Thursday, June 30, 2016

X-Files: Monday 'Shipper Survey

Wait, have I done this before...?

X-Files: Monday 'Shipper Survey

1) Police cars pull up to surround a bank in DC. Skinner arrives to appraise the situation. A strange blonde woman approaches begging Skinner not to let it happen "again." Inside, we see Agent Scully checking a wounded man who turns out to be Agent Mulder. On the verge of tears, she tells the gunman he's "in charge" and "you don't have to do this." As the police storm the building, the gunman says he has to, and hits the switch to the bomb strapped to his chest. Ka-boom. You:

A) Weep for the deaths of the Blessed One and the Punk, and wonder if the Pope will waive the five-year waiting period to declare Scully a Saint of Enigmaticism

B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...

C) Weep for the end of the show now that Dana and Fox are gone...and despite the gentle caresses she kept giving her wounded partner up to the explosion, we never did get anything resolved sexually...<tears flow>

2) The credits roll. You:

A) Shout at the screen, "Dudes! Mulder and Scully are dead! The show's over! You can go home now!"

B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...

C) Wonder how the show can continue now...maybe with Skinner and the Lone Gunmen...but then, any sexual tension would...oh GOD NO! Well, not that there's anything wrong with it...<muttering "damn slashers!">

3) Suddenly, we see Mulder asleep, stirring, finding something wrong with his...waterbed? (SEE "Dreamland Pt.2") He gets up to find a serious leak, which has spilled onto the floor, has splashed onto his alarm, and (finding out from the downstairs neighbor) soaked through to the apartment below. When his cell phone falls into the water, you:

A) Pity the poor Punk. This just isn't his Groundhog's Day, is it...<tsk> <tsk>

B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...

C) Sigh with relief! It had all been a wet dream! Dana and Fox are going to use that waterbed after all! Well, right after Fox patches the hole...

4) Mulder shows up late for work. He quickly tears into his envelope, pulling out a check which he immediately endorses. Scully shows up, and he apologizes for missing some meeting. She notes the meeting isn't really over yet, they're having a coffee break. Mulder explains how horrible his morning ("Any moment I'm about to burst into song") has been all because of a leak in his waterbed. Scully's eyes light up as she asks when he ever had a waterbed. You:

A) Worry the Punk is going to start singing the theme to "Shaft" again...oh GOD no...

B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...

C) Reply "Hey, forget the 'when he got it,' and consider the 'when he'll offer to show it off to you,' Dana! And don't forget the handcuffs!!!" <kinky sigh>

5) Mulder gets to the bank, but so does the mad bomber and the mad blonde Pam, who seems upset. She also seems to know what people are saying as they say them, although when Mulder walks by he glances at her with an odd look of recognition, something she never expected. The mad bomber goes in, struggles with a note, then goes for his gun doing an old-fashioned hold-up. Mulder goes along with it, until Scully shows up. You:

A) Shout "Scully! Use the Force! Pull that gun out of his hand!"

B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...

C) Shout "Dana! Fox! They've got a great deal on first-time mortgage rates for newlywed couples at this bank! Go for it!"

6) Mulder gets shot. Scully does she can to care for him, checking his wound, cradling his head in her arms (hey!), caressing his cheek (HEY!), etc. She tries to start a conversation with the robber, asking for a name (she guesses "Steve"), telling him not to go through with what he's doing. The teaser repeats itself: the police storm in, Bernard hits the switch, end of show. You:

A) Wonder who the hell "Steve" is...must be a first cousin living in Virginia who has membership in this bizarre esoteric society covering up some dark secret in Rennes-le-Chateau...oh, wait, that's this writer's fanfic stories. Never mind...

B) Get the feeling you've had this question before... and that you've seen that Bernard guy hang out with moose in Alaska...

C) Get the idea of this story, that it'll repeat this scenario until something right happens, so you're cool about Dana and Fox blowing up. What gets you all hot and bothered was watching Dana take care of Fox! <faint>

7) Mulder wakes up. His waterbed has hit an iceberg again. He's not having any fun this time either. You:

A) Want the Punk to have learned one thing for this go-around: direct deposit!!!

B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...

C) Wonder if there will be a re-start where Dana wakes up in the bed next to Fox...oh, IF ONLY!!! <deep sigh>

8) This time around, Mulder's phone rings a second time. Believing it either to be the peeved downstairs neighbor again or a miffed Scully wondering how late he'll be, he refuses to answer it, taking a moment to trip over his shoes again. The camera cuts to Pam, who is trying to call Mulder this time and warn him not to go to the bank. When she hangs up before Bernard catches her doing it, you:

A) Know damn well the Blessed Skeptic might be a saint, but all patience flies out the window when the Punk fails to show up for the Third-Longest-Meeting in FBI History! <mutter> <grumble>

B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...

C) Worry that Pam was calling Fox's 1-900 number! Fox! No!...:-(

9) Mulder is back to get his check, except this time he rips a corner of it. Scully shows up, Mulder apologizes for missing the meeting, but Scully replies "Well, not yet, but only because it's the longest in FBI history." (Writer: what? It broke the record? Call Guinness Book of World Records! Woo-hoo!) Mulder asks if she "ever have one of those days you wish you could rewind and start all over again from the beginning?" When she says "Yes. Frequently," You:

A) Cheer the fact that she DOES want to become a spokesperson for the Ab-Roller! Woo-hoo!

B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...

C) Weep and collapse before the television, because Dana has her regrets about her relationship with Fox! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo...

10) They discuss fate versus free will. SCULLY: "No, I think that we're free to be the people that we are: good, bad or indifferent. I think that it's our character that determines our fate." MULDER: "And all the rest is just preordained? I don't buy that. There's too many variables. Too many forks in the road." He mentions how he wanted to be on time for work but how his waterbed's leaking changed all that. Scully is still surprised to hear he has a waterbed. He adds he has to go to the bank to cover the check he had to write for the damages, making him incredibly tardy for the meeting. When Scully asks AGAIN, "Since when did you get a waterbed?" You:

A) Quip, "Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other, I've seen a lot of strange things, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful Force controlling...everything. There's no mystical energy field that controls MY destiny..."

B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...

C) Get all excited. Dana's fixating on the waterbed! She wants to see it! She wants to USE IT! And she's bringing the handcuffs! YES!!!! <faint>

11) Mulder ignores the waterbed query to finish him argument for free will. He points out Scully could easily have stayed in medicine and not gone into the FBI, meaning no X-Files as we know it. Scully still thinks it's Fate. MULDER: "Free will. With every choice, you change your fate." When Scully grabs the check and replies, "Then let's change yours. I will deposit your check. You gather your files, go to Skinner's office, and give your report before he takes it out on both of us," you:

A) Know the real reason Scully is willing to go to the bank for Mulder isn't to test his concept of Free Will, it's so she can get out of that Godawful meeting and let the Punk suffer through it instead!

B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...

C) Wonder what it would have been like without Dana's decision to join the FBI creating her destiny with Fox...hmm. It would have meant the executives at the FOX Network would have successfully petitioned Mulder's partner to be a leggy blonde...Oh GOD NO! <powerful wave of nausea> Dana, it's a good thing you made this choice! <sigh of relief>

12) Mulder realizes he signed the check's stub and not the check itself. He runs after Scully to the bank, but Pam confronts him, begging him not to go to the bank. She figures he's the only one who might understand what's going on: that he goes to the bank, something bad happens, and "we all die." When Mulder gets this look on his face, you:

A) Interpret it to mean "So who's being Spooky now? I hate it when other people are weirder than I am!..."

B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...

C) Know he really wants to get to the bank so he and Dana can pose as a married couple to get that great deal on a vacation loan to Jamaica! <deep sigh>

13) There's a gunshot. Mulder goes in to the bank. A woman has been shot and Mulder and Scully are in a standoff with Bernard. When Bernard hears the cops are on their way, he hits the switch. Boom. End of show. You:

A) Wonder what Gillian will do next now that the show's over...maybe do a few more romantic yuppie movies, try out for a role in that epic "Lord of the Rings" production perhaps, hey, they ought to be looking for a few good Jedis for Episodes Two and Three of the Star Wars saga!... (note: this is years before her upcoming gig as Media for American Gods)

B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...

C) Hope that this time Fox wakes up with Dana in that leaky waterbed!!! <hopeful grin>

14) The newspaper delivery guy shows up to deliver the paper. Then he does it again. He does it a third time, suggesting we've had three re-starts since the commercial break. You:

A) Realize there must have been a version where Skinner goes to cash the check, where Frohike goes to cash the check, where Skinner goes to cash the check, where...hey, am I repeating myself here?!?!?!

B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...

C) Wonder if there was a version where Skinner goes to cash the check, or if Frohike... damn causality loops! We'll never get out of this temporal distortion field that trapped the Enterprise-D!

15) We get the same-old. Mulder's bed has a leak. But this time, our focus shifts to Scully, who gets a warning "not to go to the bank" from Pam who sneaks into the Hoover Building as a tourist. Scully gets confused but just shrugs it off as "just another wild and wacky day with the X-Files." She finds Mulder in the basement, working on his check, and he suddenly gets a feeling of deja vu. They talk about the concept of "deja vu," where Mulder brings up the Freudian concept of repressed memories and a desire to change a wrong in the past, while Scully assumes it's just a chemical reaction in the brain causing memory glitches. When Scully finds out Mulder has to go to the bank and she warns him of the weird message she just got, you:

A) Wonder how Pam got a Tour pass so quickly that morning, and how she was able to sneak away from Bernard in order to make her warning, and why they didn't scan her for chronoton particles at the main gate, and...

B) Get the extremely bizarre feeling you've had this question before...

C) Worry that this time Dana didn't have a chance to express an interest in Fox's waterbed. Nuts! And they were doing such a good job of flirting this time! (Writer: for those of you just joining us this evening for like the first time ever, it has been an established fact that when Dana and Fox discuss/argue their opinions on philosophical issues, it really means they are flirting. So there.)

16) Mulder tries the ATM, but it's broken. He sees Pam and tries to find out why she warned his partner. Pam explains it to him, as he's the only one who seems to understand: this day has been repeating itself over and over because Bernard blows up the bank. He blows it up because Mulder and/or Scully show up to interrupt his bank robbery attempt. They all relive this day because it wasn't supposed to happen that way, but for some reason she is the only one who remembers anything. She tears up, convinced that they are all in Hell, and she is the only one who knows. You:

A) Know that the idea of Hell was born from an undigested apple turnover. Yes! We get in a quote from "Moby Dick!" Woo-hoo!

B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...

C) Realize the true reason Dana and Fox keep reliving this day is because Fox hasn't figured out yet how to become a better person, thus winning Dana's true love so he won't have to keep waking up alone in that Pennsylvania inn! Oh, wait, that's "Groundhog Day" starring Bill Murray and Andie McDowell. Well, it could apply here!

17) Mulder goes to the meeting instead of the bank, but he finds that Scully went off to look for him at the bank. He hurries back over to catch Bernard being distracted by Scully and shoots him before he can shoot her. Bernard is still alive and hits the switch. As Mulder stands there repeating to himself "He's got a bomb he's got a bomb he's got a bomb (Ka-BOOM)," you:

A) Know if the Punk hadn't shown up Scully would have disarmed Bernard and deactivated the bomb! That's why they keep repeating this day! <trout-slap Mulder> Next time, stay out of it!

B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...

C) Notice that Dana and Fox were going to sit next to each other at the meeting! Giving them ample opportunities to pass notes under the table and discreetly rub their ankles together! <swoon> Now, if only they can be there at the same time!!!...

18) Here we go again. Mulder. Leaky bed. Wet floor. He hurries to work, gets the check, and hurries out, this time saying little to a confused Scully. Pam has returned to her situation in the car, crying uncontrollably convinced nothing will change and she's stuck in Hell. Mulder comes by, recognizing her, but she no longer cares and lets him go into the bank. He passes Bernard, and as he starts repeating to himself "he's got a bomb he's got a bomb he's got a bomb," you:

A) Wonder why the Punk can remember that but keep forgetting to tell the poor Saint a simple "Thank You" from time to time?! Damn Punk! <trout-slap>

B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...

C) Worry that Fox was looking at Pam the wrong way...Dammit, you Punk, no more fake blondes!!!

19) Mulder calls Scully (who seems relieved) out of the meeting to go get Pam from the car. Mulder surrenders his gun to Bernard before he can act, calmly telling him he doesn't have to do this. Sadly, Bernard goes through with the robbery again. Scully brings in Pam, and reacts to Bernard by pulling her gun. Both Mulder and Pam try to talk Bernard out of this, Mulder exclaiming the fact that this day keeps repeating for Pam and that this is Hell for her. When Bernard hears the sirens, he pulls the trigger. Pam steps into the path of the bullet. Bernard, stunned, falls helplessly to his knees. Scully checks Pam's pulse and calls for a paramedic, but steps away to give Mulder a chance to check Pam, who smiles and notes "this never happened before." You:

A) Task the Saint (Yes, HER) for forgetting her medical training by walking away from a wounded victim! What, she only takes care of the Punk when HE gets shot? Dammit, Scully, do your job! <mutter> <grumble>

B) Get the feeling you've... Hey! What's been going on around here?!?! Who's been shot? What day is it? How long have I been sitting in this La-Z-Boy chair?!?!

C) Hope this means the causality loop is over, and that Fox can take Dana back to his place to show off the waterbed! At last! And Dana still has her handcuffs! YES!!! <faint>

20) Mulder wakes up...on his futon. His phone rings, and it's Scully wondering how late he's going to be this time. She warns Skinner wants a report on what happened at the bank, and how Mulder knew there was a bomb and that Bernard had an accomplice in the car. Mulder says Pam wasn't an accomplice, she was "just trying to escape." You conclude:

A) With the thought that all of this could have been avoided if Bernard had gotten that job with the telemarketers selling aluminum siding and...and...oh, wait, they don't have a decent pension plan because all the workers end up zombie-fied. Hmm...

B) Thank God the causality loop is closed so you can get on with your life That's right. Not much of a life if you keeping watching the same X-Files episode over and over and over and...

C) That Fox didn't get to use his excuse of a leaky waterbed to sleep over with Dana. DAMN!

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSE member who wondered what the show would have been like if Scully had gone into medicine instead of the FBI...Uh-oh. Visions of that show "Providence" are flashing before your eyes... AUGH

B) Then you are a fan of other sci-fi/fantasy shows who gets the feeling you've seen this episode before... <trout-slap> But it's TRUE!!!...

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's worried Fox has gotten rid of that waterbed once and for all, and now won't be able to show it off to Dana like he was fated to! And she was bringing her handcuffs too! NUTS! <mutter> <grumble>

So, this IS the first time I'm reposting this, right...?

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

I Think Gillian Posed for This Photo BEFORE Getting the American Gods Gig

So we all know GA is signed up to play the New Goddess Media for the upcoming American Gods miniseries.

There's an infamous bit where Media tempts Shadow while posing as Lucille Ball.

Shadow might go for it when she does.

Monday, June 20, 2016

X-Files: Chinga 'Shipper Survey

So, one of the things that happens with a successful horror/sci-fi/supernatural show getting into later seasons is that the producers get desperate for gimmicks and attention grabbers to avoid flagging ratings. Sometimes in the form of guest stars (Burt Reynolds?), or wacky crossovers (X-Cops) or Sweeps Week Lesbian Kissing (it has its own trope).

Sometimes it's in the form of famous horror/fantasy writers contributing a script, bringing in their own brand of character tics, plot devices, and bloody mayhem.

So of course they called in Stephen King.

"Can I do it about food?" He probably asked Chris Carter.

"What are you, Weird Al?"

"Can I at least set the story in Maine, even though there's no godforsaken reason to set a story there?"

"As long as you don't set it in Cabot Cove and violate Murder, She Wrote copyrights, knock yourself out!"

And so he did. And after waking up from the concussion, he wrote this script.

Which begs the question: WHAT THE HELL IS A CHINGA?

Senseless 'Shipper Survey- Chinga

(note: this was still early into Season Five when I didn't draw out the surveys into more than 20 questions or so. I've also cleaned up some of the survey with better details and hopefully funnier punchlines...)

1) As the show opened with a bratty little kid and her evil Twilight Zone doll wrecking havoc in a grocery store, your first thought was:

A) "At last! An X-File where St. Scully solves something without getting angsty!"

B) "Did Stephen King ever get ripped off at the local Publix or something? He really has it in for grocers..."

C) "Wait! That woman looks like Samantha! Dana will find her, end Fox's quest, and allow themselves the chance to settle down and develop a relationship! Yay!"

2) When Scully drove into town, convertible top down and classical music playing, all fashionable in blue jeans and t-shirt, did you:

A) want to buy a touristy t-shirt yourself so you could emulate the enigmatic one

B) wonder how much the gas costs in Vancouver... uh, Maine

C) know that Fox was beeping on the cell phone with helpful tourist tips and a possible marriage proposal (we have, after all, read the SPOILERs)

3) Scully calls in the bizarre mutilations and death in the grocery store. Mulder rattles off the X-File idea of witchcraft. Scully counters by rattling off everything she knows on the occult- and brother is it everything, like so:

SCULLY: Like evidence of conjuring
or the black arts
or shamanism,
or any kind of pagan
or neo-Pagan practice.
Charms, cards, familiars, blood-stones,
or hex signs
or any of the ritual tableaux
associated with the occult,
or any high or low magic?

MULDER (aroused): Scully... MARRY ME.

You wanted Scully's response to be:

A) "Not now, Mulder, I'm solving the case."

B) "I'm grateful that my arcane knowledge impresses you. Does this mean I can have my own desk now?"

C) You wanted Dana to say "YES!", but you were too busy overdosing on orgasmic bliss to care! 

4) Typical as always: Scully finally gets in a good bath and the phone starts ringing. Your response to the entire situation is to:

A) Call up to the show with a Scullyrita recipe so the Blessed One can enjoy that too while she soaks

B) Wonder at the impressive bubble placement in the bathtub!

C) Want Dana to answer the phone, dressed conservatively of course, so she can hear Fox offer more possible solutions and almost certainly another marriage proposal...(sigh)

5) More bizarre deaths in a small Maine fishing community. Who could possibly solve it? (informed this is getting too close to copyright violations) When the town sheriff asks Scully if she's technically still on vacation, a subtle asking for her help in this case, did you:

A) Celebrate yet another "authority figure" bowing before the wisdom and strength of St. Scully

B) Realize that Scully wasn't wearing the t-shirt anymore, proving that she already knows the vacation is shot to bleep

C) Worry that "Jack" and Scully were getting a mite too familiar with each other...EEEK NO NOT THE RIFT

6) Scully finds out the doll the little girl lugs around everywhere wasn't bought in a shop or a yard sale, but recovered mysteriously by her now-dead father who dragged it in off a fishing net. You realize:

A) Scully had it lucky: Her father brought her GI Joe action figures from the Navy commissary!

B) Isn't it typical for East Coast fishermen to be dragging in devil dolls like that? But wait, devil dolls weren't in season that month!

C) That Fox hasn't called back with another marriage proposal. Maybe he's shopping for a ring first...

7) Scully and Jack the Sheriff arrive in time to see the devil doll force the poor mommy to hit herself with a hammer. As Scully politely asked the little girl for the doll so she could toss it into the microwave, you realize:

A) St. Scully has the patience of a...well, saint. :)

B) That somebody should have made the mental connection before now: doll, dead people, doll, dead people, evil doll = lots of death, Hey Jack toss that doll into the microwave, will ya?

C) Dana's real good with children, if only she accepted that marriage proposal from Fox and settled down in Montana to raise Emily hybrids...(sigh)

8) Mulder has been left the whole weekend watching bee movies (NO NOT THE BEES), bouncing the ball, and sharpening the pencils. Scully arrives having defeated the forces of darkness, finally asking about his poster and discovering the bizarre case of pencils being where they shouldn't be. Your closing thoughts were:

A) "See? The PUNK doesn't know what to do with himself while the Enigmatic One's away! And that wouldn't happen to the pencils if they had a proper storage area, like Scully's new desk, hint hint!!!!!"

B) "Who helped Stephen on the story? It looks like...Darin?!? At least it wasn't Shiban!..."

C) "Who cares about the pencils? Dammit, Fox, make that marriage proposal again!!!!"

If you more often than not answered:

A) then you are an OBSSEr who's grateful Scully knew how to play with dolls

B) then you are an X-Phile oddly surprised that a guest writer didn't stick up the place with his first script

C) then you are a 'Shipper wondering why Dana didn't say YES dammit to Fox's marriage proposal, and Valentine's Day right around the corner and everything...(here's your Sweeps Week ratings grabber, network execs! Weddings!)

Now, who wants pictures of Gillian as Lucille Ball?

Friday, June 3, 2016

We Kind Of Already Knew Scully Was a Goddess, So...

While news about The X-Files hangs on a day-to-day prayer, there are other productions of highly-prized geekery underway:

Deadline reports that Gillian Anderson will play Media in the Bryan Fuller-created Starz adaptation of Neil Gaiman’s American Gods. Nice.
In Neil Gaiman’s book, Media is the face/PR person of the New Gods. She’s manipulative, savvy, and draws power from the attention people give to various forms of new media. I think this role will give Anderson a chance to show off a different side of herself than we’ve seen in her recent roles, and I’m pumped that she’s re-teaming with Fuller after the pair worked together on Hannibal.

Have you read American Gods? It's got more trope sub-references than a Dennis Miller standup routine back when Dennis Miller was sane. And the character of Media is a twisted, snarky dark goddess that Gillian can chew her teeth on.

"Media. I think I have heard of her. Isn’t she the one who killed her children?"
"Different woman," said Mr. Nancy. "Same deal."
Just don't ask about the bit with Lucille Ball.

You know who could give Darin Morgan a run for his money on an X-Files script? Neil. This is a guy who's written some key screenplays for Babylon 5 and Doctor Who. So where's Neil when you need him...?

Oh, hanging out with Tori.