Having watched six episodes of what was essentially a greatest hits recap of everything the X-Files was back in the 1990s, was it worth it?
In some ways, it was refreshing to see the characters Mulder and Scully, having aged and matured and coping with how their lives turned out. It was fun seeing Duchovny and Anderson jump back into their roles with a sense of wry bemusement and savvy.
We got at least a handful of well-crafted episodes in "Founder's Mutation" and "Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster," that harked back to the best of the Monster of the Week episodes. In a televised world where such Puzzle shows involving the unknown are common-place - LOST, Supernatural, the Arrow/Flash 'verse, Grimm, a slew of other fantasy series - it was fun seeing the originals do it and do it well.
On the other hand, we got yet another round of realizing that Chris Carter really didn't know what to do with his Mytharc surrounding the threat of aliens and sinister government conspiracies. All we got were the opener and closer of the season - "My Struggle Parts I and II" - which both felt like shortened, rushed endeavors that merely threw plot ideas out there but never delved into them. In a longer season, one with 22-24 episodes with at least one Mytharc tale every fifth episode, there was perhaps more room to flesh things out, introduce a plot twist or two, a sense of foreshadowing or something.
There wasn't enough sense of mystery involving the Mytharc this time.
The way the season ended - a cliffhanger of the nation dying of a triggered plague, with a UFO showing up over Mulder and Scully on a crowded bridge - certainly invites FOX - or any other network - to bring back the series for a Season Eleven with more episodes to give the plots room to impress.
But I hope to God it means someone putting Carter on a leash and whacking him with a nun's ruler enough times for him to plot out something f-cking coherent again. When he painted himself into a corner with that whole shapeshifter civil war thing, that got sad...
Showing posts with label season ten. Show all posts
Showing posts with label season ten. Show all posts
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Sunday, February 28, 2016
X-Files: Home Again 'Shipper Survey
We're four episodes into Season Ten, and I've kinda noticed something about this miniseries: it's basically a Greatest Hits attempt at a season by replaying/revisioning some of the better earlier classic episodes.
Not that this is a bad move. You don't want to go out and reinvent a wheel when that wheel moved a multi-million-dollar franchise. You want to make sure you bring back the fanbase who loved the classics, and you want to inform the newer viewers tuning in wondering what the fuss is about.
On the other hand, these replays have to be done with a ton of finesse. You can't just mash together thematic elements or plot ideas and hope for the best. You want at least something with an obvious artistic flourish by the writer/director of a particular episode to make it work.
So far, the episode that's worked best - Darin Morgan's Mulder and Scully MeetAbbott and Costello the Were-Monster - had the typical Darin elements of absurdism and melancholy about the human condition. Founder's Mutation was a well-paced MOTW-Mytharc hybrid except for the unsubtle moments. The series reboot My Struggle... well... it was all set-up, and it depends a lot on how the final episode pans out.
That said, here we have Home Again, which has all the classic signs of a monster serial killer plot, and... and... incredible amounts of character angst. You've been warned, this is a SPOILER-ish type of episode.
Senseless 'Shipper Survey - Home Again
1) The episode opens on a dark city street. A man with all the bearing of a government bureaucrat is ordering a set of fire hoses upon a street alley of homeless people, in an attempt to drive them out of that alley and into a nearby "shelter" so they can convert that property into a posh high-rise. Later that night, the bureaucrat checks in at work, in a darkened office without any other employees around, and with the security cameras unprotected by any supernatural power to knock them off their mounts. Yeah, you know that can mean only one thing: this guy is dead meat in 5... 4... 3... 2... (rrrrriipppppp). Yeah, you also know:
A) If anyone's thinking this is gonna be a sequel to that one nasty episode, it doesn't look that way. I mean, this is a nasty episode all by itself, but that can't be one of the Peacock boys...
B) That is NOT how you disarm someone. ...Yeah, I went there.
C) This Monster of the Week isn't leaving any body behind for Dana and Fox to flirt over during the autopsy!
2) The locals are notably freaked out. But never fear! Two FBI agents show up! You're certain they'll answer to:
A) Moose and Squirrel!
B) Frank and Earnest!
C) Mr. and Mrs. Mulder-Scully!
3) In the middle of checking out the crime scene - where the bloody footprints can't be real because "there are no ridges", and where a spooky street art outside the window looks like the murder suspect - Scully receives a call from William... her son?... no, it's William Junior, her older jerkass brother from Seasons 4 through 9. There's an emergency in the family: something happened to Dana's mom. When she tries to explain the situation to Mulder, he immediately tells her to go. When he does that, you go:
A) "Awwww, the Punk cares!"
B) "Awwww, he cares!"
C) "HE'S DOING RIGHT BY YOU, DANA. MARRY FOX!"
4) Dana rushes to the hospital to find her mother - look, kids! Mrs. Scully! (applause) - at death's door. The elder woman is wrapped up in tubes and wires and machines that go ping when there's stuff. She's suffering the after-effects of a heart attack and may not last long. Your response is:
A) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT MRS. SCULLY
B) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
C) NOT YET, NOT YET, FOX NEEDS TO MARRY DANA BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE SO MRS. SCULLY CAN DIE HAPPY... /cries
Note: yes, the actress' name is Sheila Larken, but she'll always be Mrs. Scully to me.
5) Mulder is busy getting evidence that the murder victim was part of a move to clear out the homeless to a shelter, and runs into two pretty unlikable characters who have neon signs over their heads saying "Jerkass Victim Two" and "Jerkass Victim Three." A nearby homeless man warns Mulder about the Trashman, which the agent realizes might be that street art on the billboard overhead. Only to see that the billboard art has vanished. You take this all in and note:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) WHO CARES ABOUT THIS SH-T?! MRS. SCULLY IS DYING! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo.
6) It turns out the billboard art got swiped by two vandals who are hoping to sell the art as their own, as soon as they "clean" it up and remove the original artist's signature from it. But as the vandals meet their grisly gruesome demise, we see that the signature for Trashman won't easily go away. You realize:
A) The Trashman killer better respect the forensics crime lab people who are just there to do their jobs and not get killed if there's any cleaning involved!
B) At least this is one killer who signs his work.
C) THAT WE NEED TO DEAL MORE WITH DANA LOSING MRS. SCULLY! NOOOOOOOooooooo.
7) At some point, Mulder can't do much more for the investigation so he calls Scully. Scully answers her phone and he says "I'm here," and she looks up to see Mulder outside the Critical Care ward with a compassionate look on his face. Your reaction is:
A) "Okay, so the Punk's not being a punk right now. We're cool."
B) "You get the feeling this isn't going to be much of a monster hunt episode, is it?"
C) "He's here, Fox cares, it's all because Mrs. Scully has always been the nicest, sanest parental figure in the entire show and always baked cookies for Fox, and he's nice enough to let Mrs. Scully call him Fox because he knows she means well and... and... oh no, I'm getting all crying again..." /weeps
8) There's a sizable amount of emotional angst as Scully tries to cope with the loss of her mother, and confused as to why her mom changed the conditions of her living will without her knowing. As Mrs. Scully stirs awake for what may be the last time, Dana's mom smiles at her, then notices Fox nearby and touches his face. "My son is named William, too," Mrs. Scully says before fading away. You:
A) CRY YOUR DAMN HEART OUT.
B) Yeah, going to the waterworks meself right now OH GOD NO WHHHHYYYYYYYY? /weeping
C) (Die from the overwhelming emotional pain)
9) Oh, there's been a few more deaths, and Mulder and Scully get a lead that brings them to an underground artist who's literally hiding underground from his own monster, and it turns out that Trashman is a political protest come to life in the form of a Tulpa, an avatar of the mind, and that Trashman is targeting anyone who's attacking the homeless people, which means there's one more victim left for Mulder and Scully to save. As they race to the homeless shelter where the last bureaucrat is foolishly walking down a darkened hallway, you realize:
A) They're never gonna save anybody like this! You'd think after nine plus seasons that Mulder and Scully would figure out the smart move is to round up every secondary character appearing in the first ten minutes of the episode and put them all under protective custody! I mean, SHEESH!
B) A Tulpa?! They're fighting a Tulpa?! DUDES! THAT WAS FROM THE SUBURBAN HELL EPISODE "ARCADIA" FROM SEASON, wassis, SIX! DAMMIT! WE'VE BEEN HERE! Talk about recycling a plot! /headdesk
C) The biggest problem with this episode? Not enough Dana and Fox flirting over autopsies! But then again, sniff, I mean, Dana's been distracted and... and... sniff... WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
10) The episode ends with the artist fleeing the city, with evidence that he's removed the Trashman art and replaced them all with smiley faces. Mulder and Scully sit on a log along the shores of Vancouver, uh Maryland, where Scully tries to come to terms with how her mother passed on, and what she was trying to tell her daughter with the decisions she made. As the episode ends with both Mulder and Scully regretting giving up their son for adoption, you:
A) CRY YOUR DAMN EYES OUT SOME MORE
B) Bemoan the fact that this Monster of the Week episode couldn't make up its mind, and felt like two separate stories shoe-horned into each other to get it to a fifty-three minute length (with room for commercial time).
C) CRY YOUR DAMN 'SHIPPER EYES BECAUSE MRS. SCULLY NEVER GOT TO SEE DANA AND FOX GET MARRIED NOOOOOOOOOOO...
If you answered:
A) You're an OBSSE fan of Agent Scully who needs to cry some more.
B) You need to read more horror stories, try the horror anthologies published by Mystery& Horror LLC like Strangely Funny and... and... whadda mean, I'm not allowed to shill?
C) You're a 'Shipper who really really REALLY needs to cry your eyes out.
Next up: There is no damn way I am 'Shipping "Babylon," so I might as well skip to "My Struggle Part II"
Not that this is a bad move. You don't want to go out and reinvent a wheel when that wheel moved a multi-million-dollar franchise. You want to make sure you bring back the fanbase who loved the classics, and you want to inform the newer viewers tuning in wondering what the fuss is about.
On the other hand, these replays have to be done with a ton of finesse. You can't just mash together thematic elements or plot ideas and hope for the best. You want at least something with an obvious artistic flourish by the writer/director of a particular episode to make it work.
So far, the episode that's worked best - Darin Morgan's Mulder and Scully Meet
That said, here we have Home Again, which has all the classic signs of a monster serial killer plot, and... and... incredible amounts of character angst. You've been warned, this is a SPOILER-ish type of episode.
Senseless 'Shipper Survey - Home Again
1) The episode opens on a dark city street. A man with all the bearing of a government bureaucrat is ordering a set of fire hoses upon a street alley of homeless people, in an attempt to drive them out of that alley and into a nearby "shelter" so they can convert that property into a posh high-rise. Later that night, the bureaucrat checks in at work, in a darkened office without any other employees around, and with the security cameras unprotected by any supernatural power to knock them off their mounts. Yeah, you know that can mean only one thing: this guy is dead meat in 5... 4... 3... 2... (rrrrriipppppp). Yeah, you also know:
A) If anyone's thinking this is gonna be a sequel to that one nasty episode, it doesn't look that way. I mean, this is a nasty episode all by itself, but that can't be one of the Peacock boys...
B) That is NOT how you disarm someone. ...Yeah, I went there.
C) This Monster of the Week isn't leaving any body behind for Dana and Fox to flirt over during the autopsy!
2) The locals are notably freaked out. But never fear! Two FBI agents show up! You're certain they'll answer to:
A) Moose and Squirrel!
B) Frank and Earnest!
C) Mr. and Mrs. Mulder-Scully!
3) In the middle of checking out the crime scene - where the bloody footprints can't be real because "there are no ridges", and where a spooky street art outside the window looks like the murder suspect - Scully receives a call from William... her son?... no, it's William Junior, her older jerkass brother from Seasons 4 through 9. There's an emergency in the family: something happened to Dana's mom. When she tries to explain the situation to Mulder, he immediately tells her to go. When he does that, you go:
A) "Awwww, the Punk cares!"
B) "Awwww, he cares!"
C) "HE'S DOING RIGHT BY YOU, DANA. MARRY FOX!"
4) Dana rushes to the hospital to find her mother - look, kids! Mrs. Scully! (applause) - at death's door. The elder woman is wrapped up in tubes and wires and machines that go ping when there's stuff. She's suffering the after-effects of a heart attack and may not last long. Your response is:
A) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT MRS. SCULLY
B) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
C) NOT YET, NOT YET, FOX NEEDS TO MARRY DANA BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE SO MRS. SCULLY CAN DIE HAPPY... /cries
Note: yes, the actress' name is Sheila Larken, but she'll always be Mrs. Scully to me.
5) Mulder is busy getting evidence that the murder victim was part of a move to clear out the homeless to a shelter, and runs into two pretty unlikable characters who have neon signs over their heads saying "Jerkass Victim Two" and "Jerkass Victim Three." A nearby homeless man warns Mulder about the Trashman, which the agent realizes might be that street art on the billboard overhead. Only to see that the billboard art has vanished. You take this all in and note:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) WHO CARES ABOUT THIS SH-T?! MRS. SCULLY IS DYING! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo.
6) It turns out the billboard art got swiped by two vandals who are hoping to sell the art as their own, as soon as they "clean" it up and remove the original artist's signature from it. But as the vandals meet their grisly gruesome demise, we see that the signature for Trashman won't easily go away. You realize:
A) The Trashman killer better respect the forensics crime lab people who are just there to do their jobs and not get killed if there's any cleaning involved!
B) At least this is one killer who signs his work.
C) THAT WE NEED TO DEAL MORE WITH DANA LOSING MRS. SCULLY! NOOOOOOOooooooo.
7) At some point, Mulder can't do much more for the investigation so he calls Scully. Scully answers her phone and he says "I'm here," and she looks up to see Mulder outside the Critical Care ward with a compassionate look on his face. Your reaction is:
A) "Okay, so the Punk's not being a punk right now. We're cool."
B) "You get the feeling this isn't going to be much of a monster hunt episode, is it?"
C) "He's here, Fox cares, it's all because Mrs. Scully has always been the nicest, sanest parental figure in the entire show and always baked cookies for Fox, and he's nice enough to let Mrs. Scully call him Fox because he knows she means well and... and... oh no, I'm getting all crying again..." /weeps
8) There's a sizable amount of emotional angst as Scully tries to cope with the loss of her mother, and confused as to why her mom changed the conditions of her living will without her knowing. As Mrs. Scully stirs awake for what may be the last time, Dana's mom smiles at her, then notices Fox nearby and touches his face. "My son is named William, too," Mrs. Scully says before fading away. You:
A) CRY YOUR DAMN HEART OUT.
B) Yeah, going to the waterworks meself right now OH GOD NO WHHHHYYYYYYYY? /weeping
C) (Die from the overwhelming emotional pain)
9) Oh, there's been a few more deaths, and Mulder and Scully get a lead that brings them to an underground artist who's literally hiding underground from his own monster, and it turns out that Trashman is a political protest come to life in the form of a Tulpa, an avatar of the mind, and that Trashman is targeting anyone who's attacking the homeless people, which means there's one more victim left for Mulder and Scully to save. As they race to the homeless shelter where the last bureaucrat is foolishly walking down a darkened hallway, you realize:
A) They're never gonna save anybody like this! You'd think after nine plus seasons that Mulder and Scully would figure out the smart move is to round up every secondary character appearing in the first ten minutes of the episode and put them all under protective custody! I mean, SHEESH!
B) A Tulpa?! They're fighting a Tulpa?! DUDES! THAT WAS FROM THE SUBURBAN HELL EPISODE "ARCADIA" FROM SEASON, wassis, SIX! DAMMIT! WE'VE BEEN HERE! Talk about recycling a plot! /headdesk
C) The biggest problem with this episode? Not enough Dana and Fox flirting over autopsies! But then again, sniff, I mean, Dana's been distracted and... and... sniff... WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
10) The episode ends with the artist fleeing the city, with evidence that he's removed the Trashman art and replaced them all with smiley faces. Mulder and Scully sit on a log along the shores of Vancouver, uh Maryland, where Scully tries to come to terms with how her mother passed on, and what she was trying to tell her daughter with the decisions she made. As the episode ends with both Mulder and Scully regretting giving up their son for adoption, you:
A) CRY YOUR DAMN EYES OUT SOME MORE
B) Bemoan the fact that this Monster of the Week episode couldn't make up its mind, and felt like two separate stories shoe-horned into each other to get it to a fifty-three minute length (with room for commercial time).
C) CRY YOUR DAMN 'SHIPPER EYES BECAUSE MRS. SCULLY NEVER GOT TO SEE DANA AND FOX GET MARRIED NOOOOOOOOOOO...
If you answered:
A) You're an OBSSE fan of Agent Scully who needs to cry some more.
B) You need to read more horror stories, try the horror anthologies published by Mystery& Horror LLC like Strangely Funny and... and... whadda mean, I'm not allowed to shill?
C) You're a 'Shipper who really really REALLY needs to cry your eyes out.
Next up: There is no damn way I am 'Shipping "Babylon," so I might as well skip to "My Struggle Part II"
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Tuesday Morning X-Files Fanaticism: My Sharona, NO WAIT My Struggle Part II: The Quickening!
Some SPOILAGE if you hadn't seen last night's mini-series cliffhanger:
...
...
SPOILER SPACE
...
ARE WE IN THE CLEAR? ARE WE IN THE CLEAR?!?!
No?
Too late!
In short: all of the dull stuff from Part I gets parlayed into five different action scenes into Part II, but with an unsettling cliffhanger in which global pandemic threatens all of humanity before Dana and Fox can hold hands to satisfy us 'Shippers in any way.
This episode felt flat in that for all of the past history of the evil Syndicate - noted here in flashbacks - it's all been boiled down into just the Smoking Man triggering the biohazard Apocalypse as though he alone has survived the entire shadow war and was setting himself up as God-Emperor. In some respects, he HAD survived it all, but factions should still exist... it just felt as though this Conspiracy was done all on the cheap, and done rather quick.
And the other thing is, I thought Mulder had also been infected with alien DNA - his near-death situation involving the Black Oil Aliens - so why was he getting sick here?
One last thing, as JC De La Torre tweeted with me about this miniseries finale: yeah, this was NOT an ending this is pretty much Chris Carter's way of making Fox execs go "Okay, for a Season Eleven, you want HOW MUCH MONEY delivered to you in Brinks trucks?"
TO BE CONTINUED...
...
...
SPOILER SPACE
...
ARE WE IN THE CLEAR? ARE WE IN THE CLEAR?!?!
No?
Too late!
In short: all of the dull stuff from Part I gets parlayed into five different action scenes into Part II, but with an unsettling cliffhanger in which global pandemic threatens all of humanity before Dana and Fox can hold hands to satisfy us 'Shippers in any way.
This episode felt flat in that for all of the past history of the evil Syndicate - noted here in flashbacks - it's all been boiled down into just the Smoking Man triggering the biohazard Apocalypse as though he alone has survived the entire shadow war and was setting himself up as God-Emperor. In some respects, he HAD survived it all, but factions should still exist... it just felt as though this Conspiracy was done all on the cheap, and done rather quick.
And the other thing is, I thought Mulder had also been infected with alien DNA - his near-death situation involving the Black Oil Aliens - so why was he getting sick here?
One last thing, as JC De La Torre tweeted with me about this miniseries finale: yeah, this was NOT an ending this is pretty much Chris Carter's way of making Fox execs go "Okay, for a Season Eleven, you want HOW MUCH MONEY delivered to you in Brinks trucks?"
TO BE CONTINUED...
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Season Ten Finale is TOMORROW ZOMG
So lemme post the trailer for the episode here, hold on:
In the meanwhile, if you're wondering why I haven't written a 'Shipper Survey in awhile, there's been some real-world distractions - aliens, I kid you not - keeping me from my duties here, but with luck I will have something 'shipped for my loyal twelve readers as soon as possible...
In the meanwhile, if you're wondering why I haven't written a 'Shipper Survey in awhile, there's been some real-world distractions - aliens, I kid you not - keeping me from my duties here, but with luck I will have something 'shipped for my loyal twelve readers as soon as possible...
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Tuesday Morning X-Files Fanaticism: Sweetness Follows Edition
Some SPOILERS if you haven't seen last night's episode yet.
On the other hand, you've probably felt the disturbance in the Force, as though millions of X-Philes cried out in terror, and were not silenced because it was a f-cking sad episode that took away one of the more well-liked supporting characters on the original series.
...
...
Still Spoiling...
You can go ahead and read the Vulture's Recap if you want here in case you've been SPOILED already...
...
Spoiling...
Are you ready?
...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Not Mrs. Scully! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Oh, and a Monster of the Week killed a bunch of mean people.
That's pretty much the whole episode.
It's these little things, they can pull you under
Live your life filled with joy and wonder
I always knew this altogether thunder
Was lost in our little lives
Oh, oh, but sweetness follows...
- REM
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Mulder And Scully Meet The Were-Monster And Forgot to Get a Selfie
Sooooo, last night there was some silliness, a lot of pandering to the fan base bringing back cameos and reminders of past episodes and a shout out or twelve to those lost and gone from us, and it being a Darin Morgan episode there was surprising human depth to what could have been a campy "Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster" episode.
My immediate takeaway from Darin's work was that - AGAIN - Darin was trying to find some pathos in the meaning of the human experience - what drives us, what we seek and can never find - in a universe that keeps spinning on regardless of whether we buy or sell enough smartphones.
On the surface of this episode, I got the impression that Darin also reads the webcomic xkcd, because "Were-Monster" had a lot to say about the prevalence of smartphone cameras and the diminishing return on believable photographic evidence of Bigfoot and UFOs, like thus:
Because our story opens on a disgruntled and despairing Mulder, back in the basement working the X-Files cases like he's wanted to but frustrated more than ever that his work is meaningless. As Scully enters with a case - and yelling at him for throwing pencils into HER "I Want to Believe" poster (because Mulder shredded his back in "My Struggle") - Mulder rants back about the lack of genuine evidence over 25 years of work on the paranormal. He flips through fake photo after fake photo of men in rubber suits either trying to sell car tires or pretending to be armadillos. He's gotten to the point where he's tired of chasing after monsters because it turns out the monsters are either alligators ("Quagmire") or wolves or bears or tigers or plain old human serial killers in a rubber mask.
Scully smiles and tries to bring up they have a new case to investigate. "It has a monster in it," she adds.
This is Mulder finally hitting his mid-life crisis: where the passion of his career as an FBI agent investigating the bizarre and unusual - and not achieving any permanent results - have finally taken its toll. When they reach the backwoods of Oregon - again - Mulder is flippant about the grisly details - dead bodies everywhere of men with their throats chewed out - and dismissive of the eyewitness testimony - by the same two stoners that pop up in other X-Files episodes - that can't agree on whether the horned lizard monster spotted at the scene has three eyes or two. The Animal Control officer working the forest that night and had been accosted by that lizard monster refuses to comment.
That the same two stoners from "War of the Coprophages" and "Quagmire" return reflects Mulder's ennui. It's been 25 years for them as well, and all they've done has been to get high on anything (nowadays inhaling paint). Even the stoner guy's musing about turning into a werewolf is meaningless: even as a lycanthrope he'll likely waste his time getting high.
The first act is essentially Mulder confronting that ennui, teamed up with Scully who genuinely tries to snap him out of it by pointing out inconsistencies and the likelihood of a real monster on the loose. Even working the spooky shadows of a truck stop where a transgender prostitute Annabelle beats off that lizard monster - uh, with her purse, guys - doesn't make Mulder any giddier. He looks a little bit like Gary Shandling did playing Mulder in the "Hollywood AD" fake movie, all dour sarcasm as he questions if the prostitute was currently high on crack. "Yes!" she says, as if it was part of her natural persona.
When the truck stop becomes another crime scene with a fresh dead guy and sightings of the lizard monster, rather than break out a gun he'd drop again during the chase Mulder breaks out his smartphone and starts taking pictures. It's that reference to the xkcd chart: Mulder would prefer documenting the proof rather than arrest it. In a shameful display of cranky-old-geezer syndrome however, Mulder doesn't know how to operate the damn thing and ends up taking bad pictures of himself and the nearby Animal Control officer when the lizard monster charges at them with blood spraying out of his eyes.
The lizard monster, not Mulder. Mulder's too busy getting bad selfies of himself.
Scully's trying to avoid Mulder's attempt to show those bad photos as well as him digging up Wikipedia articles about normal lizards that can shoot blood out of their eyes as a defense mechanism. "Mulder the Internet is not good for you," Scully sighs, but she admits with a smile that she missed this kind of craziness during their previous MOTW assignments.
There's a lot more craziness - a creepy motel of stuffed animals and a mounted jackalope head, a psychiatrist treating not only a man who claims to be a lizard but also a werewolf (he sees the werewolf on Mondays... wait this episode was on a Monday...), and far too many people on drugs - before Scully tracks down the suspected were-lizard - the aptly named Guy Mann - selling smartphones in town. Mulder races over to find the store in shambles and the suspect in flight. Using the powers of deduction known as "contrived plot elements," Mulder follows Guy to a graveyard full of X-Files producers and asks for the Truth.
What Mulder - and the audience gets - from Guy is a beautifully crafted subversion of the standard Werewolf/Cursed Man story. It turns out that Guy is really a normal, happy-go-lucky lizard monster who tragically came across a human eating another human in the forest, and in an effort to do the right thing gets bitten by the crazed serial killer... which turns him into an average, almost pitiful human. Where werewolves are cursed with the instincts to hunt, main and kill, Guy found himself cursed with the instincts to wear clothes, find a low-wage job, and worry about a mortgage he never really had before.
In Darin Morgan's classic style, Guy's tale deconstructs what it means to be a human being. There's a horrifying element to the mundane chores and meaningless BS he uses to get that job and even get promoted to manager. Even though he's been at that job for one day he's already bored out of his mind and soul-crushed by it. The only joy he gets is when he discovers that at nightfall he switches back to being a lizard... and that joy ends when daybreak comes and turns him back into a human again.
Having never really been human before, he has no friends and is driven to find a pet puppy to fill that lonely ache - in a nice touch, the dog is happy to play with Guy when he switches back to his lizard self at night - only to have his pet disappear from the motel room when he comes home from work, worsening his mood. His isolation is so bad he's willing to lie like a normal human - badly - about his sex life by trying to tell Mulder that Scully seduced him in that phone store.
"Stop." Mulder insists at this point. "That. Did NOT. Happen."
With that bold a lie, Mulder seems unable to accept Guy's tale, and remains at Kim Manners' gravesite while Guy - realizing Mulder views him as the monster rather than the victim - runs away.
As with most X-Files, it's left to Scully to put the finishing touches in the case. Having chased down Guy's lost puppy to the Animal Control shelter, Scully immediately falls in love with Daggoo, and gets attacked by the Animal Control guy who was the human monster all along. Mulder, overhearing the fight over the phone, races to the shelter fearing the worst... only to find Scully had single-handed captured the serial killer. The Animal Control guy starts going into his violent past of torturing small animals, at which points Scully tells him to shut up and pushes him towards the local cops. "But I had a speech prepared," the Animal Control guy whimpers, underscoring the banality of even serial killers in the human condition.
Realizing Guy wasn't the monster after all, Mulder races off to find him, again using the powers of the plotline to find the poor lizard Werehuman stumbling back into the forest. It's his species time to go back into hibernation, a cycle lasting 10,000 years during which Guy hopes his human illness will fade (will he become a lizard who dreamed he was a man?). As Guy strips off the human clothes, he admits it was good to have met Mulder - someone who at least listened to his sad lot in life - and shakes hands with him.
Mulder starts to say "Likewise..."
...Only to see Guy's hand has gone scaly, and Mulder looks up to see a lizard monster with two eyes staring back, maybe smiling, before he turns and runs into the forest, hopefully free at last.
And Mulder smiles as well. After an episode of complaining there were no real creatures of mystery - that all the monsters were human - he finally saw with his own two eyes.
It's a pity he didn't have his smartphone with him to take a picture.
My immediate takeaway from Darin's work was that - AGAIN - Darin was trying to find some pathos in the meaning of the human experience - what drives us, what we seek and can never find - in a universe that keeps spinning on regardless of whether we buy or sell enough smartphones.
On the surface of this episode, I got the impression that Darin also reads the webcomic xkcd, because "Were-Monster" had a lot to say about the prevalence of smartphone cameras and the diminishing return on believable photographic evidence of Bigfoot and UFOs, like thus:
 |
| When I saw this cartoon, it broke my heart. My childhood reading up on UFOs and Bigfoot and ghosts, and all I got in the end was an LG480 with Verizon service. |
Because our story opens on a disgruntled and despairing Mulder, back in the basement working the X-Files cases like he's wanted to but frustrated more than ever that his work is meaningless. As Scully enters with a case - and yelling at him for throwing pencils into HER "I Want to Believe" poster (because Mulder shredded his back in "My Struggle") - Mulder rants back about the lack of genuine evidence over 25 years of work on the paranormal. He flips through fake photo after fake photo of men in rubber suits either trying to sell car tires or pretending to be armadillos. He's gotten to the point where he's tired of chasing after monsters because it turns out the monsters are either alligators ("Quagmire") or wolves or bears or tigers or plain old human serial killers in a rubber mask.
Scully smiles and tries to bring up they have a new case to investigate. "It has a monster in it," she adds.
This is Mulder finally hitting his mid-life crisis: where the passion of his career as an FBI agent investigating the bizarre and unusual - and not achieving any permanent results - have finally taken its toll. When they reach the backwoods of Oregon - again - Mulder is flippant about the grisly details - dead bodies everywhere of men with their throats chewed out - and dismissive of the eyewitness testimony - by the same two stoners that pop up in other X-Files episodes - that can't agree on whether the horned lizard monster spotted at the scene has three eyes or two. The Animal Control officer working the forest that night and had been accosted by that lizard monster refuses to comment.
That the same two stoners from "War of the Coprophages" and "Quagmire" return reflects Mulder's ennui. It's been 25 years for them as well, and all they've done has been to get high on anything (nowadays inhaling paint). Even the stoner guy's musing about turning into a werewolf is meaningless: even as a lycanthrope he'll likely waste his time getting high.
The first act is essentially Mulder confronting that ennui, teamed up with Scully who genuinely tries to snap him out of it by pointing out inconsistencies and the likelihood of a real monster on the loose. Even working the spooky shadows of a truck stop where a transgender prostitute Annabelle beats off that lizard monster - uh, with her purse, guys - doesn't make Mulder any giddier. He looks a little bit like Gary Shandling did playing Mulder in the "Hollywood AD" fake movie, all dour sarcasm as he questions if the prostitute was currently high on crack. "Yes!" she says, as if it was part of her natural persona.
When the truck stop becomes another crime scene with a fresh dead guy and sightings of the lizard monster, rather than break out a gun he'd drop again during the chase Mulder breaks out his smartphone and starts taking pictures. It's that reference to the xkcd chart: Mulder would prefer documenting the proof rather than arrest it. In a shameful display of cranky-old-geezer syndrome however, Mulder doesn't know how to operate the damn thing and ends up taking bad pictures of himself and the nearby Animal Control officer when the lizard monster charges at them with blood spraying out of his eyes.
The lizard monster, not Mulder. Mulder's too busy getting bad selfies of himself.
Scully's trying to avoid Mulder's attempt to show those bad photos as well as him digging up Wikipedia articles about normal lizards that can shoot blood out of their eyes as a defense mechanism. "Mulder the Internet is not good for you," Scully sighs, but she admits with a smile that she missed this kind of craziness during their previous MOTW assignments.
 |
| Preach it, Scully |
There's a lot more craziness - a creepy motel of stuffed animals and a mounted jackalope head, a psychiatrist treating not only a man who claims to be a lizard but also a werewolf (he sees the werewolf on Mondays... wait this episode was on a Monday...), and far too many people on drugs - before Scully tracks down the suspected were-lizard - the aptly named Guy Mann - selling smartphones in town. Mulder races over to find the store in shambles and the suspect in flight. Using the powers of deduction known as "contrived plot elements," Mulder follows Guy to a graveyard full of X-Files producers and asks for the Truth.
What Mulder - and the audience gets - from Guy is a beautifully crafted subversion of the standard Werewolf/Cursed Man story. It turns out that Guy is really a normal, happy-go-lucky lizard monster who tragically came across a human eating another human in the forest, and in an effort to do the right thing gets bitten by the crazed serial killer... which turns him into an average, almost pitiful human. Where werewolves are cursed with the instincts to hunt, main and kill, Guy found himself cursed with the instincts to wear clothes, find a low-wage job, and worry about a mortgage he never really had before.
In Darin Morgan's classic style, Guy's tale deconstructs what it means to be a human being. There's a horrifying element to the mundane chores and meaningless BS he uses to get that job and even get promoted to manager. Even though he's been at that job for one day he's already bored out of his mind and soul-crushed by it. The only joy he gets is when he discovers that at nightfall he switches back to being a lizard... and that joy ends when daybreak comes and turns him back into a human again.
Having never really been human before, he has no friends and is driven to find a pet puppy to fill that lonely ache - in a nice touch, the dog is happy to play with Guy when he switches back to his lizard self at night - only to have his pet disappear from the motel room when he comes home from work, worsening his mood. His isolation is so bad he's willing to lie like a normal human - badly - about his sex life by trying to tell Mulder that Scully seduced him in that phone store.
 |
| Ah... Uh... Um... I'll be in my bunk. Me and twenty million other guys (and gals) |
"Stop." Mulder insists at this point. "That. Did NOT. Happen."
With that bold a lie, Mulder seems unable to accept Guy's tale, and remains at Kim Manners' gravesite while Guy - realizing Mulder views him as the monster rather than the victim - runs away.
As with most X-Files, it's left to Scully to put the finishing touches in the case. Having chased down Guy's lost puppy to the Animal Control shelter, Scully immediately falls in love with Daggoo, and gets attacked by the Animal Control guy who was the human monster all along. Mulder, overhearing the fight over the phone, races to the shelter fearing the worst... only to find Scully had single-handed captured the serial killer. The Animal Control guy starts going into his violent past of torturing small animals, at which points Scully tells him to shut up and pushes him towards the local cops. "But I had a speech prepared," the Animal Control guy whimpers, underscoring the banality of even serial killers in the human condition.
Realizing Guy wasn't the monster after all, Mulder races off to find him, again using the powers of the plotline to find the poor lizard Werehuman stumbling back into the forest. It's his species time to go back into hibernation, a cycle lasting 10,000 years during which Guy hopes his human illness will fade (will he become a lizard who dreamed he was a man?). As Guy strips off the human clothes, he admits it was good to have met Mulder - someone who at least listened to his sad lot in life - and shakes hands with him.
Mulder starts to say "Likewise..."
...Only to see Guy's hand has gone scaly, and Mulder looks up to see a lizard monster with two eyes staring back, maybe smiling, before he turns and runs into the forest, hopefully free at last.
And Mulder smiles as well. After an episode of complaining there were no real creatures of mystery - that all the monsters were human - he finally saw with his own two eyes.
It's a pity he didn't have his smartphone with him to take a picture.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
X-Files: Founder's Mutation 'Shipper Survey
Damn the man. I had to work Monday night at the library, so I missed the first half of the episode. Thankfully, wiser heads like Mary Jamieson (hollah) informed me there's a streaming service on Fox's website for the first two episodes so I perused what I missed via that.
In the meantime, here's a Glen Morgan penned episode with good old Monster of the Week mayhem, but with the added dash of being tied into the Mytharc! Whoa!
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: Founder's Mutation
1) The episode opens on a bloodshot eye getting retinal scanned for security clearance. The eye belongs to a Dr. Sanjay, who's entering a Nugenics office complex and coping with the hassles of any normal workday: annoying co-workers, lack of coffee, that persistent high-pitched ringing that forces you to down an entire bottle of Bayer, etc. It leads to the other hassle: long boring boardroom meeting where others are bickering over the commands from their overlord "Founder" Augustus Goldman. Nobody else seems to notice Sanjay's headaches are getting worse or that there's a Murder of Crows gathering on the rolling hills of Vancouver outside their window. When Sanjay finally flips out in the meeting and flees the room, you:
A) Suggest he go find a respectable doctor like Scully to get that tinnitus taken care of!
B) Like the subtle touch of using the collective noun for crows. Murder indeed...
C) Wonder if that one guy typing away on his tablet during the meeting was distracting himself with some erotic Dana/Fox fanfiction!
2) Sanjay's gone and locked himself in a computer server room, fixated on downloading as much data as he can. As his worried co-workers pound at the window, and as the security guards start cracking the door lock to break in to stop him, the noise in Sanjay's head drives him over the edge. He grabs a marker, writes a mysterious note on his hand, and then grabs a letter opener. As he graphically shoves it into his ear... as far as he can... you:
A) Shout at the screen "Dammit that's NOT how you treat tinnitus!"
B) Wonder aloud "Who has a letter opener in a computer server room?! Wouldn't a Phillips head screwdriver be a more sensible weapon to have on hand?"
C) Flinch in horror at this poor man's death. There's nothing fun or 'Shippy about... about... hey, won't Dana and Fox show up at this guy's autopsy and flirt shamelessly over the corpse? Good move, Sanjay, thanks for taking one for the team!
3) Mulder and Scully do indeed show up at the crime scene. Mulder examines the body and the room, and asks "What do you think Scully?" Scully hovers over him and answers "Looks like suicide Mulder. Note the letter opener sticking out of the ear." You answer:
A) "No Sh-t, you Punk!"
B) "Check the pockets for money, I'll grab the expensive watch."
C) "Yay! They're flirting already!"
4) Mulder points out how Sanjay put himself in the most secure room in the building with isolated servers, with the terminal he was working from the only way to access the data. As Mulder grabs the external drive Sanjay was using, a beefy security guard shows up to confiscate the drive, claiming "national security". It turns out Nugenics has a Defense contract, hence the FBI investigating Sanjay's death. Mulder notes they need to determine what Sanjay was trying to download, so he asks to interview the company's owner Augustus Goldman. When the security guard refuses that request by noting he can't verify the whereabouts of "The Founder", you realize:
A) This isn't a genetics lab, it's a CULT! Listen to that, talking about a person as a mythic, otherworldly being of perfection! Trout slap him, St. Scully, and pass the Scullyrita, fellow OBSSE members! ...what?
B) Anyone insisting on being called "The Founder" is bound to have sociopathic tendencies like a massive ego and pretensions of godhood. So we've got a good idea who the real Monster of the Week is going to be.
C) We've gone five minutes without a handhold between Dana and Fox! Dammit, we need a fix soon...
5) While Scully distracts the guard over the security cameras and the need to view any documentation, Mulder quietly checks Sanjay's pockets for more clues, finds a cell phone, and swipes the dead man's thumb to unlock the biosecurity on it. He then walks out of the room before the security guard realizes he lifted that phone. You scream:
A) "You better not use Sanjay's phone to sext people, you Punk!"
B) "Dammit, Mulder, what about the wallet! You should have grabbed the wallet!"
C) "Good God. I just realized: before smartphones, we never really sexted people. Wow. If we had that technology back in 1993, this show could have been so much kinkier!"
6) As Mulder and Scully leave the building, they argue over the legality of Mulder's swiping Sanjay's phone. During that conversation, they nearly bump into a janitor for absolutely no real reason at all. You know this means:
A) That janitor knows something!
B) That janitor knows something!
C) That janitor gave Fox the excuse to brush against Dana's shoulder! Sigh...
7) Mulder follows a lead over "Gupta" to a bar in Washington DC called "The Corner Pocket". He meets Gupta in a booth, noticing there's a couple of possible Men in Black watching nearby, and asks about meeting somewhere "more private" and that he's "safe". You watch all this and exclaim:
A) "Man, Mulder REALLY doesn't know how to pick up guys in bars!"
B) "There's something bothering me about this place. Gasp, I know! This lesbian bar has no fire exit! Enjoy your death-trap, ladies!"
C) "Why do they keep bringing Slash into this show? Not that there's anything wrong with it!"
8) While Mulder sets back hetero-alternative cultural co-existence back another decade, Scully's actually at work finding evidence via autopsy. Especially that note Sanjay wrote in his palm: "Founder's Mutation." You know this clue means:
A) Sanjay wanted the investigators to focus on Augustus Goldman. Who cares if the Punk think that phrase pertains to something else!
B) Sanjay knew what the title of this episode was going to be from the script he read.
C) Sanjay knew it would give Dana and Fox a reason to flirt! Again, thanks for taking one for the team, bro!
9) Finding out from Gupta that Sanjay led two lives and was worried about "his children dying", Mulder and Scully go driving through the alleyways of Vancouver to find his real abode. Along the way, Scully nearly drives over a tired-looking janitor who's running around like a social misfit. You realize:
A) AT LONG LAST SCULLY GETS TO DRIVE!
B) This episode's not going to be all that subtle with the clues, is it?
C) That's a car built for family driving. So... we're missing William, aren't we?
10) They reach Sanjay's real apartment and begin searching for clues. Scully finds one with a wall covered with photos of children suffering from physical deformities. Flashing red and blue lights from outside reveal the agents accidentally tripped an alarm, so they hurry to find more evidence before they can be interrupted. Suddenly, Mulder is hit with the high-pitch noise and bends over in pain. As Scully deals with handling the cops, Mulder endures the pain and starts hearing voices, repeating two messages: "Help me" and "Find her." You realize:
A) This is what the Punk gets for failing to acquire a warrant and the keys to the place!
B) It's Luke! Trying to reach out to his daughter Rey using the Force! ...what, you haven't seen Star Wars Episode VII yet? ARE YOU MAD! GO SEE IT NOW! This will wait until you get back.
C) Dana could have just as easily comforted Fox with a hug and hold up her FBI badge at the same time! What a missed opportunity! (cries)
11) It's Assistant Director Walter Skinner's office! He's reviewing the case so far, and Mulder refers to documents found in Sanjay's apartment. But it turns out those documents were seized as "Property of the Department of Defense" by a very angry-looking bearded bureaucrat giving the agents the stink-eye. But once that DoD jerk leaves the office with the documents, Skinner exhales and asks "I assume you made copies before they seized those papers?" You:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) see D)
D) Shout "Goddamn YES, Skinner! You know how it goes down, boss!"
12) Skinner lets Mulder and Scully know that given the bureaucratic nature of everything Post-9/11, the paperwork on closing their report will take days, giving the agents at least 48 hours to honestly complete their investigation into the likely genetic experimentation on children by our own Defense Dept. Once that's out of the way, the two go back to the X-Files basement... where we find that the only nameplate on the door says "Fox Mulder". You:
A) Scream an unholy scream and curse Chris Carter to the Nine Circles of Hell. The OBSSE got a nameplate for St. Scully, you SONOFABITCH, IT'S HER OFFICE TOO! AIM THE TROUT FOR CARTER'S SMUG FACE IN FIVE... FOUR... THREE... TWO...
B) Seriously wonder why Scully doesn't have a goddamn nameplate.
C) Seriously wonder why they can't put Dana and Fox's name on the same nameplate. After all, we're hoping they do that for the wedding invites!
13) Mulder and Scully share evidence as they examine the security cameras. Scully also takes the time to ask Mulder about what happened to him. Mulder describes the pain and that he heard the words "Find her." He notices the janitor in one security camera (NOT SUBTLE) and also notices the Murder of Crows (SUBTLE), pointing out that the sound he heard could also be affecting animals. Scully gets worried, noting that Sanjay heard that sound, and it drove him to suicide. "This is dangerous," she warns. "When has that ever stopped us?" Mulder snarks back. You answer:
A) "Whenever it got to the point where people died, you Punk!"
B) "Whenever the episode ended and you never followed up on loose threads, that's when!"
C) "She cares, Fox! Dammit, kiss her!"
14) Scully knows a way to reach Goldman. It turns out he's a prominent financial donor to Scully's hospital the Lady of Our Sorrows, and Scully attempts to get one of the administrators to arrange a meeting. The administrator (if she looks familiar, she played Scully's counselor during Seasons Two and Three) isn't thrilled that Goldman is under FBI investigation, but is able to relay a message to him that the FBI wants to talk. Mulder also suggests that the administrator asks him about "Founder's Mutation". As the administrator flinches at that phrase, you recognize:
A) The phrase might not have anything to do with Goldman himself, but something about genetics itself... SO WHY DOESN'T SCULLY KNOW ABOUT IT?
B) It's the title of David Bowie's next album, right? (beat) Oh... right... (cries)
C) That Fox knows well enough to stay out of Dana's way when they're in her place of power.
15) During their wait, Mulder and Scully are approached by a nervous young woman, pregnant and terrified that there's something wrong with her baby. Agnes alternates between begging for help to get out of the ward and believing the agents won't believe or help her. When the administrator shows up in the hallway, Agnes runs but not before Mulder can slip a card to her. As the administrator returns with a phone number to reach Goldman, Agnes watches from a distance while Escape From the Planet of the Apes plays on a TV behind her. You note:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Another Planet of the Apes reference, about future ape babies? Oh, yeah. Just HITTING US OVER THE HEAD WITH THE SUBTLETY here, people.
16) Mulder makes the connection between Goldman's philanthropy towards that hospital as his access to that pregnancy ward, and jumps to the conclusion that Goldman might be experimenting on those women. Scully's none too thrilled about that theory, because it brings up the fact that 15 years ago, SHE had a baby with the implications that baby was genetically messed with as well. "Was that all I was, an incubator?" Scully asks. Mulder replies, "You were never... just anything... to me, Scully." You:
A) Silently toast the Blessed Skeptic with a Scullyrita
B) "I got something in my eye."
C) Bawl your wet 'Shipper eyes out
17) The scene segues to a school, where a younger-looking Scully is walking her son William up to his first day there. They joke about the rules of surviving school, and then the scene shifts again in a nice effect of the closing doors re-opening to an older William racing off to some afternoon thing. And then the scene shifts to a darker tone, and Scully is worrying over a wounded William dealing with a broken forearm. And then it shifts to an even darker scene, at home with a teenaged William crying for his Mom. As Scully enters his room and finds William freaking out over his mutating into an alien hybrid, you:
A) Understand this is Scully's ongoing nightmare of the life that may befall her only son...
B) Realize that somebody's gotta make a call to Charles Xavier's School for an opening... why not? X-Files, X-Men, it's a natural crossover to make!
c) KEEP CRYING YOUR DAMN EYES OUT. Poor Dana... Nooooooooo...
18) Commercial break ends, and we're finally meeting Dr. Augustus Goldman. He's being asked about "Founder's Mutation" and remains evasive about it. Goldman tries to explain his work as "saving children," and escorts the agents to a hallway lined with young children suffering from unsettling deformities. He offers to let Scully speak to them, and Scully does with a poor child called Adam suffering a cycloptic condition. The conversation doesn't reveal much, but Scully notes the rooms are locked and the children are isolated and she questions why since they suffer from genetic disorders and aren't contagious. Goldman answers that they are using experimental procedures and need to control the environmental factors. "Like using alien DNA?" Scully retorts. Goldman flinches and replies "Dr. Scully, I was told you were the rational one." You reply:
A) "She is the rational one. She's also the one armed with a fully loaded fresh trout useful in slapping total Punks!"
B) "We're talking about the hybrid merging of Mytharc stories to Monster of the Week stories. And now, here, we have proof with this episode's Monster of the Week, Augustus Goldman!"
C) We're with the ones who answered A), Doc. NOBODY TALKS TO DANA LIKE THAT! (Insert Trout Slap Here)
NOTE: Meanwhile, a healthy-looking teenage girl named Molly is having a freak-out down the hallway for no sane reason other than to show off telekinetic abilities and set up a plot point. Not subtle, guys.
19) Something happened to Agnes. The agents are called to a crime scene where her body was found with Mulder's card on her. She died in a suspicious hit-and-run by the looks of things. And her baby's gone. Your response is:
A) "Damn them. It never gets any easier when people die on this show. For once, can't everyone live, just once?"
B) "Somebody at that pregnancy ward has to answer for this..."
C) "Given the theme of this episode, we really shouldn't have a snarky response to this."
20) Scully does the autopsy and confirms Agnes was killed by a car, and that her baby was surgically removed. She accepts the likelihood that the fetus was tied into Goldman's work but there's no proof now. Mulder brings up the "Founder's Mutation" phrase and reveals what it means: the idea that a "perfect" mutation - the Founder - would create the genetic keystone to the next stage in evolution. He notes how the Syndicate (Mytharc!) started such projects back in the 1970s but they never worked... but it doesn't mean they stopped trying. Mulder also pulls up more information about Goldman: 17 years prior his wife was placed in custody and charged with going insane and killing her own child while in the womb... and that baby's body was never found as well. With all this exposition going on, you know:
A) That we're certain this is going to lead up to Scully calling Charles Xavier's school and see if there's a William enrolled after all!
B) That we're certain this is going to tie into the final episode of the Battlestar Galactica reboot!
C) That we're certain this is going to end up with the writer survey cramming all the questions into a round number of 25! ...What, we've seen it before!
21) They find an unresponsive Mrs. Goldman sitting at a lunch table at the Conveniently Placed Criminally Insane Ward on the outskirts of Vancouver. Questions go unanswered until a cat comes in and she chucks an apple at it. Hey! MY CATS DO NOT APPROVE OF THAT, LADY! Ahem. No longer able to stay quiet, Mrs. Goldman starts explaining what happened: she discovered her 2-year-old daughter Molly had fallen into the pool... and had been under there for 10 minutes... and she was breathing just fine. You realize:
A) If Dr. Goldman had put a child protection fence around that swimming pool like he was supposed to, none of this would have slipped out...!
B) That was no ordinary cat! That was Oscar the Death Cat! AND HE'S COME FOR YOUR SOUL!
C) That we're not really in a 'Shipper-friendly setting at the moment, so we'll have to wait for the next question.
22) Realizing her husband had experimented on Molly... experimented on her unborn son... she freaks, slashes his arm, and flees the house as he ominously drips blood from the wound. Unfortunately, her freak-out doesn't lead to better driving, and she's crawling from the wreckage she started getting Scanned by her unborn son. Prompted by the pain, she performs her own radical version of a C-Section, exposing the womb and... and... OH MY GOD IS THAT A MOVING HAND?
A) AAAAAAAAAA
B) EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW
C) NEXT QUESTION! NEXT QUESTION!
23) Mulder realizes that the baby survived, and that he'd have grown up by now as a 16-year-old. He also notices the janitor at the Criminally Insane ward is the same janitorial contract service at Nugenics. Going back to the security cameras, he points out the young male janitor from Scene 7 is on the floor above Sanjay, and reacts in pain to Sanjay's death. They get his name from the vendor as Kyle Gilligan (SHOUTOUT) and drive off to his address. They're confronted by his defensive mother, who warns that they're to leave her boy alone, even though Mulder figures out she was there the night of the crash and saved that baby. When the crows suddenly appear on a nearby hill and the mother freaks out seeing them, you know:
A) SH-T'S ABOUT TO GET REAL.
B) Why they're called a Murder.
C) This is another chance for Dana to comfort Fox during another Psychic Sonic attack. (she runs off to put a gun to Kyle's head to make him stop instead) Oh, or she can do that... Yay.
24) They interrogate Kyle on the drive back to DC through the tall mountains ofBritish Columbia uh Maryland. Kyle admits he would never try to hurt anyone with what he can do, and Mulder realizes he can't control it. "I just want to find my sister," he says. Scully says "Molly" and he asks if she knows where Molly is. Scully answers that she knows who does. Next scene, Kyle is being examined by Augustus Goldman, who is treating the teen boy as though he was another patient, another experiment. There is something unsettling about the emotional disconnect that Goldman is showing towards his own son, and it makes you:
A) Shudder in disgust.
B) Note who the real monster of the week is after all.
C) Wistful that Dana always pictures herself being a better mother to her own son William, and hope that Fox does too!
25) As per arrangement, Goldman escorts Kyle to a room where that teenage girl we saw earlier called Molly is sitting alone. There's an awkward familial moment between brother and s... "No," Kyle says, frowning. He can tell that's not his sister. (Ooo, nice twist) Enraged, he slams his father out of the way and races down the hallway, turning a corner to find another girl, this time locked behind a glass doorway. The way they stare at each other, they can tell as they both raise a hand at the glass separating them. I never knew I had a brother, Molly projects telepathically, and you realize:
A) Of course the girl is going to have better control of her mutant powers!
B) Isn't this a plot point from the Lensman series?
C) Isn't this a plot point from the Star Wars movies? Dammit Leia you kissed your brother! Eewwww...
26) Realizingthat this survey isn't going to fit inside 25 questions that they don't have much time, they place both palms on the glass and focus. The sound intensifies and as Mulder and Scully round the corner, every glass window in the hallway shatters. As the siblings link hands for the first time in their lives, their father runs in, trying to stop them. "Just let me go, daddy!" Molly screams, but Kyle has another response as he boosts his Psychic Sonic attack on dear old dad. With Scully standing there, gun drawn, you think:
A) At least with Scully we know she won't drop the gun like the Punk does!
B) This is not going to end well either way. Someone needs to pull a fire alarm and cause a distraction first!
C) Kyle and Molly holding hands? That's NOT the 'Ship we were promised guys!
27) Molly uses her mutant powers to knock Scully's gun out of her hand and tosses her against the wall.
A) ...dammit...
B) Oh crap, Scully, this IS how Carrie got even at the prom...!
C) YAY! Fox went to check on Dana to see if she was okay!
28) Molly sends Mulder sprawling down the hallway atop a floor covered with broken glass. That can't be hygienic. Before Mulder passes out, he sees Augustus Goldman receiving the karmic punishment he deserves. Your response is:
A) "As long as the kids don't mess with Scully any further, we got no quarrel with ya. Move along... move along..."
B) "He tampered in God's domain."
C) "We don't like all this gore and blood in a potentially 'Shippy episode. When are we gonna get the episodes that involves investigating beaches on long summer evenings with a bottle of the finest wines of Vancouver?"
29) The Department of Defense has taken over the lab and the bearded guy orders Skinner back behind the red tape (SUBTLE). Skinner notes that the investigation is officially over, even as Scully asks if there's any trace of Kyle or Molly. "There's never any trace," Scully sighs. Except Mulder slips out of his pocket the vial of blood Goldman took from Kyle. "There's a trace," Mulder whispers as they walk away, and you reply:
A) "Let Scully take it! She's the one who can test it!"
B) "Save it for the season finale!"
C) "Now we can get the scene of them going to the nearest motel and... and... uh, why are we getting an edit cut to 2001?"
30) It's Mulder watching 2001 (why not Planet of the Apes? We had that reference earlier) with his young son William. We watch Mulder imagine what it would have been like being a father to his son, growing up playing with model rockets and William saying "I'm going up there some day"... only for that vision to shift to Mulder watching in horror as aliens show up to abduct a teenage William from his bedroom much like what he saw with his own sister Samantha. As the episode ends with Mulder pining over a picture of baby William, you realize:
A) That dammit, for all the punk things the Punk does to the Blessed One, sometimes we got to sympathize with his plight as a grieving father as well...
B) That for a Monster of the Week/Mytharc mashup, this went surprisingly well.
C) That dammit, Dana and Fox shouldn't separate themselves over the loss of their son like this. Why are they in separate grief over this? IT'S NOT RIGHT IT'S NOT... oh, no, sniff, this isn't fair (openly cries)
If you more often than not answered:
A) You're a member of the OBSSE who thinks that someday William will return with a backlog of Mother's Day cards.
B) You're an X-Phile who likes the Mytharc stories to have this kind of clarity and emotional punch.
C) You're a 'Shipper who knows that if they can just find William then Dana and Fox can repair this 'Ship and SAVE OUR HEARTS. Sigh.
Next up: A Darin Morgan episode. I will post shortly about why this is a big f-cking deal.
In the meantime, here's a Glen Morgan penned episode with good old Monster of the Week mayhem, but with the added dash of being tied into the Mytharc! Whoa!
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: Founder's Mutation
1) The episode opens on a bloodshot eye getting retinal scanned for security clearance. The eye belongs to a Dr. Sanjay, who's entering a Nugenics office complex and coping with the hassles of any normal workday: annoying co-workers, lack of coffee, that persistent high-pitched ringing that forces you to down an entire bottle of Bayer, etc. It leads to the other hassle: long boring boardroom meeting where others are bickering over the commands from their overlord "Founder" Augustus Goldman. Nobody else seems to notice Sanjay's headaches are getting worse or that there's a Murder of Crows gathering on the rolling hills of Vancouver outside their window. When Sanjay finally flips out in the meeting and flees the room, you:
A) Suggest he go find a respectable doctor like Scully to get that tinnitus taken care of!
B) Like the subtle touch of using the collective noun for crows. Murder indeed...
C) Wonder if that one guy typing away on his tablet during the meeting was distracting himself with some erotic Dana/Fox fanfiction!
2) Sanjay's gone and locked himself in a computer server room, fixated on downloading as much data as he can. As his worried co-workers pound at the window, and as the security guards start cracking the door lock to break in to stop him, the noise in Sanjay's head drives him over the edge. He grabs a marker, writes a mysterious note on his hand, and then grabs a letter opener. As he graphically shoves it into his ear... as far as he can... you:
A) Shout at the screen "Dammit that's NOT how you treat tinnitus!"
B) Wonder aloud "Who has a letter opener in a computer server room?! Wouldn't a Phillips head screwdriver be a more sensible weapon to have on hand?"
C) Flinch in horror at this poor man's death. There's nothing fun or 'Shippy about... about... hey, won't Dana and Fox show up at this guy's autopsy and flirt shamelessly over the corpse? Good move, Sanjay, thanks for taking one for the team!
3) Mulder and Scully do indeed show up at the crime scene. Mulder examines the body and the room, and asks "What do you think Scully?" Scully hovers over him and answers "Looks like suicide Mulder. Note the letter opener sticking out of the ear." You answer:
A) "No Sh-t, you Punk!"
B) "Check the pockets for money, I'll grab the expensive watch."
C) "Yay! They're flirting already!"
4) Mulder points out how Sanjay put himself in the most secure room in the building with isolated servers, with the terminal he was working from the only way to access the data. As Mulder grabs the external drive Sanjay was using, a beefy security guard shows up to confiscate the drive, claiming "national security". It turns out Nugenics has a Defense contract, hence the FBI investigating Sanjay's death. Mulder notes they need to determine what Sanjay was trying to download, so he asks to interview the company's owner Augustus Goldman. When the security guard refuses that request by noting he can't verify the whereabouts of "The Founder", you realize:
A) This isn't a genetics lab, it's a CULT! Listen to that, talking about a person as a mythic, otherworldly being of perfection! Trout slap him, St. Scully, and pass the Scullyrita, fellow OBSSE members! ...what?
B) Anyone insisting on being called "The Founder" is bound to have sociopathic tendencies like a massive ego and pretensions of godhood. So we've got a good idea who the real Monster of the Week is going to be.
C) We've gone five minutes without a handhold between Dana and Fox! Dammit, we need a fix soon...
5) While Scully distracts the guard over the security cameras and the need to view any documentation, Mulder quietly checks Sanjay's pockets for more clues, finds a cell phone, and swipes the dead man's thumb to unlock the biosecurity on it. He then walks out of the room before the security guard realizes he lifted that phone. You scream:
A) "You better not use Sanjay's phone to sext people, you Punk!"
B) "Dammit, Mulder, what about the wallet! You should have grabbed the wallet!"
C) "Good God. I just realized: before smartphones, we never really sexted people. Wow. If we had that technology back in 1993, this show could have been so much kinkier!"
6) As Mulder and Scully leave the building, they argue over the legality of Mulder's swiping Sanjay's phone. During that conversation, they nearly bump into a janitor for absolutely no real reason at all. You know this means:
A) That janitor knows something!
B) That janitor knows something!
C) That janitor gave Fox the excuse to brush against Dana's shoulder! Sigh...
7) Mulder follows a lead over "Gupta" to a bar in Washington DC called "The Corner Pocket". He meets Gupta in a booth, noticing there's a couple of possible Men in Black watching nearby, and asks about meeting somewhere "more private" and that he's "safe". You watch all this and exclaim:
A) "Man, Mulder REALLY doesn't know how to pick up guys in bars!"
B) "There's something bothering me about this place. Gasp, I know! This lesbian bar has no fire exit! Enjoy your death-trap, ladies!"
C) "Why do they keep bringing Slash into this show? Not that there's anything wrong with it!"
8) While Mulder sets back hetero-alternative cultural co-existence back another decade, Scully's actually at work finding evidence via autopsy. Especially that note Sanjay wrote in his palm: "Founder's Mutation." You know this clue means:
A) Sanjay wanted the investigators to focus on Augustus Goldman. Who cares if the Punk think that phrase pertains to something else!
B) Sanjay knew what the title of this episode was going to be from the script he read.
C) Sanjay knew it would give Dana and Fox a reason to flirt! Again, thanks for taking one for the team, bro!
9) Finding out from Gupta that Sanjay led two lives and was worried about "his children dying", Mulder and Scully go driving through the alleyways of Vancouver to find his real abode. Along the way, Scully nearly drives over a tired-looking janitor who's running around like a social misfit. You realize:
A) AT LONG LAST SCULLY GETS TO DRIVE!
B) This episode's not going to be all that subtle with the clues, is it?
C) That's a car built for family driving. So... we're missing William, aren't we?
10) They reach Sanjay's real apartment and begin searching for clues. Scully finds one with a wall covered with photos of children suffering from physical deformities. Flashing red and blue lights from outside reveal the agents accidentally tripped an alarm, so they hurry to find more evidence before they can be interrupted. Suddenly, Mulder is hit with the high-pitch noise and bends over in pain. As Scully deals with handling the cops, Mulder endures the pain and starts hearing voices, repeating two messages: "Help me" and "Find her." You realize:
A) This is what the Punk gets for failing to acquire a warrant and the keys to the place!
B) It's Luke! Trying to reach out to his daughter Rey using the Force! ...what, you haven't seen Star Wars Episode VII yet? ARE YOU MAD! GO SEE IT NOW! This will wait until you get back.
C) Dana could have just as easily comforted Fox with a hug and hold up her FBI badge at the same time! What a missed opportunity! (cries)
11) It's Assistant Director Walter Skinner's office! He's reviewing the case so far, and Mulder refers to documents found in Sanjay's apartment. But it turns out those documents were seized as "Property of the Department of Defense" by a very angry-looking bearded bureaucrat giving the agents the stink-eye. But once that DoD jerk leaves the office with the documents, Skinner exhales and asks "I assume you made copies before they seized those papers?" You:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) see D)
D) Shout "Goddamn YES, Skinner! You know how it goes down, boss!"
12) Skinner lets Mulder and Scully know that given the bureaucratic nature of everything Post-9/11, the paperwork on closing their report will take days, giving the agents at least 48 hours to honestly complete their investigation into the likely genetic experimentation on children by our own Defense Dept. Once that's out of the way, the two go back to the X-Files basement... where we find that the only nameplate on the door says "Fox Mulder". You:
A) Scream an unholy scream and curse Chris Carter to the Nine Circles of Hell. The OBSSE got a nameplate for St. Scully, you SONOFABITCH, IT'S HER OFFICE TOO! AIM THE TROUT FOR CARTER'S SMUG FACE IN FIVE... FOUR... THREE... TWO...
B) Seriously wonder why Scully doesn't have a goddamn nameplate.
C) Seriously wonder why they can't put Dana and Fox's name on the same nameplate. After all, we're hoping they do that for the wedding invites!
13) Mulder and Scully share evidence as they examine the security cameras. Scully also takes the time to ask Mulder about what happened to him. Mulder describes the pain and that he heard the words "Find her." He notices the janitor in one security camera (NOT SUBTLE) and also notices the Murder of Crows (SUBTLE), pointing out that the sound he heard could also be affecting animals. Scully gets worried, noting that Sanjay heard that sound, and it drove him to suicide. "This is dangerous," she warns. "When has that ever stopped us?" Mulder snarks back. You answer:
A) "Whenever it got to the point where people died, you Punk!"
B) "Whenever the episode ended and you never followed up on loose threads, that's when!"
C) "She cares, Fox! Dammit, kiss her!"
14) Scully knows a way to reach Goldman. It turns out he's a prominent financial donor to Scully's hospital the Lady of Our Sorrows, and Scully attempts to get one of the administrators to arrange a meeting. The administrator (if she looks familiar, she played Scully's counselor during Seasons Two and Three) isn't thrilled that Goldman is under FBI investigation, but is able to relay a message to him that the FBI wants to talk. Mulder also suggests that the administrator asks him about "Founder's Mutation". As the administrator flinches at that phrase, you recognize:
A) The phrase might not have anything to do with Goldman himself, but something about genetics itself... SO WHY DOESN'T SCULLY KNOW ABOUT IT?
B) It's the title of David Bowie's next album, right? (beat) Oh... right... (cries)
C) That Fox knows well enough to stay out of Dana's way when they're in her place of power.
15) During their wait, Mulder and Scully are approached by a nervous young woman, pregnant and terrified that there's something wrong with her baby. Agnes alternates between begging for help to get out of the ward and believing the agents won't believe or help her. When the administrator shows up in the hallway, Agnes runs but not before Mulder can slip a card to her. As the administrator returns with a phone number to reach Goldman, Agnes watches from a distance while Escape From the Planet of the Apes plays on a TV behind her. You note:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Another Planet of the Apes reference, about future ape babies? Oh, yeah. Just HITTING US OVER THE HEAD WITH THE SUBTLETY here, people.
16) Mulder makes the connection between Goldman's philanthropy towards that hospital as his access to that pregnancy ward, and jumps to the conclusion that Goldman might be experimenting on those women. Scully's none too thrilled about that theory, because it brings up the fact that 15 years ago, SHE had a baby with the implications that baby was genetically messed with as well. "Was that all I was, an incubator?" Scully asks. Mulder replies, "You were never... just anything... to me, Scully." You:
A) Silently toast the Blessed Skeptic with a Scullyrita
B) "I got something in my eye."
C) Bawl your wet 'Shipper eyes out
17) The scene segues to a school, where a younger-looking Scully is walking her son William up to his first day there. They joke about the rules of surviving school, and then the scene shifts again in a nice effect of the closing doors re-opening to an older William racing off to some afternoon thing. And then the scene shifts to a darker tone, and Scully is worrying over a wounded William dealing with a broken forearm. And then it shifts to an even darker scene, at home with a teenaged William crying for his Mom. As Scully enters his room and finds William freaking out over his mutating into an alien hybrid, you:
A) Understand this is Scully's ongoing nightmare of the life that may befall her only son...
B) Realize that somebody's gotta make a call to Charles Xavier's School for an opening... why not? X-Files, X-Men, it's a natural crossover to make!
c) KEEP CRYING YOUR DAMN EYES OUT. Poor Dana... Nooooooooo...
18) Commercial break ends, and we're finally meeting Dr. Augustus Goldman. He's being asked about "Founder's Mutation" and remains evasive about it. Goldman tries to explain his work as "saving children," and escorts the agents to a hallway lined with young children suffering from unsettling deformities. He offers to let Scully speak to them, and Scully does with a poor child called Adam suffering a cycloptic condition. The conversation doesn't reveal much, but Scully notes the rooms are locked and the children are isolated and she questions why since they suffer from genetic disorders and aren't contagious. Goldman answers that they are using experimental procedures and need to control the environmental factors. "Like using alien DNA?" Scully retorts. Goldman flinches and replies "Dr. Scully, I was told you were the rational one." You reply:
A) "She is the rational one. She's also the one armed with a fully loaded fresh trout useful in slapping total Punks!"
B) "We're talking about the hybrid merging of Mytharc stories to Monster of the Week stories. And now, here, we have proof with this episode's Monster of the Week, Augustus Goldman!"
C) We're with the ones who answered A), Doc. NOBODY TALKS TO DANA LIKE THAT! (Insert Trout Slap Here)
NOTE: Meanwhile, a healthy-looking teenage girl named Molly is having a freak-out down the hallway for no sane reason other than to show off telekinetic abilities and set up a plot point. Not subtle, guys.
19) Something happened to Agnes. The agents are called to a crime scene where her body was found with Mulder's card on her. She died in a suspicious hit-and-run by the looks of things. And her baby's gone. Your response is:
A) "Damn them. It never gets any easier when people die on this show. For once, can't everyone live, just once?"
B) "Somebody at that pregnancy ward has to answer for this..."
C) "Given the theme of this episode, we really shouldn't have a snarky response to this."
20) Scully does the autopsy and confirms Agnes was killed by a car, and that her baby was surgically removed. She accepts the likelihood that the fetus was tied into Goldman's work but there's no proof now. Mulder brings up the "Founder's Mutation" phrase and reveals what it means: the idea that a "perfect" mutation - the Founder - would create the genetic keystone to the next stage in evolution. He notes how the Syndicate (Mytharc!) started such projects back in the 1970s but they never worked... but it doesn't mean they stopped trying. Mulder also pulls up more information about Goldman: 17 years prior his wife was placed in custody and charged with going insane and killing her own child while in the womb... and that baby's body was never found as well. With all this exposition going on, you know:
A) That we're certain this is going to lead up to Scully calling Charles Xavier's school and see if there's a William enrolled after all!
B) That we're certain this is going to tie into the final episode of the Battlestar Galactica reboot!
C) That we're certain this is going to end up with the writer survey cramming all the questions into a round number of 25! ...What, we've seen it before!
21) They find an unresponsive Mrs. Goldman sitting at a lunch table at the Conveniently Placed Criminally Insane Ward on the outskirts of Vancouver. Questions go unanswered until a cat comes in and she chucks an apple at it. Hey! MY CATS DO NOT APPROVE OF THAT, LADY! Ahem. No longer able to stay quiet, Mrs. Goldman starts explaining what happened: she discovered her 2-year-old daughter Molly had fallen into the pool... and had been under there for 10 minutes... and she was breathing just fine. You realize:
A) If Dr. Goldman had put a child protection fence around that swimming pool like he was supposed to, none of this would have slipped out...!
B) That was no ordinary cat! That was Oscar the Death Cat! AND HE'S COME FOR YOUR SOUL!
C) That we're not really in a 'Shipper-friendly setting at the moment, so we'll have to wait for the next question.
22) Realizing her husband had experimented on Molly... experimented on her unborn son... she freaks, slashes his arm, and flees the house as he ominously drips blood from the wound. Unfortunately, her freak-out doesn't lead to better driving, and she's crawling from the wreckage she started getting Scanned by her unborn son. Prompted by the pain, she performs her own radical version of a C-Section, exposing the womb and... and... OH MY GOD IS THAT A MOVING HAND?
A) AAAAAAAAAA
B) EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW
C) NEXT QUESTION! NEXT QUESTION!
23) Mulder realizes that the baby survived, and that he'd have grown up by now as a 16-year-old. He also notices the janitor at the Criminally Insane ward is the same janitorial contract service at Nugenics. Going back to the security cameras, he points out the young male janitor from Scene 7 is on the floor above Sanjay, and reacts in pain to Sanjay's death. They get his name from the vendor as Kyle Gilligan (SHOUTOUT) and drive off to his address. They're confronted by his defensive mother, who warns that they're to leave her boy alone, even though Mulder figures out she was there the night of the crash and saved that baby. When the crows suddenly appear on a nearby hill and the mother freaks out seeing them, you know:
A) SH-T'S ABOUT TO GET REAL.
B) Why they're called a Murder.
C) This is another chance for Dana to comfort Fox during another Psychic Sonic attack. (she runs off to put a gun to Kyle's head to make him stop instead) Oh, or she can do that... Yay.
24) They interrogate Kyle on the drive back to DC through the tall mountains of
A) Shudder in disgust.
B) Note who the real monster of the week is after all.
C) Wistful that Dana always pictures herself being a better mother to her own son William, and hope that Fox does too!
25) As per arrangement, Goldman escorts Kyle to a room where that teenage girl we saw earlier called Molly is sitting alone. There's an awkward familial moment between brother and s... "No," Kyle says, frowning. He can tell that's not his sister. (Ooo, nice twist) Enraged, he slams his father out of the way and races down the hallway, turning a corner to find another girl, this time locked behind a glass doorway. The way they stare at each other, they can tell as they both raise a hand at the glass separating them. I never knew I had a brother, Molly projects telepathically, and you realize:
A) Of course the girl is going to have better control of her mutant powers!
B) Isn't this a plot point from the Lensman series?
C) Isn't this a plot point from the Star Wars movies? Dammit Leia you kissed your brother! Eewwww...
26) Realizing
A) At least with Scully we know she won't drop the gun like the Punk does!
B) This is not going to end well either way. Someone needs to pull a fire alarm and cause a distraction first!
C) Kyle and Molly holding hands? That's NOT the 'Ship we were promised guys!
27) Molly uses her mutant powers to knock Scully's gun out of her hand and tosses her against the wall.
A) ...dammit...
B) Oh crap, Scully, this IS how Carrie got even at the prom...!
C) YAY! Fox went to check on Dana to see if she was okay!
28) Molly sends Mulder sprawling down the hallway atop a floor covered with broken glass. That can't be hygienic. Before Mulder passes out, he sees Augustus Goldman receiving the karmic punishment he deserves. Your response is:
A) "As long as the kids don't mess with Scully any further, we got no quarrel with ya. Move along... move along..."
B) "He tampered in God's domain."
C) "We don't like all this gore and blood in a potentially 'Shippy episode. When are we gonna get the episodes that involves investigating beaches on long summer evenings with a bottle of the finest wines of Vancouver?"
29) The Department of Defense has taken over the lab and the bearded guy orders Skinner back behind the red tape (SUBTLE). Skinner notes that the investigation is officially over, even as Scully asks if there's any trace of Kyle or Molly. "There's never any trace," Scully sighs. Except Mulder slips out of his pocket the vial of blood Goldman took from Kyle. "There's a trace," Mulder whispers as they walk away, and you reply:
A) "Let Scully take it! She's the one who can test it!"
B) "Save it for the season finale!"
C) "Now we can get the scene of them going to the nearest motel and... and... uh, why are we getting an edit cut to 2001?"
30) It's Mulder watching 2001 (why not Planet of the Apes? We had that reference earlier) with his young son William. We watch Mulder imagine what it would have been like being a father to his son, growing up playing with model rockets and William saying "I'm going up there some day"... only for that vision to shift to Mulder watching in horror as aliens show up to abduct a teenage William from his bedroom much like what he saw with his own sister Samantha. As the episode ends with Mulder pining over a picture of baby William, you realize:
A) That dammit, for all the punk things the Punk does to the Blessed One, sometimes we got to sympathize with his plight as a grieving father as well...
B) That for a Monster of the Week/Mytharc mashup, this went surprisingly well.
C) That dammit, Dana and Fox shouldn't separate themselves over the loss of their son like this. Why are they in separate grief over this? IT'S NOT RIGHT IT'S NOT... oh, no, sniff, this isn't fair (openly cries)
If you more often than not answered:
A) You're a member of the OBSSE who thinks that someday William will return with a backlog of Mother's Day cards.
B) You're an X-Phile who likes the Mytharc stories to have this kind of clarity and emotional punch.
C) You're a 'Shipper who knows that if they can just find William then Dana and Fox can repair this 'Ship and SAVE OUR HEARTS. Sigh.
Next up: A Darin Morgan episode. I will post shortly about why this is a big f-cking deal.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
X-Files: My Struggle 'Shipper Survey
It's here.
It's back.
It's... still a confusing mytharc mess.
Sigh.
I'll try to get through this without as much damage to the original timeline as I can make it.
On the bright side: MULDER AND SCULLY ARE BACK IN TOWN
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: My Struggle
Um, to the Germans visiting my website, I know that title is going to be a bit problematic at best...
1) The episode begins with... AH HELL IT'S A REVIVAL EPISODE OF THE X-FILES WHO CARES! LET'S CELEBRATE!
A) You're gonna write a survey and dammit no more distractions! (trout slap)
B) We were promised cake.
C) DANA AND FOX ARE BACK! YAAAAAAAAY!
2) Okay, it really begins with Fox Mulder (Look kids! David Duchovny!) narrating about the past as he places folders and photos atop a desk: his troubled past of his sister's abduction by aliens, his rise within the ranks of the FBI pursuing bizarre cases hidden away in a covert department known as the X-Files, his teaming up with another agent Dana Scully (Look kids! Gillian Anderson!), their travails trying to uncover the TRUTH about the existence of extraterrestrials and the oncoming invasion, and their subsequent exile from the Bureau. As the pile of documents and pictures burst into flames, you take it all in and think:
A) Why does Mulder get to do the opening narration? Scully can narrate too, you know! Damn that Punk!
B) Is this the opening shot of about 500 different MTV videos from the mid-1980s?
C) NOOOOO! The picture of Dana and Fox shouldn't be burning! That's a bad omen before the wedding!
3) As Mulder continues to narrate about the plausibility about alien visitations, a UFO crashes in a remote desert. And then... THE THEME MUSIC and original credits roll! WOO-HOO! PARTY TIME, THE NINETIES ARE BACK BABY WE NEVER LEFT IT WOO-HOO!
A) We're not going to get through this survey with any semblance of sanity, are we?
B) Um, there may be a need for nostalgia here, but couldn't the network pay a little more to update the opening credits from 1993? (sees that they added Mitch Pileggi as Skinner) Well, okay, that's an improvement...
C) BREAK OUT THE TEA, KIDS! DANA AND FOX ARE GONNA HOLD HANDS AND FLIRT OVER AUTOPSIES AGAIN! (literally calling on the kids, it's been more than twenty years now, there has to be younguns in high school groaning about their parents' obsession with this 'Ship)
4) We're still in the desert, 1947, clear reference to Roswell. A bus with most of the windows painted black to hide location from the occupants drives down a desert road. A lone military officer, with the doctor's lapel badge, being escorted by a man in a black suit ride out to the crash site. As the doctor stares in amazement at the crash, you realize:
A) This doctor better have the common sense and divine wisdom of the Blessed Skeptic!
B) Hey! Weren't the UFOs in the original series all TRIANGLE-SHAPED?! What gives with the saucer look! We know damn well the REAL spaceships weren't disks, this is insulting, dammit Chris Carter you're making us toss all the books in the 001.92 shelf area at your head for your faux pas over here!
C) You're going into withdrawal symptoms too early. It's been years since your last 'Shipper fix and DAMMIT TONIGHT YOU NEED A HIT...
5) Flash-forward to 2016. A woman is prepping for surgery when an urgent call comes in. The camera doesn't reveal the face until we find out the call is coming in from an Assistant Director Skinner. Then Gillian Anderson turns to the camera and ZOMG IT'S SCULLY!
A) IT'S THE BLESSED ONE! KNEEL, YOU FOOLS!
B) Hey, wasn't she on Hannibal earlier this season?
C) Faint
6) Scene shifts to someone watching Barack Obama on the Jimmy Kimmel show, joking about UFOs.
A) Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on an Arrow/Flash crossover episode.
B) Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on Supergirl.
C) There's no way Barry can cameo on Agents Of SHIELD: they've already established that they're in a different universe where actor William Sadler became President. So this answer has to go "Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on Doctor Who."
Side note: I gotta wonder, was Barry ever posting on the alt.tv.x-files Usenet back in the day?! I mean, that was well back when he wasn't in elected office and all, and he's a full-on geek... he HAD to have been a fan back in the day, you think?! Everybody, check the archives for a B_OBOMA_XPhile account!
7) We discover that Mulder is watching the show, and when he gets the call he sees it's Scully and he gripes to her right off the bat about how his entire life's work has been turned into a punchline. You reply:
A) "Dammit, you Punk, it's always the Me Me Me whining out of you!"
B) "That's the problem with the 21st Century. Everyone's forgotten the phone etiquette of the 90s!"
C) "Dammit, Fox, instead of a phone conversation you could meet with Dana face-to-face. AND THEN KISS HER!"
8) Scully tells Mulder that Skinner is looking for him. Mulder: "Why doesn't he just call me?" Scully: "He doesn't have your phone number, dummy!" You:
A) "Well, that's what Scully should have said!"
B) "Skinner's with the freaking FBI! THEY'VE GOT EVERYBODY'S PHONE NUMBER!" (Survey writer is informed by his DIA contacts that it's actually the NSA, not the FBI or the CIA. WTF with this POS, IDK)
C) "Damn Slashers, it's not what you think!"
9) Scully tells Mulder that a high-profile conspiracy guy on the media, a Tad O'Malley, is seeking Mulder down with shocking news about aliens and what-what. Mulder skeptically watches O'Malley's video stream and wonders why Scully would be interested in getting dragged back into the mess. Scully just relays that she's the messenger. Mulder tells her to go ahead and have Skinner set up the meet. Then he says "But don't think I won't go it alone." To you that means:
A) The Punk is dragging the sainted one back into HIS mess anyway! What a Punk! Trout slap him now!
B) He's gonna Assemble the Avengers! ...what?
C) They're gonna get married, and THEN go to the meet as a couple! ...well, it COULD mean that!
10) Look, everybody! It's a CGI background of the Capitol Dome! That can only mean one thing!
A) They're filming in Vancouver again!
B) They're filming in Los Angeles again!
C) Dana and Fox are gonna see each other again!
11) Mulder and Scully meet, exchange words. They talk like an amicable ex-couple, with Scully worrying about Mulder not getting out of that sad farmhouse from the second movie and Mulder being flippant and distant. Scully: "I'm always happy to see you." Mulder: "And I'm always happy to find a reason." You:
A) "Okay, Scully, now break out that trout and slap him with it! He talked you into that horrible second movie and he can't hide from it anymore!"
B) "What second movie? There never was a second movie. You can't convince me there was a lame horror attempt at a film about two-headed Russian gangsters, never, not in a million years!"
C) "NOOOOO Why are they talking like they haven't seen each other in years? NOooooooo, The RIFT! Damn NoRomos..."
12) A limo pulls up, and Tad O'Malley (look kids! It's that guy from Community! No, not the cool geeky one with the meta-awareness skills!) greets the former FBI agents and requests that they share a ride and discuss matters. O'Malley goes all paranoid, believing that drones are deployed to record conversations and that the limo is safer. You consider it and suggest:
A) That they use the DC Metro instead, with it being underground and hard for shadows to keep up with you. Unless they're not filming in DC, in which case they can use the LA subway instead.
B) That they deploy white noise filters and find a spot in the nearby Mall with high tree cover. Unless they're not filming in DC, in which case they can use the Vancouver mountainside.
C) That Dana and Fox go and find a nearby Comfort Inn in DC and deploy the magic fingers bed! Sigh.
13) O'Malley's limo is well-stocked with expensive wine and bulletproof windows. He tries to sweet-talk the former agents but Mulder's having none of it, dismissing O'Malley's talk of believing in alien conspiracies only as a gimmick to get audiences rather than the truth. O'Malley questions Mulder about the X-Files but Mulder notes that's no longer a thing, "that book is closed." Scully notes it "for better or worse, we've moved on." Mulder wistfully adds, "Yes we have. For better or worse." You realize this means:
A) "OH NO, Scully lost her desk from Season Eight!"
B) "OH NO, The prop guys at the studio lost the filing cabinets!"
C) "OH NO THEY DIVORCED DANA AND FOX BROKE UP NOOOOOO" (cry) (curl up in fetal position)
14) Mulder tries to test O'Malley's knowledge of UFO lore by tossing out an obscure abduction incident. It's a pretty low-key one as well, which O'Malley answers much like reading the text straight from a book. Mulder at least seems impressed he's done the homework. For yourself:
A) You know there's a better test to use: the Trout Slap Endurance. If he can withstand fifty trout slaps, he's solid, he's cool...
B) You know an even better test: The Voight-Kampff test! So, you see this tortoise in the desert...
C) You know an even better test: The OKCupid tests! Including the one where Fox can find out if Dana is his one-in-five-billion. Sigh...
15) O'Malley takes Mulder and Scully to a remote house, where a young woman with a noticeable accent (but hard to place, Russian, Ukrainian, Klingon?) greets them and notes at the door that Mulder has seen her before, which he doesn't recall. Sveta proceeds to talk about her abduction experiences, including the harvesting of her babies, genetic manipulation to make her psychic which she tries to demonstrate by 'reading' Mulder with some success, and displays signs of physical mutilation in the form of carved-out chunks of her flesh. But unlike previous abduction stories, Sveta isn't blaming aliens: she's blaming the secret cabal of human military agents we know as the Syndicate as the real culprits all along. You try listening to half of this and realize:
A) Man, Chris Carter really painted himself into a corner years ago, didn't he?
B) They already covered most of this from the Season Four finale Gethsemane!
C) Noooooo, they brought up poor baby William, noooooooooooooo no wonder Dana and Fox drifted apart...
16) Sveta is willing to undergo a medical exam by Scully, during which Sveta tries to convince the skeptical agent that her experimentation has given her some telekinetic abilities as well as telepathic. When asked, Sveta admits "not right now" and gets rather defensive. "How would you know what it's like, to be abducted and experimented on by aliens?" Sveta whines. Scully just smiles and leans towards her. And stares. AND JUST STARES AT HER. And Sveta gets this Oh Crap look on her face when she realizes Scully does know what it's like. You know:
A) Sveta's a goner! KICK HER ASS, SWAT!SCULLY
B) Sveta's a con artist... Her "mind-reading" ability is mostly picking up visual cues and knowing the back-histories of her marks. Except she never got the homework on Scully, did she...
C) OH NO YOU DIDN'T, GIRL. Nobody questions Dana's maternal leanings!
17) While Scully is busy, O'Malley takes Mulder to a remote warehouse/airfield where scientists are working on their own alien tech. Utilizing such catch-phrases as "zero-point energy" and rare elements like Ununpentium (115), these scientists have reverse-engineered all nine seasons of the X-Files to reveal that the alien tech Mulder's been seeking all these years has been man-made all along. As they successfully make the triangular airplane-shaped craft hover above Mulder's head and make it turn invisibile, you point out:
A) "Wait! Ununpentium is highly radioactive, and NOBODY'S wearing hazmat suits near this thing?!"
B) "Wait! Isn't it a common plot point that every time Mulder gets to see something like this, the bad guys show up twenty minutes later and blow it all up? You scientists aren't that smart!"
C) "Wait! Fox needs to go give Dana a hug and talk about what happened to their son! Sniff..."
18) While another flashback to the crashed UFO shows the doctor then recovering the bullet-riddled corpse of an alien distracts our attention, O'Malley goes to butter up Scully while she works at the hospital while Sveta goes to Mulder to talk to him more about what she knows about the men behind her abductions. While Scully remains cryptic towards O'Malley's attempts to get her to trust him, Mulder buys into Sveta's story and starts ranting to Scully over the phone about Sveta being "the key" to everything. You recall:
A) That the Punk keeps thinking someone else is THE KEY to unraveling the Truth every other episode back in the day! /headdesk
B) That these back-and-forth phone conversations were a lot more fun when they used flip-phones!
C) The RIFT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
19) The scene shifts to an empty office. It's somewhere in the basement of the Hoover Building. Mulder enters to find a ladder, a bunch of pencils sticking in the ceiling where he put them for seven seasons (remember, Eight and Nine he was AWOL), and his I WANT TO BELIEVE poster left strewn on the floor. Skinner (look kids! Mitch Pileggi!) now older and with a grandfatherly beard tries to remind Mulder that the files were all stolen back when Doggett and Reyes were assigned to the department (and before they disappeared not only from the bureau but from the show's narrative). Mulder thought the files were still there, and gets upset that he'd been lied to and manipulated from the very beginning. He kicks at his own poster, tearing it. You take this all in and consider the most implausible part of this entire scene:
A) That the FBI allowed those pencils to stay up there for 14 years! I mean, c'mon! EVERY office worker will tell you, they need every pencil they can get! And there's a ladder right there! Sheesh...
B) That the janitors would leave their cleaning cart there where any agent can steal it! I mean, c'mon, same reason as leaving those pencils around.
C) That Dana's not there to complain about losing her nameplate! Okay, normally this would be an A) answer, but I needed to put the pencils gag up top where it would work better with B), and... and...
D) Mulder just giving his number to Skinner now. C'mon! I don't care about the NSA being the numbers-keepers, but as an Assistant Director to the FBI even Skinner should have a way to get information on ANYBODY... Also, it has nothing to do with you Damn Slashers! (Note: for those who don't get the joke, there's an occasional D) option whenever Skinner or another major character does something of interest)
20) O'Malley's back on his TV show ranting about gun rights, but tries to take a minute to talk about Scully's work helping kids as a likely ploy to get her to trust him more. Meanwhile, Scully is looking at medical results she'd gotten back on Sveta, and asks her co-worker to have them re-tested for something she noticed (or didn't) in the results. You know this means:
A) Scully has proof Sveta's a fake! TROUT SLAP HER
B) Scully has concerns her own blood that she's testing is showing the same signs as Sveta's! UH OH
C) Dana's gonna need a HUG
21) Mulder does his patented "Meet a Secret Source Out in the Open for Some Godforsaken Reason" moment, this time with a BRAND NEW SPECIAL GUEST INFORMANT we'll call Grumpy Old Man. Once again Mulder throws out his guesswork about the latest clues he's getting: everything pointing to the whole ALIENS plot as a smokescreen for Secret Government Takeover. Grumpy Old Man mocks the earlier mytharc stuff about warring factions setting each other on fire, and that Mulder still hasn't fit all the puzzles together for him to give him the full truth. Which is more infuriating to you?
A) That Scully never gets these cryptic informants! Why can't she meet with crazy old people in alleyways and rooftops and dark places in Vancouver?! (insert Troutslap aimed at Chris Carter)
B) That every time a so-called informant steps up to provide information, THEY REALLY DON'T. They just stand there and say "You're close" or "You can't comprehend it yet" or "If I reveal too much, people will stop watching this show." IT GOT OLD DURING THE ORIGINAL SERIES AND IT'S BORING NOW. (insert Headdesk)
C) THAT DANA AND FOX HAVEN'T SHARED TEA YET THIS EPISODE. (insert 'Shipper Rage)
22) Scully drives out to the Mulder farm to talk with him about everything O'Malley's been handing to them. Mulder meets her and they do talk, but it quickly devolves into another argument over Mulder's obsessions getting the better of him (AGAIN). You know this means:
A) Scully needs to bring more Trout!
B) Neither of them are really listening to each other: Mulder's not taking the time to calm down to listen to Scully's reason, and Scully's unable to look at Mulder's belief structure as a virtue that needs better direction. There. I just provided sound couple counseling, that'll be $150 and we'll schedule the next session for a week from now, okay?
C) NOOOOOOOOOO THE RIFT NOOOOOOOOOOOO damn you NoRomos!
23) O'Malley shows up for Mulder to provide his latest theory, and Scully is forced to sit in. As Sveta joins the group to listen, Mulder expounds on what he thinks is the Truth: Since the end of the Second World War, aliens began visiting Earth out of concern regarding the development of atomic weapons, and that secret power brokers within our government began a program of capturing and exploiting alien tech for their own plans of global conquest. O'Malley adds in how the political elements - fomenting race riots, man-made climate change, terror attacks, foreign wars - would justify setting up a police state for an all-out takeover of America (and then the world). Even FEMA gets name-dropped (AGAIN).
Scully for her part listens to their conspiracy theory and then shoots it down as "fear-mongering claptrap" with little evidence to back it up, and that it borders on treason. O'Malley claims he'll say all that on his upcoming show. Mulder tells Scully "it's what people need to know." And Sveta adds "Even if it's the truth."
Scully then looks at her and notes that Sveta's tests for alien DNA came back negative. She is NOT the key Mulder thinks she is. With that bombshell dropped, Scully walks out of the room with Mulder left silent. Your response is:
A) "YES, that is Scully bringing everyone back to the real world!"
B) "Here's the thing: if these men in government and business were already so powerful as to control our media, our military, our police, our resources, and our very lives pretty much, WHY F-CKING STAGE A TAKEOVER for something THEY already control?!?!"
C) This is now the lowest point a 'Shipper could ever be at. Dana and Fox, nowhere near giving each other a comforting hug... the RIFT THE RIFT NOOOOOooooo...
24) Everything falls apart in quick succession. Sveta accuses to the national media that O'Malley paid her to tell stories about alien abductions. Military humvees slam into the airport warehouse where the scientists' UFO is stored, where the quickly plant explosives and have the craft and the scientists explode, destroying all trace. Also, secretive men in black show up and steal your DVD collection of Fringe while you were out pre-ordering the next Black Panther comic book series written by Ta-Nehisi Coates. By the time Scully finishes her work in surgery, she finds O'Malley's site is down and he's likely disappeared/removed from the picture, even as she gets her own test results back in. You take this all in and determine:
A) Damn, when Scully shoots down an outlandish theory, it gets shot down...!
B) The next group of scientists trying to replicate alien tech should NEVER let Mulder see what they're working on! You know, not until they land it on the White House lawn for all the world to see. He's just BAD LUCK, people!
C) This better lead to make-up hugs!
25) Scully finds Mulder moping about at the hospital parking garage. He's upset that all his work has gone for naught, again. Scully worries about Sveta. Mulder wonders why, since her tests came back negative. Scully admits she had the tests run again, only the second time synced to Scully's own tests... which she knows has been tampered with due to her own abduction experience. On the second try, Sveta did show evidence of alien DNA... as well as Scully herself. You reply:
A) "Dammit, Scully, you could have asked Mulder to keep his mouth shut for another 24 hours or something until the second results came back!"
B) "Isn't just like this show to first debunk the narrative only to reclaim it before the end credits roll? MAKE UP YOUR MIND, CARTER..."
C) "Oh noes! Quick, Fox, HUG HER!"
Bonus Question) It's a dark deserted highway. Sveta is speeding away in a fancy-looking new car, only to have the car stall in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly there's a bright light overhead, and Sveta cries in terror as a triangle-shaped UFO (FINALLY) shows up overhead. She struggles to open the door to get out, but just as she does, the car explodes... leaving little evidence other than a fiery hulk. You realize:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) NEVER DRIVE AWAY from an alien plot during a Mytharc episode at night on a deserted road! ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS drive in broad daylight on a truck-filled interstate with plenty of witnesses!
Bonus Bonus Question) It's a fireplace with the mantle reading the quote Carpe Diem. A man with noticeable burn scars on his hand and face is talking on a phone. The camera rolls around the other side of his face to reveal it's Cigarette Smoking Man (look kids, William B. Davis!), having survived his supposedly lethal illness and supposed incineration by helicopter attack. As he hangs up the phone to tell his colleague "They've re-opened the X-Files," his unseen companion places a cigarette in CSM's trachea hole (EEEEWWWWW) to let him smoke. As the Big Bad of the Mytharc smiles, we close the episode with this thought:
A) This is probably one of the best ways to scare kids off of smoking, like forever...
B) Considering the show Continuum just finished, it's a good thing this miniseries came back 'cause Davis needs the work...
C) The X-Files re-opened?! YES! More chances for Dana and Fox to flirt over dead bodies again!
If you more often than not answered:
A) You are a new recruit to the Order of the Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic, so welcome to the hazing ritual of getting a proper Trout Slap before your honorary Scullyrita!
B) You are a long-time fan of the X-Files glad that the show came back, but upset that Carter still doesn't understand a damn thing he's doing with the Mytharc!
C) You're a 'Shipper who misses the tea sharing, the hand holds, the long drawn out discussions about human spontaneous combustion, and those precious moments when Dana and Fox admit they only TRUST each other! And after this episode, we're still missing all of that! AAAUUUGGGH, the withdrawal symptoms. Damn NoRomos, taking over the writers' room like that...
What do you think, sirs? Damn, this took me three dedicated evenings to write this up, and I know I missed a few details...
It's back.
It's... still a confusing mytharc mess.
Sigh.
I'll try to get through this without as much damage to the original timeline as I can make it.
On the bright side: MULDER AND SCULLY ARE BACK IN TOWN
 |
| From the Movie Pilot site |
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: My Struggle
Um, to the Germans visiting my website, I know that title is going to be a bit problematic at best...
1) The episode begins with... AH HELL IT'S A REVIVAL EPISODE OF THE X-FILES WHO CARES! LET'S CELEBRATE!
A) You're gonna write a survey and dammit no more distractions! (trout slap)
B) We were promised cake.
C) DANA AND FOX ARE BACK! YAAAAAAAAY!
2) Okay, it really begins with Fox Mulder (Look kids! David Duchovny!) narrating about the past as he places folders and photos atop a desk: his troubled past of his sister's abduction by aliens, his rise within the ranks of the FBI pursuing bizarre cases hidden away in a covert department known as the X-Files, his teaming up with another agent Dana Scully (Look kids! Gillian Anderson!), their travails trying to uncover the TRUTH about the existence of extraterrestrials and the oncoming invasion, and their subsequent exile from the Bureau. As the pile of documents and pictures burst into flames, you take it all in and think:
A) Why does Mulder get to do the opening narration? Scully can narrate too, you know! Damn that Punk!
B) Is this the opening shot of about 500 different MTV videos from the mid-1980s?
C) NOOOOO! The picture of Dana and Fox shouldn't be burning! That's a bad omen before the wedding!
3) As Mulder continues to narrate about the plausibility about alien visitations, a UFO crashes in a remote desert. And then... THE THEME MUSIC and original credits roll! WOO-HOO! PARTY TIME, THE NINETIES ARE BACK BABY WE NEVER LEFT IT WOO-HOO!
A) We're not going to get through this survey with any semblance of sanity, are we?
B) Um, there may be a need for nostalgia here, but couldn't the network pay a little more to update the opening credits from 1993? (sees that they added Mitch Pileggi as Skinner) Well, okay, that's an improvement...
C) BREAK OUT THE TEA, KIDS! DANA AND FOX ARE GONNA HOLD HANDS AND FLIRT OVER AUTOPSIES AGAIN! (literally calling on the kids, it's been more than twenty years now, there has to be younguns in high school groaning about their parents' obsession with this 'Ship)
4) We're still in the desert, 1947, clear reference to Roswell. A bus with most of the windows painted black to hide location from the occupants drives down a desert road. A lone military officer, with the doctor's lapel badge, being escorted by a man in a black suit ride out to the crash site. As the doctor stares in amazement at the crash, you realize:
A) This doctor better have the common sense and divine wisdom of the Blessed Skeptic!
B) Hey! Weren't the UFOs in the original series all TRIANGLE-SHAPED?! What gives with the saucer look! We know damn well the REAL spaceships weren't disks, this is insulting, dammit Chris Carter you're making us toss all the books in the 001.92 shelf area at your head for your faux pas over here!
C) You're going into withdrawal symptoms too early. It's been years since your last 'Shipper fix and DAMMIT TONIGHT YOU NEED A HIT...
5) Flash-forward to 2016. A woman is prepping for surgery when an urgent call comes in. The camera doesn't reveal the face until we find out the call is coming in from an Assistant Director Skinner. Then Gillian Anderson turns to the camera and ZOMG IT'S SCULLY!
A) IT'S THE BLESSED ONE! KNEEL, YOU FOOLS!
B) Hey, wasn't she on Hannibal earlier this season?
C) Faint
6) Scene shifts to someone watching Barack Obama on the Jimmy Kimmel show, joking about UFOs.
A) Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on an Arrow/Flash crossover episode.
B) Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on Supergirl.
C) There's no way Barry can cameo on Agents Of SHIELD: they've already established that they're in a different universe where actor William Sadler became President. So this answer has to go "Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on Doctor Who."
Side note: I gotta wonder, was Barry ever posting on the alt.tv.x-files Usenet back in the day?! I mean, that was well back when he wasn't in elected office and all, and he's a full-on geek... he HAD to have been a fan back in the day, you think?! Everybody, check the archives for a B_OBOMA_XPhile account!
7) We discover that Mulder is watching the show, and when he gets the call he sees it's Scully and he gripes to her right off the bat about how his entire life's work has been turned into a punchline. You reply:
A) "Dammit, you Punk, it's always the Me Me Me whining out of you!"
B) "That's the problem with the 21st Century. Everyone's forgotten the phone etiquette of the 90s!"
C) "Dammit, Fox, instead of a phone conversation you could meet with Dana face-to-face. AND THEN KISS HER!"
8) Scully tells Mulder that Skinner is looking for him. Mulder: "Why doesn't he just call me?" Scully: "He doesn't have your phone number, dummy!" You:
A) "Well, that's what Scully should have said!"
B) "Skinner's with the freaking FBI! THEY'VE GOT EVERYBODY'S PHONE NUMBER!" (Survey writer is informed by his DIA contacts that it's actually the NSA, not the FBI or the CIA. WTF with this POS, IDK)
C) "Damn Slashers, it's not what you think!"
9) Scully tells Mulder that a high-profile conspiracy guy on the media, a Tad O'Malley, is seeking Mulder down with shocking news about aliens and what-what. Mulder skeptically watches O'Malley's video stream and wonders why Scully would be interested in getting dragged back into the mess. Scully just relays that she's the messenger. Mulder tells her to go ahead and have Skinner set up the meet. Then he says "But don't think I won't go it alone." To you that means:
A) The Punk is dragging the sainted one back into HIS mess anyway! What a Punk! Trout slap him now!
B) He's gonna Assemble the Avengers! ...what?
C) They're gonna get married, and THEN go to the meet as a couple! ...well, it COULD mean that!
10) Look, everybody! It's a CGI background of the Capitol Dome! That can only mean one thing!
A) They're filming in Vancouver again!
B) They're filming in Los Angeles again!
C) Dana and Fox are gonna see each other again!
11) Mulder and Scully meet, exchange words. They talk like an amicable ex-couple, with Scully worrying about Mulder not getting out of that sad farmhouse from the second movie and Mulder being flippant and distant. Scully: "I'm always happy to see you." Mulder: "And I'm always happy to find a reason." You:
A) "Okay, Scully, now break out that trout and slap him with it! He talked you into that horrible second movie and he can't hide from it anymore!"
B) "What second movie? There never was a second movie. You can't convince me there was a lame horror attempt at a film about two-headed Russian gangsters, never, not in a million years!"
C) "NOOOOO Why are they talking like they haven't seen each other in years? NOooooooo, The RIFT! Damn NoRomos..."
12) A limo pulls up, and Tad O'Malley (look kids! It's that guy from Community! No, not the cool geeky one with the meta-awareness skills!) greets the former FBI agents and requests that they share a ride and discuss matters. O'Malley goes all paranoid, believing that drones are deployed to record conversations and that the limo is safer. You consider it and suggest:
A) That they use the DC Metro instead, with it being underground and hard for shadows to keep up with you. Unless they're not filming in DC, in which case they can use the LA subway instead.
B) That they deploy white noise filters and find a spot in the nearby Mall with high tree cover. Unless they're not filming in DC, in which case they can use the Vancouver mountainside.
C) That Dana and Fox go and find a nearby Comfort Inn in DC and deploy the magic fingers bed! Sigh.
13) O'Malley's limo is well-stocked with expensive wine and bulletproof windows. He tries to sweet-talk the former agents but Mulder's having none of it, dismissing O'Malley's talk of believing in alien conspiracies only as a gimmick to get audiences rather than the truth. O'Malley questions Mulder about the X-Files but Mulder notes that's no longer a thing, "that book is closed." Scully notes it "for better or worse, we've moved on." Mulder wistfully adds, "Yes we have. For better or worse." You realize this means:
A) "OH NO, Scully lost her desk from Season Eight!"
B) "OH NO, The prop guys at the studio lost the filing cabinets!"
C) "OH NO THEY DIVORCED DANA AND FOX BROKE UP NOOOOOO" (cry) (curl up in fetal position)
14) Mulder tries to test O'Malley's knowledge of UFO lore by tossing out an obscure abduction incident. It's a pretty low-key one as well, which O'Malley answers much like reading the text straight from a book. Mulder at least seems impressed he's done the homework. For yourself:
A) You know there's a better test to use: the Trout Slap Endurance. If he can withstand fifty trout slaps, he's solid, he's cool...
B) You know an even better test: The Voight-Kampff test! So, you see this tortoise in the desert...
C) You know an even better test: The OKCupid tests! Including the one where Fox can find out if Dana is his one-in-five-billion. Sigh...
15) O'Malley takes Mulder and Scully to a remote house, where a young woman with a noticeable accent (but hard to place, Russian, Ukrainian, Klingon?) greets them and notes at the door that Mulder has seen her before, which he doesn't recall. Sveta proceeds to talk about her abduction experiences, including the harvesting of her babies, genetic manipulation to make her psychic which she tries to demonstrate by 'reading' Mulder with some success, and displays signs of physical mutilation in the form of carved-out chunks of her flesh. But unlike previous abduction stories, Sveta isn't blaming aliens: she's blaming the secret cabal of human military agents we know as the Syndicate as the real culprits all along. You try listening to half of this and realize:
A) Man, Chris Carter really painted himself into a corner years ago, didn't he?
B) They already covered most of this from the Season Four finale Gethsemane!
C) Noooooo, they brought up poor baby William, noooooooooooooo no wonder Dana and Fox drifted apart...
16) Sveta is willing to undergo a medical exam by Scully, during which Sveta tries to convince the skeptical agent that her experimentation has given her some telekinetic abilities as well as telepathic. When asked, Sveta admits "not right now" and gets rather defensive. "How would you know what it's like, to be abducted and experimented on by aliens?" Sveta whines. Scully just smiles and leans towards her. And stares. AND JUST STARES AT HER. And Sveta gets this Oh Crap look on her face when she realizes Scully does know what it's like. You know:
A) Sveta's a goner! KICK HER ASS, SWAT!SCULLY
B) Sveta's a con artist... Her "mind-reading" ability is mostly picking up visual cues and knowing the back-histories of her marks. Except she never got the homework on Scully, did she...
C) OH NO YOU DIDN'T, GIRL. Nobody questions Dana's maternal leanings!
17) While Scully is busy, O'Malley takes Mulder to a remote warehouse/airfield where scientists are working on their own alien tech. Utilizing such catch-phrases as "zero-point energy" and rare elements like Ununpentium (115), these scientists have reverse-engineered all nine seasons of the X-Files to reveal that the alien tech Mulder's been seeking all these years has been man-made all along. As they successfully make the triangular airplane-shaped craft hover above Mulder's head and make it turn invisibile, you point out:
A) "Wait! Ununpentium is highly radioactive, and NOBODY'S wearing hazmat suits near this thing?!"
B) "Wait! Isn't it a common plot point that every time Mulder gets to see something like this, the bad guys show up twenty minutes later and blow it all up? You scientists aren't that smart!"
C) "Wait! Fox needs to go give Dana a hug and talk about what happened to their son! Sniff..."
18) While another flashback to the crashed UFO shows the doctor then recovering the bullet-riddled corpse of an alien distracts our attention, O'Malley goes to butter up Scully while she works at the hospital while Sveta goes to Mulder to talk to him more about what she knows about the men behind her abductions. While Scully remains cryptic towards O'Malley's attempts to get her to trust him, Mulder buys into Sveta's story and starts ranting to Scully over the phone about Sveta being "the key" to everything. You recall:
A) That the Punk keeps thinking someone else is THE KEY to unraveling the Truth every other episode back in the day! /headdesk
B) That these back-and-forth phone conversations were a lot more fun when they used flip-phones!
C) The RIFT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
19) The scene shifts to an empty office. It's somewhere in the basement of the Hoover Building. Mulder enters to find a ladder, a bunch of pencils sticking in the ceiling where he put them for seven seasons (remember, Eight and Nine he was AWOL), and his I WANT TO BELIEVE poster left strewn on the floor. Skinner (look kids! Mitch Pileggi!) now older and with a grandfatherly beard tries to remind Mulder that the files were all stolen back when Doggett and Reyes were assigned to the department (and before they disappeared not only from the bureau but from the show's narrative). Mulder thought the files were still there, and gets upset that he'd been lied to and manipulated from the very beginning. He kicks at his own poster, tearing it. You take this all in and consider the most implausible part of this entire scene:
A) That the FBI allowed those pencils to stay up there for 14 years! I mean, c'mon! EVERY office worker will tell you, they need every pencil they can get! And there's a ladder right there! Sheesh...
B) That the janitors would leave their cleaning cart there where any agent can steal it! I mean, c'mon, same reason as leaving those pencils around.
C) That Dana's not there to complain about losing her nameplate! Okay, normally this would be an A) answer, but I needed to put the pencils gag up top where it would work better with B), and... and...
D) Mulder just giving his number to Skinner now. C'mon! I don't care about the NSA being the numbers-keepers, but as an Assistant Director to the FBI even Skinner should have a way to get information on ANYBODY... Also, it has nothing to do with you Damn Slashers! (Note: for those who don't get the joke, there's an occasional D) option whenever Skinner or another major character does something of interest)
20) O'Malley's back on his TV show ranting about gun rights, but tries to take a minute to talk about Scully's work helping kids as a likely ploy to get her to trust him more. Meanwhile, Scully is looking at medical results she'd gotten back on Sveta, and asks her co-worker to have them re-tested for something she noticed (or didn't) in the results. You know this means:
A) Scully has proof Sveta's a fake! TROUT SLAP HER
B) Scully has concerns her own blood that she's testing is showing the same signs as Sveta's! UH OH
C) Dana's gonna need a HUG
21) Mulder does his patented "Meet a Secret Source Out in the Open for Some Godforsaken Reason" moment, this time with a BRAND NEW SPECIAL GUEST INFORMANT we'll call Grumpy Old Man. Once again Mulder throws out his guesswork about the latest clues he's getting: everything pointing to the whole ALIENS plot as a smokescreen for Secret Government Takeover. Grumpy Old Man mocks the earlier mytharc stuff about warring factions setting each other on fire, and that Mulder still hasn't fit all the puzzles together for him to give him the full truth. Which is more infuriating to you?
A) That Scully never gets these cryptic informants! Why can't she meet with crazy old people in alleyways and rooftops and dark places in Vancouver?! (insert Troutslap aimed at Chris Carter)
B) That every time a so-called informant steps up to provide information, THEY REALLY DON'T. They just stand there and say "You're close" or "You can't comprehend it yet" or "If I reveal too much, people will stop watching this show." IT GOT OLD DURING THE ORIGINAL SERIES AND IT'S BORING NOW. (insert Headdesk)
C) THAT DANA AND FOX HAVEN'T SHARED TEA YET THIS EPISODE. (insert 'Shipper Rage)
22) Scully drives out to the Mulder farm to talk with him about everything O'Malley's been handing to them. Mulder meets her and they do talk, but it quickly devolves into another argument over Mulder's obsessions getting the better of him (AGAIN). You know this means:
A) Scully needs to bring more Trout!
B) Neither of them are really listening to each other: Mulder's not taking the time to calm down to listen to Scully's reason, and Scully's unable to look at Mulder's belief structure as a virtue that needs better direction. There. I just provided sound couple counseling, that'll be $150 and we'll schedule the next session for a week from now, okay?
C) NOOOOOOOOOO THE RIFT NOOOOOOOOOOOO damn you NoRomos!
23) O'Malley shows up for Mulder to provide his latest theory, and Scully is forced to sit in. As Sveta joins the group to listen, Mulder expounds on what he thinks is the Truth: Since the end of the Second World War, aliens began visiting Earth out of concern regarding the development of atomic weapons, and that secret power brokers within our government began a program of capturing and exploiting alien tech for their own plans of global conquest. O'Malley adds in how the political elements - fomenting race riots, man-made climate change, terror attacks, foreign wars - would justify setting up a police state for an all-out takeover of America (and then the world). Even FEMA gets name-dropped (AGAIN).
Scully for her part listens to their conspiracy theory and then shoots it down as "fear-mongering claptrap" with little evidence to back it up, and that it borders on treason. O'Malley claims he'll say all that on his upcoming show. Mulder tells Scully "it's what people need to know." And Sveta adds "Even if it's the truth."
Scully then looks at her and notes that Sveta's tests for alien DNA came back negative. She is NOT the key Mulder thinks she is. With that bombshell dropped, Scully walks out of the room with Mulder left silent. Your response is:
A) "YES, that is Scully bringing everyone back to the real world!"
B) "Here's the thing: if these men in government and business were already so powerful as to control our media, our military, our police, our resources, and our very lives pretty much, WHY F-CKING STAGE A TAKEOVER for something THEY already control?!?!"
C) This is now the lowest point a 'Shipper could ever be at. Dana and Fox, nowhere near giving each other a comforting hug... the RIFT THE RIFT NOOOOOooooo...
24) Everything falls apart in quick succession. Sveta accuses to the national media that O'Malley paid her to tell stories about alien abductions. Military humvees slam into the airport warehouse where the scientists' UFO is stored, where the quickly plant explosives and have the craft and the scientists explode, destroying all trace. Also, secretive men in black show up and steal your DVD collection of Fringe while you were out pre-ordering the next Black Panther comic book series written by Ta-Nehisi Coates. By the time Scully finishes her work in surgery, she finds O'Malley's site is down and he's likely disappeared/removed from the picture, even as she gets her own test results back in. You take this all in and determine:
A) Damn, when Scully shoots down an outlandish theory, it gets shot down...!
B) The next group of scientists trying to replicate alien tech should NEVER let Mulder see what they're working on! You know, not until they land it on the White House lawn for all the world to see. He's just BAD LUCK, people!
C) This better lead to make-up hugs!
25) Scully finds Mulder moping about at the hospital parking garage. He's upset that all his work has gone for naught, again. Scully worries about Sveta. Mulder wonders why, since her tests came back negative. Scully admits she had the tests run again, only the second time synced to Scully's own tests... which she knows has been tampered with due to her own abduction experience. On the second try, Sveta did show evidence of alien DNA... as well as Scully herself. You reply:
A) "Dammit, Scully, you could have asked Mulder to keep his mouth shut for another 24 hours or something until the second results came back!"
B) "Isn't just like this show to first debunk the narrative only to reclaim it before the end credits roll? MAKE UP YOUR MIND, CARTER..."
C) "Oh noes! Quick, Fox, HUG HER!"
Bonus Question) It's a dark deserted highway. Sveta is speeding away in a fancy-looking new car, only to have the car stall in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly there's a bright light overhead, and Sveta cries in terror as a triangle-shaped UFO (FINALLY) shows up overhead. She struggles to open the door to get out, but just as she does, the car explodes... leaving little evidence other than a fiery hulk. You realize:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) NEVER DRIVE AWAY from an alien plot during a Mytharc episode at night on a deserted road! ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS drive in broad daylight on a truck-filled interstate with plenty of witnesses!
Bonus Bonus Question) It's a fireplace with the mantle reading the quote Carpe Diem. A man with noticeable burn scars on his hand and face is talking on a phone. The camera rolls around the other side of his face to reveal it's Cigarette Smoking Man (look kids, William B. Davis!), having survived his supposedly lethal illness and supposed incineration by helicopter attack. As he hangs up the phone to tell his colleague "They've re-opened the X-Files," his unseen companion places a cigarette in CSM's trachea hole (EEEEWWWWW) to let him smoke. As the Big Bad of the Mytharc smiles, we close the episode with this thought:
A) This is probably one of the best ways to scare kids off of smoking, like forever...
B) Considering the show Continuum just finished, it's a good thing this miniseries came back 'cause Davis needs the work...
C) The X-Files re-opened?! YES! More chances for Dana and Fox to flirt over dead bodies again!
If you more often than not answered:
A) You are a new recruit to the Order of the Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic, so welcome to the hazing ritual of getting a proper Trout Slap before your honorary Scullyrita!
B) You are a long-time fan of the X-Files glad that the show came back, but upset that Carter still doesn't understand a damn thing he's doing with the Mytharc!
C) You're a 'Shipper who misses the tea sharing, the hand holds, the long drawn out discussions about human spontaneous combustion, and those precious moments when Dana and Fox admit they only TRUST each other! And after this episode, we're still missing all of that! AAAUUUGGGH, the withdrawal symptoms. Damn NoRomos, taking over the writers' room like that...
What do you think, sirs? Damn, this took me three dedicated evenings to write this up, and I know I missed a few details...
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Tuesday Morning X-Files Fanaticism
Well, damn, I had to work last night and didn't get home until 8:32 PM so I know I missed the first half of the episode.
On the bright side, next week's episode is written by DARIN MORGAN.
If you're not sure why that's a big deal, ask around. There were certain writers for the show that were better liked than others, and Darin tops the list (Vince Gilligan was the other. Yeah, HIM you heard of).
Shaenon knows why. Go check out her recap of Clyde Bruckman.
Alright kids, I'll get you a 'shipper survey of the season premiere by the end of the week.
Edit: AND NOW ABE VIGODA IS DEAD!
On the bright side, next week's episode is written by DARIN MORGAN.
If you're not sure why that's a big deal, ask around. There were certain writers for the show that were better liked than others, and Darin tops the list (Vince Gilligan was the other. Yeah, HIM you heard of).
Shaenon knows why. Go check out her recap of Clyde Bruckman.
Alright kids, I'll get you a 'shipper survey of the season premiere by the end of the week.
Edit: AND NOW ABE VIGODA IS DEAD!
Monday, January 25, 2016
Monday Morning X-Files Fanaticism
Just to note, while the series revival aired last night for its Season Ten, the show is actually airing on Monday nights (mostly) as part of the mid-season fill.
That means we're getting a new episode TONIGHT titled "Founder's Mutation", giving me little time to write up a 'Shipper Survey for "My Struggle" from last night.
In the meantime, the early ratings numbers are in and the numbers are YUUUUGE. Even in the face of mixed criticisms of the uneven season opener, a lot of people tuned in especially in the 18-49 demographic. A healthy mix one hopes of the Gen-X audience that came of age to the 1990s hit show and some of the Millennial generation that grew up in its wake.
If the numbers stay this way and the show ends on a high note (the series closer has to do a better job with the mytharc stuff than the opener), the odds are great for a Season Eleven to get put on order.
If that happens, I'm just saying Chris Carter you can put in a call to me and Sheryl Nantus and a couple of others and we can write some new episodes...
That means we're getting a new episode TONIGHT titled "Founder's Mutation", giving me little time to write up a 'Shipper Survey for "My Struggle" from last night.
In the meantime, the early ratings numbers are in and the numbers are YUUUUGE. Even in the face of mixed criticisms of the uneven season opener, a lot of people tuned in especially in the 18-49 demographic. A healthy mix one hopes of the Gen-X audience that came of age to the 1990s hit show and some of the Millennial generation that grew up in its wake.
If the numbers stay this way and the show ends on a high note (the series closer has to do a better job with the mytharc stuff than the opener), the odds are great for a Season Eleven to get put on order.
If that happens, I'm just saying Chris Carter you can put in a call to me and Sheryl Nantus and a couple of others and we can write some new episodes...
Sunday, January 24, 2016
So, First Episode of Season Ten Is In, What Say Ye
I'll have a 'Shipper Survey done in a few days, until then, a few brief observations about "My Struggle":
- It's been more than 14 years in the FBI basement, and NOBODY's taken out those pencils stuck in the ceiling?! Anyone who has ever worked in an office will tell you, supplies are scarce, those pencils would have been snagged ages ago! That and staplers. And post-it notes. And paperclips. And...
- Sveta and O'Malley are red herrings, Trojan horses, staged props. But staged for whose benefit: Mulder, or Scully?
- The way Sveta keeps talking about all this alien DNA inside her, and how she can do these things like psychokinesis and mind-reading. Like a nervous informant who keeps adding more details to a story as though the lies weren't elaborate enough. And then trying to bluff her way past Scully's skepticism by saying "how would you know what it's like to be abducted and experimented on?" And then Scully just smiles and stares at her... and Sveta realizes that HAS happened to Scully (and that she's trying to bluff the wrong person).
- Element 115? That's Ununpentium all right. It also has a half-life of mere milliseconds. How scientists can stabilize a theoretical and yet-to-be-synthesized element is yet to be explained. And there's nothing in the Wikipedia that explains how it ties into Zero Energy, magnetic propulsion, and four-wheel drive.
- Who took the X-Files 14 years ago? And left all those pencils behind?
- Who pays for Mulder's farm if he's been unemployed all these years?
- So all these years of alien conspiracies and warring factions have actually been a smokescreen for human experimentation, mutations, and poorly disguised spin-off series?
- Did Darin Morgan or Vince Gilligan write any of the upcoming episodes?
Stay tuned for the 'Shipper Survey
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)