Wednesday, April 8, 2015

The X-Files: Fight the Future AKA The Movie 'Shipper Survey

Contained below is the uber-massive 'Shipper Survey I wrote out for the X-Files movie that was released at the height of the t.v. show's popularity.  Given the length of the movie, and the importance 'shipping was made within the movie itself (the trailers promoted the tantalizing possibility Mulder and Scully would FINALLY kiss), this was an overwhelming project.

I hope you like.

I've got one mounted for the wall.

WARNING! The X-Files movie contains violence, profanity, naked Lone Gunmen, and intensely powerful hand-holding! Parental discretion is strongly advised! (there is profanity in this survey, seriously)

MOVIE SURVEY - Fight the Future

At last! The best possible way to understand your reaction to the movie!

Some SPOILERS for the sad, hapless people who HAVEN'T seen the movie...if you are one of those few, GO! GO NOW! GO FIVE TIMES! It's better than "Godzilla" (post-1998 note: yes it was)! Better than "Hope Floats" (post-1998 note: I never saw "Hope Floats")! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than "Insert Asteroid Disaster Movie Here" (post-1998 note: in hindsight, "Armageddon" was cheesy fun)! ;-) ;-)

For those who HAVE seen it five times, you can go again, this time using this as your helpful handy tool to follow the movie and annoy those sitting closest to you!!! ;_)

Oh, and in honor of the movie getting a good amount of profanity (damn TV Standards bureaucrats), the survey will have a few (just a few, mind you) 4-letter, 10-letter, and 50-letter naughty words ;-) ;-)

1) The movie begins with two fur-clad figures racing through the snowfield of North Texas in 35000 B.C. As you settle in with a bag of popcorn, you:

A) Wonder if Scully is anti-fur

B) Wonder who'll come dressed as cavemen to the midnight showing of this film

C) Wonder why the movie didn't open with Dana and Fox romping through the snow making snow angels like in the movie "Love Story" (sigh)

2) The hunters confront a lizard-like being with razor teeth and rending claws. You react to the scene by:

A) Giving a rational explanation of the lizard and pointing out the zipper on the rubber suit

B) Checking if the lizard has a fucking neck

C) Sighing because we haven't seen any hand-holding yet

3) The scene of the surviving hunter becoming infected by the oil alien segues into a scene of some kids digging a hole into the cave, one of them played by "Southern Gothic" alum Lucas Black. You respond with:

A) "Ha! I bet Scully did a better job digging out the caves of San Diego when she was their age."

B) "Someone's at the door someone's at the door someone...oh, wait, wrong show."

C) "Hey, where's Fox? Where's Dana? Where's the priest with that Maryland marriage certificate?"

4) Finally after a few scenes in the cave, we cut to downtown Dallas, which for some reason DOESN'T look like Vancouver. An FBI agent played by Terry "Don't Quit My Night Job With the Millennium Group" O'Quinn orders his agents to double-check for a bomb in the federal building. You note:

A) That the Punk's probably got the poor Saint stuck in a bathroom checking for cockroaches instead of the bomb

B) That you're still waiting for a musical number so you and your fellow Philes can dance in the aisles

C) That it's a good thing Dana and Fox are over in that other building that O'Quinn is staring at without others really spying on them, which means they can flirt and hold hands and (deleted to protect those under the age of 17 without parental supervision)

5) We cut to the annex where we are introduced to Agent Dana Scully (Emmy-winning Gillian Anderson) talking into her cel phone so she can argue with her partner. You:

A) Cheer the fact that the Blessed One starts the movie with her patented Scully Rational Explanation (trademark pending)

B) Refrain from shouting "Slut!" at the screen, even though she DOES look a bit like Susan Sarandon, because you know the OBSSErs in the audience will hunt you down with lethal trout

C) Know that Dana's SRE (trademark pending) is really her way of flirting with Fox (deep sigh)

6) Scully gets startled by her partner Agent Fox Mulder (GQ cover hunk David Duchovny), who jumps out at her from the shadows to give his explanation for searching a different building for the bomb threat. You:

A) Chant at the screen for Scully to push the Punk off the rooftop for that childish "Boo" of his

B) Refrain from shouting "Asshole!" at the screen, even though he DOES look a bit like Barry Bostwick, because you know the DDEBers in the audience will hunt you down with a wicked set of salmon

C) Know that Fox was really looking for a small, quiet place on the rooftop where he and Dana could flirt, uh argue, about what they were doing and end up, um, holding hands (vwg)

7) They continue arguing as they head off the rooftop, with Scully chiding Mulder about his being upset with the closing of the X-Files. Scully tries to open the door to the stairwell but it's stuck. Mulder checks it but finds the door wasn't stuck, that Scully was joshing him so she can say with a wicked grin "Oh, I had you. I had you big time." You note:

A) That the Enigmatic One knows how to get even with the Punk, yay!

B) That you and the other Philes will need to bring cans of WD-40 for future showings when this scene pops up

C) That Dana's going to sleep on top back at the motel...uh, on the top bunk! They've got bunk beds, yeah, that's the ticket!...

8) They make it to the ground floor where Scully keeps taunting him about the door gag, noting he looked scared. Mulder counters by saying the face he makes is this, and he stands still with a blank expression. Even as Scully adds that she saw him making that face, you:

A) Note that the Punk is merely giving the film critics more ammunition about his acting skill

B) Realize that Dr. Frankenfurter has perfected his statue-making machine

C) Wonder if he makes that face while having, holding hands with Dana, yeah that's it...

9) Mulder goes off to get a can of soda for Scully. When he finds the vending machine he plops in the change and...nothing happens. He gets a spooky feeling and checks behind the soda machine, noticing the plug is out. You:

A) Know the Punk just found the bomb but he still owes the Sainted Skeptic a diet coke

B) Wonder if he's going to get his change back

C) Sigh because Fox was being so nice about getting a soda for Dana (the NoRomo sitting next to you whispers that he was doing it because he lost a bet, but YOU know better...sigh)

10) Mulder calls Scully, warning her that he found the bomb and can't get out of the snack room. Scully thinks he's being funny, but Mulder starts counting down from 14 minutes as the camera closes in on the timer sitting inside the soda machine. As she notices the door's lock has been melted off, you:

A) Know that if the situations were reversed Scully would have defused the bomb before called her well as getting a couple of diet cokes in the process ("Watch out for that Mountain Dew, Mulder...")

B) Want Scully to whip out that axe and sing "Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really luv that rock n roll" as she whacks down the door

C) Realize that when this is all over Dana and Fox will do a lot of hugging and hand-holding...(sigh)

11) The bomb goes off. You watch the blockbuster scene unfold and:

A) Task the Blessed One for not getting in the driver's seat

B) Task the special effects people for not showing the building lift off for its return to the Galaxy Transylvania

C) Task Dana for not getting into the back seat with Fox...oh, sure, there's another guy in the car, but he'd have been too busy escaping the shockwave to notice the two agents, uh, holding hands, yeah, that's it...

12) Mulder and Scully are getting chewed out by yet another oversight committee, which is looking to place blame on someone...and two rogue agents seem to be the best possible scapegoats. As Mulder asks Scully not to let this divide them, and as Scully warns Mulder that it might do that as she ponders leaving the FBI altogether, you:

A) Realize that the Blessed One is serious this time about leaving to be a spokesperson for the Ab-Roller

B) Realize it's because she stumbled during her big dance routine during...oh, wait, that was Little Nell...

C) Realize to your horror that the RIFT OH GOD NO has made its big screen debut and it's made you spill your Mountain Dew...(sob) (whimper)...

13) Three words: Drunken Mulder Speech. As he rattles off his raison d`etre in a long-winded spiel designed to let non-Philes understand what the X-Files were all aboot, you take the time to:

A) Note that there should be a cross-cutting scene of Scully scarfing down a tub of cookie dough ice cream while tearfully explaining her role in the X-Files to a sympathetic Ma Scully (thus giving Ms. Sheila Larken a nice cameo appearance, natch!)

B) Join your fellow Philes in tossing around bags of beer nuts and hooting "Albatross for sale!" (I know, I know, there's no albatross in Rocky Horror, but I had to add a homage to Monty Python somewhere, and this seemed to be the best spot for it)

C) Tearfully ponder Fox's lament that "One is the loneliest number" (even though he's obviously plugging the soundtrack)

14) As Mulder goes off to salute Twentieth Century Fox's last summer blockbuster Independence Day ("Ready! Aim!..."), he meets a new deep source who looks suspiciously like a guy who did impossible missions back in the 60s. After he introduces himself as Dr. Kurtzweil, he mentions he was an old friend of his father's, and tells him that the people who supposedly died in the blast were already dead. As Mulder hails a taxi and drives off, heading for Arlington but then changing it to Georgetown, you respond with:

A) Questions like "Arlington? Didn't he live in Alexandria? And who the hell lives in Georgetown? His drug dealer?"

B) The theme from "Mission: Impossible" and shouted queries like "Could you explain that movie version you did, Mr. Cruise?"

C) Relief that Dana lives closer to work now rather than commuting all that way from Annapolis, after all, the only person a drunken (yet hopefully emboldened) Fox would visit this time of night is Dana, THANK GOD...

15) A restless Scully answers the knocking at her door. She queries about Mulder's sobriety and about his appearance at her doorstep. You react by:

A) Praising the Saint's ability to keep her hair straight and her make-up perfect even when she's supposed to be sleeping

B) Letting the ones who showed dressed the same way Scully is to the front row where they can reveal their beauty tips to the whole audience

C) Praying this is scene where Fox finally asks Dana to...uh, talk about her prom night over some red wine and leading it up to...uh, intense hand-holding

16) Mulder drags Scully down to Bethesda Hospital to check out the victims, only to find the morgue cordoned off by military security. As Mulder bluffs his way past a lowly grunt, you realize:

A) That Scully's talent for keeping pretty during bed rest allows her to dress fashionably at a moment's notice.

B) That Mulder is really using a Jedi Mind Trick, as the Force has a strong influence over weak minds

C) That, for all of Fox and Dana's struggles to find intelligent life elsewhere, they have yet to find intelligence in the military (/me avoids contact with my Navy relatives)...

17) Mulder and Scully checks out one of the deceased, who turns out not to have been killed by explosives or debris but from possible infection from the Valdez oil-slick aliens. Mulder leaves Scully to conduct a quick autopsy while he goes off to hunt down Kurtzweil. You:

A) Task the Punk for ditching the Blessed One AGAIN, this time surrounded by hostile soldiers and dangerously infected corpses

B) Offer the helpful tip to Scully to "lock the door and hope they don't have blasters"

C) Wonder why Fox won't take Dana with him to the bar so they can get drunk together and reminisce about bad prom nights and hopefully stumble off to some discreet hotel where they (deleted to protect those under the age of 17)

18) Mulder finds Kurtzweil waiting outside his apartment while police hunt for the doctor concerning child pornography. Kurtzweil starts rattling off a conspiracy theory about germ warfare using the oiliens and that the true power behind it all is the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA). You manage this information by:

A) Waiting for Scully to find the right answers in her autopsy while the Punk gets led astray...I mean, FEMA???

B) Thinking up a musical number that includes words that rhyme with FEMA

C) Realizing there's no way Dana will believe a small under managed department like FEMA is the dark center of the conspiracy, meaning she and Fox will argue about it, and we KNOW that's how they flirt...(deep sigh)...

19) Scully gets found out by the military goon squad, and she hides out in the morgue's crypt. As she reacts to her cel phone's sudden beeping, you:

A) Shout "Dammit, Punk, not now!"

B) Shout "Paging Dr. Scully! Dr. Scully, Black Ops courtesy phone please!"

C) Shout "Fox! Why say it over the phone when you can say it with flowers?!"

20) As Mulder heads back to Dallas, developments at the Blackwood cave are turning dark. The head scientist observing the growth of a gestating organism in one of the infected people is testing a vaccine developed against the oilien virus, but he arrives to find the alien gone. As he heads for the ladder out of the cave, he calls for back-up (prompting a few giggles from the audience as half his support team runs off) just as he spots the not-so-little grey man with sharp pointy teeth pausing before the attack. As he climbs back down the steps hoping to inject the vaccine into the nasty large thingee, you:

A) see B)

B) see C)

C) Shout "Run, you damn idiot, run! Jesus, doesn't ANYBODY run in these damn sci-fi/horror/fighting-aliens-that-eat-human-flesh movies?!?!? Obviously, no! Damn it all!..."

21) As expected, the alien lizard starts dining on fresh conspiracy scientist with L'Orange sauce, but the guy breaks free and injects the vaccine into the monster. He stumbles back to the ladder screaming for help. You:

A) Watch his "buddies" clamp down a lid on the escape route and cover it with dirt, tasking the idiot for not running when he had the bloody chance

B) Toss clumps of dirt into the aisle and fake playing "Taps" on a toy trumpet

C) Know that if it was Fox begging for help, Dana would have climbed down the ladder and kicked the alien's butt for him...or if it was Dana in trouble Fox would have climbed down there and used his Jedi powers to persuade the alien to let them pass...(deep sigh)...

22) The Conspiracy meets in London to discuss the shocking transformation of the oilien virus into a gestating alien. We see the First Elder, we've already met the Smoking Man, the Well-Manicured Man shows up dramatically late, and now we meet the ringleader, a figure I know as Oscar-Nominated Man (see what happens when you do a big-budget movie? You get actors with the big movie creds!) As they argue about what to do, you:

A) Wonder if this means they'll get Daniel Day-Lewis to play Scully's long-absent brother Charles

B) Wonder why they don't have Charles Grey showing up as No-Neck Man

C) Wonder how they'll get Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio to play younger versions of Dana and Fox in the upcoming prequel "X-Files: the Early Years"

23) The talk turns to Mulder, and the Committee finally considers just killing the punk. WMM argues that if you kill Mulder you risk turning one man's quest into a crusade. Oscar-Nominated Man counters by saying, "Then we must take away that which he holds most valuable, that with which he cannot live without." You:

A) Notice the quick edit to Scully standing by herself and shout, "Well isn't THAT bloody obvious!"

B) Actually shout, "Well, there goes Mulder's porn collection!"

C) Cry out, "Yeeees, everybody else knows how important Dana is to Fox! But, noooooo, they're going to hurt Dana to hurt Fox, that is so sad!...:("

24) After finding clues in the fossils recovered from FEMA's blast-torn offices, Mulder and Scully head out to Blackwood in search of the dig site. Instead, they find a freshly-placed playground, with new swing sets and fresh grass in the middle of a desert landscape. As they interrogate the local kids about what happened here, you:

A) Admire the Redheaded One's ability to keep from sweating in the desert heat

B) Note that they're not really dressed like door-to-door salespeople, they're really dressed up for one of the Master's affairs

C) Wonder why the kid didn't recognize that Dana and Fox are really dressed like a newlywed couple heading to Vegas for a honeymoon...(sigh)...

25) Following the tanker trucks spotted at the site, Mulder and Scully drive along an empty road until they get to a deserted intersection. Mulder suggests going left. Scully suggests going right. As the car pulls straight ahead down a dirt road towards nowhere, you:

A) Task the Punk for not turning right like she said, and curse him for not letting Scully drive

B) Sing, "It's just a turn to the left! And then a wheelie to the ri-i-i-ight! Put your hands on the dashboard, and bring your knees in ti-i-ight!..." (Okay, it's a reach, but go with it...)

C) Sigh with relief that Fox and Dana compromised and took the path straight ahead, which you feel is a metaphor, really, for the quest they have both undertaken not just for the truth but for the realization that only together can they find the Path to Enlightenment and (at this point, you should receive your tenure in the local college, so you can shush now)...

26) They drive the car into the middle of nowhere, with nothing but an abandoned railroad track and miles of desert. As Scully gives her "why am I out here?" rant, you shout back to the screen:

A) "Go ahead, chew out the Punk for not going right! And dammit, it's his fault you only had half a bagel with cream cheese, and it wasn't even real cream cheese and...and...okay, so I'm flashing back to Bad Blood! Sit back and eat your popcorn, buddy!"

B) "I told you that castle back there didn't have a fucking phone!"

C) "Get back in the car, guys. Las Vegas is straight ahead, and you can find an Elvis impersonator who'll get you married pronto!"

27) Just as Scully is about to quit on Mulder once and for all, Mulder gets a big break when a train pulls by carrying the tankers they were looking for. You respond by:

A) Shouting again, "That doesn't let you off the hook for the bagel, you Punk!"

B) Adding "What we need now is a miracle!" (Fake trumpet noise)

C) Asking "Okay, NOW can you two go to Vegas?!?!?"

28) They chase after the train, reaching a desert valley filled with...corn. They stumble through the corn toward two inflated dome structures, during which you:

A) Pray the cornfield isn't full of killer kitties (shudder)

B) Hold up corncobs and recite the "What your people call corn, my people call maize" speech.

C) Wish they'd stop to do some stargazing and wistful conversations of little importance, holding hands as they take the time to grow closer...together...(deeep sigh)...

29) They enter one of the domes, walking into an antechamber filled with metal vents shutting out, or shutting in, something... As the movie gets creepier, you:

A) Steel yourself, for you know the Blessed One would never be afraid, NEVER...

B) Wonder what kind of Conspiracy keeps their doors unlocked

C) Grab the person closest to you (hopefully the one that came to the movie with you) and hold their hands the way Dana and Fox would when they needed to, uh, comfort each other (sigh)...

30) The vents open, the music speeds up, and the BEES OH NO fly into the antechamber for the attack. As Mulder and Scully run for cover, you:

A) Really get to hate the words "Bee Husbandry", especially if Marita ever says it again (grrrrrr)

B) Throw your popcorn with other Philes to simulate the BEE ATTACK (buzzing noise optional)

C) Know for sure Dana and Fox aren't going to use honey as a marital aid any time soon

31) Mulder and Scully stumble out of the dome, just in time for the helicopters to show up and chase them through the cornfield. You respond by:

A) Wishing Chris Carter "Into the Cornfield" for not letting Scully carry around a spare set of jogging sneakers.

B) Picking two Philes to stand in the front twirling around like helicopters while the rest of you wave your hands in the seats like the cornfield and while two Philes dressed like Moose and Squirrel (no, really, moose and squirrel outfits required) run through the aisles

C) Waiting for the intense hand-holding scene that's sure to come once Dana and Fox escape from the cornfield

32) Scully hurries late into FBI headquarters for her appearance before the Inquisition, while Mulder goes back to the bar to find Kurtzweil. As Scully tries to bring up new evidence and as a rogue bee crawls out from her collar, you:

A) Praise the Blessed One for doing her best to look good for the Inquisition, although Skinner should have warned you about that strand of hair sticking out...sigh...he'll just have to get slapped with a trout later...

B) Warn Mulder that Greedo is in the bar looking for him

C) Really start to hate Bee Husbandry, hate it hate it HATE it!

33) Mulder, angered by Kurtzweil's apparent attempt to use him for other reasons, stumbles back to his apartment. As he does find proof Kurtzweil knew his father, Scully slowly stumbles in herself, announcing she's getting transferred to Salt Lake City, but that she'll resign instead. As Scully launches into her "You Don't Need Me I Always Held You Back" speech, you:

A) Grudgingly accept Scully's resignation although it's not like the Enigmatic One to give up so easily...perhaps she thinks she's saving Mulder by sacrificing herself, yeah that's it!...

B) Join the other Philes in a farewell send-off complete with fake trumpet noises and a 21-bubblegum pop salute.

C) Actually jump for joy because now they don't have to worry about the FBI's rules of ethical conduct and they can finally DO IT!

34) Mulder chases after Scully into the hallway, challenging her departure. Scully counters by pointing out she was meant to shut him and the X-Files down. He replies (thank you, Autumn, for the script!) "But you SAVED me...You've kept me honest. You made me a whole person. I owe you everything, Scully, and you...owe me nothing..." You watch this all and:

A) Cheer with a hearty "Yes, the Punk's finally admitting how valuable a Saint she is!"

B) Cheer with a slightly cynical "Oscar speech! Oscar speech!"

C) Cheer with a lustful "Yes! They're going to DO IT!"

35) Scully does her grimace/grin, pulls Mulder's head down in a hug and reaches up to kiss him on the forehead. You murmur toward the screen:

A) "It has always been her power to forgive the Punk..."

B) "Gee, Riff-Raff and Magenta pretty much expressed themselves with the Elbow Fuck..."

C) "Dana, you're aiming too high...his lips are down there..."

36) Mulder noticeably doesn't let go of Scully, and stares at her with silent intent. She stares back, slowly recognizing the look on his face, letting a tear drop from her eyes as her lips quiver. They lean toward each other, letting their hands wrapped around each other's necks guide them closer, and as their lips part as they nearly touch, you:

A) Curse at Mulder for not bending his knees...the Blessed One can't reach

B) Grab some popcorn to ready yourself for the scene you've already heard about in the SPOILERS

C) Lean forward in your chair, heart racing, because Dana and Fox are finally DOING IT! <pant><pant>

37) Scully goes "Ow" and pulls away. You:

A) Shout "Mulder, you jerk! Get off her foot!"

B) Shout "Bees!" and throw popcorn to stimulate the bee attack

C) Shout (in your best Charlton Heston voice) "DAMN YOU CHRIS CARTER, YOU NOROMO BASTARD! DAMN YOU TO HELL!"

38) Scully suddenly feels ill, and starts rattling off a series of medical symptoms that are racing through her. As Mulder lowers her to the floor and races off to dial 911, you:

A) Try to admire the Enigmatic One's skill in describing all the disorders suddenly affecting her, but you pull out a Holy Handkerchief and worry that the damn cancer is back

B) Try to remind Mulder to turn the globe off when he leaves his apartment

C) Try to keep the NoRomos sitting near you from snickering that this means Dana and Fox should never kiss...damn bees!

39) The ambulance driver that shows up to retrieve Scully really can't hold a job: just last week he was working in Dallas as a vending supplier. Just as Mulder figures out just who the guy is, the jerk pulls out a gun and shoots poor Moose in the forehead. As the bad guys drive off as the real ambulance pulls up, you:

A) Worry that the Punk's got no one to fix his wounds right now

B) Spot a bumper sticker on the fake ambulance that reads "Like my driving and shooting? Dial 1-800-KISS-OFF"

C) Wait patiently for the real ambulance to show up so Fox can commandeer it, drive after Dana, and rescue her from the evil clutches of Oscar-Nominated Man

40) The screen goes dark. In the distance, we hear voices calling for Mulder...or are they arguing over the high score on Dig-Dug? Mulder opens his eyes to see a horrifying vision: The Lone Gunmen real close up. As he rattles off "Cowardly Lion, Scarecrow...Toto?" you respond by:

A) Correlating the Oz figure to the proper supporting character, Byers as Lion, Langly as Scarecrow, Frohike as the pooch...leaving Skinner as the Tin Man, considering how stiff he can be at times...

B) Answering Mulder's descriptions with a hearty "My Kung Fu is the best!" only when he mentions the Lone Gunman you're dressed as.

C) Worrying that the Lone Gunmen are looking at Fox the wrong way...(shudder)...

41) Speaking of the Tin Man, Skinner shows up to try and keep Mulder in the hospital, knowing that his every move will be watched and he'd be killed before rescuing Scully. The Lone Gunmen offer up a "what can we do?" Mulder responds with "Strip Byers naked." You:

A) Shrug. If we have to see a Lone Gunman naked, it at least better not be Frohike...

B) Find all the Philes dressed as Byers and strip the poor suckers

C) Worry that Fox is wanting the wrong cast member stripped...(whimper)...

42) Mulder races off to find Kurtzweil, but finds instead the Well-Manicured Man, who's oddly prepared to deal with Mulder rather than kill him. The WMM uses his big dramatic moment to provide all the exposition we need: describing the real reasons for the conspiracy and the coming alien colonization. As the WMM offers Mulder a cure for Scully and the location where they're hiding her, you:

A) Realize that if Mulder doesn't find Scully in time, he's REALLY going to get trout-slapped as many times as the number for this survey question...hey...

B) Realize that John Neville sounds like Charles Gray when he's giving all that exposition

C) Hope the location is a honeymoon suite overlooking Niagara Falls and they're keeping Dana cool in a tub built for two

43) In a shocking gesture, the WMM punctuates his statement to "Trust No One" by offing the chauffeur. He lets Mulder out and urges him to hurry to Scully's rescue. As the WMM enters the passenger side of the front seat, you:

A) Wonder if he's going to get the radio out before dumping the car somewhere else

B) Watch that rodent pass by Mulder and shout "Hey! It's Krycek!!!"

C) Witness the explosion and nod knowing that the Well-Done Man has given his life to make sure Fox and Dana are together again...what a way to go-go...

44) The scene shifts to Antarctica where a lone snow-truck plows across the glacier. Mulder stumbles out from the vehicle and heads up some rocks to spy a distant government facility. As he stumbles closer to it, you take the time to:

A) Pull out a certain vegetable and shout aloud, "An intellectual carrot! The mind boggles!"

B) Ask those with the carrots "What do you do with a vegetable?"

C) Reply to those who asked about the carrots with a hearty "Cook it!" (There. Got my tribute to 1951's "The Thing" out of the way...)

45) Mulder falls through the ice into a cavern, leading into a ventilation shaft. The shaft takes Mulder deeper into a dark, cathedral-sized underground facility. As he works his way down to find Scully, you:

A) Task the Punk for not bringing some carrots with him: the Enigmatic One's going to be hungry when she wakes from her coma, dammit!

B) Run from the top row seats all the way to the front row mimicking Mulder's slide down, all the while screaming non-sensible words like state capitals or something...

C) Wait for Fox to find Dana so he can warm her hands with intense holding

46) Mulder finds Scully, frozen with a look of horror on her face. As he punches his way through the glass to rescue her, you realize:

A) That Gillian's really horrified that she lost a Golden Globe to an actress who can't find her way out of a bathroom

B) That Scully's really horrified that her mom's last home-cooked meal of meatloaf was...was...well...

C) That Dana's really horrified that Fox didn't show up with that engagement ring like he was supposed to

47) Mulder injects Scully with the vaccine, and whatever it is, it not only brings Scully back to life, it kills off the alien organic growth and gets whatever's in the structure to start kicking itself to pieces. As Mulder drags a naked Scully out of the container, and as the surroundings begin to collapse in a cloud of steam, you:

A) Curse the Punk for not bringing a set of sensible clothes for the Blessed One

B) Shout that the dilithium crystals can't take much more of this

C) Worry that there aren't going to be that many surprises for Fox when he and Dana finally get around to doing it

48) Mulder and Scully try to climb out the way Mulder entered. They reach the first passageway, now filled with puddles of water and with rows of containers filled with waking gestating aliens. Scully collapses, and a terrified Mulder works feverishly to resuscitate her with CPR. She comes to, smiles and whispers "Had you big time." You respond by:

A) Tasking the Enigmatic One (yes, HER) for choosing the wrong time and place to out-prank the Punk

B) Celebrating with a fake trumpet salute and tossing your now-empty popcorn bags at any of the Philes dressed like Scully

C) Knowing Dana was really tricking Fox into CPR so they could lip lock. YEEEEESSSS...(satisfying sigh)...

49) Mulder and Scully escape the waking alien life forms. They climb out of the ice crevice onto the glacier floor. But the ground shudders, cracks. As they stand and turn to run, the cracks grow into shattered pieces of ice, falling inward toward the underground structure. They race ahead of the fissures, slowly losing to the shattering ice that finally gives way beneath them. As they fall into the darkness, you whisper:

A) "Worry not, for yea, they shall rise again upon the strength of the Blessed One's faith..."

B) "Gee, Riff-Raff and Magenta should have given them more time to flee the castle before it lifted off..."

C) "They can't die...they will never long as their love for each other keeps them...together...(sniff) (sniff)..."

50) The ground erupts in a cloud of ice, pushing Mulder and Scully skyward. A large, metallic object rises through the glacier as the agents slide down its side, falling to the ground below. Mulder turns, witnesses the UFO, and turns to a barely conscious Scully asking, no begging her if she saw it. You take in this moment and:

A) Grin at Scully's weak "I see it," knowing she's not really seeing anything but taking Mulder's word for it

B) Realize that was no UFO, that was a hubcap you lost during that road trip to Vancouver two years ago

C) Cheer as Dana wraps Fox in her arms, gently cradling him as she gathers enough strength to give him an intense hand-hold

51) The scene fades to Scully sitting before the FBI panel, quietly, stoically listening to the bureaucratic nonsense being offered up against the evidence she and Mulder apparently brought before this committee. When the head of the committee concludes by suggesting the bizarre evidence of corn fields and bee husbandry be shipped off to some other investigative office, Scully sternly rises from her chair, offers up the bee that stung her as evidence, and righteously states that there is currently no office that can handle such an investigation. As Scully quietly, stoically walks away, you:

A) Cheer the Saint's righteous power and metaphorical trout-slap she just pulled on that entire committee

B) Toss around whatever popcorn's left on the theater floor, even though it'll be a little sticky

C) Wonder how Dana and Fox kept warm during their return trip from...oooh, okay...(vwg)

52) Scully finds Mulder sulking somewhere in a park that looks suspiciously like...Santa, L.A.? Nah, they wouldn't film in L.A. Anyway. Scully finds Mulder waiting for her, and he brings up the fact that no matter what they do, they can't win: all the evidence, all the truths that they've found are being hidden again. You:

A) Task the Punk for whining and wish the Blessed One would get around to slapping him with a trout like he's deserved since survey question #42...hey...

B) Recognize the place they're talking at the park where you first met your blind date who took you to your first Rocky Horror movie and sadistically offered you up as a virgin starting a series of traumatic events that left you in torn fishnet stockings and a wig that smelled of Milk Duds the next morning...or maybe that's just me...

C) Know Fox is really upset that he left the engagement ring he got for Dana back on that UFO

53) Scully counters Mulder's defeatist attitude with the fact that she will not abandon him now, even if he wants her to leave for her own safety. She is re-energized with the truth that there is a cure for the oilien virus, with the fact that the two of them are the only ones who can save others endangered by it, that if he quits, "they win". As she reaches out to hold his hand, you realize:

A) That this is the Blessed Redhead you know and emulate: tough, forgiving, willing to keep up the good fight, and eager to rattle off those rational explanations

B) That the "they" she's referring to are the movie theater managers who are getting sick and tired of cleaning up all that rice, toast, water balloons, and used fishnet stockings

C) That for the first time since, well, ever that when they're holding hands they're also staring deeply into each other's eyes

54) The image of the two of them holding hands fades away to a helicopter racing over the sand dunes of Tunisia, in a place called Tataouine. As the helicopter speeds to its destination, you shout:

A) "Ah! Sandstorm!Scully! More angst! Noooooooo..."

B) "Hey, if there's a bright spot in the galaxy then this is the place farthest from it...and watch out for that place Mos will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy..."

C) "No! Don't fade away! We were just about to see Dana and Fox go off to some hotel where they were going to check each other for hidden bees before DOING IT! Nuts..."

55) Smoking Man arrives to tell Oscar-Nominated Man that Mulder has seen too much, that he will be a greater threat now, and hands him a telegram. ONM reads the telegram, letting it fall to the sand as he quietly walks away into a row of corn. As the camera rises from the message reading "X-Files re-opened Stop Please advise Stop" to stare across a cornfield the size of Vancouver, you:

A) Watch the production credits come up and wait for Gillian Anderson's name to appear so you can cheer, stomp your feet, and trout-slap those non-Philes who dare to leave the theater too early

B) Break out into song and dance the Madison...

C) Sigh and patiently wait for the sequel: "X-Files: In Search of a One Bed Hotel Room"

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSEr who swears the Enigmatic One will save Mulder's bare ass in the sequel: X-Files II: Wrath of Scully's Mom

B) Then you are an X-Phile/Rocky Horror/Star Wars fan who can't wait for the midnight shows so you can come dressed as Langly carrying a lightsaber

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's content that Dana and Fox TRIED to kiss this time but next time they BETTER SUCCEED, dammit!...>:-(

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