Sunday, May 31, 2015

Links: The Mary Sue Is Doing Newbie Recaps

Just in case anyone coming fresh to the series wants a review of the show from Season One onwards, you can follow the Mary Sue's Newbie Recaps here.

This week was a two-fer for GenderBender and Lazarus, not exactly the strongest episodes but at least in GenderBender's case a memorable one.

EDIT: I tried adding the Newbie Recaps as a feed to the links, but it won't take.  Dammit.  You're just gonna have to bookmark that to your browser then.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Link: An X-Phile Finds Mulder Avenue and Scully Way

This is from 2008-09, and it's apparently an open secret in Ottawa, Canada (eh):

Out of curiosity, I plopped that intersection into Google maps only to find out that it was IN my city! Over half an hour drive from where I live but today, I finally made my way out there and got rather giddy as I saw the street signs. 
I am forever in love with the unknown person who decided to name these intersecting streets Mulder Avenue and Scully Way. I promised people photos, so here you go. :) 

So here you go, straight from Melanie R.'s camera:

This is from a community site, which has picked up in activity with the incoming series revival.  I'll add them to the Links tab to the right.

Filming is scheduled to start soon.

Squeeing had started like, what, five months ago.

Fun times!

Friday, May 22, 2015

The X-Files: The Unnatural 'Shipper Survey

As we're entering into Memorial Day weekend and there's not a lot of 'ship-worthy X-Files episodes wrapped around the honoring of our war veterans, I kinda have to look to something else that fits this weekend.


Leading in to one of the 'Shipping-est episodes of the X-Files roster, Season Six's The Unnatural:

So, what's the rule about third base again...?
The rules to this game are simple: you throw the ball, you catch the ball, you SHIP OUT TO MULDER AND SCULLY SWINGING THE BAT LIKE THEY'RE ON A DATE AND STUFF OH GOD YEAH.

...ahem.  There is a survey that follows.


1) The place: Roswell. The time: July 2, 1947. There's a bright light in the distance. As the camera swings about, you realize:

A) A weather balloon carrying crash-test dummies can give off quite a natural glow, ya?

B) That in 1947, events were set in motion leading up to the creation of a hybrid mix of X-Files and Dawson's Creek forging a t.v. show to be broadcast on the Dubya-Bee in 1999!

C) That it's too soon! Dana and Fox aren't even born yet, so there's no UST to whine aboot! Noooo...:-(

2) Whoops, instead of a UFO crashing in the New Mexico desert, it's a baseball game (?!) As the near-sighted pitcher keeps abusing a poor defenseless cactus with his lousy knuckleball, you:

A) Loudly announce you don't believe in the existence of knuckleballs...after all the aerodynamics of that supposed pitch can't be proven in the realm of physics!

B) Turn to your grandfather and ask, "Pops, did you have baseball back in those days?" And he'll answer, "Sure, but in my day we had to play with pumpkins...while swinging a ten feet of snow...uphill...both ways!..."

C) Wonder if this will be another time-travel episode, where Dana goes back in time and runs into a 1947 version of Fox and gets a chance to kiss him! (hopeful sigh)

3) A Negro League team is playing a white team in the desert, where a black player named Exley is talked about as the next black in the major leagues. After Exley hits his 61 home run, everyone celebrates...until the Klu Klux Klan rides in threatening to lynch him. The white pitcher, however, finally gets his swerve on and nails the Klan leader with a beaner. The players turn the tables and the white manager confronts the shaken Klansman. When he removes the white hood, you expect to see:

A) Pat Buchanan

B) Pat Buchanan

C) Well, since this is the X-Files, you usually get alien grey, but considering it's a doofus wearing a pillow sheet over his head, you finally answer with Pat Buchanan (Writer mumbles, "He makes me ashamed to be a registered Republican...")  (note: as of 2002 I quit the party, because the SOBs quit on us)

NOTE: The tag line is "In the Big Inning." O-ho. He-he. I fear I breathe my last. Etc.

4) The time shifts to the present day. Spring is in the air, and Scully is on t.v. providing coverage of the Dodgers. No, that's *Vin* Scully. Poor Dana Scully is in the basement of the Hoover Building lugging about books that are twice the size she is. After dropping the books off on someone's desk (you can take a guess whose), she looks out a window and complains that on a day like today, they should be outside getting a life instead of inside reading old newspapers. When Mulder replies, "I have seen the life on this planet, Scully, and that is exactly why I am looking elsewhere," you reply:

A) "Look, you sad Punk, you may not a have a life, but you shouldn't be dragging the Blessed One down with you into your own personal Hell! (trout-slap)"

B) "Oh, like the Oum-Galgi of Pentax Omega are a barrel of laughs to be with!"

C) "No! Don't look elsewhere, Fox! Look right next to you! Take Dana out to a picnic! (sigh)"

5) Scully sighs and pulls out her snack for the day. Mulder takes notice, and wonders if she brought ice cream for everyone. Scully grins and answers, "It's not ice cream. It's a nonfat tofutti rice dreamsicle." To which you answer:

A) "Hey! Whatever happened to cookie dough ice cream?!"

B) "What? A nonfat tofutti rice...uh-oh. No human could ever eat something like that! She's a clone! She's a clone! RUN!"

C) "Oh, c'mon, Dana, you can share! Just lean in and wave it temptingly in front of F...the dreamsicle. Wave the dreamsicle!"

6) This leads to a scene where Mulder and Scully toss cliches at one another. You:

A) Toss your Punk voodoo doll

B) Toss your cookies

C) Toss aside all preconceptions of the UST. This is serious flirting, boys and girls! Woo-hoo!!!

7) Mulder jumps up and wrestles with Scully for her...her...non-ice-cream thingee. You note:

A) That the Punk, as always, is being a selfish, childish Punk! Trout-slap him, Scully!

B) That no sane man would fight for a nonfat ANYthing! He's a shape-shifting alien! RUN!

C) That they'll spill the nonfat tofutti rice dreamsicle all over each other, meaning they'll have to lick it off one another, leading up to...YES! YES! YES!

8) Mulder has lousy aim and the nonfat thingee spills on the book instead of his partner ('Shippers everywhere are screaming "Aw, NUTS!"). Scully looks down to see that Mulder has been, instead of looking for UFOs, looking at RBIs. Scully, for some reason, cannot comprehend anyone's interest in baseball, but you, for some reason, cannot comprehend that:

A) The Blessed One would give up her Saturdays to help the Punk work on his fantasy baseball league! Like he ever helps Scully on her fantasy football league! (mutter grumble)

B) They would have newspaper clippings from 1947 devoted entirely on baseball when there were more important things to write about, like alien invasions and liver-eating mutants!

C) Dana and Fox aren't tipping those books off the desk and using it for a quickie! Aw, c'mon, you two! Nobody's watching!... (sigh)

9) Mulder suddenly spots a photo clipping of a young Arthur Dales talking to a black baseball player while an eeriely familiar face is in the distance... Faking a sneeze, he tears the page out of the book (the writer of this survey, being a librarian, screams a blood-curdling scream of utter horror and disgust. NO YOU SICK BASTID! YOU STOLE A PAGE FROM A LIBRARY BOOK! DIE YOU MUTANT PIGDOG DIE!) and runs off without telling Scully where he's going. As she mutters "Rebel" after him, you answer:

A) "Rebel? You want rebel? Go watch a James Dean flick! Mulder's a page-stealing Punk who's ditching you AGAIN! But quick, knock his nameplate off the desk and claim it as your own! That ought to teach him!"


C) "Ack! Fox! You forgot your manners and didn't kiss Dana good-bye before running off! No wonder you two haven't made out yet!..."

Okay, Chris Carter, David Duchovny, any and all lawyers representing all sides in this matter, as a librarian I am making a formal protest against your defilement of library property, namely Mulder's unnecessary tearing out of a page when all he had to do was make a photocopy of it. By his actions, he will influence others to deface library materials which will hinder other library patrons needing such resources for legitimate research needs. I request that a formal apology be given to the American Library Association, and that further broadcasts of this episode come with a disclaimer reminding people not to destroy library books. I await your reply. (note: more than ten years later, I have yet to receive a reply. I haven't forgotten this, DUCHOVNY.  YOUR SINS HAUNT YOU...)

10) Mulder races off to find Arthur Dales, returning to the set used for that horrendous non-Scully episode Travelers. Expecting Darren McGavin to answer, instead we get esteemed character actor M. Emmet Walsh answering as Arthur Dales. He explains that he and the retired FBI agent are brothers whose parents never got a baby name book, hence the fact that the two boys, their sister, and the pet goldfish were all named "Arthur." You realize:

A) That having a unique name like "Fox" is actually a blessing. The Punk should feel grateful...

B) That vanity plates for this family is a moot issue

C) That conversations must have been like this: "Arthur? Did you feed Arthur?" "Don't look at me. Ask Arthur." "Arthur! It's your turn to clean Arthur's castle!" Etc. etc. (insert scream of the damned here)

11) Mulder and Arthur Deuce discuss that which really matters: collecting Star Wars action-figures. Well, they should. Instead, they talk baseball, leading up to Arthur's question if Mulder believed love can change a man. Mulder answers that, you know, when you meet that special redhead and all... Arthur Deuce retorts, "I'm not talking about women. I'm talking about love. Passion. Like the passion you have for proving extra-terrestrial life. Do you believe that passion can change your very nature? Can make you shape-shift from a man into something other than a man?" You take these rhetorical questions and:

A) Realize these are more philosophical in bent, and do not require answers in a scientific, rational manner

B) Ask your own rhetorical question involving woodchucks, wood, and the act of chucking

C) Answer "Damn right love can change a man! But Fox, dammit, you've got to let Dana change you! Let her heal your soul! Let her mend your heart! Let her operate on that ingrown toenail you call your love life!" (romantic sigh)

12) Arthur Deuce begins his tale (once Mulder pays the nice man with the hat) of working as a policeman in Roswell, looking to protect a Negro League star player, Josh Exley, whom the racial extremists have targeted to keep Blacks out of Major League Baseball. Riding the bus with the team, he spots a reflection of Exley just as lightning strikes in the distance, revealing the face of an alien grey. Mulder can't believe a baseball player was an alien. Arthur Deuce notes that all the great players were aliens. You note:

A) see B)

B) see C)

C) That it makes absolutely perfect bloody sense! How else can you explain Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa?!?!  (note: in hindsight, this was not that funny...)

13) Continuing his story, Arthur Deuce describes one day where he spies two burly white men plotting something insidious. He jumps on Exley to protect him, but he notices the two whites were just aiming water pistols at an unsuspecting matron of the fine art of hardball. (Hey, reading George Will *does* come in handy!) Arthur Deuce tries to explain away his actions by claiming he was knocking away some giant bee. You answer:

A) "Damn bee!"

B) "Damn bee!"

C) "Damn Slashers, uh, I mean Damn bee!"

14) After a beanball nails Ex on the head, Arthur Deuce hears him talk gibberish and spies green acidic goo on a glove. He turns the glove over to a skeptical non-redheaded scientist and talks with a police officer from Exley's supposed hometown. When we see the police officer is really the Alien Bounty Hunter, we realize:

A) That this guy looks like one of the punks who hassled Arnold in the Terminator movie back in 1984! Hey, didn't he get his heart ripped out?...

B) That the Alien Bounty Hunter must not be paid well by the Syndicate since he seems to have a second job and all...

C) That a show without Dana is a show without a resolution to all this sexual tension! Bring back the redhead!

15) Later that night, Arthur Deuce hears a noise in Exley's room. Quietly picking the lock, he sneaks into Josh's darkened room and turns on the light to alien grey working on his hitting stance. The grey screams. Arthur screams. The grey screams back. Arthur screams and faints. You:

A) Turn to the two robotic friends sitting next to you on the sofa and say, "Girly scream, Tom, girly scream, Crow."**

B) Scream because someone spilled nonfat tofutti...what do you mean, you're sitting there by yourself?! Then who...? (Scream)

C) Cry (not scream) because Dana and Fox haven't held hands yet and the episode is half-way finished! (weep) (wail)

**This was gleaned from an MSTied version of "Jose Chung's From Outer Space" written by Robert Coakley (I had helped a little on that one). He used to have a web site containing a lot of the Season Three episodes that were MSTied by him, but it's gone now. :-(

16) Ex does what he can to wake Arthur Deuce, who keeps fainting. Finally, he stays conscious long enough to ask Exley if this is what he really looks like. Exley tries to prove he's a shape-shifter by turning into a sexy blonde. As she (?) slides into the lap of an increasingly uncomfortable Arthur, you shout at the screen:

A) "Damn blonde!"

B) "Damn Yankees!"

C) "Damn Slashers, uh, I mean Damn bee!"

17) Exley explains to Arthur Deuce how he fell in love with baseball, and fled from his "people" so he could play the game, which to aliens seem incomprehensible. As they get off the bus, Ex spots the Alien Bounty Hunter and realizes the gig is up. The scientist who tested the green goo for Arthur Deuce finds it's of an unearthly origin, but then "Exley" shows up and kills the scientist, quickly flashing the face of the Bounty Hunter. Arthur goes to warn Ex he had been framed, but Exley says he's leaving and going back to his community. Arthur tries to talk him out of it with cliches about teamwork and all, while Exley bounces back a few cliches of his own. You:

A) Ponder out loud, "What is it with sports and lame cliches?"

B) Respond to the OBSSE acolyte sitting next to you with a "Remember Bull Durham? It's like Crash says, you gotta know your cliches, they're your friends. Repeat after me: 'I'm just here to help the ball club...'"

C) Sigh, "When are Dana and Fox gonna do it?" (Writer notes this is the point where the other two X-Philers stop talking about Kevin Costner movies and start slapping you with their trouts)

18) The show repeats the opening scene in the desert. When the hood comes off to show the dizzy grey alien blinking, most everybody runs off. The grey stands and reverts to the face of the Bounty Hunter, who is disappointed more than angered over Exley's recklessness doing something as worthless as "a game." He prepares to execute Ex for his sins, demanding the ball player show "his true face." Exley replies that it is his face, so the grey executioner accepts this and proceeds to shove that pointed stick in Exley's neck. Arthur Deuce shows up too late and witnesses the execution. When he cradles Exley in his arms, finding red blood instead of green (signifying Exley's transformation into a human being), you realize:

A) That this cannot be counted as a miracle since the Blessed Redhead is nowhere in sight!

B) That the good news is Exley is dying a man, but the bad news...well...

C) That humming "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" at this moment is going to get you another trout-slap from your fellow Philes!

19) After a showy overblown shot of the aged Arthur Dales pining for an absent friend (okay, David, you know how to direct. Thank you for pointing that out...), the scene shifts to a ballpark at night. Scully FINALLY shows up (after suffering 40 minutes of withdrawal) to find Mulder working on his batting swing. One thought sticks to your brain cells:

A) When Gillian directs her own X-Files episode, she's gonna keep it simple and sweet, not showy like the Pu...uh, David's work. Whoops, gotta keep the actors and the characters as separate entities in my...screw it! Gillian IS Scully! David IS Mulder! Gizzie IS that third extra on the left holding a hot dog!...

B) Hey! Whatever happened to the goldfish?!

C) Ooh! A moonlit night! In an open field! They're going, nuts, there's that kid working the pitching machine! Damn it all!

20) Mulder offers to teach Scully how to swing the bat. She stands at the plate while Mulder hovers right behind her (WHOA), wrapping his arms around to help Scully hold the bat (GASP), occasionally dropping a hand to her thighs (JAW DROP) to guide her hips (YOWZA) as she masters her swing (pant pant). When she tells him, "Shut up, Mulder, I'm playing baseball," you conclude this episode:

A) With a hale and hearty cheer for Scully as she hits those dingers like she was Mark McGwire (note: in hindsight, not an apt comparison...)

B) With a puzzled, "No, really, what happened to the goldfish?"

C) With the sudden and permanent tossing out of your Bull Durham tape. Screw that, you've got *this* episode to keep your erotic baseball desires going for the rest of your life! (orgasmic grin)

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSE member who hits .275 lifetime, has a .993 fielding percentage, and two Golden Gloves in your brilliant hardball career

B) Then you are an X-Phile with a 1.87 ERA, averaging 8.3 strikeouts a game and a winning average of 20 games a season

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who has never hit a home run...(depressing sigh)...but you get the feeling Dana and Fox will (figuratively speaking) once the kid leaves! (orgasmic sigh)

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Okay, So This Happened

It's shown up here and there in the news:

David Duchovny aka Agent Fox Mulder performed at The Cutting Room in New York on Tuesday...
...Duchovny sang from his new album, Hell or Highwater. For his encore he performed a cover of Neil Young’s “Helpless,” and Gillian Anderson aka Special Agent Dana Scully joined him on stage and made us all weak at the knees...

So yeah, kinda towards the end of the night, this happened:

So of course, the media is all expecting us X-Phile 'Shippers to go "AAAAAAAH ZOMG IT'S SO REAL SQUEEEEEEEEE."

...well, we are...

SQUEEEEEEEE says Mary Sue...

And then Gillian Anderson joined him on stage, and the two of them collectively broke everyone in that room.
They teased each other, fist-bumped, and gave each other affectionate pecks. They sung “Helpless” by Neil Young and “Thank You” by Sly & The Family Stone with the band and surprise guest Madeleine Martin, who played Duchovny’s daughter on Californication. Somewhere in my haze of feels, I managed to take some photos and video – much of it ending up on my various social media accounts. I glanced away for a second, and my notifications blew up. I didn’t cry like I had expected to, but I couldn’t get the goofy grin off my face for hours afterward. (And I’m writing this all down now because I don’t want to forget a single second of it.)


Monday, May 11, 2015

News: Schedule confirmed for new episodes in 2016!


The Fox channel site says the new mini-season will air January 24th following the NFC Championship game (most likely Dallas losing to MY BOYS the Tampa Bay Bucs bwhaha).

The next mind-bending chapter of THE X-FILES debuts with a special two-night event beginning Sunday, Jan. 24 (10:00-11:00 PM ET/7:00-8:00 PM PT), following the NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME, and continuing with its time period premiere on Monday, Jan. 25 (8:00-9:00 PM ET/PT). The thrilling, six-episode event series, helmed by creator/executive producer Chris Carter and starring David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson as FBI Agents FOX MULDER and DANA SCULLY, marks the momentous return of the Emmy- and Golden Globe Award-winning pop culture phenomenon, which remains one of the longest-running sci-fi series in network television history...
The TRUTH Is Out There on Mondays... really?  Monday?  We're not going to get back to Fridays like before?  Just one Sunday nighter?  I'm not used to this, this is off my schedule... I gotta re-wire my internal mental clock now... sigh.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

The X-Files: Agua Mala 'Shipper Survey

We're skipping around a bit because of real-world issues - and lack of focus - to where I'm not about to get new surveys written for Season One.  Need to find time to work on them (hoping to get around to doing "Ice" next).

In the meanwhile, here's me placating you lot with a personal favorite for several reasons.  One: it was cheap and easy to put together, and Two: it involves the show openly mocking my home state of Florida on a regular basis.

True story: the episode did broadcast just as a tropical storm was rolling in while I lived in South Florida, so I had every reason to break the Fourth Wall to bring this survey of blood-chilling terror to you.

That said, here goes:


1) The episode begins on a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang...oh, wait. That's been done. A mother and her son are working to board up the windows and stop up the drainage, but not because of an incoming hurricane. As they get caught in the grip of a fiendish thingee, you:

A) Worry that St. Scully is going to have to deal with a hentai monster right out of some ultra-graphic anime cartoon

B) Wonder why there's showing a hurricane episode in the middle of February...hurricane season is between June and November

C) Picture Dana and Fox trapped by themselves in a hurricane shelter, huddled together as the wind and rain pound the building while they whisper before a poorly-lit lamp...deep romantic sigh...

2) The hurricane still wreaks its havoc upon the Sunshine State. An elderly figure listens to the reports on his radio, checking in on the missing family and sneering at the dim local constabulary unable to figure out what had happened. There's a knock at the door, where he opens it to find a pair of wet FBI agents, one of whom asks Arthur Dales (Darren McGavin) if they can step inside. You answer:

A) "Great! Scully has to deal with another wiseass this episode! Sheesh!"

B) "What? Him again? Oh, like he was a bucket of fun the last time around!"

C) "Oh no! He's going to embarrass Fox about that wedding ring he saw in 'Travelers', and poor Dana is going to have a conniptic fit!"

3) Dales wants to know who Mulder's partner is. DALES: "Did you tell her what I told you?"

MULDER: "Yes, but she's... she's not the type that's easily persuaded." SCULLY: "What he means is I don't hear a story about a sea monster and automatically assume it's the Lord's gospel truth." This means:

A) That the gospel truth Scully refers to is the Scullyist Bible as preached by the OBSSE sisterhood...especially take note of Sister Emily's Book of Sea Monsters, in which the OBSSE explains away the existence of Big Blue, Nessie, and the captain of the Exxon Valdez

B) That Mulder more than likely told Scully they were coming down to Florida to get their revenge on the relatives of the alligator that ate Queequeg

C) That what Fox means by "not easily persuaded" is that Dana thinks he's kidding when he tells her he loves her...damn it all...(weep)

4) Dales tells them of the Shipleys' plight, that Mrs. Shipley saw her husband attacked by tentacles in their bathroom and that he fears the worst for her and their son. The agents shrug and head back out into the storm to check it out. Dales warns Scully not to sneer at the mysteries of the deep... "The bottom of the ocean is as deep and dark as the imagination." Your imagination:

A) Has the Blessed One solving not only this X-File but also stopping the diabolical conspiracy, defeating the aliens (even though she doesn't believe in them), and moving back to San Diego so she can make a flirtatious nuisance of herself with that detective, whasisname, Kersage? Yeah, that's it...

B) Has Mulder and Scully traveling into the past a long time ago, to a galaxy far far away, where they learn the ways of the Force and become Jedis like their fathers before them...hmm, or did somebody already write that fanfic?

C) Has Dana and Fox performing wild passionate sex and getting married and...well, duh! This IS the choice answer for 'Shippers, you know!...

5) Mulder and Scully make it to the Shipleys, where they find all the doors and windows boarded up from the inside, as though they were keeping something other than the storm outside. Mulder spots a pile of goo on the washing machine pipes and just like always sticks his fingers into it. They get a scare when the washing machine lid pops up, and when you see the cat stick his head out you take the moment to:

A) Scowl, "Dammit, Mulder, you need the rubber gloves more than Scully does! And I hope that's not the finger you pick your nose with, either!" (grumble)

B) Screech, "Oh GOD NO! KILLER KITTIES! Oh, wait, Shiban didn't write this one...but this Amman guy should know better than to go there!" (grumble)

C) Weep, "Will these two ever get to Key West for their honeymoon before the hurricane washes it all into the sea? Noooooo..." (wail)

6) Mulder and Scully work to open the bathroom door, forced to hold their mini-flashlights in their mouths. Sadly, a local deputy takes this moment to make a nuisance of himself, figuring the dynamic duo for looters. MULDER: We're FBI. DEPUTY: Don't all the nuts roll downhill to Florida...For all I know, you could be part of the Manson family. You retort:

A) "Mulder? Part of the Manson family? Oh, well, that explains EVERYTHING!!!"

B) "Nuts? Florida? You should know, Deputy Dawg, you live here!!!"

C) "Hey! All that talk on the newsgroups about flashlights being a Freudian slip just might be on the mark...well, one way or a mother..."

7) The cat fortuitously distracts the deputy so Mulder can grab the gun and Scully can flash her badge. The deputy worries if Mulder's going to shoot him. When Mulder says he's tempted, you reply:

A) "Dammit, Mulder! You know full well you'll only miss again, even at this range! Save the bullet so Scully can use it later!"

B) "Yes! Strike him down, and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete!" (maniacal laughter)

C) "Fox! Just send him back out into the storm so you and Dana can play with the flashlights some more!" (writer gets trout-slapped by the morality police)

8) Scully waits in the car while Mulder checks the bathroom. He returns with goo and rumors of goo, but no conclusive evidence. They debate the rationality of monster-hunting. You know:

A) Scully just wants to go somewhere where's the weather is calm, the sky is blue, and the surf isn't higher than most skyscrapers...those 50-foot waves can really ruin her day at the beach...

B) Mulder just wants to catch this thing so he can write another report for Omni magazine...what do you mean, it's out of print?! This...this is the Conspiracy's fault!!!

C) This is how they flirt! (deep romantic sigh)

9) Mulder and Scully try to leave the island, but it's too late: the bridges are out and the deputies think all the nuts roll down to Florida (Writer: dammit, why can't we build a gutter so those nuts roll to Texas? mutter grumble... ). Meanwhile, Deputy Dawg has arrived at a condo to check for remaining victims, uh, occupants. He checks an open door, and sees someone, or what's left of someone, going to the bathroom. When the tentacle strikes, you:

A) Decide that from now on, you'll do it standing up...and to hell with anatomy!

B) Flinch in horror as you realize that nobody has to go THAT badly!

C) Realize this isn't the best place for Fox and Dana to go for their honeymoon...maybe they should try Newark and their safe sewer system...

10) Our intrepid heroes try to navigate through the storm, but they're not having much fun. Mulder tries to make light of it, saying they'll look back on this and laugh, viewing the experience as a way of testing their mettle. "I don't need my mettle tested," retorts Scully, and you react:

A) With a roof-raising cheer! Battle on, St. Scully! And when a trout flies by, you just reach out and grab it and use it upside the Punk's thick head!

B) With a sad shake of the head. We all must face the power and majesty of the universal forces that are aligned against us, for which we have but one defense...laughter. (Writer: I think Twain was the one who thought of that. Anyone else confirm or deny?)

C) With a sizeable amount of teeth-gnashing and wailing. They aren't using this time for any serious amount of hand-holding!!!

11) Mulder and Scully reach the same condo. They check out the rooms, finding the deputy frozen in a form of toxic shock, stinger marks all across his neck. As the deputy has a hard time breathing, Scully performs field surgery and makes a tracheotomy to fit a tube in the throat. While Mulder flinches his way through this and makes note of the mess left in the bathroom, you:

A) Nod in acceptance toward the medical knowledge of the Blessed One, who will now use her knowledge to become a spokesperson for the Ab Roller...

B) Worry that Mulder is sticking his fingers into all this goo without realizing what it is he's touching...eew, stop it! You're grossing us out! I hope you don't eat with that hand!...

C) Wonder if Fox was looking for any pamphlets or floor plans for this know, as a nice place to retire with the missus after raising them hybrid kids in Montana and all...

12) Mulder goes to round up the remaining occupants of the condo: a looter and a Hispanic couple, wife way too pregnant and not exactly a shiny happy person anyway. You consider the situation and determine:

A) Uh-uh. Pregnant woman. And the looter probably has asthma. And the Hispanic husband's going to suffer a heart attack. Poor Saint, she's going to earn her paycheck this week the hard way!

B) All they need now is a retired Army sergeant with a limp, a young teenage couple looking to get married after college, a hip middle-aged black guy played by John Amos or Isaac Hayes, and an army of blonde zombies banging at the windows shouting "Bee husbandry" and we'll be set for life, Frankie!

C) That if only they had a Catholic priest handy, then we could get a quicky wedding done right here! (deep sigh)

13) Mulder tries to get the last occupant, a survivalist named George Vincent who's more paranoid than Spooky is. After trying to reason with the psycho, Mulder finally mutters, "All the nuts roll downhill to Florida." You retort:

A) see B)

B) see C)

C) "Hey! I resemble that remark! What bothers me is this episode's assertion that the Sunshine State is swarmed with sea monsters! That's an urban legend! Don't believe the hype!"

14) The gun nut rants to himself as tentacles start working their way into his overhead lights. Mulder and Scully's arguments over getting the wounded deputy out is interrupted as gunfire erupts. As Mulder bangs on the door, you:

A) Wonder why Scully needs to move the deputy anywhere, she should have the medical wherewithal to...hey, what's that squishy noise coming from the bath...oh My GOD! Aaaaaa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...


















C) Back back back! Down down down! Go go go! Die, you mutant Seafood from Hell! Die, die die!!!!!!! (pant) (gasp) Damn, I thought I sprayed for those damn sea monsters last month!...

19) The storm is over. The sky is clear. Scully stands outside Dales' trailer confirming something over her phone. Mulder is inside, grinning as he shows off his scars to Dales. Scully enters to confirm the name of the healthy baby she delivered during the crisis. Dales congratulates her for bringing in new life as she defeated the monster and saved Mulder. Mulder tries to argue he figured out when he was attacked that the cat was safe because it stayed wet in fresh water, not the salt water that the creature relied on. Nonetheless, Dales is convinced that Scully is an ideal partner for Mulder, and that if he had one like her in his day, he might not have retired so early and embittered. You take this all in and realize:

A) That Dales is right. Scully IS the reason the Punk's still alive! And you should be grateful for it, you would-be fish food!

B) That Dales is just trying to worm his way back into the FBI, posing as a "mentor" for these two while he secretly plots to steal all their pencils! Stop him, guys!

C) That Dales is hinting very strongly that Dana and Fox were meant for each other! (note: 'Shipper On Deck) Yes!!! So will you two stop trying to hide your feelings with the flirtatious arguing and secretive hand-holding? If you're worried about the rules on fraternization, we'll look the other way! Honest! (deep satisfying sigh)

20) Dales offers a congratulatory drink. He looks about for some alcohol, and then offers water. "NO!" shout Mulder and Scully with one voice, letting you conclude with this thought:

A) Are we going to see the Blessed One hold her liquor while drinking these two under the table?

B) Does this mean every monster of the week can be dissolved in water? That's going to ruin a lot of story ideas, don't you think?

C) Ah, if only they would say "YES" with the same fervor...especially before family members, maids of honor, best men, and an Elvis Impersonator/Holy Man...(deep Elvis sigh)

If you more often than not answered:

A) B) or C) what's the difference? You're a nut. Think about it. You're not only a fan of a crazed conspiracy show that's more than 20 years old, you're obsessed enough to hunt down obscure 'Shipper surveys online just to re-live the drama of UST!  So... C'mon down to sunny Florida, where the weather's nice, the people are real friendly, and the sea monsters AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa... 

Sunday, May 3, 2015

The X-Files: Bad Blood 'Shipper Survey

As mentioned earlier I've run out of Season One 'Shipper Surveys from afore.  I could write up newer ones to the first season, but I need to find the time (takes almost a whole day, maybe a weekend, to write up a decent survey).  Meanwhile, I'm tossing out a classic 'Shipper Survey for a classic Vince Gilligan written episode.


Senseless 'Shipper Survey- Bad Blood

Hoo boy, will this be senseless...;-)

1) It's the start of the X-Files. There are people running in a forest. Mulder impales one with a stake through the heart. Scully arrives and Mulder babbles about the kid being a vampire. Scully removes the fake vampire teeth, and Mulder starts saying "Oh, sh--...": Your first thought is:

A) Well, looks like the Punk is going to jail. I guess the show's just going to be about Agent Scully from now on...;-)

B) Watch it, Mulder, the t.v. warning label doesn't say anything about "South Park"-like language...

C) Scully, it looks like Mulder's going to have a bad day, so why not give him some tender lovin' care?...(deep sigh)

2) Back in the Hoover basement, Mulder wonders how Scully could have a different POV on the case. Your response is:

A) "Shut up, Mulder. Her version is the right version, so go with it!"

B) "Oh MY GOD! He killed Kenny! You bastard!"

C) "You should trust her by now, Mulder. Stop arguing and use your desk for a quickie!"

3) We start watching Scully's version of the story, with an Eager!Mulder acting like a know-it-all jerk showing off meaningless slides of mutilated cattle, and you can't help but say:

A) "Punk!"

B) "Wait until Leonard Maltin shows up talking about the Diamond of Zinthar..."

C) "This is how Dana sees Fox? No wonder they haven't had sex yet!"

4) Stoic!Scully gets her first view of Sheriff Studly (Sue me, I didn't read the acting credits for character names). Your response is:

A) "Oh no, the Enigmatic One's falling for another slice of beefcake. I wish she'd be more mature than that..."

B) (Extreme constant laughter that sends you rolling on the floor)

C) "Oh no, Dana's getting all misty-eyed for someone other than Fox! The RIFT!! NOOOOOO!"

(note: you may need to pick up on vital 'Shipper terminology.  The RIFT was short-hand for "Mulder and Scully ain't getting any"... or something akin)

(additional note: the sheriff's first name is Lucius?!  This is a bit before Harry Potter took off and Lucius Malfoy became a memetic pimp)

5) Stoic!Scully gets to work on her autopsy while Eager!Mulder runs off in search of untied shoelaces. As you watch Scully work, do you:

A) Appreciate everything this woman goes through for her jerky, punkish partner

B) Order a pizza when she describes the stomach contents

C) Cry over Dana's statement that the deceased is the only person in Texas more miserable than she is, knowing full well her enjoyment of life could be achieved if she and Fox mend their fences

and settle down in a passionate no-holds-barred relationship

6) Eager!Mulder returns to the hotel to send Scully back out for another autopsy. Do you:

A) Enjoy that the Blessed One gets Mulder to pay for the pizza

B) Wonder if the pizza has mushrooms on it

C) Wish Dana and Fox could both enjoy the vibrating bed (massive deep sigh)

7) Stoic!Scully discovers the pizza guy is the culprit and returns in time to save Mulder from being the next victim. What do you say?

A) "Battle on, SWAT!Scully!"

B) "Look out Ned, it's coming right for us!"

C) "Dana, you should sing the `Theme from Shaft' with Fox until he gains consciousness so you can then use the vibrating bed together (deep sigh)"

(note: you have to see it to believe it)

(the damn clip cuts off before Duchovny, uh Mulder defends "I DID NOT.")

8) Having heard Stoic!Scully's version of events, Mulder counters with his own version. Your response is:

A) "The Punk's absolutely completely off his rocker!"

B) "Does this version come with Cheesy Poofs?"

C) "Does this version have him admitting his love for this woman?"

9) We now get a retelling of the slide demonstration by Nice!Mulder while Cranky!Scully jumps down his throat. Your first thought is:

A) "Mulder, you're nuts!"

B) "Hey, do you know last week episode of South Park didn't have Isaac Hayes singing, but this week's episode of X-Files had Mulder singing `Shaft'! Coincidence? Buy the book!..."

C) "This is how Fox views Dana? OH NO! The RIFT!!!! NOOOOOOooooooo..."

10) Mulder's POV provides us with Sheriff Bucktooth. Your response is:

A) "Hey! The Saintly One doesn't get all misty-eyed over, except for guys with tattoos..."

B) "Well, at least he's not a fat-ass." CARTMAN: "Hey, who you calling a fat-ass?" YOU: "Shut up, Cartman. Jesus, you'd walk down the street and people would say `Goddammit! That kid's a fat-ass!" CARTMAN: "I'll kick you in the nuts!" etc.

C) "Uh, Dana? Dana? Heelllo, Earth to Dana!...stop staring at Sheriff Bucktooth like that, Dana!!!..."

11) Mulder goes out to the graveyard to ponder the mysteries of the universe. Your main thought is:

A) Shut up, Mulder. Jesus, just stop babbling like that, you Punk!

B) Is Kenny buried here?

C) You should call Dana right now and explain everything over the cell phone, okay Fox?

12) The sheriff gets a call at the local RV area. He and Mulder have to wrassle with a runaway van. After viewing the whole scene, you:

A) Know Scully would have stopped the vehicle with one shot

B) Wonder if the RV is filled with mutant turkeys

C) Realize Mulder has to go back to the hotel and take a shower...hopefully with his redheaded partner hint hint...

13) Nice!Mulder makes it back to the hotel to speak to Cranky!Scully, who quickly bitches about doing "Everything for you. You you you!!!" You say aloud:

A) "You tell him, sister!"

B) "Let's hear Scully sing `Mulder's Mom Is A Big Fat B---- in C Minor'!"

C) "Fox, she needs to relax. Take off your coat, join her on the vibrating bed, and slowly- gently- give her a nice soothing shoulder massage. Then work your way down, gently ever so gently, working on the curve of her back, and then her arms, and her legs, gently, slowly working up her thighs until (deleted to protect younger viewers)."

14) Mulder has just told his version, and he and Scully realize they will never be able to complement each other's versions of events. Do you:

A) Suggest Scully dump her Punkish partner and head off for her own t.v. show "Scully: Medical Examiner"

B) Suggest they get Robert Smith of the Cure to come in and save the day

C) Suggest they clear off Mulder's desk and get in a quickie before the authorities come in and drag them off to prison (what, so I'm repeating myself here!  IT'S THE ONLY SANE SOLUTION TO THIS EPISODE... or any other for that matter...)

15) They're waiting in Skinner's office like middle school students nailed big time for some serious infraction. You:

A) Have a nasty flashback to the Eighth grade when everyone was using your back for spitting practice

B) Have a nasty flashback to the Ninth grade when...when...I can't say it! I can't!!!!...

C) Have a nasty flashback to the Tenth grade, when...(at this point, someone should slap me upside the head and remind me I'm no longer in school and I shouldn't be ruining a perfectly senseless survey with my emotional scars)

16) Scully tries to straighten out Mulder's tie. You:

A) Task Mulder for fidgeting with her when she's going out of her way to help the Punk

B) Wonder if they're in trouble for watching Terence and Phillips again

C) Want Scully to rip off that tie, leading to Mulder shredding her clothes and her shredding his so they can roll on the floor making sweet love while Chef sings a new tune (oops, got South Park and X-Files mixed up in this answer, ach well)

17) It turns out Mulder's not such a good vampire hunter after all, as the pizza guy comes back to life. You:

A) Note that Scully would've done a better job...IF she believed in that sort of thing, anyway...

B) Cancel that pizza order you made ten minutes ago

C) Still want Scully to rip off that tie, leading know...

18) They go back to Texas, and we see that Sheriff Bucktooth is really Sheriff Studly. Mulder decides to leave Scully with the sheriff while heading off to the RV camp for clues with a "Never say I don't do any favors for you, Scully." Your response is:

A) "Mulder, you never do any favors for the Enigmatic One, you punk!"

B) "Hey, Kenny, how do you know she owns a cat?"

C) "FOX! Don't ditch her and leave her there with another guy! Noooooooooooo..."

19) Mulder finds the camp filled with vampires, while Scully discovers to her horror that Sheriff Studly has this eye problem- namely, they're glowing like he's a vampire. You scream out:

A) "Use your Jedi powers, Psychic!Scully! And dammit, Mulder, put some garlic on those breadsticks!"

B) "Pink Eye! Quick, get some topical cream!"

C) "Hey, if Dana and Fox become vampires, at least they'll be together...young, beautiful, forever...(deep Anne Rice-ish sigh)"

20) The episode ends with chastened agents sitting before A.D. Skinner, who's getting another headache from yet another unresolved case. You:

A) Accept Mulder's feeble clincher, "That's pretty much how it happened...except for the buckteeth."

B) Check to make sure the pizza guy delivering your pizza doesn't have pink eye

C) Wonder if Dana and Fox realize that, while they may have differing views and opinions, they are bonded forever by their mutual quest for the they should stop bickering with each other, see each other as beautiful wonderful human beings and DO IT!...(deep sigh)

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSEr who's wondering why the Sainted One didn't wear her cross (actually, she did, but for some reason this writer missed it!)

B) Then you're a pizza-loving South Park fan who's making sure the pizza just delivered doesn't have any, um, artificial additives

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who thinks they should have put that vibrating bed to better use (massive deep sigh)

(note: what do you think?  Too many South Park references...?)