Tuesday Morning X-Files Fanaticism: My Sharona, NO WAIT My Struggle Part II: The Quickening!

Some SPOILAGE if you hadn't seen last night's mini-series cliffhanger:

...

...

SPOILER SPACE

...

ARE WE IN THE CLEAR? ARE WE IN THE CLEAR?!?!

No?

Too late!

In short: all of the dull stuff from Part I gets parlayed into five different action scenes into Part II, but with an unsettling cliffhanger in which global pandemic threatens all of humanity before Dana and Fox can hold hands to satisfy us 'Shippers in any way.

This episode felt flat in that for all of the past history of the evil Syndicate - noted here in flashbacks - it's all been boiled down into just the Smoking Man triggering the biohazard Apocalypse as though he alone has survived the entire shadow war and was setting himself up as God-Emperor. In some respects, he HAD survived it all, but factions should still exist... it just felt as though this Conspiracy was done all on the cheap, and done rather quick.

And the other thing is, I thought Mulder had also been infected with alien DNA - his near-death situation involving the Black Oil Aliens - so why was he getting sick here?

One last thing, as JC De La Torre tweeted with me about this miniseries finale: yeah, this was NOT an ending this is pretty much Chris Carter's way of making Fox execs go "Okay, for a Season Eleven, you want HOW MUCH MONEY delivered to you in Brinks trucks?"

TO BE CONTINUED...

X-Files: My Struggle 'Shipper Survey

It's here.

It's back.

It's... still a confusing mytharc mess.

Sigh.

I'll try to get through this without as much damage to the original timeline as I can make it.

On the bright side: MULDER AND SCULLY ARE BACK IN TOWN

From the Movie Pilot site

X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: My Struggle

Um, to the Germans visiting my website, I know that title is going to be a bit problematic at best...

1) The episode begins with... AH HELL IT'S A REVIVAL EPISODE OF THE X-FILES WHO CARES! LET'S CELEBRATE!

A) You're gonna write a survey and dammit no more distractions! (trout slap)
B) We were promised cake.
C) DANA AND FOX ARE BACK! YAAAAAAAAY!

2) Okay, it really begins with Fox Mulder (Look kids! David Duchovny!) narrating about the past as he places folders and photos atop a desk: his troubled past of his sister's abduction by aliens, his rise within the ranks of the FBI pursuing bizarre cases hidden away in a covert department known as the X-Files, his teaming up with another agent Dana Scully (Look kids! Gillian Anderson!), their travails trying to uncover the TRUTH about the existence of extraterrestrials and the oncoming invasion, and their subsequent exile from the Bureau. As the pile of documents and pictures burst into flames, you take it all in and think:

A) Why does Mulder get to do the opening narration? Scully can narrate too, you know! Damn that Punk!
B) Is this the opening shot of about 500 different MTV videos from the mid-1980s?
C) NOOOOO! The picture of Dana and Fox shouldn't be burning! That's a bad omen before the wedding!

3) As Mulder continues to narrate about the plausibility about alien visitations, a UFO crashes in a remote desert. And then... THE THEME MUSIC and original credits roll! WOO-HOO! PARTY TIME, THE NINETIES ARE BACK BABY WE NEVER LEFT IT WOO-HOO!

A) We're not going to get through this survey with any semblance of sanity, are we?
B) Um, there may be a need for nostalgia here, but couldn't the network pay a little more to update the opening credits from 1993? (sees that they added Mitch Pileggi as Skinner) Well, okay, that's an improvement...
C) BREAK OUT THE TEA, KIDS! DANA AND FOX ARE GONNA HOLD HANDS AND FLIRT OVER AUTOPSIES AGAIN! (literally calling on the kids, it's been more than twenty years now, there has to be younguns in high school groaning about their parents' obsession with this 'Ship)

4) We're still in the desert, 1947, clear reference to Roswell. A bus with most of the windows painted black to hide location from the occupants drives down a desert road. A lone military officer, with the doctor's lapel badge, being escorted by a man in a black suit ride out to the crash site. As the doctor stares in amazement at the crash, you realize:

A) This doctor better have the common sense and divine wisdom of the Blessed Skeptic!
B) Hey! Weren't the UFOs in the original series all TRIANGLE-SHAPED?! What gives with the saucer look! We know damn well the REAL spaceships weren't disks, this is insulting, dammit Chris Carter you're making us toss all the books in the 001.92 shelf area at your head for your faux pas over here!
C) You're going into withdrawal symptoms too early. It's been years since your last 'Shipper fix and DAMMIT TONIGHT YOU NEED A HIT...

5) Flash-forward to 2016. A woman is prepping for surgery when an urgent call comes in. The camera doesn't reveal the face until we find out the call is coming in from an Assistant Director Skinner. Then Gillian Anderson turns to the camera and ZOMG IT'S SCULLY!

A) IT'S THE BLESSED ONE! KNEEL, YOU FOOLS!
B) Hey, wasn't she on Hannibal earlier this season?
C) Faint

6) Scene shifts to someone watching Barack Obama on the Jimmy Kimmel show, joking about UFOs.

A) Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on an Arrow/Flash crossover episode.
B) Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on Supergirl.
C) There's no way Barry can cameo on Agents Of SHIELD: they've already established that they're in a different universe where actor William Sadler became President. So this answer has to go "Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on Doctor Who."

Side note: I gotta wonder, was Barry ever posting on the alt.tv.x-files Usenet back in the day?! I mean, that was well back when he wasn't in elected office and all, and he's a full-on geek... he HAD to have been a fan back in the day, you think?! Everybody, check the archives for a B_OBOMA_XPhile account!

7) We discover that Mulder is watching the show, and when he gets the call he sees it's Scully and he gripes to her right off the bat about how his entire life's work has been turned into a punchline. You reply:

A) "Dammit, you Punk, it's always the Me Me Me whining out of you!"
B) "That's the problem with the 21st Century. Everyone's forgotten the phone etiquette of the 90s!"
C) "Dammit, Fox, instead of a phone conversation you could meet with Dana face-to-face. AND THEN KISS HER!"

8) Scully tells Mulder that Skinner is looking for him. Mulder: "Why doesn't he just call me?" Scully: "He doesn't have your phone number, dummy!" You:

A) "Well, that's what Scully should have said!"
B) "Skinner's with the freaking FBI! THEY'VE GOT EVERYBODY'S PHONE NUMBER!" (Survey writer is informed by his DIA contacts that it's actually the NSA, not the FBI or the CIA. WTF with this POS, IDK)
C) "Damn Slashers, it's not what you think!"

9) Scully tells Mulder that a high-profile conspiracy guy on the media, a Tad O'Malley, is seeking Mulder down with shocking news about aliens and what-what. Mulder skeptically watches O'Malley's video stream and wonders why Scully would be interested in getting dragged back into the mess. Scully just relays that she's the messenger. Mulder tells her to go ahead and have Skinner set up the meet. Then he says "But don't think I won't go it alone." To you that means:

A) The Punk is dragging the sainted one back into HIS mess anyway! What a Punk! Trout slap him now!
B) He's gonna Assemble the Avengers! ...what?
C) They're gonna get married, and THEN go to the meet as a couple! ...well, it COULD mean that!

10) Look, everybody! It's a CGI background of the Capitol Dome! That can only mean one thing!

A) They're filming in Vancouver again!
B) They're filming in Los Angeles again!
C) Dana and Fox are gonna see each other again!

11) Mulder and Scully meet, exchange words. They talk like an amicable ex-couple, with Scully worrying about Mulder not getting out of that sad farmhouse from the second movie and Mulder being flippant and distant. Scully: "I'm always happy to see you." Mulder: "And I'm always happy to find a reason." You:

A) "Okay, Scully, now break out that trout and slap him with it! He talked you into that horrible second movie and he can't hide from it anymore!"
B) "What second movie? There never was a second movie. You can't convince me there was a lame horror attempt at a film about two-headed Russian gangsters, never, not in a million years!"
C) "NOOOOO Why are they talking like they haven't seen each other in years? NOooooooo, The RIFT! Damn NoRomos..."

12) A limo pulls up, and Tad O'Malley (look kids! It's that guy from Community! No, not the cool geeky one with the meta-awareness skills!) greets the former FBI agents and requests that they share a ride and discuss matters. O'Malley goes all paranoid, believing that drones are deployed to record conversations and that the limo is safer. You consider it and suggest:

A) That they use the DC Metro instead, with it being underground and hard for shadows to keep up with you. Unless they're not filming in DC, in which case they can use the LA subway instead.
B) That they deploy white noise filters and find a spot in the nearby Mall with high tree cover. Unless they're not filming in DC, in which case they can use the Vancouver mountainside.
C) That Dana and Fox go and find a nearby Comfort Inn in DC and deploy the magic fingers bed! Sigh.

13) O'Malley's limo is well-stocked with expensive wine and bulletproof windows. He tries to sweet-talk the former agents but Mulder's having none of it, dismissing O'Malley's talk of believing in alien conspiracies only as a gimmick to get audiences rather than the truth. O'Malley questions Mulder about the X-Files but Mulder notes that's no longer a thing, "that book is closed." Scully notes it "for better or worse, we've moved on." Mulder wistfully adds, "Yes we have. For better or worse." You realize this means:

A) "OH NO, Scully lost her desk from Season Eight!"
B) "OH NO, The prop guys at the studio lost the filing cabinets!"
C) "OH NO THEY DIVORCED DANA AND FOX BROKE UP NOOOOOO" (cry) (curl up in fetal position)

14) Mulder tries to test O'Malley's knowledge of UFO lore by tossing out an obscure abduction incident. It's a pretty low-key one as well, which O'Malley answers much like reading the text straight from a book. Mulder at least seems impressed he's done the homework. For yourself:

A) You know there's a better test to use: the Trout Slap Endurance. If he can withstand fifty trout slaps, he's solid, he's cool...
B) You know an even better test: The Voight-Kampff test! So, you see this tortoise in the desert...
C) You know an even better test: The OKCupid tests! Including the one where Fox can find out if Dana is his one-in-five-billion. Sigh...

15) O'Malley takes Mulder and Scully to a remote house, where a young woman with a noticeable accent (but hard to place, Russian, Ukrainian, Klingon?) greets them and notes at the door that Mulder has seen her before, which he doesn't recall. Sveta proceeds to talk about her abduction experiences, including the harvesting of her babies, genetic manipulation to make her psychic which she tries to demonstrate by 'reading' Mulder with some success, and displays signs of physical mutilation in the form of carved-out chunks of her flesh. But unlike previous abduction stories, Sveta isn't blaming aliens: she's blaming the secret cabal of human military agents we know as the Syndicate as the real culprits all along. You try listening to half of this and realize:

A) Man, Chris Carter really painted himself into a corner years ago, didn't he?
B) They already covered most of this from the Season Four finale Gethsemane!
C) Noooooo, they brought up poor baby William, noooooooooooooo no wonder Dana and Fox drifted apart...

16) Sveta is willing to undergo a medical exam by Scully, during which Sveta tries to convince the skeptical agent that her experimentation has given her some telekinetic abilities as well as telepathic. When asked, Sveta admits "not right now" and gets rather defensive. "How would you know what it's like, to be abducted and experimented on by aliens?" Sveta whines. Scully just smiles and leans towards her. And stares. AND JUST STARES AT HER. And Sveta gets this Oh Crap look on her face when she realizes Scully does know what it's like. You know:

A) Sveta's a goner! KICK HER ASS, SWAT!SCULLY
B) Sveta's a con artist... Her "mind-reading" ability is mostly picking up visual cues and knowing the back-histories of her marks. Except she never got the homework on Scully, did she...
C) OH NO YOU DIDN'T, GIRL. Nobody questions Dana's maternal leanings!

17) While Scully is busy, O'Malley takes Mulder to a remote warehouse/airfield where scientists are working on their own alien tech. Utilizing such catch-phrases as "zero-point energy" and rare elements like Ununpentium (115), these scientists have reverse-engineered all nine seasons of the X-Files to reveal that the alien tech Mulder's been seeking all these years has been man-made all along. As they successfully make the triangular airplane-shaped craft hover above Mulder's head and make it turn invisibile, you point out:

A) "Wait! Ununpentium is highly radioactive, and NOBODY'S wearing hazmat suits near this thing?!"
B) "Wait! Isn't it a common plot point that every time Mulder gets to see something like this, the bad guys show up twenty minutes later and blow it all up? You scientists aren't that smart!"
C) "Wait! Fox needs to go give Dana a hug and talk about what happened to their son! Sniff..."

18) While another flashback to the crashed UFO shows the doctor then recovering the bullet-riddled corpse of an alien distracts our attention, O'Malley goes to butter up Scully while she works at the hospital while Sveta goes to Mulder to talk to him more about what she knows about the men behind her abductions. While Scully remains cryptic towards O'Malley's attempts to get her to trust him, Mulder buys into Sveta's story and starts ranting to Scully over the phone about Sveta being "the key" to everything. You recall:

A) That the Punk keeps thinking someone else is THE KEY to unraveling the Truth every other episode back in the day! /headdesk
B) That these back-and-forth phone conversations were a lot more fun when they used flip-phones!
C) The RIFT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

19) The scene shifts to an empty office. It's somewhere in the basement of the Hoover Building. Mulder enters to find a ladder, a bunch of pencils sticking in the ceiling where he put them for seven seasons (remember, Eight and Nine he was AWOL), and his I WANT TO BELIEVE poster left strewn on the floor. Skinner (look kids! Mitch Pileggi!) now older and with a grandfatherly beard tries to remind Mulder that the files were all stolen back when Doggett and Reyes were assigned to the department (and before they disappeared not only from the bureau but from the show's narrative). Mulder thought the files were still there, and gets upset that he'd been lied to and manipulated from the very beginning. He kicks at his own poster, tearing it. You take this all in and consider the most implausible part of this entire scene:

A) That the FBI allowed those pencils to stay up there for 14 years! I mean, c'mon! EVERY office worker will tell you, they need every pencil they can get! And there's a ladder right there! Sheesh...
B) That the janitors would leave their cleaning cart there where any agent can steal it! I mean, c'mon, same reason as leaving those pencils around.
C) That Dana's not there to complain about losing her nameplate! Okay, normally this would be an A) answer, but I needed to put the pencils gag up top where it would work better with B), and... and...
D) Mulder just giving his number to Skinner now. C'mon! I don't care about the NSA being the numbers-keepers, but as an Assistant Director to the FBI even Skinner should have a way to get information on ANYBODY... Also, it has nothing to do with you Damn Slashers! (Note: for those who don't get the joke, there's an occasional D) option whenever Skinner or another major character does something of interest)

20) O'Malley's back on his TV show ranting about gun rights, but tries to take a minute to talk about Scully's work helping kids as a likely ploy to get her to trust him more. Meanwhile, Scully is looking at medical results she'd gotten back on Sveta, and asks her co-worker to have them re-tested for something she noticed (or didn't) in the results. You know this means:

A) Scully has proof Sveta's a fake! TROUT SLAP HER
B) Scully has concerns her own blood that she's testing is showing the same signs as Sveta's! UH OH
C) Dana's gonna need a HUG

21) Mulder does his patented "Meet a Secret Source Out in the Open for Some Godforsaken Reason" moment, this time with a BRAND NEW SPECIAL GUEST INFORMANT we'll call Grumpy Old Man. Once again Mulder throws out his guesswork about the latest clues he's getting: everything pointing to the whole ALIENS plot as a smokescreen for Secret Government Takeover. Grumpy Old Man mocks the earlier mytharc stuff about warring factions setting each other on fire, and that Mulder still hasn't fit all the puzzles together for him to give him the full truth. Which is more infuriating to you?

A) That Scully never gets these cryptic informants! Why can't she meet with crazy old people in alleyways and rooftops and dark places in Vancouver?! (insert Troutslap aimed at Chris Carter)
B) That every time a so-called informant steps up to provide information, THEY REALLY DON'T. They just stand there and say "You're close" or "You can't comprehend it yet" or "If I reveal too much, people will stop watching this show." IT GOT OLD DURING THE ORIGINAL SERIES AND IT'S BORING NOW. (insert Headdesk)
C) THAT DANA AND FOX HAVEN'T SHARED TEA YET THIS EPISODE. (insert 'Shipper Rage)

22) Scully drives out to the Mulder farm to talk with him about everything O'Malley's been handing to them. Mulder meets her and they do talk, but it quickly devolves into another argument over Mulder's obsessions getting the better of him (AGAIN). You know this means:

A) Scully needs to bring more Trout!
B) Neither of them are really listening to each other: Mulder's not taking the time to calm down to listen to Scully's reason, and Scully's unable to look at Mulder's belief structure as a virtue that needs better direction. There. I just provided sound couple counseling, that'll be $150 and we'll schedule the next session for a week from now, okay?
C) NOOOOOOOOOO THE RIFT NOOOOOOOOOOOO damn you NoRomos!

23) O'Malley shows up for Mulder to provide his latest theory, and Scully is forced to sit in. As Sveta joins the group to listen, Mulder expounds on what he thinks is the Truth: Since the end of the Second World War, aliens began visiting Earth out of concern regarding the development of atomic weapons, and that secret power brokers within our government began a program of capturing and exploiting alien tech for their own plans of global conquest. O'Malley adds in how the political elements - fomenting race riots, man-made climate change, terror attacks, foreign wars - would justify setting up a police state for an all-out takeover of America (and then the world). Even FEMA gets name-dropped (AGAIN).

Scully for her part listens to their conspiracy theory and then shoots it down as "fear-mongering claptrap" with little evidence to back it up, and that it borders on treason. O'Malley claims he'll say all that on his upcoming show. Mulder tells Scully "it's what people need to know." And Sveta adds "Even if it's the truth."

Scully then looks at her and notes that Sveta's tests for alien DNA came back negative. She is NOT the key Mulder thinks she is. With that bombshell dropped, Scully walks out of the room with Mulder left silent. Your response is:

A) "YES, that is Scully bringing everyone back to the real world!"
B) "Here's the thing: if these men in government and business were already so powerful as to control our media, our military, our police, our resources, and our very lives pretty much, WHY F-CKING STAGE A TAKEOVER for something THEY already control?!?!"
C) This is now the lowest point a 'Shipper could ever be at. Dana and Fox, nowhere near giving each other a comforting hug... the RIFT THE RIFT NOOOOOooooo...

24) Everything falls apart in quick succession. Sveta accuses to the national media that O'Malley paid her to tell stories about alien abductions. Military humvees slam into the airport warehouse where the scientists' UFO is stored, where the quickly plant explosives and have the craft and the scientists explode, destroying all trace. Also, secretive men in black show up and steal your DVD collection of Fringe while you were out pre-ordering the next Black Panther comic book series written by Ta-Nehisi Coates. By the time Scully finishes her work in surgery, she finds O'Malley's site is down and he's likely disappeared/removed from the picture, even as she gets her own test results back in. You take this all in and determine:

A) Damn, when Scully shoots down an outlandish theory, it gets shot down...!
B) The next group of scientists trying to replicate alien tech should NEVER let Mulder see what they're working on! You know, not until they land it on the White House lawn for all the world to see. He's just BAD LUCK, people!
C) This better lead to make-up hugs!

25) Scully finds Mulder moping about at the hospital parking garage. He's upset that all his work has gone for naught, again. Scully worries about Sveta. Mulder wonders why, since her tests came back negative. Scully admits she had the tests run again, only the second time synced to Scully's own tests... which she knows has been tampered with due to her own abduction experience. On the second try, Sveta did show evidence of alien DNA... as well as Scully herself. You reply:

A) "Dammit, Scully, you could have asked Mulder to keep his mouth shut for another 24 hours or something until the second results came back!"
B) "Isn't just like this show to first debunk the narrative only to reclaim it before the end credits roll? MAKE UP YOUR MIND, CARTER..."
C) "Oh noes! Quick, Fox, HUG HER!"

Bonus Question) It's a dark deserted highway. Sveta is speeding away in a fancy-looking new car, only to have the car stall in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly there's a bright light overhead, and Sveta cries in terror as a triangle-shaped UFO (FINALLY) shows up overhead. She struggles to open the door to get out, but just as she does, the car explodes... leaving little evidence other than a fiery hulk. You realize:

A) see B)
B) see C)
C) NEVER DRIVE AWAY from an alien plot during a Mytharc episode at night on a deserted road! ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS drive in broad daylight on a truck-filled interstate with plenty of witnesses!

Bonus Bonus Question) It's a fireplace with the mantle reading the quote Carpe Diem. A man with noticeable burn scars on his hand and face is talking on a phone. The camera rolls around the other side of his face to reveal it's Cigarette Smoking Man (look kids, William B. Davis!), having survived his supposedly lethal illness and supposed incineration by helicopter attack. As he hangs up the phone to tell his colleague "They've re-opened the X-Files," his unseen companion places a cigarette in CSM's trachea hole (EEEEWWWWW) to let him smoke. As the Big Bad of the Mytharc smiles, we close the episode with this thought:

A) This is probably one of the best ways to scare kids off of smoking, like forever...
B) Considering the show Continuum just finished, it's a good thing this miniseries came back 'cause Davis needs the work...
C) The X-Files re-opened?! YES! More chances for Dana and Fox to flirt over dead bodies again!

If you more often than not answered:

A) You are a new recruit to the Order of the Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic, so welcome to the hazing ritual of getting a proper Trout Slap before your honorary Scullyrita!
B) You are a long-time fan of the X-Files glad that the show came back, but upset that Carter still doesn't understand a damn thing he's doing with the Mytharc!
C) You're a 'Shipper who misses the tea sharing, the hand holds, the long drawn out discussions about human spontaneous combustion, and those precious moments when Dana and Fox admit they only TRUST each other! And after this episode, we're still missing all of that! AAAUUUGGGH, the withdrawal symptoms. Damn NoRomos, taking over the writers' room like that...

What do you think, sirs? Damn, this took me three dedicated evenings to write this up, and I know I missed a few details...

The X-Files: Fallen Angel 'Shipper Survey

Note: As mentioned before, I started the Senseless 'Shipper Surveys during Season Five, meaning the earlier seasons had to be done as recaps via repeat watchings on VHS (and later DVD sets).  I never found the time to do all of the earlier shows: I'd be busy writing the surveys during normal seasons, and when I could find the time once the show was over my interest had waned and I had moved on in my life (to a new job in particular).  As a result, I don't have that many Season One recaps done as 'Shipper Surveys.  This one here represents the last original one during the show's run.  From here it jumps to Season Three for a few scattered entries, and then Five onward.

Just sayin', now I do have motivation to get more episodes of Season One surveyed for 'Shipper pleasure... >:-)

FALLEN ANGEL

1) The episode begins within a military radar station, as concerned technicians get worried over something...spooky. Even with the calm, assured presence of a high-ranking officer, the crew remains nervous until one of them notes, "It's the same message, over and over: Mars...Needs...Women." When this happens, you:

A) Rip the videotape out of the VCR and slap your MST3K-obsessed roomie with it (only because your trout's stuck in the freezer)

B) Imagine yourself filming a re-make of that trashy '60s movie, improving upon it with a stellar cast made up of Salma Hayek, Jennifer Connelly, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Love-Hewitt, and...and...well, IT COULD HAPPEN...with Lili Taylor as the kick-ass fighter pilot, okay?...

C) Point out that Fox needs a woman too, and that those damn filthy Martians ought to keep their pseudopods off Dana!!!


2) Okay, after the real opening with crashing UFOs, conspiratorial officers whispering code words like "fallen angel," and screaming innocent bystanders getting microwaved, the show proper begins with our intrepid hero Mulder sneaking into the forests of British Col...uh, Wisconsin, egged on by Deep Throat into infiltrating a massive military operation led by sinister Col. Henderson. When Mulder gets in far enough to take pictures of the smoking, foam-covered remains of a UFO, you realize:

A) That the bloody Punk forgot to bring Scully to see the UFO! Dammit, he always ditches her whenever he goes off to get proof, and then he whines about how she never believes him! Duh, no wonder!...

B) That your esoteric knowledge of Fifties sci-fi movies tells you that the radioactive fields surrounding a UFO will fog any camera film, and that poor Mulder will have nothing to show for his efforts

C) That when the soldiers sneaking up on Fox are done pummeling him like a dirty rug, Dana will show up to provide some tender lovin' care...(deeeep sigh)

3) After a fruitless interrogation from Col. Henderson, Mulder is tossed into a holding cell next to another prisoner, an energetic paranoid from NICAP named Max Fenig (Scott Bellis). Even after two minutes of interaction between the cool Mulder and whacked-out Max, you note:

A) That Scully is probably better off with that guy she dated in "Jersey Devil" than with either of these clowns

B) That conspiracy buffs ought to find something more fun to do on a Friday evening than sit in a makeshift jail cell talking about which UFO-hunting group has a better pension plan

C) That whomever answers A) on this question should be boiled in baby oil for their NoRomo transgression...I mean, that guy in "Jersey Devil" was so damn dull!!!

4) Dawn comes, and with it a sense of reality, especially as Scully storms into the jail cell to chew Mulder out for interfering with a military operation. Mulder says the cover story of spilled toxins is a lie. Scully agrees, but stands by the "secret" that a Libyan pilot carrying a nuclear warhead crashed into Cheese Country for the reason Henderson and his buds are scouring the woods. You take this into account and decide that:

A) Scully is, sadly, wrong: the military is actually there to get easy seating at the Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field to watch the Packers against the 49ers...no, wait, that will never work, you can't scare Packer fans off with something as lame as "toxic spills"...

B) Mulder is, sadly, wrong: the military is actually there to stop Celine Dion from crossing the Canadian border...no, wait, Minnesota and Michigan are between Wisconsin and Canada, right?...hurm...

C) Dana and Fox are, sadly, unable to make out: Max is in the next jail cell and it wouldn't be right to disturb his beauty sleep...no, wait, Max is gone...GO FOR IT, GUYS! (hopeful grin)

5) While a nearly-invisible fiendish thingee is running through the forests, Mulder and Scully head back to Mulder's hotel, Scully insisting that she drag Mulder back for his inquisition before Section Chief McGrath and Mulder insisting they take another 24 hours to find out what's going down along the shores of Lake Michigan. As Scully threatens to drag Mulder back to D.C. if she had to and Mulder smirking over her starring in her own version of Jack Nicholson's classic movie "Last Detail", you consider:

A) If seeing Scully impersonate Jack in the axe scene from "Shining" is enough to make the Punk come quietly back to Vancouv...uh, D.C.

B) If you haven't seen this scenario too many times in all those 80's buddy pics: two mismatched cops working to solve a case in 24 hours before Internal Affairs shuts down the rule-breaking detective division that always cuts the pair some slack because they get the job done...theme song with Glenn Frey, soundtrack by Tangerine Dream...

C) If Dana and Fox shouldn't come up with better ways to use 24 hours by themselves in a hotel room in the middle of Wisconsin...(wicked grin)

Insertion: If you want to know what the nearly-invisible fiendish thingee REALLY looks like, well... SPOILERS.

SPOILERS...


SPOILERS...

Here:

6) Mulder and Scully stare in shock at the wrecked hotel room. You say to yourself:

A) "It's a good thing you don't share hotel rooms with this slob, Scully..."

B) "Gonna be real hard to find that mint on the pillow...gotta find the pillow first..."

C) "Okay, whoever finds the bed first gets to be on top...(sigh)"

7) They catch Max trying to climb out the bathroom window. He reveals his knowledge of Mulder's work on the X-Files, keeping track through the Freedom of Information Act gaining access to travel expenses. Max then turns and says, "So this must be the enigmatic Agent Scully." As Mulder shoves poor Max back into his chair, you reply with:

A) A hearty "Yes! Scully now has her own nickname! Enigmatic! No more `Mrs. Spooky'!!!"

B) A sarcastic "Gee, Mulder, you're probably regretting those video rentals you billed the government during that last trip to Atlantic City..."

C) A disappointing "Nuts! Max didn't mistake Dana for Fox's wife like so many other guest stars on the show!.."

8) An eager Max shows off his trailer, distracted at first with showing off pictures of crop circles to Mulder for his opinion. While the guys try to impress each other with their arcane knowledge, Scully notes the medication Max is taking. Mulder then asks for whatever Max wanted to show, which seems to be transmissions Max intercepted from the local police and fire safety frequencies. As they stand there, listening to the screams of innocent victims, you take time to note:

A) That Scully, thankfully, won't have to argue with the Punk about crop circles; even he doesn't buy into them

B) That Max housecleaning skills need improving...those dust bunnies shouldn't move like that...

C) That eager grin on Fox's face when they entered the trailer means he likes this kind of lifestyle...hope Dana enjoys cross-country trips in RVs...

9) While Mulder and Scully hunt through the evacuation centers for the surviving family members of the victimized sheriff's deputy, the military is closing in on the fiendish thingee. The lights flicker, the audio equipment is overwhelmed by a high-pitched broadcast, and Col. Henderson orders his troops in. As the unsuspecting soldiers get flambeed, you:

A) Wait for Scully to argue with Mulder that flickering lights do NOT mean aliens are standing by the light switch

B) Wonder why the troops don't wear infrared goggles when they know they're hunting an invisible...oh, because they're EXPENDABLE, just like those Redshirts on "Star Trek"...

C) Wish that Dana and Fox whip out their flashlights and keep repeating things like "I'm over here, Mulder" and "Take a look at this, Scully" because we know that's how they flirt in the dark...;-)

10) Mulder and Scully make it to the hospital to query the doctor who witnessed the burn victims from the night before. They're present as Henderson brings in his wounded, horribly cooked soldiers. Mulder rags on the colonel, debating his use of force, getting the officer mad enough to order the two agents out of there. The doctor, needing all the help he can get, demands that Scully stay to help. As the scene grows tense, you whisper to yourself:

A) "That's right, Scully can save those lives! She is, after all, the Enigmatic One!"

B) "Dammit, Mulder, do not argue with a man who carries more firearms than you do!"

C) "You notice how Fox goes quietly when Henderson gives in to the doctor's demands? It shows he's not about to ruin Dana's moment! Oh, that's love...(sigh)"

11) Mulder makes it back to the hotel in time to find Max suffering a seizure. Max reveals how he's always been subject to epileptic fits since he was a child, waking up in bizarre places with no memory or reason. As Mulder helps the poor guy get some rest, he notices a mark underneath Max's ear. As the realization dawns that Max is more than he seems, you discover:

A) That Scully's earlier notice of the medication means she'll discount any wild claims the poor Punk is going to make

B) That you've been scratching behind your ear a bit too much lately...uh-oh...

C) That Fox has a surprising amount of paternal qualities, qualities that may yet impress that redheaded partner of his...(deep sigh)

12) Scully comes back to find Mulder pulling up off his computer other cases of abductees with similar marks as Max's: Max is an abductee. Of course, Scully and Mulder argue about it. You note:

A) That you were right: Scully's knowledge of pharmaceuticals has prepared her to point out how delusional Max can...oh, so it's MULDER making the claim and not Max? Well, then, Scully's going to hafta check Mulder's medicine cabinet when they get back...

B) That Mulder should have brought Max in on the argument, instead of leaving him in the trailer where any extraterrestrial could waltz in and abduct the poor guy...

C) That all the arguing is, thank God, how these two flirt...with luck, we'll see some hand-holding afterward...(drool)

13) Max disappears before Scully can check his ear. They overhear on Max's scanner that Henderson's troops are closing in on the poor guy. Mulder races back to his car and insists on Scully giving him the car keys. You respond:

A) "Dammit, Scully, keep the keys! It's your turn to drive!"

B) "Hurry, guys! Two more soldiers named Private Expendable and Corporal Sucker have just spotted Max!"

C) "Guys! Save the back seat for later!"

14) Mulder and Scully race to find more dead soldiers and poor Max flipping out in an abandoned warehouse. Scully goes for help but gets caught by Henderson's troops, leaving the warehouse surrounded. Mulder is left to stop the invisible fiendish thingee, which flips Mulder over some crates rather than cook him. Mulder lives to see Max levitating in the light, possessed by the alien, his body convulsing as he ascends into the brightness above. As Henderson arrives too late, you ponder:

A) That Scully would have been a better witness to Max's Christ-like ascension from the earthly plane...oh, wait, this wasn't a religious episode, it's a UFO mytharc episode. No WONDER she didn't see a thing!...

B) Why doesn't the alien microwave Mulder like it did all those other...oh, because Duchovny doesn't look good in body-scar make-up. No WONDER the worst he gets is a bad ankle and a lousy hair-cut!...

C) Whether or not Dana is going to treat Fox's bad ankle with a massage and gentle bandaging session...oh, so that's why Henderson still puts the two under arrest even though the whole thing's pretty much over. No WONDER they go back to D.C. handcuffed together by themselves in the back of an MP van giving them a chance to sit close and talk about their favorite beverages and...well, it COULD happen!...

15) We return to FBI headquarters. Scully is being grilled by McGrath for Mulder's illegal use of FBI materials and breaking of protocol. Mulder then gets his turn, knowing full well the matter is an inquisition, learning that Henderson's report "found" Max's body rather than admit he had been abducted. Mulder gets in his speech about the Truth before limping away. As he does so, you note:

A) That the Punk always gets to make the big speech! Poor Scully wanted to, but that jerk McGrath kept cutting her off. Damn patriarchal system!

B) That Mulder was wrong about the gallows being built in the town square for his hanging. This is, after all, D.C. and this is 1993, just as the Whitewater witch-hunt started up...

C) They did! They did come back to D.C. together in the back of an MP van, and she did get to treat him! After all, who do you think got those crutches for Fox? As a doctor, Dana does get a good deal on medical supplies...;-)

BONUS: McGrath storms across a deserted pavilion to confront the man who countermanded the order to fire Mulder and close the X-Files. Deep Throat replies that it is better to keep Mulder where he is, that his singular "passion" poses an unique dilemma, that somehow it's important for the conspiracy to keep Mulder at his task, under their watchful eye, unless he would fall in with the wrong people. As Deep Throat concludes by quoting "Keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer," you think to yourself:

A) That the conspiracy keeps overlooking Scully, the one person who can break the X-Files wide open with her strict rationalism and scientific understanding...the Punk is just her decoy to keep them all distracted while she completes her work...(maniacal laughter)

B) That the person McGrath has to talk to is the guy controlling the Nielsen ratings...if they can get the viewing average lower than a high schooler's average GPA, THEN they can close the X-Files!...(maniacal laughter)

C) That there's a better quote we should hear: "We are gathered here today to witness this union between Fox Mulder and Dana Scully..." (deep sigh)

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you were a part of the OBSS (Order of the Blessed St. Scully) who's grateful for Max, as you can finally add the "E" to your identity and be a full-fledged OBSSE (Order of the Bless St. Scully the Enigmatic) member!

B) Then you are an X-Philer who's damn sure you saw all those soldiers get killed off on "Star Trek: the Next Generation" the year before...

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's certain Max was able to get a CD player as a wedding gift for Dana and Fox before he left for Reticula...(sigh)

The X-Files: Conduit 'Shipper Survey

Just as a reminder, I started the surveys in the Fifth season, so these recaps from Season One are following five years worth of additional continuity that hasn't happened yet.  Just treat it all as foreshadowing...

CONDUIT

1) The episode begins quietly at an Iowa campsite, two kids sleeping underneath the stars amidst the Douglas Firs, their mother turning fitfully in her trailer bed. Suddenly, the trailer shakes, light shines through the windows, and a little boy is left screaming for his sister. As the frantic mother looks up toward the stars crying for her daughter, you:

A) Flash back to "Twin Peaks" and realize that the girl has gone to the White Lodge where she's dancing with a backwards-talking midget (insert slow rhythmic music here)...

B) Look at your maps and wonder where the hell in Iowa you can find a mountain lake campsite!...

C) Wish that Dana and Fox were at that same moment looking at the same stars and talking about their favorite flavor of tea...

2) Blevins has called Scully to his office, handing over a request by Mulder to investigate the girl's disappearance, which apparently has only rated a tabloid headline. Blevins then brings up Samantha, pointing out the similarities to argue that Mulder's request is based on personal motivation. As Scully pauses poignantly to reflect on what was shared in "Pilot", you realize:

A) That Scully is worried that this case might lead to erratic behavior out of Mul... Oh, wait, that happens every episode, she should be getting used to it by now...

B) That Scully's pensiveness is really because she's busy wondering how there can be a mountain forest range in Iowa

C) That Dana's flashing back to that conversation she had with Fox and thinking if this might lead to another bedside chat, this time with HIM in his underwear (very wicked grin)

3) Scully goes back to the basement to share Blevins' concern about Mulder's interest in the case. Mulder tries to point out the location they're going to (Lake Ocabachi, or Lake Oog-Goo-Cha-Chug) is a great place for trout fishing and a hot spot for UFOs. When Scully replies, "Define hot spot," you:

A) Realize where it is Scully gets her Holy Trout from, with which she can slap the Punk from time to time

B) Consider the dietary habits of those pesky Reticulans...liver, onions, fish...what, no vegetables?!...

C) Groan, "Oh, Dana, if only Fox COULD define hot spot, and even better if he could show you..." <insert Roy Orbison growl here>

4) Mulder has convinced Scully of the need to investigate. They travel to Iowa and interview a nervous Darlene Morris (Carrie Snodgrass), while Mulder tries to connect with an emotionally distant Kevin (Joel Palmer) who's busy drawing ones and zeros and who points to the static on the t.v. saying his sister is in there. When that happens, you:

A) Know that Scully would have had more fun investigating the 100-year-old woman with the lizard baby

B) Scream for Mulder to head up to the girl's closet, jump through the dimension portal into the Beyond, pull the girl away from the Light, and then drag everybody out of the house before it sucks itself into oblivion like what happened in "Poltergeist"

C) Realize that Fox really is good with kids, so he and Dana should be a decent, happy family once they get married, move to Montana and raise some hybrid clone children (sigh)

5) Our heroes check in with local law enforcement, and "Mister Congeniality" Mulder gets, um, undiplomatic with the sheriff. Scully tries to warn her partner not to antagonize the locals because they might need their help later on. Mulder mutters something about bundt cakes before spotting a note on the car window. As he grabs it and reads it, you're pretty sure the message is:

A) "From: CC. To: GA and DD. Script change now has Scully driving the car. Move that seat up, David."

B) The best recipe for bundt cakes this side of my mother's, and her bundt cakes are damn good, let me tell you!

C) "From: CC. To: GA and DD. Script change now has Dana and Fox falling in love. Pucker up, guys, and watch out for bees."

6) They follow a girl into a library, where she furtively gives our heroes some more information on Ruby. As she whispers about some guy named Greg getting Ruby pregnant, you notice:

A) That the girl doesn't seem too helpful as an informant...I mean, she's not tipping them off to hybrid clone experiments or anything like that...

B) That the shelving at that library seems haphazard at best, and there's no call number labels on those books, and the space between shelves isn't up to ADA codes...damn, these guys need to hire a Rogue Librarian (shameless plug alert!)...

C) That the library has a few great places to hide, where two agents could get together and, um, hold hands (I can't recommend anything 'shippier than that, because the Librarian Within Me knows the library is no place for whoopee. That's what White House office space is for!)...

7) Mulder and Scully find their way to the beer joint, which is actually called the Pennsylvania Hotel and Pub. As they make their way past the beefy biker brigands, you note:

A) That Scully can out-drink, out-fight, and out-ride these wimps! Yipee-Kay-Ay!

B) That "It's Raining Men" is one of the menu options on that jukebox! Woo-hoo!

C) That Dana and Fox are really here for one o' them back rooms, and they're signing in as "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" thank you so very much! Yeeeeeess!

8) Mulder spots a tattoo on the bartender, and by faking it as a Skeptic gets some info on close encounters out by the lake. For you, the tattoo scene:

A) Thankfully has no voice-over by Jodie Foster

B) Is a grim reminder that the current state of body art has woefully fallen from intricate Maori designs and beautiful oriental dragons to cartoonish UFOs

C) Proves that Fox shouldn't flirt with strange bartenders and should stick with cute redheads

9) Scully is stirred from her slumber by shadowy figures standing outside her window. As she kicks back the bedsheets and reaches for her gun, you realize:

A) The Blessed Skeptic even wears that cross to bed! (genuflect)

B) That if her friends and family members try to surprise her on her next birthday, they're gonna get a nostril stuffed with the working end of a Sig Sauer!

C) That Fox isn't in bed with her, even though the government agents (like everyone else knows, except for those accursed NoRomos) broke into Dana's room expecting him to be there. Girl, you guys might as well live up to expectations and start sharing the same hotel room!...(sigh)

10) Agents from the NSA are chasing after that sheet of ones and zeros Mulder got from Kevin. They storm into the Morris home, arrest the mother and child, and begin to smash everything in sight. Mulder, underacting as always, is disgusted by the senseless destruction and mayhem. You realize:

A) That the Punk is going to have to do more than pick up that piggy bank...he's got to vacuum the floor, straighten out the books, clean the coffee mugs...

B) That Mulder's really flashing back not to his sister's abduction but to the time his mom turned his room upside down looking for his stash of Playboys

C) That Dana and Fox should have stayed back at the hotel and tried out the set of handcuffs in Dana's room... (sigh)

11) The NSA agents finally release Kevin and Ms. Morris when it's found the data sheets are random digitized bits of information that, oddly, can be interpreted by computers as graphical and audio files. Mulder and Scully try to apologize to Ms. Morris, but she is too embittered now to listen. As she storms off, you see that:

A) Scully is right that the government should pay for the damages, in fact she's going to grab those NSA agents and force them to vacuum the floor, straighten out the books, clean the coffee mugs...

B) Ms. Morris didn't know about her son's stash of Playboys

C) Fox sees in Morris' anger a reflection of his own angst, and that Dana has seriously got to give the big lug a big hug (hey, that rhymes!)...(sigh)

12) Mulder drives Scully off to the lake, convinced there are clues there, that Ruby is an abductee, that Kevin is a conduit to whoever took her. Scully poignantly tells Mulder she knows why Mulder is so intent now on finding Ruby, that he is driven by his own demons. As the tension grows within the car, you shout to the screen:

A) "Dammit, Scully, get behind the wheel of the car next time and drive the Punk to the nearest psychiatric clinic!"

B) "That drive to the lake's gonna be a long one. Lake Okeechobee is all the way down here in South Florida! Oh, wait, I keep misspelling the lake name...sorry..."

C) "Guys! Relax! Just pull the car over, get in the back seat, and do some serious, um, hand-holding!"

13) They make it to the lake, where Mulder finds evidence of intense heat from the melted sand and the burnt treetops. A low growl catches Scully's attention, and the agents stand there as a white wolf comes out of the forest to stare at them. As the beautiful, almost haunting scene takes your breath away, you suddenly realize:

A) That GA would make for a damn good Red Riding Hood if Disney ever gets around to filming the story

B) There shouldn't be any mountains in Iowa! It's a Great Plains state! It's flatter than drywall!

C) That this would be a great place for Fox and Dana to camp for a honeymoon...as long as it isn't UFO season...

14) Mulder finds a grave site, and starts pulling away the rocks. Scully tries to stop him, warning that he's disturbing a crime scene. Mulder turns to her, growling, "What if it's her? I need to know." You respond to this by:

A) Slapping your Mulder voodoo doll with a trout fresh from Lake Okaboingee

B) Pointing out Samantha Mulder was nowhere near...oh, wait, that's not the "her" he's referring to, is it?...

C) Demanding that Dana hold Fox's hand, distracting him long enough for the police to respond to the reports of gunfire filed by the other campers. Then, as the police take over the investigation, she can lead poor Fox to a nice, quiet part of the park, where they can watch the stars come out and move closer to each other, gently wrapping their arms around each other as they turn towards each other and slowly but surely lean in to kiss...OW! (writer gets stung by a bee) Oh, no............

after a brief medical emergency

15) The police arrive and crawl over the crime scene. Mulder and Scully stand to one side. Scully asks Mulder how he's feeling. "I'm fine," he mutters. You notice:

A) That the ratio of times Scully has said "I'm fine" compared to Mulder saying "I'm fine" over the full five seasons and movie is 135-to-1!!!

B) That the sheriff rubbed a dead guy's wallet against his chin! Eeeeeeeewww...

C) That Dana really needs to hold Fox's hand when she asks that: it improves the moment

16) They find evidence from Greg's body pointing toward the girl in the library. They drag in Tessa for interrogation, getting her to admit to being in the forest waiting to catch Ruby and Greg together, but that Ruby didn't even show. While Scully is convinced that Tessa's admission of killing Greg also points to her killing Ruby, Mulder is still convinced that Ruby has been abducted and wants to interview Kevin again. Scully calls out, "Mulder, stop running after your sister!" As Mulder turns to answer, you reply:

A) "He can't help it. She's got the house keys!"

B) "He's not running after her. He's after those Reticulans for not paying their bill on those liver-and-onion meals they ordered!"

C) "He has to find her. How else can he make sure she'll show up at the wedding?"

17) The make it to the Morris home, where they run past a satellite dish into an unlocked domicile. They find the family room floor covered with sheets of ones and zeroes, and poor Mulder just sits there, pondering it all. As Scully stumbles up the stairs, looks down and utters her trademark "Oh my God," you notice:

A) That it's always up to Scully to see something the Punk keeps overlooking

B) That satellite dish is pointed toward Wyoming. Hmm, and those ones and zeroes...they have to be earth coordinates. Quick, to Devil's Tower!...

C) That Kevin has a really good eye for art...reminds me of Impressionist style... (I know, it's not a 'Shippy thing to say, but needed to be said)

18) They race back to Lake Obi-Wan in twilight, where they find Ms. Morris slightly injured and Kevin stumbling further into the dark woods. Mulder chases after him, as the fog-filled forest is suddenly brightened by a distant light that moves closer. As Kevin calmly walks into the light as the roar of engines echoes through the trees, you think:

A) Those lights can't be a UFO...they only show up in the rear-view mirrors of Indiana Power and Electric repair trucks!...

B) At last! We get to see a UFO! Let's hope it doesn't look like a hubcap (again!)...

C) Dammit! All these bikers driving through the forest at night means this won't be a good place for Dana and Fox's honeymoon! Looks like they'll hafta do Niagra Falls like every other newlywed couple...

19) They find Ruby in a coma. Later in the hospital, Mulder notes some of the medical incongruities suggests the girl was exposed to prolonged weightlessness. They try to interview Ruby, but her mother intervenes. Eager to protect her children from the ridicule she herself had suffered, Ms. Morris refuses to cooperate or to tell the truth any longer. As Mulder gets that lost-puppy-dog look (trademark pending) on his face, you decide:

A) That the poor Punk deserves some sympathy this episode...but if he acts like a jerk in the next episode Scully should hurt him like a beast woman...

B) That the poor guy shouldn't have vacuumed the floor and cleaned the coffee mugs for her after all...

C) Poor Fox can't win for trying. He and Dana should retire, get married, and move to Texas where they can work as bounty hunters every week in FOX Network's next big hit "Red and the Fox: Hunters For Hire"!

20) Scully is seen back in the basement, looking at Samantha's X-File and listening to the therapy tapes where Mulder regresses back to the abduction. We still hear the tapes as the camera shifts to Mulder sitting alone in a church, weeping for his lost sister, his broken childhood, the shattered conch shell and the fall of the true wise friend Piggy. As the screen goes black with Mulder's haunting words "I...want to believe," we conclude:

A) That the writer of this survey should try reading "Moby Dick" more often instead of "Lord of the Flies!"

B) That if Mulder went to the National Cathedral he could have sat under the stained-glass window with a moon rock in the center of it! Cool!

C) That Dana, after listening to the tapes, should see the sad, sensitive side of Fox and conclude that he's not a jerk but obsessed with his work, and instead of dating divorced medical...oh, wait, that's NEXT episode...

Mulder's Puppy Eyes (patent pending)

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSEr who goes to Lake Ohmygod to get your holy trout

B) Then you are an X-Philer who thinks the subtle nods to "Close Encounters" in this episode would have been more fun if they included a wild UFO/car chase like Spielberg had in his movie

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's disappointed all the angst in this episode didn't equate into serious amounts of hand-holding...(sigh)