Sunday, June 7, 2015

The X-Files: Unusual Suspects 'Shipper Survey

Filming apparently is beginning RIGHT ABOUT NOW for the revival episodes, so to tide things over I'm getting some of the classic 'Shipper surveys I'd posted decades ago (yeah, I'm dating myself here) on the newsgroup.

Today, for kicks, I'm going with an episode that's got no Scully (NOOOOOOOO) and only two minutes of Mulder, thirty-seven seconds of which has Mulder running around naked (knew that would get your attention).

Just so the Gillian Anderson fans out there are appeased, here's a recent selfie of her:
either that or Gillian is showing off the
new cellphones they're using on the show.



Usually, 'Shipper sentiments tend toward Dana and Fox, but since we're Dana-less and Byers is so puppy-faced this episode, this is dedicated to the Lone Gunman with the professional fashion sense...

1) When the episode opens with the Lone Gunmen hiding and Mulder lying about on the floor completely naked, your thought was:

A) "You know, Scully would've solved this case by now..."

B) "Damn, those Lone Gunmen parties can get really wacky!"

C) "Where's Dana? Fox needs her support and hand-holding!" (Sorry, out of habit, trust me the rest will be about Byers...)

2) Byers tells us - actually he tells Det. John Munch, Patron Saint/Lead Detective of the Westphall Universe - his full name is John Fitzgerald, born the day JFK was assassinated, right after asking for some mystery grrl. You note:

A) "Hmm, he can't be asking about Scully. The Enigmatic One can take care of herself."

B) "Dammit, Byers, you're in the show `Homicide'! You're on the wrong network!!!"

C) "Aw, Byers cared about someone else. She must be really special...(sigh)..."

3) Happy, naive Byers works at the FCC booth of a hackers' convention, trying desperately to sell a happy positive image to those he views as professional equals. Sadly, he gets the derision and scorn of those who call him "narc" and shun his efforts. Then, he turns and stares as SHE walks into the room. You think:

A) "Damn! Another blonde!"

B) "Damn! The guy in the background is getting a higher score on Dig Dug than I ever got!"

C) "Damn! Byers, you've got to do a better job of flirting than that!"

4) The mystery grrl passes the booths of Mel Frohike and Langly, who both vie for her attention. You note:

A) "Geez, these guys flirt with every warped blonde that comes their way!"

B) "Uh, sure, getting cable from Frohike or Langly. Wait until Direct TV, okay?"

C) "Please, don't flirt with those guys! Sure, they're destined to be Hackers Supreme, but Byers is the one who's sincerely interested with your quest for the Truth!"

5) Byers gets to talk to the mystery grrl, who calls herself Holly and who's looking to save her daughter Susanne from a psychotic ex-boyfriend. You realize:

A) That the Enigmatic One knows her share of psychotic ex-boyfriends as well as one punkish partner.

B) She doesn't look a bit like Holly from the later seasons of "Red Dwarf"...well, okay, maybe their haircuts do look a tad similar...

C) That Byers really knows how to flirt, so that means us other geeks might have a chance after all...:-)

6) "Holly" sneaks in on Frohike and closes the curtains as he predictably drools like Pavlov's dog. You note:

A) That the Blessed One would have slapped him down a bit before offering a kleenex to him

B) That you could have whupped Byers' colleague's butt at Dig Dug after all

C) That Byers needs to be more discreet in finding a better place to bring his dates

7) "Holly" goes ballistic when a certain Agent Mulder shows up. She claims HE is her ex-boyfriend and father of her child. Your response is:

A) To insist that Scully shoot him in the other shoulder when she finds out about the cheatin' bastid!!!

B) That ring from "Travelers" is starting to make some twisted sense...

C) Frohike's right, Byers: go kick his ass!

8) Poor Byers. First his new girlfriend runs off, then he finds out Mulder is an FBI agent hunting for her, then he sees his Dig Dug colleague get dragged off by Army soldiers for some hacking Byers did, and when Byers tries to do the honorable thing by offering to turn himself in, Frohike pulls off his FCC badge and whispers, "Welcome to the Dark Side." Your main thought is:

A) "Gee, Frohike tells that to Scully almost every other week, right?"

B) "Byers, no! If you turn to the Dark Side, choose the quick and easy way, forever down that path you will go..."

C) "(sigh) The things we do for love..."

9) To continue the hacking quest, Frohike and Byers must turn to another Master: Langly, AKA Lord Man-Hammer. When Frohike grudgingly admits "Your Kung-Fu is the best," and as the triumphant music swells, you realize:

A) Scully would make for a great elf-wizard...

B) Sword of Wounding? Give me break, you're better off with a +5 Shield of Forever, which protects you from magic spells, dragon breath, demi-lich drainage, and...and...oh, uh, okay I know a little D & D, JUST A LITTLE!...

C) That at least Byers is out getting a social life while these sad fools waste their hours in the darkness playing games, getting on the Internet, posting ridiculously silly posts like senseless sur...uh, oh dear, never mind...:-/

10) Langly succeeds in hacking into the FBI mainframe. They find that Mulder has commendations up the wazoo, single with no sign of being a parent, and chasing after "Holly," who turns out to be Susanne Modeski, wanted for murder, destruction of property, and willfully being a blonde. You note:

A) Scully has commendations up the wazoo, too. But does that get her a desk?!?! Noooooo...

B) Hey! If Mulder's single, where the bleep does he get off wearing a wedding ring?!?!?

C) Poor Byers. He finally meets a woman and it turns out she's the victim of a massive government conspiracy that's framing her for high crimes...

11) Susanne arrives, scaring the timid hackers with talk of conspiracies, Gideon's Bibles, and JFK ("Dallas? 1963? Hell-oooooo..."). She gets them to hack further into the Arpanet, finding out there IS a conspiracy to perform some controlled public experiment and that her dentist might be involved. When they find out she's pulling out her teeth to get at whatever they planted on her, you realize:

A) That if she removes that implant she'll get cancer!...

B) That she'd be better off getting at it with a Sword of Wounding instead of those rusty pliers...

C) That she needs someone's help and support, and that Byers should hug her...

12) They head for a nearby warehouse, where they find a box of inhalers filled with a fear-inducing chemical. Mulder arrives to arrest them, but other government agents arrive as well, starting a shoot-out. As the mayhem ensues, you note:

A) That Scully would've nailed those MIBs with one shot, without damaging the toxic containers...(okay, she may have let a stray shot hit the blonde, but maybe not, you never know...)

B) That Mulder keeps standing where he's gonna get covered in toxic chemicals that'll warp his mind...sheesh, no wonder he's spooky...

C) That Byers and Susanne should use this opportunity to sneak off to Las Vegas and get married by an Elvis priest...;-)

13) Susanne shoots the bad guys and escapes while Mulder crawls off to hallucinate. Then trucks arrive, doors open, and Mr.X enters to clean up the mess. Your main thought is:

A) "No one touches" Mulder? Sheesh, who would WANT to touch the Punk?!

B) Gee, do you think this whole situation was contrived by CancerMan to send Mulder on a quest into the investigation of the unknown, and to provide him with allies like these hackers, even granting X the ability to state "I heard it was a Lone Gunman" knowing full well that would lead to the formation of the Lone Gunmen?! Nah...

C) Poor Byers. He keeps finding his girl, then losing her, then finding her, then losing her...poor guy...

14) Daylight comes, and with a touch of sanity. Mulder frees the Lone Gunmen from jail, allowing them a chance to find Susanne leaving a newspaper office in tears. No one believes her story, except for Byers and the LG. Grateful, she kisses Byers and walks away. You note:

A) That the Enigmatic One would have suggested going to the Washington Post. I mean, those suckers would print anything!...;-)

B) That Byers should have answered that ringing phone in the background with the words "Mad Dog Pizza! We deliver!"

C) That, THANK GOD, somebody around here FINALLY KISSED! :) :) :)

15) The story has ended. Poor Byers had seen Susanne captured by X, and Mulder has returned to ask the Lone Gunmen what had happened. As the LG begin their role as conspiracy experts and advisors to the Spooky One, you conclude with this thought:

A) "You know, Scully would be getting into the Academy right now at Quantico...only three more years until she shows up to keep Mulder's ass out of trouble!..."

B) "No, not now! They were going to explain that bit about hotel bibles!..."

C) "No, it can't end like this! Byers WILL find his true love!!! Dana will meet Fox and they WILL fall in love!!! Frohike WILL subscribe to Romana Clef! And Langly WILL prove he IS Lord Man-Hammer, um, well maybe not..."

If you more often than not answered:

A) then you are an OBSSEr waiting for that special Scully-centric episode without the Punk, without the Geeks and WITH Det. Kersage.

B) then you are an X-Phile who's grateful to see an origins episode but who never knew it cost $50 to get a Sword of Wounding.

C) then you are a 'Shipper who's saddened by the fact Byers only got a kiss after all he's been through and that dammit! he and Susanne should have fled for Jamaica on a honeymoon...;-)

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