Well, actually I do:
1) Not enough time today to write a brand-new 'Shipper survey, so I'm pasting in a recap back from Season Five whence I wrote it;
2) I think the cyberpunk genre maestro William Gibson favorited a Tweet I posted last night, so I'm kinda in a fanboy OMG mood, and Gibson is the one who wrote this episode.
So, traveling back through time to the heady days of 1998, when computers were on Windows 98, RAM was measured in MB, tablets were how we figured out our pill dosages, Apple was coming out with these colorful little all-in-one machines called iMacs, and we were all still waiting for the hoverboards Back to the Future movies promised us for 2015... sigh...
Additional notes: this is still early in my career as a 'Shipper Survey writer, so the questions - and the jokes - don't go into as much detail as the later ones. Also, I go with calling Mulder and Scully by their last names in the C) 'Shipping answers, I won't switch to first-names Fox and Dana until later. Silly me. Anyway, here we go!
Senseless Shipper Survey- Kill Switch
1) As the episode begins in a darkened cafe, your first thought was:
A) Does Scully drink decaf?
B) Odd, absolutely none of the businesses shown on the X-Files seem to pay their electric bills
C) This would be a great place for Moose and Squirrel to meet for a late-night coffee chat
2) Scully winces in the driver's seat as Mulder pulls out smuggled evidence. He finds a CD and plops it into the Ford Taurus' disc player. As the music flows and the lights blink, your thought was:
A) A-ha! Scully gets to be in the driver's seat!!!
B) Gee, my Ford Taurus doesn't have a disc player...:(
C) "Twilight Time?" Gee, it's the perfect excuse for Scully and Mulder to crawl into the backseat...;-)
3) The cybergrrl Invisigoth has just told our intrepid heroes about artificial-intelligence superviruses, DOD orbital platforms, and a few other end-of-the-world stuff. Scully pulls the car over so she and Mulder can argue out in the open. Your response is:
A) To congratulate the Enigmatic One for her excellent driving skills, even though it's hard to see her explain away the "orbiting platform" stuff since something DID blow up Invisigoth's berth
B) To wonder why they left a suspect, even one in handcuffs, able to roam about and possibly flee
C) To be satisfied that Mulder and Scully are comfortable enough in their relationship to hold their discussions (which we all know is how they really flirt!) in full view of other people
4) Mulder and Scully bring Invisigoth to the suddenly perky and gleeful Lone Gunmen. Did you:
A) Emulate the Enigmatic One's eye-rolling as "Esther" shamelessly humiliated the obviously overwhelmed Gunguys
B) Wonder if Invisigoth really can type with her tongue
C) Thank Frohike for focusing on someone else "really hot," so that Fox and Dana can fall in love with no interference on his part (note: I think this is where I start doing it, but not consistently...)
5) Scully lets her guard down and Esther uses her gun to take them to a hidden location. During these tense moments, did you:
A) Overlook Scully's mistake of keeping her gun out in the open and pray that she will escape Esther and kick ass
B) Think Esther should have done a better job cloaking her voice over the cel phone by using electronic scramblers
C) Want Scully to say, "Mulder, I'm in a hostage situation, so I might not see you again, so let me tell you that I...I...trust you, Fox..."
6) Esther finds only the smoking ruins left by an orbiting platform. Just as Scully is about to break free, the cybergrrl breaks down and talks about being in a relationship so intense it moved beyond mere flesh. Your response was:
A) "Damn! Just as Scully was about to smoke another blonde, the cyberbitch has to turn out human and sympathetic!"
B) "Hey! The safety was on all the time!"
C) "Okay, Scully's silence during the rhetorical question about relationships merely affirms that she DOES know what it's like to be in an intense shared relationship that moves beyond mere flesh. Thank God!"
7) Mulder has let his guard down, and has been given massive electrical shocks. He awakes in a hospital with busty nurses and serious cutting tools. Your response is:
A) "His doctor is Scully? She should get paid for overtime, man..."
B) "Red right hand, you can have. Just don't ask about your red left hand, though..."
C) "Forget the cutting tools! What's with the nurses? Mulder!..."
8) Two words: Nurse Nancy. Your first thought was:
A) "Scully can kick her blonde ass any day!"
B) "Wasn't that the title of the, ahem, adult film that got PeeWee Herman in hot water with the Sarasota police force?"
C) "This wouldn't happen, Mulder, if you stop purchasing all those porno tapes- which, by the way, the supervirus traced and used in this holographic simulation- and started focusing on a pure, intense relationship that moves beyond mere flesh with a certain redheaded partner of yours..."
9) SWAT!Scully arrives and proves she spent her youth watching Avengers re-runs by kicking ass Emma Peel style. Did you:
A) Cheer at the graceful way she kicked ass while wearing high heels
B) Note that this was all a computer-generated fantasy anyway, and that Scully probably doesn't kick ass in high heels
C) Thank God Mulder's fantasy was moving away from those silly, underdressed nurses and toward a fully functional, intelligent, strong doctor/warrior who just happens to be incredibly beautiful...
10) The real Scully arrives to rescue Mulder, but as they turn to go she sees Invisigoth logging into the VR system to merge/battle with the supervirus. Your final thought was:
A) So Scully may have been wrong about orbiting platforms and artificial intelligence. At least she can shoot straight in this reality and kick ass in virtual reality!...
B) "Bite me"?!?! Shouldn't Esther, uh Invisigoth, have used the cornier "Byte me" as a better send-off?!?!
C) Does true love, even love that moves beyond mere flesh, prevail? It better!!!...
If you more often than not answered:
A) then you are an OBSSEr who's happy Scully got to do all the driving this episode
B) then you're a marginal computer user, someone who knows how to operate a mouse and play "Tomb Raider II," but completely in the dark when it comes to T3s, encryptions, and superviruses
C) then you are a 'Shipper who was worried for a while about Mulder's "obsession" with porn but thinks his virtual nightmare will, uh, amputate his need for adult video and force him to interact on a human level, hopefully by taking Scully for some coffee to that diner...;-) ;-) ;-)
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