Friday, January 22, 2016

My finest in free verse: Scully Is A Highlander fanfiction

Just found out one of my olde fanfic stories "Scully Is A Highlander" is referenced on the TV Tropes page under the Crack Fic category!


So here's a copy of the story from the much-beloved Gossamer archives. PLEASE do visit to read the fanfic!

Good Lord, I wrote this back in 1995?!  ...What have I done with my life since then?

Scully Is...a Highlander
by. Paul Wartenberg

Byers (voice over):
When psychic Clyde Bruckman informed FBI agent Dana Scully that he could
not see her death, she was at first skeptical.  But some time later, she
had a near-death experience from which she discovered she was part of a
race of Immortals, those who can never die, except with the loss of their
heads, with holy ground their only sanctuary.
I should know.  My name is Byers, one of a group known as the Lone Gunmen,
who have heard rumors throughout history of these Immortals.  It is now
our job to record the actions of Dana Katherine Scully as she confronts
the other Immortals to be one of the few who will come to the Gathering,
to claim the Prize and dominion over humanity.  Pray that it is Scully, a

Mulder (voice over):
Scully, your family's not Scottish...

Scully (voice over):
Well, it's my high school mascot...

OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE (Queen music plays at full blast.  Lots of
close-ups with Scully twirling a sword and cutting off guys' heads.
Mulder is in background, shaking his head and thinking "this show used to
be about aliens...")

(Mulder and Scully are riding an elevator up.  For a long time nothing is
said.  Scully sighs and absentmindedly wipes clean her sword blade on her
sleeve.  Mulder shrugs and double checks his gun.  It's a slow elevator.)

Scully (Staring forward away from Mulder.):
You don't have to do this.

You're my partner.

Yeah, but you've got one life.

And you've got one head.  You need all the help you can get.

Okay but this time aim straight, clear?

(They go back to standing in silence facing the elevator doors.  This is
an incredibly slow elevator.  Image starting on the first floor of the
World Trade Center on an elevator where all the buttons are pushed and
you're trying to get to the top floor.  Then image the elevator itself is
moving two feet per minute.  That's how long this elevator ride is.)

Should we have taken the stairs?

Um...oh, wait, here's our floor.

(It takes another two minutes for the doors to open.  They step out into
a hallway filled with thuggish extras from "Die Hard," "Darkman," and a
cameo appearence by Richard Kiel with those killer braces.)

Mulder (Busily emptying his gun's clip.):
I've got a problem.

Scully (Cutting the guts out of two bad guys at one time.):
What's wrong?

I've run out of one liners.

Just flash your underwear, that should keep the audience's attention.

Richard Kiel:

Uh oh.  James Bond villain at eleven twenty one o'clock.

Scully (busy):
Stop with the time jokes already, Mulder!

(Kiel bites down on Mulder's gun, chewing it in half.)

Mulder (Shrugs and tosses remains of gun over his shoulder.):
At least I don't have to worry about dropping it...

(Krugan struts through the room waving his sword in anger as his lackeys
stand around waiting for action.)

I don't get it.  All I seek is the Prize.  All I seek is total victory.
So why does everyone treat me like a villain?

One Lackey:
Maybe because "Earth 2" sucked big time?

(Krugan swings his sword and cuts off that Lackey's head.)

Krugan (shrugging):
You could be right...

(Camera suddenly swooshes into Krugan's face, indicating he's sensing
another Immortal nearby).

Ahhh, by the pricking of my thumb, something cute, petite and reddish

(Kiel has got Mulder by the throat.  Mulder is flailing his arms,
wondering why he didn't do more upper body workouts.  Scully succeeds in
dispatching about twelve more bad guys before focusing on Kiel.)

Just what do you think you're doing?

Well, I figured if that wimpy lead singer from Fine Young Cannibals can
play a bad guy, then I could show up and...

Scully (holding sword toward them):
Forget it, Kiel.  Your time's gone.  Nobody even realized that was you in
`Pale Rider.'  Just...just, shoo.  Go away.

Kiel (dropping Mulder to the ground):
Well, I...I, gee...<sniff> <sniff> when you put it that way...well, gee...

(Kiel walks away in tears.  Mulder coughs and rubs his throat.)

That wasn't necessary, telling him off like that.

Scully (putting the sword back under her trenchcoat):
Well, it was the truth.

No it wasn't.

Yes it was.

No it wasn't.

Scully (pulling the sword back out):
YES it was!

Mulder (thinking it over):
Y'know, arguing with you isn't as much fun anymore.

(Krugan and the Lackeys are all waiting, facing the door for Scully to

Now remember, her head is mine!

Lackey Number Two:
But what about the rest of her?

(Krugan whacks the head off Lackey Number Two.)

That...was rude.

(Door opens and Mulder walks in.)

Oh, hi guys.  She'll be along in a minute.  In the meantime, you're
supposed to chase me around and try to beat me senseless.

Lackey Number Three:
That's what happened to you the last three episodes.

Mulder (Shrugging):
Okay, so I've got a great stunt double.

(Mulder starts running around the room, but nobody chases him.)

Lackey Number Four:
Gee, I dunno, it's not right to waste time on an unnecessary chase sequence.

Lackey Number Three:
Yeah, I know.  If we were driving cars or something it would make sense,
but this...

Krugan (Getting impatient):
Will you just do it?!  Jeez, I coulda gotten better lackeys from the
`Batman Forever' movie...

(Lackeys shrug their shoulders and half-heartedly chase after Mulder.  A
few minutes later, Scully walks in, sword ready.)

Ahh.  At last.  There Can Be Only One.

The Truth Is Out There.

(They sword fight.  The battle moves across the room.  Meanwhile, Mulder
suddenly breaks out into a dance routine, which catches the lackeys by
surprise.  Mulder uses the moment to pull some curtains from a nearby
window on top of the lackeys.)

Lackey Number Four:
Oh dear.  Caught again.

Lackey Number Three:
He was much too clever for us, by Jove.

(Scully and Krugan are still fighting.  Even though Krugan is slowly
winning, Scully is still smiling.)

Why are you smiling?

Scully (Suddenly knocking his sword from him):
Because I know my show is still on the air, you idiot.

(Scully swings, cuts his head off.  Lights go out, lightning surges
across the room, furniture explode into flame, lions lie down with some
lambs, Mike Milken ends up back in jail, Florida wins its game against
Nebraska, Tampa Bay Bucs make the playoffs and all is made right in the
world .)


(Connor McCloud of the clan McCloud strolls into the room.)

Hey!  I was supposed to kill Krugan, not you.

Look, if they can screw around with continuity in those godawful movie
sequels you did, then I can change the storyline so that I get the Prize.

(Scully swings her sword.  McCloud loses his head.  Some more special FX
occurs.  Mulder walks in as the energy subsides.)

Okay, can we go back to hunting aliens now?

Aliens?  There's no such things as aliens.


(Scully raises her sword.)

Mulder (realizing who's in charge now.):
Oh, you're right.  I should try to be more skeptical from now on, O
beautiful and intelligent federal agent person.

Scully (Smiling):
It's great when I win an argument, you know.

(Mulder rolls his eyes.  They leave the room.)


Okay.  X-Files and X-Files characters are owned by Chris Carter & Co.
Highlander characters are based on work by Gregory Widen (did I get his
name right?).  Richard Kiel needed the work.

And of course, I realize absolutely everybody who were X-Files/Highlander
fans came up with their own stories about how Scully was an Immortal
after that throwaway line in Clyde Bruckman was uttered.  But this one IS
MINE!  MINE DO YOU HEAR ME!?!?  Bhwa-ha-ha-ha!  (Um, unless somebody sues
me, in which case Sheryl Martin or Peggy Li gets the credit.)


  1. Not sure my comments are going through! So happy to find this. Wasn’t it weird to see xFiles back? Glad you took the time to revive these gems. Hope you are well! Xoxo

  2. Peggy Li, that's a name I haven't heard in a long time... a long time...

  3. Hi Paul! How are you? What’s up? Are there good fic sites I should check out, is the fandom still kicking? Thx!

  4. Peggy, Hi.
    I really lost track of doing this, distracted by a ton of other things in Real Life. Work at the library has gone crazy for me, I am a temporary library director until they hire a new one :(
    I am also a finalist for a Royal Palm Literary Award for the Florida Writers Association, so yay!