! Check Badmovies.org to find out!!!
C) Cheer that Dana and Fox have time now to go off to Vegas and hunt down alien Elvis hybrids!
19) Dejected, Mulder and Scully return to the basement, where they catch Burks listening to the ceramic pieces. It turns out the bowl contained two vital clues: someone singing in the ancient Aramaic language that "the walrus was Paul," and the voice of someone praying another man to rise from the dead. You:
A) Wonder how Jesus got ahold of the White Album! And how did He play it backwards?...
B) Can't see how a ceramic bowl can fit into a CD-recordable drive!
C) Wish that Burks would take his work back to his office so he can let Dana and Fox use the basement for a quickie like they were hoping!
20) Despite orders to leave the case alone, Mulder and Scully go to interview Micah Hoffman. He confesses his work forging holy documents; but explains that as part of the process, in order to create documents relating to the life of Jesus, he had to BECOME Jesus in order to make the scam work. But once that happened, Hoffman regretted his acts and tried to destroy the documents the only way an aging 1960s radical could: with explosives. This, of course, doesn't explain who the dead guy was. Plot holes can be annoying like that. Anyway, you also question:
A) "Does this mean those holy documents claiming the Blessed Skeptic Scully is a Highlander aren't real? Trout-slap the offender!" (survey writer goes into hiding for awhile)
B) "So who's going to pay for the pizza that the dead guy ordered during the autopsy?"
C) "WHEN WILL DANA AND FOX GET MARRIED?!" (gasp inhale)
21) Scully, after hopefully finishing off a tub of cookie dough ice cream, stops by Mulder's place to see if any more government-sponsored assassins have shot up the stale orange juice. She finds him watching "Plan 9 From Outer Space." He says it's the 42nd time he's watched the film. You:
A) Curse "Damn you, Punk! You ought to be getting enlightenment from 'The Mighty'!!!"
B) Scream "42! The answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything! It all makes sense now!"
C) Sigh "At last! Someone's figured out Ed Wood films are great for casual dating!"
NOTE: I am not about to say anything about the God Ed Wood Jr. (ohm) (genuflect) (ohm)
22) Mulder and Scully head for Hollywood. They visit the movie set for "X-Files: Insert Lame Subtitle Here." They run into Yahoo Serious and thankfully put him out of his misery. They try for Pauly Shore but he ducks behind the lead singer of Limp Bizket. Maybe another time. Anyway, Federman introduces David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson to Garry Shandling and Tea Leoni. As these actors who've obviously met in real life (especially David and Garry) pretend like they haven't met before, you:
A) Spot the glaring inaccuracies of Tea's Scully outfit: the cross is too big, the tastefully covered birthmark above the lip is on the wrong side, the jacket collar is turned all wrong, and the trout she's holding isn't a trout, it's a halibut!
B) Spot the glaring inaccuracies of Garry's Mulder appearance: no trenchcoat, no hair parted in the exact right way, no sad-eyed-puppy look, and no style!
C) Spot the glaring inaccuracy of Tea and Garry's performance as Dana and Fox: where's the hand holding?! Damn stunt bee!
23) Tea has a question for Scully: how the bleep can she run around in those high heeled shoes? Scully looks askance, then shrugs and goes off to the other end of the movie set. There, she proceeds to run back and forth during the rest of the scene. You have to see it to believe it. Go! Now! Watch it now! Rewind! Watch it again! Okay, come back to the survey. If there are any questions, please remember that some questions are best left unasked...
24) While the Running!Scully scene plays out, Garry asks Mulder, as a way of finding the character's rudder, "Do you dress to the left or to the right?" Mulder seems a little embarrassed but answers "mostly to the left." Garry seems horrified. You seem:
A) Perturbed. It's not how he dresses, it's if he gets trout-slapped left or right!
B) As confused as the survey's writer. What's the deal about dressing to the left or right? For me, it's up with the underwear and pants, and down with the t-shirt. There's no left or right involved here! Just what is this all aboot?!
C) Perplexed. Garry, instead of embarrassing Fox, could have asked Dana, she would know! (sigh)
25) It's later. The director is filming a scene. Action is called, and the cameras roll. A zombie bites into Tea's shoulder, then stops and bitches that the "flesh" he'd bitten tastes wrong. It seems the zombie actors are all vegetarians, and the one who bit Tea is running off screaming that "the people are made out of turkey!" You:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Muse, "Wow, no wonder Soylent Green tastes so familiar!"
26) Much later. Scully is enjoying a bubble bath and calls Mulder. Mulder is also a bubble bath, and they talk about zombies and Ed Wood movies. There's another call: it's Skinner (who immediately orders Mulder not to call him "Skinman"), and HE'S in a bubble bath at the same hotel the agents are at. In fact, he says, "I'm right underneath you...Right below you and Agent Scully." You scream:
A) "Ack! This is all wrong! Only the Blessed Red-head should enjoy bubble baths!"
B) "Ack! Is there anybody left back at FBI headquarters? Who's minding the store?..."
C) "Ack! If the damn Slashers got ahold of that 'right below you' line..."
27) We've returned to the scene of the crime. Back at the movie theater, we're watching the love scene in the coffin. Suddenly, Tea stops kissing Garry and tearfully admits, "I'm in love with Assistant Director Walter Skinner." Mulder stands up and loudly protests "THAT'S IT!" You:
A) Want Scully to stand up and protest "This movie sucked! You could see the strings holding up the UFO!"
B) Smirk evilly like any NoRomo would and snicker that you were right about Mulder and Scully being "just good friends"...
C) Stand and scream "DAMN YOU NOROMOS! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!"
28) Mulder storms out of the movie theater. Scully joins him, and they talk. For one thing, the real-life Lazarus Bowl case has gone bad: Cardinal O'Fallon killed Hoffman and then committed suicide. Mulder is enraged at the movie, however; it had trivialized the complexity of the case and the people involved. O'Fallon had been sadly morphed into "Cigarette-Smoking Pontiff." Mulder muses, "How are we going to be remembered now 'cause of this movie?" You would point out:
A) "Forget this movie, Mulder. Do you want to be remembered for 'Playing God'?!?!"
B) "Forget this movie, Scully. Do you want to be remembered for 'The Turning'?!?!"
C) "Forget this movie, stunt bee. Do you want to be remembered for ruining a perfectly good kissing scene in the real 'X-Files' movie?!?!"
29) Scully points out that Skinner is so tickled by the movie premiering that he'd given the agents a bureau credit card and carte blanc to use it. Smiling, they decide to walk away. As they do, Scully admits something to Mulder: she's in love with Assistant Producer Walter Skinner. You:
A) Worry that Scully is going to try and use her relationship with Assistant Producer Skinner to snare a role in the Matrix sequels! Actually, that's not a bad idea...Scully in tight leather kicking Agent ass...hmm...
B) Ponder what the debit bill on that card's going to look like next month!
C) Curse the damn NoRomos again!!!
NOTE: when Mulder says, "Yeah, me too," you also curse the damn Slashers.
30) As Mulder and Scully continue walking into the night, the zombie dead rise from the graves of Hollywood to seek revenge on all the talent agents who said they couldn't find work past the age of 175. Then, they start dancing Lambada, the Forbidden Dance. You worry about your sanity, remember you already lost that back in Season Three, and we all conclude with this thought:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) We can only hope Leonard Maltin gives this X-Files Lazarus Bowl movie two-and-a-half stars just like Laserblast.
If you more often answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSE nun who's got a copy of the sacrilegious Book of Spookycc, which shockingly suggests that it was Scully's older sister Melissa who learned the Sacred Art of Trout-Slapping before teaching it to the Blessed Red-Head! Do you know what that means?! It contradicts the Holy Texts declaring that the Red-Headed Skeptic was fully born with that knowledge!...
B) Then you are a zombie who knows Lambada, the Forbidden Dance! (zombie hunters show up and thankfully nail you in the head the way it's done in the original Night of the Living Dead)
C) Then you are a NoRomo who's in love with Assistant Producer Walter Skinner...damn Slashers!
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
News: X-Files Crossover Potential With Community or The Soup, Whichever Is More Mind-Blowing
In the news today, Joel McHale is scheduled to guest-star in the X-Files revival.
That means either a crossover episode with Community:
Or a crossover episode with The Soup:
Take your pick.
That means either a crossover episode with Community:
Or a crossover episode with The Soup:
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