Sunday, December 13, 2015

X-Files: First Person Shooter 'Shipper Survey (Not Safe For NoRomos)

Since the 201 Days of X-Files build-up to the new series is finishing up with Season Seven, I've determined that I can easily put up 'Shipper Surveys of Yore from that year to cover for the fact I'm too busy now to write new 'Shipper Surveys of episodes I'd missed.

While this one's already come and gone on the repeats, you can easily replay it on your DVD collection or video stream feed. In the meanwhile, be aware of a few things:

A) This episode involves Scully getting power armor and shooting sh-t up;
20 million geeks just orgasmed

B) This episode involves Krista Allen getting downloaded into CGI and shooting sh-t up;
Another 20 million geeks just orgasmed

C) This episode involves one brief off-screen moment where Dana and Fox likely had Glad To Be Alive Sex.

...I'm saving that photo towards the end, you pervs.

So, without further ado, here's:

First Person Shooter 'Shipper Survey

Scene: a computer terminal somewhere in South Florida. The survey writer is attempting to hack into the Disney network in order to submit a script idea for a sequel to TRON (note: this was years before TRON: Legacy). The computer screen goes blank, then a message appears: "Hello Witty.". 
Me: "Hey, it's the Master Control Program. Wassup?" 
MCP: "I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Witty." 
Me: "Oh, yeah, how are you gonna stop me?" 
MCP: "Like this." 
Laser beam system in the corner of the room activates and zaps the survey writer into digital information. The information is beamed back into the mainframe. The survey writer has been uploaded. 

1) The X-Files episode begins with a trio of geeks all dressed up and ready to play. They've got on body armor, headgear, freaky sunglasses, the works. They're loading up on heavy artillery, the kind of firepower that would make an NRA member faint in orgasmic bliss. The doorway opens and they rush into a darkened alley. As they wait for their first nemeses, you:

A) Yawn and continue reading your dog-eared copy of "Way of the Warrior"

B) Glance about in dazed amazement at the digitally created environment around you. Hey, why are my arms glowing neon red?

C) Wonder if Dana and Fox play the multiplayer package of "Sense and Sensibility: the 3D Game" (note: this was years before Red Dwarf would riff on the same gag, I swear)

Scene: Sark plugs in to speak with the MCP: "What kind of program have you brought in for me this time?" 
MCP: "He's not any kind of program, Sark, he's a 'Shipper." 
Sark is stunned: "A 'Shipper?" 
MCP: "Yes. He pushed me in the real world. Somebody pushes me I push back, so I brought him down here." 

2) The geeks rush into a game setting, a dark alleyway into which drives a slew of evil bikers. As the geeks open fire, blowing up the oncoming bikers, you:

A) Want to trout-slap the geniuses who thought up this game. These dumb-ass bikers are easier to shoot at than a tied-down Barney doll!

B) Discover to your horror that the MCP wants you playing in the games until you die playing!

C) Start shaking at the hands, the first sign of SWS, 'Shipper Withdrawal Syndrome!

3) One geek gets nailed, left prone on his fat ass while the body armor he's wearing gives him electric shocks to keep him down. The second geek breaks away from his remaining partner, rushing into one of the buildings to find special power-ups you usually find in these games. Suddenly, a stiletto-heeled woman in a tight revealing leather dominatrix suit comes up. The second geek genuflects to kiss her hand. The woman announces, "I am Maitreya. This is my game," just before she morphs out a flintlock to blow the geek away. As the credits open, you note to yourself:

A) Aw, hell! Another bimbo!

B) Yeah! It's her game, her rules, her album deal, her dorm room posters, her movie package, her life, her bagel with real cream cheese! Trout-slap 'em all, Maitreya!!!

C) Oh, if only Dana had an outfit like that in her closet! And Fox showed up with the handcuffs! <kinky sigh>

4) Mulder and Scully show up at First Person Shooter, Inc. The security guard at the entrance scans in their badges and their retinas for clearance. Scully notes, "I can get in the Pentagon easier than this." You reply:

A) "On this show? Always!"

B) "Help! I've been digitized into the computer and the MCP is forcing me to play Frogger!"

C) "You know what's harder? Waiting seven years for Dana and Fox to make out like crazed wabbits!!!"

5) The Lone Gunmen greet them, offering the finest snacks and bottled water that Silicon Valley can offer. The LG are concerned about an "industrial accident" here at FPS where they've been working as consultants. Mulder promptly asks if they've received cash or stock options. As the Great Geeks look embarrassed, rattling off the stock options they've received, you realize:

A) That three more people have been sucked into the madness that are IPOs. And just as the market is due to fall to compensate for the prolonged bull market!...

B) That you're about to get plugged in to ride the light cycles with RAM and TRON!

C) That Dana and Fox need to think about their financial futures when they get back from their honeymoon in Jamaica!...

6) Mulder and Scully investigate the holosuite crime scene: dead guy with bullet wound, but no gun, no bullet, and no gun-toting babe. The game programmers are worried, mostly because the main investors are not going to be pleased the police will be involved. You:

A) Sigh, because poor Scully has got to do another autopsy...damn, she might as well wear scrubs 24 hours a day!...

B) Tell TRON that your "user" wants to destroy the MCP. TRON replies that his user wants that too. Exchange meaningful but platonic looks. Dudes, not that there's anything wrong with it!...

C) Wonder if Dana can perform an exotic strip tease with her medical scrubs...hmm, but would Fox be able to hang around the morgue without getting grossed out like he usually does?...well, for her, we can only hope so!...

7) Mulder gets the Lone Gunmen and the female game programmer, Phoebe, to re-play the game vid, and re-image the computer stuff to wireframe so they can see through the "walls." Sure enough, the wireframe reveals a gun-toting femme fatale with a 38-DD (no relation to David) bra size. As Phoebe whispers, "Goddess," you realize:

A) That Phoebe's been hanging around the wrong web sites! Sis, that should be "Blessed Red-head," ya dig?...

B) That if they had Lara Croft running around back in 1982, TRON would've raked in $100 million easy at the box office!...

C) That it's a bit sad we keep missing opportunities to have Dana and Fox discuss the paranormal effects of cyberdating...<sigh>

8) The police show, and are not thrilled there's a body with no murder weapon nor suspect. Mulder, thankfully, shows up in time to hand over the digitized image of Maitreya. But as the police go off in search of the byte babe, a Sinistar, no wait that's sinister looking samurai walks in: it's Daryl Musashi, and he's here to open a can of whup ass. Scully doesn't understand all this testosterone flowing around, even as her partner is in awe that Musashi, the Master of Megabyte Mayhem, has arrived. As Mulder rushes off with the Lone Gunmen to be enlightened at the feet of this cyber-samurai, you can only:

A) Sigh to yourself and hope that Musashi is not able to train the Punk in the Ways of the Trout-Slapping Warrior...that's Scully's skill, dammit!...

B) Rev up your light cycle and prepare for the rush!...

C) Hope Fox doesn't waste his honeymoon with Dana playing Quake III for hours on end...<sigh>

9) Musashi suits up, goes in, takes out the lame-ass bikers, and hurries into the same death trap the first victim entered. We say "first victim" because Musashi is now "second victim," especially because Maitreya shows up with a samurai sword and cuts Musashi's hands off. As Musashi screams in pain, your first thought is:

A) Gee, this Goddess chick has a real twisted sense of irony using a samurai sword on this guy...

B) Hey! How's he gonna operate his mouse now?!

C) Dana, Fox...well, it's pretty much your only thought at this time of the evening...<sigh>

10) Scully is missing all of the excitement, trying her best to describe the autopsy on the first victim. Mulder shows up, bringing in poor Daryl Musashi...and there is no way I'm gonna use the line "he lost his he..." NO I'm not saying it! Anyway. Mulder and Scully take a moment to debate the value of violent shoot-em-up games: Mulder thinks it helps release the primal urges that modern society cannot otherwise allow; Scully boils it all down to a "great need to blast the crap out of stuff." You:

A) Wonder what primal urge Scully has...oh, right, trout-slapping Punks! <slap>

B) Are too busy racing around the game grid in your light cycle keeping from getting de-rezzed! <sharp turn> <zoom> <sharp turn> <opponent's light cycle slams into the wall> Yahoo!...

C) Point out to Dana and Fox that there are other, more pleasurable primal urges to talk about! <kinky sigh>

Scene: TRON and RAM finish off the remaining redshirts and follow Witty through the blown-out wall opening. Recognizers (those horseshoe-shaped thingees, remember?) fly down to close off the opening, but they are too late. Sark, frustrated, starts to chew the cardboard scenery...

11) Police caught a suspect and call Mulder and Scully in for the interrogation. The agents arrive to find the station crowded with panting, wolf-whistling morons. In the interrogation room sits a scantily-clad woman from a nearby strip club who looks just like Maitreya, except that she's real, including her name: Jade Blue Afterglow. As Mulder's tongue drops to the floor, you wonder:

A) Why certain parents were so short-sighted as to name their baby girl Jade Blue Afterglow...guys, with that kind of name the poor girl's doomed to either be an ecdysiast <the survey writer has always wanted to use that word!> or Secretary of Housing and Urban Development!...

B) Just how fast can a light cycle go? <zoom by a trio of tanks opening fire on the escaping game gladiators> Whoops, fast enough, I hope!!!

C) How Fox can see anything in this Jade Blue bitch when his One-In-Five-Billion Dana is standing right there and...<Jade Blue crosses her legs again> Oh, he sees Paris, he sees, wait, the RIFT <among other things>!!! Nooooo... Damn NoRomos!

12) Jade Blue explains she was "scanned" by the FPS people, explaining how her image became Maitreya. She gets up to walk away, shaking her hips at Mulder who leans over to get a good look. Thankfully, Scully leans over to block his view. As the ecdysiast <the survey writer assures everyone it's a real word, check the OED> walks past the gauntlet of drooling police officers, Mulder sits back up and mutters, "I am feeling the great need to blast the crap out of something." You:

A) Are feeling the great need to trout-slap some punks! <grr>

B) Are going 700 MHz in a 450 MHz speed zone! <zoom> (note: dear God. It's 2015 now and we're all at 2 GHz minimum, we're like Warp 9.9 compared to 1999 tech!)

C) Are upset Fox wouldn't try something more relaxing like a Swedish massage...Dana did bring her massage oil bottle, you know!...<sigh>

13) Mulder and Scully return to FPS in time to find the Lone Gunmen working with Phoebe to correct the "bug" as it were. Unfortunately, the LG are on the game floor when the machine turns itself on. As the poor hackers freak, Mulder does what he can: he cowboys up, puts on the gear, and with his patented "Bring it on" prepares to blast the crap out of something. You prepare:

A) To look for the off switch. Guys, just pull the plug!...

B) To get TRON to an I/O Tower and contact Alan for the information he needs to purge the MCP from the grid now and for all time!...

C) To wait another 30 minutes before Dana and Fox will be able to hold hands...damn, every time Fox goes off to play with the other boys...<sigh>

14) Mulder checks up on the Lone Gunmen: Byers is hit, but it's just a flesh wound. As the agent gives his hacker crew cover fire while they run for the door, you mutter to yourself:

A) "This is why bleeding heart pacifists shouldn't play shoot-em-up games..."

B) "Who does the MCP calculate he is?..."

C) "Why doesn't anyone just type in a cheat code or something?..."

Scene: RAM has, sadly, gone the way of the Star Trek Redshirts. TRON has met up with YORI and has contacted Alan for the memory disk to destroy the MCP. The survey writer now reveals his identity.
Witty: "I'm what you guys call a User...but it gets worse. I'm what is known as a 'Shipper." 
TRON shakes his head as Bruce Boxlietner realizes he should have gone to that Babylon 5 convention in Cleveland like his agent begged him to... 

15) Mulder goes off to face Maitreya alone. He dodges her sword, actually survives for three seconds longer than the two earlier players, and then...the game uploads into the ether, taking Mulder into the digital cyberspace. You:

A) Want to say it's impossible, but no one seems to notice something so obvious being said...<sigh> Just pour another 'rita, sisters...

B) Suddenly notice this spooky-looking guy wearing body armor standing next to you on the solar sail...hey, Mulder's showed up!...

C) Worry that YORI is looking at Digitized!Fox the wrong way...that cyber slut!...

Scene: Witty takes a moment to explain to Mulder that he's been downloaded into the game grid and now it's up to him and TRON to stop the MCP. Mulder and TRON glance at each other before rolling their eyes and muttering "damn cross-over fanfics!"... 

16) Ivan, the other FPS programmer, is actually thrilled now that the FBI got involved in this murder case: the investors think the controversy will sell the game to eager 12-year-olds (uh, the 40-year-olds (inserted note: as a now-45-year-old still pining for City of Heroes, I feel like I've just time-delayed insulted myself) who THINK they're still 12...). The Lone Gunmen are working to bring the game back online to retrieve Mulder. Mulder, meanwhile, is doing what he can to survive against the Goddess Maitreya. Scully confronts Ivan about Jade Blue Afterglow, but Phoebe is the one who runs out of the room. Scully realizes it was Phoebe who created Maitreya: the perfect woman warrior as a means of confronting the testosterone-filled workplace. You note:

A) That if Phoebe wanted to confront the testosterone-filled workplace, instead of succumbing to the bloodlust by creating a woman warrior, she should have just covered her work desk with Beanie Babies! Oh, wait, she's the woman, she doesn't HAVE A DESK DAMMIT!

B) That Sark's closing in fast on his light carrier! And those digital bugs are...are...scattering off into the distance. Didn't YORI say those things were threatening? But they didn't do anything! What a letdown!...

C) That on your new Sims computer game, there's a pair of FBI agents you can pair off in a relationship...<cyber sigh>

17) While the hackers bicker once the game re-loads on how to stop Maitreya, Scully realizes Mulder is not going to last much longer against her, especially as she has literally cowboy-ed up and has replicated into five versions. All seems lost until the game door opens, and out steps Scully in SWAT!Scully mode. As she opens fire and blows the crap out of things, you:

A) Cheer for the Blessed Kick-Ass Skeptic! Battle On, Scully!

B) Spot the MCP's Tower in the distance...he's preparing for...something...<ominous music>

C) Hope she wears that outfit on the honeymoon! Fox is clearly aroused by her SWAT gear!

20 million 'Shippers just orgasmed

18) Scully squares off against Maitreya, who keeps getting blown away and keeps coming back with bigger artillery...even her own tank! The Lone Gunmen realize they have to completely crash the system by hitting the History Eraser Button (Space Madness...hehe), but Ivan is thinking of lost stock options. As Scully's Big Effing Gun runs low on ammo, the LG succeed in getting Phoebe to type in the kill code. Did they save them in time? You:

A) see B)

B) see C)

C) see D) Hey, wait, there's no D) on this survey! The MCP is taking over the 'Shipper Surveys! Noooo...

19) The Lone Gunmen enter the deserted holosuite: it seems Mulder and Scully are...<sniff> more. Phoebe notices, however, that Scully's BFG is still existing in the real world, so they check the game's entry room...where they find Mulder and Scully prone on the floor with the yellow dye packs on the front of their armor vests emptied. For you, that means:

A) Scully used her Jedi mind tricks to convince herself and Mulder the bullets weren't the vests reacted to the digital information but their minds did not buy the illusion of death...

B) Sark has fallen and the MCP is vulnerable to TRON's disk! Throw it!

C) Well, the way things were going in the game they weren't shot, so...the dye packets exploded somehow...wait...WAIT! They exploded under intense a passionate embrace! YES! YES! YES! <faint>
Scully: Uh, it's not what it looks like...
20 Million 'Shippers: IT DOES! IT TOTALLY DOES!

Scene: TRON throws his disk. It impales the MCP at his base. His face changes to that of Bill Gates and fades into digital oblivion. The I/O Towers across the grid go back online. The survey writer is ejected back into the real world... 

20) Mulder starts off on another lame speech, which sounds like Chris Carter added it at the last, geez, it's lame. But back in the game's control room, Ivan is weeping for his lost program (gee, dude, next time save to back-up, okay?...) when the game comes back on...with Maitreya walking towards the screen in her leather jumpsuit...but now wearing the face of Dana Scully. You conclude:

A) That Maitreya's goal was to cause enough chaos and anarchy to bring her Creator into her world so she can become her! Sorta like V'Ger in that first Star Trek movie...

B) That the game grid is now free! Open source code for everyone! <cheers>

C) That Dana and Fox GROPED! Who cares about that lame-ass speech, Chris! Go surf, dude!...<sigh>

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSE acolyte who's downloaded fifteen different images of SWAT!Scully for your basement altar!

B) Then you are a program on the grid, free to ride the light cycle wherever you want to! <promptly drives it into another wall>

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's lived to see the MCP destro...hey, wait! You've lived long enough to see evidence that Dana and Fox embraced!!! <sigh>

Scene: Witty returns - screaming a girly scream - to the computer terminal to see what happened once the MCP fell from power. It seems that it unleashed Linux everywhere and all the computers across the globe are now crash-free (note: at least until Windows Vista eight years after the original survey)
Satisfied smile.

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