Thursday, May 7, 2015

The X-Files: Agua Mala 'Shipper Survey

We're skipping around a bit because of real-world issues - and lack of focus - to where I'm not about to get new surveys written for Season One.  Need to find time to work on them (hoping to get around to doing "Ice" next).

In the meanwhile, here's me placating you lot with a personal favorite for several reasons.  One: it was cheap and easy to put together, and Two: it involves the show openly mocking my home state of Florida on a regular basis.

True story: the episode did broadcast just as a tropical storm was rolling in while I lived in South Florida, so I had every reason to break the Fourth Wall to bring this survey of blood-chilling terror to you.

That said, here goes:


1) The episode begins on a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang...oh, wait. That's been done. A mother and her son are working to board up the windows and stop up the drainage, but not because of an incoming hurricane. As they get caught in the grip of a fiendish thingee, you:

A) Worry that St. Scully is going to have to deal with a hentai monster right out of some ultra-graphic anime cartoon

B) Wonder why there's showing a hurricane episode in the middle of February...hurricane season is between June and November

C) Picture Dana and Fox trapped by themselves in a hurricane shelter, huddled together as the wind and rain pound the building while they whisper before a poorly-lit lamp...deep romantic sigh...

2) The hurricane still wreaks its havoc upon the Sunshine State. An elderly figure listens to the reports on his radio, checking in on the missing family and sneering at the dim local constabulary unable to figure out what had happened. There's a knock at the door, where he opens it to find a pair of wet FBI agents, one of whom asks Arthur Dales (Darren McGavin) if they can step inside. You answer:

A) "Great! Scully has to deal with another wiseass this episode! Sheesh!"

B) "What? Him again? Oh, like he was a bucket of fun the last time around!"

C) "Oh no! He's going to embarrass Fox about that wedding ring he saw in 'Travelers', and poor Dana is going to have a conniptic fit!"

3) Dales wants to know who Mulder's partner is. DALES: "Did you tell her what I told you?"

MULDER: "Yes, but she's... she's not the type that's easily persuaded." SCULLY: "What he means is I don't hear a story about a sea monster and automatically assume it's the Lord's gospel truth." This means:

A) That the gospel truth Scully refers to is the Scullyist Bible as preached by the OBSSE sisterhood...especially take note of Sister Emily's Book of Sea Monsters, in which the OBSSE explains away the existence of Big Blue, Nessie, and the captain of the Exxon Valdez

B) That Mulder more than likely told Scully they were coming down to Florida to get their revenge on the relatives of the alligator that ate Queequeg

C) That what Fox means by "not easily persuaded" is that Dana thinks he's kidding when he tells her he loves her...damn it all...(weep)

4) Dales tells them of the Shipleys' plight, that Mrs. Shipley saw her husband attacked by tentacles in their bathroom and that he fears the worst for her and their son. The agents shrug and head back out into the storm to check it out. Dales warns Scully not to sneer at the mysteries of the deep... "The bottom of the ocean is as deep and dark as the imagination." Your imagination:

A) Has the Blessed One solving not only this X-File but also stopping the diabolical conspiracy, defeating the aliens (even though she doesn't believe in them), and moving back to San Diego so she can make a flirtatious nuisance of herself with that detective, whasisname, Kersage? Yeah, that's it...

B) Has Mulder and Scully traveling into the past a long time ago, to a galaxy far far away, where they learn the ways of the Force and become Jedis like their fathers before them...hmm, or did somebody already write that fanfic?

C) Has Dana and Fox performing wild passionate sex and getting married and...well, duh! This IS the choice answer for 'Shippers, you know!...

5) Mulder and Scully make it to the Shipleys, where they find all the doors and windows boarded up from the inside, as though they were keeping something other than the storm outside. Mulder spots a pile of goo on the washing machine pipes and just like always sticks his fingers into it. They get a scare when the washing machine lid pops up, and when you see the cat stick his head out you take the moment to:

A) Scowl, "Dammit, Mulder, you need the rubber gloves more than Scully does! And I hope that's not the finger you pick your nose with, either!" (grumble)

B) Screech, "Oh GOD NO! KILLER KITTIES! Oh, wait, Shiban didn't write this one...but this Amman guy should know better than to go there!" (grumble)

C) Weep, "Will these two ever get to Key West for their honeymoon before the hurricane washes it all into the sea? Noooooo..." (wail)

6) Mulder and Scully work to open the bathroom door, forced to hold their mini-flashlights in their mouths. Sadly, a local deputy takes this moment to make a nuisance of himself, figuring the dynamic duo for looters. MULDER: We're FBI. DEPUTY: Don't all the nuts roll downhill to Florida...For all I know, you could be part of the Manson family. You retort:

A) "Mulder? Part of the Manson family? Oh, well, that explains EVERYTHING!!!"

B) "Nuts? Florida? You should know, Deputy Dawg, you live here!!!"

C) "Hey! All that talk on the newsgroups about flashlights being a Freudian slip just might be on the mark...well, one way or a mother..."

7) The cat fortuitously distracts the deputy so Mulder can grab the gun and Scully can flash her badge. The deputy worries if Mulder's going to shoot him. When Mulder says he's tempted, you reply:

A) "Dammit, Mulder! You know full well you'll only miss again, even at this range! Save the bullet so Scully can use it later!"

B) "Yes! Strike him down, and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete!" (maniacal laughter)

C) "Fox! Just send him back out into the storm so you and Dana can play with the flashlights some more!" (writer gets trout-slapped by the morality police)

8) Scully waits in the car while Mulder checks the bathroom. He returns with goo and rumors of goo, but no conclusive evidence. They debate the rationality of monster-hunting. You know:

A) Scully just wants to go somewhere where's the weather is calm, the sky is blue, and the surf isn't higher than most skyscrapers...those 50-foot waves can really ruin her day at the beach...

B) Mulder just wants to catch this thing so he can write another report for Omni magazine...what do you mean, it's out of print?! This...this is the Conspiracy's fault!!!

C) This is how they flirt! (deep romantic sigh)

9) Mulder and Scully try to leave the island, but it's too late: the bridges are out and the deputies think all the nuts roll down to Florida (Writer: dammit, why can't we build a gutter so those nuts roll to Texas? mutter grumble... ). Meanwhile, Deputy Dawg has arrived at a condo to check for remaining victims, uh, occupants. He checks an open door, and sees someone, or what's left of someone, going to the bathroom. When the tentacle strikes, you:

A) Decide that from now on, you'll do it standing up...and to hell with anatomy!

B) Flinch in horror as you realize that nobody has to go THAT badly!

C) Realize this isn't the best place for Fox and Dana to go for their honeymoon...maybe they should try Newark and their safe sewer system...

10) Our intrepid heroes try to navigate through the storm, but they're not having much fun. Mulder tries to make light of it, saying they'll look back on this and laugh, viewing the experience as a way of testing their mettle. "I don't need my mettle tested," retorts Scully, and you react:

A) With a roof-raising cheer! Battle on, St. Scully! And when a trout flies by, you just reach out and grab it and use it upside the Punk's thick head!

B) With a sad shake of the head. We all must face the power and majesty of the universal forces that are aligned against us, for which we have but one defense...laughter. (Writer: I think Twain was the one who thought of that. Anyone else confirm or deny?)

C) With a sizeable amount of teeth-gnashing and wailing. They aren't using this time for any serious amount of hand-holding!!!

11) Mulder and Scully reach the same condo. They check out the rooms, finding the deputy frozen in a form of toxic shock, stinger marks all across his neck. As the deputy has a hard time breathing, Scully performs field surgery and makes a tracheotomy to fit a tube in the throat. While Mulder flinches his way through this and makes note of the mess left in the bathroom, you:

A) Nod in acceptance toward the medical knowledge of the Blessed One, who will now use her knowledge to become a spokesperson for the Ab Roller...

B) Worry that Mulder is sticking his fingers into all this goo without realizing what it is he's touching...eew, stop it! You're grossing us out! I hope you don't eat with that hand!...

C) Wonder if Fox was looking for any pamphlets or floor plans for this know, as a nice place to retire with the missus after raising them hybrid kids in Montana and all...

12) Mulder goes to round up the remaining occupants of the condo: a looter and a Hispanic couple, wife way too pregnant and not exactly a shiny happy person anyway. You consider the situation and determine:

A) Uh-uh. Pregnant woman. And the looter probably has asthma. And the Hispanic husband's going to suffer a heart attack. Poor Saint, she's going to earn her paycheck this week the hard way!

B) All they need now is a retired Army sergeant with a limp, a young teenage couple looking to get married after college, a hip middle-aged black guy played by John Amos or Isaac Hayes, and an army of blonde zombies banging at the windows shouting "Bee husbandry" and we'll be set for life, Frankie!

C) That if only they had a Catholic priest handy, then we could get a quicky wedding done right here! (deep sigh)

13) Mulder tries to get the last occupant, a survivalist named George Vincent who's more paranoid than Spooky is. After trying to reason with the psycho, Mulder finally mutters, "All the nuts roll downhill to Florida." You retort:

A) see B)

B) see C)

C) "Hey! I resemble that remark! What bothers me is this episode's assertion that the Sunshine State is swarmed with sea monsters! That's an urban legend! Don't believe the hype!"

14) The gun nut rants to himself as tentacles start working their way into his overhead lights. Mulder and Scully's arguments over getting the wounded deputy out is interrupted as gunfire erupts. As Mulder bangs on the door, you:

A) Wonder why Scully needs to move the deputy anywhere, she should have the medical wherewithal to...hey, what's that squishy noise coming from the bath...oh My GOD! Aaaaaa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...


















C) Back back back! Down down down! Go go go! Die, you mutant Seafood from Hell! Die, die die!!!!!!! (pant) (gasp) Damn, I thought I sprayed for those damn sea monsters last month!...

19) The storm is over. The sky is clear. Scully stands outside Dales' trailer confirming something over her phone. Mulder is inside, grinning as he shows off his scars to Dales. Scully enters to confirm the name of the healthy baby she delivered during the crisis. Dales congratulates her for bringing in new life as she defeated the monster and saved Mulder. Mulder tries to argue he figured out when he was attacked that the cat was safe because it stayed wet in fresh water, not the salt water that the creature relied on. Nonetheless, Dales is convinced that Scully is an ideal partner for Mulder, and that if he had one like her in his day, he might not have retired so early and embittered. You take this all in and realize:

A) That Dales is right. Scully IS the reason the Punk's still alive! And you should be grateful for it, you would-be fish food!

B) That Dales is just trying to worm his way back into the FBI, posing as a "mentor" for these two while he secretly plots to steal all their pencils! Stop him, guys!

C) That Dales is hinting very strongly that Dana and Fox were meant for each other! (note: 'Shipper On Deck) Yes!!! So will you two stop trying to hide your feelings with the flirtatious arguing and secretive hand-holding? If you're worried about the rules on fraternization, we'll look the other way! Honest! (deep satisfying sigh)

20) Dales offers a congratulatory drink. He looks about for some alcohol, and then offers water. "NO!" shout Mulder and Scully with one voice, letting you conclude with this thought:

A) Are we going to see the Blessed One hold her liquor while drinking these two under the table?

B) Does this mean every monster of the week can be dissolved in water? That's going to ruin a lot of story ideas, don't you think?

C) Ah, if only they would say "YES" with the same fervor...especially before family members, maids of honor, best men, and an Elvis Impersonator/Holy Man...(deep Elvis sigh)

If you more often than not answered:

A) B) or C) what's the difference? You're a nut. Think about it. You're not only a fan of a crazed conspiracy show that's more than 20 years old, you're obsessed enough to hunt down obscure 'Shipper surveys online just to re-live the drama of UST!  So... C'mon down to sunny Florida, where the weather's nice, the people are real friendly, and the sea monsters AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa... 

No comments:

Post a Comment