So, breaking out ye olde HTML copies on my flash drive, I've decided to serenade you all with one of the classic 'Shipper episodes, and the one where Mulder and Scully (sort of) finally kiss.
Sort of. DAMN NOROMOS.
This is one of the ones I need to edit as my online nickname never really stuck. So bear with me.
And for the Germans visiting the surveys, sorry about all the Nazi references. Kinda unavoidable.
Here goes...
TRIANGLE (the KISS Episode)
...but if Mulder wakes up wearing ruby slippers I swear I'll sue!...
Um, considering that absolutely EVERYBODY on the planet knows this is the episode where Mulder and Scully kiss (sorta), I don't think a SPOILER space is needed...
But there is a warning...
Because of a spatial anomaly caused when I read a passage of the Starr Report (Note: for you Germans who missed it, the Starr Report was a massive fishing expedition into Bill Clinton's financials that only proved he was getting blow jobs) backwards at 11:21 p.m. the night before the episode aired...I somehow unleashed my Mirror Universe version upon this world. He is evil, cunning, brutal, sporting a fake goatee like all other residents of the Mirror Universe, and most dangerous of all, a NoRomo. While my allies scour the cities looking to capture him, he is still at large. Be wary, he is desperate to stop this Survey at all costs!...
Okay, here we go:
1) The show begins in calm waters, as wreckage drifts by the submerged camera. Slowly, a figure comes into focus, an unconscious Mulder floating face down in the Atlantic Ocean. You respond with:
A) A bewildered "Hey, why is the Punk trying out for a Nirvana video? Mulder, you idiot, that band is long gone!..."
B) A sarcastic "Hey, that can't be the Atlantic Ocean! I can see the edge of the swimming pool, you jerks!"
C) A worried "Hey, is Chris Carter trying to set this up as a dream sequence or something? Noooooo..."
2) After the credits roll with a German message replacing the standard "The Truth Is Out There," the scene cuts to darkness, winds and rains cutting through the ocean night as sailors with thick British accents lift a groggy Mulder to safety. As they assume Mulder is a Nazi agent and begin slapping him silly, you:
A) Tap into the Enigmatic One's knowledge of German to translate the new message as "Nuns Do It Out Of Habit"...of course, if you flunked out of German class like this writer did...
B) Swear the British crew is about to rip into a Monty Python skit
C) Want Mulder to say, "Look, guys, I'm really here to meet this redhead, real cute looking, about ready to beat up any nurse named Nancy. Which way to the dance floor, fellas?"
3) The sailors drag Mulder through long dark corridors to the captain's office. We learn that it's two days after Germany's invasion of Poland, that England is moments away from declaring out-all war against the Nazis, and the RMS Queen Anne has been boarded by Gestapo agents. Mulder tries to explain his situation: that he has fallen through time, boarding this ship as it re-appeared...out of the Devil's Triangle, also known as the Bermuda Triangle, also known as a really good para-psychic-environment location for a slew of mystery/horror/sci-fi books and movies. As Mulder does his best to draw a map of the Triangle's boundaries, you:
A) Castigate the Punk for failing to locate Puerto Rico on the map...uh, Mulder, that's Ft. Lauderdale you're pointing at...there, down there, yeah, that's better...
B) Giggle, "Time warp? Limbo? <stand up> Let's do the time warp againnnn...<it's just a jump to the left>"
C) Remind DD that Gillian lived in England a short while...go get her and have her do a Cockney accent so brutal it'll make these Tommys sound like they're from Dayton, Ohio!...
4) The Brits get word that the Germans have bombed Pearl Harbor (whoops, scratch that)...that the Germans have seized the bridge. They leave Mulder locked in the captain's office as they storm off to save the day. You wait:
A) For the Captain to do his William Shanter impersonation... "No Nazi...Is going to sit...In my chair! I am responsible for the lives...Of 430 crew members...Mine is the final command! Spock, Bones, let's go save my ship!"
B) For the writer to finish the scene from "Animal House"... "The Germans?" "Forget it, he's rolling..."
C) For the kiss to happen...you can wait...you've waited this long, you can wait another 30 minutes...<sigh>
5) Mulder finds out his earlier assumption that the ship is the one out of time-sync is wrong: he's really back in 1939. The lights go out just as a German officer enters the room. In the darkness, Mulder struggles with the man and knocks him unconscious, but he sees in the hallway light that the German officer is none other than the FBI's "Employee of the Month" Agent Spender. As he ponders how this can be, you ponder:
A) What kind of Scully Rational Explanation (trademark pending) the Enigmatic One can develop
B) If this means we'll see Byers as the ship's architect, who begs forgiveness at the end for not building Mulder and Scully a ship that could withstand quantum temporal forces
C) If a kiss back in 1939 will have ramifications in 1998...well, it'd better!...
6) Mulder tries sneaking past the other Germans dressed in Spender's uniform. Unable to answer their replies in German, he finally runs for it as they pursue. You are damn sure the Germans are saying:
A) "Ubban Leiben Rockum Rollum" (no, wait, that's Def Leppard-ish for "All the girls say I'm pretty fly for a white guy")
B) "Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"
C) "Dana und Fox werden kuessen, yowza! Ach du lieber Gott!"
7) Mulder stumbles past the German soldiers into a ballroom where the passengers party while the rest of the ship becomes a war zone. Mulder wonders why this is going on, and bumps into a dancing couple, one of whom is a ringer for Dana Scully. Mulder tries to talk to Past!Scully, but she being a true American patriot assumes Mulder is a Ratzi and threatens to punch his lights out. As the real Germans show up to drag the poor guy away ("See? I told you?") while Past!Scully just stands there, you:
A) Know that the Enigmatic One has a trap set elsewhere for these Ratzis (picture a 16-ton weight set precariously over a nearby doorway) and she's just biding her time
B) Wonder why Mulder just didn't call her by cell phone to warn her about his costume change...what do you mean, they didn't have cell phones in 1939?!?!
C) Wanted Fox to strip off that uniform like in the movie "Full Monty" so he can cut in and dance with Past!Dana...<kinky sigh>
8) Nazi soldiers drag Mulder to the bridge, where the ship's captain has been captured and is being ordered to turn the ship toward Germany. The captain stoically refuses and pays the price. The Gestapo in charge of this calmly turns, pulls out a cigarette case, and turns toward Mulder to reveal he is...oh, c'mon, you can guess...right, CancerMan. As Skinner appears as a Nazi, warning Smoking Gestapo Man (SGM) that Mulder is an American, you know this means:
A) That we're going to see Mrs. Scully make an appearance later as an elegant British Dame working for the Secret Service, and she'll make Mulder a lovely cup of tea before sneaking him a .22 hand pistol.
B) That we're going to see Krycek as a croupier at the gambling tables who'll get to say one line "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg..." Mulder: "What? You lost your leg too?"
C) That we're going to see that guy from the ABC show "Cupid" making a cameo appearance to tell Past!Dana that the Punk isn't a Ratzi after all and Fox might be the guy of her dreams...
9) The show suddenly changes location, and perhaps even time period, as the camera moves swiftly through the crowded offices of the Hoover Building. We see Real!Scully sitting at her desk, startled to see the Lone Gunmen appear urgently seeking her assistance. They tell her that Mulder has vanished, gone in search of the ship Queen Anne which had disappeared 60 years ago but has now re-appeared earlier that day...just outside the Bermuda Triangle. As they ask Scully to confirm Mulder's last known location so they could go rescue him, you realize:
A) SHE HAS A DESK! <begin dancing big time, baby!>
B) That Visitor passes to the FBI Building is easier to get than it looks
C) That this is serious...Frohike doesn't flirt with Dana at all during the entire scene...
10) Scully races to see Skinner for his help, but Skinner reveals he has no supervisory jurisdiction now and that even talking to her or Mulder could get him in big trouble. As Scully chews Skinner out for being a cowardly bastid after all they have been through, you:
A) Cheer the Saint for her righteous anger and hope for Skinner's sake she doesn't start talking like Samuel L. Jackson in "Pulp Fiction"
B) Get the feeling a line was blown during this scene, because the problem with doing long single takes is that little things are allowed to slip...for example, someone drew a mustache on Clinton's picture in the background but no-one picked up on it...no, wait, that's a goatee...
<there is the sound of fingers scratching across a chalkboard. The writer turns in shock but is knocked unconscious with a Myst Linking Book. A new writer sits at the keyboard. A fake goatee is noticeably sticking atop a normal beard.>
<EvilWitty> Now, where were we? Oh, yes...the C) answer is usually a 'Shipper answer, isn't it? <wicked grin> We can just skip that, won't we?...bwha-ha-ha-ha-ha...
11) Poor Agent Scully runs about the FBI Building looking for help. As she rides down the elevator, her anxious frustration gets the attention of the secretaries standing near her. You:
C) Use your Agonizer to punish those about you
B) Laugh wickedly and switch channels to CSPAN and catch the latest on the Impeachment proceedings
A) Toss the television out the window in the mad hopes of squashing a squirrel or two
<rustling noise in the background> <The real Witty Librarian struggles against his bonds, crying out that C should have been "Worry that the secretaries are looking at Dana a certain way...not that there's anything wrong with it!..." <EvilWitty pulls out his Agonizer and punishes Witty with it>
12) Scully decides to go get help from AD Kersh, but she sees that Kersh is meeting with Cigarette Smoking Man at that very moment. As she tries to stammer her way out of the situation, horrified by this apparent betrayal and worried about revealing Mulder's dire predicament, you:
C) Chant "Yes, Scully, all have betrayed you! Come, come work for the Dark Side and your journey will be complete!" <maniacal laughter>
B) Refuse to watch the X-Files any more, confident that the Smoking Man will win in the end, and content yourself with watching the Golf Channel for the rest of your short, meaningless life! <maniacal laughter>
A) Do some knitting <maniacal laughter>
13) <ah, my favorite number!> Scully continues running, this time heading for the basement, where she directly confronts Spender with "I want you to do me a favor. It's not negotiable. Either you do it or I kill you. You understand?" You:
C) Are satisfied that Scully's journey to the Dark Side is now complete! Bwha-ha-ha-ha
B) Don't know why anyone would answer these...what's that movement?
<EvilWitty turns to see Mary Jamieson, "Yet Another" Nancy Black, and LadyZod charge at him.> <Jamieson tosses the entire paperwork of her English 1101 classes at EvilWitty.> <The full 2-ton weight of the paperwork buries EvilWitty> <Witty Librarian is untied and led to the computer keyboard with an urgent "Hurry, there's not much time!">
Thanks, ladies. <whew> Okay, now to repair the damage...
13) Scully confronts Spender, getting him to get the naval intelligence info she needs to find Mulder, and warns him not to weasel his way out of this. While she waits, noting Spender and Fowley's hideous decor work to HER office <dammit!>, she answers the phone and does her best Mimi Rogers impersonation. You:
A) Salute the Enigmatic One for her Take-Charge attitude, although you do know that Scully is too good to really kill Spender, well, unless she HAD to...
B) Notice she doesn't sound a bit like Cagney...oh, wait, I was flashing back to the Beatles' "Help" movie...damn Agonizer plays havoc with memory recall...ouch...
C) Know that Dana is doing this all for love...<whew> Finally got to say that...;-)
14) Scully finds out from Kersh's secretary (or is she the big-band singer with a poor choice of friends?) that Spender has reported her odd behavior. She lets loose a "That rat bastard!" and charges out of the basement. You know:
A) That Scully is going to keep her word and kill that Spud-boy! Woo-hoo! Now, if she can do something about Marita...and Phoebe...and Fowley...and Dr. Bambi <snarl>...
B) That Spender's not a rat: that's Krycek! She should have stuck to the "weasel" analogy she used earlier. Spender is now officially Weasel Boy!
C) That Dana should be grateful at least that Spender threw out all those videos Mulder kept his drawer, which kept Fox from his one true love...she should consider that while she's pummeling the Weaz...
15) Scully's playing with the elevator buttons, not yet ready to openly confront Kersh, Spender, and CancerMan. Her cell phone beeps, and she excitedly answers thinking it could be Mulder. Static ruins her reception until the doors open, and she finds out it's Skinner: he relented and found the information she was looking for. Scully kisses Skinner. On the lips. You:
A) Know that the Enigmatic One is really showing her gratitude to Skinner for his keeping faith with her...but really, a handshake would have sufficed...
B) Are grateful that none of the secretaries who were giving Scully a once-over are seeing her do this...would have dashed their hopes, you know...
C) Worry that the damn bloody NoRomos are going to have a field day with this! Dana, noooooooooo! Save it for Fox!...
<In the background, EvilWitty lets loose a "ha-ha!" from underneath the 2-ton pile of research papers> <The Real Witty gives the pile a quick kick>
16) Scully races for her life, jumping into the Lone Gunmen-Mobile (any doubts it would be anything other than a beat-up VW van?...) and hurrying from the Hoover Building on her way to the Bermuda Triangle to rescue Mulder. You take this all in and:
A) Still wonder and amaze at the Saint's miraculous ability to run in high-heels!
B) Ponder who's going to pay for gas on their drive down to Ft. Lauderdale <that's also 14 hours to drive, trust this survey writer he's DONE that in the real world!>
C) Know that Dana will save Fox in time for them to sail over to Jamaica for the honeymoon! <sigh>
17) The scene shifts back to the ship. Mulder gives the captured British sailors a brief synopsis of how the Big W. W. Eye-Eye turns out, with England on the winning team and with not much for the next 50 years to apologize for, "Except for the Spice Girls." They find out the Germans are on board looking for "weapons," especially after a code phrase "Thor's Hammer" was intercepted. The crew from above decks now intermingle with the engine room crew made up of Jamaicans. While they bicker about the Germans taking the boat back to Germany, Mulder tries to warn the crew not to let it happen. Thor's Hammer, he reveals, is not a weapon but a man, a scientist up in the ballroom. When British Crewman #1 suddenly turns out to be a double agent for the Ratzis, you:
A) Agree with the Jamaican when he yells at the Punk, "Trust No One, Mon!"
B) Realize that the scientist in question is being played by Langly...no, wait, he's Lord Man-hammer...my mistake...
C) Wonder how Fox could have seen the scientist when he was so busy making all that eye contact with Past!Dana...
18) The debate of the ages breaks out in the engine room: the British boys want to turn the ship toward England; the Jamaicans led by Past!Kersh want to head straight for Jamaica; and that wild and wacky guy Mulder wants them to take the ship back into the Triangle to return the ship first to its natural timeline. You take this all in and:
A) Know that if Scully was there, she would have interpreted Mulder's spooky thoughts into a more coherent plan of attack for the others to grok
B) Cheer with the Jamaicans! Let's go to Jamaica!
C) Think that Fox would agree with Past!Kersh...after all, Jamaica's a great place for Fox and Dana (either version) to honeymoon...<romantic sigh>
19) The Nazis arrive to drag Mulder back above deck. In the ballroom, CGM and Gestapo!Spender are prepared to find out which of the passengers is the scientist. Mulder refuses now to reveal that information. CGM gives the order, and a soldier pulls the trigger on an elderly gentleman. Mulder, knowing how dangerous this is, still refuses to talk. Another man is shot. Past!Scully gets into the argument, telling Gestapo!Spender ("Listen to me, you little weasel...") that Mulder knows nothing. You shout:
A) "Damn right he knows nothing!"
B) "It doesn't matter which version of Scully we're dealing with...both of them have got Spender nailed cold!"
C) "Hey, you Ratzis, you can do whatever you want to these two...just don't toss 'em in that broom closet over there! Yeah, they hate being in a small, dark, quiet, romant...uh, quiet place! Yeah, that's it!..."
20) Gestapo!Spender pulls his gun on Past!Scully and threatens to shoot her. Mulder finally agrees to point out the scientist. He walks over to the gentleman Scully was dancing with earlier...and then points to the first dead man, claiming the Germans have already killed him. You:
A) Task the Punk for being such a bad liar...see? Spender's still got his gun pointed at the Enigmatic One!...<grumble>
B) Realize that whoever shot this guy is going to get busted down in rank...CancerMan ain't too thrilled with poor performance evaluations...
C) Sigh, knowing that Fox would do anything to save Dana (previous, present, and post incarnations)...<sigh>
21) We cut to Now!Scully, who along with the Lone Gunmen come up beside the Queen Anne, lights ablazin'. As they work to get onboard, Past!Scully and Mulder try to convince the Germans the dead man was the guy they had sought. But they trip up the two by demanding the dead man's name, so Scully tries to name herself as the scientist. Unfortunately, her noble sacrifice goes for naught when the man she escorted agrees to surrender himself if it means no more bloodshed. When the Nazis pull the scientist out and give the order to kill everyone in the room, you realize:
A) That Past!Scully could have passed as a scientist...dammit, read them that report on Einstein's theory of time travel!...oh, wait, wrong Scully...well, hey, this version might know it too!...
B) That these Nazis are pretty gullible...the real scientist is that guy over in the corner! Yeah, that guy! <blam> Or, uh, maybe that guy, the one hiding under the buffet table! <blam> Or, hey, what about that guy over there with...<blam> Okay, how about...
C) That it's a damn shame Fox and Past!Dana have to die before they can say how much they, well, "Trust" each other...<sad sigh>
22) As the Nazis move in for the kill, the engine suddenly goes dead, and the British and Jamaican crew members storm their way into the ballroom. As the fists start flying and the action intensifies, you:
A) Swear you saw Past!Scully high-kick a Ratzi right where it counts! Yeah!
B) Swear that Mark Snow is having the time of his life with this big band music! Yeah, baby!
C) Swear that Fox and Dana's wedding is going to be as whacked out as this scene! Yeah!
23) Scully leads the Lone Gunmen into the deserted halls of the ship. Mulder finds Past!Scully in the ballroom melee and asks her to come with him, because she's the only one who can save the ship. Everybody starts running in every direction, with Past!Skinner helping out Mulder and Past!Scully with good aim and a bad British accent. You:
A) Notice that Scully's really looking for that clarinet player playing on the big band soundtrack...sounds like the clarinet's signaling some big-time action happening somewhere!
B) Think Mitch should watch a few more Monty Python episodes to help with his fake accent
C) Hope that Fox and Past!Dana hurry up to the bow of the ship so they can do that "I'm Flying" scene before the iceberg hits! <I know, corny as hell, but some referral to You-Know-What had to be made at some point!>
24) Mulder and Past!Scully wait in a hallway for the Nazis to pass by. Scully gets lost looking for the Lone Gunguys. At just the right moment, Scully and Past!Scully turn the same corner and pass each other by. You gauge their reactions and:
A) Realize that if Gillian doesn't get an Emmy for those "stunned-look" scenes, everyone and their mothers should go on the warpath!
B) Wonder why either Scully doesn't just go back around the corner and just take a little peek just to make sure they saw what they thought they just saw...
C) Ponder if there's two Scullys and one Mulder... hmm... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
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25) The split screen shows the ballroom fight in full swing <literally and figuratively> while Scully and the Lone Gunmen head in that direction. The split screen ends <along with the score> as the investigative team enter the room...and find it completely deserted...a ghost ship. You:
A) Weep, "But there was a fight going on! And Scully didn't have a chance to pitch in! Damn it all!..."
B) Conjecture, "Hey, I guess after the fight, everybody must have gone to Jamaica after all!"
C) Propose, "Well, if they cleaned up the cobwebs, fixed the lighting, brought in a few Elvis Impersonators, this would be a great place to hold a wedding!"
26) Mulder leads Past!Scully out to the promenade, where he tells her she has to turn the ship back around or else time will not play out the way it should, and that if it doesn't then he won't exist "And neither will you," meaning the version Mulder knows. You take this moment to:
A) Notice that look Past!Scully has...it's the same one Now!Scully uses when she's about to growl "Mulder, you're nuts!"
B) Wonder why Mulder doesn't take an extra second to explain temporal mechanics...I mean, it's really simple if you use the analogy of making a bowl of banana-filled Jell-O...
C) Wait, because IT'S COMING!...
27) "So, in case we never meet again..." Mulder grabs Past!Scully and kisses her. Long and hard. You:
A) Shrug. Well, hey, had to happen...
B) Stare. It's so dark you can't really see...
C) Faint in orgasmic bliss. You can die now a happy 'Shipper...<huge massive sigh>
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28) Past!Scully pulls away...after a minute or two. She gasps, with a noticeable grin on her face...before she hauls off and slams a right fist into Mulder's jaw. As they both shake it off, you:
A) Nod in agreement. Next time, the kiss ought to be on the Blessed One's terms, dammit!
B) Think next time Scully would be better off using a collapsible chair like the pro wrestlers use
C) Weep bitterly, because you wanted her to kiss back...<sob> <wail> <gnashing of teeth>
<a maniacal laugh emanates from underneath the 20-ton pile of homework papers> <Survey writer gives EvilWitty another swift kick>
29) Mulder jumps overboard into the darkness. Past!Scully panics and tosses a life preserver after him. We see him pulled from the water before the screen fades. You're certain:
A) That Past!Scully will now beat the Ratzis, rescue the scientist, return the ship back to its original timeline, and say as the crew chants for Jamaica, "You know, I'm about due for a vacation after this trip..."
B) That Mulder tossed a necklace into the waters before he jumped in
C) That Fox is going to find the real Dana on the other side of this darkness...and give her a big wet sloppy kiss before she decks him too! <hopeful sigh>
(Note: in 2015-16, the idea of a World War II era Action Girl makes a lot of goddamn sense given the popularity of Agent Carter. A series based on Past!Scully's WWII hijinks would have rocked...)
30) Mulder awakes in the hospital, where Scully waits to tell him of what they found: a ghost ship, with no sign of the people Mulder met in 1939. But Mulder goes into a rant about how she "was there," that Skinner was there ("Right, with Toto..." he growls as he tosses down some flowers), and that Scully saved the world. Everyone turns to go, but Mulder asks Scully back and says "Scully, I love you." You conclude by:
A) Cheering the fact that Mulder insists that Scully saved the world! Damn right!
B) Cheering the fact that everyone on the ship got off okay after tossing the Ratzis overboard, and are enjoying their stay on the "Close Encounters" Mother Ship along with the Flight 19 crew!
C) Cheering the fact that MULDER SAID IT! HE SAID "SCULLY I LOVE YOU!" YES! <blissful sigh> <faint>
D) What was Skinner doing there with flowers? Oh no, Damn Slashers...!
<EvilWitty speaks up from underneath the papers> "But Scully said, 'Oh, brother'! Ha! She didn't believe it! She doesn't love him! She doesn't love him! Bwha-ha-ha!" <maniacal laughter>
<Witty turns to his allies> "Well guys, what should we do with him?"
<Mary Jamieson nods> "We could always try sending him back..."
<Witty> "How? We don't have any dilithium crystals!"
<Yet Another Nancy Black> "Well, if he stays here, he has to pay for his NoRomo sins..."
<Everyone ponders>
<Witty> "How do you torture a NoRomo?"
<LadyZod> "Well, force him to watch Ali McGraw in 'Love Story' until he goes mad, I guess..."
<EvilWitty screams the scream of the eternally damned>
Okay, if you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSEr who always knew that Scully's work on Einstein's time travel theories would let her go back in time to do her bit for the U.S. of A.! <salute>
B) Then you are an X-Phile who knows a few dance steps and can cut a rug with the best of 'em, mon! NOW ON TO JAMAICA! <crew cheers>
C) Then you are a 'Shipper whose faith in this show has now been justified...and whose "rewind" and "play" buttons on the VCR remote are going to get burned out within the next few days! <deep satisfying sigh> Now if we can get Scully to say what needs to be said!...
So who's up for a Scully-in-WWII comic book series?
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