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DEEP THROAT
1) The episode begins with really cheesy 70s music and orgasmic gasping in the background. You realize:
A) You've grabbed the wrong "Deep Throat!" Get that tape out before the kids get home!
B) That you shouldn't have borrowed this from Mulder's collection
C) That if Fox thinks this would be a good date movie for him and Dana, he's got another think coming! (mutter) (grumble)
2) Actually, the episode begins in Idaho, where military police are storming into a home to capture a pilot on the edge of a massive breakdown. We then move on to Washington, DC, where we catch Agent Scully waiting by herself in a crowded bar. As Mulder moves in real close to chat with her, you:
A) Hope that Scully was able to beat away all the drunken idiots who propositioned her while she waited for the Punk to show up (what, you didn't see all those guys wiping away spilled drinks off their ties?)
B) Wonder if Scully worked the jukebox in hopes of finding her favorite song "It's Raining Men"
C) Consider the evidence: Mulder asks Scully to meet him in a bar with a friendly atmosphere; he moves in so close you'd swear he wanted to kiss her; asks to buy her a drink; then he wants to move to a quiet table to "show her something" he couldn't show her at the office. YES! Fox is going to give Dana that engagement ring we've been hoping for!!!! (blissful sigh)
3) Mulder has a case file on the pilot that went postal: the military police took him four months ago and won't return him to his family, so the pilot's wife is charging the military with kidnapping. Scully ponders why Mulder is so interested in a case that doesn't seem to have anything paranormal about it, but Mulder notes there might be "a certain paranormal bouquet." As he stands to head to the Little Boys' room, you note:
A) That little look in Scully's eye that says, "Oh, no. Not another bug hunt."
B) How Mulder can't hold his beer
C) That huge intake of breath Dana did as Fox passed...ah, yes, she loves the bouquet of Fox in the afternoon...;-)
4) As Mulder washes his face, he looks up to see a man (Jerry Hardin) standing quietly at the bathroom door. While he admits he can be of some help to Mulder's work on the X-Files, he warns him not to get involved with this particular case, as it would endanger Mulder's work and possibly the agents' lives. As Deep Throat turns to go, you ponder:
A) Why Deep Throat didn't go warn Scully: after all, she'd never shrug him off the way the Punk just did
B) If the real Deep Throat from the Watergate scandal is watching this at home and calling his lawyer about the theft of his name...you would think he'd have trademarked it... NOTE: As of 2008 we now know Deep Throat was Mark Felt, a high-ranking official with the FBI. And he had nothing to do with UFOs. Hiring spooky guys to team up with perky skeptical redheads, though, we'll probably never know...
C) What Dana is getting Fox for Christmas...well, there's not a 'Shippy moment in this scene, so your thoughts are expected to wander a bit...
5) Mulder chases out after Deep Throat, but he loses him. As the camera tracks Mulder's vision until it rests on Scully, you:
A) Task the Punk for not asking Scully to be a lookout while he goes to the bathroom
B) Realize Deep Throat is hiding under a table telling those sitting there it's all part of a prank he's pulling
C) Notice how Fox gets distracted when he spies the way Dana has her silky sexy legs crossed like that...good eye, Fox! (nudge nudge) (wink wink)
6) Scully does her own digging, finding out that Ellens AFB is a hot spot for UFO activities. She calls Mulder to confront him on this matter, but's he too busy worrying about some suspicious clicks on his phone and that mysterious truck spying on his apartment. Later, they find themselves at the doorstep of Mrs. Budahas, who lists some odd behavior by her husband, and points out that other pilots have also suffered nervous breakdowns. As the agents watch one of those guys pretend he using his own hair for fly-fishing, you:
A) Know that Scully is worried Mulder is going to join the guy in making that lure and then going off to go fish in the nearest swimming pool
B) Realize that guy is going to need a serious supply of Rogaine
C) Picture Dana and Fox moving in to a nice suburb like this, with kids playing in the yards, barbeque on the grill, UFOs whizzing by at Mach 10 overhead...
7) Our intrepid heroes try to find a military official that would talk, even confronting one at his own home. While they're busy annoying the colonel, they're getting annoyed with a reporter asking them about their investigation. As Mulder asks the reporter about where he can talk to locals who claim to see UFOs, Scully goes into her "Oh, THIS again" pose. Which means you know when they get in the car:
A) That she is going to chew him out for giving a reporter the impression they're looking for UFOs...dammit, don't embarrass her like that!...
B) That the reporter guy is going to put their picture in the paper next to the headline "FBI Seeks Arrest of E.T." even though the little guy was innocent...E.T.'s innocent, I tell you!...
C) That Fox is going to be able to take Dana to a great place for lunch...his treat...(sigh)
8) Mulder does indeed take Scully out to lunch, at a diner named "Flying Saucer" (oh, he WOULD, wouldn't he?) where they spot fuzzy pictures of UFOs. Mulder offers to buy one of a triangle-shaped object for $20. As Scully leans over to smirk a "sucker!" at him, you:
A) Cheer Scully on. Damn right he's getting suckered!
B) Ponder, "That can't be a UFO. It's doesn't look like a hubcap at all!"
C) Wish that Fox and Dana took that lean-in moment to sneak a quick kiss before the bartender caught them
9) Mulder drags Scully off to the edge of Ellens AFB to witness UFOs, but leaves her at the car while she warns him this will not look good in her report. As night falls, Scully is caught sleeping as something flies by and shatters the car window. As Mulder gleefully runs back to the car with a "You gotta see this, Scully," you respond with:
A) A quizzical, "Sorry, Mulder, you showed her that last time and she still doesn't think it's that big...of a deal. Big of a deal. There. That's what I meant..."
B) A defensive, "It's a weather balloon, Mulder...with crash-test dummies attached to it...and that weird engine noise is just variance in the substratic air pressure caught in the Pacific jet stream..."
C) An eager, "Oh, boy, oh boy, it is something big and sparkly on top of a gold ring?!?!" (swoon)
10) The lights they watch fly off into the clouds, but new lights approach, this time attached to helicopters buzzing a teenage couple sneaking out of Ellens AFB. Mulder and Scully race off with the kids and flee to a diner, where they interrogate the youngsters on what they saw. When you realize the dude is Seth Green B.B. (Before Buffy), you ponder:
A) If Sarah Michelle Gellar could ever pass muster as a young college-bound Dana Scully if they ever make a "X-Files: the Early Years" movie...well, she'd have to dye her hair, of course...
B) If the two shows ever do a cross-over, would Mulder glare at him and go, "Didn't I see you in Idaho? I did!"...but then Willow would get all upset ("Idaho?! How could you, Oz?") and there'd be a lot of teen angst before slicing and dicing the MOTW...
C) If Dana and Fox are playing footsies under the table while they interview the teens...well, it would be tough since they're sitting next to each other, but all they have to do is wrap one leg over the other and drop a hand down while no one's looking so they can...can...well, you know...
11) After dropping the teens off somewhere, Mulder and Scully argue about what the teens actually saw that night. "If I were that stoned..." Scully notes, and when Mulder goes, "Ooo, if you were that stoned, what?..." you reply:
A) "She'd write a thesis on the twin paradox conceived by Einstein to prove time travel...oh, wow, so THAT'S how she thought it up!..."
B) "Uh-oh. That would explain why she took the urine test four times at Quantico!..."
C) "Well, she's never been THAT stoned, but a glass of red wine is bound to get her giddy!"
12) While Mulder and Scully were out stargazing ('Shippers, you can sigh once), Budahas had been returned, but in a whacked-out state of mind convincing his wife he's not the real Budahas. Mulder quizzes him at length to spot any sign of memory loss, and you notice:
A) That Scully could have determined his true identity with one question: "Okay, sir, just what color is your underwear? Purple?! Okay, Punk, get your flippers up where we can see them!"
B) That the guy's a Packers fan, so that explains his hazy thought processes (GO BUCS!)
C) That Dana should expect this kind of memory loss from Fox after the wedding...especially near anniversaries...(regretful sigh)
13) Driving away from the Budahas residence, Mulder and Scully argue about what has happened to him: Scully thinks his amnesia is stress-related, Mulder believes his memory was selectively erased, removing knowledge of military-built UFOs reverse-engineered from the crash at Roswell. When the local traffic suddenly gets congested with black cars, you discover:
A) That if Mulder had gone on the interstate like Scully asked, they wouldn't run into this kind of traffic
B) That the two shouldn't debate and drive at the same time
C) That Dana and Fox could have gotten out of this trap if they had pulled over and pretended to be a teenage couple making out in the back seat...I'm serious, it could work!...
14) After the nice meeting with the MIB Welcome Wagon, Mulder and Scully make it back to the hotel where they find out their attackers have no traceable ID. Obviously, there's something afoot at Ellens AFB that requires this kind of secrecy. Scully argues that the government does have a right to protect secrets when it involves national security. Mulder argues if that security is worth it when it hurts individual citizens. You argue:
A) That there's no such thing as UFOs...there IS, thankfully, such a thing as cookie dough ice cream, ya!...
B) That you've been from one end of the galaxy to another, and you've seen a lot of strange things, but you've never seen anything like some all-powerful Force controlling everything...there's no mystical energy that dictates your destiny! It's all a simple bunch of tricks and nonsense...
C) That these two should stop arguing, calm down, hold hands, and (descriptives deleted to protect younger viewers)
15) Mulder seemingly relents to Scully's argument, leaving her hotel room to go get "cleaned up." Next thing Scully hears is the car engine and Mulder driving off to God-Knows-Where. As Scully reacts to the first Mulder!Ditch in recorded history, you react by:
A) Cursing Mulder out as a self-obsessed Punk who's only to get himself in deep trouble and drag poor Scully into the quagmire with him...(curse should include his being slapped by a large fish-like object)
B) Cursing the forces of darkness that walk the halls of power...damn t.v. executives keep putting these damn commercials on, interrupting shows when you least expect it! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL...
C) Cursing Fox for not bringing Dana along to get "cleaned up" in an arousing, sexually charged shower scene...hey, wait, he's DITCHING HER?! NOOOOOOOOOO...
16) The teens take Mulder back to the fence surrounding Ellens AFB. He gets directions on where to go and learns of the "Yellow Hanger" where they keep the UFOs, even though no one's been out that far. As the kids try to warn Mulder about the dangers ahead, you realize:
A) That how can anyone know it's a yellow hanger when no one's ever been out that far? It's like noting a ball is red before you've observed it! (This is, of course, an appropriate Scully answer)
B) That those kids should have prioritized their warnings, letting Mulder know about the landmines before...Ka-BLAM...never mind...
C) That if Fox is heading for the make-out spot, he damn well should have taken Dana with him! (mutter)(grumble)
17) Mulder waits until nightfall, then he goes out to the airfield, when a light in the distance moves closer. One of the coolest scenes ever in X-Files history has Mulder looking up at a triangular aircraft, letting you:
A) Shake your head at Mulder's naivete...fer crying out loud, if it's triangle-shaped it's not a flying saucer! Keep looking for the real UFO, Punk!...
B) Spot the guitar string wire holding the UFO up...guys, put a little more moola into the sfx budget, okay?
C) Weep at the fact that this would have been a perfect moment for Dana and Fox to hold hands! (wail)(gnash teeth)
18) Mulder gets caught by air base security. Scully tries to call D.C. for help, but the lines are dead. The reporter from Act II Scene 7 turns out to be an agent for the MIBs. Trouble's riding in that afternoon. No one's standing guard at the bank, and the Widow McAllister is all alone at the farm house while her boys are out stopping the rustlers. This means:
A) That Scully is going to prove herself a tough ole hombre walking tall...I can say `hombre', ya? What? No? Well, that's what happens when I sleep through Spanish lessons...
B) That I ought to stop watching that John Wayne movie on the AMC channel and focus on finishing this survey...
C) That there's not going to be much chance of a kiss scene until Dana can kick ass and save Fox!
19) Scully arrests the MIB and uses him to deal for Mulder's release. She retrieves a groggy Mulder from Ellens main gate and drives off before the bad guys can stop them. When Mulder hesitatingly asks, "How did I get here?" you realize:
A) That Mulder has been zombie-fied and only able to communicate by quoting lyrics from the Talking Heads! Oh, well, Scully might consider this an improvement... "Letting the days go by...Once In a Lifetime..."
B) Absolutely nothing. You had an answer, but...but...you can't remember what it IS now...
C) That Dana can take advantage of this... "Okay, Fox, you might have forgotten this too, so let me remind you it's YOUR turn to cook breakfast!...and don't forget tonight's body oil massage...oh, you forgot that too? Good thing I'm reminding you...(wicked grin)"
20) Forced to return to D.C., Scully finishes her report stating little had been uncovered regarding Budahas's treatment or the possibility of the military working on extraterrestrial engineering. Mulder, jogging alone, is approached by Deep Throat who warns him again of the seriousness of the quest. Mulder, upset that something he had seen had been taken, wants to know the truth, but Deep Throat remains evasive on that point. "They're here, aren't they?" challenges Mulder. "They've been here for a long long time," is the answer, and you conclude with this thought:
A) "Gee, do you think this will teach the Punk not to ditch Scully so he can go off and do something stupid? Nah..."
B) "They're here? All this time? THAT explains where the socks went to!!! GET OUT OF MY CLOSET, ALIENS, YOU'RE NOT PAYING THE RENT..."
C) "Gee, how long are we going to have to wait until Dana and Fox actually kiss? What do you mean, until Season Six? There better be some intense hand-holding scenes in the intervening seasons, let me tell you!..."
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you believe Scully was right all along...that it wasn't a UFO in the photograph, it was a slice of sweet potato pie!
B) Then you believe Mulder was right all along...if you could remember what it was he was right about...what was the argument again?...(MIBs appear) (they pull out eyedropper and drip chemicals into the eyes) (starts humming Talking Heads tune) "Burning down the house!..."
C) Then you believe that Dana and Fox are right all along...right for each other, that is! Next time, share a hotel room, guys!!! (deep sigh)
This blog sucks. There are no cheeses to sample.
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