One of the things about the X-Files being a show of the 1990s is how time marches on. This blog started in 2015, more than 20 years after, and so there's a lot of hindsight involved in getting the original 'Shipper surveys reposted. For starters, looking back and recognizing big-name actors before they ever started winning Emmys and Oscars.
This is one of those classic episodes. This is, in fact, the episode Vince Gilligan remembered when it came time to cast someone for the iconic role of Walter White for his own television epic Breaking Bad. As I need to edit this Survey to update for modern times, I may well insert a few Bryan Cranston memes into the half-baked jokes here. Now, to wit:
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey - Drive
1) The episode begins (for the writer at least) with a commercial promoting an upcoming installment of the Donny and Marie Show. Then the scene cuts to a LIVE on-air transmission from FOX Channel 11 out in Nevada, where a high-speed chase is keeping the highway patrol on their toes. They stop the car, but when the try to arrest the driver (Bryan Cranston!) and rescue the woman passenger, the poor woman keeps banging her head against the glass until her head, well, explodes. When the opening credits take over, your primary thought is this:
A) High-speed chases with exploding people, you can deal with. But the Donny and Marie Show?!?!? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo <dies>
B) What's Walter White doing driving outside of New Mexico like this? Anyway, HE is the one who HONKS!
C) This is in Nevada? Hey, doesn't that state have a lenient marriage license policy? After all, you can get an Elvis Impersonator to preside over your wedding, right?...;-)
2) After an Intel commercial where Homer Simpson gets implanted with a chip in the back of his head, the show continues with Mulder and Scully out in Idaho, doing routine work on checking a farmer's recent purchase of fertilizer (as Mulder puts it, "So routine it numbs the mind."). As they look for the paperwork, Mulder spots the news report showing the bizarre death in Nevada. While the agents watch the replay, you realize:
A) That if Homer takes that Intel chip out of his head, he'll get cancer! D'oh!
B) That it was either checking fertilizer bags in Idaho or checking for meth labs in Albuquerque!
C) There's a good chance, because the FBI will be reining in their "dubious" travel expenses, that Dana and Fox will have to share one hotel room on this trip! Yes!
3) Scully finds Mulder near the car just as he's finishing up a phone call. She already knows that Mulder wants to detour to Nevada to investigate that death, but points out that they're being watched closely on this one and any deviation from their routine will get them in trouble. He argues that this routine of hunting down big piles of doo-doo is going nowhere, and besides, they can go to Nevada, be in and out in a day, and "nobody has to know." When he says that, you know:
A) Scully should have learned after five seasons of this sh-t that "nobody has to know" means the bosses will be chewing them out for property damage and body counts again!
B) That every Fox Channel west of the Mississippi is going to catch them on tape and play it over and over again for a new hit show, "When FBI Agents Attack!"
C) That Fox's real excuse is to get Dana close enough to Las Vegas so they can get a quicky wedding presided by an Elvis Impersonator, oh yeah!...<sigh>
4) Our intrepid heroes make it to Nevada, where the driver Crump is under lock and key for carjacking. Scully volunteers to go check the autopsy on Crump's wife, while Mulder agrees to stay and talk with poor guy, whom the audience noticed earlier is starting to nosebleed and scream in terror. When this happens, you:
A) Notice that it's Scully initiating the ditch this time, beating the Punk to the punch
B) Know they won't see each other for another 38 minutes and 40 seconds
C) Realize they're both politely ditching one another, courtesy of 'Shipperdom's favorite writer Vince Gilligan (so don't forget his new movie - for 1998 - Home Fries starring Drew Barrymore and Luke Wilson, the Sheriff Bucktooth from "Bad Blood"!)
5) Scully goes to follow up on the autopsy with the local pathologist, who notes how the poor woman died: one side of the head blown away as an exit wound, but no sign of an entry wound, like something was already inside her. Scully notices something unusual in what's left of Mrs. Crump's inner ear. As she starts poking at it, you scream:
A) "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
B) "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
C) "Uououououououououo!" <there are some type of screams that involve the letter 'I', but we'll save that for later>
6) While Scully learns too late not to pick at things like that, Mulder follows after Crump, now suffering from a seizure of some sort and getting placed in an ambulance. Scully goes into In-Charge! Mode setting up a quarantine in the morgue, getting word that another body had been found and assuming whatever killed Mrs. Crump is communicable. She calls Mulder, warning him of the quarantine and warning him to isolate Crump ASAP. She specifically warns Mulder not to see the guy. As she says that, you realize:
A) That the Blessed Skeptic should have learned by now that Mulder is always in it up to his ears by the time she tries to warn him...
B) That every warning about Bryan Cranston characters never get heeded UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE...
C) That it was sweet of Dana to call and warn Fox, but next time, hon, try it before he's taken hostage, okay?
7) Guys, you gotta be quick with the pause button: Scully flashes her phone number on the screen. You're pretty sure it's:
A) (202) SNT-DANA
B) (900) FBI-SEXY
C) (202) MAR-RYME ext. FOX
8) Well, actually, her number's (202) 555-0166, but meanwhile she's learned Mulder has been taken hostage and forced to drive Crump westward. She plans with the local law enforcement to set up a roadblock with people from CDC to quarantine the two, but Crump calls in demanding the chasing police cars pull back. The cars do pull off pursuit, but when someone dials Mulder's cell phone, Crump angrily tosses it out the window. As Mulder freaks out, you realize:
A) That it had to be Scully calling, and even the Punk knew this time he needs her to save his Speedo-wearing butt!
B) That it's not really Crump. It's Heisenberg, and everyone's got to play the game his way now!
C) That Fox really needs to hear Dana's voice from time to time, aw, isn't that romantic? <sigh>
9) When Mulder slows down the car, Crump freaks out and gets sicker. Mulder's intuitive skills kick in and he hits the accelerator, watching as Crump's condition improves. He realizes that this is what happened to Crump's wife, if you slow down you die. "I think I saw this movie," mutters Mulder, and you guess the movie he saw was:
A) Playing God...no, that's if you star in a cruddy movie, your career dies...
B) It wasn't a movie! It was an acclaimed five season Emmy-winning series on AMC!
C) Godzilla 2015! Well, it could work as a date movie for Dana and Fox!
10) Scully finds out that they've avoided the roadblock, hinting that Mulder has learned of something. She gets a call, and hey, it's from her new boss AD Kersh, who asks how it's going in Idaho, with the addendum "Think carefully." Realizing that the "nobody will know" promise from Mulder is now out the window (along with the cell phones), she admits that they had gone to Nevada because of this case they felt needed investigating. Kersh calmly promises to await the report and offers the nearest field office for support, but he makes it clear Mulder is going to get chewed up and spat out for this one. As Scully ends the phone call with one of her patented "oopsies" look, you:
A) Notice, after she makes an intuitive guess that the victims are connected by location, that it's always after getting chewed out by her bosses that Scully does her best thinking.
B) Realize Kersh must be watching the show, because he learned Scully's phone number the same time the rest of us guys did (expect that phone to ring non-stop for the rest of the episode!)
C) Know full well that Dana REALLY wants to see Fox alive more than Kersh does! <protective grumbling>
11) Meanwhile, Mulder and Crump are happily exchanging recipes for bundt cakes... Crump, who's not exactly enjoying this day, insists when Mulder calls him Crump he put "Mister" in front of it. He then snarls if Mulder's a Jewish name. Mulder growls back "That's Mister Mulder, you peanut-picking bastard." As the audience learns this is going to be one of those fun family drives, you:
A) Know that if Scully was driving, she'd growl, "That's Miss Scully, you <many and varied expletives deleted>" because as Sister Autumn points out so often, Our Little Sailor's background as a Navy brat has exposed her to the best selection of four-letter, eight-letter, and twelve-letter vulgarities on the seven seas!
B) Realize Bryan Cranston is going to put that gun to Mulder's head and growl. "Say... My... Name..."
C) Wonder if Dana's going to ask Fox about that bottle-smashing bit in Jewish weddings...better yet, if he can demonstrate it <deep sigh>
12) After an exciting commercial for Puppy Chow, the show resumes at night at the Crump residence. Bathed in a fog-filled moonlit light, Scully leads a team of Disease Control staffers into a potential hot zone. They find a dog, agitated and constantly barking as it runs back and forth on its leash. As the team tries to subdue the dog to see if there's any infestation, you:
A) Would think someone from a dog family like Scully would just let the poor thing be...
B) Know that dog ain't working himself up for some Puppy Chow! :(
C) Scream "NOOO! Not the poor puppy! Don't! No, don't...." <ick> "Oh, not the poor doggie..." :( :( :( :( :( :(
13) After the poor puppy incident, Scully and the team leader for CDC discuss what diseases can affect both dogs and humans. She spots a light in the distance and notes the Crumps might have neighbors. She enters the far trailer, using her extra-powerful Super-Flashlight (for you Brits, the Super-Torch) to examine the clutter and carnage. She spots some dead tweety-birds, proving whatever kills here doesn't discriminate, and moves toward a still human figure in a chair. As Scully gets closer and closer, you:
A) Notice the lady is watching this weird sitcom about teenage boys driving their crazy parents even crazier, including a bumbling dad who moonlights as a meth cook.
B) Thank God the FBI finally re-issued those big flashlights to our intrepid heroes...I mean, those dinky little lights couldn't generate an INCH of fog-cutting beam, and these are so much more cooler!
C) Go ahead and scream that "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" scream when the old lady jumps up.
14) Scully ponders what could kill almost everything within a mile radius yet leave a deaf woman intact. Realizing it's not a virus they're fighting but something to do with the aural tracks of the ear, Scully takes off her helmet and listens for a sound. When a beeping noise suddenly chirps up, you realize:
A) That, damn, this girl is GOOD...
B) It's a bell, someone keeps ringing a bell, this old guy sitting in a wheelchair with a bomb strapped to th... OMG DUCK (explosion).
C) It sounds like the wake-up beeper Dana and Fox have back at the hotel room they're sharing!
15) Mister Mulder and Mister Crump take a few minutes to talk. Crump rants against the government conspiracy he's certain has used him and his wife like guinea pigs. He points out it's no way to treat a man, to take away his dignity like that, that it would be better just to kill him, that's all he's saying. Mulder points out that they'll find a way out of this. Crump nods but notes they have to hurry, "There's not much West left." As they pass a Welcome sign for California, you realize:
A) That this sign is yet another dig from the producers about moving the show to L.A. You Vancouver-hating bastids...it ain't right to take the dignity of a Canadian town like that, man...
B) This is the acting bit Bryan used for his Walter White audition, wasn't it!
C) That Crump is hinting at the treatment Fox is getting from his FBI superiors, a metaphor of how men struggle against the injustice of a cruel and chaotic universe... But Fox may have this consolation to carry with him in the darkness, that the bond between him and Dana, the bond of Lo...well, the bond of Trust, will yet save him!
16) Scully goes to a nearby Navy base, home of the Seafarer communications system, to find out about that humming box in the Crumps' backyard. The Navy lieutenant who comes to speak with her assumes she's from the FCC and apologizes for the power surge that disrupted TV signals. As Scully bluffs her way into finding out more, you note:
A) That Scully's got to work on her hemming and hawing when she bluffs, otherwise the Punk is going to beat her at seven-card-stud every time they play poker
B) What is it with these military guys? First it's that private who didn't know his phone from his butt in the "Fight the Future" movie, now it's this Navy idjit who can't spell between FCC and FBI!
C) Dana and Fox are both really bad at bluffing because they keep throwing their games when they play strip poker <wicked and hopeful grin>
17) Mister Mulder wakes up Mister Crump, warning him that the California Highway Patrol is pulling up on them. You respond:
A) With a "Hey! Dad! 'CHiPS' is back on the air! Ponch and Jon, rolling on!"
B) With a "Hey! Is that a Hello Kitty phone from Saul Goodman's office?"
C) With a "Hey! Dana and Fox are finally going to talk with each other! Finally! Let's hope they say the 'Trust' word about five times!" <sigh>
18) With a replacement phone in Mulder's possession, Scully tells Mulder her theory: the power surge through the Navy's Seafarer project, used to communicate with subs, somehow created ELFs, low-level radio frequencies which have been known to cause biological changes. It's possible those frequencies altered the Crumps' bodies to create their own frequencies, causing pressure to build in the inner ear to the point that it explodes. As Mulder winces while Scully describes how she might be able to save Mister Crump, you respond to the screen:
A) "Uh, Mister Crump, when you suggested that someone was sticking it to you, you didn't really want it to be in your ear, did you?"
B) "Oh great. Throw all this on top of Walt's medical bills why don't you? HE'S JUST GONNA COOK MORE METH THAN EVER..."
C) "Wow, this must be serious...Dana and Fox didn't flirt at all during the phone conversation..."
19) They make it to the end of the West. The camera rises over the hill as the car passes, the Pacific Ocean in view. Scully has her needle ready, waiting for the car to pull up. As it does so, you realize:
A) That Mulder didn't stop the car in front of her but right at the ocean's edge, meaning Mister Crump didn't make it...and that the Punk is going to get all angsty on us again...:(
B) That they could have filmed the Pacific Ocean from Vancouver...but Nooooo, they had to actually do it in California this time! <mutter> <grumble>
C) That Fox is going to need some serious hand-holding...once he's done taking care of that business he mentioned to Dana a little earlier...
20) Mulder and Scully have returned to D.C. AD Kersh is reviewing their expenses. Mulder curtly interrupts, knowing how little a deal this really is. "Are we done here?" Mulder continues, wondering aloud if they have to go back to grunt work hunting down big piles of manure. "You can always quit," notes Kersh, nailing home the point of the episode. Mulder silently walks out. Scully tries to defend Mulder noting he's been through a lot, but Kersh points out she apologizes for him a lot. Scully believes that what they did shut down a dangerous military operation and may have saved lives. Kersh doesn't see it that way. He reminds Scully that they're not on the X-Files anymore, and the sooner she and Mulder know that, the better. As Scully turns and walks out with a "Big piles of manure" under her breath, you conclude with the thought:
A) That the Blessed One does seem to apologize for the Punk a bit too much, but hey, that's the forgiving nature of the Saint, ya?
B) That if they're not on the X-Files anymore, why call the show by that title? Why not change it to "Breaking Malcom In the Middle" or something? WHADDA YA MEAN THAT WILL BE TAKEN?
C) That Kersh didn't mention the extra cost of two hotel rooms...so did that mean they shared one for once? YES!
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who thinks Scully should have gotten on a helicopter, flown it over the speeding car, jump down in an exciting stunt sequence, smash her way in through the roof, and then slam that needle into Crump's ear, saving his life and keeping the Punk from getting all angsty at the end
B) Then you are an X-Phile who wonders if all this could have been avoided if the United States just went with a universal healthcare program that could have treated Walter's cancer... I mean Crump's earache...
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who watched this episode worried that Dana and Fox didn't take an extra minute after the talkdown by Kersh to hold hands... Ever! WILL THEY EVER HOLD HANDS, CHRIS CARTER YOU SADISTIC... (gets told about Season Seven) Okay. Fine. We'll hold out for ONE MORE YEAR...
Showing posts with label mulder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mulder. Show all posts
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Tuesday Morning X-Files Fanaticism: My Sharona, NO WAIT My Struggle Part II: The Quickening!
Some SPOILAGE if you hadn't seen last night's mini-series cliffhanger:
...
...
SPOILER SPACE
...
ARE WE IN THE CLEAR? ARE WE IN THE CLEAR?!?!
No?
Too late!
In short: all of the dull stuff from Part I gets parlayed into five different action scenes into Part II, but with an unsettling cliffhanger in which global pandemic threatens all of humanity before Dana and Fox can hold hands to satisfy us 'Shippers in any way.
This episode felt flat in that for all of the past history of the evil Syndicate - noted here in flashbacks - it's all been boiled down into just the Smoking Man triggering the biohazard Apocalypse as though he alone has survived the entire shadow war and was setting himself up as God-Emperor. In some respects, he HAD survived it all, but factions should still exist... it just felt as though this Conspiracy was done all on the cheap, and done rather quick.
And the other thing is, I thought Mulder had also been infected with alien DNA - his near-death situation involving the Black Oil Aliens - so why was he getting sick here?
One last thing, as JC De La Torre tweeted with me about this miniseries finale: yeah, this was NOT an ending this is pretty much Chris Carter's way of making Fox execs go "Okay, for a Season Eleven, you want HOW MUCH MONEY delivered to you in Brinks trucks?"
TO BE CONTINUED...
...
...
SPOILER SPACE
...
ARE WE IN THE CLEAR? ARE WE IN THE CLEAR?!?!
No?
Too late!
In short: all of the dull stuff from Part I gets parlayed into five different action scenes into Part II, but with an unsettling cliffhanger in which global pandemic threatens all of humanity before Dana and Fox can hold hands to satisfy us 'Shippers in any way.
This episode felt flat in that for all of the past history of the evil Syndicate - noted here in flashbacks - it's all been boiled down into just the Smoking Man triggering the biohazard Apocalypse as though he alone has survived the entire shadow war and was setting himself up as God-Emperor. In some respects, he HAD survived it all, but factions should still exist... it just felt as though this Conspiracy was done all on the cheap, and done rather quick.
And the other thing is, I thought Mulder had also been infected with alien DNA - his near-death situation involving the Black Oil Aliens - so why was he getting sick here?
One last thing, as JC De La Torre tweeted with me about this miniseries finale: yeah, this was NOT an ending this is pretty much Chris Carter's way of making Fox execs go "Okay, for a Season Eleven, you want HOW MUCH MONEY delivered to you in Brinks trucks?"
TO BE CONTINUED...
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Mulder And Scully Meet The Were-Monster And Forgot to Get a Selfie
Sooooo, last night there was some silliness, a lot of pandering to the fan base bringing back cameos and reminders of past episodes and a shout out or twelve to those lost and gone from us, and it being a Darin Morgan episode there was surprising human depth to what could have been a campy "Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster" episode.
My immediate takeaway from Darin's work was that - AGAIN - Darin was trying to find some pathos in the meaning of the human experience - what drives us, what we seek and can never find - in a universe that keeps spinning on regardless of whether we buy or sell enough smartphones.
On the surface of this episode, I got the impression that Darin also reads the webcomic xkcd, because "Were-Monster" had a lot to say about the prevalence of smartphone cameras and the diminishing return on believable photographic evidence of Bigfoot and UFOs, like thus:
Because our story opens on a disgruntled and despairing Mulder, back in the basement working the X-Files cases like he's wanted to but frustrated more than ever that his work is meaningless. As Scully enters with a case - and yelling at him for throwing pencils into HER "I Want to Believe" poster (because Mulder shredded his back in "My Struggle") - Mulder rants back about the lack of genuine evidence over 25 years of work on the paranormal. He flips through fake photo after fake photo of men in rubber suits either trying to sell car tires or pretending to be armadillos. He's gotten to the point where he's tired of chasing after monsters because it turns out the monsters are either alligators ("Quagmire") or wolves or bears or tigers or plain old human serial killers in a rubber mask.
Scully smiles and tries to bring up they have a new case to investigate. "It has a monster in it," she adds.
This is Mulder finally hitting his mid-life crisis: where the passion of his career as an FBI agent investigating the bizarre and unusual - and not achieving any permanent results - have finally taken its toll. When they reach the backwoods of Oregon - again - Mulder is flippant about the grisly details - dead bodies everywhere of men with their throats chewed out - and dismissive of the eyewitness testimony - by the same two stoners that pop up in other X-Files episodes - that can't agree on whether the horned lizard monster spotted at the scene has three eyes or two. The Animal Control officer working the forest that night and had been accosted by that lizard monster refuses to comment.
That the same two stoners from "War of the Coprophages" and "Quagmire" return reflects Mulder's ennui. It's been 25 years for them as well, and all they've done has been to get high on anything (nowadays inhaling paint). Even the stoner guy's musing about turning into a werewolf is meaningless: even as a lycanthrope he'll likely waste his time getting high.
The first act is essentially Mulder confronting that ennui, teamed up with Scully who genuinely tries to snap him out of it by pointing out inconsistencies and the likelihood of a real monster on the loose. Even working the spooky shadows of a truck stop where a transgender prostitute Annabelle beats off that lizard monster - uh, with her purse, guys - doesn't make Mulder any giddier. He looks a little bit like Gary Shandling did playing Mulder in the "Hollywood AD" fake movie, all dour sarcasm as he questions if the prostitute was currently high on crack. "Yes!" she says, as if it was part of her natural persona.
When the truck stop becomes another crime scene with a fresh dead guy and sightings of the lizard monster, rather than break out a gun he'd drop again during the chase Mulder breaks out his smartphone and starts taking pictures. It's that reference to the xkcd chart: Mulder would prefer documenting the proof rather than arrest it. In a shameful display of cranky-old-geezer syndrome however, Mulder doesn't know how to operate the damn thing and ends up taking bad pictures of himself and the nearby Animal Control officer when the lizard monster charges at them with blood spraying out of his eyes.
The lizard monster, not Mulder. Mulder's too busy getting bad selfies of himself.
Scully's trying to avoid Mulder's attempt to show those bad photos as well as him digging up Wikipedia articles about normal lizards that can shoot blood out of their eyes as a defense mechanism. "Mulder the Internet is not good for you," Scully sighs, but she admits with a smile that she missed this kind of craziness during their previous MOTW assignments.
There's a lot more craziness - a creepy motel of stuffed animals and a mounted jackalope head, a psychiatrist treating not only a man who claims to be a lizard but also a werewolf (he sees the werewolf on Mondays... wait this episode was on a Monday...), and far too many people on drugs - before Scully tracks down the suspected were-lizard - the aptly named Guy Mann - selling smartphones in town. Mulder races over to find the store in shambles and the suspect in flight. Using the powers of deduction known as "contrived plot elements," Mulder follows Guy to a graveyard full of X-Files producers and asks for the Truth.
What Mulder - and the audience gets - from Guy is a beautifully crafted subversion of the standard Werewolf/Cursed Man story. It turns out that Guy is really a normal, happy-go-lucky lizard monster who tragically came across a human eating another human in the forest, and in an effort to do the right thing gets bitten by the crazed serial killer... which turns him into an average, almost pitiful human. Where werewolves are cursed with the instincts to hunt, main and kill, Guy found himself cursed with the instincts to wear clothes, find a low-wage job, and worry about a mortgage he never really had before.
In Darin Morgan's classic style, Guy's tale deconstructs what it means to be a human being. There's a horrifying element to the mundane chores and meaningless BS he uses to get that job and even get promoted to manager. Even though he's been at that job for one day he's already bored out of his mind and soul-crushed by it. The only joy he gets is when he discovers that at nightfall he switches back to being a lizard... and that joy ends when daybreak comes and turns him back into a human again.
Having never really been human before, he has no friends and is driven to find a pet puppy to fill that lonely ache - in a nice touch, the dog is happy to play with Guy when he switches back to his lizard self at night - only to have his pet disappear from the motel room when he comes home from work, worsening his mood. His isolation is so bad he's willing to lie like a normal human - badly - about his sex life by trying to tell Mulder that Scully seduced him in that phone store.
"Stop." Mulder insists at this point. "That. Did NOT. Happen."
With that bold a lie, Mulder seems unable to accept Guy's tale, and remains at Kim Manners' gravesite while Guy - realizing Mulder views him as the monster rather than the victim - runs away.
As with most X-Files, it's left to Scully to put the finishing touches in the case. Having chased down Guy's lost puppy to the Animal Control shelter, Scully immediately falls in love with Daggoo, and gets attacked by the Animal Control guy who was the human monster all along. Mulder, overhearing the fight over the phone, races to the shelter fearing the worst... only to find Scully had single-handed captured the serial killer. The Animal Control guy starts going into his violent past of torturing small animals, at which points Scully tells him to shut up and pushes him towards the local cops. "But I had a speech prepared," the Animal Control guy whimpers, underscoring the banality of even serial killers in the human condition.
Realizing Guy wasn't the monster after all, Mulder races off to find him, again using the powers of the plotline to find the poor lizard Werehuman stumbling back into the forest. It's his species time to go back into hibernation, a cycle lasting 10,000 years during which Guy hopes his human illness will fade (will he become a lizard who dreamed he was a man?). As Guy strips off the human clothes, he admits it was good to have met Mulder - someone who at least listened to his sad lot in life - and shakes hands with him.
Mulder starts to say "Likewise..."
...Only to see Guy's hand has gone scaly, and Mulder looks up to see a lizard monster with two eyes staring back, maybe smiling, before he turns and runs into the forest, hopefully free at last.
And Mulder smiles as well. After an episode of complaining there were no real creatures of mystery - that all the monsters were human - he finally saw with his own two eyes.
It's a pity he didn't have his smartphone with him to take a picture.
My immediate takeaway from Darin's work was that - AGAIN - Darin was trying to find some pathos in the meaning of the human experience - what drives us, what we seek and can never find - in a universe that keeps spinning on regardless of whether we buy or sell enough smartphones.
On the surface of this episode, I got the impression that Darin also reads the webcomic xkcd, because "Were-Monster" had a lot to say about the prevalence of smartphone cameras and the diminishing return on believable photographic evidence of Bigfoot and UFOs, like thus:
 |
| When I saw this cartoon, it broke my heart. My childhood reading up on UFOs and Bigfoot and ghosts, and all I got in the end was an LG480 with Verizon service. |
Because our story opens on a disgruntled and despairing Mulder, back in the basement working the X-Files cases like he's wanted to but frustrated more than ever that his work is meaningless. As Scully enters with a case - and yelling at him for throwing pencils into HER "I Want to Believe" poster (because Mulder shredded his back in "My Struggle") - Mulder rants back about the lack of genuine evidence over 25 years of work on the paranormal. He flips through fake photo after fake photo of men in rubber suits either trying to sell car tires or pretending to be armadillos. He's gotten to the point where he's tired of chasing after monsters because it turns out the monsters are either alligators ("Quagmire") or wolves or bears or tigers or plain old human serial killers in a rubber mask.
Scully smiles and tries to bring up they have a new case to investigate. "It has a monster in it," she adds.
This is Mulder finally hitting his mid-life crisis: where the passion of his career as an FBI agent investigating the bizarre and unusual - and not achieving any permanent results - have finally taken its toll. When they reach the backwoods of Oregon - again - Mulder is flippant about the grisly details - dead bodies everywhere of men with their throats chewed out - and dismissive of the eyewitness testimony - by the same two stoners that pop up in other X-Files episodes - that can't agree on whether the horned lizard monster spotted at the scene has three eyes or two. The Animal Control officer working the forest that night and had been accosted by that lizard monster refuses to comment.
That the same two stoners from "War of the Coprophages" and "Quagmire" return reflects Mulder's ennui. It's been 25 years for them as well, and all they've done has been to get high on anything (nowadays inhaling paint). Even the stoner guy's musing about turning into a werewolf is meaningless: even as a lycanthrope he'll likely waste his time getting high.
The first act is essentially Mulder confronting that ennui, teamed up with Scully who genuinely tries to snap him out of it by pointing out inconsistencies and the likelihood of a real monster on the loose. Even working the spooky shadows of a truck stop where a transgender prostitute Annabelle beats off that lizard monster - uh, with her purse, guys - doesn't make Mulder any giddier. He looks a little bit like Gary Shandling did playing Mulder in the "Hollywood AD" fake movie, all dour sarcasm as he questions if the prostitute was currently high on crack. "Yes!" she says, as if it was part of her natural persona.
When the truck stop becomes another crime scene with a fresh dead guy and sightings of the lizard monster, rather than break out a gun he'd drop again during the chase Mulder breaks out his smartphone and starts taking pictures. It's that reference to the xkcd chart: Mulder would prefer documenting the proof rather than arrest it. In a shameful display of cranky-old-geezer syndrome however, Mulder doesn't know how to operate the damn thing and ends up taking bad pictures of himself and the nearby Animal Control officer when the lizard monster charges at them with blood spraying out of his eyes.
The lizard monster, not Mulder. Mulder's too busy getting bad selfies of himself.
Scully's trying to avoid Mulder's attempt to show those bad photos as well as him digging up Wikipedia articles about normal lizards that can shoot blood out of their eyes as a defense mechanism. "Mulder the Internet is not good for you," Scully sighs, but she admits with a smile that she missed this kind of craziness during their previous MOTW assignments.
 |
| Preach it, Scully |
There's a lot more craziness - a creepy motel of stuffed animals and a mounted jackalope head, a psychiatrist treating not only a man who claims to be a lizard but also a werewolf (he sees the werewolf on Mondays... wait this episode was on a Monday...), and far too many people on drugs - before Scully tracks down the suspected were-lizard - the aptly named Guy Mann - selling smartphones in town. Mulder races over to find the store in shambles and the suspect in flight. Using the powers of deduction known as "contrived plot elements," Mulder follows Guy to a graveyard full of X-Files producers and asks for the Truth.
What Mulder - and the audience gets - from Guy is a beautifully crafted subversion of the standard Werewolf/Cursed Man story. It turns out that Guy is really a normal, happy-go-lucky lizard monster who tragically came across a human eating another human in the forest, and in an effort to do the right thing gets bitten by the crazed serial killer... which turns him into an average, almost pitiful human. Where werewolves are cursed with the instincts to hunt, main and kill, Guy found himself cursed with the instincts to wear clothes, find a low-wage job, and worry about a mortgage he never really had before.
In Darin Morgan's classic style, Guy's tale deconstructs what it means to be a human being. There's a horrifying element to the mundane chores and meaningless BS he uses to get that job and even get promoted to manager. Even though he's been at that job for one day he's already bored out of his mind and soul-crushed by it. The only joy he gets is when he discovers that at nightfall he switches back to being a lizard... and that joy ends when daybreak comes and turns him back into a human again.
Having never really been human before, he has no friends and is driven to find a pet puppy to fill that lonely ache - in a nice touch, the dog is happy to play with Guy when he switches back to his lizard self at night - only to have his pet disappear from the motel room when he comes home from work, worsening his mood. His isolation is so bad he's willing to lie like a normal human - badly - about his sex life by trying to tell Mulder that Scully seduced him in that phone store.
 |
| Ah... Uh... Um... I'll be in my bunk. Me and twenty million other guys (and gals) |
"Stop." Mulder insists at this point. "That. Did NOT. Happen."
With that bold a lie, Mulder seems unable to accept Guy's tale, and remains at Kim Manners' gravesite while Guy - realizing Mulder views him as the monster rather than the victim - runs away.
As with most X-Files, it's left to Scully to put the finishing touches in the case. Having chased down Guy's lost puppy to the Animal Control shelter, Scully immediately falls in love with Daggoo, and gets attacked by the Animal Control guy who was the human monster all along. Mulder, overhearing the fight over the phone, races to the shelter fearing the worst... only to find Scully had single-handed captured the serial killer. The Animal Control guy starts going into his violent past of torturing small animals, at which points Scully tells him to shut up and pushes him towards the local cops. "But I had a speech prepared," the Animal Control guy whimpers, underscoring the banality of even serial killers in the human condition.
Realizing Guy wasn't the monster after all, Mulder races off to find him, again using the powers of the plotline to find the poor lizard Werehuman stumbling back into the forest. It's his species time to go back into hibernation, a cycle lasting 10,000 years during which Guy hopes his human illness will fade (will he become a lizard who dreamed he was a man?). As Guy strips off the human clothes, he admits it was good to have met Mulder - someone who at least listened to his sad lot in life - and shakes hands with him.
Mulder starts to say "Likewise..."
...Only to see Guy's hand has gone scaly, and Mulder looks up to see a lizard monster with two eyes staring back, maybe smiling, before he turns and runs into the forest, hopefully free at last.
And Mulder smiles as well. After an episode of complaining there were no real creatures of mystery - that all the monsters were human - he finally saw with his own two eyes.
It's a pity he didn't have his smartphone with him to take a picture.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
X-Files: My Struggle 'Shipper Survey
It's here.
It's back.
It's... still a confusing mytharc mess.
Sigh.
I'll try to get through this without as much damage to the original timeline as I can make it.
On the bright side: MULDER AND SCULLY ARE BACK IN TOWN
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: My Struggle
Um, to the Germans visiting my website, I know that title is going to be a bit problematic at best...
1) The episode begins with... AH HELL IT'S A REVIVAL EPISODE OF THE X-FILES WHO CARES! LET'S CELEBRATE!
A) You're gonna write a survey and dammit no more distractions! (trout slap)
B) We were promised cake.
C) DANA AND FOX ARE BACK! YAAAAAAAAY!
2) Okay, it really begins with Fox Mulder (Look kids! David Duchovny!) narrating about the past as he places folders and photos atop a desk: his troubled past of his sister's abduction by aliens, his rise within the ranks of the FBI pursuing bizarre cases hidden away in a covert department known as the X-Files, his teaming up with another agent Dana Scully (Look kids! Gillian Anderson!), their travails trying to uncover the TRUTH about the existence of extraterrestrials and the oncoming invasion, and their subsequent exile from the Bureau. As the pile of documents and pictures burst into flames, you take it all in and think:
A) Why does Mulder get to do the opening narration? Scully can narrate too, you know! Damn that Punk!
B) Is this the opening shot of about 500 different MTV videos from the mid-1980s?
C) NOOOOO! The picture of Dana and Fox shouldn't be burning! That's a bad omen before the wedding!
3) As Mulder continues to narrate about the plausibility about alien visitations, a UFO crashes in a remote desert. And then... THE THEME MUSIC and original credits roll! WOO-HOO! PARTY TIME, THE NINETIES ARE BACK BABY WE NEVER LEFT IT WOO-HOO!
A) We're not going to get through this survey with any semblance of sanity, are we?
B) Um, there may be a need for nostalgia here, but couldn't the network pay a little more to update the opening credits from 1993? (sees that they added Mitch Pileggi as Skinner) Well, okay, that's an improvement...
C) BREAK OUT THE TEA, KIDS! DANA AND FOX ARE GONNA HOLD HANDS AND FLIRT OVER AUTOPSIES AGAIN! (literally calling on the kids, it's been more than twenty years now, there has to be younguns in high school groaning about their parents' obsession with this 'Ship)
4) We're still in the desert, 1947, clear reference to Roswell. A bus with most of the windows painted black to hide location from the occupants drives down a desert road. A lone military officer, with the doctor's lapel badge, being escorted by a man in a black suit ride out to the crash site. As the doctor stares in amazement at the crash, you realize:
A) This doctor better have the common sense and divine wisdom of the Blessed Skeptic!
B) Hey! Weren't the UFOs in the original series all TRIANGLE-SHAPED?! What gives with the saucer look! We know damn well the REAL spaceships weren't disks, this is insulting, dammit Chris Carter you're making us toss all the books in the 001.92 shelf area at your head for your faux pas over here!
C) You're going into withdrawal symptoms too early. It's been years since your last 'Shipper fix and DAMMIT TONIGHT YOU NEED A HIT...
5) Flash-forward to 2016. A woman is prepping for surgery when an urgent call comes in. The camera doesn't reveal the face until we find out the call is coming in from an Assistant Director Skinner. Then Gillian Anderson turns to the camera and ZOMG IT'S SCULLY!
A) IT'S THE BLESSED ONE! KNEEL, YOU FOOLS!
B) Hey, wasn't she on Hannibal earlier this season?
C) Faint
6) Scene shifts to someone watching Barack Obama on the Jimmy Kimmel show, joking about UFOs.
A) Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on an Arrow/Flash crossover episode.
B) Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on Supergirl.
C) There's no way Barry can cameo on Agents Of SHIELD: they've already established that they're in a different universe where actor William Sadler became President. So this answer has to go "Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on Doctor Who."
Side note: I gotta wonder, was Barry ever posting on the alt.tv.x-files Usenet back in the day?! I mean, that was well back when he wasn't in elected office and all, and he's a full-on geek... he HAD to have been a fan back in the day, you think?! Everybody, check the archives for a B_OBOMA_XPhile account!
7) We discover that Mulder is watching the show, and when he gets the call he sees it's Scully and he gripes to her right off the bat about how his entire life's work has been turned into a punchline. You reply:
A) "Dammit, you Punk, it's always the Me Me Me whining out of you!"
B) "That's the problem with the 21st Century. Everyone's forgotten the phone etiquette of the 90s!"
C) "Dammit, Fox, instead of a phone conversation you could meet with Dana face-to-face. AND THEN KISS HER!"
8) Scully tells Mulder that Skinner is looking for him. Mulder: "Why doesn't he just call me?" Scully: "He doesn't have your phone number, dummy!" You:
A) "Well, that's what Scully should have said!"
B) "Skinner's with the freaking FBI! THEY'VE GOT EVERYBODY'S PHONE NUMBER!" (Survey writer is informed by his DIA contacts that it's actually the NSA, not the FBI or the CIA. WTF with this POS, IDK)
C) "Damn Slashers, it's not what you think!"
9) Scully tells Mulder that a high-profile conspiracy guy on the media, a Tad O'Malley, is seeking Mulder down with shocking news about aliens and what-what. Mulder skeptically watches O'Malley's video stream and wonders why Scully would be interested in getting dragged back into the mess. Scully just relays that she's the messenger. Mulder tells her to go ahead and have Skinner set up the meet. Then he says "But don't think I won't go it alone." To you that means:
A) The Punk is dragging the sainted one back into HIS mess anyway! What a Punk! Trout slap him now!
B) He's gonna Assemble the Avengers! ...what?
C) They're gonna get married, and THEN go to the meet as a couple! ...well, it COULD mean that!
10) Look, everybody! It's a CGI background of the Capitol Dome! That can only mean one thing!
A) They're filming in Vancouver again!
B) They're filming in Los Angeles again!
C) Dana and Fox are gonna see each other again!
11) Mulder and Scully meet, exchange words. They talk like an amicable ex-couple, with Scully worrying about Mulder not getting out of that sad farmhouse from the second movie and Mulder being flippant and distant. Scully: "I'm always happy to see you." Mulder: "And I'm always happy to find a reason." You:
A) "Okay, Scully, now break out that trout and slap him with it! He talked you into that horrible second movie and he can't hide from it anymore!"
B) "What second movie? There never was a second movie. You can't convince me there was a lame horror attempt at a film about two-headed Russian gangsters, never, not in a million years!"
C) "NOOOOO Why are they talking like they haven't seen each other in years? NOooooooo, The RIFT! Damn NoRomos..."
12) A limo pulls up, and Tad O'Malley (look kids! It's that guy from Community! No, not the cool geeky one with the meta-awareness skills!) greets the former FBI agents and requests that they share a ride and discuss matters. O'Malley goes all paranoid, believing that drones are deployed to record conversations and that the limo is safer. You consider it and suggest:
A) That they use the DC Metro instead, with it being underground and hard for shadows to keep up with you. Unless they're not filming in DC, in which case they can use the LA subway instead.
B) That they deploy white noise filters and find a spot in the nearby Mall with high tree cover. Unless they're not filming in DC, in which case they can use the Vancouver mountainside.
C) That Dana and Fox go and find a nearby Comfort Inn in DC and deploy the magic fingers bed! Sigh.
13) O'Malley's limo is well-stocked with expensive wine and bulletproof windows. He tries to sweet-talk the former agents but Mulder's having none of it, dismissing O'Malley's talk of believing in alien conspiracies only as a gimmick to get audiences rather than the truth. O'Malley questions Mulder about the X-Files but Mulder notes that's no longer a thing, "that book is closed." Scully notes it "for better or worse, we've moved on." Mulder wistfully adds, "Yes we have. For better or worse." You realize this means:
A) "OH NO, Scully lost her desk from Season Eight!"
B) "OH NO, The prop guys at the studio lost the filing cabinets!"
C) "OH NO THEY DIVORCED DANA AND FOX BROKE UP NOOOOOO" (cry) (curl up in fetal position)
14) Mulder tries to test O'Malley's knowledge of UFO lore by tossing out an obscure abduction incident. It's a pretty low-key one as well, which O'Malley answers much like reading the text straight from a book. Mulder at least seems impressed he's done the homework. For yourself:
A) You know there's a better test to use: the Trout Slap Endurance. If he can withstand fifty trout slaps, he's solid, he's cool...
B) You know an even better test: The Voight-Kampff test! So, you see this tortoise in the desert...
C) You know an even better test: The OKCupid tests! Including the one where Fox can find out if Dana is his one-in-five-billion. Sigh...
15) O'Malley takes Mulder and Scully to a remote house, where a young woman with a noticeable accent (but hard to place, Russian, Ukrainian, Klingon?) greets them and notes at the door that Mulder has seen her before, which he doesn't recall. Sveta proceeds to talk about her abduction experiences, including the harvesting of her babies, genetic manipulation to make her psychic which she tries to demonstrate by 'reading' Mulder with some success, and displays signs of physical mutilation in the form of carved-out chunks of her flesh. But unlike previous abduction stories, Sveta isn't blaming aliens: she's blaming the secret cabal of human military agents we know as the Syndicate as the real culprits all along. You try listening to half of this and realize:
A) Man, Chris Carter really painted himself into a corner years ago, didn't he?
B) They already covered most of this from the Season Four finale Gethsemane!
C) Noooooo, they brought up poor baby William, noooooooooooooo no wonder Dana and Fox drifted apart...
16) Sveta is willing to undergo a medical exam by Scully, during which Sveta tries to convince the skeptical agent that her experimentation has given her some telekinetic abilities as well as telepathic. When asked, Sveta admits "not right now" and gets rather defensive. "How would you know what it's like, to be abducted and experimented on by aliens?" Sveta whines. Scully just smiles and leans towards her. And stares. AND JUST STARES AT HER. And Sveta gets this Oh Crap look on her face when she realizes Scully does know what it's like. You know:
A) Sveta's a goner! KICK HER ASS, SWAT!SCULLY
B) Sveta's a con artist... Her "mind-reading" ability is mostly picking up visual cues and knowing the back-histories of her marks. Except she never got the homework on Scully, did she...
C) OH NO YOU DIDN'T, GIRL. Nobody questions Dana's maternal leanings!
17) While Scully is busy, O'Malley takes Mulder to a remote warehouse/airfield where scientists are working on their own alien tech. Utilizing such catch-phrases as "zero-point energy" and rare elements like Ununpentium (115), these scientists have reverse-engineered all nine seasons of the X-Files to reveal that the alien tech Mulder's been seeking all these years has been man-made all along. As they successfully make the triangular airplane-shaped craft hover above Mulder's head and make it turn invisibile, you point out:
A) "Wait! Ununpentium is highly radioactive, and NOBODY'S wearing hazmat suits near this thing?!"
B) "Wait! Isn't it a common plot point that every time Mulder gets to see something like this, the bad guys show up twenty minutes later and blow it all up? You scientists aren't that smart!"
C) "Wait! Fox needs to go give Dana a hug and talk about what happened to their son! Sniff..."
18) While another flashback to the crashed UFO shows the doctor then recovering the bullet-riddled corpse of an alien distracts our attention, O'Malley goes to butter up Scully while she works at the hospital while Sveta goes to Mulder to talk to him more about what she knows about the men behind her abductions. While Scully remains cryptic towards O'Malley's attempts to get her to trust him, Mulder buys into Sveta's story and starts ranting to Scully over the phone about Sveta being "the key" to everything. You recall:
A) That the Punk keeps thinking someone else is THE KEY to unraveling the Truth every other episode back in the day! /headdesk
B) That these back-and-forth phone conversations were a lot more fun when they used flip-phones!
C) The RIFT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
19) The scene shifts to an empty office. It's somewhere in the basement of the Hoover Building. Mulder enters to find a ladder, a bunch of pencils sticking in the ceiling where he put them for seven seasons (remember, Eight and Nine he was AWOL), and his I WANT TO BELIEVE poster left strewn on the floor. Skinner (look kids! Mitch Pileggi!) now older and with a grandfatherly beard tries to remind Mulder that the files were all stolen back when Doggett and Reyes were assigned to the department (and before they disappeared not only from the bureau but from the show's narrative). Mulder thought the files were still there, and gets upset that he'd been lied to and manipulated from the very beginning. He kicks at his own poster, tearing it. You take this all in and consider the most implausible part of this entire scene:
A) That the FBI allowed those pencils to stay up there for 14 years! I mean, c'mon! EVERY office worker will tell you, they need every pencil they can get! And there's a ladder right there! Sheesh...
B) That the janitors would leave their cleaning cart there where any agent can steal it! I mean, c'mon, same reason as leaving those pencils around.
C) That Dana's not there to complain about losing her nameplate! Okay, normally this would be an A) answer, but I needed to put the pencils gag up top where it would work better with B), and... and...
D) Mulder just giving his number to Skinner now. C'mon! I don't care about the NSA being the numbers-keepers, but as an Assistant Director to the FBI even Skinner should have a way to get information on ANYBODY... Also, it has nothing to do with you Damn Slashers! (Note: for those who don't get the joke, there's an occasional D) option whenever Skinner or another major character does something of interest)
20) O'Malley's back on his TV show ranting about gun rights, but tries to take a minute to talk about Scully's work helping kids as a likely ploy to get her to trust him more. Meanwhile, Scully is looking at medical results she'd gotten back on Sveta, and asks her co-worker to have them re-tested for something she noticed (or didn't) in the results. You know this means:
A) Scully has proof Sveta's a fake! TROUT SLAP HER
B) Scully has concerns her own blood that she's testing is showing the same signs as Sveta's! UH OH
C) Dana's gonna need a HUG
21) Mulder does his patented "Meet a Secret Source Out in the Open for Some Godforsaken Reason" moment, this time with a BRAND NEW SPECIAL GUEST INFORMANT we'll call Grumpy Old Man. Once again Mulder throws out his guesswork about the latest clues he's getting: everything pointing to the whole ALIENS plot as a smokescreen for Secret Government Takeover. Grumpy Old Man mocks the earlier mytharc stuff about warring factions setting each other on fire, and that Mulder still hasn't fit all the puzzles together for him to give him the full truth. Which is more infuriating to you?
A) That Scully never gets these cryptic informants! Why can't she meet with crazy old people in alleyways and rooftops and dark places in Vancouver?! (insert Troutslap aimed at Chris Carter)
B) That every time a so-called informant steps up to provide information, THEY REALLY DON'T. They just stand there and say "You're close" or "You can't comprehend it yet" or "If I reveal too much, people will stop watching this show." IT GOT OLD DURING THE ORIGINAL SERIES AND IT'S BORING NOW. (insert Headdesk)
C) THAT DANA AND FOX HAVEN'T SHARED TEA YET THIS EPISODE. (insert 'Shipper Rage)
22) Scully drives out to the Mulder farm to talk with him about everything O'Malley's been handing to them. Mulder meets her and they do talk, but it quickly devolves into another argument over Mulder's obsessions getting the better of him (AGAIN). You know this means:
A) Scully needs to bring more Trout!
B) Neither of them are really listening to each other: Mulder's not taking the time to calm down to listen to Scully's reason, and Scully's unable to look at Mulder's belief structure as a virtue that needs better direction. There. I just provided sound couple counseling, that'll be $150 and we'll schedule the next session for a week from now, okay?
C) NOOOOOOOOOO THE RIFT NOOOOOOOOOOOO damn you NoRomos!
23) O'Malley shows up for Mulder to provide his latest theory, and Scully is forced to sit in. As Sveta joins the group to listen, Mulder expounds on what he thinks is the Truth: Since the end of the Second World War, aliens began visiting Earth out of concern regarding the development of atomic weapons, and that secret power brokers within our government began a program of capturing and exploiting alien tech for their own plans of global conquest. O'Malley adds in how the political elements - fomenting race riots, man-made climate change, terror attacks, foreign wars - would justify setting up a police state for an all-out takeover of America (and then the world). Even FEMA gets name-dropped (AGAIN).
Scully for her part listens to their conspiracy theory and then shoots it down as "fear-mongering claptrap" with little evidence to back it up, and that it borders on treason. O'Malley claims he'll say all that on his upcoming show. Mulder tells Scully "it's what people need to know." And Sveta adds "Even if it's the truth."
Scully then looks at her and notes that Sveta's tests for alien DNA came back negative. She is NOT the key Mulder thinks she is. With that bombshell dropped, Scully walks out of the room with Mulder left silent. Your response is:
A) "YES, that is Scully bringing everyone back to the real world!"
B) "Here's the thing: if these men in government and business were already so powerful as to control our media, our military, our police, our resources, and our very lives pretty much, WHY F-CKING STAGE A TAKEOVER for something THEY already control?!?!"
C) This is now the lowest point a 'Shipper could ever be at. Dana and Fox, nowhere near giving each other a comforting hug... the RIFT THE RIFT NOOOOOooooo...
24) Everything falls apart in quick succession. Sveta accuses to the national media that O'Malley paid her to tell stories about alien abductions. Military humvees slam into the airport warehouse where the scientists' UFO is stored, where the quickly plant explosives and have the craft and the scientists explode, destroying all trace. Also, secretive men in black show up and steal your DVD collection of Fringe while you were out pre-ordering the next Black Panther comic book series written by Ta-Nehisi Coates. By the time Scully finishes her work in surgery, she finds O'Malley's site is down and he's likely disappeared/removed from the picture, even as she gets her own test results back in. You take this all in and determine:
A) Damn, when Scully shoots down an outlandish theory, it gets shot down...!
B) The next group of scientists trying to replicate alien tech should NEVER let Mulder see what they're working on! You know, not until they land it on the White House lawn for all the world to see. He's just BAD LUCK, people!
C) This better lead to make-up hugs!
25) Scully finds Mulder moping about at the hospital parking garage. He's upset that all his work has gone for naught, again. Scully worries about Sveta. Mulder wonders why, since her tests came back negative. Scully admits she had the tests run again, only the second time synced to Scully's own tests... which she knows has been tampered with due to her own abduction experience. On the second try, Sveta did show evidence of alien DNA... as well as Scully herself. You reply:
A) "Dammit, Scully, you could have asked Mulder to keep his mouth shut for another 24 hours or something until the second results came back!"
B) "Isn't just like this show to first debunk the narrative only to reclaim it before the end credits roll? MAKE UP YOUR MIND, CARTER..."
C) "Oh noes! Quick, Fox, HUG HER!"
Bonus Question) It's a dark deserted highway. Sveta is speeding away in a fancy-looking new car, only to have the car stall in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly there's a bright light overhead, and Sveta cries in terror as a triangle-shaped UFO (FINALLY) shows up overhead. She struggles to open the door to get out, but just as she does, the car explodes... leaving little evidence other than a fiery hulk. You realize:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) NEVER DRIVE AWAY from an alien plot during a Mytharc episode at night on a deserted road! ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS drive in broad daylight on a truck-filled interstate with plenty of witnesses!
Bonus Bonus Question) It's a fireplace with the mantle reading the quote Carpe Diem. A man with noticeable burn scars on his hand and face is talking on a phone. The camera rolls around the other side of his face to reveal it's Cigarette Smoking Man (look kids, William B. Davis!), having survived his supposedly lethal illness and supposed incineration by helicopter attack. As he hangs up the phone to tell his colleague "They've re-opened the X-Files," his unseen companion places a cigarette in CSM's trachea hole (EEEEWWWWW) to let him smoke. As the Big Bad of the Mytharc smiles, we close the episode with this thought:
A) This is probably one of the best ways to scare kids off of smoking, like forever...
B) Considering the show Continuum just finished, it's a good thing this miniseries came back 'cause Davis needs the work...
C) The X-Files re-opened?! YES! More chances for Dana and Fox to flirt over dead bodies again!
If you more often than not answered:
A) You are a new recruit to the Order of the Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic, so welcome to the hazing ritual of getting a proper Trout Slap before your honorary Scullyrita!
B) You are a long-time fan of the X-Files glad that the show came back, but upset that Carter still doesn't understand a damn thing he's doing with the Mytharc!
C) You're a 'Shipper who misses the tea sharing, the hand holds, the long drawn out discussions about human spontaneous combustion, and those precious moments when Dana and Fox admit they only TRUST each other! And after this episode, we're still missing all of that! AAAUUUGGGH, the withdrawal symptoms. Damn NoRomos, taking over the writers' room like that...
What do you think, sirs? Damn, this took me three dedicated evenings to write this up, and I know I missed a few details...
It's back.
It's... still a confusing mytharc mess.
Sigh.
I'll try to get through this without as much damage to the original timeline as I can make it.
On the bright side: MULDER AND SCULLY ARE BACK IN TOWN
 |
| From the Movie Pilot site |
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: My Struggle
Um, to the Germans visiting my website, I know that title is going to be a bit problematic at best...
1) The episode begins with... AH HELL IT'S A REVIVAL EPISODE OF THE X-FILES WHO CARES! LET'S CELEBRATE!
A) You're gonna write a survey and dammit no more distractions! (trout slap)
B) We were promised cake.
C) DANA AND FOX ARE BACK! YAAAAAAAAY!
2) Okay, it really begins with Fox Mulder (Look kids! David Duchovny!) narrating about the past as he places folders and photos atop a desk: his troubled past of his sister's abduction by aliens, his rise within the ranks of the FBI pursuing bizarre cases hidden away in a covert department known as the X-Files, his teaming up with another agent Dana Scully (Look kids! Gillian Anderson!), their travails trying to uncover the TRUTH about the existence of extraterrestrials and the oncoming invasion, and their subsequent exile from the Bureau. As the pile of documents and pictures burst into flames, you take it all in and think:
A) Why does Mulder get to do the opening narration? Scully can narrate too, you know! Damn that Punk!
B) Is this the opening shot of about 500 different MTV videos from the mid-1980s?
C) NOOOOO! The picture of Dana and Fox shouldn't be burning! That's a bad omen before the wedding!
3) As Mulder continues to narrate about the plausibility about alien visitations, a UFO crashes in a remote desert. And then... THE THEME MUSIC and original credits roll! WOO-HOO! PARTY TIME, THE NINETIES ARE BACK BABY WE NEVER LEFT IT WOO-HOO!
A) We're not going to get through this survey with any semblance of sanity, are we?
B) Um, there may be a need for nostalgia here, but couldn't the network pay a little more to update the opening credits from 1993? (sees that they added Mitch Pileggi as Skinner) Well, okay, that's an improvement...
C) BREAK OUT THE TEA, KIDS! DANA AND FOX ARE GONNA HOLD HANDS AND FLIRT OVER AUTOPSIES AGAIN! (literally calling on the kids, it's been more than twenty years now, there has to be younguns in high school groaning about their parents' obsession with this 'Ship)
4) We're still in the desert, 1947, clear reference to Roswell. A bus with most of the windows painted black to hide location from the occupants drives down a desert road. A lone military officer, with the doctor's lapel badge, being escorted by a man in a black suit ride out to the crash site. As the doctor stares in amazement at the crash, you realize:
A) This doctor better have the common sense and divine wisdom of the Blessed Skeptic!
B) Hey! Weren't the UFOs in the original series all TRIANGLE-SHAPED?! What gives with the saucer look! We know damn well the REAL spaceships weren't disks, this is insulting, dammit Chris Carter you're making us toss all the books in the 001.92 shelf area at your head for your faux pas over here!
C) You're going into withdrawal symptoms too early. It's been years since your last 'Shipper fix and DAMMIT TONIGHT YOU NEED A HIT...
5) Flash-forward to 2016. A woman is prepping for surgery when an urgent call comes in. The camera doesn't reveal the face until we find out the call is coming in from an Assistant Director Skinner. Then Gillian Anderson turns to the camera and ZOMG IT'S SCULLY!
A) IT'S THE BLESSED ONE! KNEEL, YOU FOOLS!
B) Hey, wasn't she on Hannibal earlier this season?
C) Faint
6) Scene shifts to someone watching Barack Obama on the Jimmy Kimmel show, joking about UFOs.
A) Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on an Arrow/Flash crossover episode.
B) Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on Supergirl.
C) There's no way Barry can cameo on Agents Of SHIELD: they've already established that they're in a different universe where actor William Sadler became President. So this answer has to go "Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on Doctor Who."
Side note: I gotta wonder, was Barry ever posting on the alt.tv.x-files Usenet back in the day?! I mean, that was well back when he wasn't in elected office and all, and he's a full-on geek... he HAD to have been a fan back in the day, you think?! Everybody, check the archives for a B_OBOMA_XPhile account!
7) We discover that Mulder is watching the show, and when he gets the call he sees it's Scully and he gripes to her right off the bat about how his entire life's work has been turned into a punchline. You reply:
A) "Dammit, you Punk, it's always the Me Me Me whining out of you!"
B) "That's the problem with the 21st Century. Everyone's forgotten the phone etiquette of the 90s!"
C) "Dammit, Fox, instead of a phone conversation you could meet with Dana face-to-face. AND THEN KISS HER!"
8) Scully tells Mulder that Skinner is looking for him. Mulder: "Why doesn't he just call me?" Scully: "He doesn't have your phone number, dummy!" You:
A) "Well, that's what Scully should have said!"
B) "Skinner's with the freaking FBI! THEY'VE GOT EVERYBODY'S PHONE NUMBER!" (Survey writer is informed by his DIA contacts that it's actually the NSA, not the FBI or the CIA. WTF with this POS, IDK)
C) "Damn Slashers, it's not what you think!"
9) Scully tells Mulder that a high-profile conspiracy guy on the media, a Tad O'Malley, is seeking Mulder down with shocking news about aliens and what-what. Mulder skeptically watches O'Malley's video stream and wonders why Scully would be interested in getting dragged back into the mess. Scully just relays that she's the messenger. Mulder tells her to go ahead and have Skinner set up the meet. Then he says "But don't think I won't go it alone." To you that means:
A) The Punk is dragging the sainted one back into HIS mess anyway! What a Punk! Trout slap him now!
B) He's gonna Assemble the Avengers! ...what?
C) They're gonna get married, and THEN go to the meet as a couple! ...well, it COULD mean that!
10) Look, everybody! It's a CGI background of the Capitol Dome! That can only mean one thing!
A) They're filming in Vancouver again!
B) They're filming in Los Angeles again!
C) Dana and Fox are gonna see each other again!
11) Mulder and Scully meet, exchange words. They talk like an amicable ex-couple, with Scully worrying about Mulder not getting out of that sad farmhouse from the second movie and Mulder being flippant and distant. Scully: "I'm always happy to see you." Mulder: "And I'm always happy to find a reason." You:
A) "Okay, Scully, now break out that trout and slap him with it! He talked you into that horrible second movie and he can't hide from it anymore!"
B) "What second movie? There never was a second movie. You can't convince me there was a lame horror attempt at a film about two-headed Russian gangsters, never, not in a million years!"
C) "NOOOOO Why are they talking like they haven't seen each other in years? NOooooooo, The RIFT! Damn NoRomos..."
12) A limo pulls up, and Tad O'Malley (look kids! It's that guy from Community! No, not the cool geeky one with the meta-awareness skills!) greets the former FBI agents and requests that they share a ride and discuss matters. O'Malley goes all paranoid, believing that drones are deployed to record conversations and that the limo is safer. You consider it and suggest:
A) That they use the DC Metro instead, with it being underground and hard for shadows to keep up with you. Unless they're not filming in DC, in which case they can use the LA subway instead.
B) That they deploy white noise filters and find a spot in the nearby Mall with high tree cover. Unless they're not filming in DC, in which case they can use the Vancouver mountainside.
C) That Dana and Fox go and find a nearby Comfort Inn in DC and deploy the magic fingers bed! Sigh.
13) O'Malley's limo is well-stocked with expensive wine and bulletproof windows. He tries to sweet-talk the former agents but Mulder's having none of it, dismissing O'Malley's talk of believing in alien conspiracies only as a gimmick to get audiences rather than the truth. O'Malley questions Mulder about the X-Files but Mulder notes that's no longer a thing, "that book is closed." Scully notes it "for better or worse, we've moved on." Mulder wistfully adds, "Yes we have. For better or worse." You realize this means:
A) "OH NO, Scully lost her desk from Season Eight!"
B) "OH NO, The prop guys at the studio lost the filing cabinets!"
C) "OH NO THEY DIVORCED DANA AND FOX BROKE UP NOOOOOO" (cry) (curl up in fetal position)
14) Mulder tries to test O'Malley's knowledge of UFO lore by tossing out an obscure abduction incident. It's a pretty low-key one as well, which O'Malley answers much like reading the text straight from a book. Mulder at least seems impressed he's done the homework. For yourself:
A) You know there's a better test to use: the Trout Slap Endurance. If he can withstand fifty trout slaps, he's solid, he's cool...
B) You know an even better test: The Voight-Kampff test! So, you see this tortoise in the desert...
C) You know an even better test: The OKCupid tests! Including the one where Fox can find out if Dana is his one-in-five-billion. Sigh...
15) O'Malley takes Mulder and Scully to a remote house, where a young woman with a noticeable accent (but hard to place, Russian, Ukrainian, Klingon?) greets them and notes at the door that Mulder has seen her before, which he doesn't recall. Sveta proceeds to talk about her abduction experiences, including the harvesting of her babies, genetic manipulation to make her psychic which she tries to demonstrate by 'reading' Mulder with some success, and displays signs of physical mutilation in the form of carved-out chunks of her flesh. But unlike previous abduction stories, Sveta isn't blaming aliens: she's blaming the secret cabal of human military agents we know as the Syndicate as the real culprits all along. You try listening to half of this and realize:
A) Man, Chris Carter really painted himself into a corner years ago, didn't he?
B) They already covered most of this from the Season Four finale Gethsemane!
C) Noooooo, they brought up poor baby William, noooooooooooooo no wonder Dana and Fox drifted apart...
16) Sveta is willing to undergo a medical exam by Scully, during which Sveta tries to convince the skeptical agent that her experimentation has given her some telekinetic abilities as well as telepathic. When asked, Sveta admits "not right now" and gets rather defensive. "How would you know what it's like, to be abducted and experimented on by aliens?" Sveta whines. Scully just smiles and leans towards her. And stares. AND JUST STARES AT HER. And Sveta gets this Oh Crap look on her face when she realizes Scully does know what it's like. You know:
A) Sveta's a goner! KICK HER ASS, SWAT!SCULLY
B) Sveta's a con artist... Her "mind-reading" ability is mostly picking up visual cues and knowing the back-histories of her marks. Except she never got the homework on Scully, did she...
C) OH NO YOU DIDN'T, GIRL. Nobody questions Dana's maternal leanings!
17) While Scully is busy, O'Malley takes Mulder to a remote warehouse/airfield where scientists are working on their own alien tech. Utilizing such catch-phrases as "zero-point energy" and rare elements like Ununpentium (115), these scientists have reverse-engineered all nine seasons of the X-Files to reveal that the alien tech Mulder's been seeking all these years has been man-made all along. As they successfully make the triangular airplane-shaped craft hover above Mulder's head and make it turn invisibile, you point out:
A) "Wait! Ununpentium is highly radioactive, and NOBODY'S wearing hazmat suits near this thing?!"
B) "Wait! Isn't it a common plot point that every time Mulder gets to see something like this, the bad guys show up twenty minutes later and blow it all up? You scientists aren't that smart!"
C) "Wait! Fox needs to go give Dana a hug and talk about what happened to their son! Sniff..."
18) While another flashback to the crashed UFO shows the doctor then recovering the bullet-riddled corpse of an alien distracts our attention, O'Malley goes to butter up Scully while she works at the hospital while Sveta goes to Mulder to talk to him more about what she knows about the men behind her abductions. While Scully remains cryptic towards O'Malley's attempts to get her to trust him, Mulder buys into Sveta's story and starts ranting to Scully over the phone about Sveta being "the key" to everything. You recall:
A) That the Punk keeps thinking someone else is THE KEY to unraveling the Truth every other episode back in the day! /headdesk
B) That these back-and-forth phone conversations were a lot more fun when they used flip-phones!
C) The RIFT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
19) The scene shifts to an empty office. It's somewhere in the basement of the Hoover Building. Mulder enters to find a ladder, a bunch of pencils sticking in the ceiling where he put them for seven seasons (remember, Eight and Nine he was AWOL), and his I WANT TO BELIEVE poster left strewn on the floor. Skinner (look kids! Mitch Pileggi!) now older and with a grandfatherly beard tries to remind Mulder that the files were all stolen back when Doggett and Reyes were assigned to the department (and before they disappeared not only from the bureau but from the show's narrative). Mulder thought the files were still there, and gets upset that he'd been lied to and manipulated from the very beginning. He kicks at his own poster, tearing it. You take this all in and consider the most implausible part of this entire scene:
A) That the FBI allowed those pencils to stay up there for 14 years! I mean, c'mon! EVERY office worker will tell you, they need every pencil they can get! And there's a ladder right there! Sheesh...
B) That the janitors would leave their cleaning cart there where any agent can steal it! I mean, c'mon, same reason as leaving those pencils around.
C) That Dana's not there to complain about losing her nameplate! Okay, normally this would be an A) answer, but I needed to put the pencils gag up top where it would work better with B), and... and...
D) Mulder just giving his number to Skinner now. C'mon! I don't care about the NSA being the numbers-keepers, but as an Assistant Director to the FBI even Skinner should have a way to get information on ANYBODY... Also, it has nothing to do with you Damn Slashers! (Note: for those who don't get the joke, there's an occasional D) option whenever Skinner or another major character does something of interest)
20) O'Malley's back on his TV show ranting about gun rights, but tries to take a minute to talk about Scully's work helping kids as a likely ploy to get her to trust him more. Meanwhile, Scully is looking at medical results she'd gotten back on Sveta, and asks her co-worker to have them re-tested for something she noticed (or didn't) in the results. You know this means:
A) Scully has proof Sveta's a fake! TROUT SLAP HER
B) Scully has concerns her own blood that she's testing is showing the same signs as Sveta's! UH OH
C) Dana's gonna need a HUG
21) Mulder does his patented "Meet a Secret Source Out in the Open for Some Godforsaken Reason" moment, this time with a BRAND NEW SPECIAL GUEST INFORMANT we'll call Grumpy Old Man. Once again Mulder throws out his guesswork about the latest clues he's getting: everything pointing to the whole ALIENS plot as a smokescreen for Secret Government Takeover. Grumpy Old Man mocks the earlier mytharc stuff about warring factions setting each other on fire, and that Mulder still hasn't fit all the puzzles together for him to give him the full truth. Which is more infuriating to you?
A) That Scully never gets these cryptic informants! Why can't she meet with crazy old people in alleyways and rooftops and dark places in Vancouver?! (insert Troutslap aimed at Chris Carter)
B) That every time a so-called informant steps up to provide information, THEY REALLY DON'T. They just stand there and say "You're close" or "You can't comprehend it yet" or "If I reveal too much, people will stop watching this show." IT GOT OLD DURING THE ORIGINAL SERIES AND IT'S BORING NOW. (insert Headdesk)
C) THAT DANA AND FOX HAVEN'T SHARED TEA YET THIS EPISODE. (insert 'Shipper Rage)
22) Scully drives out to the Mulder farm to talk with him about everything O'Malley's been handing to them. Mulder meets her and they do talk, but it quickly devolves into another argument over Mulder's obsessions getting the better of him (AGAIN). You know this means:
A) Scully needs to bring more Trout!
B) Neither of them are really listening to each other: Mulder's not taking the time to calm down to listen to Scully's reason, and Scully's unable to look at Mulder's belief structure as a virtue that needs better direction. There. I just provided sound couple counseling, that'll be $150 and we'll schedule the next session for a week from now, okay?
C) NOOOOOOOOOO THE RIFT NOOOOOOOOOOOO damn you NoRomos!
23) O'Malley shows up for Mulder to provide his latest theory, and Scully is forced to sit in. As Sveta joins the group to listen, Mulder expounds on what he thinks is the Truth: Since the end of the Second World War, aliens began visiting Earth out of concern regarding the development of atomic weapons, and that secret power brokers within our government began a program of capturing and exploiting alien tech for their own plans of global conquest. O'Malley adds in how the political elements - fomenting race riots, man-made climate change, terror attacks, foreign wars - would justify setting up a police state for an all-out takeover of America (and then the world). Even FEMA gets name-dropped (AGAIN).
Scully for her part listens to their conspiracy theory and then shoots it down as "fear-mongering claptrap" with little evidence to back it up, and that it borders on treason. O'Malley claims he'll say all that on his upcoming show. Mulder tells Scully "it's what people need to know." And Sveta adds "Even if it's the truth."
Scully then looks at her and notes that Sveta's tests for alien DNA came back negative. She is NOT the key Mulder thinks she is. With that bombshell dropped, Scully walks out of the room with Mulder left silent. Your response is:
A) "YES, that is Scully bringing everyone back to the real world!"
B) "Here's the thing: if these men in government and business were already so powerful as to control our media, our military, our police, our resources, and our very lives pretty much, WHY F-CKING STAGE A TAKEOVER for something THEY already control?!?!"
C) This is now the lowest point a 'Shipper could ever be at. Dana and Fox, nowhere near giving each other a comforting hug... the RIFT THE RIFT NOOOOOooooo...
24) Everything falls apart in quick succession. Sveta accuses to the national media that O'Malley paid her to tell stories about alien abductions. Military humvees slam into the airport warehouse where the scientists' UFO is stored, where the quickly plant explosives and have the craft and the scientists explode, destroying all trace. Also, secretive men in black show up and steal your DVD collection of Fringe while you were out pre-ordering the next Black Panther comic book series written by Ta-Nehisi Coates. By the time Scully finishes her work in surgery, she finds O'Malley's site is down and he's likely disappeared/removed from the picture, even as she gets her own test results back in. You take this all in and determine:
A) Damn, when Scully shoots down an outlandish theory, it gets shot down...!
B) The next group of scientists trying to replicate alien tech should NEVER let Mulder see what they're working on! You know, not until they land it on the White House lawn for all the world to see. He's just BAD LUCK, people!
C) This better lead to make-up hugs!
25) Scully finds Mulder moping about at the hospital parking garage. He's upset that all his work has gone for naught, again. Scully worries about Sveta. Mulder wonders why, since her tests came back negative. Scully admits she had the tests run again, only the second time synced to Scully's own tests... which she knows has been tampered with due to her own abduction experience. On the second try, Sveta did show evidence of alien DNA... as well as Scully herself. You reply:
A) "Dammit, Scully, you could have asked Mulder to keep his mouth shut for another 24 hours or something until the second results came back!"
B) "Isn't just like this show to first debunk the narrative only to reclaim it before the end credits roll? MAKE UP YOUR MIND, CARTER..."
C) "Oh noes! Quick, Fox, HUG HER!"
Bonus Question) It's a dark deserted highway. Sveta is speeding away in a fancy-looking new car, only to have the car stall in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly there's a bright light overhead, and Sveta cries in terror as a triangle-shaped UFO (FINALLY) shows up overhead. She struggles to open the door to get out, but just as she does, the car explodes... leaving little evidence other than a fiery hulk. You realize:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) NEVER DRIVE AWAY from an alien plot during a Mytharc episode at night on a deserted road! ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS drive in broad daylight on a truck-filled interstate with plenty of witnesses!
Bonus Bonus Question) It's a fireplace with the mantle reading the quote Carpe Diem. A man with noticeable burn scars on his hand and face is talking on a phone. The camera rolls around the other side of his face to reveal it's Cigarette Smoking Man (look kids, William B. Davis!), having survived his supposedly lethal illness and supposed incineration by helicopter attack. As he hangs up the phone to tell his colleague "They've re-opened the X-Files," his unseen companion places a cigarette in CSM's trachea hole (EEEEWWWWW) to let him smoke. As the Big Bad of the Mytharc smiles, we close the episode with this thought:
A) This is probably one of the best ways to scare kids off of smoking, like forever...
B) Considering the show Continuum just finished, it's a good thing this miniseries came back 'cause Davis needs the work...
C) The X-Files re-opened?! YES! More chances for Dana and Fox to flirt over dead bodies again!
If you more often than not answered:
A) You are a new recruit to the Order of the Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic, so welcome to the hazing ritual of getting a proper Trout Slap before your honorary Scullyrita!
B) You are a long-time fan of the X-Files glad that the show came back, but upset that Carter still doesn't understand a damn thing he's doing with the Mytharc!
C) You're a 'Shipper who misses the tea sharing, the hand holds, the long drawn out discussions about human spontaneous combustion, and those precious moments when Dana and Fox admit they only TRUST each other! And after this episode, we're still missing all of that! AAAUUUGGGH, the withdrawal symptoms. Damn NoRomos, taking over the writers' room like that...
What do you think, sirs? Damn, this took me three dedicated evenings to write this up, and I know I missed a few details...
Sunday, January 17, 2016
X-Files: Three Words 'Shipper Survey
So here we are ONE WEEK AWAY from the return of the cult favorite show THE X-FILES!
And there's still a ton of Mytharc episodes I could throw at you that were done as 'Shipper Surveys. One thing I haven't done yet is put in a recap survey from Season Eight: The Season Where Duchovny Went Half-and-Half, and this is also the season where Scully's pregnancy was a major plot point of said Mytharc.
I know these postings are not in any order, but then again by Season Seven it became clear the crew making this show didn't care much for continuity... Also, if you pay attention you may notice part of this survey was written during an OBSSE marathon get-together in Orlando, ages ago. Sniff, nobody from the St. Scully group has called me back, has it been that long away...?
THREE WORDS
Three Words? Sure: Klaatu Barada Necktie! What?...
1) It's the White House. All right, the cross-over episode with "The West Wing" we've always been hoping for! A seemingly normal civil service worker (trust me, a guy looking like that in D.C. has got to be manning a federal desk!) scales the fence surrounding POTUS's babe-magnet mansion and tries his best to invade the premises. Good luck. This place has more security than a high school. Sure enough, SWAT Secret Service guys tackle the man, who blabbers about alien invasions taking place RIGHT NOW. A gun is shown. The guy shoots himself (?!). Oswald escapes into a movie theater. Whoops, wrong shooting. The dying man holds up a CD, begging it be given to the President. When you see the disk's title as "Fight The Future," you shout out:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) "WHAT?! All this for a bootleg DVD copy of the X-Files movie?! Sheesh, man, the Prez coulda picked up a clean copy at the nearest Blockbuster Video, you moron!..."
2) It's the hospital from last week's episode. Mulder still shows a few scars from his abduction ordeal. Scully and another doctor enter. Mulder tells them he's fit as a fiddle, but they already know: in fact, he's healing too rapidly. Even the affliction he was suffering from before the abduction has faded. He's in perfect health. Which tells you:
A) That Scully's medical skill is DAMN good. Hey, can we get her on our HMO as a primary care physician?...
B) Chris Carter wants this part of the mytharc wrapped up NOW. He's ready to ridicule whatever else remains of the show's continuity, so let's move on shall we?...
C) All an abductee needs to get better is some TLC! Sigh...
3) Next thing we know, Scully is shepherding Mulder back into his apartment. His apartment. Wait. He was found dead. He was buried. That was three months ago in the X-Files Universe. Are you telling me someone kept his apartment? They kept his furniture? They kept his porno vids?!?! Three months, people! In a major metropolitan area like D.C., and they can't unload an apartment whose tenant was abducted and was presumed dead and all of that!!! Excuse me! Someone DID NOT THINK THIS THROUGH!!! Dammit! Chris Carter must have been brainwashed by the Continuity Geniuses that oversee the Highlander franchise!!! AUGH! Now, while you're screaming just like this survey writer is, you're sure the best way Chris Carter could have stuck to continuity was:
A) To have the Punk stay at a Motel Six! They leave the light on for ya!
B) Stick to sacred banana slug stories! (Chant) (Revere)
C) To have Fox move in with Dana, who would keep apologizing about losing his futon and porno vids but at least kept the fish.
NOTE: It seems one of the fish died. That was the only thing to change at the apartment. Go ahead. Keep grumbling about it. *I* certainly do!...
4) It's awkward in Mulder's apartment. Not because the porno tapes were returned to Blockbuster. It's because Mulder and Scully are talking about her pregnancy. Ah. Scully is bordering on tears. Mulder, his male insensitivity genes kicking in, is talking like he's not sure how that happened and like he might not be the father. You:
A) Scream "Insensitive Male Punk!" (Trout-slap)
B) Chant "Bwha-Ha-Ha! The NoRomos Win!"
C) Gargle Gershwin. No, wait, you scream "Fox! Admit it! You shagged her royally and she's carrying your love child! Damn NoRomos!"
5) It's prison. The cast of "Oz" is not prepared for a cross-over episode with the X-Files and half the cast has already been killed off by Chaco Chicken Cannibals. So we switch over to Cell Block Q where Absalom is contemplating his place in the universe. The prison librarian walks over with a book titled "The Coming Apocalypse," that book written by Martin Landau's character from the movie. Now *THIS* bit of continuity they remember. Sheesh. Absalom reads about the dead government clerk and cries. You realize:
A) This guy needs to get out more! No, wait...
B) Absalom needs to find more uplifting literary reads. Can't the prison librarian recommend a title or two from Ursula Hegi?...
C) The Slashers would say something inappropriate here, so let's move on...
6) Kersh is waiting in his office to see Skinner and Doggett. Kersh wants to talk about Mulder being re-instated to the X-Files office. Naturally, that's not going to happen. Kersh, looking for any excuse to keep Mulder in custodial services where he belongs, points up this fact that Doggett has a higher arrest rate working the X-Files than Mulder did. Kersh is forgetting, though, that the mass arrest of slug worshippers is throwing off the grading scale. Doggett isn't thrilled with the idea of ruining Mulder's life just as he's getting out of the grave. Kersh snarls, "Maybe you'd rather I close the X-Files. Then we'd both be getting what we want." You reply:
A) "How do you know what Doggett wants? For all we know, what he wants is a Phillips CD-R system so he can burn his own Shania Twain disks!"
B) "Kersh wants to close the X-Files? Really? Then how will the FBI be able to investigate liver-eating mutants?"
C) "Hey! Will someone ask Walter to stop looking at John like that? Damn Slashers! (NOTE: Survey writer is still reading Jessica's recaps for Mightybigtv.com...)
7) Back at Mulder's apartment. No, really, who kept paying for it? Scully? Shouldn't she have been spending for an obstetrician? (NOTE: do pregnant women go to an obstetrician or is the doctor called something else. I'm a guy, so I have no personal experience in these matters) Skinner is telling Mulder the good news about Kersh. Mulder, going into full Paranoid! Mode, seems nonplused by these developments. He openly wonders about Doggett and where his loyalties lie. You want Scully tell him:
A) Doggett's loyalties lie with the OBSSE! He's Brother Dog, paying dues since 1997!
B) Doggett's loyalties lie with the Rebel Alliance, fleeing from the wrath of the Evil Galactic Empire! And he brought his lightsaber, too...
C) Doggett's just a good friend. Really, that's all he is. Okay, you bleeping NoRomos! Just let it go!...
8) Ah, yes, the future of the American penal system: chain gangs. Or is that a new reality show somewhere? Absalom is busy hiding a piece of wood with a nail in it from the guards. The transports arrive to take the prisoners back to Ruhe Pente. Absalom uses the board-and-nail on a guard and breaks off running. Quick, can anyone remember the early 80's band that sung "There's gonna be a jailbreak?" I can't get that song out of my head. Absalom runs for his freedom with a van in not-so-hot pursuit. I mean, the fastest a guy not training for the Olympics is what, 45 MPH tops? And this van's not even breaking the speed limit in a school zone, fer Blessed Slug's sakes. As Absalom makes good his escape, you think to yourself:
A) "Who does this guy think he is? Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man? Now, there was a guy who could run fast and make it look like slow motion!...(sigh)..."
B) "Okay, I want a hard target search of every house, henhouse, outhouse, doghouse, cathouse, Waffle House, White House, House of Games, house of cards, and Red House Over Yonder in that area. Roadblocks go up at fifteen miles! Our fugitive's name is...Joachim, from Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan! Go get him!"
C) "Dana. Fox. Chains of Love. It could work. Sigh."
NOTE: This scene is supposed to be taking place in West Virginia. To my knowledge, West Virginia does not have scrub brush desert vistas. Where's Vancouver when you need it?...
9) Doggett's big, empty house. Not for long. Doggett returns home to find Absalom waiting, having grabbed the agent's gun. He checks the back of Doggett's neck, relieved to find nothing there. He's here because of the dead civil service worker. Absalom wants Doggett to spread the word. You're sure the word is:
A) "Enigmatic!"
B) "Cerulean!"
C) "DanaLovesFoxYesThisIsMoreThanOneWordButTheyAreBeingPutTogetherAsOneWord!"
NOTE: I'm now writing this at Kimiye's house in Orlando during the OBSSE's Scullython on May 12. This kinda helps show you just how bleeped up my time management is dealing with moving into a new home, work, getting a girlfriend (unsuccessfully), feeding cats, etc.
10) FBI Headquarters. Skinner is giving field agents the update on Absalom's manhunt (shouldn't the U.S. Marshals be conducting this?...). He's describing the former Star Trek secondary character as "dangerous, unstable, and most likely another absentee Florida voter." Skinner points out the words carved into Absalom's prison cell. You're sure the words are:
A) "Protect the endangered banana slugs!"
B) "‘Shawshank Redemption' is overrated! ‘Chained Heat' rocks!"
C) "Fight the Prenuptial Agreement!"
11) Skinner and Scully are worried they can't reach Doggett and get him to find Absalom. Moot issue, as Doggett already knows where to look. Something else is going on, though. They're called down to the basement where Mulder, dressed again like an FBI agent, is eager to get to work. It seems, though, that Kersh doesn't want him to: both Scully and Skinner are terrified Mulder will get caught. Mulder, too reckless to care, starts poking through the Absalom stuff. Next thing you know, you're sure Mulder is going to:
A) Take back his desk! But it's not his anymore! It's Scully's!!!"
B) Change the voicemail message to "Mad Dog Pizza! We Deliver!"
C) Propose marriage to the one carrying his love child! And no, it's not Melissa Etheridge!"
12) Absalom is taping a gun onto Doggett's back, making sure he's got good aim at the back of the skull. But that's not important right now. What's important is that Mulder is sneaking around again breaking into storage rooms and causing trouble. Scully is tagging along, warning him she needs him to stay out of jail: who else is going to help out with lamaze class? Mulder finds the dead civil worker's laptop, conveniently containing every cheat code needed to win at "Evil Dead: Hail to the King." Scully decides to stop berating him and takes the laptop in for evidence. At this point you:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Look up from the computer to realize Kimiye has returned with the Subway sandwiches. The Scullython is about due for a lunch break! Be right back!!!
13) Okay. Burp. Subway Melt. Yum. Where were we? Oh. Absalom is using Doggett to guide his way into a vital office building of the United States Government. The Post Office? No. FEMA? Oh, please. That was so three seasons ago. Now it's the U.S. Census that's the key conspiratorial agency threatening the world. Absalom wants to break in, and he leads Doggett to an office space in the bowels of the spider's web of statistical data. Okay, NOW the guys with guns show up. Absalom screams he's got a hostage. Doggett warns the SWAT guys he's got a gun aimed at his head. There's a lot of yelling and shouting and...BLAM! Absalom gets shot. The survey writer was honestly surprised by this turn of events (I thought Absalom was good for at least two more episodes), but you know:
A) Scully would have avoided this whole mess by using her high heels to cut into Absalom's foot, then knocking him into the nearest car that has seats with fine Corinthian leather!
B) The identity of the sniper! It was Bobo the assassin chimp! He knows...no mercy!
C) John's going to need a hug. But not from Dana, she reserves them for Fox! Hmm. Walter? No, you damn Slashers! Monica? (Eww) How about someone new, maybe from Accounting?...
14) Doggett is reviewing the situation with Skinner. Mulder enters the room. This is what we call the "meet-cute" scene, in which Mulder once again introduces himself by beating the crap out of somebody. Skinner tries to break it up. Mulder's pissed both that Doggett's occupying his office to "bury the truth," and that he's taken Mulder's porno collection out of the bottom cabinet drawers. Doggett's being stoic in not throwing a punch but isn't about to back down. Skinner shoves Mulder out of the office, but tries to apologize for his behavior. You take this all in and decide the manliness man of this manly bunch is:
A) None of them. These sissies can never measure up to Scully's dad!
B) Whichever one doesn't have a prescription of Viagra. Real Men don't need medication.
C) Insert Slasher answer here. Damn Slashers!...
15) Scully's apartment. Frohike answers the door. What? FROHIKE?! Could he be...? Mulder and Frohike hug. But in a manly hetero way. They meet with Scully and the other Lone Gunmen, who are slumming from their own series long enough to ask about just how exactly Scully got pregnant. Mulder and Scully are incredibly tentative. You want either of them to say:
A) "Forget it! We're not naming the kid after you! ‘Lone Gunmen' Scully? The school bullies would have a field trip!..."
B) "Well, Langly, when a man and a woman love one another deeply enough, they get together over beer and pretzels and call the stork for delivery services and then..."
C) "We had sex! Okay! We had sex! The ‘Shippers can relax now! The UST has been resolved! And we're naming the kid after Pendrell!"
16) It turns out the Census worker uncovered something, something so hideous and so deplorable that he couldn't wait to save it for a movie sequel. However, whatever it was is now locked down behind a computer firewall so secure they can't even pretend Hollywood-style that they can hack into it. The only thing they can do is physically invade the facility. You know that means:
A) Scully's going to be performing autopsies on any secondary characters that aid them in the break-in within 2.6 minutes after the commercial!
B) Stunt doubles. Lots and lots of stunt doubles!
C) We get a teary farewell scene between two of the characters. Dammit, Frohike, you and Jimmy can resolve these things in another survey!...
17) Doggett goes for a walk in the park. He meets his friend Adam "Reliable He-Man Character Actor" Baldwin (any relation to the other Baldwins?...) we last saw double-crossing Scully in Per Manum. Doggett still thinks this guy is reliable. Of course, this being a mytharc episode his friend can't tell Doggett anything directly, just in riddles. Quick, what does he mean when he tells Doggett, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls?" You think it means:
A) Scully was caught vandalizing in her youth! Probably something like "Ramones Forever!" Sigh...
B) Someone's quoting from rock lyrics again!
C) Dana loves Fox? Well, everything means Dana loves Fox! Sigh
NOTE: I am now typing this Monday. It has been two days since being at Kimiye's. Being funny takes more time than it looks, ya?
18) Actually, Doggett's friend says, "Three words." You're sure the three words are:
A) "Gillian deserves Oscar recognition." No, damn, that's four words!
B) "Whadda ya mean, fans expect continuity?" No, that's six words!
C) "Dana Loves Fox." YAY! That fits!
19) Later. Doggett finds Scully on the street outside her apartment (which doesn't match her street from Seasons One, Two, Three, or Four. Are we missing Vancouver yet, folks?...). He's got word about what the dead civil service worker wanted to give the President. It was a disk of information. The password was three words. You're sure, absolutely positively sure, that Doggett is going to say the three words are:
A) "Where's Ma Scully?"
B) "Where's John Conner?"
C) "Fox should marry you, Dana. You obviously love one another, and you are carrying his uberchild, and...and...all right, so it's not three words, but still it needs to be said!"
20) Scully meets with Mulder. She's conflicted over whether or not to tell Mulder the three words. Much later. There's a knock at Doggett's door. This time he's got his gun ready. Smart lad. Skinner is there with word from Scully. She's upset, which means Skinner's upset, which means a lot of ladies who obsess over bald FBI directors are upset. But I digress. She passed the password on to Mulder, who's apparently acting on the information. Doggett is realizing he may have set Mulder up as Bobo's next target. You are realizing:
A) That Scully should have realized the Punk would do this to her and ruin her evening. She should have just told him to rent a copy of "Farewell My Concubine" or something for a late-night dinner...
B) Doggett can't really order out for pizza from now on without scaring the bleep out of the delivery boy!
C) If Dana did love Fox, she should have told him to meet her at a wedding chapel, uh, for a clandestine meeting with an Elvis impersonator who moonlights as a justice of the peace and...and...guys, help me out here. I need to make the excuse more convincing!...
21) Doggett finds Scully waiting in the car. Does Scully ever want to wait in the car? I mean, she really hasn't done that since Season Two, right? Anyway, Doggett warns her this is a set-up, and for her to get going before she gets dragged into this. He then goes running off to find Mulder. Mulder, meanwhile, has succeeded in penetrating the dark corridors of an office building in downtown Vancouver and is proceeding to manipulate the city's Chamber of Commerce web site to trick people into moving with the basketball team to Memphis. You're worried:
A) That the Blessed One is going to have to autopsy both the Punk and the Dog when this is all done. But at least the desk will finally be hers! Bwha-ha-ha!
B) That Memphis just isn't a good place for professional basketball. Wouldn't Sioux City Iowa be more eager and willing to support a team?...
C) That Dana's not there with a flashlight to guide Fox to where he really needs to go...the underground corridor leading to the nearest Waffle House! Why not, he needs to snack once and awhile, right?...
22) Mulder has broken into the U.S. Census offices. Oooh. We're impressed. The Lone Gunmen are hanging on nearby (literally) to log him in and secure the data he needs. Doggett arrives to find the door that Mulder used is now locked. In true manly fashion, he shoots it. The NRA will protest the loss of a perfectly good bullet later on. Doggett is trying to get Mulder out. Mulder still believes Doggett is a naughty boy and shouldn't be listened to. You believe:
A) That this year's Scully Marathon will be the most successful one yet! Well, that's kinda a no-brainer, but still...
B) That Episode II of the Star Wars saga needs more Boba Fett and less Jar-Jar. Again, a no-brainer...
C) That Dana and Fox are in love. Well, DUH!
23) Mulder is finding the information he wants: proof that the U.S. Census was used to track people for abduction, assimilation, and acclimation. Unfortunately, he's finding out from the Lone Gunmen the data isn't even transmitting out of the office building like they had hoped. Worse, they're all finding out from Scully that Bobo and his boys have arrived to shoot first and ask questions never. You're sure the best way of escape now is:
A) Back through the Matrix
B) By clicking their heels three times and saying "Pee-Wee Herman did what in Sarasota?"
C) The ceiling. Government-training assassin chimps never look up there!
24) Later. Doggett's army buddy is finishing up his jog. Doggett surprises him out of nowhere. Before the guy can go, Doggett points out Skinner in the distance, and warns that unless he gets the right answers "that man puts your name on all the wrong desks." There's still a lot of evasive talking, though. He claims, "You got it all right in front of you. It's all in the X-Files. I'm just one man trying to point you in the right direction." You reply:
A) "Just SAY IT! Aliens, dammit! It's all about aliens! YOU KNOW WHAT'S THERE SO TELL US! It's been eight long damn years and WE'RE TIRED OF WAITING! (Insert many trout-slaps here)"
B) "It'd be nice if the direction wasn't towards the nearest firing squad!"
C) "That's it! Just take the wedding gift back and don't even think about showing up at the baby shower!"
25) Disgusted, Doggett walks away. His army buddy leans down for one more drink at the water fountain, showing off a dorsal fin. You can say, "Oh crap" at this point. And as the episode concluded, you can say one last thing:
A) "He is DEFINITELY NOT coming to the baby shower!"
B) "Dammit, Paul, does it really take a whole month to write one of these surveys?"
C) "Wait! I know what the Three Words are! ‘Marry me, Dana'! IT FITS! IT WORKS! YAY!"
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you're an OBSSE member who's checking the necks of every nun in the group. Hey, SisTree, what's this on your neck? (SisTree grumbles and shows off her tattoo declaring her love for Steve Buscemi) Oh, okay...
B) Then you're an X-Phile who's figured out the Three Words: "Continuity? What Continuity?"
C) Then you're a ‘Shipper who's grateful that Dana and Fox are together, but guys, why didn't Fox ask if he was the superbaby's father?! Doesn't he care? Doesn't he want to be a mature responsible adult, marry the woman he loves, and raise the uberScully children on a farm in Montana?! (weep) (wail)
There we go, peoples.
ONE WEEK!
And there's still a ton of Mytharc episodes I could throw at you that were done as 'Shipper Surveys. One thing I haven't done yet is put in a recap survey from Season Eight: The Season Where Duchovny Went Half-and-Half, and this is also the season where Scully's pregnancy was a major plot point of said Mytharc.
I know these postings are not in any order, but then again by Season Seven it became clear the crew making this show didn't care much for continuity... Also, if you pay attention you may notice part of this survey was written during an OBSSE marathon get-together in Orlando, ages ago. Sniff, nobody from the St. Scully group has called me back, has it been that long away...?
THREE WORDS
Three Words? Sure: Klaatu Barada Necktie! What?...
1) It's the White House. All right, the cross-over episode with "The West Wing" we've always been hoping for! A seemingly normal civil service worker (trust me, a guy looking like that in D.C. has got to be manning a federal desk!) scales the fence surrounding POTUS's babe-magnet mansion and tries his best to invade the premises. Good luck. This place has more security than a high school. Sure enough, SWAT Secret Service guys tackle the man, who blabbers about alien invasions taking place RIGHT NOW. A gun is shown. The guy shoots himself (?!). Oswald escapes into a movie theater. Whoops, wrong shooting. The dying man holds up a CD, begging it be given to the President. When you see the disk's title as "Fight The Future," you shout out:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) "WHAT?! All this for a bootleg DVD copy of the X-Files movie?! Sheesh, man, the Prez coulda picked up a clean copy at the nearest Blockbuster Video, you moron!..."
2) It's the hospital from last week's episode. Mulder still shows a few scars from his abduction ordeal. Scully and another doctor enter. Mulder tells them he's fit as a fiddle, but they already know: in fact, he's healing too rapidly. Even the affliction he was suffering from before the abduction has faded. He's in perfect health. Which tells you:
A) That Scully's medical skill is DAMN good. Hey, can we get her on our HMO as a primary care physician?...
B) Chris Carter wants this part of the mytharc wrapped up NOW. He's ready to ridicule whatever else remains of the show's continuity, so let's move on shall we?...
C) All an abductee needs to get better is some TLC! Sigh...
3) Next thing we know, Scully is shepherding Mulder back into his apartment. His apartment. Wait. He was found dead. He was buried. That was three months ago in the X-Files Universe. Are you telling me someone kept his apartment? They kept his furniture? They kept his porno vids?!?! Three months, people! In a major metropolitan area like D.C., and they can't unload an apartment whose tenant was abducted and was presumed dead and all of that!!! Excuse me! Someone DID NOT THINK THIS THROUGH!!! Dammit! Chris Carter must have been brainwashed by the Continuity Geniuses that oversee the Highlander franchise!!! AUGH! Now, while you're screaming just like this survey writer is, you're sure the best way Chris Carter could have stuck to continuity was:
A) To have the Punk stay at a Motel Six! They leave the light on for ya!
B) Stick to sacred banana slug stories! (Chant) (Revere)
C) To have Fox move in with Dana, who would keep apologizing about losing his futon and porno vids but at least kept the fish.
NOTE: It seems one of the fish died. That was the only thing to change at the apartment. Go ahead. Keep grumbling about it. *I* certainly do!...
4) It's awkward in Mulder's apartment. Not because the porno tapes were returned to Blockbuster. It's because Mulder and Scully are talking about her pregnancy. Ah. Scully is bordering on tears. Mulder, his male insensitivity genes kicking in, is talking like he's not sure how that happened and like he might not be the father. You:
A) Scream "Insensitive Male Punk!" (Trout-slap)
B) Chant "Bwha-Ha-Ha! The NoRomos Win!"
C) Gargle Gershwin. No, wait, you scream "Fox! Admit it! You shagged her royally and she's carrying your love child! Damn NoRomos!"
5) It's prison. The cast of "Oz" is not prepared for a cross-over episode with the X-Files and half the cast has already been killed off by Chaco Chicken Cannibals. So we switch over to Cell Block Q where Absalom is contemplating his place in the universe. The prison librarian walks over with a book titled "The Coming Apocalypse," that book written by Martin Landau's character from the movie. Now *THIS* bit of continuity they remember. Sheesh. Absalom reads about the dead government clerk and cries. You realize:
A) This guy needs to get out more! No, wait...
B) Absalom needs to find more uplifting literary reads. Can't the prison librarian recommend a title or two from Ursula Hegi?...
C) The Slashers would say something inappropriate here, so let's move on...
6) Kersh is waiting in his office to see Skinner and Doggett. Kersh wants to talk about Mulder being re-instated to the X-Files office. Naturally, that's not going to happen. Kersh, looking for any excuse to keep Mulder in custodial services where he belongs, points up this fact that Doggett has a higher arrest rate working the X-Files than Mulder did. Kersh is forgetting, though, that the mass arrest of slug worshippers is throwing off the grading scale. Doggett isn't thrilled with the idea of ruining Mulder's life just as he's getting out of the grave. Kersh snarls, "Maybe you'd rather I close the X-Files. Then we'd both be getting what we want." You reply:
A) "How do you know what Doggett wants? For all we know, what he wants is a Phillips CD-R system so he can burn his own Shania Twain disks!"
B) "Kersh wants to close the X-Files? Really? Then how will the FBI be able to investigate liver-eating mutants?"
C) "Hey! Will someone ask Walter to stop looking at John like that? Damn Slashers! (NOTE: Survey writer is still reading Jessica's recaps for Mightybigtv.com...)
7) Back at Mulder's apartment. No, really, who kept paying for it? Scully? Shouldn't she have been spending for an obstetrician? (NOTE: do pregnant women go to an obstetrician or is the doctor called something else. I'm a guy, so I have no personal experience in these matters) Skinner is telling Mulder the good news about Kersh. Mulder, going into full Paranoid! Mode, seems nonplused by these developments. He openly wonders about Doggett and where his loyalties lie. You want Scully tell him:
A) Doggett's loyalties lie with the OBSSE! He's Brother Dog, paying dues since 1997!
B) Doggett's loyalties lie with the Rebel Alliance, fleeing from the wrath of the Evil Galactic Empire! And he brought his lightsaber, too...
C) Doggett's just a good friend. Really, that's all he is. Okay, you bleeping NoRomos! Just let it go!...
8) Ah, yes, the future of the American penal system: chain gangs. Or is that a new reality show somewhere? Absalom is busy hiding a piece of wood with a nail in it from the guards. The transports arrive to take the prisoners back to Ruhe Pente. Absalom uses the board-and-nail on a guard and breaks off running. Quick, can anyone remember the early 80's band that sung "There's gonna be a jailbreak?" I can't get that song out of my head. Absalom runs for his freedom with a van in not-so-hot pursuit. I mean, the fastest a guy not training for the Olympics is what, 45 MPH tops? And this van's not even breaking the speed limit in a school zone, fer Blessed Slug's sakes. As Absalom makes good his escape, you think to yourself:
A) "Who does this guy think he is? Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man? Now, there was a guy who could run fast and make it look like slow motion!...(sigh)..."
B) "Okay, I want a hard target search of every house, henhouse, outhouse, doghouse, cathouse, Waffle House, White House, House of Games, house of cards, and Red House Over Yonder in that area. Roadblocks go up at fifteen miles! Our fugitive's name is...Joachim, from Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan! Go get him!"
C) "Dana. Fox. Chains of Love. It could work. Sigh."
NOTE: This scene is supposed to be taking place in West Virginia. To my knowledge, West Virginia does not have scrub brush desert vistas. Where's Vancouver when you need it?...
9) Doggett's big, empty house. Not for long. Doggett returns home to find Absalom waiting, having grabbed the agent's gun. He checks the back of Doggett's neck, relieved to find nothing there. He's here because of the dead civil service worker. Absalom wants Doggett to spread the word. You're sure the word is:
A) "Enigmatic!"
B) "Cerulean!"
C) "DanaLovesFoxYesThisIsMoreThanOneWordButTheyAreBeingPutTogetherAsOneWord!"
NOTE: I'm now writing this at Kimiye's house in Orlando during the OBSSE's Scullython on May 12. This kinda helps show you just how bleeped up my time management is dealing with moving into a new home, work, getting a girlfriend (unsuccessfully), feeding cats, etc.
10) FBI Headquarters. Skinner is giving field agents the update on Absalom's manhunt (shouldn't the U.S. Marshals be conducting this?...). He's describing the former Star Trek secondary character as "dangerous, unstable, and most likely another absentee Florida voter." Skinner points out the words carved into Absalom's prison cell. You're sure the words are:
A) "Protect the endangered banana slugs!"
B) "‘Shawshank Redemption' is overrated! ‘Chained Heat' rocks!"
C) "Fight the Prenuptial Agreement!"
11) Skinner and Scully are worried they can't reach Doggett and get him to find Absalom. Moot issue, as Doggett already knows where to look. Something else is going on, though. They're called down to the basement where Mulder, dressed again like an FBI agent, is eager to get to work. It seems, though, that Kersh doesn't want him to: both Scully and Skinner are terrified Mulder will get caught. Mulder, too reckless to care, starts poking through the Absalom stuff. Next thing you know, you're sure Mulder is going to:
A) Take back his desk! But it's not his anymore! It's Scully's!!!"
B) Change the voicemail message to "Mad Dog Pizza! We Deliver!"
C) Propose marriage to the one carrying his love child! And no, it's not Melissa Etheridge!"
12) Absalom is taping a gun onto Doggett's back, making sure he's got good aim at the back of the skull. But that's not important right now. What's important is that Mulder is sneaking around again breaking into storage rooms and causing trouble. Scully is tagging along, warning him she needs him to stay out of jail: who else is going to help out with lamaze class? Mulder finds the dead civil worker's laptop, conveniently containing every cheat code needed to win at "Evil Dead: Hail to the King." Scully decides to stop berating him and takes the laptop in for evidence. At this point you:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Look up from the computer to realize Kimiye has returned with the Subway sandwiches. The Scullython is about due for a lunch break! Be right back!!!
13) Okay. Burp. Subway Melt. Yum. Where were we? Oh. Absalom is using Doggett to guide his way into a vital office building of the United States Government. The Post Office? No. FEMA? Oh, please. That was so three seasons ago. Now it's the U.S. Census that's the key conspiratorial agency threatening the world. Absalom wants to break in, and he leads Doggett to an office space in the bowels of the spider's web of statistical data. Okay, NOW the guys with guns show up. Absalom screams he's got a hostage. Doggett warns the SWAT guys he's got a gun aimed at his head. There's a lot of yelling and shouting and...BLAM! Absalom gets shot. The survey writer was honestly surprised by this turn of events (I thought Absalom was good for at least two more episodes), but you know:
A) Scully would have avoided this whole mess by using her high heels to cut into Absalom's foot, then knocking him into the nearest car that has seats with fine Corinthian leather!
B) The identity of the sniper! It was Bobo the assassin chimp! He knows...no mercy!
C) John's going to need a hug. But not from Dana, she reserves them for Fox! Hmm. Walter? No, you damn Slashers! Monica? (Eww) How about someone new, maybe from Accounting?...
14) Doggett is reviewing the situation with Skinner. Mulder enters the room. This is what we call the "meet-cute" scene, in which Mulder once again introduces himself by beating the crap out of somebody. Skinner tries to break it up. Mulder's pissed both that Doggett's occupying his office to "bury the truth," and that he's taken Mulder's porno collection out of the bottom cabinet drawers. Doggett's being stoic in not throwing a punch but isn't about to back down. Skinner shoves Mulder out of the office, but tries to apologize for his behavior. You take this all in and decide the manliness man of this manly bunch is:
A) None of them. These sissies can never measure up to Scully's dad!
B) Whichever one doesn't have a prescription of Viagra. Real Men don't need medication.
C) Insert Slasher answer here. Damn Slashers!...
15) Scully's apartment. Frohike answers the door. What? FROHIKE?! Could he be...? Mulder and Frohike hug. But in a manly hetero way. They meet with Scully and the other Lone Gunmen, who are slumming from their own series long enough to ask about just how exactly Scully got pregnant. Mulder and Scully are incredibly tentative. You want either of them to say:
A) "Forget it! We're not naming the kid after you! ‘Lone Gunmen' Scully? The school bullies would have a field trip!..."
B) "Well, Langly, when a man and a woman love one another deeply enough, they get together over beer and pretzels and call the stork for delivery services and then..."
C) "We had sex! Okay! We had sex! The ‘Shippers can relax now! The UST has been resolved! And we're naming the kid after Pendrell!"
16) It turns out the Census worker uncovered something, something so hideous and so deplorable that he couldn't wait to save it for a movie sequel. However, whatever it was is now locked down behind a computer firewall so secure they can't even pretend Hollywood-style that they can hack into it. The only thing they can do is physically invade the facility. You know that means:
A) Scully's going to be performing autopsies on any secondary characters that aid them in the break-in within 2.6 minutes after the commercial!
B) Stunt doubles. Lots and lots of stunt doubles!
C) We get a teary farewell scene between two of the characters. Dammit, Frohike, you and Jimmy can resolve these things in another survey!...
17) Doggett goes for a walk in the park. He meets his friend Adam "Reliable He-Man Character Actor" Baldwin (any relation to the other Baldwins?...) we last saw double-crossing Scully in Per Manum. Doggett still thinks this guy is reliable. Of course, this being a mytharc episode his friend can't tell Doggett anything directly, just in riddles. Quick, what does he mean when he tells Doggett, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls?" You think it means:
A) Scully was caught vandalizing in her youth! Probably something like "Ramones Forever!" Sigh...
B) Someone's quoting from rock lyrics again!
C) Dana loves Fox? Well, everything means Dana loves Fox! Sigh
NOTE: I am now typing this Monday. It has been two days since being at Kimiye's. Being funny takes more time than it looks, ya?
18) Actually, Doggett's friend says, "Three words." You're sure the three words are:
A) "Gillian deserves Oscar recognition." No, damn, that's four words!
B) "Whadda ya mean, fans expect continuity?" No, that's six words!
C) "Dana Loves Fox." YAY! That fits!
19) Later. Doggett finds Scully on the street outside her apartment (which doesn't match her street from Seasons One, Two, Three, or Four. Are we missing Vancouver yet, folks?...). He's got word about what the dead civil service worker wanted to give the President. It was a disk of information. The password was three words. You're sure, absolutely positively sure, that Doggett is going to say the three words are:
A) "Where's Ma Scully?"
B) "Where's John Conner?"
C) "Fox should marry you, Dana. You obviously love one another, and you are carrying his uberchild, and...and...all right, so it's not three words, but still it needs to be said!"
20) Scully meets with Mulder. She's conflicted over whether or not to tell Mulder the three words. Much later. There's a knock at Doggett's door. This time he's got his gun ready. Smart lad. Skinner is there with word from Scully. She's upset, which means Skinner's upset, which means a lot of ladies who obsess over bald FBI directors are upset. But I digress. She passed the password on to Mulder, who's apparently acting on the information. Doggett is realizing he may have set Mulder up as Bobo's next target. You are realizing:
A) That Scully should have realized the Punk would do this to her and ruin her evening. She should have just told him to rent a copy of "Farewell My Concubine" or something for a late-night dinner...
B) Doggett can't really order out for pizza from now on without scaring the bleep out of the delivery boy!
C) If Dana did love Fox, she should have told him to meet her at a wedding chapel, uh, for a clandestine meeting with an Elvis impersonator who moonlights as a justice of the peace and...and...guys, help me out here. I need to make the excuse more convincing!...
21) Doggett finds Scully waiting in the car. Does Scully ever want to wait in the car? I mean, she really hasn't done that since Season Two, right? Anyway, Doggett warns her this is a set-up, and for her to get going before she gets dragged into this. He then goes running off to find Mulder. Mulder, meanwhile, has succeeded in penetrating the dark corridors of an office building in downtown Vancouver and is proceeding to manipulate the city's Chamber of Commerce web site to trick people into moving with the basketball team to Memphis. You're worried:
A) That the Blessed One is going to have to autopsy both the Punk and the Dog when this is all done. But at least the desk will finally be hers! Bwha-ha-ha!
B) That Memphis just isn't a good place for professional basketball. Wouldn't Sioux City Iowa be more eager and willing to support a team?...
C) That Dana's not there with a flashlight to guide Fox to where he really needs to go...the underground corridor leading to the nearest Waffle House! Why not, he needs to snack once and awhile, right?...
22) Mulder has broken into the U.S. Census offices. Oooh. We're impressed. The Lone Gunmen are hanging on nearby (literally) to log him in and secure the data he needs. Doggett arrives to find the door that Mulder used is now locked. In true manly fashion, he shoots it. The NRA will protest the loss of a perfectly good bullet later on. Doggett is trying to get Mulder out. Mulder still believes Doggett is a naughty boy and shouldn't be listened to. You believe:
A) That this year's Scully Marathon will be the most successful one yet! Well, that's kinda a no-brainer, but still...
B) That Episode II of the Star Wars saga needs more Boba Fett and less Jar-Jar. Again, a no-brainer...
C) That Dana and Fox are in love. Well, DUH!
23) Mulder is finding the information he wants: proof that the U.S. Census was used to track people for abduction, assimilation, and acclimation. Unfortunately, he's finding out from the Lone Gunmen the data isn't even transmitting out of the office building like they had hoped. Worse, they're all finding out from Scully that Bobo and his boys have arrived to shoot first and ask questions never. You're sure the best way of escape now is:
A) Back through the Matrix
B) By clicking their heels three times and saying "Pee-Wee Herman did what in Sarasota?"
C) The ceiling. Government-training assassin chimps never look up there!
24) Later. Doggett's army buddy is finishing up his jog. Doggett surprises him out of nowhere. Before the guy can go, Doggett points out Skinner in the distance, and warns that unless he gets the right answers "that man puts your name on all the wrong desks." There's still a lot of evasive talking, though. He claims, "You got it all right in front of you. It's all in the X-Files. I'm just one man trying to point you in the right direction." You reply:
A) "Just SAY IT! Aliens, dammit! It's all about aliens! YOU KNOW WHAT'S THERE SO TELL US! It's been eight long damn years and WE'RE TIRED OF WAITING! (Insert many trout-slaps here)"
B) "It'd be nice if the direction wasn't towards the nearest firing squad!"
C) "That's it! Just take the wedding gift back and don't even think about showing up at the baby shower!"
25) Disgusted, Doggett walks away. His army buddy leans down for one more drink at the water fountain, showing off a dorsal fin. You can say, "Oh crap" at this point. And as the episode concluded, you can say one last thing:
A) "He is DEFINITELY NOT coming to the baby shower!"
B) "Dammit, Paul, does it really take a whole month to write one of these surveys?"
C) "Wait! I know what the Three Words are! ‘Marry me, Dana'! IT FITS! IT WORKS! YAY!"
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you're an OBSSE member who's checking the necks of every nun in the group. Hey, SisTree, what's this on your neck? (SisTree grumbles and shows off her tattoo declaring her love for Steve Buscemi) Oh, okay...
B) Then you're an X-Phile who's figured out the Three Words: "Continuity? What Continuity?"
C) Then you're a ‘Shipper who's grateful that Dana and Fox are together, but guys, why didn't Fox ask if he was the superbaby's father?! Doesn't he care? Doesn't he want to be a mature responsible adult, marry the woman he loves, and raise the uberScully children on a farm in Montana?! (weep) (wail)
There we go, peoples.
ONE WEEK!
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Just So You Know, the 90s Were Cool
So they have to promote the upcoming revival mini-series for The X-Files, which means a round of visits to the late night talk shows.
So here's David and Gillian goofing it up on the Jimmy Kimmel show last night:
and yes, they brought up the blatant pandering to 'Shippers.
Live with it, NoRomos!
In the meantime, yes, twenty years ago we did not have flat screen monitors... and Internet connection was barely 54k baud speed... and driving distances between Washington DC and the Pacific Northwest DID NOT TAKE TWO HOURS to take. But dammit, we did not all use AOL back in 1993! We had flip phones by then! Floppy disks were in 3.5 inch hard cases! We had Nirvana more than Hootie and the Blowfish!
DAMN YOU KIMMEL!
Okay, back to the make-out session...
So here's David and Gillian goofing it up on the Jimmy Kimmel show last night:
and yes, they brought up the blatant pandering to 'Shippers.
Live with it, NoRomos!
In the meantime, yes, twenty years ago we did not have flat screen monitors... and Internet connection was barely 54k baud speed... and driving distances between Washington DC and the Pacific Northwest DID NOT TAKE TWO HOURS to take. But dammit, we did not all use AOL back in 1993! We had flip phones by then! Floppy disks were in 3.5 inch hard cases! We had Nirvana more than Hootie and the Blowfish!
DAMN YOU KIMMEL!
Okay, back to the make-out session...
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
You Say It's Your Birthday: Mulder Edition
Numerology plays a role in The X-Files.
Especially birthdays.
10/13 is in the real world Chris Carter's birthday, so like the egomaniac he is Carter went and gave that day of birth to Fox Mulder as well.
So screw Chris.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MULDER!!!
 |
| I'd love to get the artist's name on this please |
Where IS Bree Sharp nowadays...?
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Just Some Thoughts About THE X-FILES
1) Would it be appropriate to start work on an X-Files/Orphan Black crossover fan-fic?
2) Did Gillian REALLY eat that grasshopper in "Humbug"?
3) Is Mulder going to have Weird Al's "Foil" song as a cellphone ring tone?
4) Where DO all the left socks go to when they disappear into our dryers?
5) Are the marketers looking to hire writers to start up another series of pulp paperbacks? (offers resume)
2) Did Gillian REALLY eat that grasshopper in "Humbug"?
3) Is Mulder going to have Weird Al's "Foil" song as a cellphone ring tone?
4) Where DO all the left socks go to when they disappear into our dryers?
5) Are the marketers looking to hire writers to start up another series of pulp paperbacks? (offers resume)
Saturday, August 22, 2015
X-Files: Tooms 'Shipper Survey
I promised awhile back that I would write up a survey for "Tooms" as it was one of the key 'Shipper episodes even for a Monster of the Week story.
And what a Monster of the Week. This is the first re-visit of an enemy in Victor Eugene Tooms, a most memorable X-File antagonist that set the standard for what to expect from an MOTW. So. Let's begin.
Senseless 'Shipper Survey - TOOMS Oh SSSSSSSHHHHHIIIIIIIII...
1) The episode begins with Mulder taking Scully out to a dinner and a movie. You:
A) See B)
B) See C)
C) Slap the 'Shipper Survey writer. Stop inserting your own damn fanfic and stick to the plot!
2) We are re-introduced to Tooms, an... unusual human being capable of stretching his entire body like taffy in order to sneak through openings no normal human could consider. Such as that food tray door of his prison cell RIGHT AS WE'RE WATCHING OMG. You:
A) Panic and lock the doors.
B) Panic and superglue all the air vents shuts.
C) Relax because Tooms is in a secure psychiatric facility in Baltimore MD and they never have any successful escapes. Just ask Dr. Lecter over in Cell Block B... uh, doctor? Doc? Where did he AAAAAAAUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH (gets liver eaten with fava beans and a nice Chianti).
3) After credits, we find Agent Scully called to the carpet of an Assistant Director - no more Section Chief hand-holding for you, Dana, you're moving up in the world! - by the name of Skinner. You:
A) Worry that Scully's getting re-assigned to Donal Logue's task force hunting down future outdoor locations for Fox's planned There's-No-Batman-In-This series that should be starting its second season any day now!
B) Don't wanna spoil anything for the new fans binge-watching the series, but just wait for the season where Walter shows off his abs and undies...
C) Worry about those damn Walter-Dana 'Shippers still out there! NOOOOOOooooooo...
4) After the setup foreshadowing the remainder of Season One's arc, Mulder is busy testifying at the preliminary hearings for Tooms' case. Asked to present what he knows about Tooms' possible criminal misdeeds from the episode "Squeeze", Mulder just... uh... well, let's look at this:
A) Dammit, Mulder, did you HAVE to say that...?
B) Yup. That's pretty much how the set extras behaved during the episode broadcast...
C) Dammit, Fox, didn't you see Dana's dropping hints for you to TONE THE SPOOKY STUFF DOWN A NOTCH... sigh...
5) Scully chews Mulder out for overdoing his testimony. Mulder argues that he spoke to the truth. You:
A) Suggest Scully bring a fresh trout to the courtroom and slap the Punk with it next time he speaks out of turn. NO JURY WOULD CONVICT YOU SCULLY.
B) Suggest that more biological evidence and physical testing should have been presented in the courtroom. Why the hell was it all pinned to what Mulder had to say...?
C) Suggest Dana and Fox cool down at the nearest hotel that has beds with Magic Fingers thingee.
6) Scully decides to go hunt for more clues. While she goes and rounds up the retired cop Frank Briggs that helped out in the earlier episode, you want her to also round up:
A) An elite task force of expendable warriors! Dana's Dirty Dozen!
B) Those four teens riding around in a funky painted panel van and pot-ingesting Great Dane that keeps saying (blocked from quoting due to copyright violations).
C) A caterer, a banquet hall, a priest, witnesses, family members, Best Man, Maid of Honor, some kids to toss flowers, and just to keep Fox happy an Elvis Impersonator. ...what?
7) Tooms somehow gets his job back with Animal Control, cleaning up poor critters left as road-kill. As he spends a moment enjoying a mid-work coffee break (and light snack) you:
A) EEEEEWWWWWWW
B) NO NOT FLUFFY!
C) Make damn sure Tooms is not the caterer for the Dana-Fox wedding.
8) Tooms begins to focus on a fresh target walking down the street. His POV shows the world turning grey while his potential victim remains in perfect highlighted color. Suddenly, Mulder pops up to harass Tooms by asking after a missing dog: "His name is Heinrick. He's a Norwegian Elkhound." Tooms scurries away in frustration. Mulder can't help but rub in: "I use him to hunt moose!" You shout back:
A) "Stop describing yourself, Moose!" (note: fan nicknames of the power duo are Moose and Squirrel, you get two guesses who is whom and any sarcastic answer gets you a fresh trout slap)
B) "A moose once bit my sister!" (note: true story. I *did* shout that when I watched this episode during broadcast)
C) "Dammit, Fox, you know perfectly well Dana doesn't support moose genocide!" (note: the moose are the only defense we have against Wendigo incursions)
9) After a busy day of digging up evidence, Scully re-teams with Mulder as he stakes out Tooms' halfway home. Scully brought food and drinks for the stakeout, and also a warning: That Skinner islooking to make himself a recurring character looking to shut down the X-Files. You warn:
A) Scully that it's either this or being on rarely-watched episodes of Hannibal!
B) Mulder that it's either this or tacky episodes of Californication.
C) the NoRomos they better not ruin the next three minutes for the rest of us!
10) Scully tries to call her partner by his first name "Fox".
Mulder: "I made my parents call me 'Mulder'."
You respond:
A) "So how quickly did you get disinherited, you ungrateful bastard?"
B) "Damn. Even after what happened to your sister, that had to make Thanksgiving dinners a bit awkward, you think?"
C) "But what's it gonna look like on the Marriage Certificate, Fox?!"
11) Scully: "Mulder, I wouldn't put myself on the line for anybody but you."
(Incredibly poignant shared glance between the two)
Mulder: "If there's an iced tea in that bag, it could be love."
Scully (digging through the dinner): "Must be fate, Mulder. Root beer."
You:
A) See B)
B) See C)
C) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
12) Mulder gets sent home without his iced tea. Unfortunately, Tooms follows him (ohcrap) and is able to sneak into Mulder's apartment (ohsssssssshhhhhiiiiiii...). When it turns out Tooms is doing it to frame Mulder with a false brutality charge, you:
A) Sigh in relief that Scully doesn't have to retrain a new Agent partner, but on the other hand she STILL doesn't have a desk! /preteractive fuming
B) Worry that Tooms could have swiped Mulder's infamous porn stash while he was there. October 1988 *was* a good month, dammit.
C) Were using a girly scream. This is Fox we're talking about, there's always a girly scream when he's involved.
13) Skinner is none too thrilled about the brutality charge, although Scully covers for Mulder by claiming she was with him on a stake-out. Given the circumstances, Mulder has been warned to stay away from Tooms. This means Tooms is free to get his fifth liver first chance he gets. And when his court-appointed psychiatrist shows up and Tooms' POV goes grey, you realize:
A) Tooms is going after the wrong psychiatrist. After all, it's LECTER who keeps eating all his livers.
B) What a tweest! ...no, actually, it's not. And this is 1994, we can't be joking about M. Night's stuff for another five years.
C) Dana's cover story would have been more believable if it had involved a hotel room where the bed used Magic Fingers.
14) The forensics stuff that's been happening in the background of the case, oddly enough, brings up proof that Tooms ate a body that had been buried in concrete since 1933 - don't forget, Tooms is effectively immortal by eating five livers and hibernating for thirty years - and now with physical proof in hand Mulder and Scully go racing off with a warrant to arrest Tooms. Only to find the remains of a dinner involving fava beans and an empty bottle of Chianti. You:
A) Are done with the Silence of the Lambs references. Okay, there. Got it out of our system, okay?
B) Realize that if they time it right, they can catch Tooms napping in a post-dinner food coma and hold him in his cell while he sleeps it off for thirty years.
C) Think this is an appropriate time for Dana and Fox to exchange a meaningful hand-hold. Then again, EVERY time is an appropriate time for Dana and Fox to exchange a meaningful hand-hold (see that, Korrasami 'Shippers! We were pining for hand-holds before most of you were even born!)
15) Mulder deduces that Tooms has to hibernate in the same area every time as part of his biology, so they hurry back to the place they knew his underground nest was. Only the building had been torn down and replaced by a brand new office building complete with fancy escalators and everything. You:
A) Gripe about the most unbelievable aspect of this whole episode: there is NO WAY a construction crew in a major city would get a new office skyscraper up THAT quickly! Not in six months! Are you kidding? With all the cost overruns, and workers' strikes, and mafia kickbacks, and local ordinances getting rewritten every other city meeting, and...
B) Wonder why Baltimore architecture looks so much like Vancouver's...
C) Are upset they didn't put up a fancy 5-star hotel with penthouse suites that Dana and Fox can crash for the night. (weeps)
16) Going down means going under the escalators (FORESHADOWING) to get into where Tooms' nest once was. Mulder goes in, gun drawn, crawling from a cramped mechanical service tunnel into a rocky, muddy pit covered in goo. He reaches this odd, human-sized cocoon at the end of the tunnel. As he checks the surface, seeing if there was any way to... TOOMS CLAWS OUT OF THE COCOON AND ATTACKS MULDER! You:
A) Shout "YOU DROPPED YOUR GUN AGAIN MULDER!" Oh, wait, this might actually be the first time he does this. My bad.
B) Shout "TOOMS USES SLIME SURPRISE! IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!" Whadda ya mean, Pokemon didn't exist back then...?
C) Shout "AAAA! FOX NEEDS A HUG!" ...Well, he does...
17) Aren't you stretching out this chase scene through the slime tunnel a little too much?
A) Yes.
B) I saw what you did there.
C) You should be stretching out scenes involving Dana and Fox talking about iced tea, root beer and trust dammit.
18) Mulder gets out from underneath the escalator and Scully hits the Power ON button. Tooms gets caught in the gears and moving panels, screams as he stretches beyond even HIS limits, and his body gets yanked into the maw of an unyielding death machine. As the goo spills UPWARD by the treads of modern innovation, you think to yourself:
A) Metaphor, the man consumed by the ever-advancing march of technology. A force of nature - an eating machine that consumes other men is itself consumed by the creations of men. That the machine transforms itself by motion, by transference of others, this too transfers its victim from... from... why the hell am I writing a dissertation on this?!
B) BEST. KARMIC DEATH. EVER.
C) Whew! Now we can get a shot of Dana and Fox getting into "Glad To Be Alive Sex!" ...whadda ya mean, what show? What's this How I Met Your Mother show all about? Why are you referencing Doogie Howser, and who's this Willow...?
19) Skinner is reading the final report on Tooms - the evidence, the victims, the final fate - and closes the file with a grimace. The Smoking Man walks into camera shot, looking wistfully out Skinner's window. Skinner turns and asks, "Do you believe all this?" The Smoking Man turns and answers, speaking for the first time. "Of course I do." You realize:
A) The Smoking Man is truly dangerous: he knows Mulder speaks the truth, and he knows Scully speaks the facts. That he recognizes their potential means he can be their greatest opponent...
B) William B. Davis got a pay raise for getting speaking lines! WOOT! Good for you!
C) That report really wasn't about Tooms: it's the Smoking Man's twelve-part fanfic story about Fox and Dana that he wanted Walter to beta-read!
20) The episode ends with Mulder contemplating a moth's cocoon while Scully tries to get him to focus on the next case. You end it with:
A) A challenge to the show's creators to give Scully more opportunities to kill monsters with heavy machinery!
B) A promise to the readers of this blog that you'll get more 'Shipper Surveys done! (looks at personal schedule of getting five separate works of literary fiction completed before November's NaNoWriMo's demanding time constraints). Ummmmmm...
C) A call for more iced tea! NO MORE ROOT BEER! DAMN YOU NOROMOS.
If you more often than not answered:
A) You are a Scully fanatic with an unlimited supply of fresh trout for slapping non-believers.
B) You are a Monster of the Week taking notes about how NOT to get killed by Mulder and Scully. Step One: Avoid escalators...
C) You are a Senseless 'Shipper who fell in love with the idea of falling in love during the iced tea/root beer scene. And someone who's stopped drinking root beer for some reason.
What do you think, sirs?
And what a Monster of the Week. This is the first re-visit of an enemy in Victor Eugene Tooms, a most memorable X-File antagonist that set the standard for what to expect from an MOTW. So. Let's begin.
Senseless 'Shipper Survey - TOOMS Oh SSSSSSSHHHHHIIIIIIIII...
1) The episode begins with Mulder taking Scully out to a dinner and a movie. You:
A) See B)
B) See C)
C) Slap the 'Shipper Survey writer. Stop inserting your own damn fanfic and stick to the plot!
2) We are re-introduced to Tooms, an... unusual human being capable of stretching his entire body like taffy in order to sneak through openings no normal human could consider. Such as that food tray door of his prison cell RIGHT AS WE'RE WATCHING OMG. You:
A) Panic and lock the doors.
B) Panic and superglue all the air vents shuts.
C) Relax because Tooms is in a secure psychiatric facility in Baltimore MD and they never have any successful escapes. Just ask Dr. Lecter over in Cell Block B... uh, doctor? Doc? Where did he AAAAAAAUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH (gets liver eaten with fava beans and a nice Chianti).
3) After credits, we find Agent Scully called to the carpet of an Assistant Director - no more Section Chief hand-holding for you, Dana, you're moving up in the world! - by the name of Skinner. You:
A) Worry that Scully's getting re-assigned to Donal Logue's task force hunting down future outdoor locations for Fox's planned There's-No-Batman-In-This series that should be starting its second season any day now!
B) Don't wanna spoil anything for the new fans binge-watching the series, but just wait for the season where Walter shows off his abs and undies...
C) Worry about those damn Walter-Dana 'Shippers still out there! NOOOOOOooooooo...
4) After the setup foreshadowing the remainder of Season One's arc, Mulder is busy testifying at the preliminary hearings for Tooms' case. Asked to present what he knows about Tooms' possible criminal misdeeds from the episode "Squeeze", Mulder just... uh... well, let's look at this:
 |
| From Shaenon's epic Monster of the Week site. |
B) Yup. That's pretty much how the set extras behaved during the episode broadcast...
C) Dammit, Fox, didn't you see Dana's dropping hints for you to TONE THE SPOOKY STUFF DOWN A NOTCH... sigh...
5) Scully chews Mulder out for overdoing his testimony. Mulder argues that he spoke to the truth. You:
A) Suggest Scully bring a fresh trout to the courtroom and slap the Punk with it next time he speaks out of turn. NO JURY WOULD CONVICT YOU SCULLY.
B) Suggest that more biological evidence and physical testing should have been presented in the courtroom. Why the hell was it all pinned to what Mulder had to say...?
C) Suggest Dana and Fox cool down at the nearest hotel that has beds with Magic Fingers thingee.
6) Scully decides to go hunt for more clues. While she goes and rounds up the retired cop Frank Briggs that helped out in the earlier episode, you want her to also round up:
A) An elite task force of expendable warriors! Dana's Dirty Dozen!
B) Those four teens riding around in a funky painted panel van and pot-ingesting Great Dane that keeps saying (blocked from quoting due to copyright violations).
C) A caterer, a banquet hall, a priest, witnesses, family members, Best Man, Maid of Honor, some kids to toss flowers, and just to keep Fox happy an Elvis Impersonator. ...what?
7) Tooms somehow gets his job back with Animal Control, cleaning up poor critters left as road-kill. As he spends a moment enjoying a mid-work coffee break (and light snack) you:
A) EEEEEWWWWWWW
B) NO NOT FLUFFY!
C) Make damn sure Tooms is not the caterer for the Dana-Fox wedding.
8) Tooms begins to focus on a fresh target walking down the street. His POV shows the world turning grey while his potential victim remains in perfect highlighted color. Suddenly, Mulder pops up to harass Tooms by asking after a missing dog: "His name is Heinrick. He's a Norwegian Elkhound." Tooms scurries away in frustration. Mulder can't help but rub in: "I use him to hunt moose!" You shout back:
A) "Stop describing yourself, Moose!" (note: fan nicknames of the power duo are Moose and Squirrel, you get two guesses who is whom and any sarcastic answer gets you a fresh trout slap)
B) "A moose once bit my sister!" (note: true story. I *did* shout that when I watched this episode during broadcast)
C) "Dammit, Fox, you know perfectly well Dana doesn't support moose genocide!" (note: the moose are the only defense we have against Wendigo incursions)
9) After a busy day of digging up evidence, Scully re-teams with Mulder as he stakes out Tooms' halfway home. Scully brought food and drinks for the stakeout, and also a warning: That Skinner is
A) Scully that it's either this or being on rarely-watched episodes of Hannibal!
B) Mulder that it's either this or tacky episodes of Californication.
C) the NoRomos they better not ruin the next three minutes for the rest of us!
10) Scully tries to call her partner by his first name "Fox".
Mulder: "I made my parents call me 'Mulder'."
You respond:
A) "So how quickly did you get disinherited, you ungrateful bastard?"
B) "Damn. Even after what happened to your sister, that had to make Thanksgiving dinners a bit awkward, you think?"
C) "But what's it gonna look like on the Marriage Certificate, Fox?!"
11) Scully: "Mulder, I wouldn't put myself on the line for anybody but you."
(Incredibly poignant shared glance between the two)
Mulder: "If there's an iced tea in that bag, it could be love."
Scully (digging through the dinner): "Must be fate, Mulder. Root beer."
You:
A) See B)
B) See C)
C) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
 |
| All you Korrasami fans got off easy. ...wait, lemme rephrase that... |
12) Mulder gets sent home without his iced tea. Unfortunately, Tooms follows him (ohcrap) and is able to sneak into Mulder's apartment (ohsssssssshhhhhiiiiiii...). When it turns out Tooms is doing it to frame Mulder with a false brutality charge, you:
A) Sigh in relief that Scully doesn't have to retrain a new Agent partner, but on the other hand she STILL doesn't have a desk! /preteractive fuming
B) Worry that Tooms could have swiped Mulder's infamous porn stash while he was there. October 1988 *was* a good month, dammit.
C) Were using a girly scream. This is Fox we're talking about, there's always a girly scream when he's involved.
13) Skinner is none too thrilled about the brutality charge, although Scully covers for Mulder by claiming she was with him on a stake-out. Given the circumstances, Mulder has been warned to stay away from Tooms. This means Tooms is free to get his fifth liver first chance he gets. And when his court-appointed psychiatrist shows up and Tooms' POV goes grey, you realize:
A) Tooms is going after the wrong psychiatrist. After all, it's LECTER who keeps eating all his livers.
B) What a tweest! ...no, actually, it's not. And this is 1994, we can't be joking about M. Night's stuff for another five years.
C) Dana's cover story would have been more believable if it had involved a hotel room where the bed used Magic Fingers.
14) The forensics stuff that's been happening in the background of the case, oddly enough, brings up proof that Tooms ate a body that had been buried in concrete since 1933 - don't forget, Tooms is effectively immortal by eating five livers and hibernating for thirty years - and now with physical proof in hand Mulder and Scully go racing off with a warrant to arrest Tooms. Only to find the remains of a dinner involving fava beans and an empty bottle of Chianti. You:
A) Are done with the Silence of the Lambs references. Okay, there. Got it out of our system, okay?
B) Realize that if they time it right, they can catch Tooms napping in a post-dinner food coma and hold him in his cell while he sleeps it off for thirty years.
C) Think this is an appropriate time for Dana and Fox to exchange a meaningful hand-hold. Then again, EVERY time is an appropriate time for Dana and Fox to exchange a meaningful hand-hold (see that, Korrasami 'Shippers! We were pining for hand-holds before most of you were even born!)
15) Mulder deduces that Tooms has to hibernate in the same area every time as part of his biology, so they hurry back to the place they knew his underground nest was. Only the building had been torn down and replaced by a brand new office building complete with fancy escalators and everything. You:
A) Gripe about the most unbelievable aspect of this whole episode: there is NO WAY a construction crew in a major city would get a new office skyscraper up THAT quickly! Not in six months! Are you kidding? With all the cost overruns, and workers' strikes, and mafia kickbacks, and local ordinances getting rewritten every other city meeting, and...
B) Wonder why Baltimore architecture looks so much like Vancouver's...
C) Are upset they didn't put up a fancy 5-star hotel with penthouse suites that Dana and Fox can crash for the night. (weeps)
16) Going down means going under the escalators (FORESHADOWING) to get into where Tooms' nest once was. Mulder goes in, gun drawn, crawling from a cramped mechanical service tunnel into a rocky, muddy pit covered in goo. He reaches this odd, human-sized cocoon at the end of the tunnel. As he checks the surface, seeing if there was any way to... TOOMS CLAWS OUT OF THE COCOON AND ATTACKS MULDER! You:
A) Shout "YOU DROPPED YOUR GUN AGAIN MULDER!" Oh, wait, this might actually be the first time he does this. My bad.
B) Shout "TOOMS USES SLIME SURPRISE! IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!" Whadda ya mean, Pokemon didn't exist back then...?
C) Shout "AAAA! FOX NEEDS A HUG!" ...Well, he does...
17) Aren't you stretching out this chase scene through the slime tunnel a little too much?
A) Yes.
B) I saw what you did there.
C) You should be stretching out scenes involving Dana and Fox talking about iced tea, root beer and trust dammit.
18) Mulder gets out from underneath the escalator and Scully hits the Power ON button. Tooms gets caught in the gears and moving panels, screams as he stretches beyond even HIS limits, and his body gets yanked into the maw of an unyielding death machine. As the goo spills UPWARD by the treads of modern innovation, you think to yourself:
A) Metaphor, the man consumed by the ever-advancing march of technology. A force of nature - an eating machine that consumes other men is itself consumed by the creations of men. That the machine transforms itself by motion, by transference of others, this too transfers its victim from... from... why the hell am I writing a dissertation on this?!
B) BEST. KARMIC DEATH. EVER.
C) Whew! Now we can get a shot of Dana and Fox getting into "Glad To Be Alive Sex!" ...whadda ya mean, what show? What's this How I Met Your Mother show all about? Why are you referencing Doogie Howser, and who's this Willow...?
19) Skinner is reading the final report on Tooms - the evidence, the victims, the final fate - and closes the file with a grimace. The Smoking Man walks into camera shot, looking wistfully out Skinner's window. Skinner turns and asks, "Do you believe all this?" The Smoking Man turns and answers, speaking for the first time. "Of course I do." You realize:
A) The Smoking Man is truly dangerous: he knows Mulder speaks the truth, and he knows Scully speaks the facts. That he recognizes their potential means he can be their greatest opponent...
B) William B. Davis got a pay raise for getting speaking lines! WOOT! Good for you!
C) That report really wasn't about Tooms: it's the Smoking Man's twelve-part fanfic story about Fox and Dana that he wanted Walter to beta-read!
20) The episode ends with Mulder contemplating a moth's cocoon while Scully tries to get him to focus on the next case. You end it with:
A) A challenge to the show's creators to give Scully more opportunities to kill monsters with heavy machinery!
B) A promise to the readers of this blog that you'll get more 'Shipper Surveys done! (looks at personal schedule of getting five separate works of literary fiction completed before November's NaNoWriMo's demanding time constraints). Ummmmmm...
C) A call for more iced tea! NO MORE ROOT BEER! DAMN YOU NOROMOS.
If you more often than not answered:
A) You are a Scully fanatic with an unlimited supply of fresh trout for slapping non-believers.
B) You are a Monster of the Week taking notes about how NOT to get killed by Mulder and Scully. Step One: Avoid escalators...
C) You are a Senseless 'Shipper who fell in love with the idea of falling in love during the iced tea/root beer scene. And someone who's stopped drinking root beer for some reason.
What do you think, sirs?
Sunday, August 9, 2015
I Deny Their Reality and Substitute My Own 'Ship
Liars. Liars and Pharisees, all of them:
This cannot happen. We cannot let the NoRomos win.
Love is dead. Or at least abducted by aliens. According to Entertainment Weekly, the returning show is going to turn the clock back on Mulder and Scully’s relationship. I’m more upset about this than I am some real-life break-ups.
The first hint was in a clip shown at the Television Critics Association press tour, which showed Mulder and Scully having a huge fight, which included Mulder trying to convince her that some conspiracy was man — not alien — made. And Scully? Scully refers to herself as Mulder’s “friend and partner.” Entertainment Weekly then got confirmation from a source that the two aren’t in a relationship anymore.
Back in the past, middle school me just got really depressed and she doesn’t know why. What a sad day for the fandom that made “shipper” and “shipping” popular terms. Whatever. We’ll always have MSR fic.
This cannot happen. We cannot let the NoRomos win.
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