Sunday, April 12, 2015

The X-Files: Squeeze 'Shipper Survey

Now, back to the Season One madness:


1) The episode begins with your average corporate hack stumbling off to some overtime work at his office, with an eerie set of eyes following him from the sewers. Later, the same guy carrying his cup of coffee gets ripped to shreds behind the closed (and violently battered) office door. As the air vent is spookily screwed back into place from inside the vent, you realize:

A) That there's no way Scully is getting coffee for the Punk this episode

B) That it's too late for the victim to switch to decaf

C) That an episode beginning with Fox and Dana at a picnic would be nicer and less stressful

2) Scully is having a power lunch with Tom Colton, a fellow who graduated with her from the Academy. They rag on a fellow grad (whom Scully nicknamed "J. Edgar Junior") who "lucked" into a promotion. Then Colton rags on Scully's being on the X-Files, asking her if she wants to help on his case involving some grisly liver-eating murders in Baltimore and thus escape being "Mrs. Spooky" for the rest of her life. As she slowly contemplates her place in the universe, you wonder if:

A) Scully is going to trout-slap Colton for being such a jerk

B) Scully got all her fashion tips from her old bud J. Edgar Junior

C) Dana is willing to change her last name to "Spooky" since most professional women keep their maiden names nowadays

(note: Colton is played by Donal Logue, who's currently playing one of my new favorite characters over on my current fan-obsession show Gotham. One of the reasons I *like* Gotham is because Logue is nailing it as the ethically-challenged and sarcastically-gifted Harvey Bullock, and I knew him from this episode, so there's your trivia for the day.)

3) Scully shows up at the crime scene, with Mulder tagging along whining about her being asked to show and not him. Scully tries to calm him down by pointing out Colton's an old friend and that, yes, some agents are unnerved that Mulder's ideas are... "Spooky?" Mulder finishes, then quietly whispers "Do you think I'm Spooky?" You want Scully to answer:

A) "Yes. Now go get me a bagel with real cream cheese while I solve the case."

B) "Gee, I always kinda pictured you as Sneezy..."

C) "Yes...but I LOVE that aboot guys..." (grabs him) (gives him a big smooch)

4) Colton deridingly asks Mulder if "Little Green Men" were responsible, letting Mulder dig back with aliens actually being grey, due to the lack of iron in their diet ("Do you know how much liver and onions go for on Reticula?") . While Scully stands to one side pursing her lips and rolling her eyes, you:

A) Know the Blessed One is patiently waiting to get back to the basement before trout-slapping the Punk for making her roll her eyes like that

B) Curse NAFTA for not lowering the export costs of liver and onions

C) Wish Dana's lips were on Fox's (deeeeeep sigh)

5) Mulder comes away from the murder scene with an elongated fingerprint, which leads to X-File cases going back as far as 1903 with 30-year intervals. Even though he finds no evidence of alien involvement he still wants to claim the case away from Colton. Scully warns him about inter-office politics and that he's down in the basement because of it. As Mulder points out she's in the basement with him, you:

A) Want to blurt out a comment about her needing a desk if she's down in the basement, but you remember that this survey's after the "The End" fire and that she's more than likely got the desk by now, but knowing government bureaucracy she doesn't have a chair to go with it, those BASTIDS...

B) Wonder how anyone can have 10-inch fingers and not get an appearance on that godawful "Guinness Book" show on FOX Network...

C) Thank GOD that Dana and Fox ARE in the basement because it's a great place for them to have wild passionate sex and not let the Bureau wags hear about it...

6) Scully submits her own evaluation of the case, suggesting that they stake out the earlier crime scenes because serial killers usually return to re-live the thrill of the kill. Waiting in the car lot, she hears a noise and nervously pulls out her gun, slowly moving closer to the sound of footsteps as...Mulder steps out offering sunflower seeds and the admonition that the serial killer won't return. You shout:

A) "Shoot the Punk! He scared the *bleep* out of you!..."

B) "Keep it up, Mulder, and she'll hurt you like that beast woman from Episode Five coming up two weeks from now!"

C) "Dammit, Fox, don't offer seeds, offer an engagement ring!"

7) Walking away, Mulder hears noises of his own and gets Scully. They catch a guy climbing out of the air vent system. As other agents drag the guy off and as Mulder openly confesses "You were right, Scully," you:

A) Shout a hearty "Finally, he admits the Blessed One is RIGHT!" and drink a toast to the Skeptic Saint's moral victory

B) Wonder why there were so many agents in the basement and not one of them caught Mulder sneaking in, I mean, for crying out loud, he chews his sunflower seeds so loudly and all!...

C) Know now that Fox will later re-pay Dana for a job well done with a nice bottle of red wine and an offer of a gentle soothing neck rub...<sigh>

8) They learn that the guy is Victor Eugene Tooms, working for Baltimore's Animal Control and that he had a reason to be in the vents. The polygraph operator asks him two weird questions, especially one about Tooms being over a hundred years old. Colton and his supervisor get peeved at Mulder for that, even though Tooms lied on those questions and proved Mulder's theory of a hibernating liver-eating serial killer. As Colton chews out Scully for letting Spooky go too far, you:

A) Want Scully to use her mastery of the Force to choke Colton for his lack of faith

B) Want Mulder to take his shoes off and rub his socks under Colton's nose

C) Want Dana and Fox to wait until the room empties before cleaning off the table and getting in a quickie (pant) (pant)

9) Scully questions Mulder why he was so eager to push his theory when he knew perfectly well that the jerks in Violent Crimes wouldn't even listen. Mulder first points out that he believes Scully got the right perp, then brings up the point that having dealt with such closed-minded people that "the need to mess with their heads outweighs the millstone of humiliation." He grabs Scully's cross, adding that he knows she thinks he's Spooky too but at least she respects the journey, and if she wants to keep working with them, he'll understand. As Scully stands there, making a quick personal decision, you:

A) Wonder why Scully hasn't figured out what to do with her hair yet

B) Realize that Mulder has spent his whole life waiting to say the word "millstone"

C) Hope that Dana is thinking about (deleted to protect younger viewers) Fox and (additional material deleted, but sufficed to say it involves rope, a Wonder Woman outfit, and a month's supply of whipped cream)

10) As Mulder and Scully use advanced computer technology to discover that Tooms' fingerprint, when elongated, matches the fingerprints left from the earlier crime sprees, Tooms locates another victim and we watch as he ssssttttreetches himself to fit down the chimney. As victim number four screams for dear life, you ponder:

A) If Scully can whup Mulder's butt at Doom II

B) If the scene with the chimney would have worked better if the victim had succeeded in lighting the fireplace and sending Tooms off like a rocket like in those Tex Avery cartoons

C) If Dana can whup Fox's butt at Doom II...hey, just because there's UST doesn't mean they can't go head-to-head on video games!...

11) Colton is getting desperate to break the case, but the last thing he needs is Mulder to show up spouting more weird stuff. When he bitches to Scully, "Whose side are you on?" Scully replies, "The victim's." You respond to this by:

A) Trout-slapping that Colton voodoo doll you made in Shop in honor of the Blessed One's moral victory.

B) Basking in the knowledge that Mulder can now enter the crime scene and mess with the heads of the unsuspecting Baltimore police officers too

C) Making sure Colton doesn't get an invitation to Dana and Fox's wedding

12) Mulder and Scully finally make their way to Tooms' lair, crawling deeper and deeper into a pit of hell where they find the stolen "trophies" the serial killer took from the crime scenes. They also find that he's making a "cocoon," preparing to hibernate again for another 30 years. As Mulder does his best to wipe Tooms' bile from his fingers, you do your best to:

A) Remind the Blessed Skeptic to slap on the rubber gloves next time so the Punk can keep his manicure clean...the wuss...

B) Find the secret areas in this pit of hell so you can move to the Boss level in Doom II with the BFG and bonus health packs

C) Hope that Dana will take Fox back to her place to clean off that bile...and then open a bottle of wine and talk about, wait, that'll save until Season Four...

13) Mulder and Scully try to establish some surveillance on Tooms' pit, but Scully finds to her horror that Colton has gone over their heads and called off the extra detail. Scully chews him out for it, but he thinks it's his way of climbing up the professional ladder. She replies, "I can't wait for you to fall off and land on your ass!" As she storms out, you:

A) Trout-slap that Colton doll again and place him next to your other voodoo dolls Phoebe, Dr. Bambi, Det. White, Marita, Spender, and Fowley

B) Know that Scully wanted to say (many and varied expletives deleted) because she DOES come from a Navy family, but this is before "South Park" was even though of, so the censors weren't about to go for that...

C) Know that Dana is rushing off to find Fox to warn him of Colton's treachery and to ask if he's gotten around to placing on order on an engagement ring (hopeful sigh)

14) Mulder finds out on his own the surveillance is gone, and when he goes back to the pit he finds Scully's cross, indicating Tooms' next target. As he races off to save her, Scully has come back to her apartment and is preparing to draw a good warm bath after her chewing out of Colton. However, a convenient drop of bile onto her arm signals that Tooms is in da house and she scrambles for her gun. As Tooms strikes out at her from beyond the grate (bad pun intentionally inserted) and as Mulder races to the rescue, you:

A) Know perfectly well that Scully will have beaten Tooms to a pulp, have him handcuffed, Miranda-ed, and shoved into a microwave oven like a devil doll before the Punk can even try to kick the door down

B) Wonder why Scully doesn't pop out a can of "Die!Flea!Die!" and spray into all the vents, getting Tooms with toxic warfare...oh, right, she won't get Queequeg until Season Three...

C) Wish Dana and Fox can shove Tooms into the nearest closet so they can both jump into the bathtub and, uh, clean up...

15) The case is solved. Tooms is locked up, Scully is ready to start some tests on his genetic setup, and Mulder waxes poetic on the fate of all mankind (or at least on our home security devices). As our intrepid heroes exit stage left, you:

A) Ponder which saint that Scully has to pray to in order to protect her home from liver-eating mutants that can crawl through narrow air vents

B) Ponder why Mulder worries about other people's home security when his own place is regularly broken into, wiretapped, covertly watched, and stuffed with expired orange juice...Dude, fix the lock on your own door, okay?!?!

C) Ponder why Dana and Fox don't use this as an excuse to move in with each other into a beautiful two-story home with all the bells and whistles like couples always do in all these sitcoms on NBC

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an acolyte of the OBSSE who's horrified that the Saint didn't notice her cross was missing

B) Then you are an X-Phile who spent too much time playing Doom II and is now wasting time playing Quake II and who will most likely be playing (insert future Id Game Title here) when Season 12 rolls around (Note: actually, by 2004 it was City of Heroes, sigh)

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who knows already that Dana and Fox let that food slot door stay open so Tooms can escape for a sequel and give them a chance to sit in a car talking about tea, love, root beer, and fate...(deeeeeeeep sigh)

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