X-Files: Kill Switch 'Shipper Survey

I have no idea why I'm going with this episode for a posting at the moment.

Well, actually I do:
1) Not enough time today to write a brand-new 'Shipper survey, so I'm pasting in a recap back from Season Five whence I wrote it;
2) I think the cyberpunk genre maestro William Gibson favorited a Tweet I posted last night, so I'm kinda in a fanboy OMG mood, and Gibson is the one who wrote this episode.

So, traveling back through time to the heady days of 1998, when computers were on Windows 98, RAM was measured in MB, tablets were how we figured out our pill dosages, Apple was coming out with these colorful little all-in-one machines called iMacs, and we were all still waiting for the hoverboards Back to the Future movies promised us for 2015... sigh...

Additional notes: this is still early in my career as a 'Shipper Survey writer, so the questions - and the jokes - don't go into as much detail as the later ones.  Also, I go with calling Mulder and Scully by their last names in the C) 'Shipping answers, I won't switch to first-names Fox and Dana until later.  Silly me.  Anyway, here we go!

Senseless Shipper Survey- Kill Switch

1) As the episode begins in a darkened cafe, your first thought was:

A) Does Scully drink decaf?

B) Odd, absolutely none of the businesses shown on the X-Files seem to pay their electric bills

C) This would be a great place for Moose and Squirrel to meet for a late-night coffee chat

2) Scully winces in the driver's seat as Mulder pulls out smuggled evidence. He finds a CD and plops it into the Ford Taurus' disc player. As the music flows and the lights blink, your thought was:

A) A-ha! Scully gets to be in the driver's seat!!!

B) Gee, my Ford Taurus doesn't have a disc player...:(

C) "Twilight Time?" Gee, it's the perfect excuse for Scully and Mulder to crawl into the backseat...;-)

3) The cybergrrl Invisigoth has just told our intrepid heroes about artificial-intelligence superviruses, DOD orbital platforms, and a few other end-of-the-world stuff. Scully pulls the car over so she and Mulder can argue out in the open. Your response is:

A) To congratulate the Enigmatic One for her excellent driving skills, even though it's hard to see her explain away the "orbiting platform" stuff since something DID blow up Invisigoth's berth

B) To wonder why they left a suspect, even one in handcuffs, able to roam about and possibly flee

C) To be satisfied that Mulder and Scully are comfortable enough in their relationship to hold their discussions (which we all know is how they really flirt!) in full view of other people

4) Mulder and Scully bring Invisigoth to the suddenly perky and gleeful Lone Gunmen. Did you:

A) Emulate the Enigmatic One's eye-rolling as "Esther" shamelessly humiliated the obviously overwhelmed Gunguys

B) Wonder if Invisigoth really can type with her tongue

C) Thank Frohike for focusing on someone else "really hot," so that Fox and Dana can fall in love with no interference on his part (note: I think this is where I start doing it, but not consistently...)

5) Scully lets her guard down and Esther uses her gun to take them to a hidden location. During these tense moments, did you:

A) Overlook Scully's mistake of keeping her gun out in the open and pray that she will escape Esther and kick ass

B) Think Esther should have done a better job cloaking her voice over the cel phone by using electronic scramblers

C) Want Scully to say, "Mulder, I'm in a hostage situation, so I might not see you again, so let me tell you that I...I...trust you, Fox..."

6) Esther finds only the smoking ruins left by an orbiting platform. Just as Scully is about to break free, the cybergrrl breaks down and talks about being in a relationship so intense it moved beyond mere flesh. Your response was:

A) "Damn! Just as Scully was about to smoke another blonde, the cyberbitch has to turn out human and sympathetic!"

B) "Hey! The safety was on all the time!"

C) "Okay, Scully's silence during the rhetorical question about relationships merely affirms that she DOES know what it's like to be in an intense shared relationship that moves beyond mere flesh. Thank God!"

7) Mulder has let his guard down, and has been given massive electrical shocks. He awakes in a hospital with busty nurses and serious cutting tools. Your response is:

A) "His doctor is Scully? She should get paid for overtime, man..."

B) "Red right hand, you can have. Just don't ask about your red left hand, though..."

C) "Forget the cutting tools! What's with the nurses? Mulder!..."



8) Two words: Nurse Nancy. Your first thought was:

A) "Scully can kick her blonde ass any day!"

B) "Wasn't that the title of the, ahem, adult film that got PeeWee Herman in hot water with the Sarasota police force?"

C) "This wouldn't happen, Mulder, if you stop purchasing all those porno tapes- which, by the way, the supervirus traced and used in this holographic simulation- and started focusing on a pure, intense relationship that moves beyond mere flesh with a certain redheaded partner of yours..."

9) SWAT!Scully arrives and proves she spent her youth watching Avengers re-runs by kicking ass Emma Peel style. Did you:

A) Cheer at the graceful way she kicked ass while wearing high heels

B) Note that this was all a computer-generated fantasy anyway, and that Scully probably doesn't kick ass in high heels

C) Thank God Mulder's fantasy was moving away from those silly, underdressed nurses and toward a fully functional, intelligent, strong doctor/warrior who just happens to be incredibly beautiful...

10) The real Scully arrives to rescue Mulder, but as they turn to go she sees Invisigoth logging into the VR system to merge/battle with the supervirus. Your final thought was:

A) So Scully may have been wrong about orbiting platforms and artificial intelligence. At least she can shoot straight in this reality and kick ass in virtual reality!...

B) "Bite me"?!?! Shouldn't Esther, uh Invisigoth, have used the cornier "Byte me" as a better send-off?!?!

C) Does true love, even love that moves beyond mere flesh, prevail? It better!!!...

If you more often than not answered:

A) then you are an OBSSEr who's happy Scully got to do all the driving this episode

B) then you're a marginal computer user, someone who knows how to operate a mouse and play "Tomb Raider II," but completely in the dark when it comes to T3s, encryptions, and superviruses

C) then you are a 'Shipper who was worried for a while about Mulder's "obsession" with porn but thinks his virtual nightmare will, uh, amputate his need for adult video and force him to interact on a human level, hopefully by taking Scully for some coffee to that diner...;-) ;-) ;-)

The X-Files: Ice 'Shipper Survey

Holy crepole, Batman!  I FINALLY GOT AROUND TO WRITING A BRAND NEW 'SHIPPER SURVEY!

Well, relatively speaking.  This is for Season One, and for the classic fan-fave episode "Ice."

I mentioned before I started 'Shipper Surveys in Season Five, and never really got around to filling out more surveys for the earlier seasons like I should have.  Especially since there's a slew of classic episodes that are heavy into the 'shipping.  This is one of them.

Ice

1)The episode opens in a darkened lab. There are bodies everywhere. Wires pulled from sockets. Consoles smashed. Coffee cups left stacked in the lounge area. WILL NOONE CLEAN THE DISHES, YOU FIENDS?  Your immediate response is:
A)Don't blog angry!
B)AND THEY WERE SERVING ONLY DECAF RAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEEEEEE!
C)Dammit, Fox, if you keep living like a slovenly bachelor, Dana will NEVER hold hands with you!

2)A crazed, blood-covered man sits in front of a working camera and utters “We are not... who we are!  We are NOT... who we are!” He's then attacked by another survivor, and they body-slam each other through glass walls until they can separate and each grabs a gun.  But rather than shoot each other, the two survivors slowly silently agree to raise their guns to their own heads and... DISCRETIONARY CUT TO A SNOWY EXTERIOR, showing us the lab is in a remote Arctic camp. You take this all in and say:
A)This is Season One! Does Chris Carter even have the budget to make a shapeshifting homage to John Carpenter's The Thing?
B)Did you see that dog? Yup. Gonna be a Thing. Did you see that lifeform in the kitchen sink? Yup. Thing. Did you see that guy with a flamethrower aiming for y... WHOA, HEY, MACREADY, I'M NOT INFECTED I'M NOT (fla-wwwwwwwoooooooosssssshhhhhhhhh)
C)Oooooh, this is gonna be one of those scary date movie type episodes! Quick, get the tea!

3)The FBI is sending a team of expendable warriors, uh a team of expendable scientists to the ice station to find out what happened.  Among this team will be

• MULDER!
• SCULLY!
• The quirky geologist with a love of pro football who'll be one of the obvious guys to die early!
• A suspicious-acting doctor who'll conflict with Scully over the medical stuff often enough to make things worse!
• A normal-looking woman toxicologist who will clearly be unimportant to the story's resolution!
• A bossy transporter – this time an angry airplane pilot – who'll be the first infected because it'll isolate everybody in a dangerous deathtrap for the whole episode!

You count six people and realize that most quests MUST start with seven people, so you're guessing the seventh person will be:
A)A trout supplier so Scully can slap everyone with fresh trout for their foolishness early and often.
B)An annoying teenage sidekick who'll guess about half the plot points during the episode and get thankfully killed off when he does something clearly stupid.
C)A priest so Dana and Fox can get married in a small quiet ceremony!  Also, in case they need to perform an exorcism if this whole thing turns out to be demonic possession or something...

4)The team arrives to devastation and to an angry dog driven to an uncontrolled rage.  He bites the pilot before they can subdue, and then they discover the dog is showing signs of infection with blistered skin and a... thing... wriggling just under the skin.  When the pilot discovers while alone in the bathroom that he's got the same infection signs, he freaks.  You:
A)Tell him that the sane and rational response is to warn the others, get quarantined and secured immediately, and hope they can develop a medical cure to save you.
B)Encourage him to do what every other stupid zombie infectee does in every horror movie ever: panic, tell nobody about it, and get ready to infect everybody else.
C)Wonder if Dana and Fox will share the bathroom later for a quick shower.

5)The early clues as to what happened in the lab point to the scientists unearthing something from ancient Earth history.  They dug too greedily and too deep.  Which tells you:
A)Balrog.
B)Aliens.
C)There's nothing 'Shippy about this revelation.  Move along.

6)The pilot wants to leave right away even as the evidence is pointing to a biological infection, with Mulder arguing for the need to maintain quarantine. The pilot's anger gets the better of him and he starts attacking Mulder and then everybody else, leaving it to Scully to tackle him like a linebacker.  They discover whatever was wriggling in the dog is now in the pilot. Where they didn't want to go poking into the dog, this time they go digging into the pilot. With hilarious results. You realize:
A)Scully could have done well in a Tampa-2 defensive scheme. GO BUCS.
B)Okay, cutting into a dog would be too heart-rending, but cutting into the human you need to fly you out?  DIDN'T THINK THIS THROUGH DID YA?!
C)Dana made damn sure NOBODY beats up on her boyfriend! Uh, partner!

7)Okay, here's the situation. The pilot's dead. There's a storm shutting down all air traffic for three days. There's a clear worm infestation that can affect and kill people. There's a possibility more people might be infected as this transmits through body fluids and almost everybody got hit with fluids dealing with the dog and the pilot. Oh, and they're out of coffee. This can mean one thing:
A)NO COFFEE? RIOT!
B)NO COFFEE? RIOT!
C)Dana and Fox are just fine, they're cool. They don't need coffee. THEY DRINK TEA! Oh, wait, that's a future episode, I might be SPOILING things right about here...

8)The team decides they need to perform physical check-ups on each other to see if there's any signs of the skin blisters or the Rage worms. The guys segregate to one room while Scully and the female toxicologist go to another to check each other. As the guys strip for the check-up, Mulder quips “Before anyone passes judgment may I remind you we are in the Arctic.” You:
A)Trout-slap him for lack of confidence.
B)Rage at him for trying to joke during a serious problem. WE'RE ALL INFECTED YOU IDIOT WE ARE NOT WHO WE ARE AND... uh... um... wait, I need to keep it cool.  No Rage worms, here, I sw (MacReady opens up with the flamethrower again)
C)FOX! Do not go around disappointing Dana like that!

9)Everyone finds a room to sleep in for the night. Locking doors and barricading the halls. Mulder leaves Scully alone to her room just before the shoves heavy furniture in front of it to make sure, you know.  Your response?
A)Smart move, St. Scully.
B)What if the worms can climb through the air vents, EVER THINK OF THAT OH GOD OH NO NOOOOOOOO AAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEE... (MacReady's ever-trusty flamethrower flares up for another purge)
C)NOOOOOOOO They're not sharing a room NOOOOOOOOoooooooooo... So what if it's Season One?  IT'S THE RIFT IT'S THE RIFT YOU DAMN NOROMOS (weeps) (gets char-broiled by MacReady)

10)The camera pans across the faces of each character. Nobody is sleeping. The geologist guy is listening to his favorite Chargers football game. The suspicious doctor is all suspicious. The normal toxicologist looks nervous. Scully is waiting. Mulder is thirsty. When Mulder decides to venture out to get a drink, you think to yourself:
A)Scully should have brought more Margarita mixes.
B)Wait. That geologist is a Chargers fan?! No wonder he's doomed!
C)Fox. Go check on Dana, she's clearly gonna be mixing up some Margaritas soon...

11)Mulder finds the stuffed-into-the-fridge body of (insert any comic book girlfriend), oh, okay bad taste, I apologize, the stuffed body of the geologist.  Because he's acting a little freaked out – since he knows this means someone's infected with a Rage worm – the others jump to the conclusion that he's the one infected. When Scully – close to tears – admits “Mulder, you might not be who you are,” you know:
A)Scully's right.  She's always right. So stand right there while she administers the cure (TROUT-SLAP).
B)Did anyone check to see if the front door was locked, because you know this is Alaska at night and there are Vampires and Wendigoes and Sasquatches all over the place and...
C)That Dana is crying up because she's worried her one-in-a-billion might be infected with Rage... sniff... (cries)

12)After locking Mulder into a closet as a quarantine method, Scully gets right to work on finding a cure, something to get the Rage worms out of a victim. This forces the remaining scientists to work with her because at this point being alone and out-of-view is not a good idea. Unfortunately, the pressure starts getting to the surviving team, and with tempers flaring you realize:
A)Everyone but Scully is infected. OKAY, TROUT-SLAPS FOR EVERYONE!
B)WE'RE NOT INFECTED WE'RE JUST DEALING WITH A LOT OF PRESSURE OVER HERE AND DAMMIT MACREADY PUT THAT FLAMETHROWER DOWN IT'S NOT HELPI (Fla-whooooooooossssssssshhhhhhhhhhh).
C)DANA LOVES FOX! YAY!

13)Scully notices that in separate jars the Rage worms want to attack each other, so she puts two of them into one jar to see their reaction. Through the use of incredibly poor CGI, the Rage worms head butt (or is that butt butt, these ARE worms) each other until death. Apparently the solution is to re-infect the infected. You respond with:
A)OF COURSE! IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!
B)Actually, no it doesn't make a lot of sense. Evolution doesn't work like that. Organisms evolve to coexist not compete, and it's self-defeating to destroy your own kind...
C)Unless the Rage worms, being able to mass-produce as a parasitic in host forms, found it favorable to their evolution to instill that rage to spread infection to more hosts!  ...Wait, this isn't a 'Shipper answer, disregard!  DISREGARD!

14)After testing the hypothesis on the Raged dog with success – the puppy stops being Mr. Bitey – they prepare the last Rage worm they've got on hand to “cure” Mulder. Scully asks for an opportunity to talk to Mulder first to explain what they're doing, so he wouldn't freak out. The remaining doctors say it's a bad idea. You say:
A)SCULLY KNOWS WHAT'S BEST! (Trout-slap)
B)It's a standard PLOT DEVICE IN HORROR MOVIES! SOMEONE TRIES TO TALK TO THE MONSTER! IT NEVER ENDS WELL! DON'T DO IT SCUL (MacReady lights up the flamethrower one more time)
C)SHUT UP DANA NEEDS SOME ALONE TIME WITH FOX (MacReady opens fire with, well, fire)

15)Scully finds Mulder sitting calm but still acting, well, spooky. Mulder points out he hasn't shown more homicidal rage. Scully mentions that the solution is to put another Rage worm in the victim to kill each other off inside the host. Mulder points out that doing that to a non-infectee is just going to spread the Rage worms and make it worse. You point out:
A)Dammit, Mulder, you always have to find a way to ruin a plan don't ya?
B)That if Mulder ever told the conspiracy people ruining his investigtions to “go stick it in your ear,” there's a layer of irony to this moment, just sayin'...
C)That now's the time for a quickie! Lock the closet door! What...?

16)Scully: “You're going to have to trust us.” Mulder: “I don't trust them. I want to trust you.” You:
A)Trust her then!
B)First, get her blood into a petri dish, then flame it, if a little head pokes up, it means she's a Thing! Ready that flamethrower, MacReady!
C)SQUUUEEEEEEEEEEE (note: if you haven't figured it out almost 20 years later, “Trust” is a sexier word than “Sex” to a 'Shipper)

17)Mulder allows Scully to examine his neck, where the Rage worm usually shows itself. After a few seconds of gentle caressing by Scully, all seems okay. When Scully turns around, Mulder roughly grabs her by the shoulders. With a manly growl, he leans in to nibble on her earlobe as Scully leans back and gushes “Oh my!” And then... and... and... what do you mean, those Harlequin romance novels are all exaggerated?

for some reason I cannot find an animated GIF or
YouTube clip of this scene. This is all you get, 'Shippers.
Let your imaginations do the rest...

18)Seriously, Mulder takes his time to check Scully for Rage worm. He rubs... nay, caresses the back of her neck, slowly lowering the collar so he can caress down to the spot between the shoulder blades, ever so gentle with his fingers, and... and... okay, I think we're done with this 'Shipper Survey because I think five million 'Shippers just went into blissful comas.

19)Well, since I need to wrap this survey up, let's get to the final round: the other two ignore Scully's report that Mulder doesn't have worms, knock Scully out of the way, and try to hold Mulder down so they can stick it where the sun occasionally shines when Mulder tilts his head ever so. But during the struggle, the suspicious doctor notices the normal toxicologist has a wriggly Rage worm in her neck, meaning Mulder is normal (well, relatively speaking). The normal unassuming toxicologist, now the Infected One, goes on a rampage looking for a weapon to either fulfill her destiny or else find a way to spread her infected blood everywhere. Mulder knocks the gun away, and the three uninfected hold the toxicologist down long enough to drop the Rage worm in (that's still got to hurt the damn eardrum!) and help her calm down. Once that's all done, you:
A)Pour out another Margarita, have it named a Scullyrita in your honor, and get damn drunk 'cause you earned it!
B)Worry that there may be other worms out there, hiding in places like, oh, the headset to the dead Geologist's Walkman. (MacReady shows up, flamethrowers the Walkman) Well, it's outdated tech even for 1993, right?
C)Hope Dana and Fox can share that shower for a cool-down after all!

20)Back at base, Mulder wants to head back to the lab to do a more thorough examination for the Rage worms. The suspicious doctor warns him that he'd already heard from the military that the lab has been firebombed into ash. Mulder, enraged like he's got a Rage worm in him – nah, I kid – turns to Scully and gripes that “it's still out there buried under two-hundred-fifty thousand years of ice.” Scully ends the episode by say “Let it stay buried.” You end the episode by:
A)Serving more Scullyritas, the TRUE CURE for Rage worms!
B)Freaking out and GOING INTO A RAGE-INFESTED TANTRUM HOW DARE THEY NOT GIVE US A SEQUEL HOOK HOW D (MacReady uses his flamethrower one last time, lights a smoke) MacReady: “Maybe we shouldn't get rescued...”
C)Re-watching the neck-rubbing scene! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND... OH GOD I HOPE THEY HAVE STUFF LIKE THIS IN THE SERIES REBOOT!

If you more often than not answered:
A)Then you are a member of the Order of the Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic, wondering just where the hell everyone else has been the last 20 years.  ARE ANY OF YOU STILL ALIVE?
B)Then you are human. You know you are. And you know some of the other survey takers are human too. Otherwise they'd all be jumping you, trying to turn you into a 'Shipper.  WELL IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN! (flames up) (sets fire to all the Infected 'Shippers in the area)
C)Then you are a 'Shipper. You've been that way ever since the 'Shipper worm got into your ear back when you read Little Women in middle school.  DAMMIT ALCOTT, YOU SHOULDA MARRIED JO TO LAURIE AND YOU KNOW IT... Ahem... now, BACK TO RE-WATCHING THE NECK RUB SCENE!

News: Filming reports June 2015

Recovered via Facebook (Gareth M Smart's account)

There's apparently a BBC Quarry out in British Columbia, where they leave these sort of props around all the time.  (Can't you see Mew-Mew over to the right?  No, your other right...)

You can tell the UFO is fake.  It's not the traditional triangle shape that UFOs on the X-Files go by.  It's surface looks metallic, not organic/stone.  Also, there's parking tickets stuck in the windshield wipers...

Still, SQUEE.

Show's getting made.  SQUEE.

The X-Files: Hollywood AD 'Shipper Survey

In honor of The X-Files resuming their filming, I felt it appropriate to break out a 'Shipper Survey from Season Seven for the classic fourth-wall demolishing episode "Hollywood AD."  Lights!  Camera!  People Made Out of Turkey!  ...wait, what?

Relax, Gillian, This Wasn't As Bad As That Second Movie...

HOLLYWOOD A.D.

1) The episode begins with explosions, laser battles, some kid bending a spoon with his mind because he tells you "There is no spoon," and...and...<sigh>. The show begins with Garry Shandling running around thinking he's Mulder. It also has Tea Leoni thinking she's Scully. That black-lunged mackerel snapper called the Smoking Pontiff, I dunno where they got him. You're pretty sure:

A) Someone was drugged.

B) Someone lost a bet.

C) Someone needs a hug.

2) Garry/Mulder and Tea/Scully defeat the Smoking Pontiff and his zombie minions, and find themselves rolling into an open coffin which closes as they enter. They banter, make a few quips, then start making out like a drunk FBI agent and a so-called "blonde" detective during some planetary alignment. We find out we're watching a movie, and in the audience are the cast members of this travesty, as well as Minnie Driver and David Alan Grier from "Return To Me" (wonder who sent them invitations...). As the camera finally settles on the stunned faces of the REAL Mulder and Scully (well, the actor and actress who tend to play the characters on a regular basis), you determine:

A) Scully's fans are probably outside the theater, protesting the hiring of a tall, long-legged woman to play her, when Kate Winslet would have sufficed...(fume) (chant) (protest)

B) Mulder's fans are right next to the Scullyists outside, protesting the failure to hire the actor they want to play the spooky FBI agent: Eddie Deezen! (fume) (chant) (protest)

C) That somebody should tell David Duchovny that Garry Shandling is making out with David's wife Tea in a coffin. Hey, Bree Sharp would be thrilled to break the bad news to him...(wicked grin)

3) After the credits roll, we find ourselves in Skinner's office with a message informing us it's "eighteen months earlier," where the bald guy is handing over a report on a church bombing to Mulder and Scully. Meanwhile, some geek sitting on a far sofa is making notes and answering his cell phone. You notice the confused look on Moose and Squirrel's faces, and:

A) Begin to ponder the myriad and mystic aspects of our reality. In other words, you've already had two Scully-ritas too many...(hic)

B) Suddenly realize that if this is eighteen months earlier, this episode (and this survey) should be back in Season Five! Damn! Now I have to re-shuffle my 'Shipper Survey web pages! (grrr)

C) Hope this leads to a quiet moment in the hallway where Dana and Fox question their assignment, leading up to a hand-hold, some of that slow-motion stuff from all things, and another visit to Fox's bedroom...(sigh)

4) The guy on the sofa, Federman, is a writer/producer, who's an old friend of the "Skinman" from his college days. Federman's here to make a movie about the X-File cases Mulder and Scully work on: he sees it as a cross between "Silence of the Lambs Meets E.T." That look on Mulder and Scully's faces tell you:

A) They're about ready to jump out the Skinman's window. Aliens, they can deal with. Liver-eating mutants, no problem. Somebody who actually calls himself a "writer-slash-producer?" NOOOOO!

B) They're wondering about that writer/producer title: does that make Federman a hybrid? Quick, grab him! He's the clue you've been looking for!

C) They're not ready to deal with a sequel just yet. Damn bee!

5) Mulder, with Federman in tow, goes to the Catholic church where Cardinal O'Fallon, whom Scully knows as a high-ranking church official, had reported the bombing. Federman is questioning about Mulder's relationship to Scully, if she's more than just his partner. Mulder is trying to get him to shut up as they walk past a pair of nuns into the church. You:

A) Are certain that the nuns are Sis Paula and Sis Twee from the OBSSE, and they're here to help the Punk learn the fine Art of Trout-Slapping to deal with this writer-slash-producer from the sixth plane of Hell!...

B) Have this nagging suspicion that the church is three blocks away from this comic book store you know in the shopping district of Georgetown...

C) Worry that Wayne is thinking the wrong things about Dana staying back at the office to work with Walter. Trust us, the bald guy's REALLY secretly doing the Monica with his prancy secretary!...

6) Mulder is interviewing Cardinal O'Fallon about the bombing of the church's crypt. O'Fallon notes there was little of value in the crypt, merely ancient church texts and relics. O'Fallon keeps cracking quips, like owning the relic of the Bathrobe of St. Peter, which amuses Federman. Federman being amused, of course, drives Mulder to snarl, "Shut up, Wayne." You:

A) Can't picture the male members of the OBSSE wearing the kind of fancy duds the Cardinal has on! One thing about Catholics, they've got a good fashion sense...

B) Note you have holy relics of your own: the Dish That Can't Be Cleaned, the Signed Autograph of William B. Davis On a Piece of Paper, and the Unfathomable Computer of Constant Crashing!

C) Worry that there's something going on between Kelly and Sue...damn Survivor Slashers!

7) A cell phone goes off. Mulder looks ready to kill Federman, but it's not his. Mulder checks his own phone, nope. Cardinal O'Fallon checks his phone, uh-uh. They follow the sound of the beeping to a body beneath the rubble. As Mulder answers the dead guy's phone, you think he ought to answer it with:

A) "Yes? You're calling for a lifeline? Uh, I don't think so, Regis..."

B) "Mad Dog Pizza. We deliver."

C) "I'm sorry. The dead guy can't come to the phone right now. If you would like to speak to his medical examiner, please dial 1-800-FOXLOVESDANA..."

8) Scully was able to get away from the office so she could play hooky. Or was it hockey? Anyhoo, she, Mulder, and Federman head for the residence of the dead man, Micah Hoffman, a radical protestor of the 1960s who disappeared in the 1970s before making a reunion tour in the 1980s and ending up in a "Behind the Music" documentary in the 1990s. Deep breath. Mulder does his breaking-and-entering routine, which brings up a not-so-nice comment from the writer-slash-producer. Also, Scully's reply that she and Skinner just did paperwork gets an eyeroll from the hanger-on. You take this all in and:

A) Triangulate the best possible trout swing between the demonic writer-slash-producer and the moronic Punk! (slap-woosh) Damn. Missed the Punk's hair by three centimeters. Recalculating now...(slap-slap) That got it.

B) Wonder if Mulder's ever broken into the stash of Playboys you've got hidden in the safe...(check contents) Hey! The newsstand issues with Sophia Arden pics are missing! NO!

C) Sigh. Having a writer-slash-producer tag along as a chaperone to Dana and Fox can be a huge bummer. They'll never hold hands while someone's watching!...

9) Mulder, Scully and Federman find evidence that Hoffman was the mad bomber, and that Hoffman had ancient scripts of a long-rumored Lost Gospel involving Mary Magdalene. Scully, good Catholic that she is, considers them forgeries. Mulder wonders why Hoffman was messing with heretical texts. Scully wonders why Hoffman was making forgeries of them. Federman wonders why O'Fallon might be involved with the forgeries. As Mulder and Scully glance at each other realizing the jerk is right, you:

A) see B)

B) see C)

C) Slap your forehead in shock and dismay! Federman figured it out?! Oh, BLEEP, Chris Carter is going to add this jerk to the team! AUGH!

NOTE: after a handful of Federman's lousy quips, Mulder snarls, "All right, one more pun and I pull out my gun." See, Mulder's a poet and we did not know it. (snicker)

ADDITIONAL NOTE: Scully mentions her Greek's a little rusty. The writer learned Greek, too...unfortunately, it was the stuff written on the bathroom stalls in Tarpon Springs High School, so I can't give you the translations here...

10) Mulder goes back to the wrecked crypt, with Federman still in tow. They find a copy of the Lost Gospel, which Federman wonders is the "real" fake or the "fake" fake. Amidst odd clicking noises, Federman answers his cell phone, trying to talk to Hollywood about ordering a pizza. As he talks, he flashes his light across bones dancing, yes that's right dancing, along the catacombs. You:

A) Start humming "Dem Bones." What, you never saw Prisoner, Episode 17 Fallout?!

B) Shake your head. Bones dancing the waltz. Okay, NOW you've seen everything on this show!

C) Worry that the thigh bone is looking at the ankle bone the wrong way...damn anatomy slashers! (Writer's note: yes, go ahead, scratch your head at that one. I just can't think of anything else 'Shippy to say about dancing bones...)

11) Later at a coffee house, Scully tries to explain what Federman thinks he saw as dancing bones was actually a weather balloon. Federman doesn't care: he's gotten his "flavor" of what the X-Files are like and takes his leave. Before he goes, he tells the agents they're both crazy: Mulder for believing what he Believes, and Scully for NOT believing what Mulder Believes. You take in that evaluation and:

A) Mark that producer-slash-writer jerk for a jihad. How DARE he accuse the Blessed Skeptic of not Beli...uh, wait a second. It IS kinda her raison d'etre after all...(Writer gets trout-slapped by the more fanatical OBSSE nuns) Okay, it's your call...

B) Try saying "She sells seashells by the seashore" very quickly. (Writer has trouble saying 'sh' words)

C) Realize Wayne has figured out what 'Shippers have known for years! (sigh)

12) After Mulder uses some much-needed sarcasm directed at Federman's departure, Scully brings up an old story she once heard from one of the twisted Sisters of her old Catholic school (St. Baptista of the Tennis Elbow). The story involved the Lazarus Bowl, a clay bowl forged by Lazarus's aunt during Jesus's resurrection of the dead man. The bowl pieces the bones were fingering might be that bowl. You listen to the story and:

A) Wonder what else the Blessed Red-head learned in Catholic school...(Writer points out he knew a lot of bad girls who got sent to Catholic school, so she must have learned a lot) (Writer gets trout-slapped)

B) Chuckle. We knew Jesus was good in wood shop back in high school, but didn't He flunk pottery class? (Writer gets crushed by God's Mighty Anvil) (note: bonus points to anybody who even remembers the show that's from) Oooooow. Uh, sorry. Won't do that again...

C) Hope that Dana was gently rubbing her leg against Fox's under the countertop while they shared that chocolate shake...(Writer sighs) (Writer gets sued by NoRomos still convinced they're just good friends)

13) Scully brings the bowl pieces to everybody's favorite paraengineer, Chuck Burks. He mentions how everything from people to trout give off vibrations. Essentially, it's our electromagnetic auras (or as Yoda called it, the Force), attuned to specific frequencies. Burks uses his gear to listen to the vibrations of the ceramic, and he instantly hears it vibrating on all frequencies. As that happens, you:

A) Measure the vibrating aura of the mitichloreans in the trout you're wielding to match the Punk's shield modulation and...and...this is getting TOO silly. Start over...

B) Start humming "Good Vibrations"...oh, c'mon, you had to see THAT coming!...

C) Think about other things that vibr...(Writer gets trout-slapped by Sen. Joseph Lieberman) Ack! He's not only cleaning up Hollywood, he's cleaning up naughty 'Shipper web sites!

14) Mulder, meanwhile, is confronting O'Fallon about the Lost Gospel forgeries. It seems the Cardinal was convinced the forgeries were real, and that its' description of a Jesus who made love to Mary Magdalene had shattered his faith. So he hid them, but he couldn't destroy them. He asks, " Is being made a fool of a crime, Agent Mulder?" When Mulder replies, "I'd be doing life if it were, sir," you reply:

A) "On the 193 charges of Being a Punk, how does the jury find? GUILTY!"

B) "Really? According to the U.S. Code, it's only a Class 3 Misdemeanor!"

C) "Why do fools fall in love? (start warbling) Why do birds sing so...so...(stops singing once you notice the stares of others) Um, it's a good song, people..."

15) Mulder calls Scully and asks if she can do an autopsy on Hoffman's body. In mid-flirting, he gets an incoming call from Federman, who's asking who Mulder thinks should play him in the movie. Mulder suggests Richard Gere. You suggest:

A) Ben Stiller. Janeane Garofalo can be the trout-wielding Scully who can keep him in line.

B) This guy named David Duchovny. Yeah, okay, he's not an A-list guy, but hey they've already got a song about him!

C) Fox play himself, and Dana play herself. Sure, they'd have to give up their glamourous jobs with the FBI, but if the movie careers never take off they can always do the Ab Roller infomercials!

NOTE: Richard Gere had already signed on to play Walter Skinner. Which was a damn shame: the guy who played Captain Stuebing was perfect for that role...

16) Scully does the autopsy on Hoffman's body. She takes out a few vital organs to measure them, but then Hoffman wakes up and insists she give the organs back when she's through. You shout at the screen:

A) "Don't you hate it when bodies wake up in the middle of autopsies? I'm sure the Blessed Red-head does!"

B) see A)

C) see B)

17) After the shock of the "illusion" (or did it happen?) of Hoffman's resurrection, Scully reports to Mulder her discovery of wine and poison in the dead man's stomach. It looks like O'Fallon poisoned Hoffman, then left his body near the bomb before it exploded. They go in with a warrant to arrest the Cardinal, and Scully takes a moment at the church to pray to a Crucifixion. She suddenly sees the Christ on the cross change into Hoffman. It gets weirder. As they arrest Cardinal O'Fallon for the murder of Micah Hoffman and on an additional charge of illegally wearing St. Peter's Bathrobe, they all watch in amazement as Micah Hoffman walks smiling into the church. You:

A) Curse "Dammit! Who's cloning 60s radicals?! CANCERMAN!!!"

B) Scream "Ahh! The dead bleeping live! Ahh! Kill it before it eats our brains! KILL IT!"

C) Shout "No! Dana and Fox should have gotten the Cardinal to marry them first before having him arrested!!!"

18) The next thing we see is Skinner chewing out Mulder and Scully for false arrest, unwarranted break-ins, and failing to get Michael Ovitz to represent him for his own talk show. He orders them on a four-week leave (probably still getting paid for it too), and the agents actually seem disappointed they can't use that time to goof off. You:

A) Task the Bald One for his overzealous reaction to the Blessed Red-head's work. Hey, who do you think helped out with your paperwork earlier in the episode? Show some gratitude! (trout slap)

B) Wonder about the body that was in the blast rubble. Did it disappear? Did it rise from the grave to hunt down nubile co-eds in the cheerleaders' shower room?! Check Badmovies.org to find out!!!

C) Cheer that Dana and Fox have time now to go off to Vegas and hunt down alien Elvis hybrids!

19) Dejected, Mulder and Scully return to the basement, where they catch Burks listening to the ceramic pieces. It turns out the bowl contained two vital clues: someone singing in the ancient Aramaic language that "the walrus was Paul," and the voice of someone praying another man to rise from the dead. You:

A) Wonder how Jesus got ahold of the White Album! And how did He play it backwards?...

B) Can't see how a ceramic bowl can fit into a CD-recordable drive!

C) Wish that Burks would take his work back to his office so he can let Dana and Fox use the basement for a quickie like they were hoping!

20) Despite orders to leave the case alone, Mulder and Scully go to interview Micah Hoffman. He confesses his work forging holy documents; but explains that as part of the process, in order to create documents relating to the life of Jesus, he had to BECOME Jesus in order to make the scam work. But once that happened, Hoffman regretted his acts and tried to destroy the documents the only way an aging 1960s radical could: with explosives. This, of course, doesn't explain who the dead guy was. Plot holes can be annoying like that. Anyway, you also question:

A) "Does this mean those holy documents claiming the Blessed Skeptic Scully is a Highlander aren't real? Trout-slap the offender!" (survey writer goes into hiding for awhile)

B) "So who's going to pay for the pizza that the dead guy ordered during the autopsy?"

C) "WHEN WILL DANA AND FOX GET MARRIED?!" (gasp inhale)

21) Scully, after hopefully finishing off a tub of cookie dough ice cream, stops by Mulder's place to see if any more government-sponsored assassins have shot up the stale orange juice. She finds him watching "Plan 9 From Outer Space." He says it's the 42nd time he's watched the film. You:

A) Curse "Damn you, Punk! You ought to be getting enlightenment from 'The Mighty'!!!"

B) Scream "42! The answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything! It all makes sense now!"

C) Sigh "At last! Someone's figured out Ed Wood films are great for casual dating!"

NOTE: I am not about to say anything about the God Ed Wood Jr. (ohm) (genuflect) (ohm)

22) Mulder and Scully head for Hollywood. They visit the movie set for "X-Files: Insert Lame Subtitle Here." They run into Yahoo Serious and thankfully put him out of his misery. They try for Pauly Shore but he ducks behind the lead singer of Limp Bizket. Maybe another time. Anyway, Federman introduces David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson to Garry Shandling and Tea Leoni. As these actors who've obviously met in real life (especially David and Garry) pretend like they haven't met before, you:

A) Spot the glaring inaccuracies of Tea's Scully outfit: the cross is too big, the tastefully covered birthmark above the lip is on the wrong side, the jacket collar is turned all wrong, and the trout she's holding isn't a trout, it's a halibut!

B) Spot the glaring inaccuracies of Garry's Mulder appearance: no trenchcoat, no hair parted in the exact right way, no sad-eyed-puppy look, and no style!

C) Spot the glaring inaccuracy of Tea and Garry's performance as Dana and Fox: where's the hand holding?! Damn stunt bee!

23) Tea has a question for Scully: how the bleep can she run around in those high heeled shoes? Scully looks askance, then shrugs and goes off to the other end of the movie set. There, she proceeds to run back and forth during the rest of the scene. You have to see it to believe it. Go! Now! Watch it now! Rewind! Watch it again! Okay, come back to the survey. If there are any questions, please remember that some questions are best left unasked...

24) While the Running!Scully scene plays out, Garry asks Mulder, as a way of finding the character's rudder, "Do you dress to the left or to the right?" Mulder seems a little embarrassed but answers "mostly to the left." Garry seems horrified. You seem:

A) Perturbed. It's not how he dresses, it's if he gets trout-slapped left or right!

B) As confused as the survey's writer. What's the deal about dressing to the left or right? For me, it's up with the underwear and pants, and down with the t-shirt. There's no left or right involved here! Just what is this all aboot?!

C) Perplexed. Garry, instead of embarrassing Fox, could have asked Dana, she would know! (sigh)

25) It's later. The director is filming a scene. Action is called, and the cameras roll. A zombie bites into Tea's shoulder, then stops and bitches that the "flesh" he'd bitten tastes wrong. It seems the zombie actors are all vegetarians, and the one who bit Tea is running off screaming that "the people are made out of turkey!" You:

A) see B)

B) see C)

C) Muse, "Wow, no wonder Soylent Green tastes so familiar!"

26) Much later. Scully is enjoying a bubble bath and calls Mulder. Mulder is also a bubble bath, and they talk about zombies and Ed Wood movies. There's another call: it's Skinner (who immediately orders Mulder not to call him "Skinman"), and HE'S in a bubble bath at the same hotel the agents are at. In fact, he says, "I'm right underneath you...Right below you and Agent Scully." You scream:

A) "Ack! This is all wrong! Only the Blessed Red-head should enjoy bubble baths!"

B) "Ack! Is there anybody left back at FBI headquarters? Who's minding the store?..."

C) "Ack! If the damn Slashers got ahold of that 'right below you' line..."

27) We've returned to the scene of the crime. Back at the movie theater, we're watching the love scene in the coffin. Suddenly, Tea stops kissing Garry and tearfully admits, "I'm in love with Assistant Director Walter Skinner." Mulder stands up and loudly protests "THAT'S IT!" You:

A) Want Scully to stand up and protest "This movie sucked! You could see the strings holding up the UFO!"

B) Smirk evilly like any NoRomo would and snicker that you were right about Mulder and Scully being "just good friends"...

C) Stand and scream "DAMN YOU NOROMOS! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!"

28) Mulder storms out of the movie theater. Scully joins him, and they talk. For one thing, the real-life Lazarus Bowl case has gone bad: Cardinal O'Fallon killed Hoffman and then committed suicide. Mulder is enraged at the movie, however; it had trivialized the complexity of the case and the people involved. O'Fallon had been sadly morphed into "Cigarette-Smoking Pontiff." Mulder muses, "How are we going to be remembered now 'cause of this movie?" You would point out:

A) "Forget this movie, Mulder. Do you want to be remembered for 'Playing God'?!?!"

B) "Forget this movie, Scully. Do you want to be remembered for 'The Turning'?!?!"

C) "Forget this movie, stunt bee. Do you want to be remembered for ruining a perfectly good kissing scene in the real 'X-Files' movie?!?!"

29) Scully points out that Skinner is so tickled by the movie premiering that he'd given the agents a bureau credit card and carte blanc to use it. Smiling, they decide to walk away. As they do, Scully admits something to Mulder: she's in love with Assistant Producer Walter Skinner. You:

A) Worry that Scully is going to try and use her relationship with Assistant Producer Skinner to snare a role in the Matrix sequels! Actually, that's not a bad idea...Scully in tight leather kicking Agent ass...hmm...

B) Ponder what the debit bill on that card's going to look like next month!

C) Curse the damn NoRomos again!!!

NOTE: when Mulder says, "Yeah, me too," you also curse the damn Slashers.

30) As Mulder and Scully continue walking into the night, the zombie dead rise from the graves of Hollywood to seek revenge on all the talent agents who said they couldn't find work past the age of 175. Then, they start dancing Lambada, the Forbidden Dance. You worry about your sanity, remember you already lost that back in Season Three, and we all conclude with this thought:

A) see B)

B) see C)

C) We can only hope Leonard Maltin gives this X-Files Lazarus Bowl movie two-and-a-half stars just like Laserblast.

If you more often answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSE nun who's got a copy of the sacrilegious Book of Spookycc, which shockingly suggests that it was Scully's older sister Melissa who learned the Sacred Art of Trout-Slapping before teaching it to the Blessed Red-Head! Do you know what that means?! It contradicts the Holy Texts declaring that the Red-Headed Skeptic was fully born with that knowledge!...

B) Then you are a zombie who knows Lambada, the Forbidden Dance! (zombie hunters show up and thankfully nail you in the head the way it's done in the original Night of the Living Dead)

C) Then you are a NoRomo who's in love with Assistant Producer Walter Skinner...damn Slashers!

So... The Filming of New Episodes Have Begun...

Let us Squee via the Mary Sue website:

Actually it's from the Twitter account, just passing it along.

I hope to get a new Season One 'Shipper Survey done this weekend.

The X-Files: Unusual Suspects 'Shipper Survey

Filming apparently is beginning RIGHT ABOUT NOW for the revival episodes, so to tide things over I'm getting some of the classic 'Shipper surveys I'd posted decades ago (yeah, I'm dating myself here) on the alt.tv.x-files newsgroup.

Today, for kicks, I'm going with an episode that's got no Scully (NOOOOOOOO) and only two minutes of Mulder, thirty-seven seconds of which has Mulder running around naked (knew that would get your attention).

Just so the Gillian Anderson fans out there are appeased, here's a recent selfie of her:

either that or Gillian is showing off the
new cellphones they're using on the show.
NO MORE FLIP PHONES NOOOOOOOO

Now, ONTO THE 'SHIPPER SURVEY

UNUSUAL SUSPECTS (Byers Version)

SOME SPOILERS!

Usually, 'Shipper sentiments tend toward Dana and Fox, but since we're Dana-less and Byers is so puppy-faced this episode, this is dedicated to the Lone Gunman with the professional fashion sense...

1) When the episode opens with the Lone Gunmen hiding and Mulder lying about on the floor completely naked, your thought was:

A) "You know, Scully would've solved this case by now..."

B) "Damn, those Lone Gunmen parties can get really wacky!"

C) "Where's Dana? Fox needs her support and hand-holding!" (Sorry, out of habit, trust me the rest will be about Byers...)

2) Byers tells us - actually he tells Det. John Munch, Patron Saint/Lead Detective of the Westphall Universe - his full name is John Fitzgerald, born the day JFK was assassinated, right after asking for some mystery grrl. You note:

A) "Hmm, he can't be asking about Scully. The Enigmatic One can take care of herself."

B) "Dammit, Byers, you're in the show `Homicide'! You're on the wrong network!!!"

C) "Aw, Byers cared about someone else. She must be really special...(sigh)..."

3) Happy, naive Byers works at the FCC booth of a hackers' convention, trying desperately to sell a happy positive image to those he views as professional equals. Sadly, he gets the derision and scorn of those who call him "narc" and shun his efforts. Then, he turns and stares as SHE walks into the room. You think:

A) "Damn! Another blonde!"

B) "Damn! The guy in the background is getting a higher score on Dig Dug than I ever got!"

C) "Damn! Byers, you've got to do a better job of flirting than that!"

4) The mystery grrl passes the booths of Mel Frohike and Langly, who both vie for her attention. You note:

A) "Geez, these guys flirt with every warped blonde that comes their way!"

B) "Uh, sure, getting cable from Frohike or Langly. Wait until Direct TV, okay?"

C) "Please, don't flirt with those guys! Sure, they're destined to be Hackers Supreme, but Byers is the one who's sincerely interested with your quest for the Truth!"

5) Byers gets to talk to the mystery grrl, who calls herself Holly and who's looking to save her daughter Susanne from a psychotic ex-boyfriend. You realize:

A) That the Enigmatic One knows her share of psychotic ex-boyfriends as well as one punkish partner.

B) She doesn't look a bit like Holly from the later seasons of "Red Dwarf"...well, okay, maybe their haircuts do look a tad similar...

C) That Byers really knows how to flirt, so that means us other geeks might have a chance after all...:-)

6) "Holly" sneaks in on Frohike and closes the curtains as he predictably drools like Pavlov's dog. You note:

A) That the Blessed One would have slapped him down a bit before offering a kleenex to him

B) That you could have whupped Byers' colleague's butt at Dig Dug after all

C) That Byers needs to be more discreet in finding a better place to bring his dates

7) "Holly" goes ballistic when a certain Agent Mulder shows up. She claims HE is her ex-boyfriend and father of her child. Your response is:

A) To insist that Scully shoot him in the other shoulder when she finds out about the cheatin' bastid!!!

B) That ring from "Travelers" is starting to make some twisted sense...

C) Frohike's right, Byers: go kick his ass!

8) Poor Byers. First his new girlfriend runs off, then he finds out Mulder is an FBI agent hunting for her, then he sees his Dig Dug colleague get dragged off by Army soldiers for some hacking Byers did, and when Byers tries to do the honorable thing by offering to turn himself in, Frohike pulls off his FCC badge and whispers, "Welcome to the Dark Side." Your main thought is:

A) "Gee, Frohike tells that to Scully almost every other week, right?"

B) "Byers, no! If you turn to the Dark Side, choose the quick and easy way, forever down that path you will go..."

C) "(sigh) The things we do for love..."

9) To continue the hacking quest, Frohike and Byers must turn to another Master: Langly, AKA Lord Man-Hammer. When Frohike grudgingly admits "Your Kung-Fu is the best," and as the triumphant music swells, you realize:

A) Scully would make for a great elf-wizard...

B) Sword of Wounding? Give me break, you're better off with a +5 Shield of Forever, which protects you from magic spells, dragon breath, demi-lich drainage, and...and...oh, uh, okay I know a little D & D, JUST A LITTLE!...

C) That at least Byers is out getting a social life while these sad fools waste their hours in the darkness playing games, getting on the Internet, posting ridiculously silly posts like senseless sur...uh, oh dear, never mind...:-/

10) Langly succeeds in hacking into the FBI mainframe. They find that Mulder has commendations up the wazoo, single with no sign of being a parent, and chasing after "Holly," who turns out to be Susanne Modeski, wanted for murder, destruction of property, and willfully being a blonde. You note:

A) Scully has commendations up the wazoo, too. But does that get her a desk?!?! Noooooo...

B) Hey! If Mulder's single, where the bleep does he get off wearing a wedding ring?!?!?

C) Poor Byers. He finally meets a woman and it turns out she's the victim of a massive government conspiracy that's framing her for high crimes...

11) Susanne arrives, scaring the timid hackers with talk of conspiracies, Gideon's Bibles, and JFK ("Dallas? 1963? Hell-oooooo..."). She gets them to hack further into the Arpanet, finding out there IS a conspiracy to perform some controlled public experiment and that her dentist might be involved. When they find out she's pulling out her teeth to get at whatever they planted on her, you realize:

A) That if she removes that implant she'll get cancer!...

B) That she'd be better off getting at it with a Sword of Wounding instead of those rusty pliers...

C) That she needs someone's help and support, and that Byers should hug her...

12) They head for a nearby warehouse, where they find a box of inhalers filled with a fear-inducing chemical. Mulder arrives to arrest them, but other government agents arrive as well, starting a shoot-out. As the mayhem ensues, you note:

A) That Scully would've nailed those MIBs with one shot, without damaging the toxic containers...(okay, she may have let a stray shot hit the blonde, but maybe not, you never know...)

B) That Mulder keeps standing where he's gonna get covered in toxic chemicals that'll warp his mind...sheesh, no wonder he's spooky...

C) That Byers and Susanne should use this opportunity to sneak off to Las Vegas and get married by an Elvis priest...;-)

13) Susanne shoots the bad guys and escapes while Mulder crawls off to hallucinate. Then trucks arrive, doors open, and Mr.X enters to clean up the mess. Your main thought is:

A) "No one touches" Mulder? Sheesh, who would WANT to touch the Punk?!

B) Gee, do you think this whole situation was contrived by CancerMan to send Mulder on a quest into the investigation of the unknown, and to provide him with allies like these hackers, even granting X the ability to state "I heard it was a Lone Gunman" knowing full well that would lead to the formation of the Lone Gunmen?! Nah...

C) Poor Byers. He keeps finding his girl, then losing her, then finding her, then losing her...poor guy...

14) Daylight comes, and with a touch of sanity. Mulder frees the Lone Gunmen from jail, allowing them a chance to find Susanne leaving a newspaper office in tears. No one believes her story, except for Byers and the LG. Grateful, she kisses Byers and walks away. You note:

A) That the Enigmatic One would have suggested going to the Washington Post. I mean, those suckers would print anything!...;-)

B) That Byers should have answered that ringing phone in the background with the words "Mad Dog Pizza! We deliver!"

C) That, THANK GOD, somebody around here FINALLY KISSED! :) :) :)

15) The story has ended. Poor Byers had seen Susanne captured by X, and Mulder has returned to ask the Lone Gunmen what had happened. As the LG begin their role as conspiracy experts and advisors to the Spooky One, you conclude with this thought:

A) "You know, Scully would be getting into the Academy right now at Quantico...only three more years until she shows up to keep Mulder's ass out of trouble!..."

B) "No, not now! They were going to explain that bit about hotel bibles!..."

C) "No, it can't end like this! Byers WILL find his true love!!! Dana will meet Fox and they WILL fall in love!!! Frohike WILL subscribe to Romana Clef! And Langly WILL prove he IS Lord Man-Hammer, um, well maybe not..."

If you more often than not answered:

A) then you are an OBSSEr waiting for that special Scully-centric episode without the Punk, without the Geeks and WITH Det. Kersage.

B) then you are an X-Phile who's grateful to see an origins episode but who never knew it cost $50 to get a Sword of Wounding.

C) then you are a 'Shipper who's saddened by the fact Byers only got a kiss after all he's been through and that dammit! he and Susanne should have fled for Jamaica on a honeymoon...;-)

News: X-Files Crossover Potential With Community or The Soup, Whichever Is More Mind-Blowing

In the news today, Joel McHale is scheduled to guest-star in the X-Files revival.

That means either a crossover episode with Community:

Or a crossover episode with The Soup:

Take your pick.