Thursday, April 23, 2015

The X-Files: Fallen Angel 'Shipper Survey

Note: As mentioned before, I started the Senseless 'Shipper Surveys during Season Five, meaning the earlier seasons had to be done as recaps via repeat watchings on VHS (and later DVD sets).  I never found the time to do all of the earlier shows: I'd be busy writing the surveys during normal seasons, and when I could find the time once the show was over my interest had waned and I had moved on in my life (to a new job in particular).  As a result, I don't have that many Season One recaps done as 'Shipper Surveys.  This one here represents the last original one during the show's run.  From here it jumps to Season Three for a few scattered entries, and then Five onward.

Just sayin', now I do have motivation to get more episodes of Season One surveyed for 'Shipper pleasure... >:-)


1) The episode begins within a military radar station, as concerned technicians get worried over something...spooky. Even with the calm, assured presence of a high-ranking officer, the crew remains nervous until one of them notes, "It's the same message, over and over: Mars...Needs...Women." When this happens, you:

A) Rip the videotape out of the VCR and slap your MST3K-obsessed roomie with it (only because your trout's stuck in the freezer)

B) Imagine yourself filming a re-make of that trashy '60s movie, improving upon it with a stellar cast made up of Salma Hayek, Jennifer Connelly, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Love-Hewitt, and...and...well, IT COULD HAPPEN...with Lili Taylor as the kick-ass fighter pilot, okay?...

C) Point out that Fox needs a woman too, and that those damn filthy Martians ought to keep their pseudopods off Dana!!!

2) Okay, after the real opening with crashing UFOs, conspiratorial officers whispering code words like "fallen angel," and screaming innocent bystanders getting microwaved, the show proper begins with our intrepid hero Mulder sneaking into the forests of British Col...uh, Wisconsin, egged on by Deep Throat into infiltrating a massive military operation led by sinister Col. Henderson. When Mulder gets in far enough to take pictures of the smoking, foam-covered remains of a UFO, you realize:

A) That the bloody Punk forgot to bring Scully to see the UFO! Dammit, he always ditches her whenever he goes off to get proof, and then he whines about how she never believes him! Duh, no wonder!...

B) That your esoteric knowledge of Fifties sci-fi movies tells you that the radioactive fields surrounding a UFO will fog any camera film, and that poor Mulder will have nothing to show for his efforts

C) That when the soldiers sneaking up on Fox are done pummeling him like a dirty rug, Dana will show up to provide some tender lovin' care...(deeeep sigh)

3) After a fruitless interrogation from Col. Henderson, Mulder is tossed into a holding cell next to another prisoner, an energetic paranoid from NICAP named Max Fenig (Scott Bellis). Even after two minutes of interaction between the cool Mulder and whacked-out Max, you note:

A) That Scully is probably better off with that guy she dated in "Jersey Devil" than with either of these clowns

B) That conspiracy buffs ought to find something more fun to do on a Friday evening than sit in a makeshift jail cell talking about which UFO-hunting group has a better pension plan

C) That whomever answers A) on this question should be boiled in baby oil for their NoRomo transgression...I mean, that guy in "Jersey Devil" was so damn dull!!!

4) Dawn comes, and with it a sense of reality, especially as Scully storms into the jail cell to chew Mulder out for interfering with a military operation. Mulder says the cover story of spilled toxins is a lie. Scully agrees, but stands by the "secret" that a Libyan pilot carrying a nuclear warhead crashed into Cheese Country for the reason Henderson and his buds are scouring the woods. You take this into account and decide that:

A) Scully is, sadly, wrong: the military is actually there to get easy seating at the Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field to watch the Packers against the, wait, that will never work, you can't scare Packer fans off with something as lame as "toxic spills"...

B) Mulder is, sadly, wrong: the military is actually there to stop Celine Dion from crossing the Canadian, wait, Minnesota and Michigan are between Wisconsin and Canada, right?...hurm...

C) Dana and Fox are, sadly, unable to make out: Max is in the next jail cell and it wouldn't be right to disturb his beauty, wait, Max is gone...GO FOR IT, GUYS! (hopeful grin)

5) While a nearly-invisible fiendish thingee is running through the forests, Mulder and Scully head back to Mulder's hotel, Scully insisting that she drag Mulder back for his inquisition before Section Chief McGrath and Mulder insisting they take another 24 hours to find out what's going down along the shores of Lake Michigan. As Scully threatens to drag Mulder back to D.C. if she had to and Mulder smirking over her starring in her own version of Jack Nicholson's classic movie "Last Detail", you consider:

A) If seeing Scully impersonate Jack in the axe scene from "Shining" is enough to make the Punk come quietly back to Vancouv...uh, D.C.

B) If you haven't seen this scenario too many times in all those 80's buddy pics: two mismatched cops working to solve a case in 24 hours before Internal Affairs shuts down the rule-breaking detective division that always cuts the pair some slack because they get the job done...theme song with Glenn Frey, soundtrack by Tangerine Dream...

C) If Dana and Fox shouldn't come up with better ways to use 24 hours by themselves in a hotel room in the middle of Wisconsin...(wicked grin)

Insertion: If you want to know what the nearly-invisible fiendish thingee REALLY looks like, well... SPOILERS.




6) Mulder and Scully stare in shock at the wrecked hotel room. You say to yourself:

A) "It's a good thing you don't share hotel rooms with this slob, Scully..."

B) "Gonna be real hard to find that mint on the pillow...gotta find the pillow first..."

C) "Okay, whoever finds the bed first gets to be on top...(sigh)"

7) They catch Max trying to climb out the bathroom window. He reveals his knowledge of Mulder's work on the X-Files, keeping track through the Freedom of Information Act gaining access to travel expenses. Max then turns and says, "So this must be the enigmatic Agent Scully." As Mulder shoves poor Max back into his chair, you reply with:

A) A hearty "Yes! Scully now has her own nickname! Enigmatic! No more `Mrs. Spooky'!!!"

B) A sarcastic "Gee, Mulder, you're probably regretting those video rentals you billed the government during that last trip to Atlantic City..."

C) A disappointing "Nuts! Max didn't mistake Dana for Fox's wife like so many other guest stars on the show!.."

8) An eager Max shows off his trailer, distracted at first with showing off pictures of crop circles to Mulder for his opinion. While the guys try to impress each other with their arcane knowledge, Scully notes the medication Max is taking. Mulder then asks for whatever Max wanted to show, which seems to be transmissions Max intercepted from the local police and fire safety frequencies. As they stand there, listening to the screams of innocent victims, you take time to note:

A) That Scully, thankfully, won't have to argue with the Punk about crop circles; even he doesn't buy into them

B) That Max housecleaning skills need improving...those dust bunnies shouldn't move like that...

C) That eager grin on Fox's face when they entered the trailer means he likes this kind of lifestyle...hope Dana enjoys cross-country trips in RVs...

9) While Mulder and Scully hunt through the evacuation centers for the surviving family members of the victimized sheriff's deputy, the military is closing in on the fiendish thingee. The lights flicker, the audio equipment is overwhelmed by a high-pitched broadcast, and Col. Henderson orders his troops in. As the unsuspecting soldiers get flambeed, you:

A) Wait for Scully to argue with Mulder that flickering lights do NOT mean aliens are standing by the light switch

B) Wonder why the troops don't wear infrared goggles when they know they're hunting an invisible...oh, because they're EXPENDABLE, just like those Redshirts on "Star Trek"...

C) Wish that Dana and Fox whip out their flashlights and keep repeating things like "I'm over here, Mulder" and "Take a look at this, Scully" because we know that's how they flirt in the dark...;-)

10) Mulder and Scully make it to the hospital to query the doctor who witnessed the burn victims from the night before. They're present as Henderson brings in his wounded, horribly cooked soldiers. Mulder rags on the colonel, debating his use of force, getting the officer mad enough to order the two agents out of there. The doctor, needing all the help he can get, demands that Scully stay to help. As the scene grows tense, you whisper to yourself:

A) "That's right, Scully can save those lives! She is, after all, the Enigmatic One!"

B) "Dammit, Mulder, do not argue with a man who carries more firearms than you do!"

C) "You notice how Fox goes quietly when Henderson gives in to the doctor's demands? It shows he's not about to ruin Dana's moment! Oh, that's love...(sigh)"

11) Mulder makes it back to the hotel in time to find Max suffering a seizure. Max reveals how he's always been subject to epileptic fits since he was a child, waking up in bizarre places with no memory or reason. As Mulder helps the poor guy get some rest, he notices a mark underneath Max's ear. As the realization dawns that Max is more than he seems, you discover:

A) That Scully's earlier notice of the medication means she'll discount any wild claims the poor Punk is going to make

B) That you've been scratching behind your ear a bit too much lately...uh-oh...

C) That Fox has a surprising amount of paternal qualities, qualities that may yet impress that redheaded partner of his...(deep sigh)

12) Scully comes back to find Mulder pulling up off his computer other cases of abductees with similar marks as Max's: Max is an abductee. Of course, Scully and Mulder argue about it. You note:

A) That you were right: Scully's knowledge of pharmaceuticals has prepared her to point out how delusional Max can...oh, so it's MULDER making the claim and not Max? Well, then, Scully's going to hafta check Mulder's medicine cabinet when they get back...

B) That Mulder should have brought Max in on the argument, instead of leaving him in the trailer where any extraterrestrial could waltz in and abduct the poor guy...

C) That all the arguing is, thank God, how these two flirt...with luck, we'll see some hand-holding afterward...(drool)

13) Max disappears before Scully can check his ear. They overhear on Max's scanner that Henderson's troops are closing in on the poor guy. Mulder races back to his car and insists on Scully giving him the car keys. You respond:

A) "Dammit, Scully, keep the keys! It's your turn to drive!"

B) "Hurry, guys! Two more soldiers named Private Expendable and Corporal Sucker have just spotted Max!"

C) "Guys! Save the back seat for later!"

14) Mulder and Scully race to find more dead soldiers and poor Max flipping out in an abandoned warehouse. Scully goes for help but gets caught by Henderson's troops, leaving the warehouse surrounded. Mulder is left to stop the invisible fiendish thingee, which flips Mulder over some crates rather than cook him. Mulder lives to see Max levitating in the light, possessed by the alien, his body convulsing as he ascends into the brightness above. As Henderson arrives too late, you ponder:

A) That Scully would have been a better witness to Max's Christ-like ascension from the earthly plane...oh, wait, this wasn't a religious episode, it's a UFO mytharc episode. No WONDER she didn't see a thing!...

B) Why doesn't the alien microwave Mulder like it did all those other...oh, because Duchovny doesn't look good in body-scar make-up. No WONDER the worst he gets is a bad ankle and a lousy hair-cut!...

C) Whether or not Dana is going to treat Fox's bad ankle with a massage and gentle bandaging session...oh, so that's why Henderson still puts the two under arrest even though the whole thing's pretty much over. No WONDER they go back to D.C. handcuffed together by themselves in the back of an MP van giving them a chance to sit close and talk about their favorite beverages and...well, it COULD happen!...

15) We return to FBI headquarters. Scully is being grilled by McGrath for Mulder's illegal use of FBI materials and breaking of protocol. Mulder then gets his turn, knowing full well the matter is an inquisition, learning that Henderson's report "found" Max's body rather than admit he had been abducted. Mulder gets in his speech about the Truth before limping away. As he does so, you note:

A) That the Punk always gets to make the big speech! Poor Scully wanted to, but that jerk McGrath kept cutting her off. Damn patriarchal system!

B) That Mulder was wrong about the gallows being built in the town square for his hanging. This is, after all, D.C. and this is 1993, just as the Whitewater witch-hunt started up...

C) They did! They did come back to D.C. together in the back of an MP van, and she did get to treat him! After all, who do you think got those crutches for Fox? As a doctor, Dana does get a good deal on medical supplies...;-)

BONUS: McGrath storms across a deserted pavilion to confront the man who countermanded the order to fire Mulder and close the X-Files. Deep Throat replies that it is better to keep Mulder where he is, that his singular "passion" poses an unique dilemma, that somehow it's important for the conspiracy to keep Mulder at his task, under their watchful eye, unless he would fall in with the wrong people. As Deep Throat concludes by quoting "Keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer," you think to yourself:

A) That the conspiracy keeps overlooking Scully, the one person who can break the X-Files wide open with her strict rationalism and scientific understanding...the Punk is just her decoy to keep them all distracted while she completes her work...(maniacal laughter)

B) That the person McGrath has to talk to is the guy controlling the Nielsen ratings...if they can get the viewing average lower than a high schooler's average GPA, THEN they can close the X-Files!...(maniacal laughter)

C) That there's a better quote we should hear: "We are gathered here today to witness this union between Fox Mulder and Dana Scully..." (deep sigh)

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you were a part of the OBSS (Order of the Blessed St. Scully) who's grateful for Max, as you can finally add the "E" to your identity and be a full-fledged OBSSE (Order of the Bless St. Scully the Enigmatic) member!

B) Then you are an X-Philer who's damn sure you saw all those soldiers get killed off on "Star Trek: the Next Generation" the year before...

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's certain Max was able to get a CD player as a wedding gift for Dana and Fox before he left for Reticula...(sigh)

Monday, April 20, 2015

X-Files News: Skinner Time

Just a heads up:

Mitch Pileggi is set to reprise his role as FBI Assistant Director Walter Skinner in Fox’s upcoming revival of The X-Files, EW has confirmed. David Duchovny hinted at Pileggi’s return last month when he appeared on Late Show with David Letterman. Skinner became a fan favorite over the series’ nine-season run, moving from uptight boss to one of Mulder and Scully’s main allies, and was last seen in a brief appearance in 2008’s feature film I Want to Believe

While Pileggi may not be in his physical prime anymore (it's been close to 20 years, X-Philers), the fanbase is still a bit aflutter about this:

You can't begin to understand how the female fanbase reacted to a shirtless Skinner.
This is totally from Shaenon Garrity's Monster of the Week site,
which is the best - very snarky - recapping of the series (up to Season 4 though)
The art is Shaenon Garrity, she will absolutely sue me
for cropping this, but you need to know, people...
Skinner's Fist is honest to God great name for a rock band.  Just like Eve 6.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

The X-Files: Conduit 'Shipper Survey

Just as a reminder, I started the surveys in the Fifth season, so these recaps from Season One are following five years worth of additional continuity that hasn't happened yet.  Just treat it all as foreshadowing...


1) The episode begins quietly at an Iowa campsite, two kids sleeping underneath the stars amidst the Douglas Firs, their mother turning fitfully in her trailer bed. Suddenly, the trailer shakes, light shines through the windows, and a little boy is left screaming for his sister. As the frantic mother looks up toward the stars crying for her daughter, you:

A) Flash back to "Twin Peaks" and realize that the girl has gone to the White Lodge where she's dancing with a backwards-talking midget (insert slow rhythmic music here)...

B) Look at your maps and wonder where the hell in Iowa you can find a mountain lake campsite!...

C) Wish that Dana and Fox were at that same moment looking at the same stars and talking about their favorite flavor of tea...

2) Blevins has called Scully to his office, handing over a request by Mulder to investigate the girl's disappearance, which apparently has only rated a tabloid headline. Blevins then brings up Samantha, pointing out the similarities to argue that Mulder's request is based on personal motivation. As Scully pauses poignantly to reflect on what was shared in "Pilot", you realize:

A) That Scully is worried that this case might lead to erratic behavior out of Mul... Oh, wait, that happens every episode, she should be getting used to it by now...

B) That Scully's pensiveness is really because she's busy wondering how there can be a mountain forest range in Iowa

C) That Dana's flashing back to that conversation she had with Fox and thinking if this might lead to another bedside chat, this time with HIM in his underwear (very wicked grin)

3) Scully goes back to the basement to share Blevins' concern about Mulder's interest in the case. Mulder tries to point out the location they're going to (Lake Ocabachi, or Lake Oog-Goo-Cha-Chug) is a great place for trout fishing and a hot spot for UFOs. When Scully replies, "Define hot spot," you:

A) Realize where it is Scully gets her Holy Trout from, with which she can slap the Punk from time to time

B) Consider the dietary habits of those pesky Reticulans...liver, onions, fish...what, no vegetables?!...

C) Groan, "Oh, Dana, if only Fox COULD define hot spot, and even better if he could show you..." <insert Roy Orbison growl here>

4) Mulder has convinced Scully of the need to investigate. They travel to Iowa and interview a nervous Darlene Morris (Carrie Snodgrass), while Mulder tries to connect with an emotionally distant Kevin (Joel Palmer) who's busy drawing ones and zeros and who points to the static on the t.v. saying his sister is in there. When that happens, you:

A) Know that Scully would have had more fun investigating the 100-year-old woman with the lizard baby

B) Scream for Mulder to head up to the girl's closet, jump through the dimension portal into the Beyond, pull the girl away from the Light, and then drag everybody out of the house before it sucks itself into oblivion like what happened in "Poltergeist"

C) Realize that Fox really is good with kids, so he and Dana should be a decent, happy family once they get married, move to Montana and raise some hybrid clone children (sigh)

5) Our heroes check in with local law enforcement, and "Mister Congeniality" Mulder gets, um, undiplomatic with the sheriff. Scully tries to warn her partner not to antagonize the locals because they might need their help later on. Mulder mutters something about bundt cakes before spotting a note on the car window. As he grabs it and reads it, you're pretty sure the message is:

A) "From: CC. To: GA and DD. Script change now has Scully driving the car. Move that seat up, David."

B) The best recipe for bundt cakes this side of my mother's, and her bundt cakes are damn good, let me tell you!

C) "From: CC. To: GA and DD. Script change now has Dana and Fox falling in love. Pucker up, guys, and watch out for bees."

6) They follow a girl into a library, where she furtively gives our heroes some more information on Ruby. As she whispers about some guy named Greg getting Ruby pregnant, you notice:

A) That the girl doesn't seem too helpful as an informant...I mean, she's not tipping them off to hybrid clone experiments or anything like that...

B) That the shelving at that library seems haphazard at best, and there's no call number labels on those books, and the space between shelves isn't up to ADA codes...damn, these guys need to hire a Rogue Librarian (shameless plug alert!)...

C) That the library has a few great places to hide, where two agents could get together and, um, hold hands (I can't recommend anything 'shippier than that, because the Librarian Within Me knows the library is no place for whoopee. That's what White House office space is for!)...

7) Mulder and Scully find their way to the beer joint, which is actually called the Pennsylvania Hotel and Pub. As they make their way past the beefy biker brigands, you note:

A) That Scully can out-drink, out-fight, and out-ride these wimps! Yipee-Kay-Ay!

B) That "It's Raining Men" is one of the menu options on that jukebox! Woo-hoo!

C) That Dana and Fox are really here for one o' them back rooms, and they're signing in as "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" thank you so very much! Yeeeeeess!

8) Mulder spots a tattoo on the bartender, and by faking it as a Skeptic gets some info on close encounters out by the lake. For you, the tattoo scene:

A) Thankfully has no voice-over by Jodie Foster

B) Is a grim reminder that the current state of body art has woefully fallen from intricate Maori designs and beautiful oriental dragons to cartoonish UFOs

C) Proves that Fox shouldn't flirt with strange bartenders and should stick with cute redheads

9) Scully is stirred from her slumber by shadowy figures standing outside her window. As she kicks back the bedsheets and reaches for her gun, you realize:

A) The Blessed Skeptic even wears that cross to bed! (genuflect)

B) That if her friends and family members try to surprise her on her next birthday, they're gonna get a nostril stuffed with the working end of a Sig Sauer!

C) That Fox isn't in bed with her, even though the government agents (like everyone else knows, except for those accursed NoRomos) broke into Dana's room expecting him to be there. Girl, you guys might as well live up to expectations and start sharing the same hotel room!...(sigh)

10) Agents from the NSA are chasing after that sheet of ones and zeros Mulder got from Kevin. They storm into the Morris home, arrest the mother and child, and begin to smash everything in sight. Mulder, underacting as always, is disgusted by the senseless destruction and mayhem. You realize:

A) That the Punk is going to have to do more than pick up that piggy bank...he's got to vacuum the floor, straighten out the books, clean the coffee mugs...

B) That Mulder's really flashing back not to his sister's abduction but to the time his mom turned his room upside down looking for his stash of Playboys

C) That Dana and Fox should have stayed back at the hotel and tried out the set of handcuffs in Dana's room... (sigh)

11) The NSA agents finally release Kevin and Ms. Morris when it's found the data sheets are random digitized bits of information that, oddly, can be interpreted by computers as graphical and audio files. Mulder and Scully try to apologize to Ms. Morris, but she is too embittered now to listen. As she storms off, you see that:

A) Scully is right that the government should pay for the damages, in fact she's going to grab those NSA agents and force them to vacuum the floor, straighten out the books, clean the coffee mugs...

B) Ms. Morris didn't know about her son's stash of Playboys

C) Fox sees in Morris' anger a reflection of his own angst, and that Dana has seriously got to give the big lug a big hug (hey, that rhymes!)...(sigh)

12) Mulder drives Scully off to the lake, convinced there are clues there, that Ruby is an abductee, that Kevin is a conduit to whoever took her. Scully poignantly tells Mulder she knows why Mulder is so intent now on finding Ruby, that he is driven by his own demons. As the tension grows within the car, you shout to the screen:

A) "Dammit, Scully, get behind the wheel of the car next time and drive the Punk to the nearest psychiatric clinic!"

B) "That drive to the lake's gonna be a long one. Lake Okeechobee is all the way down here in South Florida! Oh, wait, I keep misspelling the lake name...sorry..."

C) "Guys! Relax! Just pull the car over, get in the back seat, and do some serious, um, hand-holding!"

13) They make it to the lake, where Mulder finds evidence of intense heat from the melted sand and the burnt treetops. A low growl catches Scully's attention, and the agents stand there as a white wolf comes out of the forest to stare at them. As the beautiful, almost haunting scene takes your breath away, you suddenly realize:

A) That GA would make for a damn good Red Riding Hood if Disney ever gets around to filming the story

B) There shouldn't be any mountains in Iowa! It's a Great Plains state! It's flatter than drywall!

C) That this would be a great place for Fox and Dana to camp for a long as it isn't UFO season...

14) Mulder finds a grave site, and starts pulling away the rocks. Scully tries to stop him, warning that he's disturbing a crime scene. Mulder turns to her, growling, "What if it's her? I need to know." You respond to this by:

A) Slapping your Mulder voodoo doll with a trout fresh from Lake Okaboingee

B) Pointing out Samantha Mulder was nowhere near...oh, wait, that's not the "her" he's referring to, is it?...

C) Demanding that Dana hold Fox's hand, distracting him long enough for the police to respond to the reports of gunfire filed by the other campers. Then, as the police take over the investigation, she can lead poor Fox to a nice, quiet part of the park, where they can watch the stars come out and move closer to each other, gently wrapping their arms around each other as they turn towards each other and slowly but surely lean in to kiss...OW! (writer gets stung by a bee) Oh, no............

after a brief medical emergency

15) The police arrive and crawl over the crime scene. Mulder and Scully stand to one side. Scully asks Mulder how he's feeling. "I'm fine," he mutters. You notice:

A) That the ratio of times Scully has said "I'm fine" compared to Mulder saying "I'm fine" over the full five seasons and movie is 135-to-1!!!

B) That the sheriff rubbed a dead guy's wallet against his chin! Eeeeeeeewww...

C) That Dana really needs to hold Fox's hand when she asks that: it improves the moment

16) They find evidence from Greg's body pointing toward the girl in the library. They drag in Tessa for interrogation, getting her to admit to being in the forest waiting to catch Ruby and Greg together, but that Ruby didn't even show. While Scully is convinced that Tessa's admission of killing Greg also points to her killing Ruby, Mulder is still convinced that Ruby has been abducted and wants to interview Kevin again. Scully calls out, "Mulder, stop running after your sister!" As Mulder turns to answer, you reply:

A) "He can't help it. She's got the house keys!"

B) "He's not running after her. He's after those Reticulans for not paying their bill on those liver-and-onion meals they ordered!"

C) "He has to find her. How else can he make sure she'll show up at the wedding?"

17) The make it to the Morris home, where they run past a satellite dish into an unlocked domicile. They find the family room floor covered with sheets of ones and zeroes, and poor Mulder just sits there, pondering it all. As Scully stumbles up the stairs, looks down and utters her trademark "Oh my God," you notice:

A) That it's always up to Scully to see something the Punk keeps overlooking

B) That satellite dish is pointed toward Wyoming. Hmm, and those ones and zeroes...they have to be earth coordinates. Quick, to Devil's Tower!...

C) That Kevin has a really good eye for art...reminds me of Impressionist style... (I know, it's not a 'Shippy thing to say, but needed to be said)

18) They race back to Lake Obi-Wan in twilight, where they find Ms. Morris slightly injured and Kevin stumbling further into the dark woods. Mulder chases after him, as the fog-filled forest is suddenly brightened by a distant light that moves closer. As Kevin calmly walks into the light as the roar of engines echoes through the trees, you think:

A) Those lights can't be a UFO...they only show up in the rear-view mirrors of Indiana Power and Electric repair trucks!...

B) At last! We get to see a UFO! Let's hope it doesn't look like a hubcap (again!)...

C) Dammit! All these bikers driving through the forest at night means this won't be a good place for Dana and Fox's honeymoon! Looks like they'll hafta do Niagra Falls like every other newlywed couple...

19) They find Ruby in a coma. Later in the hospital, Mulder notes some of the medical incongruities suggests the girl was exposed to prolonged weightlessness. They try to interview Ruby, but her mother intervenes. Eager to protect her children from the ridicule she herself had suffered, Ms. Morris refuses to cooperate or to tell the truth any longer. As Mulder gets that lost-puppy-dog look (trademark pending) on his face, you decide:

A) That the poor Punk deserves some sympathy this episode...but if he acts like a jerk in the next episode Scully should hurt him like a beast woman...

B) That the poor guy shouldn't have vacuumed the floor and cleaned the coffee mugs for her after all...

C) Poor Fox can't win for trying. He and Dana should retire, get married, and move to Texas where they can work as bounty hunters every week in FOX Network's next big hit "Red and the Fox: Hunters For Hire"!

20) Scully is seen back in the basement, looking at Samantha's X-File and listening to the therapy tapes where Mulder regresses back to the abduction. We still hear the tapes as the camera shifts to Mulder sitting alone in a church, weeping for his lost sister, his broken childhood, the shattered conch shell and the fall of the true wise friend Piggy. As the screen goes black with Mulder's haunting words "I...want to believe," we conclude:

A) That the writer of this survey should try reading "Moby Dick" more often instead of "Lord of the Flies!"

B) That if Mulder went to the National Cathedral he could have sat under the stained-glass window with a moon rock in the center of it! Cool!

C) That Dana, after listening to the tapes, should see the sad, sensitive side of Fox and conclude that he's not a jerk but obsessed with his work, and instead of dating divorced medical...oh, wait, that's NEXT episode...

Mulder's Puppy Eyes (patent pending)

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSEr who goes to Lake Ohmygod to get your holy trout

B) Then you are an X-Philer who thinks the subtle nods to "Close Encounters" in this episode would have been more fun if they included a wild UFO/car chase like Spielberg had in his movie

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's disappointed all the angst in this episode didn't equate into serious amounts of hand-holding...(sigh)

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

So Why Re-Boot the X-Files?

So why are the powers that be eager to bring back The X-Files? (and about 20-30 other popular geek shows)

1) Built-in fanbase.  Networks are quickly getting paranoid that fans are nitpicky and won't hook up on new, potentially good shows.

2) Over-saturated market.  About twenty years ago there were four major channels and not that many cable networks able to offer original programming.  Today, there's hundreds of cable channels out of which half of them can afford a handful of original dramas (and sitcoms), meaning there are over a hundred new television shows competing for eyeballs.  Making it worse are the streaming services: Netflix in particular is actively creating direct-download television series, some of them extremely popular.  And some of them are reboots (or carried over shows from the original major networks).  To guarantee at least an early round of profitable viewership, bringing back familiar series is the safest move to make.

3) Some shows are/were open-ended enough to allow a continuation of their narratives.  The X-Files in particular can jump right back into the alien seeking, monster chasing, conspiracy fighting plotlines with little or no exposition or back-history.

3a) On the other hand, some series did not end well or ended in a confusing fashion (hello, Heroes reboot!) and so need another go of episodes before the creators can feel comfortable they've entertained the fanbase.

4) The creators - producers and show stars - may feel comfortable again replaying their roles (or need the money).  There's been enough time in Gillian's and David's lives to look back on the stress and hassles of having played iconic characters like Mulder and Scully and feel good about reprising roles they'd gotten tired of playing.

5) We have yet to hit Peak Geek.  The market for science fiction and fantasy entertainment remains shockingly high.

6) Production values have improved.  Once-expensive SFX is now relatively cheap enough for big-budget programs like The X-Files to return at even better cost-to-effect ratios.

7) It doesn't hurt to keep brand items fresh on the market.  There's talk about trying to bring the Star Trek series back on the air after the massive collapse of fan interest in the shows post-Voyager and Enterprise.

This article from Entertainment Weekly discusses the surge in rebooting with a little more whimsy.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

The X-Files: Squeeze 'Shipper Survey

Now, back to the Season One madness:


1) The episode begins with your average corporate hack stumbling off to some overtime work at his office, with an eerie set of eyes following him from the sewers. Later, the same guy carrying his cup of coffee gets ripped to shreds behind the closed (and violently battered) office door. As the air vent is spookily screwed back into place from inside the vent, you realize:

A) That there's no way Scully is getting coffee for the Punk this episode

B) That it's too late for the victim to switch to decaf

C) That an episode beginning with Fox and Dana at a picnic would be nicer and less stressful

2) Scully is having a power lunch with Tom Colton, a fellow who graduated with her from the Academy. They rag on a fellow grad (whom Scully nicknamed "J. Edgar Junior") who "lucked" into a promotion. Then Colton rags on Scully's being on the X-Files, asking her if she wants to help on his case involving some grisly liver-eating murders in Baltimore and thus escape being "Mrs. Spooky" for the rest of her life. As she slowly contemplates her place in the universe, you wonder if:

A) Scully is going to trout-slap Colton for being such a jerk

B) Scully got all her fashion tips from her old bud J. Edgar Junior

C) Dana is willing to change her last name to "Spooky" since most professional women keep their maiden names nowadays

(note: Colton is played by Donal Logue, who's currently playing one of my new favorite characters over on my current fan-obsession show Gotham. One of the reasons I *like* Gotham is because Logue is nailing it as the ethically-challenged and sarcastically-gifted Harvey Bullock, and I knew him from this episode, so there's your trivia for the day.)

3) Scully shows up at the crime scene, with Mulder tagging along whining about her being asked to show and not him. Scully tries to calm him down by pointing out Colton's an old friend and that, yes, some agents are unnerved that Mulder's ideas are... "Spooky?" Mulder finishes, then quietly whispers "Do you think I'm Spooky?" You want Scully to answer:

A) "Yes. Now go get me a bagel with real cream cheese while I solve the case."

B) "Gee, I always kinda pictured you as Sneezy..."

C) "Yes...but I LOVE that aboot guys..." (grabs him) (gives him a big smooch)

4) Colton deridingly asks Mulder if "Little Green Men" were responsible, letting Mulder dig back with aliens actually being grey, due to the lack of iron in their diet ("Do you know how much liver and onions go for on Reticula?") . While Scully stands to one side pursing her lips and rolling her eyes, you:

A) Know the Blessed One is patiently waiting to get back to the basement before trout-slapping the Punk for making her roll her eyes like that

B) Curse NAFTA for not lowering the export costs of liver and onions

C) Wish Dana's lips were on Fox's (deeeeeep sigh)

5) Mulder comes away from the murder scene with an elongated fingerprint, which leads to X-File cases going back as far as 1903 with 30-year intervals. Even though he finds no evidence of alien involvement he still wants to claim the case away from Colton. Scully warns him about inter-office politics and that he's down in the basement because of it. As Mulder points out she's in the basement with him, you:

A) Want to blurt out a comment about her needing a desk if she's down in the basement, but you remember that this survey's after the "The End" fire and that she's more than likely got the desk by now, but knowing government bureaucracy she doesn't have a chair to go with it, those BASTIDS...

B) Wonder how anyone can have 10-inch fingers and not get an appearance on that godawful "Guinness Book" show on FOX Network...

C) Thank GOD that Dana and Fox ARE in the basement because it's a great place for them to have wild passionate sex and not let the Bureau wags hear about it...

6) Scully submits her own evaluation of the case, suggesting that they stake out the earlier crime scenes because serial killers usually return to re-live the thrill of the kill. Waiting in the car lot, she hears a noise and nervously pulls out her gun, slowly moving closer to the sound of footsteps as...Mulder steps out offering sunflower seeds and the admonition that the serial killer won't return. You shout:

A) "Shoot the Punk! He scared the *bleep* out of you!..."

B) "Keep it up, Mulder, and she'll hurt you like that beast woman from Episode Five coming up two weeks from now!"

C) "Dammit, Fox, don't offer seeds, offer an engagement ring!"

7) Walking away, Mulder hears noises of his own and gets Scully. They catch a guy climbing out of the air vent system. As other agents drag the guy off and as Mulder openly confesses "You were right, Scully," you:

A) Shout a hearty "Finally, he admits the Blessed One is RIGHT!" and drink a toast to the Skeptic Saint's moral victory

B) Wonder why there were so many agents in the basement and not one of them caught Mulder sneaking in, I mean, for crying out loud, he chews his sunflower seeds so loudly and all!...

C) Know now that Fox will later re-pay Dana for a job well done with a nice bottle of red wine and an offer of a gentle soothing neck rub...<sigh>

8) They learn that the guy is Victor Eugene Tooms, working for Baltimore's Animal Control and that he had a reason to be in the vents. The polygraph operator asks him two weird questions, especially one about Tooms being over a hundred years old. Colton and his supervisor get peeved at Mulder for that, even though Tooms lied on those questions and proved Mulder's theory of a hibernating liver-eating serial killer. As Colton chews out Scully for letting Spooky go too far, you:

A) Want Scully to use her mastery of the Force to choke Colton for his lack of faith

B) Want Mulder to take his shoes off and rub his socks under Colton's nose

C) Want Dana and Fox to wait until the room empties before cleaning off the table and getting in a quickie (pant) (pant)

9) Scully questions Mulder why he was so eager to push his theory when he knew perfectly well that the jerks in Violent Crimes wouldn't even listen. Mulder first points out that he believes Scully got the right perp, then brings up the point that having dealt with such closed-minded people that "the need to mess with their heads outweighs the millstone of humiliation." He grabs Scully's cross, adding that he knows she thinks he's Spooky too but at least she respects the journey, and if she wants to keep working with them, he'll understand. As Scully stands there, making a quick personal decision, you:

A) Wonder why Scully hasn't figured out what to do with her hair yet

B) Realize that Mulder has spent his whole life waiting to say the word "millstone"

C) Hope that Dana is thinking about (deleted to protect younger viewers) Fox and (additional material deleted, but sufficed to say it involves rope, a Wonder Woman outfit, and a month's supply of whipped cream)

10) As Mulder and Scully use advanced computer technology to discover that Tooms' fingerprint, when elongated, matches the fingerprints left from the earlier crime sprees, Tooms locates another victim and we watch as he ssssttttreetches himself to fit down the chimney. As victim number four screams for dear life, you ponder:

A) If Scully can whup Mulder's butt at Doom II

B) If the scene with the chimney would have worked better if the victim had succeeded in lighting the fireplace and sending Tooms off like a rocket like in those Tex Avery cartoons

C) If Dana can whup Fox's butt at Doom II...hey, just because there's UST doesn't mean they can't go head-to-head on video games!...

11) Colton is getting desperate to break the case, but the last thing he needs is Mulder to show up spouting more weird stuff. When he bitches to Scully, "Whose side are you on?" Scully replies, "The victim's." You respond to this by:

A) Trout-slapping that Colton voodoo doll you made in Shop in honor of the Blessed One's moral victory.

B) Basking in the knowledge that Mulder can now enter the crime scene and mess with the heads of the unsuspecting Baltimore police officers too

C) Making sure Colton doesn't get an invitation to Dana and Fox's wedding

12) Mulder and Scully finally make their way to Tooms' lair, crawling deeper and deeper into a pit of hell where they find the stolen "trophies" the serial killer took from the crime scenes. They also find that he's making a "cocoon," preparing to hibernate again for another 30 years. As Mulder does his best to wipe Tooms' bile from his fingers, you do your best to:

A) Remind the Blessed Skeptic to slap on the rubber gloves next time so the Punk can keep his manicure clean...the wuss...

B) Find the secret areas in this pit of hell so you can move to the Boss level in Doom II with the BFG and bonus health packs

C) Hope that Dana will take Fox back to her place to clean off that bile...and then open a bottle of wine and talk about, wait, that'll save until Season Four...

13) Mulder and Scully try to establish some surveillance on Tooms' pit, but Scully finds to her horror that Colton has gone over their heads and called off the extra detail. Scully chews him out for it, but he thinks it's his way of climbing up the professional ladder. She replies, "I can't wait for you to fall off and land on your ass!" As she storms out, you:

A) Trout-slap that Colton doll again and place him next to your other voodoo dolls Phoebe, Dr. Bambi, Det. White, Marita, Spender, and Fowley

B) Know that Scully wanted to say (many and varied expletives deleted) because she DOES come from a Navy family, but this is before "South Park" was even though of, so the censors weren't about to go for that...

C) Know that Dana is rushing off to find Fox to warn him of Colton's treachery and to ask if he's gotten around to placing on order on an engagement ring (hopeful sigh)

14) Mulder finds out on his own the surveillance is gone, and when he goes back to the pit he finds Scully's cross, indicating Tooms' next target. As he races off to save her, Scully has come back to her apartment and is preparing to draw a good warm bath after her chewing out of Colton. However, a convenient drop of bile onto her arm signals that Tooms is in da house and she scrambles for her gun. As Tooms strikes out at her from beyond the grate (bad pun intentionally inserted) and as Mulder races to the rescue, you:

A) Know perfectly well that Scully will have beaten Tooms to a pulp, have him handcuffed, Miranda-ed, and shoved into a microwave oven like a devil doll before the Punk can even try to kick the door down

B) Wonder why Scully doesn't pop out a can of "Die!Flea!Die!" and spray into all the vents, getting Tooms with toxic warfare...oh, right, she won't get Queequeg until Season Three...

C) Wish Dana and Fox can shove Tooms into the nearest closet so they can both jump into the bathtub and, uh, clean up...

15) The case is solved. Tooms is locked up, Scully is ready to start some tests on his genetic setup, and Mulder waxes poetic on the fate of all mankind (or at least on our home security devices). As our intrepid heroes exit stage left, you:

A) Ponder which saint that Scully has to pray to in order to protect her home from liver-eating mutants that can crawl through narrow air vents

B) Ponder why Mulder worries about other people's home security when his own place is regularly broken into, wiretapped, covertly watched, and stuffed with expired orange juice...Dude, fix the lock on your own door, okay?!?!

C) Ponder why Dana and Fox don't use this as an excuse to move in with each other into a beautiful two-story home with all the bells and whistles like couples always do in all these sitcoms on NBC

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an acolyte of the OBSSE who's horrified that the Saint didn't notice her cross was missing

B) Then you are an X-Phile who spent too much time playing Doom II and is now wasting time playing Quake II and who will most likely be playing (insert future Id Game Title here) when Season 12 rolls around (Note: actually, by 2004 it was City of Heroes, sigh)

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who knows already that Dana and Fox let that food slot door stay open so Tooms can escape for a sequel and give them a chance to sit in a car talking about tea, love, root beer, and fate...(deeeeeeeep sigh)

Friday, April 10, 2015

I Wonder How Many MegaCon Attendees Will Dress Up As Mulder and Scully?

This is a thing this weekend.

And I try to make it a yearly thing (I've skipped a few).

This will be the first year I've gone where The X-Files may be a big deal among the fanbase.

I might see cosplayers.

Remind me to take pictures...

Update: Sadly, nobody dressed up as Mulder or Scully.  Well, I hadn't, but I already planned on going as a Jedi (with lightsaber!).  I guess cosplay is months in the planning.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

The X-Files: Fight the Future AKA The Movie 'Shipper Survey

Contained below is the uber-massive 'Shipper Survey I wrote out for the X-Files movie that was released at the height of the t.v. show's popularity.  Given the length of the movie, and the importance 'shipping was made within the movie itself (the trailers promoted the tantalizing possibility Mulder and Scully would FINALLY kiss), this was an overwhelming project.

I hope you like.

I've got one mounted for the wall.

WARNING! The X-Files movie contains violence, profanity, naked Lone Gunmen, and intensely powerful hand-holding! Parental discretion is strongly advised! (there is profanity in this survey, seriously)

MOVIE SURVEY - Fight the Future

At last! The best possible way to understand your reaction to the movie!

Some SPOILERS for the sad, hapless people who HAVEN'T seen the movie...if you are one of those few, GO! GO NOW! GO FIVE TIMES! It's better than "Godzilla" (post-1998 note: yes it was)! Better than "Hope Floats" (post-1998 note: I never saw "Hope Floats")! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than "Insert Asteroid Disaster Movie Here" (post-1998 note: in hindsight, "Armageddon" was cheesy fun)! ;-) ;-)

For those who HAVE seen it five times, you can go again, this time using this as your helpful handy tool to follow the movie and annoy those sitting closest to you!!! ;_)

Oh, and in honor of the movie getting a good amount of profanity (damn TV Standards bureaucrats), the survey will have a few (just a few, mind you) 4-letter, 10-letter, and 50-letter naughty words ;-) ;-)

1) The movie begins with two fur-clad figures racing through the snowfield of North Texas in 35000 B.C. As you settle in with a bag of popcorn, you:

A) Wonder if Scully is anti-fur

B) Wonder who'll come dressed as cavemen to the midnight showing of this film

C) Wonder why the movie didn't open with Dana and Fox romping through the snow making snow angels like in the movie "Love Story" (sigh)

2) The hunters confront a lizard-like being with razor teeth and rending claws. You react to the scene by:

A) Giving a rational explanation of the lizard and pointing out the zipper on the rubber suit

B) Checking if the lizard has a fucking neck

C) Sighing because we haven't seen any hand-holding yet

3) The scene of the surviving hunter becoming infected by the oil alien segues into a scene of some kids digging a hole into the cave, one of them played by "Southern Gothic" alum Lucas Black. You respond with:

A) "Ha! I bet Scully did a better job digging out the caves of San Diego when she was their age."

B) "Someone's at the door someone's at the door someone...oh, wait, wrong show."

C) "Hey, where's Fox? Where's Dana? Where's the priest with that Maryland marriage certificate?"

4) Finally after a few scenes in the cave, we cut to downtown Dallas, which for some reason DOESN'T look like Vancouver. An FBI agent played by Terry "Don't Quit My Night Job With the Millennium Group" O'Quinn orders his agents to double-check for a bomb in the federal building. You note:

A) That the Punk's probably got the poor Saint stuck in a bathroom checking for cockroaches instead of the bomb

B) That you're still waiting for a musical number so you and your fellow Philes can dance in the aisles

C) That it's a good thing Dana and Fox are over in that other building that O'Quinn is staring at without others really spying on them, which means they can flirt and hold hands and (deleted to protect those under the age of 17 without parental supervision)

5) We cut to the annex where we are introduced to Agent Dana Scully (Emmy-winning Gillian Anderson) talking into her cel phone so she can argue with her partner. You:

A) Cheer the fact that the Blessed One starts the movie with her patented Scully Rational Explanation (trademark pending)

B) Refrain from shouting "Slut!" at the screen, even though she DOES look a bit like Susan Sarandon, because you know the OBSSErs in the audience will hunt you down with lethal trout

C) Know that Dana's SRE (trademark pending) is really her way of flirting with Fox (deep sigh)

6) Scully gets startled by her partner Agent Fox Mulder (GQ cover hunk David Duchovny), who jumps out at her from the shadows to give his explanation for searching a different building for the bomb threat. You:

A) Chant at the screen for Scully to push the Punk off the rooftop for that childish "Boo" of his

B) Refrain from shouting "Asshole!" at the screen, even though he DOES look a bit like Barry Bostwick, because you know the DDEBers in the audience will hunt you down with a wicked set of salmon

C) Know that Fox was really looking for a small, quiet place on the rooftop where he and Dana could flirt, uh argue, about what they were doing and end up, um, holding hands (vwg)

7) They continue arguing as they head off the rooftop, with Scully chiding Mulder about his being upset with the closing of the X-Files. Scully tries to open the door to the stairwell but it's stuck. Mulder checks it but finds the door wasn't stuck, that Scully was joshing him so she can say with a wicked grin "Oh, I had you. I had you big time." You note:

A) That the Enigmatic One knows how to get even with the Punk, yay!

B) That you and the other Philes will need to bring cans of WD-40 for future showings when this scene pops up

C) That Dana's going to sleep on top back at the motel...uh, on the top bunk! They've got bunk beds, yeah, that's the ticket!...

8) They make it to the ground floor where Scully keeps taunting him about the door gag, noting he looked scared. Mulder counters by saying the face he makes is this, and he stands still with a blank expression. Even as Scully adds that she saw him making that face, you:

A) Note that the Punk is merely giving the film critics more ammunition about his acting skill

B) Realize that Dr. Frankenfurter has perfected his statue-making machine

C) Wonder if he makes that face while having, holding hands with Dana, yeah that's it...

9) Mulder goes off to get a can of soda for Scully. When he finds the vending machine he plops in the change and...nothing happens. He gets a spooky feeling and checks behind the soda machine, noticing the plug is out. You:

A) Know the Punk just found the bomb but he still owes the Sainted Skeptic a diet coke

B) Wonder if he's going to get his change back

C) Sigh because Fox was being so nice about getting a soda for Dana (the NoRomo sitting next to you whispers that he was doing it because he lost a bet, but YOU know better...sigh)

10) Mulder calls Scully, warning her that he found the bomb and can't get out of the snack room. Scully thinks he's being funny, but Mulder starts counting down from 14 minutes as the camera closes in on the timer sitting inside the soda machine. As she notices the door's lock has been melted off, you:

A) Know that if the situations were reversed Scully would have defused the bomb before called her well as getting a couple of diet cokes in the process ("Watch out for that Mountain Dew, Mulder...")

B) Want Scully to whip out that axe and sing "Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really luv that rock n roll" as she whacks down the door

C) Realize that when this is all over Dana and Fox will do a lot of hugging and hand-holding...(sigh)

11) The bomb goes off. You watch the blockbuster scene unfold and:

A) Task the Blessed One for not getting in the driver's seat

B) Task the special effects people for not showing the building lift off for its return to the Galaxy Transylvania

C) Task Dana for not getting into the back seat with Fox...oh, sure, there's another guy in the car, but he'd have been too busy escaping the shockwave to notice the two agents, uh, holding hands, yeah, that's it...

12) Mulder and Scully are getting chewed out by yet another oversight committee, which is looking to place blame on someone...and two rogue agents seem to be the best possible scapegoats. As Mulder asks Scully not to let this divide them, and as Scully warns Mulder that it might do that as she ponders leaving the FBI altogether, you:

A) Realize that the Blessed One is serious this time about leaving to be a spokesperson for the Ab-Roller

B) Realize it's because she stumbled during her big dance routine during...oh, wait, that was Little Nell...

C) Realize to your horror that the RIFT OH GOD NO has made its big screen debut and it's made you spill your Mountain Dew...(sob) (whimper)...

13) Three words: Drunken Mulder Speech. As he rattles off his raison d`etre in a long-winded spiel designed to let non-Philes understand what the X-Files were all aboot, you take the time to:

A) Note that there should be a cross-cutting scene of Scully scarfing down a tub of cookie dough ice cream while tearfully explaining her role in the X-Files to a sympathetic Ma Scully (thus giving Ms. Sheila Larken a nice cameo appearance, natch!)

B) Join your fellow Philes in tossing around bags of beer nuts and hooting "Albatross for sale!" (I know, I know, there's no albatross in Rocky Horror, but I had to add a homage to Monty Python somewhere, and this seemed to be the best spot for it)

C) Tearfully ponder Fox's lament that "One is the loneliest number" (even though he's obviously plugging the soundtrack)

14) As Mulder goes off to salute Twentieth Century Fox's last summer blockbuster Independence Day ("Ready! Aim!..."), he meets a new deep source who looks suspiciously like a guy who did impossible missions back in the 60s. After he introduces himself as Dr. Kurtzweil, he mentions he was an old friend of his father's, and tells him that the people who supposedly died in the blast were already dead. As Mulder hails a taxi and drives off, heading for Arlington but then changing it to Georgetown, you respond with:

A) Questions like "Arlington? Didn't he live in Alexandria? And who the hell lives in Georgetown? His drug dealer?"

B) The theme from "Mission: Impossible" and shouted queries like "Could you explain that movie version you did, Mr. Cruise?"

C) Relief that Dana lives closer to work now rather than commuting all that way from Annapolis, after all, the only person a drunken (yet hopefully emboldened) Fox would visit this time of night is Dana, THANK GOD...

15) A restless Scully answers the knocking at her door. She queries about Mulder's sobriety and about his appearance at her doorstep. You react by:

A) Praising the Saint's ability to keep her hair straight and her make-up perfect even when she's supposed to be sleeping

B) Letting the ones who showed dressed the same way Scully is to the front row where they can reveal their beauty tips to the whole audience

C) Praying this is scene where Fox finally asks Dana to...uh, talk about her prom night over some red wine and leading it up to...uh, intense hand-holding

16) Mulder drags Scully down to Bethesda Hospital to check out the victims, only to find the morgue cordoned off by military security. As Mulder bluffs his way past a lowly grunt, you realize:

A) That Scully's talent for keeping pretty during bed rest allows her to dress fashionably at a moment's notice.

B) That Mulder is really using a Jedi Mind Trick, as the Force has a strong influence over weak minds

C) That, for all of Fox and Dana's struggles to find intelligent life elsewhere, they have yet to find intelligence in the military (/me avoids contact with my Navy relatives)...

17) Mulder and Scully checks out one of the deceased, who turns out not to have been killed by explosives or debris but from possible infection from the Valdez oil-slick aliens. Mulder leaves Scully to conduct a quick autopsy while he goes off to hunt down Kurtzweil. You:

A) Task the Punk for ditching the Blessed One AGAIN, this time surrounded by hostile soldiers and dangerously infected corpses

B) Offer the helpful tip to Scully to "lock the door and hope they don't have blasters"

C) Wonder why Fox won't take Dana with him to the bar so they can get drunk together and reminisce about bad prom nights and hopefully stumble off to some discreet hotel where they (deleted to protect those under the age of 17)

18) Mulder finds Kurtzweil waiting outside his apartment while police hunt for the doctor concerning child pornography. Kurtzweil starts rattling off a conspiracy theory about germ warfare using the oiliens and that the true power behind it all is the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA). You manage this information by:

A) Waiting for Scully to find the right answers in her autopsy while the Punk gets led astray...I mean, FEMA???

B) Thinking up a musical number that includes words that rhyme with FEMA

C) Realizing there's no way Dana will believe a small under managed department like FEMA is the dark center of the conspiracy, meaning she and Fox will argue about it, and we KNOW that's how they flirt...(deep sigh)...

19) Scully gets found out by the military goon squad, and she hides out in the morgue's crypt. As she reacts to her cel phone's sudden beeping, you:

A) Shout "Dammit, Punk, not now!"

B) Shout "Paging Dr. Scully! Dr. Scully, Black Ops courtesy phone please!"

C) Shout "Fox! Why say it over the phone when you can say it with flowers?!"

20) As Mulder heads back to Dallas, developments at the Blackwood cave are turning dark. The head scientist observing the growth of a gestating organism in one of the infected people is testing a vaccine developed against the oilien virus, but he arrives to find the alien gone. As he heads for the ladder out of the cave, he calls for back-up (prompting a few giggles from the audience as half his support team runs off) just as he spots the not-so-little grey man with sharp pointy teeth pausing before the attack. As he climbs back down the steps hoping to inject the vaccine into the nasty large thingee, you:

A) see B)

B) see C)

C) Shout "Run, you damn idiot, run! Jesus, doesn't ANYBODY run in these damn sci-fi/horror/fighting-aliens-that-eat-human-flesh movies?!?!? Obviously, no! Damn it all!..."

21) As expected, the alien lizard starts dining on fresh conspiracy scientist with L'Orange sauce, but the guy breaks free and injects the vaccine into the monster. He stumbles back to the ladder screaming for help. You:

A) Watch his "buddies" clamp down a lid on the escape route and cover it with dirt, tasking the idiot for not running when he had the bloody chance

B) Toss clumps of dirt into the aisle and fake playing "Taps" on a toy trumpet

C) Know that if it was Fox begging for help, Dana would have climbed down the ladder and kicked the alien's butt for him...or if it was Dana in trouble Fox would have climbed down there and used his Jedi powers to persuade the alien to let them pass...(deep sigh)...

22) The Conspiracy meets in London to discuss the shocking transformation of the oilien virus into a gestating alien. We see the First Elder, we've already met the Smoking Man, the Well-Manicured Man shows up dramatically late, and now we meet the ringleader, a figure I know as Oscar-Nominated Man (see what happens when you do a big-budget movie? You get actors with the big movie creds!) As they argue about what to do, you:

A) Wonder if this means they'll get Daniel Day-Lewis to play Scully's long-absent brother Charles

B) Wonder why they don't have Charles Grey showing up as No-Neck Man

C) Wonder how they'll get Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio to play younger versions of Dana and Fox in the upcoming prequel "X-Files: the Early Years"

23) The talk turns to Mulder, and the Committee finally considers just killing the punk. WMM argues that if you kill Mulder you risk turning one man's quest into a crusade. Oscar-Nominated Man counters by saying, "Then we must take away that which he holds most valuable, that with which he cannot live without." You:

A) Notice the quick edit to Scully standing by herself and shout, "Well isn't THAT bloody obvious!"

B) Actually shout, "Well, there goes Mulder's porn collection!"

C) Cry out, "Yeeees, everybody else knows how important Dana is to Fox! But, noooooo, they're going to hurt Dana to hurt Fox, that is so sad!...:("

24) After finding clues in the fossils recovered from FEMA's blast-torn offices, Mulder and Scully head out to Blackwood in search of the dig site. Instead, they find a freshly-placed playground, with new swing sets and fresh grass in the middle of a desert landscape. As they interrogate the local kids about what happened here, you:

A) Admire the Redheaded One's ability to keep from sweating in the desert heat

B) Note that they're not really dressed like door-to-door salespeople, they're really dressed up for one of the Master's affairs

C) Wonder why the kid didn't recognize that Dana and Fox are really dressed like a newlywed couple heading to Vegas for a honeymoon...(sigh)...

25) Following the tanker trucks spotted at the site, Mulder and Scully drive along an empty road until they get to a deserted intersection. Mulder suggests going left. Scully suggests going right. As the car pulls straight ahead down a dirt road towards nowhere, you:

A) Task the Punk for not turning right like she said, and curse him for not letting Scully drive

B) Sing, "It's just a turn to the left! And then a wheelie to the ri-i-i-ight! Put your hands on the dashboard, and bring your knees in ti-i-ight!..." (Okay, it's a reach, but go with it...)

C) Sigh with relief that Fox and Dana compromised and took the path straight ahead, which you feel is a metaphor, really, for the quest they have both undertaken not just for the truth but for the realization that only together can they find the Path to Enlightenment and (at this point, you should receive your tenure in the local college, so you can shush now)...

26) They drive the car into the middle of nowhere, with nothing but an abandoned railroad track and miles of desert. As Scully gives her "why am I out here?" rant, you shout back to the screen:

A) "Go ahead, chew out the Punk for not going right! And dammit, it's his fault you only had half a bagel with cream cheese, and it wasn't even real cream cheese and...and...okay, so I'm flashing back to Bad Blood! Sit back and eat your popcorn, buddy!"

B) "I told you that castle back there didn't have a fucking phone!"

C) "Get back in the car, guys. Las Vegas is straight ahead, and you can find an Elvis impersonator who'll get you married pronto!"

27) Just as Scully is about to quit on Mulder once and for all, Mulder gets a big break when a train pulls by carrying the tankers they were looking for. You respond by:

A) Shouting again, "That doesn't let you off the hook for the bagel, you Punk!"

B) Adding "What we need now is a miracle!" (Fake trumpet noise)

C) Asking "Okay, NOW can you two go to Vegas?!?!?"

28) They chase after the train, reaching a desert valley filled with...corn. They stumble through the corn toward two inflated dome structures, during which you:

A) Pray the cornfield isn't full of killer kitties (shudder)

B) Hold up corncobs and recite the "What your people call corn, my people call maize" speech.

C) Wish they'd stop to do some stargazing and wistful conversations of little importance, holding hands as they take the time to grow closer...together...(deeep sigh)...

29) They enter one of the domes, walking into an antechamber filled with metal vents shutting out, or shutting in, something... As the movie gets creepier, you:

A) Steel yourself, for you know the Blessed One would never be afraid, NEVER...

B) Wonder what kind of Conspiracy keeps their doors unlocked

C) Grab the person closest to you (hopefully the one that came to the movie with you) and hold their hands the way Dana and Fox would when they needed to, uh, comfort each other (sigh)...

30) The vents open, the music speeds up, and the BEES OH NO fly into the antechamber for the attack. As Mulder and Scully run for cover, you:

A) Really get to hate the words "Bee Husbandry", especially if Marita ever says it again (grrrrrr)

B) Throw your popcorn with other Philes to simulate the BEE ATTACK (buzzing noise optional)

C) Know for sure Dana and Fox aren't going to use honey as a marital aid any time soon

31) Mulder and Scully stumble out of the dome, just in time for the helicopters to show up and chase them through the cornfield. You respond by:

A) Wishing Chris Carter "Into the Cornfield" for not letting Scully carry around a spare set of jogging sneakers.

B) Picking two Philes to stand in the front twirling around like helicopters while the rest of you wave your hands in the seats like the cornfield and while two Philes dressed like Moose and Squirrel (no, really, moose and squirrel outfits required) run through the aisles

C) Waiting for the intense hand-holding scene that's sure to come once Dana and Fox escape from the cornfield

32) Scully hurries late into FBI headquarters for her appearance before the Inquisition, while Mulder goes back to the bar to find Kurtzweil. As Scully tries to bring up new evidence and as a rogue bee crawls out from her collar, you:

A) Praise the Blessed One for doing her best to look good for the Inquisition, although Skinner should have warned you about that strand of hair sticking out...sigh...he'll just have to get slapped with a trout later...

B) Warn Mulder that Greedo is in the bar looking for him

C) Really start to hate Bee Husbandry, hate it hate it HATE it!

33) Mulder, angered by Kurtzweil's apparent attempt to use him for other reasons, stumbles back to his apartment. As he does find proof Kurtzweil knew his father, Scully slowly stumbles in herself, announcing she's getting transferred to Salt Lake City, but that she'll resign instead. As Scully launches into her "You Don't Need Me I Always Held You Back" speech, you:

A) Grudgingly accept Scully's resignation although it's not like the Enigmatic One to give up so easily...perhaps she thinks she's saving Mulder by sacrificing herself, yeah that's it!...

B) Join the other Philes in a farewell send-off complete with fake trumpet noises and a 21-bubblegum pop salute.

C) Actually jump for joy because now they don't have to worry about the FBI's rules of ethical conduct and they can finally DO IT!

34) Mulder chases after Scully into the hallway, challenging her departure. Scully counters by pointing out she was meant to shut him and the X-Files down. He replies (thank you, Autumn, for the script!) "But you SAVED me...You've kept me honest. You made me a whole person. I owe you everything, Scully, and you...owe me nothing..." You watch this all and:

A) Cheer with a hearty "Yes, the Punk's finally admitting how valuable a Saint she is!"

B) Cheer with a slightly cynical "Oscar speech! Oscar speech!"

C) Cheer with a lustful "Yes! They're going to DO IT!"

35) Scully does her grimace/grin, pulls Mulder's head down in a hug and reaches up to kiss him on the forehead. You murmur toward the screen:

A) "It has always been her power to forgive the Punk..."

B) "Gee, Riff-Raff and Magenta pretty much expressed themselves with the Elbow Fuck..."

C) "Dana, you're aiming too high...his lips are down there..."

36) Mulder noticeably doesn't let go of Scully, and stares at her with silent intent. She stares back, slowly recognizing the look on his face, letting a tear drop from her eyes as her lips quiver. They lean toward each other, letting their hands wrapped around each other's necks guide them closer, and as their lips part as they nearly touch, you:

A) Curse at Mulder for not bending his knees...the Blessed One can't reach

B) Grab some popcorn to ready yourself for the scene you've already heard about in the SPOILERS

C) Lean forward in your chair, heart racing, because Dana and Fox are finally DOING IT! <pant><pant>

37) Scully goes "Ow" and pulls away. You:

A) Shout "Mulder, you jerk! Get off her foot!"

B) Shout "Bees!" and throw popcorn to stimulate the bee attack

C) Shout (in your best Charlton Heston voice) "DAMN YOU CHRIS CARTER, YOU NOROMO BASTARD! DAMN YOU TO HELL!"

38) Scully suddenly feels ill, and starts rattling off a series of medical symptoms that are racing through her. As Mulder lowers her to the floor and races off to dial 911, you:

A) Try to admire the Enigmatic One's skill in describing all the disorders suddenly affecting her, but you pull out a Holy Handkerchief and worry that the damn cancer is back

B) Try to remind Mulder to turn the globe off when he leaves his apartment

C) Try to keep the NoRomos sitting near you from snickering that this means Dana and Fox should never kiss...damn bees!

39) The ambulance driver that shows up to retrieve Scully really can't hold a job: just last week he was working in Dallas as a vending supplier. Just as Mulder figures out just who the guy is, the jerk pulls out a gun and shoots poor Moose in the forehead. As the bad guys drive off as the real ambulance pulls up, you:

A) Worry that the Punk's got no one to fix his wounds right now

B) Spot a bumper sticker on the fake ambulance that reads "Like my driving and shooting? Dial 1-800-KISS-OFF"

C) Wait patiently for the real ambulance to show up so Fox can commandeer it, drive after Dana, and rescue her from the evil clutches of Oscar-Nominated Man

40) The screen goes dark. In the distance, we hear voices calling for Mulder...or are they arguing over the high score on Dig-Dug? Mulder opens his eyes to see a horrifying vision: The Lone Gunmen real close up. As he rattles off "Cowardly Lion, Scarecrow...Toto?" you respond by:

A) Correlating the Oz figure to the proper supporting character, Byers as Lion, Langly as Scarecrow, Frohike as the pooch...leaving Skinner as the Tin Man, considering how stiff he can be at times...

B) Answering Mulder's descriptions with a hearty "My Kung Fu is the best!" only when he mentions the Lone Gunman you're dressed as.

C) Worrying that the Lone Gunmen are looking at Fox the wrong way...(shudder)...

41) Speaking of the Tin Man, Skinner shows up to try and keep Mulder in the hospital, knowing that his every move will be watched and he'd be killed before rescuing Scully. The Lone Gunmen offer up a "what can we do?" Mulder responds with "Strip Byers naked." You:

A) Shrug. If we have to see a Lone Gunman naked, it at least better not be Frohike...

B) Find all the Philes dressed as Byers and strip the poor suckers

C) Worry that Fox is wanting the wrong cast member stripped...(whimper)...

42) Mulder races off to find Kurtzweil, but finds instead the Well-Manicured Man, who's oddly prepared to deal with Mulder rather than kill him. The WMM uses his big dramatic moment to provide all the exposition we need: describing the real reasons for the conspiracy and the coming alien colonization. As the WMM offers Mulder a cure for Scully and the location where they're hiding her, you:

A) Realize that if Mulder doesn't find Scully in time, he's REALLY going to get trout-slapped as many times as the number for this survey question...hey...

B) Realize that John Neville sounds like Charles Gray when he's giving all that exposition

C) Hope the location is a honeymoon suite overlooking Niagara Falls and they're keeping Dana cool in a tub built for two

43) In a shocking gesture, the WMM punctuates his statement to "Trust No One" by offing the chauffeur. He lets Mulder out and urges him to hurry to Scully's rescue. As the WMM enters the passenger side of the front seat, you:

A) Wonder if he's going to get the radio out before dumping the car somewhere else

B) Watch that rodent pass by Mulder and shout "Hey! It's Krycek!!!"

C) Witness the explosion and nod knowing that the Well-Done Man has given his life to make sure Fox and Dana are together again...what a way to go-go...

44) The scene shifts to Antarctica where a lone snow-truck plows across the glacier. Mulder stumbles out from the vehicle and heads up some rocks to spy a distant government facility. As he stumbles closer to it, you take the time to:

A) Pull out a certain vegetable and shout aloud, "An intellectual carrot! The mind boggles!"

B) Ask those with the carrots "What do you do with a vegetable?"

C) Reply to those who asked about the carrots with a hearty "Cook it!" (There. Got my tribute to 1951's "The Thing" out of the way...)

45) Mulder falls through the ice into a cavern, leading into a ventilation shaft. The shaft takes Mulder deeper into a dark, cathedral-sized underground facility. As he works his way down to find Scully, you:

A) Task the Punk for not bringing some carrots with him: the Enigmatic One's going to be hungry when she wakes from her coma, dammit!

B) Run from the top row seats all the way to the front row mimicking Mulder's slide down, all the while screaming non-sensible words like state capitals or something...

C) Wait for Fox to find Dana so he can warm her hands with intense holding

46) Mulder finds Scully, frozen with a look of horror on her face. As he punches his way through the glass to rescue her, you realize:

A) That Gillian's really horrified that she lost a Golden Globe to an actress who can't find her way out of a bathroom

B) That Scully's really horrified that her mom's last home-cooked meal of meatloaf was...was...well...

C) That Dana's really horrified that Fox didn't show up with that engagement ring like he was supposed to

47) Mulder injects Scully with the vaccine, and whatever it is, it not only brings Scully back to life, it kills off the alien organic growth and gets whatever's in the structure to start kicking itself to pieces. As Mulder drags a naked Scully out of the container, and as the surroundings begin to collapse in a cloud of steam, you:

A) Curse the Punk for not bringing a set of sensible clothes for the Blessed One

B) Shout that the dilithium crystals can't take much more of this

C) Worry that there aren't going to be that many surprises for Fox when he and Dana finally get around to doing it

48) Mulder and Scully try to climb out the way Mulder entered. They reach the first passageway, now filled with puddles of water and with rows of containers filled with waking gestating aliens. Scully collapses, and a terrified Mulder works feverishly to resuscitate her with CPR. She comes to, smiles and whispers "Had you big time." You respond by:

A) Tasking the Enigmatic One (yes, HER) for choosing the wrong time and place to out-prank the Punk

B) Celebrating with a fake trumpet salute and tossing your now-empty popcorn bags at any of the Philes dressed like Scully

C) Knowing Dana was really tricking Fox into CPR so they could lip lock. YEEEEESSSS...(satisfying sigh)...

49) Mulder and Scully escape the waking alien life forms. They climb out of the ice crevice onto the glacier floor. But the ground shudders, cracks. As they stand and turn to run, the cracks grow into shattered pieces of ice, falling inward toward the underground structure. They race ahead of the fissures, slowly losing to the shattering ice that finally gives way beneath them. As they fall into the darkness, you whisper:

A) "Worry not, for yea, they shall rise again upon the strength of the Blessed One's faith..."

B) "Gee, Riff-Raff and Magenta should have given them more time to flee the castle before it lifted off..."

C) "They can't die...they will never long as their love for each other keeps them...together...(sniff) (sniff)..."

50) The ground erupts in a cloud of ice, pushing Mulder and Scully skyward. A large, metallic object rises through the glacier as the agents slide down its side, falling to the ground below. Mulder turns, witnesses the UFO, and turns to a barely conscious Scully asking, no begging her if she saw it. You take in this moment and:

A) Grin at Scully's weak "I see it," knowing she's not really seeing anything but taking Mulder's word for it

B) Realize that was no UFO, that was a hubcap you lost during that road trip to Vancouver two years ago

C) Cheer as Dana wraps Fox in her arms, gently cradling him as she gathers enough strength to give him an intense hand-hold

51) The scene fades to Scully sitting before the FBI panel, quietly, stoically listening to the bureaucratic nonsense being offered up against the evidence she and Mulder apparently brought before this committee. When the head of the committee concludes by suggesting the bizarre evidence of corn fields and bee husbandry be shipped off to some other investigative office, Scully sternly rises from her chair, offers up the bee that stung her as evidence, and righteously states that there is currently no office that can handle such an investigation. As Scully quietly, stoically walks away, you:

A) Cheer the Saint's righteous power and metaphorical trout-slap she just pulled on that entire committee

B) Toss around whatever popcorn's left on the theater floor, even though it'll be a little sticky

C) Wonder how Dana and Fox kept warm during their return trip from...oooh, okay...(vwg)

52) Scully finds Mulder sulking somewhere in a park that looks suspiciously like...Santa, L.A.? Nah, they wouldn't film in L.A. Anyway. Scully finds Mulder waiting for her, and he brings up the fact that no matter what they do, they can't win: all the evidence, all the truths that they've found are being hidden again. You:

A) Task the Punk for whining and wish the Blessed One would get around to slapping him with a trout like he's deserved since survey question #42...hey...

B) Recognize the place they're talking at the park where you first met your blind date who took you to your first Rocky Horror movie and sadistically offered you up as a virgin starting a series of traumatic events that left you in torn fishnet stockings and a wig that smelled of Milk Duds the next morning...or maybe that's just me...

C) Know Fox is really upset that he left the engagement ring he got for Dana back on that UFO

53) Scully counters Mulder's defeatist attitude with the fact that she will not abandon him now, even if he wants her to leave for her own safety. She is re-energized with the truth that there is a cure for the oilien virus, with the fact that the two of them are the only ones who can save others endangered by it, that if he quits, "they win". As she reaches out to hold his hand, you realize:

A) That this is the Blessed Redhead you know and emulate: tough, forgiving, willing to keep up the good fight, and eager to rattle off those rational explanations

B) That the "they" she's referring to are the movie theater managers who are getting sick and tired of cleaning up all that rice, toast, water balloons, and used fishnet stockings

C) That for the first time since, well, ever that when they're holding hands they're also staring deeply into each other's eyes

54) The image of the two of them holding hands fades away to a helicopter racing over the sand dunes of Tunisia, in a place called Tataouine. As the helicopter speeds to its destination, you shout:

A) "Ah! Sandstorm!Scully! More angst! Noooooooo..."

B) "Hey, if there's a bright spot in the galaxy then this is the place farthest from it...and watch out for that place Mos will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy..."

C) "No! Don't fade away! We were just about to see Dana and Fox go off to some hotel where they were going to check each other for hidden bees before DOING IT! Nuts..."

55) Smoking Man arrives to tell Oscar-Nominated Man that Mulder has seen too much, that he will be a greater threat now, and hands him a telegram. ONM reads the telegram, letting it fall to the sand as he quietly walks away into a row of corn. As the camera rises from the message reading "X-Files re-opened Stop Please advise Stop" to stare across a cornfield the size of Vancouver, you:

A) Watch the production credits come up and wait for Gillian Anderson's name to appear so you can cheer, stomp your feet, and trout-slap those non-Philes who dare to leave the theater too early

B) Break out into song and dance the Madison...

C) Sigh and patiently wait for the sequel: "X-Files: In Search of a One Bed Hotel Room"

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSEr who swears the Enigmatic One will save Mulder's bare ass in the sequel: X-Files II: Wrath of Scully's Mom

B) Then you are an X-Phile/Rocky Horror/Star Wars fan who can't wait for the midnight shows so you can come dressed as Langly carrying a lightsaber

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's content that Dana and Fox TRIED to kiss this time but next time they BETTER SUCCEED, dammit!...>:-(

Saturday, April 4, 2015

The X-Files: Detour 'Shipper Survey

This is actually going back to the real beginning.

I started writing up the 'Shipper surveys in Season Five, meaning that there are four seasons through which not a lot of 'Shipper surveys were done.  During the summer months between the later seasons, I would go back and review an earlier episode from early seasons, but never found enough time to do ALL of them in an appropriate way.

It was this episode "Detour" where the 'Shipping elements were so overt that the fans were squeeing a little too much and I decided, "well hell, someone needs to quiz up the fanbase for the right things to say about the episode."

And people liked it.  So I continued on with other episodes that season and went from there.

Looking back on this, you'll notice a few things:

  • I had yet to settle on the pattern of having answer A) be a pro-Scully joke, 
  • Squidge was apparently a word back in 1997,
  • This survey only went five questions rather than a more coherent, detailed twenty questions.

So, here goes:


1) When "Detour" opened with the FBI agents en route to the seminar, did you:

A) Pray that the other two FBI agents wouldn't sing "Kum-bai-ya"

B) Notice that the other two FBI agents were the Mirror Universe opposites of Moose and Squirrel

C) Thank God Mulder was leaning in so close when he whispered to Scully!

2) When Scully brought wine and cheese to Mulder's hotel room, talking about a "par-tay" and FBI rules of sexual conduct, did you:

A) Take the time to listen to the witty, well-thought dialogue between two characters that know and respect one another

B) Wonder if Scully brought red wine and a sob story about her prom night

C) Run off to the computer to start writing a steamy erotic fanfic

3) When Scully found herself alone in the forest, screaming for Mulder's help, did you expect the next scene to be:

A) Scully single-handedly defeating an attacker

B) Scully making a discovery that cracks the X-File open

C) Mulder rushing up to hug Scully and swearing never to ditch her again

4) When Mulder and Scully began their "Sleeping Bag Conversation" did you:

A) Admire the calm, almost magical connection between these two caring characters

B) Wonder why the red-eyed monsters didn't interrupt this special moment

C) STOP writing your erotic fanfic to squidge until collapsing into a sated unconsciousness

5) When Mulder raced at the end to the hotel to rescue Scully from a possible red-eyed monster attack, did you:

A) Expect to find Scully slapping the hand-cuffs on a monster whose camouflage doesn't work against hotel wallpaper

B) Expect Mulder to slam the hotel door into the monster's face, knocking it unconscious while he and Scully belatedly walk away

C) Expect Mulder to catch Scully in the shower, giving them the delicious opportunity to find the soap while the monster leaves and joins a circus act in Gibbston, further down the state

Please send all answers to someone you know is a NoRomo. Thank you.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

The X-Files: April Fools 'Shipper Survey















April Fools.