Sunday, May 3, 2015

The X-Files: Bad Blood 'Shipper Survey

As mentioned earlier I've run out of Season One 'Shipper Surveys from afore.  I could write up newer ones to the first season, but I need to find the time (takes almost a whole day, maybe a weekend, to write up a decent survey).  Meanwhile, I'm tossing out a classic 'Shipper Survey for a classic Vince Gilligan written episode.


Senseless 'Shipper Survey- Bad Blood

Hoo boy, will this be senseless...;-)

1) It's the start of the X-Files. There are people running in a forest. Mulder impales one with a stake through the heart. Scully arrives and Mulder babbles about the kid being a vampire. Scully removes the fake vampire teeth, and Mulder starts saying "Oh, sh--...": Your first thought is:

A) Well, looks like the Punk is going to jail. I guess the show's just going to be about Agent Scully from now on...;-)

B) Watch it, Mulder, the t.v. warning label doesn't say anything about "South Park"-like language...

C) Scully, it looks like Mulder's going to have a bad day, so why not give him some tender lovin' care?...(deep sigh)

2) Back in the Hoover basement, Mulder wonders how Scully could have a different POV on the case. Your response is:

A) "Shut up, Mulder. Her version is the right version, so go with it!"

B) "Oh MY GOD! He killed Kenny! You bastard!"

C) "You should trust her by now, Mulder. Stop arguing and use your desk for a quickie!"

3) We start watching Scully's version of the story, with an Eager!Mulder acting like a know-it-all jerk showing off meaningless slides of mutilated cattle, and you can't help but say:

A) "Punk!"

B) "Wait until Leonard Maltin shows up talking about the Diamond of Zinthar..."

C) "This is how Dana sees Fox? No wonder they haven't had sex yet!"

4) Stoic!Scully gets her first view of Sheriff Studly (Sue me, I didn't read the acting credits for character names). Your response is:

A) "Oh no, the Enigmatic One's falling for another slice of beefcake. I wish she'd be more mature than that..."

B) (Extreme constant laughter that sends you rolling on the floor)

C) "Oh no, Dana's getting all misty-eyed for someone other than Fox! The RIFT!! NOOOOOO!"

(note: you may need to pick up on vital 'Shipper terminology.  The RIFT was short-hand for "Mulder and Scully ain't getting any"... or something akin)

(additional note: the sheriff's first name is Lucius?!  This is a bit before Harry Potter took off and Lucius Malfoy became a memetic pimp)

5) Stoic!Scully gets to work on her autopsy while Eager!Mulder runs off in search of untied shoelaces. As you watch Scully work, do you:

A) Appreciate everything this woman goes through for her jerky, punkish partner

B) Order a pizza when she describes the stomach contents

C) Cry over Dana's statement that the deceased is the only person in Texas more miserable than she is, knowing full well her enjoyment of life could be achieved if she and Fox mend their fences

and settle down in a passionate no-holds-barred relationship

6) Eager!Mulder returns to the hotel to send Scully back out for another autopsy. Do you:

A) Enjoy that the Blessed One gets Mulder to pay for the pizza

B) Wonder if the pizza has mushrooms on it

C) Wish Dana and Fox could both enjoy the vibrating bed (massive deep sigh)

7) Stoic!Scully discovers the pizza guy is the culprit and returns in time to save Mulder from being the next victim. What do you say?

A) "Battle on, SWAT!Scully!"

B) "Look out Ned, it's coming right for us!"

C) "Dana, you should sing the `Theme from Shaft' with Fox until he gains consciousness so you can then use the vibrating bed together (deep sigh)"

(note: you have to see it to believe it)

(the damn clip cuts off before Duchovny, uh Mulder defends "I DID NOT.")

8) Having heard Stoic!Scully's version of events, Mulder counters with his own version. Your response is:

A) "The Punk's absolutely completely off his rocker!"

B) "Does this version come with Cheesy Poofs?"

C) "Does this version have him admitting his love for this woman?"

9) We now get a retelling of the slide demonstration by Nice!Mulder while Cranky!Scully jumps down his throat. Your first thought is:

A) "Mulder, you're nuts!"

B) "Hey, do you know last week episode of South Park didn't have Isaac Hayes singing, but this week's episode of X-Files had Mulder singing `Shaft'! Coincidence? Buy the book!..."

C) "This is how Fox views Dana? OH NO! The RIFT!!!! NOOOOOOooooooo..."

10) Mulder's POV provides us with Sheriff Bucktooth. Your response is:

A) "Hey! The Saintly One doesn't get all misty-eyed over, except for guys with tattoos..."

B) "Well, at least he's not a fat-ass." CARTMAN: "Hey, who you calling a fat-ass?" YOU: "Shut up, Cartman. Jesus, you'd walk down the street and people would say `Goddammit! That kid's a fat-ass!" CARTMAN: "I'll kick you in the nuts!" etc.

C) "Uh, Dana? Dana? Heelllo, Earth to Dana!...stop staring at Sheriff Bucktooth like that, Dana!!!..."

11) Mulder goes out to the graveyard to ponder the mysteries of the universe. Your main thought is:

A) Shut up, Mulder. Jesus, just stop babbling like that, you Punk!

B) Is Kenny buried here?

C) You should call Dana right now and explain everything over the cell phone, okay Fox?

12) The sheriff gets a call at the local RV area. He and Mulder have to wrassle with a runaway van. After viewing the whole scene, you:

A) Know Scully would have stopped the vehicle with one shot

B) Wonder if the RV is filled with mutant turkeys

C) Realize Mulder has to go back to the hotel and take a shower...hopefully with his redheaded partner hint hint...

13) Nice!Mulder makes it back to the hotel to speak to Cranky!Scully, who quickly bitches about doing "Everything for you. You you you!!!" You say aloud:

A) "You tell him, sister!"

B) "Let's hear Scully sing `Mulder's Mom Is A Big Fat B---- in C Minor'!"

C) "Fox, she needs to relax. Take off your coat, join her on the vibrating bed, and slowly- gently- give her a nice soothing shoulder massage. Then work your way down, gently ever so gently, working on the curve of her back, and then her arms, and her legs, gently, slowly working up her thighs until (deleted to protect younger viewers)."

14) Mulder has just told his version, and he and Scully realize they will never be able to complement each other's versions of events. Do you:

A) Suggest Scully dump her Punkish partner and head off for her own t.v. show "Scully: Medical Examiner"

B) Suggest they get Robert Smith of the Cure to come in and save the day

C) Suggest they clear off Mulder's desk and get in a quickie before the authorities come in and drag them off to prison (what, so I'm repeating myself here!  IT'S THE ONLY SANE SOLUTION TO THIS EPISODE... or any other for that matter...)

15) They're waiting in Skinner's office like middle school students nailed big time for some serious infraction. You:

A) Have a nasty flashback to the Eighth grade when everyone was using your back for spitting practice

B) Have a nasty flashback to the Ninth grade when...when...I can't say it! I can't!!!!...

C) Have a nasty flashback to the Tenth grade, when...(at this point, someone should slap me upside the head and remind me I'm no longer in school and I shouldn't be ruining a perfectly senseless survey with my emotional scars)

16) Scully tries to straighten out Mulder's tie. You:

A) Task Mulder for fidgeting with her when she's going out of her way to help the Punk

B) Wonder if they're in trouble for watching Terence and Phillips again

C) Want Scully to rip off that tie, leading to Mulder shredding her clothes and her shredding his so they can roll on the floor making sweet love while Chef sings a new tune (oops, got South Park and X-Files mixed up in this answer, ach well)

17) It turns out Mulder's not such a good vampire hunter after all, as the pizza guy comes back to life. You:

A) Note that Scully would've done a better job...IF she believed in that sort of thing, anyway...

B) Cancel that pizza order you made ten minutes ago

C) Still want Scully to rip off that tie, leading know...

18) They go back to Texas, and we see that Sheriff Bucktooth is really Sheriff Studly. Mulder decides to leave Scully with the sheriff while heading off to the RV camp for clues with a "Never say I don't do any favors for you, Scully." Your response is:

A) "Mulder, you never do any favors for the Enigmatic One, you punk!"

B) "Hey, Kenny, how do you know she owns a cat?"

C) "FOX! Don't ditch her and leave her there with another guy! Noooooooooooo..."

19) Mulder finds the camp filled with vampires, while Scully discovers to her horror that Sheriff Studly has this eye problem- namely, they're glowing like he's a vampire. You scream out:

A) "Use your Jedi powers, Psychic!Scully! And dammit, Mulder, put some garlic on those breadsticks!"

B) "Pink Eye! Quick, get some topical cream!"

C) "Hey, if Dana and Fox become vampires, at least they'll be together...young, beautiful, forever...(deep Anne Rice-ish sigh)"

20) The episode ends with chastened agents sitting before A.D. Skinner, who's getting another headache from yet another unresolved case. You:

A) Accept Mulder's feeble clincher, "That's pretty much how it happened...except for the buckteeth."

B) Check to make sure the pizza guy delivering your pizza doesn't have pink eye

C) Wonder if Dana and Fox realize that, while they may have differing views and opinions, they are bonded forever by their mutual quest for the they should stop bickering with each other, see each other as beautiful wonderful human beings and DO IT!...(deep sigh)

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSEr who's wondering why the Sainted One didn't wear her cross (actually, she did, but for some reason this writer missed it!)

B) Then you're a pizza-loving South Park fan who's making sure the pizza just delivered doesn't have any, um, artificial additives

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who thinks they should have put that vibrating bed to better use (massive deep sigh)

(note: what do you think?  Too many South Park references...?)

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