Monday, June 20, 2016

X-Files: Chinga 'Shipper Survey

So, one of the things that happens with a successful horror/sci-fi/supernatural show getting into later seasons is that the producers get desperate for gimmicks and attention grabbers to avoid flagging ratings. Sometimes in the form of guest stars (Burt Reynolds?), or wacky crossovers (X-Cops) or Sweeps Week Lesbian Kissing (it has its own trope).

Sometimes it's in the form of famous horror/fantasy writers contributing a script, bringing in their own brand of character tics, plot devices, and bloody mayhem.

So of course they called in Stephen King.

"Can I do it about food?" He probably asked Chris Carter.

"What are you, Weird Al?"

"Can I at least set the story in Maine, even though there's no godforsaken reason to set a story there?"

"As long as you don't set it in Cabot Cove and violate Murder, She Wrote copyrights, knock yourself out!"

And so he did. And after waking up from the concussion, he wrote this script.

Which begs the question: WHAT THE HELL IS A CHINGA?

Senseless 'Shipper Survey- Chinga

(note: this was still early into Season Five when I didn't draw out the surveys into more than 20 questions or so. I've also cleaned up some of the survey with better details and hopefully funnier punchlines...)

1) As the show opened with a bratty little kid and her evil Twilight Zone doll wrecking havoc in a grocery store, your first thought was:

A) "At last! An X-File where St. Scully solves something without getting angsty!"

B) "Did Stephen King ever get ripped off at the local Publix or something? He really has it in for grocers..."

C) "Wait! That woman looks like Samantha! Dana will find her, end Fox's quest, and allow themselves the chance to settle down and develop a relationship! Yay!"

2) When Scully drove into town, convertible top down and classical music playing, all fashionable in blue jeans and t-shirt, did you:

A) want to buy a touristy t-shirt yourself so you could emulate the enigmatic one

B) wonder how much the gas costs in Vancouver... uh, Maine

C) know that Fox was beeping on the cell phone with helpful tourist tips and a possible marriage proposal (we have, after all, read the SPOILERs)

3) Scully calls in the bizarre mutilations and death in the grocery store. Mulder rattles off the X-File idea of witchcraft. Scully counters by rattling off everything she knows on the occult- and brother is it everything, like so:

SCULLY: Like evidence of conjuring
or the black arts
or shamanism,
or any kind of pagan
or neo-Pagan practice.
Charms, cards, familiars, blood-stones,
or hex signs
or any of the ritual tableaux
associated with the occult,
or any high or low magic?

MULDER (aroused): Scully... MARRY ME.

You wanted Scully's response to be:

A) "Not now, Mulder, I'm solving the case."

B) "I'm grateful that my arcane knowledge impresses you. Does this mean I can have my own desk now?"

C) You wanted Dana to say "YES!", but you were too busy overdosing on orgasmic bliss to care! 

4) Typical as always: Scully finally gets in a good bath and the phone starts ringing. Your response to the entire situation is to:

A) Call up to the show with a Scullyrita recipe so the Blessed One can enjoy that too while she soaks

B) Wonder at the impressive bubble placement in the bathtub!

C) Want Dana to answer the phone, dressed conservatively of course, so she can hear Fox offer more possible solutions and almost certainly another marriage proposal...(sigh)

5) More bizarre deaths in a small Maine fishing community. Who could possibly solve it? (informed this is getting too close to copyright violations) When the town sheriff asks Scully if she's technically still on vacation, a subtle asking for her help in this case, did you:

A) Celebrate yet another "authority figure" bowing before the wisdom and strength of St. Scully

B) Realize that Scully wasn't wearing the t-shirt anymore, proving that she already knows the vacation is shot to bleep

C) Worry that "Jack" and Scully were getting a mite too familiar with each other...EEEK NO NOT THE RIFT

6) Scully finds out the doll the little girl lugs around everywhere wasn't bought in a shop or a yard sale, but recovered mysteriously by her now-dead father who dragged it in off a fishing net. You realize:

A) Scully had it lucky: Her father brought her GI Joe action figures from the Navy commissary!

B) Isn't it typical for East Coast fishermen to be dragging in devil dolls like that? But wait, devil dolls weren't in season that month!

C) That Fox hasn't called back with another marriage proposal. Maybe he's shopping for a ring first...

7) Scully and Jack the Sheriff arrive in time to see the devil doll force the poor mommy to hit herself with a hammer. As Scully politely asked the little girl for the doll so she could toss it into the microwave, you realize:

A) St. Scully has the patience of a...well, saint. :)

B) That somebody should have made the mental connection before now: doll, dead people, doll, dead people, evil doll = lots of death, Hey Jack toss that doll into the microwave, will ya?

C) Dana's real good with children, if only she accepted that marriage proposal from Fox and settled down in Montana to raise Emily hybrids...(sigh)

8) Mulder has been left the whole weekend watching bee movies (NO NOT THE BEES), bouncing the ball, and sharpening the pencils. Scully arrives having defeated the forces of darkness, finally asking about his poster and discovering the bizarre case of pencils being where they shouldn't be. Your closing thoughts were:

A) "See? The PUNK doesn't know what to do with himself while the Enigmatic One's away! And that wouldn't happen to the pencils if they had a proper storage area, like Scully's new desk, hint hint!!!!!"

B) "Who helped Stephen on the story? It looks like...Darin?!? At least it wasn't Shiban!..."

C) "Who cares about the pencils? Dammit, Fox, make that marriage proposal again!!!!"

If you more often than not answered:

A) then you are an OBSSEr who's grateful Scully knew how to play with dolls

B) then you are an X-Phile oddly surprised that a guest writer didn't stick up the place with his first script

C) then you are a 'Shipper wondering why Dana didn't say YES dammit to Fox's marriage proposal, and Valentine's Day right around the corner and everything...(here's your Sweeps Week ratings grabber, network execs! Weddings!)

Now, who wants pictures of Gillian as Lucille Ball?

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