PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES...
(insane amount of sweaty moaning, groaning bodies entwined in passion as... oh wait, that's the porn parody. My bad)
PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL X-FILES...
It's a Mytharc episode where Mulder fakes his death, Scully tries to expose a traitor within the ranks of the FBI, Skinner flirts shamelessly with his fanbase, and everyone else is waiting for the Big Movie that's due to arrive after Season Five.
And now, onto the third part of a three-episode cliffhanger!
X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: REDUX II The Quickening!
1) The episode begins with Mulder and Scully enjoying themselves at a picnic. You respond by:
A) Finding the writer of this survey and slapping him with a trout
B) Shaking your head because you're damn sure you've never seen that happen
C) Tasking Fox for bringing chips when Dana specifically asked him to make potato salad
2) Okay, really, the episode begins with Mulder stumbling into a hospital where no one will tell him where Scully is. Skinner appears to chew him out, and drags Mulder away from a comatose Scully. You:
A) Pull out your Holy Tissue Paper and pray for the Blessed One
B) Flash back to "One Breath" and worry that Chris Carter and Co. are repeating themselves
C) Bask with the knowledge that Fox's over-reaction to Dana's health proves he loves her
3) Mulder gets called to the carpet, after faking his death and becoming a prime suspect in the shooting death of the DOD agent that spied on him. Meanwhile, CancerMan also gets called in by the Elder, who warns that Mulder had seen too much of their operations. As the plot thickens, you take the time to:
A) Pour yourself a Scullyrita and prepare for the movie, coming to all theaters June 19, at which point Gillian Anderson will become the first performer to win an Emmy AND Oscar for playing the same character
B) Count the hours and minutes for the movie, coming to all theaters June 19, at which point it'll leave behind such wimpy films like Godzilla and Truman Show in the dust
C) Count the hours and minutes for the movie, coming to all theaters June 19, at which point we'll all see Dana and Fox finally DO IT
4) Mulder checks in on Scully to see how she's doing. They talk about what they found, with Mulder admitting he found no cure and Scully worried that Skinner is the traitor. When Scully offers to let herself take the blame for the DOD agent's death with the words, "If I can save you, let me," you react by:
A) Whooping up a storm in high praise for the Enigmatic One, who's willing to redeem the Punk with her gallant noble sacrifice
B) Sewing up a few voodoo dolls of the Emmy judges who failed to hand over the Best Drama award last time around
C) Cursing Fox for that kiss on Dana's cheek when there was a better target, like HER LIPS...Dammit, two inches to the left and it would have been BLISS!....
5) Mulder finally meets Scully's older brother, Bill Jr. When you size up the animosity between the two, you realize:
A) That both the Punk and the OBIE (Older Brother Incarnate Evil) deserve to get trout-slapped by Mama Scully
B) That the ER unit's gonna hafta show up soon to get Mulder's shoe out of Bill's ass
C) That Fox and Dana shouldn't expect any wedding present from her brother
6) CancerMan arrives to offer Mulder information: that he did indeed find Scully's cure in that vial from Redux I. Mulder returns to the Lone Gunmen, who find a microchip similar to the one Scully removed all the way back in Season Three. He returns it to Scully, who has to listen to her brother's objections and doctor's warning before making her decision. You:
A) Chant, "Damn right it's her decision!"
B) Chant, "Kick Bill's ass, Mulder!"
C) Chant, "Clear out the doctors and relatives, Dana, and use that bed with Fox!"
7) CancerMan tempts Mulder some more, this time by bringing back his sister Samantha, who claims that CSM is her father. As Mulder poignantly grips her hand in that diner, refusing to let her go, you realize:
A) The Punk's going to need truckloads of psych evaluation after this episode's over
B) Mulder just wants her to stay and try some of that damn good cherry pie shipped in from Twin Peaks
C) That Fox should invite her to the hospital to meet Dana and her family, and hopefully help him kick Bill's ass
8) Mulder quietly returns to the hospital and with tears in his eyes begins chewing at Scully's hand. You:
A) Want the Enigmatic One to wake up and trout-slap him
B) Wonder if Scully literally tastes like strawberries
C) Wish Fox would chew on Dana's lower lip instead, gently stirring her from her respite as she wraps an arm around his neck, drawing him closer to her as their mouths touch, as his hands slowly, oh so slowly moves along her stomach right up to her (deleted to protect younger viewers)
9) Scully meets with her mom, tears in her eyes. She confronts the moment of her mortality by questioning why she still wears her cross when she had denied her faith until now. As Scully questions her need for faith, you realize:
A) That Scully has now confirmed her sainthood and that the Vatican should begin the beafication process right now!!!
B) That Scully's really upset about these teethmarks on her arm
C) That Mrs. Scully really introduced her daughter Dana to that priest in Gethsemane so she can organize that impending wedding with Fox (hopeful grin)
10) CancerMan makes the offer to Mulder: Quit the FBI and work for him. Mulder says "no deal." You:
A) Recognize the moral victory and decide he's not such a Punk after all
B) Wonder if CancerMan will add to the temptation by offering a free lifetime subscription to Romana Clef magazine
C) Know Fox will go from this meeting straight to that jewelry store you're sure you spotted in the background so he can pick up that diamond ring he's had on order for two months (hopeful grin)
11) Okay, you've defeated the Rancor Beast and have escaped into the main hallway with your lightsaber. You're looking for a Droid Arm that'll help you open one of the locked doors at the other end of the hall. At this point you:
A) Trout-slap the survey writer and tell him to stop playing "Mysteries of the Sith" dammit!
B) Find the room with the conveyor belt and find the Droid Arm there, then slash at the grate below you to sneak into a Secret Area
C) Wonder if Mara Jade and Luke Skywalker would ever do it (P.S. Mara, make sure Luke doesn't have a tail, okay???)
12) Okay, back to the show. Blevins calls Mulder back to the carpet and offers a deal for Mulder to betray Skinner. You realize:
A) That after that close-up of the Elder, you can tell Scully that it wasn't him who left the teethmarks (Sheesh! You'd think the conspiracy would pay for a decent dental plan!...)
B) That now it's too obvious that Blevins is the mole and that he's going to get his ass kicked...right after Mulder whups Bill Jr's ass, that is...
C) That after all these deals and betrayals, it's good to know that Dana and Fox "trust" each other so well...(grateful sigh)...
13) Mulder and Scully meet one last time before he must go to the investigating committee. Mulder confides that he turned down a deal knowing Scully would argue against his accepting it. Scully clasps his hand and whispers that he will be in her prayers. You:
A) Know the Punk will be okay, because the Enigmatic One's prayers get to the Head Office Upstairs ASAP!
B) Know now that deal Mulder was offered doesn't have a decent dental plan
C) Know that priest was really there to perform an impromptu wedding...(deep sigh)...
14) Mulder goes before the committee, making his big speech about the conspiracy against the American people. He declares Blevins is the traitor in the FBI. As everybody runs about, with Blevins killed by his lackey and CancerMan shot by Quiet Willy, you shout:
A) "Go get 'em, Punk!"
B) "That's Brisk, baby!" (Sorry, saw the ad a moment ago...)
C) "Fox, get back to that hospital bed and get that priest to marry you and Dana NOW!"
15) Skinner finds Mulder waiting outside Scully's hospital room. They share information: Blevins is dead, CancerMan was shot but there's no body, and Scully's cancer is in remission. As Skinner tries to smile at an apologetic Scully and as Mulder stares at a photo of Samantha and cries, you end the episode by:
A) Knowing Scully would never die...after all, that's what Clyde said!
B) Pondering how CancerMan survived the shooting
C) Wishing we can see Dana and Fox celebrating over a bottle of red wine and sob stories about prom nights...(deep sigh)...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who knew the Enigmatic One would rise again
B) Then you are an X-Phile who really needs the cheat codes to get through the "Mysteries of the Sith" game
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's glad Dana and Fox know how to kiss each other on the cheek, but we want lips locking, dammit!!!
P.S. You know, an X-Files game like "Quake" and "Jedi Knight" wouldn't be all that bad!...
(Note: As this is 2016, I'm pretty sure an X-Files MMO would be more awesome!)
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