Sunday, January 17, 2016

X-Files: Three Words 'Shipper Survey

So here we are ONE WEEK AWAY from the return of the cult favorite show THE X-FILES!

And there's still a ton of Mytharc episodes I could throw at you that were done as 'Shipper Surveys. One thing I haven't done yet is put in a recap survey from Season Eight: The Season Where Duchovny Went Half-and-Half, and this is also the season where Scully's pregnancy was a major plot point of said Mytharc.

I know these postings are not in any order, but then again by Season Seven it became clear the crew making this show didn't care much for continuity... Also, if you pay attention you may notice part of this survey was written during an OBSSE marathon get-together in Orlando, ages ago. Sniff, nobody from the St. Scully group has called me back, has it been that long away...?


Three Words? Sure: Klaatu Barada Necktie! What?...

1) It's the White House. All right, the cross-over episode with "The West Wing" we've always been hoping for! A seemingly normal civil service worker (trust me, a guy looking like that in D.C. has got to be manning a federal desk!) scales the fence surrounding POTUS's babe-magnet mansion and tries his best to invade the premises. Good luck. This place has more security than a high school. Sure enough, SWAT Secret Service guys tackle the man, who blabbers about alien invasions taking place RIGHT NOW. A gun is shown. The guy shoots himself (?!). Oswald escapes into a movie theater. Whoops, wrong shooting. The dying man holds up a CD, begging it be given to the President. When you see the disk's title as "Fight The Future," you shout out:

A) see B)

B) see C)

C) "WHAT?! All this for a bootleg DVD copy of the X-Files movie?! Sheesh, man, the Prez coulda picked up a clean copy at the nearest Blockbuster Video, you moron!..."

2) It's the hospital from last week's episode. Mulder still shows a few scars from his abduction ordeal. Scully and another doctor enter. Mulder tells them he's fit as a fiddle, but they already know: in fact, he's healing too rapidly. Even the affliction he was suffering from before the abduction has faded. He's in perfect health. Which tells you:

A) That Scully's medical skill is DAMN good. Hey, can we get her on our HMO as a primary care physician?...

B) Chris Carter wants this part of the mytharc wrapped up NOW. He's ready to ridicule whatever else remains of the show's continuity, so let's move on shall we?...

C) All an abductee needs to get better is some TLC! Sigh...

3) Next thing we know, Scully is shepherding Mulder back into his apartment. His apartment. Wait. He was found dead. He was buried. That was three months ago in the X-Files Universe. Are you telling me someone kept his apartment? They kept his furniture? They kept his porno vids?!?! Three months, people! In a major metropolitan area like D.C., and they can't unload an apartment whose tenant was abducted and was presumed dead and all of that!!! Excuse me! Someone DID NOT THINK THIS THROUGH!!! Dammit! Chris Carter must have been brainwashed by the Continuity Geniuses that oversee the Highlander franchise!!! AUGH! Now, while you're screaming just like this survey writer is, you're sure the best way Chris Carter could have stuck to continuity was:

A) To have the Punk stay at a Motel Six! They leave the light on for ya!

B) Stick to sacred banana slug stories! (Chant) (Revere)

C) To have Fox move in with Dana, who would keep apologizing about losing his futon and porno vids but at least kept the fish.

NOTE: It seems one of the fish died. That was the only thing to change at the apartment. Go ahead. Keep grumbling about it. *I* certainly do!...

4) It's awkward in Mulder's apartment. Not because the porno tapes were returned to Blockbuster. It's because Mulder and Scully are talking about her pregnancy. Ah. Scully is bordering on tears. Mulder, his male insensitivity genes kicking in, is talking like he's not sure how that happened and like he might not be the father. You:

A) Scream "Insensitive Male Punk!" (Trout-slap)

B) Chant "Bwha-Ha-Ha! The NoRomos Win!"

C) Gargle Gershwin. No, wait, you scream "Fox! Admit it! You shagged her royally and she's carrying your love child! Damn NoRomos!"

5) It's prison. The cast of "Oz" is not prepared for a cross-over episode with the X-Files and half the cast has already been killed off by Chaco Chicken Cannibals. So we switch over to Cell Block Q where Absalom is contemplating his place in the universe. The prison librarian walks over with a book titled "The Coming Apocalypse," that book written by Martin Landau's character from the movie. Now *THIS* bit of continuity they remember. Sheesh. Absalom reads about the dead government clerk and cries. You realize:

A) This guy needs to get out more! No, wait...

B) Absalom needs to find more uplifting literary reads. Can't the prison librarian recommend a title or two from Ursula Hegi?...

C) The Slashers would say something inappropriate here, so let's move on...

6) Kersh is waiting in his office to see Skinner and Doggett. Kersh wants to talk about Mulder being re-instated to the X-Files office. Naturally, that's not going to happen. Kersh, looking for any excuse to keep Mulder in custodial services where he belongs, points up this fact that Doggett has a higher arrest rate working the X-Files than Mulder did. Kersh is forgetting, though, that the mass arrest of slug worshippers is throwing off the grading scale. Doggett isn't thrilled with the idea of ruining Mulder's life just as he's getting out of the grave. Kersh snarls, "Maybe you'd rather I close the X-Files. Then we'd both be getting what we want." You reply:

A) "How do you know what Doggett wants? For all we know, what he wants is a Phillips CD-R system so he can burn his own Shania Twain disks!"

B) "Kersh wants to close the X-Files? Really? Then how will the FBI be able to investigate liver-eating mutants?"

C) "Hey! Will someone ask Walter to stop looking at John like that? Damn Slashers! (NOTE: Survey writer is still reading Jessica's recaps for

7) Back at Mulder's apartment. No, really, who kept paying for it? Scully? Shouldn't she have been spending for an obstetrician? (NOTE: do pregnant women go to an obstetrician or is the doctor called something else. I'm a guy, so I have no personal experience in these matters) Skinner is telling Mulder the good news about Kersh. Mulder, going into full Paranoid! Mode, seems nonplused by these developments. He openly wonders about Doggett and where his loyalties lie. You want Scully tell him:

A) Doggett's loyalties lie with the OBSSE! He's Brother Dog, paying dues since 1997!

B) Doggett's loyalties lie with the Rebel Alliance, fleeing from the wrath of the Evil Galactic Empire! And he brought his lightsaber, too...

C) Doggett's just a good friend. Really, that's all he is. Okay, you bleeping NoRomos! Just let it go!...

8) Ah, yes, the future of the American penal system: chain gangs. Or is that a new reality show somewhere? Absalom is busy hiding a piece of wood with a nail in it from the guards. The transports arrive to take the prisoners back to Ruhe Pente. Absalom uses the board-and-nail on a guard and breaks off running. Quick, can anyone remember the early 80's band that sung "There's gonna be a jailbreak?" I can't get that song out of my head. Absalom runs for his freedom with a van in not-so-hot pursuit. I mean, the fastest a guy not training for the Olympics is what, 45 MPH tops? And this van's not even breaking the speed limit in a school zone, fer Blessed Slug's sakes. As Absalom makes good his escape, you think to yourself:

A) "Who does this guy think he is? Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man? Now, there was a guy who could run fast and make it look like slow motion!...(sigh)..."

B) "Okay, I want a hard target search of every house, henhouse, outhouse, doghouse, cathouse, Waffle House, White House, House of Games, house of cards, and Red House Over Yonder in that area. Roadblocks go up at fifteen miles! Our fugitive's name is...Joachim, from Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan! Go get him!"

C) "Dana. Fox. Chains of Love. It could work. Sigh."

NOTE: This scene is supposed to be taking place in West Virginia. To my knowledge, West Virginia does not have scrub brush desert vistas. Where's Vancouver when you need it?...

9) Doggett's big, empty house. Not for long. Doggett returns home to find Absalom waiting, having grabbed the agent's gun. He checks the back of Doggett's neck, relieved to find nothing there. He's here because of the dead civil service worker. Absalom wants Doggett to spread the word. You're sure the word is:

A) "Enigmatic!"

B) "Cerulean!"

C) "DanaLovesFoxYesThisIsMoreThanOneWordButTheyAreBeingPutTogetherAsOneWord!"

NOTE: I'm now writing this at Kimiye's house in Orlando during the OBSSE's Scullython on May 12. This kinda helps show you just how bleeped up my time management is dealing with moving into a new home, work, getting a girlfriend (unsuccessfully), feeding cats, etc.

10) FBI Headquarters. Skinner is giving field agents the update on Absalom's manhunt (shouldn't the U.S. Marshals be conducting this?...). He's describing the former Star Trek secondary character as "dangerous, unstable, and most likely another absentee Florida voter." Skinner points out the words carved into Absalom's prison cell. You're sure the words are:

A) "Protect the endangered banana slugs!"

B) "‘Shawshank Redemption' is overrated! ‘Chained Heat' rocks!"

C) "Fight the Prenuptial Agreement!"

11) Skinner and Scully are worried they can't reach Doggett and get him to find Absalom. Moot issue, as Doggett already knows where to look. Something else is going on, though. They're called down to the basement where Mulder, dressed again like an FBI agent, is eager to get to work. It seems, though, that Kersh doesn't want him to: both Scully and Skinner are terrified Mulder will get caught. Mulder, too reckless to care, starts poking through the Absalom stuff. Next thing you know, you're sure Mulder is going to:

A) Take back his desk! But it's not his anymore! It's Scully's!!!"

B) Change the voicemail message to "Mad Dog Pizza! We Deliver!"

C) Propose marriage to the one carrying his love child! And no, it's not Melissa Etheridge!"

12) Absalom is taping a gun onto Doggett's back, making sure he's got good aim at the back of the skull. But that's not important right now. What's important is that Mulder is sneaking around again breaking into storage rooms and causing trouble. Scully is tagging along, warning him she needs him to stay out of jail: who else is going to help out with lamaze class? Mulder finds the dead civil worker's laptop, conveniently containing every cheat code needed to win at "Evil Dead: Hail to the King." Scully decides to stop berating him and takes the laptop in for evidence. At this point you:

A) see B)

B) see C)

C) Look up from the computer to realize Kimiye has returned with the Subway sandwiches. The Scullython is about due for a lunch break! Be right back!!!

13) Okay. Burp. Subway Melt. Yum. Where were we? Oh. Absalom is using Doggett to guide his way into a vital office building of the United States Government. The Post Office? No. FEMA? Oh, please. That was so three seasons ago. Now it's the U.S. Census that's the key conspiratorial agency threatening the world. Absalom wants to break in, and he leads Doggett to an office space in the bowels of the spider's web of statistical data. Okay, NOW the guys with guns show up. Absalom screams he's got a hostage. Doggett warns the SWAT guys he's got a gun aimed at his head. There's a lot of yelling and shouting and...BLAM! Absalom gets shot. The survey writer was honestly surprised by this turn of events (I thought Absalom was good for at least two more episodes), but you know:

A) Scully would have avoided this whole mess by using her high heels to cut into Absalom's foot, then knocking him into the nearest car that has seats with fine Corinthian leather!

B) The identity of the sniper! It was Bobo the assassin chimp! He mercy!

C) John's going to need a hug. But not from Dana, she reserves them for Fox! Hmm. Walter? No, you damn Slashers! Monica? (Eww) How about someone new, maybe from Accounting?...

14) Doggett is reviewing the situation with Skinner. Mulder enters the room. This is what we call the "meet-cute" scene, in which Mulder once again introduces himself by beating the crap out of somebody. Skinner tries to break it up. Mulder's pissed both that Doggett's occupying his office to "bury the truth," and that he's taken Mulder's porno collection out of the bottom cabinet drawers. Doggett's being stoic in not throwing a punch but isn't about to back down. Skinner shoves Mulder out of the office, but tries to apologize for his behavior. You take this all in and decide the manliness man of this manly bunch is:

A) None of them. These sissies can never measure up to Scully's dad!

B) Whichever one doesn't have a prescription of Viagra. Real Men don't need medication.

C) Insert Slasher answer here. Damn Slashers!...

15) Scully's apartment. Frohike answers the door. What? FROHIKE?! Could he be...? Mulder and Frohike hug. But in a manly hetero way. They meet with Scully and the other Lone Gunmen, who are slumming from their own series long enough to ask about just how exactly Scully got pregnant. Mulder and Scully are incredibly tentative. You want either of them to say:

A) "Forget it! We're not naming the kid after you! ‘Lone Gunmen' Scully? The school bullies would have a field trip!..."

B) "Well, Langly, when a man and a woman love one another deeply enough, they get together over beer and pretzels and call the stork for delivery services and then..."

C) "We had sex! Okay! We had sex! The ‘Shippers can relax now! The UST has been resolved! And we're naming the kid after Pendrell!"

16) It turns out the Census worker uncovered something, something so hideous and so deplorable that he couldn't wait to save it for a movie sequel. However, whatever it was is now locked down behind a computer firewall so secure they can't even pretend Hollywood-style that they can hack into it. The only thing they can do is physically invade the facility. You know that means:

A) Scully's going to be performing autopsies on any secondary characters that aid them in the break-in within 2.6 minutes after the commercial!

B) Stunt doubles. Lots and lots of stunt doubles!

C) We get a teary farewell scene between two of the characters. Dammit, Frohike, you and Jimmy can resolve these things in another survey!...

17) Doggett goes for a walk in the park. He meets his friend Adam "Reliable He-Man Character Actor" Baldwin (any relation to the other Baldwins?...) we last saw double-crossing Scully in Per Manum. Doggett still thinks this guy is reliable. Of course, this being a mytharc episode his friend can't tell Doggett anything directly, just in riddles. Quick, what does he mean when he tells Doggett, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls?" You think it means:

A) Scully was caught vandalizing in her youth! Probably something like "Ramones Forever!" Sigh...

B) Someone's quoting from rock lyrics again!

C) Dana loves Fox? Well, everything means Dana loves Fox! Sigh

NOTE: I am now typing this Monday. It has been two days since being at Kimiye's. Being funny takes more time than it looks, ya?

18) Actually, Doggett's friend says, "Three words." You're sure the three words are:

A) "Gillian deserves Oscar recognition." No, damn, that's four words!

B) "Whadda ya mean, fans expect continuity?" No, that's six words!

C) "Dana Loves Fox." YAY! That fits!

19) Later. Doggett finds Scully on the street outside her apartment (which doesn't match her street from Seasons One, Two, Three, or Four. Are we missing Vancouver yet, folks?...). He's got word about what the dead civil service worker wanted to give the President. It was a disk of information. The password was three words. You're sure, absolutely positively sure, that Doggett is going to say the three words are:

A) "Where's Ma Scully?"

B) "Where's John Conner?"

C) "Fox should marry you, Dana. You obviously love one another, and you are carrying his uberchild, and...and...all right, so it's not three words, but still it needs to be said!"

20) Scully meets with Mulder. She's conflicted over whether or not to tell Mulder the three words. Much later. There's a knock at Doggett's door. This time he's got his gun ready. Smart lad. Skinner is there with word from Scully. She's upset, which means Skinner's upset, which means a lot of ladies who obsess over bald FBI directors are upset. But I digress. She passed the password on to Mulder, who's apparently acting on the information. Doggett is realizing he may have set Mulder up as Bobo's next target. You are realizing:

A) That Scully should have realized the Punk would do this to her and ruin her evening. She should have just told him to rent a copy of "Farewell My Concubine" or something for a late-night dinner...

B) Doggett can't really order out for pizza from now on without scaring the bleep out of the delivery boy!

C) If Dana did love Fox, she should have told him to meet her at a wedding chapel, uh, for a clandestine meeting with an Elvis impersonator who moonlights as a justice of the peace and...and...guys, help me out here. I need to make the excuse more convincing!...

21) Doggett finds Scully waiting in the car. Does Scully ever want to wait in the car? I mean, she really hasn't done that since Season Two, right? Anyway, Doggett warns her this is a set-up, and for her to get going before she gets dragged into this. He then goes running off to find Mulder. Mulder, meanwhile, has succeeded in penetrating the dark corridors of an office building in downtown Vancouver and is proceeding to manipulate the city's Chamber of Commerce web site to trick people into moving with the basketball team to Memphis. You're worried:

A) That the Blessed One is going to have to autopsy both the Punk and the Dog when this is all done. But at least the desk will finally be hers! Bwha-ha-ha!

B) That Memphis just isn't a good place for professional basketball. Wouldn't Sioux City Iowa be more eager and willing to support a team?...

C) That Dana's not there with a flashlight to guide Fox to where he really needs to go...the underground corridor leading to the nearest Waffle House! Why not, he needs to snack once and awhile, right?...

22) Mulder has broken into the U.S. Census offices. Oooh. We're impressed. The Lone Gunmen are hanging on nearby (literally) to log him in and secure the data he needs. Doggett arrives to find the door that Mulder used is now locked. In true manly fashion, he shoots it. The NRA will protest the loss of a perfectly good bullet later on. Doggett is trying to get Mulder out. Mulder still believes Doggett is a naughty boy and shouldn't be listened to. You believe:

A) That this year's Scully Marathon will be the most successful one yet! Well, that's kinda a no-brainer, but still...

B) That Episode II of the Star Wars saga needs more Boba Fett and less Jar-Jar. Again, a no-brainer...

C) That Dana and Fox are in love. Well, DUH!

23) Mulder is finding the information he wants: proof that the U.S. Census was used to track people for abduction, assimilation, and acclimation. Unfortunately, he's finding out from the Lone Gunmen the data isn't even transmitting out of the office building like they had hoped. Worse, they're all finding out from Scully that Bobo and his boys have arrived to shoot first and ask questions never. You're sure the best way of escape now is:

A) Back through the Matrix

B) By clicking their heels three times and saying "Pee-Wee Herman did what in Sarasota?"

C) The ceiling. Government-training assassin chimps never look up there!

24) Later. Doggett's army buddy is finishing up his jog. Doggett surprises him out of nowhere. Before the guy can go, Doggett points out Skinner in the distance, and warns that unless he gets the right answers "that man puts your name on all the wrong desks." There's still a lot of evasive talking, though. He claims, "You got it all right in front of you. It's all in the X-Files. I'm just one man trying to point you in the right direction." You reply:

A) "Just SAY IT! Aliens, dammit! It's all about aliens! YOU KNOW WHAT'S THERE SO TELL US! It's been eight long damn years and WE'RE TIRED OF WAITING! (Insert many trout-slaps here)"

B) "It'd be nice if the direction wasn't towards the nearest firing squad!"

C) "That's it! Just take the wedding gift back and don't even think about showing up at the baby shower!"

25) Disgusted, Doggett walks away. His army buddy leans down for one more drink at the water fountain, showing off a dorsal fin. You can say, "Oh crap" at this point. And as the episode concluded, you can say one last thing:

A) "He is DEFINITELY NOT coming to the baby shower!"

B) "Dammit, Paul, does it really take a whole month to write one of these surveys?"

C) "Wait! I know what the Three Words are! ‘Marry me, Dana'! IT FITS! IT WORKS! YAY!"

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you're an OBSSE member who's checking the necks of every nun in the group. Hey, SisTree, what's this on your neck? (SisTree grumbles and shows off her tattoo declaring her love for Steve Buscemi) Oh, okay...

B) Then you're an X-Phile who's figured out the Three Words: "Continuity? What Continuity?"

C) Then you're a ‘Shipper who's grateful that Dana and Fox are together, but guys, why didn't Fox ask if he was the superbaby's father?! Doesn't he care? Doesn't he want to be a mature responsible adult, marry the woman he loves, and raise the uberScully children on a farm in Montana?! (weep) (wail)

There we go, peoples.


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