I'm honestly underwhelmed.
The introduction of teenaged William as an illusion-casting self-healing Mutant was slightly unexpected in the middle of what started out as a Monster of the Week (Ghouli), and it seemed part of a disjointed plot to bring some cohesion to a muddled MythArc that had spiraled out of control.
There was a lot of plot ideas thrown at the screen in a 60-minute episode - which begged whether this should have been one of the epic two-parters that informed the MythArc episodes from Season Two forward - and because of that I felt the character development for William went nowhere. He was not given enough time on-screen to show depth.
Although if Smoking Man is his biological father, he's taking after his old man by double-dating and two-timing multiple girls at one time.
Damn that biological urge to breed.
Showing posts with label mytharc. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mytharc. Show all posts
Saturday, February 3, 2018
Friday, April 15, 2016
X-Files: Redux II Senseless 'Shipper Survey
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES...
(insane amount of sweaty moaning, groaning bodies entwined in passion as... oh wait, that's the porn parody. My bad)
PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL X-FILES...
It's a Mytharc episode where Mulder fakes his death, Scully tries to expose a traitor within the ranks of the FBI, Skinner flirts shamelessly with his fanbase, and everyone else is waiting for the Big Movie that's due to arrive after Season Five.
And now, onto the third part of a three-episode cliffhanger!
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: REDUX II The Quickening!
1) The episode begins with Mulder and Scully enjoying themselves at a picnic. You respond by:
A) Finding the writer of this survey and slapping him with a trout
B) Shaking your head because you're damn sure you've never seen that happen
C) Tasking Fox for bringing chips when Dana specifically asked him to make potato salad
2) Okay, really, the episode begins with Mulder stumbling into a hospital where no one will tell him where Scully is. Skinner appears to chew him out, and drags Mulder away from a comatose Scully. You:
A) Pull out your Holy Tissue Paper and pray for the Blessed One
B) Flash back to "One Breath" and worry that Chris Carter and Co. are repeating themselves
C) Bask with the knowledge that Fox's over-reaction to Dana's health proves he loves her
3) Mulder gets called to the carpet, after faking his death and becoming a prime suspect in the shooting death of the DOD agent that spied on him. Meanwhile, CancerMan also gets called in by the Elder, who warns that Mulder had seen too much of their operations. As the plot thickens, you take the time to:
A) Pour yourself a Scullyrita and prepare for the movie, coming to all theaters June 19, at which point Gillian Anderson will become the first performer to win an Emmy AND Oscar for playing the same character
B) Count the hours and minutes for the movie, coming to all theaters June 19, at which point it'll leave behind such wimpy films like Godzilla and Truman Show in the dust
C) Count the hours and minutes for the movie, coming to all theaters June 19, at which point we'll all see Dana and Fox finally DO IT
4) Mulder checks in on Scully to see how she's doing. They talk about what they found, with Mulder admitting he found no cure and Scully worried that Skinner is the traitor. When Scully offers to let herself take the blame for the DOD agent's death with the words, "If I can save you, let me," you react by:
A) Whooping up a storm in high praise for the Enigmatic One, who's willing to redeem the Punk with her gallant noble sacrifice
B) Sewing up a few voodoo dolls of the Emmy judges who failed to hand over the Best Drama award last time around
C) Cursing Fox for that kiss on Dana's cheek when there was a better target, like HER LIPS...Dammit, two inches to the left and it would have been BLISS!....
5) Mulder finally meets Scully's older brother, Bill Jr. When you size up the animosity between the two, you realize:
A) That both the Punk and the OBIE (Older Brother Incarnate Evil) deserve to get trout-slapped by Mama Scully
B) That the ER unit's gonna hafta show up soon to get Mulder's shoe out of Bill's ass
C) That Fox and Dana shouldn't expect any wedding present from her brother
6) CancerMan arrives to offer Mulder information: that he did indeed find Scully's cure in that vial from Redux I. Mulder returns to the Lone Gunmen, who find a microchip similar to the one Scully removed all the way back in Season Three. He returns it to Scully, who has to listen to her brother's objections and doctor's warning before making her decision. You:
A) Chant, "Damn right it's her decision!"
B) Chant, "Kick Bill's ass, Mulder!"
C) Chant, "Clear out the doctors and relatives, Dana, and use that bed with Fox!"
7) CancerMan tempts Mulder some more, this time by bringing back his sister Samantha, who claims that CSM is her father. As Mulder poignantly grips her hand in that diner, refusing to let her go, you realize:
A) The Punk's going to need truckloads of psych evaluation after this episode's over
B) Mulder just wants her to stay and try some of that damn good cherry pie shipped in from Twin Peaks
C) That Fox should invite her to the hospital to meet Dana and her family, and hopefully help him kick Bill's ass
8) Mulder quietly returns to the hospital and with tears in his eyes begins chewing at Scully's hand. You:
A) Want the Enigmatic One to wake up and trout-slap him
B) Wonder if Scully literally tastes like strawberries
C) Wish Fox would chew on Dana's lower lip instead, gently stirring her from her respite as she wraps an arm around his neck, drawing him closer to her as their mouths touch, as his hands slowly, oh so slowly moves along her stomach right up to her (deleted to protect younger viewers)
9) Scully meets with her mom, tears in her eyes. She confronts the moment of her mortality by questioning why she still wears her cross when she had denied her faith until now. As Scully questions her need for faith, you realize:
A) That Scully has now confirmed her sainthood and that the Vatican should begin the beafication process right now!!!
B) That Scully's really upset about these teethmarks on her arm
C) That Mrs. Scully really introduced her daughter Dana to that priest in Gethsemane so she can organize that impending wedding with Fox (hopeful grin)
10) CancerMan makes the offer to Mulder: Quit the FBI and work for him. Mulder says "no deal." You:
A) Recognize the moral victory and decide he's not such a Punk after all
B) Wonder if CancerMan will add to the temptation by offering a free lifetime subscription to Romana Clef magazine
C) Know Fox will go from this meeting straight to that jewelry store you're sure you spotted in the background so he can pick up that diamond ring he's had on order for two months (hopeful grin)
11) Okay, you've defeated the Rancor Beast and have escaped into the main hallway with your lightsaber. You're looking for a Droid Arm that'll help you open one of the locked doors at the other end of the hall. At this point you:
A) Trout-slap the survey writer and tell him to stop playing "Mysteries of the Sith" dammit!
B) Find the room with the conveyor belt and find the Droid Arm there, then slash at the grate below you to sneak into a Secret Area
C) Wonder if Mara Jade and Luke Skywalker would ever do it (P.S. Mara, make sure Luke doesn't have a tail, okay???)
12) Okay, back to the show. Blevins calls Mulder back to the carpet and offers a deal for Mulder to betray Skinner. You realize:
A) That after that close-up of the Elder, you can tell Scully that it wasn't him who left the teethmarks (Sheesh! You'd think the conspiracy would pay for a decent dental plan!...)
B) That now it's too obvious that Blevins is the mole and that he's going to get his ass kicked...right after Mulder whups Bill Jr's ass, that is...
C) That after all these deals and betrayals, it's good to know that Dana and Fox "trust" each other so well...(grateful sigh)...
13) Mulder and Scully meet one last time before he must go to the investigating committee. Mulder confides that he turned down a deal knowing Scully would argue against his accepting it. Scully clasps his hand and whispers that he will be in her prayers. You:
A) Know the Punk will be okay, because the Enigmatic One's prayers get to the Head Office Upstairs ASAP!
B) Know now that deal Mulder was offered doesn't have a decent dental plan
C) Know that priest was really there to perform an impromptu wedding...(deep sigh)...
14) Mulder goes before the committee, making his big speech about the conspiracy against the American people. He declares Blevins is the traitor in the FBI. As everybody runs about, with Blevins killed by his lackey and CancerMan shot by Quiet Willy, you shout:
A) "Go get 'em, Punk!"
B) "That's Brisk, baby!" (Sorry, saw the ad a moment ago...)
C) "Fox, get back to that hospital bed and get that priest to marry you and Dana NOW!"
15) Skinner finds Mulder waiting outside Scully's hospital room. They share information: Blevins is dead, CancerMan was shot but there's no body, and Scully's cancer is in remission. As Skinner tries to smile at an apologetic Scully and as Mulder stares at a photo of Samantha and cries, you end the episode by:
A) Knowing Scully would never die...after all, that's what Clyde said!
B) Pondering how CancerMan survived the shooting
C) Wishing we can see Dana and Fox celebrating over a bottle of red wine and sob stories about prom nights...(deep sigh)...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who knew the Enigmatic One would rise again
B) Then you are an X-Phile who really needs the cheat codes to get through the "Mysteries of the Sith" game
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's glad Dana and Fox know how to kiss each other on the cheek, but we want lips locking, dammit!!!
P.S. You know, an X-Files game like "Quake" and "Jedi Knight" wouldn't be all that bad!...
(Note: As this is 2016, I'm pretty sure an X-Files MMO would be more awesome!)
(insane amount of sweaty moaning, groaning bodies entwined in passion as... oh wait, that's the porn parody. My bad)
PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL X-FILES...
It's a Mytharc episode where Mulder fakes his death, Scully tries to expose a traitor within the ranks of the FBI, Skinner flirts shamelessly with his fanbase, and everyone else is waiting for the Big Movie that's due to arrive after Season Five.
And now, onto the third part of a three-episode cliffhanger!
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: REDUX II The Quickening!
1) The episode begins with Mulder and Scully enjoying themselves at a picnic. You respond by:
A) Finding the writer of this survey and slapping him with a trout
B) Shaking your head because you're damn sure you've never seen that happen
C) Tasking Fox for bringing chips when Dana specifically asked him to make potato salad
2) Okay, really, the episode begins with Mulder stumbling into a hospital where no one will tell him where Scully is. Skinner appears to chew him out, and drags Mulder away from a comatose Scully. You:
A) Pull out your Holy Tissue Paper and pray for the Blessed One
B) Flash back to "One Breath" and worry that Chris Carter and Co. are repeating themselves
C) Bask with the knowledge that Fox's over-reaction to Dana's health proves he loves her
3) Mulder gets called to the carpet, after faking his death and becoming a prime suspect in the shooting death of the DOD agent that spied on him. Meanwhile, CancerMan also gets called in by the Elder, who warns that Mulder had seen too much of their operations. As the plot thickens, you take the time to:
A) Pour yourself a Scullyrita and prepare for the movie, coming to all theaters June 19, at which point Gillian Anderson will become the first performer to win an Emmy AND Oscar for playing the same character
B) Count the hours and minutes for the movie, coming to all theaters June 19, at which point it'll leave behind such wimpy films like Godzilla and Truman Show in the dust
C) Count the hours and minutes for the movie, coming to all theaters June 19, at which point we'll all see Dana and Fox finally DO IT
4) Mulder checks in on Scully to see how she's doing. They talk about what they found, with Mulder admitting he found no cure and Scully worried that Skinner is the traitor. When Scully offers to let herself take the blame for the DOD agent's death with the words, "If I can save you, let me," you react by:
A) Whooping up a storm in high praise for the Enigmatic One, who's willing to redeem the Punk with her gallant noble sacrifice
B) Sewing up a few voodoo dolls of the Emmy judges who failed to hand over the Best Drama award last time around
C) Cursing Fox for that kiss on Dana's cheek when there was a better target, like HER LIPS...Dammit, two inches to the left and it would have been BLISS!....
5) Mulder finally meets Scully's older brother, Bill Jr. When you size up the animosity between the two, you realize:
A) That both the Punk and the OBIE (Older Brother Incarnate Evil) deserve to get trout-slapped by Mama Scully
B) That the ER unit's gonna hafta show up soon to get Mulder's shoe out of Bill's ass
C) That Fox and Dana shouldn't expect any wedding present from her brother
6) CancerMan arrives to offer Mulder information: that he did indeed find Scully's cure in that vial from Redux I. Mulder returns to the Lone Gunmen, who find a microchip similar to the one Scully removed all the way back in Season Three. He returns it to Scully, who has to listen to her brother's objections and doctor's warning before making her decision. You:
A) Chant, "Damn right it's her decision!"
B) Chant, "Kick Bill's ass, Mulder!"
C) Chant, "Clear out the doctors and relatives, Dana, and use that bed with Fox!"
7) CancerMan tempts Mulder some more, this time by bringing back his sister Samantha, who claims that CSM is her father. As Mulder poignantly grips her hand in that diner, refusing to let her go, you realize:
A) The Punk's going to need truckloads of psych evaluation after this episode's over
B) Mulder just wants her to stay and try some of that damn good cherry pie shipped in from Twin Peaks
C) That Fox should invite her to the hospital to meet Dana and her family, and hopefully help him kick Bill's ass
8) Mulder quietly returns to the hospital and with tears in his eyes begins chewing at Scully's hand. You:
A) Want the Enigmatic One to wake up and trout-slap him
B) Wonder if Scully literally tastes like strawberries
C) Wish Fox would chew on Dana's lower lip instead, gently stirring her from her respite as she wraps an arm around his neck, drawing him closer to her as their mouths touch, as his hands slowly, oh so slowly moves along her stomach right up to her (deleted to protect younger viewers)
9) Scully meets with her mom, tears in her eyes. She confronts the moment of her mortality by questioning why she still wears her cross when she had denied her faith until now. As Scully questions her need for faith, you realize:
A) That Scully has now confirmed her sainthood and that the Vatican should begin the beafication process right now!!!
B) That Scully's really upset about these teethmarks on her arm
C) That Mrs. Scully really introduced her daughter Dana to that priest in Gethsemane so she can organize that impending wedding with Fox (hopeful grin)
10) CancerMan makes the offer to Mulder: Quit the FBI and work for him. Mulder says "no deal." You:
A) Recognize the moral victory and decide he's not such a Punk after all
B) Wonder if CancerMan will add to the temptation by offering a free lifetime subscription to Romana Clef magazine
C) Know Fox will go from this meeting straight to that jewelry store you're sure you spotted in the background so he can pick up that diamond ring he's had on order for two months (hopeful grin)
11) Okay, you've defeated the Rancor Beast and have escaped into the main hallway with your lightsaber. You're looking for a Droid Arm that'll help you open one of the locked doors at the other end of the hall. At this point you:
A) Trout-slap the survey writer and tell him to stop playing "Mysteries of the Sith" dammit!
B) Find the room with the conveyor belt and find the Droid Arm there, then slash at the grate below you to sneak into a Secret Area
C) Wonder if Mara Jade and Luke Skywalker would ever do it (P.S. Mara, make sure Luke doesn't have a tail, okay???)
12) Okay, back to the show. Blevins calls Mulder back to the carpet and offers a deal for Mulder to betray Skinner. You realize:
A) That after that close-up of the Elder, you can tell Scully that it wasn't him who left the teethmarks (Sheesh! You'd think the conspiracy would pay for a decent dental plan!...)
B) That now it's too obvious that Blevins is the mole and that he's going to get his ass kicked...right after Mulder whups Bill Jr's ass, that is...
C) That after all these deals and betrayals, it's good to know that Dana and Fox "trust" each other so well...(grateful sigh)...
13) Mulder and Scully meet one last time before he must go to the investigating committee. Mulder confides that he turned down a deal knowing Scully would argue against his accepting it. Scully clasps his hand and whispers that he will be in her prayers. You:
A) Know the Punk will be okay, because the Enigmatic One's prayers get to the Head Office Upstairs ASAP!
B) Know now that deal Mulder was offered doesn't have a decent dental plan
C) Know that priest was really there to perform an impromptu wedding...(deep sigh)...
14) Mulder goes before the committee, making his big speech about the conspiracy against the American people. He declares Blevins is the traitor in the FBI. As everybody runs about, with Blevins killed by his lackey and CancerMan shot by Quiet Willy, you shout:
A) "Go get 'em, Punk!"
B) "That's Brisk, baby!" (Sorry, saw the ad a moment ago...)
C) "Fox, get back to that hospital bed and get that priest to marry you and Dana NOW!"
15) Skinner finds Mulder waiting outside Scully's hospital room. They share information: Blevins is dead, CancerMan was shot but there's no body, and Scully's cancer is in remission. As Skinner tries to smile at an apologetic Scully and as Mulder stares at a photo of Samantha and cries, you end the episode by:
A) Knowing Scully would never die...after all, that's what Clyde said!
B) Pondering how CancerMan survived the shooting
C) Wishing we can see Dana and Fox celebrating over a bottle of red wine and sob stories about prom nights...(deep sigh)...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who knew the Enigmatic One would rise again
B) Then you are an X-Phile who really needs the cheat codes to get through the "Mysteries of the Sith" game
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's glad Dana and Fox know how to kiss each other on the cheek, but we want lips locking, dammit!!!
P.S. You know, an X-Files game like "Quake" and "Jedi Knight" wouldn't be all that bad!...
(Note: As this is 2016, I'm pretty sure an X-Files MMO would be more awesome!)
Thursday, April 14, 2016
X-Files: Redux Part I 'Shipper Survey
One of the things we get with season openers are the oversized Mytharc episodes, where there's so much conspiracy to unpack that they split the stories up into a season-ending cliffhanger the previous year and an exhausting two-parter the next.
Season Five opened up with a big one, as this was the season that everyone knew was prologuing towards the big screen Movie, so a lot had to be addressed.
As a reminder to the readers here, Season Five is when I started the 'Shipper Survey posts on alt.tv.x-files so the number of questions here is smaller than it would be for the later Mytharc / 'Shipper-friendly episodes. That said, here goes...
X-Files 'Shipper Survey: REDUX
Well, I missed this the first time around, since I really started these with "Detour," but thank God for re-runs, ya?
1) As the episode begins with a flashback to "Gethsemane" and leads into Mulder discovering his upstairs neighbor is a bit of a snoop, you realize:
A) That the Punk should have noticed earlier the sawdust on the floor from where the hole was drilled
B) That Mulder wasn't going to kill himself because he hadn't returned "Sorority Sex Kittens II" to the rental store yet
C) That the guy upstairs must have about two months worth of video proving Dana and Fox did a lot of...um, hand-holding...(very wicked grin)
2) Scully returns to her apartment, checks her answering machine ("You have zero messages") and goes to change her clothes. As she pulls at her shirt, we hear Mulder whisper in the shadows, "Take it off, FBI woman." You:
A) Want Scully to hit the Punk with a Holy Trout, not only because he snuck into her apartment but most likely erased all of the messages left by Scully's mom
B) Wonder why Scully didn't see Mulder's car out front
C) Wish Dana would plop a Sarah McLachlan CD into the player and slowly -seductively- strip to that cool song "Wait"...deeeeeep sigh...
3) Mulder reveals he killed the guy upstairs, and that he has evidence someone in the FBI has set them up all these years. As he asks Scully to lie for him, you decide:
A) That the Blessed One would lie is a complex issue that must be investigated at the next #OBSSE chat this Friday
B) That when the credits for the guy who plays Blevins (Charles Cioffi) flashed on the screen, you figured out who the inside leak was!
C) That Dana and Fox are going to have to hug now because it looks like they're splitting up to chase different clues for the rest of the episode (Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...)
4) Skinner confronts Scully about the apparent suicide of Mulder. You realize:
A) That the SRE she just used on her boss doesn't sound as convincing as the ones she's used in Darin Morgan episodes
B) That Mulder's neighbors must be grateful that the bastard's finally gone...I mean, all those shootings, all those dead bodies, all that basketball bouncing, sheesh!...
C) That Walter's looking at Dana the wrong way...Nooooooooooo!...
5) Scully goes to the basement office and checks with the internal telephone operators about the phone numbers leading to the inside leak. As Holly from "Pusher" gives help and consolation, you:
A) Want the Blessed One to kick that nameplate off Mulder's desk and put hers in its place
B) Scream at Holly to run because the producers have this bad habit of killing off all the cute, young FBI agents who help out
C) Wait for Dana to admit to her friend, "Yeah, well, thank you for your concern, you know...I just...I "trusted" him...(sniff) (sniff)..." **
6) The guy who tipped off Scully and Mulder about the alien autopsy hoax, Kritschgau, meets Mulder in the DOD offices and escorts him through the building, all the while expounding on the history of government cover-ups. While pictures of various military projects, experiments, nuclear tests, quickly flash on the screen to supplement the ongoing narration, you:
A) Know St. Scully will appear shortly to give a medical warning for possible epileptic seizures
B) Realize the editors from Oliver Stone's "JFK" have taken over the post-production of this episode
C) Believe you caught a "Blink-And-You'll-Miss-It" shot of Dana and Fox at a wedding
7) Skinner confronts Scully, revealing the lie about the dead man in Mulder's apartment. Scully confronts Skinner, convinced for some reason that Skinner is the inside leak. Your response is:
A) To worry that Psychic!Scully's powers may be waning as her cancer kills her
B) To worry that your bet about Blevins being the leak might not pay off
C) To worry that Dana's not taking the time to call Fox with the message "I'm fine"
8) Mulder finds CancerMan's closet. While he's looking for a cure for Scully, you wish:
A) That the Punk would find some holy water so Autumn can bless more trout with it
B) That he'd find a wooden box marked "Tanis Artifact RE: Dr. Jones, H. - Classified 1936" with something humming inside
C) That not only will he find a cure for Dana but he'll also find a diamond ring and the courage to offer it to her...deep sigh...
9) Mulder escapes from the underground passageways holding what may be the cure for Scully's cancer. But as he leaves, CancerMan steps from the shadows oddly smiling. You scream out:
A) "Oh NO! The Punk's grabbed the wrong thing!"
B) "Oh NO! That building has no "No Smoking" policy!"
C) "Oh NO! Fox didn't find that diamond ring!"
10) We see Scully as she was in "Gethsemane" before Blevins' committee. As she tries to reveal her conclusion that Skinner is the traitor, blood drips from her nose and she collapses. We cut to the Lone Gunmen testing the contents of the vial found by Mulder, but they discover it's only de-ionized water. As the episode concludes with a "To Be Continued" message, you:
A) Pull out your Holy Handkerchiefs and pray for the Blessed One's recovery
B) Sigh and wait for the final chapter which apparently has CancerMan saying, "Join Me, Fox, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son"
C) Weep that Fox wasn't there to console Dana in her hour of need
** Author's note: I think by now EVERY X-Phile (and not just the 'Shippers) knows that "trust" means "love" where Mulder and Scully are concerned...deep sigh...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who's convinced Scully was going to say to the committee members watching her nose bleed, "I'm fine, really..."
B) Then you are an X-Phile who's already tired of repeats this summer and can't wait for the movie...hurry up!...
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's upset that Dana and Fox didn't strip for each other when they had the chance...sigh...
So who wants to see Redux Part II Survey?! ...Anyone...?
Season Five opened up with a big one, as this was the season that everyone knew was prologuing towards the big screen Movie, so a lot had to be addressed.
As a reminder to the readers here, Season Five is when I started the 'Shipper Survey posts on alt.tv.x-files so the number of questions here is smaller than it would be for the later Mytharc / 'Shipper-friendly episodes. That said, here goes...
X-Files 'Shipper Survey: REDUX
Well, I missed this the first time around, since I really started these with "Detour," but thank God for re-runs, ya?
1) As the episode begins with a flashback to "Gethsemane" and leads into Mulder discovering his upstairs neighbor is a bit of a snoop, you realize:
A) That the Punk should have noticed earlier the sawdust on the floor from where the hole was drilled
B) That Mulder wasn't going to kill himself because he hadn't returned "Sorority Sex Kittens II" to the rental store yet
C) That the guy upstairs must have about two months worth of video proving Dana and Fox did a lot of...um, hand-holding...(very wicked grin)
2) Scully returns to her apartment, checks her answering machine ("You have zero messages") and goes to change her clothes. As she pulls at her shirt, we hear Mulder whisper in the shadows, "Take it off, FBI woman." You:
A) Want Scully to hit the Punk with a Holy Trout, not only because he snuck into her apartment but most likely erased all of the messages left by Scully's mom
B) Wonder why Scully didn't see Mulder's car out front
C) Wish Dana would plop a Sarah McLachlan CD into the player and slowly -seductively- strip to that cool song "Wait"...deeeeeep sigh...
3) Mulder reveals he killed the guy upstairs, and that he has evidence someone in the FBI has set them up all these years. As he asks Scully to lie for him, you decide:
A) That the Blessed One would lie is a complex issue that must be investigated at the next #OBSSE chat this Friday
B) That when the credits for the guy who plays Blevins (Charles Cioffi) flashed on the screen, you figured out who the inside leak was!
C) That Dana and Fox are going to have to hug now because it looks like they're splitting up to chase different clues for the rest of the episode (Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...)
4) Skinner confronts Scully about the apparent suicide of Mulder. You realize:
A) That the SRE she just used on her boss doesn't sound as convincing as the ones she's used in Darin Morgan episodes
B) That Mulder's neighbors must be grateful that the bastard's finally gone...I mean, all those shootings, all those dead bodies, all that basketball bouncing, sheesh!...
C) That Walter's looking at Dana the wrong way...Nooooooooooo!...
5) Scully goes to the basement office and checks with the internal telephone operators about the phone numbers leading to the inside leak. As Holly from "Pusher" gives help and consolation, you:
A) Want the Blessed One to kick that nameplate off Mulder's desk and put hers in its place
B) Scream at Holly to run because the producers have this bad habit of killing off all the cute, young FBI agents who help out
C) Wait for Dana to admit to her friend, "Yeah, well, thank you for your concern, you know...I just...I "trusted" him...(sniff) (sniff)..." **
6) The guy who tipped off Scully and Mulder about the alien autopsy hoax, Kritschgau, meets Mulder in the DOD offices and escorts him through the building, all the while expounding on the history of government cover-ups. While pictures of various military projects, experiments, nuclear tests, quickly flash on the screen to supplement the ongoing narration, you:
A) Know St. Scully will appear shortly to give a medical warning for possible epileptic seizures
B) Realize the editors from Oliver Stone's "JFK" have taken over the post-production of this episode
C) Believe you caught a "Blink-And-You'll-Miss-It" shot of Dana and Fox at a wedding
7) Skinner confronts Scully, revealing the lie about the dead man in Mulder's apartment. Scully confronts Skinner, convinced for some reason that Skinner is the inside leak. Your response is:
A) To worry that Psychic!Scully's powers may be waning as her cancer kills her
B) To worry that your bet about Blevins being the leak might not pay off
C) To worry that Dana's not taking the time to call Fox with the message "I'm fine"
8) Mulder finds CancerMan's closet. While he's looking for a cure for Scully, you wish:
A) That the Punk would find some holy water so Autumn can bless more trout with it
B) That he'd find a wooden box marked "Tanis Artifact RE: Dr. Jones, H. - Classified 1936" with something humming inside
C) That not only will he find a cure for Dana but he'll also find a diamond ring and the courage to offer it to her...deep sigh...
9) Mulder escapes from the underground passageways holding what may be the cure for Scully's cancer. But as he leaves, CancerMan steps from the shadows oddly smiling. You scream out:
A) "Oh NO! The Punk's grabbed the wrong thing!"
B) "Oh NO! That building has no "No Smoking" policy!"
C) "Oh NO! Fox didn't find that diamond ring!"
10) We see Scully as she was in "Gethsemane" before Blevins' committee. As she tries to reveal her conclusion that Skinner is the traitor, blood drips from her nose and she collapses. We cut to the Lone Gunmen testing the contents of the vial found by Mulder, but they discover it's only de-ionized water. As the episode concludes with a "To Be Continued" message, you:
A) Pull out your Holy Handkerchiefs and pray for the Blessed One's recovery
B) Sigh and wait for the final chapter which apparently has CancerMan saying, "Join Me, Fox, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son"
C) Weep that Fox wasn't there to console Dana in her hour of need
** Author's note: I think by now EVERY X-Phile (and not just the 'Shippers) knows that "trust" means "love" where Mulder and Scully are concerned...deep sigh...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who's convinced Scully was going to say to the committee members watching her nose bleed, "I'm fine, really..."
B) Then you are an X-Phile who's already tired of repeats this summer and can't wait for the movie...hurry up!...
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's upset that Dana and Fox didn't strip for each other when they had the chance...sigh...
So who wants to see Redux Part II Survey?! ...Anyone...?
Sunday, January 31, 2016
X-Files: Founder's Mutation 'Shipper Survey
Damn the man. I had to work Monday night at the library, so I missed the first half of the episode. Thankfully, wiser heads like Mary Jamieson (hollah) informed me there's a streaming service on Fox's website for the first two episodes so I perused what I missed via that.
In the meantime, here's a Glen Morgan penned episode with good old Monster of the Week mayhem, but with the added dash of being tied into the Mytharc! Whoa!
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: Founder's Mutation
1) The episode opens on a bloodshot eye getting retinal scanned for security clearance. The eye belongs to a Dr. Sanjay, who's entering a Nugenics office complex and coping with the hassles of any normal workday: annoying co-workers, lack of coffee, that persistent high-pitched ringing that forces you to down an entire bottle of Bayer, etc. It leads to the other hassle: long boring boardroom meeting where others are bickering over the commands from their overlord "Founder" Augustus Goldman. Nobody else seems to notice Sanjay's headaches are getting worse or that there's a Murder of Crows gathering on the rolling hills of Vancouver outside their window. When Sanjay finally flips out in the meeting and flees the room, you:
A) Suggest he go find a respectable doctor like Scully to get that tinnitus taken care of!
B) Like the subtle touch of using the collective noun for crows. Murder indeed...
C) Wonder if that one guy typing away on his tablet during the meeting was distracting himself with some erotic Dana/Fox fanfiction!
2) Sanjay's gone and locked himself in a computer server room, fixated on downloading as much data as he can. As his worried co-workers pound at the window, and as the security guards start cracking the door lock to break in to stop him, the noise in Sanjay's head drives him over the edge. He grabs a marker, writes a mysterious note on his hand, and then grabs a letter opener. As he graphically shoves it into his ear... as far as he can... you:
A) Shout at the screen "Dammit that's NOT how you treat tinnitus!"
B) Wonder aloud "Who has a letter opener in a computer server room?! Wouldn't a Phillips head screwdriver be a more sensible weapon to have on hand?"
C) Flinch in horror at this poor man's death. There's nothing fun or 'Shippy about... about... hey, won't Dana and Fox show up at this guy's autopsy and flirt shamelessly over the corpse? Good move, Sanjay, thanks for taking one for the team!
3) Mulder and Scully do indeed show up at the crime scene. Mulder examines the body and the room, and asks "What do you think Scully?" Scully hovers over him and answers "Looks like suicide Mulder. Note the letter opener sticking out of the ear." You answer:
A) "No Sh-t, you Punk!"
B) "Check the pockets for money, I'll grab the expensive watch."
C) "Yay! They're flirting already!"
4) Mulder points out how Sanjay put himself in the most secure room in the building with isolated servers, with the terminal he was working from the only way to access the data. As Mulder grabs the external drive Sanjay was using, a beefy security guard shows up to confiscate the drive, claiming "national security". It turns out Nugenics has a Defense contract, hence the FBI investigating Sanjay's death. Mulder notes they need to determine what Sanjay was trying to download, so he asks to interview the company's owner Augustus Goldman. When the security guard refuses that request by noting he can't verify the whereabouts of "The Founder", you realize:
A) This isn't a genetics lab, it's a CULT! Listen to that, talking about a person as a mythic, otherworldly being of perfection! Trout slap him, St. Scully, and pass the Scullyrita, fellow OBSSE members! ...what?
B) Anyone insisting on being called "The Founder" is bound to have sociopathic tendencies like a massive ego and pretensions of godhood. So we've got a good idea who the real Monster of the Week is going to be.
C) We've gone five minutes without a handhold between Dana and Fox! Dammit, we need a fix soon...
5) While Scully distracts the guard over the security cameras and the need to view any documentation, Mulder quietly checks Sanjay's pockets for more clues, finds a cell phone, and swipes the dead man's thumb to unlock the biosecurity on it. He then walks out of the room before the security guard realizes he lifted that phone. You scream:
A) "You better not use Sanjay's phone to sext people, you Punk!"
B) "Dammit, Mulder, what about the wallet! You should have grabbed the wallet!"
C) "Good God. I just realized: before smartphones, we never really sexted people. Wow. If we had that technology back in 1993, this show could have been so much kinkier!"
6) As Mulder and Scully leave the building, they argue over the legality of Mulder's swiping Sanjay's phone. During that conversation, they nearly bump into a janitor for absolutely no real reason at all. You know this means:
A) That janitor knows something!
B) That janitor knows something!
C) That janitor gave Fox the excuse to brush against Dana's shoulder! Sigh...
7) Mulder follows a lead over "Gupta" to a bar in Washington DC called "The Corner Pocket". He meets Gupta in a booth, noticing there's a couple of possible Men in Black watching nearby, and asks about meeting somewhere "more private" and that he's "safe". You watch all this and exclaim:
A) "Man, Mulder REALLY doesn't know how to pick up guys in bars!"
B) "There's something bothering me about this place. Gasp, I know! This lesbian bar has no fire exit! Enjoy your death-trap, ladies!"
C) "Why do they keep bringing Slash into this show? Not that there's anything wrong with it!"
8) While Mulder sets back hetero-alternative cultural co-existence back another decade, Scully's actually at work finding evidence via autopsy. Especially that note Sanjay wrote in his palm: "Founder's Mutation." You know this clue means:
A) Sanjay wanted the investigators to focus on Augustus Goldman. Who cares if the Punk think that phrase pertains to something else!
B) Sanjay knew what the title of this episode was going to be from the script he read.
C) Sanjay knew it would give Dana and Fox a reason to flirt! Again, thanks for taking one for the team, bro!
9) Finding out from Gupta that Sanjay led two lives and was worried about "his children dying", Mulder and Scully go driving through the alleyways of Vancouver to find his real abode. Along the way, Scully nearly drives over a tired-looking janitor who's running around like a social misfit. You realize:
A) AT LONG LAST SCULLY GETS TO DRIVE!
B) This episode's not going to be all that subtle with the clues, is it?
C) That's a car built for family driving. So... we're missing William, aren't we?
10) They reach Sanjay's real apartment and begin searching for clues. Scully finds one with a wall covered with photos of children suffering from physical deformities. Flashing red and blue lights from outside reveal the agents accidentally tripped an alarm, so they hurry to find more evidence before they can be interrupted. Suddenly, Mulder is hit with the high-pitch noise and bends over in pain. As Scully deals with handling the cops, Mulder endures the pain and starts hearing voices, repeating two messages: "Help me" and "Find her." You realize:
A) This is what the Punk gets for failing to acquire a warrant and the keys to the place!
B) It's Luke! Trying to reach out to his daughter Rey using the Force! ...what, you haven't seen Star Wars Episode VII yet? ARE YOU MAD! GO SEE IT NOW! This will wait until you get back.
C) Dana could have just as easily comforted Fox with a hug and hold up her FBI badge at the same time! What a missed opportunity! (cries)
11) It's Assistant Director Walter Skinner's office! He's reviewing the case so far, and Mulder refers to documents found in Sanjay's apartment. But it turns out those documents were seized as "Property of the Department of Defense" by a very angry-looking bearded bureaucrat giving the agents the stink-eye. But once that DoD jerk leaves the office with the documents, Skinner exhales and asks "I assume you made copies before they seized those papers?" You:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) see D)
D) Shout "Goddamn YES, Skinner! You know how it goes down, boss!"
12) Skinner lets Mulder and Scully know that given the bureaucratic nature of everything Post-9/11, the paperwork on closing their report will take days, giving the agents at least 48 hours to honestly complete their investigation into the likely genetic experimentation on children by our own Defense Dept. Once that's out of the way, the two go back to the X-Files basement... where we find that the only nameplate on the door says "Fox Mulder". You:
A) Scream an unholy scream and curse Chris Carter to the Nine Circles of Hell. The OBSSE got a nameplate for St. Scully, you SONOFABITCH, IT'S HER OFFICE TOO! AIM THE TROUT FOR CARTER'S SMUG FACE IN FIVE... FOUR... THREE... TWO...
B) Seriously wonder why Scully doesn't have a goddamn nameplate.
C) Seriously wonder why they can't put Dana and Fox's name on the same nameplate. After all, we're hoping they do that for the wedding invites!
13) Mulder and Scully share evidence as they examine the security cameras. Scully also takes the time to ask Mulder about what happened to him. Mulder describes the pain and that he heard the words "Find her." He notices the janitor in one security camera (NOT SUBTLE) and also notices the Murder of Crows (SUBTLE), pointing out that the sound he heard could also be affecting animals. Scully gets worried, noting that Sanjay heard that sound, and it drove him to suicide. "This is dangerous," she warns. "When has that ever stopped us?" Mulder snarks back. You answer:
A) "Whenever it got to the point where people died, you Punk!"
B) "Whenever the episode ended and you never followed up on loose threads, that's when!"
C) "She cares, Fox! Dammit, kiss her!"
14) Scully knows a way to reach Goldman. It turns out he's a prominent financial donor to Scully's hospital the Lady of Our Sorrows, and Scully attempts to get one of the administrators to arrange a meeting. The administrator (if she looks familiar, she played Scully's counselor during Seasons Two and Three) isn't thrilled that Goldman is under FBI investigation, but is able to relay a message to him that the FBI wants to talk. Mulder also suggests that the administrator asks him about "Founder's Mutation". As the administrator flinches at that phrase, you recognize:
A) The phrase might not have anything to do with Goldman himself, but something about genetics itself... SO WHY DOESN'T SCULLY KNOW ABOUT IT?
B) It's the title of David Bowie's next album, right? (beat) Oh... right... (cries)
C) That Fox knows well enough to stay out of Dana's way when they're in her place of power.
15) During their wait, Mulder and Scully are approached by a nervous young woman, pregnant and terrified that there's something wrong with her baby. Agnes alternates between begging for help to get out of the ward and believing the agents won't believe or help her. When the administrator shows up in the hallway, Agnes runs but not before Mulder can slip a card to her. As the administrator returns with a phone number to reach Goldman, Agnes watches from a distance while Escape From the Planet of the Apes plays on a TV behind her. You note:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Another Planet of the Apes reference, about future ape babies? Oh, yeah. Just HITTING US OVER THE HEAD WITH THE SUBTLETY here, people.
16) Mulder makes the connection between Goldman's philanthropy towards that hospital as his access to that pregnancy ward, and jumps to the conclusion that Goldman might be experimenting on those women. Scully's none too thrilled about that theory, because it brings up the fact that 15 years ago, SHE had a baby with the implications that baby was genetically messed with as well. "Was that all I was, an incubator?" Scully asks. Mulder replies, "You were never... just anything... to me, Scully." You:
A) Silently toast the Blessed Skeptic with a Scullyrita
B) "I got something in my eye."
C) Bawl your wet 'Shipper eyes out
17) The scene segues to a school, where a younger-looking Scully is walking her son William up to his first day there. They joke about the rules of surviving school, and then the scene shifts again in a nice effect of the closing doors re-opening to an older William racing off to some afternoon thing. And then the scene shifts to a darker tone, and Scully is worrying over a wounded William dealing with a broken forearm. And then it shifts to an even darker scene, at home with a teenaged William crying for his Mom. As Scully enters his room and finds William freaking out over his mutating into an alien hybrid, you:
A) Understand this is Scully's ongoing nightmare of the life that may befall her only son...
B) Realize that somebody's gotta make a call to Charles Xavier's School for an opening... why not? X-Files, X-Men, it's a natural crossover to make!
c) KEEP CRYING YOUR DAMN EYES OUT. Poor Dana... Nooooooooo...
18) Commercial break ends, and we're finally meeting Dr. Augustus Goldman. He's being asked about "Founder's Mutation" and remains evasive about it. Goldman tries to explain his work as "saving children," and escorts the agents to a hallway lined with young children suffering from unsettling deformities. He offers to let Scully speak to them, and Scully does with a poor child called Adam suffering a cycloptic condition. The conversation doesn't reveal much, but Scully notes the rooms are locked and the children are isolated and she questions why since they suffer from genetic disorders and aren't contagious. Goldman answers that they are using experimental procedures and need to control the environmental factors. "Like using alien DNA?" Scully retorts. Goldman flinches and replies "Dr. Scully, I was told you were the rational one." You reply:
A) "She is the rational one. She's also the one armed with a fully loaded fresh trout useful in slapping total Punks!"
B) "We're talking about the hybrid merging of Mytharc stories to Monster of the Week stories. And now, here, we have proof with this episode's Monster of the Week, Augustus Goldman!"
C) We're with the ones who answered A), Doc. NOBODY TALKS TO DANA LIKE THAT! (Insert Trout Slap Here)
NOTE: Meanwhile, a healthy-looking teenage girl named Molly is having a freak-out down the hallway for no sane reason other than to show off telekinetic abilities and set up a plot point. Not subtle, guys.
19) Something happened to Agnes. The agents are called to a crime scene where her body was found with Mulder's card on her. She died in a suspicious hit-and-run by the looks of things. And her baby's gone. Your response is:
A) "Damn them. It never gets any easier when people die on this show. For once, can't everyone live, just once?"
B) "Somebody at that pregnancy ward has to answer for this..."
C) "Given the theme of this episode, we really shouldn't have a snarky response to this."
20) Scully does the autopsy and confirms Agnes was killed by a car, and that her baby was surgically removed. She accepts the likelihood that the fetus was tied into Goldman's work but there's no proof now. Mulder brings up the "Founder's Mutation" phrase and reveals what it means: the idea that a "perfect" mutation - the Founder - would create the genetic keystone to the next stage in evolution. He notes how the Syndicate (Mytharc!) started such projects back in the 1970s but they never worked... but it doesn't mean they stopped trying. Mulder also pulls up more information about Goldman: 17 years prior his wife was placed in custody and charged with going insane and killing her own child while in the womb... and that baby's body was never found as well. With all this exposition going on, you know:
A) That we're certain this is going to lead up to Scully calling Charles Xavier's school and see if there's a William enrolled after all!
B) That we're certain this is going to tie into the final episode of the Battlestar Galactica reboot!
C) That we're certain this is going to end up with the writer survey cramming all the questions into a round number of 25! ...What, we've seen it before!
21) They find an unresponsive Mrs. Goldman sitting at a lunch table at the Conveniently Placed Criminally Insane Ward on the outskirts of Vancouver. Questions go unanswered until a cat comes in and she chucks an apple at it. Hey! MY CATS DO NOT APPROVE OF THAT, LADY! Ahem. No longer able to stay quiet, Mrs. Goldman starts explaining what happened: she discovered her 2-year-old daughter Molly had fallen into the pool... and had been under there for 10 minutes... and she was breathing just fine. You realize:
A) If Dr. Goldman had put a child protection fence around that swimming pool like he was supposed to, none of this would have slipped out...!
B) That was no ordinary cat! That was Oscar the Death Cat! AND HE'S COME FOR YOUR SOUL!
C) That we're not really in a 'Shipper-friendly setting at the moment, so we'll have to wait for the next question.
22) Realizing her husband had experimented on Molly... experimented on her unborn son... she freaks, slashes his arm, and flees the house as he ominously drips blood from the wound. Unfortunately, her freak-out doesn't lead to better driving, and she's crawling from the wreckage she started getting Scanned by her unborn son. Prompted by the pain, she performs her own radical version of a C-Section, exposing the womb and... and... OH MY GOD IS THAT A MOVING HAND?
A) AAAAAAAAAA
B) EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW
C) NEXT QUESTION! NEXT QUESTION!
23) Mulder realizes that the baby survived, and that he'd have grown up by now as a 16-year-old. He also notices the janitor at the Criminally Insane ward is the same janitorial contract service at Nugenics. Going back to the security cameras, he points out the young male janitor from Scene 7 is on the floor above Sanjay, and reacts in pain to Sanjay's death. They get his name from the vendor as Kyle Gilligan (SHOUTOUT) and drive off to his address. They're confronted by his defensive mother, who warns that they're to leave her boy alone, even though Mulder figures out she was there the night of the crash and saved that baby. When the crows suddenly appear on a nearby hill and the mother freaks out seeing them, you know:
A) SH-T'S ABOUT TO GET REAL.
B) Why they're called a Murder.
C) This is another chance for Dana to comfort Fox during another Psychic Sonic attack. (she runs off to put a gun to Kyle's head to make him stop instead) Oh, or she can do that... Yay.
24) They interrogate Kyle on the drive back to DC through the tall mountains ofBritish Columbia uh Maryland. Kyle admits he would never try to hurt anyone with what he can do, and Mulder realizes he can't control it. "I just want to find my sister," he says. Scully says "Molly" and he asks if she knows where Molly is. Scully answers that she knows who does. Next scene, Kyle is being examined by Augustus Goldman, who is treating the teen boy as though he was another patient, another experiment. There is something unsettling about the emotional disconnect that Goldman is showing towards his own son, and it makes you:
A) Shudder in disgust.
B) Note who the real monster of the week is after all.
C) Wistful that Dana always pictures herself being a better mother to her own son William, and hope that Fox does too!
25) As per arrangement, Goldman escorts Kyle to a room where that teenage girl we saw earlier called Molly is sitting alone. There's an awkward familial moment between brother and s... "No," Kyle says, frowning. He can tell that's not his sister. (Ooo, nice twist) Enraged, he slams his father out of the way and races down the hallway, turning a corner to find another girl, this time locked behind a glass doorway. The way they stare at each other, they can tell as they both raise a hand at the glass separating them. I never knew I had a brother, Molly projects telepathically, and you realize:
A) Of course the girl is going to have better control of her mutant powers!
B) Isn't this a plot point from the Lensman series?
C) Isn't this a plot point from the Star Wars movies? Dammit Leia you kissed your brother! Eewwww...
26) Realizingthat this survey isn't going to fit inside 25 questions that they don't have much time, they place both palms on the glass and focus. The sound intensifies and as Mulder and Scully round the corner, every glass window in the hallway shatters. As the siblings link hands for the first time in their lives, their father runs in, trying to stop them. "Just let me go, daddy!" Molly screams, but Kyle has another response as he boosts his Psychic Sonic attack on dear old dad. With Scully standing there, gun drawn, you think:
A) At least with Scully we know she won't drop the gun like the Punk does!
B) This is not going to end well either way. Someone needs to pull a fire alarm and cause a distraction first!
C) Kyle and Molly holding hands? That's NOT the 'Ship we were promised guys!
27) Molly uses her mutant powers to knock Scully's gun out of her hand and tosses her against the wall.
A) ...dammit...
B) Oh crap, Scully, this IS how Carrie got even at the prom...!
C) YAY! Fox went to check on Dana to see if she was okay!
28) Molly sends Mulder sprawling down the hallway atop a floor covered with broken glass. That can't be hygienic. Before Mulder passes out, he sees Augustus Goldman receiving the karmic punishment he deserves. Your response is:
A) "As long as the kids don't mess with Scully any further, we got no quarrel with ya. Move along... move along..."
B) "He tampered in God's domain."
C) "We don't like all this gore and blood in a potentially 'Shippy episode. When are we gonna get the episodes that involves investigating beaches on long summer evenings with a bottle of the finest wines of Vancouver?"
29) The Department of Defense has taken over the lab and the bearded guy orders Skinner back behind the red tape (SUBTLE). Skinner notes that the investigation is officially over, even as Scully asks if there's any trace of Kyle or Molly. "There's never any trace," Scully sighs. Except Mulder slips out of his pocket the vial of blood Goldman took from Kyle. "There's a trace," Mulder whispers as they walk away, and you reply:
A) "Let Scully take it! She's the one who can test it!"
B) "Save it for the season finale!"
C) "Now we can get the scene of them going to the nearest motel and... and... uh, why are we getting an edit cut to 2001?"
30) It's Mulder watching 2001 (why not Planet of the Apes? We had that reference earlier) with his young son William. We watch Mulder imagine what it would have been like being a father to his son, growing up playing with model rockets and William saying "I'm going up there some day"... only for that vision to shift to Mulder watching in horror as aliens show up to abduct a teenage William from his bedroom much like what he saw with his own sister Samantha. As the episode ends with Mulder pining over a picture of baby William, you realize:
A) That dammit, for all the punk things the Punk does to the Blessed One, sometimes we got to sympathize with his plight as a grieving father as well...
B) That for a Monster of the Week/Mytharc mashup, this went surprisingly well.
C) That dammit, Dana and Fox shouldn't separate themselves over the loss of their son like this. Why are they in separate grief over this? IT'S NOT RIGHT IT'S NOT... oh, no, sniff, this isn't fair (openly cries)
If you more often than not answered:
A) You're a member of the OBSSE who thinks that someday William will return with a backlog of Mother's Day cards.
B) You're an X-Phile who likes the Mytharc stories to have this kind of clarity and emotional punch.
C) You're a 'Shipper who knows that if they can just find William then Dana and Fox can repair this 'Ship and SAVE OUR HEARTS. Sigh.
Next up: A Darin Morgan episode. I will post shortly about why this is a big f-cking deal.
In the meantime, here's a Glen Morgan penned episode with good old Monster of the Week mayhem, but with the added dash of being tied into the Mytharc! Whoa!
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: Founder's Mutation
1) The episode opens on a bloodshot eye getting retinal scanned for security clearance. The eye belongs to a Dr. Sanjay, who's entering a Nugenics office complex and coping with the hassles of any normal workday: annoying co-workers, lack of coffee, that persistent high-pitched ringing that forces you to down an entire bottle of Bayer, etc. It leads to the other hassle: long boring boardroom meeting where others are bickering over the commands from their overlord "Founder" Augustus Goldman. Nobody else seems to notice Sanjay's headaches are getting worse or that there's a Murder of Crows gathering on the rolling hills of Vancouver outside their window. When Sanjay finally flips out in the meeting and flees the room, you:
A) Suggest he go find a respectable doctor like Scully to get that tinnitus taken care of!
B) Like the subtle touch of using the collective noun for crows. Murder indeed...
C) Wonder if that one guy typing away on his tablet during the meeting was distracting himself with some erotic Dana/Fox fanfiction!
2) Sanjay's gone and locked himself in a computer server room, fixated on downloading as much data as he can. As his worried co-workers pound at the window, and as the security guards start cracking the door lock to break in to stop him, the noise in Sanjay's head drives him over the edge. He grabs a marker, writes a mysterious note on his hand, and then grabs a letter opener. As he graphically shoves it into his ear... as far as he can... you:
A) Shout at the screen "Dammit that's NOT how you treat tinnitus!"
B) Wonder aloud "Who has a letter opener in a computer server room?! Wouldn't a Phillips head screwdriver be a more sensible weapon to have on hand?"
C) Flinch in horror at this poor man's death. There's nothing fun or 'Shippy about... about... hey, won't Dana and Fox show up at this guy's autopsy and flirt shamelessly over the corpse? Good move, Sanjay, thanks for taking one for the team!
3) Mulder and Scully do indeed show up at the crime scene. Mulder examines the body and the room, and asks "What do you think Scully?" Scully hovers over him and answers "Looks like suicide Mulder. Note the letter opener sticking out of the ear." You answer:
A) "No Sh-t, you Punk!"
B) "Check the pockets for money, I'll grab the expensive watch."
C) "Yay! They're flirting already!"
4) Mulder points out how Sanjay put himself in the most secure room in the building with isolated servers, with the terminal he was working from the only way to access the data. As Mulder grabs the external drive Sanjay was using, a beefy security guard shows up to confiscate the drive, claiming "national security". It turns out Nugenics has a Defense contract, hence the FBI investigating Sanjay's death. Mulder notes they need to determine what Sanjay was trying to download, so he asks to interview the company's owner Augustus Goldman. When the security guard refuses that request by noting he can't verify the whereabouts of "The Founder", you realize:
A) This isn't a genetics lab, it's a CULT! Listen to that, talking about a person as a mythic, otherworldly being of perfection! Trout slap him, St. Scully, and pass the Scullyrita, fellow OBSSE members! ...what?
B) Anyone insisting on being called "The Founder" is bound to have sociopathic tendencies like a massive ego and pretensions of godhood. So we've got a good idea who the real Monster of the Week is going to be.
C) We've gone five minutes without a handhold between Dana and Fox! Dammit, we need a fix soon...
5) While Scully distracts the guard over the security cameras and the need to view any documentation, Mulder quietly checks Sanjay's pockets for more clues, finds a cell phone, and swipes the dead man's thumb to unlock the biosecurity on it. He then walks out of the room before the security guard realizes he lifted that phone. You scream:
A) "You better not use Sanjay's phone to sext people, you Punk!"
B) "Dammit, Mulder, what about the wallet! You should have grabbed the wallet!"
C) "Good God. I just realized: before smartphones, we never really sexted people. Wow. If we had that technology back in 1993, this show could have been so much kinkier!"
6) As Mulder and Scully leave the building, they argue over the legality of Mulder's swiping Sanjay's phone. During that conversation, they nearly bump into a janitor for absolutely no real reason at all. You know this means:
A) That janitor knows something!
B) That janitor knows something!
C) That janitor gave Fox the excuse to brush against Dana's shoulder! Sigh...
7) Mulder follows a lead over "Gupta" to a bar in Washington DC called "The Corner Pocket". He meets Gupta in a booth, noticing there's a couple of possible Men in Black watching nearby, and asks about meeting somewhere "more private" and that he's "safe". You watch all this and exclaim:
A) "Man, Mulder REALLY doesn't know how to pick up guys in bars!"
B) "There's something bothering me about this place. Gasp, I know! This lesbian bar has no fire exit! Enjoy your death-trap, ladies!"
C) "Why do they keep bringing Slash into this show? Not that there's anything wrong with it!"
8) While Mulder sets back hetero-alternative cultural co-existence back another decade, Scully's actually at work finding evidence via autopsy. Especially that note Sanjay wrote in his palm: "Founder's Mutation." You know this clue means:
A) Sanjay wanted the investigators to focus on Augustus Goldman. Who cares if the Punk think that phrase pertains to something else!
B) Sanjay knew what the title of this episode was going to be from the script he read.
C) Sanjay knew it would give Dana and Fox a reason to flirt! Again, thanks for taking one for the team, bro!
9) Finding out from Gupta that Sanjay led two lives and was worried about "his children dying", Mulder and Scully go driving through the alleyways of Vancouver to find his real abode. Along the way, Scully nearly drives over a tired-looking janitor who's running around like a social misfit. You realize:
A) AT LONG LAST SCULLY GETS TO DRIVE!
B) This episode's not going to be all that subtle with the clues, is it?
C) That's a car built for family driving. So... we're missing William, aren't we?
10) They reach Sanjay's real apartment and begin searching for clues. Scully finds one with a wall covered with photos of children suffering from physical deformities. Flashing red and blue lights from outside reveal the agents accidentally tripped an alarm, so they hurry to find more evidence before they can be interrupted. Suddenly, Mulder is hit with the high-pitch noise and bends over in pain. As Scully deals with handling the cops, Mulder endures the pain and starts hearing voices, repeating two messages: "Help me" and "Find her." You realize:
A) This is what the Punk gets for failing to acquire a warrant and the keys to the place!
B) It's Luke! Trying to reach out to his daughter Rey using the Force! ...what, you haven't seen Star Wars Episode VII yet? ARE YOU MAD! GO SEE IT NOW! This will wait until you get back.
C) Dana could have just as easily comforted Fox with a hug and hold up her FBI badge at the same time! What a missed opportunity! (cries)
11) It's Assistant Director Walter Skinner's office! He's reviewing the case so far, and Mulder refers to documents found in Sanjay's apartment. But it turns out those documents were seized as "Property of the Department of Defense" by a very angry-looking bearded bureaucrat giving the agents the stink-eye. But once that DoD jerk leaves the office with the documents, Skinner exhales and asks "I assume you made copies before they seized those papers?" You:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) see D)
D) Shout "Goddamn YES, Skinner! You know how it goes down, boss!"
12) Skinner lets Mulder and Scully know that given the bureaucratic nature of everything Post-9/11, the paperwork on closing their report will take days, giving the agents at least 48 hours to honestly complete their investigation into the likely genetic experimentation on children by our own Defense Dept. Once that's out of the way, the two go back to the X-Files basement... where we find that the only nameplate on the door says "Fox Mulder". You:
A) Scream an unholy scream and curse Chris Carter to the Nine Circles of Hell. The OBSSE got a nameplate for St. Scully, you SONOFABITCH, IT'S HER OFFICE TOO! AIM THE TROUT FOR CARTER'S SMUG FACE IN FIVE... FOUR... THREE... TWO...
B) Seriously wonder why Scully doesn't have a goddamn nameplate.
C) Seriously wonder why they can't put Dana and Fox's name on the same nameplate. After all, we're hoping they do that for the wedding invites!
13) Mulder and Scully share evidence as they examine the security cameras. Scully also takes the time to ask Mulder about what happened to him. Mulder describes the pain and that he heard the words "Find her." He notices the janitor in one security camera (NOT SUBTLE) and also notices the Murder of Crows (SUBTLE), pointing out that the sound he heard could also be affecting animals. Scully gets worried, noting that Sanjay heard that sound, and it drove him to suicide. "This is dangerous," she warns. "When has that ever stopped us?" Mulder snarks back. You answer:
A) "Whenever it got to the point where people died, you Punk!"
B) "Whenever the episode ended and you never followed up on loose threads, that's when!"
C) "She cares, Fox! Dammit, kiss her!"
14) Scully knows a way to reach Goldman. It turns out he's a prominent financial donor to Scully's hospital the Lady of Our Sorrows, and Scully attempts to get one of the administrators to arrange a meeting. The administrator (if she looks familiar, she played Scully's counselor during Seasons Two and Three) isn't thrilled that Goldman is under FBI investigation, but is able to relay a message to him that the FBI wants to talk. Mulder also suggests that the administrator asks him about "Founder's Mutation". As the administrator flinches at that phrase, you recognize:
A) The phrase might not have anything to do with Goldman himself, but something about genetics itself... SO WHY DOESN'T SCULLY KNOW ABOUT IT?
B) It's the title of David Bowie's next album, right? (beat) Oh... right... (cries)
C) That Fox knows well enough to stay out of Dana's way when they're in her place of power.
15) During their wait, Mulder and Scully are approached by a nervous young woman, pregnant and terrified that there's something wrong with her baby. Agnes alternates between begging for help to get out of the ward and believing the agents won't believe or help her. When the administrator shows up in the hallway, Agnes runs but not before Mulder can slip a card to her. As the administrator returns with a phone number to reach Goldman, Agnes watches from a distance while Escape From the Planet of the Apes plays on a TV behind her. You note:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Another Planet of the Apes reference, about future ape babies? Oh, yeah. Just HITTING US OVER THE HEAD WITH THE SUBTLETY here, people.
16) Mulder makes the connection between Goldman's philanthropy towards that hospital as his access to that pregnancy ward, and jumps to the conclusion that Goldman might be experimenting on those women. Scully's none too thrilled about that theory, because it brings up the fact that 15 years ago, SHE had a baby with the implications that baby was genetically messed with as well. "Was that all I was, an incubator?" Scully asks. Mulder replies, "You were never... just anything... to me, Scully." You:
A) Silently toast the Blessed Skeptic with a Scullyrita
B) "I got something in my eye."
C) Bawl your wet 'Shipper eyes out
17) The scene segues to a school, where a younger-looking Scully is walking her son William up to his first day there. They joke about the rules of surviving school, and then the scene shifts again in a nice effect of the closing doors re-opening to an older William racing off to some afternoon thing. And then the scene shifts to a darker tone, and Scully is worrying over a wounded William dealing with a broken forearm. And then it shifts to an even darker scene, at home with a teenaged William crying for his Mom. As Scully enters his room and finds William freaking out over his mutating into an alien hybrid, you:
A) Understand this is Scully's ongoing nightmare of the life that may befall her only son...
B) Realize that somebody's gotta make a call to Charles Xavier's School for an opening... why not? X-Files, X-Men, it's a natural crossover to make!
c) KEEP CRYING YOUR DAMN EYES OUT. Poor Dana... Nooooooooo...
18) Commercial break ends, and we're finally meeting Dr. Augustus Goldman. He's being asked about "Founder's Mutation" and remains evasive about it. Goldman tries to explain his work as "saving children," and escorts the agents to a hallway lined with young children suffering from unsettling deformities. He offers to let Scully speak to them, and Scully does with a poor child called Adam suffering a cycloptic condition. The conversation doesn't reveal much, but Scully notes the rooms are locked and the children are isolated and she questions why since they suffer from genetic disorders and aren't contagious. Goldman answers that they are using experimental procedures and need to control the environmental factors. "Like using alien DNA?" Scully retorts. Goldman flinches and replies "Dr. Scully, I was told you were the rational one." You reply:
A) "She is the rational one. She's also the one armed with a fully loaded fresh trout useful in slapping total Punks!"
B) "We're talking about the hybrid merging of Mytharc stories to Monster of the Week stories. And now, here, we have proof with this episode's Monster of the Week, Augustus Goldman!"
C) We're with the ones who answered A), Doc. NOBODY TALKS TO DANA LIKE THAT! (Insert Trout Slap Here)
NOTE: Meanwhile, a healthy-looking teenage girl named Molly is having a freak-out down the hallway for no sane reason other than to show off telekinetic abilities and set up a plot point. Not subtle, guys.
19) Something happened to Agnes. The agents are called to a crime scene where her body was found with Mulder's card on her. She died in a suspicious hit-and-run by the looks of things. And her baby's gone. Your response is:
A) "Damn them. It never gets any easier when people die on this show. For once, can't everyone live, just once?"
B) "Somebody at that pregnancy ward has to answer for this..."
C) "Given the theme of this episode, we really shouldn't have a snarky response to this."
20) Scully does the autopsy and confirms Agnes was killed by a car, and that her baby was surgically removed. She accepts the likelihood that the fetus was tied into Goldman's work but there's no proof now. Mulder brings up the "Founder's Mutation" phrase and reveals what it means: the idea that a "perfect" mutation - the Founder - would create the genetic keystone to the next stage in evolution. He notes how the Syndicate (Mytharc!) started such projects back in the 1970s but they never worked... but it doesn't mean they stopped trying. Mulder also pulls up more information about Goldman: 17 years prior his wife was placed in custody and charged with going insane and killing her own child while in the womb... and that baby's body was never found as well. With all this exposition going on, you know:
A) That we're certain this is going to lead up to Scully calling Charles Xavier's school and see if there's a William enrolled after all!
B) That we're certain this is going to tie into the final episode of the Battlestar Galactica reboot!
C) That we're certain this is going to end up with the writer survey cramming all the questions into a round number of 25! ...What, we've seen it before!
21) They find an unresponsive Mrs. Goldman sitting at a lunch table at the Conveniently Placed Criminally Insane Ward on the outskirts of Vancouver. Questions go unanswered until a cat comes in and she chucks an apple at it. Hey! MY CATS DO NOT APPROVE OF THAT, LADY! Ahem. No longer able to stay quiet, Mrs. Goldman starts explaining what happened: she discovered her 2-year-old daughter Molly had fallen into the pool... and had been under there for 10 minutes... and she was breathing just fine. You realize:
A) If Dr. Goldman had put a child protection fence around that swimming pool like he was supposed to, none of this would have slipped out...!
B) That was no ordinary cat! That was Oscar the Death Cat! AND HE'S COME FOR YOUR SOUL!
C) That we're not really in a 'Shipper-friendly setting at the moment, so we'll have to wait for the next question.
22) Realizing her husband had experimented on Molly... experimented on her unborn son... she freaks, slashes his arm, and flees the house as he ominously drips blood from the wound. Unfortunately, her freak-out doesn't lead to better driving, and she's crawling from the wreckage she started getting Scanned by her unborn son. Prompted by the pain, she performs her own radical version of a C-Section, exposing the womb and... and... OH MY GOD IS THAT A MOVING HAND?
A) AAAAAAAAAA
B) EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW
C) NEXT QUESTION! NEXT QUESTION!
23) Mulder realizes that the baby survived, and that he'd have grown up by now as a 16-year-old. He also notices the janitor at the Criminally Insane ward is the same janitorial contract service at Nugenics. Going back to the security cameras, he points out the young male janitor from Scene 7 is on the floor above Sanjay, and reacts in pain to Sanjay's death. They get his name from the vendor as Kyle Gilligan (SHOUTOUT) and drive off to his address. They're confronted by his defensive mother, who warns that they're to leave her boy alone, even though Mulder figures out she was there the night of the crash and saved that baby. When the crows suddenly appear on a nearby hill and the mother freaks out seeing them, you know:
A) SH-T'S ABOUT TO GET REAL.
B) Why they're called a Murder.
C) This is another chance for Dana to comfort Fox during another Psychic Sonic attack. (she runs off to put a gun to Kyle's head to make him stop instead) Oh, or she can do that... Yay.
24) They interrogate Kyle on the drive back to DC through the tall mountains of
A) Shudder in disgust.
B) Note who the real monster of the week is after all.
C) Wistful that Dana always pictures herself being a better mother to her own son William, and hope that Fox does too!
25) As per arrangement, Goldman escorts Kyle to a room where that teenage girl we saw earlier called Molly is sitting alone. There's an awkward familial moment between brother and s... "No," Kyle says, frowning. He can tell that's not his sister. (Ooo, nice twist) Enraged, he slams his father out of the way and races down the hallway, turning a corner to find another girl, this time locked behind a glass doorway. The way they stare at each other, they can tell as they both raise a hand at the glass separating them. I never knew I had a brother, Molly projects telepathically, and you realize:
A) Of course the girl is going to have better control of her mutant powers!
B) Isn't this a plot point from the Lensman series?
C) Isn't this a plot point from the Star Wars movies? Dammit Leia you kissed your brother! Eewwww...
26) Realizing
A) At least with Scully we know she won't drop the gun like the Punk does!
B) This is not going to end well either way. Someone needs to pull a fire alarm and cause a distraction first!
C) Kyle and Molly holding hands? That's NOT the 'Ship we were promised guys!
27) Molly uses her mutant powers to knock Scully's gun out of her hand and tosses her against the wall.
A) ...dammit...
B) Oh crap, Scully, this IS how Carrie got even at the prom...!
C) YAY! Fox went to check on Dana to see if she was okay!
28) Molly sends Mulder sprawling down the hallway atop a floor covered with broken glass. That can't be hygienic. Before Mulder passes out, he sees Augustus Goldman receiving the karmic punishment he deserves. Your response is:
A) "As long as the kids don't mess with Scully any further, we got no quarrel with ya. Move along... move along..."
B) "He tampered in God's domain."
C) "We don't like all this gore and blood in a potentially 'Shippy episode. When are we gonna get the episodes that involves investigating beaches on long summer evenings with a bottle of the finest wines of Vancouver?"
29) The Department of Defense has taken over the lab and the bearded guy orders Skinner back behind the red tape (SUBTLE). Skinner notes that the investigation is officially over, even as Scully asks if there's any trace of Kyle or Molly. "There's never any trace," Scully sighs. Except Mulder slips out of his pocket the vial of blood Goldman took from Kyle. "There's a trace," Mulder whispers as they walk away, and you reply:
A) "Let Scully take it! She's the one who can test it!"
B) "Save it for the season finale!"
C) "Now we can get the scene of them going to the nearest motel and... and... uh, why are we getting an edit cut to 2001?"
30) It's Mulder watching 2001 (why not Planet of the Apes? We had that reference earlier) with his young son William. We watch Mulder imagine what it would have been like being a father to his son, growing up playing with model rockets and William saying "I'm going up there some day"... only for that vision to shift to Mulder watching in horror as aliens show up to abduct a teenage William from his bedroom much like what he saw with his own sister Samantha. As the episode ends with Mulder pining over a picture of baby William, you realize:
A) That dammit, for all the punk things the Punk does to the Blessed One, sometimes we got to sympathize with his plight as a grieving father as well...
B) That for a Monster of the Week/Mytharc mashup, this went surprisingly well.
C) That dammit, Dana and Fox shouldn't separate themselves over the loss of their son like this. Why are they in separate grief over this? IT'S NOT RIGHT IT'S NOT... oh, no, sniff, this isn't fair (openly cries)
If you more often than not answered:
A) You're a member of the OBSSE who thinks that someday William will return with a backlog of Mother's Day cards.
B) You're an X-Phile who likes the Mytharc stories to have this kind of clarity and emotional punch.
C) You're a 'Shipper who knows that if they can just find William then Dana and Fox can repair this 'Ship and SAVE OUR HEARTS. Sigh.
Next up: A Darin Morgan episode. I will post shortly about why this is a big f-cking deal.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
X-Files: My Struggle 'Shipper Survey
It's here.
It's back.
It's... still a confusing mytharc mess.
Sigh.
I'll try to get through this without as much damage to the original timeline as I can make it.
On the bright side: MULDER AND SCULLY ARE BACK IN TOWN
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: My Struggle
Um, to the Germans visiting my website, I know that title is going to be a bit problematic at best...
1) The episode begins with... AH HELL IT'S A REVIVAL EPISODE OF THE X-FILES WHO CARES! LET'S CELEBRATE!
A) You're gonna write a survey and dammit no more distractions! (trout slap)
B) We were promised cake.
C) DANA AND FOX ARE BACK! YAAAAAAAAY!
2) Okay, it really begins with Fox Mulder (Look kids! David Duchovny!) narrating about the past as he places folders and photos atop a desk: his troubled past of his sister's abduction by aliens, his rise within the ranks of the FBI pursuing bizarre cases hidden away in a covert department known as the X-Files, his teaming up with another agent Dana Scully (Look kids! Gillian Anderson!), their travails trying to uncover the TRUTH about the existence of extraterrestrials and the oncoming invasion, and their subsequent exile from the Bureau. As the pile of documents and pictures burst into flames, you take it all in and think:
A) Why does Mulder get to do the opening narration? Scully can narrate too, you know! Damn that Punk!
B) Is this the opening shot of about 500 different MTV videos from the mid-1980s?
C) NOOOOO! The picture of Dana and Fox shouldn't be burning! That's a bad omen before the wedding!
3) As Mulder continues to narrate about the plausibility about alien visitations, a UFO crashes in a remote desert. And then... THE THEME MUSIC and original credits roll! WOO-HOO! PARTY TIME, THE NINETIES ARE BACK BABY WE NEVER LEFT IT WOO-HOO!
A) We're not going to get through this survey with any semblance of sanity, are we?
B) Um, there may be a need for nostalgia here, but couldn't the network pay a little more to update the opening credits from 1993? (sees that they added Mitch Pileggi as Skinner) Well, okay, that's an improvement...
C) BREAK OUT THE TEA, KIDS! DANA AND FOX ARE GONNA HOLD HANDS AND FLIRT OVER AUTOPSIES AGAIN! (literally calling on the kids, it's been more than twenty years now, there has to be younguns in high school groaning about their parents' obsession with this 'Ship)
4) We're still in the desert, 1947, clear reference to Roswell. A bus with most of the windows painted black to hide location from the occupants drives down a desert road. A lone military officer, with the doctor's lapel badge, being escorted by a man in a black suit ride out to the crash site. As the doctor stares in amazement at the crash, you realize:
A) This doctor better have the common sense and divine wisdom of the Blessed Skeptic!
B) Hey! Weren't the UFOs in the original series all TRIANGLE-SHAPED?! What gives with the saucer look! We know damn well the REAL spaceships weren't disks, this is insulting, dammit Chris Carter you're making us toss all the books in the 001.92 shelf area at your head for your faux pas over here!
C) You're going into withdrawal symptoms too early. It's been years since your last 'Shipper fix and DAMMIT TONIGHT YOU NEED A HIT...
5) Flash-forward to 2016. A woman is prepping for surgery when an urgent call comes in. The camera doesn't reveal the face until we find out the call is coming in from an Assistant Director Skinner. Then Gillian Anderson turns to the camera and ZOMG IT'S SCULLY!
A) IT'S THE BLESSED ONE! KNEEL, YOU FOOLS!
B) Hey, wasn't she on Hannibal earlier this season?
C) Faint
6) Scene shifts to someone watching Barack Obama on the Jimmy Kimmel show, joking about UFOs.
A) Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on an Arrow/Flash crossover episode.
B) Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on Supergirl.
C) There's no way Barry can cameo on Agents Of SHIELD: they've already established that they're in a different universe where actor William Sadler became President. So this answer has to go "Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on Doctor Who."
Side note: I gotta wonder, was Barry ever posting on the alt.tv.x-files Usenet back in the day?! I mean, that was well back when he wasn't in elected office and all, and he's a full-on geek... he HAD to have been a fan back in the day, you think?! Everybody, check the archives for a B_OBOMA_XPhile account!
7) We discover that Mulder is watching the show, and when he gets the call he sees it's Scully and he gripes to her right off the bat about how his entire life's work has been turned into a punchline. You reply:
A) "Dammit, you Punk, it's always the Me Me Me whining out of you!"
B) "That's the problem with the 21st Century. Everyone's forgotten the phone etiquette of the 90s!"
C) "Dammit, Fox, instead of a phone conversation you could meet with Dana face-to-face. AND THEN KISS HER!"
8) Scully tells Mulder that Skinner is looking for him. Mulder: "Why doesn't he just call me?" Scully: "He doesn't have your phone number, dummy!" You:
A) "Well, that's what Scully should have said!"
B) "Skinner's with the freaking FBI! THEY'VE GOT EVERYBODY'S PHONE NUMBER!" (Survey writer is informed by his DIA contacts that it's actually the NSA, not the FBI or the CIA. WTF with this POS, IDK)
C) "Damn Slashers, it's not what you think!"
9) Scully tells Mulder that a high-profile conspiracy guy on the media, a Tad O'Malley, is seeking Mulder down with shocking news about aliens and what-what. Mulder skeptically watches O'Malley's video stream and wonders why Scully would be interested in getting dragged back into the mess. Scully just relays that she's the messenger. Mulder tells her to go ahead and have Skinner set up the meet. Then he says "But don't think I won't go it alone." To you that means:
A) The Punk is dragging the sainted one back into HIS mess anyway! What a Punk! Trout slap him now!
B) He's gonna Assemble the Avengers! ...what?
C) They're gonna get married, and THEN go to the meet as a couple! ...well, it COULD mean that!
10) Look, everybody! It's a CGI background of the Capitol Dome! That can only mean one thing!
A) They're filming in Vancouver again!
B) They're filming in Los Angeles again!
C) Dana and Fox are gonna see each other again!
11) Mulder and Scully meet, exchange words. They talk like an amicable ex-couple, with Scully worrying about Mulder not getting out of that sad farmhouse from the second movie and Mulder being flippant and distant. Scully: "I'm always happy to see you." Mulder: "And I'm always happy to find a reason." You:
A) "Okay, Scully, now break out that trout and slap him with it! He talked you into that horrible second movie and he can't hide from it anymore!"
B) "What second movie? There never was a second movie. You can't convince me there was a lame horror attempt at a film about two-headed Russian gangsters, never, not in a million years!"
C) "NOOOOO Why are they talking like they haven't seen each other in years? NOooooooo, The RIFT! Damn NoRomos..."
12) A limo pulls up, and Tad O'Malley (look kids! It's that guy from Community! No, not the cool geeky one with the meta-awareness skills!) greets the former FBI agents and requests that they share a ride and discuss matters. O'Malley goes all paranoid, believing that drones are deployed to record conversations and that the limo is safer. You consider it and suggest:
A) That they use the DC Metro instead, with it being underground and hard for shadows to keep up with you. Unless they're not filming in DC, in which case they can use the LA subway instead.
B) That they deploy white noise filters and find a spot in the nearby Mall with high tree cover. Unless they're not filming in DC, in which case they can use the Vancouver mountainside.
C) That Dana and Fox go and find a nearby Comfort Inn in DC and deploy the magic fingers bed! Sigh.
13) O'Malley's limo is well-stocked with expensive wine and bulletproof windows. He tries to sweet-talk the former agents but Mulder's having none of it, dismissing O'Malley's talk of believing in alien conspiracies only as a gimmick to get audiences rather than the truth. O'Malley questions Mulder about the X-Files but Mulder notes that's no longer a thing, "that book is closed." Scully notes it "for better or worse, we've moved on." Mulder wistfully adds, "Yes we have. For better or worse." You realize this means:
A) "OH NO, Scully lost her desk from Season Eight!"
B) "OH NO, The prop guys at the studio lost the filing cabinets!"
C) "OH NO THEY DIVORCED DANA AND FOX BROKE UP NOOOOOO" (cry) (curl up in fetal position)
14) Mulder tries to test O'Malley's knowledge of UFO lore by tossing out an obscure abduction incident. It's a pretty low-key one as well, which O'Malley answers much like reading the text straight from a book. Mulder at least seems impressed he's done the homework. For yourself:
A) You know there's a better test to use: the Trout Slap Endurance. If he can withstand fifty trout slaps, he's solid, he's cool...
B) You know an even better test: The Voight-Kampff test! So, you see this tortoise in the desert...
C) You know an even better test: The OKCupid tests! Including the one where Fox can find out if Dana is his one-in-five-billion. Sigh...
15) O'Malley takes Mulder and Scully to a remote house, where a young woman with a noticeable accent (but hard to place, Russian, Ukrainian, Klingon?) greets them and notes at the door that Mulder has seen her before, which he doesn't recall. Sveta proceeds to talk about her abduction experiences, including the harvesting of her babies, genetic manipulation to make her psychic which she tries to demonstrate by 'reading' Mulder with some success, and displays signs of physical mutilation in the form of carved-out chunks of her flesh. But unlike previous abduction stories, Sveta isn't blaming aliens: she's blaming the secret cabal of human military agents we know as the Syndicate as the real culprits all along. You try listening to half of this and realize:
A) Man, Chris Carter really painted himself into a corner years ago, didn't he?
B) They already covered most of this from the Season Four finale Gethsemane!
C) Noooooo, they brought up poor baby William, noooooooooooooo no wonder Dana and Fox drifted apart...
16) Sveta is willing to undergo a medical exam by Scully, during which Sveta tries to convince the skeptical agent that her experimentation has given her some telekinetic abilities as well as telepathic. When asked, Sveta admits "not right now" and gets rather defensive. "How would you know what it's like, to be abducted and experimented on by aliens?" Sveta whines. Scully just smiles and leans towards her. And stares. AND JUST STARES AT HER. And Sveta gets this Oh Crap look on her face when she realizes Scully does know what it's like. You know:
A) Sveta's a goner! KICK HER ASS, SWAT!SCULLY
B) Sveta's a con artist... Her "mind-reading" ability is mostly picking up visual cues and knowing the back-histories of her marks. Except she never got the homework on Scully, did she...
C) OH NO YOU DIDN'T, GIRL. Nobody questions Dana's maternal leanings!
17) While Scully is busy, O'Malley takes Mulder to a remote warehouse/airfield where scientists are working on their own alien tech. Utilizing such catch-phrases as "zero-point energy" and rare elements like Ununpentium (115), these scientists have reverse-engineered all nine seasons of the X-Files to reveal that the alien tech Mulder's been seeking all these years has been man-made all along. As they successfully make the triangular airplane-shaped craft hover above Mulder's head and make it turn invisibile, you point out:
A) "Wait! Ununpentium is highly radioactive, and NOBODY'S wearing hazmat suits near this thing?!"
B) "Wait! Isn't it a common plot point that every time Mulder gets to see something like this, the bad guys show up twenty minutes later and blow it all up? You scientists aren't that smart!"
C) "Wait! Fox needs to go give Dana a hug and talk about what happened to their son! Sniff..."
18) While another flashback to the crashed UFO shows the doctor then recovering the bullet-riddled corpse of an alien distracts our attention, O'Malley goes to butter up Scully while she works at the hospital while Sveta goes to Mulder to talk to him more about what she knows about the men behind her abductions. While Scully remains cryptic towards O'Malley's attempts to get her to trust him, Mulder buys into Sveta's story and starts ranting to Scully over the phone about Sveta being "the key" to everything. You recall:
A) That the Punk keeps thinking someone else is THE KEY to unraveling the Truth every other episode back in the day! /headdesk
B) That these back-and-forth phone conversations were a lot more fun when they used flip-phones!
C) The RIFT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
19) The scene shifts to an empty office. It's somewhere in the basement of the Hoover Building. Mulder enters to find a ladder, a bunch of pencils sticking in the ceiling where he put them for seven seasons (remember, Eight and Nine he was AWOL), and his I WANT TO BELIEVE poster left strewn on the floor. Skinner (look kids! Mitch Pileggi!) now older and with a grandfatherly beard tries to remind Mulder that the files were all stolen back when Doggett and Reyes were assigned to the department (and before they disappeared not only from the bureau but from the show's narrative). Mulder thought the files were still there, and gets upset that he'd been lied to and manipulated from the very beginning. He kicks at his own poster, tearing it. You take this all in and consider the most implausible part of this entire scene:
A) That the FBI allowed those pencils to stay up there for 14 years! I mean, c'mon! EVERY office worker will tell you, they need every pencil they can get! And there's a ladder right there! Sheesh...
B) That the janitors would leave their cleaning cart there where any agent can steal it! I mean, c'mon, same reason as leaving those pencils around.
C) That Dana's not there to complain about losing her nameplate! Okay, normally this would be an A) answer, but I needed to put the pencils gag up top where it would work better with B), and... and...
D) Mulder just giving his number to Skinner now. C'mon! I don't care about the NSA being the numbers-keepers, but as an Assistant Director to the FBI even Skinner should have a way to get information on ANYBODY... Also, it has nothing to do with you Damn Slashers! (Note: for those who don't get the joke, there's an occasional D) option whenever Skinner or another major character does something of interest)
20) O'Malley's back on his TV show ranting about gun rights, but tries to take a minute to talk about Scully's work helping kids as a likely ploy to get her to trust him more. Meanwhile, Scully is looking at medical results she'd gotten back on Sveta, and asks her co-worker to have them re-tested for something she noticed (or didn't) in the results. You know this means:
A) Scully has proof Sveta's a fake! TROUT SLAP HER
B) Scully has concerns her own blood that she's testing is showing the same signs as Sveta's! UH OH
C) Dana's gonna need a HUG
21) Mulder does his patented "Meet a Secret Source Out in the Open for Some Godforsaken Reason" moment, this time with a BRAND NEW SPECIAL GUEST INFORMANT we'll call Grumpy Old Man. Once again Mulder throws out his guesswork about the latest clues he's getting: everything pointing to the whole ALIENS plot as a smokescreen for Secret Government Takeover. Grumpy Old Man mocks the earlier mytharc stuff about warring factions setting each other on fire, and that Mulder still hasn't fit all the puzzles together for him to give him the full truth. Which is more infuriating to you?
A) That Scully never gets these cryptic informants! Why can't she meet with crazy old people in alleyways and rooftops and dark places in Vancouver?! (insert Troutslap aimed at Chris Carter)
B) That every time a so-called informant steps up to provide information, THEY REALLY DON'T. They just stand there and say "You're close" or "You can't comprehend it yet" or "If I reveal too much, people will stop watching this show." IT GOT OLD DURING THE ORIGINAL SERIES AND IT'S BORING NOW. (insert Headdesk)
C) THAT DANA AND FOX HAVEN'T SHARED TEA YET THIS EPISODE. (insert 'Shipper Rage)
22) Scully drives out to the Mulder farm to talk with him about everything O'Malley's been handing to them. Mulder meets her and they do talk, but it quickly devolves into another argument over Mulder's obsessions getting the better of him (AGAIN). You know this means:
A) Scully needs to bring more Trout!
B) Neither of them are really listening to each other: Mulder's not taking the time to calm down to listen to Scully's reason, and Scully's unable to look at Mulder's belief structure as a virtue that needs better direction. There. I just provided sound couple counseling, that'll be $150 and we'll schedule the next session for a week from now, okay?
C) NOOOOOOOOOO THE RIFT NOOOOOOOOOOOO damn you NoRomos!
23) O'Malley shows up for Mulder to provide his latest theory, and Scully is forced to sit in. As Sveta joins the group to listen, Mulder expounds on what he thinks is the Truth: Since the end of the Second World War, aliens began visiting Earth out of concern regarding the development of atomic weapons, and that secret power brokers within our government began a program of capturing and exploiting alien tech for their own plans of global conquest. O'Malley adds in how the political elements - fomenting race riots, man-made climate change, terror attacks, foreign wars - would justify setting up a police state for an all-out takeover of America (and then the world). Even FEMA gets name-dropped (AGAIN).
Scully for her part listens to their conspiracy theory and then shoots it down as "fear-mongering claptrap" with little evidence to back it up, and that it borders on treason. O'Malley claims he'll say all that on his upcoming show. Mulder tells Scully "it's what people need to know." And Sveta adds "Even if it's the truth."
Scully then looks at her and notes that Sveta's tests for alien DNA came back negative. She is NOT the key Mulder thinks she is. With that bombshell dropped, Scully walks out of the room with Mulder left silent. Your response is:
A) "YES, that is Scully bringing everyone back to the real world!"
B) "Here's the thing: if these men in government and business were already so powerful as to control our media, our military, our police, our resources, and our very lives pretty much, WHY F-CKING STAGE A TAKEOVER for something THEY already control?!?!"
C) This is now the lowest point a 'Shipper could ever be at. Dana and Fox, nowhere near giving each other a comforting hug... the RIFT THE RIFT NOOOOOooooo...
24) Everything falls apart in quick succession. Sveta accuses to the national media that O'Malley paid her to tell stories about alien abductions. Military humvees slam into the airport warehouse where the scientists' UFO is stored, where the quickly plant explosives and have the craft and the scientists explode, destroying all trace. Also, secretive men in black show up and steal your DVD collection of Fringe while you were out pre-ordering the next Black Panther comic book series written by Ta-Nehisi Coates. By the time Scully finishes her work in surgery, she finds O'Malley's site is down and he's likely disappeared/removed from the picture, even as she gets her own test results back in. You take this all in and determine:
A) Damn, when Scully shoots down an outlandish theory, it gets shot down...!
B) The next group of scientists trying to replicate alien tech should NEVER let Mulder see what they're working on! You know, not until they land it on the White House lawn for all the world to see. He's just BAD LUCK, people!
C) This better lead to make-up hugs!
25) Scully finds Mulder moping about at the hospital parking garage. He's upset that all his work has gone for naught, again. Scully worries about Sveta. Mulder wonders why, since her tests came back negative. Scully admits she had the tests run again, only the second time synced to Scully's own tests... which she knows has been tampered with due to her own abduction experience. On the second try, Sveta did show evidence of alien DNA... as well as Scully herself. You reply:
A) "Dammit, Scully, you could have asked Mulder to keep his mouth shut for another 24 hours or something until the second results came back!"
B) "Isn't just like this show to first debunk the narrative only to reclaim it before the end credits roll? MAKE UP YOUR MIND, CARTER..."
C) "Oh noes! Quick, Fox, HUG HER!"
Bonus Question) It's a dark deserted highway. Sveta is speeding away in a fancy-looking new car, only to have the car stall in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly there's a bright light overhead, and Sveta cries in terror as a triangle-shaped UFO (FINALLY) shows up overhead. She struggles to open the door to get out, but just as she does, the car explodes... leaving little evidence other than a fiery hulk. You realize:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) NEVER DRIVE AWAY from an alien plot during a Mytharc episode at night on a deserted road! ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS drive in broad daylight on a truck-filled interstate with plenty of witnesses!
Bonus Bonus Question) It's a fireplace with the mantle reading the quote Carpe Diem. A man with noticeable burn scars on his hand and face is talking on a phone. The camera rolls around the other side of his face to reveal it's Cigarette Smoking Man (look kids, William B. Davis!), having survived his supposedly lethal illness and supposed incineration by helicopter attack. As he hangs up the phone to tell his colleague "They've re-opened the X-Files," his unseen companion places a cigarette in CSM's trachea hole (EEEEWWWWW) to let him smoke. As the Big Bad of the Mytharc smiles, we close the episode with this thought:
A) This is probably one of the best ways to scare kids off of smoking, like forever...
B) Considering the show Continuum just finished, it's a good thing this miniseries came back 'cause Davis needs the work...
C) The X-Files re-opened?! YES! More chances for Dana and Fox to flirt over dead bodies again!
If you more often than not answered:
A) You are a new recruit to the Order of the Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic, so welcome to the hazing ritual of getting a proper Trout Slap before your honorary Scullyrita!
B) You are a long-time fan of the X-Files glad that the show came back, but upset that Carter still doesn't understand a damn thing he's doing with the Mytharc!
C) You're a 'Shipper who misses the tea sharing, the hand holds, the long drawn out discussions about human spontaneous combustion, and those precious moments when Dana and Fox admit they only TRUST each other! And after this episode, we're still missing all of that! AAAUUUGGGH, the withdrawal symptoms. Damn NoRomos, taking over the writers' room like that...
What do you think, sirs? Damn, this took me three dedicated evenings to write this up, and I know I missed a few details...
It's back.
It's... still a confusing mytharc mess.
Sigh.
I'll try to get through this without as much damage to the original timeline as I can make it.
On the bright side: MULDER AND SCULLY ARE BACK IN TOWN
 |
| From the Movie Pilot site |
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: My Struggle
Um, to the Germans visiting my website, I know that title is going to be a bit problematic at best...
1) The episode begins with... AH HELL IT'S A REVIVAL EPISODE OF THE X-FILES WHO CARES! LET'S CELEBRATE!
A) You're gonna write a survey and dammit no more distractions! (trout slap)
B) We were promised cake.
C) DANA AND FOX ARE BACK! YAAAAAAAAY!
2) Okay, it really begins with Fox Mulder (Look kids! David Duchovny!) narrating about the past as he places folders and photos atop a desk: his troubled past of his sister's abduction by aliens, his rise within the ranks of the FBI pursuing bizarre cases hidden away in a covert department known as the X-Files, his teaming up with another agent Dana Scully (Look kids! Gillian Anderson!), their travails trying to uncover the TRUTH about the existence of extraterrestrials and the oncoming invasion, and their subsequent exile from the Bureau. As the pile of documents and pictures burst into flames, you take it all in and think:
A) Why does Mulder get to do the opening narration? Scully can narrate too, you know! Damn that Punk!
B) Is this the opening shot of about 500 different MTV videos from the mid-1980s?
C) NOOOOO! The picture of Dana and Fox shouldn't be burning! That's a bad omen before the wedding!
3) As Mulder continues to narrate about the plausibility about alien visitations, a UFO crashes in a remote desert. And then... THE THEME MUSIC and original credits roll! WOO-HOO! PARTY TIME, THE NINETIES ARE BACK BABY WE NEVER LEFT IT WOO-HOO!
A) We're not going to get through this survey with any semblance of sanity, are we?
B) Um, there may be a need for nostalgia here, but couldn't the network pay a little more to update the opening credits from 1993? (sees that they added Mitch Pileggi as Skinner) Well, okay, that's an improvement...
C) BREAK OUT THE TEA, KIDS! DANA AND FOX ARE GONNA HOLD HANDS AND FLIRT OVER AUTOPSIES AGAIN! (literally calling on the kids, it's been more than twenty years now, there has to be younguns in high school groaning about their parents' obsession with this 'Ship)
4) We're still in the desert, 1947, clear reference to Roswell. A bus with most of the windows painted black to hide location from the occupants drives down a desert road. A lone military officer, with the doctor's lapel badge, being escorted by a man in a black suit ride out to the crash site. As the doctor stares in amazement at the crash, you realize:
A) This doctor better have the common sense and divine wisdom of the Blessed Skeptic!
B) Hey! Weren't the UFOs in the original series all TRIANGLE-SHAPED?! What gives with the saucer look! We know damn well the REAL spaceships weren't disks, this is insulting, dammit Chris Carter you're making us toss all the books in the 001.92 shelf area at your head for your faux pas over here!
C) You're going into withdrawal symptoms too early. It's been years since your last 'Shipper fix and DAMMIT TONIGHT YOU NEED A HIT...
5) Flash-forward to 2016. A woman is prepping for surgery when an urgent call comes in. The camera doesn't reveal the face until we find out the call is coming in from an Assistant Director Skinner. Then Gillian Anderson turns to the camera and ZOMG IT'S SCULLY!
A) IT'S THE BLESSED ONE! KNEEL, YOU FOOLS!
B) Hey, wasn't she on Hannibal earlier this season?
C) Faint
6) Scene shifts to someone watching Barack Obama on the Jimmy Kimmel show, joking about UFOs.
A) Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on an Arrow/Flash crossover episode.
B) Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on Supergirl.
C) There's no way Barry can cameo on Agents Of SHIELD: they've already established that they're in a different universe where actor William Sadler became President. So this answer has to go "Dammit, Barry, I thought you'd hold out for a cameo appearance on Doctor Who."
Side note: I gotta wonder, was Barry ever posting on the alt.tv.x-files Usenet back in the day?! I mean, that was well back when he wasn't in elected office and all, and he's a full-on geek... he HAD to have been a fan back in the day, you think?! Everybody, check the archives for a B_OBOMA_XPhile account!
7) We discover that Mulder is watching the show, and when he gets the call he sees it's Scully and he gripes to her right off the bat about how his entire life's work has been turned into a punchline. You reply:
A) "Dammit, you Punk, it's always the Me Me Me whining out of you!"
B) "That's the problem with the 21st Century. Everyone's forgotten the phone etiquette of the 90s!"
C) "Dammit, Fox, instead of a phone conversation you could meet with Dana face-to-face. AND THEN KISS HER!"
8) Scully tells Mulder that Skinner is looking for him. Mulder: "Why doesn't he just call me?" Scully: "He doesn't have your phone number, dummy!" You:
A) "Well, that's what Scully should have said!"
B) "Skinner's with the freaking FBI! THEY'VE GOT EVERYBODY'S PHONE NUMBER!" (Survey writer is informed by his DIA contacts that it's actually the NSA, not the FBI or the CIA. WTF with this POS, IDK)
C) "Damn Slashers, it's not what you think!"
9) Scully tells Mulder that a high-profile conspiracy guy on the media, a Tad O'Malley, is seeking Mulder down with shocking news about aliens and what-what. Mulder skeptically watches O'Malley's video stream and wonders why Scully would be interested in getting dragged back into the mess. Scully just relays that she's the messenger. Mulder tells her to go ahead and have Skinner set up the meet. Then he says "But don't think I won't go it alone." To you that means:
A) The Punk is dragging the sainted one back into HIS mess anyway! What a Punk! Trout slap him now!
B) He's gonna Assemble the Avengers! ...what?
C) They're gonna get married, and THEN go to the meet as a couple! ...well, it COULD mean that!
10) Look, everybody! It's a CGI background of the Capitol Dome! That can only mean one thing!
A) They're filming in Vancouver again!
B) They're filming in Los Angeles again!
C) Dana and Fox are gonna see each other again!
11) Mulder and Scully meet, exchange words. They talk like an amicable ex-couple, with Scully worrying about Mulder not getting out of that sad farmhouse from the second movie and Mulder being flippant and distant. Scully: "I'm always happy to see you." Mulder: "And I'm always happy to find a reason." You:
A) "Okay, Scully, now break out that trout and slap him with it! He talked you into that horrible second movie and he can't hide from it anymore!"
B) "What second movie? There never was a second movie. You can't convince me there was a lame horror attempt at a film about two-headed Russian gangsters, never, not in a million years!"
C) "NOOOOO Why are they talking like they haven't seen each other in years? NOooooooo, The RIFT! Damn NoRomos..."
12) A limo pulls up, and Tad O'Malley (look kids! It's that guy from Community! No, not the cool geeky one with the meta-awareness skills!) greets the former FBI agents and requests that they share a ride and discuss matters. O'Malley goes all paranoid, believing that drones are deployed to record conversations and that the limo is safer. You consider it and suggest:
A) That they use the DC Metro instead, with it being underground and hard for shadows to keep up with you. Unless they're not filming in DC, in which case they can use the LA subway instead.
B) That they deploy white noise filters and find a spot in the nearby Mall with high tree cover. Unless they're not filming in DC, in which case they can use the Vancouver mountainside.
C) That Dana and Fox go and find a nearby Comfort Inn in DC and deploy the magic fingers bed! Sigh.
13) O'Malley's limo is well-stocked with expensive wine and bulletproof windows. He tries to sweet-talk the former agents but Mulder's having none of it, dismissing O'Malley's talk of believing in alien conspiracies only as a gimmick to get audiences rather than the truth. O'Malley questions Mulder about the X-Files but Mulder notes that's no longer a thing, "that book is closed." Scully notes it "for better or worse, we've moved on." Mulder wistfully adds, "Yes we have. For better or worse." You realize this means:
A) "OH NO, Scully lost her desk from Season Eight!"
B) "OH NO, The prop guys at the studio lost the filing cabinets!"
C) "OH NO THEY DIVORCED DANA AND FOX BROKE UP NOOOOOO" (cry) (curl up in fetal position)
14) Mulder tries to test O'Malley's knowledge of UFO lore by tossing out an obscure abduction incident. It's a pretty low-key one as well, which O'Malley answers much like reading the text straight from a book. Mulder at least seems impressed he's done the homework. For yourself:
A) You know there's a better test to use: the Trout Slap Endurance. If he can withstand fifty trout slaps, he's solid, he's cool...
B) You know an even better test: The Voight-Kampff test! So, you see this tortoise in the desert...
C) You know an even better test: The OKCupid tests! Including the one where Fox can find out if Dana is his one-in-five-billion. Sigh...
15) O'Malley takes Mulder and Scully to a remote house, where a young woman with a noticeable accent (but hard to place, Russian, Ukrainian, Klingon?) greets them and notes at the door that Mulder has seen her before, which he doesn't recall. Sveta proceeds to talk about her abduction experiences, including the harvesting of her babies, genetic manipulation to make her psychic which she tries to demonstrate by 'reading' Mulder with some success, and displays signs of physical mutilation in the form of carved-out chunks of her flesh. But unlike previous abduction stories, Sveta isn't blaming aliens: she's blaming the secret cabal of human military agents we know as the Syndicate as the real culprits all along. You try listening to half of this and realize:
A) Man, Chris Carter really painted himself into a corner years ago, didn't he?
B) They already covered most of this from the Season Four finale Gethsemane!
C) Noooooo, they brought up poor baby William, noooooooooooooo no wonder Dana and Fox drifted apart...
16) Sveta is willing to undergo a medical exam by Scully, during which Sveta tries to convince the skeptical agent that her experimentation has given her some telekinetic abilities as well as telepathic. When asked, Sveta admits "not right now" and gets rather defensive. "How would you know what it's like, to be abducted and experimented on by aliens?" Sveta whines. Scully just smiles and leans towards her. And stares. AND JUST STARES AT HER. And Sveta gets this Oh Crap look on her face when she realizes Scully does know what it's like. You know:
A) Sveta's a goner! KICK HER ASS, SWAT!SCULLY
B) Sveta's a con artist... Her "mind-reading" ability is mostly picking up visual cues and knowing the back-histories of her marks. Except she never got the homework on Scully, did she...
C) OH NO YOU DIDN'T, GIRL. Nobody questions Dana's maternal leanings!
17) While Scully is busy, O'Malley takes Mulder to a remote warehouse/airfield where scientists are working on their own alien tech. Utilizing such catch-phrases as "zero-point energy" and rare elements like Ununpentium (115), these scientists have reverse-engineered all nine seasons of the X-Files to reveal that the alien tech Mulder's been seeking all these years has been man-made all along. As they successfully make the triangular airplane-shaped craft hover above Mulder's head and make it turn invisibile, you point out:
A) "Wait! Ununpentium is highly radioactive, and NOBODY'S wearing hazmat suits near this thing?!"
B) "Wait! Isn't it a common plot point that every time Mulder gets to see something like this, the bad guys show up twenty minutes later and blow it all up? You scientists aren't that smart!"
C) "Wait! Fox needs to go give Dana a hug and talk about what happened to their son! Sniff..."
18) While another flashback to the crashed UFO shows the doctor then recovering the bullet-riddled corpse of an alien distracts our attention, O'Malley goes to butter up Scully while she works at the hospital while Sveta goes to Mulder to talk to him more about what she knows about the men behind her abductions. While Scully remains cryptic towards O'Malley's attempts to get her to trust him, Mulder buys into Sveta's story and starts ranting to Scully over the phone about Sveta being "the key" to everything. You recall:
A) That the Punk keeps thinking someone else is THE KEY to unraveling the Truth every other episode back in the day! /headdesk
B) That these back-and-forth phone conversations were a lot more fun when they used flip-phones!
C) The RIFT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
19) The scene shifts to an empty office. It's somewhere in the basement of the Hoover Building. Mulder enters to find a ladder, a bunch of pencils sticking in the ceiling where he put them for seven seasons (remember, Eight and Nine he was AWOL), and his I WANT TO BELIEVE poster left strewn on the floor. Skinner (look kids! Mitch Pileggi!) now older and with a grandfatherly beard tries to remind Mulder that the files were all stolen back when Doggett and Reyes were assigned to the department (and before they disappeared not only from the bureau but from the show's narrative). Mulder thought the files were still there, and gets upset that he'd been lied to and manipulated from the very beginning. He kicks at his own poster, tearing it. You take this all in and consider the most implausible part of this entire scene:
A) That the FBI allowed those pencils to stay up there for 14 years! I mean, c'mon! EVERY office worker will tell you, they need every pencil they can get! And there's a ladder right there! Sheesh...
B) That the janitors would leave their cleaning cart there where any agent can steal it! I mean, c'mon, same reason as leaving those pencils around.
C) That Dana's not there to complain about losing her nameplate! Okay, normally this would be an A) answer, but I needed to put the pencils gag up top where it would work better with B), and... and...
D) Mulder just giving his number to Skinner now. C'mon! I don't care about the NSA being the numbers-keepers, but as an Assistant Director to the FBI even Skinner should have a way to get information on ANYBODY... Also, it has nothing to do with you Damn Slashers! (Note: for those who don't get the joke, there's an occasional D) option whenever Skinner or another major character does something of interest)
20) O'Malley's back on his TV show ranting about gun rights, but tries to take a minute to talk about Scully's work helping kids as a likely ploy to get her to trust him more. Meanwhile, Scully is looking at medical results she'd gotten back on Sveta, and asks her co-worker to have them re-tested for something she noticed (or didn't) in the results. You know this means:
A) Scully has proof Sveta's a fake! TROUT SLAP HER
B) Scully has concerns her own blood that she's testing is showing the same signs as Sveta's! UH OH
C) Dana's gonna need a HUG
21) Mulder does his patented "Meet a Secret Source Out in the Open for Some Godforsaken Reason" moment, this time with a BRAND NEW SPECIAL GUEST INFORMANT we'll call Grumpy Old Man. Once again Mulder throws out his guesswork about the latest clues he's getting: everything pointing to the whole ALIENS plot as a smokescreen for Secret Government Takeover. Grumpy Old Man mocks the earlier mytharc stuff about warring factions setting each other on fire, and that Mulder still hasn't fit all the puzzles together for him to give him the full truth. Which is more infuriating to you?
A) That Scully never gets these cryptic informants! Why can't she meet with crazy old people in alleyways and rooftops and dark places in Vancouver?! (insert Troutslap aimed at Chris Carter)
B) That every time a so-called informant steps up to provide information, THEY REALLY DON'T. They just stand there and say "You're close" or "You can't comprehend it yet" or "If I reveal too much, people will stop watching this show." IT GOT OLD DURING THE ORIGINAL SERIES AND IT'S BORING NOW. (insert Headdesk)
C) THAT DANA AND FOX HAVEN'T SHARED TEA YET THIS EPISODE. (insert 'Shipper Rage)
22) Scully drives out to the Mulder farm to talk with him about everything O'Malley's been handing to them. Mulder meets her and they do talk, but it quickly devolves into another argument over Mulder's obsessions getting the better of him (AGAIN). You know this means:
A) Scully needs to bring more Trout!
B) Neither of them are really listening to each other: Mulder's not taking the time to calm down to listen to Scully's reason, and Scully's unable to look at Mulder's belief structure as a virtue that needs better direction. There. I just provided sound couple counseling, that'll be $150 and we'll schedule the next session for a week from now, okay?
C) NOOOOOOOOOO THE RIFT NOOOOOOOOOOOO damn you NoRomos!
23) O'Malley shows up for Mulder to provide his latest theory, and Scully is forced to sit in. As Sveta joins the group to listen, Mulder expounds on what he thinks is the Truth: Since the end of the Second World War, aliens began visiting Earth out of concern regarding the development of atomic weapons, and that secret power brokers within our government began a program of capturing and exploiting alien tech for their own plans of global conquest. O'Malley adds in how the political elements - fomenting race riots, man-made climate change, terror attacks, foreign wars - would justify setting up a police state for an all-out takeover of America (and then the world). Even FEMA gets name-dropped (AGAIN).
Scully for her part listens to their conspiracy theory and then shoots it down as "fear-mongering claptrap" with little evidence to back it up, and that it borders on treason. O'Malley claims he'll say all that on his upcoming show. Mulder tells Scully "it's what people need to know." And Sveta adds "Even if it's the truth."
Scully then looks at her and notes that Sveta's tests for alien DNA came back negative. She is NOT the key Mulder thinks she is. With that bombshell dropped, Scully walks out of the room with Mulder left silent. Your response is:
A) "YES, that is Scully bringing everyone back to the real world!"
B) "Here's the thing: if these men in government and business were already so powerful as to control our media, our military, our police, our resources, and our very lives pretty much, WHY F-CKING STAGE A TAKEOVER for something THEY already control?!?!"
C) This is now the lowest point a 'Shipper could ever be at. Dana and Fox, nowhere near giving each other a comforting hug... the RIFT THE RIFT NOOOOOooooo...
24) Everything falls apart in quick succession. Sveta accuses to the national media that O'Malley paid her to tell stories about alien abductions. Military humvees slam into the airport warehouse where the scientists' UFO is stored, where the quickly plant explosives and have the craft and the scientists explode, destroying all trace. Also, secretive men in black show up and steal your DVD collection of Fringe while you were out pre-ordering the next Black Panther comic book series written by Ta-Nehisi Coates. By the time Scully finishes her work in surgery, she finds O'Malley's site is down and he's likely disappeared/removed from the picture, even as she gets her own test results back in. You take this all in and determine:
A) Damn, when Scully shoots down an outlandish theory, it gets shot down...!
B) The next group of scientists trying to replicate alien tech should NEVER let Mulder see what they're working on! You know, not until they land it on the White House lawn for all the world to see. He's just BAD LUCK, people!
C) This better lead to make-up hugs!
25) Scully finds Mulder moping about at the hospital parking garage. He's upset that all his work has gone for naught, again. Scully worries about Sveta. Mulder wonders why, since her tests came back negative. Scully admits she had the tests run again, only the second time synced to Scully's own tests... which she knows has been tampered with due to her own abduction experience. On the second try, Sveta did show evidence of alien DNA... as well as Scully herself. You reply:
A) "Dammit, Scully, you could have asked Mulder to keep his mouth shut for another 24 hours or something until the second results came back!"
B) "Isn't just like this show to first debunk the narrative only to reclaim it before the end credits roll? MAKE UP YOUR MIND, CARTER..."
C) "Oh noes! Quick, Fox, HUG HER!"
Bonus Question) It's a dark deserted highway. Sveta is speeding away in a fancy-looking new car, only to have the car stall in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly there's a bright light overhead, and Sveta cries in terror as a triangle-shaped UFO (FINALLY) shows up overhead. She struggles to open the door to get out, but just as she does, the car explodes... leaving little evidence other than a fiery hulk. You realize:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) NEVER DRIVE AWAY from an alien plot during a Mytharc episode at night on a deserted road! ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS drive in broad daylight on a truck-filled interstate with plenty of witnesses!
Bonus Bonus Question) It's a fireplace with the mantle reading the quote Carpe Diem. A man with noticeable burn scars on his hand and face is talking on a phone. The camera rolls around the other side of his face to reveal it's Cigarette Smoking Man (look kids, William B. Davis!), having survived his supposedly lethal illness and supposed incineration by helicopter attack. As he hangs up the phone to tell his colleague "They've re-opened the X-Files," his unseen companion places a cigarette in CSM's trachea hole (EEEEWWWWW) to let him smoke. As the Big Bad of the Mytharc smiles, we close the episode with this thought:
A) This is probably one of the best ways to scare kids off of smoking, like forever...
B) Considering the show Continuum just finished, it's a good thing this miniseries came back 'cause Davis needs the work...
C) The X-Files re-opened?! YES! More chances for Dana and Fox to flirt over dead bodies again!
If you more often than not answered:
A) You are a new recruit to the Order of the Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic, so welcome to the hazing ritual of getting a proper Trout Slap before your honorary Scullyrita!
B) You are a long-time fan of the X-Files glad that the show came back, but upset that Carter still doesn't understand a damn thing he's doing with the Mytharc!
C) You're a 'Shipper who misses the tea sharing, the hand holds, the long drawn out discussions about human spontaneous combustion, and those precious moments when Dana and Fox admit they only TRUST each other! And after this episode, we're still missing all of that! AAAUUUGGGH, the withdrawal symptoms. Damn NoRomos, taking over the writers' room like that...
What do you think, sirs? Damn, this took me three dedicated evenings to write this up, and I know I missed a few details...
Sunday, January 17, 2016
X-Files: Three Words 'Shipper Survey
So here we are ONE WEEK AWAY from the return of the cult favorite show THE X-FILES!
And there's still a ton of Mytharc episodes I could throw at you that were done as 'Shipper Surveys. One thing I haven't done yet is put in a recap survey from Season Eight: The Season Where Duchovny Went Half-and-Half, and this is also the season where Scully's pregnancy was a major plot point of said Mytharc.
I know these postings are not in any order, but then again by Season Seven it became clear the crew making this show didn't care much for continuity... Also, if you pay attention you may notice part of this survey was written during an OBSSE marathon get-together in Orlando, ages ago. Sniff, nobody from the St. Scully group has called me back, has it been that long away...?
THREE WORDS
Three Words? Sure: Klaatu Barada Necktie! What?...
1) It's the White House. All right, the cross-over episode with "The West Wing" we've always been hoping for! A seemingly normal civil service worker (trust me, a guy looking like that in D.C. has got to be manning a federal desk!) scales the fence surrounding POTUS's babe-magnet mansion and tries his best to invade the premises. Good luck. This place has more security than a high school. Sure enough, SWAT Secret Service guys tackle the man, who blabbers about alien invasions taking place RIGHT NOW. A gun is shown. The guy shoots himself (?!). Oswald escapes into a movie theater. Whoops, wrong shooting. The dying man holds up a CD, begging it be given to the President. When you see the disk's title as "Fight The Future," you shout out:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) "WHAT?! All this for a bootleg DVD copy of the X-Files movie?! Sheesh, man, the Prez coulda picked up a clean copy at the nearest Blockbuster Video, you moron!..."
2) It's the hospital from last week's episode. Mulder still shows a few scars from his abduction ordeal. Scully and another doctor enter. Mulder tells them he's fit as a fiddle, but they already know: in fact, he's healing too rapidly. Even the affliction he was suffering from before the abduction has faded. He's in perfect health. Which tells you:
A) That Scully's medical skill is DAMN good. Hey, can we get her on our HMO as a primary care physician?...
B) Chris Carter wants this part of the mytharc wrapped up NOW. He's ready to ridicule whatever else remains of the show's continuity, so let's move on shall we?...
C) All an abductee needs to get better is some TLC! Sigh...
3) Next thing we know, Scully is shepherding Mulder back into his apartment. His apartment. Wait. He was found dead. He was buried. That was three months ago in the X-Files Universe. Are you telling me someone kept his apartment? They kept his furniture? They kept his porno vids?!?! Three months, people! In a major metropolitan area like D.C., and they can't unload an apartment whose tenant was abducted and was presumed dead and all of that!!! Excuse me! Someone DID NOT THINK THIS THROUGH!!! Dammit! Chris Carter must have been brainwashed by the Continuity Geniuses that oversee the Highlander franchise!!! AUGH! Now, while you're screaming just like this survey writer is, you're sure the best way Chris Carter could have stuck to continuity was:
A) To have the Punk stay at a Motel Six! They leave the light on for ya!
B) Stick to sacred banana slug stories! (Chant) (Revere)
C) To have Fox move in with Dana, who would keep apologizing about losing his futon and porno vids but at least kept the fish.
NOTE: It seems one of the fish died. That was the only thing to change at the apartment. Go ahead. Keep grumbling about it. *I* certainly do!...
4) It's awkward in Mulder's apartment. Not because the porno tapes were returned to Blockbuster. It's because Mulder and Scully are talking about her pregnancy. Ah. Scully is bordering on tears. Mulder, his male insensitivity genes kicking in, is talking like he's not sure how that happened and like he might not be the father. You:
A) Scream "Insensitive Male Punk!" (Trout-slap)
B) Chant "Bwha-Ha-Ha! The NoRomos Win!"
C) Gargle Gershwin. No, wait, you scream "Fox! Admit it! You shagged her royally and she's carrying your love child! Damn NoRomos!"
5) It's prison. The cast of "Oz" is not prepared for a cross-over episode with the X-Files and half the cast has already been killed off by Chaco Chicken Cannibals. So we switch over to Cell Block Q where Absalom is contemplating his place in the universe. The prison librarian walks over with a book titled "The Coming Apocalypse," that book written by Martin Landau's character from the movie. Now *THIS* bit of continuity they remember. Sheesh. Absalom reads about the dead government clerk and cries. You realize:
A) This guy needs to get out more! No, wait...
B) Absalom needs to find more uplifting literary reads. Can't the prison librarian recommend a title or two from Ursula Hegi?...
C) The Slashers would say something inappropriate here, so let's move on...
6) Kersh is waiting in his office to see Skinner and Doggett. Kersh wants to talk about Mulder being re-instated to the X-Files office. Naturally, that's not going to happen. Kersh, looking for any excuse to keep Mulder in custodial services where he belongs, points up this fact that Doggett has a higher arrest rate working the X-Files than Mulder did. Kersh is forgetting, though, that the mass arrest of slug worshippers is throwing off the grading scale. Doggett isn't thrilled with the idea of ruining Mulder's life just as he's getting out of the grave. Kersh snarls, "Maybe you'd rather I close the X-Files. Then we'd both be getting what we want." You reply:
A) "How do you know what Doggett wants? For all we know, what he wants is a Phillips CD-R system so he can burn his own Shania Twain disks!"
B) "Kersh wants to close the X-Files? Really? Then how will the FBI be able to investigate liver-eating mutants?"
C) "Hey! Will someone ask Walter to stop looking at John like that? Damn Slashers! (NOTE: Survey writer is still reading Jessica's recaps for Mightybigtv.com...)
7) Back at Mulder's apartment. No, really, who kept paying for it? Scully? Shouldn't she have been spending for an obstetrician? (NOTE: do pregnant women go to an obstetrician or is the doctor called something else. I'm a guy, so I have no personal experience in these matters) Skinner is telling Mulder the good news about Kersh. Mulder, going into full Paranoid! Mode, seems nonplused by these developments. He openly wonders about Doggett and where his loyalties lie. You want Scully tell him:
A) Doggett's loyalties lie with the OBSSE! He's Brother Dog, paying dues since 1997!
B) Doggett's loyalties lie with the Rebel Alliance, fleeing from the wrath of the Evil Galactic Empire! And he brought his lightsaber, too...
C) Doggett's just a good friend. Really, that's all he is. Okay, you bleeping NoRomos! Just let it go!...
8) Ah, yes, the future of the American penal system: chain gangs. Or is that a new reality show somewhere? Absalom is busy hiding a piece of wood with a nail in it from the guards. The transports arrive to take the prisoners back to Ruhe Pente. Absalom uses the board-and-nail on a guard and breaks off running. Quick, can anyone remember the early 80's band that sung "There's gonna be a jailbreak?" I can't get that song out of my head. Absalom runs for his freedom with a van in not-so-hot pursuit. I mean, the fastest a guy not training for the Olympics is what, 45 MPH tops? And this van's not even breaking the speed limit in a school zone, fer Blessed Slug's sakes. As Absalom makes good his escape, you think to yourself:
A) "Who does this guy think he is? Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man? Now, there was a guy who could run fast and make it look like slow motion!...(sigh)..."
B) "Okay, I want a hard target search of every house, henhouse, outhouse, doghouse, cathouse, Waffle House, White House, House of Games, house of cards, and Red House Over Yonder in that area. Roadblocks go up at fifteen miles! Our fugitive's name is...Joachim, from Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan! Go get him!"
C) "Dana. Fox. Chains of Love. It could work. Sigh."
NOTE: This scene is supposed to be taking place in West Virginia. To my knowledge, West Virginia does not have scrub brush desert vistas. Where's Vancouver when you need it?...
9) Doggett's big, empty house. Not for long. Doggett returns home to find Absalom waiting, having grabbed the agent's gun. He checks the back of Doggett's neck, relieved to find nothing there. He's here because of the dead civil service worker. Absalom wants Doggett to spread the word. You're sure the word is:
A) "Enigmatic!"
B) "Cerulean!"
C) "DanaLovesFoxYesThisIsMoreThanOneWordButTheyAreBeingPutTogetherAsOneWord!"
NOTE: I'm now writing this at Kimiye's house in Orlando during the OBSSE's Scullython on May 12. This kinda helps show you just how bleeped up my time management is dealing with moving into a new home, work, getting a girlfriend (unsuccessfully), feeding cats, etc.
10) FBI Headquarters. Skinner is giving field agents the update on Absalom's manhunt (shouldn't the U.S. Marshals be conducting this?...). He's describing the former Star Trek secondary character as "dangerous, unstable, and most likely another absentee Florida voter." Skinner points out the words carved into Absalom's prison cell. You're sure the words are:
A) "Protect the endangered banana slugs!"
B) "‘Shawshank Redemption' is overrated! ‘Chained Heat' rocks!"
C) "Fight the Prenuptial Agreement!"
11) Skinner and Scully are worried they can't reach Doggett and get him to find Absalom. Moot issue, as Doggett already knows where to look. Something else is going on, though. They're called down to the basement where Mulder, dressed again like an FBI agent, is eager to get to work. It seems, though, that Kersh doesn't want him to: both Scully and Skinner are terrified Mulder will get caught. Mulder, too reckless to care, starts poking through the Absalom stuff. Next thing you know, you're sure Mulder is going to:
A) Take back his desk! But it's not his anymore! It's Scully's!!!"
B) Change the voicemail message to "Mad Dog Pizza! We Deliver!"
C) Propose marriage to the one carrying his love child! And no, it's not Melissa Etheridge!"
12) Absalom is taping a gun onto Doggett's back, making sure he's got good aim at the back of the skull. But that's not important right now. What's important is that Mulder is sneaking around again breaking into storage rooms and causing trouble. Scully is tagging along, warning him she needs him to stay out of jail: who else is going to help out with lamaze class? Mulder finds the dead civil worker's laptop, conveniently containing every cheat code needed to win at "Evil Dead: Hail to the King." Scully decides to stop berating him and takes the laptop in for evidence. At this point you:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Look up from the computer to realize Kimiye has returned with the Subway sandwiches. The Scullython is about due for a lunch break! Be right back!!!
13) Okay. Burp. Subway Melt. Yum. Where were we? Oh. Absalom is using Doggett to guide his way into a vital office building of the United States Government. The Post Office? No. FEMA? Oh, please. That was so three seasons ago. Now it's the U.S. Census that's the key conspiratorial agency threatening the world. Absalom wants to break in, and he leads Doggett to an office space in the bowels of the spider's web of statistical data. Okay, NOW the guys with guns show up. Absalom screams he's got a hostage. Doggett warns the SWAT guys he's got a gun aimed at his head. There's a lot of yelling and shouting and...BLAM! Absalom gets shot. The survey writer was honestly surprised by this turn of events (I thought Absalom was good for at least two more episodes), but you know:
A) Scully would have avoided this whole mess by using her high heels to cut into Absalom's foot, then knocking him into the nearest car that has seats with fine Corinthian leather!
B) The identity of the sniper! It was Bobo the assassin chimp! He knows...no mercy!
C) John's going to need a hug. But not from Dana, she reserves them for Fox! Hmm. Walter? No, you damn Slashers! Monica? (Eww) How about someone new, maybe from Accounting?...
14) Doggett is reviewing the situation with Skinner. Mulder enters the room. This is what we call the "meet-cute" scene, in which Mulder once again introduces himself by beating the crap out of somebody. Skinner tries to break it up. Mulder's pissed both that Doggett's occupying his office to "bury the truth," and that he's taken Mulder's porno collection out of the bottom cabinet drawers. Doggett's being stoic in not throwing a punch but isn't about to back down. Skinner shoves Mulder out of the office, but tries to apologize for his behavior. You take this all in and decide the manliness man of this manly bunch is:
A) None of them. These sissies can never measure up to Scully's dad!
B) Whichever one doesn't have a prescription of Viagra. Real Men don't need medication.
C) Insert Slasher answer here. Damn Slashers!...
15) Scully's apartment. Frohike answers the door. What? FROHIKE?! Could he be...? Mulder and Frohike hug. But in a manly hetero way. They meet with Scully and the other Lone Gunmen, who are slumming from their own series long enough to ask about just how exactly Scully got pregnant. Mulder and Scully are incredibly tentative. You want either of them to say:
A) "Forget it! We're not naming the kid after you! ‘Lone Gunmen' Scully? The school bullies would have a field trip!..."
B) "Well, Langly, when a man and a woman love one another deeply enough, they get together over beer and pretzels and call the stork for delivery services and then..."
C) "We had sex! Okay! We had sex! The ‘Shippers can relax now! The UST has been resolved! And we're naming the kid after Pendrell!"
16) It turns out the Census worker uncovered something, something so hideous and so deplorable that he couldn't wait to save it for a movie sequel. However, whatever it was is now locked down behind a computer firewall so secure they can't even pretend Hollywood-style that they can hack into it. The only thing they can do is physically invade the facility. You know that means:
A) Scully's going to be performing autopsies on any secondary characters that aid them in the break-in within 2.6 minutes after the commercial!
B) Stunt doubles. Lots and lots of stunt doubles!
C) We get a teary farewell scene between two of the characters. Dammit, Frohike, you and Jimmy can resolve these things in another survey!...
17) Doggett goes for a walk in the park. He meets his friend Adam "Reliable He-Man Character Actor" Baldwin (any relation to the other Baldwins?...) we last saw double-crossing Scully in Per Manum. Doggett still thinks this guy is reliable. Of course, this being a mytharc episode his friend can't tell Doggett anything directly, just in riddles. Quick, what does he mean when he tells Doggett, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls?" You think it means:
A) Scully was caught vandalizing in her youth! Probably something like "Ramones Forever!" Sigh...
B) Someone's quoting from rock lyrics again!
C) Dana loves Fox? Well, everything means Dana loves Fox! Sigh
NOTE: I am now typing this Monday. It has been two days since being at Kimiye's. Being funny takes more time than it looks, ya?
18) Actually, Doggett's friend says, "Three words." You're sure the three words are:
A) "Gillian deserves Oscar recognition." No, damn, that's four words!
B) "Whadda ya mean, fans expect continuity?" No, that's six words!
C) "Dana Loves Fox." YAY! That fits!
19) Later. Doggett finds Scully on the street outside her apartment (which doesn't match her street from Seasons One, Two, Three, or Four. Are we missing Vancouver yet, folks?...). He's got word about what the dead civil service worker wanted to give the President. It was a disk of information. The password was three words. You're sure, absolutely positively sure, that Doggett is going to say the three words are:
A) "Where's Ma Scully?"
B) "Where's John Conner?"
C) "Fox should marry you, Dana. You obviously love one another, and you are carrying his uberchild, and...and...all right, so it's not three words, but still it needs to be said!"
20) Scully meets with Mulder. She's conflicted over whether or not to tell Mulder the three words. Much later. There's a knock at Doggett's door. This time he's got his gun ready. Smart lad. Skinner is there with word from Scully. She's upset, which means Skinner's upset, which means a lot of ladies who obsess over bald FBI directors are upset. But I digress. She passed the password on to Mulder, who's apparently acting on the information. Doggett is realizing he may have set Mulder up as Bobo's next target. You are realizing:
A) That Scully should have realized the Punk would do this to her and ruin her evening. She should have just told him to rent a copy of "Farewell My Concubine" or something for a late-night dinner...
B) Doggett can't really order out for pizza from now on without scaring the bleep out of the delivery boy!
C) If Dana did love Fox, she should have told him to meet her at a wedding chapel, uh, for a clandestine meeting with an Elvis impersonator who moonlights as a justice of the peace and...and...guys, help me out here. I need to make the excuse more convincing!...
21) Doggett finds Scully waiting in the car. Does Scully ever want to wait in the car? I mean, she really hasn't done that since Season Two, right? Anyway, Doggett warns her this is a set-up, and for her to get going before she gets dragged into this. He then goes running off to find Mulder. Mulder, meanwhile, has succeeded in penetrating the dark corridors of an office building in downtown Vancouver and is proceeding to manipulate the city's Chamber of Commerce web site to trick people into moving with the basketball team to Memphis. You're worried:
A) That the Blessed One is going to have to autopsy both the Punk and the Dog when this is all done. But at least the desk will finally be hers! Bwha-ha-ha!
B) That Memphis just isn't a good place for professional basketball. Wouldn't Sioux City Iowa be more eager and willing to support a team?...
C) That Dana's not there with a flashlight to guide Fox to where he really needs to go...the underground corridor leading to the nearest Waffle House! Why not, he needs to snack once and awhile, right?...
22) Mulder has broken into the U.S. Census offices. Oooh. We're impressed. The Lone Gunmen are hanging on nearby (literally) to log him in and secure the data he needs. Doggett arrives to find the door that Mulder used is now locked. In true manly fashion, he shoots it. The NRA will protest the loss of a perfectly good bullet later on. Doggett is trying to get Mulder out. Mulder still believes Doggett is a naughty boy and shouldn't be listened to. You believe:
A) That this year's Scully Marathon will be the most successful one yet! Well, that's kinda a no-brainer, but still...
B) That Episode II of the Star Wars saga needs more Boba Fett and less Jar-Jar. Again, a no-brainer...
C) That Dana and Fox are in love. Well, DUH!
23) Mulder is finding the information he wants: proof that the U.S. Census was used to track people for abduction, assimilation, and acclimation. Unfortunately, he's finding out from the Lone Gunmen the data isn't even transmitting out of the office building like they had hoped. Worse, they're all finding out from Scully that Bobo and his boys have arrived to shoot first and ask questions never. You're sure the best way of escape now is:
A) Back through the Matrix
B) By clicking their heels three times and saying "Pee-Wee Herman did what in Sarasota?"
C) The ceiling. Government-training assassin chimps never look up there!
24) Later. Doggett's army buddy is finishing up his jog. Doggett surprises him out of nowhere. Before the guy can go, Doggett points out Skinner in the distance, and warns that unless he gets the right answers "that man puts your name on all the wrong desks." There's still a lot of evasive talking, though. He claims, "You got it all right in front of you. It's all in the X-Files. I'm just one man trying to point you in the right direction." You reply:
A) "Just SAY IT! Aliens, dammit! It's all about aliens! YOU KNOW WHAT'S THERE SO TELL US! It's been eight long damn years and WE'RE TIRED OF WAITING! (Insert many trout-slaps here)"
B) "It'd be nice if the direction wasn't towards the nearest firing squad!"
C) "That's it! Just take the wedding gift back and don't even think about showing up at the baby shower!"
25) Disgusted, Doggett walks away. His army buddy leans down for one more drink at the water fountain, showing off a dorsal fin. You can say, "Oh crap" at this point. And as the episode concluded, you can say one last thing:
A) "He is DEFINITELY NOT coming to the baby shower!"
B) "Dammit, Paul, does it really take a whole month to write one of these surveys?"
C) "Wait! I know what the Three Words are! ‘Marry me, Dana'! IT FITS! IT WORKS! YAY!"
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you're an OBSSE member who's checking the necks of every nun in the group. Hey, SisTree, what's this on your neck? (SisTree grumbles and shows off her tattoo declaring her love for Steve Buscemi) Oh, okay...
B) Then you're an X-Phile who's figured out the Three Words: "Continuity? What Continuity?"
C) Then you're a ‘Shipper who's grateful that Dana and Fox are together, but guys, why didn't Fox ask if he was the superbaby's father?! Doesn't he care? Doesn't he want to be a mature responsible adult, marry the woman he loves, and raise the uberScully children on a farm in Montana?! (weep) (wail)
There we go, peoples.
ONE WEEK!
And there's still a ton of Mytharc episodes I could throw at you that were done as 'Shipper Surveys. One thing I haven't done yet is put in a recap survey from Season Eight: The Season Where Duchovny Went Half-and-Half, and this is also the season where Scully's pregnancy was a major plot point of said Mytharc.
I know these postings are not in any order, but then again by Season Seven it became clear the crew making this show didn't care much for continuity... Also, if you pay attention you may notice part of this survey was written during an OBSSE marathon get-together in Orlando, ages ago. Sniff, nobody from the St. Scully group has called me back, has it been that long away...?
THREE WORDS
Three Words? Sure: Klaatu Barada Necktie! What?...
1) It's the White House. All right, the cross-over episode with "The West Wing" we've always been hoping for! A seemingly normal civil service worker (trust me, a guy looking like that in D.C. has got to be manning a federal desk!) scales the fence surrounding POTUS's babe-magnet mansion and tries his best to invade the premises. Good luck. This place has more security than a high school. Sure enough, SWAT Secret Service guys tackle the man, who blabbers about alien invasions taking place RIGHT NOW. A gun is shown. The guy shoots himself (?!). Oswald escapes into a movie theater. Whoops, wrong shooting. The dying man holds up a CD, begging it be given to the President. When you see the disk's title as "Fight The Future," you shout out:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) "WHAT?! All this for a bootleg DVD copy of the X-Files movie?! Sheesh, man, the Prez coulda picked up a clean copy at the nearest Blockbuster Video, you moron!..."
2) It's the hospital from last week's episode. Mulder still shows a few scars from his abduction ordeal. Scully and another doctor enter. Mulder tells them he's fit as a fiddle, but they already know: in fact, he's healing too rapidly. Even the affliction he was suffering from before the abduction has faded. He's in perfect health. Which tells you:
A) That Scully's medical skill is DAMN good. Hey, can we get her on our HMO as a primary care physician?...
B) Chris Carter wants this part of the mytharc wrapped up NOW. He's ready to ridicule whatever else remains of the show's continuity, so let's move on shall we?...
C) All an abductee needs to get better is some TLC! Sigh...
3) Next thing we know, Scully is shepherding Mulder back into his apartment. His apartment. Wait. He was found dead. He was buried. That was three months ago in the X-Files Universe. Are you telling me someone kept his apartment? They kept his furniture? They kept his porno vids?!?! Three months, people! In a major metropolitan area like D.C., and they can't unload an apartment whose tenant was abducted and was presumed dead and all of that!!! Excuse me! Someone DID NOT THINK THIS THROUGH!!! Dammit! Chris Carter must have been brainwashed by the Continuity Geniuses that oversee the Highlander franchise!!! AUGH! Now, while you're screaming just like this survey writer is, you're sure the best way Chris Carter could have stuck to continuity was:
A) To have the Punk stay at a Motel Six! They leave the light on for ya!
B) Stick to sacred banana slug stories! (Chant) (Revere)
C) To have Fox move in with Dana, who would keep apologizing about losing his futon and porno vids but at least kept the fish.
NOTE: It seems one of the fish died. That was the only thing to change at the apartment. Go ahead. Keep grumbling about it. *I* certainly do!...
4) It's awkward in Mulder's apartment. Not because the porno tapes were returned to Blockbuster. It's because Mulder and Scully are talking about her pregnancy. Ah. Scully is bordering on tears. Mulder, his male insensitivity genes kicking in, is talking like he's not sure how that happened and like he might not be the father. You:
A) Scream "Insensitive Male Punk!" (Trout-slap)
B) Chant "Bwha-Ha-Ha! The NoRomos Win!"
C) Gargle Gershwin. No, wait, you scream "Fox! Admit it! You shagged her royally and she's carrying your love child! Damn NoRomos!"
5) It's prison. The cast of "Oz" is not prepared for a cross-over episode with the X-Files and half the cast has already been killed off by Chaco Chicken Cannibals. So we switch over to Cell Block Q where Absalom is contemplating his place in the universe. The prison librarian walks over with a book titled "The Coming Apocalypse," that book written by Martin Landau's character from the movie. Now *THIS* bit of continuity they remember. Sheesh. Absalom reads about the dead government clerk and cries. You realize:
A) This guy needs to get out more! No, wait...
B) Absalom needs to find more uplifting literary reads. Can't the prison librarian recommend a title or two from Ursula Hegi?...
C) The Slashers would say something inappropriate here, so let's move on...
6) Kersh is waiting in his office to see Skinner and Doggett. Kersh wants to talk about Mulder being re-instated to the X-Files office. Naturally, that's not going to happen. Kersh, looking for any excuse to keep Mulder in custodial services where he belongs, points up this fact that Doggett has a higher arrest rate working the X-Files than Mulder did. Kersh is forgetting, though, that the mass arrest of slug worshippers is throwing off the grading scale. Doggett isn't thrilled with the idea of ruining Mulder's life just as he's getting out of the grave. Kersh snarls, "Maybe you'd rather I close the X-Files. Then we'd both be getting what we want." You reply:
A) "How do you know what Doggett wants? For all we know, what he wants is a Phillips CD-R system so he can burn his own Shania Twain disks!"
B) "Kersh wants to close the X-Files? Really? Then how will the FBI be able to investigate liver-eating mutants?"
C) "Hey! Will someone ask Walter to stop looking at John like that? Damn Slashers! (NOTE: Survey writer is still reading Jessica's recaps for Mightybigtv.com...)
7) Back at Mulder's apartment. No, really, who kept paying for it? Scully? Shouldn't she have been spending for an obstetrician? (NOTE: do pregnant women go to an obstetrician or is the doctor called something else. I'm a guy, so I have no personal experience in these matters) Skinner is telling Mulder the good news about Kersh. Mulder, going into full Paranoid! Mode, seems nonplused by these developments. He openly wonders about Doggett and where his loyalties lie. You want Scully tell him:
A) Doggett's loyalties lie with the OBSSE! He's Brother Dog, paying dues since 1997!
B) Doggett's loyalties lie with the Rebel Alliance, fleeing from the wrath of the Evil Galactic Empire! And he brought his lightsaber, too...
C) Doggett's just a good friend. Really, that's all he is. Okay, you bleeping NoRomos! Just let it go!...
8) Ah, yes, the future of the American penal system: chain gangs. Or is that a new reality show somewhere? Absalom is busy hiding a piece of wood with a nail in it from the guards. The transports arrive to take the prisoners back to Ruhe Pente. Absalom uses the board-and-nail on a guard and breaks off running. Quick, can anyone remember the early 80's band that sung "There's gonna be a jailbreak?" I can't get that song out of my head. Absalom runs for his freedom with a van in not-so-hot pursuit. I mean, the fastest a guy not training for the Olympics is what, 45 MPH tops? And this van's not even breaking the speed limit in a school zone, fer Blessed Slug's sakes. As Absalom makes good his escape, you think to yourself:
A) "Who does this guy think he is? Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man? Now, there was a guy who could run fast and make it look like slow motion!...(sigh)..."
B) "Okay, I want a hard target search of every house, henhouse, outhouse, doghouse, cathouse, Waffle House, White House, House of Games, house of cards, and Red House Over Yonder in that area. Roadblocks go up at fifteen miles! Our fugitive's name is...Joachim, from Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan! Go get him!"
C) "Dana. Fox. Chains of Love. It could work. Sigh."
NOTE: This scene is supposed to be taking place in West Virginia. To my knowledge, West Virginia does not have scrub brush desert vistas. Where's Vancouver when you need it?...
9) Doggett's big, empty house. Not for long. Doggett returns home to find Absalom waiting, having grabbed the agent's gun. He checks the back of Doggett's neck, relieved to find nothing there. He's here because of the dead civil service worker. Absalom wants Doggett to spread the word. You're sure the word is:
A) "Enigmatic!"
B) "Cerulean!"
C) "DanaLovesFoxYesThisIsMoreThanOneWordButTheyAreBeingPutTogetherAsOneWord!"
NOTE: I'm now writing this at Kimiye's house in Orlando during the OBSSE's Scullython on May 12. This kinda helps show you just how bleeped up my time management is dealing with moving into a new home, work, getting a girlfriend (unsuccessfully), feeding cats, etc.
10) FBI Headquarters. Skinner is giving field agents the update on Absalom's manhunt (shouldn't the U.S. Marshals be conducting this?...). He's describing the former Star Trek secondary character as "dangerous, unstable, and most likely another absentee Florida voter." Skinner points out the words carved into Absalom's prison cell. You're sure the words are:
A) "Protect the endangered banana slugs!"
B) "‘Shawshank Redemption' is overrated! ‘Chained Heat' rocks!"
C) "Fight the Prenuptial Agreement!"
11) Skinner and Scully are worried they can't reach Doggett and get him to find Absalom. Moot issue, as Doggett already knows where to look. Something else is going on, though. They're called down to the basement where Mulder, dressed again like an FBI agent, is eager to get to work. It seems, though, that Kersh doesn't want him to: both Scully and Skinner are terrified Mulder will get caught. Mulder, too reckless to care, starts poking through the Absalom stuff. Next thing you know, you're sure Mulder is going to:
A) Take back his desk! But it's not his anymore! It's Scully's!!!"
B) Change the voicemail message to "Mad Dog Pizza! We Deliver!"
C) Propose marriage to the one carrying his love child! And no, it's not Melissa Etheridge!"
12) Absalom is taping a gun onto Doggett's back, making sure he's got good aim at the back of the skull. But that's not important right now. What's important is that Mulder is sneaking around again breaking into storage rooms and causing trouble. Scully is tagging along, warning him she needs him to stay out of jail: who else is going to help out with lamaze class? Mulder finds the dead civil worker's laptop, conveniently containing every cheat code needed to win at "Evil Dead: Hail to the King." Scully decides to stop berating him and takes the laptop in for evidence. At this point you:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Look up from the computer to realize Kimiye has returned with the Subway sandwiches. The Scullython is about due for a lunch break! Be right back!!!
13) Okay. Burp. Subway Melt. Yum. Where were we? Oh. Absalom is using Doggett to guide his way into a vital office building of the United States Government. The Post Office? No. FEMA? Oh, please. That was so three seasons ago. Now it's the U.S. Census that's the key conspiratorial agency threatening the world. Absalom wants to break in, and he leads Doggett to an office space in the bowels of the spider's web of statistical data. Okay, NOW the guys with guns show up. Absalom screams he's got a hostage. Doggett warns the SWAT guys he's got a gun aimed at his head. There's a lot of yelling and shouting and...BLAM! Absalom gets shot. The survey writer was honestly surprised by this turn of events (I thought Absalom was good for at least two more episodes), but you know:
A) Scully would have avoided this whole mess by using her high heels to cut into Absalom's foot, then knocking him into the nearest car that has seats with fine Corinthian leather!
B) The identity of the sniper! It was Bobo the assassin chimp! He knows...no mercy!
C) John's going to need a hug. But not from Dana, she reserves them for Fox! Hmm. Walter? No, you damn Slashers! Monica? (Eww) How about someone new, maybe from Accounting?...
14) Doggett is reviewing the situation with Skinner. Mulder enters the room. This is what we call the "meet-cute" scene, in which Mulder once again introduces himself by beating the crap out of somebody. Skinner tries to break it up. Mulder's pissed both that Doggett's occupying his office to "bury the truth," and that he's taken Mulder's porno collection out of the bottom cabinet drawers. Doggett's being stoic in not throwing a punch but isn't about to back down. Skinner shoves Mulder out of the office, but tries to apologize for his behavior. You take this all in and decide the manliness man of this manly bunch is:
A) None of them. These sissies can never measure up to Scully's dad!
B) Whichever one doesn't have a prescription of Viagra. Real Men don't need medication.
C) Insert Slasher answer here. Damn Slashers!...
15) Scully's apartment. Frohike answers the door. What? FROHIKE?! Could he be...? Mulder and Frohike hug. But in a manly hetero way. They meet with Scully and the other Lone Gunmen, who are slumming from their own series long enough to ask about just how exactly Scully got pregnant. Mulder and Scully are incredibly tentative. You want either of them to say:
A) "Forget it! We're not naming the kid after you! ‘Lone Gunmen' Scully? The school bullies would have a field trip!..."
B) "Well, Langly, when a man and a woman love one another deeply enough, they get together over beer and pretzels and call the stork for delivery services and then..."
C) "We had sex! Okay! We had sex! The ‘Shippers can relax now! The UST has been resolved! And we're naming the kid after Pendrell!"
16) It turns out the Census worker uncovered something, something so hideous and so deplorable that he couldn't wait to save it for a movie sequel. However, whatever it was is now locked down behind a computer firewall so secure they can't even pretend Hollywood-style that they can hack into it. The only thing they can do is physically invade the facility. You know that means:
A) Scully's going to be performing autopsies on any secondary characters that aid them in the break-in within 2.6 minutes after the commercial!
B) Stunt doubles. Lots and lots of stunt doubles!
C) We get a teary farewell scene between two of the characters. Dammit, Frohike, you and Jimmy can resolve these things in another survey!...
17) Doggett goes for a walk in the park. He meets his friend Adam "Reliable He-Man Character Actor" Baldwin (any relation to the other Baldwins?...) we last saw double-crossing Scully in Per Manum. Doggett still thinks this guy is reliable. Of course, this being a mytharc episode his friend can't tell Doggett anything directly, just in riddles. Quick, what does he mean when he tells Doggett, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls?" You think it means:
A) Scully was caught vandalizing in her youth! Probably something like "Ramones Forever!" Sigh...
B) Someone's quoting from rock lyrics again!
C) Dana loves Fox? Well, everything means Dana loves Fox! Sigh
NOTE: I am now typing this Monday. It has been two days since being at Kimiye's. Being funny takes more time than it looks, ya?
18) Actually, Doggett's friend says, "Three words." You're sure the three words are:
A) "Gillian deserves Oscar recognition." No, damn, that's four words!
B) "Whadda ya mean, fans expect continuity?" No, that's six words!
C) "Dana Loves Fox." YAY! That fits!
19) Later. Doggett finds Scully on the street outside her apartment (which doesn't match her street from Seasons One, Two, Three, or Four. Are we missing Vancouver yet, folks?...). He's got word about what the dead civil service worker wanted to give the President. It was a disk of information. The password was three words. You're sure, absolutely positively sure, that Doggett is going to say the three words are:
A) "Where's Ma Scully?"
B) "Where's John Conner?"
C) "Fox should marry you, Dana. You obviously love one another, and you are carrying his uberchild, and...and...all right, so it's not three words, but still it needs to be said!"
20) Scully meets with Mulder. She's conflicted over whether or not to tell Mulder the three words. Much later. There's a knock at Doggett's door. This time he's got his gun ready. Smart lad. Skinner is there with word from Scully. She's upset, which means Skinner's upset, which means a lot of ladies who obsess over bald FBI directors are upset. But I digress. She passed the password on to Mulder, who's apparently acting on the information. Doggett is realizing he may have set Mulder up as Bobo's next target. You are realizing:
A) That Scully should have realized the Punk would do this to her and ruin her evening. She should have just told him to rent a copy of "Farewell My Concubine" or something for a late-night dinner...
B) Doggett can't really order out for pizza from now on without scaring the bleep out of the delivery boy!
C) If Dana did love Fox, she should have told him to meet her at a wedding chapel, uh, for a clandestine meeting with an Elvis impersonator who moonlights as a justice of the peace and...and...guys, help me out here. I need to make the excuse more convincing!...
21) Doggett finds Scully waiting in the car. Does Scully ever want to wait in the car? I mean, she really hasn't done that since Season Two, right? Anyway, Doggett warns her this is a set-up, and for her to get going before she gets dragged into this. He then goes running off to find Mulder. Mulder, meanwhile, has succeeded in penetrating the dark corridors of an office building in downtown Vancouver and is proceeding to manipulate the city's Chamber of Commerce web site to trick people into moving with the basketball team to Memphis. You're worried:
A) That the Blessed One is going to have to autopsy both the Punk and the Dog when this is all done. But at least the desk will finally be hers! Bwha-ha-ha!
B) That Memphis just isn't a good place for professional basketball. Wouldn't Sioux City Iowa be more eager and willing to support a team?...
C) That Dana's not there with a flashlight to guide Fox to where he really needs to go...the underground corridor leading to the nearest Waffle House! Why not, he needs to snack once and awhile, right?...
22) Mulder has broken into the U.S. Census offices. Oooh. We're impressed. The Lone Gunmen are hanging on nearby (literally) to log him in and secure the data he needs. Doggett arrives to find the door that Mulder used is now locked. In true manly fashion, he shoots it. The NRA will protest the loss of a perfectly good bullet later on. Doggett is trying to get Mulder out. Mulder still believes Doggett is a naughty boy and shouldn't be listened to. You believe:
A) That this year's Scully Marathon will be the most successful one yet! Well, that's kinda a no-brainer, but still...
B) That Episode II of the Star Wars saga needs more Boba Fett and less Jar-Jar. Again, a no-brainer...
C) That Dana and Fox are in love. Well, DUH!
23) Mulder is finding the information he wants: proof that the U.S. Census was used to track people for abduction, assimilation, and acclimation. Unfortunately, he's finding out from the Lone Gunmen the data isn't even transmitting out of the office building like they had hoped. Worse, they're all finding out from Scully that Bobo and his boys have arrived to shoot first and ask questions never. You're sure the best way of escape now is:
A) Back through the Matrix
B) By clicking their heels three times and saying "Pee-Wee Herman did what in Sarasota?"
C) The ceiling. Government-training assassin chimps never look up there!
24) Later. Doggett's army buddy is finishing up his jog. Doggett surprises him out of nowhere. Before the guy can go, Doggett points out Skinner in the distance, and warns that unless he gets the right answers "that man puts your name on all the wrong desks." There's still a lot of evasive talking, though. He claims, "You got it all right in front of you. It's all in the X-Files. I'm just one man trying to point you in the right direction." You reply:
A) "Just SAY IT! Aliens, dammit! It's all about aliens! YOU KNOW WHAT'S THERE SO TELL US! It's been eight long damn years and WE'RE TIRED OF WAITING! (Insert many trout-slaps here)"
B) "It'd be nice if the direction wasn't towards the nearest firing squad!"
C) "That's it! Just take the wedding gift back and don't even think about showing up at the baby shower!"
25) Disgusted, Doggett walks away. His army buddy leans down for one more drink at the water fountain, showing off a dorsal fin. You can say, "Oh crap" at this point. And as the episode concluded, you can say one last thing:
A) "He is DEFINITELY NOT coming to the baby shower!"
B) "Dammit, Paul, does it really take a whole month to write one of these surveys?"
C) "Wait! I know what the Three Words are! ‘Marry me, Dana'! IT FITS! IT WORKS! YAY!"
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you're an OBSSE member who's checking the necks of every nun in the group. Hey, SisTree, what's this on your neck? (SisTree grumbles and shows off her tattoo declaring her love for Steve Buscemi) Oh, okay...
B) Then you're an X-Phile who's figured out the Three Words: "Continuity? What Continuity?"
C) Then you're a ‘Shipper who's grateful that Dana and Fox are together, but guys, why didn't Fox ask if he was the superbaby's father?! Doesn't he care? Doesn't he want to be a mature responsible adult, marry the woman he loves, and raise the uberScully children on a farm in Montana?! (weep) (wail)
There we go, peoples.
ONE WEEK!
Friday, May 22, 2015
The X-Files: The Unnatural 'Shipper Survey
As we're entering into Memorial Day weekend and there's not a lot of 'ship-worthy X-Files episodes wrapped around the honoring of our war veterans, I kinda have to look to something else that fits this weekend.
WHY BASEBALL OF COURSE.
Leading in to one of the 'Shipping-est episodes of the X-Files roster, Season Six's The Unnatural:
The rules to this game are simple: you throw the ball, you catch the ball, you SHIP OUT TO MULDER AND SCULLY SWINGING THE BAT LIKE THEY'RE ON A DATE AND STUFF OH GOD YEAH.
...ahem. There is a survey that follows.
THE UNNATURAL
1) The place: Roswell. The time: July 2, 1947. There's a bright light in the distance. As the camera swings about, you realize:
A) A weather balloon carrying crash-test dummies can give off quite a natural glow, ya?
B) That in 1947, events were set in motion leading up to the creation of a hybrid mix of X-Files and Dawson's Creek forging a t.v. show to be broadcast on the Dubya-Bee in 1999!
C) That it's too soon! Dana and Fox aren't even born yet, so there's no UST to whine aboot! Noooo...:-(
2) Whoops, instead of a UFO crashing in the New Mexico desert, it's a baseball game (?!) As the near-sighted pitcher keeps abusing a poor defenseless cactus with his lousy knuckleball, you:
A) Loudly announce you don't believe in the existence of knuckleballs...after all the aerodynamics of that supposed pitch can't be proven in the realm of physics!
B) Turn to your grandfather and ask, "Pops, did you have baseball back in those days?" And he'll answer, "Sure, but in my day we had to play with pumpkins...while swinging a mackerel...in ten feet of snow...uphill...both ways!..."
C) Wonder if this will be another time-travel episode, where Dana goes back in time and runs into a 1947 version of Fox and gets a chance to kiss him! (hopeful sigh)
3) A Negro League team is playing a white team in the desert, where a black player named Exley is talked about as the next black in the major leagues. After Exley hits his 61 home run, everyone celebrates...until the Klu Klux Klan rides in threatening to lynch him. The white pitcher, however, finally gets his swerve on and nails the Klan leader with a beaner. The players turn the tables and the white manager confronts the shaken Klansman. When he removes the white hood, you expect to see:
A) Pat Buchanan
B) Pat Buchanan
C) Well, since this is the X-Files, you usually get alien grey, but considering it's a doofus wearing a pillow sheet over his head, you finally answer with Pat Buchanan (Writer mumbles, "He makes me ashamed to be a registered Republican...") (note: as of 2002 I quit the party, because the SOBs quit on us)
NOTE: The tag line is "In the Big Inning." O-ho. He-he. I fear I breathe my last. Etc.
4) The time shifts to the present day. Spring is in the air, and Scully is on t.v. providing coverage of the Dodgers. No, that's *Vin* Scully. Poor Dana Scully is in the basement of the Hoover Building lugging about books that are twice the size she is. After dropping the books off on someone's desk (you can take a guess whose), she looks out a window and complains that on a day like today, they should be outside getting a life instead of inside reading old newspapers. When Mulder replies, "I have seen the life on this planet, Scully, and that is exactly why I am looking elsewhere," you reply:
A) "Look, you sad Punk, you may not a have a life, but you shouldn't be dragging the Blessed One down with you into your own personal Hell! (trout-slap)"
B) "Oh, like the Oum-Galgi of Pentax Omega are a barrel of laughs to be with!"
C) "No! Don't look elsewhere, Fox! Look right next to you! Take Dana out to a picnic! (sigh)"
5) Scully sighs and pulls out her snack for the day. Mulder takes notice, and wonders if she brought ice cream for everyone. Scully grins and answers, "It's not ice cream. It's a nonfat tofutti rice dreamsicle." To which you answer:
A) "Hey! Whatever happened to cookie dough ice cream?!"
B) "What? A nonfat tofutti rice...uh-oh. No human could ever eat something like that! She's a clone! She's a clone! RUN!"
C) "Oh, c'mon, Dana, you can share! Just lean in and wave it temptingly in front of F...the dreamsicle. Wave the dreamsicle!"
6) This leads to a scene where Mulder and Scully toss cliches at one another. You:
A) Toss your Punk voodoo doll
B) Toss your cookies
C) Toss aside all preconceptions of the UST. This is serious flirting, boys and girls! Woo-hoo!!!
7) Mulder jumps up and wrestles with Scully for her...her...non-ice-cream thingee. You note:
A) That the Punk, as always, is being a selfish, childish Punk! Trout-slap him, Scully!
B) That no sane man would fight for a nonfat ANYthing! He's a shape-shifting alien! RUN!
C) That they'll spill the nonfat tofutti rice dreamsicle all over each other, meaning they'll have to lick it off one another, leading up to...YES! YES! YES!
8) Mulder has lousy aim and the nonfat thingee spills on the book instead of his partner ('Shippers everywhere are screaming "Aw, NUTS!"). Scully looks down to see that Mulder has been, instead of looking for UFOs, looking at RBIs. Scully, for some reason, cannot comprehend anyone's interest in baseball, but you, for some reason, cannot comprehend that:
A) The Blessed One would give up her Saturdays to help the Punk work on his fantasy baseball league! Like he ever helps Scully on her fantasy football league! (mutter grumble)
B) They would have newspaper clippings from 1947 devoted entirely on baseball when there were more important things to write about, like alien invasions and liver-eating mutants!
C) Dana and Fox aren't tipping those books off the desk and using it for a quickie! Aw, c'mon, you two! Nobody's watching!... (sigh)
9) Mulder suddenly spots a photo clipping of a young Arthur Dales talking to a black baseball player while an eeriely familiar face is in the distance... Faking a sneeze, he tears the page out of the book (the writer of this survey, being a librarian, screams a blood-curdling scream of utter horror and disgust. NO YOU SICK BASTID! YOU STOLE A PAGE FROM A LIBRARY BOOK! DIE YOU MUTANT PIGDOG DIE!) and runs off without telling Scully where he's going. As she mutters "Rebel" after him, you answer:
A) "Rebel? You want rebel? Go watch a James Dean flick! Mulder's a page-stealing Punk who's ditching you AGAIN! But quick, knock his nameplate off the desk and claim it as your own! That ought to teach him!"
B) "DAMN YOU MULDER! YOU RUINED A LIBRARY BOOK! DIE DIE DIE!!!"
C) "Ack! Fox! You forgot your manners and didn't kiss Dana good-bye before running off! No wonder you two haven't made out yet!..."
Okay, Chris Carter, David Duchovny, any and all lawyers representing all sides in this matter, as a librarian I am making a formal protest against your defilement of library property, namely Mulder's unnecessary tearing out of a page when all he had to do was make a photocopy of it. By his actions, he will influence others to deface library materials which will hinder other library patrons needing such resources for legitimate research needs. I request that a formal apology be given to the American Library Association, and that further broadcasts of this episode come with a disclaimer reminding people not to destroy library books. I await your reply. (note: more than ten years later, I have yet to receive a reply. I haven't forgotten this, DUCHOVNY. YOUR SINS HAUNT YOU...)
10) Mulder races off to find Arthur Dales, returning to the set used for that horrendous non-Scully episode Travelers. Expecting Darren McGavin to answer, instead we get esteemed character actor M. Emmet Walsh answering as Arthur Dales. He explains that he and the retired FBI agent are brothers whose parents never got a baby name book, hence the fact that the two boys, their sister, and the pet goldfish were all named "Arthur." You realize:
A) That having a unique name like "Fox" is actually a blessing. The Punk should feel grateful...
B) That vanity plates for this family is a moot issue
C) That conversations must have been like this: "Arthur? Did you feed Arthur?" "Don't look at me. Ask Arthur." "Arthur! It's your turn to clean Arthur's castle!" Etc. etc. (insert scream of the damned here)
11) Mulder and Arthur Deuce discuss that which really matters: collecting Star Wars action-figures. Well, they should. Instead, they talk baseball, leading up to Arthur's question if Mulder believed love can change a man. Mulder answers that, you know, when you meet that special redhead and all... Arthur Deuce retorts, "I'm not talking about women. I'm talking about love. Passion. Like the passion you have for proving extra-terrestrial life. Do you believe that passion can change your very nature? Can make you shape-shift from a man into something other than a man?" You take these rhetorical questions and:
A) Realize these are more philosophical in bent, and do not require answers in a scientific, rational manner
B) Ask your own rhetorical question involving woodchucks, wood, and the act of chucking
C) Answer "Damn right love can change a man! But Fox, dammit, you've got to let Dana change you! Let her heal your soul! Let her mend your heart! Let her operate on that ingrown toenail you call your love life!" (romantic sigh)
12) Arthur Deuce begins his tale (once Mulder pays the nice man with the hat) of working as a policeman in Roswell, looking to protect a Negro League star player, Josh Exley, whom the racial extremists have targeted to keep Blacks out of Major League Baseball. Riding the bus with the team, he spots a reflection of Exley just as lightning strikes in the distance, revealing the face of an alien grey. Mulder can't believe a baseball player was an alien. Arthur Deuce notes that all the great players were aliens. You note:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) That it makes absolutely perfect bloody sense! How else can you explain Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa?!?! (note: in hindsight, this was not that funny...)
13) Continuing his story, Arthur Deuce describes one day where he spies two burly white men plotting something insidious. He jumps on Exley to protect him, but he notices the two whites were just aiming water pistols at an unsuspecting matron of the fine art of hardball. (Hey, reading George Will *does* come in handy!) Arthur Deuce tries to explain away his actions by claiming he was knocking away some giant bee. You answer:
A) "Damn bee!"
B) "Damn bee!"
C) "Damn Slashers, uh, I mean Damn bee!"
14) After a beanball nails Ex on the head, Arthur Deuce hears him talk gibberish and spies green acidic goo on a glove. He turns the glove over to a skeptical non-redheaded scientist and talks with a police officer from Exley's supposed hometown. When we see the police officer is really the Alien Bounty Hunter, we realize:
A) That this guy looks like one of the punks who hassled Arnold in the Terminator movie back in 1984! Hey, didn't he get his heart ripped out?...
B) That the Alien Bounty Hunter must not be paid well by the Syndicate since he seems to have a second job and all...
C) That a show without Dana is a show without a resolution to all this sexual tension! Bring back the redhead!
15) Later that night, Arthur Deuce hears a noise in Exley's room. Quietly picking the lock, he sneaks into Josh's darkened room and turns on the light to see...an alien grey working on his hitting stance. The grey screams. Arthur screams. The grey screams back. Arthur screams and faints. You:
A) Turn to the two robotic friends sitting next to you on the sofa and say, "Girly scream, Tom, girly scream, Crow."**
B) Scream because someone spilled nonfat tofutti...what do you mean, you're sitting there by yourself?! Then who...? Oh...no... (Scream)
C) Cry (not scream) because Dana and Fox haven't held hands yet and the episode is half-way finished! (weep) (wail)
**This was gleaned from an MSTied version of "Jose Chung's From Outer Space" written by Robert Coakley (I had helped a little on that one). He used to have a web site containing a lot of the Season Three episodes that were MSTied by him, but it's gone now. :-(
16) Ex does what he can to wake Arthur Deuce, who keeps fainting. Finally, he stays conscious long enough to ask Exley if this is what he really looks like. Exley tries to prove he's a shape-shifter by turning into a sexy blonde. As she (?) slides into the lap of an increasingly uncomfortable Arthur, you shout at the screen:
A) "Damn blonde!"
B) "Damn Yankees!"
C) "Damn Slashers, uh, I mean Damn bee!"
17) Exley explains to Arthur Deuce how he fell in love with baseball, and fled from his "people" so he could play the game, which to aliens seem incomprehensible. As they get off the bus, Ex spots the Alien Bounty Hunter and realizes the gig is up. The scientist who tested the green goo for Arthur Deuce finds it's of an unearthly origin, but then "Exley" shows up and kills the scientist, quickly flashing the face of the Bounty Hunter. Arthur goes to warn Ex he had been framed, but Exley says he's leaving and going back to his community. Arthur tries to talk him out of it with cliches about teamwork and all, while Exley bounces back a few cliches of his own. You:
A) Ponder out loud, "What is it with sports and lame cliches?"
B) Respond to the OBSSE acolyte sitting next to you with a "Remember Bull Durham? It's like Crash says, you gotta know your cliches, they're your friends. Repeat after me: 'I'm just here to help the ball club...'"
C) Sigh, "When are Dana and Fox gonna do it?" (Writer notes this is the point where the other two X-Philers stop talking about Kevin Costner movies and start slapping you with their trouts)
18) The show repeats the opening scene in the desert. When the hood comes off to show the dizzy grey alien blinking, most everybody runs off. The grey stands and reverts to the face of the Bounty Hunter, who is disappointed more than angered over Exley's recklessness doing something as worthless as "a game." He prepares to execute Ex for his sins, demanding the ball player show "his true face." Exley replies that it is his face, so the grey executioner accepts this and proceeds to shove that pointed stick in Exley's neck. Arthur Deuce shows up too late and witnesses the execution. When he cradles Exley in his arms, finding red blood instead of green (signifying Exley's transformation into a human being), you realize:
A) That this cannot be counted as a miracle since the Blessed Redhead is nowhere in sight!
B) That the good news is Exley is dying a man, but the bad news...well...
C) That humming "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" at this moment is going to get you another trout-slap from your fellow Philes!
19) After a showy overblown shot of the aged Arthur Dales pining for an absent friend (okay, David, you know how to direct. Thank you for pointing that out...), the scene shifts to a ballpark at night. Scully FINALLY shows up (after suffering 40 minutes of withdrawal) to find Mulder working on his batting swing. One thought sticks to your brain cells:
A) When Gillian directs her own X-Files episode, she's gonna keep it simple and sweet, not showy like the Pu...uh, David's work. Whoops, gotta keep the actors and the characters as separate entities in my...screw it! Gillian IS Scully! David IS Mulder! Gizzie IS that third extra on the left holding a hot dog!...
B) Hey! Whatever happened to the goldfish?!
C) Ooh! A moonlit night! In an open field! They're going to...aw, nuts, there's that kid working the pitching machine! Damn it all!
20) Mulder offers to teach Scully how to swing the bat. She stands at the plate while Mulder hovers right behind her (WHOA), wrapping his arms around to help Scully hold the bat (GASP), occasionally dropping a hand to her thighs (JAW DROP) to guide her hips (YOWZA) as she masters her swing (pant pant). When she tells him, "Shut up, Mulder, I'm playing baseball," you conclude this episode:
A) With a hale and hearty cheer for Scully as she hits those dingers like she was Mark McGwire (note: in hindsight, not an apt comparison...)
B) With a puzzled, "No, really, what happened to the goldfish?"
C) With the sudden and permanent tossing out of your Bull Durham tape. Screw that, you've got *this* episode to keep your erotic baseball desires going for the rest of your life! (orgasmic grin)
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSE member who hits .275 lifetime, has a .993 fielding percentage, and two Golden Gloves in your brilliant hardball career
B) Then you are an X-Phile with a 1.87 ERA, averaging 8.3 strikeouts a game and a winning average of 20 games a season
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who has never hit a home run...(depressing sigh)...but you get the feeling Dana and Fox will (figuratively speaking) once the kid leaves! (orgasmic sigh)
WHY BASEBALL OF COURSE.
Leading in to one of the 'Shipping-est episodes of the X-Files roster, Season Six's The Unnatural:
 |
| So, what's the rule about third base again...? |
...ahem. There is a survey that follows.
THE UNNATURAL
1) The place: Roswell. The time: July 2, 1947. There's a bright light in the distance. As the camera swings about, you realize:
A) A weather balloon carrying crash-test dummies can give off quite a natural glow, ya?
B) That in 1947, events were set in motion leading up to the creation of a hybrid mix of X-Files and Dawson's Creek forging a t.v. show to be broadcast on the Dubya-Bee in 1999!
C) That it's too soon! Dana and Fox aren't even born yet, so there's no UST to whine aboot! Noooo...:-(
2) Whoops, instead of a UFO crashing in the New Mexico desert, it's a baseball game (?!) As the near-sighted pitcher keeps abusing a poor defenseless cactus with his lousy knuckleball, you:
A) Loudly announce you don't believe in the existence of knuckleballs...after all the aerodynamics of that supposed pitch can't be proven in the realm of physics!
B) Turn to your grandfather and ask, "Pops, did you have baseball back in those days?" And he'll answer, "Sure, but in my day we had to play with pumpkins...while swinging a mackerel...in ten feet of snow...uphill...both ways!..."
C) Wonder if this will be another time-travel episode, where Dana goes back in time and runs into a 1947 version of Fox and gets a chance to kiss him! (hopeful sigh)
3) A Negro League team is playing a white team in the desert, where a black player named Exley is talked about as the next black in the major leagues. After Exley hits his 61 home run, everyone celebrates...until the Klu Klux Klan rides in threatening to lynch him. The white pitcher, however, finally gets his swerve on and nails the Klan leader with a beaner. The players turn the tables and the white manager confronts the shaken Klansman. When he removes the white hood, you expect to see:
A) Pat Buchanan
B) Pat Buchanan
C) Well, since this is the X-Files, you usually get alien grey, but considering it's a doofus wearing a pillow sheet over his head, you finally answer with Pat Buchanan (Writer mumbles, "He makes me ashamed to be a registered Republican...") (note: as of 2002 I quit the party, because the SOBs quit on us)
NOTE: The tag line is "In the Big Inning." O-ho. He-he. I fear I breathe my last. Etc.
4) The time shifts to the present day. Spring is in the air, and Scully is on t.v. providing coverage of the Dodgers. No, that's *Vin* Scully. Poor Dana Scully is in the basement of the Hoover Building lugging about books that are twice the size she is. After dropping the books off on someone's desk (you can take a guess whose), she looks out a window and complains that on a day like today, they should be outside getting a life instead of inside reading old newspapers. When Mulder replies, "I have seen the life on this planet, Scully, and that is exactly why I am looking elsewhere," you reply:
A) "Look, you sad Punk, you may not a have a life, but you shouldn't be dragging the Blessed One down with you into your own personal Hell! (trout-slap)"
B) "Oh, like the Oum-Galgi of Pentax Omega are a barrel of laughs to be with!"
C) "No! Don't look elsewhere, Fox! Look right next to you! Take Dana out to a picnic! (sigh)"
5) Scully sighs and pulls out her snack for the day. Mulder takes notice, and wonders if she brought ice cream for everyone. Scully grins and answers, "It's not ice cream. It's a nonfat tofutti rice dreamsicle." To which you answer:
A) "Hey! Whatever happened to cookie dough ice cream?!"
B) "What? A nonfat tofutti rice...uh-oh. No human could ever eat something like that! She's a clone! She's a clone! RUN!"
C) "Oh, c'mon, Dana, you can share! Just lean in and wave it temptingly in front of F...the dreamsicle. Wave the dreamsicle!"
6) This leads to a scene where Mulder and Scully toss cliches at one another. You:
A) Toss your Punk voodoo doll
B) Toss your cookies
C) Toss aside all preconceptions of the UST. This is serious flirting, boys and girls! Woo-hoo!!!
7) Mulder jumps up and wrestles with Scully for her...her...non-ice-cream thingee. You note:
A) That the Punk, as always, is being a selfish, childish Punk! Trout-slap him, Scully!
B) That no sane man would fight for a nonfat ANYthing! He's a shape-shifting alien! RUN!
C) That they'll spill the nonfat tofutti rice dreamsicle all over each other, meaning they'll have to lick it off one another, leading up to...YES! YES! YES!
8) Mulder has lousy aim and the nonfat thingee spills on the book instead of his partner ('Shippers everywhere are screaming "Aw, NUTS!"). Scully looks down to see that Mulder has been, instead of looking for UFOs, looking at RBIs. Scully, for some reason, cannot comprehend anyone's interest in baseball, but you, for some reason, cannot comprehend that:
A) The Blessed One would give up her Saturdays to help the Punk work on his fantasy baseball league! Like he ever helps Scully on her fantasy football league! (mutter grumble)
B) They would have newspaper clippings from 1947 devoted entirely on baseball when there were more important things to write about, like alien invasions and liver-eating mutants!
C) Dana and Fox aren't tipping those books off the desk and using it for a quickie! Aw, c'mon, you two! Nobody's watching!... (sigh)
9) Mulder suddenly spots a photo clipping of a young Arthur Dales talking to a black baseball player while an eeriely familiar face is in the distance... Faking a sneeze, he tears the page out of the book (the writer of this survey, being a librarian, screams a blood-curdling scream of utter horror and disgust. NO YOU SICK BASTID! YOU STOLE A PAGE FROM A LIBRARY BOOK! DIE YOU MUTANT PIGDOG DIE!) and runs off without telling Scully where he's going. As she mutters "Rebel" after him, you answer:
A) "Rebel? You want rebel? Go watch a James Dean flick! Mulder's a page-stealing Punk who's ditching you AGAIN! But quick, knock his nameplate off the desk and claim it as your own! That ought to teach him!"
B) "DAMN YOU MULDER! YOU RUINED A LIBRARY BOOK! DIE DIE DIE!!!"
C) "Ack! Fox! You forgot your manners and didn't kiss Dana good-bye before running off! No wonder you two haven't made out yet!..."
Okay, Chris Carter, David Duchovny, any and all lawyers representing all sides in this matter, as a librarian I am making a formal protest against your defilement of library property, namely Mulder's unnecessary tearing out of a page when all he had to do was make a photocopy of it. By his actions, he will influence others to deface library materials which will hinder other library patrons needing such resources for legitimate research needs. I request that a formal apology be given to the American Library Association, and that further broadcasts of this episode come with a disclaimer reminding people not to destroy library books. I await your reply. (note: more than ten years later, I have yet to receive a reply. I haven't forgotten this, DUCHOVNY. YOUR SINS HAUNT YOU...)
10) Mulder races off to find Arthur Dales, returning to the set used for that horrendous non-Scully episode Travelers. Expecting Darren McGavin to answer, instead we get esteemed character actor M. Emmet Walsh answering as Arthur Dales. He explains that he and the retired FBI agent are brothers whose parents never got a baby name book, hence the fact that the two boys, their sister, and the pet goldfish were all named "Arthur." You realize:
A) That having a unique name like "Fox" is actually a blessing. The Punk should feel grateful...
B) That vanity plates for this family is a moot issue
C) That conversations must have been like this: "Arthur? Did you feed Arthur?" "Don't look at me. Ask Arthur." "Arthur! It's your turn to clean Arthur's castle!" Etc. etc. (insert scream of the damned here)
11) Mulder and Arthur Deuce discuss that which really matters: collecting Star Wars action-figures. Well, they should. Instead, they talk baseball, leading up to Arthur's question if Mulder believed love can change a man. Mulder answers that, you know, when you meet that special redhead and all... Arthur Deuce retorts, "I'm not talking about women. I'm talking about love. Passion. Like the passion you have for proving extra-terrestrial life. Do you believe that passion can change your very nature? Can make you shape-shift from a man into something other than a man?" You take these rhetorical questions and:
A) Realize these are more philosophical in bent, and do not require answers in a scientific, rational manner
B) Ask your own rhetorical question involving woodchucks, wood, and the act of chucking
C) Answer "Damn right love can change a man! But Fox, dammit, you've got to let Dana change you! Let her heal your soul! Let her mend your heart! Let her operate on that ingrown toenail you call your love life!" (romantic sigh)
12) Arthur Deuce begins his tale (once Mulder pays the nice man with the hat) of working as a policeman in Roswell, looking to protect a Negro League star player, Josh Exley, whom the racial extremists have targeted to keep Blacks out of Major League Baseball. Riding the bus with the team, he spots a reflection of Exley just as lightning strikes in the distance, revealing the face of an alien grey. Mulder can't believe a baseball player was an alien. Arthur Deuce notes that all the great players were aliens. You note:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) That it makes absolutely perfect bloody sense! How else can you explain Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa?!?! (note: in hindsight, this was not that funny...)
13) Continuing his story, Arthur Deuce describes one day where he spies two burly white men plotting something insidious. He jumps on Exley to protect him, but he notices the two whites were just aiming water pistols at an unsuspecting matron of the fine art of hardball. (Hey, reading George Will *does* come in handy!) Arthur Deuce tries to explain away his actions by claiming he was knocking away some giant bee. You answer:
A) "Damn bee!"
B) "Damn bee!"
C) "Damn Slashers, uh, I mean Damn bee!"
14) After a beanball nails Ex on the head, Arthur Deuce hears him talk gibberish and spies green acidic goo on a glove. He turns the glove over to a skeptical non-redheaded scientist and talks with a police officer from Exley's supposed hometown. When we see the police officer is really the Alien Bounty Hunter, we realize:
A) That this guy looks like one of the punks who hassled Arnold in the Terminator movie back in 1984! Hey, didn't he get his heart ripped out?...
B) That the Alien Bounty Hunter must not be paid well by the Syndicate since he seems to have a second job and all...
C) That a show without Dana is a show without a resolution to all this sexual tension! Bring back the redhead!
15) Later that night, Arthur Deuce hears a noise in Exley's room. Quietly picking the lock, he sneaks into Josh's darkened room and turns on the light to see...an alien grey working on his hitting stance. The grey screams. Arthur screams. The grey screams back. Arthur screams and faints. You:
A) Turn to the two robotic friends sitting next to you on the sofa and say, "Girly scream, Tom, girly scream, Crow."**
B) Scream because someone spilled nonfat tofutti...what do you mean, you're sitting there by yourself?! Then who...? Oh...no... (Scream)
C) Cry (not scream) because Dana and Fox haven't held hands yet and the episode is half-way finished! (weep) (wail)
**This was gleaned from an MSTied version of "Jose Chung's From Outer Space" written by Robert Coakley (I had helped a little on that one). He used to have a web site containing a lot of the Season Three episodes that were MSTied by him, but it's gone now. :-(
16) Ex does what he can to wake Arthur Deuce, who keeps fainting. Finally, he stays conscious long enough to ask Exley if this is what he really looks like. Exley tries to prove he's a shape-shifter by turning into a sexy blonde. As she (?) slides into the lap of an increasingly uncomfortable Arthur, you shout at the screen:
A) "Damn blonde!"
B) "Damn Yankees!"
C) "Damn Slashers, uh, I mean Damn bee!"
17) Exley explains to Arthur Deuce how he fell in love with baseball, and fled from his "people" so he could play the game, which to aliens seem incomprehensible. As they get off the bus, Ex spots the Alien Bounty Hunter and realizes the gig is up. The scientist who tested the green goo for Arthur Deuce finds it's of an unearthly origin, but then "Exley" shows up and kills the scientist, quickly flashing the face of the Bounty Hunter. Arthur goes to warn Ex he had been framed, but Exley says he's leaving and going back to his community. Arthur tries to talk him out of it with cliches about teamwork and all, while Exley bounces back a few cliches of his own. You:
A) Ponder out loud, "What is it with sports and lame cliches?"
B) Respond to the OBSSE acolyte sitting next to you with a "Remember Bull Durham? It's like Crash says, you gotta know your cliches, they're your friends. Repeat after me: 'I'm just here to help the ball club...'"
C) Sigh, "When are Dana and Fox gonna do it?" (Writer notes this is the point where the other two X-Philers stop talking about Kevin Costner movies and start slapping you with their trouts)
18) The show repeats the opening scene in the desert. When the hood comes off to show the dizzy grey alien blinking, most everybody runs off. The grey stands and reverts to the face of the Bounty Hunter, who is disappointed more than angered over Exley's recklessness doing something as worthless as "a game." He prepares to execute Ex for his sins, demanding the ball player show "his true face." Exley replies that it is his face, so the grey executioner accepts this and proceeds to shove that pointed stick in Exley's neck. Arthur Deuce shows up too late and witnesses the execution. When he cradles Exley in his arms, finding red blood instead of green (signifying Exley's transformation into a human being), you realize:
A) That this cannot be counted as a miracle since the Blessed Redhead is nowhere in sight!
B) That the good news is Exley is dying a man, but the bad news...well...
C) That humming "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" at this moment is going to get you another trout-slap from your fellow Philes!
19) After a showy overblown shot of the aged Arthur Dales pining for an absent friend (okay, David, you know how to direct. Thank you for pointing that out...), the scene shifts to a ballpark at night. Scully FINALLY shows up (after suffering 40 minutes of withdrawal) to find Mulder working on his batting swing. One thought sticks to your brain cells:
A) When Gillian directs her own X-Files episode, she's gonna keep it simple and sweet, not showy like the Pu...uh, David's work. Whoops, gotta keep the actors and the characters as separate entities in my...screw it! Gillian IS Scully! David IS Mulder! Gizzie IS that third extra on the left holding a hot dog!...
B) Hey! Whatever happened to the goldfish?!
C) Ooh! A moonlit night! In an open field! They're going to...aw, nuts, there's that kid working the pitching machine! Damn it all!
20) Mulder offers to teach Scully how to swing the bat. She stands at the plate while Mulder hovers right behind her (WHOA), wrapping his arms around to help Scully hold the bat (GASP), occasionally dropping a hand to her thighs (JAW DROP) to guide her hips (YOWZA) as she masters her swing (pant pant). When she tells him, "Shut up, Mulder, I'm playing baseball," you conclude this episode:
A) With a hale and hearty cheer for Scully as she hits those dingers like she was Mark McGwire (note: in hindsight, not an apt comparison...)
B) With a puzzled, "No, really, what happened to the goldfish?"
C) With the sudden and permanent tossing out of your Bull Durham tape. Screw that, you've got *this* episode to keep your erotic baseball desires going for the rest of your life! (orgasmic grin)
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSE member who hits .275 lifetime, has a .993 fielding percentage, and two Golden Gloves in your brilliant hardball career
B) Then you are an X-Phile with a 1.87 ERA, averaging 8.3 strikeouts a game and a winning average of 20 games a season
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who has never hit a home run...(depressing sigh)...but you get the feeling Dana and Fox will (figuratively speaking) once the kid leaves! (orgasmic sigh)
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