Just Some Thoughts About THE X-FILES

1) Would it be appropriate to start work on an X-Files/Orphan Black crossover fan-fic?

2) Did Gillian REALLY eat that grasshopper in "Humbug"?

3) Is Mulder going to have Weird Al's "Foil" song as a cellphone ring tone?

4) Where DO all the left socks go to when they disappear into our dryers?

5) Are the marketers looking to hire writers to start up another series of pulp paperbacks? (offers resume)

Updating This Site

I've added some Pages of information to the blog.

There's a link now to my fan fiction work at the Gossamer archive.

There's a listing of published works as well, if you're interested to see how my writing's improved since 2002... ;)

X-Files: Tooms 'Shipper Survey

I promised awhile back that I would write up a survey for "Tooms" as it was one of the key 'Shipper episodes even for a Monster of the Week story.

And what a Monster of the Week.  This is the first re-visit of an enemy in Victor Eugene Tooms, a most memorable X-File antagonist that set the standard for what to expect from an MOTW.  So.  Let's begin.

Senseless 'Shipper Survey - TOOMS Oh SSSSSSSHHHHHIIIIIIIII...

1) The episode begins with Mulder taking Scully out to a dinner and a movie.  You:
A) See B)
B) See C)
C) Slap the 'Shipper Survey writer.  Stop inserting your own damn fanfic and stick to the plot!

2) We are re-introduced to Tooms, an... unusual human being capable of stretching his entire body like taffy in order to sneak through openings no normal human could consider.  Such as that food tray door of his prison cell RIGHT AS WE'RE WATCHING OMG.  You:
A) Panic and lock the doors.
B) Panic and superglue all the air vents shuts.
C) Relax because Tooms is in a secure psychiatric facility in Baltimore MD and they never have any successful escapes.  Just ask Dr. Lecter over in Cell Block B... uh, doctor?  Doc?  Where did he AAAAAAAUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH (gets liver eaten with fava beans and a nice Chianti).

3) After credits, we find Agent Scully called to the carpet of an Assistant Director - no more Section Chief hand-holding for you, Dana, you're moving up in the world! - by the name of Skinner.  You:
A) Worry that Scully's getting re-assigned to Donal Logue's task force hunting down future outdoor locations for Fox's planned There's-No-Batman-In-This series that should be starting its second season any day now!
B) Don't wanna spoil anything for the new fans binge-watching the series, but just wait for the season where Walter shows off his abs and undies...
C) Worry about those damn Walter-Dana 'Shippers still out there!  NOOOOOOooooooo...

4) After the setup foreshadowing the remainder of Season One's arc, Mulder is busy testifying at the preliminary hearings for Tooms' case.  Asked to present what he knows about Tooms' possible criminal misdeeds from the episode "Squeeze", Mulder just... uh... well, let's look at this:

From Shaenon's epic Monster of the Week site.

A) Dammit, Mulder, did you HAVE to say that...?
B) Yup.  That's pretty much how the set extras behaved during the episode broadcast...
C) Dammit, Fox, didn't you see Dana's dropping hints for you to TONE THE SPOOKY STUFF DOWN A NOTCH... sigh...

5) Scully chews Mulder out for overdoing his testimony.  Mulder argues that he spoke to the truth.  You:
A) Suggest Scully bring a fresh trout to the courtroom and slap the Punk with it next time he speaks out of turn.  NO JURY WOULD CONVICT YOU SCULLY.
B) Suggest that more biological evidence and physical testing should have been presented in the courtroom.  Why the hell was it all pinned to what Mulder had to say...?
C) Suggest Dana and Fox cool down at the nearest hotel that has beds with Magic Fingers thingee.

6) Scully decides to go hunt for more clues.  While she goes and rounds up the retired cop Frank Briggs that helped out in the earlier episode, you want her to also round up:
A) An elite task force of expendable warriors!  Dana's Dirty Dozen!
B) Those four teens riding around in a funky painted panel van and pot-ingesting Great Dane that keeps saying (blocked from quoting due to copyright violations).
C) A caterer, a banquet hall, a priest, witnesses, family members, Best Man, Maid of Honor, some kids to toss flowers, and just to keep Fox happy an Elvis Impersonator.  ...what?

7) Tooms somehow gets his job back with Animal Control, cleaning up poor critters left as road-kill.  As he spends a moment enjoying a mid-work coffee break (and light snack) you:
A) EEEEEWWWWWWW
B) NO NOT FLUFFY!
C) Make damn sure Tooms is not the caterer for the Dana-Fox wedding.

8) Tooms begins to focus on a fresh target walking down the street.  His POV shows the world turning grey while his potential victim remains in perfect highlighted color.  Suddenly, Mulder pops up to harass Tooms by asking after a missing dog: "His name is Heinrick. He's a Norwegian Elkhound."  Tooms scurries away in frustration.  Mulder can't help but rub in:  "I use him to hunt moose!"  You shout back:
A) "Stop describing yourself, Moose!" (note: fan nicknames of the power duo are Moose and Squirrel, you get two guesses who is whom and any sarcastic answer gets you a fresh trout slap)
B) "A moose once bit my sister!" (note: true story.  I *did* shout that when I watched this episode during broadcast)
C) "Dammit, Fox, you know perfectly well Dana doesn't support moose genocide!" (note: the moose are the only defense we have against Wendigo incursions)

9) After a busy day of digging up evidence, Scully re-teams with Mulder as he stakes out Tooms' halfway home.  Scully brought food and drinks for the stakeout, and also a warning: That Skinner is looking to make himself a recurring character looking to shut down the X-Files.  You warn:
A) Scully that it's either this or being on rarely-watched episodes of Hannibal!
B) Mulder that it's either this or tacky episodes of Californication.
C) the NoRomos they better not ruin the next three minutes for the rest of us!

10) Scully tries to call her partner by his first name "Fox".
Mulder: "I made my parents call me 'Mulder'."
You respond:
A) "So how quickly did you get disinherited, you ungrateful bastard?"
B) "Damn.  Even after what happened to your sister, that had to make Thanksgiving dinners a bit awkward, you think?"
C) "But what's it gonna look like on the Marriage Certificate, Fox?!"

11) Scully: "Mulder, I wouldn't put myself on the line for anybody but you."
(Incredibly poignant shared glance between the two)
Mulder: "If there's an iced tea in that bag, it could be love."
Scully (digging through the dinner): "Must be fate, Mulder.  Root beer."
You:
A) See B)
B) See C)
C) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

All you Korrasami fans got off easy.  ...wait, lemme rephrase that...

12) Mulder gets sent home without his iced tea.  Unfortunately, Tooms follows him (ohcrap) and is able to sneak into Mulder's apartment (ohsssssssshhhhhiiiiiii...).  When it turns out Tooms is doing it to frame Mulder with a false brutality charge, you:
A) Sigh in relief that Scully doesn't have to retrain a new Agent partner, but on the other hand she STILL doesn't have a desk! /preteractive fuming
B) Worry that Tooms could have swiped Mulder's infamous porn stash while he was there.  October 1988 *was* a good month, dammit.
C) Were using a girly scream.  This is Fox we're talking about, there's always a girly scream when he's involved.

13) Skinner is none too thrilled about the brutality charge, although Scully covers for Mulder by claiming she was with him on a stake-out.  Given the circumstances, Mulder has been warned to stay away from Tooms.  This means Tooms is free to get his fifth liver first chance he gets.  And when his court-appointed psychiatrist shows up and Tooms' POV goes grey, you realize:
A) Tooms is going after the wrong psychiatrist.  After all, it's LECTER who keeps eating all his livers.
B) What a tweest!  ...no, actually, it's not.  And this is 1994, we can't be joking about M. Night's stuff for another five years.
C) Dana's cover story would have been more believable if it had involved a hotel room where the bed used Magic Fingers.

14) The forensics stuff that's been happening in the background of the case, oddly enough, brings up proof that Tooms ate a body that had been buried in concrete since 1933 - don't forget, Tooms is effectively immortal by eating five livers and hibernating for thirty years - and now with physical proof in hand Mulder and Scully go racing off with a warrant to arrest Tooms.  Only to find the remains of a dinner involving fava beans and an empty bottle of Chianti.  You:
A) Are done with the Silence of the Lambs references.  Okay, there.  Got it out of our system, okay?
B) Realize that if they time it right, they can catch Tooms napping in a post-dinner food coma and hold him in his cell while he sleeps it off for thirty years.
C) Think this is an appropriate time for Dana and Fox to exchange a meaningful hand-hold.  Then again, EVERY time is an appropriate time for Dana and Fox to exchange a meaningful hand-hold (see that, Korrasami 'Shippers!  We were pining for hand-holds before most of you were even born!)

15) Mulder deduces that Tooms has to hibernate in the same area every time as part of his biology, so they hurry back to the place they knew his underground nest was.  Only the building had been torn down and replaced by a brand new office building complete with fancy escalators and everything.  You:
A) Gripe about the most unbelievable aspect of this whole episode: there is NO WAY a construction crew in a major city would get a new office skyscraper up THAT quickly!  Not in six months!  Are you kidding?  With all the cost overruns, and workers' strikes, and mafia kickbacks, and local ordinances getting rewritten every other city meeting, and...
B) Wonder why Baltimore architecture looks so much like Vancouver's...
C) Are upset they didn't put up a fancy 5-star hotel with penthouse suites that Dana and Fox can crash for the night.  (weeps)

16) Going down means going under the escalators (FORESHADOWING) to get into where Tooms' nest once was.  Mulder goes in, gun drawn, crawling from a cramped mechanical service tunnel into a rocky, muddy pit covered in goo.  He reaches this odd, human-sized cocoon at the end of the tunnel.  As he checks the surface, seeing if there was any way to... TOOMS CLAWS OUT OF THE COCOON AND ATTACKS MULDER!  You:
A) Shout "YOU DROPPED YOUR GUN AGAIN MULDER!"  Oh, wait, this might actually be the first time he does this.  My bad.
B) Shout "TOOMS USES SLIME SURPRISE!  IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!"  Whadda ya mean, Pokemon didn't exist back then...?
C) Shout "AAAA! FOX NEEDS A HUG!"  ...Well, he does...

17) Aren't you stretching out this chase scene through the slime tunnel a little too much?
A) Yes.
B) I saw what you did there.
C) You should be stretching out scenes involving Dana and Fox talking about iced tea, root beer and trust dammit.

18) Mulder gets out from underneath the escalator and Scully hits the Power ON button.  Tooms gets caught in the gears and moving panels, screams as he stretches beyond even HIS limits, and his body gets yanked into the maw of an unyielding death machine.  As the goo spills UPWARD by the treads of modern innovation, you think to yourself:
A) Metaphor, the man consumed by the ever-advancing march of technology.  A force of nature - an eating machine that consumes other men is itself consumed by the creations of men.  That the machine transforms itself by motion, by transference of others, this too transfers its victim from... from... why the hell am I writing a dissertation on this?!
B) BEST. KARMIC DEATH. EVER.
C) Whew!  Now we can get a shot of Dana and Fox getting into "Glad To Be Alive Sex!"  ...whadda ya mean, what show?  What's this How I Met Your Mother show all about?  Why are you referencing Doogie Howser, and who's this Willow...?

19) Skinner is reading the final report on Tooms - the evidence, the victims, the final fate - and closes the file with a grimace.  The Smoking Man walks into camera shot, looking wistfully out Skinner's window.  Skinner turns and asks, "Do you believe all this?"  The Smoking Man turns and answers, speaking for the first time.  "Of course I do."  You realize:
A) The Smoking Man is truly dangerous: he knows Mulder speaks the truth, and he knows Scully speaks the facts.  That he recognizes their potential means he can be their greatest opponent...
B) William B. Davis got a pay raise for getting speaking lines!  WOOT!  Good for you!
C) That report really wasn't about Tooms: it's the Smoking Man's twelve-part fanfic story about Fox and Dana that he wanted Walter to beta-read!

20) The episode ends with Mulder contemplating a moth's cocoon while Scully tries to get him to focus on the next case.  You end it with:
A) A challenge to the show's creators to give Scully more opportunities to kill monsters with heavy machinery!
B) A promise to the readers of this blog that you'll get more 'Shipper Surveys done! (looks at personal schedule of getting five separate works of literary fiction completed before November's NaNoWriMo's demanding time constraints).  Ummmmmm...
C) A call for more iced tea!  NO MORE ROOT BEER!  DAMN YOU NOROMOS.

If you more often than not answered:
A) You are a Scully fanatic with an unlimited supply of fresh trout for slapping non-believers.
B) You are a Monster of the Week taking notes about how NOT to get killed by Mulder and Scully.  Step One: Avoid escalators...
C) You are a Senseless 'Shipper who fell in love with the idea of falling in love during the iced tea/root beer scene.  And someone who's stopped drinking root beer for some reason.

What do you think, sirs?

I Deny Their Reality and Substitute My Own 'Ship

Liars.  Liars and Pharisees, all of them:

Love is dead. Or at least abducted by aliens. According to Entertainment Weekly, the returning show is going to turn the clock back on Mulder and Scully’s relationship. I’m more upset about this than I am some real-life break-ups.

The first hint was in a clip shown at the Television Critics Association press tour, which showed Mulder and Scully having a huge fight, which included Mulder trying to convince her that some conspiracy was man — not alien — made. And Scully? Scully refers to herself as Mulder’s “friend and partner.” Entertainment Weekly then got confirmation from a source that the two aren’t in a relationship anymore.

Back in the past, middle school me just got really depressed and she doesn’t know why. What a sad day for the fandom that made “shipper” and “shipping” popular terms. Whatever. We’ll always have MSR fic.

This cannot happen.  We cannot let the NoRomos win.

Today's Sad Truth

I just came back from the Tampa Bay Comic Con...

And I did not spot one person cosplaying as Mulder or Scully.  Or Skinner.

Truth told, I went as a Jedi.  That's because mom made a nice outfit for me years ago and I wanted to show it off at least once at the con.

Next year.  Next year I'll go as Mulder.

Just gotta lose 50 lbs first.

Off-Topic: We're Not the Only Ones to 'Ship Dana and Fox

I dunno how this stayed hidden from me.

This is from a television sitcom Suburgatory - sort of a cross between Mean Girls, Community, and WWE - which only lasted a few seasons.

Just this one clip alone makes me wanna hunt down the DVD set at the library and... whadda ya mean Polk County Library Catalog doesn't show a copy?!  Sigh... gonna hafta speak to Acquisitions about this.

X-Files: Beyond the Sea 'Shipper Survey

As threatened, here's a Season One survey of a classic X-Files, and the first one to play with the Skeptic/Believe dynamic between Mulder and Scully: Beyond the Sea!

This is also a notable episode in that a couple of veteran actors from David Lynch productions - Don Davis and Brad Dourif - happen to show up.  Due to the production in Northwest US/Vancouver, a good number of alumni from Twin Peaks showed up in the first few seasons of the X-Files.  That Duchovny showed up in Season Two of Twin Peaks as a recurring character allowed for a lot of early crossover fanfic between the two shows to take place those early years.

Just to note: as the X-Files are returning, so too is Twin Peaks!  Although the details are still a bit murky, the news of Lynch returning to its production can be a good sign.

That said: here's the newly written survey of a Season One episode I just only got around to writing today!

Senseless 'Shipper Survey - Beyond the Sea

1) The episode opens with Scully entertaining two people in her apartment.  One of them is, in fact, a refugee from this small Washington state town of Twin Peaks!  It's Don Davis, kids! (applause)  As Scully salutes the Navy officer as her father, you realize:
A) Scully was a Navy brat?  Small world, my dad was Navy too!  How many curse words did you learn, Scully?
B) That with this episode getting rehashed due to the X-Files coming back, and because Twin Peaks is coming back, that you all are gonna get a sh-t ton of Lynchian cultural references!
C) This means Dana can arrange a marriage at sea with Fox!

2) Later that cold open, Scully wakes up in her recliner noticing that Don Davis is still in the apartment sitting across from her.  He's talking, slowly and with purpose, but there are no words, no voice.  The Christmas lights festooning the apartment are blinking in an unusual order.  A bottle of beer topples from the counter.  The phone rings.  This means:
A) The owls are not what they seem.
B) What bottle of beer was that?  Heineken!? F-ck That Sh-t! Pabst! Blue! Ribbon!
C) Dana's already figured out who killed Laura Palmer, and she just needs to trust Fox enough to tell him.

3) It turns out Scully's father suffered a heart attack and died during the time she had a vision of him silently trying to tell her something.  She's left comforting her mother during the funeral, a burial at sea involving her father's ashes while the song "Beyond the Sea" plays in memoriam.  You:
A) Cry for Scully, for she is Highlander and she will not cry so you will cry for her.
B) Try to ignore the dancing cowboy in the distance, because that's not really helping sell this scene Mr. Lynch.
C) Have something in your eye, just hold on... oh the screen's just a little fuzzy right now that's all... sniff... waaaaaaaaaaahh...

4) Oh, by the way, this is the X-Files, so there's a mystery to solve in the form of a kidnapped couple who may be the next victims of a serial killer.  The profile points to someone reliving a traumatic childhood accident, and there's a period of time where he tortures the victims before completing the ritual kill.  The twist in this case is that a convicted killer on Death Row, someone Mulder just happened to have captured as a Profiler, is claiming to have visions of the kidnapping and is asking for leniency.  For once, Mulder isn't buying the psychic vision element.  That tells you:
A) That Scully's Skepticism isn't even going to be needed this episode.  Hell, why even visit the guy?  Let's go find us some clues, jinkies!
B) That Mulder's not going to use the Tibetan Method of throwing baseballs at bottles to determine the spiritual connection of a suspect to the case.
C) That Fox is ignoring how important it would be to Dana to give her a hug after the personal loss she's had.  Sniff...

5) The serial killer is interviewed on death row in North Carolina.  Look kids!  It turns out that Luther Lee Boggs is played by Brad Dourif!  (Applause) That means:
A) Our quota of actors with creepy eyebrows has been met this season!  Good job to the casting agents!
B) It is by will alone I set my mind in motion...
C) Well, there's not a really 'Shipper moment to be said about this.  I *think* Dourif's played romantic figures in a few movies, maybe Billy in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, was that him in Ragtime maybe?  That's about it.  He's been typecast as unhinged guys so often it's kinda sad...

This is actually one of the saner characters Dourif ever played...

6) Mulder tricks Boggs into giving up a clue about the victims' whereabouts by using a piece of cloth from his own basketball jersey.  Convinced Boggs is faking his psychic power, Mulder leaves the prison cell in a huff.  As Scully follows him out, she suddenly notices Boggs is appearing to her as her father, and Don Davis leans over and says "Did you get my message, Starbuck?"  You:
A) Scream "AAAAHHHH! OH NO SCULLY'S GONNA BE THE BELIEVER THIS EPISODE!  NO FAIR"...
B) Wonder if Dirk Benedict and Katee Sackhoff are gonna sue Gillian for taking their BSG name?
C) Scream "AAAAHHHH! DANA'S REALLY GOING TO NEED A HUG NOW, FOX!"

every argument is hereby invalid

7) Another attempt to scam Boggs - this time using a fake news clipping about the victims - doesn't get the expected response, but Boggs gives cryptic clues about the location where the serial killer is set to kill the first of the two.  Later, Scully is driving around getting lost in Vancouver, uh North Carolina when she spies a statue that fits Boggs' clues.  Calling in Mulder and a SWAT team, you're convinced:
A) Scully is just certain this is the place because of her innate rational skills of deduction!  Yeah, that's our excuse and we're sticking to it...
B) That flashing neon sign "This Is It" had something to do with it.
C) That we're going to get a rescue mission that will involve trust issues and at least three hand holds!

8) The FBI team is able to rescue one of the kidnap victims before she can be killed, but the serial killer escapes by shooting Mulder, forcing Scully to stay and cradle him to stop his bleeding.  You:
A) Really think that SWAT!Scully needs a fight cry.  "BATTLE ON!" Yeah, that'll work! :)
B) Worry about the sudden flashback sequence that has Scully imagining herself talking to this elderly couple hiding in a blue box...
C) Are happy that Dana is comforting a Hurt!Fox, but this whole getting-shot-to-create-an-intimate-moment thing better not turn into a common occurance after Season One, okay?  OKAY?!

9) An angry Scully goes charging into Boggs' cell: "You set us up! You’re in on this with Lucas Henry. This was a trap for Mulder because he helped put you away. Well, I came here to tell you that if he dies because of what you’ve done, four days from now, no one will be able to stop me from being the one that will throw the switch and gas you out of this life for good, you son of a bitch!"  You:
A) Cheer.
B) Cheer.
C) Shout "DANA LOVES FOX!" then cheer.

Note: this must be YouTubed:

10) Boggs morphs into Mulder: "Dana... you're the one who believed me."
A) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
B) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
C) Damn NoRomos!

11) Boggs tries to explain to Scully what happened to him: that his experience on Death Row, going through the first run of an earlier execution attempt had exposed him to the dozens of souls now haunting him.  He truly fears now the fate the afterlife has stored for him, and while he accepts that he will die for his crimes he wants some atonement in this world to lessen his coming doom in the next.  You take this in and shout back at the screen:
A) "Look not to St. Scully for your absolution, you fiend!  Prepare the fresh trout, so that Boggs may be slapped first for his sins!"
B) "It would be better for you to die... in the innards of a Worm! Activate the thumpers! Watch for Wormsign!"
C) "Get back to the hospital and give Fox another hand hold, Dana!"

12) Boggs gives Scully one more clue, and tries to convince her to show up at his scheduled execution in four days by claiming he can pass on her father's last message to her.  He also warns her to avoid "the devil".  Scully takes the clue and figures out where the killer will attempt to kill the young man he still holds.  You figure out:
A) Scully will this time bring enough SWAT guys to cover all exits, destroy all hiding places, and serve some Scullyritas!
B) That the dancing midget singing backwards in the other jail cell would have better cryptic clues!  Go ask him!
C) Dana's gonna make it up to Fox by solving this case so they can get on with the post-recovery comfort treatment!

13) The second raid is more successful.  Scully chases after the serial killer, who goes running through the abandoned brewery.  He hurries into the production area, crossing over on an overhang ramp, and Scully stars to follow but stops herself when she sees the beer company's logo was a devil's face.  As the serial killer breaks through weak boards and falls to his death, you note:
A) SWAT!Scully needs to be a thing more often! Work on it, Chris!
B) Told you that beer is for sh-t!  PABST! BLUE! RIBBON!
C) Hey, is this gonna be an episode where only the bad guys die?!  Good news, that means we won't feel guilty when Dana and Fox have celebratory sex uh hand-holding!

14) It's time for Boggs to face his justice.  The souls of his victims silently watch him, and he stares back with genuine fear in his eyes.  As he gets strapped down to the chair for the gas chamber, he looks through the witness window to see if Scully would appear so he could deliver her father's message.  When he sees... just the priest and the executioner, you realize:
A) Scully didn't buy his bullsh-t story after all!  YAY!
B) Boggs' only way out now is to transform into a completely different person, like how that guy who played the President in Independence Day morphed into uh that other guy in prison, so they had to let him go and end up working for Frank Booth's second cousin Dick Laurent!
C) Dana is probably off giving Fox a comfort hug during his recuperation!

15) Scully is at Mulder's bedside, trying to come up with logical explanations about how Boggs' knew her personal details, and how he played on her father's recent death.  Mulder, still recovering from the wound, tries to comfort her but asks why she didn't take the next step and get enough evidence to finally Believe.  Scully answers, "I'm afraid, I'm afraid to Believe."  As the episode ends you reply back:
A) "It's not that you're afraid, Scully, it's that you are contractually obligated to be the Skeptic character for at least five seasons and a movie!"
B) "THE SLEEPER HAS AWAKE... oh, wait, no she hasn't.  Never mind.  Back to the spice mines, everybody!  Nothing to see here..."
C) "EVERYBODY HUG EVERYBODY ELSE RIGHT NOW!  WE NEED COMFORT HUGS!"

If you more often than not answered:
A) You're a Scully acolyte bothered by the dynamic shift of Believer/Skeptic this episode and hopes it doesn't happen again.
B) You're a fan of David Lynch movies and television shows who understands exactly what happened in Lost Highway.  Yup.  Absolutely.  Every last frame.  Just take my word for it.
C) You're a 'Shipper who saw enough Comforting and Emotional exposure this episode to make you wish for more!  MORE!  MORE HUGS!  MORE HAND HOLDS!  MORE BEDSIDE CONVERSATIONS ABOUT BELIEF AND TRUST AND...

What do you think, sirs?