Just survived a hurricane passing overhead this weekend. Thing is, I've already done Agua Mala as a hurricane-themed 'Shipper survey, so do I have anything else that's storm-themed can I toss at ya?
Oh, here we go:
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: Trevor
(this might not be Safe For Work, kiddes)
1) There's an ill wind blowing through a prison farm in Mississippi. Two men boarding up a window for the incoming twisters get into an argument, ending with one of them nailed (pun intended) to the spot. The culprit, Pinker Rawls, is brought before the prison warden who sentences the prisoner to the Box (and with the storm getting worse, to certain death). The aftermath leaves no trace of Pinker, but when the warden is found dead in his locked office, you know:
A) Pinker's an X-File, isn't he? Quick, call in Scully whose forensic skills will solve the case!
B) Pinker's an X-File, isn't he? Quick, call in Mulder whose intuitive skills will solve the case!
C) Pinker's an X-File, isn't he? Forget him! This means Dana and Fox will be holding hands!
2) We next see Agent Scully in her medical scrubs to examine the warden's body. When she sees the victim's abdomen is disgustingly melted away, you know from her reaction:
A) That she's going to enjoy describing this one in her next research paper to Penology Review
B) That this case won't remind her of pizza OR chicken
C) That Dana's going to need an extra-special back rub from Fox when she's done... <sigh>
3) Mulder notes how the crime scene was found locked and with no sign of blood. Scully starts rattling off possible modus operandi: that the murder occurred elsewhere (Mulder says no time); acid (Mulder says no acid was found); that David Copperfield did it (Mulder says the guy will be arrested for other crimes against humanity). Finally, Scully brings up spontaneous human combustion. This means:
A) Scully's been hanging around the Punk for too long! ARGH!
B) It's not really Scully! It's a hybrid! RUN!
C) The Believer/Skeptic dichotomy is over! They can make out now! YES!
4) Mulder's just as surprised as we are when Scully brings up spontaneous combustion. She tries to mention factual medical evidence to support that hypothesis, but he can't keep still. MULDER: "Dear Diary: Today my heart leapt when Agent Scully suggested spontaneous human combustion." SCULLY: "Mulder, shut up." YOU:
A) "Tell him off, sister! And trout-slap him for that s--t-eating grin of his!"
B) "Gee, when did Mulder start keeping a diary? Isn't he worried CancerMan would ever sneak a peek?..."
C) "OH GOD! HIS HEART LEAPT! YES! YES! YES! YES!" <gasp> <pant> <satisfying grin>
5) Mulder and Scully examine the crime scene. Scully tries to figure out how Mulder's suspect, Pinker, was able to get into a locked room and burn a guy in half right in the middle of a tornado. When Mulder taps his finger against a part of a wall that collapses instantly, you realize:
A) That they just don't build prison walls like they used to
B) That reprocessed egg-shell is just no substitute for Formica as building material
C) That Fox could pretend his finger hurts and get Dana to "nurse" him back to health... ;-)
6) Mulder and Scully examine Pinker Rawls' belongings. Mulder comes across a set of condoms. You:
A) Don't want to touch this topic
B) Note that condoms make for very poor water balloons... after all, you HOPE they don't break!
C) Grin wickedly and start writing a 400 page fanfic story on the more creative uses of <Writer gets an odd look from most everybody reading this> Well, I suppose not...
7) Meanwhile, in Vancouver, a woman tiding up an over-decorated house is eagerly trying to get her boyfriend to notice her magazine covers on brides. The guy, of course, is more interested in the TV, especially as it's showing cool footage of tornado damage and reporting the apparent death of Pinker Rawls. When June shatters her fancy china teacup, you realize:
A) That Martha Stewart apparently has more religious followers than Scully! Yikes!
B) That china from Wal-Mart does not constitute as "the good stuff"
C) That Dana shouldn't get any decorating tips from June when it comes time to move in to that dream house with Fox (post-wedding, naturally)!
8) Pinker Rawls is caught by a policeman whilst breaking into a discount store stealing clothes. The officer handcuffs Pinker and turns away to report in. When we next see Pinker he has slipped out of the cuffs and is busy driving off with the cop's car, so you deduce:
A) That Pinker Rawls' X-Files ability is to pass through the obstacles thrown up by the writers of this script. Just watch, the guy's going to escape from a room full of killer kitties any time now.
B) That the cop shouldn't have handcuffed Pinker right next to the WD-40 cans.
C) That Dana and Fox are going to flirt, uh, bicker over how Pinker keeps doing impossible things!
9) We next catch Pinker trashing a trailer home in search of something. The occupant, apparently an old friend of his, shows up and is surprised to see Pinker still alive. Pinker demands he "wants what's mine," scaring the other guy into pulling out his gun. Pinker is amused by the simplicity of this, letting his old friend pull the trigger. When the bullets don't do a damn thing to Pinker, you realize:
A) That Scully's going to have to melt down her silver cross to make a special bullet that COULD kill him! Oh, wait, silver only works on werewolves. Well, she should have done that LAST WEEK, it would have saved us the horror of a lame episode!... (note: it was the bad wolf episode, and no NO RELATION to Doctor Who's Bad Wolf)
B) That bullets NEVER work on this show! You're better off building a make-shift flamethrower!
C) That Dana and Fox don't need bullets! They've got condoms they can use! Uh, well, you know... <wicked grin>
10) Mulder and Scully arrive at the trailer, spotting the stolen police car. They go into SWAT!Mode, and go in with guns drawn and doors smashed. They spot the sitting form of Pinker's old friend. When the approach slowly to see what's what, you know:
A) That the Blessed One has the stomach to see what happened, but of course the Punk's going to get all freaked out about it
B) That having a face-to-face conversation with the dude is a moot point
C) That they can find more condoms in the bathroom... hey, c'mon, most everybody knows about safe sex nowadays!...
11) Mulder spots the remains of bullets in the far wall. He deduces what happened and tells Scully: Pinker Rawls has been altered at a molecular level, to where objects can pass through him and change matter to its basic components: wood into pulp, metal into shards, flesh into carbon. You expect Scully:
A) To trout-slap the Punk. Not because of his spooky theory, since it seems to fit the facts, but because he's got the car keys and won't let the Blessed Skeptic drive!
B) To roll her eyes, exclaim how impossible that is, and propose a new theory in which Pinker Rawls built himself a disintegrator gun...and brother, when it disintegrates, it disintegrates! <ZAP> Well, whadda ya know, it uh disintegrated... <many thanks to Chuck Jones>
C) To kiss Fox with a passion never seen before on television, and to propose some creative uses for those condoms! Well, you pretty much expect this all the time, really...
12) June gets a phone call from her nervous sister, who figures Pinker Rawls is loose and looking for revenge. Pinker does indeed arrive and June's sister runs for her bedroom, barricading herself inside. Next thing you know, Pinker strips off his clothes and passes through the door and the furniture, standing naked in the bedroom. You ponder to yourself:
A) So he has to take off his clothes for his powers to work? I don't think he'll be breaking into any banks this way any time soon!...
B) Pinker Rawls was the Naked Guy from UC of Berkeley? No wonder he was in jail!...
C) Why do we have to see this guy naked? It'd be so much nicer if it were Dana and Fox naked... in bed... sharing a bottle of red wine... <deep sigh>
13) Mulder and Scully show up, and again they kick down the door together with guns drawn and pumped for action. You:
A) Can't get enough of seeing SWAT!Scully! Damn, woman, kick down all the doors! Use them high heels! Yee-ha!
B) Wonder how much of a repair bill they're running up for the FBI... AD Kersh will NOT be pleased... oh, wait, they don't answer to him anymore...
C) LOVE seeing them in action together... IF ONLY they... well, you know... <hopeful grin>
14) Our heroes find Pinker has scrawled a message into the wall: "Give me what I want and I'll go away"... or something to that effect. They find out where his ex-girlfriend June is now hiding and go confront her about the money Pinker Rawls stole before his arrest. They upset June's current boyfriend, and end up taking June under protective custody. When Mulder taps the trunk of the car and watches it fall apart like a man electrically charged at a molecular level had passed through it, you realize:
A) That Scully's suitcase is no longer in the trunk. Damn you, Pinker! She had her peach lipstick in there!
B) That this scene would have been more effective if they hadn't shown the naked guy hiding in the trunk...AND with the trunk light on when it shouldn't be, just to make sure us clueless audience members knew what the writers wanted us to know! No duh!
C) That Dana and Fox would never break up if it was learned Dana had once dated a naked bank robber! Fox would not give up on his One-In-Five-Billion, after all! <sigh>
15) Mulder and Scully have the police take June into protective custody. Examining his last clue, Mulder spots an apparent weakness: Pinker can't pass through non-conductive materials like glass or rubber. Scully finds out what Pinker is really after: she finds medical documentation that June was pregnant. The audience gets to watch Pinker work his way into June's secured room via the ceiling: when that happens, you:
A) Conclude that Mulder's discovery is the more important clue as it proves there is a way to stop the MOTW <writer gets trout-slapped for his blasphemy against the Blessed Redhead>
B) Realize why Pinker's been leaving behind all of those condoms... <writer gets trout-slapped by his relatives for using such language>
C) AHA THE CONDOMS MAKE SENSE AFTER ALL! <writer gets slapped with the CAPS LOCK Key... now THIS hurts>
16) Too late, Mulder and Scully arrive at the hotel to survey the damage. They're trying to figure out what happened to June's pregnancy so they can figure out where to go. The records say was a boy born but there are no records of adoptions or anything other trace of the child. They realize June must have given her son to a relative, and when our heroes slowly raise their eyes to stare at each other, you consider their thoughts to be:
A) MULDER: "Gee, do you think they named the kid Marty?" SCULLY: "Who cares? Let's go kick some ass, you Punk!"
B) MULDER: "Do you realize this poor child has no chance to get a Darth Maul action figure?! I mean, those things flew off the shelves like you wouldn't believe!" SCULLY: "I know. The tyke probably got stuck with all those extra C3PO's..." (note: this was back when Episode I The Phantom Menace was due to come out. Yes, this IS old)
C) FOX: "I...LOVE you, DANA!" DANA: "I...LOVE you, FOX!" SKINNER (off-camera): "I...LOVE you, CarriK!"
17) Pinker forces June to take him back to her sister's house to meet his son Trevor. It's a tense moment as Pinker tries to talk calmly to the boy while the sisters shudder in fear. When the escaped convict nervously goes, "Uh... you're Trevor, right? Trevor Andrew. That's your name. My name is Pinker. But you can call me Pinky," you reply:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) "No, not Pinky you doof! <slap forehead in frustration> God, can you picture it now? 'What are we doing tomorrow night, Trevor?' 'The same thing we do every night, Pinky, try to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!' Augh..."
NOTE: For those of you wondering why June's sister had a lock on her pantry door, you might not have lived in the South. Down here, those weevils eating up your grits can get HUGE, hon!
18) June's sister does what she can to stop Pinky, uh, Pinker from taking the boy. She misses with the hot soup but nails him with the Pexiglass cookware. The boy runs, right in the direction of Mulder and Scully. Scully herds the child to safety while Mulder aims his rifle at Pinker. The convict, thinking bullets won't stop him, keeps moving. When Mulder fires and hits the guy with rubber bullets, and when Pinker gets this look on his face, you realize:
A) That rubber bullets are only meant to hurt the target, not wound or immobilize. Dammit, you Punk, you should have used a glass sword!
B) That Pinker is better off trying to lull Mulder into a trance by repeating the phrase "Cerulean is a gentle br..." <BLAM> Maybe not. Run, Pinky!
C) That both Dana and Fox are in their Protective!Mode showcasing how well they could be parenting with all those Emily clones... <deep sigh>
19) Pinker dodges the bullets by passing through a wall sans clothing. Now Scully has to deal with a Naked Guy chasing her and the boy. She leads Trevor by the hand racing to a nearby phone booth where the glass can protect them. As Pinker slams against the glass in frustration, screaming for his son, you:
A) Note the intuitive abilities of the Blessed One to protect children. And did you see that quiet no-look hand clasp between her and the boy? <reflective sigh> Dammit, CC, give Scully her ova back!!!
B) Wonder how big the psychiatrist's bill is going to be for Trevor when he's grown up all because his father walked around naked passing through walls and stuff
C) Hope Fox can hurry up and knock Pinker unconscious with a rubber mallet so he can pull Dana to safety and hug her like he did in the episode Irresistible...<deep sigh>
(additional note: crazy enough, even in 1999 those big glass phone booths were kinda rare. In this day and age of smartphones everywhere, this would be akin to Scully getting on a horse to chase down a Ford Mustang)
20) Pinker looks at his son, and realization sets in that he could never be accepted as a father. He turns away and stumbles into the street, where June drives up to slam him. Pinker passes through the front end of the car easily enough, but that windshield...ouch. Mulder runs up and passes judgment on the whole episode with these words of wisdom: "Gabba Gabba Hey." As the credits roll, you:
A) Wish Scully would be the one to make the big dramatic statement at the end...<picture it being similar to Peter Graves' speech at the end of "It! Conquered the World">
B) Nod in appreciation to the writers' deft handling of the MOTW. Most other writers would have had him crushed by a large wooden rabbit!
C) Still believe that Dana and Fox have a second chance in the movie sequel... damn bee! <mutter> <grumble>
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSE acolyte who just LOVED watching Scully kick in those doors and wave around her gun and get all protective and stuff. You just hope next week she gets to drive the car!...
B) Then you are an X-Phile who wondered why Pinker didn't just roll up a sleeve and pass his arm through the door and unlock it without having to strip down... It's like, dude, show some modesty!
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who wondered why Dana and Fox didn't strip down so they could pass through solid objects and stuff... well, they could have TRIED!!! And if it didn't work, they could have tried the condoms! <THOSE would have worked!> <sigh>
So, how bad is the damage so far?
Showing posts with label monster of the week. Show all posts
Showing posts with label monster of the week. Show all posts
Sunday, September 4, 2016
Sunday, July 10, 2016
X-Files: Kitsunegari 'Shipper Survey
I have to note this upcoming survey was for a pretty weak episode. A sequel to one of the best episodes "Pusher", this was an unwelcome follow-up to what had been a powerful stand-alone Monster of the Week story. It wasn't particularly inventive with the plot or the twists and scary deaths. So if the survey seems flat, the episode was flat.
Oh, one other thing: I like the color blue, but I liked it waaaaaaaaay before I even started watching the Cerulean-Files. Uh, I mean X-Cerulean. Uh, is a gentle breeze. Wait. WAIT MY MIND IS MY CERULEAN BLUUUUUUUeeeee (drools)
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: KITSUNEGARI
: SPOILER Space for those who watched Babylon 5 instead...
: In SPOILER SPACE noone can hear you say "I'm fine, Mulder"...;-)
1) As the episode opened with the first look at the blankless stare of Robert Patrick Modell, the Pusher, your first thought was:
A) "Gee, he looks about as emotional as all of the characters are going to get this episode!"
B) "Cerulean! Cerruuuuuulean..."
C) "Oh, BOY! More hand-holding by Dana and Fox!!!"
2) As Mulder, Scully, and Skinner detailed the search team on the hunt for the escaped Pusher, did you:
A) Want Scully to finish off the speech-making with a Psalm quote and a hearty "Let's go get that bastard!"
B) Find yourself flashing back to that Babylon 5 episode where...oh, wait, cerulean...cerruuuuulean...
C) Wait for the officers to leave so Dana and Fox can get close and whisper their thoughts and theories to each other in a highly romantic setting like somewhere behind the boiler
3) As they found the prosecutor dead of paint ingestion, you found yourself focusing on:
A) The byzantine, surreal Japanese writing on the wall, hinting at the darkness to come against our heroes
B) The paint was cerulean blue! Cerulean.......
C) The fact Dana knows what a wedding ring looks like, and hope that prefigures something to come...(deep sigh)
4) As Mulder stumbled away from his confrontation with Modell, a blank expression on his face, did you:
A) Want Scully to slap him right then and there
B) Wonder if he's switching the color of his Speedos from red to cerulean blue...cerulean...
C) Want Dana to hug him and console him and tell him he'll be fine and then (deleted to protect sensitive X-Philers)
5) When Mulder determined that the prosecutor's wife (I call her Pushyr) was the real culprit even though Scully disagreed and Skinner ordered him off the case, did you:
A) say to yourself "What the hell has gotten into you, Punk?!"
B) mutter "brush...paint...cerulean..."
C) run screaming from the room yelling "Oh GOD NO! THE RIFT! THE RIFT!!!"
6) As the physical therapist calmly reached for the fuse box, your first thought was:
A) "Oh MY GOD! Her's name's really Kenny! You bastards!!!!"
B) You had no thoughts... your mind is blank expect for the color blue... ceruuulean blue...
C) "Scully, I had to call and check on you. By the way, does your cell phone have a surge protector?..."
7) As Pushyr came to visit Pusher in the hospital, as Modell slowly died under the watch of his sisterly feminine half, did you:
A) Wonder why this was the most emotional moment in an otherwise flat and unemotional episode
B) Think only of... you know the color by now!!!
C) Hope that Fox will recognize and accept his feminine half in Dana and finally quit his job, settle down with Dana on a small farm in Montana, and raise an army of Emily hybrids
8) When Mulder watched "Scully" shoot herself in the warehouse, your first thought was:
A) "That'll never happen! The Enigmatic One can never be pushed!!!"
B) -blank stare-
C) "NOOO! Now Fox is stuck with the UNiBlonder!!! NOOOOO!"
9) As the real Scully shot the real Pushyr standing behind Mulder, your reaction was:
A) "At last! Scully gets to shoot a blonde!!!"
B) Standing at attention and singing "Inna Gadda Da Vida" in German. I have no idea why.
C) Sigh with relief that Fox had enough sense to hold his fire and that Dana had enough practice with her aim!
10) As the episode ended, with Mulder pondering a possible defeat even though he won Pushyr's game, your final thought was:
A) "He would feel that way. Everybody's emotions have been whacked out of orbit this episode..."
B) "I will avenge my mistress Pushyr upon you... cerulean... ceruuuuuulean..."
C) "Oh NO! He's referring to the RIFT!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!...." (weeps uncontrollably)
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who's confused by all the emotionless acting this episode
B) Then you are a mind-slave of the Pushyr and will paint your house/ apartment/ college dorm cerulean blue before getting dragged off by the OBSSErs assigned to capture all of Pushyr's victims
C) Then you are a 'Shipper terrified of one thing...one unmentionable plot development...that...that...NOOOOO, the RIFT IS RETURNING! (runs) (hides) (watches the dance scene from Post-Modern Prometheus to stay sane)
Just remember, kids: Cerulean Blue is a gentle breeze... a gentle breeeeeeeeze... CEERRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUULEAN...
Oh, one other thing: I like the color blue, but I liked it waaaaaaaaay before I even started watching the Cerulean-Files. Uh, I mean X-Cerulean. Uh, is a gentle breeze. Wait. WAIT MY MIND IS MY CERULEAN BLUUUUUUUeeeee (drools)
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: KITSUNEGARI
: SPOILER Space for those who watched Babylon 5 instead...
: In SPOILER SPACE noone can hear you say "I'm fine, Mulder"...;-)
1) As the episode opened with the first look at the blankless stare of Robert Patrick Modell, the Pusher, your first thought was:
A) "Gee, he looks about as emotional as all of the characters are going to get this episode!"
B) "Cerulean! Cerruuuuuulean..."
C) "Oh, BOY! More hand-holding by Dana and Fox!!!"
2) As Mulder, Scully, and Skinner detailed the search team on the hunt for the escaped Pusher, did you:
A) Want Scully to finish off the speech-making with a Psalm quote and a hearty "Let's go get that bastard!"
B) Find yourself flashing back to that Babylon 5 episode where...oh, wait, cerulean...cerruuuuulean...
C) Wait for the officers to leave so Dana and Fox can get close and whisper their thoughts and theories to each other in a highly romantic setting like somewhere behind the boiler
3) As they found the prosecutor dead of paint ingestion, you found yourself focusing on:
A) The byzantine, surreal Japanese writing on the wall, hinting at the darkness to come against our heroes
B) The paint was cerulean blue! Cerulean.......
C) The fact Dana knows what a wedding ring looks like, and hope that prefigures something to come...(deep sigh)
4) As Mulder stumbled away from his confrontation with Modell, a blank expression on his face, did you:
A) Want Scully to slap him right then and there
B) Wonder if he's switching the color of his Speedos from red to cerulean blue...cerulean...
C) Want Dana to hug him and console him and tell him he'll be fine and then (deleted to protect sensitive X-Philers)
5) When Mulder determined that the prosecutor's wife (I call her Pushyr) was the real culprit even though Scully disagreed and Skinner ordered him off the case, did you:
A) say to yourself "What the hell has gotten into you, Punk?!"
B) mutter "brush...paint...cerulean..."
C) run screaming from the room yelling "Oh GOD NO! THE RIFT! THE RIFT!!!"
6) As the physical therapist calmly reached for the fuse box, your first thought was:
A) "Oh MY GOD! Her's name's really Kenny! You bastards!!!!"
B) You had no thoughts... your mind is blank expect for the color blue... ceruuulean blue...
C) "Scully, I had to call and check on you. By the way, does your cell phone have a surge protector?..."
7) As Pushyr came to visit Pusher in the hospital, as Modell slowly died under the watch of his sisterly feminine half, did you:
A) Wonder why this was the most emotional moment in an otherwise flat and unemotional episode
B) Think only of... you know the color by now!!!
C) Hope that Fox will recognize and accept his feminine half in Dana and finally quit his job, settle down with Dana on a small farm in Montana, and raise an army of Emily hybrids
8) When Mulder watched "Scully" shoot herself in the warehouse, your first thought was:
A) "That'll never happen! The Enigmatic One can never be pushed!!!"
B) -blank stare-
C) "NOOO! Now Fox is stuck with the UNiBlonder!!! NOOOOO!"
9) As the real Scully shot the real Pushyr standing behind Mulder, your reaction was:
A) "At last! Scully gets to shoot a blonde!!!"
B) Standing at attention and singing "Inna Gadda Da Vida" in German. I have no idea why.
C) Sigh with relief that Fox had enough sense to hold his fire and that Dana had enough practice with her aim!
10) As the episode ended, with Mulder pondering a possible defeat even though he won Pushyr's game, your final thought was:
A) "He would feel that way. Everybody's emotions have been whacked out of orbit this episode..."
B) "I will avenge my mistress Pushyr upon you... cerulean... ceruuuuuulean..."
C) "Oh NO! He's referring to the RIFT!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!...." (weeps uncontrollably)
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who's confused by all the emotionless acting this episode
B) Then you are a mind-slave of the Pushyr and will paint your house/ apartment/ college dorm cerulean blue before getting dragged off by the OBSSErs assigned to capture all of Pushyr's victims
C) Then you are a 'Shipper terrified of one thing...one unmentionable plot development...that...that...NOOOOO, the RIFT IS RETURNING! (runs) (hides) (watches the dance scene from Post-Modern Prometheus to stay sane)
Just remember, kids: Cerulean Blue is a gentle breeze... a gentle breeeeeeeeze... CEERRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUULEAN...
 |
| CERULEAN! |
Monday, June 20, 2016
X-Files: Chinga 'Shipper Survey
So, one of the things that happens with a successful horror/sci-fi/supernatural show getting into later seasons is that the producers get desperate for gimmicks and attention grabbers to avoid flagging ratings. Sometimes in the form of guest stars (Burt Reynolds?), or wacky crossovers (X-Cops) or Sweeps Week Lesbian Kissing (it has its own trope).
Sometimes it's in the form of famous horror/fantasy writers contributing a script, bringing in their own brand of character tics, plot devices, and bloody mayhem.
So of course they called in Stephen King.
"Can I do it about food?" He probably asked Chris Carter.
"What are you, Weird Al?"
"Can I at least set the story in Maine, even though there's no godforsaken reason to set a story there?"
"As long as you don't set it in Cabot Cove and violate Murder, She Wrote copyrights, knock yourself out!"
And so he did. And after waking up from the concussion, he wrote this script.
Which begs the question: WHAT THE HELL IS A CHINGA?
Senseless 'Shipper Survey- Chinga
(note: this was still early into Season Five when I didn't draw out the surveys into more than 20 questions or so. I've also cleaned up some of the survey with better details and hopefully funnier punchlines...)
1) As the show opened with a bratty little kid and her evil Twilight Zone doll wrecking havoc in a grocery store, your first thought was:
A) "At last! An X-File where St. Scully solves something without getting angsty!"
B) "Did Stephen King ever get ripped off at the local Publix or something? He really has it in for grocers..."
C) "Wait! That woman looks like Samantha! Dana will find her, end Fox's quest, and allow themselves the chance to settle down and develop a relationship! Yay!"
2) When Scully drove into town, convertible top down and classical music playing, all fashionable in blue jeans and t-shirt, did you:
A) want to buy a touristy t-shirt yourself so you could emulate the enigmatic one
B) wonder how much the gas costs in Vancouver... uh, Maine
C) know that Fox was beeping on the cell phone with helpful tourist tips and a possible marriage proposal (we have, after all, read the SPOILERs)
3) Scully calls in the bizarre mutilations and death in the grocery store. Mulder rattles off the X-File idea of witchcraft. Scully counters by rattling off everything she knows on the occult- and brother is it everything, like so:
SCULLY: Like evidence of conjuring
or the black arts
or shamanism,
divination,
Wicca
or any kind of pagan
or neo-Pagan practice.
Charms, cards, familiars, blood-stones,
or hex signs
or any of the ritual tableaux
associated with the occult,
Santeria,
Voudoun,
Macumba,
or any high or low magic?
MULDER (aroused): Scully... MARRY ME.
You wanted Scully's response to be:
A) "Not now, Mulder, I'm solving the case."
B) "I'm grateful that my arcane knowledge impresses you. Does this mean I can have my own desk now?"
C) You wanted Dana to say "YES!", but you were too busy overdosing on orgasmic bliss to care!
4) Typical as always: Scully finally gets in a good bath and the phone starts ringing. Your response to the entire situation is to:
A) Call up to the show with a Scullyrita recipe so the Blessed One can enjoy that too while she soaks
B) Wonder at the impressive bubble placement in the bathtub!
C) Want Dana to answer the phone, dressed conservatively of course, so she can hear Fox offer more possible solutions and almost certainly another marriage proposal...(sigh)
5) More bizarre deaths in a small Maine fishing community. Who could possibly solve it? (informed this is getting too close to copyright violations) When the town sheriff asks Scully if she's technically still on vacation, a subtle asking for her help in this case, did you:
A) Celebrate yet another "authority figure" bowing before the wisdom and strength of St. Scully
B) Realize that Scully wasn't wearing the t-shirt anymore, proving that she already knows the vacation is shot to bleep
C) Worry that "Jack" and Scully were getting a mite too familiar with each other...EEEK NO NOT THE RIFT
6) Scully finds out the doll the little girl lugs around everywhere wasn't bought in a shop or a yard sale, but recovered mysteriously by her now-dead father who dragged it in off a fishing net. You realize:
A) Scully had it lucky: Her father brought her GI Joe action figures from the Navy commissary!
B) Isn't it typical for East Coast fishermen to be dragging in devil dolls like that? But wait, devil dolls weren't in season that month!
C) That Fox hasn't called back with another marriage proposal. Maybe he's shopping for a ring first...
7) Scully and Jack the Sheriff arrive in time to see the devil doll force the poor mommy to hit herself with a hammer. As Scully politely asked the little girl for the doll so she could toss it into the microwave, you realize:
A) St. Scully has the patience of a...well, saint. :)
B) That somebody should have made the mental connection before now: doll, dead people, doll, dead people, evil doll = lots of death, Hey Jack toss that doll into the microwave, will ya?
C) Dana's real good with children, if only she accepted that marriage proposal from Fox and settled down in Montana to raise Emily hybrids...(sigh)
8) Mulder has been left the whole weekend watching bee movies (NO NOT THE BEES), bouncing the ball, and sharpening the pencils. Scully arrives having defeated the forces of darkness, finally asking about his poster and discovering the bizarre case of pencils being where they shouldn't be. Your closing thoughts were:
A) "See? The PUNK doesn't know what to do with himself while the Enigmatic One's away! And that wouldn't happen to the pencils if they had a proper storage area, like Scully's new desk, hint hint!!!!!"
B) "Who helped Stephen on the story? It looks like...Darin?!? At least it wasn't Shiban!..."
C) "Who cares about the pencils? Dammit, Fox, make that marriage proposal again!!!!"
If you more often than not answered:
A) then you are an OBSSEr who's grateful Scully knew how to play with dolls
B) then you are an X-Phile oddly surprised that a guest writer didn't stick up the place with his first script
C) then you are a 'Shipper wondering why Dana didn't say YES dammit to Fox's marriage proposal, and Valentine's Day right around the corner and everything...(here's your Sweeps Week ratings grabber, network execs! Weddings!)
Now, who wants pictures of Gillian as Lucille Ball?
Sometimes it's in the form of famous horror/fantasy writers contributing a script, bringing in their own brand of character tics, plot devices, and bloody mayhem.
So of course they called in Stephen King.
"Can I do it about food?" He probably asked Chris Carter.
"What are you, Weird Al?"
"Can I at least set the story in Maine, even though there's no godforsaken reason to set a story there?"
"As long as you don't set it in Cabot Cove and violate Murder, She Wrote copyrights, knock yourself out!"
And so he did. And after waking up from the concussion, he wrote this script.
Which begs the question: WHAT THE HELL IS A CHINGA?
Senseless 'Shipper Survey- Chinga
(note: this was still early into Season Five when I didn't draw out the surveys into more than 20 questions or so. I've also cleaned up some of the survey with better details and hopefully funnier punchlines...)
1) As the show opened with a bratty little kid and her evil Twilight Zone doll wrecking havoc in a grocery store, your first thought was:
A) "At last! An X-File where St. Scully solves something without getting angsty!"
B) "Did Stephen King ever get ripped off at the local Publix or something? He really has it in for grocers..."
C) "Wait! That woman looks like Samantha! Dana will find her, end Fox's quest, and allow themselves the chance to settle down and develop a relationship! Yay!"
2) When Scully drove into town, convertible top down and classical music playing, all fashionable in blue jeans and t-shirt, did you:
A) want to buy a touristy t-shirt yourself so you could emulate the enigmatic one
B) wonder how much the gas costs in Vancouver... uh, Maine
C) know that Fox was beeping on the cell phone with helpful tourist tips and a possible marriage proposal (we have, after all, read the SPOILERs)
3) Scully calls in the bizarre mutilations and death in the grocery store. Mulder rattles off the X-File idea of witchcraft. Scully counters by rattling off everything she knows on the occult- and brother is it everything, like so:
SCULLY: Like evidence of conjuring
or the black arts
or shamanism,
divination,
Wicca
or any kind of pagan
or neo-Pagan practice.
Charms, cards, familiars, blood-stones,
or hex signs
or any of the ritual tableaux
associated with the occult,
Santeria,
Voudoun,
Macumba,
or any high or low magic?
MULDER (aroused): Scully... MARRY ME.
You wanted Scully's response to be:
A) "Not now, Mulder, I'm solving the case."
B) "I'm grateful that my arcane knowledge impresses you. Does this mean I can have my own desk now?"
C) You wanted Dana to say "YES!", but you were too busy overdosing on orgasmic bliss to care!
4) Typical as always: Scully finally gets in a good bath and the phone starts ringing. Your response to the entire situation is to:
A) Call up to the show with a Scullyrita recipe so the Blessed One can enjoy that too while she soaks
B) Wonder at the impressive bubble placement in the bathtub!
C) Want Dana to answer the phone, dressed conservatively of course, so she can hear Fox offer more possible solutions and almost certainly another marriage proposal...(sigh)
5) More bizarre deaths in a small Maine fishing community. Who could possibly solve it? (
A) Celebrate yet another "authority figure" bowing before the wisdom and strength of St. Scully
B) Realize that Scully wasn't wearing the t-shirt anymore, proving that she already knows the vacation is shot to bleep
C) Worry that "Jack" and Scully were getting a mite too familiar with each other...EEEK NO NOT THE RIFT
6) Scully finds out the doll the little girl lugs around everywhere wasn't bought in a shop or a yard sale, but recovered mysteriously by her now-dead father who dragged it in off a fishing net. You realize:
A) Scully had it lucky: Her father brought her GI Joe action figures from the Navy commissary!
B) Isn't it typical for East Coast fishermen to be dragging in devil dolls like that? But wait, devil dolls weren't in season that month!
C) That Fox hasn't called back with another marriage proposal. Maybe he's shopping for a ring first...
7) Scully and Jack the Sheriff arrive in time to see the devil doll force the poor mommy to hit herself with a hammer. As Scully politely asked the little girl for the doll so she could toss it into the microwave, you realize:
A) St. Scully has the patience of a...well, saint. :)
B) That somebody should have made the mental connection before now: doll, dead people, doll, dead people, evil doll = lots of death, Hey Jack toss that doll into the microwave, will ya?
C) Dana's real good with children, if only she accepted that marriage proposal from Fox and settled down in Montana to raise Emily hybrids...(sigh)
8) Mulder has been left the whole weekend watching bee movies (NO NOT THE BEES), bouncing the ball, and sharpening the pencils. Scully arrives having defeated the forces of darkness, finally asking about his poster and discovering the bizarre case of pencils being where they shouldn't be. Your closing thoughts were:
A) "See? The PUNK doesn't know what to do with himself while the Enigmatic One's away! And that wouldn't happen to the pencils if they had a proper storage area, like Scully's new desk, hint hint!!!!!"
B) "Who helped Stephen on the story? It looks like...Darin?!? At least it wasn't Shiban!..."
C) "Who cares about the pencils? Dammit, Fox, make that marriage proposal again!!!!"
If you more often than not answered:
A) then you are an OBSSEr who's grateful Scully knew how to play with dolls
B) then you are an X-Phile oddly surprised that a guest writer didn't stick up the place with his first script
C) then you are a 'Shipper wondering why Dana didn't say YES dammit to Fox's marriage proposal, and Valentine's Day right around the corner and everything...(here's your Sweeps Week ratings grabber, network execs! Weddings!)
Now, who wants pictures of Gillian as Lucille Ball?
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
X-Files: Arcadia 'Shipper Survey
'Cause I'm in the mood to mess with your lives, I've decided to post a Season Six survey on you and watch you suffer as you've never suffered before!
Nah, I kid. This one's not that bad.
Actually, I'm posting this because there was a Season Ten episode involving a Tulpa as the Monster of the Week, and it annoyed me that they messed with something we've already met. So I'm providing the evidence.
This is also an episode that proves that Dana and Fox should never live in the suburbs. Although if they did, they could have gotten Tessa from Suburgatory to babysit William.
Enjoy
ARCADIA
1) The episode begins in a peaceful, tranquil community, where the lawns are neatly trimmed, the mailboxes are freshly painted, and the neighbors are awful friendly. You know:
A) That this place is going to Hell in a handbasket!
B) That every person here is really a Stepford robot two nanoseconds away from blowing their circuits and going on a rampage like Yul Brenner in Westworld!
C) That Dana and Fox now can find this as the best place in the world where they can raise their hybrid Emily clones! <sigh>
2) After a particularly gruesome demise of a household couple that pulled the heinous act of placing a tacky weathervane on their house, the scene shifts months later to the same house where a woman waits nervously for the new arrivals. An SUV and U-Haul truck appear, and out steps the most startling sight in X-Files history: Mulder dressed as a preppie geek and Scully grinning from ear to ear wearing some sweater she must have borrowed from her sister-in-law (I don't think it's from her mother, Ma Scully seems to have better taste than that). You realize:
A) That the Prozac Scully prescribed for the Punk has driven him over the edge and has twisted him into an Izod-wearing doofus!
B) That the virulent strain of humanity once known as Preppies are still alive and roaming the hills of Los Angeles! Hide!
C) That they DID get married and settled down! YES!!!!!!!!! <blissful faint>
3) Our intrepid heroes introduce themselves as Rob and Laura Petrie. They do their best to play the part of a smiling happily-married couple, but you:
A) Notice the almost-grimace the Blessed One gives when the Punk squeezes too tight. Don't overact your part, you Punk! <trout-slap> No wonder you don't win any Emmys...
B) Wonder who it was who came up with the last name of "Petrie." What, is there something wrong with "Smith" or "Jones" or "Wartenberg"??? Those are perfectly acceptable names!!!
C) Remain in a blissful coma. So what if they changed their names, they're MARRIED!!! <deep blissful sigh>
4) 'Rob' and 'Laura' get a quick tour of their new home, with poor Laura struggling with the Welcome Wagon basket that's almost as big as she is. When they ask about the previous owners, the Welcome Lady gets nervous and runs off. When that happens, you:
A) Watch Scully wait until the coast is clear to shrug Mulder off before he squeezes her to death with all that hugging. And hey, 'Rob,' instead of just standing there like a Punk why don't you help your better half in getting a good grip on that Welcome Wagon basket! <mutter> <grumble>
B) Consider that woman to be a suspect. Just look at her shifty eyes, low brow, poor choice in pumps, etc.
C) Answer to the screen, "That's right, ma'am, please leave these two lovebirds alone right now! They need some private time to consummate the honeymoon!" <massive sigh>
5) They meet their neighbors soon enough, especially because of the "rule" that they have to be unpacked and moved in before 6 p.m. and they've only got forty-five minutes before the deadline. Everyone in the community shows up, hurriedly grabbing furniture and boxes and rushing them into the house. Mulder and Scully, uh, Mr. and Mrs. Petrie stand back and watch the hilarity ensue, until the local gentle giant Big Mike tries to carry in a box marked "china" and sadly lets it drop much to Dana's, uh Laura's dismay. You shout at the screen:
A) "No! Scully's secret stash of Hummel figurines destroyed by one man's carelessness! Mike, prepare to meet thy doom!!!" <trout-slap>
B) "Hey, Big Mike, why not try drop-kicking that box of magazines ole' Rob here marked `Psychology research!' I'm sure Laura won't mind seeing those moth-eaten Playpens fly into the nearest sewer!"
C) "NOOOOOO! That was their wedding present from Mrs. Scully! Die, Kube, Die!"
6) Everything gets moved in. The neighbors all wave good-bye. Our heroes are now left alone in their new home, and they stare at each other. SCULLY: "You ready?" MULDER: "Let's get it on, honey." SCULLY: "All right, then." For you, this means:
A) Scully's going to make him move all the heavy furniture in place while she reads her Capote novel in the corner whilst dispensing moving tips like "That'll look good over there" and "I'm sure that piano can go upstairs, hon."
B) They're repainting the walls? So soon? Ew, I HATED painting the walls at home!...
C) Dana's going to let Fox carry her over the threshold and into the bedroom! YES!!!!!! <faint>
7) We find out that Mulder and Scully were assigned undercover work by Skinner to this neighborhood to investigate the disappearance of several couples. As Scully pulls out her camcorder while Mulder digs for any trace of bloodstains, you state to yourself:
A) "That lab equipment Big Mike tossed for a touchdown was more valuable to the Blessed Skeptic than any dumb set of china! Kubiak, you're a dead man!"
B) "Hey! Where's the room for a foosball table? Damn! They should have asked for a crime scene with a game room or something!"
C) "So Skinner assigned them to be a married couple??? Yay, he's a 'Shipper!!! <celebratory noise-making>" (Note: technically this makes him a Shipper On Deck)
8) Mulder interrupts Scully's taping with a lame "You want to make that honeymoon video now?" You think Scully should answer:
A) "No. Now I want to make that women's self-defense tape! <begins pummeling the Punk> And to those of you watching today's taping, THIS is how you use an Ab-Roller to beat your jerk of a partner who won't let me get a desk in the basement again!"
B) "Not now, Mulder, I've spotted a rare repitilus muppetus, a lizard that looks remarkably like Yoda!" <zooms in for a close-up>
C) "But, lover, who gets to hold the videocam? <camera falls from her grip as Fox sweeps Dana off her feet> Ooh, never mind!"
9) Scully takes a moment to complain about the choice of names ("Rob and Laura Petrie?") and that she'd like to pick the names next time they're undercover. Mulder complains that this isn't really an X-File. SCULLY: "Sure it is. It's unexplained. What do you want, aliens? Tractor beams?" You:
A) Agree with Scully that not every case has to have aliens involved, and that it's perfectly okay to use their paranormal skills to hunt down those mutant dust bunnies hiding under the futon.
B) Did want aliens to be involved so there'd be extensive use of special effects, and you can be content that your uncle working in the sfx department can keep steady work
C) Wonder why they're so busy arguing in the kitchen when there's a perfectly good waterbed around here they can argue in!!! <faint>
10) Mulder thinks Scully just wants "to play house." You think:
A) That it's HER house? In HER name? Fine. Back to the basement for you, Spooky!
B) That Mulder should have gotten Scully that Malibu Barbie set for Christmas after all, instead of...of...what DID he give her for Christmas?...
C) That there's nothing wrong with that! Go with it, Fox! <sigh>
11) There's a ring of the doorbell. Scully goes to answer it while Mulder mockingly demands she make a sandwich for him. Her reply? A set of gloves tossed right into his face. You:
A) Cheer the Enigmatic One's moral victory and toss your own set of gloves you got autographed at the New York eXpo into the face of the Punk's voodoo doll sitting forlornly in the corner
B) Worry that Mulder really IS hungry and he'll chew the gloves
C) Feign disappointment at Fox's poor attitude about this relationship: marriage should be a compact of two equals, neither a master nor a servant to the other, but contentedly balanced in their duty and their love. Okay, so I'm a romantic at heart!...
12) You start to wonder what it would be like if Mulder and Scully really were married. You can picture one of these scenes:
A) Poor Sainted Scully scrubbing away at dirty dishes while Mulder and his geeky friends spill bean dip on HER freshly vacuumed carpets watching the Clippers lose - again - to the Wizards. Dammit, Frohike, use a coaster! <mutter> <grumble>
B) Poor Mulder stuck with yard work digging up worms for Scully's science projects while she sits inside eating cookie dough ice cream and complaining to her old high school girlfriends that he just doesn't give her any moral support
C) <explicit sexual acts of a prolonged and noticeably satisfying manner deleted to protect younger readers> <suffice to say, marital aids are really that>
13) Meanwhile, back at the ranch... The neighbors gather to chew the fat both figuratively and literally. They're figuring out who these Petries are. They gossip about what 'Rob' said about being a home worker, which to them means "she's got all the money." You:
A) Chortle (if you can't chortle, you can at least guffaw) at how the poor Punk is getting snickered at by the locals...tee hee
B) Worry that one of these neighbors is a peeping Tom and will catch our intrepid heroes acting like FBI agents
C) Worry that one of these neighbors is a peeping Tom and will catch our intrepid heroes acting out that stuff I wanted to write in Answer C) up on Question 12! Suffice to say, the peep will definitely need a cold shower afterwards! <wicked grin>
14) Big Mike asks if this time, they can warn their new neighbors 'Rob' and 'Laura' about what they're getting themselves into. The community leader Gogolak gives his assurances, which to you means:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Big Mike is our Red-Shirt Character of the Week! Okay, Chris, tell him what he won! Chris the Creator: "Well, Big Mike, you'll get a rather painful head wound! And that's not all!..."
15) The next day, one of the neighbors, Shroeder, is busy spraying off Big Mike's porch when Rob and Laura show up to return Mike's donated china. Shroeder asks if they slept peacefully, so 'Rob' replies they "spooned up" in bed and slept like kittens. "Isn't that right, Honey-Bunch?" 'Laura' grins a bit too much before answering "That's right, Poopy-Head." You:
A) Nod in satisfaction to the Blessed One's kick-ass response. She's been waiting YEARS to call the Punk 'Poopy-Head'! Bwha-ha-ha!
B) React in horror to what Mulder and Scully are calling each other. My GOD, do married couples say that ALL THE TIME?! <shudder> For once, the writer is glad to be a virgin!...
C) Faint in excited bliss. THEY SHARED A BED! <massive sigh>
16) 'Rob' is eager to set up his basketball set, so our intrepid heroes go to see Gogolak about the CC & R (Contracts, Covenants, and Regulations). Gogolak reads through the book like he's reading a Bible (even putting it reverently on a reading stand, nice touch!) And explains that basketball sets are prohibited in the name of order, civilization, and high property values. You realize:
A) That the poor Punk won't be able to drive Scully nuts with his incessant dribbling and will be forced to support the Blessed One in her quilting projects
B) That the CC & R is really the Necronomicon in disguise! (As a librarian, the writer can spot these things, you know...) Whatever you do, don't read page 1013!!!!!!!
C) That Dana and Fox, uh 'Laura' and 'Rob', look SOOOOO cute curled up like that on the sofa! They should do that every episode! <hopeful grin>
17) The 'Petries' go eat dinner with their new neighbors the Shroeders. The Shroeders are smily happy people, eagerly scarfing down dolphin-safe tuna. ("Dolphin-safe all the way") It's a scene of domestic bliss, the kind that makes you afraid everyone's been replaced by Pod People. It's almost a relief when 'Rob' tells the Shroeders he met 'Laura' at a UFO convention. When he mockingly notes "She's quite the New Ager," you reply:
A) "Sure, just like her sister. You see that crystal necklace, the one 'Laura' is shoving up 'Rob's' nose? Gift from her sister. And that dolphin-safe trout she's hitting him with? That's from her religious followers! <kneel> <genuflect>"
B) "You realize that while you're talking with these so-called people that Gogolak and his cronies are building Mulder and Scully duplicates! <scream> <flee>"
C) "I hope the newlyweds are playing footsies like they're in love instead of shin-kneeing like they're bickering! <whimper>"
18) The conversation turns unpleasant as our heroes ask the Shroeders about Big Mike's disappearance. The missus, Cami, excuses herself from the table so she could walk the dog. 'Laura' offers to join her, but as she stands up to leave 'Rob' reaches over for a kiss from his Snoogums. As 'Laura' kisses the air next to his face rather than on his lips, you:
A) Know she does it because Scully doesn't want his dolphin-safe tuna breath on her face!
B) Wonder if "walk the dog" is a euphemism for "taking a dump"...but then why would Scully go along? Hmm...women, to my knowledge, always go to bathrooms in groups, never alone. Is there...something in the toilet water? Something...dangerous?
C) Weep for the end of all things. Dammit, Dana, his lips were three inches over! You gotta work on your aim! <sob> <wail>
19) After a disturbing incident with the Shroeders' dog in front of Big Mike's empty house, Mulder and Scully meet back at the homestead to discuss their clues and plans of action. They discuss this while preparing for bed: Mulder stripping down to a grey t-shirt and casually (or slovenly, take your pick) tossing it aside, Scully dressed in nightgown using the bathroom, complaining about Mulder's inability to squeeze a tube of toothpaste properly and giving him a third warning about the toilet seat. Mulder flops onto the bed, intent apparently in sharing it with Scully <gasp> <pant>. But when Scully comes out wearing a mud facial, you:
A) Always wondered why the Blessed One looks so good! But why haven't we seen this facial stuff before? Oh, she's intentionally scaring a certain Spooky someone!
B) Ponder, as a virgin who grew up mostly with brothers, what the big deal is about the toilet seat
C) Scream in terror and jump out the window. Dana, don't DO that!!!
20) Mulder tries to stay in bed with a "Come on, Laura, you know... we're married now." She answers "Scully" and tells him goodnight. He retorts "The thrill is gone," while you retort:
A) "Hey, Punk, there's a reason she's not sharing the bed with you. You snore!"
B) "You're better off without her, Mulder. You don't want that facial mud in your hair!"
C) "You're damn right the thrill is gone! <weep> <wail> Dana, you didn't have to send him off to the futon! Nooooo... <cries> <gnashing of teeth>"
21) Mulder tries to disrupt the serenity of the neighborhood by planting a pink flamingo (travesty!) in the yard and, when that disappears, by trashing his mailbox. He waits and watches for hours to see what might happen. When he goes for only a minute to "walk the dog" as it were, he comes back to find the mailbox cleaned and fixed and containing a warning to "Be like the others." You:
A) Notice he didn't put the toilet seat back down when he went to walk the dog! You BASTID!
B) Scream in horror that Soylent Green is people! Oh, wait, wrong paranoid movie. Here we go: don't go to sleep! They get you in your sleep! Augh!
C) Suddenly discover there are no children in this neighborhood! Oh no! Emily hybrids are against the CC & R! Nooooo!
22) Mulder does the one thing that'll drive anyone insane: he starts shooting some hoops. You know:
A) His incessant dribbling is going to wake up the neighbors...and the sewer monster...and the seismic monitor two blocks down...and Lord Kimbote down in Inner Earth...and...
B) Mulder's ability to dribble well and yet throw bricks comes from the genetic tinkering CancerMan and his Reticulan cronies did on him before the Big Game against Gonzaga
C) That the only one-on-one you're interested in watching doesn't involve dribbling...but lots and lots of illegal contact! <wicked grin>
23) After witnessing an assault on the Shroeders, Mulder discovers there's something under the ground. Scully found something too: the entire community was built atop a landfill. Mulder wants to do some digging, and he grabs a copy of the CC & R and uses it as an excuse to put a reflective pool in the front yard. As the neighbors whisper evilly amongst themselves, you ponder:
A) What Scully has to do to get a sundeck added in the backyard. She needs a sundeck! (Sister Autumn passes on a message about redheads being a tad sensitive to tanning.) Oh. Uh. BBQ grill. She needs a BBQ grill!
B) Where Mulder got a copy of the CC & R. Who did he deal with to get that book?... Oh, THAT'S who he dealt with... Oh, dear.
C) Why 'Rob' and 'Laura' didn't add a hot tub! PLEASE!...
24) Mulder digs up evidence that Gogolak was behind the tacky knick-knack that killed the previous house owners. He confronts the community elder with an educated guess that he and the others created a "Tulpa," a kind of guardian that makes sure the neighborhood remains safe and clean...as long as the rules are obeyed. Scully, meanwhile calls for an excavation team out to 450 Autumn Terrace (Hey! When do *I* get a street named after me?...) when all of a sudden Big Mike re-appears to protect her from the sewer monster. As the action picks up with blood, violence, and mud, you:
A) Want Big Mike to ship back to "ER" where he belongs and get that head wound checked, and let Scully defend herself, dammit! She never gets to beat the mud monsters! :-(
B) Know if it was your mother's house, she'd be extremely ticked off with all those carpet stains!
C) Get upset that there hasn't been one opportunity for 'Rob' and 'Laura' to hold hands!
25) Mulder leaves Gogolak chained to the mailbox while he rushes into the home to find Scully. Gogolak struggles, wrecking the mailbox and bringing forth the wrath of the Tulpa. The monster then moves steadily toward Mulder, his arms reaching out to crush this puny mortal...until Gogolak finally croaks, at which point Mud Boy collapses into a pile of, well, mud. The scene shifts to the next day, when Mulder and Scully pack up and head back to D.C. While Scully uses her gifted voice (ahhhhh) to recite yet another Big Speech about the conspiracy of silence in the dark world of Suburbia, you conclude:
A) That Scully's monologues need a few Biblical quotes thrown in...nah, that'd be too preachy...
B) That we'd all be better off staying in apartments and RVs and avoid these deed-restricted communities! Those places can kill ya!
C) That Dana and Fox are better off finding a better place to raise their hybrid kids. Hey, there's a nice new community out near Three Mile Island!...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you're an OBSSEr who's decided to emulate the Blessed One's beauty secrets: Play-Doh! <writer gets killed by ensuing mob>
B) Then you're an X-Philer who knew that planting a pink flamingo in your yard will mark you for death!
C) Then you're a 'Shipper who's convinced Dana and Fox are still married! You didn't see any divorce lawyers when they left, did you? No you didn't. SO THERE! YAY! <contented cheer>
Nah, I kid. This one's not that bad.
Actually, I'm posting this because there was a Season Ten episode involving a Tulpa as the Monster of the Week, and it annoyed me that they messed with something we've already met. So I'm providing the evidence.
This is also an episode that proves that Dana and Fox should never live in the suburbs. Although if they did, they could have gotten Tessa from Suburgatory to babysit William.
Enjoy
ARCADIA
1) The episode begins in a peaceful, tranquil community, where the lawns are neatly trimmed, the mailboxes are freshly painted, and the neighbors are awful friendly. You know:
A) That this place is going to Hell in a handbasket!
B) That every person here is really a Stepford robot two nanoseconds away from blowing their circuits and going on a rampage like Yul Brenner in Westworld!
C) That Dana and Fox now can find this as the best place in the world where they can raise their hybrid Emily clones! <sigh>
2) After a particularly gruesome demise of a household couple that pulled the heinous act of placing a tacky weathervane on their house, the scene shifts months later to the same house where a woman waits nervously for the new arrivals. An SUV and U-Haul truck appear, and out steps the most startling sight in X-Files history: Mulder dressed as a preppie geek and Scully grinning from ear to ear wearing some sweater she must have borrowed from her sister-in-law (I don't think it's from her mother, Ma Scully seems to have better taste than that). You realize:
A) That the Prozac Scully prescribed for the Punk has driven him over the edge and has twisted him into an Izod-wearing doofus!
B) That the virulent strain of humanity once known as Preppies are still alive and roaming the hills of Los Angeles! Hide!
C) That they DID get married and settled down! YES!!!!!!!!! <blissful faint>
3) Our intrepid heroes introduce themselves as Rob and Laura Petrie. They do their best to play the part of a smiling happily-married couple, but you:
A) Notice the almost-grimace the Blessed One gives when the Punk squeezes too tight. Don't overact your part, you Punk! <trout-slap> No wonder you don't win any Emmys...
B) Wonder who it was who came up with the last name of "Petrie." What, is there something wrong with "Smith" or "Jones" or "Wartenberg"??? Those are perfectly acceptable names!!!
C) Remain in a blissful coma. So what if they changed their names, they're MARRIED!!! <deep blissful sigh>
4) 'Rob' and 'Laura' get a quick tour of their new home, with poor Laura struggling with the Welcome Wagon basket that's almost as big as she is. When they ask about the previous owners, the Welcome Lady gets nervous and runs off. When that happens, you:
A) Watch Scully wait until the coast is clear to shrug Mulder off before he squeezes her to death with all that hugging. And hey, 'Rob,' instead of just standing there like a Punk why don't you help your better half in getting a good grip on that Welcome Wagon basket! <mutter> <grumble>
B) Consider that woman to be a suspect. Just look at her shifty eyes, low brow, poor choice in pumps, etc.
C) Answer to the screen, "That's right, ma'am, please leave these two lovebirds alone right now! They need some private time to consummate the honeymoon!" <massive sigh>
5) They meet their neighbors soon enough, especially because of the "rule" that they have to be unpacked and moved in before 6 p.m. and they've only got forty-five minutes before the deadline. Everyone in the community shows up, hurriedly grabbing furniture and boxes and rushing them into the house. Mulder and Scully, uh, Mr. and Mrs. Petrie stand back and watch the hilarity ensue, until the local gentle giant Big Mike tries to carry in a box marked "china" and sadly lets it drop much to Dana's, uh Laura's dismay. You shout at the screen:
A) "No! Scully's secret stash of Hummel figurines destroyed by one man's carelessness! Mike, prepare to meet thy doom!!!" <trout-slap>
B) "Hey, Big Mike, why not try drop-kicking that box of magazines ole' Rob here marked `Psychology research!' I'm sure Laura won't mind seeing those moth-eaten Playpens fly into the nearest sewer!"
C) "NOOOOOO! That was their wedding present from Mrs. Scully! Die, Kube, Die!"
6) Everything gets moved in. The neighbors all wave good-bye. Our heroes are now left alone in their new home, and they stare at each other. SCULLY: "You ready?" MULDER: "Let's get it on, honey." SCULLY: "All right, then." For you, this means:
A) Scully's going to make him move all the heavy furniture in place while she reads her Capote novel in the corner whilst dispensing moving tips like "That'll look good over there" and "I'm sure that piano can go upstairs, hon."
B) They're repainting the walls? So soon? Ew, I HATED painting the walls at home!...
C) Dana's going to let Fox carry her over the threshold and into the bedroom! YES!!!!!! <faint>
7) We find out that Mulder and Scully were assigned undercover work by Skinner to this neighborhood to investigate the disappearance of several couples. As Scully pulls out her camcorder while Mulder digs for any trace of bloodstains, you state to yourself:
A) "That lab equipment Big Mike tossed for a touchdown was more valuable to the Blessed Skeptic than any dumb set of china! Kubiak, you're a dead man!"
B) "Hey! Where's the room for a foosball table? Damn! They should have asked for a crime scene with a game room or something!"
C) "So Skinner assigned them to be a married couple??? Yay, he's a 'Shipper!!! <celebratory noise-making>" (Note: technically this makes him a Shipper On Deck)
8) Mulder interrupts Scully's taping with a lame "You want to make that honeymoon video now?" You think Scully should answer:
A) "No. Now I want to make that women's self-defense tape! <begins pummeling the Punk> And to those of you watching today's taping, THIS is how you use an Ab-Roller to beat your jerk of a partner who won't let me get a desk in the basement again!"
B) "Not now, Mulder, I've spotted a rare repitilus muppetus, a lizard that looks remarkably like Yoda!" <zooms in for a close-up>
C) "But, lover, who gets to hold the videocam? <camera falls from her grip as Fox sweeps Dana off her feet> Ooh, never mind!"
9) Scully takes a moment to complain about the choice of names ("Rob and Laura Petrie?") and that she'd like to pick the names next time they're undercover. Mulder complains that this isn't really an X-File. SCULLY: "Sure it is. It's unexplained. What do you want, aliens? Tractor beams?" You:
A) Agree with Scully that not every case has to have aliens involved, and that it's perfectly okay to use their paranormal skills to hunt down those mutant dust bunnies hiding under the futon.
B) Did want aliens to be involved so there'd be extensive use of special effects, and you can be content that your uncle working in the sfx department can keep steady work
C) Wonder why they're so busy arguing in the kitchen when there's a perfectly good waterbed around here they can argue in!!! <faint>
10) Mulder thinks Scully just wants "to play house." You think:
A) That it's HER house? In HER name? Fine. Back to the basement for you, Spooky!
B) That Mulder should have gotten Scully that Malibu Barbie set for Christmas after all, instead of...of...what DID he give her for Christmas?...
C) That there's nothing wrong with that! Go with it, Fox! <sigh>
11) There's a ring of the doorbell. Scully goes to answer it while Mulder mockingly demands she make a sandwich for him. Her reply? A set of gloves tossed right into his face. You:
A) Cheer the Enigmatic One's moral victory and toss your own set of gloves you got autographed at the New York eXpo into the face of the Punk's voodoo doll sitting forlornly in the corner
B) Worry that Mulder really IS hungry and he'll chew the gloves
C) Feign disappointment at Fox's poor attitude about this relationship: marriage should be a compact of two equals, neither a master nor a servant to the other, but contentedly balanced in their duty and their love. Okay, so I'm a romantic at heart!...
12) You start to wonder what it would be like if Mulder and Scully really were married. You can picture one of these scenes:
A) Poor Sainted Scully scrubbing away at dirty dishes while Mulder and his geeky friends spill bean dip on HER freshly vacuumed carpets watching the Clippers lose - again - to the Wizards. Dammit, Frohike, use a coaster! <mutter> <grumble>
B) Poor Mulder stuck with yard work digging up worms for Scully's science projects while she sits inside eating cookie dough ice cream and complaining to her old high school girlfriends that he just doesn't give her any moral support
C) <explicit sexual acts of a prolonged and noticeably satisfying manner deleted to protect younger readers> <suffice to say, marital aids are really that>
13) Meanwhile, back at the ranch... The neighbors gather to chew the fat both figuratively and literally. They're figuring out who these Petries are. They gossip about what 'Rob' said about being a home worker, which to them means "she's got all the money." You:
A) Chortle (if you can't chortle, you can at least guffaw) at how the poor Punk is getting snickered at by the locals...tee hee
B) Worry that one of these neighbors is a peeping Tom and will catch our intrepid heroes acting like FBI agents
C) Worry that one of these neighbors is a peeping Tom and will catch our intrepid heroes acting out that stuff I wanted to write in Answer C) up on Question 12! Suffice to say, the peep will definitely need a cold shower afterwards! <wicked grin>
14) Big Mike asks if this time, they can warn their new neighbors 'Rob' and 'Laura' about what they're getting themselves into. The community leader Gogolak gives his assurances, which to you means:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Big Mike is our Red-Shirt Character of the Week! Okay, Chris, tell him what he won! Chris the Creator: "Well, Big Mike, you'll get a rather painful head wound! And that's not all!..."
15) The next day, one of the neighbors, Shroeder, is busy spraying off Big Mike's porch when Rob and Laura show up to return Mike's donated china. Shroeder asks if they slept peacefully, so 'Rob' replies they "spooned up" in bed and slept like kittens. "Isn't that right, Honey-Bunch?" 'Laura' grins a bit too much before answering "That's right, Poopy-Head." You:
A) Nod in satisfaction to the Blessed One's kick-ass response. She's been waiting YEARS to call the Punk 'Poopy-Head'! Bwha-ha-ha!
B) React in horror to what Mulder and Scully are calling each other. My GOD, do married couples say that ALL THE TIME?! <shudder> For once, the writer is glad to be a virgin!...
C) Faint in excited bliss. THEY SHARED A BED! <massive sigh>
16) 'Rob' is eager to set up his basketball set, so our intrepid heroes go to see Gogolak about the CC & R (Contracts, Covenants, and Regulations). Gogolak reads through the book like he's reading a Bible (even putting it reverently on a reading stand, nice touch!) And explains that basketball sets are prohibited in the name of order, civilization, and high property values. You realize:
A) That the poor Punk won't be able to drive Scully nuts with his incessant dribbling and will be forced to support the Blessed One in her quilting projects
B) That the CC & R is really the Necronomicon in disguise! (As a librarian, the writer can spot these things, you know...) Whatever you do, don't read page 1013!!!!!!!
C) That Dana and Fox, uh 'Laura' and 'Rob', look SOOOOO cute curled up like that on the sofa! They should do that every episode! <hopeful grin>
17) The 'Petries' go eat dinner with their new neighbors the Shroeders. The Shroeders are smily happy people, eagerly scarfing down dolphin-safe tuna. ("Dolphin-safe all the way") It's a scene of domestic bliss, the kind that makes you afraid everyone's been replaced by Pod People. It's almost a relief when 'Rob' tells the Shroeders he met 'Laura' at a UFO convention. When he mockingly notes "She's quite the New Ager," you reply:
A) "Sure, just like her sister. You see that crystal necklace, the one 'Laura' is shoving up 'Rob's' nose? Gift from her sister. And that dolphin-safe trout she's hitting him with? That's from her religious followers! <kneel> <genuflect>"
B) "You realize that while you're talking with these so-called people that Gogolak and his cronies are building Mulder and Scully duplicates! <scream> <flee>"
C) "I hope the newlyweds are playing footsies like they're in love instead of shin-kneeing like they're bickering! <whimper>"
18) The conversation turns unpleasant as our heroes ask the Shroeders about Big Mike's disappearance. The missus, Cami, excuses herself from the table so she could walk the dog. 'Laura' offers to join her, but as she stands up to leave 'Rob' reaches over for a kiss from his Snoogums. As 'Laura' kisses the air next to his face rather than on his lips, you:
A) Know she does it because Scully doesn't want his dolphin-safe tuna breath on her face!
B) Wonder if "walk the dog" is a euphemism for "taking a dump"...but then why would Scully go along? Hmm...women, to my knowledge, always go to bathrooms in groups, never alone. Is there...something in the toilet water? Something...dangerous?
C) Weep for the end of all things. Dammit, Dana, his lips were three inches over! You gotta work on your aim! <sob> <wail>
19) After a disturbing incident with the Shroeders' dog in front of Big Mike's empty house, Mulder and Scully meet back at the homestead to discuss their clues and plans of action. They discuss this while preparing for bed: Mulder stripping down to a grey t-shirt and casually (or slovenly, take your pick) tossing it aside, Scully dressed in nightgown using the bathroom, complaining about Mulder's inability to squeeze a tube of toothpaste properly and giving him a third warning about the toilet seat. Mulder flops onto the bed, intent apparently in sharing it with Scully <gasp> <pant>. But when Scully comes out wearing a mud facial, you:
A) Always wondered why the Blessed One looks so good! But why haven't we seen this facial stuff before? Oh, she's intentionally scaring a certain Spooky someone!
B) Ponder, as a virgin who grew up mostly with brothers, what the big deal is about the toilet seat
C) Scream in terror and jump out the window. Dana, don't DO that!!!
20) Mulder tries to stay in bed with a "Come on, Laura, you know... we're married now." She answers "Scully" and tells him goodnight. He retorts "The thrill is gone," while you retort:
A) "Hey, Punk, there's a reason she's not sharing the bed with you. You snore!"
B) "You're better off without her, Mulder. You don't want that facial mud in your hair!"
C) "You're damn right the thrill is gone! <weep> <wail> Dana, you didn't have to send him off to the futon! Nooooo... <cries> <gnashing of teeth>"
21) Mulder tries to disrupt the serenity of the neighborhood by planting a pink flamingo (travesty!) in the yard and, when that disappears, by trashing his mailbox. He waits and watches for hours to see what might happen. When he goes for only a minute to "walk the dog" as it were, he comes back to find the mailbox cleaned and fixed and containing a warning to "Be like the others." You:
A) Notice he didn't put the toilet seat back down when he went to walk the dog! You BASTID!
B) Scream in horror that Soylent Green is people! Oh, wait, wrong paranoid movie. Here we go: don't go to sleep! They get you in your sleep! Augh!
C) Suddenly discover there are no children in this neighborhood! Oh no! Emily hybrids are against the CC & R! Nooooo!
22) Mulder does the one thing that'll drive anyone insane: he starts shooting some hoops. You know:
A) His incessant dribbling is going to wake up the neighbors...and the sewer monster...and the seismic monitor two blocks down...and Lord Kimbote down in Inner Earth...and...
B) Mulder's ability to dribble well and yet throw bricks comes from the genetic tinkering CancerMan and his Reticulan cronies did on him before the Big Game against Gonzaga
C) That the only one-on-one you're interested in watching doesn't involve dribbling...but lots and lots of illegal contact! <wicked grin>
23) After witnessing an assault on the Shroeders, Mulder discovers there's something under the ground. Scully found something too: the entire community was built atop a landfill. Mulder wants to do some digging, and he grabs a copy of the CC & R and uses it as an excuse to put a reflective pool in the front yard. As the neighbors whisper evilly amongst themselves, you ponder:
A) What Scully has to do to get a sundeck added in the backyard. She needs a sundeck! (Sister Autumn passes on a message about redheads being a tad sensitive to tanning.) Oh. Uh. BBQ grill. She needs a BBQ grill!
B) Where Mulder got a copy of the CC & R. Who did he deal with to get that book?... Oh, THAT'S who he dealt with... Oh, dear.
C) Why 'Rob' and 'Laura' didn't add a hot tub! PLEASE!...
24) Mulder digs up evidence that Gogolak was behind the tacky knick-knack that killed the previous house owners. He confronts the community elder with an educated guess that he and the others created a "Tulpa," a kind of guardian that makes sure the neighborhood remains safe and clean...as long as the rules are obeyed. Scully, meanwhile calls for an excavation team out to 450 Autumn Terrace (Hey! When do *I* get a street named after me?...) when all of a sudden Big Mike re-appears to protect her from the sewer monster. As the action picks up with blood, violence, and mud, you:
A) Want Big Mike to ship back to "ER" where he belongs and get that head wound checked, and let Scully defend herself, dammit! She never gets to beat the mud monsters! :-(
B) Know if it was your mother's house, she'd be extremely ticked off with all those carpet stains!
C) Get upset that there hasn't been one opportunity for 'Rob' and 'Laura' to hold hands!
25) Mulder leaves Gogolak chained to the mailbox while he rushes into the home to find Scully. Gogolak struggles, wrecking the mailbox and bringing forth the wrath of the Tulpa. The monster then moves steadily toward Mulder, his arms reaching out to crush this puny mortal...until Gogolak finally croaks, at which point Mud Boy collapses into a pile of, well, mud. The scene shifts to the next day, when Mulder and Scully pack up and head back to D.C. While Scully uses her gifted voice (ahhhhh) to recite yet another Big Speech about the conspiracy of silence in the dark world of Suburbia, you conclude:
A) That Scully's monologues need a few Biblical quotes thrown in...nah, that'd be too preachy...
B) That we'd all be better off staying in apartments and RVs and avoid these deed-restricted communities! Those places can kill ya!
C) That Dana and Fox are better off finding a better place to raise their hybrid kids. Hey, there's a nice new community out near Three Mile Island!...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you're an OBSSEr who's decided to emulate the Blessed One's beauty secrets: Play-Doh! <writer gets killed by ensuing mob>
B) Then you're an X-Philer who knew that planting a pink flamingo in your yard will mark you for death!
C) Then you're a 'Shipper who's convinced Dana and Fox are still married! You didn't see any divorce lawyers when they left, did you? No you didn't. SO THERE! YAY! <contented cheer>
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Mulder And Scully Meet The Were-Monster And Forgot to Get a Selfie
Sooooo, last night there was some silliness, a lot of pandering to the fan base bringing back cameos and reminders of past episodes and a shout out or twelve to those lost and gone from us, and it being a Darin Morgan episode there was surprising human depth to what could have been a campy "Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster" episode.
My immediate takeaway from Darin's work was that - AGAIN - Darin was trying to find some pathos in the meaning of the human experience - what drives us, what we seek and can never find - in a universe that keeps spinning on regardless of whether we buy or sell enough smartphones.
On the surface of this episode, I got the impression that Darin also reads the webcomic xkcd, because "Were-Monster" had a lot to say about the prevalence of smartphone cameras and the diminishing return on believable photographic evidence of Bigfoot and UFOs, like thus:
Because our story opens on a disgruntled and despairing Mulder, back in the basement working the X-Files cases like he's wanted to but frustrated more than ever that his work is meaningless. As Scully enters with a case - and yelling at him for throwing pencils into HER "I Want to Believe" poster (because Mulder shredded his back in "My Struggle") - Mulder rants back about the lack of genuine evidence over 25 years of work on the paranormal. He flips through fake photo after fake photo of men in rubber suits either trying to sell car tires or pretending to be armadillos. He's gotten to the point where he's tired of chasing after monsters because it turns out the monsters are either alligators ("Quagmire") or wolves or bears or tigers or plain old human serial killers in a rubber mask.
Scully smiles and tries to bring up they have a new case to investigate. "It has a monster in it," she adds.
This is Mulder finally hitting his mid-life crisis: where the passion of his career as an FBI agent investigating the bizarre and unusual - and not achieving any permanent results - have finally taken its toll. When they reach the backwoods of Oregon - again - Mulder is flippant about the grisly details - dead bodies everywhere of men with their throats chewed out - and dismissive of the eyewitness testimony - by the same two stoners that pop up in other X-Files episodes - that can't agree on whether the horned lizard monster spotted at the scene has three eyes or two. The Animal Control officer working the forest that night and had been accosted by that lizard monster refuses to comment.
That the same two stoners from "War of the Coprophages" and "Quagmire" return reflects Mulder's ennui. It's been 25 years for them as well, and all they've done has been to get high on anything (nowadays inhaling paint). Even the stoner guy's musing about turning into a werewolf is meaningless: even as a lycanthrope he'll likely waste his time getting high.
The first act is essentially Mulder confronting that ennui, teamed up with Scully who genuinely tries to snap him out of it by pointing out inconsistencies and the likelihood of a real monster on the loose. Even working the spooky shadows of a truck stop where a transgender prostitute Annabelle beats off that lizard monster - uh, with her purse, guys - doesn't make Mulder any giddier. He looks a little bit like Gary Shandling did playing Mulder in the "Hollywood AD" fake movie, all dour sarcasm as he questions if the prostitute was currently high on crack. "Yes!" she says, as if it was part of her natural persona.
When the truck stop becomes another crime scene with a fresh dead guy and sightings of the lizard monster, rather than break out a gun he'd drop again during the chase Mulder breaks out his smartphone and starts taking pictures. It's that reference to the xkcd chart: Mulder would prefer documenting the proof rather than arrest it. In a shameful display of cranky-old-geezer syndrome however, Mulder doesn't know how to operate the damn thing and ends up taking bad pictures of himself and the nearby Animal Control officer when the lizard monster charges at them with blood spraying out of his eyes.
The lizard monster, not Mulder. Mulder's too busy getting bad selfies of himself.
Scully's trying to avoid Mulder's attempt to show those bad photos as well as him digging up Wikipedia articles about normal lizards that can shoot blood out of their eyes as a defense mechanism. "Mulder the Internet is not good for you," Scully sighs, but she admits with a smile that she missed this kind of craziness during their previous MOTW assignments.
There's a lot more craziness - a creepy motel of stuffed animals and a mounted jackalope head, a psychiatrist treating not only a man who claims to be a lizard but also a werewolf (he sees the werewolf on Mondays... wait this episode was on a Monday...), and far too many people on drugs - before Scully tracks down the suspected were-lizard - the aptly named Guy Mann - selling smartphones in town. Mulder races over to find the store in shambles and the suspect in flight. Using the powers of deduction known as "contrived plot elements," Mulder follows Guy to a graveyard full of X-Files producers and asks for the Truth.
What Mulder - and the audience gets - from Guy is a beautifully crafted subversion of the standard Werewolf/Cursed Man story. It turns out that Guy is really a normal, happy-go-lucky lizard monster who tragically came across a human eating another human in the forest, and in an effort to do the right thing gets bitten by the crazed serial killer... which turns him into an average, almost pitiful human. Where werewolves are cursed with the instincts to hunt, main and kill, Guy found himself cursed with the instincts to wear clothes, find a low-wage job, and worry about a mortgage he never really had before.
In Darin Morgan's classic style, Guy's tale deconstructs what it means to be a human being. There's a horrifying element to the mundane chores and meaningless BS he uses to get that job and even get promoted to manager. Even though he's been at that job for one day he's already bored out of his mind and soul-crushed by it. The only joy he gets is when he discovers that at nightfall he switches back to being a lizard... and that joy ends when daybreak comes and turns him back into a human again.
Having never really been human before, he has no friends and is driven to find a pet puppy to fill that lonely ache - in a nice touch, the dog is happy to play with Guy when he switches back to his lizard self at night - only to have his pet disappear from the motel room when he comes home from work, worsening his mood. His isolation is so bad he's willing to lie like a normal human - badly - about his sex life by trying to tell Mulder that Scully seduced him in that phone store.
"Stop." Mulder insists at this point. "That. Did NOT. Happen."
With that bold a lie, Mulder seems unable to accept Guy's tale, and remains at Kim Manners' gravesite while Guy - realizing Mulder views him as the monster rather than the victim - runs away.
As with most X-Files, it's left to Scully to put the finishing touches in the case. Having chased down Guy's lost puppy to the Animal Control shelter, Scully immediately falls in love with Daggoo, and gets attacked by the Animal Control guy who was the human monster all along. Mulder, overhearing the fight over the phone, races to the shelter fearing the worst... only to find Scully had single-handed captured the serial killer. The Animal Control guy starts going into his violent past of torturing small animals, at which points Scully tells him to shut up and pushes him towards the local cops. "But I had a speech prepared," the Animal Control guy whimpers, underscoring the banality of even serial killers in the human condition.
Realizing Guy wasn't the monster after all, Mulder races off to find him, again using the powers of the plotline to find the poor lizard Werehuman stumbling back into the forest. It's his species time to go back into hibernation, a cycle lasting 10,000 years during which Guy hopes his human illness will fade (will he become a lizard who dreamed he was a man?). As Guy strips off the human clothes, he admits it was good to have met Mulder - someone who at least listened to his sad lot in life - and shakes hands with him.
Mulder starts to say "Likewise..."
...Only to see Guy's hand has gone scaly, and Mulder looks up to see a lizard monster with two eyes staring back, maybe smiling, before he turns and runs into the forest, hopefully free at last.
And Mulder smiles as well. After an episode of complaining there were no real creatures of mystery - that all the monsters were human - he finally saw with his own two eyes.
It's a pity he didn't have his smartphone with him to take a picture.
My immediate takeaway from Darin's work was that - AGAIN - Darin was trying to find some pathos in the meaning of the human experience - what drives us, what we seek and can never find - in a universe that keeps spinning on regardless of whether we buy or sell enough smartphones.
On the surface of this episode, I got the impression that Darin also reads the webcomic xkcd, because "Were-Monster" had a lot to say about the prevalence of smartphone cameras and the diminishing return on believable photographic evidence of Bigfoot and UFOs, like thus:
 |
| When I saw this cartoon, it broke my heart. My childhood reading up on UFOs and Bigfoot and ghosts, and all I got in the end was an LG480 with Verizon service. |
Because our story opens on a disgruntled and despairing Mulder, back in the basement working the X-Files cases like he's wanted to but frustrated more than ever that his work is meaningless. As Scully enters with a case - and yelling at him for throwing pencils into HER "I Want to Believe" poster (because Mulder shredded his back in "My Struggle") - Mulder rants back about the lack of genuine evidence over 25 years of work on the paranormal. He flips through fake photo after fake photo of men in rubber suits either trying to sell car tires or pretending to be armadillos. He's gotten to the point where he's tired of chasing after monsters because it turns out the monsters are either alligators ("Quagmire") or wolves or bears or tigers or plain old human serial killers in a rubber mask.
Scully smiles and tries to bring up they have a new case to investigate. "It has a monster in it," she adds.
This is Mulder finally hitting his mid-life crisis: where the passion of his career as an FBI agent investigating the bizarre and unusual - and not achieving any permanent results - have finally taken its toll. When they reach the backwoods of Oregon - again - Mulder is flippant about the grisly details - dead bodies everywhere of men with their throats chewed out - and dismissive of the eyewitness testimony - by the same two stoners that pop up in other X-Files episodes - that can't agree on whether the horned lizard monster spotted at the scene has three eyes or two. The Animal Control officer working the forest that night and had been accosted by that lizard monster refuses to comment.
That the same two stoners from "War of the Coprophages" and "Quagmire" return reflects Mulder's ennui. It's been 25 years for them as well, and all they've done has been to get high on anything (nowadays inhaling paint). Even the stoner guy's musing about turning into a werewolf is meaningless: even as a lycanthrope he'll likely waste his time getting high.
The first act is essentially Mulder confronting that ennui, teamed up with Scully who genuinely tries to snap him out of it by pointing out inconsistencies and the likelihood of a real monster on the loose. Even working the spooky shadows of a truck stop where a transgender prostitute Annabelle beats off that lizard monster - uh, with her purse, guys - doesn't make Mulder any giddier. He looks a little bit like Gary Shandling did playing Mulder in the "Hollywood AD" fake movie, all dour sarcasm as he questions if the prostitute was currently high on crack. "Yes!" she says, as if it was part of her natural persona.
When the truck stop becomes another crime scene with a fresh dead guy and sightings of the lizard monster, rather than break out a gun he'd drop again during the chase Mulder breaks out his smartphone and starts taking pictures. It's that reference to the xkcd chart: Mulder would prefer documenting the proof rather than arrest it. In a shameful display of cranky-old-geezer syndrome however, Mulder doesn't know how to operate the damn thing and ends up taking bad pictures of himself and the nearby Animal Control officer when the lizard monster charges at them with blood spraying out of his eyes.
The lizard monster, not Mulder. Mulder's too busy getting bad selfies of himself.
Scully's trying to avoid Mulder's attempt to show those bad photos as well as him digging up Wikipedia articles about normal lizards that can shoot blood out of their eyes as a defense mechanism. "Mulder the Internet is not good for you," Scully sighs, but she admits with a smile that she missed this kind of craziness during their previous MOTW assignments.
 |
| Preach it, Scully |
There's a lot more craziness - a creepy motel of stuffed animals and a mounted jackalope head, a psychiatrist treating not only a man who claims to be a lizard but also a werewolf (he sees the werewolf on Mondays... wait this episode was on a Monday...), and far too many people on drugs - before Scully tracks down the suspected were-lizard - the aptly named Guy Mann - selling smartphones in town. Mulder races over to find the store in shambles and the suspect in flight. Using the powers of deduction known as "contrived plot elements," Mulder follows Guy to a graveyard full of X-Files producers and asks for the Truth.
What Mulder - and the audience gets - from Guy is a beautifully crafted subversion of the standard Werewolf/Cursed Man story. It turns out that Guy is really a normal, happy-go-lucky lizard monster who tragically came across a human eating another human in the forest, and in an effort to do the right thing gets bitten by the crazed serial killer... which turns him into an average, almost pitiful human. Where werewolves are cursed with the instincts to hunt, main and kill, Guy found himself cursed with the instincts to wear clothes, find a low-wage job, and worry about a mortgage he never really had before.
In Darin Morgan's classic style, Guy's tale deconstructs what it means to be a human being. There's a horrifying element to the mundane chores and meaningless BS he uses to get that job and even get promoted to manager. Even though he's been at that job for one day he's already bored out of his mind and soul-crushed by it. The only joy he gets is when he discovers that at nightfall he switches back to being a lizard... and that joy ends when daybreak comes and turns him back into a human again.
Having never really been human before, he has no friends and is driven to find a pet puppy to fill that lonely ache - in a nice touch, the dog is happy to play with Guy when he switches back to his lizard self at night - only to have his pet disappear from the motel room when he comes home from work, worsening his mood. His isolation is so bad he's willing to lie like a normal human - badly - about his sex life by trying to tell Mulder that Scully seduced him in that phone store.
 |
| Ah... Uh... Um... I'll be in my bunk. Me and twenty million other guys (and gals) |
"Stop." Mulder insists at this point. "That. Did NOT. Happen."
With that bold a lie, Mulder seems unable to accept Guy's tale, and remains at Kim Manners' gravesite while Guy - realizing Mulder views him as the monster rather than the victim - runs away.
As with most X-Files, it's left to Scully to put the finishing touches in the case. Having chased down Guy's lost puppy to the Animal Control shelter, Scully immediately falls in love with Daggoo, and gets attacked by the Animal Control guy who was the human monster all along. Mulder, overhearing the fight over the phone, races to the shelter fearing the worst... only to find Scully had single-handed captured the serial killer. The Animal Control guy starts going into his violent past of torturing small animals, at which points Scully tells him to shut up and pushes him towards the local cops. "But I had a speech prepared," the Animal Control guy whimpers, underscoring the banality of even serial killers in the human condition.
Realizing Guy wasn't the monster after all, Mulder races off to find him, again using the powers of the plotline to find the poor lizard Werehuman stumbling back into the forest. It's his species time to go back into hibernation, a cycle lasting 10,000 years during which Guy hopes his human illness will fade (will he become a lizard who dreamed he was a man?). As Guy strips off the human clothes, he admits it was good to have met Mulder - someone who at least listened to his sad lot in life - and shakes hands with him.
Mulder starts to say "Likewise..."
...Only to see Guy's hand has gone scaly, and Mulder looks up to see a lizard monster with two eyes staring back, maybe smiling, before he turns and runs into the forest, hopefully free at last.
And Mulder smiles as well. After an episode of complaining there were no real creatures of mystery - that all the monsters were human - he finally saw with his own two eyes.
It's a pity he didn't have his smartphone with him to take a picture.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
X-Files: Founder's Mutation 'Shipper Survey
Damn the man. I had to work Monday night at the library, so I missed the first half of the episode. Thankfully, wiser heads like Mary Jamieson (hollah) informed me there's a streaming service on Fox's website for the first two episodes so I perused what I missed via that.
In the meantime, here's a Glen Morgan penned episode with good old Monster of the Week mayhem, but with the added dash of being tied into the Mytharc! Whoa!
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: Founder's Mutation
1) The episode opens on a bloodshot eye getting retinal scanned for security clearance. The eye belongs to a Dr. Sanjay, who's entering a Nugenics office complex and coping with the hassles of any normal workday: annoying co-workers, lack of coffee, that persistent high-pitched ringing that forces you to down an entire bottle of Bayer, etc. It leads to the other hassle: long boring boardroom meeting where others are bickering over the commands from their overlord "Founder" Augustus Goldman. Nobody else seems to notice Sanjay's headaches are getting worse or that there's a Murder of Crows gathering on the rolling hills of Vancouver outside their window. When Sanjay finally flips out in the meeting and flees the room, you:
A) Suggest he go find a respectable doctor like Scully to get that tinnitus taken care of!
B) Like the subtle touch of using the collective noun for crows. Murder indeed...
C) Wonder if that one guy typing away on his tablet during the meeting was distracting himself with some erotic Dana/Fox fanfiction!
2) Sanjay's gone and locked himself in a computer server room, fixated on downloading as much data as he can. As his worried co-workers pound at the window, and as the security guards start cracking the door lock to break in to stop him, the noise in Sanjay's head drives him over the edge. He grabs a marker, writes a mysterious note on his hand, and then grabs a letter opener. As he graphically shoves it into his ear... as far as he can... you:
A) Shout at the screen "Dammit that's NOT how you treat tinnitus!"
B) Wonder aloud "Who has a letter opener in a computer server room?! Wouldn't a Phillips head screwdriver be a more sensible weapon to have on hand?"
C) Flinch in horror at this poor man's death. There's nothing fun or 'Shippy about... about... hey, won't Dana and Fox show up at this guy's autopsy and flirt shamelessly over the corpse? Good move, Sanjay, thanks for taking one for the team!
3) Mulder and Scully do indeed show up at the crime scene. Mulder examines the body and the room, and asks "What do you think Scully?" Scully hovers over him and answers "Looks like suicide Mulder. Note the letter opener sticking out of the ear." You answer:
A) "No Sh-t, you Punk!"
B) "Check the pockets for money, I'll grab the expensive watch."
C) "Yay! They're flirting already!"
4) Mulder points out how Sanjay put himself in the most secure room in the building with isolated servers, with the terminal he was working from the only way to access the data. As Mulder grabs the external drive Sanjay was using, a beefy security guard shows up to confiscate the drive, claiming "national security". It turns out Nugenics has a Defense contract, hence the FBI investigating Sanjay's death. Mulder notes they need to determine what Sanjay was trying to download, so he asks to interview the company's owner Augustus Goldman. When the security guard refuses that request by noting he can't verify the whereabouts of "The Founder", you realize:
A) This isn't a genetics lab, it's a CULT! Listen to that, talking about a person as a mythic, otherworldly being of perfection! Trout slap him, St. Scully, and pass the Scullyrita, fellow OBSSE members! ...what?
B) Anyone insisting on being called "The Founder" is bound to have sociopathic tendencies like a massive ego and pretensions of godhood. So we've got a good idea who the real Monster of the Week is going to be.
C) We've gone five minutes without a handhold between Dana and Fox! Dammit, we need a fix soon...
5) While Scully distracts the guard over the security cameras and the need to view any documentation, Mulder quietly checks Sanjay's pockets for more clues, finds a cell phone, and swipes the dead man's thumb to unlock the biosecurity on it. He then walks out of the room before the security guard realizes he lifted that phone. You scream:
A) "You better not use Sanjay's phone to sext people, you Punk!"
B) "Dammit, Mulder, what about the wallet! You should have grabbed the wallet!"
C) "Good God. I just realized: before smartphones, we never really sexted people. Wow. If we had that technology back in 1993, this show could have been so much kinkier!"
6) As Mulder and Scully leave the building, they argue over the legality of Mulder's swiping Sanjay's phone. During that conversation, they nearly bump into a janitor for absolutely no real reason at all. You know this means:
A) That janitor knows something!
B) That janitor knows something!
C) That janitor gave Fox the excuse to brush against Dana's shoulder! Sigh...
7) Mulder follows a lead over "Gupta" to a bar in Washington DC called "The Corner Pocket". He meets Gupta in a booth, noticing there's a couple of possible Men in Black watching nearby, and asks about meeting somewhere "more private" and that he's "safe". You watch all this and exclaim:
A) "Man, Mulder REALLY doesn't know how to pick up guys in bars!"
B) "There's something bothering me about this place. Gasp, I know! This lesbian bar has no fire exit! Enjoy your death-trap, ladies!"
C) "Why do they keep bringing Slash into this show? Not that there's anything wrong with it!"
8) While Mulder sets back hetero-alternative cultural co-existence back another decade, Scully's actually at work finding evidence via autopsy. Especially that note Sanjay wrote in his palm: "Founder's Mutation." You know this clue means:
A) Sanjay wanted the investigators to focus on Augustus Goldman. Who cares if the Punk think that phrase pertains to something else!
B) Sanjay knew what the title of this episode was going to be from the script he read.
C) Sanjay knew it would give Dana and Fox a reason to flirt! Again, thanks for taking one for the team, bro!
9) Finding out from Gupta that Sanjay led two lives and was worried about "his children dying", Mulder and Scully go driving through the alleyways of Vancouver to find his real abode. Along the way, Scully nearly drives over a tired-looking janitor who's running around like a social misfit. You realize:
A) AT LONG LAST SCULLY GETS TO DRIVE!
B) This episode's not going to be all that subtle with the clues, is it?
C) That's a car built for family driving. So... we're missing William, aren't we?
10) They reach Sanjay's real apartment and begin searching for clues. Scully finds one with a wall covered with photos of children suffering from physical deformities. Flashing red and blue lights from outside reveal the agents accidentally tripped an alarm, so they hurry to find more evidence before they can be interrupted. Suddenly, Mulder is hit with the high-pitch noise and bends over in pain. As Scully deals with handling the cops, Mulder endures the pain and starts hearing voices, repeating two messages: "Help me" and "Find her." You realize:
A) This is what the Punk gets for failing to acquire a warrant and the keys to the place!
B) It's Luke! Trying to reach out to his daughter Rey using the Force! ...what, you haven't seen Star Wars Episode VII yet? ARE YOU MAD! GO SEE IT NOW! This will wait until you get back.
C) Dana could have just as easily comforted Fox with a hug and hold up her FBI badge at the same time! What a missed opportunity! (cries)
11) It's Assistant Director Walter Skinner's office! He's reviewing the case so far, and Mulder refers to documents found in Sanjay's apartment. But it turns out those documents were seized as "Property of the Department of Defense" by a very angry-looking bearded bureaucrat giving the agents the stink-eye. But once that DoD jerk leaves the office with the documents, Skinner exhales and asks "I assume you made copies before they seized those papers?" You:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) see D)
D) Shout "Goddamn YES, Skinner! You know how it goes down, boss!"
12) Skinner lets Mulder and Scully know that given the bureaucratic nature of everything Post-9/11, the paperwork on closing their report will take days, giving the agents at least 48 hours to honestly complete their investigation into the likely genetic experimentation on children by our own Defense Dept. Once that's out of the way, the two go back to the X-Files basement... where we find that the only nameplate on the door says "Fox Mulder". You:
A) Scream an unholy scream and curse Chris Carter to the Nine Circles of Hell. The OBSSE got a nameplate for St. Scully, you SONOFABITCH, IT'S HER OFFICE TOO! AIM THE TROUT FOR CARTER'S SMUG FACE IN FIVE... FOUR... THREE... TWO...
B) Seriously wonder why Scully doesn't have a goddamn nameplate.
C) Seriously wonder why they can't put Dana and Fox's name on the same nameplate. After all, we're hoping they do that for the wedding invites!
13) Mulder and Scully share evidence as they examine the security cameras. Scully also takes the time to ask Mulder about what happened to him. Mulder describes the pain and that he heard the words "Find her." He notices the janitor in one security camera (NOT SUBTLE) and also notices the Murder of Crows (SUBTLE), pointing out that the sound he heard could also be affecting animals. Scully gets worried, noting that Sanjay heard that sound, and it drove him to suicide. "This is dangerous," she warns. "When has that ever stopped us?" Mulder snarks back. You answer:
A) "Whenever it got to the point where people died, you Punk!"
B) "Whenever the episode ended and you never followed up on loose threads, that's when!"
C) "She cares, Fox! Dammit, kiss her!"
14) Scully knows a way to reach Goldman. It turns out he's a prominent financial donor to Scully's hospital the Lady of Our Sorrows, and Scully attempts to get one of the administrators to arrange a meeting. The administrator (if she looks familiar, she played Scully's counselor during Seasons Two and Three) isn't thrilled that Goldman is under FBI investigation, but is able to relay a message to him that the FBI wants to talk. Mulder also suggests that the administrator asks him about "Founder's Mutation". As the administrator flinches at that phrase, you recognize:
A) The phrase might not have anything to do with Goldman himself, but something about genetics itself... SO WHY DOESN'T SCULLY KNOW ABOUT IT?
B) It's the title of David Bowie's next album, right? (beat) Oh... right... (cries)
C) That Fox knows well enough to stay out of Dana's way when they're in her place of power.
15) During their wait, Mulder and Scully are approached by a nervous young woman, pregnant and terrified that there's something wrong with her baby. Agnes alternates between begging for help to get out of the ward and believing the agents won't believe or help her. When the administrator shows up in the hallway, Agnes runs but not before Mulder can slip a card to her. As the administrator returns with a phone number to reach Goldman, Agnes watches from a distance while Escape From the Planet of the Apes plays on a TV behind her. You note:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Another Planet of the Apes reference, about future ape babies? Oh, yeah. Just HITTING US OVER THE HEAD WITH THE SUBTLETY here, people.
16) Mulder makes the connection between Goldman's philanthropy towards that hospital as his access to that pregnancy ward, and jumps to the conclusion that Goldman might be experimenting on those women. Scully's none too thrilled about that theory, because it brings up the fact that 15 years ago, SHE had a baby with the implications that baby was genetically messed with as well. "Was that all I was, an incubator?" Scully asks. Mulder replies, "You were never... just anything... to me, Scully." You:
A) Silently toast the Blessed Skeptic with a Scullyrita
B) "I got something in my eye."
C) Bawl your wet 'Shipper eyes out
17) The scene segues to a school, where a younger-looking Scully is walking her son William up to his first day there. They joke about the rules of surviving school, and then the scene shifts again in a nice effect of the closing doors re-opening to an older William racing off to some afternoon thing. And then the scene shifts to a darker tone, and Scully is worrying over a wounded William dealing with a broken forearm. And then it shifts to an even darker scene, at home with a teenaged William crying for his Mom. As Scully enters his room and finds William freaking out over his mutating into an alien hybrid, you:
A) Understand this is Scully's ongoing nightmare of the life that may befall her only son...
B) Realize that somebody's gotta make a call to Charles Xavier's School for an opening... why not? X-Files, X-Men, it's a natural crossover to make!
c) KEEP CRYING YOUR DAMN EYES OUT. Poor Dana... Nooooooooo...
18) Commercial break ends, and we're finally meeting Dr. Augustus Goldman. He's being asked about "Founder's Mutation" and remains evasive about it. Goldman tries to explain his work as "saving children," and escorts the agents to a hallway lined with young children suffering from unsettling deformities. He offers to let Scully speak to them, and Scully does with a poor child called Adam suffering a cycloptic condition. The conversation doesn't reveal much, but Scully notes the rooms are locked and the children are isolated and she questions why since they suffer from genetic disorders and aren't contagious. Goldman answers that they are using experimental procedures and need to control the environmental factors. "Like using alien DNA?" Scully retorts. Goldman flinches and replies "Dr. Scully, I was told you were the rational one." You reply:
A) "She is the rational one. She's also the one armed with a fully loaded fresh trout useful in slapping total Punks!"
B) "We're talking about the hybrid merging of Mytharc stories to Monster of the Week stories. And now, here, we have proof with this episode's Monster of the Week, Augustus Goldman!"
C) We're with the ones who answered A), Doc. NOBODY TALKS TO DANA LIKE THAT! (Insert Trout Slap Here)
NOTE: Meanwhile, a healthy-looking teenage girl named Molly is having a freak-out down the hallway for no sane reason other than to show off telekinetic abilities and set up a plot point. Not subtle, guys.
19) Something happened to Agnes. The agents are called to a crime scene where her body was found with Mulder's card on her. She died in a suspicious hit-and-run by the looks of things. And her baby's gone. Your response is:
A) "Damn them. It never gets any easier when people die on this show. For once, can't everyone live, just once?"
B) "Somebody at that pregnancy ward has to answer for this..."
C) "Given the theme of this episode, we really shouldn't have a snarky response to this."
20) Scully does the autopsy and confirms Agnes was killed by a car, and that her baby was surgically removed. She accepts the likelihood that the fetus was tied into Goldman's work but there's no proof now. Mulder brings up the "Founder's Mutation" phrase and reveals what it means: the idea that a "perfect" mutation - the Founder - would create the genetic keystone to the next stage in evolution. He notes how the Syndicate (Mytharc!) started such projects back in the 1970s but they never worked... but it doesn't mean they stopped trying. Mulder also pulls up more information about Goldman: 17 years prior his wife was placed in custody and charged with going insane and killing her own child while in the womb... and that baby's body was never found as well. With all this exposition going on, you know:
A) That we're certain this is going to lead up to Scully calling Charles Xavier's school and see if there's a William enrolled after all!
B) That we're certain this is going to tie into the final episode of the Battlestar Galactica reboot!
C) That we're certain this is going to end up with the writer survey cramming all the questions into a round number of 25! ...What, we've seen it before!
21) They find an unresponsive Mrs. Goldman sitting at a lunch table at the Conveniently Placed Criminally Insane Ward on the outskirts of Vancouver. Questions go unanswered until a cat comes in and she chucks an apple at it. Hey! MY CATS DO NOT APPROVE OF THAT, LADY! Ahem. No longer able to stay quiet, Mrs. Goldman starts explaining what happened: she discovered her 2-year-old daughter Molly had fallen into the pool... and had been under there for 10 minutes... and she was breathing just fine. You realize:
A) If Dr. Goldman had put a child protection fence around that swimming pool like he was supposed to, none of this would have slipped out...!
B) That was no ordinary cat! That was Oscar the Death Cat! AND HE'S COME FOR YOUR SOUL!
C) That we're not really in a 'Shipper-friendly setting at the moment, so we'll have to wait for the next question.
22) Realizing her husband had experimented on Molly... experimented on her unborn son... she freaks, slashes his arm, and flees the house as he ominously drips blood from the wound. Unfortunately, her freak-out doesn't lead to better driving, and she's crawling from the wreckage she started getting Scanned by her unborn son. Prompted by the pain, she performs her own radical version of a C-Section, exposing the womb and... and... OH MY GOD IS THAT A MOVING HAND?
A) AAAAAAAAAA
B) EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW
C) NEXT QUESTION! NEXT QUESTION!
23) Mulder realizes that the baby survived, and that he'd have grown up by now as a 16-year-old. He also notices the janitor at the Criminally Insane ward is the same janitorial contract service at Nugenics. Going back to the security cameras, he points out the young male janitor from Scene 7 is on the floor above Sanjay, and reacts in pain to Sanjay's death. They get his name from the vendor as Kyle Gilligan (SHOUTOUT) and drive off to his address. They're confronted by his defensive mother, who warns that they're to leave her boy alone, even though Mulder figures out she was there the night of the crash and saved that baby. When the crows suddenly appear on a nearby hill and the mother freaks out seeing them, you know:
A) SH-T'S ABOUT TO GET REAL.
B) Why they're called a Murder.
C) This is another chance for Dana to comfort Fox during another Psychic Sonic attack. (she runs off to put a gun to Kyle's head to make him stop instead) Oh, or she can do that... Yay.
24) They interrogate Kyle on the drive back to DC through the tall mountains ofBritish Columbia uh Maryland. Kyle admits he would never try to hurt anyone with what he can do, and Mulder realizes he can't control it. "I just want to find my sister," he says. Scully says "Molly" and he asks if she knows where Molly is. Scully answers that she knows who does. Next scene, Kyle is being examined by Augustus Goldman, who is treating the teen boy as though he was another patient, another experiment. There is something unsettling about the emotional disconnect that Goldman is showing towards his own son, and it makes you:
A) Shudder in disgust.
B) Note who the real monster of the week is after all.
C) Wistful that Dana always pictures herself being a better mother to her own son William, and hope that Fox does too!
25) As per arrangement, Goldman escorts Kyle to a room where that teenage girl we saw earlier called Molly is sitting alone. There's an awkward familial moment between brother and s... "No," Kyle says, frowning. He can tell that's not his sister. (Ooo, nice twist) Enraged, he slams his father out of the way and races down the hallway, turning a corner to find another girl, this time locked behind a glass doorway. The way they stare at each other, they can tell as they both raise a hand at the glass separating them. I never knew I had a brother, Molly projects telepathically, and you realize:
A) Of course the girl is going to have better control of her mutant powers!
B) Isn't this a plot point from the Lensman series?
C) Isn't this a plot point from the Star Wars movies? Dammit Leia you kissed your brother! Eewwww...
26) Realizingthat this survey isn't going to fit inside 25 questions that they don't have much time, they place both palms on the glass and focus. The sound intensifies and as Mulder and Scully round the corner, every glass window in the hallway shatters. As the siblings link hands for the first time in their lives, their father runs in, trying to stop them. "Just let me go, daddy!" Molly screams, but Kyle has another response as he boosts his Psychic Sonic attack on dear old dad. With Scully standing there, gun drawn, you think:
A) At least with Scully we know she won't drop the gun like the Punk does!
B) This is not going to end well either way. Someone needs to pull a fire alarm and cause a distraction first!
C) Kyle and Molly holding hands? That's NOT the 'Ship we were promised guys!
27) Molly uses her mutant powers to knock Scully's gun out of her hand and tosses her against the wall.
A) ...dammit...
B) Oh crap, Scully, this IS how Carrie got even at the prom...!
C) YAY! Fox went to check on Dana to see if she was okay!
28) Molly sends Mulder sprawling down the hallway atop a floor covered with broken glass. That can't be hygienic. Before Mulder passes out, he sees Augustus Goldman receiving the karmic punishment he deserves. Your response is:
A) "As long as the kids don't mess with Scully any further, we got no quarrel with ya. Move along... move along..."
B) "He tampered in God's domain."
C) "We don't like all this gore and blood in a potentially 'Shippy episode. When are we gonna get the episodes that involves investigating beaches on long summer evenings with a bottle of the finest wines of Vancouver?"
29) The Department of Defense has taken over the lab and the bearded guy orders Skinner back behind the red tape (SUBTLE). Skinner notes that the investigation is officially over, even as Scully asks if there's any trace of Kyle or Molly. "There's never any trace," Scully sighs. Except Mulder slips out of his pocket the vial of blood Goldman took from Kyle. "There's a trace," Mulder whispers as they walk away, and you reply:
A) "Let Scully take it! She's the one who can test it!"
B) "Save it for the season finale!"
C) "Now we can get the scene of them going to the nearest motel and... and... uh, why are we getting an edit cut to 2001?"
30) It's Mulder watching 2001 (why not Planet of the Apes? We had that reference earlier) with his young son William. We watch Mulder imagine what it would have been like being a father to his son, growing up playing with model rockets and William saying "I'm going up there some day"... only for that vision to shift to Mulder watching in horror as aliens show up to abduct a teenage William from his bedroom much like what he saw with his own sister Samantha. As the episode ends with Mulder pining over a picture of baby William, you realize:
A) That dammit, for all the punk things the Punk does to the Blessed One, sometimes we got to sympathize with his plight as a grieving father as well...
B) That for a Monster of the Week/Mytharc mashup, this went surprisingly well.
C) That dammit, Dana and Fox shouldn't separate themselves over the loss of their son like this. Why are they in separate grief over this? IT'S NOT RIGHT IT'S NOT... oh, no, sniff, this isn't fair (openly cries)
If you more often than not answered:
A) You're a member of the OBSSE who thinks that someday William will return with a backlog of Mother's Day cards.
B) You're an X-Phile who likes the Mytharc stories to have this kind of clarity and emotional punch.
C) You're a 'Shipper who knows that if they can just find William then Dana and Fox can repair this 'Ship and SAVE OUR HEARTS. Sigh.
Next up: A Darin Morgan episode. I will post shortly about why this is a big f-cking deal.
In the meantime, here's a Glen Morgan penned episode with good old Monster of the Week mayhem, but with the added dash of being tied into the Mytharc! Whoa!
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: Founder's Mutation
1) The episode opens on a bloodshot eye getting retinal scanned for security clearance. The eye belongs to a Dr. Sanjay, who's entering a Nugenics office complex and coping with the hassles of any normal workday: annoying co-workers, lack of coffee, that persistent high-pitched ringing that forces you to down an entire bottle of Bayer, etc. It leads to the other hassle: long boring boardroom meeting where others are bickering over the commands from their overlord "Founder" Augustus Goldman. Nobody else seems to notice Sanjay's headaches are getting worse or that there's a Murder of Crows gathering on the rolling hills of Vancouver outside their window. When Sanjay finally flips out in the meeting and flees the room, you:
A) Suggest he go find a respectable doctor like Scully to get that tinnitus taken care of!
B) Like the subtle touch of using the collective noun for crows. Murder indeed...
C) Wonder if that one guy typing away on his tablet during the meeting was distracting himself with some erotic Dana/Fox fanfiction!
2) Sanjay's gone and locked himself in a computer server room, fixated on downloading as much data as he can. As his worried co-workers pound at the window, and as the security guards start cracking the door lock to break in to stop him, the noise in Sanjay's head drives him over the edge. He grabs a marker, writes a mysterious note on his hand, and then grabs a letter opener. As he graphically shoves it into his ear... as far as he can... you:
A) Shout at the screen "Dammit that's NOT how you treat tinnitus!"
B) Wonder aloud "Who has a letter opener in a computer server room?! Wouldn't a Phillips head screwdriver be a more sensible weapon to have on hand?"
C) Flinch in horror at this poor man's death. There's nothing fun or 'Shippy about... about... hey, won't Dana and Fox show up at this guy's autopsy and flirt shamelessly over the corpse? Good move, Sanjay, thanks for taking one for the team!
3) Mulder and Scully do indeed show up at the crime scene. Mulder examines the body and the room, and asks "What do you think Scully?" Scully hovers over him and answers "Looks like suicide Mulder. Note the letter opener sticking out of the ear." You answer:
A) "No Sh-t, you Punk!"
B) "Check the pockets for money, I'll grab the expensive watch."
C) "Yay! They're flirting already!"
4) Mulder points out how Sanjay put himself in the most secure room in the building with isolated servers, with the terminal he was working from the only way to access the data. As Mulder grabs the external drive Sanjay was using, a beefy security guard shows up to confiscate the drive, claiming "national security". It turns out Nugenics has a Defense contract, hence the FBI investigating Sanjay's death. Mulder notes they need to determine what Sanjay was trying to download, so he asks to interview the company's owner Augustus Goldman. When the security guard refuses that request by noting he can't verify the whereabouts of "The Founder", you realize:
A) This isn't a genetics lab, it's a CULT! Listen to that, talking about a person as a mythic, otherworldly being of perfection! Trout slap him, St. Scully, and pass the Scullyrita, fellow OBSSE members! ...what?
B) Anyone insisting on being called "The Founder" is bound to have sociopathic tendencies like a massive ego and pretensions of godhood. So we've got a good idea who the real Monster of the Week is going to be.
C) We've gone five minutes without a handhold between Dana and Fox! Dammit, we need a fix soon...
5) While Scully distracts the guard over the security cameras and the need to view any documentation, Mulder quietly checks Sanjay's pockets for more clues, finds a cell phone, and swipes the dead man's thumb to unlock the biosecurity on it. He then walks out of the room before the security guard realizes he lifted that phone. You scream:
A) "You better not use Sanjay's phone to sext people, you Punk!"
B) "Dammit, Mulder, what about the wallet! You should have grabbed the wallet!"
C) "Good God. I just realized: before smartphones, we never really sexted people. Wow. If we had that technology back in 1993, this show could have been so much kinkier!"
6) As Mulder and Scully leave the building, they argue over the legality of Mulder's swiping Sanjay's phone. During that conversation, they nearly bump into a janitor for absolutely no real reason at all. You know this means:
A) That janitor knows something!
B) That janitor knows something!
C) That janitor gave Fox the excuse to brush against Dana's shoulder! Sigh...
7) Mulder follows a lead over "Gupta" to a bar in Washington DC called "The Corner Pocket". He meets Gupta in a booth, noticing there's a couple of possible Men in Black watching nearby, and asks about meeting somewhere "more private" and that he's "safe". You watch all this and exclaim:
A) "Man, Mulder REALLY doesn't know how to pick up guys in bars!"
B) "There's something bothering me about this place. Gasp, I know! This lesbian bar has no fire exit! Enjoy your death-trap, ladies!"
C) "Why do they keep bringing Slash into this show? Not that there's anything wrong with it!"
8) While Mulder sets back hetero-alternative cultural co-existence back another decade, Scully's actually at work finding evidence via autopsy. Especially that note Sanjay wrote in his palm: "Founder's Mutation." You know this clue means:
A) Sanjay wanted the investigators to focus on Augustus Goldman. Who cares if the Punk think that phrase pertains to something else!
B) Sanjay knew what the title of this episode was going to be from the script he read.
C) Sanjay knew it would give Dana and Fox a reason to flirt! Again, thanks for taking one for the team, bro!
9) Finding out from Gupta that Sanjay led two lives and was worried about "his children dying", Mulder and Scully go driving through the alleyways of Vancouver to find his real abode. Along the way, Scully nearly drives over a tired-looking janitor who's running around like a social misfit. You realize:
A) AT LONG LAST SCULLY GETS TO DRIVE!
B) This episode's not going to be all that subtle with the clues, is it?
C) That's a car built for family driving. So... we're missing William, aren't we?
10) They reach Sanjay's real apartment and begin searching for clues. Scully finds one with a wall covered with photos of children suffering from physical deformities. Flashing red and blue lights from outside reveal the agents accidentally tripped an alarm, so they hurry to find more evidence before they can be interrupted. Suddenly, Mulder is hit with the high-pitch noise and bends over in pain. As Scully deals with handling the cops, Mulder endures the pain and starts hearing voices, repeating two messages: "Help me" and "Find her." You realize:
A) This is what the Punk gets for failing to acquire a warrant and the keys to the place!
B) It's Luke! Trying to reach out to his daughter Rey using the Force! ...what, you haven't seen Star Wars Episode VII yet? ARE YOU MAD! GO SEE IT NOW! This will wait until you get back.
C) Dana could have just as easily comforted Fox with a hug and hold up her FBI badge at the same time! What a missed opportunity! (cries)
11) It's Assistant Director Walter Skinner's office! He's reviewing the case so far, and Mulder refers to documents found in Sanjay's apartment. But it turns out those documents were seized as "Property of the Department of Defense" by a very angry-looking bearded bureaucrat giving the agents the stink-eye. But once that DoD jerk leaves the office with the documents, Skinner exhales and asks "I assume you made copies before they seized those papers?" You:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) see D)
D) Shout "Goddamn YES, Skinner! You know how it goes down, boss!"
12) Skinner lets Mulder and Scully know that given the bureaucratic nature of everything Post-9/11, the paperwork on closing their report will take days, giving the agents at least 48 hours to honestly complete their investigation into the likely genetic experimentation on children by our own Defense Dept. Once that's out of the way, the two go back to the X-Files basement... where we find that the only nameplate on the door says "Fox Mulder". You:
A) Scream an unholy scream and curse Chris Carter to the Nine Circles of Hell. The OBSSE got a nameplate for St. Scully, you SONOFABITCH, IT'S HER OFFICE TOO! AIM THE TROUT FOR CARTER'S SMUG FACE IN FIVE... FOUR... THREE... TWO...
B) Seriously wonder why Scully doesn't have a goddamn nameplate.
C) Seriously wonder why they can't put Dana and Fox's name on the same nameplate. After all, we're hoping they do that for the wedding invites!
13) Mulder and Scully share evidence as they examine the security cameras. Scully also takes the time to ask Mulder about what happened to him. Mulder describes the pain and that he heard the words "Find her." He notices the janitor in one security camera (NOT SUBTLE) and also notices the Murder of Crows (SUBTLE), pointing out that the sound he heard could also be affecting animals. Scully gets worried, noting that Sanjay heard that sound, and it drove him to suicide. "This is dangerous," she warns. "When has that ever stopped us?" Mulder snarks back. You answer:
A) "Whenever it got to the point where people died, you Punk!"
B) "Whenever the episode ended and you never followed up on loose threads, that's when!"
C) "She cares, Fox! Dammit, kiss her!"
14) Scully knows a way to reach Goldman. It turns out he's a prominent financial donor to Scully's hospital the Lady of Our Sorrows, and Scully attempts to get one of the administrators to arrange a meeting. The administrator (if she looks familiar, she played Scully's counselor during Seasons Two and Three) isn't thrilled that Goldman is under FBI investigation, but is able to relay a message to him that the FBI wants to talk. Mulder also suggests that the administrator asks him about "Founder's Mutation". As the administrator flinches at that phrase, you recognize:
A) The phrase might not have anything to do with Goldman himself, but something about genetics itself... SO WHY DOESN'T SCULLY KNOW ABOUT IT?
B) It's the title of David Bowie's next album, right? (beat) Oh... right... (cries)
C) That Fox knows well enough to stay out of Dana's way when they're in her place of power.
15) During their wait, Mulder and Scully are approached by a nervous young woman, pregnant and terrified that there's something wrong with her baby. Agnes alternates between begging for help to get out of the ward and believing the agents won't believe or help her. When the administrator shows up in the hallway, Agnes runs but not before Mulder can slip a card to her. As the administrator returns with a phone number to reach Goldman, Agnes watches from a distance while Escape From the Planet of the Apes plays on a TV behind her. You note:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Another Planet of the Apes reference, about future ape babies? Oh, yeah. Just HITTING US OVER THE HEAD WITH THE SUBTLETY here, people.
16) Mulder makes the connection between Goldman's philanthropy towards that hospital as his access to that pregnancy ward, and jumps to the conclusion that Goldman might be experimenting on those women. Scully's none too thrilled about that theory, because it brings up the fact that 15 years ago, SHE had a baby with the implications that baby was genetically messed with as well. "Was that all I was, an incubator?" Scully asks. Mulder replies, "You were never... just anything... to me, Scully." You:
A) Silently toast the Blessed Skeptic with a Scullyrita
B) "I got something in my eye."
C) Bawl your wet 'Shipper eyes out
17) The scene segues to a school, where a younger-looking Scully is walking her son William up to his first day there. They joke about the rules of surviving school, and then the scene shifts again in a nice effect of the closing doors re-opening to an older William racing off to some afternoon thing. And then the scene shifts to a darker tone, and Scully is worrying over a wounded William dealing with a broken forearm. And then it shifts to an even darker scene, at home with a teenaged William crying for his Mom. As Scully enters his room and finds William freaking out over his mutating into an alien hybrid, you:
A) Understand this is Scully's ongoing nightmare of the life that may befall her only son...
B) Realize that somebody's gotta make a call to Charles Xavier's School for an opening... why not? X-Files, X-Men, it's a natural crossover to make!
c) KEEP CRYING YOUR DAMN EYES OUT. Poor Dana... Nooooooooo...
18) Commercial break ends, and we're finally meeting Dr. Augustus Goldman. He's being asked about "Founder's Mutation" and remains evasive about it. Goldman tries to explain his work as "saving children," and escorts the agents to a hallway lined with young children suffering from unsettling deformities. He offers to let Scully speak to them, and Scully does with a poor child called Adam suffering a cycloptic condition. The conversation doesn't reveal much, but Scully notes the rooms are locked and the children are isolated and she questions why since they suffer from genetic disorders and aren't contagious. Goldman answers that they are using experimental procedures and need to control the environmental factors. "Like using alien DNA?" Scully retorts. Goldman flinches and replies "Dr. Scully, I was told you were the rational one." You reply:
A) "She is the rational one. She's also the one armed with a fully loaded fresh trout useful in slapping total Punks!"
B) "We're talking about the hybrid merging of Mytharc stories to Monster of the Week stories. And now, here, we have proof with this episode's Monster of the Week, Augustus Goldman!"
C) We're with the ones who answered A), Doc. NOBODY TALKS TO DANA LIKE THAT! (Insert Trout Slap Here)
NOTE: Meanwhile, a healthy-looking teenage girl named Molly is having a freak-out down the hallway for no sane reason other than to show off telekinetic abilities and set up a plot point. Not subtle, guys.
19) Something happened to Agnes. The agents are called to a crime scene where her body was found with Mulder's card on her. She died in a suspicious hit-and-run by the looks of things. And her baby's gone. Your response is:
A) "Damn them. It never gets any easier when people die on this show. For once, can't everyone live, just once?"
B) "Somebody at that pregnancy ward has to answer for this..."
C) "Given the theme of this episode, we really shouldn't have a snarky response to this."
20) Scully does the autopsy and confirms Agnes was killed by a car, and that her baby was surgically removed. She accepts the likelihood that the fetus was tied into Goldman's work but there's no proof now. Mulder brings up the "Founder's Mutation" phrase and reveals what it means: the idea that a "perfect" mutation - the Founder - would create the genetic keystone to the next stage in evolution. He notes how the Syndicate (Mytharc!) started such projects back in the 1970s but they never worked... but it doesn't mean they stopped trying. Mulder also pulls up more information about Goldman: 17 years prior his wife was placed in custody and charged with going insane and killing her own child while in the womb... and that baby's body was never found as well. With all this exposition going on, you know:
A) That we're certain this is going to lead up to Scully calling Charles Xavier's school and see if there's a William enrolled after all!
B) That we're certain this is going to tie into the final episode of the Battlestar Galactica reboot!
C) That we're certain this is going to end up with the writer survey cramming all the questions into a round number of 25! ...What, we've seen it before!
21) They find an unresponsive Mrs. Goldman sitting at a lunch table at the Conveniently Placed Criminally Insane Ward on the outskirts of Vancouver. Questions go unanswered until a cat comes in and she chucks an apple at it. Hey! MY CATS DO NOT APPROVE OF THAT, LADY! Ahem. No longer able to stay quiet, Mrs. Goldman starts explaining what happened: she discovered her 2-year-old daughter Molly had fallen into the pool... and had been under there for 10 minutes... and she was breathing just fine. You realize:
A) If Dr. Goldman had put a child protection fence around that swimming pool like he was supposed to, none of this would have slipped out...!
B) That was no ordinary cat! That was Oscar the Death Cat! AND HE'S COME FOR YOUR SOUL!
C) That we're not really in a 'Shipper-friendly setting at the moment, so we'll have to wait for the next question.
22) Realizing her husband had experimented on Molly... experimented on her unborn son... she freaks, slashes his arm, and flees the house as he ominously drips blood from the wound. Unfortunately, her freak-out doesn't lead to better driving, and she's crawling from the wreckage she started getting Scanned by her unborn son. Prompted by the pain, she performs her own radical version of a C-Section, exposing the womb and... and... OH MY GOD IS THAT A MOVING HAND?
A) AAAAAAAAAA
B) EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW
C) NEXT QUESTION! NEXT QUESTION!
23) Mulder realizes that the baby survived, and that he'd have grown up by now as a 16-year-old. He also notices the janitor at the Criminally Insane ward is the same janitorial contract service at Nugenics. Going back to the security cameras, he points out the young male janitor from Scene 7 is on the floor above Sanjay, and reacts in pain to Sanjay's death. They get his name from the vendor as Kyle Gilligan (SHOUTOUT) and drive off to his address. They're confronted by his defensive mother, who warns that they're to leave her boy alone, even though Mulder figures out she was there the night of the crash and saved that baby. When the crows suddenly appear on a nearby hill and the mother freaks out seeing them, you know:
A) SH-T'S ABOUT TO GET REAL.
B) Why they're called a Murder.
C) This is another chance for Dana to comfort Fox during another Psychic Sonic attack. (she runs off to put a gun to Kyle's head to make him stop instead) Oh, or she can do that... Yay.
24) They interrogate Kyle on the drive back to DC through the tall mountains of
A) Shudder in disgust.
B) Note who the real monster of the week is after all.
C) Wistful that Dana always pictures herself being a better mother to her own son William, and hope that Fox does too!
25) As per arrangement, Goldman escorts Kyle to a room where that teenage girl we saw earlier called Molly is sitting alone. There's an awkward familial moment between brother and s... "No," Kyle says, frowning. He can tell that's not his sister. (Ooo, nice twist) Enraged, he slams his father out of the way and races down the hallway, turning a corner to find another girl, this time locked behind a glass doorway. The way they stare at each other, they can tell as they both raise a hand at the glass separating them. I never knew I had a brother, Molly projects telepathically, and you realize:
A) Of course the girl is going to have better control of her mutant powers!
B) Isn't this a plot point from the Lensman series?
C) Isn't this a plot point from the Star Wars movies? Dammit Leia you kissed your brother! Eewwww...
26) Realizing
A) At least with Scully we know she won't drop the gun like the Punk does!
B) This is not going to end well either way. Someone needs to pull a fire alarm and cause a distraction first!
C) Kyle and Molly holding hands? That's NOT the 'Ship we were promised guys!
27) Molly uses her mutant powers to knock Scully's gun out of her hand and tosses her against the wall.
A) ...dammit...
B) Oh crap, Scully, this IS how Carrie got even at the prom...!
C) YAY! Fox went to check on Dana to see if she was okay!
28) Molly sends Mulder sprawling down the hallway atop a floor covered with broken glass. That can't be hygienic. Before Mulder passes out, he sees Augustus Goldman receiving the karmic punishment he deserves. Your response is:
A) "As long as the kids don't mess with Scully any further, we got no quarrel with ya. Move along... move along..."
B) "He tampered in God's domain."
C) "We don't like all this gore and blood in a potentially 'Shippy episode. When are we gonna get the episodes that involves investigating beaches on long summer evenings with a bottle of the finest wines of Vancouver?"
29) The Department of Defense has taken over the lab and the bearded guy orders Skinner back behind the red tape (SUBTLE). Skinner notes that the investigation is officially over, even as Scully asks if there's any trace of Kyle or Molly. "There's never any trace," Scully sighs. Except Mulder slips out of his pocket the vial of blood Goldman took from Kyle. "There's a trace," Mulder whispers as they walk away, and you reply:
A) "Let Scully take it! She's the one who can test it!"
B) "Save it for the season finale!"
C) "Now we can get the scene of them going to the nearest motel and... and... uh, why are we getting an edit cut to 2001?"
30) It's Mulder watching 2001 (why not Planet of the Apes? We had that reference earlier) with his young son William. We watch Mulder imagine what it would have been like being a father to his son, growing up playing with model rockets and William saying "I'm going up there some day"... only for that vision to shift to Mulder watching in horror as aliens show up to abduct a teenage William from his bedroom much like what he saw with his own sister Samantha. As the episode ends with Mulder pining over a picture of baby William, you realize:
A) That dammit, for all the punk things the Punk does to the Blessed One, sometimes we got to sympathize with his plight as a grieving father as well...
B) That for a Monster of the Week/Mytharc mashup, this went surprisingly well.
C) That dammit, Dana and Fox shouldn't separate themselves over the loss of their son like this. Why are they in separate grief over this? IT'S NOT RIGHT IT'S NOT... oh, no, sniff, this isn't fair (openly cries)
If you more often than not answered:
A) You're a member of the OBSSE who thinks that someday William will return with a backlog of Mother's Day cards.
B) You're an X-Phile who likes the Mytharc stories to have this kind of clarity and emotional punch.
C) You're a 'Shipper who knows that if they can just find William then Dana and Fox can repair this 'Ship and SAVE OUR HEARTS. Sigh.
Next up: A Darin Morgan episode. I will post shortly about why this is a big f-cking deal.
Monday, January 25, 2016
Monday Morning X-Files Fanaticism
Just to note, while the series revival aired last night for its Season Ten, the show is actually airing on Monday nights (mostly) as part of the mid-season fill.
That means we're getting a new episode TONIGHT titled "Founder's Mutation", giving me little time to write up a 'Shipper Survey for "My Struggle" from last night.
In the meantime, the early ratings numbers are in and the numbers are YUUUUGE. Even in the face of mixed criticisms of the uneven season opener, a lot of people tuned in especially in the 18-49 demographic. A healthy mix one hopes of the Gen-X audience that came of age to the 1990s hit show and some of the Millennial generation that grew up in its wake.
If the numbers stay this way and the show ends on a high note (the series closer has to do a better job with the mytharc stuff than the opener), the odds are great for a Season Eleven to get put on order.
If that happens, I'm just saying Chris Carter you can put in a call to me and Sheryl Nantus and a couple of others and we can write some new episodes...
That means we're getting a new episode TONIGHT titled "Founder's Mutation", giving me little time to write up a 'Shipper Survey for "My Struggle" from last night.
In the meantime, the early ratings numbers are in and the numbers are YUUUUGE. Even in the face of mixed criticisms of the uneven season opener, a lot of people tuned in especially in the 18-49 demographic. A healthy mix one hopes of the Gen-X audience that came of age to the 1990s hit show and some of the Millennial generation that grew up in its wake.
If the numbers stay this way and the show ends on a high note (the series closer has to do a better job with the mytharc stuff than the opener), the odds are great for a Season Eleven to get put on order.
If that happens, I'm just saying Chris Carter you can put in a call to me and Sheryl Nantus and a couple of others and we can write some new episodes...
Thursday, December 31, 2015
X-Files: Millennium 'Shipper Survey
Because it's New Year's Eve, you get this.
Happy 2016, X-Philers! WOO-HOO!
MILLENNIUM
Hey, wasn't there a t.v. show by that name?...
1) The episode begins in a funeral parlor. A grieving widow is meeting with her dead husband's co-workers, finishing up with a rather bland-looking middle-aged fellow who actually gets more than one line in the script. That clues you in that this guy's going to hang around, open the casket once everyone is gone, and do something really disgustingly gross. And he does: he strips the dead guy down to his underwear and starts exchanging outfits. Your reaction is to:
A) Note the medical hazards of taking clothes off dead people, especially ones that seem to have rapidly decayed. Isn't there some kind of necro-bacteriological infection you get from doing this?...
B) Wonder what the bleep Donnie Pfaster has been up to in the past five years...
C) Worry if this guy does disgusting things at weddings too. <shudder> Keep this one off the invite list, okay? Not even if he's the one bringing the pressure cooker as a gift!...
2) Scully arrives at the cemetery, where the funeral director approaches her and asks that they stop spreading rumors of people being buried alive. She quickly appraises the situation and when she finds Mulder (where else) pecking down in the grave she openly wonders who it was spreading such stories around in the first place. You want Mulder's answer to be:
A) "Gee, Scully, all I did was come up to this blonde chick and tell her 'They're coming to get you, Barbara...'"
B) "Scully, you know perfectly well the only rumors I spread around involve Demi Moore and kitchen utensils..."
C) "Dana, I'm sorry. <guilty look> Hug?"
3) MULDER: "Merry Christmas, by the way, Scully." SCULLY: "Thank you. Merry Christmas to you, too." YOU:
A) "Yeah, thanks for the fruit cake, you Punk!" <crush Mulder voodoo doll with the 12-pound paperweight known as fruit cake>
B) "Gosh, that means they didn't have any ghosts this year..."
C) "Screw Christmas! New Year's is coming! <pant> <gasp> <foreshadowing of things to come> <grin>"
4) Mulder describes the situation to Scully: a ritualistic excavation of a suicidal retired FBI agent suggests the dead man was part of some kind of zombie resurrection. Scully looks for the more rational explanation: that whoever dug up the body staged the evidence to trick people into that "zombie" conclusion. You look for:
A) The distinct possibility that for once Mulder is going to agree with the Blessed Skeptic after all...hey, is that a pig flying? Call Pink Floyd. We found their balloon...
B) Clues leading to the conclusion that the evil Professor Mori...what? <writer gets served with papers from solicitors representing the estate of Sir Conan Doyle> Damn, okay...um, I can't use Sherlock Holmes' nemesis in this survey...who was that nemesis from the Encyclopedia Brown series? Can I use him?...
C) Lots of sexual tension that hopefully will finally get resolved! <gasp> <pant>
5) Mulder and Scully report in to the Bald Boss. The other FBI agents give the standard background search going nowhere: Mulder gives the standard "zombie resurrection" theory he gives at all the meetings. As Scully's eye-rolling puts a strain on her retinas, you exclaim:
A) "Damn Punk! For once, can't you just blame Canadians for criminal activities like you're supposed to?!"
B) "Hey! That explains what happened to Jimmy Hoffa! Case closed!"
C) "Can everybody leave so that Walter and Gizzie can do some serious flirting here? Oh, wait..."
6) Skinner mentions the Millennium Group, the secretive force of darkness from Chris Carter's other show "The Nanny." We next see Mulder and Scully entering a mental institution in Virginia where Mulder seems to know his way around. C'mon, he says hello to that smiling patient they walk by. Which leads you to conclude:
A) This is a perfect opportunity for Scully to secure Mulder in a straitjacket, order up some electroshock treatment for the Punk, and head back to her family holiday down in San Diego
B) That Mulder should know who that guy was: he was the downstairs occupant in his apartment complex who was driven insane by Mulder's constant basketball dribbling
C) Not much. But you are wondering about what happened between Dana and Fox during their car ride here...hmm...<sigh>
7) Camera turns to reveal former FBI agent and former consultant to the Millennium Group Frank Black. He's busy trying to watch the Notre Dame/Boston College football game and doesn't want to discuss conspiracies. When he tells Mulder "It's first and eighteen," even though it's obviously third and ten for the Fighting Irish, you note:
A) That there's a serious continuity glitch here! Notre Dame didn't qualify for a college bowl this year, and those are the only college games being played at the end of December!
B) That no one sane would root for Notre Dame! Go Gators!
C) That Dana and Fox are in love! <writer gets stares from everybody in the sports bar> Well, they are!
8) The Praying Man has a problem with a flat tire, and a deputy shows up to try and help. Noticing the man's growing nervousness, the deputy smells the decay of a dead body and assumes the worst. The Praying Man pulls out salt, forging a circle of protection as the deputy opens the back of the truck to find a zombie snarling and growling. As the cop shoots with no effect, you realize:
A) That there's no such thing as zombies...<living dead start smashing in the windows> Dammit, BroSean, didn't you board up the windows like you were supposed to?!...
B) Augh! It's eating brains! The zombie is going to want to go to Lucky Boy's next and order their Shark-Boy Special!
C) That there's nothing really romantic about brain-eating. Can't they have zombies drinking tea instead?...
9) Mulder and Scully join the search for the missing deputy. They uncover the circle of salt, which Mulder notes is a sign of protection. Scully wonders protection from what, when the deputy's body is found. They discover the deputy's mouth had been filled with salt and stapled shut. Mulder removes a slip of paper and reads the note. You're sure it says:
A) "Lather rinse repeat."
B) "See you next Wednesday."
C) "Kiss the girl."
10) The note is a quote from Revelations, a clue that Frank Black tried to tip them to earlier. Mulder goes back to confront him, demanding straightforward answers instead of vague hints. Black refuses to help on the case, and Scully finds out why: Frank is fighting custody for his daughter Jordan, because his dead wife's parents feel he's too obsessed with conspiracies to properly care for the child. As the retired FBI agent declares he would even sell insurance to prove his sanity, you declare:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) That there's nothing sane about selling insurance, man! Just look at the last insurance guy we bumped into! Poor Clyde Bruckman...<sob> <weep>
11) Finally convincing Black to do a little off-the-radar analysis, the agents listen to the profile he gives of the four dead men: that they were members of the Millennium Group convinced they would be the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, so they committed suicide and hired the Praying Man to resurrect them to bring about Armageddon. As Black gives a profile of the Praying Man, you:
A) Wonder how four brain-eating zombies are going to qualify as high-ranking as the Four Horsemen. C'mon, what exactly can four dead guys do?...
B) Worry that along with the Four Horsemen, the Praying Man is going to bring back that wimpy Rudy guy to play for Notre Dame. Go Gators!
C) Watch as Dana and Fox keep their hands under the table. Ooooooooo...<wicked grin>
12) Frank Black is convinced that the Praying Man will return to claim the dead deputy before he rises as the living dead. Mulder is convinced they have to stop the Four Horsemen first. Scully argues that "Even when they were alive (they) mangled biblical prophecy to the extent that it's unrecognizable. The year 2000 is just their artificial deadline and besides, 2001 is actually the start of the new millennium." As Mulder snidely answers, "Nobody likes a math geek, Scully," you reply:
A) "She's not a math geek! She's the Blessed Enigmatic One! Prepare to be trout-slapped, Punk!" <trout-slap>
B) "The best way, really, to stop the Four Horsemen is to line up 8 men in the block, using the strong safety as a linebacker to keep the Notre Dame running game from being effective..."
C) "2001? That'd be a *great* date movie! Well, it'd certainly be a lot better than that dull 'Eyes Wide Shut' fiasco..."
13) As Mulder goes off to find the Praying Man, he asks as a favor that Scully keeps the dead deputy's mouth stapled shut. Of course, as he says this the county coroner is opening the mouth and spooning out the salt. She gets distracted by Scully's call to her answering machine asking that the autopsy not begin, and when she turns back around the dead deputy is standing and a-hungering for brains. You:
A) Shake your head. Damn, there sure are a lot of openings for medical examiners on this show...
B) Scream. Okay, so...you've got a thing against brain-eating zombies...
C) Faint into a state of bliss. Fox asked Dana for a favor! <sigh>
14) Scully shows up in time to find an eerily quiet morgue. She pulls out her gun and slowly search the area. She finds the brutally attacked coroner and quickly turns to spot the Praying Man. Aiming at him distracts her from aiming at the real threat as the deputy-zombie steps out of the shadows to gnaw on Scully's medulla oblongata. She pumps off three shots to no effect. Her gun goes sliding across the floor. You:
A) Scream, "USE THE FORCE, SAINT SCULLY!" <swing that lightsaber>
B) Scream, "DEAD GUY BREATH! YUCK!" <offer a Breath Saver>
C) Weep, "NO! She hasn't slept with Fox yet!" <gnash teeth> <wail>
15) Skinner shows up asking where Scully is. He's pointed to a corner where a body is covered with a sheet. Saddened, he lifts the sheet to find...some dead guy. Skinner turns to find Scully scarred but still alive, rescued by the Praying Man who shot the zombie in the skull to stop the senseless slaughter of skeptical saints (repeat five times fast). Skinner wonders why Mulder isn't answering his phone. You wonder:
A) If this means the damn Punk is ditching everyone again and secretly driving off to Graceland! Dammit!
B) If Scully shovels up seashells by the seashore for sale at Sears...<tongue self-destructs>
C) If Fox is going to get all upset that those zombie bites on Dana's neck were hickeys. No, Fox! Don't get jealous! <whimper>
16) Mulder, meanwhile, has gone off to find a secluded, fenced-off area that would rent out to living-impaired boarders. He finds a spot, especially noting the bags of salt in the trash can. He sneaks inside, heads right for the basement, and forgets to turn on the lights as he goes downstairs. As the zombies rise from the soft dirt ground and as the Praying Man bolts the door shut, you:
A) Snort, "Yeah, Mulder, always go for the dark spooky corners of the house, why don't ya? Sheesh, it's a miracle the Punk's lasted this long!..."
B) Query, "Gee, there goes the property value of the place! No realtor is going to sell off a house infested with zombies!..."
C) Worry, "Fox, next time, check out the kitchen and make yourself a nice snack before going off to chase monsters in the basement, okay? It'll give Dana a chance to show up and cover your cute ass!"
17) Scully goes to confront Frank Black, convinced he knows more about the Praying Man and should do something to find Mulder instead of hiding from the world. Scully poses him a question: "Good and evil-- which would prevail?" After she leaves, Black asks to check himself out of the hospital. To you, this means:
A) The Blessed One has used her spiritual knowledge to ask the fundamental question of our existence, stirring righteous passion in others to do great deeds! Woo-hoo!
B) That Frank Black is finally tired of watching Notre Dame games on the t.v. and wants to go to a hotel that gets HBO instead
C) Not a lot. Philosophical questions outside the realm of "Should Dana wear white?" or "Who will get the candlesticks as a wedding present?" don't do a lot for 'Shippers...
18) Frank Black goes straight to the Praying Man's house. The Praying Man is grateful Black arrived, apparently knowing him from the Millennium Group. It seems Mulder succeeded in killing one of the Four Horsemen, and the Praying Man wants to "convert" Black so there can be four again and assure the Endtimes. Black, thankfully, has other ideas and captures the Praying Man. He heads down into the basement finding Mulder standing nervously in a small circle of salt. Mulder warns to "Shoot for the head. That seems to stop them." You warn:
A) "Shut up, Mulder. If the zombies hear you they'll wear protective helmets or something..."
B) "I think Frank Black knows this. I kinda saw that Millennium episode guest-starring KISS where Frank's partner showed him all those horror classics..."
C) "Stay alive, Fox. No matter what happens, Dana will find you!"
19) Frank Black goes to war against the three remaining zombies. He gets one, but the next one knocks him down. Mulder finishes off his clip on that dead guy, but that gives the last of the Four Horsemen to smash through the wall and threaten to eat some brains. As Scully shows up at the last second to waste Dead Guy Number Four, you:
A) Cheer, "Battle On, St. Scully!"
B) Groan, "Damn, now we'll never get that zombie sequel 'Millennium II: Dawn of the Dead' now!"
C) Pray, "Okay, now can Dana and Fox hug each other, grateful to be alive?"
20) The hospital t.v. is showing the New York New Year's Eve celebration. Dick Clark is hosting the festivities. Everyone is there to get bandaged up after their horrifying ordeal against the Four Horsemen. Scully brings in a smiling Jordan, Frank's daughter. Frank Black gives his thanks and looks to go home. You:
A) Think it was a good idea to let the Blessed One allow Frank Black a chance to enjoy his victory. All right!
B) Realize to your horror that...the ageless facade...the empty expression...OH MY GOD! DICK CLARK IS A ZOMBIE! <scream>
C) Can't wait! Oh boy oh boy OH BOY!!!...
BONUS: The ball drops. It's 2000. Mulder looks down at Scully, getting an idea. She looks up at him, sharing the same thought. They kiss. It's not a passionate, tongue-lashing, breathless kiss, but hey, it's a lip lock. You:
A) Critique the kiss and fault the Punk for his lousy aim. Not her nose, you jerk!...
B) Blame it on the Bossa Nova...
C) Faint. No, really. THEY DID IT! THEY KISSED! <blissful coma>
ADDED BONUS: They part. MULDER: "The world didn't end." SCULLY (faint smile): "No, it didn't." They walk out, still embracing. YOU:
A) "Ack! There's not enough room in the doorway for both of them to squeeze through! Watch out for..." <thud> "Ouch, say goodbye to the shoulders..."
B) "Hey! Shouldn't Y2K be causing the hospital power to shut down and..." <power blackout> "There we go!..."
C) "..." <still in a blissful coma>
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr convinced that Good will prevail over Evil...so long as Pat Buchanan stays out of the White House!
B) Then you are an X-Philer wondering if we're ever going to get a cross-over episode with a show that really matters: "Mystery Science Theater 3000!" What? Canceled?! Well, so was "Millennium!"...
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who can at last stare down those damn NoRomos and say, "Pay up, suckers!"
Oh, and it's 2016!!!
Happy 2016, X-Philers! WOO-HOO!
MILLENNIUM
Hey, wasn't there a t.v. show by that name?...
1) The episode begins in a funeral parlor. A grieving widow is meeting with her dead husband's co-workers, finishing up with a rather bland-looking middle-aged fellow who actually gets more than one line in the script. That clues you in that this guy's going to hang around, open the casket once everyone is gone, and do something really disgustingly gross. And he does: he strips the dead guy down to his underwear and starts exchanging outfits. Your reaction is to:
A) Note the medical hazards of taking clothes off dead people, especially ones that seem to have rapidly decayed. Isn't there some kind of necro-bacteriological infection you get from doing this?...
B) Wonder what the bleep Donnie Pfaster has been up to in the past five years...
C) Worry if this guy does disgusting things at weddings too. <shudder> Keep this one off the invite list, okay? Not even if he's the one bringing the pressure cooker as a gift!...
2) Scully arrives at the cemetery, where the funeral director approaches her and asks that they stop spreading rumors of people being buried alive. She quickly appraises the situation and when she finds Mulder (where else) pecking down in the grave she openly wonders who it was spreading such stories around in the first place. You want Mulder's answer to be:
A) "Gee, Scully, all I did was come up to this blonde chick and tell her 'They're coming to get you, Barbara...'"
B) "Scully, you know perfectly well the only rumors I spread around involve Demi Moore and kitchen utensils..."
C) "Dana, I'm sorry. <guilty look> Hug?"
3) MULDER: "Merry Christmas, by the way, Scully." SCULLY: "Thank you. Merry Christmas to you, too." YOU:
A) "Yeah, thanks for the fruit cake, you Punk!" <crush Mulder voodoo doll with the 12-pound paperweight known as fruit cake>
B) "Gosh, that means they didn't have any ghosts this year..."
C) "Screw Christmas! New Year's is coming! <pant> <gasp> <foreshadowing of things to come> <grin>"
4) Mulder describes the situation to Scully: a ritualistic excavation of a suicidal retired FBI agent suggests the dead man was part of some kind of zombie resurrection. Scully looks for the more rational explanation: that whoever dug up the body staged the evidence to trick people into that "zombie" conclusion. You look for:
A) The distinct possibility that for once Mulder is going to agree with the Blessed Skeptic after all...hey, is that a pig flying? Call Pink Floyd. We found their balloon...
B) Clues leading to the conclusion that the evil Professor Mori...what? <writer gets served with papers from solicitors representing the estate of Sir Conan Doyle> Damn, okay...um, I can't use Sherlock Holmes' nemesis in this survey...who was that nemesis from the Encyclopedia Brown series? Can I use him?...
C) Lots of sexual tension that hopefully will finally get resolved! <gasp> <pant>
5) Mulder and Scully report in to the Bald Boss. The other FBI agents give the standard background search going nowhere: Mulder gives the standard "zombie resurrection" theory he gives at all the meetings. As Scully's eye-rolling puts a strain on her retinas, you exclaim:
A) "Damn Punk! For once, can't you just blame Canadians for criminal activities like you're supposed to?!"
B) "Hey! That explains what happened to Jimmy Hoffa! Case closed!"
C) "Can everybody leave so that Walter and Gizzie can do some serious flirting here? Oh, wait..."
6) Skinner mentions the Millennium Group, the secretive force of darkness from Chris Carter's other show "The Nanny." We next see Mulder and Scully entering a mental institution in Virginia where Mulder seems to know his way around. C'mon, he says hello to that smiling patient they walk by. Which leads you to conclude:
A) This is a perfect opportunity for Scully to secure Mulder in a straitjacket, order up some electroshock treatment for the Punk, and head back to her family holiday down in San Diego
B) That Mulder should know who that guy was: he was the downstairs occupant in his apartment complex who was driven insane by Mulder's constant basketball dribbling
C) Not much. But you are wondering about what happened between Dana and Fox during their car ride here...hmm...<sigh>
7) Camera turns to reveal former FBI agent and former consultant to the Millennium Group Frank Black. He's busy trying to watch the Notre Dame/Boston College football game and doesn't want to discuss conspiracies. When he tells Mulder "It's first and eighteen," even though it's obviously third and ten for the Fighting Irish, you note:
A) That there's a serious continuity glitch here! Notre Dame didn't qualify for a college bowl this year, and those are the only college games being played at the end of December!
B) That no one sane would root for Notre Dame! Go Gators!
C) That Dana and Fox are in love! <writer gets stares from everybody in the sports bar> Well, they are!
8) The Praying Man has a problem with a flat tire, and a deputy shows up to try and help. Noticing the man's growing nervousness, the deputy smells the decay of a dead body and assumes the worst. The Praying Man pulls out salt, forging a circle of protection as the deputy opens the back of the truck to find a zombie snarling and growling. As the cop shoots with no effect, you realize:
A) That there's no such thing as zombies...<living dead start smashing in the windows> Dammit, BroSean, didn't you board up the windows like you were supposed to?!...
B) Augh! It's eating brains! The zombie is going to want to go to Lucky Boy's next and order their Shark-Boy Special!
C) That there's nothing really romantic about brain-eating. Can't they have zombies drinking tea instead?...
9) Mulder and Scully join the search for the missing deputy. They uncover the circle of salt, which Mulder notes is a sign of protection. Scully wonders protection from what, when the deputy's body is found. They discover the deputy's mouth had been filled with salt and stapled shut. Mulder removes a slip of paper and reads the note. You're sure it says:
A) "Lather rinse repeat."
B) "See you next Wednesday."
C) "Kiss the girl."
10) The note is a quote from Revelations, a clue that Frank Black tried to tip them to earlier. Mulder goes back to confront him, demanding straightforward answers instead of vague hints. Black refuses to help on the case, and Scully finds out why: Frank is fighting custody for his daughter Jordan, because his dead wife's parents feel he's too obsessed with conspiracies to properly care for the child. As the retired FBI agent declares he would even sell insurance to prove his sanity, you declare:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) That there's nothing sane about selling insurance, man! Just look at the last insurance guy we bumped into! Poor Clyde Bruckman...<sob> <weep>
11) Finally convincing Black to do a little off-the-radar analysis, the agents listen to the profile he gives of the four dead men: that they were members of the Millennium Group convinced they would be the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, so they committed suicide and hired the Praying Man to resurrect them to bring about Armageddon. As Black gives a profile of the Praying Man, you:
A) Wonder how four brain-eating zombies are going to qualify as high-ranking as the Four Horsemen. C'mon, what exactly can four dead guys do?...
B) Worry that along with the Four Horsemen, the Praying Man is going to bring back that wimpy Rudy guy to play for Notre Dame. Go Gators!
C) Watch as Dana and Fox keep their hands under the table. Ooooooooo...<wicked grin>
12) Frank Black is convinced that the Praying Man will return to claim the dead deputy before he rises as the living dead. Mulder is convinced they have to stop the Four Horsemen first. Scully argues that "Even when they were alive (they) mangled biblical prophecy to the extent that it's unrecognizable. The year 2000 is just their artificial deadline and besides, 2001 is actually the start of the new millennium." As Mulder snidely answers, "Nobody likes a math geek, Scully," you reply:
A) "She's not a math geek! She's the Blessed Enigmatic One! Prepare to be trout-slapped, Punk!" <trout-slap>
B) "The best way, really, to stop the Four Horsemen is to line up 8 men in the block, using the strong safety as a linebacker to keep the Notre Dame running game from being effective..."
C) "2001? That'd be a *great* date movie! Well, it'd certainly be a lot better than that dull 'Eyes Wide Shut' fiasco..."
13) As Mulder goes off to find the Praying Man, he asks as a favor that Scully keeps the dead deputy's mouth stapled shut. Of course, as he says this the county coroner is opening the mouth and spooning out the salt. She gets distracted by Scully's call to her answering machine asking that the autopsy not begin, and when she turns back around the dead deputy is standing and a-hungering for brains. You:
A) Shake your head. Damn, there sure are a lot of openings for medical examiners on this show...
B) Scream. Okay, so...you've got a thing against brain-eating zombies...
C) Faint into a state of bliss. Fox asked Dana for a favor! <sigh>
14) Scully shows up in time to find an eerily quiet morgue. She pulls out her gun and slowly search the area. She finds the brutally attacked coroner and quickly turns to spot the Praying Man. Aiming at him distracts her from aiming at the real threat as the deputy-zombie steps out of the shadows to gnaw on Scully's medulla oblongata. She pumps off three shots to no effect. Her gun goes sliding across the floor. You:
A) Scream, "USE THE FORCE, SAINT SCULLY!" <swing that lightsaber>
B) Scream, "DEAD GUY BREATH! YUCK!" <offer a Breath Saver>
C) Weep, "NO! She hasn't slept with Fox yet!" <gnash teeth> <wail>
15) Skinner shows up asking where Scully is. He's pointed to a corner where a body is covered with a sheet. Saddened, he lifts the sheet to find...some dead guy. Skinner turns to find Scully scarred but still alive, rescued by the Praying Man who shot the zombie in the skull to stop the senseless slaughter of skeptical saints (repeat five times fast). Skinner wonders why Mulder isn't answering his phone. You wonder:
A) If this means the damn Punk is ditching everyone again and secretly driving off to Graceland! Dammit!
B) If Scully shovels up seashells by the seashore for sale at Sears...<tongue self-destructs>
C) If Fox is going to get all upset that those zombie bites on Dana's neck were hickeys. No, Fox! Don't get jealous! <whimper>
16) Mulder, meanwhile, has gone off to find a secluded, fenced-off area that would rent out to living-impaired boarders. He finds a spot, especially noting the bags of salt in the trash can. He sneaks inside, heads right for the basement, and forgets to turn on the lights as he goes downstairs. As the zombies rise from the soft dirt ground and as the Praying Man bolts the door shut, you:
A) Snort, "Yeah, Mulder, always go for the dark spooky corners of the house, why don't ya? Sheesh, it's a miracle the Punk's lasted this long!..."
B) Query, "Gee, there goes the property value of the place! No realtor is going to sell off a house infested with zombies!..."
C) Worry, "Fox, next time, check out the kitchen and make yourself a nice snack before going off to chase monsters in the basement, okay? It'll give Dana a chance to show up and cover your cute ass!"
17) Scully goes to confront Frank Black, convinced he knows more about the Praying Man and should do something to find Mulder instead of hiding from the world. Scully poses him a question: "Good and evil-- which would prevail?" After she leaves, Black asks to check himself out of the hospital. To you, this means:
A) The Blessed One has used her spiritual knowledge to ask the fundamental question of our existence, stirring righteous passion in others to do great deeds! Woo-hoo!
B) That Frank Black is finally tired of watching Notre Dame games on the t.v. and wants to go to a hotel that gets HBO instead
C) Not a lot. Philosophical questions outside the realm of "Should Dana wear white?" or "Who will get the candlesticks as a wedding present?" don't do a lot for 'Shippers...
18) Frank Black goes straight to the Praying Man's house. The Praying Man is grateful Black arrived, apparently knowing him from the Millennium Group. It seems Mulder succeeded in killing one of the Four Horsemen, and the Praying Man wants to "convert" Black so there can be four again and assure the Endtimes. Black, thankfully, has other ideas and captures the Praying Man. He heads down into the basement finding Mulder standing nervously in a small circle of salt. Mulder warns to "Shoot for the head. That seems to stop them." You warn:
A) "Shut up, Mulder. If the zombies hear you they'll wear protective helmets or something..."
B) "I think Frank Black knows this. I kinda saw that Millennium episode guest-starring KISS where Frank's partner showed him all those horror classics..."
C) "Stay alive, Fox. No matter what happens, Dana will find you!"
19) Frank Black goes to war against the three remaining zombies. He gets one, but the next one knocks him down. Mulder finishes off his clip on that dead guy, but that gives the last of the Four Horsemen to smash through the wall and threaten to eat some brains. As Scully shows up at the last second to waste Dead Guy Number Four, you:
A) Cheer, "Battle On, St. Scully!"
B) Groan, "Damn, now we'll never get that zombie sequel 'Millennium II: Dawn of the Dead' now!"
C) Pray, "Okay, now can Dana and Fox hug each other, grateful to be alive?"
20) The hospital t.v. is showing the New York New Year's Eve celebration. Dick Clark is hosting the festivities. Everyone is there to get bandaged up after their horrifying ordeal against the Four Horsemen. Scully brings in a smiling Jordan, Frank's daughter. Frank Black gives his thanks and looks to go home. You:
A) Think it was a good idea to let the Blessed One allow Frank Black a chance to enjoy his victory. All right!
B) Realize to your horror that...the ageless facade...the empty expression...OH MY GOD! DICK CLARK IS A ZOMBIE! <scream>
C) Can't wait! Oh boy oh boy OH BOY!!!...
BONUS: The ball drops. It's 2000. Mulder looks down at Scully, getting an idea. She looks up at him, sharing the same thought. They kiss. It's not a passionate, tongue-lashing, breathless kiss, but hey, it's a lip lock. You:
A) Critique the kiss and fault the Punk for his lousy aim. Not her nose, you jerk!...
B) Blame it on the Bossa Nova...
C) Faint. No, really. THEY DID IT! THEY KISSED! <blissful coma>
ADDED BONUS: They part. MULDER: "The world didn't end." SCULLY (faint smile): "No, it didn't." They walk out, still embracing. YOU:
A) "Ack! There's not enough room in the doorway for both of them to squeeze through! Watch out for..." <thud> "Ouch, say goodbye to the shoulders..."
B) "Hey! Shouldn't Y2K be causing the hospital power to shut down and..." <power blackout> "There we go!..."
C) "..." <still in a blissful coma>
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr convinced that Good will prevail over Evil...so long as Pat Buchanan stays out of the White House!
B) Then you are an X-Philer wondering if we're ever going to get a cross-over episode with a show that really matters: "Mystery Science Theater 3000!" What? Canceled?! Well, so was "Millennium!"...
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who can at last stare down those damn NoRomos and say, "Pay up, suckers!"
Oh, and it's 2016!!!
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