Wednesday, December 9, 2015

X-Files: all things 'Shipper Survey

So there I was yesterday responding to the Twitter-fest that exploded over the X-Files episode "Chimera," and so I realize, hey how far along into this season are we? And I discover we're in Season Seven, and then I discover that the next episode is "all things," the episode directed by Gillian "St. Scully" Anderson...

...and that THIS is the episode for all 'Shippers to band together in celebration.


So, without further explanation, here's the survey I wrote oh so long ago!

all things

1) The episode begins in lower case letters only. e.e. cummings would approve. Actually, the episode begins with a bathroom faucet dripping. We see Scully changing into her clothes...hey, was she undressed for a reason? She quietly leaves the bathroom and walks into a bedroom, walking past a leg barely covered by a bedsheet...hey, wait a second. She keeps walking past the sleeping form of a guy lying NAKED IN BED?!?! You scream:

A) "Condoms! Did you remember the condoms?!?!"

B) "Uh-oh. If that's Mulder, we'll never hear the end of it from those naive 'Shippers who keep answering C) on these surveys!"

C) "That had better be Fox!!! <camera keeps panning up to reveal it is, indeed, Dana's One-In-Five-Billion> YES! YES! THEY DID IT! THEY FINALLY DID IT!" <faint in orgasmic bliss>

2) Okay, so they did it. There's still an episode to do. So...

A) Forget it. We've got to talk! Details, Dana, we want details!

B) No, they didn't do it. They're just friends! That's all they are, all right?! <mutter> <grumble>

C) <Unable to respond due to current blissed-out state>

3) Shall we continue? We flashback to Saturday, and who works on a Saturday? Mulder does, sadly dragging poor Scully into his Hell. She shows up with lunch while Mulder is preparing another slide show, this time thankfully using Moby for a soundtrack. He starts off the slide show on those pesky crop circles that make for cool rock album covers. Scully focuses on her sandwich, noticeably not listening. Mulder realizes he's lost Scully's interest, so he adds, "And I'm not wearing any pants." Only then does she pay attention. You:

A) Expect the Blessed One to rattle off the FBI dress code to remind the Punk he either wears pants at work or at least a Scottish kilt...what clan tartan is 'Mulder' anyway?...

B) Note that this is still a strictly professional relationship and they're just good friends, okay?

C) Are certain this is how the conversation led directly to BED WHERE THEY DID IT! <pant> <gasp>

5) I would love to re-type the entire conversation between Mulder and Scully at this point, but I'm sure I'll run into copyright violations. Just check out Carri K's work archived at Tiny Dancer's transcript site. Essentially, Mulder is disheartened that his partner doesn't want to hunt for crop circles. Scully is unhappy about wasting another weekend when she's got more important things to do, like autopsies and bubble baths (although not at the same time). You are:

A) Damn proud the Blessed Red-head has finally stuck to her guns on this issue! Damn right she deserves a bubble bath!

B) Damn pleased to point out that given the way this is going, this is proof that Mulder and Scully are NOT romantically involved. They're, well, not even good friends at the moment...

C) Damn pleased to point out that Dana and Fox always argue as a way of flirting, so they are indeed going to DO IT TONIGHT BABY! Woo-hoo!

6) I will take these quotes from the transcript (Thanks, Carri, oh and whoever wrote the script...). Scully: "Look, we're always running. We're always chasing the next big thing. Why don't you ever just stay still?" Mulder: "I wouldn't know what I'd be missing." You:

A) "You'd be missing a trout upside the head, you Punk! Now finish your sandwich before it hits the floor!"

B) "They're just good friends! Why won't you accept it?!"

C) "Fox! You'd be missing some great passionate sex! Now take Dana over to your place now and check to see if those bedsprings hold up better than that waterbed!"

7) Scully goes to a hospital to pick up her autopsy reports. A distracted, disinterested blonde nurse hands over a file, all the while tapping her pencil to a particular rhythm. It's the same rhythm, in fact, of the water faucet, the slide projector, and the wheels of a car driving over the Sunshine Skyway Bridge at 14.3 mph. Scully checks the file but notices the x-ray is of another person. She goes back to the nurses' station to report it, but the blonde nurse has left. You:

A) Have already said your peace about blondes and nurses and blonde nurses. Let's not go over that again, shall we?...<mutter> <grumble>

B) Recognize the backbeat. It's the background noise you get on your radio telescope array when you point it at Vega.

C) Know at some point Fox will return from England with a set of little green children from the Land of St. Martin's that he and Dana can adopt, because after all WE KNOW THEY'RE HAVING A RELATIONSHIP! No, not the kids, but Dana and Fox! YES! YES!

8) It turns out that the x-ray Scully had been given belongs to someone she knows, a Dr.Waterson. She heads up to his hospital room, carefully avoiding Waterson's family member by hiding behind last February's issue of Feng Shui Life (Damn. My library doesn't cover that title). When she gets the chance, she walks into the room. Time slows. Scully walks very dramatically. Suddenly, a World War Two era plane dives in, the pilot screaming for God. You:

A) see B)

B) see C)

C) Scream at the cats to get the <expletive deleted> off of the remote control!!! <grr> <hiss> <switch back to proper channel>

9) Waterson's doctor returns and asks to speak to Scully in the hallway. Scully is flustered, especially after the doctor mentions that Waterson spoke of her. Uh-oh. It turns out Waterson was a teacher of Scully's. UH-OH. You:

A) Note the fact that Scully has a thing for older father figures and...and...Skinner, will you stop drooling?!

B) Jump to the conclusion that Waterson's really a good, really.

C) Aren't fazed in the slightest. After all, the teaser showed us that DANA WANTS FOX! So in this case, Waterson really IS a good friend... 'cause that's ALL he is!!! <triumphant smirk>

10) Scully had hurried back to her apartment to check if crazed manicurists haven't broken in lately. She gets a phone call from Waterson's daughter, Maggie, who's not entirely thrilled to speak to her. Her father learned of Scully's visit and wants her to come back. Scully gets another call coming in. It's Mulder, asking for a favor: a group researching crop circles developed alternate calculations with new data, and he wants Scully to pick up the materials and ship it out to England for him. Scully fades out, listening to the rhythm, before regaining her sense of time and tells Mulder she's going out for the evening. You:

A) Watch that defeated expression cross the Punk's face. HA! Go call the Lone Gunmen. They're NEVER doing anything on Saturday nights!

B) Remain convinced the Lone Gunmen are just good friends...

C) Remain hopeful that the events in this episode's teaser will bear fruit (foreshadowing, natch!), because Dana and Fox ARE GONNA DO IT!!!

11) Scully returns to the hospital, accidentally entering the wrong room, where it seems a tall red-haired woman is leading a prayer service. You want Scully to say:

A) "Sorry. I was looking for the fresh trout freezer."

B) "We're just friends, okay?!"

C) "Sorry. I was just thinking about this guy I work with and how I'll be jumping in bed with him by the end of tonight's episode...Walter! Not you! Stop drooling!"

12) Scully visits her old mentor, Dr. Daniel Waterson. Waterson's daughter leaves the room in anger. Scully and Waterson hold hands while they talk: Waterson looking to renew a past relationship, Scully noting that he still thinks her joining the FBI was a mistake. You note:

A) That it wasn't a mistake. It led to her relationship to her FBI trainer, too!

B) That even with the hand-holding, they're just good friends.

C) That those NoRomos who keep answering B) think EVERYONE'S just good friends. Sheesh!

13) Scully's driving away from the hospital. Mulder calls again, looking to leave the address of the paranormal group with the crop circle data. While on the phone, Scully gets distracted with how traffic is flowing because of the eye-rolling that occurs whenever Mulder brings up this stuff, and almost gets in a car accident. It happens like this: time slows. The rhythm kicks in. That blonde nurse shows up. The soundtrack changes from Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" to Moby's "Sky Is Broken." Then a truck blows by, the same truck that flattened a prostitute in last season's Tithonus. You can tell by that dent. You take this all in and realize:

A) This stuff wouldn't happen if people didn't use their phones while driving!

B) Ray Bradbury's story "The Crowd" got it half-right: at every car accident in the world, there's the same damn blonde nurse!

C) That Dana was okay: like Clyde Bruckman told her, she'll never die! There can be only One! <soundtrack switches over from Moby to Queen>

NOTE: that survey question contains the most cross-references to other episodes, shows, songs, and literary works than any other previous question. Call ESPN Sportscenter! I've got a "Did You Know?" for them!!!

14) Still stunned by the near-miss, Scully does Mulder a favor and visits the home of the Taoist crop circle group. It turns out to be the tall red-headed woman we last saw in survey question 11). Scully wants to wait a minute and catch her breath after her almost-car wreck. The Taoist, Colleen, tells her "...a car accident isn't my experience they're often the end results of us not paying attention to something." You add:

A) "Yeah! That something is called a stop light!"

B) "No, really, they're just good friends!..."

C) "And that something is Fox! Go to him, Dana!"

15) Scully is being brusque with Colleen: she wants to get the papers and get going. Colleen remains cheerful and hands over the papers. Scully drops a folder, sighs, and bends over to pick up some pictures. Time slows again. That means something. As she picks up a picture of a crop circle shaped like a heart, you realize:

A) It means Led Zeppelin has another cover shot for a greatest hits album!

B) It means they're just good friends! Why can't you accept that?!

C) It means Gizzie and strong safety John Lynch of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are just good friends! Just seeing if you were paying attention. It also means Dana and Fox are meant for each other! <sigh>

16) Scully gets a call. She hurries back to the hospital to find Dr. Waterson arguing with his doctor over treatment. Scully catches a bit of the disagreement and sides with Waterson on the amount of dosage. The doctor leaves in a huff. Maggie Waterson storms out as well, chewing out Scully for her very existence. Scully wonders how Maggie learned of the affair. It turns out Daniel was sloppy in hiding the evidence: the whips, the handcuffs (and he wondered why Scully went in for the FBI...), the midgets standing in the corner playing accordions, you know, the kinky stuff. But I digress. Daniel had to divorce the missus, piss off his daughter, and move to Washington. Scully, realizing why he moved to D.C., asked him when. When he whispers, "almost ten years ago," you yell back:

A) "WHAT?! Ten years without even trying a phone call?!?! This was your big plan, to wait until you had a heart attack and hope for cosmic forces to draw the Blessed One to your bedside?! This is worse than a ditch! At least the Punk calls when he ditches!!!"

B) "Ten years?! What kind of friend are you?!"

C) "Ten years?! Hah! Any romantic inclinations you have toward Dana are now legally null and void! And best of all, she doesn't have to invite you to her and Fox's wedding!!!"

17) The news freaks Scully out. She starts to cry, and openly wonders why and how she came to this moment, this place, wondering about the life she has and the life that could have been. She leans atop Waterson, listening to his heart. Time slows. Again. This time, though, the rhythm becomes erratic: Daniel's heart flatlines. As Scully screams for a nurse to come help, you:

A) Wonder how the Blessed Skeptic would hold up if she had to guest-star in a crossover episode with "Chicago Hope" where...what? They canceled that show? Oh. We can let Christine Lathi out of the bathroom now...

B) Check your wrist watch. You

C) Remind Dana she probably just kicked out the equipment's power cord...

18) Scully goes into Take Charge!Mode, ordering the nurses around, gripping the shock paddles, uping the voltage, and generally proving that she can indeed do well in a guest appearance on "Chicago Hope"...uh, in a reunion special or something. Anyway, once they revive a pulse in Waterson, Scully relaxes, at which point you:

A) Serve out some Scully-ritas to the nurses and with a wink say "It's Bro Sean time!"

B) Point out that Mulder and Scully are just good friends...

C) Wonder if this is a good time for Fox to show up with some paranormally-bent wheat stalks and ask Dana if they could...hold hands or something. <sigh>

19) Scully returns to Colleen's house to apologize and indirectly ask for further enlightenment. She waits in the hallway, uncomfortably, as Colleen fondly kisses her female companion Carol goodbye for the day. Scully and Colleen chat: Colleen brings up holistic medicine practices, the need to maintain a spiritual balance to be healthy, and truckloads of high fiber for normal bowel movements. But I digress. Colleen brings up the fact she was once a successful, overworked physicist under a lot of stress professionally and personally: she eventually found herself suffering from breast cancer. She went to a holistic healer who preached spiritual balance, and it helped: Colleen's cancer went into remission. As Scully sips some tea and takes all of this in, you contemplate:

A) If stress and spiritual imbalance explains these nagging heada...<Mulder calls again asking Scully if she's sure she doesn't want to hunt crop circles> A-ha! That's the cause! <trout-slapping of Punks ensue>

B) That, okay, besides the lesbian couple, everybody else on this show are just good friends!

C) If all this denial on the part of the NoRomos will cause them physical ailments...Guys, let it go. If you don't, you'll suffer with facial twitches for the rest of your lives!

20) Scully goes back to the hospital with flowers, only to find an extremely pissed off daughter and Waterson deep into a coma. Dispirited, she walks the streets of D.C.'s Chinatown (which looks suspiciously like Houston), again in slow motion to the rhythm of a Moby song. She spies the blonde hair of that nurse again, and follows it to a Buddhist temple. She kneels and prays. As Scully does this, flashback sequences from the last seven seasons pass the screen. You:

A) Spot the episode where Scully talks to God, and She says "Girlfriend, trout-slap that Punk!"

B) Think Scully and Buddha are just good friends...

C) Recognize most of the flashbacks, but where's the scene of Dana and Fox dancing to an Irish tune from the lost Limerick episode?! Aw, nuts, they forgot to include it!...

21) Scully gets a flash of insight. The next thing we see is a holistic healer standing over Waterson's body trying to "purge" the unhealthy "blocks." Waterson's doctor shows up, extremely pissed that Scully would bring in somebody like this, and argues that only he or family members can decide what's best for the patient. Maggie speaks up, surprisingly in favor of having a healer present. The healer announces, though, that there's not much he can do: Waterson is fading, and all that's preventing him from leaving is some kind of unfinished business. You:

A) Know that unfinished business is to have the oil changed in his car. Or something like that.

B) Are certain that the healer and Dr. Kervorkian are just good friends...

C) Think someone should kick the plug out again...beep bu-dep beeeeeeeeeeeeeepp!

22) Scully has returned to her apartment. Time slows. Again. Will someone fix the <expletive deleted> clock?! Anyway, Scully finds herself back at the hospital. This time, though, she's visiting herself, when she was dying of cancer. It's a dream. She wakes up. When Maggie calls asking her to come to the hospital, you're certain:

A) That it was all a dream...let's go eat ice cream. Cool, dude!

B) That it was all a dream...all a dream...all a dream...<the NoRomo answering this wakes up in on a farm in Kansas surrounded by X-Files characters...with the noticeable distinction of Scully and Mulder dressed up like they were just married>...AAIIEE!

C) That the scream you just heard was the scream of a NoRomo realizing that it's NOT a dream and that Dana and Fox have always been/are/will always be in love! <insert maniacal laughter here>

23) Scully returns to find Waterson revived from his coma, but upset that Scully would bring in a holistic healer: Waterson seems to think alternative medicine is "crap." He's also insisting on re-starting his relationship with Scully, but she backs away. She points out the illness he's suffering is of the soul, caused not by her ending the relationship ten years ago but by his refusal to deal with the pain it caused his daughter Maggie. Scully tells him goodbye, and leaves him with Maggie who seems willing now to talk with her father. You:

A) Cheer the righteousness of the Blessed Red-Head and enjoy the metaphorical trout-slap she just delivered to this No!Phone-Call Punk!

B) Are probably right in thinking Daniel and Dana are just good friends...but not really. They're not even friends now.

C) Cheer the righteousness of the Sexy Red-Head and enjoy the fact that this leaves her entirely free to MAKE OUT WITH FOX! Here comes the events leading to the teaser! Woo-hoo!!!

24) Scully walks out of the hospital. Time slows. She goes past two nuns (Hi, Twee! Hi, SisLens!) and spots that blonde nurse again. She runs up to meet her, but then a crowd walks between them and Scully instead finds Mulder standing there. He'd returned from England with nothing to show but a cap that reads "Stonehenge Rocks!" They smile, and Scully offers to make some tea. You:

A) Are upset that Gillian didn't give Twee or SisLens the opportunity to give a cool one-liner like "We're doing it out of habit" or...or...okay, I'll shush...

B) Are absolutely one-hundred percent convinced they're just good friends! Okay? OKAY?!?!

C) Are absolutely gleeful. YES! YES!

25) Mulder and Scully have returned to Mulder's apartment. It looks like they've been talking for a long while and drunk a lot of tea. They're talking about Scully's experiences of this weekend, of confronting a past and the possibilities another path would have offered. Mulder is stunned Scully talked to God in a Buddhist temple: to him, it's like "saying you're having David Crosby's baby." You:

A) Curse the Punk for his blasphemy. The Blessed One talks to God all the time! It goes like this: SCULLY: "Dear God, please do something about my dumb-ass partner!" GOD: "Okay." Why do you think God keeps dropping holy trout on your head, you Punk?

B) Keep repeating to yourself that they're just good friends drinking tea and talking about God throwing fish at people. Happens all the time.

C) Curse Fox for even suggesting the slight improbability that Dana's carrying David Crosby's baby! Dude, she's supposed to be carrying YOUR baby!

BONUS: They finish talking. Scully starts sleeping on Mulder's shoulder. He tenderly pulls away a strand of hair from her face, draws a blanket over her shoulders, and gets up from the futon so he can get the bed ready for some raunchy hip grinding. The camera pulls over to the fish tank as Moby's song comes up one last time for the evening. The camera focuses on a small statue of Buddha underneath the fish tank. Re-consider the teaser that opened this episode and you can conclude:

A) THAT'S who has been keeping an eye on Mulder's fish! And we thought it was Frohike taking care of Bubbles, Buttercup, and Blossom!...

B) That nothing happened! Scully is going to stay right here on the futon! They're just good friends! THAT'S ALL! NOTHING HAPPENED!

C) That it looks like when Dana and Fox get married it's going to be in a Buddhist temple. And we've finally figured out Fox's religion! He's a Fish worshipper!


If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSE member who's at least glad the Blessed One has a life.

B) Then you are a NoRomo sitting in a white padded cell muttering "They're just good friends...just good friends...<uncontrollable facial tic> Just good friends..."

C) Then you are a 'Shipper dancing the Happy Happy Joy Joy dance. And you're dancing in Jack's boots. Whee. Life is good. :-)

WAIT! I just realized something! Remember in Season One, in episode "Tooms"? The Conversation In the Car? Where Mulder said, "If it's tea it's love," and Scully replied, "Must be fate, Mulder. Root beer." That's why they drank tea at the end!!! IT'S LOVE! YES!!!!!!!!!


Purpose of this 'Shipper Survey site: ASSURED.

That is all.

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