Just survived a hurricane passing overhead this weekend. Thing is, I've already done Agua Mala as a hurricane-themed 'Shipper survey, so do I have anything else that's storm-themed can I toss at ya?
Oh, here we go:
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: Trevor
(this might not be Safe For Work, kiddes)
1) There's an ill wind blowing through a prison farm in Mississippi. Two men boarding up a window for the incoming twisters get into an argument, ending with one of them nailed (pun intended) to the spot. The culprit, Pinker Rawls, is brought before the prison warden who sentences the prisoner to the Box (and with the storm getting worse, to certain death). The aftermath leaves no trace of Pinker, but when the warden is found dead in his locked office, you know:
A) Pinker's an X-File, isn't he? Quick, call in Scully whose forensic skills will solve the case!
B) Pinker's an X-File, isn't he? Quick, call in Mulder whose intuitive skills will solve the case!
C) Pinker's an X-File, isn't he? Forget him! This means Dana and Fox will be holding hands!
2) We next see Agent Scully in her medical scrubs to examine the warden's body. When she sees the victim's abdomen is disgustingly melted away, you know from her reaction:
A) That she's going to enjoy describing this one in her next research paper to Penology Review
B) That this case won't remind her of pizza OR chicken
C) That Dana's going to need an extra-special back rub from Fox when she's done... <sigh>
3) Mulder notes how the crime scene was found locked and with no sign of blood. Scully starts rattling off possible modus operandi: that the murder occurred elsewhere (Mulder says no time); acid (Mulder says no acid was found); that David Copperfield did it (Mulder says the guy will be arrested for other crimes against humanity). Finally, Scully brings up spontaneous human combustion. This means:
A) Scully's been hanging around the Punk for too long! ARGH!
B) It's not really Scully! It's a hybrid! RUN!
C) The Believer/Skeptic dichotomy is over! They can make out now! YES!
4) Mulder's just as surprised as we are when Scully brings up spontaneous combustion. She tries to mention factual medical evidence to support that hypothesis, but he can't keep still. MULDER: "Dear Diary: Today my heart leapt when Agent Scully suggested spontaneous human combustion." SCULLY: "Mulder, shut up." YOU:
A) "Tell him off, sister! And trout-slap him for that s--t-eating grin of his!"
B) "Gee, when did Mulder start keeping a diary? Isn't he worried CancerMan would ever sneak a peek?..."
C) "OH GOD! HIS HEART LEAPT! YES! YES! YES! YES!" <gasp> <pant> <satisfying grin>
5) Mulder and Scully examine the crime scene. Scully tries to figure out how Mulder's suspect, Pinker, was able to get into a locked room and burn a guy in half right in the middle of a tornado. When Mulder taps his finger against a part of a wall that collapses instantly, you realize:
A) That they just don't build prison walls like they used to
B) That reprocessed egg-shell is just no substitute for Formica as building material
C) That Fox could pretend his finger hurts and get Dana to "nurse" him back to health... ;-)
6) Mulder and Scully examine Pinker Rawls' belongings. Mulder comes across a set of condoms. You:
A) Don't want to touch this topic
B) Note that condoms make for very poor water balloons... after all, you HOPE they don't break!
C) Grin wickedly and start writing a 400 page fanfic story on the more creative uses of <Writer gets an odd look from most everybody reading this> Well, I suppose not...
7) Meanwhile, in Vancouver, a woman tiding up an over-decorated house is eagerly trying to get her boyfriend to notice her magazine covers on brides. The guy, of course, is more interested in the TV, especially as it's showing cool footage of tornado damage and reporting the apparent death of Pinker Rawls. When June shatters her fancy china teacup, you realize:
A) That Martha Stewart apparently has more religious followers than Scully! Yikes!
B) That china from Wal-Mart does not constitute as "the good stuff"
C) That Dana shouldn't get any decorating tips from June when it comes time to move in to that dream house with Fox (post-wedding, naturally)!
8) Pinker Rawls is caught by a policeman whilst breaking into a discount store stealing clothes. The officer handcuffs Pinker and turns away to report in. When we next see Pinker he has slipped out of the cuffs and is busy driving off with the cop's car, so you deduce:
A) That Pinker Rawls' X-Files ability is to pass through the obstacles thrown up by the writers of this script. Just watch, the guy's going to escape from a room full of killer kitties any time now.
B) That the cop shouldn't have handcuffed Pinker right next to the WD-40 cans.
C) That Dana and Fox are going to flirt, uh, bicker over how Pinker keeps doing impossible things!
9) We next catch Pinker trashing a trailer home in search of something. The occupant, apparently an old friend of his, shows up and is surprised to see Pinker still alive. Pinker demands he "wants what's mine," scaring the other guy into pulling out his gun. Pinker is amused by the simplicity of this, letting his old friend pull the trigger. When the bullets don't do a damn thing to Pinker, you realize:
A) That Scully's going to have to melt down her silver cross to make a special bullet that COULD kill him! Oh, wait, silver only works on werewolves. Well, she should have done that LAST WEEK, it would have saved us the horror of a lame episode!... (note: it was the bad wolf episode, and no NO RELATION to Doctor Who's Bad Wolf)
B) That bullets NEVER work on this show! You're better off building a make-shift flamethrower!
C) That Dana and Fox don't need bullets! They've got condoms they can use! Uh, well, you know... <wicked grin>
10) Mulder and Scully arrive at the trailer, spotting the stolen police car. They go into SWAT!Mode, and go in with guns drawn and doors smashed. They spot the sitting form of Pinker's old friend. When the approach slowly to see what's what, you know:
A) That the Blessed One has the stomach to see what happened, but of course the Punk's going to get all freaked out about it
B) That having a face-to-face conversation with the dude is a moot point
C) That they can find more condoms in the bathroom... hey, c'mon, most everybody knows about safe sex nowadays!...
11) Mulder spots the remains of bullets in the far wall. He deduces what happened and tells Scully: Pinker Rawls has been altered at a molecular level, to where objects can pass through him and change matter to its basic components: wood into pulp, metal into shards, flesh into carbon. You expect Scully:
A) To trout-slap the Punk. Not because of his spooky theory, since it seems to fit the facts, but because he's got the car keys and won't let the Blessed Skeptic drive!
B) To roll her eyes, exclaim how impossible that is, and propose a new theory in which Pinker Rawls built himself a disintegrator gun...and brother, when it disintegrates, it disintegrates! <ZAP> Well, whadda ya know, it uh disintegrated... <many thanks to Chuck Jones>
C) To kiss Fox with a passion never seen before on television, and to propose some creative uses for those condoms! Well, you pretty much expect this all the time, really...
12) June gets a phone call from her nervous sister, who figures Pinker Rawls is loose and looking for revenge. Pinker does indeed arrive and June's sister runs for her bedroom, barricading herself inside. Next thing you know, Pinker strips off his clothes and passes through the door and the furniture, standing naked in the bedroom. You ponder to yourself:
A) So he has to take off his clothes for his powers to work? I don't think he'll be breaking into any banks this way any time soon!...
B) Pinker Rawls was the Naked Guy from UC of Berkeley? No wonder he was in jail!...
C) Why do we have to see this guy naked? It'd be so much nicer if it were Dana and Fox naked... in bed... sharing a bottle of red wine... <deep sigh>
13) Mulder and Scully show up, and again they kick down the door together with guns drawn and pumped for action. You:
A) Can't get enough of seeing SWAT!Scully! Damn, woman, kick down all the doors! Use them high heels! Yee-ha!
B) Wonder how much of a repair bill they're running up for the FBI... AD Kersh will NOT be pleased... oh, wait, they don't answer to him anymore...
C) LOVE seeing them in action together... IF ONLY they... well, you know... <hopeful grin>
14) Our heroes find Pinker has scrawled a message into the wall: "Give me what I want and I'll go away"... or something to that effect. They find out where his ex-girlfriend June is now hiding and go confront her about the money Pinker Rawls stole before his arrest. They upset June's current boyfriend, and end up taking June under protective custody. When Mulder taps the trunk of the car and watches it fall apart like a man electrically charged at a molecular level had passed through it, you realize:
A) That Scully's suitcase is no longer in the trunk. Damn you, Pinker! She had her peach lipstick in there!
B) That this scene would have been more effective if they hadn't shown the naked guy hiding in the trunk...AND with the trunk light on when it shouldn't be, just to make sure us clueless audience members knew what the writers wanted us to know! No duh!
C) That Dana and Fox would never break up if it was learned Dana had once dated a naked bank robber! Fox would not give up on his One-In-Five-Billion, after all! <sigh>
15) Mulder and Scully have the police take June into protective custody. Examining his last clue, Mulder spots an apparent weakness: Pinker can't pass through non-conductive materials like glass or rubber. Scully finds out what Pinker is really after: she finds medical documentation that June was pregnant. The audience gets to watch Pinker work his way into June's secured room via the ceiling: when that happens, you:
A) Conclude that Mulder's discovery is the more important clue as it proves there is a way to stop the MOTW <writer gets trout-slapped for his blasphemy against the Blessed Redhead>
B) Realize why Pinker's been leaving behind all of those condoms... <writer gets trout-slapped by his relatives for using such language>
C) AHA THE CONDOMS MAKE SENSE AFTER ALL! <writer gets slapped with the CAPS LOCK Key... now THIS hurts>
16) Too late, Mulder and Scully arrive at the hotel to survey the damage. They're trying to figure out what happened to June's pregnancy so they can figure out where to go. The records say was a boy born but there are no records of adoptions or anything other trace of the child. They realize June must have given her son to a relative, and when our heroes slowly raise their eyes to stare at each other, you consider their thoughts to be:
A) MULDER: "Gee, do you think they named the kid Marty?" SCULLY: "Who cares? Let's go kick some ass, you Punk!"
B) MULDER: "Do you realize this poor child has no chance to get a Darth Maul action figure?! I mean, those things flew off the shelves like you wouldn't believe!" SCULLY: "I know. The tyke probably got stuck with all those extra C3PO's..." (note: this was back when Episode I The Phantom Menace was due to come out. Yes, this IS old)
C) FOX: "I...LOVE you, DANA!" DANA: "I...LOVE you, FOX!" SKINNER (off-camera): "I...LOVE you, CarriK!"
17) Pinker forces June to take him back to her sister's house to meet his son Trevor. It's a tense moment as Pinker tries to talk calmly to the boy while the sisters shudder in fear. When the escaped convict nervously goes, "Uh... you're Trevor, right? Trevor Andrew. That's your name. My name is Pinker. But you can call me Pinky," you reply:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) "No, not Pinky you doof! <slap forehead in frustration> God, can you picture it now? 'What are we doing tomorrow night, Trevor?' 'The same thing we do every night, Pinky, try to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!' Augh..."
NOTE: For those of you wondering why June's sister had a lock on her pantry door, you might not have lived in the South. Down here, those weevils eating up your grits can get HUGE, hon!
18) June's sister does what she can to stop Pinky, uh, Pinker from taking the boy. She misses with the hot soup but nails him with the Pexiglass cookware. The boy runs, right in the direction of Mulder and Scully. Scully herds the child to safety while Mulder aims his rifle at Pinker. The convict, thinking bullets won't stop him, keeps moving. When Mulder fires and hits the guy with rubber bullets, and when Pinker gets this look on his face, you realize:
A) That rubber bullets are only meant to hurt the target, not wound or immobilize. Dammit, you Punk, you should have used a glass sword!
B) That Pinker is better off trying to lull Mulder into a trance by repeating the phrase "Cerulean is a gentle br..." <BLAM> Maybe not. Run, Pinky!
C) That both Dana and Fox are in their Protective!Mode showcasing how well they could be parenting with all those Emily clones... <deep sigh>
19) Pinker dodges the bullets by passing through a wall sans clothing. Now Scully has to deal with a Naked Guy chasing her and the boy. She leads Trevor by the hand racing to a nearby phone booth where the glass can protect them. As Pinker slams against the glass in frustration, screaming for his son, you:
A) Note the intuitive abilities of the Blessed One to protect children. And did you see that quiet no-look hand clasp between her and the boy? <reflective sigh> Dammit, CC, give Scully her ova back!!!
B) Wonder how big the psychiatrist's bill is going to be for Trevor when he's grown up all because his father walked around naked passing through walls and stuff
C) Hope Fox can hurry up and knock Pinker unconscious with a rubber mallet so he can pull Dana to safety and hug her like he did in the episode Irresistible...<deep sigh>
(additional note: crazy enough, even in 1999 those big glass phone booths were kinda rare. In this day and age of smartphones everywhere, this would be akin to Scully getting on a horse to chase down a Ford Mustang)
20) Pinker looks at his son, and realization sets in that he could never be accepted as a father. He turns away and stumbles into the street, where June drives up to slam him. Pinker passes through the front end of the car easily enough, but that windshield...ouch. Mulder runs up and passes judgment on the whole episode with these words of wisdom: "Gabba Gabba Hey." As the credits roll, you:
A) Wish Scully would be the one to make the big dramatic statement at the end...<picture it being similar to Peter Graves' speech at the end of "It! Conquered the World">
B) Nod in appreciation to the writers' deft handling of the MOTW. Most other writers would have had him crushed by a large wooden rabbit!
C) Still believe that Dana and Fox have a second chance in the movie sequel... damn bee! <mutter> <grumble>
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSE acolyte who just LOVED watching Scully kick in those doors and wave around her gun and get all protective and stuff. You just hope next week she gets to drive the car!...
B) Then you are an X-Phile who wondered why Pinker didn't just roll up a sleeve and pass his arm through the door and unlock it without having to strip down... It's like, dude, show some modesty!
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who wondered why Dana and Fox didn't strip down so they could pass through solid objects and stuff... well, they could have TRIED!!! And if it didn't work, they could have tried the condoms! <THOSE would have worked!> <sigh>
So, how bad is the damage so far?
Showing posts with label season six. Show all posts
Showing posts with label season six. Show all posts
Sunday, September 4, 2016
Saturday, August 13, 2016
X-Files: Tithounus 'Shipper Survey
So as I'm going back through the backlog of Senseless 'Shipper Surveys I did during the last half of the show's original run, I keep coming across a lot of references to stuff I did as fanfic stories (which I jumped into from Season Two onward).
Say hello to one of them.
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey - Tithonus
1) The episode begins with an elevator full of people, and the camera stays with a pretty blonde secretary as she does her mail drop for the night. She gets nervous as a mysteriously dour man discreetly follows her. She finally makes it back to the elevator, but the man arrives just before the doors close. He sees something the others can't: he stops and gets off the elevator. As the secretary sighs with relief, the elevator shakes and plummets. So, as a long-time viewer of the show, this reminds you:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Of X-Files Rule #19: If the X-File involves an elevator, TAKE THE STAIRS!
2) After the opening credits, the camera begins panning across the crowded work area of FBI headquarters where our intrepid heroes are making phone calls on "routine" background checks. You respond with:
A) A sarcastic "Hey! Scully, will you tell your Punkish partner to stop all that heavy breathing? It sounds like he's calling one of those 900 numbers again!"
B) A horrific "Oh GOD No! Mulder and Scully have turned into phone drones! It's hiding in the light! Dial and smile! Dial and smiiiiillllleeeeeeeeeee..." (oops, I need to do "Foix la Due" next)
C) A hopeful "Three more phone calls and Dana and Fox can win that free trip to Jamaica!"
3) Scully gets called to the carpet by Kersh. It seems this Agent Ritter from the New York City field office thinks a free-lance crime photographer named Fellig is taking one too many pictures right at the time people die, and he needs a forensic pathologist to aid his investigation. Scully offers that she and Mulder will be right on it, but when Kersh reveals that Scully is being partnered with Ritter as Mulder is "a lost cause," you:
A) Retort, "We know Mulder's a lost cause, but there's no way on God's Green Earth that pup Ritter can keep up with the Blessed Redhead!"
B) Whisper, "No, a Lost Cause would be hoping the Falcons win the Super Bowl. Mulder's just someone to have around in case the pencil sharpener needs to be fixed..."
C) Reply, "Dana, Ritter's just a boy. Go easy on him and don't break his heart when you tell him Fox is your one-in-five-billion..."
4) Mulder sneaks a peek at the case file before Scully shows up to warn him of Kersh's intentions of "saving" her career with the FBI by pairing her off with a new partner. Mulder tries to warn her of the X-File possibilities here: murder by telekinesis, maybe a shamanistic death-touch, something about the Muslim superstition that photography can steal their souls. Scully gives him the usual "All very helpful," before assuring Mulder that they're not splitting up, "This is a one-time thing." As Mulder frets that if she does good on this assignment, she "won't be back here," you:
A) Know that this is where they create the new X-Files spin-off, "Scully: NYPD Redhead" (Picture Gillian running around NYC shouting, "Freeze, you bleeping hybrid!")
B) Consider the possibility of Scully running into the cops from "Law & Order" and getting a chance to testify in court before an incredulous McCoy about the existence of alien hitmen working for the Russian Mob (Just watch GA go "fuggeddaboutit" in front of Lenny) (Note: thanks to the "Unusual Suspects" episode linking Det. John Munch to pretty much everybody in the Westphall Universe, this is a real thing)
C) Fret that they are... <sob> ...splitting up and...and... <weeping> ...they won't be partners <sniff> anymore and...and...they would no longer <tearful wail> be covered by the FBI policy on interoffice romances and...and... <gleeful grin> Oh. Never mind!... :-)
5) Agent Ritter meets Mulder. Ritter calls him "Fox." You:
A) Want Mulder to pull out a trout and scream, "Only Scully's mom can call me that, you bastid!" <whack>
B) Want Mulder to grin wickedly and retort, "You know, the last FBI agent to call me 'Fox' got eaten by killer mutant moths from Japan..." just so we can see that horrified look on the rookie agent's face... <tee-hee>
C) Worry that Peyton was looking at Fox the wrong way...damn Slashers! <mutter><curse><grumble>
6) Ritter and Scully go to New Yawk City, where they start checking up on Fellig's history as a photographer. Scully finds his registration forms with the cops, dating back to 1964...and check this, all of the pictures look the same. As the agents try to comprehend how that could be, you notice:
A) That at no time has Scully made any attempts to get directions to CBGB's...nuts! (Note: CBGB closed as of 2006 NOOOooooo)
B) That at no time has Ritter proved himself to be anything other than an overeager, klutzy rookie agent...ha!
C) That this would have been the perfect time and place for Dana and Fox to hold hands and talk about root beer instead of having Dana show up the rookie...dammit!
7) The streets of New York City (Please read Encyclopedia of Fantasy by John Clute and John Grant to get a true sense of the place) are alive at night, and on this night in this particular corner the streets are filled with the screams of a victim running from death. The killer comes, stabs the victim, all for the blinking red shoes. Above, a picture is taken. Fellig slowly moves, not even fleeing as he takes more pictures, and the killer returns to finish off this picture-taking witness and take the camera. But as Fellig stumbles to his feet, still alive, you reply:
A) "He is Immortal, he is Highlander! Scully, you'd better have brought that samurai sword your father got while stationed in Japan!"
B) "Ah! The bleeping dead bleeping lives! It's looking for brains! RUN!"
C) "Well, this is interesting. I wonder if the popcorn's done yet in the microwave. Maybe when I get back to my chair Dana and Fox will be flirting over the phone... <sigh>"
8) <Insert the "Da-Da" noise from Law And Order> Morning. Crime scene. Ritter is pumped, because the knife found at the scene had prints matching Fellig's. Scully points down and just to check on Eager-Boy's IQ, asks "What's this?" Ritter goes, "That's a lot of blood." You want Scully's response to be:
A) "No s--t, Sherlock. <trout-slap> You just failed the test, you wanna-be Punk!"
B) "Really? Blood? <dips finger in goo> <tastes it> Hm. Needs salt."
C) "You know, Peyton, you're a <as brutal as a girl can say it> nice guy and all <ladies, trust me, this hurts>, but I'm looking for a...partner that has at least one brain cell working..."
9) The police drag Fellig in for questioning. Ritter does his "check check" routine to the microphone before handing it off to a noticeably miffed Fellig. Ritter confronts the suspect on his whereabouts and actions last night but gets nowhere. Scully cuts to the chase, confronting the photographer about his fingerprints being on the weapon, and then makes the intuitive leap to checking Fellig if he was stabbed. As Fellig takes off his coat to reveal his scars, you:
A) Celebrate the interrogative abilities with a Scullyrita and a hearty "You go, girl!"
B) Question the quality of the tape recorder, wondering if they should do this with some digital equipment in a sound booth to make sure they get all the vocal nuances just right...
C) Wonder if Dana is trying to set up an opportunity to speak to Fellig alone so she could ask him to take pictures at her wedding with Fox...well, Fellig would only show if the maids of honor drop from eating poisoned truffles, so maybe she shouldn't...
10) Ritter is not too thrilled that Scully isn't taking the opportunities to arrest Fellig on any pretense. Meanwhile, some doofus named Fox Mulder calls Scully to remind her they use to work together. He keeps thinking her case in New Yawk is an X-File, but she disagrees. As Mulder offers to do a background check since he's getting so good at it, you realize:
A) That Scully would go get her car's air conditioner fixed and the Punk would still think it was an X-File ("C'mon, Scully, think about it...")
B) That Mulder would save ten cents a minute by dialing 10-13-1121 and the number! Oh, sorry, those damn commercials are getting to me...
C) That Fox is doing all he can to help Dana solve her case, even though it could mean... Oh, the things we do for love... <sigh>
11) We catch Scully as she takes her turn on the stakeout casing Fellig's apartment. Scully's eyesight is good enough for her to catch the photographer taking pictures of her. For you, this means:
A) This Fellig guy knows beauty when he sees it! Hey, Gillian, pose for a few more mag covers! <wicked grin>
B) Scully's about to die in some hideous fashion!!! No! Watch out for that 16-ton weight!!!
C) Dana's got this problem with attracting old, lonely, death-obsessed guys... if she hurries up and gets that engagement ring from Fox, maybe this wouldn't happen all the time...
12) Her cover blown, Scully confronts Fellig with the truth: that he is under investigation for his ability to be there when someone dies, and that unless he explains himself he will be hounded for the rest of his life. Fellig sighs, and offers Scully a chance to ride with him. You consider:
A) Whether or not she gets to drive
B) Whether or not she gets to play her Ramones tape on the radio
C) Whether or not she warns him she's practically engaged to Fox...damn bees!
13) Fellig shows Scully the streets of New Yawk at night. He explains what it is he's looking for: the shot. He stops the car near a prostitute and warns that she is about to die, maybe in a minute, maybe in an hour, but she will die. SCULLY: "That woman right there is going to be murdered?" FELLIG: "I didn't say that...The how is always a surprise. I just always know when." SCULLY: "You want me to believe that?" You realize:
A) That when she says that is also when she gets knocked unconscious right before the UFO shows up. Dammit, Scully, come up with another retort, okay?
B) That if they wait another minute an Atlanta Falcon player might show up and change history
C) That it's been five minutes since the last phone conversation between Moose and Squirrel and already you're getting antsy for some hand-holding! And you used to hold out a lot longer than this! This season has been wearing you down...
14) A thug shows up to hassle the hooker. Scully gets worried, gets out of the car, and gets medieval on the guy's ass. She takes down a bully twice her size, chains him up, and bitch-slaps him for good measure. You respond:
A) With a Xena!Cheer, the downing of your Scullyrita drink, and the purchasing of a "Scully Kicks Ass!" t-shirt from the OBSSE Gift Shop
B) With a "You know, ever since the NYPD's been cracking down on crime, the criminal element downtown just hasn't been the same..."
C) With polite applause and accepting nod of the head...okay, so we know who wears the pants in this relationship!...;-)
15) Scully checks with the prostitute to make sure she's okay, but the girl wants out of that scene. Which is when you shout:
A) "Watch out for that!... eeew..."
B) "Look out for that!... oops..."
C) Nothing. It's not nice when people get hit by speeding trucks... even those who only have one or two speaking lines per episode...:-(
16) Ritter isn't too thrilled about Scully breaking the surveillance. Scully informs him Fellig already knew about it, so she confronted him and learned the photographer has the ability to know when people are going to die. Ritter prefers to think Fellig is the murderer, and the thug who stabbed the photographer back in scene 7 is giving the rookie the excuse he needs to issue a warrant. Scully refuses to go along with this, and Ritter brings up Kersh's warning about Scully's "unconventional" behavior. Ritter threatens her not to muck up his case, and asks "Are we clear on that, Dana?" She glares at him as her phone rings. "Scully. And we're done with this conversation." You reply:
A) "Yes! The Rookie Punk has been officially trout-slapped! Pour me another one, BroColin, this calls for a toast to the Sainted Skeptic!"
B) "Guys! Check that thug's shoes! They ain't Bruno Maglis, but he's still the killer you're looking for!"
C) "Go away, little man. She's got some serious flirting to do with the one she truly lov...uh, trusts!"
17) Mulder calls about Scully's non-X-File case, which she now admits is an X-File. Mulder agrees, because this guy Fellig is proving to be an old pro at photography...about 150 years old to be more precise. Fellig is someone for whom the phrase "life in prison" carries serious weight. As Scully plans to keep an eye on the photographer, you realize:
A) That for Scully to admit something is an X-File... wow... that happens once in a blue moon, but you know of course blue moons have a scientific basis in fact...
B) That this Fellig guy must have gotten really tired of taking yearbook pictures for the local high schools again and again and again and again... and he'd have gone blind from all that glare from all those braces! Augh!
C) That this is a serious conversation... neither of them are doing the eyebrow-raising that indicates the humorous flirtation they normally do!
18) Scully goes to confront Fellig once more, revealing not only her knowledge of his past identities but also her ire at his lack of compassion in refusing to even try saving those about to die. Fellig calls them "lucky bastards," able to die when he can't. He's just there to take the picture, to try and get a shot of Death. You:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Tell him Death is easy to spot: she's a petite pale woman with shoulder-length brunette hair with a big golden ankh hanging from her neck down to her belly-button. Oh, and hi! Neil and hi! Tori!... ;-)
19) When Fellig explains to her all the times he's tried to kill himself, you consider:
A) If Scully can come up with a persuasive enough argument to use his powers for good instead of evil...
B) If life in New Yawk is that bad, why not move to Joisey?
C) If all this guy needs is a good, uh, hand-hold. But not with Dana, she's spoken for, dammit!
20) Scully spots a name on a picture and discreetly tries to call Mulder to check that name for her. When she gets back to Fellig he bumps into her, nicely picking her pocket for her cell phone. As he turns it off and hides it, you:
A) Worry that Scully's going to have to waste more money getting that phone replaced too... just like the ones she lost in Antarctica and Alaska and Maine and Indiana and Vancouver, well maybe not Vancouver...
B) Wonder if she'd be better off keeping her personal belongings in a portable interdimensional pocket... or whatever it was we used in Dungeons and Dragons to carry heavy things and... yes, I played D & D. Okay???
C) Wobble back and forth in your chair because no phone means no contact between Dana and Fox. No contact means no 'shippy moments. No 'shippy moments... brain freeze! Aiieeee...
21) Mulder calls Ritter, trying to find Scully. Mulder quickly realizes Scully is in trouble because her phone's not working. The name she gave him turns out to be a wanted murderer from the 1920s. When Ritter tries to comprehend how wacky that sounds, Mulder just tells him to get to Scully before it's too late. You notice:
A) That the rookie doesn't do a very good job of shooting down the Punk's spooky theories... tsk tsk
B) That considering traffic in the Big Apple, Ritter would get there a lot quicker if he went on foot
C) That all that matters to Fox is getting in touch with Dana! <sigh>
22) Scully, meanwhile, is trying to figure out the concept of immortality, that noone could have too much of living. Fellig, who has lived a long life, focuses instead on the despair of living too long: see too many people die, seeing the futility of it all, losing not only his wife but even her name. As Fellig begins to view Scully in a whole new way (the black-and-white image of approaching Death), you consider:
A) How Scully will handle HER Immortality: after all, Clyde Bruckman says she will never die! Fellig's just got fuzzy vision, that's all!
B) How Scully could die! Hmm, meteorite slamming into New Yawk... Sloppy arrow shooting by Ted Nugent from across the hall? Oh, no, NOT THE BEES!...
C) How Fox would react to Dana's death! No! Such a sad thing to think of! <sob><wail><gnashing of teeth>
23) Fellig warns Scully that Death is coming. The scene slows down. Each breath takes a minute. The curtain to the darkroom pulls back, and Scully sees Death in the form of:
A) Marita! Damn blonde!
B) Dr. Bambi! Damn entomologist!
C) The mascot for Georgia Tech! Damn bee!
24) Both Fellig and Scully are shot. Fellig suddenly tells Scully not to look at Death, and he looks up instead to see... Later in the hospital, Mulder waits for Ritter to finish his apologies to Scully. When Ritter leaves the room, he bumps into Mulder who whispers "You're a lucky man." What he means is:
A) "If Scully died, I'd have fed you to my fish" (Autumn's suggestion)
B) "If Scully died, I'd have forced you to eat Frohike's omelets"
C) "If Dana died... I would have lost the only person who kept me sane... and you would have experienced the most painful, slowest, hideous death in human history!"
25) Mulder tries to comfort Scully with the news that she's healing pretty quickly. He also reports that Fellig is dead of a simple gunshot wound. Scully doesn't think Fellig could have lived forever. Mulder thinks he could have, because Death "only looks for you when you seek its opposite." You:
A) Take a moment to try and figure out what the Punk just said.
B) Take another moment, because it still sounds a bit spooky.
C) Realize that he means Death only comes for you when you've really lived... that Fellig, having no enjoyment in living, would have never found Death until he had a reason to live... which means... Fellig had a crush on Dana! Oh. <insert background music from a certain Queen song> Who wants to live forever? / Ooooh, when love must die...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who has always known Scully is Immortal...and now we'll get to see her carry around that samurai sword her father got when the family was stationed in Japan! Woo-hoo! <start singing that other theme song by Queen>
B) Then you are an X-Philer who hasn't read this writer's story "Scully Is...A Highlander," my finest in free verse! Now go, read it now!
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who knew that Dana will never die...not until she and Fox DO IT, get married, raise some hybrid clones, and gracefully die of old age having lived a full life. <sigh>
So... any other news, kids?
Say hello to one of them.
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey - Tithonus
1) The episode begins with an elevator full of people, and the camera stays with a pretty blonde secretary as she does her mail drop for the night. She gets nervous as a mysteriously dour man discreetly follows her. She finally makes it back to the elevator, but the man arrives just before the doors close. He sees something the others can't: he stops and gets off the elevator. As the secretary sighs with relief, the elevator shakes and plummets. So, as a long-time viewer of the show, this reminds you:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Of X-Files Rule #19: If the X-File involves an elevator, TAKE THE STAIRS!
2) After the opening credits, the camera begins panning across the crowded work area of FBI headquarters where our intrepid heroes are making phone calls on "routine" background checks. You respond with:
A) A sarcastic "Hey! Scully, will you tell your Punkish partner to stop all that heavy breathing? It sounds like he's calling one of those 900 numbers again!"
B) A horrific "Oh GOD No! Mulder and Scully have turned into phone drones! It's hiding in the light! Dial and smile! Dial and smiiiiillllleeeeeeeeeee..." (oops, I need to do "Foix la Due" next)
C) A hopeful "Three more phone calls and Dana and Fox can win that free trip to Jamaica!"
3) Scully gets called to the carpet by Kersh. It seems this Agent Ritter from the New York City field office thinks a free-lance crime photographer named Fellig is taking one too many pictures right at the time people die, and he needs a forensic pathologist to aid his investigation. Scully offers that she and Mulder will be right on it, but when Kersh reveals that Scully is being partnered with Ritter as Mulder is "a lost cause," you:
A) Retort, "We know Mulder's a lost cause, but there's no way on God's Green Earth that pup Ritter can keep up with the Blessed Redhead!"
B) Whisper, "No, a Lost Cause would be hoping the Falcons win the Super Bowl. Mulder's just someone to have around in case the pencil sharpener needs to be fixed..."
C) Reply, "Dana, Ritter's just a boy. Go easy on him and don't break his heart when you tell him Fox is your one-in-five-billion..."
4) Mulder sneaks a peek at the case file before Scully shows up to warn him of Kersh's intentions of "saving" her career with the FBI by pairing her off with a new partner. Mulder tries to warn her of the X-File possibilities here: murder by telekinesis, maybe a shamanistic death-touch, something about the Muslim superstition that photography can steal their souls. Scully gives him the usual "All very helpful," before assuring Mulder that they're not splitting up, "This is a one-time thing." As Mulder frets that if she does good on this assignment, she "won't be back here," you:
A) Know that this is where they create the new X-Files spin-off, "Scully: NYPD Redhead" (Picture Gillian running around NYC shouting, "Freeze, you bleeping hybrid!")
B) Consider the possibility of Scully running into the cops from "Law & Order" and getting a chance to testify in court before an incredulous McCoy about the existence of alien hitmen working for the Russian Mob (Just watch GA go "fuggeddaboutit" in front of Lenny) (Note: thanks to the "Unusual Suspects" episode linking Det. John Munch to pretty much everybody in the Westphall Universe, this is a real thing)
C) Fret that they are... <sob> ...splitting up and...and... <weeping> ...they won't be partners <sniff> anymore and...and...they would no longer <tearful wail> be covered by the FBI policy on interoffice romances and...and... <gleeful grin> Oh. Never mind!... :-)
5) Agent Ritter meets Mulder. Ritter calls him "Fox." You:
A) Want Mulder to pull out a trout and scream, "Only Scully's mom can call me that, you bastid!" <whack>
B) Want Mulder to grin wickedly and retort, "You know, the last FBI agent to call me 'Fox' got eaten by killer mutant moths from Japan..." just so we can see that horrified look on the rookie agent's face... <tee-hee>
C) Worry that Peyton was looking at Fox the wrong way...damn Slashers! <mutter><curse><grumble>
6) Ritter and Scully go to New Yawk City, where they start checking up on Fellig's history as a photographer. Scully finds his registration forms with the cops, dating back to 1964...and check this, all of the pictures look the same. As the agents try to comprehend how that could be, you notice:
A) That at no time has Scully made any attempts to get directions to CBGB's...nuts! (Note: CBGB closed as of 2006 NOOOooooo)
B) That at no time has Ritter proved himself to be anything other than an overeager, klutzy rookie agent...ha!
C) That this would have been the perfect time and place for Dana and Fox to hold hands and talk about root beer instead of having Dana show up the rookie...dammit!
7) The streets of New York City (Please read Encyclopedia of Fantasy by John Clute and John Grant to get a true sense of the place) are alive at night, and on this night in this particular corner the streets are filled with the screams of a victim running from death. The killer comes, stabs the victim, all for the blinking red shoes. Above, a picture is taken. Fellig slowly moves, not even fleeing as he takes more pictures, and the killer returns to finish off this picture-taking witness and take the camera. But as Fellig stumbles to his feet, still alive, you reply:
A) "He is Immortal, he is Highlander! Scully, you'd better have brought that samurai sword your father got while stationed in Japan!"
B) "Ah! The bleeping dead bleeping lives! It's looking for brains! RUN!"
C) "Well, this is interesting. I wonder if the popcorn's done yet in the microwave. Maybe when I get back to my chair Dana and Fox will be flirting over the phone... <sigh>"
8) <Insert the "Da-Da" noise from Law And Order> Morning. Crime scene. Ritter is pumped, because the knife found at the scene had prints matching Fellig's. Scully points down and just to check on Eager-Boy's IQ, asks "What's this?" Ritter goes, "That's a lot of blood." You want Scully's response to be:
A) "No s--t, Sherlock. <trout-slap> You just failed the test, you wanna-be Punk!"
B) "Really? Blood? <dips finger in goo> <tastes it> Hm. Needs salt."
C) "You know, Peyton, you're a <as brutal as a girl can say it> nice guy and all <ladies, trust me, this hurts>, but I'm looking for a...partner that has at least one brain cell working..."
9) The police drag Fellig in for questioning. Ritter does his "check check" routine to the microphone before handing it off to a noticeably miffed Fellig. Ritter confronts the suspect on his whereabouts and actions last night but gets nowhere. Scully cuts to the chase, confronting the photographer about his fingerprints being on the weapon, and then makes the intuitive leap to checking Fellig if he was stabbed. As Fellig takes off his coat to reveal his scars, you:
A) Celebrate the interrogative abilities with a Scullyrita and a hearty "You go, girl!"
B) Question the quality of the tape recorder, wondering if they should do this with some digital equipment in a sound booth to make sure they get all the vocal nuances just right...
C) Wonder if Dana is trying to set up an opportunity to speak to Fellig alone so she could ask him to take pictures at her wedding with Fox...well, Fellig would only show if the maids of honor drop from eating poisoned truffles, so maybe she shouldn't...
10) Ritter is not too thrilled that Scully isn't taking the opportunities to arrest Fellig on any pretense. Meanwhile, some doofus named Fox Mulder calls Scully to remind her they use to work together. He keeps thinking her case in New Yawk is an X-File, but she disagrees. As Mulder offers to do a background check since he's getting so good at it, you realize:
A) That Scully would go get her car's air conditioner fixed and the Punk would still think it was an X-File ("C'mon, Scully, think about it...")
B) That Mulder would save ten cents a minute by dialing 10-13-1121 and the number! Oh, sorry, those damn commercials are getting to me...
C) That Fox is doing all he can to help Dana solve her case, even though it could mean... Oh, the things we do for love... <sigh>
11) We catch Scully as she takes her turn on the stakeout casing Fellig's apartment. Scully's eyesight is good enough for her to catch the photographer taking pictures of her. For you, this means:
A) This Fellig guy knows beauty when he sees it! Hey, Gillian, pose for a few more mag covers! <wicked grin>
B) Scully's about to die in some hideous fashion!!! No! Watch out for that 16-ton weight!!!
C) Dana's got this problem with attracting old, lonely, death-obsessed guys... if she hurries up and gets that engagement ring from Fox, maybe this wouldn't happen all the time...
12) Her cover blown, Scully confronts Fellig with the truth: that he is under investigation for his ability to be there when someone dies, and that unless he explains himself he will be hounded for the rest of his life. Fellig sighs, and offers Scully a chance to ride with him. You consider:
A) Whether or not she gets to drive
B) Whether or not she gets to play her Ramones tape on the radio
C) Whether or not she warns him she's practically engaged to Fox...damn bees!
13) Fellig shows Scully the streets of New Yawk at night. He explains what it is he's looking for: the shot. He stops the car near a prostitute and warns that she is about to die, maybe in a minute, maybe in an hour, but she will die. SCULLY: "That woman right there is going to be murdered?" FELLIG: "I didn't say that...The how is always a surprise. I just always know when." SCULLY: "You want me to believe that?" You realize:
A) That when she says that is also when she gets knocked unconscious right before the UFO shows up. Dammit, Scully, come up with another retort, okay?
B) That if they wait another minute an Atlanta Falcon player might show up and change history
C) That it's been five minutes since the last phone conversation between Moose and Squirrel and already you're getting antsy for some hand-holding! And you used to hold out a lot longer than this! This season has been wearing you down...
14) A thug shows up to hassle the hooker. Scully gets worried, gets out of the car, and gets medieval on the guy's ass. She takes down a bully twice her size, chains him up, and bitch-slaps him for good measure. You respond:
A) With a Xena!Cheer, the downing of your Scullyrita drink, and the purchasing of a "Scully Kicks Ass!" t-shirt from the OBSSE Gift Shop
B) With a "You know, ever since the NYPD's been cracking down on crime, the criminal element downtown just hasn't been the same..."
C) With polite applause and accepting nod of the head...okay, so we know who wears the pants in this relationship!...;-)
15) Scully checks with the prostitute to make sure she's okay, but the girl wants out of that scene. Which is when you shout:
A) "Watch out for that!... eeew..."
B) "Look out for that!... oops..."
C) Nothing. It's not nice when people get hit by speeding trucks... even those who only have one or two speaking lines per episode...:-(
16) Ritter isn't too thrilled about Scully breaking the surveillance. Scully informs him Fellig already knew about it, so she confronted him and learned the photographer has the ability to know when people are going to die. Ritter prefers to think Fellig is the murderer, and the thug who stabbed the photographer back in scene 7 is giving the rookie the excuse he needs to issue a warrant. Scully refuses to go along with this, and Ritter brings up Kersh's warning about Scully's "unconventional" behavior. Ritter threatens her not to muck up his case, and asks "Are we clear on that, Dana?" She glares at him as her phone rings. "Scully. And we're done with this conversation." You reply:
A) "Yes! The Rookie Punk has been officially trout-slapped! Pour me another one, BroColin, this calls for a toast to the Sainted Skeptic!"
B) "Guys! Check that thug's shoes! They ain't Bruno Maglis, but he's still the killer you're looking for!"
C) "Go away, little man. She's got some serious flirting to do with the one she truly lov...uh, trusts!"
17) Mulder calls about Scully's non-X-File case, which she now admits is an X-File. Mulder agrees, because this guy Fellig is proving to be an old pro at photography...about 150 years old to be more precise. Fellig is someone for whom the phrase "life in prison" carries serious weight. As Scully plans to keep an eye on the photographer, you realize:
A) That for Scully to admit something is an X-File... wow... that happens once in a blue moon, but you know of course blue moons have a scientific basis in fact...
B) That this Fellig guy must have gotten really tired of taking yearbook pictures for the local high schools again and again and again and again... and he'd have gone blind from all that glare from all those braces! Augh!
C) That this is a serious conversation... neither of them are doing the eyebrow-raising that indicates the humorous flirtation they normally do!
18) Scully goes to confront Fellig once more, revealing not only her knowledge of his past identities but also her ire at his lack of compassion in refusing to even try saving those about to die. Fellig calls them "lucky bastards," able to die when he can't. He's just there to take the picture, to try and get a shot of Death. You:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Tell him Death is easy to spot: she's a petite pale woman with shoulder-length brunette hair with a big golden ankh hanging from her neck down to her belly-button. Oh, and hi! Neil and hi! Tori!... ;-)
19) When Fellig explains to her all the times he's tried to kill himself, you consider:
A) If Scully can come up with a persuasive enough argument to use his powers for good instead of evil...
B) If life in New Yawk is that bad, why not move to Joisey?
C) If all this guy needs is a good, uh, hand-hold. But not with Dana, she's spoken for, dammit!
20) Scully spots a name on a picture and discreetly tries to call Mulder to check that name for her. When she gets back to Fellig he bumps into her, nicely picking her pocket for her cell phone. As he turns it off and hides it, you:
A) Worry that Scully's going to have to waste more money getting that phone replaced too... just like the ones she lost in Antarctica and Alaska and Maine and Indiana and Vancouver, well maybe not Vancouver...
B) Wonder if she'd be better off keeping her personal belongings in a portable interdimensional pocket... or whatever it was we used in Dungeons and Dragons to carry heavy things and... yes, I played D & D. Okay???
C) Wobble back and forth in your chair because no phone means no contact between Dana and Fox. No contact means no 'shippy moments. No 'shippy moments... brain freeze! Aiieeee...
21) Mulder calls Ritter, trying to find Scully. Mulder quickly realizes Scully is in trouble because her phone's not working. The name she gave him turns out to be a wanted murderer from the 1920s. When Ritter tries to comprehend how wacky that sounds, Mulder just tells him to get to Scully before it's too late. You notice:
A) That the rookie doesn't do a very good job of shooting down the Punk's spooky theories... tsk tsk
B) That considering traffic in the Big Apple, Ritter would get there a lot quicker if he went on foot
C) That all that matters to Fox is getting in touch with Dana! <sigh>
22) Scully, meanwhile, is trying to figure out the concept of immortality, that noone could have too much of living. Fellig, who has lived a long life, focuses instead on the despair of living too long: see too many people die, seeing the futility of it all, losing not only his wife but even her name. As Fellig begins to view Scully in a whole new way (the black-and-white image of approaching Death), you consider:
A) How Scully will handle HER Immortality: after all, Clyde Bruckman says she will never die! Fellig's just got fuzzy vision, that's all!
B) How Scully could die! Hmm, meteorite slamming into New Yawk... Sloppy arrow shooting by Ted Nugent from across the hall? Oh, no, NOT THE BEES!...
C) How Fox would react to Dana's death! No! Such a sad thing to think of! <sob><wail><gnashing of teeth>
23) Fellig warns Scully that Death is coming. The scene slows down. Each breath takes a minute. The curtain to the darkroom pulls back, and Scully sees Death in the form of:
A) Marita! Damn blonde!
B) Dr. Bambi! Damn entomologist!
C) The mascot for Georgia Tech! Damn bee!
24) Both Fellig and Scully are shot. Fellig suddenly tells Scully not to look at Death, and he looks up instead to see... Later in the hospital, Mulder waits for Ritter to finish his apologies to Scully. When Ritter leaves the room, he bumps into Mulder who whispers "You're a lucky man." What he means is:
A) "If Scully died, I'd have fed you to my fish" (Autumn's suggestion)
B) "If Scully died, I'd have forced you to eat Frohike's omelets"
C) "If Dana died... I would have lost the only person who kept me sane... and you would have experienced the most painful, slowest, hideous death in human history!"
25) Mulder tries to comfort Scully with the news that she's healing pretty quickly. He also reports that Fellig is dead of a simple gunshot wound. Scully doesn't think Fellig could have lived forever. Mulder thinks he could have, because Death "only looks for you when you seek its opposite." You:
A) Take a moment to try and figure out what the Punk just said.
B) Take another moment, because it still sounds a bit spooky.
C) Realize that he means Death only comes for you when you've really lived... that Fellig, having no enjoyment in living, would have never found Death until he had a reason to live... which means... Fellig had a crush on Dana! Oh. <insert background music from a certain Queen song> Who wants to live forever? / Ooooh, when love must die...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who has always known Scully is Immortal...and now we'll get to see her carry around that samurai sword her father got when the family was stationed in Japan! Woo-hoo! <start singing that other theme song by Queen>
B) Then you are an X-Philer who hasn't read this writer's story "Scully Is...A Highlander," my finest in free verse! Now go, read it now!
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who knew that Dana will never die...not until she and Fox DO IT, get married, raise some hybrid clones, and gracefully die of old age having lived a full life. <sigh>
So... any other news, kids?
Sunday, August 7, 2016
X-Files: Drive 'Shipper Survey
One of the things about the X-Files being a show of the 1990s is how time marches on. This blog started in 2015, more than 20 years after, and so there's a lot of hindsight involved in getting the original 'Shipper surveys reposted. For starters, looking back and recognizing big-name actors before they ever started winning Emmys and Oscars.
This is one of those classic episodes. This is, in fact, the episode Vince Gilligan remembered when it came time to cast someone for the iconic role of Walter White for his own television epic Breaking Bad. As I need to edit this Survey to update for modern times, I may well insert a few Bryan Cranston memes into the half-baked jokes here. Now, to wit:
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey - Drive
1) The episode begins (for the writer at least) with a commercial promoting an upcoming installment of the Donny and Marie Show. Then the scene cuts to a LIVE on-air transmission from FOX Channel 11 out in Nevada, where a high-speed chase is keeping the highway patrol on their toes. They stop the car, but when the try to arrest the driver (Bryan Cranston!) and rescue the woman passenger, the poor woman keeps banging her head against the glass until her head, well, explodes. When the opening credits take over, your primary thought is this:
A) High-speed chases with exploding people, you can deal with. But the Donny and Marie Show?!?!? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo <dies>
B) What's Walter White doing driving outside of New Mexico like this? Anyway, HE is the one who HONKS!
C) This is in Nevada? Hey, doesn't that state have a lenient marriage license policy? After all, you can get an Elvis Impersonator to preside over your wedding, right?...;-)
2) After an Intel commercial where Homer Simpson gets implanted with a chip in the back of his head, the show continues with Mulder and Scully out in Idaho, doing routine work on checking a farmer's recent purchase of fertilizer (as Mulder puts it, "So routine it numbs the mind."). As they look for the paperwork, Mulder spots the news report showing the bizarre death in Nevada. While the agents watch the replay, you realize:
A) That if Homer takes that Intel chip out of his head, he'll get cancer! D'oh!
B) That it was either checking fertilizer bags in Idaho or checking for meth labs in Albuquerque!
C) There's a good chance, because the FBI will be reining in their "dubious" travel expenses, that Dana and Fox will have to share one hotel room on this trip! Yes!
3) Scully finds Mulder near the car just as he's finishing up a phone call. She already knows that Mulder wants to detour to Nevada to investigate that death, but points out that they're being watched closely on this one and any deviation from their routine will get them in trouble. He argues that this routine of hunting down big piles of doo-doo is going nowhere, and besides, they can go to Nevada, be in and out in a day, and "nobody has to know." When he says that, you know:
A) Scully should have learned after five seasons of this sh-t that "nobody has to know" means the bosses will be chewing them out for property damage and body counts again!
B) That every Fox Channel west of the Mississippi is going to catch them on tape and play it over and over again for a new hit show, "When FBI Agents Attack!"
C) That Fox's real excuse is to get Dana close enough to Las Vegas so they can get a quicky wedding presided by an Elvis Impersonator, oh yeah!...<sigh>
4) Our intrepid heroes make it to Nevada, where the driver Crump is under lock and key for carjacking. Scully volunteers to go check the autopsy on Crump's wife, while Mulder agrees to stay and talk with poor guy, whom the audience noticed earlier is starting to nosebleed and scream in terror. When this happens, you:
A) Notice that it's Scully initiating the ditch this time, beating the Punk to the punch
B) Know they won't see each other for another 38 minutes and 40 seconds
C) Realize they're both politely ditching one another, courtesy of 'Shipperdom's favorite writer Vince Gilligan (so don't forget his new movie - for 1998 - Home Fries starring Drew Barrymore and Luke Wilson, the Sheriff Bucktooth from "Bad Blood"!)
5) Scully goes to follow up on the autopsy with the local pathologist, who notes how the poor woman died: one side of the head blown away as an exit wound, but no sign of an entry wound, like something was already inside her. Scully notices something unusual in what's left of Mrs. Crump's inner ear. As she starts poking at it, you scream:
A) "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
B) "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
C) "Uououououououououo!" <there are some type of screams that involve the letter 'I', but we'll save that for later>
6) While Scully learns too late not to pick at things like that, Mulder follows after Crump, now suffering from a seizure of some sort and getting placed in an ambulance. Scully goes into In-Charge! Mode setting up a quarantine in the morgue, getting word that another body had been found and assuming whatever killed Mrs. Crump is communicable. She calls Mulder, warning him of the quarantine and warning him to isolate Crump ASAP. She specifically warns Mulder not to see the guy. As she says that, you realize:
A) That the Blessed Skeptic should have learned by now that Mulder is always in it up to his ears by the time she tries to warn him...
B) That every warning about Bryan Cranston characters never get heeded UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE...
C) That it was sweet of Dana to call and warn Fox, but next time, hon, try it before he's taken hostage, okay?
7) Guys, you gotta be quick with the pause button: Scully flashes her phone number on the screen. You're pretty sure it's:
A) (202) SNT-DANA
B) (900) FBI-SEXY
C) (202) MAR-RYME ext. FOX
8) Well, actually, her number's (202) 555-0166, but meanwhile she's learned Mulder has been taken hostage and forced to drive Crump westward. She plans with the local law enforcement to set up a roadblock with people from CDC to quarantine the two, but Crump calls in demanding the chasing police cars pull back. The cars do pull off pursuit, but when someone dials Mulder's cell phone, Crump angrily tosses it out the window. As Mulder freaks out, you realize:
A) That it had to be Scully calling, and even the Punk knew this time he needs her to save his Speedo-wearing butt!
B) That it's not really Crump. It's Heisenberg, and everyone's got to play the game his way now!
C) That Fox really needs to hear Dana's voice from time to time, aw, isn't that romantic? <sigh>
9) When Mulder slows down the car, Crump freaks out and gets sicker. Mulder's intuitive skills kick in and he hits the accelerator, watching as Crump's condition improves. He realizes that this is what happened to Crump's wife, if you slow down you die. "I think I saw this movie," mutters Mulder, and you guess the movie he saw was:
A) Playing God...no, that's if you star in a cruddy movie, your career dies...
B) It wasn't a movie! It was an acclaimed five season Emmy-winning series on AMC!
C) Godzilla 2015! Well, it could work as a date movie for Dana and Fox!
10) Scully finds out that they've avoided the roadblock, hinting that Mulder has learned of something. She gets a call, and hey, it's from her new boss AD Kersh, who asks how it's going in Idaho, with the addendum "Think carefully." Realizing that the "nobody will know" promise from Mulder is now out the window (along with the cell phones), she admits that they had gone to Nevada because of this case they felt needed investigating. Kersh calmly promises to await the report and offers the nearest field office for support, but he makes it clear Mulder is going to get chewed up and spat out for this one. As Scully ends the phone call with one of her patented "oopsies" look, you:
A) Notice, after she makes an intuitive guess that the victims are connected by location, that it's always after getting chewed out by her bosses that Scully does her best thinking.
B) Realize Kersh must be watching the show, because he learned Scully's phone number the same time the rest of us guys did (expect that phone to ring non-stop for the rest of the episode!)
C) Know full well that Dana REALLY wants to see Fox alive more than Kersh does! <protective grumbling>
11) Meanwhile, Mulder and Crump are happily exchanging recipes for bundt cakes... Crump, who's not exactly enjoying this day, insists when Mulder calls him Crump he put "Mister" in front of it. He then snarls if Mulder's a Jewish name. Mulder growls back "That's Mister Mulder, you peanut-picking bastard." As the audience learns this is going to be one of those fun family drives, you:
A) Know that if Scully was driving, she'd growl, "That's Miss Scully, you <many and varied expletives deleted>" because as Sister Autumn points out so often, Our Little Sailor's background as a Navy brat has exposed her to the best selection of four-letter, eight-letter, and twelve-letter vulgarities on the seven seas!
B) Realize Bryan Cranston is going to put that gun to Mulder's head and growl. "Say... My... Name..."
C) Wonder if Dana's going to ask Fox about that bottle-smashing bit in Jewish weddings...better yet, if he can demonstrate it <deep sigh>
12) After an exciting commercial for Puppy Chow, the show resumes at night at the Crump residence. Bathed in a fog-filled moonlit light, Scully leads a team of Disease Control staffers into a potential hot zone. They find a dog, agitated and constantly barking as it runs back and forth on its leash. As the team tries to subdue the dog to see if there's any infestation, you:
A) Would think someone from a dog family like Scully would just let the poor thing be...
B) Know that dog ain't working himself up for some Puppy Chow! :(
C) Scream "NOOO! Not the poor puppy! Don't! No, don't...." <ick> "Oh, not the poor doggie..." :( :( :( :( :( :(
13) After the poor puppy incident, Scully and the team leader for CDC discuss what diseases can affect both dogs and humans. She spots a light in the distance and notes the Crumps might have neighbors. She enters the far trailer, using her extra-powerful Super-Flashlight (for you Brits, the Super-Torch) to examine the clutter and carnage. She spots some dead tweety-birds, proving whatever kills here doesn't discriminate, and moves toward a still human figure in a chair. As Scully gets closer and closer, you:
A) Notice the lady is watching this weird sitcom about teenage boys driving their crazy parents even crazier, including a bumbling dad who moonlights as a meth cook.
B) Thank God the FBI finally re-issued those big flashlights to our intrepid heroes...I mean, those dinky little lights couldn't generate an INCH of fog-cutting beam, and these are so much more cooler!
C) Go ahead and scream that "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" scream when the old lady jumps up.
14) Scully ponders what could kill almost everything within a mile radius yet leave a deaf woman intact. Realizing it's not a virus they're fighting but something to do with the aural tracks of the ear, Scully takes off her helmet and listens for a sound. When a beeping noise suddenly chirps up, you realize:
A) That, damn, this girl is GOOD...
B) It's a bell, someone keeps ringing a bell, this old guy sitting in a wheelchair with a bomb strapped to th... OMG DUCK (explosion).
C) It sounds like the wake-up beeper Dana and Fox have back at the hotel room they're sharing!
15) Mister Mulder and Mister Crump take a few minutes to talk. Crump rants against the government conspiracy he's certain has used him and his wife like guinea pigs. He points out it's no way to treat a man, to take away his dignity like that, that it would be better just to kill him, that's all he's saying. Mulder points out that they'll find a way out of this. Crump nods but notes they have to hurry, "There's not much West left." As they pass a Welcome sign for California, you realize:
A) That this sign is yet another dig from the producers about moving the show to L.A. You Vancouver-hating bastids...it ain't right to take the dignity of a Canadian town like that, man...
B) This is the acting bit Bryan used for his Walter White audition, wasn't it!
C) That Crump is hinting at the treatment Fox is getting from his FBI superiors, a metaphor of how men struggle against the injustice of a cruel and chaotic universe... But Fox may have this consolation to carry with him in the darkness, that the bond between him and Dana, the bond of Lo...well, the bond of Trust, will yet save him!
16) Scully goes to a nearby Navy base, home of the Seafarer communications system, to find out about that humming box in the Crumps' backyard. The Navy lieutenant who comes to speak with her assumes she's from the FCC and apologizes for the power surge that disrupted TV signals. As Scully bluffs her way into finding out more, you note:
A) That Scully's got to work on her hemming and hawing when she bluffs, otherwise the Punk is going to beat her at seven-card-stud every time they play poker
B) What is it with these military guys? First it's that private who didn't know his phone from his butt in the "Fight the Future" movie, now it's this Navy idjit who can't spell between FCC and FBI!
C) Dana and Fox are both really bad at bluffing because they keep throwing their games when they play strip poker <wicked and hopeful grin>
17) Mister Mulder wakes up Mister Crump, warning him that the California Highway Patrol is pulling up on them. You respond:
A) With a "Hey! Dad! 'CHiPS' is back on the air! Ponch and Jon, rolling on!"
B) With a "Hey! Is that a Hello Kitty phone from Saul Goodman's office?"
C) With a "Hey! Dana and Fox are finally going to talk with each other! Finally! Let's hope they say the 'Trust' word about five times!" <sigh>
18) With a replacement phone in Mulder's possession, Scully tells Mulder her theory: the power surge through the Navy's Seafarer project, used to communicate with subs, somehow created ELFs, low-level radio frequencies which have been known to cause biological changes. It's possible those frequencies altered the Crumps' bodies to create their own frequencies, causing pressure to build in the inner ear to the point that it explodes. As Mulder winces while Scully describes how she might be able to save Mister Crump, you respond to the screen:
A) "Uh, Mister Crump, when you suggested that someone was sticking it to you, you didn't really want it to be in your ear, did you?"
B) "Oh great. Throw all this on top of Walt's medical bills why don't you? HE'S JUST GONNA COOK MORE METH THAN EVER..."
C) "Wow, this must be serious...Dana and Fox didn't flirt at all during the phone conversation..."
19) They make it to the end of the West. The camera rises over the hill as the car passes, the Pacific Ocean in view. Scully has her needle ready, waiting for the car to pull up. As it does so, you realize:
A) That Mulder didn't stop the car in front of her but right at the ocean's edge, meaning Mister Crump didn't make it...and that the Punk is going to get all angsty on us again...:(
B) That they could have filmed the Pacific Ocean from Vancouver...but Nooooo, they had to actually do it in California this time! <mutter> <grumble>
C) That Fox is going to need some serious hand-holding...once he's done taking care of that business he mentioned to Dana a little earlier...
20) Mulder and Scully have returned to D.C. AD Kersh is reviewing their expenses. Mulder curtly interrupts, knowing how little a deal this really is. "Are we done here?" Mulder continues, wondering aloud if they have to go back to grunt work hunting down big piles of manure. "You can always quit," notes Kersh, nailing home the point of the episode. Mulder silently walks out. Scully tries to defend Mulder noting he's been through a lot, but Kersh points out she apologizes for him a lot. Scully believes that what they did shut down a dangerous military operation and may have saved lives. Kersh doesn't see it that way. He reminds Scully that they're not on the X-Files anymore, and the sooner she and Mulder know that, the better. As Scully turns and walks out with a "Big piles of manure" under her breath, you conclude with the thought:
A) That the Blessed One does seem to apologize for the Punk a bit too much, but hey, that's the forgiving nature of the Saint, ya?
B) That if they're not on the X-Files anymore, why call the show by that title? Why not change it to "Breaking Malcom In the Middle" or something? WHADDA YA MEAN THAT WILL BE TAKEN?
C) That Kersh didn't mention the extra cost of two hotel rooms...so did that mean they shared one for once? YES!
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who thinks Scully should have gotten on a helicopter, flown it over the speeding car, jump down in an exciting stunt sequence, smash her way in through the roof, and then slam that needle into Crump's ear, saving his life and keeping the Punk from getting all angsty at the end
B) Then you are an X-Phile who wonders if all this could have been avoided if the United States just went with a universal healthcare program that could have treated Walter's cancer... I mean Crump's earache...
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who watched this episode worried that Dana and Fox didn't take an extra minute after the talkdown by Kersh to hold hands... Ever! WILL THEY EVER HOLD HANDS, CHRIS CARTER YOU SADISTIC... (gets told about Season Seven) Okay. Fine. We'll hold out for ONE MORE YEAR...
This is one of those classic episodes. This is, in fact, the episode Vince Gilligan remembered when it came time to cast someone for the iconic role of Walter White for his own television epic Breaking Bad. As I need to edit this Survey to update for modern times, I may well insert a few Bryan Cranston memes into the half-baked jokes here. Now, to wit:
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey - Drive
1) The episode begins (for the writer at least) with a commercial promoting an upcoming installment of the Donny and Marie Show. Then the scene cuts to a LIVE on-air transmission from FOX Channel 11 out in Nevada, where a high-speed chase is keeping the highway patrol on their toes. They stop the car, but when the try to arrest the driver (Bryan Cranston!) and rescue the woman passenger, the poor woman keeps banging her head against the glass until her head, well, explodes. When the opening credits take over, your primary thought is this:
A) High-speed chases with exploding people, you can deal with. But the Donny and Marie Show?!?!? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo <dies>
B) What's Walter White doing driving outside of New Mexico like this? Anyway, HE is the one who HONKS!
C) This is in Nevada? Hey, doesn't that state have a lenient marriage license policy? After all, you can get an Elvis Impersonator to preside over your wedding, right?...;-)
2) After an Intel commercial where Homer Simpson gets implanted with a chip in the back of his head, the show continues with Mulder and Scully out in Idaho, doing routine work on checking a farmer's recent purchase of fertilizer (as Mulder puts it, "So routine it numbs the mind."). As they look for the paperwork, Mulder spots the news report showing the bizarre death in Nevada. While the agents watch the replay, you realize:
A) That if Homer takes that Intel chip out of his head, he'll get cancer! D'oh!
B) That it was either checking fertilizer bags in Idaho or checking for meth labs in Albuquerque!
C) There's a good chance, because the FBI will be reining in their "dubious" travel expenses, that Dana and Fox will have to share one hotel room on this trip! Yes!
3) Scully finds Mulder near the car just as he's finishing up a phone call. She already knows that Mulder wants to detour to Nevada to investigate that death, but points out that they're being watched closely on this one and any deviation from their routine will get them in trouble. He argues that this routine of hunting down big piles of doo-doo is going nowhere, and besides, they can go to Nevada, be in and out in a day, and "nobody has to know." When he says that, you know:
A) Scully should have learned after five seasons of this sh-t that "nobody has to know" means the bosses will be chewing them out for property damage and body counts again!
B) That every Fox Channel west of the Mississippi is going to catch them on tape and play it over and over again for a new hit show, "When FBI Agents Attack!"
C) That Fox's real excuse is to get Dana close enough to Las Vegas so they can get a quicky wedding presided by an Elvis Impersonator, oh yeah!...<sigh>
4) Our intrepid heroes make it to Nevada, where the driver Crump is under lock and key for carjacking. Scully volunteers to go check the autopsy on Crump's wife, while Mulder agrees to stay and talk with poor guy, whom the audience noticed earlier is starting to nosebleed and scream in terror. When this happens, you:
A) Notice that it's Scully initiating the ditch this time, beating the Punk to the punch
B) Know they won't see each other for another 38 minutes and 40 seconds
C) Realize they're both politely ditching one another, courtesy of 'Shipperdom's favorite writer Vince Gilligan (so don't forget his new movie - for 1998 - Home Fries starring Drew Barrymore and Luke Wilson, the Sheriff Bucktooth from "Bad Blood"!)
5) Scully goes to follow up on the autopsy with the local pathologist, who notes how the poor woman died: one side of the head blown away as an exit wound, but no sign of an entry wound, like something was already inside her. Scully notices something unusual in what's left of Mrs. Crump's inner ear. As she starts poking at it, you scream:
A) "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
B) "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
C) "Uououououououououo!" <there are some type of screams that involve the letter 'I', but we'll save that for later>
6) While Scully learns too late not to pick at things like that, Mulder follows after Crump, now suffering from a seizure of some sort and getting placed in an ambulance. Scully goes into In-Charge! Mode setting up a quarantine in the morgue, getting word that another body had been found and assuming whatever killed Mrs. Crump is communicable. She calls Mulder, warning him of the quarantine and warning him to isolate Crump ASAP. She specifically warns Mulder not to see the guy. As she says that, you realize:
A) That the Blessed Skeptic should have learned by now that Mulder is always in it up to his ears by the time she tries to warn him...
B) That every warning about Bryan Cranston characters never get heeded UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE...
C) That it was sweet of Dana to call and warn Fox, but next time, hon, try it before he's taken hostage, okay?
7) Guys, you gotta be quick with the pause button: Scully flashes her phone number on the screen. You're pretty sure it's:
A) (202) SNT-DANA
B) (900) FBI-SEXY
C) (202) MAR-RYME ext. FOX
8) Well, actually, her number's (202) 555-0166, but meanwhile she's learned Mulder has been taken hostage and forced to drive Crump westward. She plans with the local law enforcement to set up a roadblock with people from CDC to quarantine the two, but Crump calls in demanding the chasing police cars pull back. The cars do pull off pursuit, but when someone dials Mulder's cell phone, Crump angrily tosses it out the window. As Mulder freaks out, you realize:
A) That it had to be Scully calling, and even the Punk knew this time he needs her to save his Speedo-wearing butt!
B) That it's not really Crump. It's Heisenberg, and everyone's got to play the game his way now!
C) That Fox really needs to hear Dana's voice from time to time, aw, isn't that romantic? <sigh>
9) When Mulder slows down the car, Crump freaks out and gets sicker. Mulder's intuitive skills kick in and he hits the accelerator, watching as Crump's condition improves. He realizes that this is what happened to Crump's wife, if you slow down you die. "I think I saw this movie," mutters Mulder, and you guess the movie he saw was:
A) Playing God...no, that's if you star in a cruddy movie, your career dies...
B) It wasn't a movie! It was an acclaimed five season Emmy-winning series on AMC!
C) Godzilla 2015! Well, it could work as a date movie for Dana and Fox!
10) Scully finds out that they've avoided the roadblock, hinting that Mulder has learned of something. She gets a call, and hey, it's from her new boss AD Kersh, who asks how it's going in Idaho, with the addendum "Think carefully." Realizing that the "nobody will know" promise from Mulder is now out the window (along with the cell phones), she admits that they had gone to Nevada because of this case they felt needed investigating. Kersh calmly promises to await the report and offers the nearest field office for support, but he makes it clear Mulder is going to get chewed up and spat out for this one. As Scully ends the phone call with one of her patented "oopsies" look, you:
A) Notice, after she makes an intuitive guess that the victims are connected by location, that it's always after getting chewed out by her bosses that Scully does her best thinking.
B) Realize Kersh must be watching the show, because he learned Scully's phone number the same time the rest of us guys did (expect that phone to ring non-stop for the rest of the episode!)
C) Know full well that Dana REALLY wants to see Fox alive more than Kersh does! <protective grumbling>
11) Meanwhile, Mulder and Crump are happily exchanging recipes for bundt cakes... Crump, who's not exactly enjoying this day, insists when Mulder calls him Crump he put "Mister" in front of it. He then snarls if Mulder's a Jewish name. Mulder growls back "That's Mister Mulder, you peanut-picking bastard." As the audience learns this is going to be one of those fun family drives, you:
A) Know that if Scully was driving, she'd growl, "That's Miss Scully, you <many and varied expletives deleted>" because as Sister Autumn points out so often, Our Little Sailor's background as a Navy brat has exposed her to the best selection of four-letter, eight-letter, and twelve-letter vulgarities on the seven seas!
B) Realize Bryan Cranston is going to put that gun to Mulder's head and growl. "Say... My... Name..."
C) Wonder if Dana's going to ask Fox about that bottle-smashing bit in Jewish weddings...better yet, if he can demonstrate it <deep sigh>
12) After an exciting commercial for Puppy Chow, the show resumes at night at the Crump residence. Bathed in a fog-filled moonlit light, Scully leads a team of Disease Control staffers into a potential hot zone. They find a dog, agitated and constantly barking as it runs back and forth on its leash. As the team tries to subdue the dog to see if there's any infestation, you:
A) Would think someone from a dog family like Scully would just let the poor thing be...
B) Know that dog ain't working himself up for some Puppy Chow! :(
C) Scream "NOOO! Not the poor puppy! Don't! No, don't...." <ick> "Oh, not the poor doggie..." :( :( :( :( :( :(
13) After the poor puppy incident, Scully and the team leader for CDC discuss what diseases can affect both dogs and humans. She spots a light in the distance and notes the Crumps might have neighbors. She enters the far trailer, using her extra-powerful Super-Flashlight (for you Brits, the Super-Torch) to examine the clutter and carnage. She spots some dead tweety-birds, proving whatever kills here doesn't discriminate, and moves toward a still human figure in a chair. As Scully gets closer and closer, you:
A) Notice the lady is watching this weird sitcom about teenage boys driving their crazy parents even crazier, including a bumbling dad who moonlights as a meth cook.
B) Thank God the FBI finally re-issued those big flashlights to our intrepid heroes...I mean, those dinky little lights couldn't generate an INCH of fog-cutting beam, and these are so much more cooler!
C) Go ahead and scream that "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" scream when the old lady jumps up.
14) Scully ponders what could kill almost everything within a mile radius yet leave a deaf woman intact. Realizing it's not a virus they're fighting but something to do with the aural tracks of the ear, Scully takes off her helmet and listens for a sound. When a beeping noise suddenly chirps up, you realize:
A) That, damn, this girl is GOOD...
B) It's a bell, someone keeps ringing a bell, this old guy sitting in a wheelchair with a bomb strapped to th... OMG DUCK (explosion).
C) It sounds like the wake-up beeper Dana and Fox have back at the hotel room they're sharing!
15) Mister Mulder and Mister Crump take a few minutes to talk. Crump rants against the government conspiracy he's certain has used him and his wife like guinea pigs. He points out it's no way to treat a man, to take away his dignity like that, that it would be better just to kill him, that's all he's saying. Mulder points out that they'll find a way out of this. Crump nods but notes they have to hurry, "There's not much West left." As they pass a Welcome sign for California, you realize:
A) That this sign is yet another dig from the producers about moving the show to L.A. You Vancouver-hating bastids...it ain't right to take the dignity of a Canadian town like that, man...
B) This is the acting bit Bryan used for his Walter White audition, wasn't it!
C) That Crump is hinting at the treatment Fox is getting from his FBI superiors, a metaphor of how men struggle against the injustice of a cruel and chaotic universe... But Fox may have this consolation to carry with him in the darkness, that the bond between him and Dana, the bond of Lo...well, the bond of Trust, will yet save him!
16) Scully goes to a nearby Navy base, home of the Seafarer communications system, to find out about that humming box in the Crumps' backyard. The Navy lieutenant who comes to speak with her assumes she's from the FCC and apologizes for the power surge that disrupted TV signals. As Scully bluffs her way into finding out more, you note:
A) That Scully's got to work on her hemming and hawing when she bluffs, otherwise the Punk is going to beat her at seven-card-stud every time they play poker
B) What is it with these military guys? First it's that private who didn't know his phone from his butt in the "Fight the Future" movie, now it's this Navy idjit who can't spell between FCC and FBI!
C) Dana and Fox are both really bad at bluffing because they keep throwing their games when they play strip poker <wicked and hopeful grin>
17) Mister Mulder wakes up Mister Crump, warning him that the California Highway Patrol is pulling up on them. You respond:
A) With a "Hey! Dad! 'CHiPS' is back on the air! Ponch and Jon, rolling on!"
B) With a "Hey! Is that a Hello Kitty phone from Saul Goodman's office?"
C) With a "Hey! Dana and Fox are finally going to talk with each other! Finally! Let's hope they say the 'Trust' word about five times!" <sigh>
18) With a replacement phone in Mulder's possession, Scully tells Mulder her theory: the power surge through the Navy's Seafarer project, used to communicate with subs, somehow created ELFs, low-level radio frequencies which have been known to cause biological changes. It's possible those frequencies altered the Crumps' bodies to create their own frequencies, causing pressure to build in the inner ear to the point that it explodes. As Mulder winces while Scully describes how she might be able to save Mister Crump, you respond to the screen:
A) "Uh, Mister Crump, when you suggested that someone was sticking it to you, you didn't really want it to be in your ear, did you?"
B) "Oh great. Throw all this on top of Walt's medical bills why don't you? HE'S JUST GONNA COOK MORE METH THAN EVER..."
C) "Wow, this must be serious...Dana and Fox didn't flirt at all during the phone conversation..."
19) They make it to the end of the West. The camera rises over the hill as the car passes, the Pacific Ocean in view. Scully has her needle ready, waiting for the car to pull up. As it does so, you realize:
A) That Mulder didn't stop the car in front of her but right at the ocean's edge, meaning Mister Crump didn't make it...and that the Punk is going to get all angsty on us again...:(
B) That they could have filmed the Pacific Ocean from Vancouver...but Nooooo, they had to actually do it in California this time! <mutter> <grumble>
C) That Fox is going to need some serious hand-holding...once he's done taking care of that business he mentioned to Dana a little earlier...
20) Mulder and Scully have returned to D.C. AD Kersh is reviewing their expenses. Mulder curtly interrupts, knowing how little a deal this really is. "Are we done here?" Mulder continues, wondering aloud if they have to go back to grunt work hunting down big piles of manure. "You can always quit," notes Kersh, nailing home the point of the episode. Mulder silently walks out. Scully tries to defend Mulder noting he's been through a lot, but Kersh points out she apologizes for him a lot. Scully believes that what they did shut down a dangerous military operation and may have saved lives. Kersh doesn't see it that way. He reminds Scully that they're not on the X-Files anymore, and the sooner she and Mulder know that, the better. As Scully turns and walks out with a "Big piles of manure" under her breath, you conclude with the thought:
A) That the Blessed One does seem to apologize for the Punk a bit too much, but hey, that's the forgiving nature of the Saint, ya?
B) That if they're not on the X-Files anymore, why call the show by that title? Why not change it to "Breaking Malcom In the Middle" or something? WHADDA YA MEAN THAT WILL BE TAKEN?
C) That Kersh didn't mention the extra cost of two hotel rooms...so did that mean they shared one for once? YES!
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who thinks Scully should have gotten on a helicopter, flown it over the speeding car, jump down in an exciting stunt sequence, smash her way in through the roof, and then slam that needle into Crump's ear, saving his life and keeping the Punk from getting all angsty at the end
B) Then you are an X-Phile who wonders if all this could have been avoided if the United States just went with a universal healthcare program that could have treated Walter's cancer... I mean Crump's earache...
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who watched this episode worried that Dana and Fox didn't take an extra minute after the talkdown by Kersh to hold hands... Ever! WILL THEY EVER HOLD HANDS, CHRIS CARTER YOU SADISTIC... (gets told about Season Seven) Okay. Fine. We'll hold out for ONE MORE YEAR...
Thursday, June 30, 2016
X-Files: Monday 'Shipper Survey
Wait, have I done this before...?
X-Files: Monday 'Shipper Survey
1) Police cars pull up to surround a bank in DC. Skinner arrives to appraise the situation. A strange blonde woman approaches begging Skinner not to let it happen "again." Inside, we see Agent Scully checking a wounded man who turns out to be Agent Mulder. On the verge of tears, she tells the gunman he's "in charge" and "you don't have to do this." As the police storm the building, the gunman says he has to, and hits the switch to the bomb strapped to his chest. Ka-boom. You:
A) Weep for the deaths of the Blessed One and the Punk, and wonder if the Pope will waive the five-year waiting period to declare Scully a Saint of Enigmaticism
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Weep for the end of the show now that Dana and Fox are gone...and despite the gentle caresses she kept giving her wounded partner up to the explosion, we never did get anything resolved sexually...<tears flow>
2) The credits roll. You:
A) Shout at the screen, "Dudes! Mulder and Scully are dead! The show's over! You can go home now!"
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Wonder how the show can continue now...maybe with Skinner and the Lone Gunmen...but then, any sexual tension would...oh GOD NO! Well, not that there's anything wrong with it...<muttering "damn slashers!">
3) Suddenly, we see Mulder asleep, stirring, finding something wrong with his...waterbed? (SEE "Dreamland Pt.2") He gets up to find a serious leak, which has spilled onto the floor, has splashed onto his alarm, and (finding out from the downstairs neighbor) soaked through to the apartment below. When his cell phone falls into the water, you:
A) Pity the poor Punk. This just isn't his Groundhog's Day, is it...<tsk> <tsk>
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Sigh with relief! It had all been a wet dream! Dana and Fox are going to use that waterbed after all! Well, right after Fox patches the hole...
4) Mulder shows up late for work. He quickly tears into his envelope, pulling out a check which he immediately endorses. Scully shows up, and he apologizes for missing some meeting. She notes the meeting isn't really over yet, they're having a coffee break. Mulder explains how horrible his morning ("Any moment I'm about to burst into song") has been all because of a leak in his waterbed. Scully's eyes light up as she asks when he ever had a waterbed. You:
A) Worry the Punk is going to start singing the theme to "Shaft" again...oh GOD no...
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Reply "Hey, forget the 'when he got it,' and consider the 'when he'll offer to show it off to you,' Dana! And don't forget the handcuffs!!!" <kinky sigh>
5) Mulder gets to the bank, but so does the mad bomber and the mad blonde Pam, who seems upset. She also seems to know what people are saying as they say them, although when Mulder walks by he glances at her with an odd look of recognition, something she never expected. The mad bomber goes in, struggles with a note, then goes for his gun doing an old-fashioned hold-up. Mulder goes along with it, until Scully shows up. You:
A) Shout "Scully! Use the Force! Pull that gun out of his hand!"
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Shout "Dana! Fox! They've got a great deal on first-time mortgage rates for newlywed couples at this bank! Go for it!"
6) Mulder gets shot. Scully does she can to care for him, checking his wound, cradling his head in her arms (hey!), caressing his cheek (HEY!), etc. She tries to start a conversation with the robber, asking for a name (she guesses "Steve"), telling him not to go through with what he's doing. The teaser repeats itself: the police storm in, Bernard hits the switch, end of show. You:
A) Wonder who the hell "Steve" is...must be a first cousin living in Virginia who has membership in this bizarre esoteric society covering up some dark secret in Rennes-le-Chateau...oh, wait, that's this writer's fanfic stories. Never mind...
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before... and that you've seen that Bernard guy hang out with moose in Alaska...
C) Get the idea of this story, that it'll repeat this scenario until something right happens, so you're cool about Dana and Fox blowing up. What gets you all hot and bothered was watching Dana take care of Fox! <faint>
7) Mulder wakes up. His waterbed has hit an iceberg again. He's not having any fun this time either. You:
A) Want the Punk to have learned one thing for this go-around: direct deposit!!!
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Wonder if there will be a re-start where Dana wakes up in the bed next to Fox...oh, IF ONLY!!! <deep sigh>
8) This time around, Mulder's phone rings a second time. Believing it either to be the peeved downstairs neighbor again or a miffed Scully wondering how late he'll be, he refuses to answer it, taking a moment to trip over his shoes again. The camera cuts to Pam, who is trying to call Mulder this time and warn him not to go to the bank. When she hangs up before Bernard catches her doing it, you:
A) Know damn well the Blessed Skeptic might be a saint, but all patience flies out the window when the Punk fails to show up for the Third-Longest-Meeting in FBI History! <mutter> <grumble>
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Worry that Pam was calling Fox's 1-900 number! Fox! No!...:-(
9) Mulder is back to get his check, except this time he rips a corner of it. Scully shows up, Mulder apologizes for missing the meeting, but Scully replies "Well, not yet, but only because it's the longest in FBI history." (Writer: what? It broke the record? Call Guinness Book of World Records! Woo-hoo!) Mulder asks if she "ever have one of those days you wish you could rewind and start all over again from the beginning?" When she says "Yes. Frequently," You:
A) Cheer the fact that she DOES want to become a spokesperson for the Ab-Roller! Woo-hoo!
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Weep and collapse before the television, because Dana has her regrets about her relationship with Fox! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo...
10) They discuss fate versus free will. SCULLY: "No, I think that we're free to be the people that we are: good, bad or indifferent. I think that it's our character that determines our fate." MULDER: "And all the rest is just preordained? I don't buy that. There's too many variables. Too many forks in the road." He mentions how he wanted to be on time for work but how his waterbed's leaking changed all that. Scully is still surprised to hear he has a waterbed. He adds he has to go to the bank to cover the check he had to write for the damages, making him incredibly tardy for the meeting. When Scully asks AGAIN, "Since when did you get a waterbed?" You:
A) Quip, "Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other, I've seen a lot of strange things, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful Force controlling...everything. There's no mystical energy field that controls MY destiny..."
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Get all excited. Dana's fixating on the waterbed! She wants to see it! She wants to USE IT! And she's bringing the handcuffs! YES!!!! <faint>
11) Mulder ignores the waterbed query to finish him argument for free will. He points out Scully could easily have stayed in medicine and not gone into the FBI, meaning no X-Files as we know it. Scully still thinks it's Fate. MULDER: "Free will. With every choice, you change your fate." When Scully grabs the check and replies, "Then let's change yours. I will deposit your check. You gather your files, go to Skinner's office, and give your report before he takes it out on both of us," you:
A) Know the real reason Scully is willing to go to the bank for Mulder isn't to test his concept of Free Will, it's so she can get out of that Godawful meeting and let the Punk suffer through it instead!
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Wonder what it would have been like without Dana's decision to join the FBI creating her destiny with Fox...hmm. It would have meant the executives at the FOX Network would have successfully petitioned Mulder's partner to be a leggy blonde...Oh GOD NO! <powerful wave of nausea> Dana, it's a good thing you made this choice! <sigh of relief>
12) Mulder realizes he signed the check's stub and not the check itself. He runs after Scully to the bank, but Pam confronts him, begging him not to go to the bank. She figures he's the only one who might understand what's going on: that he goes to the bank, something bad happens, and "we all die." When Mulder gets this look on his face, you:
A) Interpret it to mean "So who's being Spooky now? I hate it when other people are weirder than I am!..."
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Know he really wants to get to the bank so he and Dana can pose as a married couple to get that great deal on a vacation loan to Jamaica! <deep sigh>
13) There's a gunshot. Mulder goes in to the bank. A woman has been shot and Mulder and Scully are in a standoff with Bernard. When Bernard hears the cops are on their way, he hits the switch. Boom. End of show. You:
A) Wonder what Gillian will do next now that the show's over...maybe do a few more romantic yuppie movies, try out for a role in that epic "Lord of the Rings" production perhaps, hey, they ought to be looking for a few good Jedis for Episodes Two and Three of the Star Wars saga!... (note: this is years before her upcoming gig as Media for American Gods)
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Hope that this time Fox wakes up with Dana in that leaky waterbed!!! <hopeful grin>
14) The newspaper delivery guy shows up to deliver the paper. Then he does it again. He does it a third time, suggesting we've had three re-starts since the commercial break. You:
A) Realize there must have been a version where Skinner goes to cash the check, where Frohike goes to cash the check, where Skinner goes to cash the check, where...hey, am I repeating myself here?!?!?!
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Wonder if there was a version where Skinner goes to cash the check, or if Frohike... damn causality loops! We'll never get out of this temporal distortion field that trapped the Enterprise-D!
15) We get the same-old. Mulder's bed has a leak. But this time, our focus shifts to Scully, who gets a warning "not to go to the bank" from Pam who sneaks into the Hoover Building as a tourist. Scully gets confused but just shrugs it off as "just another wild and wacky day with the X-Files." She finds Mulder in the basement, working on his check, and he suddenly gets a feeling of deja vu. They talk about the concept of "deja vu," where Mulder brings up the Freudian concept of repressed memories and a desire to change a wrong in the past, while Scully assumes it's just a chemical reaction in the brain causing memory glitches. When Scully finds out Mulder has to go to the bank and she warns him of the weird message she just got, you:
A) Wonder how Pam got a Tour pass so quickly that morning, and how she was able to sneak away from Bernard in order to make her warning, and why they didn't scan her for chronoton particles at the main gate, and...
B) Get the extremely bizarre feeling you've had this question before...
C) Worry that this time Dana didn't have a chance to express an interest in Fox's waterbed. Nuts! And they were doing such a good job of flirting this time! (Writer: for those of you just joining us this evening for like the first time ever, it has been an established fact that when Dana and Fox discuss/argue their opinions on philosophical issues, it really means they are flirting. So there.)
16) Mulder tries the ATM, but it's broken. He sees Pam and tries to find out why she warned his partner. Pam explains it to him, as he's the only one who seems to understand: this day has been repeating itself over and over because Bernard blows up the bank. He blows it up because Mulder and/or Scully show up to interrupt his bank robbery attempt. They all relive this day because it wasn't supposed to happen that way, but for some reason she is the only one who remembers anything. She tears up, convinced that they are all in Hell, and she is the only one who knows. You:
A) Know that the idea of Hell was born from an undigested apple turnover. Yes! We get in a quote from "Moby Dick!" Woo-hoo!
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Realize the true reason Dana and Fox keep reliving this day is because Fox hasn't figured out yet how to become a better person, thus winning Dana's true love so he won't have to keep waking up alone in that Pennsylvania inn! Oh, wait, that's "Groundhog Day" starring Bill Murray and Andie McDowell. Well, it could apply here!
17) Mulder goes to the meeting instead of the bank, but he finds that Scully went off to look for him at the bank. He hurries back over to catch Bernard being distracted by Scully and shoots him before he can shoot her. Bernard is still alive and hits the switch. As Mulder stands there repeating to himself "He's got a bomb he's got a bomb he's got a bomb (Ka-BOOM)," you:
A) Know if the Punk hadn't shown up Scully would have disarmed Bernard and deactivated the bomb! That's why they keep repeating this day! <trout-slap Mulder> Next time, stay out of it!
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Notice that Dana and Fox were going to sit next to each other at the meeting! Giving them ample opportunities to pass notes under the table and discreetly rub their ankles together! <swoon> Now, if only they can be there at the same time!!!...
18) Here we go again. Mulder. Leaky bed. Wet floor. He hurries to work, gets the check, and hurries out, this time saying little to a confused Scully. Pam has returned to her situation in the car, crying uncontrollably convinced nothing will change and she's stuck in Hell. Mulder comes by, recognizing her, but she no longer cares and lets him go into the bank. He passes Bernard, and as he starts repeating to himself "he's got a bomb he's got a bomb he's got a bomb," you:
A) Wonder why the Punk can remember that but keep forgetting to tell the poor Saint a simple "Thank You" from time to time?! Damn Punk! <trout-slap>
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Worry that Fox was looking at Pam the wrong way...Dammit, you Punk, no more fake blondes!!!
19) Mulder calls Scully (who seems relieved) out of the meeting to go get Pam from the car. Mulder surrenders his gun to Bernard before he can act, calmly telling him he doesn't have to do this. Sadly, Bernard goes through with the robbery again. Scully brings in Pam, and reacts to Bernard by pulling her gun. Both Mulder and Pam try to talk Bernard out of this, Mulder exclaiming the fact that this day keeps repeating for Pam and that this is Hell for her. When Bernard hears the sirens, he pulls the trigger. Pam steps into the path of the bullet. Bernard, stunned, falls helplessly to his knees. Scully checks Pam's pulse and calls for a paramedic, but steps away to give Mulder a chance to check Pam, who smiles and notes "this never happened before." You:
A) Task the Saint (Yes, HER) for forgetting her medical training by walking away from a wounded victim! What, she only takes care of the Punk when HE gets shot? Dammit, Scully, do your job! <mutter> <grumble>
B) Get the feeling you've... Hey! What's been going on around here?!?! Who's been shot? What day is it? How long have I been sitting in this La-Z-Boy chair?!?!
C) Hope this means the causality loop is over, and that Fox can take Dana back to his place to show off the waterbed! At last! And Dana still has her handcuffs! YES!!! <faint>
20) Mulder wakes up...on his futon. His phone rings, and it's Scully wondering how late he's going to be this time. She warns Skinner wants a report on what happened at the bank, and how Mulder knew there was a bomb and that Bernard had an accomplice in the car. Mulder says Pam wasn't an accomplice, she was "just trying to escape." You conclude:
A) With the thought that all of this could have been avoided if Bernard had gotten that job with the telemarketers selling aluminum siding and...and...oh, wait, they don't have a decent pension plan because all the workers end up zombie-fied. Hmm...
B) Thank God the causality loop is closed so you can get on with your life as...as...oh. That's right. Not much of a life if you keeping watching the same X-Files episode over and over and over and...
C) That Fox didn't get to use his excuse of a leaky waterbed to sleep over with Dana. DAMN!
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSE member who wondered what the show would have been like if Scully had gone into medicine instead of the FBI...Uh-oh. Visions of that show "Providence" are flashing before your eyes... AUGH
B) Then you are a fan of other sci-fi/fantasy shows who gets the feeling you've seen this episode before... <trout-slap> But it's TRUE!!!...
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's worried Fox has gotten rid of that waterbed once and for all, and now won't be able to show it off to Dana like he was fated to! And she was bringing her handcuffs too! NUTS! <mutter> <grumble>
So, this IS the first time I'm reposting this, right...?
X-Files: Monday 'Shipper Survey
1) Police cars pull up to surround a bank in DC. Skinner arrives to appraise the situation. A strange blonde woman approaches begging Skinner not to let it happen "again." Inside, we see Agent Scully checking a wounded man who turns out to be Agent Mulder. On the verge of tears, she tells the gunman he's "in charge" and "you don't have to do this." As the police storm the building, the gunman says he has to, and hits the switch to the bomb strapped to his chest. Ka-boom. You:
A) Weep for the deaths of the Blessed One and the Punk, and wonder if the Pope will waive the five-year waiting period to declare Scully a Saint of Enigmaticism
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Weep for the end of the show now that Dana and Fox are gone...and despite the gentle caresses she kept giving her wounded partner up to the explosion, we never did get anything resolved sexually...<tears flow>
2) The credits roll. You:
A) Shout at the screen, "Dudes! Mulder and Scully are dead! The show's over! You can go home now!"
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Wonder how the show can continue now...maybe with Skinner and the Lone Gunmen...but then, any sexual tension would...oh GOD NO! Well, not that there's anything wrong with it...<muttering "damn slashers!">
3) Suddenly, we see Mulder asleep, stirring, finding something wrong with his...waterbed? (SEE "Dreamland Pt.2") He gets up to find a serious leak, which has spilled onto the floor, has splashed onto his alarm, and (finding out from the downstairs neighbor) soaked through to the apartment below. When his cell phone falls into the water, you:
A) Pity the poor Punk. This just isn't his Groundhog's Day, is it...<tsk> <tsk>
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Sigh with relief! It had all been a wet dream! Dana and Fox are going to use that waterbed after all! Well, right after Fox patches the hole...
4) Mulder shows up late for work. He quickly tears into his envelope, pulling out a check which he immediately endorses. Scully shows up, and he apologizes for missing some meeting. She notes the meeting isn't really over yet, they're having a coffee break. Mulder explains how horrible his morning ("Any moment I'm about to burst into song") has been all because of a leak in his waterbed. Scully's eyes light up as she asks when he ever had a waterbed. You:
A) Worry the Punk is going to start singing the theme to "Shaft" again...oh GOD no...
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Reply "Hey, forget the 'when he got it,' and consider the 'when he'll offer to show it off to you,' Dana! And don't forget the handcuffs!!!" <kinky sigh>
5) Mulder gets to the bank, but so does the mad bomber and the mad blonde Pam, who seems upset. She also seems to know what people are saying as they say them, although when Mulder walks by he glances at her with an odd look of recognition, something she never expected. The mad bomber goes in, struggles with a note, then goes for his gun doing an old-fashioned hold-up. Mulder goes along with it, until Scully shows up. You:
A) Shout "Scully! Use the Force! Pull that gun out of his hand!"
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Shout "Dana! Fox! They've got a great deal on first-time mortgage rates for newlywed couples at this bank! Go for it!"
6) Mulder gets shot. Scully does she can to care for him, checking his wound, cradling his head in her arms (hey!), caressing his cheek (HEY!), etc. She tries to start a conversation with the robber, asking for a name (she guesses "Steve"), telling him not to go through with what he's doing. The teaser repeats itself: the police storm in, Bernard hits the switch, end of show. You:
A) Wonder who the hell "Steve" is...must be a first cousin living in Virginia who has membership in this bizarre esoteric society covering up some dark secret in Rennes-le-Chateau...oh, wait, that's this writer's fanfic stories. Never mind...
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before... and that you've seen that Bernard guy hang out with moose in Alaska...
C) Get the idea of this story, that it'll repeat this scenario until something right happens, so you're cool about Dana and Fox blowing up. What gets you all hot and bothered was watching Dana take care of Fox! <faint>
7) Mulder wakes up. His waterbed has hit an iceberg again. He's not having any fun this time either. You:
A) Want the Punk to have learned one thing for this go-around: direct deposit!!!
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Wonder if there will be a re-start where Dana wakes up in the bed next to Fox...oh, IF ONLY!!! <deep sigh>
8) This time around, Mulder's phone rings a second time. Believing it either to be the peeved downstairs neighbor again or a miffed Scully wondering how late he'll be, he refuses to answer it, taking a moment to trip over his shoes again. The camera cuts to Pam, who is trying to call Mulder this time and warn him not to go to the bank. When she hangs up before Bernard catches her doing it, you:
A) Know damn well the Blessed Skeptic might be a saint, but all patience flies out the window when the Punk fails to show up for the Third-Longest-Meeting in FBI History! <mutter> <grumble>
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Worry that Pam was calling Fox's 1-900 number! Fox! No!...:-(
9) Mulder is back to get his check, except this time he rips a corner of it. Scully shows up, Mulder apologizes for missing the meeting, but Scully replies "Well, not yet, but only because it's the longest in FBI history." (Writer: what? It broke the record? Call Guinness Book of World Records! Woo-hoo!) Mulder asks if she "ever have one of those days you wish you could rewind and start all over again from the beginning?" When she says "Yes. Frequently," You:
A) Cheer the fact that she DOES want to become a spokesperson for the Ab-Roller! Woo-hoo!
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Weep and collapse before the television, because Dana has her regrets about her relationship with Fox! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo...
10) They discuss fate versus free will. SCULLY: "No, I think that we're free to be the people that we are: good, bad or indifferent. I think that it's our character that determines our fate." MULDER: "And all the rest is just preordained? I don't buy that. There's too many variables. Too many forks in the road." He mentions how he wanted to be on time for work but how his waterbed's leaking changed all that. Scully is still surprised to hear he has a waterbed. He adds he has to go to the bank to cover the check he had to write for the damages, making him incredibly tardy for the meeting. When Scully asks AGAIN, "Since when did you get a waterbed?" You:
A) Quip, "Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other, I've seen a lot of strange things, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful Force controlling...everything. There's no mystical energy field that controls MY destiny..."
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Get all excited. Dana's fixating on the waterbed! She wants to see it! She wants to USE IT! And she's bringing the handcuffs! YES!!!! <faint>
11) Mulder ignores the waterbed query to finish him argument for free will. He points out Scully could easily have stayed in medicine and not gone into the FBI, meaning no X-Files as we know it. Scully still thinks it's Fate. MULDER: "Free will. With every choice, you change your fate." When Scully grabs the check and replies, "Then let's change yours. I will deposit your check. You gather your files, go to Skinner's office, and give your report before he takes it out on both of us," you:
A) Know the real reason Scully is willing to go to the bank for Mulder isn't to test his concept of Free Will, it's so she can get out of that Godawful meeting and let the Punk suffer through it instead!
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Wonder what it would have been like without Dana's decision to join the FBI creating her destiny with Fox...hmm. It would have meant the executives at the FOX Network would have successfully petitioned Mulder's partner to be a leggy blonde...Oh GOD NO! <powerful wave of nausea> Dana, it's a good thing you made this choice! <sigh of relief>
12) Mulder realizes he signed the check's stub and not the check itself. He runs after Scully to the bank, but Pam confronts him, begging him not to go to the bank. She figures he's the only one who might understand what's going on: that he goes to the bank, something bad happens, and "we all die." When Mulder gets this look on his face, you:
A) Interpret it to mean "So who's being Spooky now? I hate it when other people are weirder than I am!..."
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Know he really wants to get to the bank so he and Dana can pose as a married couple to get that great deal on a vacation loan to Jamaica! <deep sigh>
13) There's a gunshot. Mulder goes in to the bank. A woman has been shot and Mulder and Scully are in a standoff with Bernard. When Bernard hears the cops are on their way, he hits the switch. Boom. End of show. You:
A) Wonder what Gillian will do next now that the show's over...maybe do a few more romantic yuppie movies, try out for a role in that epic "Lord of the Rings" production perhaps, hey, they ought to be looking for a few good Jedis for Episodes Two and Three of the Star Wars saga!... (note: this is years before her upcoming gig as Media for American Gods)
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Hope that this time Fox wakes up with Dana in that leaky waterbed!!! <hopeful grin>
14) The newspaper delivery guy shows up to deliver the paper. Then he does it again. He does it a third time, suggesting we've had three re-starts since the commercial break. You:
A) Realize there must have been a version where Skinner goes to cash the check, where Frohike goes to cash the check, where Skinner goes to cash the check, where...hey, am I repeating myself here?!?!?!
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Wonder if there was a version where Skinner goes to cash the check, or if Frohike... damn causality loops! We'll never get out of this temporal distortion field that trapped the Enterprise-D!
15) We get the same-old. Mulder's bed has a leak. But this time, our focus shifts to Scully, who gets a warning "not to go to the bank" from Pam who sneaks into the Hoover Building as a tourist. Scully gets confused but just shrugs it off as "just another wild and wacky day with the X-Files." She finds Mulder in the basement, working on his check, and he suddenly gets a feeling of deja vu. They talk about the concept of "deja vu," where Mulder brings up the Freudian concept of repressed memories and a desire to change a wrong in the past, while Scully assumes it's just a chemical reaction in the brain causing memory glitches. When Scully finds out Mulder has to go to the bank and she warns him of the weird message she just got, you:
A) Wonder how Pam got a Tour pass so quickly that morning, and how she was able to sneak away from Bernard in order to make her warning, and why they didn't scan her for chronoton particles at the main gate, and...
B) Get the extremely bizarre feeling you've had this question before...
C) Worry that this time Dana didn't have a chance to express an interest in Fox's waterbed. Nuts! And they were doing such a good job of flirting this time! (Writer: for those of you just joining us this evening for like the first time ever, it has been an established fact that when Dana and Fox discuss/argue their opinions on philosophical issues, it really means they are flirting. So there.)
16) Mulder tries the ATM, but it's broken. He sees Pam and tries to find out why she warned his partner. Pam explains it to him, as he's the only one who seems to understand: this day has been repeating itself over and over because Bernard blows up the bank. He blows it up because Mulder and/or Scully show up to interrupt his bank robbery attempt. They all relive this day because it wasn't supposed to happen that way, but for some reason she is the only one who remembers anything. She tears up, convinced that they are all in Hell, and she is the only one who knows. You:
A) Know that the idea of Hell was born from an undigested apple turnover. Yes! We get in a quote from "Moby Dick!" Woo-hoo!
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Realize the true reason Dana and Fox keep reliving this day is because Fox hasn't figured out yet how to become a better person, thus winning Dana's true love so he won't have to keep waking up alone in that Pennsylvania inn! Oh, wait, that's "Groundhog Day" starring Bill Murray and Andie McDowell. Well, it could apply here!
17) Mulder goes to the meeting instead of the bank, but he finds that Scully went off to look for him at the bank. He hurries back over to catch Bernard being distracted by Scully and shoots him before he can shoot her. Bernard is still alive and hits the switch. As Mulder stands there repeating to himself "He's got a bomb he's got a bomb he's got a bomb (Ka-BOOM)," you:
A) Know if the Punk hadn't shown up Scully would have disarmed Bernard and deactivated the bomb! That's why they keep repeating this day! <trout-slap Mulder> Next time, stay out of it!
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Notice that Dana and Fox were going to sit next to each other at the meeting! Giving them ample opportunities to pass notes under the table and discreetly rub their ankles together! <swoon> Now, if only they can be there at the same time!!!...
18) Here we go again. Mulder. Leaky bed. Wet floor. He hurries to work, gets the check, and hurries out, this time saying little to a confused Scully. Pam has returned to her situation in the car, crying uncontrollably convinced nothing will change and she's stuck in Hell. Mulder comes by, recognizing her, but she no longer cares and lets him go into the bank. He passes Bernard, and as he starts repeating to himself "he's got a bomb he's got a bomb he's got a bomb," you:
A) Wonder why the Punk can remember that but keep forgetting to tell the poor Saint a simple "Thank You" from time to time?! Damn Punk! <trout-slap>
B) Get the feeling you've had this question before...
C) Worry that Fox was looking at Pam the wrong way...Dammit, you Punk, no more fake blondes!!!
19) Mulder calls Scully (who seems relieved) out of the meeting to go get Pam from the car. Mulder surrenders his gun to Bernard before he can act, calmly telling him he doesn't have to do this. Sadly, Bernard goes through with the robbery again. Scully brings in Pam, and reacts to Bernard by pulling her gun. Both Mulder and Pam try to talk Bernard out of this, Mulder exclaiming the fact that this day keeps repeating for Pam and that this is Hell for her. When Bernard hears the sirens, he pulls the trigger. Pam steps into the path of the bullet. Bernard, stunned, falls helplessly to his knees. Scully checks Pam's pulse and calls for a paramedic, but steps away to give Mulder a chance to check Pam, who smiles and notes "this never happened before." You:
A) Task the Saint (Yes, HER) for forgetting her medical training by walking away from a wounded victim! What, she only takes care of the Punk when HE gets shot? Dammit, Scully, do your job! <mutter> <grumble>
B) Get the feeling you've... Hey! What's been going on around here?!?! Who's been shot? What day is it? How long have I been sitting in this La-Z-Boy chair?!?!
C) Hope this means the causality loop is over, and that Fox can take Dana back to his place to show off the waterbed! At last! And Dana still has her handcuffs! YES!!! <faint>
20) Mulder wakes up...on his futon. His phone rings, and it's Scully wondering how late he's going to be this time. She warns Skinner wants a report on what happened at the bank, and how Mulder knew there was a bomb and that Bernard had an accomplice in the car. Mulder says Pam wasn't an accomplice, she was "just trying to escape." You conclude:
A) With the thought that all of this could have been avoided if Bernard had gotten that job with the telemarketers selling aluminum siding and...and...oh, wait, they don't have a decent pension plan because all the workers end up zombie-fied. Hmm...
B) Thank God the causality loop is closed so you can get on with your life as...as...oh. That's right. Not much of a life if you keeping watching the same X-Files episode over and over and over and...
C) That Fox didn't get to use his excuse of a leaky waterbed to sleep over with Dana. DAMN!
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSE member who wondered what the show would have been like if Scully had gone into medicine instead of the FBI...Uh-oh. Visions of that show "Providence" are flashing before your eyes... AUGH
B) Then you are a fan of other sci-fi/fantasy shows who gets the feeling you've seen this episode before... <trout-slap> But it's TRUE!!!...
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's worried Fox has gotten rid of that waterbed once and for all, and now won't be able to show it off to Dana like he was fated to! And she was bringing her handcuffs too! NUTS! <mutter> <grumble>
So, this IS the first time I'm reposting this, right...?
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
X-Files: Arcadia 'Shipper Survey
'Cause I'm in the mood to mess with your lives, I've decided to post a Season Six survey on you and watch you suffer as you've never suffered before!
Nah, I kid. This one's not that bad.
Actually, I'm posting this because there was a Season Ten episode involving a Tulpa as the Monster of the Week, and it annoyed me that they messed with something we've already met. So I'm providing the evidence.
This is also an episode that proves that Dana and Fox should never live in the suburbs. Although if they did, they could have gotten Tessa from Suburgatory to babysit William.
Enjoy
ARCADIA
1) The episode begins in a peaceful, tranquil community, where the lawns are neatly trimmed, the mailboxes are freshly painted, and the neighbors are awful friendly. You know:
A) That this place is going to Hell in a handbasket!
B) That every person here is really a Stepford robot two nanoseconds away from blowing their circuits and going on a rampage like Yul Brenner in Westworld!
C) That Dana and Fox now can find this as the best place in the world where they can raise their hybrid Emily clones! <sigh>
2) After a particularly gruesome demise of a household couple that pulled the heinous act of placing a tacky weathervane on their house, the scene shifts months later to the same house where a woman waits nervously for the new arrivals. An SUV and U-Haul truck appear, and out steps the most startling sight in X-Files history: Mulder dressed as a preppie geek and Scully grinning from ear to ear wearing some sweater she must have borrowed from her sister-in-law (I don't think it's from her mother, Ma Scully seems to have better taste than that). You realize:
A) That the Prozac Scully prescribed for the Punk has driven him over the edge and has twisted him into an Izod-wearing doofus!
B) That the virulent strain of humanity once known as Preppies are still alive and roaming the hills of Los Angeles! Hide!
C) That they DID get married and settled down! YES!!!!!!!!! <blissful faint>
3) Our intrepid heroes introduce themselves as Rob and Laura Petrie. They do their best to play the part of a smiling happily-married couple, but you:
A) Notice the almost-grimace the Blessed One gives when the Punk squeezes too tight. Don't overact your part, you Punk! <trout-slap> No wonder you don't win any Emmys...
B) Wonder who it was who came up with the last name of "Petrie." What, is there something wrong with "Smith" or "Jones" or "Wartenberg"??? Those are perfectly acceptable names!!!
C) Remain in a blissful coma. So what if they changed their names, they're MARRIED!!! <deep blissful sigh>
4) 'Rob' and 'Laura' get a quick tour of their new home, with poor Laura struggling with the Welcome Wagon basket that's almost as big as she is. When they ask about the previous owners, the Welcome Lady gets nervous and runs off. When that happens, you:
A) Watch Scully wait until the coast is clear to shrug Mulder off before he squeezes her to death with all that hugging. And hey, 'Rob,' instead of just standing there like a Punk why don't you help your better half in getting a good grip on that Welcome Wagon basket! <mutter> <grumble>
B) Consider that woman to be a suspect. Just look at her shifty eyes, low brow, poor choice in pumps, etc.
C) Answer to the screen, "That's right, ma'am, please leave these two lovebirds alone right now! They need some private time to consummate the honeymoon!" <massive sigh>
5) They meet their neighbors soon enough, especially because of the "rule" that they have to be unpacked and moved in before 6 p.m. and they've only got forty-five minutes before the deadline. Everyone in the community shows up, hurriedly grabbing furniture and boxes and rushing them into the house. Mulder and Scully, uh, Mr. and Mrs. Petrie stand back and watch the hilarity ensue, until the local gentle giant Big Mike tries to carry in a box marked "china" and sadly lets it drop much to Dana's, uh Laura's dismay. You shout at the screen:
A) "No! Scully's secret stash of Hummel figurines destroyed by one man's carelessness! Mike, prepare to meet thy doom!!!" <trout-slap>
B) "Hey, Big Mike, why not try drop-kicking that box of magazines ole' Rob here marked `Psychology research!' I'm sure Laura won't mind seeing those moth-eaten Playpens fly into the nearest sewer!"
C) "NOOOOOO! That was their wedding present from Mrs. Scully! Die, Kube, Die!"
6) Everything gets moved in. The neighbors all wave good-bye. Our heroes are now left alone in their new home, and they stare at each other. SCULLY: "You ready?" MULDER: "Let's get it on, honey." SCULLY: "All right, then." For you, this means:
A) Scully's going to make him move all the heavy furniture in place while she reads her Capote novel in the corner whilst dispensing moving tips like "That'll look good over there" and "I'm sure that piano can go upstairs, hon."
B) They're repainting the walls? So soon? Ew, I HATED painting the walls at home!...
C) Dana's going to let Fox carry her over the threshold and into the bedroom! YES!!!!!! <faint>
7) We find out that Mulder and Scully were assigned undercover work by Skinner to this neighborhood to investigate the disappearance of several couples. As Scully pulls out her camcorder while Mulder digs for any trace of bloodstains, you state to yourself:
A) "That lab equipment Big Mike tossed for a touchdown was more valuable to the Blessed Skeptic than any dumb set of china! Kubiak, you're a dead man!"
B) "Hey! Where's the room for a foosball table? Damn! They should have asked for a crime scene with a game room or something!"
C) "So Skinner assigned them to be a married couple??? Yay, he's a 'Shipper!!! <celebratory noise-making>" (Note: technically this makes him a Shipper On Deck)
8) Mulder interrupts Scully's taping with a lame "You want to make that honeymoon video now?" You think Scully should answer:
A) "No. Now I want to make that women's self-defense tape! <begins pummeling the Punk> And to those of you watching today's taping, THIS is how you use an Ab-Roller to beat your jerk of a partner who won't let me get a desk in the basement again!"
B) "Not now, Mulder, I've spotted a rare repitilus muppetus, a lizard that looks remarkably like Yoda!" <zooms in for a close-up>
C) "But, lover, who gets to hold the videocam? <camera falls from her grip as Fox sweeps Dana off her feet> Ooh, never mind!"
9) Scully takes a moment to complain about the choice of names ("Rob and Laura Petrie?") and that she'd like to pick the names next time they're undercover. Mulder complains that this isn't really an X-File. SCULLY: "Sure it is. It's unexplained. What do you want, aliens? Tractor beams?" You:
A) Agree with Scully that not every case has to have aliens involved, and that it's perfectly okay to use their paranormal skills to hunt down those mutant dust bunnies hiding under the futon.
B) Did want aliens to be involved so there'd be extensive use of special effects, and you can be content that your uncle working in the sfx department can keep steady work
C) Wonder why they're so busy arguing in the kitchen when there's a perfectly good waterbed around here they can argue in!!! <faint>
10) Mulder thinks Scully just wants "to play house." You think:
A) That it's HER house? In HER name? Fine. Back to the basement for you, Spooky!
B) That Mulder should have gotten Scully that Malibu Barbie set for Christmas after all, instead of...of...what DID he give her for Christmas?...
C) That there's nothing wrong with that! Go with it, Fox! <sigh>
11) There's a ring of the doorbell. Scully goes to answer it while Mulder mockingly demands she make a sandwich for him. Her reply? A set of gloves tossed right into his face. You:
A) Cheer the Enigmatic One's moral victory and toss your own set of gloves you got autographed at the New York eXpo into the face of the Punk's voodoo doll sitting forlornly in the corner
B) Worry that Mulder really IS hungry and he'll chew the gloves
C) Feign disappointment at Fox's poor attitude about this relationship: marriage should be a compact of two equals, neither a master nor a servant to the other, but contentedly balanced in their duty and their love. Okay, so I'm a romantic at heart!...
12) You start to wonder what it would be like if Mulder and Scully really were married. You can picture one of these scenes:
A) Poor Sainted Scully scrubbing away at dirty dishes while Mulder and his geeky friends spill bean dip on HER freshly vacuumed carpets watching the Clippers lose - again - to the Wizards. Dammit, Frohike, use a coaster! <mutter> <grumble>
B) Poor Mulder stuck with yard work digging up worms for Scully's science projects while she sits inside eating cookie dough ice cream and complaining to her old high school girlfriends that he just doesn't give her any moral support
C) <explicit sexual acts of a prolonged and noticeably satisfying manner deleted to protect younger readers> <suffice to say, marital aids are really that>
13) Meanwhile, back at the ranch... The neighbors gather to chew the fat both figuratively and literally. They're figuring out who these Petries are. They gossip about what 'Rob' said about being a home worker, which to them means "she's got all the money." You:
A) Chortle (if you can't chortle, you can at least guffaw) at how the poor Punk is getting snickered at by the locals...tee hee
B) Worry that one of these neighbors is a peeping Tom and will catch our intrepid heroes acting like FBI agents
C) Worry that one of these neighbors is a peeping Tom and will catch our intrepid heroes acting out that stuff I wanted to write in Answer C) up on Question 12! Suffice to say, the peep will definitely need a cold shower afterwards! <wicked grin>
14) Big Mike asks if this time, they can warn their new neighbors 'Rob' and 'Laura' about what they're getting themselves into. The community leader Gogolak gives his assurances, which to you means:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Big Mike is our Red-Shirt Character of the Week! Okay, Chris, tell him what he won! Chris the Creator: "Well, Big Mike, you'll get a rather painful head wound! And that's not all!..."
15) The next day, one of the neighbors, Shroeder, is busy spraying off Big Mike's porch when Rob and Laura show up to return Mike's donated china. Shroeder asks if they slept peacefully, so 'Rob' replies they "spooned up" in bed and slept like kittens. "Isn't that right, Honey-Bunch?" 'Laura' grins a bit too much before answering "That's right, Poopy-Head." You:
A) Nod in satisfaction to the Blessed One's kick-ass response. She's been waiting YEARS to call the Punk 'Poopy-Head'! Bwha-ha-ha!
B) React in horror to what Mulder and Scully are calling each other. My GOD, do married couples say that ALL THE TIME?! <shudder> For once, the writer is glad to be a virgin!...
C) Faint in excited bliss. THEY SHARED A BED! <massive sigh>
16) 'Rob' is eager to set up his basketball set, so our intrepid heroes go to see Gogolak about the CC & R (Contracts, Covenants, and Regulations). Gogolak reads through the book like he's reading a Bible (even putting it reverently on a reading stand, nice touch!) And explains that basketball sets are prohibited in the name of order, civilization, and high property values. You realize:
A) That the poor Punk won't be able to drive Scully nuts with his incessant dribbling and will be forced to support the Blessed One in her quilting projects
B) That the CC & R is really the Necronomicon in disguise! (As a librarian, the writer can spot these things, you know...) Whatever you do, don't read page 1013!!!!!!!
C) That Dana and Fox, uh 'Laura' and 'Rob', look SOOOOO cute curled up like that on the sofa! They should do that every episode! <hopeful grin>
17) The 'Petries' go eat dinner with their new neighbors the Shroeders. The Shroeders are smily happy people, eagerly scarfing down dolphin-safe tuna. ("Dolphin-safe all the way") It's a scene of domestic bliss, the kind that makes you afraid everyone's been replaced by Pod People. It's almost a relief when 'Rob' tells the Shroeders he met 'Laura' at a UFO convention. When he mockingly notes "She's quite the New Ager," you reply:
A) "Sure, just like her sister. You see that crystal necklace, the one 'Laura' is shoving up 'Rob's' nose? Gift from her sister. And that dolphin-safe trout she's hitting him with? That's from her religious followers! <kneel> <genuflect>"
B) "You realize that while you're talking with these so-called people that Gogolak and his cronies are building Mulder and Scully duplicates! <scream> <flee>"
C) "I hope the newlyweds are playing footsies like they're in love instead of shin-kneeing like they're bickering! <whimper>"
18) The conversation turns unpleasant as our heroes ask the Shroeders about Big Mike's disappearance. The missus, Cami, excuses herself from the table so she could walk the dog. 'Laura' offers to join her, but as she stands up to leave 'Rob' reaches over for a kiss from his Snoogums. As 'Laura' kisses the air next to his face rather than on his lips, you:
A) Know she does it because Scully doesn't want his dolphin-safe tuna breath on her face!
B) Wonder if "walk the dog" is a euphemism for "taking a dump"...but then why would Scully go along? Hmm...women, to my knowledge, always go to bathrooms in groups, never alone. Is there...something in the toilet water? Something...dangerous?
C) Weep for the end of all things. Dammit, Dana, his lips were three inches over! You gotta work on your aim! <sob> <wail>
19) After a disturbing incident with the Shroeders' dog in front of Big Mike's empty house, Mulder and Scully meet back at the homestead to discuss their clues and plans of action. They discuss this while preparing for bed: Mulder stripping down to a grey t-shirt and casually (or slovenly, take your pick) tossing it aside, Scully dressed in nightgown using the bathroom, complaining about Mulder's inability to squeeze a tube of toothpaste properly and giving him a third warning about the toilet seat. Mulder flops onto the bed, intent apparently in sharing it with Scully <gasp> <pant>. But when Scully comes out wearing a mud facial, you:
A) Always wondered why the Blessed One looks so good! But why haven't we seen this facial stuff before? Oh, she's intentionally scaring a certain Spooky someone!
B) Ponder, as a virgin who grew up mostly with brothers, what the big deal is about the toilet seat
C) Scream in terror and jump out the window. Dana, don't DO that!!!
20) Mulder tries to stay in bed with a "Come on, Laura, you know... we're married now." She answers "Scully" and tells him goodnight. He retorts "The thrill is gone," while you retort:
A) "Hey, Punk, there's a reason she's not sharing the bed with you. You snore!"
B) "You're better off without her, Mulder. You don't want that facial mud in your hair!"
C) "You're damn right the thrill is gone! <weep> <wail> Dana, you didn't have to send him off to the futon! Nooooo... <cries> <gnashing of teeth>"
21) Mulder tries to disrupt the serenity of the neighborhood by planting a pink flamingo (travesty!) in the yard and, when that disappears, by trashing his mailbox. He waits and watches for hours to see what might happen. When he goes for only a minute to "walk the dog" as it were, he comes back to find the mailbox cleaned and fixed and containing a warning to "Be like the others." You:
A) Notice he didn't put the toilet seat back down when he went to walk the dog! You BASTID!
B) Scream in horror that Soylent Green is people! Oh, wait, wrong paranoid movie. Here we go: don't go to sleep! They get you in your sleep! Augh!
C) Suddenly discover there are no children in this neighborhood! Oh no! Emily hybrids are against the CC & R! Nooooo!
22) Mulder does the one thing that'll drive anyone insane: he starts shooting some hoops. You know:
A) His incessant dribbling is going to wake up the neighbors...and the sewer monster...and the seismic monitor two blocks down...and Lord Kimbote down in Inner Earth...and...
B) Mulder's ability to dribble well and yet throw bricks comes from the genetic tinkering CancerMan and his Reticulan cronies did on him before the Big Game against Gonzaga
C) That the only one-on-one you're interested in watching doesn't involve dribbling...but lots and lots of illegal contact! <wicked grin>
23) After witnessing an assault on the Shroeders, Mulder discovers there's something under the ground. Scully found something too: the entire community was built atop a landfill. Mulder wants to do some digging, and he grabs a copy of the CC & R and uses it as an excuse to put a reflective pool in the front yard. As the neighbors whisper evilly amongst themselves, you ponder:
A) What Scully has to do to get a sundeck added in the backyard. She needs a sundeck! (Sister Autumn passes on a message about redheads being a tad sensitive to tanning.) Oh. Uh. BBQ grill. She needs a BBQ grill!
B) Where Mulder got a copy of the CC & R. Who did he deal with to get that book?... Oh, THAT'S who he dealt with... Oh, dear.
C) Why 'Rob' and 'Laura' didn't add a hot tub! PLEASE!...
24) Mulder digs up evidence that Gogolak was behind the tacky knick-knack that killed the previous house owners. He confronts the community elder with an educated guess that he and the others created a "Tulpa," a kind of guardian that makes sure the neighborhood remains safe and clean...as long as the rules are obeyed. Scully, meanwhile calls for an excavation team out to 450 Autumn Terrace (Hey! When do *I* get a street named after me?...) when all of a sudden Big Mike re-appears to protect her from the sewer monster. As the action picks up with blood, violence, and mud, you:
A) Want Big Mike to ship back to "ER" where he belongs and get that head wound checked, and let Scully defend herself, dammit! She never gets to beat the mud monsters! :-(
B) Know if it was your mother's house, she'd be extremely ticked off with all those carpet stains!
C) Get upset that there hasn't been one opportunity for 'Rob' and 'Laura' to hold hands!
25) Mulder leaves Gogolak chained to the mailbox while he rushes into the home to find Scully. Gogolak struggles, wrecking the mailbox and bringing forth the wrath of the Tulpa. The monster then moves steadily toward Mulder, his arms reaching out to crush this puny mortal...until Gogolak finally croaks, at which point Mud Boy collapses into a pile of, well, mud. The scene shifts to the next day, when Mulder and Scully pack up and head back to D.C. While Scully uses her gifted voice (ahhhhh) to recite yet another Big Speech about the conspiracy of silence in the dark world of Suburbia, you conclude:
A) That Scully's monologues need a few Biblical quotes thrown in...nah, that'd be too preachy...
B) That we'd all be better off staying in apartments and RVs and avoid these deed-restricted communities! Those places can kill ya!
C) That Dana and Fox are better off finding a better place to raise their hybrid kids. Hey, there's a nice new community out near Three Mile Island!...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you're an OBSSEr who's decided to emulate the Blessed One's beauty secrets: Play-Doh! <writer gets killed by ensuing mob>
B) Then you're an X-Philer who knew that planting a pink flamingo in your yard will mark you for death!
C) Then you're a 'Shipper who's convinced Dana and Fox are still married! You didn't see any divorce lawyers when they left, did you? No you didn't. SO THERE! YAY! <contented cheer>
Nah, I kid. This one's not that bad.
Actually, I'm posting this because there was a Season Ten episode involving a Tulpa as the Monster of the Week, and it annoyed me that they messed with something we've already met. So I'm providing the evidence.
This is also an episode that proves that Dana and Fox should never live in the suburbs. Although if they did, they could have gotten Tessa from Suburgatory to babysit William.
Enjoy
ARCADIA
1) The episode begins in a peaceful, tranquil community, where the lawns are neatly trimmed, the mailboxes are freshly painted, and the neighbors are awful friendly. You know:
A) That this place is going to Hell in a handbasket!
B) That every person here is really a Stepford robot two nanoseconds away from blowing their circuits and going on a rampage like Yul Brenner in Westworld!
C) That Dana and Fox now can find this as the best place in the world where they can raise their hybrid Emily clones! <sigh>
2) After a particularly gruesome demise of a household couple that pulled the heinous act of placing a tacky weathervane on their house, the scene shifts months later to the same house where a woman waits nervously for the new arrivals. An SUV and U-Haul truck appear, and out steps the most startling sight in X-Files history: Mulder dressed as a preppie geek and Scully grinning from ear to ear wearing some sweater she must have borrowed from her sister-in-law (I don't think it's from her mother, Ma Scully seems to have better taste than that). You realize:
A) That the Prozac Scully prescribed for the Punk has driven him over the edge and has twisted him into an Izod-wearing doofus!
B) That the virulent strain of humanity once known as Preppies are still alive and roaming the hills of Los Angeles! Hide!
C) That they DID get married and settled down! YES!!!!!!!!! <blissful faint>
3) Our intrepid heroes introduce themselves as Rob and Laura Petrie. They do their best to play the part of a smiling happily-married couple, but you:
A) Notice the almost-grimace the Blessed One gives when the Punk squeezes too tight. Don't overact your part, you Punk! <trout-slap> No wonder you don't win any Emmys...
B) Wonder who it was who came up with the last name of "Petrie." What, is there something wrong with "Smith" or "Jones" or "Wartenberg"??? Those are perfectly acceptable names!!!
C) Remain in a blissful coma. So what if they changed their names, they're MARRIED!!! <deep blissful sigh>
4) 'Rob' and 'Laura' get a quick tour of their new home, with poor Laura struggling with the Welcome Wagon basket that's almost as big as she is. When they ask about the previous owners, the Welcome Lady gets nervous and runs off. When that happens, you:
A) Watch Scully wait until the coast is clear to shrug Mulder off before he squeezes her to death with all that hugging. And hey, 'Rob,' instead of just standing there like a Punk why don't you help your better half in getting a good grip on that Welcome Wagon basket! <mutter> <grumble>
B) Consider that woman to be a suspect. Just look at her shifty eyes, low brow, poor choice in pumps, etc.
C) Answer to the screen, "That's right, ma'am, please leave these two lovebirds alone right now! They need some private time to consummate the honeymoon!" <massive sigh>
5) They meet their neighbors soon enough, especially because of the "rule" that they have to be unpacked and moved in before 6 p.m. and they've only got forty-five minutes before the deadline. Everyone in the community shows up, hurriedly grabbing furniture and boxes and rushing them into the house. Mulder and Scully, uh, Mr. and Mrs. Petrie stand back and watch the hilarity ensue, until the local gentle giant Big Mike tries to carry in a box marked "china" and sadly lets it drop much to Dana's, uh Laura's dismay. You shout at the screen:
A) "No! Scully's secret stash of Hummel figurines destroyed by one man's carelessness! Mike, prepare to meet thy doom!!!" <trout-slap>
B) "Hey, Big Mike, why not try drop-kicking that box of magazines ole' Rob here marked `Psychology research!' I'm sure Laura won't mind seeing those moth-eaten Playpens fly into the nearest sewer!"
C) "NOOOOOO! That was their wedding present from Mrs. Scully! Die, Kube, Die!"
6) Everything gets moved in. The neighbors all wave good-bye. Our heroes are now left alone in their new home, and they stare at each other. SCULLY: "You ready?" MULDER: "Let's get it on, honey." SCULLY: "All right, then." For you, this means:
A) Scully's going to make him move all the heavy furniture in place while she reads her Capote novel in the corner whilst dispensing moving tips like "That'll look good over there" and "I'm sure that piano can go upstairs, hon."
B) They're repainting the walls? So soon? Ew, I HATED painting the walls at home!...
C) Dana's going to let Fox carry her over the threshold and into the bedroom! YES!!!!!! <faint>
7) We find out that Mulder and Scully were assigned undercover work by Skinner to this neighborhood to investigate the disappearance of several couples. As Scully pulls out her camcorder while Mulder digs for any trace of bloodstains, you state to yourself:
A) "That lab equipment Big Mike tossed for a touchdown was more valuable to the Blessed Skeptic than any dumb set of china! Kubiak, you're a dead man!"
B) "Hey! Where's the room for a foosball table? Damn! They should have asked for a crime scene with a game room or something!"
C) "So Skinner assigned them to be a married couple??? Yay, he's a 'Shipper!!! <celebratory noise-making>" (Note: technically this makes him a Shipper On Deck)
8) Mulder interrupts Scully's taping with a lame "You want to make that honeymoon video now?" You think Scully should answer:
A) "No. Now I want to make that women's self-defense tape! <begins pummeling the Punk> And to those of you watching today's taping, THIS is how you use an Ab-Roller to beat your jerk of a partner who won't let me get a desk in the basement again!"
B) "Not now, Mulder, I've spotted a rare repitilus muppetus, a lizard that looks remarkably like Yoda!" <zooms in for a close-up>
C) "But, lover, who gets to hold the videocam? <camera falls from her grip as Fox sweeps Dana off her feet> Ooh, never mind!"
9) Scully takes a moment to complain about the choice of names ("Rob and Laura Petrie?") and that she'd like to pick the names next time they're undercover. Mulder complains that this isn't really an X-File. SCULLY: "Sure it is. It's unexplained. What do you want, aliens? Tractor beams?" You:
A) Agree with Scully that not every case has to have aliens involved, and that it's perfectly okay to use their paranormal skills to hunt down those mutant dust bunnies hiding under the futon.
B) Did want aliens to be involved so there'd be extensive use of special effects, and you can be content that your uncle working in the sfx department can keep steady work
C) Wonder why they're so busy arguing in the kitchen when there's a perfectly good waterbed around here they can argue in!!! <faint>
10) Mulder thinks Scully just wants "to play house." You think:
A) That it's HER house? In HER name? Fine. Back to the basement for you, Spooky!
B) That Mulder should have gotten Scully that Malibu Barbie set for Christmas after all, instead of...of...what DID he give her for Christmas?...
C) That there's nothing wrong with that! Go with it, Fox! <sigh>
11) There's a ring of the doorbell. Scully goes to answer it while Mulder mockingly demands she make a sandwich for him. Her reply? A set of gloves tossed right into his face. You:
A) Cheer the Enigmatic One's moral victory and toss your own set of gloves you got autographed at the New York eXpo into the face of the Punk's voodoo doll sitting forlornly in the corner
B) Worry that Mulder really IS hungry and he'll chew the gloves
C) Feign disappointment at Fox's poor attitude about this relationship: marriage should be a compact of two equals, neither a master nor a servant to the other, but contentedly balanced in their duty and their love. Okay, so I'm a romantic at heart!...
12) You start to wonder what it would be like if Mulder and Scully really were married. You can picture one of these scenes:
A) Poor Sainted Scully scrubbing away at dirty dishes while Mulder and his geeky friends spill bean dip on HER freshly vacuumed carpets watching the Clippers lose - again - to the Wizards. Dammit, Frohike, use a coaster! <mutter> <grumble>
B) Poor Mulder stuck with yard work digging up worms for Scully's science projects while she sits inside eating cookie dough ice cream and complaining to her old high school girlfriends that he just doesn't give her any moral support
C) <explicit sexual acts of a prolonged and noticeably satisfying manner deleted to protect younger readers> <suffice to say, marital aids are really that>
13) Meanwhile, back at the ranch... The neighbors gather to chew the fat both figuratively and literally. They're figuring out who these Petries are. They gossip about what 'Rob' said about being a home worker, which to them means "she's got all the money." You:
A) Chortle (if you can't chortle, you can at least guffaw) at how the poor Punk is getting snickered at by the locals...tee hee
B) Worry that one of these neighbors is a peeping Tom and will catch our intrepid heroes acting like FBI agents
C) Worry that one of these neighbors is a peeping Tom and will catch our intrepid heroes acting out that stuff I wanted to write in Answer C) up on Question 12! Suffice to say, the peep will definitely need a cold shower afterwards! <wicked grin>
14) Big Mike asks if this time, they can warn their new neighbors 'Rob' and 'Laura' about what they're getting themselves into. The community leader Gogolak gives his assurances, which to you means:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Big Mike is our Red-Shirt Character of the Week! Okay, Chris, tell him what he won! Chris the Creator: "Well, Big Mike, you'll get a rather painful head wound! And that's not all!..."
15) The next day, one of the neighbors, Shroeder, is busy spraying off Big Mike's porch when Rob and Laura show up to return Mike's donated china. Shroeder asks if they slept peacefully, so 'Rob' replies they "spooned up" in bed and slept like kittens. "Isn't that right, Honey-Bunch?" 'Laura' grins a bit too much before answering "That's right, Poopy-Head." You:
A) Nod in satisfaction to the Blessed One's kick-ass response. She's been waiting YEARS to call the Punk 'Poopy-Head'! Bwha-ha-ha!
B) React in horror to what Mulder and Scully are calling each other. My GOD, do married couples say that ALL THE TIME?! <shudder> For once, the writer is glad to be a virgin!...
C) Faint in excited bliss. THEY SHARED A BED! <massive sigh>
16) 'Rob' is eager to set up his basketball set, so our intrepid heroes go to see Gogolak about the CC & R (Contracts, Covenants, and Regulations). Gogolak reads through the book like he's reading a Bible (even putting it reverently on a reading stand, nice touch!) And explains that basketball sets are prohibited in the name of order, civilization, and high property values. You realize:
A) That the poor Punk won't be able to drive Scully nuts with his incessant dribbling and will be forced to support the Blessed One in her quilting projects
B) That the CC & R is really the Necronomicon in disguise! (As a librarian, the writer can spot these things, you know...) Whatever you do, don't read page 1013!!!!!!!
C) That Dana and Fox, uh 'Laura' and 'Rob', look SOOOOO cute curled up like that on the sofa! They should do that every episode! <hopeful grin>
17) The 'Petries' go eat dinner with their new neighbors the Shroeders. The Shroeders are smily happy people, eagerly scarfing down dolphin-safe tuna. ("Dolphin-safe all the way") It's a scene of domestic bliss, the kind that makes you afraid everyone's been replaced by Pod People. It's almost a relief when 'Rob' tells the Shroeders he met 'Laura' at a UFO convention. When he mockingly notes "She's quite the New Ager," you reply:
A) "Sure, just like her sister. You see that crystal necklace, the one 'Laura' is shoving up 'Rob's' nose? Gift from her sister. And that dolphin-safe trout she's hitting him with? That's from her religious followers! <kneel> <genuflect>"
B) "You realize that while you're talking with these so-called people that Gogolak and his cronies are building Mulder and Scully duplicates! <scream> <flee>"
C) "I hope the newlyweds are playing footsies like they're in love instead of shin-kneeing like they're bickering! <whimper>"
18) The conversation turns unpleasant as our heroes ask the Shroeders about Big Mike's disappearance. The missus, Cami, excuses herself from the table so she could walk the dog. 'Laura' offers to join her, but as she stands up to leave 'Rob' reaches over for a kiss from his Snoogums. As 'Laura' kisses the air next to his face rather than on his lips, you:
A) Know she does it because Scully doesn't want his dolphin-safe tuna breath on her face!
B) Wonder if "walk the dog" is a euphemism for "taking a dump"...but then why would Scully go along? Hmm...women, to my knowledge, always go to bathrooms in groups, never alone. Is there...something in the toilet water? Something...dangerous?
C) Weep for the end of all things. Dammit, Dana, his lips were three inches over! You gotta work on your aim! <sob> <wail>
19) After a disturbing incident with the Shroeders' dog in front of Big Mike's empty house, Mulder and Scully meet back at the homestead to discuss their clues and plans of action. They discuss this while preparing for bed: Mulder stripping down to a grey t-shirt and casually (or slovenly, take your pick) tossing it aside, Scully dressed in nightgown using the bathroom, complaining about Mulder's inability to squeeze a tube of toothpaste properly and giving him a third warning about the toilet seat. Mulder flops onto the bed, intent apparently in sharing it with Scully <gasp> <pant>. But when Scully comes out wearing a mud facial, you:
A) Always wondered why the Blessed One looks so good! But why haven't we seen this facial stuff before? Oh, she's intentionally scaring a certain Spooky someone!
B) Ponder, as a virgin who grew up mostly with brothers, what the big deal is about the toilet seat
C) Scream in terror and jump out the window. Dana, don't DO that!!!
20) Mulder tries to stay in bed with a "Come on, Laura, you know... we're married now." She answers "Scully" and tells him goodnight. He retorts "The thrill is gone," while you retort:
A) "Hey, Punk, there's a reason she's not sharing the bed with you. You snore!"
B) "You're better off without her, Mulder. You don't want that facial mud in your hair!"
C) "You're damn right the thrill is gone! <weep> <wail> Dana, you didn't have to send him off to the futon! Nooooo... <cries> <gnashing of teeth>"
21) Mulder tries to disrupt the serenity of the neighborhood by planting a pink flamingo (travesty!) in the yard and, when that disappears, by trashing his mailbox. He waits and watches for hours to see what might happen. When he goes for only a minute to "walk the dog" as it were, he comes back to find the mailbox cleaned and fixed and containing a warning to "Be like the others." You:
A) Notice he didn't put the toilet seat back down when he went to walk the dog! You BASTID!
B) Scream in horror that Soylent Green is people! Oh, wait, wrong paranoid movie. Here we go: don't go to sleep! They get you in your sleep! Augh!
C) Suddenly discover there are no children in this neighborhood! Oh no! Emily hybrids are against the CC & R! Nooooo!
22) Mulder does the one thing that'll drive anyone insane: he starts shooting some hoops. You know:
A) His incessant dribbling is going to wake up the neighbors...and the sewer monster...and the seismic monitor two blocks down...and Lord Kimbote down in Inner Earth...and...
B) Mulder's ability to dribble well and yet throw bricks comes from the genetic tinkering CancerMan and his Reticulan cronies did on him before the Big Game against Gonzaga
C) That the only one-on-one you're interested in watching doesn't involve dribbling...but lots and lots of illegal contact! <wicked grin>
23) After witnessing an assault on the Shroeders, Mulder discovers there's something under the ground. Scully found something too: the entire community was built atop a landfill. Mulder wants to do some digging, and he grabs a copy of the CC & R and uses it as an excuse to put a reflective pool in the front yard. As the neighbors whisper evilly amongst themselves, you ponder:
A) What Scully has to do to get a sundeck added in the backyard. She needs a sundeck! (Sister Autumn passes on a message about redheads being a tad sensitive to tanning.) Oh. Uh. BBQ grill. She needs a BBQ grill!
B) Where Mulder got a copy of the CC & R. Who did he deal with to get that book?... Oh, THAT'S who he dealt with... Oh, dear.
C) Why 'Rob' and 'Laura' didn't add a hot tub! PLEASE!...
24) Mulder digs up evidence that Gogolak was behind the tacky knick-knack that killed the previous house owners. He confronts the community elder with an educated guess that he and the others created a "Tulpa," a kind of guardian that makes sure the neighborhood remains safe and clean...as long as the rules are obeyed. Scully, meanwhile calls for an excavation team out to 450 Autumn Terrace (Hey! When do *I* get a street named after me?...) when all of a sudden Big Mike re-appears to protect her from the sewer monster. As the action picks up with blood, violence, and mud, you:
A) Want Big Mike to ship back to "ER" where he belongs and get that head wound checked, and let Scully defend herself, dammit! She never gets to beat the mud monsters! :-(
B) Know if it was your mother's house, she'd be extremely ticked off with all those carpet stains!
C) Get upset that there hasn't been one opportunity for 'Rob' and 'Laura' to hold hands!
25) Mulder leaves Gogolak chained to the mailbox while he rushes into the home to find Scully. Gogolak struggles, wrecking the mailbox and bringing forth the wrath of the Tulpa. The monster then moves steadily toward Mulder, his arms reaching out to crush this puny mortal...until Gogolak finally croaks, at which point Mud Boy collapses into a pile of, well, mud. The scene shifts to the next day, when Mulder and Scully pack up and head back to D.C. While Scully uses her gifted voice (ahhhhh) to recite yet another Big Speech about the conspiracy of silence in the dark world of Suburbia, you conclude:
A) That Scully's monologues need a few Biblical quotes thrown in...nah, that'd be too preachy...
B) That we'd all be better off staying in apartments and RVs and avoid these deed-restricted communities! Those places can kill ya!
C) That Dana and Fox are better off finding a better place to raise their hybrid kids. Hey, there's a nice new community out near Three Mile Island!...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you're an OBSSEr who's decided to emulate the Blessed One's beauty secrets: Play-Doh! <writer gets killed by ensuing mob>
B) Then you're an X-Philer who knew that planting a pink flamingo in your yard will mark you for death!
C) Then you're a 'Shipper who's convinced Dana and Fox are still married! You didn't see any divorce lawyers when they left, did you? No you didn't. SO THERE! YAY! <contented cheer>
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
X-Files: Rain King 'Shipper Survey
So here I am to bulk up the archive of Senseless 'Shipper Surveys before THE BIG REVIVAL THIS SUNDAY, and I'm glancing about for something 'Ship-tastic.
So what you get are flying cows. Enjoy.
RAIN KING
Okay, here we go:
1) The episode begins on Valentine's Day, with someone filling out a romantic card, finishing it off with a lipstick kiss. This makes you realize:
A) That Scully would never kiss a Hallmark card...it's a waste of perfectly applied peach lipstick, dammit!
B) That you've never gotten a Valentine's Day card like that before...well, you've never gotten a Valentine's card period... Oh, God, and I thought Christmas gets so depressing... :-(
C) That if Fox is seeing some girl named Sheila on the side, Dana has no choice but to trout-slap that cheatin' bastid!
2) We watch Sheila (ex-SNL player Victoria Jackson) get into an argument with her worthless boyfriend, who ridicules her and drives off into the night drunk as a skunk. So we've got some broken hearts, half-eaten boxes of chocolate, and hail the shape of hearts (anybody who starts singing "We know that diamonds/mean money for this art/but that's not/the shape of my heart" will receive a free copy of "The Best of Sting and the Police Playing Polka Remixes by Puffy Combs!!!"). This all makes you think:
A) Bill Murray's guest appearance later on as Caddyshack Man is going to make you shut off the t.v. and toss it out the window
B) That whoever gets CancerMan a box of chocolates for Valentine's Day is going to find out what it's like to have an alien probe up the a--! (Pardon my Swedish...)
C) About how Dana and Fox are celebrating Valentine's Day this year...probably inside a pup tent with an infinite number of Bee-B-Gone spray cans! <hopeful grin>
3) After the credits roll, we fast-forward six months later (solar calendars, guys, anybody going by lunar months will be off by a few weeks!) to watch a plane buzz an airfield. The plane finally lands, letting our intrepid heroes Mulder and Scully step out to a grand welcome...of a John Deere cap-wearing mayor and one (rather good) baton twirler (they don't get much visitors around these parts, do they?). When the mayor thanks Mulder for coming and mistakes Scully as "the missus," you reply:
A) With a wrathful "That's AGENT SCULLY, you Jay-Hawking corn-eating <additional expletives deleted to protect younger viewers, but suffice to say anyone in a Navy family would understand>!!!"
B) With a disdainful "At least you don't confuse her for an airline stewardess..."
C) With a hopeful "Oh, IF ONLY!...<sigh>"
4) Scully finds out why Mulder dragged her out to the mountainous terrain of Kansas: Daryl Mootz, the bum from the opening scene, has been going around promoting himself as "The Rain King," and the mayor is convinced Daryl is controlling the weather and inducing a drought so he could then force people to pay for his skills of precipitation. As Scully keeps glancing this look at Mulder who keeps trying to glance a look of innocence back at her, you interpret it as:
A) A pre-trout-slap glance meaning "You Punk, dragging me out here on a flight that didn't even have peanuts, dammit, just to find some wannabe Weatherman!Elvis"
B) A withering "Oh, great, another small town with wacky inhabitants. Didn't we do this already with 'Post-Modern Prometheus'?"
C) A seductive "Hey, this mayor knew something I didn't! You dragged me out here to get married, didn't you? That's why he thought I was the missus, because we're honeymooning out in the Kansas wine valleys! Oh, Fox, that's so sweet..." <hopeful sigh>
5) Our heroes walk the Main Street of Kroner, KS., where Mulder points out is a center for the most bizarre weather conditions in the Midwest. Scully points out the boarded-up shops and deserted streets, reflecting on how desperate the locals are in blaming their plights on any available scapegoat or in placing dubious faith in a loser who claims to control the weather. You note:
A) That the Blessed One is really upset there are no bagel shops here, dammit!
B) That Vince Gilligan's diner seems to be doing pretty nicely here, and you wonder if he's got a chain of them between Vancouver and L.A.
C) That if the locals are expecting them to be a married couple, they ought to walk down the street holding hands! <extremely wishful grin>
6) Mulder and Scully bump into the Rain King's secretary Cindy, then make their way to the local t.v. channel to question the weatherman there. They arrive and are quickly greeted by an excited Sheila, who shepherds them forward and announces that our intrepid heroes are...the Gundersons?!?! As both agents arch eyebrows to that, you determine:
A) That you can't picture belonging to an organization named "Order of the Blessed St. Gunderson the Enigmatic"...c'mon, OBSGE just won't fly!...
B) That you just can't picture the show changing its title to "The Gundersons Versus the Mysterions"...that just won't work!
C) That Dana and Fox really ARE having a truly romantic getaway...that's just fine! ;-)
NOTE: I am not touching upon when the real Gundersons arrive. Nope. Uh-uh.
7) After quizzing weatherman Holman Hardt on the ditzy blonde, uh, ditzy weather covering the vast Kroner terrain, Mulder and Scully drive out to catch the Rain King start up another performance, strapping on an artificial leg marking the one he lost in the prologue's hailstorm, calling upon his 1/64 Cherokee heritage and drunkenly dancing to a really bad song. Scully gets her patented "Oh God Why Am I Here?" look and walks out of the tent. Mulder tries to point out that rain dances fall back on a grand native tradition, letting Scully to point out her Irish aunt has more Cherokee in her than Daryl. When Scully queries "I mean, look at him... Does that look like a man who can control the weather?" you know:
A) That the Blessed Skeptic shouldn't set herself up like that...next time, O Redheaded One, please do that while the Punk has his umbrella open...
B) That someone off-camera is having a blast with that water hose
C) That there's nothing like a romantic thundershower to get Dana and Fox in the mood...you hope! <deep sigh>
8) Okay. Two words. Bovine aviation. This means:
A) That the translation of that startled cow moo-ing during take-off comes out roughly as "OH NO NOT AGAIN." <knock on the door> <writer gets served with a restraining order from Douglas Adams' lawyer> Oh. I see. Um, people, please disregard this answer. Sorry.
B) That the commercial possibilities of bovine aviation as explored in certain Monty Python skits have yet to be perfected. <knock on the door> Oh, c'mon, you gotta let me have this one!...
C) That Fox is going to hafta share a room now with Dana! YEEEESSS! Fanfic alert! Fanfic alert! All 'Shippers, report to your keyboards!!!
9) With the dawn comes sanity...except in this town. Scully finds out the hotel managers have moved "her boyfriend's stuff" into her room. She finds Mulder, still ranting about someone using the weather to toss cows at him, getting treated for his scars, so she uses the moment to check for any sign of head trauma. Holman shows up, worried if anyone was hurt, and Sheila walks up with her mascara running as she tearfully claims she is the one responsible for the weather. All this makes you declare:
A) "Aha, so now the plot turns, as fate points its fickle finger at the ditzy blonde. And so, gentles all, can we dare say that...that...you know, talking like Shakespeare is harder than it looks..."
B) "Hey, ground sirloin is now half off at the Piggly Wiggly!"
C) "Aha, the excuses Dana has to come up with in order to make physical contact with Fox! You know if she spots a bruise she'll gently kiss the area and ask if he's all better...oh, by the way, is that a small bruise on the corner of his mouth? Yes!..."
10) Sheila gives Mulder and Scully a brief rundown of all the meteorological troubles she has had in relation to her love life: a tornado at prom, snow at her July wedding, laughing clouds on the day of her divorce, the hail of hearts, and now flying cows. Mulder and Scully keep giving each other these looks while she talks. Mulder, surprisingly, tells Sheila she's NOT the cause for the weather and asks Scully for her confirmation. As Scully glares in surprise at her partner while stammering out a "No, no doubts," you realize:
A) That Scully's shock comes from having the Punk finally - FINALLY - asking for her opinion - and ACCEPTING it - on this sort of thing! Wow!
B) That Sheila's abilities to destroy a prom just can't compete with Carrie's...
C) That those glances between Dana and Fox mean only one thing... ice cream!!! ;-)
11) Mulder notes Holman's reaction upon learning that Daryl's leg injury was due to drunk driving and not the hailstorm. Promptly, the rains that have followed the Rain King stop. ("Uh-oh.") Scully, just taking a moment to note how quickly Mulder has moved into her room (and made a pig sty of it), informs him that the rains have stopped, Daryl Mootz is now considered a fraud by the locals, and they can go home. But as Mulder starts telling her that Holman the Weatherman is the One True Rain King, you:
A) Knew that the Punk's bachelor ways were the reason why the Blessed One kept wanting separate hotel rooms.
B) Knew that the days of wine and rains would not last for the <insert Elvis accent> Rain King, thank you very much...
C) Knew that Dana and Fox weren't about to flip a coin to see who gets the bed...<wiggle eyebrows> <insert Roy Orbison growl here>
12) We watch as Holman, sad lonely Holman, speak before a mirror in a wimpish attempt to work up the nerve to ask Sheila (or should that be "beg", ladies?) to be his Rain Queen. The phone rings, and lo and behold it's Sheila, saying she has finally given up on the loutish Daryl. Holman gets excited as Sheila wants to ask him something (he starts sweating), and she asks... (his heart is pounding) "What do you think of Agent Mulder?" At that point you shout at the screen:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) "Uh-oh. RUN Fox RUNNNNN!!!" <lightning flash> "And don't hold that umbrella too high!!!"
13) Mulder shows up at the t.v. station to confront a miffed Holman. The FBI agent tells the weatherman that he knows Holman is the Rain King, but that his control of the weather is based on his emotional state: his bottled-up feelings for Sheila is what's causing the drought, and until he tells her it'll stay that way. Holman, however, can't work up the nerve and begs Mulder for help. Scully calls from the airport: fog (Holman's desperation) has grounded the planes. Mulder explains to Scully they're stuck in town until he can give Holman dating advice. When you hear the silence on the other end of the phone, you realize:
A) That the Blessed Skeptic knows the Punk too well: asking Mulder for dating advice is like asking Dr. Kervorkian to cure your headache!
B) That you're hoping to get some dating advice as well...<writer of survey counts the years since last date> <weeps> C'mon, David, talk!...
C) That Dana's wondering if she and Fox should provide demonstrations on such techniques as hand-holding and wistful-gazing and lip-locking...especially lip-locking!!! <wicked sigh>
14) SCULLY: Mulder, when was the last time you went on a date? MULDER (miffed): I...will talk to you...later. SCULLY (look of disbelief): The blind leading the blind... YOU:
A) "You said it, sister!"
B) "Well, there was that vampire chick from Season Two...and Bambi, if you could call that dating...and Kersh's secretary, well that was actually somebody else...oh, there's Phoebe...<very long pause> uh-oh..."
C) "It doesn't have to stay that way, Dana!" <weep> <gnash teeth>
15) Mulder and Holman talk about the birds and the bees (No, NOT THE BEES) and the monkey babies. HOLMAN: I've been envious of men like you my whole life. Based on your physical bearing, I'd assumed you were...more experienced. I mean... You spend every day with Agent Scully a beautiful, enchanting woman. And you two never, uh...? Mulder just stands there in silence. HOLMAN: I...confess I find that shocking. I've seen how you two gaze at one another... YOU:
A) "That's not gazing. Scully's just fixing her aim so she can hit him with a trout every time he drags her out to the boonies to investigate flying cows!"
B) "They're not gazing. They're telepathically telling one another about this great bagel shop just off of State Road 819!!! They'll be stopping by next episode!"
C) "You're not the only one, Holman! We're all shocked and disappointed! Damn bees!"
16) Mulder doesn't answer Holman's queries regarding the agent's relationship with Scully. He's just here to help the One True Rain King flirt with Sheila. Mulder proclaims that he's "perfectly happy with my relationship with Agent Scully," which leads to this kind of response:
A) "What relationship? You don't let her drive, didn't let her have a desk in the basement, you kept taking her parking space, stole her bags of peanuts during those long flights, and never gave her a chance to get those bagels she likes with cream cheese! Damn Punk!"
B) "Hey! If he's acting like a psychologist this episode, why wasn't he one last episode?!" <writer: yep, Chris Carter and Co., we will be ragging you on that flagrant continuity error for the rest of the year. Enjoy!>
C) "We're not happy! <weep> <wail> <gnash teeth> Fox! It's so obvious everybody else sees it! You and Dana were meant for each other! <continue weeping>"
BONUS: Mulder adds he does not "gaze" at Scully.
A) This doesn't cause you any difficulty
B) You shrug this off, doesn't bother you at all
C) You weep, pull out your hair, destroy the 1,000-page romantic novel you were writing of Dana and Fox getting personal in a cabin during a winter storm, bewail the dashing of all your hopes, and collapse in the bathtub crying your eyes out until your relatives shove some Prozac down your throat
17) Holman tries to tell Sheila. Sheila is oblivious to Holman's "I love you" and instead focuses on Mulder. Daryl, no longer earning income as a Rain King, is desperate to get back together with Sheila. Complications ensue. Especially when Sheila kisses Mulder. Your response:
A) Echoes that of Scully: arched eyebrows, false look of shock, a sign that she's going to blab about it over the water cooler meaning you can snicker about it on the next session of the #OBSSE chat room...especially with that lipstick all over his face...<snicker>
B) Sticking your tongue out with a "Thhhpt!" C'mon, you're sure you saw this before on an episode from the "Monkees"!!!
C) Is to run back to the bathtub for more crying. These damn blondes keep kissing Fox! Nooooo...
18) Mulder and Scully crash the Kroner High School re-union, as the rains of Holman's anger over Sheila's kissing of Mulder flood the countryside. They argue with Holman to make the rains stop. Holman argues that this is Mulder's fault for "kissing" Sheila. You reply:
A) "Well, he's got you there, Mulder. Here, Holman, just slap him with this trout..."
B) "You call that a kiss? I didn't see any tongue!"
C) "We know, we know! <weep> <run for the bathtub>"
19) Sheila arrives blissfully unaware of the situation, eager to dance with Mulder. Mulder stammers until Scully notes that "Holman was just telling us that he wanted to dance." As Sheila gets the hint, you realize:
A) That the Blessed Redhead is the one who knows the dating rules! You go, girl!
B) That Mulder, like most white guys, just simply can't dance to 70s music, uh-uh, no way...
C) That Dana is doing what she can to keep Fox all to herself! Yay!!! <sigh of relief>
20) Mulder tries one last trick he learned in psychology school: he growls "Tell her, Holman!" You growl:
A) "Oh, yeah, you stayed awake in all those classes you took at Oxford, uh-huh, sure..."
B) "Cerulean! Oh, wait, you need psychic powers for that to work..."
C) "Tell HER, Fox! YOU tell Dana YOU LOVE HER, okay???"
21) Ah, the things we do for love. Mulder and Scully sway to the music as they watch Holman finally get through to Sheila. When she storms off, Mulder quips "I'll build the ark, you gather the animals." You respond to this scene by:
A) Quoting from the Gospel of Sister La: "Yea, verily, did the Blessed One gather the animals by two, for two is the number and thou shalt only count up to two. And thus did St. Scully bring the animals to be saved, and The Creator Carter was pleased. And they gathered in the spot where Mulder was to build the ark, and they saw it was built. And then did Scully, with the blessedness of her righteousness, seize upon the two trout brought with her. And with this trout she slapped the Punk, saying, 'Oh Lord, let me shew thee thy foolish ways, for you see a single piece of formica bought for $42.99 at Home Depot maketh a raft and not an ark!'..."
B) Piping up your very own love song on your CD player: Dead Kennedys "Too Drunk To F---!" Yeah! <begin slam dancing with your loved one(s)>
C) Swaying back and forth with your fellow 'Shippers across the globe, hoping that this might somehow spark an emotional moment between Moose and Squirrel...<big swaying sigh>
22) Scully finds an upset Sheila in the bathroom. Sheila's convinced that Scully is trying to use Holman to keep Sheila from getting to Mulder. Scully notes "her partner's" theory (yeah, you just tell yourself that, Scully) that Holman's emotions control the weather and that his love for Sheila is behind all the bizarre storms. Scully tries to explain the ways of love (So THANKS to Tiny Dancer and CarriK for the transcript): "Well, it seems to me that the best relationships-- the ones that last-- are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with." (Nice speech) You answer with a:
A) "But in Mulder's case, the switch is probably connected to Old Sparky, Florida's electric chair!" <zap>
B) "What? You mean I have to make friends with a woman first? Damn! And all those times I went up to the ladies with a 'Hi there, talk to me, I'm FABULOUS' wasn't working!..."
C) "Somebody! Find that switch! Turn it on! HIT THE SWITCHHH!"
23) The lights go out, the plumbing gets backed up, and Sheila and Holman finally have a heart-to-heart talk. And, aw, they kiss. The flooding ends, the rains cease, and the sparklers flare up. Aw, so romantic. Which makes you wonder:
A) How Scully could weasel her way out of being the maid of honor at the wedding...well, after all, do you know how hideous those maids-of-honor outfits can GET?!
B) Why did they still hold the re-union when the weather was so bad? Wouldn't they have needed the gym for an emergency shelter or something?
C) What will it be like when Dana and Fox finally kiss?! Oh, WOW, just thinking about it boggles the mind!...<faint>
24) Like a Shakespearean play, all are reconciled at the end: The Rain King has his Queen, the false King learns his lesson, gets his leg and his true love Cindy, and Mulder and Scully are still Mulder and Scully...unless they switched identities with anybody...nah, not this episode. When Mulder asks Holman how it's going, the weatherman grins and replies, "You should try it sometime," meaning:
A) Scully now is going to have to keep the Punk away from blondes, entomologists, two-timing British women, L.A. vampire chicks, and anything else that'll cause her trouble on a full-time basis! <mutter> <grumble>
B) You are confused: wasn't Holman upset when Mulder kissed Sheila? <scratch head> <watch scene again>
C) Dana and Fox SHOULD DO IT!!! <emotion runs high> <relatives show up again with the Prozac>
25) As Judy Garland sings "Somewhere Over The Rainbow," the scene shifts ahead a year to a pleasant mid-western home as Holman talks the weather on t.v. noting how it's going to be another beautiful day. As the camera pans across the room, we see Sheila smiling and sitting there with a newborn son, and as the camera moves past them to the window showing us the fertile farmlands of our youth, we conclude:
A) With the understanding that someday Scully is going to have to come back to this town to stop the Rain Prince's temper tantrums!
B) With the realization that this is the X-Files and there are no happy endings, dammit! Don't you see that swarm of bees in the horizon? Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!...
C) With the knowledge that somewhere, out there Dana and Fox are listening to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" as they enjoy their honeymoon...<deep romantic sigh>
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who knew St. Scully would be the one to fix things between Sheila and Holman...now if she can just tell those animals lining up outside her apartment that the flooding has stopped!...
B) Then you are an X-Phile who's just noticing there's been a lot of references to the "Wizard of Oz" lately...hmm...
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who WANTS Dana and Fox gazing at each other, who WANTS Dana and Fox to hold hands, who WANTS them to kiss at a high school re-union, who <family members take away keyboard> who NEEDS another bottle of Prozac! <writer whines, "Mot-her! Not now!...">
So what you get are flying cows. Enjoy.
RAIN KING
Okay, here we go:
1) The episode begins on Valentine's Day, with someone filling out a romantic card, finishing it off with a lipstick kiss. This makes you realize:
A) That Scully would never kiss a Hallmark card...it's a waste of perfectly applied peach lipstick, dammit!
B) That you've never gotten a Valentine's Day card like that before...well, you've never gotten a Valentine's card period... Oh, God, and I thought Christmas gets so depressing... :-(
C) That if Fox is seeing some girl named Sheila on the side, Dana has no choice but to trout-slap that cheatin' bastid!
2) We watch Sheila (ex-SNL player Victoria Jackson) get into an argument with her worthless boyfriend, who ridicules her and drives off into the night drunk as a skunk. So we've got some broken hearts, half-eaten boxes of chocolate, and hail the shape of hearts (anybody who starts singing "We know that diamonds/mean money for this art/but that's not/the shape of my heart" will receive a free copy of "The Best of Sting and the Police Playing Polka Remixes by Puffy Combs!!!"). This all makes you think:
A) Bill Murray's guest appearance later on as Caddyshack Man is going to make you shut off the t.v. and toss it out the window
B) That whoever gets CancerMan a box of chocolates for Valentine's Day is going to find out what it's like to have an alien probe up the a--! (Pardon my Swedish...)
C) About how Dana and Fox are celebrating Valentine's Day this year...probably inside a pup tent with an infinite number of Bee-B-Gone spray cans! <hopeful grin>
3) After the credits roll, we fast-forward six months later (solar calendars, guys, anybody going by lunar months will be off by a few weeks!) to watch a plane buzz an airfield. The plane finally lands, letting our intrepid heroes Mulder and Scully step out to a grand welcome...of a John Deere cap-wearing mayor and one (rather good) baton twirler (they don't get much visitors around these parts, do they?). When the mayor thanks Mulder for coming and mistakes Scully as "the missus," you reply:
A) With a wrathful "That's AGENT SCULLY, you Jay-Hawking corn-eating <additional expletives deleted to protect younger viewers, but suffice to say anyone in a Navy family would understand>!!!"
B) With a disdainful "At least you don't confuse her for an airline stewardess..."
C) With a hopeful "Oh, IF ONLY!...<sigh>"
4) Scully finds out why Mulder dragged her out to the mountainous terrain of Kansas: Daryl Mootz, the bum from the opening scene, has been going around promoting himself as "The Rain King," and the mayor is convinced Daryl is controlling the weather and inducing a drought so he could then force people to pay for his skills of precipitation. As Scully keeps glancing this look at Mulder who keeps trying to glance a look of innocence back at her, you interpret it as:
A) A pre-trout-slap glance meaning "You Punk, dragging me out here on a flight that didn't even have peanuts, dammit, just to find some wannabe Weatherman!Elvis"
B) A withering "Oh, great, another small town with wacky inhabitants. Didn't we do this already with 'Post-Modern Prometheus'?"
C) A seductive "Hey, this mayor knew something I didn't! You dragged me out here to get married, didn't you? That's why he thought I was the missus, because we're honeymooning out in the Kansas wine valleys! Oh, Fox, that's so sweet..." <hopeful sigh>
5) Our heroes walk the Main Street of Kroner, KS., where Mulder points out is a center for the most bizarre weather conditions in the Midwest. Scully points out the boarded-up shops and deserted streets, reflecting on how desperate the locals are in blaming their plights on any available scapegoat or in placing dubious faith in a loser who claims to control the weather. You note:
A) That the Blessed One is really upset there are no bagel shops here, dammit!
B) That Vince Gilligan's diner seems to be doing pretty nicely here, and you wonder if he's got a chain of them between Vancouver and L.A.
C) That if the locals are expecting them to be a married couple, they ought to walk down the street holding hands! <extremely wishful grin>
6) Mulder and Scully bump into the Rain King's secretary Cindy, then make their way to the local t.v. channel to question the weatherman there. They arrive and are quickly greeted by an excited Sheila, who shepherds them forward and announces that our intrepid heroes are...the Gundersons?!?! As both agents arch eyebrows to that, you determine:
A) That you can't picture belonging to an organization named "Order of the Blessed St. Gunderson the Enigmatic"...c'mon, OBSGE just won't fly!...
B) That you just can't picture the show changing its title to "The Gundersons Versus the Mysterions"...that just won't work!
C) That Dana and Fox really ARE having a truly romantic getaway...that's just fine! ;-)
NOTE: I am not touching upon when the real Gundersons arrive. Nope. Uh-uh.
7) After quizzing weatherman Holman Hardt on the ditzy blonde, uh, ditzy weather covering the vast Kroner terrain, Mulder and Scully drive out to catch the Rain King start up another performance, strapping on an artificial leg marking the one he lost in the prologue's hailstorm, calling upon his 1/64 Cherokee heritage and drunkenly dancing to a really bad song. Scully gets her patented "Oh God Why Am I Here?" look and walks out of the tent. Mulder tries to point out that rain dances fall back on a grand native tradition, letting Scully to point out her Irish aunt has more Cherokee in her than Daryl. When Scully queries "I mean, look at him... Does that look like a man who can control the weather?" you know:
A) That the Blessed Skeptic shouldn't set herself up like that...next time, O Redheaded One, please do that while the Punk has his umbrella open...
B) That someone off-camera is having a blast with that water hose
C) That there's nothing like a romantic thundershower to get Dana and Fox in the mood...you hope! <deep sigh>
8) Okay. Two words. Bovine aviation. This means:
A) That the translation of that startled cow moo-ing during take-off comes out roughly as "OH NO NOT AGAIN." <knock on the door> <writer gets served with a restraining order from Douglas Adams' lawyer> Oh. I see. Um, people, please disregard this answer. Sorry.
B) That the commercial possibilities of bovine aviation as explored in certain Monty Python skits have yet to be perfected. <knock on the door> Oh, c'mon, you gotta let me have this one!...
C) That Fox is going to hafta share a room now with Dana! YEEEESSS! Fanfic alert! Fanfic alert! All 'Shippers, report to your keyboards!!!
9) With the dawn comes sanity...except in this town. Scully finds out the hotel managers have moved "her boyfriend's stuff" into her room. She finds Mulder, still ranting about someone using the weather to toss cows at him, getting treated for his scars, so she uses the moment to check for any sign of head trauma. Holman shows up, worried if anyone was hurt, and Sheila walks up with her mascara running as she tearfully claims she is the one responsible for the weather. All this makes you declare:
A) "Aha, so now the plot turns, as fate points its fickle finger at the ditzy blonde. And so, gentles all, can we dare say that...that...you know, talking like Shakespeare is harder than it looks..."
B) "Hey, ground sirloin is now half off at the Piggly Wiggly!"
C) "Aha, the excuses Dana has to come up with in order to make physical contact with Fox! You know if she spots a bruise she'll gently kiss the area and ask if he's all better...oh, by the way, is that a small bruise on the corner of his mouth? Yes!..."
10) Sheila gives Mulder and Scully a brief rundown of all the meteorological troubles she has had in relation to her love life: a tornado at prom, snow at her July wedding, laughing clouds on the day of her divorce, the hail of hearts, and now flying cows. Mulder and Scully keep giving each other these looks while she talks. Mulder, surprisingly, tells Sheila she's NOT the cause for the weather and asks Scully for her confirmation. As Scully glares in surprise at her partner while stammering out a "No, no doubts," you realize:
A) That Scully's shock comes from having the Punk finally - FINALLY - asking for her opinion - and ACCEPTING it - on this sort of thing! Wow!
B) That Sheila's abilities to destroy a prom just can't compete with Carrie's...
C) That those glances between Dana and Fox mean only one thing... ice cream!!! ;-)
11) Mulder notes Holman's reaction upon learning that Daryl's leg injury was due to drunk driving and not the hailstorm. Promptly, the rains that have followed the Rain King stop. ("Uh-oh.") Scully, just taking a moment to note how quickly Mulder has moved into her room (and made a pig sty of it), informs him that the rains have stopped, Daryl Mootz is now considered a fraud by the locals, and they can go home. But as Mulder starts telling her that Holman the Weatherman is the One True Rain King, you:
A) Knew that the Punk's bachelor ways were the reason why the Blessed One kept wanting separate hotel rooms.
B) Knew that the days of wine and rains would not last for the <insert Elvis accent> Rain King, thank you very much...
C) Knew that Dana and Fox weren't about to flip a coin to see who gets the bed...<wiggle eyebrows> <insert Roy Orbison growl here>
12) We watch as Holman, sad lonely Holman, speak before a mirror in a wimpish attempt to work up the nerve to ask Sheila (or should that be "beg", ladies?) to be his Rain Queen. The phone rings, and lo and behold it's Sheila, saying she has finally given up on the loutish Daryl. Holman gets excited as Sheila wants to ask him something (he starts sweating), and she asks... (his heart is pounding) "What do you think of Agent Mulder?" At that point you shout at the screen:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) "Uh-oh. RUN Fox RUNNNNN!!!" <lightning flash> "And don't hold that umbrella too high!!!"
13) Mulder shows up at the t.v. station to confront a miffed Holman. The FBI agent tells the weatherman that he knows Holman is the Rain King, but that his control of the weather is based on his emotional state: his bottled-up feelings for Sheila is what's causing the drought, and until he tells her it'll stay that way. Holman, however, can't work up the nerve and begs Mulder for help. Scully calls from the airport: fog (Holman's desperation) has grounded the planes. Mulder explains to Scully they're stuck in town until he can give Holman dating advice. When you hear the silence on the other end of the phone, you realize:
A) That the Blessed Skeptic knows the Punk too well: asking Mulder for dating advice is like asking Dr. Kervorkian to cure your headache!
B) That you're hoping to get some dating advice as well...<writer of survey counts the years since last date> <weeps> C'mon, David, talk!...
C) That Dana's wondering if she and Fox should provide demonstrations on such techniques as hand-holding and wistful-gazing and lip-locking...especially lip-locking!!! <wicked sigh>
14) SCULLY: Mulder, when was the last time you went on a date? MULDER (miffed): I...will talk to you...later. SCULLY (look of disbelief): The blind leading the blind... YOU:
A) "You said it, sister!"
B) "Well, there was that vampire chick from Season Two...and Bambi, if you could call that dating...and Kersh's secretary, well that was actually somebody else...oh, there's Phoebe...<very long pause> uh-oh..."
C) "It doesn't have to stay that way, Dana!" <weep> <gnash teeth>
15) Mulder and Holman talk about the birds and the bees (No, NOT THE BEES) and the monkey babies. HOLMAN: I've been envious of men like you my whole life. Based on your physical bearing, I'd assumed you were...more experienced. I mean... You spend every day with Agent Scully a beautiful, enchanting woman. And you two never, uh...? Mulder just stands there in silence. HOLMAN: I...confess I find that shocking. I've seen how you two gaze at one another... YOU:
A) "That's not gazing. Scully's just fixing her aim so she can hit him with a trout every time he drags her out to the boonies to investigate flying cows!"
B) "They're not gazing. They're telepathically telling one another about this great bagel shop just off of State Road 819!!! They'll be stopping by next episode!"
C) "You're not the only one, Holman! We're all shocked and disappointed! Damn bees!"
16) Mulder doesn't answer Holman's queries regarding the agent's relationship with Scully. He's just here to help the One True Rain King flirt with Sheila. Mulder proclaims that he's "perfectly happy with my relationship with Agent Scully," which leads to this kind of response:
A) "What relationship? You don't let her drive, didn't let her have a desk in the basement, you kept taking her parking space, stole her bags of peanuts during those long flights, and never gave her a chance to get those bagels she likes with cream cheese! Damn Punk!"
B) "Hey! If he's acting like a psychologist this episode, why wasn't he one last episode?!" <writer: yep, Chris Carter and Co., we will be ragging you on that flagrant continuity error for the rest of the year. Enjoy!>
C) "We're not happy! <weep> <wail> <gnash teeth> Fox! It's so obvious everybody else sees it! You and Dana were meant for each other! <continue weeping>"
BONUS: Mulder adds he does not "gaze" at Scully.
A) This doesn't cause you any difficulty
B) You shrug this off, doesn't bother you at all
C) You weep, pull out your hair, destroy the 1,000-page romantic novel you were writing of Dana and Fox getting personal in a cabin during a winter storm, bewail the dashing of all your hopes, and collapse in the bathtub crying your eyes out until your relatives shove some Prozac down your throat
17) Holman tries to tell Sheila. Sheila is oblivious to Holman's "I love you" and instead focuses on Mulder. Daryl, no longer earning income as a Rain King, is desperate to get back together with Sheila. Complications ensue. Especially when Sheila kisses Mulder. Your response:
A) Echoes that of Scully: arched eyebrows, false look of shock, a sign that she's going to blab about it over the water cooler meaning you can snicker about it on the next session of the #OBSSE chat room...especially with that lipstick all over his face...<snicker>
B) Sticking your tongue out with a "Thhhpt!" C'mon, you're sure you saw this before on an episode from the "Monkees"!!!
C) Is to run back to the bathtub for more crying. These damn blondes keep kissing Fox! Nooooo...
18) Mulder and Scully crash the Kroner High School re-union, as the rains of Holman's anger over Sheila's kissing of Mulder flood the countryside. They argue with Holman to make the rains stop. Holman argues that this is Mulder's fault for "kissing" Sheila. You reply:
A) "Well, he's got you there, Mulder. Here, Holman, just slap him with this trout..."
B) "You call that a kiss? I didn't see any tongue!"
C) "We know, we know! <weep> <run for the bathtub>"
19) Sheila arrives blissfully unaware of the situation, eager to dance with Mulder. Mulder stammers until Scully notes that "Holman was just telling us that he wanted to dance." As Sheila gets the hint, you realize:
A) That the Blessed Redhead is the one who knows the dating rules! You go, girl!
B) That Mulder, like most white guys, just simply can't dance to 70s music, uh-uh, no way...
C) That Dana is doing what she can to keep Fox all to herself! Yay!!! <sigh of relief>
20) Mulder tries one last trick he learned in psychology school: he growls "Tell her, Holman!" You growl:
A) "Oh, yeah, you stayed awake in all those classes you took at Oxford, uh-huh, sure..."
B) "Cerulean! Oh, wait, you need psychic powers for that to work..."
C) "Tell HER, Fox! YOU tell Dana YOU LOVE HER, okay???"
21) Ah, the things we do for love. Mulder and Scully sway to the music as they watch Holman finally get through to Sheila. When she storms off, Mulder quips "I'll build the ark, you gather the animals." You respond to this scene by:
A) Quoting from the Gospel of Sister La: "Yea, verily, did the Blessed One gather the animals by two, for two is the number and thou shalt only count up to two. And thus did St. Scully bring the animals to be saved, and The Creator Carter was pleased. And they gathered in the spot where Mulder was to build the ark, and they saw it was built. And then did Scully, with the blessedness of her righteousness, seize upon the two trout brought with her. And with this trout she slapped the Punk, saying, 'Oh Lord, let me shew thee thy foolish ways, for you see a single piece of formica bought for $42.99 at Home Depot maketh a raft and not an ark!'..."
B) Piping up your very own love song on your CD player: Dead Kennedys "Too Drunk To F---!" Yeah! <begin slam dancing with your loved one(s)>
C) Swaying back and forth with your fellow 'Shippers across the globe, hoping that this might somehow spark an emotional moment between Moose and Squirrel...<big swaying sigh>
22) Scully finds an upset Sheila in the bathroom. Sheila's convinced that Scully is trying to use Holman to keep Sheila from getting to Mulder. Scully notes "her partner's" theory (yeah, you just tell yourself that, Scully) that Holman's emotions control the weather and that his love for Sheila is behind all the bizarre storms. Scully tries to explain the ways of love (So THANKS to Tiny Dancer and CarriK for the transcript): "Well, it seems to me that the best relationships-- the ones that last-- are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with." (Nice speech) You answer with a:
A) "But in Mulder's case, the switch is probably connected to Old Sparky, Florida's electric chair!" <zap>
B) "What? You mean I have to make friends with a woman first? Damn! And all those times I went up to the ladies with a 'Hi there, talk to me, I'm FABULOUS' wasn't working!..."
C) "Somebody! Find that switch! Turn it on! HIT THE SWITCHHH!"
23) The lights go out, the plumbing gets backed up, and Sheila and Holman finally have a heart-to-heart talk. And, aw, they kiss. The flooding ends, the rains cease, and the sparklers flare up. Aw, so romantic. Which makes you wonder:
A) How Scully could weasel her way out of being the maid of honor at the wedding...well, after all, do you know how hideous those maids-of-honor outfits can GET?!
B) Why did they still hold the re-union when the weather was so bad? Wouldn't they have needed the gym for an emergency shelter or something?
C) What will it be like when Dana and Fox finally kiss?! Oh, WOW, just thinking about it boggles the mind!...<faint>
24) Like a Shakespearean play, all are reconciled at the end: The Rain King has his Queen, the false King learns his lesson, gets his leg and his true love Cindy, and Mulder and Scully are still Mulder and Scully...unless they switched identities with anybody...nah, not this episode. When Mulder asks Holman how it's going, the weatherman grins and replies, "You should try it sometime," meaning:
A) Scully now is going to have to keep the Punk away from blondes, entomologists, two-timing British women, L.A. vampire chicks, and anything else that'll cause her trouble on a full-time basis! <mutter> <grumble>
B) You are confused: wasn't Holman upset when Mulder kissed Sheila? <scratch head> <watch scene again>
C) Dana and Fox SHOULD DO IT!!! <emotion runs high> <relatives show up again with the Prozac>
25) As Judy Garland sings "Somewhere Over The Rainbow," the scene shifts ahead a year to a pleasant mid-western home as Holman talks the weather on t.v. noting how it's going to be another beautiful day. As the camera pans across the room, we see Sheila smiling and sitting there with a newborn son, and as the camera moves past them to the window showing us the fertile farmlands of our youth, we conclude:
A) With the understanding that someday Scully is going to have to come back to this town to stop the Rain Prince's temper tantrums!
B) With the realization that this is the X-Files and there are no happy endings, dammit! Don't you see that swarm of bees in the horizon? Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!...
C) With the knowledge that somewhere, out there Dana and Fox are listening to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" as they enjoy their honeymoon...<deep romantic sigh>
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who knew St. Scully would be the one to fix things between Sheila and Holman...now if she can just tell those animals lining up outside her apartment that the flooding has stopped!...
B) Then you are an X-Phile who's just noticing there's been a lot of references to the "Wizard of Oz" lately...hmm...
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who WANTS Dana and Fox gazing at each other, who WANTS Dana and Fox to hold hands, who WANTS them to kiss at a high school re-union, who <family members take away keyboard> who NEEDS another bottle of Prozac! <writer whines, "Mot-her! Not now!...">
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