Monday, July 25, 2016

X-Files: Pine Bluff Variant 'Shipper Survey

One of the horrifying things about reprinting these Senseless 'Shipper Surveys is coming across aged and decaying references to things you can't even conceive once existed.

Yes. I am talking about versions of Microsoft Windows that predate XP.


Also, welcome to the part of the X-Files that's all gross-out freak-out. But this is honestly one of the better ones!

Senseless 'Shipper Survey- Pine Bluff Variant

1) As the episode begins with Mulder jogging through the parks of Washington D.C., we realize we're spying on a surveillance operation conducted by Skinner with Scully sitting in the control van keeping track of the suspect. As one of the suspects suddenly goes into convulsions and dies, everything goes crazy, with Mulder chasing the prime suspect and Scully chasing Mulder. You note:

A) That Scully is once again running in high heels, and is doing a damn good job of it.

B) That the image of the Capitol Dome in the distance was computer generated because you saw it waver and a Windows95 image flashed in the corner

C) That Dana and Fox would have done a better surveillance job in the park if they were there as lovers on a picnic... sigh...

2) Scully is watching the surveillance tapes, noting how Mulder actually talked to the prime suspect before he escaped. Mulder arrives to pick up papers from his desk, evading all the questions she has about his activities. You shout:

A) "Dammit, Scully, shoot the Punk!"

B) "Dammit, Mulder, a simple `It's not what you think I can explain it later' would suffice!"

C) "Dammit, you two, clear off that desk and use it for a quickie!"

3) You watch the credits across the screen during the high-level meeting and see this: "Written by John Shiban". You:

A) See B)
B) See C)
C) Scream your damn bloody head off in sheer terror (note: Shiban is the one responsible for some of the weaker episodes in X-Files canon. To wit: killer kitties.)

4) Mulder drives off to a roadside motel for a late night... something. You determine:

A) That it's a good thing Scully followed him to make sure he doesn't go all Led Zep and trash the place

B) That he's really there to watch "Love Confessions" on Cinemax

C) That Fox planned on Dana to follow him, and he'll eventually invite her in for some red wine, sob stories about prom nights, and intense (deleted to protect younger viewers)

5) Scully confronts the motel manager about Mulder. He asks, "You the wife?" She replies (in THE perfect tone of voice) "Not even close." You:

A) Cheer for the Sainted One

B) Roll on the floor laughing your ass off

C) Burst into tears...if Dana feels that way, then... then... (sniff) (cries)

6) Mulder is dragged off by the militia group Losers-R-Us for some finger-breaking torture and pinochle. You:

A) Stoically nod to yourself: sure, Mulder's a good guy and doesn't deserve to get tortured, but the Punk's been asking for it since Season Three

B) Realize poor Mulder's free-throw shooting is going to suck from now on

C) Realize Dana's REALLY got to give him some hugging this episode

7) Mulder returns to his darkened apartment, finding Scully waiting there. She's found out he's under orders by Skinner in a deep cover operation to break the militia group and stop their bio- warfare terrorism. She sees the broken finger and earns her doctor's pay cleaning the wound and setting it. You:

A) Praise her for her saintly patience and maternal healing qualities

B) Wonder if anyone's ever going to clean off that "X" symbol on the window

C) Watch them sit in the darkness holding hands and talking about trust, finally fainting away in orgasmic bliss

8) Mulder goes back to the militia group to set them up for a future sting, while Scully goes back to investigate more dead bodies and figure out how they were killed. As the action picks up, you come to the conclusion:

A) Scully will solve this case like she always does, and it still won't get her a desk

B) Shiban's script doesn't suck this time

C) That they shouldn't have cut away from the scene where Dana fixes Fox's finger because you're damn sure they made sweet love afterwards

9) Mulder is forced to wear a Dracula mask and help the militia break into a federal reserve. Scully waits for Mulder before suddenly realizing how the militia has been killing people. You note:

A) That Scully's psychic abilities aren't just a plot device but a sign of the Enigmatic One's powers

B) That a Stormtrooper mask for Mulder would have been more kick-ass

C) That Dana seems to do her best thinking at roadside motels, so she and Fox should hang out at those places more often... (wink) (wink) (nudge) (nudge)

10) Mulder has been betrayed, caught on tape confessing his deep cover role to Scully. His betrayer, however, turns out to be working for the CIA, which had funded projects on developing the killer bacteria. He escapes to meet up with Scully so the two of them can berate the government official that had set them all up in order to contaminate evidence of a large-scale shadow ops fund. As the episode ends with the last surviving militia man dying from the bacteria, you realize:

A) That Scully had already proved the CIA was behind it all, but she just needed the Punk's hands-on observations to back her up

B) That all Shiban has to do is not write about killer kitties or guys with fungus faces and he just might be a half-decent writer

C) That, even though Skinner has heard from Fox by now, Dana should still go by to feed his fish... and check his fingers... and hold his hands and give him a nice hug and (writer is dragged away from computer terminal and forced into a nice, comfortable straitjacket)...

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSEr who knew the Punk would be trouble this episode, but as the Enigmatic One is a forgiving sort you'll cut Mulder some slack (for now)...

B) Then you are an X-Philer who finally doesn't have to equate Shiban's name with "killer kitties" anymore... well, unless the FX channel shows a repeat (shudder)...

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's convinced the CIA double agent captured a lot more, uh, talking yeah that's it talking, between Dana and Fox on that tape recorder of his (veery wicked grin)...

Sunday, July 10, 2016

X-Files: Kitsunegari 'Shipper Survey

I have to note this upcoming survey was for a pretty weak episode. A sequel to one of the best episodes "Pusher", this was an unwelcome follow-up to what had been a powerful stand-alone Monster of the Week story. It wasn't particularly inventive with the plot or the twists and scary deaths. So if the survey seems flat, the episode was flat.

Oh, one other thing: I like the color blue, but I liked it waaaaaaaaay before I even started watching the Cerulean-Files. Uh, I mean X-Cerulean. Uh, is a gentle breeze. Wait. WAIT MY MIND IS MY CERULEAN BLUUUUUUUeeeee (drools)

X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: KITSUNEGARI

: SPOILER Space for those who watched Babylon 5 instead...

: In SPOILER SPACE noone can hear you say "I'm fine, Mulder"...;-)

1) As the episode opened with the first look at the blankless stare of Robert Patrick Modell, the Pusher, your first thought was:

A) "Gee, he looks about as emotional as all of the characters are going to get this episode!"

B) "Cerulean! Cerruuuuuulean..."

C) "Oh, BOY! More hand-holding by Dana and Fox!!!"

2) As Mulder, Scully, and Skinner detailed the search team on the hunt for the escaped Pusher, did you:

A) Want Scully to finish off the speech-making with a Psalm quote and a hearty "Let's go get that bastard!"

B) Find yourself flashing back to that Babylon 5 episode where...oh, wait, cerulean...cerruuuuulean...

C) Wait for the officers to leave so Dana and Fox can get close and whisper their thoughts and theories to each other in a highly romantic setting like somewhere behind the boiler

3) As they found the prosecutor dead of paint ingestion, you found yourself focusing on:

A) The byzantine, surreal Japanese writing on the wall, hinting at the darkness to come against our heroes

B) The paint was cerulean blue! Cerulean.......

C) The fact Dana knows what a wedding ring looks like, and hope that prefigures something to come...(deep sigh)

4) As Mulder stumbled away from his confrontation with Modell, a blank expression on his face, did you:

A) Want Scully to slap him right then and there

B) Wonder if he's switching the color of his Speedos from red to cerulean blue...cerulean...

C) Want Dana to hug him and console him and tell him he'll be fine and then (deleted to protect sensitive X-Philers)

5) When Mulder determined that the prosecutor's wife (I call her Pushyr) was the real culprit even though Scully disagreed and Skinner ordered him off the case, did you:

A) say to yourself "What the hell has gotten into you, Punk?!"

B) mutter "brush...paint...cerulean..."

C) run screaming from the room yelling "Oh GOD NO! THE RIFT! THE RIFT!!!"

6) As the physical therapist calmly reached for the fuse box, your first thought was:

A) "Oh MY GOD! Her's name's really Kenny! You bastards!!!!"

B) You had no thoughts... your mind is blank expect for the color blue... ceruuulean blue...

C) "Scully, I had to call and check on you. By the way, does your cell phone have a surge protector?..."

7) As Pushyr came to visit Pusher in the hospital, as Modell slowly died under the watch of his sisterly feminine half, did you:

A) Wonder why this was the most emotional moment in an otherwise flat and unemotional episode

B) Think only of... you know the color by now!!!

C) Hope that Fox will recognize and accept his feminine half in Dana and finally quit his job, settle down with Dana on a small farm in Montana, and raise an army of Emily hybrids

8) When Mulder watched "Scully" shoot herself in the warehouse, your first thought was:

A) "That'll never happen! The Enigmatic One can never be pushed!!!"

B) -blank stare-

C) "NOOO! Now Fox is stuck with the UNiBlonder!!! NOOOOO!"

9) As the real Scully shot the real Pushyr standing behind Mulder, your reaction was:

A) "At last! Scully gets to shoot a blonde!!!"

B) Standing at attention and singing "Inna Gadda Da Vida" in German. I have no idea why.

C) Sigh with relief that Fox had enough sense to hold his fire and that Dana had enough practice with her aim!

10) As the episode ended, with Mulder pondering a possible defeat even though he won Pushyr's game, your final thought was:

A) "He would feel that way. Everybody's emotions have been whacked out of orbit this episode..."

B) "I will avenge my mistress Pushyr upon you... cerulean... ceruuuuuulean..."

C) "Oh NO! He's referring to the RIFT!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!...." (weeps uncontrollably)

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSEr who's confused by all the emotionless acting this episode

B) Then you are a mind-slave of the Pushyr and will paint your house/ apartment/ college dorm cerulean blue before getting dragged off by the OBSSErs assigned to capture all of Pushyr's victims

C) Then you are a 'Shipper terrified of one unmentionable plot development...that...that...NOOOOO, the RIFT IS RETURNING! (runs) (hides) (watches the dance scene from Post-Modern Prometheus to stay sane)

Just remember, kids: Cerulean Blue is a gentle breeze... a gentle breeeeeeeeze... CEERRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUULEAN...