Just this one clip alone makes me wanna hunt down the DVD set at the library and... whadda ya mean Polk County Library Catalog doesn't show a copy?! Sigh... gonna hafta speak to Acquisitions about this.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Off-Topic: We're Not the Only Ones to 'Ship Dana and Fox
I dunno how this stayed hidden from me.
This is from a television sitcom Suburgatory - sort of a cross between Mean Girls, Community, and WWE - which only lasted a few seasons.
Just this one clip alone makes me wanna hunt down the DVD set at the library and... whadda ya mean Polk County Library Catalog doesn't show a copy?! Sigh... gonna hafta speak to Acquisitions about this.
Just this one clip alone makes me wanna hunt down the DVD set at the library and... whadda ya mean Polk County Library Catalog doesn't show a copy?! Sigh... gonna hafta speak to Acquisitions about this.
Monday, July 20, 2015
X-Files: Beyond the Sea 'Shipper Survey
As threatened, here's a Season One survey of a classic X-Files, and the first one to play with the Skeptic/Believe dynamic between Mulder and Scully: Beyond the Sea!
This is also a notable episode in that a couple of veteran actors from David Lynch productions - Don Davis and Brad Dourif - happen to show up. Due to the production in Northwest US/Vancouver, a good number of alumni from Twin Peaks showed up in the first few seasons of the X-Files. That Duchovny showed up in Season Two of Twin Peaks as a recurring character allowed for a lot of early crossover fanfic between the two shows to take place those early years.
Just to note: as the X-Files are returning, so too is Twin Peaks! Although the details are still a bit murky, the news of Lynch returning to its production can be a good sign.
That said: here's the newly written survey of a Season One episode I just only got around to writing today!
Senseless 'Shipper Survey - Beyond the Sea
1) The episode opens with Scully entertaining two people in her apartment. One of them is, in fact, a refugee from this small Washington state town of Twin Peaks! It's Don Davis, kids! (applause) As Scully salutes the Navy officer as her father, you realize:
A) Scully was a Navy brat? Small world, my dad was Navy too! How many curse words did you learn, Scully?
B) That with this episode getting rehashed due to the X-Files coming back, and because Twin Peaks is coming back, that you all are gonna get a sh-t ton of Lynchian cultural references!
C) This means Dana can arrange a marriage at sea with Fox!
2) Later that cold open, Scully wakes up in her recliner noticing that Don Davis is still in the apartment sitting across from her. He's talking, slowly and with purpose, but there are no words, no voice. The Christmas lights festooning the apartment are blinking in an unusual order. A bottle of beer topples from the counter. The phone rings. This means:
A) The owls are not what they seem.
B) What bottle of beer was that? Heineken!? F-ck That Sh-t! Pabst! Blue! Ribbon!
C) Dana's already figured out who killed Laura Palmer, and she just needs to trust Fox enough to tell him.
3) It turns out Scully's father suffered a heart attack and died during the time she had a vision of him silently trying to tell her something. She's left comforting her mother during the funeral, a burial at sea involving her father's ashes while the song "Beyond the Sea" plays in memoriam. You:
A) Cry for Scully, for she is Highlander and she will not cry so you will cry for her.
B) Try to ignore the dancing cowboy in the distance, because that's not really helping sell this scene Mr. Lynch.
C) Have something in your eye, just hold on... oh the screen's just a little fuzzy right now that's all... sniff... waaaaaaaaaaahh...
4) Oh, by the way, this is the X-Files, so there's a mystery to solve in the form of a kidnapped couple who may be the next victims of a serial killer. The profile points to someone reliving a traumatic childhood accident, and there's a period of time where he tortures the victims before completing the ritual kill. The twist in this case is that a convicted killer on Death Row, someone Mulder just happened to have captured as a Profiler, is claiming to have visions of the kidnapping and is asking for leniency. For once, Mulder isn't buying the psychic vision element. That tells you:
A) That Scully's Skepticism isn't even going to be needed this episode. Hell, why even visit the guy? Let's go find us some clues, jinkies!
B) That Mulder's not going to use the Tibetan Method of throwing baseballs at bottles to determine the spiritual connection of a suspect to the case.
C) That Fox is ignoring how important it would be to Dana to give her a hug after the personal loss she's had. Sniff...
5) The serial killer is interviewed on death row in North Carolina. Look kids! It turns out that Luther Lee Boggs is played by Brad Dourif! (Applause) That means:
A) Our quota of actors with creepy eyebrows has been met this season! Good job to the casting agents!
B) It is by will alone I set my mind in motion...
C) Well, there's not a really 'Shipper moment to be said about this. I *think* Dourif's played romantic figures in a few movies, maybe Billy in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, was that him in Ragtime maybe? That's about it. He's been typecast as unhinged guys so often it's kinda sad...
6) Mulder tricks Boggs into giving up a clue about the victims' whereabouts by using a piece of cloth from his own basketball jersey. Convinced Boggs is faking his psychic power, Mulder leaves the prison cell in a huff. As Scully follows him out, she suddenly notices Boggs is appearing to her as her father, and Don Davis leans over and says "Did you get my message, Starbuck?" You:
A) Scream "AAAAHHHH! OH NO SCULLY'S GONNA BE THE BELIEVER THIS EPISODE! NO FAIR"...
B) Wonder if Dirk Benedict and Katee Sackhoff are gonna sue Gillian for taking their BSG name?
C) Scream "AAAAHHHH! DANA'S REALLY GOING TO NEED A HUG NOW, FOX!"
7) Another attempt to scam Boggs - this time using a fake news clipping about the victims - doesn't get the expected response, but Boggs gives cryptic clues about the location where the serial killer is set to kill the first of the two. Later, Scully is driving around getting lost in Vancouver, uh North Carolina when she spies a statue that fits Boggs' clues. Calling in Mulder and a SWAT team, you're convinced:
A) Scully is just certain this is the place because of her innate rational skills of deduction! Yeah, that's our excuse and we're sticking to it...
B) That flashing neon sign "This Is It" had something to do with it.
C) That we're going to get a rescue mission that will involve trust issues and at least three hand holds!
8) The FBI team is able to rescue one of the kidnap victims before she can be killed, but the serial killer escapes by shooting Mulder, forcing Scully to stay and cradle him to stop his bleeding. You:
A) Really think that SWAT!Scully needs a fight cry. "BATTLE ON!" Yeah, that'll work! :)
B) Worry about the sudden flashback sequence that has Scully imagining herself talking to this elderly couple hiding in a blue box...
C) Are happy that Dana is comforting a Hurt!Fox, but this whole getting-shot-to-create-an-intimate-moment thing better not turn into a common occurance after Season One, okay? OKAY?!
9) An angry Scully goes charging into Boggs' cell: "You set us up! You’re in on this with Lucas Henry. This was a trap for Mulder because he helped put you away. Well, I came here to tell you that if he dies because of what you’ve done, four days from now, no one will be able to stop me from being the one that will throw the switch and gas you out of this life for good, you son of a bitch!" You:
A) Cheer.
B) Cheer.
C) Shout "DANA LOVES FOX!" then cheer.
Note: this must be YouTubed:
10) Boggs morphs into Mulder: "Dana... you're the one who believed me."
A) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
B) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
C) Damn NoRomos!
11) Boggs tries to explain to Scully what happened to him: that his experience on Death Row, going through the first run of an earlier execution attempt had exposed him to the dozens of souls now haunting him. He truly fears now the fate the afterlife has stored for him, and while he accepts that he will die for his crimes he wants some atonement in this world to lessen his coming doom in the next. You take this in and shout back at the screen:
A) "Look not to St. Scully for your absolution, you fiend! Prepare the fresh trout, so that Boggs may be slapped first for his sins!"
B) "It would be better for you to die... in the innards of a Worm! Activate the thumpers! Watch for Wormsign!"
C) "Get back to the hospital and give Fox another hand hold, Dana!"
12) Boggs gives Scully one more clue, and tries to convince her to show up at his scheduled execution in four days by claiming he can pass on her father's last message to her. He also warns her to avoid "the devil". Scully takes the clue and figures out where the killer will attempt to kill the young man he still holds. You figure out:
A) Scully will this time bring enough SWAT guys to cover all exits, destroy all hiding places, and serve some Scullyritas!
B) That the dancing midget singing backwards in the other jail cell would have better cryptic clues! Go ask him!
C) Dana's gonna make it up to Fox by solving this case so they can get on with the post-recovery comfort treatment!
13) The second raid is more successful. Scully chases after the serial killer, who goes running through the abandoned brewery. He hurries into the production area, crossing over on an overhang ramp, and Scully stars to follow but stops herself when she sees the beer company's logo was a devil's face. As the serial killer breaks through weak boards and falls to his death, you note:
A) SWAT!Scully needs to be a thing more often! Work on it, Chris!
B) Told you that beer is for sh-t! PABST! BLUE! RIBBON!
C) Hey, is this gonna be an episode where only the bad guys die?! Good news, that means we won't feel guilty when Dana and Fox have celebratorysex uh hand-holding!
14) It's time for Boggs to face his justice. The souls of his victims silently watch him, and he stares back with genuine fear in his eyes. As he gets strapped down to the chair for the gas chamber, he looks through the witness window to see if Scully would appear so he could deliver her father's message. When he sees... just the priest and the executioner, you realize:
A) Scully didn't buy his bullsh-t story after all! YAY!
B) Boggs' only way out now is to transform into a completely different person, like how that guy who played the President in Independence Day morphed into uh that other guy in prison, so they had to let him go and end up working for Frank Booth's second cousin Dick Laurent!
C) Dana is probably off giving Fox a comfort hug during his recuperation!
15) Scully is at Mulder's bedside, trying to come up with logical explanations about how Boggs' knew her personal details, and how he played on her father's recent death. Mulder, still recovering from the wound, tries to comfort her but asks why she didn't take the next step and get enough evidence to finally Believe. Scully answers, "I'm afraid, I'm afraid to Believe." As the episode ends you reply back:
A) "It's not that you're afraid, Scully, it's that you are contractually obligated to be the Skeptic character for at least five seasons and a movie!"
B) "THE SLEEPER HAS AWAKE... oh, wait, no she hasn't. Never mind. Back to the spice mines, everybody! Nothing to see here..."
C) "EVERYBODY HUG EVERYBODY ELSE RIGHT NOW! WE NEED COMFORT HUGS!"
If you more often than not answered:
A) You're a Scully acolyte bothered by the dynamic shift of Believer/Skeptic this episode and hopes it doesn't happen again.
B) You're a fan of David Lynch movies and television shows who understands exactly what happened in Lost Highway. Yup. Absolutely. Every last frame. Just take my word for it.
C) You're a 'Shipper who saw enough Comforting and Emotional exposure this episode to make you wish for more! MORE! MORE HUGS! MORE HAND HOLDS! MORE BEDSIDE CONVERSATIONS ABOUT BELIEF AND TRUST AND...
What do you think, sirs?
This is also a notable episode in that a couple of veteran actors from David Lynch productions - Don Davis and Brad Dourif - happen to show up. Due to the production in Northwest US/Vancouver, a good number of alumni from Twin Peaks showed up in the first few seasons of the X-Files. That Duchovny showed up in Season Two of Twin Peaks as a recurring character allowed for a lot of early crossover fanfic between the two shows to take place those early years.
Just to note: as the X-Files are returning, so too is Twin Peaks! Although the details are still a bit murky, the news of Lynch returning to its production can be a good sign.
That said: here's the newly written survey of a Season One episode I just only got around to writing today!
Senseless 'Shipper Survey - Beyond the Sea
1) The episode opens with Scully entertaining two people in her apartment. One of them is, in fact, a refugee from this small Washington state town of Twin Peaks! It's Don Davis, kids! (applause) As Scully salutes the Navy officer as her father, you realize:
A) Scully was a Navy brat? Small world, my dad was Navy too! How many curse words did you learn, Scully?
B) That with this episode getting rehashed due to the X-Files coming back, and because Twin Peaks is coming back, that you all are gonna get a sh-t ton of Lynchian cultural references!
C) This means Dana can arrange a marriage at sea with Fox!
2) Later that cold open, Scully wakes up in her recliner noticing that Don Davis is still in the apartment sitting across from her. He's talking, slowly and with purpose, but there are no words, no voice. The Christmas lights festooning the apartment are blinking in an unusual order. A bottle of beer topples from the counter. The phone rings. This means:
A) The owls are not what they seem.
B) What bottle of beer was that? Heineken!? F-ck That Sh-t! Pabst! Blue! Ribbon!
C) Dana's already figured out who killed Laura Palmer, and she just needs to trust Fox enough to tell him.
3) It turns out Scully's father suffered a heart attack and died during the time she had a vision of him silently trying to tell her something. She's left comforting her mother during the funeral, a burial at sea involving her father's ashes while the song "Beyond the Sea" plays in memoriam. You:
A) Cry for Scully, for she is Highlander and she will not cry so you will cry for her.
B) Try to ignore the dancing cowboy in the distance, because that's not really helping sell this scene Mr. Lynch.
C) Have something in your eye, just hold on... oh the screen's just a little fuzzy right now that's all... sniff... waaaaaaaaaaahh...
4) Oh, by the way, this is the X-Files, so there's a mystery to solve in the form of a kidnapped couple who may be the next victims of a serial killer. The profile points to someone reliving a traumatic childhood accident, and there's a period of time where he tortures the victims before completing the ritual kill. The twist in this case is that a convicted killer on Death Row, someone Mulder just happened to have captured as a Profiler, is claiming to have visions of the kidnapping and is asking for leniency. For once, Mulder isn't buying the psychic vision element. That tells you:
A) That Scully's Skepticism isn't even going to be needed this episode. Hell, why even visit the guy? Let's go find us some clues, jinkies!
B) That Mulder's not going to use the Tibetan Method of throwing baseballs at bottles to determine the spiritual connection of a suspect to the case.
C) That Fox is ignoring how important it would be to Dana to give her a hug after the personal loss she's had. Sniff...
5) The serial killer is interviewed on death row in North Carolina. Look kids! It turns out that Luther Lee Boggs is played by Brad Dourif! (Applause) That means:
A) Our quota of actors with creepy eyebrows has been met this season! Good job to the casting agents!
B) It is by will alone I set my mind in motion...
C) Well, there's not a really 'Shipper moment to be said about this. I *think* Dourif's played romantic figures in a few movies, maybe Billy in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, was that him in Ragtime maybe? That's about it. He's been typecast as unhinged guys so often it's kinda sad...
 |
| This is actually one of the saner characters Dourif ever played... |
6) Mulder tricks Boggs into giving up a clue about the victims' whereabouts by using a piece of cloth from his own basketball jersey. Convinced Boggs is faking his psychic power, Mulder leaves the prison cell in a huff. As Scully follows him out, she suddenly notices Boggs is appearing to her as her father, and Don Davis leans over and says "Did you get my message, Starbuck?" You:
A) Scream "AAAAHHHH! OH NO SCULLY'S GONNA BE THE BELIEVER THIS EPISODE! NO FAIR"...
B) Wonder if Dirk Benedict and Katee Sackhoff are gonna sue Gillian for taking their BSG name?
C) Scream "AAAAHHHH! DANA'S REALLY GOING TO NEED A HUG NOW, FOX!"
 |
| every argument is hereby invalid |
7) Another attempt to scam Boggs - this time using a fake news clipping about the victims - doesn't get the expected response, but Boggs gives cryptic clues about the location where the serial killer is set to kill the first of the two. Later, Scully is driving around getting lost in Vancouver, uh North Carolina when she spies a statue that fits Boggs' clues. Calling in Mulder and a SWAT team, you're convinced:
A) Scully is just certain this is the place because of her innate rational skills of deduction! Yeah, that's our excuse and we're sticking to it...
B) That flashing neon sign "This Is It" had something to do with it.
C) That we're going to get a rescue mission that will involve trust issues and at least three hand holds!
8) The FBI team is able to rescue one of the kidnap victims before she can be killed, but the serial killer escapes by shooting Mulder, forcing Scully to stay and cradle him to stop his bleeding. You:
A) Really think that SWAT!Scully needs a fight cry. "BATTLE ON!" Yeah, that'll work! :)
B) Worry about the sudden flashback sequence that has Scully imagining herself talking to this elderly couple hiding in a blue box...
C) Are happy that Dana is comforting a Hurt!Fox, but this whole getting-shot-to-create-an-intimate-moment thing better not turn into a common occurance after Season One, okay? OKAY?!
9) An angry Scully goes charging into Boggs' cell: "You set us up! You’re in on this with Lucas Henry. This was a trap for Mulder because he helped put you away. Well, I came here to tell you that if he dies because of what you’ve done, four days from now, no one will be able to stop me from being the one that will throw the switch and gas you out of this life for good, you son of a bitch!" You:
A) Cheer.
B) Cheer.
C) Shout "DANA LOVES FOX!" then cheer.
Note: this must be YouTubed:
10) Boggs morphs into Mulder: "Dana... you're the one who believed me."
A) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
B) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
C) Damn NoRomos!
11) Boggs tries to explain to Scully what happened to him: that his experience on Death Row, going through the first run of an earlier execution attempt had exposed him to the dozens of souls now haunting him. He truly fears now the fate the afterlife has stored for him, and while he accepts that he will die for his crimes he wants some atonement in this world to lessen his coming doom in the next. You take this in and shout back at the screen:
A) "Look not to St. Scully for your absolution, you fiend! Prepare the fresh trout, so that Boggs may be slapped first for his sins!"
B) "It would be better for you to die... in the innards of a Worm! Activate the thumpers! Watch for Wormsign!"
C) "Get back to the hospital and give Fox another hand hold, Dana!"
12) Boggs gives Scully one more clue, and tries to convince her to show up at his scheduled execution in four days by claiming he can pass on her father's last message to her. He also warns her to avoid "the devil". Scully takes the clue and figures out where the killer will attempt to kill the young man he still holds. You figure out:
A) Scully will this time bring enough SWAT guys to cover all exits, destroy all hiding places, and serve some Scullyritas!
B) That the dancing midget singing backwards in the other jail cell would have better cryptic clues! Go ask him!
C) Dana's gonna make it up to Fox by solving this case so they can get on with the post-recovery comfort treatment!
13) The second raid is more successful. Scully chases after the serial killer, who goes running through the abandoned brewery. He hurries into the production area, crossing over on an overhang ramp, and Scully stars to follow but stops herself when she sees the beer company's logo was a devil's face. As the serial killer breaks through weak boards and falls to his death, you note:
A) SWAT!Scully needs to be a thing more often! Work on it, Chris!
B) Told you that beer is for sh-t! PABST! BLUE! RIBBON!
C) Hey, is this gonna be an episode where only the bad guys die?! Good news, that means we won't feel guilty when Dana and Fox have celebratory
14) It's time for Boggs to face his justice. The souls of his victims silently watch him, and he stares back with genuine fear in his eyes. As he gets strapped down to the chair for the gas chamber, he looks through the witness window to see if Scully would appear so he could deliver her father's message. When he sees... just the priest and the executioner, you realize:
A) Scully didn't buy his bullsh-t story after all! YAY!
B) Boggs' only way out now is to transform into a completely different person, like how that guy who played the President in Independence Day morphed into uh that other guy in prison, so they had to let him go and end up working for Frank Booth's second cousin Dick Laurent!
C) Dana is probably off giving Fox a comfort hug during his recuperation!
15) Scully is at Mulder's bedside, trying to come up with logical explanations about how Boggs' knew her personal details, and how he played on her father's recent death. Mulder, still recovering from the wound, tries to comfort her but asks why she didn't take the next step and get enough evidence to finally Believe. Scully answers, "I'm afraid, I'm afraid to Believe." As the episode ends you reply back:
A) "It's not that you're afraid, Scully, it's that you are contractually obligated to be the Skeptic character for at least five seasons and a movie!"
B) "THE SLEEPER HAS AWAKE... oh, wait, no she hasn't. Never mind. Back to the spice mines, everybody! Nothing to see here..."
C) "EVERYBODY HUG EVERYBODY ELSE RIGHT NOW! WE NEED COMFORT HUGS!"
If you more often than not answered:
A) You're a Scully acolyte bothered by the dynamic shift of Believer/Skeptic this episode and hopes it doesn't happen again.
B) You're a fan of David Lynch movies and television shows who understands exactly what happened in Lost Highway. Yup. Absolutely. Every last frame. Just take my word for it.
C) You're a 'Shipper who saw enough Comforting and Emotional exposure this episode to make you wish for more! MORE! MORE HUGS! MORE HAND HOLDS! MORE BEDSIDE CONVERSATIONS ABOUT BELIEF AND TRUST AND...
What do you think, sirs?
Monday, July 13, 2015
Weekly Poll 7/13/15: Which Season One Episode Should I 'Ship Next?
Okay, I'm a little swamped at the moment, but the need is paramount to get a newly-written Senseless 'Shipper Survey for Season One.
Problem is, which one should I do next?
I'm not prone to do a survey for an episode that's light on the 'Shipping between Fox and Dana, so getting one in that has 'Shipper potential is a priority over others. There is *one* episode that's 'Shiptastic (man, I'm running out of 'Ship words) in "Tooms", but I'm saving that for when it's scheduled to be promoted on the 201 Days of X-Files (about 14 episodes away, at least 2 weeks).
So, here I am, polling YOU all for "What Season One Episode Should I 'Ship Next?"
The top five possibilities are:
So, what's it to be, X-Philes? It's your call. I give you all three days to vote, gives me time to post the response by Friday. I shall leave the Comments field open or you can send up flares, broadcast your decision via telepathy, what have you. :)
Also, tomorrow is I HEART PLUTO DAY!
Update: all right. It will be Beyond the Sea... and never again I'll go sailin...
Problem is, which one should I do next?
I'm not prone to do a survey for an episode that's light on the 'Shipping between Fox and Dana, so getting one in that has 'Shipper potential is a priority over others. There is *one* episode that's 'Shiptastic (man, I'm running out of 'Ship words) in "Tooms", but I'm saving that for when it's scheduled to be promoted on the 201 Days of X-Files (about 14 episodes away, at least 2 weeks).
So, here I am, polling YOU all for "What Season One Episode Should I 'Ship Next?"
The top five possibilities are:
- Eve: advantages are it's well-known, a fan-favorite, a creepy plot, and it has Mulder being wrong about the cause right off the bat (which would appeal to the OBSSE crowd)
- Beyond The Sea: a huge fan-favorite, Scully-heavy, with a shift in the Believer-Skeptic dynamic
- EBE: a UFO-themed plot with Trust as a major topic, plus the introduction of the pervy Frohike
- Darkness Falls: scary monster-of-the-week plot, unsettling implications, and it's essentially a date in the woods gone wrong
- Erlenmeyer Flask: a season finale, wham episode with Rescue!Scully and Hurt!Mulder implications
So, what's it to be, X-Philes? It's your call. I give you all three days to vote, gives me time to post the response by Friday. I shall leave the Comments field open or you can send up flares, broadcast your decision via telepathy, what have you. :)
Also, tomorrow is I HEART PLUTO DAY!
Update: all right. It will be Beyond the Sea... and never again I'll go sailin...
Thursday, July 9, 2015
News: New Trailer, Binge-Watching 201
As part of promoting a binge-watch marathon, Fox released this trailer:
Which includes a brief NEW clip of Scully and Mulder stepping into a darkened room with their patented "Monster-Detecting Ultra-Bright" Flashlights.
The marathon itself does not seem to be on-air, but Fox is encouraging viewership so they're likely relying on people using their own DVD collection or access to Netflix to follow along each day's episode. This started on the 7th, so we're looking at episode "Squeeze" as today's episode.
Ooh, I think I got a 'Shipper survey for that...
The marathon itself does not seem to be on-air, but Fox is encouraging viewership so they're likely relying on people using their own DVD collection or access to Netflix to follow along each day's episode. This started on the 7th, so we're looking at episode "Squeeze" as today's episode.
Ooh, I think I got a 'Shipper survey for that...
Friday, July 3, 2015
X-Files: X-Cops 'Shipper Survey
So, with me off in the DC area for the 4th of July, I've tried looking for a 4th-themed X-Files episode, but I couldn't find one. So screw it, I'm going with one with a bit of snark and wit and hopefully people will laugh at the right jokes.
Oh, and I changed the final joke. I updated it up for 2015. Had to be done.
That said, from Season Seven I bring you:
Senseless 'Shipper Survey - X-Cops
Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Ya gonna watch some X-Files,
mon!...
NOTE: Senseless 'Shipper Surveys are written on location with the men and
women of fandom enforcement. All suspects are guilty until copyrighted in a
court of law. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. For example,
Sean Carroll is now Geri Halliwell. Gizzie is now Autumn. Autumn is now
Gillian Anderson. We hope all are satisfied.
1) We know it's Sunday night. 9 p.m. But instead of aliens and mutants,
we've got blurred images of crack whores and t-shirt-wearing rednecks. The
programming guys at FOX have screwed up again: they're showing COPS
instead of the X-Files. You:
A) Curse the Fates and switch your allegiance to Masterpiece Theater
B) Throw the t.v. out the window and hope it hits a network executive
C) Worry that Dana and Fox are going to get nailed for public indecency
2) We're riding with a rookie cop working the night shift in a slum of Los
Angeles. The cop, Wetzel, is talking about the insanity that comes with a full
moon at night. As he gets a call in about a lady screaming about a monster,
you note:
A) That Wetzel needs to stop off at a deli first to pick up a trout he can use to
slap some sense into that woman!
B) That O.J. has got to stop going around looking for the real killers while
wearing a Nixon mask!
C) That the One-Eyed One-Horned Flying Purple-People-Eater is looking at
Laura C. the wrong way...damn slashers!
3) Wetzel shows up at the address, scaring off a mewling kitty and finding a
terrified elderly Hispanic lady. Her door has large claw marks. We hear a
noise on the other side of the house, and the cop goes to investigate. He goes
off-camera, then suddenly comes running back screaming his head off, yelling
at the camera crew to make it back to the safety of the police car. Once inside,
Wetzel hurriedly calls for back-up just as someone or someTHING huge starts
slamming into the police car, knocking out windows and flipping the auto
twice. As the screen goes black and flashes the memorable opening credits of
the One True Show, you realize:
A) That the network executives would do anything for sweeps week...just as
long as they don't do anything embarrassing like try to marry off a stand-up
comedian posing as a millionaire...
B) That the Blair Witch has gone Hollywood! Well, you'd expect that after
her movie made over $100 million in domestic ticket sales...
C) That we ARE going to see Dana and Fox get caught for public indecency!
Woo-hoo!...
4) More cops arrive to the scene. Wetzel at first refuses to admit what
attacked the car, finally agreeing with the idea it was gangbangers who
overturned something that heavy. A call quickly comes in that suspects have
been spotted a few blocks away. Everybody goes running off to an alleyway
where they detain two people. The guy is tall, with mussed hair, somewhat
spooky in demeanor. The woman is petite, dressed fashionably if casually.
They claim to be FBI agents. When it turns out they are, indeed, Special
Agents Mulder and Scully, you determine:
A) That the Punk has once again dragged the Blessed Redhead into another
embarrassing mess. Well, Scully, at least you're not stuck in the sewers this
time...
B) That if COPS exists in the same alternate universe as the X-Files, then that
means COPS exists in the same universe as Homicide...which also exists in the
same universe as Law & Order. Do you think COPS could film an episode
with the law enforcement men and women of New Yawk's Finest?...
C) That if Fox was taking Dana to a nice Bed and Breakfast in California's
wine valley, he definitely took a wrong turn at Albuquerque...
5) Mulder and Scully are interested in the report of a monster prowling the
neighborhood. Then they notice there's a camera crew focusing on them. You
want their reaction to be:
A) "Holy (expletive deleted), Mulder, we're on film!"
B) "Oh no. Are we going to be on the FOX Network? <various expletives
deleted>"
C) "(Extremely graphic expletives of a sexual nature)" "Excuse me, Dana, try
whispering that in my ear next time..."
6) Mulder confronts Wetzel on what he saw in the alleyway. Mulder is
convinced it was a werewolf. Wetzel's boss, Sgt. Duthie, can't believe any of
it, even after Mulder points out the bite marks on Wetzel's arm. As Mulder
tells the poor rookie cop he's doomed to use fire hydrants to mark his territory
at night, Scully keeps hiding from the all-intrusive video camera. You take this
all in and conclude:
A) That the Blessed One is horrified she doesn't have on her formal outfits to
appear on television! Damn you, Punk, for tossing her suitcase out the car
window on the drive to L.A.! (trout-slap)
B) That Wetzel might be sent to the kennel, but Mulder's certainly being sent
to the nearest psychiatric facility!...
C) That Dana would like to stand close to Fox right now but she's worried
about incurring the wrath of a vengeful Bree Sharp!...
NOTE: regarding werewolves, the writer of this survey would have liked
seeing Seth Green make a cameo appearance so this can all tie into the Buffy
Show, but then again that's just me...
7) Sgt. Duthie: "With all due respect what the <bleep> are you talking about?"
Mulder: "I'm talking about preventing this man from becoming a danger to
himself and to others." Duthie: "Can I see your badge again?" You:
A) "Uh-oh. She's gonna find out the Punk's badge came from a box of
cracker jacks!"
B) "Why? Didn't you already get one as a gift from an X-Phile friend for your
birthday?"
C) "Uh-oh. You've got a shot of yourself wearing Speedos in the flap, don't
you, Fox..."
8) Scully calls Mulder over to one side to try and slap, uh, yeah okay slap some
sense into him. Scully: "Mulder, have you noticed that we're on television?"
Mulder: "I don't think it's live television, Scully. She just said (bleep)." You:
A) "Oh, okay. (Many varied and colorful expletives deleted covering
absolutely everything the Punk has done in the past seven years to embarrass
the Blessed One)"
B) "Bleep? What the (bleep) does Bleep mean? Smeg? Snerk? Gosh darn
golly gee?!?! SNUGGLEBUNNIES?!?!?!?!"
C) "I think Dana's trying to tell you that your relationship is out in the open
now, Fox. McGrath's oversight committee could be looking into those hotel
bills of yours again..."
9) Scully tries to point out that with the camera crew present (and constantly
stalking them, to make things worse), the FBI (and especially herself) could
well be embarrassed by Mulder's accusations of lycanthropy. Mulder
disagrees, thinking that this might be the best opportunity to prove to a
skeptical public some aspect of the paranormal. Mulder actually asks (politely,
I think) Scully to keep an eye on Wetzel. As Scully calls out as he walks away
that she's calling Skinner, you sit there:
A) Actually stunned the Punk asked nicely for once. (eyes widened) (jaw
dropped) (Bleep), you think the Skeptical Redhead needs to re-think her
position on camera crews...they seem to force Mulder to behave!...
B) Certain that Leonard Nimoy already proved the paranormal with his epic
"In Search Of"series...
C) Worried that the camera crew missed that shot of Dana and Fox holding
hands while they flirted, uh, bickered...
10) Scully pulls out her cell phone to call Skinner. The camera crew closes in
dramatically. Scully tells them to "give it a rest." They don't back off. Scully
puts her hand over the camera lens. Suddenly there's an edit, like as though
they don't want to show what happened next. You're certain:
A) Scully did things to that camera that would take weeks to repair and clean.
Battle on, Scully!
B) The editing crew weeks later removed scenes that would have provided
vital clues on the disappearances of three film students in the woods of
Maryland back in 1994!...
C) That the scene was edited out because it didn't provide anything that would
have delighted 'Shippers everywhere. We're still waiting for the prolonged
bee-free French kiss dammit!!!
11) Mulder and the police talk to the hysterical elderly woman about the "claw
monster" she saw. She's asked to work with the police sketch artist so they
can get a good idea what they're up against. Mulder examines the claw
scratches on the doorway, then shows Sgt. Duthie the earlier sketch drawing of
the werewolf that claimed a life last month. Mulder's convinced the elderly
woman saw the same thing. Finally, the sketch artist finishes, handing over a
drawing of...Freddy Kruger from the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. You:
A) Fall over on the floor laughing your (bleep) off!
B) Worry that Robert Eugland is a werewolf!
C) Sigh, grateful that this will end Fox's night of hunting and force him to go
back to the hotel with Dana and share a bubble bath with her!
12) Scully returns from the hospital with a relieved-looking Wetzel. It turns
out the bite marks on his wrist were actually wasp stings. Scully tries to cover
for Mulder, saying first that Skinner cleared their being on t.v. because the FBI
has nothing to hide, then adding that "anyone could have made the mistakes"
that Mulder had made. You:
A) Task the Blessed Redhead for covering for the Punk when it's already well-
documented he screwed up! Just trout-slap him and be done with it!
B) Note that the FBI does indeed have something to hide: J. Edgar's closet!!!
(girly scream)
C) Sigh because Dana's trying to be nice. Aww. Fox ought to give her a
complimentary backrub when they return to the hospital, yay!
13) A call comes in: there's been an attack 8 blocks away. The camera crew
tries to ride with the federal agents but Scully scowls at them like a Klingon
warrior having a bad hair day. The scene cuts to a nearby strip mall where the
body of the sketch artist is found: his chest has been slashed open, clean
through the body vest he was wearing. For you, this means:
A) Yet another autopsy. <sigh> Get out the scrubs, guys...
B) There's a job opening with the LAPD for artistic types
C) Dana and Fox can't yet share that bubble bath. <Bleep>
Commercial break. (long pause) (flush) Ahhh......
14) We return to the scene of the crime, as the paramedics load up the sketch
artist's body. Wetzel talks to the camera, very unconvincingly, of cops pulling
together at a moment like this to honor their fallen co-workers, even if they
were long-haired hippies, and "cowboying up" to catch the scum who did this.
You:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Arch an eyebrow at all of this. Cowboying up?! Okay, Hondo, let's go
punch some dogies...
15) Sgt. Duthie suggests speaking to a local couple who call in regularly about
the stuff they see in this neighborhood: their names are Steve and Edy. The
door opens to reveal two middle-aged black men, who report what they saw
about the sketch artist collapsing and screaming even though they didn't see
any attacker. They did see a streetwalker named Chantara though. Edy, the
more, uh, flamboyant one of the couple, turns to the camera as the crew walks
away and pleads, "When am I going to get my own TV show?" As Edy sings
his song, you mutter to yourself:
A) "Damn. Edy has better fashion sense than Scully does!" (Autumn Tysko
arches an eyebrow at the writer)
B) "Aw, dude, where's Damon Wayans and David Alan Grier when you need
them?!"
C) "Steve and Edy are going to be the characters for the X-Files spin-off?!
But...but...what about the synopsis I submitted to Chris Carter about a rogue
librarian hunting down the mythical Book With the Blue Cover?..." (whimper)
16) The camera crew seems to have talked their way past Scully to sit in the
back seat and listen to Mulder explain the X-Files and his hunt for the
paranormal. Of course, his constant stammering tips you off that he has no
clue what he's talking about. No, there's no survey question here. Just stating
a fact. Thank you.
NOTE: Mulder's attempt to convince Scully she needs to dye her hair pink like
Chantara's means he ain't getting any when the two make it back to their hotel
room. I know as a 'Shipper I shouldn't think like that, but honestly, man, pink
hair went out with the Flock of Seagulls, dude...
17) Our intrepid heroes (and persistent camera crew) find the pink-haired
Chantara, who witnessed the sketch artist's death and is convinced it was her
psychotic ex-boyfriend Chuco who did the deed. She's terrified, convinced
he's going to snap her neck like a chicken if she talks. Now that the police
have a name, it's warrant-serving time at the local crackhouse, complete with
battering ram, SWAT teams, and reggae music. As the X-Files switch back to
COPS mode, you take a moment and:
A) Wonder why they just don't let Scully kick in the door with her titanium-
alloy high heels!
B) Check the bolts on your door. Those SWAT teams keep getting the
addresses wrong all the time, dude!...
C) Wish that Dana and Fox stay out of the cops' way and let them do their
jobs...giving themselves an excuse to go hide behind the arrest van and, uh,
hold hands! (sigh)
18) We find out Chuco's been dead for at least a week. We then hear shots
being fired outside the crackhouse. We run back out to find Wetzel shooting
at...something that's run off. We turn to the car where Chantara was supposed
to be protected...to find her neck snapped like a chicken's. As the COPS logo
flashes back up to indicate another commercial break, we:
A) Take a breather. That's a lot of running going on...
B) Hey! What's this "we" stuff?! We're sitting here in our La-Z-Boy recliners
eating popcorn! We ain't running anywhere!
C) Turn back to our computers to finish up that 40-part fanfic story describing
Dana and Fox's honeymoon in Jamaica
19) The show resumes with this wicked camera zoom shot of a helicopter
flying across the full moon hanging above the City of Angels. (The writer of
the survey openly admits to being a cinematography slut) Mulder confronts
Wetzel about what he really saw, and what he shot at just before the
commercial break. Wetzel gets antsy, then confesses that what attacked him
was the Wasp Man, a Monster Under The Bed his older brother would scare
him with. Mulder uses this to posit other theory: a Fear Monster that morphs
into whatever it is the victim fears, be it werewolf, Freddy, Wasp Man, Bill
Gates...the list is endless! Scully points out a weak link in Mulder's chain of
events: Steve and Edy haven't been attacked yet. Oh. Uh-oh. Once they
figure that out, you figure out:
A) What it is you're most afraid of: a bad hair day!
B) That they should call in Buffy and the Scooby Gang: they've done this Fear
thing in two episodes!
C) Your favorite scary movie: Sense and Sensibility! (insert scream)
20) Mulder and Scully head back to Steve and Edy's place. Mulder announces
out loud, "Thought we'd check on them because they seem to fit a victim
profile." Scully: "I'm sorry. Are you talking to me?" When Mulder
acknowledges the camera crew instead, you wish:
A) That Scully would go into her kick-ass DeNiro impersonation and whip out
a trout instead of her Sig Sauer. "You betta be talking to me!" (whack)
B) That Scully would look straight at the camera and whisper, "I like cheese."
C) That Dana would look straight at the camera and whisper, "I like...I
like...oh, (bleep), will you guys just for once let me say I like Fox?" X-Files
staff of writers (in unison): "Not until the third sequel!" Dana: "Oh, (BLEEP)
you."
21) Mulder and Scully get caught in the middle of a tiff between the couple.
Edy is screaming that Steve doesn't love him anymore. The situation is tense.
Everyone waits awhile, and it becomes apparent the Fear Monster won't be
attacking Steve and Edy, who are thankfully resolving their conflict. In
Scully's opinion, however, something scarier than the Fear Monster shows up:
another COPS camera crew. You:
A) Sigh and wonder if the Blessed One can ever explain this to her
family and her parish priest and her neighbors and the postman and
Santa Claus (the nice non-serial-killer version) and
B) Think Scully's aversion to cameras is due to an incident in her college
years something about Alan Funt, a hidden camera, and a fake cadaver at her
final exam
C) Are grateful that the Rift has ended and and okay, so it's not a Rift
between Dana and Fox, but hey a Rift is still an unpleasant emotional mess
irregardless of who's involved
22) Scully wants to perform an autopsy on Chantara to narrow down the clues
by determining what DIDN'T kill her. Mulder wants to stick with officer
Wetzel because he's been witness to the Fear Monster twice already. You want:
A) The Punk to pay for the gas in the rental car, dammit! He's the one who
has been driving it most of this (bleeping) episode!
B) A nice big birthday cake on May Eighth with with (Writer gets
disapproving looks from relatives) Aw, (bleep), I don't wanna diet!
C) (Explicit sexual fantasy - involving Fox, Dana, a refrigerator full of fresh
fruits, and a digital videocamera - has been deleted to protect younger
viewers)
23) Wetzel talks to Mulder about the embarrassment this whole Fear Monster
thing is going to be to his law enforcement career. Mulder, of course, can
sympathize. You, of course, can:
A) Care less about these two. Let's go see what Scully is finding out that will
solve this case!
B) Gargle Gershwin with gargoyles
C) Only hope that there's a red-headed female partner out there for Wetzel
who can hold his hand and make him feel loved, uh, trusted
24) Scully is trying to perform an autopsy on Chantara, but the assisting
medical examiner keeps hassling her about hantavirus. When the terrified (not
a good sign in this episode) lady suddenly shows signs of hantavirus, you
realize:
A) That the Blessed One should have done a better job of calming that medical
examiner's fears, and told her that a Fear Monster was really responsible for
the streetwalker's death. Oh, right, Scully couldn't do that with a straight
face...(sigh)
B) There's another job opening, this time for medical examiner. Does
everyone have their resumes handy?...
C) That poor Dana is now going to be quarantined for the rest of the episode
and she'll never get a chance to hold Fox's hand for the closing scene (what a
'Shipper would call "the money shot")...(sigh)
25) Mulder shows up at the morgue where Scully is frustrated. She can't
explain how the dead medical examiner could drop so quickly dying of
hantavirus: the disease takes hours to kill its victims. Mulder points out that
the woman's fear of that plague proves his theory of a Fear Monster: the thing
is, you have to be DEATHLY afraid for the Fear Monster to strike. Other
fears, like fear of separation (Steve and Edy) or fear of embarrassment (Scully)
isn't enough to be affected. Your deathly fear is:
A) A skydiving elephant plummeting toward you whilst wearing a spandex
outfit and trumpeting Chuck Mangonie tunes (scream)
B) Rush Limbaugh: Monday Night Football announcer (scream)
C) A NoRomo in charge of script approval on the show! (scream)
26) Our heroes realize there's one potential victim left: Wetzel and his deathly
childhood fear of Wasp Man. Wetzel, like any foolish character from a horror
movie, has gone back out into the night with one of the COPS camera crews to
wrap things up. This means:
A) Scully should keep her medical scrubs on. This'll get messy!
B) Yet another job opening coming up. If anyone needs to study up for the
law enforcement civil service exams, check the shelves of your local public
library in the 363.23 shelf area for the study guides!
C) There's not enough time for Dana and Fox to hug right now! Damn, but
make this quick!...
27) Wetzel has returned to the crack house with his camera crew in tow. It's
empty now, dark and deserted. Suddenly, the cop's flashlight goes dead. In
the shadows, noises of something hideous comes closer. The door slams shut.
Everyone is screaming as the camera shakes, unable to film the coming horror.
You're certain that:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) The Blair Witch is back and bitchier than ever. Oh (BLEEP)!!!
28) Mulder and Scully return to the crack house. The other cops try the
battering ram on the front door while the FBI agents and the COPS crew go
through the back door. With their flashlights out, the unusually distant sound
of the ram against the door, the cluttered discord of the living room, this all
conveys a really spooky place. The closet door jiggles, and Mulder opens it to
find...the other camera crew screaming their heads off. As Scully slams the
door on them, cursing "I hate you guys," you're certain:
A) That you've figured out where Heather and Mike are: they're hiding in one
of the closets of that haunted house they entered at the end of the movie!
Although, since it's been a few years, they're probably a little starved right
now...
B) That the camera crew hiding in the closet will never hear the end of it when
their colleagues make it back to the FOX headquarters! (snickering)
C) That Dana is just a little jumpy right now...she's flashing back to that
wonderful domicile she and Fox had in "Arcadia"...
29) The camera crew follows Mulder and Scully upstairs to where they can
hear Wetzel screaming. There's signs of a bloody struggle up the stairwell,
very Blair Witch-like. They get to the door leading to Wetzel, but something
very powerful slams that door shut, forcing Mulder to bang his shoulder
ineffectively against it. He tries to calm Wetzel down, reminding him he's a
bleeping cop and he has to "cowboy up." Suddenly, the door opens. Wetzel
stops screaming. We find:
A) That Scully used her Jedi mind trick to get the Fear Monster to let Luke
and Obi-wan pass...
B) A few cameras and sound recorders, about twelve rusted cans of film,
Heather's journal, and Josh's tape mix of favorite tunes!
C) Dana and Fox planning to hunt the Fear Monster as far as Jamaica if they
have to!...(sigh)
30) Wetzel had survived into dawn. Scully tries to comfort Mulder about not
getting the concrete proof he wanted of paranormal activity. Mulder points to
the camera crew, noting, "Well, hey, you know, it all depends on how they edit
it together." As Scully concludes with "It's going to be a hard one to write
up," you conclude with a:
A) "No (bleep), Scully!"
B) "What? That's it? A Fear Monster? That is so lame! They should have
come up with a mummy or a devilbunny or something! (Bleep)!"
C) "Damn! No concrete proof of a relationship! (Double Bleep)!"
If you more often than not answered:
A) then you are an OBSSE acolyte who thinks the whole thing would make for
a lousy Hollywood movie...oh (bleep), isn't that coming up soon?...
B) then you are a trio of college students stuck in the woods of Maryland
walking in circles and shouting enough obscenities to wake the undead!
C) then you are a 'Shipper who has faced the greatest fear: President Donald Trump! (SCREAM)
HAPPY 4th of July to all Americans, White and Black and Hispanic and Asian and Grey and...
Oh, and I changed the final joke. I updated it up for 2015. Had to be done.
That said, from Season Seven I bring you:
Senseless 'Shipper Survey - X-Cops
Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Ya gonna watch some X-Files,
mon!...
NOTE: Senseless 'Shipper Surveys are written on location with the men and
women of fandom enforcement. All suspects are guilty until copyrighted in a
court of law. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. For example,
Sean Carroll is now Geri Halliwell. Gizzie is now Autumn. Autumn is now
Gillian Anderson. We hope all are satisfied.
1) We know it's Sunday night. 9 p.m. But instead of aliens and mutants,
we've got blurred images of crack whores and t-shirt-wearing rednecks. The
programming guys at FOX have screwed up again: they're showing COPS
instead of the X-Files. You:
A) Curse the Fates and switch your allegiance to Masterpiece Theater
B) Throw the t.v. out the window and hope it hits a network executive
C) Worry that Dana and Fox are going to get nailed for public indecency
2) We're riding with a rookie cop working the night shift in a slum of Los
Angeles. The cop, Wetzel, is talking about the insanity that comes with a full
moon at night. As he gets a call in about a lady screaming about a monster,
you note:
A) That Wetzel needs to stop off at a deli first to pick up a trout he can use to
slap some sense into that woman!
B) That O.J. has got to stop going around looking for the real killers while
wearing a Nixon mask!
C) That the One-Eyed One-Horned Flying Purple-People-Eater is looking at
Laura C. the wrong way...damn slashers!
3) Wetzel shows up at the address, scaring off a mewling kitty and finding a
terrified elderly Hispanic lady. Her door has large claw marks. We hear a
noise on the other side of the house, and the cop goes to investigate. He goes
off-camera, then suddenly comes running back screaming his head off, yelling
at the camera crew to make it back to the safety of the police car. Once inside,
Wetzel hurriedly calls for back-up just as someone or someTHING huge starts
slamming into the police car, knocking out windows and flipping the auto
twice. As the screen goes black and flashes the memorable opening credits of
the One True Show, you realize:
A) That the network executives would do anything for sweeps week...just as
long as they don't do anything embarrassing like try to marry off a stand-up
comedian posing as a millionaire...
B) That the Blair Witch has gone Hollywood! Well, you'd expect that after
her movie made over $100 million in domestic ticket sales...
C) That we ARE going to see Dana and Fox get caught for public indecency!
Woo-hoo!...
4) More cops arrive to the scene. Wetzel at first refuses to admit what
attacked the car, finally agreeing with the idea it was gangbangers who
overturned something that heavy. A call quickly comes in that suspects have
been spotted a few blocks away. Everybody goes running off to an alleyway
where they detain two people. The guy is tall, with mussed hair, somewhat
spooky in demeanor. The woman is petite, dressed fashionably if casually.
They claim to be FBI agents. When it turns out they are, indeed, Special
Agents Mulder and Scully, you determine:
A) That the Punk has once again dragged the Blessed Redhead into another
embarrassing mess. Well, Scully, at least you're not stuck in the sewers this
time...
B) That if COPS exists in the same alternate universe as the X-Files, then that
means COPS exists in the same universe as Homicide...which also exists in the
same universe as Law & Order. Do you think COPS could film an episode
with the law enforcement men and women of New Yawk's Finest?...
C) That if Fox was taking Dana to a nice Bed and Breakfast in California's
wine valley, he definitely took a wrong turn at Albuquerque...
5) Mulder and Scully are interested in the report of a monster prowling the
neighborhood. Then they notice there's a camera crew focusing on them. You
want their reaction to be:
A) "Holy (expletive deleted), Mulder, we're on film!"
B) "Oh no. Are we going to be on the FOX Network? <various expletives
deleted>"
C) "(Extremely graphic expletives of a sexual nature)" "Excuse me, Dana, try
whispering that in my ear next time..."
6) Mulder confronts Wetzel on what he saw in the alleyway. Mulder is
convinced it was a werewolf. Wetzel's boss, Sgt. Duthie, can't believe any of
it, even after Mulder points out the bite marks on Wetzel's arm. As Mulder
tells the poor rookie cop he's doomed to use fire hydrants to mark his territory
at night, Scully keeps hiding from the all-intrusive video camera. You take this
all in and conclude:
A) That the Blessed One is horrified she doesn't have on her formal outfits to
appear on television! Damn you, Punk, for tossing her suitcase out the car
window on the drive to L.A.! (trout-slap)
B) That Wetzel might be sent to the kennel, but Mulder's certainly being sent
to the nearest psychiatric facility!...
C) That Dana would like to stand close to Fox right now but she's worried
about incurring the wrath of a vengeful Bree Sharp!...
NOTE: regarding werewolves, the writer of this survey would have liked
seeing Seth Green make a cameo appearance so this can all tie into the Buffy
Show, but then again that's just me...
7) Sgt. Duthie: "With all due respect what the <bleep> are you talking about?"
Mulder: "I'm talking about preventing this man from becoming a danger to
himself and to others." Duthie: "Can I see your badge again?" You:
A) "Uh-oh. She's gonna find out the Punk's badge came from a box of
cracker jacks!"
B) "Why? Didn't you already get one as a gift from an X-Phile friend for your
birthday?"
C) "Uh-oh. You've got a shot of yourself wearing Speedos in the flap, don't
you, Fox..."
8) Scully calls Mulder over to one side to try and slap, uh, yeah okay slap some
sense into him. Scully: "Mulder, have you noticed that we're on television?"
Mulder: "I don't think it's live television, Scully. She just said (bleep)." You:
A) "Oh, okay. (Many varied and colorful expletives deleted covering
absolutely everything the Punk has done in the past seven years to embarrass
the Blessed One)"
B) "Bleep? What the (bleep) does Bleep mean? Smeg? Snerk? Gosh darn
golly gee?!?! SNUGGLEBUNNIES?!?!?!?!"
C) "I think Dana's trying to tell you that your relationship is out in the open
now, Fox. McGrath's oversight committee could be looking into those hotel
bills of yours again..."
9) Scully tries to point out that with the camera crew present (and constantly
stalking them, to make things worse), the FBI (and especially herself) could
well be embarrassed by Mulder's accusations of lycanthropy. Mulder
disagrees, thinking that this might be the best opportunity to prove to a
skeptical public some aspect of the paranormal. Mulder actually asks (politely,
I think) Scully to keep an eye on Wetzel. As Scully calls out as he walks away
that she's calling Skinner, you sit there:
A) Actually stunned the Punk asked nicely for once. (eyes widened) (jaw
dropped) (Bleep), you think the Skeptical Redhead needs to re-think her
position on camera crews...they seem to force Mulder to behave!...
B) Certain that Leonard Nimoy already proved the paranormal with his epic
"In Search Of"series...
C) Worried that the camera crew missed that shot of Dana and Fox holding
hands while they flirted, uh, bickered...
10) Scully pulls out her cell phone to call Skinner. The camera crew closes in
dramatically. Scully tells them to "give it a rest." They don't back off. Scully
puts her hand over the camera lens. Suddenly there's an edit, like as though
they don't want to show what happened next. You're certain:
A) Scully did things to that camera that would take weeks to repair and clean.
Battle on, Scully!
B) The editing crew weeks later removed scenes that would have provided
vital clues on the disappearances of three film students in the woods of
Maryland back in 1994!...
C) That the scene was edited out because it didn't provide anything that would
have delighted 'Shippers everywhere. We're still waiting for the prolonged
bee-free French kiss dammit!!!
11) Mulder and the police talk to the hysterical elderly woman about the "claw
monster" she saw. She's asked to work with the police sketch artist so they
can get a good idea what they're up against. Mulder examines the claw
scratches on the doorway, then shows Sgt. Duthie the earlier sketch drawing of
the werewolf that claimed a life last month. Mulder's convinced the elderly
woman saw the same thing. Finally, the sketch artist finishes, handing over a
drawing of...Freddy Kruger from the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. You:
A) Fall over on the floor laughing your (bleep) off!
B) Worry that Robert Eugland is a werewolf!
C) Sigh, grateful that this will end Fox's night of hunting and force him to go
back to the hotel with Dana and share a bubble bath with her!
12) Scully returns from the hospital with a relieved-looking Wetzel. It turns
out the bite marks on his wrist were actually wasp stings. Scully tries to cover
for Mulder, saying first that Skinner cleared their being on t.v. because the FBI
has nothing to hide, then adding that "anyone could have made the mistakes"
that Mulder had made. You:
A) Task the Blessed Redhead for covering for the Punk when it's already well-
documented he screwed up! Just trout-slap him and be done with it!
B) Note that the FBI does indeed have something to hide: J. Edgar's closet!!!
(girly scream)
C) Sigh because Dana's trying to be nice. Aww. Fox ought to give her a
complimentary backrub when they return to the hospital, yay!
13) A call comes in: there's been an attack 8 blocks away. The camera crew
tries to ride with the federal agents but Scully scowls at them like a Klingon
warrior having a bad hair day. The scene cuts to a nearby strip mall where the
body of the sketch artist is found: his chest has been slashed open, clean
through the body vest he was wearing. For you, this means:
A) Yet another autopsy. <sigh> Get out the scrubs, guys...
B) There's a job opening with the LAPD for artistic types
C) Dana and Fox can't yet share that bubble bath. <Bleep>
Commercial break. (long pause) (flush) Ahhh......
14) We return to the scene of the crime, as the paramedics load up the sketch
artist's body. Wetzel talks to the camera, very unconvincingly, of cops pulling
together at a moment like this to honor their fallen co-workers, even if they
were long-haired hippies, and "cowboying up" to catch the scum who did this.
You:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) Arch an eyebrow at all of this. Cowboying up?! Okay, Hondo, let's go
punch some dogies...
15) Sgt. Duthie suggests speaking to a local couple who call in regularly about
the stuff they see in this neighborhood: their names are Steve and Edy. The
door opens to reveal two middle-aged black men, who report what they saw
about the sketch artist collapsing and screaming even though they didn't see
any attacker. They did see a streetwalker named Chantara though. Edy, the
more, uh, flamboyant one of the couple, turns to the camera as the crew walks
away and pleads, "When am I going to get my own TV show?" As Edy sings
his song, you mutter to yourself:
A) "Damn. Edy has better fashion sense than Scully does!" (Autumn Tysko
arches an eyebrow at the writer)
B) "Aw, dude, where's Damon Wayans and David Alan Grier when you need
them?!"
C) "Steve and Edy are going to be the characters for the X-Files spin-off?!
But...but...what about the synopsis I submitted to Chris Carter about a rogue
librarian hunting down the mythical Book With the Blue Cover?..." (whimper)
16) The camera crew seems to have talked their way past Scully to sit in the
back seat and listen to Mulder explain the X-Files and his hunt for the
paranormal. Of course, his constant stammering tips you off that he has no
clue what he's talking about. No, there's no survey question here. Just stating
a fact. Thank you.
NOTE: Mulder's attempt to convince Scully she needs to dye her hair pink like
Chantara's means he ain't getting any when the two make it back to their hotel
room. I know as a 'Shipper I shouldn't think like that, but honestly, man, pink
hair went out with the Flock of Seagulls, dude...
17) Our intrepid heroes (and persistent camera crew) find the pink-haired
Chantara, who witnessed the sketch artist's death and is convinced it was her
psychotic ex-boyfriend Chuco who did the deed. She's terrified, convinced
he's going to snap her neck like a chicken if she talks. Now that the police
have a name, it's warrant-serving time at the local crackhouse, complete with
battering ram, SWAT teams, and reggae music. As the X-Files switch back to
COPS mode, you take a moment and:
A) Wonder why they just don't let Scully kick in the door with her titanium-
alloy high heels!
B) Check the bolts on your door. Those SWAT teams keep getting the
addresses wrong all the time, dude!...
C) Wish that Dana and Fox stay out of the cops' way and let them do their
jobs...giving themselves an excuse to go hide behind the arrest van and, uh,
hold hands! (sigh)
18) We find out Chuco's been dead for at least a week. We then hear shots
being fired outside the crackhouse. We run back out to find Wetzel shooting
at...something that's run off. We turn to the car where Chantara was supposed
to be protected...to find her neck snapped like a chicken's. As the COPS logo
flashes back up to indicate another commercial break, we:
A) Take a breather. That's a lot of running going on...
B) Hey! What's this "we" stuff?! We're sitting here in our La-Z-Boy recliners
eating popcorn! We ain't running anywhere!
C) Turn back to our computers to finish up that 40-part fanfic story describing
Dana and Fox's honeymoon in Jamaica
19) The show resumes with this wicked camera zoom shot of a helicopter
flying across the full moon hanging above the City of Angels. (The writer of
the survey openly admits to being a cinematography slut) Mulder confronts
Wetzel about what he really saw, and what he shot at just before the
commercial break. Wetzel gets antsy, then confesses that what attacked him
was the Wasp Man, a Monster Under The Bed his older brother would scare
him with. Mulder uses this to posit other theory: a Fear Monster that morphs
into whatever it is the victim fears, be it werewolf, Freddy, Wasp Man, Bill
Gates...the list is endless! Scully points out a weak link in Mulder's chain of
events: Steve and Edy haven't been attacked yet. Oh. Uh-oh. Once they
figure that out, you figure out:
A) What it is you're most afraid of: a bad hair day!
B) That they should call in Buffy and the Scooby Gang: they've done this Fear
thing in two episodes!
C) Your favorite scary movie: Sense and Sensibility! (insert scream)
20) Mulder and Scully head back to Steve and Edy's place. Mulder announces
out loud, "Thought we'd check on them because they seem to fit a victim
profile." Scully: "I'm sorry. Are you talking to me?" When Mulder
acknowledges the camera crew instead, you wish:
A) That Scully would go into her kick-ass DeNiro impersonation and whip out
a trout instead of her Sig Sauer. "You betta be talking to me!" (whack)
B) That Scully would look straight at the camera and whisper, "I like cheese."
C) That Dana would look straight at the camera and whisper, "I like...I
like...oh, (bleep), will you guys just for once let me say I like Fox?" X-Files
staff of writers (in unison): "Not until the third sequel!" Dana: "Oh, (BLEEP)
you."
21) Mulder and Scully get caught in the middle of a tiff between the couple.
Edy is screaming that Steve doesn't love him anymore. The situation is tense.
Everyone waits awhile, and it becomes apparent the Fear Monster won't be
attacking Steve and Edy, who are thankfully resolving their conflict. In
Scully's opinion, however, something scarier than the Fear Monster shows up:
another COPS camera crew. You:
A) Sigh and wonder if the Blessed One can ever explain this to her
family and her parish priest and her neighbors and the postman and
Santa Claus (the nice non-serial-killer version) and
B) Think Scully's aversion to cameras is due to an incident in her college
years something about Alan Funt, a hidden camera, and a fake cadaver at her
final exam
C) Are grateful that the Rift has ended and and okay, so it's not a Rift
between Dana and Fox, but hey a Rift is still an unpleasant emotional mess
irregardless of who's involved
22) Scully wants to perform an autopsy on Chantara to narrow down the clues
by determining what DIDN'T kill her. Mulder wants to stick with officer
Wetzel because he's been witness to the Fear Monster twice already. You want:
A) The Punk to pay for the gas in the rental car, dammit! He's the one who
has been driving it most of this (bleeping) episode!
B) A nice big birthday cake on May Eighth with with (Writer gets
disapproving looks from relatives) Aw, (bleep), I don't wanna diet!
C) (Explicit sexual fantasy - involving Fox, Dana, a refrigerator full of fresh
fruits, and a digital videocamera - has been deleted to protect younger
viewers)
23) Wetzel talks to Mulder about the embarrassment this whole Fear Monster
thing is going to be to his law enforcement career. Mulder, of course, can
sympathize. You, of course, can:
A) Care less about these two. Let's go see what Scully is finding out that will
solve this case!
B) Gargle Gershwin with gargoyles
C) Only hope that there's a red-headed female partner out there for Wetzel
who can hold his hand and make him feel loved, uh, trusted
24) Scully is trying to perform an autopsy on Chantara, but the assisting
medical examiner keeps hassling her about hantavirus. When the terrified (not
a good sign in this episode) lady suddenly shows signs of hantavirus, you
realize:
A) That the Blessed One should have done a better job of calming that medical
examiner's fears, and told her that a Fear Monster was really responsible for
the streetwalker's death. Oh, right, Scully couldn't do that with a straight
face...(sigh)
B) There's another job opening, this time for medical examiner. Does
everyone have their resumes handy?...
C) That poor Dana is now going to be quarantined for the rest of the episode
and she'll never get a chance to hold Fox's hand for the closing scene (what a
'Shipper would call "the money shot")...(sigh)
25) Mulder shows up at the morgue where Scully is frustrated. She can't
explain how the dead medical examiner could drop so quickly dying of
hantavirus: the disease takes hours to kill its victims. Mulder points out that
the woman's fear of that plague proves his theory of a Fear Monster: the thing
is, you have to be DEATHLY afraid for the Fear Monster to strike. Other
fears, like fear of separation (Steve and Edy) or fear of embarrassment (Scully)
isn't enough to be affected. Your deathly fear is:
A) A skydiving elephant plummeting toward you whilst wearing a spandex
outfit and trumpeting Chuck Mangonie tunes (scream)
B) Rush Limbaugh: Monday Night Football announcer (scream)
C) A NoRomo in charge of script approval on the show! (scream)
26) Our heroes realize there's one potential victim left: Wetzel and his deathly
childhood fear of Wasp Man. Wetzel, like any foolish character from a horror
movie, has gone back out into the night with one of the COPS camera crews to
wrap things up. This means:
A) Scully should keep her medical scrubs on. This'll get messy!
B) Yet another job opening coming up. If anyone needs to study up for the
law enforcement civil service exams, check the shelves of your local public
library in the 363.23 shelf area for the study guides!
C) There's not enough time for Dana and Fox to hug right now! Damn, but
make this quick!...
27) Wetzel has returned to the crack house with his camera crew in tow. It's
empty now, dark and deserted. Suddenly, the cop's flashlight goes dead. In
the shadows, noises of something hideous comes closer. The door slams shut.
Everyone is screaming as the camera shakes, unable to film the coming horror.
You're certain that:
A) see B)
B) see C)
C) The Blair Witch is back and bitchier than ever. Oh (BLEEP)!!!
28) Mulder and Scully return to the crack house. The other cops try the
battering ram on the front door while the FBI agents and the COPS crew go
through the back door. With their flashlights out, the unusually distant sound
of the ram against the door, the cluttered discord of the living room, this all
conveys a really spooky place. The closet door jiggles, and Mulder opens it to
find...the other camera crew screaming their heads off. As Scully slams the
door on them, cursing "I hate you guys," you're certain:
A) That you've figured out where Heather and Mike are: they're hiding in one
of the closets of that haunted house they entered at the end of the movie!
Although, since it's been a few years, they're probably a little starved right
now...
B) That the camera crew hiding in the closet will never hear the end of it when
their colleagues make it back to the FOX headquarters! (snickering)
C) That Dana is just a little jumpy right now...she's flashing back to that
wonderful domicile she and Fox had in "Arcadia"...
29) The camera crew follows Mulder and Scully upstairs to where they can
hear Wetzel screaming. There's signs of a bloody struggle up the stairwell,
very Blair Witch-like. They get to the door leading to Wetzel, but something
very powerful slams that door shut, forcing Mulder to bang his shoulder
ineffectively against it. He tries to calm Wetzel down, reminding him he's a
bleeping cop and he has to "cowboy up." Suddenly, the door opens. Wetzel
stops screaming. We find:
A) That Scully used her Jedi mind trick to get the Fear Monster to let Luke
and Obi-wan pass...
B) A few cameras and sound recorders, about twelve rusted cans of film,
Heather's journal, and Josh's tape mix of favorite tunes!
C) Dana and Fox planning to hunt the Fear Monster as far as Jamaica if they
have to!...(sigh)
30) Wetzel had survived into dawn. Scully tries to comfort Mulder about not
getting the concrete proof he wanted of paranormal activity. Mulder points to
the camera crew, noting, "Well, hey, you know, it all depends on how they edit
it together." As Scully concludes with "It's going to be a hard one to write
up," you conclude with a:
A) "No (bleep), Scully!"
B) "What? That's it? A Fear Monster? That is so lame! They should have
come up with a mummy or a devilbunny or something! (Bleep)!"
C) "Damn! No concrete proof of a relationship! (Double Bleep)!"
If you more often than not answered:
A) then you are an OBSSE acolyte who thinks the whole thing would make for
a lousy Hollywood movie...oh (bleep), isn't that coming up soon?...
B) then you are a trio of college students stuck in the woods of Maryland
walking in circles and shouting enough obscenities to wake the undead!
C) then you are a 'Shipper who has faced the greatest fear: President Donald Trump! (SCREAM)
HAPPY 4th of July to all Americans, White and Black and Hispanic and Asian and Grey and...
Sunday, June 28, 2015
X-Files: Kill Switch 'Shipper Survey
I have no idea why I'm going with this episode for a posting at the moment.
Well, actually I do:
1) Not enough time today to write a brand-new 'Shipper survey, so I'm pasting in a recap back from Season Five whence I wrote it;
2) I think the cyberpunk genre maestro William Gibson favorited a Tweet I posted last night, so I'm kinda in a fanboy OMG mood, and Gibson is the one who wrote this episode.
So, traveling back through time to the heady days of 1998, when computers were on Windows 98, RAM was measured in MB, tablets were how we figured out our pill dosages, Apple was coming out with these colorful little all-in-one machines called iMacs, and we were all still waiting for the hoverboards Back to the Future movies promised us for 2015... sigh...
Additional notes: this is still early in my career as a 'Shipper Survey writer, so the questions - and the jokes - don't go into as much detail as the later ones. Also, I go with calling Mulder and Scully by their last names in the C) 'Shipping answers, I won't switch to first-names Fox and Dana until later. Silly me. Anyway, here we go!
Senseless Shipper Survey- Kill Switch
1) As the episode begins in a darkened cafe, your first thought was:
A) Does Scully drink decaf?
B) Odd, absolutely none of the businesses shown on the X-Files seem to pay their electric bills
C) This would be a great place for Moose and Squirrel to meet for a late-night coffee chat
2) Scully winces in the driver's seat as Mulder pulls out smuggled evidence. He finds a CD and plops it into the Ford Taurus' disc player. As the music flows and the lights blink, your thought was:
A) A-ha! Scully gets to be in the driver's seat!!!
B) Gee, my Ford Taurus doesn't have a disc player...:(
C) "Twilight Time?" Gee, it's the perfect excuse for Scully and Mulder to crawl into the backseat...;-)
3) The cybergrrl Invisigoth has just told our intrepid heroes about artificial-intelligence superviruses, DOD orbital platforms, and a few other end-of-the-world stuff. Scully pulls the car over so she and Mulder can argue out in the open. Your response is:
A) To congratulate the Enigmatic One for her excellent driving skills, even though it's hard to see her explain away the "orbiting platform" stuff since something DID blow up Invisigoth's berth
B) To wonder why they left a suspect, even one in handcuffs, able to roam about and possibly flee
C) To be satisfied that Mulder and Scully are comfortable enough in their relationship to hold their discussions (which we all know is how they really flirt!) in full view of other people
4) Mulder and Scully bring Invisigoth to the suddenly perky and gleeful Lone Gunmen. Did you:
A) Emulate the Enigmatic One's eye-rolling as "Esther" shamelessly humiliated the obviously overwhelmed Gunguys
B) Wonder if Invisigoth really can type with her tongue
C) Thank Frohike for focusing on someone else "really hot," so that Fox and Dana can fall in love with no interference on his part (note: I think this is where I start doing it, but not consistently...)
5) Scully lets her guard down and Esther uses her gun to take them to a hidden location. During these tense moments, did you:
A) Overlook Scully's mistake of keeping her gun out in the open and pray that she will escape Esther and kick ass
B) Think Esther should have done a better job cloaking her voice over the cel phone by using electronic scramblers
C) Want Scully to say, "Mulder, I'm in a hostage situation, so I might not see you again, so let me tell you that I...I...trust you, Fox..."
6) Esther finds only the smoking ruins left by an orbiting platform. Just as Scully is about to break free, the cybergrrl breaks down and talks about being in a relationship so intense it moved beyond mere flesh. Your response was:
A) "Damn! Just as Scully was about to smoke another blonde, the cyberbitch has to turn out human and sympathetic!"
B) "Hey! The safety was on all the time!"
C) "Okay, Scully's silence during the rhetorical question about relationships merely affirms that she DOES know what it's like to be in an intense shared relationship that moves beyond mere flesh. Thank God!"
7) Mulder has let his guard down, and has been given massive electrical shocks. He awakes in a hospital with busty nurses and serious cutting tools. Your response is:
A) "His doctor is Scully? She should get paid for overtime, man..."
B) "Red right hand, you can have. Just don't ask about your red left hand, though..."
C) "Forget the cutting tools! What's with the nurses? Mulder!..."
8) Two words: Nurse Nancy. Your first thought was:
A) "Scully can kick her blonde ass any day!"
B) "Wasn't that the title of the, ahem, adult film that got PeeWee Herman in hot water with the Sarasota police force?"
C) "This wouldn't happen, Mulder, if you stop purchasing all those porno tapes- which, by the way, the supervirus traced and used in this holographic simulation- and started focusing on a pure, intense relationship that moves beyond mere flesh with a certain redheaded partner of yours..."
9) SWAT!Scully arrives and proves she spent her youth watching Avengers re-runs by kicking ass Emma Peel style. Did you:
A) Cheer at the graceful way she kicked ass while wearing high heels
B) Note that this was all a computer-generated fantasy anyway, and that Scully probably doesn't kick ass in high heels
C) Thank God Mulder's fantasy was moving away from those silly, underdressed nurses and toward a fully functional, intelligent, strong doctor/warrior who just happens to be incredibly beautiful...
10) The real Scully arrives to rescue Mulder, but as they turn to go she sees Invisigoth logging into the VR system to merge/battle with the supervirus. Your final thought was:
A) So Scully may have been wrong about orbiting platforms and artificial intelligence. At least she can shoot straight in this reality and kick ass in virtual reality!...
B) "Bite me"?!?! Shouldn't Esther, uh Invisigoth, have used the cornier "Byte me" as a better send-off?!?!
C) Does true love, even love that moves beyond mere flesh, prevail? It better!!!...
If you more often than not answered:
A) then you are an OBSSEr who's happy Scully got to do all the driving this episode
B) then you're a marginal computer user, someone who knows how to operate a mouse and play "Tomb Raider II," but completely in the dark when it comes to T3s, encryptions, and superviruses
C) then you are a 'Shipper who was worried for a while about Mulder's "obsession" with porn but thinks his virtual nightmare will, uh, amputate his need for adult video and force him to interact on a human level, hopefully by taking Scully for some coffee to that diner...;-) ;-) ;-)
Well, actually I do:
1) Not enough time today to write a brand-new 'Shipper survey, so I'm pasting in a recap back from Season Five whence I wrote it;
2) I think the cyberpunk genre maestro William Gibson favorited a Tweet I posted last night, so I'm kinda in a fanboy OMG mood, and Gibson is the one who wrote this episode.
So, traveling back through time to the heady days of 1998, when computers were on Windows 98, RAM was measured in MB, tablets were how we figured out our pill dosages, Apple was coming out with these colorful little all-in-one machines called iMacs, and we were all still waiting for the hoverboards Back to the Future movies promised us for 2015... sigh...
Additional notes: this is still early in my career as a 'Shipper Survey writer, so the questions - and the jokes - don't go into as much detail as the later ones. Also, I go with calling Mulder and Scully by their last names in the C) 'Shipping answers, I won't switch to first-names Fox and Dana until later. Silly me. Anyway, here we go!
Senseless Shipper Survey- Kill Switch
1) As the episode begins in a darkened cafe, your first thought was:
A) Does Scully drink decaf?
B) Odd, absolutely none of the businesses shown on the X-Files seem to pay their electric bills
C) This would be a great place for Moose and Squirrel to meet for a late-night coffee chat
2) Scully winces in the driver's seat as Mulder pulls out smuggled evidence. He finds a CD and plops it into the Ford Taurus' disc player. As the music flows and the lights blink, your thought was:
A) A-ha! Scully gets to be in the driver's seat!!!
B) Gee, my Ford Taurus doesn't have a disc player...:(
C) "Twilight Time?" Gee, it's the perfect excuse for Scully and Mulder to crawl into the backseat...;-)
3) The cybergrrl Invisigoth has just told our intrepid heroes about artificial-intelligence superviruses, DOD orbital platforms, and a few other end-of-the-world stuff. Scully pulls the car over so she and Mulder can argue out in the open. Your response is:
A) To congratulate the Enigmatic One for her excellent driving skills, even though it's hard to see her explain away the "orbiting platform" stuff since something DID blow up Invisigoth's berth
B) To wonder why they left a suspect, even one in handcuffs, able to roam about and possibly flee
C) To be satisfied that Mulder and Scully are comfortable enough in their relationship to hold their discussions (which we all know is how they really flirt!) in full view of other people
4) Mulder and Scully bring Invisigoth to the suddenly perky and gleeful Lone Gunmen. Did you:
A) Emulate the Enigmatic One's eye-rolling as "Esther" shamelessly humiliated the obviously overwhelmed Gunguys
B) Wonder if Invisigoth really can type with her tongue
C) Thank Frohike for focusing on someone else "really hot," so that Fox and Dana can fall in love with no interference on his part (note: I think this is where I start doing it, but not consistently...)
5) Scully lets her guard down and Esther uses her gun to take them to a hidden location. During these tense moments, did you:
A) Overlook Scully's mistake of keeping her gun out in the open and pray that she will escape Esther and kick ass
B) Think Esther should have done a better job cloaking her voice over the cel phone by using electronic scramblers
C) Want Scully to say, "Mulder, I'm in a hostage situation, so I might not see you again, so let me tell you that I...I...trust you, Fox..."
6) Esther finds only the smoking ruins left by an orbiting platform. Just as Scully is about to break free, the cybergrrl breaks down and talks about being in a relationship so intense it moved beyond mere flesh. Your response was:
A) "Damn! Just as Scully was about to smoke another blonde, the cyberbitch has to turn out human and sympathetic!"
B) "Hey! The safety was on all the time!"
C) "Okay, Scully's silence during the rhetorical question about relationships merely affirms that she DOES know what it's like to be in an intense shared relationship that moves beyond mere flesh. Thank God!"
7) Mulder has let his guard down, and has been given massive electrical shocks. He awakes in a hospital with busty nurses and serious cutting tools. Your response is:
A) "His doctor is Scully? She should get paid for overtime, man..."
B) "Red right hand, you can have. Just don't ask about your red left hand, though..."
C) "Forget the cutting tools! What's with the nurses? Mulder!..."
8) Two words: Nurse Nancy. Your first thought was:
A) "Scully can kick her blonde ass any day!"
B) "Wasn't that the title of the, ahem, adult film that got PeeWee Herman in hot water with the Sarasota police force?"
C) "This wouldn't happen, Mulder, if you stop purchasing all those porno tapes- which, by the way, the supervirus traced and used in this holographic simulation- and started focusing on a pure, intense relationship that moves beyond mere flesh with a certain redheaded partner of yours..."
9) SWAT!Scully arrives and proves she spent her youth watching Avengers re-runs by kicking ass Emma Peel style. Did you:
A) Cheer at the graceful way she kicked ass while wearing high heels
B) Note that this was all a computer-generated fantasy anyway, and that Scully probably doesn't kick ass in high heels
C) Thank God Mulder's fantasy was moving away from those silly, underdressed nurses and toward a fully functional, intelligent, strong doctor/warrior who just happens to be incredibly beautiful...
10) The real Scully arrives to rescue Mulder, but as they turn to go she sees Invisigoth logging into the VR system to merge/battle with the supervirus. Your final thought was:
A) So Scully may have been wrong about orbiting platforms and artificial intelligence. At least she can shoot straight in this reality and kick ass in virtual reality!...
B) "Bite me"?!?! Shouldn't Esther, uh Invisigoth, have used the cornier "Byte me" as a better send-off?!?!
C) Does true love, even love that moves beyond mere flesh, prevail? It better!!!...
If you more often than not answered:
A) then you are an OBSSEr who's happy Scully got to do all the driving this episode
B) then you're a marginal computer user, someone who knows how to operate a mouse and play "Tomb Raider II," but completely in the dark when it comes to T3s, encryptions, and superviruses
C) then you are a 'Shipper who was worried for a while about Mulder's "obsession" with porn but thinks his virtual nightmare will, uh, amputate his need for adult video and force him to interact on a human level, hopefully by taking Scully for some coffee to that diner...;-) ;-) ;-)
Sunday, June 21, 2015
The X-Files: Ice 'Shipper Survey
Holy crepole, Batman! I FINALLY GOT AROUND TO WRITING A BRAND NEW 'SHIPPER SURVEY!
Well, relatively speaking. This is for Season One, and for the classic fan-fave episode "Ice."
I mentioned before I started 'Shipper Surveys in Season Five, and never really got around to filling out more surveys for the earlier seasons like I should have. Especially since there's a slew of classic episodes that are heavy into the 'shipping. This is one of them.
Ice
1)The episode opens in a darkened lab. There are bodies everywhere. Wires pulled from sockets. Consoles smashed. Coffee cups left stacked in the lounge area. WILL NOONE CLEAN THE DISHES, YOU FIENDS? Your immediate response is:
A)Don't blog angry!
B)AND THEY WERE SERVING ONLY DECAF RAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEEEEEE!
C)Dammit, Fox, if you keep living like a slovenly bachelor, Dana will NEVER hold hands with you!
2)A crazed, blood-covered man sits in front of a working camera and utters “We are not... who we are! We are NOT... who we are!” He's then attacked by another survivor, and they body-slam each other through glass walls until they can separate and each grabs a gun. But rather than shoot each other, the two survivors slowly silently agree to raise their guns to their own heads and... DISCRETIONARY CUT TO A SNOWY EXTERIOR, showing us the lab is in a remote Arctic camp. You take this all in and say:
A)This is Season One! Does Chris Carter even have the budget to make a shapeshifting homage to John Carpenter's The Thing?
B)Did you see that dog? Yup. Gonna be a Thing. Did you see that lifeform in the kitchen sink? Yup. Thing. Did you see that guy with a flamethrower aiming for y... WHOA, HEY, MACREADY, I'M NOT INFECTED I'M NOT (fla-wwwwwwwoooooooosssssshhhhhhhhh)
C)Oooooh, this is gonna be one of those scary date movie type episodes! Quick, get the tea!
3)The FBI is sending a team of expendable warriors, uh a team of expendable scientists to the ice station to find out what happened. Among this team will be
You count six people and realize that most quests MUST start with seven people, so you're guessing the seventh person will be:
A)A trout supplier so Scully can slap everyone with fresh trout for their foolishness early and often.
B)An annoying teenage sidekick who'll guess about half the plot points during the episode and get thankfully killed off when he does something clearly stupid.
C)A priest so Dana and Fox can get married in a small quiet ceremony! Also, in case they need to perform an exorcism if this whole thing turns out to be demonic possession or something...
4)The team arrives to devastation and to an angry dog driven to an uncontrolled rage. He bites the pilot before they can subdue, and then they discover the dog is showing signs of infection with blistered skin and a... thing... wriggling just under the skin. When the pilot discovers while alone in the bathroom that he's got the same infection signs, he freaks. You:
A)Tell him that the sane and rational response is to warn the others, get quarantined and secured immediately, and hope they can develop a medical cure to save you.
B)Encourage him to do what every other stupid zombie infectee does in every horror movie ever: panic, tell nobody about it, and get ready to infect everybody else.
C)Wonder if Dana and Fox will share the bathroom later for a quick shower.
5)The early clues as to what happened in the lab point to the scientists unearthing something from ancient Earth history. They dug too greedily and too deep. Which tells you:
A)Balrog.
B)Aliens.
C)There's nothing 'Shippy about this revelation. Move along.
6)The pilot wants to leave right away even as the evidence is pointing to a biological infection, with Mulder arguing for the need to maintain quarantine. The pilot's anger gets the better of him and he starts attacking Mulder and then everybody else, leaving it to Scully to tackle him like a linebacker. They discover whatever was wriggling in the dog is now in the pilot. Where they didn't want to go poking into the dog, this time they go digging into the pilot. With hilarious results. You realize:
A)Scully could have done well in a Tampa-2 defensive scheme. GO BUCS.
B)Okay, cutting into a dog would be too heart-rending, but cutting into the human you need to fly you out? DIDN'T THINK THIS THROUGH DID YA?!
C)Dana made damn sure NOBODY beats up on her boyfriend! Uh, partner!
7)Okay, here's the situation. The pilot's dead. There's a storm shutting down all air traffic for three days. There's a clear worm infestation that can affect and kill people. There's a possibility more people might be infected as this transmits through body fluids and almost everybody got hit with fluids dealing with the dog and the pilot. Oh, and they're out of coffee. This can mean one thing:
A)NO COFFEE? RIOT!
B)NO COFFEE? RIOT!
C)Dana and Fox are just fine, they're cool. They don't need coffee. THEY DRINK TEA! Oh, wait, that's a future episode, I might be SPOILING things right about here...
8)The team decides they need to perform physical check-ups on each other to see if there's any signs of the skin blisters or the Rage worms. The guys segregate to one room while Scully and the female toxicologist go to another to check each other. As the guys strip for the check-up, Mulder quips “Before anyone passes judgment may I remind you we are in the Arctic.” You:
A)Trout-slap him for lack of confidence.
B)Rage at him for trying to joke during a serious problem. WE'RE ALL INFECTED YOU IDIOT WE ARE NOT WHO WE ARE AND... uh... um... wait, I need to keep it cool. No Rage worms, here, I sw (MacReady opens up with the flamethrower again)
C)FOX! Do not go around disappointing Dana like that!
9)Everyone finds a room to sleep in for the night. Locking doors and barricading the halls. Mulder leaves Scully alone to her room just before the shoves heavy furniture in front of it to make sure, you know. Your response?
A)Smart move, St. Scully.
B)What if the worms can climb through the air vents, EVER THINK OF THAT OH GOD OH NO NOOOOOOOO AAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEE... (MacReady's ever-trusty flamethrower flares up for another purge)
C)NOOOOOOOO They're not sharing a room NOOOOOOOOoooooooooo... So what if it's Season One? IT'S THE RIFT IT'S THE RIFT YOU DAMN NOROMOS (weeps) (gets char-broiled by MacReady)
10)The camera pans across the faces of each character. Nobody is sleeping. The geologist guy is listening to his favorite Chargers football game. The suspicious doctor is all suspicious. The normal toxicologist looks nervous. Scully is waiting. Mulder is thirsty. When Mulder decides to venture out to get a drink, you think to yourself:
A)Scully should have brought more Margarita mixes.
B)Wait. That geologist is a Chargers fan?! No wonder he's doomed!
C)Fox. Go check on Dana, she's clearly gonna be mixing up some Margaritas soon...
11)Mulder finds the stuffed-into-the-fridge body of (insert any comic book girlfriend), oh, okay bad taste, I apologize, the stuffed body of the geologist. Because he's acting a little freaked out – since he knows this means someone's infected with a Rage worm – the others jump to the conclusion that he's the one infected. When Scully – close to tears – admits “Mulder, you might not be who you are,” you know:
A)Scully's right. She's always right. So stand right there while she administers the cure (TROUT-SLAP).
B)Did anyone check to see if the front door was locked, because you know this is Alaska at night and there are Vampires and Wendigoes and Sasquatches all over the place and...
C)That Dana is crying up because she's worried her one-in-a-billion might be infected with Rage... sniff... (cries)
12)After locking Mulder into a closet as a quarantine method, Scully gets right to work on finding a cure, something to get the Rage worms out of a victim. This forces the remaining scientists to work with her because at this point being alone and out-of-view is not a good idea. Unfortunately, the pressure starts getting to the surviving team, and with tempers flaring you realize:
A)Everyone but Scully is infected. OKAY, TROUT-SLAPS FOR EVERYONE!
B)WE'RE NOT INFECTED WE'RE JUST DEALING WITH A LOT OF PRESSURE OVER HERE AND DAMMIT MACREADY PUT THAT FLAMETHROWER DOWN IT'S NOT HELPI (Fla-whooooooooossssssssshhhhhhhhhhh).
C)DANA LOVES FOX! YAY!
13)Scully notices that in separate jars the Rage worms want to attack each other, so she puts two of them into one jar to see their reaction. Through the use of incredibly poor CGI, the Rage worms head butt (or is that butt butt, these ARE worms) each other until death. Apparently the solution is to re-infect the infected. You respond with:
A)OF COURSE! IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!
B)Actually, no it doesn't make a lot of sense. Evolution doesn't work like that. Organisms evolve to coexist not compete, and it's self-defeating to destroy your own kind...
C)Unless the Rage worms, being able to mass-produce as a parasitic in host forms, found it favorable to their evolution to instill that rage to spread infection to more hosts! ...Wait, this isn't a 'Shipper answer, disregard! DISREGARD!
14)After testing the hypothesis on the Raged dog with success – the puppy stops being Mr. Bitey – they prepare the last Rage worm they've got on hand to “cure” Mulder. Scully asks for an opportunity to talk to Mulder first to explain what they're doing, so he wouldn't freak out. The remaining doctors say it's a bad idea. You say:
A)SCULLY KNOWS WHAT'S BEST! (Trout-slap)
B)It's a standard PLOT DEVICE IN HORROR MOVIES! SOMEONE TRIES TO TALK TO THE MONSTER! IT NEVER ENDS WELL! DON'T DO IT SCUL (MacReady lights up the flamethrower one more time)
C)SHUT UP DANA NEEDS SOME ALONE TIME WITH FOX (MacReady opens fire with, well, fire)
15)Scully finds Mulder sitting calm but still acting, well, spooky. Mulder points out he hasn't shown more homicidal rage. Scully mentions that the solution is to put another Rage worm in the victim to kill each other off inside the host. Mulder points out that doing that to a non-infectee is just going to spread the Rage worms and make it worse. You point out:
A)Dammit, Mulder, you always have to find a way to ruin a plan don't ya?
B)That if Mulder ever told the conspiracy people ruining his investigtions to “go stick it in your ear,” there's a layer of irony to this moment, just sayin'...
C)That now's the time for a quickie! Lock the closet door! What...?
16)Scully: “You're going to have to trust us.” Mulder: “I don't trust them. I want to trust you.” You:
A)Trust her then!
B)First, get her blood into a petri dish, then flame it, if a little head pokes up, it means she's a Thing! Ready that flamethrower, MacReady!
C)SQUUUEEEEEEEEEEE (note: if you haven't figured it out almost 20 years later, “Trust” is a sexier word than “Sex” to a 'Shipper)
17)Mulder allows Scully to examine his neck, where the Rage worm usually shows itself. After a few seconds of gentle caressing by Scully, all seems okay. When Scully turns around, Mulder roughly grabs her by the shoulders. With a manly growl, he leans in to nibble on her earlobe as Scully leans back and gushes “Oh my!” And then... and... and... what do you mean, those Harlequin romance novels are all exaggerated?
18)Seriously, Mulder takes his time to check Scully for Rage worm. He rubs... nay, caresses the back of her neck, slowly lowering the collar so he can caress down to the spot between the shoulder blades, ever so gentle with his fingers, and... and... okay, I think we're done with this 'Shipper Survey because I think five million 'Shippers just went into blissful comas.
19)Well, since I need to wrap this survey up, let's get to the final round: the other two ignore Scully's report that Mulder doesn't have worms, knock Scully out of the way, and try to hold Mulder down so they can stick it where the sun occasionally shines when Mulder tilts his head ever so. But during the struggle, the suspicious doctor notices the normal toxicologist has a wriggly Rage worm in her neck, meaning Mulder is normal (well, relatively speaking). The normal unassuming toxicologist, now the Infected One, goes on a rampage looking for a weapon to either fulfill her destiny or else find a way to spread her infected blood everywhere. Mulder knocks the gun away, and the three uninfected hold the toxicologist down long enough to drop the Rage worm in (that's still got to hurt the damn eardrum!) and help her calm down. Once that's all done, you:
A)Pour out another Margarita, have it named a Scullyrita in your honor, and get damn drunk 'cause you earned it!
B)Worry that there may be other worms out there, hiding in places like, oh, the headset to the dead Geologist's Walkman. (MacReady shows up, flamethrowers the Walkman) Well, it's outdated tech even for 1993, right?
C)Hope Dana and Fox can share that shower for a cool-down after all!
20)Back at base, Mulder wants to head back to the lab to do a more thorough examination for the Rage worms. The suspicious doctor warns him that he'd already heard from the military that the lab has been firebombed into ash. Mulder, enraged like he's got a Rage worm in him – nah, I kid – turns to Scully and gripes that “it's still out there buried under two-hundred-fifty thousand years of ice.” Scully ends the episode by say “Let it stay buried.” You end the episode by:
A)Serving more Scullyritas, the TRUE CURE for Rage worms!
B)Freaking out and GOING INTO A RAGE-INFESTED TANTRUM HOW DARE THEY NOT GIVE US A SEQUEL HOOK HOW D (MacReady uses his flamethrower one last time, lights a smoke) MacReady: “Maybe we shouldn't get rescued...”
C)Re-watching the neck-rubbing scene! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND... OH GOD I HOPE THEY HAVE STUFF LIKE THIS IN THE SERIES REBOOT!
If you more often than not answered:
A)Then you are a member of the Order of the Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic, wondering just where the hell everyone else has been the last 20 years. ARE ANY OF YOU STILL ALIVE?
B)Then you are human. You know you are. And you know some of the other survey takers are human too. Otherwise they'd all be jumping you, trying to turn you into a 'Shipper. WELL IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN! (flames up) (sets fire to all the Infected 'Shippers in the area)
C)Then you are a 'Shipper. You've been that way ever since the 'Shipper worm got into your ear back when you read Little Women in middle school. DAMMIT ALCOTT, YOU SHOULDA MARRIED JO TO LAURIE AND YOU KNOW IT... Ahem... now, BACK TO RE-WATCHING THE NECK RUB SCENE!
Well, relatively speaking. This is for Season One, and for the classic fan-fave episode "Ice."
I mentioned before I started 'Shipper Surveys in Season Five, and never really got around to filling out more surveys for the earlier seasons like I should have. Especially since there's a slew of classic episodes that are heavy into the 'shipping. This is one of them.
Ice
1)The episode opens in a darkened lab. There are bodies everywhere. Wires pulled from sockets. Consoles smashed. Coffee cups left stacked in the lounge area. WILL NOONE CLEAN THE DISHES, YOU FIENDS? Your immediate response is:
A)Don't blog angry!
B)AND THEY WERE SERVING ONLY DECAF RAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEEEEEE!
C)Dammit, Fox, if you keep living like a slovenly bachelor, Dana will NEVER hold hands with you!
2)A crazed, blood-covered man sits in front of a working camera and utters “We are not... who we are! We are NOT... who we are!” He's then attacked by another survivor, and they body-slam each other through glass walls until they can separate and each grabs a gun. But rather than shoot each other, the two survivors slowly silently agree to raise their guns to their own heads and... DISCRETIONARY CUT TO A SNOWY EXTERIOR, showing us the lab is in a remote Arctic camp. You take this all in and say:
A)This is Season One! Does Chris Carter even have the budget to make a shapeshifting homage to John Carpenter's The Thing?
B)Did you see that dog? Yup. Gonna be a Thing. Did you see that lifeform in the kitchen sink? Yup. Thing. Did you see that guy with a flamethrower aiming for y... WHOA, HEY, MACREADY, I'M NOT INFECTED I'M NOT (fla-wwwwwwwoooooooosssssshhhhhhhhh)
C)Oooooh, this is gonna be one of those scary date movie type episodes! Quick, get the tea!
3)The FBI is sending a team of expendable warriors, uh a team of expendable scientists to the ice station to find out what happened. Among this team will be
- MULDER!
- SCULLY!
- The quirky geologist with a love of pro football who'll be one of the obvious guys to die early!
- A suspicious-acting doctor who'll conflict with Scully over the medical stuff often enough to make things worse!
- A normal-looking woman toxicologist who will clearly be unimportant to the story's resolution!
- A bossy transporter – this time an angry airplane pilot – who'll be the first infected because it'll isolate everybody in a dangerous deathtrap for the whole episode!
You count six people and realize that most quests MUST start with seven people, so you're guessing the seventh person will be:
A)A trout supplier so Scully can slap everyone with fresh trout for their foolishness early and often.
B)An annoying teenage sidekick who'll guess about half the plot points during the episode and get thankfully killed off when he does something clearly stupid.
C)A priest so Dana and Fox can get married in a small quiet ceremony! Also, in case they need to perform an exorcism if this whole thing turns out to be demonic possession or something...
4)The team arrives to devastation and to an angry dog driven to an uncontrolled rage. He bites the pilot before they can subdue, and then they discover the dog is showing signs of infection with blistered skin and a... thing... wriggling just under the skin. When the pilot discovers while alone in the bathroom that he's got the same infection signs, he freaks. You:
A)Tell him that the sane and rational response is to warn the others, get quarantined and secured immediately, and hope they can develop a medical cure to save you.
B)Encourage him to do what every other stupid zombie infectee does in every horror movie ever: panic, tell nobody about it, and get ready to infect everybody else.
C)Wonder if Dana and Fox will share the bathroom later for a quick shower.
5)The early clues as to what happened in the lab point to the scientists unearthing something from ancient Earth history. They dug too greedily and too deep. Which tells you:
A)Balrog.
B)Aliens.
C)There's nothing 'Shippy about this revelation. Move along.
6)The pilot wants to leave right away even as the evidence is pointing to a biological infection, with Mulder arguing for the need to maintain quarantine. The pilot's anger gets the better of him and he starts attacking Mulder and then everybody else, leaving it to Scully to tackle him like a linebacker. They discover whatever was wriggling in the dog is now in the pilot. Where they didn't want to go poking into the dog, this time they go digging into the pilot. With hilarious results. You realize:
A)Scully could have done well in a Tampa-2 defensive scheme. GO BUCS.
B)Okay, cutting into a dog would be too heart-rending, but cutting into the human you need to fly you out? DIDN'T THINK THIS THROUGH DID YA?!
C)Dana made damn sure NOBODY beats up on her boyfriend! Uh, partner!
7)Okay, here's the situation. The pilot's dead. There's a storm shutting down all air traffic for three days. There's a clear worm infestation that can affect and kill people. There's a possibility more people might be infected as this transmits through body fluids and almost everybody got hit with fluids dealing with the dog and the pilot. Oh, and they're out of coffee. This can mean one thing:
A)NO COFFEE? RIOT!
B)NO COFFEE? RIOT!
C)Dana and Fox are just fine, they're cool. They don't need coffee. THEY DRINK TEA! Oh, wait, that's a future episode, I might be SPOILING things right about here...
8)The team decides they need to perform physical check-ups on each other to see if there's any signs of the skin blisters or the Rage worms. The guys segregate to one room while Scully and the female toxicologist go to another to check each other. As the guys strip for the check-up, Mulder quips “Before anyone passes judgment may I remind you we are in the Arctic.” You:
A)Trout-slap him for lack of confidence.
B)Rage at him for trying to joke during a serious problem. WE'RE ALL INFECTED YOU IDIOT WE ARE NOT WHO WE ARE AND... uh... um... wait, I need to keep it cool. No Rage worms, here, I sw (MacReady opens up with the flamethrower again)
C)FOX! Do not go around disappointing Dana like that!
9)Everyone finds a room to sleep in for the night. Locking doors and barricading the halls. Mulder leaves Scully alone to her room just before the shoves heavy furniture in front of it to make sure, you know. Your response?
A)Smart move, St. Scully.
B)What if the worms can climb through the air vents, EVER THINK OF THAT OH GOD OH NO NOOOOOOOO AAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEE... (MacReady's ever-trusty flamethrower flares up for another purge)
C)NOOOOOOOO They're not sharing a room NOOOOOOOOoooooooooo... So what if it's Season One? IT'S THE RIFT IT'S THE RIFT YOU DAMN NOROMOS (weeps) (gets char-broiled by MacReady)
10)The camera pans across the faces of each character. Nobody is sleeping. The geologist guy is listening to his favorite Chargers football game. The suspicious doctor is all suspicious. The normal toxicologist looks nervous. Scully is waiting. Mulder is thirsty. When Mulder decides to venture out to get a drink, you think to yourself:
A)Scully should have brought more Margarita mixes.
B)Wait. That geologist is a Chargers fan?! No wonder he's doomed!
C)Fox. Go check on Dana, she's clearly gonna be mixing up some Margaritas soon...
11)Mulder finds the stuffed-into-the-fridge body of (insert any comic book girlfriend), oh, okay bad taste, I apologize, the stuffed body of the geologist. Because he's acting a little freaked out – since he knows this means someone's infected with a Rage worm – the others jump to the conclusion that he's the one infected. When Scully – close to tears – admits “Mulder, you might not be who you are,” you know:
A)Scully's right. She's always right. So stand right there while she administers the cure (TROUT-SLAP).
B)Did anyone check to see if the front door was locked, because you know this is Alaska at night and there are Vampires and Wendigoes and Sasquatches all over the place and...
C)That Dana is crying up because she's worried her one-in-a-billion might be infected with Rage... sniff... (cries)
12)After locking Mulder into a closet as a quarantine method, Scully gets right to work on finding a cure, something to get the Rage worms out of a victim. This forces the remaining scientists to work with her because at this point being alone and out-of-view is not a good idea. Unfortunately, the pressure starts getting to the surviving team, and with tempers flaring you realize:
A)Everyone but Scully is infected. OKAY, TROUT-SLAPS FOR EVERYONE!
B)WE'RE NOT INFECTED WE'RE JUST DEALING WITH A LOT OF PRESSURE OVER HERE AND DAMMIT MACREADY PUT THAT FLAMETHROWER DOWN IT'S NOT HELPI (Fla-whooooooooossssssssshhhhhhhhhhh).
C)DANA LOVES FOX! YAY!
13)Scully notices that in separate jars the Rage worms want to attack each other, so she puts two of them into one jar to see their reaction. Through the use of incredibly poor CGI, the Rage worms head butt (or is that butt butt, these ARE worms) each other until death. Apparently the solution is to re-infect the infected. You respond with:
A)OF COURSE! IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!
B)Actually, no it doesn't make a lot of sense. Evolution doesn't work like that. Organisms evolve to coexist not compete, and it's self-defeating to destroy your own kind...
C)Unless the Rage worms, being able to mass-produce as a parasitic in host forms, found it favorable to their evolution to instill that rage to spread infection to more hosts! ...Wait, this isn't a 'Shipper answer, disregard! DISREGARD!
14)After testing the hypothesis on the Raged dog with success – the puppy stops being Mr. Bitey – they prepare the last Rage worm they've got on hand to “cure” Mulder. Scully asks for an opportunity to talk to Mulder first to explain what they're doing, so he wouldn't freak out. The remaining doctors say it's a bad idea. You say:
A)SCULLY KNOWS WHAT'S BEST! (Trout-slap)
B)It's a standard PLOT DEVICE IN HORROR MOVIES! SOMEONE TRIES TO TALK TO THE MONSTER! IT NEVER ENDS WELL! DON'T DO IT SCUL (MacReady lights up the flamethrower one more time)
C)SHUT UP DANA NEEDS SOME ALONE TIME WITH FOX (MacReady opens fire with, well, fire)
15)Scully finds Mulder sitting calm but still acting, well, spooky. Mulder points out he hasn't shown more homicidal rage. Scully mentions that the solution is to put another Rage worm in the victim to kill each other off inside the host. Mulder points out that doing that to a non-infectee is just going to spread the Rage worms and make it worse. You point out:
A)Dammit, Mulder, you always have to find a way to ruin a plan don't ya?
B)That if Mulder ever told the conspiracy people ruining his investigtions to “go stick it in your ear,” there's a layer of irony to this moment, just sayin'...
C)That now's the time for a quickie! Lock the closet door! What...?
16)Scully: “You're going to have to trust us.” Mulder: “I don't trust them. I want to trust you.” You:
A)Trust her then!
B)First, get her blood into a petri dish, then flame it, if a little head pokes up, it means she's a Thing! Ready that flamethrower, MacReady!
C)SQUUUEEEEEEEEEEE (note: if you haven't figured it out almost 20 years later, “Trust” is a sexier word than “Sex” to a 'Shipper)
17)Mulder allows Scully to examine his neck, where the Rage worm usually shows itself. After a few seconds of gentle caressing by Scully, all seems okay. When Scully turns around, Mulder roughly grabs her by the shoulders. With a manly growl, he leans in to nibble on her earlobe as Scully leans back and gushes “Oh my!” And then... and... and... what do you mean, those Harlequin romance novels are all exaggerated?
 |
| for some reason I cannot find an animated GIF or YouTube clip of this scene. This is all you get, 'Shippers. Let your imaginations do the rest... |
19)Well, since I need to wrap this survey up, let's get to the final round: the other two ignore Scully's report that Mulder doesn't have worms, knock Scully out of the way, and try to hold Mulder down so they can stick it where the sun occasionally shines when Mulder tilts his head ever so. But during the struggle, the suspicious doctor notices the normal toxicologist has a wriggly Rage worm in her neck, meaning Mulder is normal (well, relatively speaking). The normal unassuming toxicologist, now the Infected One, goes on a rampage looking for a weapon to either fulfill her destiny or else find a way to spread her infected blood everywhere. Mulder knocks the gun away, and the three uninfected hold the toxicologist down long enough to drop the Rage worm in (that's still got to hurt the damn eardrum!) and help her calm down. Once that's all done, you:
A)Pour out another Margarita, have it named a Scullyrita in your honor, and get damn drunk 'cause you earned it!
B)Worry that there may be other worms out there, hiding in places like, oh, the headset to the dead Geologist's Walkman. (MacReady shows up, flamethrowers the Walkman) Well, it's outdated tech even for 1993, right?
C)Hope Dana and Fox can share that shower for a cool-down after all!
20)Back at base, Mulder wants to head back to the lab to do a more thorough examination for the Rage worms. The suspicious doctor warns him that he'd already heard from the military that the lab has been firebombed into ash. Mulder, enraged like he's got a Rage worm in him – nah, I kid – turns to Scully and gripes that “it's still out there buried under two-hundred-fifty thousand years of ice.” Scully ends the episode by say “Let it stay buried.” You end the episode by:
A)Serving more Scullyritas, the TRUE CURE for Rage worms!
B)Freaking out and GOING INTO A RAGE-INFESTED TANTRUM HOW DARE THEY NOT GIVE US A SEQUEL HOOK HOW D (MacReady uses his flamethrower one last time, lights a smoke) MacReady: “Maybe we shouldn't get rescued...”
C)Re-watching the neck-rubbing scene! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND... OH GOD I HOPE THEY HAVE STUFF LIKE THIS IN THE SERIES REBOOT!
If you more often than not answered:
A)Then you are a member of the Order of the Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic, wondering just where the hell everyone else has been the last 20 years. ARE ANY OF YOU STILL ALIVE?
B)Then you are human. You know you are. And you know some of the other survey takers are human too. Otherwise they'd all be jumping you, trying to turn you into a 'Shipper. WELL IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN! (flames up) (sets fire to all the Infected 'Shippers in the area)
C)Then you are a 'Shipper. You've been that way ever since the 'Shipper worm got into your ear back when you read Little Women in middle school. DAMMIT ALCOTT, YOU SHOULDA MARRIED JO TO LAURIE AND YOU KNOW IT... Ahem... now, BACK TO RE-WATCHING THE NECK RUB SCENE!
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